Chapter Text
The rain didn’t fall in drops but in long, dragging strands, drawn slantwise by a restless wind.
Viv pulled her hood tighter around her face, but it was useless. The cold water streamed down her temples, slid along her jawline, and dripped steadily onto her collar.
Her steps were heavy—not just from the chill, but from the weight she carried at her center.
Thirty-four weeks pregnant.
Shuffling through a storm. Alone.
Each step sank her deeper into the soaked pavement. Her shoes clung stubbornly with every lift, releasing only with a wet schlop-schlop.
She didn’t know where she was going, or where she could possibly go. Only that she had to leave.
Away from Beth’s eyes—those eyes turned so cold, so unyielding.
Away from the words that had cut deeper than she had ever thought they could.
She turned the corner, passing a row of houses whose windows glowed with warmth. Inside, people sat on couches with wine and platters, a movie flickering on the television.
The contrast hit her like a blade straight into her gut.
Suddenly, a sharp cramp shot through her belly, halting her in place. Her hands flew forward, instinctively cupping her stomach in protection.
“Ssshh, easy, little one… mama’s here,” she whispered, her voice trembling.
She brushed a wet strand of hair from her face, her hand shaking.
“We’re just going to sit for a moment, okay? Mama needs to catch her breath.”
Under a streetlamp, she spotted a wooden bench, slick and glistening with rain. Unsteady, she made her way over and sank down.
Slowly, she stroked the curve of her belly, feeling the baby shift and wiggle beneath her touch.
“I know… this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. You’re meant to feel us together. Not… this mess.”
She inhaled through her nose, exhaled slowly through her mouth, the way the midwife had taught her for moments when the baby grew restless.
Rain drummed hard against the metal armrest. Cars hissed past, tires throwing up sheets of water. She closed her eyes for a moment, but the tension refused to ease.
After half a minute, she dug into her coat pocket and pulled out her phone. Her fingers, stiff and icy, barely managed to press against the screen.
No missed calls...
No messages from Beth.
No: 'Sorry'
No: 'Where are you?'
No: 'Can we talk?'
Something cracked inside her chest.
Was this how the silent treatment looks like?
Being pregnant. In the rain. Cold. No fight to keep her home? No arms reaching out to pull her back?
With a frown, she opened Instagram. Her thumb scrolled on autopilot. First Beth’s account… no new photos, no stories.
Then the sports pages, the fan pages, the English football media…
Nothing.
No headlines about Beth reporting to the Lionesses. No quotes, no training shots. No breaking news on SkySports.
Even the official Lionesses page remained silent.
Softly, Viv whispered to herself, “So she hasn’t said it yet. She’s holding back. Waiting… but for what? For me to collapse so she can say she had no choice? Waiting until I tell her to go, so it looks like it’s fine for her to be there?”
She snapped her phone shut and let it fall beside her on the bench. A tear slid down her cheek, merging with the rain.
Before she knew it, another followed. And then another…
She wiped at her face with her sleeve, but it didn’t help. Her eyes burned, her lips trembled. She pulled the hood tighter around her head, as if hiding could make it all disappear.
She just sat there. One minute… two… it felt like hours.
The cold seeped in, creeping through her clothes. Her toes tingled, her fingers numbed.
The baby stirred restlessly, tiny kicks pressing insistently against her ribs.
“I’ve got you… I’m carrying you. Just hold on a little longer, my little boy.”
The streets stretched endlessly ahead. Each step felt heavier and her calves burned like crazy. She clung to a lamppost as she crossed the street, breath ragged and shallow.
“Almost there, baby… we’re almost there.”
Her palm moved in soft circles over the tight, chilled skin of her belly, as if she could soothe him, as if touch alone could promise safety.
She finally caught sight of a building ahead, the one place that might take her in right now.
The steps up to the entryway felt impossibly steep, but she clutched the railing and hauled herself upward.
And there it was—the familiar wooden door. Lotte’s door.
With a cold, trembling hand, she pressed the bell. The door opened almost instantly.
Lotte stood there, her messy bun lopsided on her head, an oversized hoodie draped over her frame. Her eyes widened in shock the moment she saw Viv.
“Viv… what on earth… you’re soaked through. I told you, you’ve got to take it easy with that belly of yours!”
She grabbed Viv gently by the arm and pulled her inside. “Come on, shoes off. You’ll slip if you don’t.”
Viv nodded but didn’t speak. Lotte slid the heavy coat from her shoulders and peeled the wet sweater from her skin with careful hands.
Within minutes, she had Viv naked, cocooned on the couch in a fleece blanket, freed at last from the icy grip of her drenched clothes.
Lotte disappeared into the kitchen for a moment and returned with a steaming mug of tea.
“Here. Small sips, okay? You’re freezing.”
Viv opened her mouth, but no words came.
Immediately, Lotte rested a hand on her knee. “You don’t have to tell me anything, Viv. Not now. Only when you’re ready.”
Viv gave the faintest nod, watching as Lotte slipped back into the kitchen again, this time returning with a warm brownie in her hand.
“Here. I figured you and this little baby in here could use some sugar. This will help.”
Viv’s hands trembled as she wrapped them around the mug, balancing the brownie carefully on her lap.
She took tiny sips, small bites, letting the warmth spread down her throat, into her chest—but inside, the cold still clung stubbornly.
Lotte sat down beside her, not too close, not too far. Her knees bent slightly, her hands resting loosely in her lap. She watched Viv with a quiet, worried gaze.
“Do you… want me to say something?” Lotte asked softly.
“Or would you rather stay in silence? That’s fine too.”
Viv parted her lips, but no words came from her trembling mouth.
She set the mug down carefully, inched closer to Lotte, and let herself collapse into her best friend’s arms. It wasn’t a careful movement—more a desperate surrender.
Lotte wrapped her arm around her without a second’s hesitation. It took only moments before the first sob tore through Viv’s chest.
Then more came… deeper, heavier, her whole body shaking with them.
“Shhh… it’s okay, Viv. I’ve got you.”
Lotte rocked her gently, almost without realizing she was doing it.
“Breathe, Viv… in… out… Do you want me to call Beth?”
Viv jolted upright, panic flashing sharp in her eyes. “No… no… don’t call her.”
“Okay, okay, Viv. I won’t. No reason to panic more,” Lotte soothed, her hands lifted slightly in surrender.
But Viv couldn’t stop it. The tears kept coming, unrestrained, spilling down her cheeks. She cried without words, the sound caught somewhere between frustration, grief, and sheer exhaustion.
Minutes passed before her breathing eased enough to let words through. When they finally came, her voice was soft, raw.
“It’s… it’s broken, Lot.”
“What is?” Lotte asked gently.
Viv’s fingers trembled as she lifted her face from Lotte’s hoodie. Her eyes stayed on the carpet, as if it were easier to confess to the floor than to a friend.
“Beth. Me. Us. Everything.”
Lotte’s hand pressed lightly against her arm, a small gesture of comfort.
“Tell me what happened.”
Viv swallowed hard. Her throat felt tight, as if every word had to fight its way through the narrowest space.
“It started with cleaning. I suddenly got this urge. Everything had to go. Everything that… that hadn’t been talked about. Everything that felt dirty had to be gone. And then Beth came downstairs…”
She closed her eyes for a moment, drawing a shaky, deep breath.
“She told me to stop, that it was bad for the baby. And I… I snapped at her. And then… then she said something…”
Lotte tilted her head, searching for a way in. “What did she say, Viv?”
Viv’s voice cracked. “She said that she’d be the one cleaning up the mess if I suddenly couldn’t manage. As if it wasn’t her mess… As if…”
She shook her head violently. “And then it was about the letter.”
Lotte’s eyebrows knitted together. “Letter?”
“There was one on the table. With the three lions logo. You know, the one you should have gotten too, but didn’t.”
Viv’s eyes flashed sharply, even now, as if she were back there with Beth, reliving the same argument all over again.
“She was already asked by Sarina. For the Euros. And she hasn’t said a thing. Nothing at all. She knew for weeks, but said nothing.”
Lotte opened her mouth, then paused, saying nothing, while Viv wiped her wet cheeks with the back of her hand.
“Then I… I exploded. I mean, Lot… week thirty-four. I'm thirty-four weeks pregnant. And she wants to be gone for five weeks. To Switzerland. For a fucking tournament. While I… am alone…”
Her breath caught. She placed both hands on her belly, as if to remind herself she wasn’t completely alone.
“I said things… things that were ugly. She did too. Really ugly. Things I can’t take back. And… I destroyed her medal. From the last Euros.”
Lotte’s eyes widened. “Jesus, Viv.”
“I know… But she said the Euros would be a good escape from my… my whining.”
For a moment, only the tapping of the rain against the windows filled the room.
“I can’t look at her anymore. But I carry our child, Lot. What am I supposed to do? How can I… do this?”
Her voice broke again, and the tears came anew. Lotte shifted slightly closer, wrapping her other arm firmly around Viv and pulling her in.
“You don’t have to do anything right now, Viv. No decisions. Just breathe. Get warm and stay put where it’s safe.”
Viv nodded against her shoulder, but her eyes stayed closed.
Minutes passed. Lotte’s gaze sharpened slowly, but not in judgment—more like someone trying to see all the pieces of a puzzle before forming an opinion.
How had it come to this? Beth and Viv? To everyone else, they had been a match made in heaven. Some days, Beth couldn’t keep her hands off Viv. But now… how had it gone so wrong?
She had to try something.
“Viv… I don’t want you to have to relive it all over again, but I think maybe you need to—for yourself.”
Viv shook her head slowly. “I don’t want to… It was so ugly.”
“I know. But what I’m hearing now are just fragments. I want to know how it started. Why you suddenly… exploded. You’re not someone who just has a cleaning frenzy out of nowhere. Especially not in this state.”
Viv looked away at the window, rain hammering against the glass.
“It started with silence. Beth has been… strange lately. Distant. Like her mind was somewhere else. But she never said anything. I just felt that something was off. And yesterday… everything felt contaminated. With things left unsaid… with secrets.”
Lotte nodded slowly. “And then you started cleaning?”
Viv let out a deep sigh. “Yes. Everything out of the cupboards. All the drawers emptied. Scrubbing the kitchen cabinets. It was like I could clean it out. The unspoken things from Beth. And then she came downstairs.”
Viv shrugged, but her eyes darkened.
“She told me to stop. Said it was bad for the baby. As if I didn’t already know. And I… I snapped back. Something about her suddenly caring so much about the baby again after weeks of strange behaviour. And then…”
Her throat tightened. “Then she said that she would be the one cleaning up the mess if I felt unwell.”
Lotte’s eyebrows shot up. “She actually said that, Viv?”
Viv nodded. “And I… I got angry. Really angry. And then I saw that letter on the table. With the three lions. I knew immediately what it was. She’s been called up for the Euros. And she said nothing. Absolutely nothing!”
“And then?” Lotte whispered.
Viv swallowed again. “Then there was no turning back. She tried to explain that the Lionesses only have three wingers, that she really had to go. But Lot…”
Tears welled up in her eyes again. “Just that word—have to—felt like a dagger. Like she had to choose. And she didn’t choose me. Didn’t choose our child.”
Lotte stayed silent, letting the words hang in the air.
“And then… things were said.”
Viv looked down at her hands. “Unforgivable things. I… I broke her medal from the last Euros. And she said the tournament would be a good escape from my whining.”
Her voice cracked. “As if I… as if we…”
She pressed her hands protectively against her belly.
Lotte’s gaze softened, but stayed firm. “Viv… what did you say to her?”
Viv’s cheeks flushed as she shook her head. “That she’s selfish. That she’d rather be with that stupid team than with us. That she’s not ready for this… for being a mother.”
Her voice trembled. “And I said I hope she loses. That she fails there, so maybe she’ll understand how this feels.”
Lotte blinked slowly. “My God, Viv... And now you feel guilty?”
Viv nodded, tears streaming freely down her face. “Not just toward her… but mostly toward…”
She stroked her belly gently. “Toward our son. He heard everything, Lot. Everything. All those ugly words… That can’t be good, right? That has to be bad?”
Lotte leaned closer and placed her hand over Viv’s, resting it softly on her belly.
“Listen… this little one can feel that you love him. Even now. Especially now. You’re protecting him. He's with you. A fight—even a really ugly one—doesn’t change that.”
Viv’s breathing was quick, shallow, as if at any moment she could spiral out of control again.
“Viv, listen to me… you don’t have to say anything right now. Really.”
Viv shook her head violently. “No… I have to—”
“No. Right now you don’t have to do anything at all! You’re panicked. Your heart’s racing. You’re shaking! If you keep talking now, you’ll only spiral further.”
“I… I just want to… I can’t… she—”
Lotte took her by the wrists, gentle but firm.
“Shh. Pause for a moment. You can sort it all out later. But right now, you need to breathe. Okay?”
Viv looked at her, eyes red and swollen. Finally, she nodded, small and tentative, as if even she could feel she couldn’t hold on any longer.
“We’re going to watch something. Something not about football, not about England. Something silly. Something weird. Something with animals,” Lotte suggested, grabbing the remote.
“Animals?”
“Yeah. Animals are safe. Monkeys, penguins, I don’t know. They don’t judge. They don’t send invitations for an international tournament.”
A documentary about monkeys appeared on the screen. Slowly, Viv’s breathing began to deepen. Every now and then a sob slipped out, but Lotte was right there to steady her.
“They’re just like people… only with less drama.”
Viv’s lips twitched in a faint smile. “Maybe I should go live there. In a monkey colony. No phones, no medals…”
“And no Beth…” Lotte added quietly.
Viv stayed silent. She stared at the screen, but her eyes betrayed her—her thoughts were already back with Beth.
“I can’t stop thinking. What if she’s already decided? What if she just leaves? Without saying anything? Not even one last message?”
Lotte shook her head. “You won’t solve anything by spinning yourself in circles, Viv. You need to ground yourself a bit before you can figure out what you want. Otherwise, it’ll just stay chaos here.”
She tapped gently on Viv’s temple.
“And here…” She laid her hand lightly on Viv’s belly.
Viv bit her lip, but nodded softly. “Thank you.”
Lotte smiled faintly. “That’s my job, Viv. Being your best friend, baking brownies, and putting on monkeys as a distraction.”
“But later, we’ll have to talk. About what I want to do with her.”
“Later, yes, Viv. But not now. Right now it’s you, me, the blanket, and the monkeys. That’s it.”
Viv nodded slowly, letting her shoulders drop for the first time in hours.
Little by little, the documentary came to an end, and Lotte switched off the TV during the closing credits. The hard conversation still had to come. Viv still needed help navigating it…
“Viv… you can stay here, you know. As long as you want. Even until after the birth. Until the baby’s here, and longer if you need.”
Viv looked up slowly, as if the words barely registered.
“Lotte, I can’t… I just can’t—”
“Yes, you can. You don’t have to go back to that house. Not while you feel like this. I have space. And you need to be safe and calm for the next few weeks. That’s more important than anything else.”
Viv let out a short, hollow laugh. “Safe… calm… Lotte, I don’t want to live here forever. Not to be mean, but I just want Beth to be clear. To say no. To prove that… that I… that we…”
“That you’re a priority,” Lotte finished for her.
Viv nodded vigorously. “Yes. That she puts us first. Me. Our baby. Not that stupid Euro's, not Sarina, not those three lions printed on paper on the table.”
Her breath hitched. “I… I want my Beth back. Not the stranger I saw today. That version of her… it was scary. Like I was looking at someone I didn’t even know.”
Lotte scooted a little closer, resting her hand on Viv’s knee.
“Maybe it’s just a phase. Stress, pressure… she might not even know how to handle it herself.”
“A phase? We have six weeks, Lot! Six! Then there’s a baby in that house. And she’s thinking about… pff… England!”
She slammed her hand hard against the armrest. “This isn’t a phase. This is a choice. And if she’s already choosing them now, what about later?”
A brief silence fell. Lotte kept her gaze on Viv, but chose her words carefully.
“Viv, I know you don’t want to hear this. But maybe you need to consider that Beth might make that choice. And then you need to know what you’re going to do.”
“What I do? I don’t know anything. I just want things to go back to how they were. Waking up together, coffee, her stupid jokes… So our baby gets to know Beth. Not that stranger from earlier.”
Lotte scooted even closer and took Viv’s other hand in hers.
“I get it. That’s why I’m offering—come stay here temporarily. As long as you need. Let her figure out what she wants. You need to do what’s right for you and the baby.”
“But Lot… if I say yes to your offer, it feels like I’m giving up. Like I’m admitting we’re broken.”
“Or maybe it means you’re fighting. Just in a way that doesn’t break you.”
Viv opened her eyes again. She swallowed and exhaled deeply. “Okay. I’ll stay. For now.”
Lotte squeezed her hand gently. “For now. And tomorrow we’ll see.”
Lotte stood, steady and resolute. Her gaze was warm, but strong.
“Come on, Viv, you really need to shower. Wash it all off. Come on, I’ll help you.”
Viv shook her head hesitantly. Her hands hovered protectively over her belly, where the movements felt stronger, sharper, more painful.
“I don’t know, Lot… my belly…”
Lotte gently took her arm, careful not to force her. “I’ll stay with you. It’ll help.”
Slowly, Viv stepped under the shower. The hot water hit her skin, making her close her eyes for a moment. But it didn’t feel soothing; it felt like a burning stream.
“Lot…”
A sudden sharp movement from inside her made her clutch her belly, as if trying to support the baby herself.
“Stay calm, Viv. I’m here.”
But then Lotte felt it too—the tension, the panic building in Viv.
“It hurts, Lot. It’s getting worse.”
Quickly, Lotte turned off the water and helped Viv out of the shower, immediately wrapping her in a thick, warm towel.
“You’re doing amazing. You’re so strong, Viv. Remember that.”
She carefully guided Viv to the guest room, where an electric blanket had already been turned on.
“Here, lie down. This might help a little.”
Viv sank onto the bed, her eyes wide with pain and exhaustion. Lotte sat beside her, took her hand, and looked at her.
“Your baby feels everything, Viv. Everything you feel reaches him. It leaves an impression.”
Viv swallowed, her lips trembling slightly. “I want it to stop, Lot. Not just for me, but for him too. I don’t know if Beth will ever understand that.”
Lotte squeezed her hand. “You’re not alone, okay? We’ll get through this together. You and your baby. First, you take care of yourself. Then we’ll see what happens with Beth.”
Viv sighed deeply. “I just want things to be okay again. For everything to feel normal again.”
Lotte wrapped an arm around her. “We’ll try, step by step. But first, rest. I can maybe ease some of the pain with a little massage on your back and shoulders. Only if you want. It might help you relax a bit.”
Viv swallowed, feeling the tears welling up again.
“I… I don’t know. It’s so strange. I want it, but it’s not Beth doing it. It’s your hands, Lot. And it’s not the same.”
She raised a hand and wiped the back of it across her wet eyes.
“I want her, Lot. I want Beth’s hands, her touch, her scent… But when I think of her, everything inside me breaks.”
Lotte held her gaze, soft and understanding. “That’s completely understandable, Viv. It’s terrible to feel like this, stuck in the middle of something so heartbreaking.”
Viv bit her lip and took a deep breath. “I want her back… Mama Beth. The woman I knew, the one who would always put me and our baby first. But now… I just can’t face her.”
Her voice cracked again. “I want her scent, her voice, but I don’t want her near me. Not now. Not after everything that’s been said.”
Lotte gently rocked her. “It’s okay to feel this way. It’s allowed to be here. You can say it, cry it out. No one expects you to fix everything right now.”
Viv sobbed loudly. “I feel so powerless, Lot. Like I’m drowning in everything that’s gone wrong. I don’t know what I want. I want Beth, but I don’t. I want her love, but not her pain.”
“You’re not alone, Viv. I’m here. We can figure out what you need, bit by bit.”
Viv exhaled shakily. “But it’s so hard. I want to make things right, I want hope. But it feels like everything is broken… How can I trust it’ll be okay again? With a baby who feels everything?”
“Your baby feels love too, even when it’s hard. You’ll get through this, Viv.”
Viv slowly let herself relax. “Thank you, Lotte. Really. For who you are.”
Soft, calming music filled the bedroom. It was Lotte’s way of pushing the chaos out, creating a space where Viv could breathe, free from the weight of all those heavy thoughts.
Viv lay on her back now, her shoulders still trembling lightly from the tears she had shed. One hand rested protectively on her belly, where the little life inside moved more insistently with each passing moment. The movements were tense, as if trying to speak.
“Calm down, little one. Mama’s here. We’ll get through this together, remember? I promise, no matter what happens, I’ll always fight for you. Always.”
She felt the warmth of her hands against the coolness of her belly, as if shielding the tiny being from the storm raging both outside and within her.
Lotte watched as Viv’s breathing grew deeper, more even. She saw the struggle in her best friend—the battle not to completely break under the weight of grief, anger, and uncertainty.
“You’re doing so well, Viv. You’re strong.”
Viv nodded, but no words came. The music, the warmth, the gentle stroke of Lotte’s hand—they were slowly working their quiet magic.
Her eyelids grew heavy, her head slowly tipping forward almost on its own. The tears had drained her, and she drifted into a peace she hadn’t felt in ages.
“You’re safe here. I won’t leave you alone.”
Viv sank into a deep, quiet sleep. Her body relaxed, the unrest in her chest easing slightly, as if the baby inside her was soothing her with soft little kicks.
But the silence shattered abruptly. The gentle piano playing was replaced by a loud, insistent noise that echoed through the bedroom.
Viv woke with a start, her eyes snapping open, her heart pounding wildly in her chest.
The presenter’s voice came through, solemn and unyielding. “Breaking News. Beth Mead has officially been confirmed for the European Championship in Switzerland. She will arrive tomorrow morning to join the squad. With Beth Mead, the young team gains a wealth of experience, and the winger problem appears to be solved.”
Images flashed across the screen—Beth smiling in her football kit, the Lionesses logo clear and bright.
Viv felt her breath catch, as if the air had been ripped from her lungs. Her hand slid off her belly, as if letting go of the last thing she was holding onto.
“No… this can’t be happening.”
Tears welled up in her eyes again, but this time it felt more like a roaring storm of anger and despair.
“This is it. No more doubt. No more hope. She’s choosing herself. Always!”
Lotte looked at her with concerned eyes. “Viv, you can’t be so hard on yourself. This isn’t your fault.”
“My fault… That’s what she said! She acts like nothing here matters. Like I don’t matter!”
Her voice grew hoarse. “I want her here. Now! Not later! But she’s not here, damn it!”
“Come on, try to breathe, Viv.”
But Viv wouldn’t give in. “Why should I breathe? What’s the point anymore? Everything I hoped for, everything I believed in… it’s gone.”
Her shoulders shook violently. “She’s already lost me. And I don’t know if I can ever trust that she’ll come back. Or if she’ll ever be the mother I need. And I don’t even know if I want her to have that role for my child anymore.”
Lotte held her tightly, but said nothing.
“How can she do this? Really… how?”
“Viv, I know this is awful, but I’m here with you.”
Viv shook her head, her gaze hard. “I had hope, Lot. I thought… maybe, if she really loved us, if she really needed us, she wouldn’t do this. But it’s all a lie. Everything she said, everything she ever promised me, it means nothing anymore.”
She slammed her fists hard against the mattress. “She’s leaving me here, alone, with everything. I don’t want it to be like this. I want her back. Not that woman on the screen, not the Beth who abandons everything. But I don’t know how…”
Lotte squeezed her hand gently. “Maybe she’s scared too, maybe she doesn’t know what to do.”
“Scared? She left me and our baby behind. How do you justify that?”
A sigh escaped Viv’s lips. “I want to hold her. I want her scent, her voice…”
Tears streamed again, and Viv closed her eyes for a moment. Her head rested against Lotte’s shoulder as one hand slid toward her belly.
“But I promise you, little one, I won’t give up. For you. For both of us.”
Despite the storm of anger raging inside her, the frustration taking its toll, her shoulders gradually relaxed, and her breathing slowed.
If Beth couldn’t keep her promises to their child, then Viv would.
She had promised to stay calm for their baby… so she had to.
Forever... No matter what!