Chapter Text
It was only a few years ago that the thought of another relationship left Lucius shuddering, his hackles high and memories flitting through his brain. Back then, he couldn't determine which was worse - the loneliness or the everlasting anguish of Pete's infidelity.
Nearly seven years later, he's certain that it's the latter that hurt.
The loneliness allowed him to grow, maturing from the teen he was when he and Pete first started dating, into the adult he should have become.
Five years have passed since he and Izzy took their bond to the next level, having met in a bar in the months after Lucius became aware of Pete's affair. It took Izzy the entirety of the two years to help Lucius grow, eternally patient throughout Lucius' struggles as he overcame the revelation.
When his depression took him into depths he had never plunged, Izzy was by his side, a guiding light through the storms. And when the only solace was the empty bottles that littered his apartment, Izzy was there in the morning, with medication for the looming hangovers, and a caring shoulder.
These days, Lucius sees the world differently.
Heartbreak gave way to growth, maturity that he didn't know he lacked until his life became devoid of anything beyond the pain.
Despite everything he endured, Lucius holds no grudges; there's no spite in his heart. It hurts if he tries to put more thought into those days, but he's not inherently angry.
And Pete takes up little real estate in his mind.
Through no fault of his own, he lost everything - the home he shared with Pete became haunted, infested with the ghosts of everything they had dreamed of. He couldn't bear to look at the television without recalling how they would lie on the sofa and watch movies.
The same could be said for every item of furniture in their home. It was a mountainous task to sort through everything they had purchased together in their short time as adults, in the home they shared.
Childhood sweethearts, it was a shock to their associates when Pete was caught in another man's arms. For Lucius, it wasn't so much a surprise as an acknowledgement of an insecurity that he had confessed to Pete in darkened nights.
From teens to adulthood, the self-doubt that crept into the darkened corners of his mind has never eased. Demons linger, lurking for the perfect moment to strike and knock him down.
Five years may have passed since he and Izzy became an item, an officiality to their unspoken bond. And in those five years, those demons are less prevalent, banished away by Izzy's inherent goodness.
But on long nights, when he can't quite sleep, those creatures emerge from cracks, insults hurled inwards. And Izzy's embrace only does so much.
The current taunt is marriage.
Throughout their time together, Lucius has thought heavily about marriage. It was another component in the machine that broke Pete and Lucius.
Lucius had dreamed of a wedding when he was younger. He could never imagine the other party - it was never Pete at his altar, the figure unknown until a few years ago.
If he had known then what he does now, he may not have invested everything into Pete - moving across the country to an unknown city, abandoning his family until he and Izzy moved closer to home by mutual agreement.
He wouldn't have delayed college and university for so long, knowing that it wouldn't be Pete with whom he created his family.
The bond he shares with Izzy often toes the line between husbands and boyfriends. Friends assume them to be married; his colleagues have seen him talk of Izzy as though the man is his husband, too.
And they have a daughter together.
Legally, however, it's a different matter.
They've never discussed it openly, but he knows that Izzy wants to get married. When their closest friends married, and the topic came up in the celebrations, Lucius was thrust back several years to the night of Pete's proposal and the days that followed, listening to conversations around him about dream weddings, perfect couples, and everything he had once planned for himself.
It's unspoken, but it's a trauma he cannot overcome. Izzy knows that, even if he doesn't know the specifics of the pain, and Lucius has a suspicion that Izzy is waiting for Lucius to propose.
If Lucius were a little more confident, he would propose.
Confidence is only half of the problem.
They have everything to create a marriage, but the pain is too much to bear.
A home, two cats, and they’re living together with their child. A small family, it's unlike anything that Lucius could've foreseen in his future when he was faced with heartbreak at the age of twenty-one.
Days like today allow him to truly ponder the life he has been gifted, and how little it would change if they finally got married.
A sickness bug plaguing their daughter has given way to Lucius' favourite pastime - watching Disney movies on the sofa, curled up beneath a fluffy pink blanket.
She's been curled up at his side, a fever burning through her body as she's tortured him with princesses and sappy romance movies. And aside from bathroom breaks, little has disrupted their day.
It's heavenly.
Chapter Text
A long day of work for Izzy is finally over, and as he relaxes onto the sofa, his limbs ache. The blanket adorned with various princesses is draped over his legs as his daughter curls up at his side, sandwiched between the comforting presence of her fathers.
A man of bravado, he was raised to scoff at the thought of wearing a tiara, but Lucius is certain that if his daughter asked, they’d have Izzy in a pink dress and a tiara in minutes.
She's their reason to carry on when things feel impossible. Both Izzy and Lucius know that when their burdens become overwhelming, her innocence and righteousness are the guidance they need.
For Izzy especially, their unwavering support gives him the strength to face the world. He’s a new man because of the two people he loves the most. Raised to be anything other than who he is now, it took years to accept who he is.
He's not a man who hates pink, princesses, and fluffy blankets, despite what his father tried to etch into his soul.
And that growth was guided by Lucius' care. Helping Lucius overcome the breakup inadvertently helped Izzy overcome his childhood trauma.
Self-doubt creates insecurity.
With everything they've built together, it's almost absurd that Lucius' doubts are so prevalent. His fear that Izzy will leave is beyond ludicrous, and no matter how many times he makes the promise, Izzy aches to transform their bond - a commitment of marriage that cannot be undone so easily.
For Lucius, his self-doubts come from everything Pete subjected him to, and it's everything he has nightmares of. There's no denying that Israel Hands is an attractive man - messy hair, scruffy beard, broad shoulders, and endlessly deep eyes.
He could have anybody he so pleased. It astounds Lucius; he often questions why Izzy settled so lowly, unable to see in himself what he sees so plainly in his lover.
As if some cruel taunt, the movie on the television shows a pauper proposing to a princess. He should know the film, but his mind is caught in the warring thoughts, and the name of the princess eludes him.
Rolling his eyes, he rests an arm over Izzy's shoulder, snuggling closer as he tries to imagine a life where the anxiety he suffers wouldn't plague him so devastatingly.
"When did you get married?" his daughter asks, looking between Lucius and Izzy with wide eyes, as she continues eagerly, "Ooh! What was it like?"
Lucius' heart sinks at once, trying to avoid making his conflicting emotions too obvious.
"Me and pops aren't married, bubba," Izzy answers, and his fingertips stroking over Lucius' shoulder blades and the nape of his neck.
Always there to catch Lucius, he's calming the anxiety with the simple touch, answering the question before Lucius can overwhelm himself in his mind.
They should be married, and if they had married when Lucius first considered it, things could be vastly different.
Would they?
Or would nothing be different, because their bond is already so close to marriage?
"You're not?"
The surprise in her voice leaves Lucius' heart juddering as he meets her eyes momentarily and shrugs, seeking his boyfriend's wisdom as he glances up at Izzy.
It shouldn't be so difficult - this topic was discussed intensively during the adoption. Back then, it wasn't so much because they weren't ready but because the world wasn't prepared for two men to marry. If they could've done so, they assured the case workers that they would be married.
Lying was surprisingly easy back then - Lucius didn't need to stutter answers, the world gave him the excuse he needed.
With a little confidence in his voice, he answers, "No, darling, we've never thought about it. Do you think we should be married?"
Over their daughter's head and the cushions lining the sofa, his eyes meet Izzy's - it remains unspoken, but they both know that this discussion is long overdue, and it cannot be delayed much longer.
Three years have passed since their daughter joined their home, transforming their bond into the family they both craved.
Her obsession with pink and princesses is not unexpected for a six-year-old, and Lucius could imagine her being the centre of attention at their wedding. A ringbearer for sure, she has transformed their bond in so many ways; to omit her from their wedding would deny everything she has created for them.
Her wide smile is matched by ramblings about dresses, flowers, pink and white, and more that Lucius can't make sense of, but he needn't. Her excitement confirms his beliefs - they need to confront this conversation, there is little longer that they can delay it.
Izzy has a smile on his face, but his eyes are distant, lost in his thoughts in a way that concerns Lucius, caught in a war of thoughts.
He would propose if he had the confidence and a ring. The ring...
The ring was the end of Pete and Lucius' relationship. For most couples, a ring brings a promise of a new future together. For Lucius and Pete, it cemented their futures apart.
"If we get married," Izzy hums, and Lucius glances over. His boyfriend is looking entirely down at their daughter, and Lucius tries to listen to the conversation, "Would you help me keep it a secret from pops until I'm ready? I would need help to pick out a ring, after all!"
Lucius smiles slightly and listens to the two he loves, planning a dream wedding.
But his mind is caught in the past.
It's hard to avoid the darkness that has surrounded Lucius at the mention of marriage, but Izzy tries not to focus on that, indulging his daughter in the conversation about weddings.
It's purely fictional, but he gives in to her eagerness.
He already has a ring.
In the top drawer of the dresser beside the bed, hidden beneath a pair of socks, there's a small black box that holds his most valuable possession. It's the most important thing in his life, gifted by his grandmother when he was a lad.
He's had it since the day they met, but it was another few years before he was certain that Lucius was the man most deserving of the band. Finding the perfect time is a feat in itself.
If he proposed in public, it would go against everything in his nature, and he knows that it would stifle Lucius.
Lucius needs freedom to say no.
From what Izzy knows of Lucius' only other relationship, it didn't end well. He's heard tales, differing reasons the bond broke down, and while there has been no definitive answer, the individual things would be enough to break a relationship. Cumulatively, it's a miracle that Lucius remained as long as he did.
He can never fully trust another, and despite knowing Izzy is better, that betrayal by Pete left him with scars. Red flags would be raised by most by the countless excuses that Lucius gave when they discussed marriage in the past, and how Pete had inadvertently broken Lucius' confidence in people.
Public proposals are manipulative; people expect a yes. If you say no in public, it makes you a laughingstock to the world.
Pete cheated, and I know you won't, but what if something happens? What if we have everything and then it all breaks down?
Putting Lucius on the spot would surely reawaken the buried trauma, Izzy is certain of that. Lucius needs the freedom to answer without the weight of expectation on his shoulders from witnesses who don't know them or their bond, when he is ready to do so.
The burden lies on Lucius to open up to Izzy when he is ready to do so, no matter how long that may take. And if he's never going to be ready, Izzy isn't going to push him away.
Marriage is a dream, but no dream is worth the loss of the life he lives.
He’s pored over ideas for hours, different ways that he could give Lucius the ring without the weight of expectation in his words.
A promise ring was his first thought; it’s a similar sentiment and not as encumbered. Their bond has faced scrutiny in their time together, and facing the world as a gay couple is a challenge they continually rise to.
To do so without the courage they give each other would be nearly impossible.
For many years, Israel Hands' sexuality was unknown; he maintained a secret identity, shielding himself from the hatred that laces the mouths of the people he considered family.
His grandmother was the only reason he maintained contact with those people. In mourning her absence, he gained the courage to finally speak his truth, disconnecting from them in doing so.
It was one of the hardest things he's ever done, but he's no longer living a lie, and he couldn't have done so without Lucius by his side. The ring was the only thing he was allowed to keep from the family matriarch, and he's certain that grace only came because it was her final wish.
The threat of legal action sent his family scurrying away.
Whether he gifts Lucius the ring as a proposal, a promise ring, or something else entirely, he knows for certain that the ring can only go to Lucius.
Nobody has ever inhabited his heart in the way Lucius Spriggs has been able to, creating a space for their daughter he didn't know was possible.
“So, you think we should get married, who should ask?” Izzy asks with a smile, looking down at their daughter. The double of Lucius, with brown hair and brown eyes, people often query whether they used a surrogate.
They adopted, and it was the best thing they did.
She's become the light of his life, giving him a new insight into the world that he previously never had. In her younger years, both he and Lucius had doubts about their parenting ability, moreso Izzy than Lucius. An abusive father left deeper wounds that he has healed with Lucius' guidance, and the daughter he's raising. She will be a fine young lady, intelligent, kind, and caring.
He can only hope he does right by her, doing better for his daughter than his father did for him.
Marriage would finalise the dream he has held.
He’s never found the perfect moment to propose, but this is one of those moments where the puzzle pieces have snapped into place. It’s only them; he’s in a safe place, and if he says no, Izzy is almost certain their bond would be okay.
But to do so in front of their daughter, the day before her seventh birthday, that would put a different type of pressure on Lucius. And if Lucius says no, how would it affect her birthday?
Would the date become a bitter memory?
“I don’t think we can really afford a ring at the moment,” Lucius counters, rolling his eyes as he nudges Izzy's shoulder, “you know, with me not working.”
With a teasing wink sent to Lucius and a newfound confidence, Izzy lets the teasing words flow freely, “Who’s to say I don’t already have a ring?”
There's a momentary flicker of anxiety in Lucius' eyes, and it leaves Izzy questioning if his quip was the wrong thing to say. As quickly as it emerged, the anxiety is replaced by torment, and Lucius chuckles.
“I’d like some say over the ring I get."
“Oh, would you?” Izzy lifts himself to lean over their daughter and presses his lips to Lucius', “And is that going to increase the price tag tenfold?”
With lips moving against his own, Lucius loses himself in the embrace, thoughts drifting away from his mind. This affection is all that he has craved since his youth, neglected and withheld by Pete.
It makes sense why, now.
An exaggerated "ew!" from their daughter leaves them chuckling as they reluctantly part their embrace, eyes meeting momentarily before they both glance towards their daughter.
Lucius hums into the kiss until their daughter squirms away, with an exaggerated “ew!”
“I think it’s somebody’s bedtime,” Lucius hums. It’s a little after 8pm, and the movie they’ve watched is showing the credits.
If they keep her awake any longer, there won't be enough time to decorate for the party, which should be their main priority tonight.
It's not every day that your favourite girl turns seven.
“I would agree,” Izzy hums and stands from the sofa, stretching his limbs as he tries to shake away the weight of a day of intensive work. Perhaps a shower, “I can take her if you want…”
Lucius shrugs and fights with the cramp rising in his legs as he stands, “I don’t mind. We could both take her?”
With a smile, Izzy reaches out, and their fingers meet, entwining gently. Electricity shoots along Lucius' veins, an undeniable spark between them.
"Which toy's going to bed tonight? Is it the unicorn, the pony, or the dog?" Lucius asks, looking for the stuffed animals amidst the array of toys littering their home.
“I think... going together is a great idea,” Izzy murmurs, and while their daughter bounds around the room in search of her toys, Izzy seizes the opportunity alone to add, “We need to bring the presents down…”
For a child who spent much of the morning curled around a bucket, it's beyond what he can fathom that Lucius is watching her with more energy than he's ever had in his life.
“Come on, princess,” Izzy says, and despite wanting to remain tangled in Lucius’ embrace, he reluctantly takes a step back to compose himself.
His daughter looks up at him with an expression that Lucius has shown countless times before - something akin to intrigue, curiosity, and something deeper that he's never quite been able to comprehend.
“If you get married, would you get married in a church?” she asks innocently, leading them towards the stairs, blissfully unaware of the thoughts in both of her father's minds, “Or would it be somewhere else? Archie’s parents got married on a beach, and Louis’ dads got married at sea.”
“I don’t know, bubs,” Izzy shrugs and glances over at Lucius nervously. They’ve talked about marriage throughout their time together, but the idea of a wedding remains untouched. Weddings require extensive planning, coordination, money, and countless other things that Izzy cannot begin to think about.
“I don’t think we’ll be getting married on a beach,” Lucius chuckles and squeezes Izzy’s hand, “It’d be too sandy. And at sea? With my balance, I’d fall overboard.”
Lucius watches as his daughter crawls up the stairs on all fours, and he nudges Izzy’s hip.
Every day is a new step forward.
“What about the park?” she suggests, glancing back to where they’re standing side by side at the bottom of the stairs.
“We’ll see, bubs,” Izzy promises, jogging up the stairs to catch up to her. It’s a non-answer, a delaying technique until he and Lucius are on clear ground about the idea of marriage.
It’s a long-overdue discussion that’s bound to happen sooner, rather than later.
“What are you going to dream about tonight?” Lucius asks as he begins climbing the stairs. A recommendation by a psychologist during the adoption has become a core part of their routine.
Encouraging her to talk about positive things, manifesting the positivity in her dreams, would hopefully create growth in her wellbeing. Three years of trauma cannot be undone so easily, but they have done everything they were recommended by psychologists, social workers, and even from internet research.
It was all things that he had never considered, but with the smallest things in place, his daughter continues to become a happy child, no longer burdened by the abuse she briefly endured.
“Weddings,” she exclaims, jogging into the pink bedroom that’s littered with dolls – fairies, princesses, and mermaids, it’s a mess they can never completely tidy, “I can’t wait for you to get married.”
As he reaches the top of the stairs, Lucius pants breathlessly. He can hear a quiet conversation that gives way to a pause, and he lingers by the doorway.
“Me too, darling. But there’s a lot to do for a wedding, and if pops doesn’t want to get married, I can’t force him to say yes,” Izzy’s voice is quiet, “Like when we say that if you don’t want something, you say no. The same applies to adults; if we don’t like or don’t want something, we can say no too. And we don’t force it, no matter how much we want it.”
Lucius’ lips curve into a smile, and his heart warms. Brushing away the tears on his cheeks, he takes a shaky breath to compose himself before entering the bedroom. No matter how many times he has seen the sight, it still takes his breath away.
His boyfriend is sitting on the edge of their daughter’s bed, she’s tucked beneath the blanket, clutching a stuffed toy as she looks up at him with wide, tired eyes.
Tonight, it’s poignant, striking deep into a place in his heart he didn’t know existed.
Never has he wanted to marry somebody like he wants to marry Izzy.
It’s a realisation that should leave him stumbling, unsettled, and jolting. But it… doesn’t. The voice in the back of his head, normally so loud, is silenced as he watches his boyfriend reading a short story.
It’s a desire he will not shake until they are irrevocably bonded.
Chapter Text
Lucius is downstairs first, collecting the array of toys abandoned on the floor to tidy up.
They don't have long to arrange the gifts in the room, a mountain of boxes and bags that sit in his car. Having his family closer, they've indulged their newest relative. His parents had resigned themselves to a fate of no grandchildren.
When Lucius visited, several weeks after the adoption was finalised, he and Izzy had their daughter between them, and he's not sure he's seen his mother cry like that. She was overwhelmed, excited, and eager in a way that only a new grandmother could be.
His mother has become a babysitter, their daughter's best friend, and has guided them when they need it. They've learned about what life as a woman entails, the things they'll need to teach their daughter when she's a teen, and it's far beyond what Lucius could've anticipated.
Without his mother, he's sure he would've failed at the first hurdle.
She's often spoiling his daughter, giving new gifts for the sake of giving.
At the sound of footsteps descending the stairs, Lucius' heart leaps, and a smile covers his face. He can imagine Izzy already - an old bandshirt, those black sweatpants that sit just too low on his hips, and slippers with the Superman logo - superdad.
"Do you want a drink?" Izzy offers, lingering in the doorway. He's struck by an anxiety about the conversation they need to have, and if he can delay it a little longer, he'll do what he can to do so.
Proposing is everything he wants to do, but it's a daunting task that could demolish their family.
"Please," Lucius nods, piling the stuffed animals into one of the baskets laden with toys. There was once an order of what toys were in each bucket, but somewhere in the third month of consecutive nights tidying up, the order was lost.
Izzy nods silently and then shuffles away to the kitchen. It's entirely out of character for him, and Lucius glances towards the doorframe with a slight frown, trying to recall if he could've said something that upset his boyfriend.
The topic of marriage has always been tense, but from what he recalls, nothing amiss came out.
“I’d like some say over the ring I get."
“Oh, would you? And is that going to increase the price tag tenfold?”
Spoken amidst gentle kisses, Lucius was only teasing, but was his quip misconstrued? The value of a ring means nothing - his trauma around weddings doesn't come from the ring, but the story he was led to believe, the lies he was told.
It's a web of Pete's immaturity, infidelity, and deceit.
With a sigh, Lucius sits on the sofa and begins folding the blanket, distantly hearing the sound of a kettle boiling, the mugs being pulled from the cupboard, and the refrigerator being opened in search of milk.
No more princess movies are on television, though there’s little else on television that interests them nowadays - It’s either dramatic soap operas or the news, which brings unnecessary reminders about the awful state of the world.
They often ignore the television, tangling in each other’s embrace to make out, browse their phones, or fool around until they retire to their beds.
After their earlier conversations and the plans for tomorrow, they won't have much time to do any of those things. A conversation that's been ignored for too long has been dragged to the forefront of their attention, and while it has remained unacknowledged out of the fear of ruining the amazing life they have created, it cannot be avoided any longer.
Folding the blanket aside, Lucius glances towards the door when Izzy walks in with two steaming mugs. At once, Lucius is there to help his boyfriend, taking one of the mugs and closing the door silently.
The conversation they're going to have, whether they wish to or not, is one that their daughter does not need to hear. She doesn't need to witness her parents' separation if that is the outcome of what they discuss.
"Iz," Lucius says nervously, and sits on the settee. He wrings his hands together as his boyfriend takes the other seat, "I..."
Stuttered consonants escape him as he tries to find a place to begin in the chain of his thoughts. With no clear start or end, there's no defined guidance to lead the conversation.
It's going to be a challenge, though he knew that when they first became an item. It was inevitable that marriage would come up, and despite the extensive time they've shared, he's vastly underprepared.
Three years of intensive therapy couldn't have prepared him for this, but it prepared him to face the world again, allowing him to take love into his heart when everything was telling him not to.
Izzy’s eyes are nervous as he looks over at Lucius, and he hesitates momentarily before quietly sighing, “We need this conversation, don’t we?”
With the start to life she had, their daughter doesn't deserve to suffer through a broken home, living with parents unable to talk about their bond. Izzy suffered that fate, and it left injuries that never healed.
Lucius nods and shuffles closer to Izzy, their knees knocking together. The brief interaction brings him comfort, and he contemplates where to begin. He's had a long and painful life, but it's culminated in the life he lives now, with things he never dreamed of having.
Closing his eyes, he lets the truth flow from his soul.
"I want to marry you."
It's his truth - he does want to marry Izzy, he can't deny that. But there's a difference between wanting to be married and wanting to get married.
"You’re so kind and so caring. I love you more than anything, and Iz, look at what we have together. Our baby girl, she's my everything..."
Izzy's heart stutters, and his breath catches in his throat as he lets Lucius' words wash over him, giving him the confidence he needs to pop the question. Hidden in his pocket, the ring sits, awaiting the perfect moment to be placed on Lucius' finger.
"But, Iz, I," Lucius looks down at their feet as he recalls the countless things the therapists have suggested. Several different therapists all gave different suggestions on how to approach this conversation.
Nobody came close to helping him.
"After what Pete did, I... it took me two years to let myself bring someone in, to trust another person. I was twenty-one when I met you, and I... I've been away from Pete for years, but everything he said, everything he did..." He slowly wets his lip and closes his eyes again, "It took a lot of therapy to get to this stage, Iz... and I wouldn't have done it without your help..."
Izzy strokes his thumb along Lucius' thigh, hoping his gentle touch is reassuring enough as he tries to find the right thing to say. His voice is hoarse, and he's not sure that it's the right thing to say, or if confirming Lucius' uncertainty will only make it worse.
“From what you told me, Pete was an arse. I, um, I’ve not got the whole story, but I know you’ve said a lot about him, and he wasn’t great…”
Lucius nods wordlessly, and his gaze lingers on Izzy's knuckles. Recollections of those fingers interlacing with his own are fond memories. Whether nightmares or depression, Lucius knows that he can begin to heal simply by holding his boyfriend close.
It makes little sense that the man who has supported Lucius the most, the man who has stayed loyal for so long, is the one who knows the least. Izzy has remained by Lucius through thick and thin, supporting him when others would stray.
And he knows nothing of what Pete did.
It's a mountainous task, but one he cannot delay any longer.
To heal, he must reopen those old wounds and confront the demons that surround him.
“There were a few things that led to the breakup,” Lucius begins. He reaches for his mug and takes a swig of the cocoa, hoping the drink can quench his thirst and calm his anxiety.
He lets his gaze drift to the floor, focusing on the pink patch on Izzy's black socks; there's a matching pink stripe at the hem and the toes. That's Izzy's way of keeping his daughter close; he's always wearing a little pink, even hidden on his socks or his boxers.
It's endearing, something that makes Lucius fall in love again every morning, as they dress together.
“I gave him too many second chances, and in the end, I just couldn’t give another. Second chances became second, third, and fourth. But he never changed."
Lucius can recall every occasion that he was wronged by Pete, a vivid memory of his anguish. When he loses himself in the past, caught up in the echoes of agony, there is little that can comfort him. Regardless, Izzy is always there, doing what he can to help Lucius.
Warm fingers interlace with his own, a touch that fills Lucius' veins with warmth and love. The presence by his side is one he knows won't wave, and even when something has tested the limits of their love, Izzy has remained by his side.
“He cheated when I was in a bad place, and I...” Lucius confesses, his voice trembling as he tries not to let the pain become too much, “I let it slide because my mental health was so wrecked by everything else that I blamed myself for him seeing other people."
The first time he caught Pete with another, the excuse was that Pete was drunk, pulled down by Lucius' self-hatred to find enjoyment in his life, and it was an accident.
Lucius knows now that it was bullshit.
"He said he stopped, promised he'd stay loyal, and I... I didn’t know he carried on after that. I thought he kept his word, but it wasn’t until we'd separated that I realised he never stopped. There was always another person; there was always somebody better than me.”
Izzy's hand squeezes his own, and Lucius smiles sadly, meeting his boyfriend's eyes momentarily.
"There's nobody better than you, Lu," Izzy promises, leaving a chaste kiss on Lucius' knuckles.
Lucius feels his mind flicker back to those horrendous nights, times when he could do little but take the blame for the life that had befallen him. Fights were frequent, savagery snarled in moments of rage that would be forgotten the next day, apologies that meant little when the cycle was repeated weekly.
"He, um, he was abusive," Lucius admits, though that's not entirely unknown. He's told tales in the past of how Pete had treated him, never hiding the pain of what he suffered. Injuries were not so common, but the emotional abuse was more frequent in their relationship than any affection that there should have been.
With more of the truth lingering in the air, it feels like the rope around his heart is beginning to loosen, knots untied to ease the strain.
It lifts the ache from deep in his soul, and now that he's started, he can't stop speaking.
"He would put me through Hell and blame me for it, told me it was my fault, you know. Or he’d bring flowers that meant nothing,” Lucius adds, shaking the memory that’s forming in his mind, “I um, it was… Love-bombing, that’s the term my therapist used. It’s basically like being abusive, and then it would stop; they’d be lovey-dovey. Flowers, chocolate, wine, always complimenting me, to like, try and undo the damage?”
Lucius isn't sure his words are making sense, but it's the closest he can get. Izzy is slowly nodding, and Lucius can see the cogs working away in his mind, processing the revelation, the new things he's learning about - not only about Lucius, Pete, and the past, but things that make relationships abusive too.
Lucius was stunned the first time he heard the term love-bombing.
Everything he had endured was real. It had a name, psychologists have studied it, and it made sense. Somewhere deep down, he's almost proud of the hell he survived.
“He did that a lot. Screaming and shouting, but then giving me flowers, or telling me how I was just this amazing person. And I…” Lucius shakes his head as tears well in his eyes. With a ragged breath, he squeezes his eyes closed to subdue them before they can fall.
“It became hard to trust what he was saying, what friends would say, what family would say, and what other people would say. Compliments from those I knew meant nothing when he was undoing them every day.”
In place of a verbal response, Izzy squeezes Lucius' hand. A language known only to two, it’s their communication when speaking becomes too much. Nothing Izzy could say would be sufficient for Lucius now, but the reassurance in his touch is something that Lucius aches for.
“I got used to it eventually, but then, he proposed,” Lucius’ voice trembles, and he looks down at the floor, “It was a lovely ring, you know? Just a generally beautiful ring. He claimed there was some family history; it was something that he wanted to give to a true love; some bullshit like that.”
Memories come flooding back to him from the proposal, a walk in the park leading Pete to drop to one knee, only days after Lucius caught him talking to another person.
The tears he's worked extensively to hide spill over his cheek, and he clenches his eyes closed tighter, a weak attempt to hide them. It's futile, and he knows that Izzy can see them, can hear the emotion.
Old habits die hard.
With a shaky breath, he confesses, “Like a fool, I agreed, I said yes. I was going to marry him.”
Izzy's thumb drags over Lucius' knuckles as he tries to silence the voice in his mind - is Lucius already married?
It feels foolish to think, but Izzy can't stop his immediate thought. Lucius isn’t married; they’ve spent every day of the last four years together, and there’s been no time when they’ve been apart that long.
"A few days passed, and in the beginning, I didn't tell anyone. I wanted to see if he was serious about it, you know? I didn't want it to be another way to make me ignore him shagging everyone who looked at him," Lucius continues, looking down at their entwined fingers again as the tears slow, though they're not dry yet.
"He asked for the ring back," Lucius adds, and laughs bitterly as he recalls the excuse Pete gave, "Said his mother had demanded the ring back, something about true love, not me. I don't know, all I'd been told is that it was his grandmother's, and that... I don't know..."
A frown tugs at Izzy's lips, and he tries to think about how to respond. Quiet coughing from upstairs catches their attention, and both men still momentarily.
No more coughs come, and they both relax a little, knowing their daughter is okay.
"I’d ignored all the red flags, but I couldn’t miss that red neon sign. He wouldn't tell me what the truth was, just an excuse that deflected the blame to somebody else. The ring... something about that broke me. He told me it was from his grandmother and his true love, and it just... broke me." Lucius elaborates.
Izzy nods and squeezes Lucius' hand before lifting to caress Lucius' jaw, “You deserve so much better than everything he said and did to you."
It's the easiest promise that Izzy has ever made, and if Lucius so requests, it's one that he will repeat until the day he dies. His touch guides their foreheads together, and Lucius presses their lips together in a chaste kiss as he tries to calm his thoughts.
Tears dry under Izzy's thumb, and his other hand rests on Lucius' shoulder, “I’ll never want you to feel like you can’t say no, Lu. I mean it, if I do propose. It, I, I won’t force anything. I won’t be like him, and I’ll do anything you need of me…”
An arm winds around Lucius' shoulders, and Izzy pulls him into a gentle embrace. At once, Lucius melts under his touch, nodding as he buries his face against Izzy's neck. The familiar scent of Izzy's aftershave has faded throughout the day, but the scent of the soap in their en-suite shower is strong enough that it comforts Lucius.
His voice is a whisper as Lucius plucks the courage to respond, “I know you will, I know you'll do anything for me - you already do. You're so good to me. But Iz, I don’t know if I can take another proposal like that…”
Quiet coughing emanates from the bedroom upstairs, and they both still, not parting their embrace as they wait for a sign of their daughter requiring assistance. It would force them to separate, though that may not be the worst to happen - both overwhelmed by their history.
The ring in his pocket comes with as much history as Pete claimed the ring did, and Izzy's anxiety is undeniable as he recalls the words his grandmother spoke on her deathbed, wanting him to find somebody he loved - whoever they may be.
She knew, even when no others did, she knew that he would find the right person in time, and that person would be a man.
Is that history going to be a problem?
It's foolish to think about, but Lucius' words are on a loop in his mind.
Before Lucius can begin to elaborate about Pete's proposal and the turbulence that ended the relationship, the coughing from upstairs becomes a quiet sob. In an instant, his tears are dried, and he's attempting to regain his composure.
Long before they adopted their daughter, he had learned to hide his pain. He's long adjusted to an act of happiness when his heart is shattered. His daughter will never be forced to witness her father so upset, even when it kills him to do so.
"I'll go," Izzy offers, his voice is gentle and his offer is kind, "I'll go, you can take a minute if you want."
Lucius slowly shakes his head as he strokes his thumb over Izzy's jaw, pressing their lips together momentarily, "I'll go. You um, do you want to start getting gifts out?"
Their conversation is incomplete, but someone far more significant to their relationship has taken precedence, and neither man is upset that their attention is on her as they stand from the sofa. Strong arms wind around Lucius' waist, and he melts into Izzy's embrace.
Warmth and comfort flood him, a wave of safety helping him to overcome his pain.
"It's going to be okay, Lu," Izzy promises, stroking his fingers through Lucius' hair as he presses their foreheads together, "We're going to be okay."
Lucius presses their lips together again before reluctantly parting from Izzy's embrace and approaching the door. It feels inherently wrong to leave in the middle of the discussion, but as he glances at the stairs, the quiet cries from his daughter leave him close to crying.
Izzy may have made a promise, but it's one he's not entirely certain of. His mind is fraught, caught in the words Lucius spoke. Everything he had planned out has been derailed by Pete's proposal - the ring that was once his grandmother's should belong to Lucius.
But because of Pete, Izzy can't bear to retraumatise Lucius by proposing.
None of that is Lucius' fault; he deserved so much better than what Pete did to him.
Chapter Text
Almost thirty minutes pass before Lucius descends the stairs again. His clothes remain in the bathtub, coated in their daughter's vomit. Despite his offers, Lucius reassured Izzy that he was quite content caring for their daughter, and Izzy was busy.
The gifts are all inside, though no organisation has taken place yet - that's Lucius' speciality.
As Izzy surveys the pile, he tries to recall who purchased what. Some have come from Lucius’ family, some from friends, but the majority were purchased by Lucius and Izzy when their daughter was out with Lucius’ mother on girly days.
Spoiled rotten.
With a quiet sigh, Lucius shuffles into the room and quietly closes the door.
"Is she okay?" Izzy asks, turning the television on low. It's a noise that mutes what they are doing, but not so loud that they won't hear their daughter if she demands their attention.
"She will be," Lucius confirms quietly and makes a note of the time, "it'll be nearly midnight when she can next have medicine. I'm glad we didn't book any big parties though, she's going to be unwell tomorrow for sure..."
With the intention of resuming their earlier conversation, Izzy slowly approaches Lucius. He can only approach the topic if Lucius is agreeable, and he's not entirely sure that Lucius is ready to talk about marriage and the past again.
“How do you want to lay out the gifts?”
Lucius' question halts Izzy's plan, and Izzy watches his boyfriend looking around the room, imagining the perfect layout for their daughter.
“Bags can go on the chairs,” Izzy suggests and lifts two of the bags, placing them on the armchairs that are rarely used as seats. He has no idea what most of the bags and boxes contain, but from what he has learned, their daughter has been thoroughly spoiled rotten, with everything she has asked for.
And she will be for the rest of her life.
While Izzy places those bags aside, Lucius begins arranging the boxes around the room, using their limited space to hold as many gifts as they can fit.
“How’s the day been?” Izzy asks, looking over at Lucius, “A day on the sofa sounds great…”
“Not when the movie selection is every Disney movie that exists,” Lucius tries to feign the disdain that his boyfriend has mastered, though he could never reach the same believability in his act. For his boyfriend, it comes from a place of trauma, something that he has found humour in with the introduction of their daughter.
“You love Disney, Lu,” Izzy teases as he approaches the other man, his hands dragging over Lucius’ torso and down to his waist, “I reckon you loved the day.”
Lucius’ cheeks are pink as their lips meet in a chaste kiss, “It could’ve been better. It got better after you came home…”
Their kisses are innocent, light affection as they ignore the task at hand and the incomplete discussion, in favour of their affection.
“Disney movies, sleeping on the sofa, that’s your favourite things,” Izzy teases, caressing Lucius' cheeks.
"And you," Lucius adds, squeezing Izzy's waist, "Can't forget you two."
With a small smile, he presses their lips together again before reluctantly parting. It kills him to do so, but they don't have long to arrange the gifts; they have every other waking moment to make out.
Izzy squeezes Lucius' hip as he wanders towards the cupboard that hides a bag of decorations. Banners, balloons, there’s not an area of the house that won’t be covered in gaudy pink decorations
Nothing less than the best for their daughter.
“I’ll go do the kitchen if you want,” Izzy mumbles.
It’s not uncommon for him to lose focus on the world, distant in his mind when he thinks about his past. He and Lucius have long adjusted to long periods of silence; they’ve both had more than their fair share of trauma. But when their eyes meet, he’s reminded of the words Lucius said.
Any hope that Izzy had of proposing was demolished in the painful confession. And for that, he's reconsidering more than he ever has - everything from the life he lived, to the bond he shared.
If he can set his mind to a task as menial as taping banners over walls, he can try to silence the thoughts in his mind.
The bag is where he recalls placing it a few days ago, and when he stands, Lucius is pressed against his back, leaving a chaste kiss on Izzy's head as he utters, "Thanks, Iz, I, um, I love you.”
Izzy nods, leaning into Lucius' embrace, but he says nothing, relishing in the warmth until it's cruelly ripped away.
The more he delays the conversation, the more he can trick himself into believing that their bond isn't going to break.
But as Lucius watches Izzy, his concern rises. It’s been a delightful evening, and they’ve had a fairly good evening together. Tomorrow brings another celebration in the form of their daughter’s seventh birthday.
“Thanks, Iz,” Lucius repeats, hoping he can reach through the noise in Izzy's mind to the part of his boyfriend that's so receptive to his affection.
Despite everything telling him not to, Lucius disentangles their embrace, and they part. He says nothing, but Lucius busies himself with the tasks, organising the room for tomorrow.
The house needs to be decorated, a task that’s going to take hours if they continue delaying the task in favour of affection.
With coldness around him, Izzy leaves for the kitchen, closing the door silently. The bag in his hand is filled with decorations he's purchased on his lunch breaks, secretive preparations for the celebration. Neither Lucius nor their daughter knew of the supplies, and Lucius only became aware a few days ago, when Izzy returned with a pink badge, adorned with the number seven.
Lucius watches through the closed door with inexplicable worry. He knows Izzy, he knows his lover well, and this isn’t uncommon behaviour, especially when Izzy's depression gets worse.
But the change was so sudden and unexpected, it’s beyond concerning. It takes every ounce of his energy for Lucius to focus on the gifts that demand his attention, creating a display that he knows will leave his daughter awestruck in the morning.
Chapter Text
With three boxes to move, Lucius has become lax in his task. He's too caught in his worry for Izzy to truly indulge the part of himself that loves to arrange parties.
A gentle cry emanates from up the stairs, and he hears it at once. His sigh is undeniable, a combination of concern for Izzy and the anguish at seeing his daughter so unwell, is leaving Lucius unsettled.
He opens the living room door, already prepared to go upstairs. Izzy has emerged from the kitchen, and he meets Lucius' eyes through the low lighting.
"I'll go," Lucius says gently, "If you're not finished, I mean. I'm just about done, I can go see to her."
With a silent nod, Izzy smiles. It's forced, it's a smile that doesn't reach his eyes, and Lucius can see painfully how false it is. He says nothing, though, and makes his way towards the stairs.
Silence weighs heavily on Izzy's shoulders as he tapes a banner to the door. Without Lucius or his daughter to distract him, he cannot silence the voice in his mind.
He's blown balloons, using the machine they invested in after the first time they hosted a birthday party, decorating with inexperience. It nearly killed them to blow up so many balloons, and the machine they purchased was the best investment.
It's a perfect party for their perfect daughter.
And it was decorated with silent depression etched into the embellishments.
Izzy swore to himself that he'd never force his daughter to see what the depression can turn him into; he promised himself he would be better than the people who raised him. But as he steps onto a stool, he can't help but ache to see her wide smile.
She introduced him to a new way of living, bringing light into his life that guides him through storms.
He'll keep the promise to shield her until the day he dies, even if it kills him to do so.
One banner remains.
One decoration, and then he can lie down. As soon as he can lie in bed, or on the sofa, with Lucius by his side, he'll start to feel better. Or he'll pretend that he's not so lost in his mind.
He's done it before, creating a facade of happiness to avoid confronting his inner demons. It never works too well; Lucius can see through the masquerades like glass.
There will come a day when it’s something he won’t be able to enjoy – especially with the words that Lucius spoke, unintentionally shattering Izzy’s heart and hope.
But while he can indulge in the warmth, surely he should do so.
Taking the final decoration in his hands, he moves the step-stool and lifts himself, taping it to the wall. At the sound of footsteps on the stairs, he smiles slightly, imagining Lucius coming down the stairs. Casting his eyes to the ceiling, he lets out a silent prayer.
In his younger years, he would’ve sought wisdom from his grandmother or his faith for the clarity he desperately needed.
Neither of those is an option nowadays; he's left to find the answers within his heart and soul. He loves Lucius, he loves the life they have, and to propose would surely demolish everything that they have created together.
But with the ring in his pocket weighing him down, he can't bear not making their bond the best it can be.
With another sigh, he nudges the stool aside and tapes the final corner down.
Their home is decorated, and their daughter is still in bed, but he can imagine her being out of bed before sunrise - she has done so for the last three years on her birthdays and Christmas.
If he wants to sleep tonight and awaken even remotely rested, he'll need to go to sleep soon.
Reaching for a glass, he glances up when Lucius shuffles into the kitchen, arms winding around Izzy's waist. He has questions he wants to ask, not only about their daughter, but about their bond too. He can't shake the lump in his throat, though, and he can't speak while it's there.
It’s not particularly late, but he’s exhausted, and he’s torn between going up to bed, or delaying for a little while until he and Lucius can go to sleep together.
Does he indulge in something that’s going to be stolen away, or prepare for the date it’s ripped out of his reach?
Chapter Text
Black material rests on the floor where Izzy removed his tee. He may have been torn between going to sleep in their bed or lying with Lucius on the sofa.
The former won the fight. It always does. Lucius' embrace is the most comforting thing Izzy has ever experienced, and he'll indulge in it until Lucius leaves him.
The noise in his mind is loud, it's chaotic, a combination of voices telling him to propose, old acquaintances and relatives insulting him, and something quieter, something much more gentle.
Their daughter.
She's giving him the reassurance he needs to stay here a little longer, to allow himself the grace he desperately needs.
The endeavour to introduce Lucius to more horror has given way to his comfort movie. In his times of pain, he knows that if he puts on one of a handful of movies, he'll begin to feel less adrift.
His favourite movie is not so scary, but a horror movie nevertheless. The Conjuring was a franchise he was introduced to several years ago, and it captivated something deep in his soul.
He's never been a man for romance movies, but The Conjuring allows him to imagine a life where he could be married, with a child, and have the affection that the characters show.
And it's masqueraded behind the mask of demons and horror.
If a movie only focuses on the romance, Izzy won't watch it. He detests cheesy romances. If the romance appears in the background, a story running alongside the main story, he'll give it some attention. The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It is his favourite, littered with gentle affection that he aches for.
Watching the actors play a devoted couple warms Izzy almost as much as Lucius does.
"I may go get some pyjamas on," Izzy hums with a quiet groan. The ring is in his pocket still, and his sweatpants are starting to feel restrictive. If he can remove both in one go, he'll surely feel better for doing so.
There are shorts on the bed, torn at the knees, and only suitable for sleeping in. He may wear those, or he may wear the pyjamas their daughter bought him for his birthday; he's undecided.
"I need a piss..." Lucius admits, nosing along Izzy's neck as he sits up. They've been spooning for the entirety of the movie. In the past, these moments would've led to fooling around, soft moans silenced as they made each other peak.
"Snack break it is, then," Izzy smiles and sits up, his thigh pressed against Lucius' as he reaches for the remote.
I could go back to the house, Father, but my home is here with him.
Dialogue from the movie leaves him frozen. It's a line he's heard so many times before, a scene he can recall with his eyes closed. Ed Warren, lying on a bed, his wife draped over the bed, asleep in a chair.
That's not why it's stunned him.
Everything he feels for Lucius is summed up in that short sentence.
He could be anywhere, and so long as he has Lucius by his side, he's certain that he will be home.
For the last hour, he's contemplated proposing. Back and forth like a pendulum, his mind has swung. On the one hand, if he proposed and Lucius said no, how would their bond change?
But on the other hand, what if Lucius says yes?
If Lucius was in the hospital, Izzy would do the same - he would stay at Lucius' bedside, sleeping in a chair until he was certain his boyfriend was recovering.
Nobody else has made him feel this way.
It may be that Izzy needs to buy a new ring; perhaps Lucius would like to have some input in that, or Izzy could ask their daughter’s opinion. She would love that.
Or he could give the ring as a promise ring, a promise that he’ll work his arse off until he’s able to afford a better ring, one that doesn’t have the history, when that's clearly what Lucius detests.
Lorraine Warren's words cycle in his mind again.
For years, he didn't have a home. Nowhere was safe enough to be considered home, and without a home, he was lost, drifting as a vagrant through his life.
Meeting Lucius changed his view.
Home doesn't have to be a place; it can be a person.
A life of movement, he has finally settled in the arms of the man who has treated him better than anybody else has. It’s only fair that he tells Lucius the truth of it all, isn’t it?
With the chaos in his mind, Izzy slowly pauses the movie, not wanting to miss a single second more. His attention lifts to where Lucius is slowly standing up.
It's now or never.
It's now or never.
It's now or never.
“You okay?” Lucius’ thumb caresses Izzy’s cheek as he looks down at where Izzy is perched on the edge of the settee, “You um, I saw you getting in your head earlier…”
“I’ll be okay,” Izzy nods and interlaces their fingers, “I’ll be okay. Difficult week, you know? But I’ll be okay. We have a busy day tomorrow, too. Our baby girl’s going to be seven!”
He’s trying to maintain the façade of happiness, but they both know it’s a poor act. He is happy, but his thoughts are manic, and he’s caught between the noise of uncertainty as he slowly stands.
Lucius drags his palms around Izzy’s waist, pulling his lover into his chest, “We do, and I don’t want you going into a day that’s going to be busy when you’re struggling. I don’t want you overwhelmed, love. So, are you sure you’re going to be okay?”
Seconds pass as Izzy tries to find a response.
He knows the answer, or he thinks he does, but to put more thought into it, he's not so certain.
“Promise, Lu, I’ll be my usual happy self,” Izzy teases and presses their lips together, “Even when I don’t feel like I can be.”
He will be okay; he's acted that way when he's been far from it, countless times before. He can do it for another day, regardless of what it takes.
He can serve food, plaster a grin, and cut birthday cake, and when everybody has gone home and their daughter is in bed, he'll crumble.
It happened last Christmas, it happened the first time he went to therapy, and it'll happen again. He's learning to cope with what life throws at him.
Lucius' thumb grazes his cheek, their foreheads meeting as they share chaste kisses. Unwilling to part, it’s a necessary evil when they hear coughing from up the stairs, followed by crying.
"I'll go," Izzy promises, and presses his lips to Lucius' again, "You go pee. I'll go and see to her."
Lucius nods and smiles slightly, reluctantly separating from Izzy to glance towards the clock.
"She'll be due some medicine soon," he comments, and begins to squirm.
"Go pee," Izzy laughs and nudges Lucius towards the door, "I'll make sure she's okay."
Lucius nods and runs out of the room, an act that leaves Izzy laughing quietly as he makes his way towards the stairs. Each step is a step closer to his daughter, and he's already feeling better as he gets closer until he's flicking the lamp on outside of her bedroom, a faint glow in the room.
"Hey, darling," Izzy says quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed. He lets the back of his hand rest against her forehead momentarily, confirming his suspicions that her temperature is rising again, "I'll take you to get some medicine in a minute, okay? I just want to get changed, and then I'll take you downstairs, give you some medicine, and make sure you're feeling better."
She nods and wipes her eyes, squeezing Izzy's hand tightly.
He smiles sadly and presses a soft kiss to her forehead, "I'll be a few minutes, you just stay there for me, darling."
She nods again and slowly sits up, clutching her toy in her hands. He can see the sheen of sweat on her face as he stands from the bed and rushes towards the room he shares with Lucius. His shorts are where they were left this morning, abandoned in the height of a make-out session that left them stumbling into the shower together.
It's beyond his wildest imagination how their day has changed their bond, even without anything spoken.
His sweatpants are tossed aside, and he pulls the shorts up his legs, momentarily hesitating as his eyes land on the scars littering the skin. When things feel unbearable, he's reminded of how Lucius can make him feel adored and worshipped with gentle kisses over the wounds, laving his tongue against the harsh white lines.
Lucius has treated him so kindly, and they've both grown into better people for being together.
With his thoughts, Izzy picks up his sweatpants from the floor - he'll find another time. There's got to be a better time to propose than the night before their daughter's birthday, a day when countless members of Lucius' family will visit. It would be cruel and selfish for Izzy to propose.
Patting the pocket, he frowns when the ring isn't in the pocket he expected. He hastily checks the other, his heart sinking as he turns the trousers upside down, hoping the ring has become tangled in the fabric.
But the silver band remains unseen.
Calm, Izzy, there are only a few places it will be.
He takes a shaky breath and drops to his knees, checking the floor where his trousers were. He can't see the ring, and when he drags his fingers over the carpet, no metal hits his fingers. Despite the panic rising, he shakes away his thought and lifts himself to his knees.
Two places remain where the ring could be - their daughter's bedroom, or the sofa where he and Lucius have been cuddled together. He would rather that neither find it, but it isn't the end of the world; he can find it later, at a time when their daughter isn't so unwell.
Chapter Text
Rifling through the medicine cupboard, it feels like Izzy has never been in this cabinet. It makes less sense, given that he built the cabinet and stacked the various prescriptions in an orderly fashion when their daughter first came home.
“I can’t find it, Lu!” he yells, moving aside another box of cartoon-adorned plasters and cough medicine.
His medication is stored in the same cupboard, creating a pharmacy to treat a vast array of illnesses.
But the medicine for their daughter is out of his sight.
He hears Lucius’ sigh, exaggerated and forced as it emanates from the kitchen, where he seated their daughter several minutes ago. It goes against the nature of a surprise party, but seeing the decorations is a better alternative to her seeing the stack of gifts that awaits her in the morning.
“It’s at the bottom, next to the pain medication,” Lucius calls back, “In the purple box.”
You can’t miss it.
With another quiet sigh, Lucius brings his attention to his daughter. She has one hand clutching her toy, the other balled in a fist on her thigh as she rests her head against his chest, quiet whimpers escaping her that leave his heart twinging in agony.
“It’s okay, Bubba, daddy’s just forgotten his glasses again,” Lucius teases and lightly combs her hair, “I’ll go if he can’t find them again…”
She nods and hugs him tightly. With a small pout on his face, Lucius hugs her just as tightly, hoping he can ease her ailment with only his touch.
“Daddy…” Her voice is muffled against his tee, and he rubs her shoulder, parting the embrace to meet her eyes.
“What’s up, bubba?”
He knows what’s wrong – everything she has eaten in the last few days has emerged from her stomach, leaving her clutching her stomach in agony, curled around buckets and whimpering.
But her voice was quiet, trembling as she spoke for him, and it left him unsettled. What could make her so scared?
Her hand trembles as she unclenches her fist, revealing a small ring in her palm, one that Lucius has never seen.
“Is this yours?”
She’s not scared… she’s excited.
“Where did you find that, princess?” Lucius asks, avoiding giving away too much. There’s a cold shiver racing down his spine, but he’s not sure if it’s a bad thing or a good thing.
“It was on my bed,” she says quietly, looking up at Lucius with eager eyes, “When papa came up, it was on my bed.”
“I think it’s papa’s,” Lucius confesses, lifting the ring from her palm, “You shouldn’t have that, baby, let me look after that for him, okay?”
She nods, and Lucius slips the ring into his pocket, making a mental note to talk to Izzy about it once their daughter is back in bed.
“Thank you for telling me,” Lucius adds, hoping that he can reassure his daughter she’s in no trouble, “It’s very important to tell someone if you find something that doesn’t belong to you, especially if it’s something so important like that. So, thank you, darling.”
She nods again, and Lucius hears a quiet aha from the bathroom. His lips lift into a smile when his eyes meet Izzy’s across the kitchen, and he’s holding the bottle of medicine.
“I think we’ll need to take her to doctors tomorrow if this carries on,” Izzy suggests, reaching for a spoon for the medicine, “I can call at breakfast to see if we can get an appointment in the morning…”
Lucius nods and rubs a thumb along the pink pyjamas, adorned with princesses.
They’ll have until noon; his parents and a few close acquaintances are arriving for an afternoon tea. No friends have been invited; they’re going to plan something for her friends in a few weeks.
And Lucius is incredibly thankful that they didn’t plan anything, given their daughter’s declining health. Deposits on play-centres are not cheap, and they would be lost – it’d be too cruel to their daughter to force her to go out and play in an environment rampant with germs.
And it would undoubtedly leave this tummy bug spreading through her class in no time.
“Probably a good idea, it’s been a few days like this,” Lucius suggests, and chews on his lip, contemplating whether the few family members he's invited will be too many.
It’s only his parents, an aunt, and a couple of friends, but it’s taken most of her energy to carry on today.
“I’ll give them a call tomorrow,” Izzy promises, pouring out a dosage of medicine, leaning into Lucius’ gentle embrace.
It’s inexplicably tense as their daughter takes the medicine, and the spoon lands in the basin to be washed tomorrow.
“I’ll take you back up to bed, Bubba,” Izzy says, his mind flitting back to the missing ring. He won’t be able to cast as much attention as he would like into the search, but if he can begin the search, he can rule out more areas that it could be, “say night to pops.”
“Goodnight, princess,” Lucius says and presses a kiss to her forehead, “Sleep well…”
She hugs him tightly, and Lucius melts under her embrace. He never imagined he would be a father of a daughter. He knew when they adopted that he would have a daughter, but he never thought he would be the father who would do anything for a daughter.
He can’t recall what he thought he would be, but the father he has become is far better than who he imagined.
As soon as the embrace is parted, their daughter reaches out to Izzy, and Lucius watches with fondness as Izzy lifts her. Her legs wind around his waist, and she buries her face against his shoulder, exhaustion weighing on her shoulders.
Lucius rubs Izzy’s shoulder and follows him towards the living room, where their movie remains paused.
As soon as he’s inside and the door is closed, he pulls the ring from his pocket again, finally able to inspect it some more.
It’s aged, a small diamond with a history that captures Lucius’ curiosity. It’s a perfect fit, as though it were made for him specifically. The scuffs that line the silver suggest the opposite, and as he lets it rest in his palm, his eyes close.
He’s never wanted somebody like he wants Izzy. It goes against everything in his core, his nerves are frazzled, and he’s exhausted, but the adrenaline coursing through his veins is too much to let him sleep.
As Izzy lays his daughter on the bed and covers her with the blanket, her brown eyes drift closed.
“Okay, princess, I’m going to put a bucket next to your bed,” Izzy’s voice is gentle as he lightly combs her hair, “If you feel sick again, use that, okay? Me or pops will come as soon as we hear it, but that way you can keep clean. Is that a deal?”
She nods and hugs her toy closer.
“Good girl, and tomorrow, I’ll take you to a doctor to make you feel better,” he adds, pressing a gentle kiss against her forehead.
The bucket gave an excuse for him to kneel by her bed, leaving her unsuspecting as he scrambled around for the ring. To her, he was simply laying out a towel on the floor, placing a bucket atop it.
But it confirmed his worry, the ring is not in here either.
There’s only one place it can be.
He slowly stands from the bed and rubs his back slowly, “Sleep well, princess…”
She nods again, her eyes already closed as she rolls onto her side, cuddling her toy again. She’s holding the toy in the same way Izzy holds Lucius on long nights, and his heart warms at the sight.
What a shame it’ll all be ripped away sooner or later.
Chapter Text
Each step down the staircase is a step towards the living room.
Silent prayers are sent to the God who has never answered his prayers.
In an ideal scenario, the ring would be hidden between sofa cushions, and in a moment alone, he could slide it into a hiding spot until he could hide it somewhere better.
But the world has never been kind to Izzy, and he’s nearly certain that if he hasn’t already found it, the moment Lucius does find the ring, he’ll be looking for a new home, ready to leave everything they’ve built together.
It’s no flaw of Lucius’ character, but he’s endured more than his fair share of hurt in relationships, and Izzy had always promised to be better than Pete.
He’s reneged on that promise in an act of selfishness, foolishly creating the hope of proposing when the world won’t allow him such wealth.
As he stops at the bottom of the stairs, he catches his reflection in the mirror. The low lamp lighting highlights the bags under his eyes and the soft curve of his waist. He once worked hard to create muscles, building confidence in a physique that would leave most jealous.
But with Lucius, he let himself go, becoming more confident in the person he has become. He’s happier with the soft swell made by a diet of as much takeout and movie nights as healthy dinners and morning runs.
Dating after Lucius is going to be impossible.
He’s given everything to Lucius, his heart and soul thoroughly captured by the other two residents of his home. To lose that would crush him.
He could delay the conversation for another day – he could turn on his heel, go back up the stairs, and lie on the bed, feigning sleep until Lucius clambers into the bed, blissfully unaware of the war in his boyfriend’s mind.
But to do so, he wouldn’t sleep.
It would be a fitful night, caught in his thoughts, and he wouldn’t rest.
Or Lucius would take the silence as a sign of their separation.
Either outcome will cause unimaginable pain to their small family. At least if he talks to Lucius, he can explain his side of things and provide justifications before Lucius leaves him.
A shaky breath escapes him, and he looks at his reflection again. Like this, he doesn’t recognise the man before him; it’s haunting.
But he can’t carry on while he feels like this.
It’s now or never.
The next step is the hardest, but as he approaches the living room door, he tries to recall every good memory, everything that gave him the confidence he needed. It was only a short time ago that he was ready to ask – his mind has been back and forth as he’s tried to process what he’s feeling.
He’s certain that he’s ready to propose, but to do so would risk everything.
And now that he can’t find the ring…
The noise in his mind is almost overwhelming, and he silences it as he enters the living room, gaze landing on the television. It’s still paused on the movie, his favourite movie of all time, and he adores the scene.
If he could explain to Lucius how that scene comes close to explaining how he feels, he would. But he’s always struggled with words, unfathomably unable to speak about his emotions in a manner that’s not nonsensical rambling.
My home is here with him…
He slowly turns to Lucius, not quite looking at Lucius, but in his general direction. He doesn’t notice it at first.
He doesn’t see the way Lucius is staring at his palm.
But as he closes the door, his gaze lands on the item in Lucius’ palm, and his heart sinks.
The ring…
“Luce,” Izzy breathes, gripping the doorknob as the ground beneath his feet becomes unsteady, “Where, um, where did you get that?”
His voice is weak, he doesn’t sound familiar to himself, and as he stumbles forward, his boyfriend is looking back at him through tear-filled eyes.
“I could ask you the same thing,” Lucius responds, a weak chuckle to hide his anxiety.
“Fuck,” Izzy closes his eyes and shakes his head, dragging his palm along his face, “Okay, um, one second.”
He’s never been so nervous, and despite knowing Lucius, it’s easier to put a few inches between them, too nervous to be side by side. He lifts a few of the bags and perches on the edge of one of the armchairs, arms folded in his lap.
Lucius would never hurt him; he would never lash out, but it’s still terrifying his core to sit by Lucius’ side.
“It was my grandmother’s,” Izzy confesses, wringing his hands together, “When she died a few years back, and I said they left nothing… it wasn’t strictly true. There was one thing… two actually…”
He’s staring intently at the floor, but his eyes flicker upwards momentarily to meet Lucius’ eyes.
Brown eyes are staring back at him; he can see the realisation covering Lucius’ expression as things fall into place.
“I um, I’ve had it for… three years now, I think,” Izzy tries to do the mental math, calculating how long it took for him to argue with his family over the only thing he wanted from his grandmother’s estate, one of the only things he was left.
“The house is officially mine, but I um, I told them to just buy me out. Keeping it brought trouble…” he adds, and shrugs, “It’s why it was easier to afford for you to stay out of work. I’ve got that money put aside…”
There’s something inherently wrong about keeping such a secret for as long as he has, but there’s so much more to the circumstances than just keeping the secret. He didn’t keep it by choice; it was a secret kept out of an inherent fear of how their lives would change.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Lucius asks quietly.
He’s not hurting, he’s not that surprised, truthfully, but he wishes he could understand why Izzy chose to keep it a secret.
“We had everything going on in the adoption,” Izzy confesses, “I wasn’t in a great place, dealing with the death, the um, the adoption, facing a lot of my past. And then that happened a week or so before we had the letter that she was coming to stay, and everything I’d planned to do – telling you about the money, the ring, dealing with the estate, it all just… went. We were so caught up in the highs of the adoption that I forgot the way my family had made me feel…”
He bites his lip momentarily before adding, “I’d planned to tell you. I was going to tell you, honest. It was the first thing I wanted to do, but then things just didn’t align. I’ve kept it in savings for when she’s older.”
“We could’ve used that money for our mortgage, Iz,” Lucius’ voice is a little lower, “There have been so many things we need money for, and you’ve just…”
“I’ve already paid towards the mortgage,” Izzy quickly answers, “I’ve paid eighty percent of ours off, and with the deposit, we’ve only got a couple of years of payments left. Lu, I’m sorry – I just, I didn’t think. Everything was too much, I was running on empty, and then we had our daughter, and we had our life. And she’s the best thing to ever happen to me, to us, and everything I had worried about was just gone. I couldn’t think about what I’d gone through, and I didn’t think about my family either. All I could think about was the life we were going to live together. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It wasn’t my intention, and I know you’re upset; I don’t blame you. Fuck, I’d be annoyed with myself.”
“A-and the ring?” Lucius asks, looking down at the item in his hand again, “How did our daughter end up with it?”
She had it?
“I was going to propose tonight,” Izzy confesses, “I’ve been wanting to for so long, I‘ve been waiting for the right time. I thought it had slipped out of my pocket in here, but it must’ve, I don’t know, maybe when I was seeing to her at some point…”
Racking his brains, he can’t recall a moment she could’ve slipped it from his pocket, and she’s not the kind of child to steal. She’s never crept around their house and raided drawers; it’s far beyond anything that he could imagine her doing.
A few moments pass, and panic strikes his spine as he realises what he’s confessed.
“But Luce, it’s okay. What you said, I mean, I, I know you don’t want a ring like that, I know you don’t want to marry, it’s fine. I’ll figure something out, honestly,” he rambles, “I know Pete hurt you, and I’m trying to be better than he was, but I just want to give you everything you deserve, and selfishly, I want to keep you for myself. But…”
As their eyes meet, his voice falters. Tears are streaming down Lucius’ cheeks, and he drops from the chair to his knees, crawling the short distance to kneel in front of Izzy, palms resting on Izzy’s knees.
“Iz… you’re a fool,” Lucius whispers. Before Izzy can say anything, their lips meet in a gentle kiss, “It’s not about the ring, I don’t care. It could be a cock ring for all I care… but Iz, what I care about…”
Lucius wets his lip and strokes his thumb over Izzy’s cheek, “What I care about is the person. With Pete, it wasn’t about the ring; it wasn’t about a price tag. Pete’s problem was his lies…”
Izzy slowly nods and scrubs his palms over his eyes in a futile attempt to hide his tears from Lucius’ care-filled eyes.
“He told me that it was his grandmother’s ring, he told me she’d died and that she’d begged him to give it to a true love,” Lucius begins, and after a moment, he groans quietly, lifting himself upright. It feels wrong to be looming over his boyfriend, but the ache in his spine is too severe to stay on his knees.
“When he took it back, I didn’t question it, there were excuses… but then,” Lucius wets his lips and holds a hand towards Izzy, nodding towards the sofa, “He um…”
Fingers interlaced, and Lucius guides his boyfriend towards the settee, “I saw his grandmother a few days later. At first, I thought I was hallucinating… but then she spoke to me. And I learned the truth…”
Izzy nods, settling close to Lucius on the seat. Warmth surrounds him as they lean against each other.
“She told me that Pete had stolen it from his aunt, that they only realised who had taken it when they saw me with it, but they didn’t know if it was him or me who took it,” Lucius explains, “I was stunned…”
Oh…
“I didn’t care that the ring came from family – I’m a sentimental, cheesy sap, you know that. If someone gives me something that’s got a history, like when he said it was from his grandmother and she wanted true love, I was overwhelmed and emotional. I’m a sap, but Iz,” Lucius squeezes Izzy’s hand, gently placing the ring in the man’s palm, “I care about the truth.”
Izzy nods, his fist clenching around the ring as he lets the metal warm in his palm.
“I couldn’t care less about the ring – as I said, a ring pop, or one of them plastic ones that come in so many party bags, those would be more than enough for me, those would make me the happiest man in the world – because you gave me it,” Lucius adds, “I don’t even need a ring. Our bond is for us; we don’t need to justify ourselves to anybody else.”
Izzy slowly nods again, his eyes closed as he leans into Lucius’ warmth, “I… I can’t afford another ring, not without taking from her future…”
Lucius says nothing and slowly caresses Izzy’s cheek, “What did I say, Iz… Our bond is for us. We don’t need big diamond rings or elaborate proposals…”
Izzy slowly nods, letting out a ragged breath as he leans against Lucius’ shoulder.
“It’s okay, Iz,” Lucius presses his lips to the top of Izzy’s head, “There’s no rush, it’s just us. Only us and our daughter, we’re the only ones important in our family, and it’s when we are ready, okay? That means me and you…”
Izzy slowly nods again, his hand trembling as he reaches for a bottle of water, abandoned from earlier in the day. There’s little water in it, but enough to quench the thirst triggered by his nerves.
A few moments of steady breathing give him the comfort to reach for the television control. He can’t quite voice the words yet, too discomforted to face it, but there’s another way he can tell Lucius how he feels.