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TADC Episode 6: Breaking down some of the character moments

Summary:

This new episode has consumed my brain. And as I was sitting on Tumblr I ended up writing several analyses and breakdowns of the character conversations we got between the members of the teams, and I realized I could crosspost to Ao3.

So...
1: Zooble and Gangle (Internalized Ableism and Self Acceptance)
2: Ragatha and Kinger (Self Care and Self-Blame)
3: Jax Analysis (Coping Through Emotional Distance (and it isn't working))

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1: Part 1: Zooble and Gangle (Internalized Ableism and Self Acceptance)

Summary:

As someone who is genderqueer and neurodivergent, who also has fibromyalgia, depression, and anxiety, the conversation between Zooble and Gangle really hits a cord with me.

We see in the previous episodes how Zooble continues to be a safe space for Gangle, and that only continues here, which not only showcases their strong bond but also the way community can feel (the times I felt more supported and understood was in the presence of other people who had similar experiences.) I really wanted to break down their conversation and throw in my thoughts/analysis of it because I loved this.

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“You’re a human. You’re not his toy.”

“It sometimes doesn't feel that way.”

  • I wanted to start off here because one thing that catches by attention is the way people with disabilities can be objectified and whittled down to JUST their disability by others. We see this with Jax and the way he seems to only view Gangle as the "sad one", questioning if she even has the capacity to be happy. Jax has his own issues and as we see, assigns archetypes to everyone, but the fact remains that Gangle feels that the only thing she is is her mood disorder, which Jax plays with. Sometimes people like to "test" people with disabilities to see how they react (asking invasive questions, testing the vision of a blind person or the hearing of a deaf person with little reason, antagonizing someone with a mental disability because it's "funny."

“These avatar gimmicks, huh? Makes you wonder why no one else got them.”

  • Then we have this line from Zooble, which makes me consider the idea of if their avatars are linked to who they are (like the way Ragatha is a doll (possibly viewing herself as a one to her mother) or Kinger is a chess piece (which could hint at his hidden intelligence and strategic thinking.)) It's possible that the digital circus bases their avatars on things they're insecure about (which could explain why Pomni is a jester (she wants to be taken seriously) and Jax is a rabbit (rabbit are a prey animal known for being jumpy and he's also stereotypical "female" colors.)) The fact Gangle's avatar centers so much around her masks (and also is a ribbon, something that is very easily bent out of shape and isn't stable) and Zooble's is about replaceable body parts (not knowing fully who they are, or possibly relating to a physical disability they have in the real world.)
  • In addition, it makes sense they would have these "avatar gimmicks" because these traits are still part of them. This could be the game's way of trying to accommodate their differences, since it's not something programming could "get rid of" (Caine does have some influence on their mind but this goes beyond that, this is part of them, and having the program change it would be like "curing" it (and who says they have to be "cured?")

“I just wish that… how are you supposed to like the part of yourself that just… makes you worse than everyone else?”

  • The internalized ableism is so strong here and AHHH GANGLE-
  • I understand her though, because to her it feels like her depression and mania just ruin things both herself and everyone else. In episode 4 we see how she feels after the adventure and how she worries she made people hate her. She care a lot about the safety of her happy mask because she likely doesn't want to "bum people out."
  • The way her emotions change and she feels things isn't necessarily like most of the other people here, and she takes that as a bad thing. We see this with systemic ableism and society as a whole, where we've taken the model of a "perfect standard human" and made it so that's the expectation, that's what things are built upon, and anything falling outside of that is seen as wrong and in need of fixing. Buildings have stairs because it's "expected" of a person to be able to walk up and down them, elevators are only added after due to the pushback and advocacy of people (but if nobody spoke up, we would just go on without an elevator and make the people who can't use the stairs just have to "deal with it.")
  • With physical disabilities, we see efforts for accommodation (although it is still severely limited in areas) but for mental disabilities it's much different, as if people are expected to just adjust. And if they can't, it's their fault. This can cause feelings of self-loathing and resentment for that part of who they are, because they are told it's a problem that should be fixed (and why should they have to "fix it", why can't they just be accomodated for it?)
  • With Gangle, one of the only people who appears to make strides to try and support her is Zooble, because Zooble understands and accepts that this is a part of her, and that not everyone is the same. With most of the other characters, they don't fully understand. Which can make them frustrated with Gangle and make Gangle feel like she's the problem.

“‘Cause it exists. It’s a part of you that’s real, and the only you that you should care about is the real you. You have to choose to love yourself even if it doesn’t make sense. It’s not natural. It’s intentional.”

  • First off... ZOOBLE YOU DROPPED YOUR CROWN-
  • Okay, but actually, this is so beautifully put. I love this show saying that you should love all parts of you, because they exist. You don't need to "fix" things. And this works really well coming from Zooble due to the way it may connect to their queer identity.
  • Before you fully accept yourself, you may view the parts of yourself that are different as "wrong" and in need of changing (think of the pressure some people feel to culturally assimilate, or the way some people just try to "be straight" or "be cis" or how ABA therapy can discourage certain behaviors that are just part of someone.)
  • Zooble appears to be confident in their identity now, but they may have had personal struggles with their identity in the past, so they could be speaking from personal experience. We see back in episode 3 how they dislike their body, yet in now it appears to be something they've taken in more stride (the way built themselves an OP body to fight Jax and Pomni.) We see Zooble accepting themselves more in live time, and it's great to see them now imparting advice on Gangle.
  • In terms of characters, Zooble was always one who as more sure of themselves, so I like them explaining how they got to that point, the implication that this self-acceptance is something they worked for is so beautiful.

“Have… you ever had to make that choice? Sorry I mean- of course not. You’re Zooble.”

  • And then we have this line from Gangle, which further illustrates how Zooble is viewed as one of the people who is more self-accepting. The way Gangle sort of holds them on a pedestal shows that she looks up to them, but possibly thinks who Zooble is isn't attainable for her. Gangle only sees the person they are now, and how they compare to her. She struggles to imagine the idea that Zooble may not have always been that way.

In a lot of ways this conversation has a more seasoned, confident in their identity person imparting wisdom on someone who is struggling to accept and love themselves (think of like an elder gay to young gay conversation.) As someone queer, looking at older queer people with happy lives always fills me with so much hope, especially when they make it clear that they were in our position in the past. It shows that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and things can get better.

Given Gooseworx's own identity of a trans person I can't help but feel like Zooble's voice could possibly also be hers in a way, and she's speaking directly to the audience, telling us things that she may have wished she had been told.

Chapter 2: Part 2: Ragatha and Kinger (Self Care and Self Blame)

Summary:

I was so happy when I saw Kinger and Ragatha were paired together this episode because of how last episode ended with Ragatha being alone. Kinger in his moments of clarity is able to give so much insight and wisdom, and clearly wants everyone to be okay (remember how he was in Hell in episode 3), so I was hoping he'd be able to see something was wrong and breach the subject. One thing about Kinger is how he doesn't have as much of a filter as the other characters and doesn't really try to "play a part", he just says things as they are, which makes him the best candidate to talk to Ragatha (especially since he has more of an outside eye on things.) I was not disappointed with their conversation.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

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Right off the bat the way Kinger approaches Ragatha is so gentle and caring, he can tell things are off. When Ragatha is unable to answer him verbally he asks simple yes/no questions to try and understand the situation and gives her the opportunity to talk on her terms. This was handled amazingly well (both by Kinger and the creators who wrote this scene.)

And then the dialogue...

“I might have failed Pomni. Just like I failed Jax. I tried too hard to get on their good side, and then I just end up pushing them away. And then, they end up hating me.”

  • Right off the bat we see that Ragatha blames herself for how things have turned out. She seems to view any problems with a relationship as her fault.
  • Additionally, we get some potentially interesting implications about Jax and her history. The animosity between them may have developed over time, and despite Ragatha's constant annoyance with Jax and even claiming she "hates him", she appears to blame herself for how things have turned out.
  • This shows how heavily she views the others in the circus' wellbeing as her responsibility, and shows how in some ways she does have a savior complex. (This may in part be something that could cause Jax to be aggravated by her, because he may think he doesn't need to be "saved", and may take offense to the idea that his current behavior is somehow a result of Ragatha rather than something he himself chose.)
  • She seems to already view Pomni as going down the same path as Jax. She thinks she's pushed her away and that she will now hate her. While Pomni hasn't always the best interactions with Ragatha, and has been seen bonding with Jax, the way Ragatha's mind immediately jumps to that meaning that Pomni must hate her shows how insecure she really is when it comes to this. Even if you people aren't instant friends, that doesn't mean they hate each other
  • This whole thing is so incredibly relatable as someone who has struggled with making friends, and sometimes feels like I'm trying "too hard" to appease other, wondering if they can sense it and if that makes them dislike me more. So kudos for how this was broken down.

“Well, I don’t think anyone in here hates you.”

“Jax does! Gangle and Zooble don’t ever talk to me, and Pomni probably won’t after today either."

  • As previously stated, Ragatha seems to assume the worst in how others feel about her in a lot of ways. If she makes a mistake, she'll likely be quick to assume they'll hate her for it, and if someone does hate her, she'll feel like they have a valid reason for doing so.
  • We see this is her sort of trying to justify Jax's hatred for her (although I don't believe he's ever used the word "hate", but given his actions it's understandable for Ragatha to take that leap) by making it her fault.

"She came to me wanting to be on my team. I said no. Why did I do that?”

“Maybe you just needed a break. It sounds to me like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be there for everyone, and when you’re not, you beat yourself up for it. You said you failed Pomni. Why do you feel that way?”

  • A couple things here: Ragatha questions why she said no to Pomni, which can show that even though she said it was to help Kinger, it was a decision she was unsure about. She tried to help one person, and in doing so feels like she failed another (but you can't help everyone at once.) Kinger then brings up the idea that Ragatha needed a break, suggesting another motive behind her actions, a motive that is completely valid.
  • Sometimes, especially in relationships where you constantly have to put emotional labor in and stress over, you need a break, and sometimes that involves giving yourself space. And that doesn't make you a bad person. It's possible this was one of the motives behind Ragatha's actions but she wasn't even aware of it until Kinger said that (and hearing that aloud, she'd probably blame herself for being selfish, which is why it's so good that Kinger continues on.)
  • I had thoughts back to "Surface Pressure" in Encanto when Kinger talked about Ragatha feeling like she needed to be there for everyone. She feels like she has to be this pillar to support everyone, but she's also crumbling and can't hold everyone up (and she shouldn't have to.) She's a ragdoll literally coming apart at the seams.

“I don’t know. I feel like every day, we’re drifting further apart. Like she’s seen through all my tricks and doesn’t trust me anymore. Before I know it… she’ll be a different person. One who doesn’t even want me around.”

  • First thing: notice how she calls it "tricks", which sort of seems more of how Jax would likely view her actions since he seems to believe she is being manipulative for a benefit. The fact she's adopting this language shows that in some ways, she may also view herself as a bad person for not being genuine (but she doesn't feel like she has another option if she wants to help people.) It's possible part of this stems from her mother, who Ragatha describes as someone who has gaslighted and berated her. Abusers who gaslight have a tendency of making the victim believe that they deserve punishment, or that they're the one in the wrong, which could explain why Ragatha is so quick to blame herself for everything that happens. As a child her mother did, and that may have never faded.
  • The way she talks about Pomni drifting away and becoming a different person who doesn't want her around makes me wonder if this is Ragatha creating a worst case scenario for herself (like when childhood friends drift apart and we start feeling insecure), or if this was the case in the past (possibly with Jax, who Ragatha believes she "failed.")

“The way I see it, relationships are two-sided, and sometimes it doesn't make sense to do all the heavy lifting when the other isn’t in the mood. We all go through and deal with things differently, and sometimes you just need to let people do things their own way– as long as you’re still there when they need you. Giving someone space should never be the same as giving up on them.”

  • First off, let me just say how incredibly true this statement is. One person shouldn't be doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. And sometimes people deal with things differently or need space, and that may not personally be because of something you did.
  • Kinger is saying things Ragatha needs to hear, because she constantly is putting the burden of relationships on herself, she feels like she has to be the one driving, because if she isn't then the car will just crash. The thing is, relationships aren't a car where one person is in the drivers seat and one person is in the passengers, both should have a handle on the steering wheel and the gas/breaks.
  • Ragatha feels like she needs to drive in this scenario, because if she doesn't then she is letting the other person crash. The thing is, no matter what the situation is she is going to feel like its her fault. If she doesn't try hard enough then she's failed and abandoned them, and if she tries too much then she pushed them away and made them hate her.
  • Ultimately, relationships should be about being a safe space for someone to go to. Sometimes there are issues a person is dealing with that a friend is not able to directly help with, but they can still be there to support them.
  • And Kinger's statement about giving people space not being the same as giving up on them... it rings true both for advice Ragatha should take and can also be used to comfort her with the idea that just because people aren't always around her doesn't mean they hate her. Sometimes people need to separate for a bit, but that doesn't make their relationship any less strong. A bit issue Ragatha seems to have is that she hovers and lingers too close (wanting to use any opportunity to help and make a connection), but this statement from Kinger shows that it's not the only way to show you care, and sometimes it's more helpful to actually give a person their space.
  • Ragatha and Pomni said they were going to talk after the award show, and I think their space apart as well as their respective conversations this episode is going to help facilitate a more solid friendship. Ragatha needs to know that it's okay to lean on other people, and she doesn't always have to be the strong one.

“I don’t even know what I want. I just want everyone to be happy. And I don’t want people to hate me.”

“Do you hate yourself?”

  • Here we get further confirmation of Ragatha's people-pleasing tendencies, as well as how she doesn't want anyone to hate her. Given her mother, this definitely makes sense because she likely has tried her hardest to be "perfect", maybe her mother made her disdain clear and Ragatha can't take that from anyone else. And given her own miserable background, she doesn't want anyone to feel the way she has. She wants to make them happy.
  • The way Kinger asks the question and the lack of an answer Ragatha gives us tells us all we need to know, she does hate herself. And from her perspective why wouldn't she? She was never taught to love herself. She constantly is messing up and is thus not worthy of being loved (but that's not how love should work, love shouldn't have to be earned.)
  • Ragatha saying she doesn't want people to hate her, but her hating herself also implies that she doesn't view herself as people. Her own feelings towards herself aren't as valuable or important and others.

“I hated myself. I couldn’t help but hate myself for the things I thought I was responsible for. I thought I’d lost everything. But then… you showed up. And my outlook just… changed. There are always ways to show you care without ruining yourself over it. You need to look out for yourself in all this, too.”

  • The beginning is... a lot to unpack. It seems to potentially imply that Kinger blames himself for Queenie's abstraction, as well as the situation they're in, which brings up the question of if his computer science background has anything to do with why he's in the circus (especially since we see he's able to manipulate the code by spawning butterflies).
  • Similar to Zooble and Gangle's conversation, Kinger's words show that things have the potential to change. Except unlike with Zooble, Kinger openly admits that he experienced Ragatha's struggles, except the person who helped in this case wasn't his decision to love himself, but Ragatha. Which is something she likely needs to hear because she has been feeling like she makes things worse or is a waste of space, yet Kinger is admitting to her directly that she made things better. (Which is a first step, because in the end her happiness and worthiness to exist shouldn't depend on what she can give to others, but that's something that takes a long time to accept.)
  • Ragatha has been burning herself out to try and support the others, and Kinger makes it clear that that's not always the best option. You shouldn't need to hurt yourself to love others, or prove you're worthy of love (give Ragatha's background though, it makes sense than she'd view love as something she'd have to work for, and associate it with pain).
  • Kinger taking Ragatha that she needs to care for herself is something that will likely take a while for her to accept, because she's likely been told her whole life that taking care of herself is selfish, and that's a bad thing. Learning to value your wellbeing is something I can see coming in two stages: 1) taking care of your wellness so you're in the right place to help others, in which the reason behind your actions is still rooted to concern for others rather than prioritizing yourself, and then 2) prioritizing your wellbeing because it's important, which I can see taking Ragatha a lot longer to accept.

Ultimately I really enjoyed this conversation, I feel like a lot of important topics were handled: the burden a person can place on themselves to make sure everything is okay, the way we read into things and think things are our fault, the way relationships shouldn't be focused on a single individual, the very real experience of friends drifting away, and learning to care for ourselves. Round of applause for Kinger and cuddle pile for Ragatha, they both deserve it.

Notes:

To any of my SB fans... anyone else getting Kinger and Neptune parallels? They both are known for being the "crazy" ones, have issues with their memory, have lost someone in the past, and have these moments of lucidity where they drop really sound advice.

Chapter 3: Part 3: Jax Analysis (Coping Through Emotional Distance (and it isn't working))

Summary:

Okay so, Jax... there is A LOT that can be said about him this episode, I was hoping we'd get more depth on him with this one, and we certainly did. I've rewatched the scenes with him speaking and it's interesting how much of what he says and does is fake, how much he conflicts himself. Jax is a master at saying one thing, and making big actions that support that, but if you pay close attention you can tell it's mostly performative, because this is how he's learned to cope.

Except, as we can see by the end of the episode, his way of coping is clearly not healthy.

Notes:

This one was long because I had so much to say but... here you go.

Chapter Text

It's all a simulation.

So... let's discuss how he tries to frame things for himself.

“You know none of this is real, right?”

“What’s the point in taking the moral high ground?”

“Look, I know what it’s like. One day, you’re somebody in the real world doing important things. And then, the next, you’re just a weird little cartoon… jester. You want to hold on to that part of you that still thinks it’s part of that world, but in the end what does it get you? Ragatha tries to be all nice and friendly but she gets torn up every other adventure. Whether we like it or not, all we are now is a bunch of cartoon characters. So what’s the point in pretending we’re not?”

“We’re still people though, right?” (Pomni)

“I thought we were at first, but as time goes on we just end up falling into our archetypes. Become part of the machine.”

  • All these lines show how he's tried to distance himself from things, and in a way how he's also given up on his humanity. Being part of the circus, being an archetype is easier because you don't need to do much thinking.
  • He seems to have thought differently in the past, what with the way he knows what Pomni is going through, but at a certain point (likely due to Ribbit abstracting) he gave up, because if you're part of the machine, if you're a one-dimensional character, then you don't have to feel complicated emotions. It's ultimately a way for him to protect himself. He tries to force himself into a box (and forces others into boxes with the archetypes he assigns them) to make things easier for himself. If he's just a cartoon character then none of this matters (in a lot of ways, he may be jealous of NPCs and almost prefer to be one, because at least then things are simple.)

“Ragatha’s the cheerful one. Gangle’s the sad one. Kinger’s the crazy one. Zooble’s the grumpy one and you are the one who hasn’t figured that out yet. We all just became archetypes. I at least have the self-awareness to choose who I am.”

  • And this line shows he believes this is true for everyone in the circus, not just himself. But he believes he is somehow smarter or superior because he is aware of what's happening, he got to choose the box he was put in, while he views the others as "poor fools" who "refuse to realize what's going on." (Because if the "ultimate" form to be in this circus is to become an archetype, then Jax is just helping others find their role, and if nobody else is breaking out of their box, he will have an easier time staying in his own, which is safe.)

I used to think Jax's behaviors had things to do with him trying to maintain hold of his autonomy, but watching this the opposite seems to be true. He tries to force himself into a role he's assigned himself (which allows him to feel some sense of control since he picked the role), tries to pretend nothing matters, but the thing is, in reality, it does.

Because as much as he tries to dismiss it, he is human. Some of the times we see him get the most freaked out are when someone exerts control over him (when Gangle talks to Caine about punishing employees, when he is captured in "training", when he becomes a vegan, when he finds out he lacks a tail, the dress scene.) The tries to act like he doesn't care what happens, but in reality whenever things make him realize he truly is trapped, he seems to break for a split second.

And beyond that, Jax had a very interesting reaction both times he got shot. While most of the other characters seemed to pick up and move on quickly, it seemed to shake him both times. When Ragatha has his gun backfire, he takes out another gun and shoots her several times while breathing heavily, showing he's on edge. And then when Zooble gets the jump on him and Pomni, he has to rest on the floor for the moment (he also says "ow" which... I believe it's been established they can't really feel pain.)

It's possible his strong reactions to these incidents are because he's being reminded that he really is in a simulation, that he isn't (at least in this sense) human, and while he pretends to take it in stride, the truth is he is terrified.

He is one of the characters to talk about being hungry and wanting to eat, as well as wanting to sleep, even though it's been established that neither are necessary for the residents of the circus. The fact he continues to do so shows that in some way he's clinging to what it means to be human, even if he tries to pretend otherwise. He mocks others for clinging to remnants of their past lives, yet in the end he also struggles to remove himself (and his act is likely a way of overcompensating for it, of trying to remind himself of the situation.)

(Someone brought up that this also may be why he's hesitant to stop breathing to see what happens to his body, he might not be afraid of people seeing what happens to him, he might actually be afraid of being reminded that he doesn't need to breathe.)

Pushing People Away.

But Jax's need to remain simple and one-dimensional can face opposition in the face of other people (because other people may remind him of the fact that he is human, may look for more to him, and that just complicates things for him), which leads to him pushing people away. He pushes them away because he's learned to cling to his archetype to survive, and people threaten his ability to maintain it.

But the inverse is also true, because part of why he clings to his archetype is because if he is a one-dimensional character, even he is just a jerk, then when bad things happen he won't be hurt. In a way they feed each other, Jax's archetype has become partly rooted in his pushing people away, and by pushing people away, he is able to remain comfortably in his archetype.

“I’m learning a lot about you today.”

“Let’s not forget, we’re here to kill people.”

  • We see this after Pomni asks Jax about his fear of corn, and how he may have trypophobia. And this is one of these moments where we see him try to shift the topic away from himself and on to the adventure at hand. It's interesting, given how in the last episode Jax took opportunities to try and get to know Pomni, but he puts distance when she tries to know him. I feel like he is only comfortable with interactions like these when he is the one in the control, since he can work to prevent himself from getting attached. Here, Pomni is the one asking the questions and leading the conversation, getting closer to Jax, and even from early on we see that Jax tries to hide from it.

And then omg everything that happens after they "win."

“We make such a good team!”

  • When Pomni hugs Jax (and remember that Pomni has been shown to hate physical touch, and this is one of the few times she initiates it. We see him immediately freeze up. Watching it in slow motion, he appears scared at first, and he immediately responds by shoving her away.
  • This was the breaking point for him I think, in the hallway when he was with Kaufmo and Ribbit's doors he was already acknowledging the fact that he and Pomni were actually beginning to get close, and that terrified him (because it goes against everything he has worked for himself, because getting close to someone is a risk, and possibly because Jax even views himself as dangerous and worries that people who do get close to him end up hurt (which could potentially explain part of his reaction to Ragatha accusing him of "corrupting" Pomni, as well as explain his reaction later on when Pomni mentions him being the reason people abstract.))

“Well to be fair, our competition wasn’t anything crazy.”

  • His eyes shift from small, pinprick cubes, back into his more "neutral" setting, which seems to again be showcasing him stepping back into his mask and role. When he pushes her away, he immediately tries to brush off the situation and also make it seem lesser than it is as he attempts to regain control.

“Eh, yeah, true… I suppose this is the part where one of us betrays the other.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, you can betray me.”

“Oh I- I thought this was going to be a mutual thing.”

“Nah, nah. Go on, do it.”

  • As Pomni looks away, Jax goes back to looking at his hand in shock, again possibly showing how much the hug threw him off. And the moment she turns back to him he gets back into character.
  • Pomni betraying him makes him relax, because this is something that more follows what he would expect given his role and the role Pomni chose for herself. He's quick to let her betray him and seems eager for it to be over with, likely because then that means this adventure will be over and things will go "back to normal." Him telling her to betray him is him attempting to regain control once again, because this is something he can expect, something he can play into.

“I don’t really want to.”

“Laame! Come on, I thought you were cool!”

“We could just be winners. As a team.”

“We’re not a team, come on.”

“What do you mean? Yes we are.”

“Delusional.”

“W-weren’t we kind of bonding over being chaotic evil together?”

“I was merely entertaining you because I thought it was funny. Now are you gonna shoot me, or what?”

  • But Pomni refuses, and this pushback makes him more desperate. He needs her to shoot him, because if she shoots him he can say that they were never anything more. And when she continues to argue they're a team, he tries to make her upset (Jax falls back to ragebaiting when things get too comfortable), he mocks her, tells her flat out they're not a team, and then even tries to gaslight her by saying she was the delusional one (which could also be a commentary on himself because maybe part of him actually relaxed for a moment too).
  • Then with that last line he's trying to get ahold of the narrative again, try to cling to the story and the idea that he's the "funny one" and everything he does is simply for his own amusement, turning himself back into the villain. Because if he is the asshole here, and Pomni feels hurt, she'll stop chasing after him.

“Did I… do something wrong?”

“Ugh, you sound like Ragatha right now. No wonder we’re not a team.”

“No I mean- we were doing fine. Having fun, talking. But you suddenly just-”

  • Pomni seems to quickly latch on to that shift, and notices he's trying to push her away. And I wouldn't be surprised if possibly much earlier in the circus, Ragatha said these exact words to Jax- maybe after Ribbit abstracted he started using these tactics to push everyone away and Ragatha tried to hold on, but he just kept going.
  • Ragatha leaving him is the best case scenario for him in his opinion, because Ragatha does have a hero complex, and would likely continue to poke and prod. So when he finally does get her to think of him of something as a lost cause, he can finally breathe. The thing is, we see that Ragatha seems to have internalized this as her indeed having done something wrong and "failed him", which he may even be aware of and that just irritates him more, because in his mind he doesn't need "saving."

“You’re not committing. Do it.”

“If I shoot you right now, are we still going to be friends afterwards?”

“We were never friends.”

  • Here we see Jax's pupils gets here and see him try hard to commit to the bit. We just have a giant grin, with eyes that are blank but also hungry, he plasters on his one-dimensional mask full-stop and tries to goad Pomni into shooting him, but it doesn't work.

“Wh- what about all that stuff you told me?”

“Yeah, I did tell you a lot, didn’t I? Not looking forward to thinking about that tomorrow.”

  • This is something he seems to try and brush off, making it out to be something small and embarrassing, something he slightly regrets. He tries to play it off in a way where it is like "oh I accidentally said too much here, whoopsie," and make it into something that Pomni should not hold much value in. It was just part of his act and the role he was playing, he got a bit too carried away... but it was in the name of the "game."
  • But truthfully the fact he said so much terrifies him. He needs her to not care about the things he said because then he can stop thinking about the fact that he messed up. He's trying to cover up the severity of how much this affected him by acting flippant.

“No, no, no, no. We’re not doing this. You’re not going to look me in the eye and tell me that nothing we did together meant anything to you because I know that’s not true.”

“Are you coming on to me? Yeah, that’s what everybody wants- a straight couple.”

“Oh my god, can you take this seriously?! Can you take anything seriously?”

“Dude, you’re a cartoon clown. How am I supposed to take you seriously.”

  • And here we just have more deflection and ragebaiting, some of Jax's favorite things to do to get out of hard conversations. He says things for shock value, and hopes that it will upset them enough for them to continue what they were originally talking about. Joking about crushes is a classic way to get people to back off because it can make people defensive, and then when that doesn't work he goes to insulting her appearance and making it clear that he WONT take her seriously (except he plays it as being her fault, rather than it being because he REFUSES to), he tries to make it seem like he's accusing her of being the problem, because again, that can make people defensive and she can get angry, as opposed to just digging into him.
  • He tries to play into her insecurities, targeting her appearance nd the fact people seem to treat her like a child/not take her seriously. And if the idea that their avatars are representative of their insecurities in a way, then him talking about her being a cartoon clown and attributing that to being why he can't take her seriously (because she's a joke), is true then and this is something Jax is aware of, then it is even moreso an attempt at this.
  • Jax is quite literally trying to press every button he can to regain control of the situation, to get Pomni to act in a way that he has come to expect (these methods of deflection we see used throughout the show on the other characters multiple times, especially Ragatha and Zooble, who both have explosive reactions and try to just shut him down (which he is more comfortable with.))

“Wh- I- You reached out to me, not the other way around. You’re just going to pretend that didn’t happen?”

“You must be misremembering.”

  • And here we have gaslighting in an attempt to brush her off, as well as another attempt to incite anger, because even if Pomni remains true to her convictions, the fact he's blatantly trying to gaslight her would hopefully make her upset. By being difficult and "rejecting reality", he's again trying to get her focus more on her annoyance of him as opposed to the fact that in reality, she was getting too close.

“Is this why you didn’t show up to Kaufmo’s funeral?”

“I don’t show up to ANY funerals.”

“Yeah I bet you don’t, because you’re scared. You’re scared you’ll actually show a human emotion.”

“I’m scared I'll be bored to tears.”

  • Here this seems like some of his efforts have paid off, and Pomni is upset because she throws accusations back at him, accusations that have the double meaning of attempting to turn the tables by inciting an emotional reaction from Jax. She's still asking questions, and it seems even then when she's angry that it's still an effort to better understand him, but these questions only make Jax double down on his persona because he doesn't want to be vulnerable, especially likely in regards to funerals.
  • It's completely possible that he didn't show up to Ribbit's funeral either, but for the complete opposite reason: he knew he wouldn't be able to handle it. If he feels personally responsible for Ribbit's abstraction then there also may be a level of thinking he doesn't belong there.
  • With Kaufmo's funeral, him going would go against the persona he built up, and if he genuinely did show any grief, it would risk people seeing beneath the exterior he put up. (We see in episode 2 when the funeral gets mentioned that Jax's eyes go small for a split second before his face returns to normal with a scowl, showing that there was some cracks in the mask, and he had to scoff at the funeral in an attempt to avoid it breaking any further.)

“Have you ever though that this might be what causes people to abstract in the first place?”

  • And this. This hits the nail on the head. We see Jax's demeanor immediately change. Pomni seems to be saying here that Jax's approach with apathy for others may likely make people feel unwanted and unimportant, which contributes to their abstractions, but the only thing Jax can hear is her blaming him and trying to claim knowledge of something that he has experience and trauma about.
  • Alternatively, she could be saying that people burying their emotions is what leads to them abstracting, calling out Jax on what he’s doing. Jax doesn’t hear that though. He hears Pomni accusing him of making people abstract (“corrupting” people in a way).

“Oh my god! Are you seriously gonna blame me for something that everybody else did, too? You didn’t even know him! You don’t even know what people are like before they abstract! They are NOT pleasant to be around– like at all! You-”

  • And there's the break. He isn't even attempting to act anymore. He is angry and he's still trying to push her away, but things have become personal in a way they weren't before.
  • His reaction here makes it possible that he has blamed himself for abstractions in the past, and this is his reaction to these insecurities being confronted. Part of him may try to say he isn't the only one at fault because everyone here is the problem (he is unspecific about what "everybody else did" too, but it likely is failing them and not preventing their abstraction.) But ultimately he’s saying that to cover up for the fact that in the end, he does feel like it’s his fault.
  • And the rest of this is personal, because she doesn't get it. Whatever happened in the past seems to have particularly messed him up (which may be part of why he sped so quickly away from Kaufmo in the pilot, he already tried once with Ribbit, he can't try again.)
  • But then he catches himself going too far into his own memories, he catches himself saying too much and he just stops. His eyes go bigger again, his smile returns, and he picks the mask back up.

“I’m- I’m sorry.”

“I’m sure you are. Hoo man, this was all sorts of embarrassing, huh? So, you gonna shoot me, or what?”

  • Pomni genuinely seems shocked by his reaction, and she can see that there is likely something deeper here, so she apologizes, which just likely annoys Jax more because here he was the one who got sloppy, he is embarrassed at himself for letting so much slip, for allowing himself to get so angry (Jax can dish the ragebait but he can't take it), and he desperately tries to grab ahold of things again by changing the subject and making light of the situation, acting again as if this was just an embarrassing little slip up that didn't bother him as much as it did, so Pomni will move on.

“What would you do if I abstracted tomorrow?”

  • The thing is, here the damage has been done. Jax's behavior has made her ask more questions, and we know from episode 2 that people's reaction (or lack of) to her abstraction is something she is scared of. Given his emotional reaction to her comment about abstractions, I think she is trying to better understand here. Because Jax pretends to be apathetic about abstractions when they clearly get to him.
  • But that isn't the only point of her asking, part of her really does genuinely want to know.
  • This question also serves the point of Pomni seeing just how far Jax will go with his act, because it seems clear that despite his words, he does feel things. This is her giving him a chance to be honest, to see how far he'll take things to push her away (all while hurting her.)

“I’d move on. I’d probably forget about you.”

“Okay. Okay. I understand.”

  • And here she gets his answer, because he stays true to his facade. Even though we've seen time and time again in this very conversation that his efforts to remain relaxed and uncaring aren't working. Jax says the most hurtful thing he can to push her away, and I think the answer both hurts Pomni (not just because of the answer (which she may not completely believe), but because he was willing to say it) and disappoints her because of how hard he clearly is clinging to things. She sees how Jax refuses to be genuine or open up, even in regards to a very serious topic. He's valuing to comfort of this role he has created for himself over the feelings of others, again.

“Jeez, you really can’t take a joke, can you?”

  • Here, Jax is again trying to reclaim his archetype as the "funny one", he's supposed to hurt people because it's funny, not because he's scared of them getting too close, so this is thrown in. He wants her to know he's not serious, but he also wants her to see him as an asshole who would say things like that as a "joke."
  • And it sets Pomni off, because she can still see him clinging to this role, she can see his willingness to say such hurtful things for the sake of this facade, and she's angry. Because she knows he isn't being funny. She either knows he's scared and is pissed at him for trying to claim otherwise, or she's specifically calling him out for the fact saying things like that isn't funny (and I think the thing is, Jax knows it's not funny, but it's "what his character would do", the mask Jax holds says horrible things for his own amusement, knowing nobody else thinks they're funny and it just distances himself further from them.)

“You’re not the funny one!”

  • Because he isn't. And he's not just the mean one either. He's the scared one. He's the coward who refuses to admit his emotions and chooses to hide behind a mask, choosing to hurt people so he can feel safe.

“Uh, I don’t think that counts.”

“Fight back!”

“Are you crazy?!”

“I said fight back!”

“What’s wrong with you?!”

“Why didn’t you fight back?”

  • Pomni is just done, she is exhausted. She attacks him because if what he's saying is true, if he really doesn't care, then he shouldn't have any problem with fighting back. If he is so fine with hurting people, then that should extend here. Except Jax doesn't, he's genuinely thrown off by her reaction, and because of this he forgets the person he is supposed to be. If Jax had his wits about him, he probably would hurt her back, but the thing is it just catches him off guard, and his reactions to her attacks are genuine. He puts in a half-attempt to call her crazy and brush her reaction off, but still he doesn't fully commit to his act.
  • And Pomni sees that Jax doesn't fight back, which only proves that he's lying. She wants him to just finally be honest, to admit that he does care but is scared. But instead Jax uses the moment he gets out to truly double down on everything.

“Oh, here we go, here we go! Because I didn’t fight back that means I secretly care about you?! I’m just a misunderstood chicken fetus in an egg that needs to be cracked open. Well I. Am. Not. I do not care about you or anyone else in this circus in the slightest! End of story. You are my play things and I get joy out of making you suffer! I’m the one who causes pain for fun! If I led you on it was just to make this part hurt you more.”

  • One thing I noticed here, his eyes are smaller. Usually when Jax is being sadistic and playing his role, his eyes are big. The fact that they're so small here shows that despite his best efforts, he isn't all there. Everything he says here is likely what he genuinely tries to tell himself.
  • He throws everything he can to try and make her think he's a lost cause, a villain, he begs her to stop. This is him laying everything about who he is supposed to be flat out. This is the role he has constructed that he forces himself to play, because if he is just this then there is nothing more for people to look for. This is who he needs to be (okay now I'm thinking about Angel Dust's breakdown in episode 4 of Hazbin), because if he's that, then everything is easier.

“F*ck.”

  • And then he turns away and immediately is annoyed with himself, because he knows he let this get too far out of control. We see him look down at his hand again (the same hand he looked at after Pomni hugged him) and he's realizing how much he messed up.

“F*ck.”

“There’s nothing more to me. So please, just stop looking.”

  • This is his plea. He's exhausted. He knows Pomni may not have completely bought into everything, so he's hoping that if he hasn't pushed her away with his words and actions, then she will just be kind enough to leave him alone. He breaks character because he doesn't know what else to do, and he can't have her keep pressing.
  • We see from his appearance alone how tired he is, and he no longer even tries to hide it. For that moment he lets Pomni see things, because he's tired and has no other cards left to play.
  • It also may be part of him showing genuine remorse, the part of him that does want companionship trying to communicate that he is sorry, that he needs to do this, and that Pomni just leave Jax alone as a lost cause. He's resigned to his fate, to his mask, and is begging her to move on. All while unintentionally communicating to her and the audience how desperate and tired he is.

AND THEN we get the scene with the awards, where Jax sits away from everyone else, likely out of embarassment, because he knows he let himself fall too much, he revealed too much, and he's so tired that he can't handle continuing to put on a show. Beyond that, he also doesn't want to see how Pomni ultimately took things, because part of him didn't want to hurt her, but he saw it as necessary, and he's even more scared that she hasn't let go, that she's still looking, because he no longer has the energy to perform. All the energy he had is currently gone, and he's struggling to hold himself together in his seat. He's overwhelmed, and likely feeling everything at once, feeling things he tries hard not to feel because he doesn't have the ability to block it out anymore, and it's overstimulating.

So he goes into the bathroom and has a panic attack, because even when he's this overwhelmed, he refuses to break down in public. And then we see everything hit him at once, the exhaustion, the emotional rollercoaster, and the conflicting feelings he has because he is terrified, he didn't want to hurt her, but he didn't have a choice, and he hates himself for feeling so much about this. Because the fact he's feeling so much proves that despite his best effort he's still failing at what he has set himself out to be.

This episode, we fully get to see both some of the reasons behind Jax's actions (fear) and also the fact that despite everything he is falling apart. He wants to force himself to be a one-dimensional character, he tries to push everything down, but it's not working. His need to distance himself has hurt the people around him as well as himself, but he refuses to change or do anything to be better because he doesn't know what else to do. He's grown so used to this routine, and even if it is chipping away at him, the thought of not having it at all terrifies him.

He tries to tell himself it isn’t real, that he should abandon his humanity, that he needs to hold on to this role he’s given himself in order to be safe, yet we see actions that directly conflict that. The way he reacts to getting shot as well as him continuing the routine of eating and sleeping shows that he does continue to perceive himself as a human, as much as he tries to push it down. The role he has is hurting him and the people around him, and it’s the thing putting him the most at risk. He tells himself that he and everyone else need to be one-dimensional archetypes in order to survive the circus, but the truth is the opposite. They’re people, they can’t abandon their humanity because they aren’t machines (and even when someone abstracts, we see that part of who they are may still remain, the people they are chafe against the coding of the circus and the rules it’s set up.) Jax, for all his chaos, is the one trying to hardest to “do what he’s supposed to do” in an effort to preserve himself (as well as possibly distancing himself from others so they won’t get hurt). He’s not an NPC, but he sure as hell would like to be.

Notes:

I have most posts regarding this episode and the characters in my tumblr if anyone is interested! User is same as my account here! ChaoticAce2005