Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mornings are always the hardest for her, that’s why I choose to visit then.

I’ve been sitting in my room for the past hour, gazing out the window, to the sun rising above the lake, changing the color of the sky with such a hurry one might think that time is just an illusion.

Well, maybe it is.

Sometimes I wonder if, given the chance to go back to when I was young, I would do things differently, but then I see where I managed to end up and I’m calm, knowing that I did everything the way it was supposed to be done, no matter the things I’ve lost along the way. Especially when I know that she’s in the room at the end of the hallway. That’s the thought that gives me the strength to stand up and grab the notebook that has become an extension of myself in recent times, its soft cover familiar to my hand.

I’m aware of everyone looking at me with pity when I walk by, whispering at my back, like I’m fragile or delusional, but they will never understand how I feel, how grateful I am for what I did with my life. It doesn’t matter that I’m running out of time, that nothing will be the same ever again. The only thing I set out to do years ago was not to die with regrets, and I think I'm succeeding.

I’m not ashamed.

Two nurses are in the room when I enter, and I force small talk with them while they finish getting her ready for the day – her red outfit as immaculate as always.

I’m nervous when I’m here, but I do my best to hide it, admiring the paintings on the walls – the one with the waves, my favorite. I wish this was my lucky day, though I ask for that every morning when I wake up. There’s nothing but hope in my heart – she taught me that. I know the odds are against me, everyone keeps repeating it when they talk to me, like I’m an idiot and I don’t know how these things work. Like I don’t know her.

It’s disrespectful, but it doesn’t break my heart anymore.

“Hello,” I say, cheerfully, maybe this way I can draw her attention. But I don’t, she’s too focused on whatever she’s observing on the other side of the window, the exact same way I did a few minutes ago. It gives me time to contemplate her.

It’s one of the nurses that breaks the silence that settles between us, though.

“I don’t think she’s up to doing anything. I’ve been trying to take a walk with her for the past five minutes, but she keeps refusing. I think it would be better to let her rest and not upset her today.”

I nod, but I’m not about to give up. So, I move to where she is and stare in the same direction as her for a moment before she finally notices me, looks at me. Her brows are furrowed and there’s not even a ghost of the smile she always used to have on her face, but she’s still so beautiful. Like a movie star.

I haven’t gotten used to her being so quiet – I might never do.

“If you’re not in the mood for a walk right now, maybe you could let me read you a story I’ve been wanting to tell someone. No one here cares to listen to it, but I promise you that it’s worth hearing.”

“I don’t think so. I don’t know,” she finally says, her voice soft and quiet. I give her a smile and show her the notebook, covered in blue leather. If one didn’t know what it contains, they might think it’s a book. She takes a glance at it, and then another. A flicker of something, recognition maybe, flashes in her eyes. Then she nods. It is so fast I would’ve missed it if I wasn’t watching her.

She lets me lead the way to a solarium downstairs that has wide windows and a couple of comfortable armchairs for us to sit down, side by side. I resist the urge to make a comment about my backache and open the notebook on the first page. “Well, where did we leave off? Oh, right. I know. It was the night of the carnival. Toni was there with her friends Leah and Fatin.”

“Toni?”

“Yes. One of our protagonists. That’s where they met,” I tell her quietly, making it our little secret, my heart beating fast inside my chest. She seems to be considering it for a moment, her eyes distant again, and then nods to herself, leaning back.

If that name speaks to her, then maybe today will be my lucky day.

It was the year 1940, right after graduation – one of those evenings the sun sets late and the humidity in the air can be felt even through the heat. Toni is trying hard not to complain about it while weaving through the noisy crowd in an attempt to find Leah.

Her friend is by one of the fair games, winning the smallest plush animal and mumbling something about how those things are rigged. It makes her giggle, the way she hates losing, even if it’s a children’s game she was playing. She’s sure her high school years would’ve been horrible without Leah Rilke by her side.

A smile appears on her face when they make eye contact. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“My dad has friends over, and they made me play cards with them until three in the morning the last time I stayed, so I’d rather be here.” Leah nods, and Toni follows her to the bumper cars, where Fatin seems to be having trouble breathing with how much she’s laughing. She claps when Leah raises the toy she has won for her, happier than before. But another person is who catches her attention, one that has the most charming smile Toni has ever seen. “Who’s that girl with Fatin?”

“Her name is Shelby Goodkind – she’s spending the summer here with her family,” Leah explains, both of them leaning on the fence surrounding the attraction. “Her father has more money than everyone living in this town together. I’d say that even more than the Jadmani family. But, anyways, they have known each other since they were kids, so you’re probably going to see her around a lot.”

There’s something about her that’s mesmerizing. Toni can’t look away from her blonde hair falling in waves down her back or her eyes, squinted when she laughs, throwing her head back. For a second, all the lights at the fair focus on her, illuminating her as if she were the center of the universe and everything else were just a black spot that doesn't deserve to share her colors. Or perhaps it's just Toni's imagination.

Leah chuckles by her side, but Toni doesn’t even want to pretend that she’s not already planning a wedding with this woman in her head. For now, it would be nice to find an empty car so she could join the fun and get closer to her, but all of them are being used, so she has to wait for her moment.

When the game is over and the other girls join them, Toni doesn’t hesitate to make herself seen, standing in front of that stranger that has stolen every bit of air from her lungs. “You want to dance with me?” Toni asks, looking into her gorgeous green eyes.

Shelby blinks, startled, but then she gets serious and shakes her head. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

Toni shoves her hands inside the pockets of her pants and bites her bottom lip, searching for what she could say to convince her that it would be a good idea to get to know each other. Or doing anything together, really. But just as she’s about to answer, some guy she’s sure she has seen at school before stands next to her and says, “she’s with us, Toni,” as if that would make her back away.

Then his friend Andrew appears with cotton candy that he hands to Shelby and gives Toni a funny look before focusing on the new girl in town. How come he got the chance to meet her first?

Instead of fixing up the fence that evening, she should’ve gotten ready earlier to come here.

“Do you want to ride the Ferris wheel, Shelby?” He offers, running a hand through his perfectly cut hair.

Shelby responds with a nod and an “I’d love to”, glancing in Toni’s direction once as they start walking far from there.

Right then and there, Toni knows that it would be a waste of this woman’s summer if she’s spending it with those people. But part of her is sure that it won’t be the case, not after tonight. What gives it away is the way Shelby keeps making eye contact with her every chance she gets, even when she’s pretending to be fully engaged in whatever Andrew is telling her so enthusiastically.

Leah and Fatin are probably kissing somewhere by the hot dog stand like they always do, so Toni is left alone with her thoughts, watching the wheel go round and round. She’s sure she can hear Shelby’s laughter again, and she hates that she’s not the one making it happen.

So, it only takes her a few seconds to decide what to do when the seat she’s sharing with the rich boy arrives at the bottom, sprinting towards it and jumping over, making some space for herself between them.

“Have you lost your mind?!” Shelby shouts. Toni turns her back at Andrew so she can look directly at his ride partner. They are so close Toni can see her pupils widening and has to resist the impulse to let her eyes drop to her mouth. She’s sure she would be the happiest person on Earth if that face was the first thing she saw every morning.

“I’m Toni Shalifoe,” she responds, reaching out towards her. Shelby completely ignores her hand and keeps staring at her like she’s a monkey that escaped from the zoo and is now terrorizing the town.

“So?”

“So, it’s really nice to meet you.”

“What the hell are you doing, Shalifoe?” Andrew asks, but Toni doesn’t have time to pay him any attention right now, his voice sounding distant even though he’s basically pressed against her on the seat.

It’s uncomfortable, he should get down.

“I would like to take you out,” Toni tells the blonde girl. “Would you let me do that?”

“No!” She responds, at the same time Dot, the girl in charge of the wheel, screams something about the prohibition of three people sitting in one chair. Toni promises to pay her when she comes down, but Dot insists, so eventually she stops the wheel, and they are stuck at the top. She wouldn’t mind if they were alone, but with everyone whining about being trapped and Andrew irritated behind her, she gives up.

“Okay! Alright!” She stands up and jumps to hang on the Ferris wheel bars, a few feet above the ground. She tries not to think about it too much, or even look down, focusing on Shelby Goodkind and Shelby Goodkind only. “So, will you go out with me? I really want you to.”

“What? No!”

“No? Why not? Give me a good reason. Please.” Normally she wouldn’t be so persistent, no one has been worth the effort before, but there’s something about her that tells Toni she would regret it for the rest of her life if she didn’t at least try.

“Because I don’t want to. Now get down.”

“Okay, that’s a pretty good reason. But I still want to take you out. Just say yes and I’ll get down?” Toni’s hands start to hurt soon, but she keeps hanging on with both of them until her left one is numb and has to let go. Shelby follows every movement with her eyes, then searches around for something – help, or maybe a way to get out of there. Though she abandons the plan when she doesn’t find any of that.

“No!”

“Go out with her, Shelby!” She hears Fatin shouting from underneath them somewhere. “And get down before you kill yourself, Toni! What the hell are you thinking? Your father will have a heart attack if he finds out about this!”

Fatin is right, of course her father would have a heart failure if he knew about the situation she has gotten herself into, but at the same time, Toni knows that he would’ve done the same. Everything she knows about romance, she has learned from him and his poems. Because this is romantic. Right? Or is it just stupid? Damn, she should let it go and forget about this, even apologize to this woman before it stops being funny.

When she looks up at her right hand, already slick with sweat, Shelby finally sighs loudly and says “fine! I’ll go out with you.”

“What? I didn’t hear that.”

“I’ll go out with you!”

“I don’t want you to do me any favors, you know? I’m not forcing you to do something you don’t want to.”

“I want to!” Toni raises her brows. “I want to go out with you!”

“Say it again?”

“I want to go out with you!”

“Alright, alright, we’ll go out, you don’t have to insist.” Toni smirks, hanging on with both hands now. Shelby looks like she’s about to throw something at her head, and Andrew is just as shocked as everyone else, but Toni doesn’t know if it’s because of what she did or because of Shelby agreeing to a date right in front of his face.

“You think you’re really smart, don’t you?” Toni’s response comes out in a chuckle that dies down when Shelby sticks two fingers between her abdomen and pants and pulls at them to leave enough space so she can pour her drink inside, making it look like she peed herself. Toni hears everyone laughing, her cheeks getting hot while Shelby locks her arms at her front. “You’re not so cocky now, are you?”

“I’ll get you for that one.”

“We’ll see,” she says calmly, giving her a wide smile.

It’s only a few days later, when Toni is coming back from work, that they find each other again.

Until a moment ago, Toni didn't have an ounce of energy left in her body. After so many hours of work, all she wanted to do was lie down on the grass in her backyard and sleep until she was woken up by some neighbor's dog. But now that she sees her, it’s like her whole body has been electrified.

“Isn’t that the girl from the carnival?” Leah asks, but Toni is already sprinting to the sidewalk by the time she finishes the question, where Shelby is walking calmly. Her eyes are focused on the ground, so she doesn’t notice her until she reaches her side.

“Do you remember me?” Toni asks, matching her rhythm, keeping her lunch box close to her chest. Shelby looks in her direction and grins like she’s recalling something hilarious. She wishes her clothes weren’t so dirty, and she’s pretty sure that the tiredness she feels is reflected on her face, but that doesn’t seem to be the reason Shelby is hiding her laughter.

“How could I forget? Didn’t you wet your pants at the carnival?”

“Right.” Toni scratches at the back of her head. “About that, I actually wanted to clear it up with you ‘cause I’m really sorry about what happened. It was a really stupid thing to do, crawl up the Ferris wheel like that to talk to somebody,” she says, picking up the pace so she can stand in front of her. “Well, not just somebody. You. I wanted to be close to you. I felt drawn to you. Have you ever felt that with anyone? Like you’re two magnets that are supposed to be together?”

Shelby chuckles this time. “Jeez, what a line! Do you use that with every girl you meet?”

“No.”

“Sure,” Shelby declares, walking again past Toni, who hurries up to follow her. “I saw you the other night with that girl with the yellow dress. She looked very pleased to be around you. I bet you were having the same conversation we had at the carnival.”

Toni chooses to ignore that. The girl she was talking to a couple of nights ago didn’t even come close to Shelby Goodkind. Besides, it wasn’t even like that – she was just an old friend from school. If she knew that Shelby was around, she would’ve gotten all her attention.

“What are you doing tonight?”

“What?”

“Or tomorrow, or the day after. On the weekend? Whenever.”

“Why?” Shelby furrows her brows, fixing her hair as if it wasn’t already perfect.

“What do you mean why? Our date.”

“Which date?”

“The date you agreed to? You promised me the other day. In front of everyone, actually, so it would be very rude and embarrassing to reject me now, don’t you think? People would call you a liar, and the whole town would know. Rumors here are fast.”

“A girl can change her mind. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a car waiting for me. I have things to do, somewhere to be.”

“Listen, I know it’s weird that some random girl all covered in dust comes to you on the street to ask you out. I don’t know you; you don’t know me. But we could change that. And I could start by telling you that, if you gave me the chance, I would make you have the best summer of your life. Isn’t that why you’re here? To have a good time? Those guys you were hanging out with the other day are alright, but they don’t know how to live, and then, by the end of the summer, you’d regret not spending it some other way.”

“You’re good at this. I’m impressed.”

“You’re getting me wrong.”

“No, no. You’re fantastic,” she comments, the corners of her mouth rising slightly.

“I’m not,” Toni chuckles. “I’m not usually like this.”

“Yes, you are. It’s written all over your face. Besides, Fatin already told me everything about you. Who you are.”

“I can be anything you want. You just tell me what you want, and I’ll be that for you.”

“Okay, Toni,” Shelby says, a smile still on her face as she crosses the street towards the car that’s waiting for her. Toni watches after her for a moment and, when she turns around to look at her, she raises one finger. One date, that’s all she’s asking for. “You’ll have to get more creative if you want it,” Shelby states, which is enough to make Toni’s day a million times brighter.

Chapter Text

It’s been years since Shelby went to the movies.

In fact, she can barely recall the last time she’d seen one from beginning to end. But she remembers it as one of those experiences that could be part of her everyday life if she were someone else, if her lifestyle were different and her days weren’t already spoken for. Though, when Fatin suggested watching one with her girlfriend and her, she couldn’t say no.

Her parents are busy all the time lately and she barely knows anyone here, so every chance she gets to step out of their property, she’s going to take it. Not that she doesn’t enjoy laying on the hammocks in her backyard with Fatin, reading books or gossiping about people Shelby has never heard anything about before.

It’s already nighttime by the time they make it to the theater, and it’s not really crowded even though it’s a Saturday. She has been in town for about two weeks and she’s only now getting used to how things work here – the city is everything she has ever known, so this is all new to her. Hearing about her friend moving here with her family a few years ago was pleasant, she was happy to have someone to spend her time with.

Although meeting new people was never hard for her.

Andrew and his friends were kind enough, but it was her father who introduced them, and it wasn’t exactly the company she expected to surround herself with – the same one she’d have back at home. She wanted to meet people who grew up here, who’d teach her why this place was home to them, to see her surroundings through the eyes of someone who finds comfort in this place.

Leah Rilke is a great example of that type of person, and she’s walking towards them now, but she’s not alone.

Shelby grips Fatin’s sleeve and half whispers to her “what is she doing here?” before Leah and Toni reach them at the entrance. The taller woman has an apology written all over her face, but she doesn’t open her mouth to say anything else apart from a polite greeting.

All the calm Shelby felt on the way there vanishes. Now she shifts her weight from one leg to the other, unable to help herself when Toni looks at her. Something lights up on her face, perhaps relief, or even joy at seeing her, which makes Shelby's heart stumble.

“What a coincidence!” Fatin exclaims, raising her hands as if she’s really surprised and this wasn’t planned at all. “Shelby, you remember Toni, don’t you?” She adds, nudging Shelby forward so she’ll get closer to her before grabbing her girlfriend’s face to share a kiss far too bold for the public eye.

The brunette is staring at her with a shy smile that she didn’t see at the carnival the other day, or the time they ran into each other in town. She seems tired, but at the same time there’s some sort of brightness around her that gives off a contagious happy energy. “Hi. It’s nice to see you again,” Toni tells her then, her voice low and clear, holding out her hand.

Shelby shakes it, feeling the warmth of her calloused fingers. “You too.”

“You look great. Amazing, actually.”

“Oh, thanks.” She hasn’t let go of her hand yet, her grip firm and confident. Shelby doesn’t want to let go either and that realization makes her stomach twist into nods.

That first day, while riding the Ferris wheel with Andrew, she couldn't help but notice Toni, the way she looked back at her, as if some kind of pact was being formed between them. She had received attention before, but she had never received it like this. And, when she went to bed that night, she couldn't help but wonder how her day would have turned out if she had said yes to Toni and her invitation to dance.

“You both look great,” Leah tells them then, placing her arm around Toni’s shoulder for a brief moment. “But we should get inside now. I don’t want to miss the picture.” She doesn’t wait for them to keep up, so Toni holds the door for Shelby, and they walk in, following their friends from a distance.

Even though Leah said that she didn’t want to miss the movie, she has spent the first twenty minutes of it sharing kisses with Fatin in the seats next to her like they're the only ones in the room.

It’s not like the show is boring, but Shelby can feel Toni’s presence on the seats behind them, and that distracts her – makes the room get hotter somehow.

So, as she’s taking her jacket off, she can’t help but glance in her direction.

Toni takes her eyes off the screen and holds her gaze, trying to hide a smile, maybe because of how long it’s taking her to get rid of her coat. But it doesn’t last long because, a minute later, she’s climbing over the seats next to her and sitting down on the empty one beside her.

“They seem to be having a good time,” Toni whispers, tipping her chin toward Fatin and Leah, who are probably not aware of their surroundings anymore. Shelby nods and inclines the bag of popcorn in her direction so she can have a few, which she does.

“I’m starting to think that this is the only reason they wanted to come here.”

“They do this every week. At least now I don’t have to witness it by myself.” Toni giggles and takes more popcorn before leaning back on her seat. “Fatin usually doesn’t care, but Leah always makes me explain what happened in the movie once we get out, and part of me believes that she comes back to watch it for real when we’re not aware of what she’s doing.”

Shelby watches her, sitting there so nonchalant, before focusing on the show projected in front of them.

“Did you know that I was also invited tonight?”

“I did,” she mumbles, staring down at her hands for a moment. Then she raises her head and focuses on her. “I might have mentioned to Fatin the fact that I wanted to see you again and she said that she’d take care of it. I honestly thought that they would tell you about it. I promise I’m not going to insist on going out anymore.”

“Why not?”

“So I don’t make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Shelby declares, her eyes locked on Toni’s so she knows she’s telling the truth. Toni takes a deep breath and nods, her shoulders loosening at her words. Then they continue watching the film.

Until the brunette rests her arm on the armrest between their seats and she’s suddenly so close that Shelby is starting to feel overwhelmed. But, maybe for the first time in her life, that feeling doesn’t seem wrong.

Her classmates used to whisper about their dates constantly, about how they’d go to the movies with the boys and girls they liked and how they’d put their arms around them, ending up kissing halfway through the movie. Shelby always liked those stories, and she fantasized about doing it many times, but there was never anyone she really wanted to go with.

By the time the credits roll, she realizes she’s spent the whole picture working up the courage to reach for Toni’s hand — and missed her chance. She senses an odd twinge of disappointment at the thought that she might never have the chance again. But then Toni helps her put her jacket back on and the bad feeling disappears.

Why does this woman give her so much comfort with only her presence?

They barely know each other. In fact, most of the things she knows about her she has found out because of Fatin – that she lives with her father, she works at the lumberyard with Leah, she likes reading poetry, she broke her arm multiple times playing sports at school. These are not really facts that tell her the kind of person she is, so, when they leave the theater and Toni asks if she wants to walk with her, she sees it as the possibility to learn more.

“Are you two in love?” Leah calls after them, getting inside her car with Fatin. Shelby feels her face burning, and Toni chuckles in such a tender way that she has to glance in her direction to see the way she squints her eyes when she does. She has never thought that brown eyes could be so gorgeous.

Shelby runs towards them and gives Fatin a kiss goodbye on the cheek.

“Do exactly the sort of things I would do,” her friend tells her, winking at her when she gets away. She nods, and they both stand side by side to watch the car get lost in the distance before starting to walk in the opposite direction.

There’s only silence at the beginning, as if they are both wondering what the right thing to say would be, so Shelby decides to break it by making a comment about the movie being fun – at least the parts she paid attention to. “I feel like I haven’t seen one in forever.”

“Really?”

“Not since I was a little kid.”

“What?” Toni chuckles, like it’s the most insane thing she has said all night. “How is that possible?”

“No, I...I’m busy, you know? I don’t have time for these things.” Toni raises her brows, so she proceeds to explain. “I have a very strict schedule – I’ve always had one. My days are all planned out, I know exactly what I’m going to do every single one of them, so I never waste my time. I get up in the morning and make my bed, then I have breakfast, math tutor, Latin tutor, lunch, tennis lesson or dance lesson, sometimes both, piano lesson, dinner and then I spend some time with my family before going to bed. Sometimes I read a little bit if I can’t fall asleep.”

Toni has been studying her face since she started speaking, and now she seems to be impressed and mortified at the same time about what she just told her. Did she say too much? She might have said too much.

“Wow,” she finally lets out. “Isn’t your father, like, extremely rich, though? Don’t you have people making the bed for you in the morning?”

“Is that all you take from what I just said?”

“Don’t get me wrong, it all sounds like the road to success, but that’s an interesting fact.”

“Well, I like making my own bed. I think it’s a beautiful ritual, and it gives some sense of accomplishment first thing in the morning,” Shelby tells her. Isn’t it obvious? “Why? You don’t make your bed?”

“It’s a waste of time, Shelby,” Toni teases. She would’ve argued more about it, but the way Toni said her name shifted something in her, like it has never sounded so right before. “Anyways, tell me more about this planned life of yours. Which future is waiting for you?”

“Well, we’re applying for some great colleges. There are a few that we want and we’re waiting for some answers.”

“Who’s we?” Toni asks, genuinely curious about it, her brows raised again, waiting for an answer.

It takes her a moment to understand what she’s referring to, and then explains, “my family and I. We decide everything together.”

“Everything?” Toni raises her brows higher, making Shelby chuckle. There’s a small scar between them, right on the bridge of her nose, and she takes a mental note to ask about it sometime soon.

“No. Not everything. Only the important things.”

“And then everything else, you get to decide all by yourself?”

Shelby hits her arm with the back of her hand. “Don’t be rude!”

“I’m sorry. It’s just that you didn’t tell me what you do to have a great time. You’ve only told me about the stuff you have to do, not the one you want to do. I want to know about the things that move you. Who is Shelby Goodkind when no one is watching?”

“I just told you.”

“I honestly wasn’t expecting this.”

“What?”

“What you’re telling me,” Toni says, walking backwards so they can talk face to face. Shelby can’t help but constantly glance behind her to make sure she doesn’t bump into something and hurt herself. Though Toni doesn’t seem to mind. It’s like she thinks she’s immortal – even when she’s not doing anything, there’s a confidence in her body that makes it impossible to look away from her. “I had the feeling that you were...”

“That I was what?” Shelby inquires when she doesn’t finish her sentence.

“Free.”

“I am free.”

“You don’t seem like it.”

“Well, I am,” she exclaims, stopping from walking when Toni does. They stare at each other for a moment, challenging each other, and then Toni turns around without another word and goes to the middle of the road, as if that was her plan all along and they have just gotten to their destination. “What on earth are you doing?”

“Come here, I want to show you something.”

“I know you have this desire to do crazy things all the time, but I’m not planning on getting myself ran over by a car tonight, Toni Shalifoe.”

“Oh, I know. That would mess up your life agenda,” Toni teases again. “Come here – there’s not a single car around us.” Shelby takes a few steps towards her and, when Toni considers that she’s close enough, she lays down and looks up at the traffic lights. Shelby is glad that every store on each side of the road is closed and no one is witnessing this nonsense. “My dad and I used to come out here, lay down and watch the lights change. Watch them go from green to red to yellow. You could try, if you wanted to.”

There’s not a single time she imagined she’d find herself in this situation, watching this girl with her arms wide open on the floor in the middle of the street, talking about colors and inviting her to do the same. She shakes her head multiple times, but Toni doesn’t pay attention until she verbalizes it. “No.”

“Why not? Why do you say no to everything?”

“Because...I don’t know. Why don’t you get up so we can continue our walk? It’s getting cold.”

“That’s your problem, you know? You don’t do what you want. I can see that you’re tempted to come down here and experience this with me, but you keep forbidding yourself to do things.” Shelby doesn’t know where this all comes from – she can’t possibly read her this well after one real conversation.

She clicks her tongue and looks around one more time before she has the chance to regret this, and then lowers herself next to her on the pavement. Toni doesn’t move her arm from behind her head, she just beams when she glances at her and turns her gaze to the sky as soon as she returns it. Her hands are kind of sweaty now, maybe because of the thought of a car coming out of nowhere, not seeing them there. So, she has to take her mind away from all of that.

“Painting. And singing.”

“Hmm?”

“You asked me what I do for me, who I am when no one is watching,” Shelby comments, softly. “I like painting and singing. But I only do those things when I’m alone. Those are the things that make the world go quiet, that make all these intense thoughts in my head vanish. That’s when I feel free the most.”

Toni takes a deep breath.

Maybe she understands what she means, maybe finally she has found someone that doesn’t need extra explanation.

A car horn makes her heart stop beating for the longest second and she has to get up quickly before she can delve deeper into the matter. Toni follows her closely, her hand on her waist for a brief moment.

The person driving shouts something about them being foolish kids. She should be scared – she was almost run over. But the truth is that she has never felt as alive as she does now, and that thought makes her laugh so hard that she has to cover her mouth to stop herself from being too loud and waking up the neighbors.

That’s until she sees Toni’s horrified expression, which makes a new wave of laughter appear.

“Are you okay?” She asks, her eyes shining, but it’s clear that she wants to laugh, too. “Why are you laughing?” She chuckles, in spite of herself, walking towards her. Both of them lean on a wall covered in old posters, catching their breath after the scare. But then Toni extends a hand in her direction and asks, “do you want to dance with me?”, the way she did at the carnival. And, this time, Shelby can’t bring herself to refuse.

“Sure.” Her hand is still warm as she guides her back to the middle of the street. Shelby places her free one on her shoulder, and Toni does the same with her waist. “We don’t have any music, Toni.”

“Music can be made everywhere,” she declares, humming some melody Shelby doesn’t recognize at first, while they swing from side to side.

Right at this moment, she feels like they are the only people on Earth.

“You sound terrible,” Shelby whispers, making Toni giggle, but never stop from moving.

“You should do it then. You’re the singer.” Toni raises her hand from her waist to her back, keeping her close. Shelby begins humming a song she has spent multiple nights listening to, alone in her room, her piano probably already sick of it. Her dance partner seems to enjoy it though, so Shelby rests her head over her shoulder, and they keep dancing for what seems to be an eternity.

She would love to welcome a new day like this, let the sun rise above them, while their cheeks are pressed together and they’re breathing the same air, but eventually they get apart, instantly missing the feel of Toni’s heart beating against hers.

“I think I could listen to you for the rest of my life and never get bored,” Toni mentions as they resume their walk, standing closer to each other than before.

“Do you really not say such sweet things to every girl you hang out with?”

“I’m offended.” She places a hand over her chest, seemingly hurt. So, Shelby takes it and kisses the back of it before intertwining their fingers. “I know this was not me being creative like you wanted, and that we weren’t the ones who planned the date, if we can call it that, but after tonight I don’t want to hang out with any other girl.”

Shelby searches for something on her face that tells her that what she just said was a joke, but she doesn’t find it. It’s sincere, a confession really.

“Me neither,” she responds, gaining a wide grin in return.

Toni walks her home then, a promise made between the two of them, and Shelby knows that she has found something she didn’t know she was looking for. Even the trees around her summer residency seem to stay still for the first time, as if nothing disturbs them anymore, the wind long forgotten.

There are no lights on at the front of the house, so she doesn’t worry about her parents listening to them as they say goodbye. And, just as Toni turns around to leave her porch, she grabs her hand and pulls her in for a kiss, holding her face between her hands, making sure that she can take this all in before it’s over, before she has to go up to her room.

Alone.

“Have a good night, Shelby. I’ll come back for you tomorrow,” Toni says when they pull apart, not without leaving another fast peck on her cheek.

“I’ll be waiting.”

Chapter Text

There was a promise Toni had made to Shelby on the first day they met, and she was determined to keep it: she would give her the best summer of her life. That didn't mean they didn't fight or that they spent every single day fully together, but even if they only had five minutes to see each other, they made the most of it.

I could feel her shifting on her seat during the past few pages, now engaged with the story, but it’s not until she talks that I search for her eyes.

There are empty plates on the table between us, our breakfast finished long ago, and she has to wait for the person who’s cleaning it up to leave the room before speaking.

“They fell in love, didn’t they?” The excitement in her voice makes me smile, it disarms me in the way it has done since we met. That spark that appears in her eyes when I nod is the reason I’m doing this.

“Yes. They did.”

“Good. I like these kinds of stories. Go on, I want to know more,” she comments, a grin appearing on her face for the first time that morning. Now it's as if we've been friends forever, as if we're sharing something that has always been in our lives and we got so used to it that we forgot to appreciate it more.

The fact that she's the one asking me to tell her more makes my heart skip a beat and then settle back into place so I can continue. “Well, that first kiss made it all change. They became inseparable after that – spent every waking hour together. And they never got tired of doing so.”

Toni kept her promise and picked her up the next day at her house. She was scared that she would run into her parents, and she’d have to explain who she was and why she was going out with their daughter so late in the afternoon – the sun would set in about three hours, so they didn’t have much time. For the day she would meet them, she would have to make sure to wear her best clothes.

But, luckily, they weren’t there.

Shelby must’ve heard her truck’s engine because she doesn’t even have the chance to get down before she opens the door and steps outside. Toni takes a few steps towards her, trying to read her before making any move, but then Shelby quickly makes her way towards her and places her arms around her neck.

“I thought you’d never come,” she murmurs, looking directly into her eyes.

“I’m not a liar, Shelby Goodkind.”

“Where are you taking me?” She asks then, as if Toni isn’t aching for another kiss. It was the last thought she had before falling asleep and the first one when she woke up that morning. But there’s a part of her that wants to let Shelby mark the pace of their relationship, so she just glances at her mouth for a second before focusing back on the green around her pupils.

“That’s a surprise. You’ll just have to trust me.”

“Okay,” she concludes, not moving away yet. Toni wets her lips, in an attempt of catching her attention or sending her a message, which she must understand because her hand drifts to the back of Toni’s neck, lingering for a heartbeat before pulling her in, their lips meeting softly. It’s tender, their lips pressed against each other, still at first, until Shelby opens her mouth slightly and she takes it as a cue to intensify it.

Toni caresses her sides while Shelby does the same with her hair, and it’s so clear that none of them wants to pull apart that they just press their foreheads together when they are out of breath and stay there for hours – or maybe just a minute. Toni had always believed that feeling butterflies in your stomach was just a fantasy someone without a better metaphor made up, but right now there must be a whole swarm down there. Not that bees and butterflies are the same, but Toni has liked bees better since she can remember.

When they get back in the truck, Shelby takes her hand and places it over her leg, and Toni doesn’t dare move it away for more than a couple of seconds when she shifts gear.

“I’ve been thinking about what we talked about last night.”

“We talked about a lot of things.”

“Painting. I miss doing it more than I thought. I think I was so busy focusing on other stuff that I forgot about everything that makes me happy. I do that sometimes, I distract myself from the things I love so I don’t feel guilty for not dedicating time to them,” Shelby comments, moving her hands around.

Toni glances at her for a moment before paying attention to the country road they are driving through. There is no one around, especially at that time of day, when it is still hot enough that people don't want to leave their homes. The dirt under the wheels is so dry that it kicks up dust every time the car turns.

“I know a place out of town that has art supplies. I could take you there to get everything you need this weekend.”

“Would you do that?”

“Of course. I’m dying to see one of your paintings. I have the feeling that you’re good, but I want proof anyways.”

Shelby’s face lights up with a wide, satisfied grin, and Toni can’t help but mirror the expression before parking the truck between two old trees that have been there since before her grandfather was a kid, their roots attached to the earth like they have sworn to never let go. Shelby seems torn between amazed and confused, so she encourages her to get down and walks her through a well-worn path towards the lake, her heart full of pride.

There’s a boat she left there last week, hidden behind bushes, so she carefully helps Shelby get in before following her and grabbing the oars.

“Is this yours?” Shelby caresses the side of the boat, looking down at the water. It takes her a while to decide, but then she finally puts her hand in it and feels the small waves that form when they move.

Toni nods. “We have had it since I was very young. I’ve always been obsessed with water – the sea, lakes, rivers, you name it. I learned where the best views are by taking this out there every other week, so I know exactly where I want to take you.”

“Is this what your life looks like all the time?”

“What do you mean?” Toni furrows her brows, dipping the wooden oars in the lake with a steady rhythm. She catches Shelby glancing at her arms a couple of times, and she has to hide a smile – she could tease her about it later.

“Boat rides and dancing in the middle of the street at night? So careless.”

Toni chuckles. “Kind of. Yes. I also work every morning, so I try to make the best of it every moment I have to myself. Life is too short not to enjoy it, Shelby. I don’t want to be old and regret the things I never got to do because I couldn’t or didn’t know how to make time for them.”

“I feel like you judge me when you make those types of comments.”

“Not at all. I try to judge myself in anticipation of the future, so I don’t make as many mistakes. Your life is yours to live, I would never tell you what to do and how to make it what you desire.” Toni stops the boat in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nature, the sun slowly making its way down the sky. The air feels different out here, fresher. “As long as you are content with it, everyone else’s opinion doesn’t matter.”

The oars are left hanging on the sides, and Toni moves closer to Shelby, who’s now nodding to herself as if confirming something she has been thinking about for a long time. That’s until she realizes where they have arrived – the weeping willows, the light, the sound of the wind rustling the leaves. Everything is quiet, still, and Toni knows what Shelby must be thinking – that this is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.

Toni has the same thought, but not referring to their surroundings.

She moves slightly on her seat so she can take Shelby’s hand and kiss the back of it, watching her face turn red.

“I can see why you like coming here so often.”

“There are periods of time when this whole space is crowded with geese and swans. It’s something out of this world, one of those things that humans have to be really lucky to experience because maybe such beauty isn’t made for our eyes. I hope you’ll get the chance to see it one day.”

“I’d love that.”

Toni gets the bag with fruit she has packed for the occasion and lets Shelby choose one –a pear– while she picks up an apple and they eat in silence while looking at the sky.

Their conversation never stops, and they get to know each other better and discover that there are a lot of differences between them, but at the same time they seem to have the same type of soul.

When the sun begins to set, Shelby doesn’t let go of her hand and they watch its light reflected on the water until it disappears almost completely. Then, Toni decides to drive Shelby back home before it gets too late and her parents start to worry – Shelby told her that they’ve always been protective over her, so she doesn’t want to give a bad impression even before meeting them.

The quick pecks she leaves on her lips before getting down from the car will not be enough for Toni until they see each other again, but she doesn’t comment on it, parked in front of her house. But, as she opens the door, something falls to the ground and she has to bend over to pick it up, disappearing from Toni’s sight behind the now closed door.

“What’s this?” She shows Toni a wood figurine of an animal that she carved a few days ago while waiting for Leah to get ready for a bowling night – that woman overthinks even the socks she’s going to wear, so it usually takes her a while.

“A rabbit.”

“Did you make it?” Shelby inspects it with a smile, making Toni’s chest grow bigger and bigger with each passing second. When her green eyes are locked on hers again, she nods. “Could you make one for me?”

“I will, whichever animal you want. I’ll learn how to make it just for you.”

“A bird. And a cat. Or an elephant. God, I don’t know which one to choose.”

Toni giggles.

“Alright. I’ll make them all.” Shelby’s smile becomes a wide grin as she walks around the front of the car to her window. Toni puts her head out so she can kiss her again and, when Shelby hands her the rabbit, she says, “keep it. It’ll be safer with you.”

“See you tomorrow?” Shelby asks, holding the wooden animal in her hand against her chest, like she’s trying to protect it with her life. Toni nods once more, grabbing and softly squeezing her face in her hand so she can kiss her lips again.

“See you tomorrow,” she confirms before watching Shelby walk away.

She doesn’t leave until she’s sure she’s safe inside.

That night, her father spends hours listening to her talk about Shelby, the woman who has thrown her off balance in a way no one else ever had. He seems delighted by her happiness and mentions how eager he is to meet her, causing an image of the three of them to form in Toni's mind.

She never loved anything as simple as meeting someone new – someone she hoped would stay in her life for a long time. Yet with Shelby it is different, it isn’t a passing connection that she’d forget over time, and she doesn’t want it to be.

Chapter Text

If someone would’ve told Shelby that this was the way she’d be spending her summer, she wouldn’t have believed them.

It’s so easy to be around Toni, to go wherever she wants to take her – like the art store she promised to visit. She didn’t forget about it. In fact, every time she made a promise of some kind, she kept it.

The trust they build over the next two weeks brings them a lot closer.

Toni works most days at the lumberyard and usually gets home tired, but Shelby has initiated a tradition of going there sometimes so they can walk together on her way back to the house. It’s Toni’s favorite moment of the day, or at least that’s what she said, when she sees her arrive on her bike and run to give her a kiss that seems as if they haven’t seen each other in years. Sometimes she even clings to her like a koala and makes all her colleagues laugh.

The first time she went, Toni had just finished a bird made of wood during one of her breaks. And, a few days later, she also carved her a cat and an elephant that was not so well done as the others, but that she loved the most, keeping them all on the desk in her room so she could think about Toni every time she saw them.

Not that she wasn’t thinking about her the rest of the time.

That afternoon, Toni picks her up at her house again. She chose a yellow summer dress to wear, and Toni seems to approve of her choice by the way she’s looking at her when she walks down the stairs to meet her. Shelby thanks her when she opens the car door for her and it’s not until they’ve left her driveway that she comments, “could you wear that dress for the rest of the summer?” to which Shelby laughs.

“Wouldn’t that be gross? Or am I supposed to wash it and wait for it to dry every time I meet you?”

“I don’t know. You could figure it out. You’re a smart woman.”

Her hand rests on her leg a few seconds later, but this time it feels different from all the others. There is a certain warmth in the air around them that becomes suffocating as the minutes pass. Shelby is sure she has never felt this desire before, the desire for Toni to be more forward for once and move her hand up, so her whole palm could touch the skin of her thigh and not just her fingertips, playing with the bottom of her dress while her eyes are fixed on the road, unaware of Shelby’s heart wanting to get out of her chest.

“You’re quiet,” she comments, eventually. Maybe she is aware of the effect she has over her.

“You should teach me how to drive.”

“What?” Toni chuckles, glancing at her. When she realizes that she’s not joking, her face turns serious. “Okay. I can do that.”

The conversation revolves around that subject for the rest of the ride. Shelby tries to ignore the sensation at the bottom of her stomach until they get to their destination – one of Toni’s friends, Rachel, plays for the town’s baseball team and they came to see them play. Fatin and Leah meet them there and the four of them sit down on the bleachers together.

Before it starts, Shelby buys a little paper sack of salted peanuts for herself, caramel popcorn for Toni, and a pair of glass bottles of soda, pulled from a chest packed with ice, which her girlfriend pops open. She watches Toni drink but has to look somewhere else when she catches her eyes, amused by the sudden attention.

It gets crowded quickly around them so, while they finish their snacks, they get pressed together more and more on their seats until Toni’s arm settles around her, low at her back, caressing the side of her leg with a slow rhythm. And, again, she seems unaware of the things she makes her feel with that gesture.

Every crack of the bat makes people around them clap and cheer and even Shelby gives into the emotion and does the same. Toni only takes her hands off her once to clap the loudest when Rachel hits a home run. But then she immediately goes back to her previous position, pulling her even closer. Sometimes it feels like Toni is proud to be with her, especially when they walk around town hand in hand. Which is new – no one had ever enjoyed her presence like that before.

Shelby leans into her side and Toni kisses her temple.

“Are you having fun?” She squeezes softly at her side, making her hold her breath for a moment. Then she looks into Toni’s eyes and nods. Her own eyes travel down towards her mouth, and that makes Toni stare at her more intensely. “You’re so beautiful, Bee” she whispers then, leaning over to steal a quick kiss, barely noticeable.

The grin that appears on Shelby’s face must look very dumb from the outside, but the comfort she feels can’t be shown any other way. She leans closer into Toni and draws circles with her index finger on her free palm, focusing back on the game. Most of the time she spends there, Shelby doesn't know the score, but being right in that time and space is everything she could’ve wished for.

The sky turns pink and, by the time the match is over, it’s almost dark outside.

They meet Rachel and have dinner together – they won, so she’s happier than the other times they have hung out, a side of her that Shelby really likes. She went to school with Toni and Leah, so they know each other well, but they didn’t become friends until their senior year, when Rachel’s twin sister, Nora, forced them to spend time together.

After that, when they say goodbye and get separated in the parking lot, Toni takes her home, but parks the car down the road, where no one can see them. The street is empty, dimly lit by yellow lights.

“What happened today?”

“What do you mean? Why’d you stop here?”

“You’ve been real quiet since I picked you up, and I don’t know if I did something to bother you or if something else happened.” Toni offers her hand for her to take, but Shelby ignores it and leans over to kiss her, resulting in Toni’s hand falling on her lower back. She presses her against the door and grabs a hold of her shirt while she searches for her tongue. When they find each other, they both let out a series of moans and hums that make Shelby ache for more, so she climbs over her. “God, Shelby.”

“Kiss me,” she tells her, though it sounds more like a beg than a demand. Toni does, from her mouth to her neck and back to her mouth, where she bites at her bottom lip, sucking it in between her teeth. Shelby’s hips start rocking back and forth without her being able to avoid it and this time Toni doesn’t hesitate to lower her hand down her back and hold her tight.

If her mother could see her right now, she’d have a heart attack.

“Shelby,” Toni sighs, grabbing her sides to pull her closer. She’s breathing hard, they both are, but Shelby doesn’t want this to end. She wants her to come to her room with her, lay beside her in bed under the sheets.

Though she knows she shouldn’t be doing this if nothing else will happen. Because it can’t happen. Not right now. Not like this – here.

“I should go,” she declares then, climbing back to her seat and fixing her hair in the rearview mirror. But she doesn’t have too much time for that before Toni makes her come closer again so she can kiss her one more time.

“Don’t go.”

“I have to.”

“I really want you to stay.”

“I know, baby. I want to stay, too, but my parents are going to kill me if I go home late. Again,” she comments, reminding Toni of last week, when they had a picnic with Leah and Fatin – they returned to the house so late her father was waiting for her in the living room like a ghost waiting for someone he could torment. She got away from that one quickly, but she doesn’t know how much patience he has left. Though, surprisingly, it’s her mother who gets more upset when she’s out with Toni all day, even though they haven’t met yet.

Well, maybe that’s the problem.

The brunette pouts and groans, and Shelby presses her lips against hers one more time before she starts the car and drives her to the front door. She even smacks her butt before she gets down, making Shelby laugh as she runs towards her house.

Toni always waits for her to get inside, so she blows a kiss for her right before entering.

For the next couple of days, Toni has too much work to hang out, so Shelby spends that time painting. She didn’t realize how much she had missed it until she bought that first paintbrush and held it in her hand.

Life made sense again and her mind was finally quiet, only the music playing on her turntable filled it with a comforting sound while she covered the white canvas in shades of blue.

By the time her new piece is dry, it’s already nighttime. She could wait until the next day, but she hadn’t seen Toni in a while and there’s nothing she desires more right now than being with her, feeling her arms around her.

So, she wraps the painting in a towel and runs downstairs.

“I’m going out!” Her parents look up from their readings, asking her a question without opening their mouths. There’s concern in their eyes, and a bit of judgement. If she were in the city, she wouldn’t dare go out alone so late. “I promise I won’t stay too long.”

“Do you want me to drive you?” Her father asks. Shelby shakes her head.

“I’ll take my bike. It’ll be nice to get some fresh air – I’ve been in my room all day.”

“Are you sure? You’re not going far, are you?”

“I’ll be okay, daddy. I know my way around.” He nods, but Shelby can see her mother’s uncertainty. She kisses both of their cheeks and runs outside before they change their minds and make her stay. Though she realizes how cold it has gotten and has to return inside and put on a sweater. “Bye, again!”

The ride to the other side of town is not that long and she actually runs into a few people she knows because of her new friends, who greet her like she’s part of this place, like she belongs and she’s been here her whole life. It makes a knot form in her stomach, but she has to suppress it before it turns into something bigger. There’s no time to think about the future and the conversations she has had with her parents this last week regarding it. Living in this fantasy for now is all she needs – she’ll worry about everything else later, when there will be no coming back.

Toni is sitting on her porch with a book in her hand, and she seems to be reading from it out loud when she arrives. So, she leans her bike against a tree and listens for a few seconds.

But it’s the man next to her who notices her first, one that looks exactly like her girlfriend – his hair curls slightly, streaked with a few threads of gray, but still unmistakably dark. The resemblance makes her chest tighten, though his warm, easy smile loosens it again, letting her breathe. Of course he’d be here, she realizes, though it only now occurs to her that they’ve never actually met.

Maybe showing up without warning wasn’t the best introduction.

It's too late now.

“Hey, look, we have a visitor,” he comments, standing up, one finger pointed at her.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.” Shelby meets them at the top of the stairs, the painting hidden at her back. Toni’s face is red now, and Shelby’s sure it’s the first time she’d seen her so flustered, but they only have time to share a smile before her father speaks again.

“Don’t apologize, darling. We could use a little something around here besides the smell of lumber. God, I feel like I haven’t seen a new face in forever. What a wonderful night it is.”

Toni takes a nervous step towards her. “Dad, this is Shelby Goodkind.”

“Glad to meet you, Shelby.” He reaches out and Shelby shakes his hand firmly.

“Pleased to meet you, Mr. Shalifoe.”

“Oh, God, no. Am I old or something? I just started my life,” he comments. “Call me Marcus, or even Marc if you want. Now come on and have a seat here with us.” Shelby does as he commands and sits on the chair where Toni had been a moment before. “So, Shelby, huh? She is pretty, Toni. She’s a lot prettier than you let on.”

“Oh, is that right?” Shelby asks Toni, who tries to hide her face behind her book for a few seconds before looking back at her.

“Of course not. Don’t believe what he says.”

But Marcus is already laughing again.

Until he sees the thing Shelby is trying to hide, and grabs it carefully from her hands when she hands it to him. “I brought you something, actually. That’s the whole reason I came here without a warning.” She gives Toni an apologetic look, but the brunette has a wide grin on her face that erases most of Shelby’s worries. The calm she usually feels when they are together, she can sense it here, too. Or maybe it’s just Toni who has that effect of transforming every place she’s in into something better, brighter.

“Okay. Let me see, let’s have a look.” He takes off the towel that covers it and stares at her art for a bit before asking if she made it. When she tells him yes, she shows it to Toni, whose smile grows bigger. She tried her best to capture the sea with its rough waves and deserted beach on a summer afternoon as the sun began to set. They have been talking about going there for a few days, but they haven't carried out that plan yet. “This is so beautiful, Shelby. I know just where we can put this. Thank you.”

Toni caresses her back, so she turns around to face her.

“That was a lovely poem. What was it?”

“Well...” she starts, but her father interrupts her, to which Toni gives him an annoyed look.

“That was Emily Dickinson. See, when she was a little kid, she used to stutter real bad. You couldn’t understand a damn thing of what she said, so I got her to read poetry out loud. It wasn’t very pretty at first, but then her stutter went away. We tried many poets –I like Walt Whitman– but she always comes back to Dickinson, for some reason.”

“Well, it’s a good idea that poetry,” Shelby comments, smiling at the way Toni is holding back her laughter now. “I’d like to hear more sometime. You have a really nice voice.”

“See, Toni? Someone appreciates my work. Now tell me, Shelby. How would you like some breakfast?”

“Breakfast?”

“Yeah. That’s exactly what I said.”

“It must be around ten o’clock, dad,” Toni tells him, but he waves his hands in the air like he wants to prevent her words from attacking him.

“Who cares? You can have pancakes at any time you want. I’ll go prepare some and I want to see you both at the table.”

Toni raises her shoulders when Shelby gives her a questioning look, but then she agrees with Marcus and promises to be there. And, when he enters the house, Toni leans over and has a taste of her lips.

“I’m sorry about that. He doesn’t know when to shut up. I can’t believe he just did that.”

“He seems amazing.” Toni smiles and grabs her hand so she’d follow her to the porch swing. Shelby sits down on one side and Toni lays down, placing her head over her legs, which she finds incredibly tender. This way she can caress her face with one hand, while the brunette takes the other to interlock their fingers. “What was the poem about?”

Toni wets her lips and lets out a chuckle before speaking.

“It's about the transition from darkness to light, that moment when you realize that the things that were troubling you a moment ago are no longer so important. Darkness is fleeting. In fact, it's almost ridiculous once light shines on it. Well, at least that's how I understand it.”

“Do you believe that? That once the night is over and a new day begins, the bad disappears? That things are not as important as we think?”

“I wish life was that simple. But I do want to think that the problems we might have now, in the future they will be solved, insignificant even. Or that the next day can bring some hopefulness over everything.” Toni gives her a soft smile. “I wasn’t always like this. There used to be darkness around me. I used to be angry and sad all the time. Hope was not a part of my vocabulary.”

“What changed?”

“I don’t know. Something in me got so tired of fighting that I gave up on being like that. I tried my best to see the good stuff. It’s not always easy, but it helps when you have light around you.” Shelby caresses her cheek, her forehead and her hair, then back to her cheek. Toni doesn’t take her eyes off her for one second. “You’ve been my light lately,” she whispers eventually.

“That’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever told me, Toni.”

Sometimes, when she lay in bed without an ounce of sleep, she fantasized that one day someone would make her feel special. But then her head told her that was impossible, that romanticizing life like that was unrealistic. At no point during the car ride to this town did she think she would find what she longed for so much here.

There are no words that can describe how happy she has felt these last few weeks. Maybe someday she will find a poem that expresses it, that she can read to the woman in front of her so that she understands what is in her heart.

They stay in silence for a while, listening to the crickets chirp.

Until Marcus calls them inside and Shelby has to follow Toni to the kitchen, where the pancakes are placed one over the other on a plate in the middle of the table. The three of them take a seat and Toni serves everyone a few pieces. There’s also syrup and milk, which Shelby finds amusing for some reason. She doesn’t remember ever having breakfast for dinner.

That night, she feels so welcomed at their house that it becomes hard to leave. Marcus even tells her that she could stay, but she knows her parents would go mad if she did that, so she listens to his stories and he listens to hers, and then says goodbye, promising to come back soon. He even packs a few pancakes for her so she can have some more in the morning.

Toni insists on taking her home, not wanting her to walk around so late, alone.

And Shelby almost says it, what she feels deep inside her bones, what she hasn’t told anyone, but she doesn’t. She keeps it to herself a little longer, not ready to share it just yet.

“Shelby?” Toni asks quietly when she’s about to get out of the car.

“Mhm?”

“Here.” She hands her a book, the one she has been reading before. Shelby hadn’t noticed that she took it with her, but it was in the pocket of her jacket this whole time. She runs her finger over the name Emily Dickinson written on the cover and then searches for Toni’s eyes.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. I want you to have it.”