Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Alex looked at the gacha reaction room with a forlorn smile.

It was something he’d been proud of at the time, and they loved it dearly, but he’s evolved as a writer and has more inspiration now, so he pulls out a shiny big red button.

‘REBOOT’.

With a smirk, he clicks it, and the chaos begins once more.

Veronica Sawyer is just trying to get through the day on 1^st September 1989, when a blinding light appears, and she’s yanked to another dimension.

Well, at least she’s not at school, right?

And then she spots the Heathers.

‘Great. Just fucking incredible. I’m stuck in a room with the goddamn Heathers.’

They’re arguing amongst each other rapidly- well, more like Chandler is ripping Duke a new one, somehow blaming her for this, even if it wasn’t her fault.

“God fucking damnit Heather, what did you do?” The mythic bitch seethes, glaring at the green clad girl withering under her scrutiny.

‘Well, I’ll just….not…interfere here.’  Veronica thinks, before spotting more people popping into the room with the same blinding light that took her.

“What the actual fuck?” Yells a girl with pin straight blonde hair, flanked by a curly-haired brunette and another blonde with a smile that makes her seem like she’s not quite fully there.

A ginger in safari gear pops up next, and she’s looking in awe at everything around her, before spotting Veronica staring and waving excitedly.

Not really knowing what to do, Veronica waves back, and the girl takes that as a cue to run over to her.

“Hi! Oh my god this is so cool! Where are we? Matter of fact, who are you? My name’s Cady, Cady Heron!” The newly introduced Cady gushes, shaking Veronica’s hand enthusiastically.

“Uh, Nice to meet you, I guess? I’m Veronica Sawyer.” The brunette starts, before continuing with, “I don’t even know where we are, but I just got teleported here, so…” Veronica shrugs.

“That is AWESOME!!!” Cady looks thrilled, which doesn’t seem like the obvious response to being kidnapped into another dimension, but from the way she acts, Veronica assumes she doesn’t… go out much, which- no judging! She isn’t exactly social either, so she can’t judge.

While she’s talking to Cady, across the room, many more people, and…non-people are transported in.

Most are panicking, but some look surprisingly happy to be…literally kidnapped.

Wierdos. Everywhere.

Suddenly, a loud clap distracts them all from their conversations, and a bespectacled being with a scruffy mop of charcoal black hair that reaches his shoulders, and a bright smile on his face.

“Well, hello there everyone.” They chirp. “The name’s Alex. I’m the one who brought you here.”

A cacophony of arguments and quite a few curses greeted him, and he has the gall to look hurt and clutch his chest in mock-offense.

“You’re here because all of you are from various fictional media, meaning yes, none of you are real.” Alex pauses for a second, before adding “Well, I mean. Technically the six queens are, cuz they’re based on real people, but these versions of them aren’t real- Whatever.” The entity adjusted their glasses and smiled again. “Ok so, the one thing all of you have in common is the fact that your fictional media is musical in nature.”

“Wait. Waitwaitwait!” Damian grins widely, “We’re a musical? That’s awesome!”

Janis pulls him down by the ear, “Dude, are you seriously trusting this shifty ass kidnapper?”

Alex sighs, before saying, “Ok, just trust me- you’ll see. For now, just introduce yourselves, guys.”

When nobody moved, Wammawink pulls her herd forwards, and horse trails behind them reluctantly.

“Hi everyone!!” She beams, “My name’s Wammawink, and this is my herd: Zulius, Ched and Glendale. We have another member, Durpleton, but he isn’t here for some reason.” (the reason is because I don’t like him :3)

Horse exhales through her nose sharply, before saying “Horse. The name’s Horse.”

“Ok so is nobody going to question what the actual fuck these things are?” Duke says what literally everyone else was thinking, and most in the room nod their agreement with her.

She preens a little at the fact that almost everyone here is on her side for once, even if it is for something as trivial as a question.

“Oh, we’re centaurs, from Centaurworld! I’m a llamataur, which means I’m part-llama, part-human!” Wammawink explains patiently, without missing a beat.

“Centaurworld…?” Regina rolls her eyes, “Maybe the kidnapper was telling the truth about this all being fictional.”

“And that one’s just…a talking horse?” Gretchen points at Horse, who glares at her until she looks away.

“Eh, not as unusual as you’d think.” Sunset shrugs, gesturing to Princess Twilight, who waved a hoof at them.

“Nice to meet you all!” The Princess began, “My name’s Twilight Sparkle, and I’m the princess of friendship.”

Chandler scoffs, “You’re the what now?”

“The princess of friendship.” Twilight repeats, before she turns to Sunset with a smile.

“Sunset shimmer.” The fiery-haired girl smirks, clearly not taking anyone in this room seriously, even though some of the others were laughing at the name.

“Heather Chandler.” The red-clad teen offers, before pointing at the other two next to her and saying, “That one’s Duke, that one’s McNamara.”

“McNamara’s an… interesting name…” Gretchen giggles, like she doesn’t mean it at all- which she doesn’t.

The yellow-clothed girl’s smile dropped, and she turns to the brunette with a slight frown, her voice turning serious.

 “My name’s Heather. All three of us are called Heather, that’s why Heather-” She points to the other blonde in her group and continued “-Introduced us by our surnames. Our clique is called ‘The Heathers’ because of that.”

Gretchen nods in understanding, looking a tad bit bruised from the sharp tone McNamara’s voice had taken when addressing her.

“A-Ah. Ok. Um, I’m Gretchen, by the way. Gretchen Wieners.” She desperately attempts to try and regain her composure.

Chandler snorts, “Unfortunate name, truly.”

Regina looks livid at the slight against Gretchen, going after the blonde with, “Hey Elmo, who the fuck do you think you are? You’re so damn unoriginal you share your name with 2 other people.”

Gretchen’s smile is back, and she looks at the blonde in awe, eyes practically glittering.

“Oh fuck off, barbie. I’ve already introduced myself, so who the hell are you?” Chandler retorts hotly, moving closer to Regina, trying to intimidate her.

The other blonde just looks nonplussed and rolls her eyes. “Regina George. Wish I could say it’s nice to meet you, but I’ve seen plenty of traffic lights in my life, and I’m hoping to ignore you like the rest of them.”

“Woah, woah, woah… kids, calm down.”  Catherine of Aragon tries to stop them, but all that succeeds in doing is earning her a death stare from both queen bees.

She puts up her hands in surrender and goes back to the other six queens, saying “Oh, I’m Catherine, by the way.”

“My name’s Jane.” Seymour smiles as she introduces herself.

“Anne!” The second Queen pipes up, grinning.

“Anna.” Says Anna of Cleves, accentuating the ‘A’ at the end, to ensure that everyone knew the difference.

“Katherine, with a ‘K’! But just call me Kathy, honestly.” Kathy does a double piece sign and flashes a dazzling smile.

“Also Catherine. But my surname’s Parr, so you can just call me that.” Parr runs a hand through the puff of hair on the left of her head, wearing a light smile.

“Oh my god, you guys could walk around like the traffic light girls and call yourself ‘the Catherines’!” Karen quips with a sunny smile, not meaning for it to sound as rude as it does.

Regina and Gretchen crack up at the unintentional joke, and the fact that the head Heather is turning as red as her clothes.

Matilda walks up to the queens as they’re turning away from the mocking laughter, and whispers, “Are you guys the six wives of Henry VIII? The names sound kind of familiar.”

Catherine beams, clearly happy to be recognised, and says “Yeah, that’s us. Who are you, kid?”

The young girl offers a small smile and an outstretched hand for the queen to shake. “Matilda Wormwood. Nice to meet you.”

The woman behind her looks wonderstruck at the queens and their presence and immediately rushes to introduce herself as well. “Uh- Hello! I’m Jenny.”

The queens seem glad to see another adult in the room and invite the teacher to sit with them.

Cady decides now is a good time to introduce herself to the room, “Uh, Hi!” She waves enthusiastically, “I’m Cady Heron, nice to meet you all!”

Since Veronica is right next to her, she sighs and introduces herself too, “Veronica. Sawyer. Nice to meet you guys, I guess.”

Elphaba and Galinda are next, with Galinda smiling cheerily, and saying “I am Galinda Upland of the Upper-Uplands, charmed to meet you all!”

Elphaba rolls her eyes and offers her name with a “Hey. Uh. I’m Elphaba. Elphaba Thropp.”

“Why are you green?” Karen asks, before Gretchen puts a hand over her mouth, and chastises, “Oh my god, Karen. You can’t just ask people why they’re green.”

Elphaba adjusts her glasses slightly awkwardly and says “It’s fine. I was born like this.”

The mysterious figure in the hoodie hasn’t introduced herself, and neither have the three girls in the flashy outfits with multicoloured hair.

“I’m Janis, and this is Damian.” Janis states bluntly, not going any further with it. “And I can’t be the only person who thinks those three are fucking shifty.” She points towards the trio in the corner, indeed looking shifty.

Suddenly, the one with the long purple braid grabs a sword out of nowhere and lunges for Alex, who merely tuts and dodges. “Woah, woah, woah. Calm down lady. No violence allowed here.”

“What the actual hell, you demon!” The pink haired one roars, before the entity rolls up his hoodie’s sleeves and says, “Not a demon, don’t worry!! Just a friendly cosmic entity!” he grins in a not at all shifty way, and says “You guys should probably introduce yourselves, before people think you’re more suspicious than they already do!”

“I’m Rumi, leader and main vocalist of the K-pop girl group HUNTR/X”

“Tch. The name’s Mira. I’m the main dancer and choreographer.”

“Hiii!!! I’m Zoey, nice to meet all of you!!! I’m the lyricist and rapper of HUNTR/X!!!”

“Well, that’s about everyone.” Alex claps his hands with a smirk, ignoring the figure in the hoodie who hadn’t spoken once. “Oh wait, there’s three more we need!” He clicks his fingers, and 3 more figures enter the room.

“Introduce yourselves, girls!”

Courtney starts to panic, “Hey, what the heck? Where are we?”

“I kidnapped you, you’re gonna react to the others and your future, blah blah blah…” Alex rolls his eyes, gesturing around him, “Now, y’all need to introduce yourselves.”

“Courtney Satella.” Is all Courtney says, folding her arms and looking at everyone else in suspicion.

“Gwen Ingrid, uh. Nice to meet ya, I guess.” She rubs the back of her head awkwardly.

“Heather. Kasuga.” Heather turns away with a sneer, and Janis cackles like a maniac.

“Another Heather? Oh, this is too good!”  She gets out through her laughs, and the Heathers (including Kasuga) all glare at her.

“Let’s begin, shall we?” Alex smiles, and disappears, leaving the others to settle down in the room in anticipation.

Chapter Text

“Miracle.”

Cast list:

Matilda: Gabrielle Gutierez

Mrs Wormwood: Cassie Silva

Mr Wormwood: Quinn Mattfield.

“So it’s literally a musical.” Regina comments, peering down at the kid.

 She’s watching the screen with rapt attention, a smile on her face.

“No shit sherlock.” Chandler rolls her eyes at the other queen bee, still not over the insult trading they did last chapter.

The screen shows a stage. There’s a table on it that says ‘birthday’, with a cake with lit candles on it. In front of it, there are glowing blocks suspended in midair. They spell out ‘Matilda’.

“Wait, is the musical literally called ‘Matilda’?” Janis asks, and Alex answers from another room: “Well, I mean, it’s called ‘Matilda the musical’, so like…yeah, kinda.”

“Does that mean I’m the protagonist?” Matilda looks incredibly happy at this development, eyes bright with childlike wonder.

“Yep!” The entity replies.

“Great. We’re watching a musical about some 4-year-old brat.” Duke rolls her eyes.

“I’m 6, actually.” The kid corrects, and Chandler snickers at Duke’s slightly embarrassed face as she turns away. McNamara offers her a sympathetic smile, and the green-clad girl returns it almost imperceptibly, moving closer to her.

“Technically, as a character, Matilda is one of the oldest here. The true eldest are actually Galinda and Elphaba. They’ve been around as characters- though not quite in this form yet- since the year 1900, with Matilda being written 88 years later.” Alex infodumped cutely, before dipping out.

Matilda looks awestruck, and some of the others in the room are staring at her in shock.

The lettered blocks are slowly lifted out of sight as music plays in the background, and a spotlight appears and starts moving around, until eventually a little girl pops out from behind the table.

“Woah, jumpscare!” Regina snarks, and Karen and Gretchen crack a smile at that.

Princess Twilight looks really annoyed at the girls, to be honest, but she can’t really do much about it because magic is banned in the room, and she doesn’t want to start a fight.

 She notices the figure in the corner, who is still yet to put her hood down, and eyes them suspiciously.

“My mummy says I'm a miracle” She then smashes the cake in her face and ducks back under the table.

“I love cake!” Glendale squeals, “Wammawink, can we please have some gigglecakes? We’ve been trapped here for ages.”

“Sorry Glendale, but Mr kidnapper-guy banned magic.” Wammawink side-eyes the control room where Alex is as she says this.

“Nooo…Why would they waste perfectly good cake like that…???” Zoey looks incredibly sad, and Mira comforts her with a hand on her shoulder and reassures her that “Kids are little bitches. They waste everything.”

“Woah, Hey!” Cathy chastises, “There’s a kid in this room! Watch your language!”

“Fuck off, golden girl.” Regina flips the finger at the queen- although she doesn’t know she’s a queen because she’s amer*can.

“My daddy says I'm his special little guy” A new boy pops up, holding some balloons and grinning, before another girl pops the balloon and pushes him over. The boy yelps “Ow!” as he falls.

Duke feels bad for the kid, knowing his pain.

“Jesus, kids are jerks.” Janis breathes.

“And their voices are annoying as hell.” Chandler adds, frowning deeply.

“I am a princess” she holds up a teddy bear.

“Lemme guess, one of the other brats will destroy the teddy?” Sunset snorted.

“And I am a prince” the boy rips off the teddy’s head savagely.

“Called it.” Sunset smirks at Twilight, who just scoffs at her.

“That poor teddy...” Karen looks away, and Gretchen pats her shoulder comfortingly as Regina rolls her eyes at the display.

All of the other kids pop back up, squabbling over the teddy bear before it’s tossed backwards. “Mum says I'm an angel sent down from the sky”

Anne smirks, “I’m sure she does.”

Kathy giggles, and so do some others.

“So what, they did all that and then just threw the teddy?” Veronica looks appalled.

Three kids pop up from behind the table and do the army salute as they sing.

“My daddy says I'm his special little soldier,

No one is as handsome, strong as me!”

The one in the middle gestures for the other two to drop back down so he’s the only one in the spotlight.

“It's true he indulges my tendency to bulge!” He grabs the cake closer to himself.

“Fatass.” Chandler mutters, and Cady looks at her confusedly.

“Is that a bad thing?” She quietly asks Veronica, who responds with: “Well, not necessarily, but ‘popular’ people like them think it is.”

Cady smiles and nods her thanks, before looking back at the screen.

“But I'm his little soldier!” Two more boys crawl out from under the table so they’re in front of it, then they hop onto it and lie down in the foetal position.

Hup, 2-4-3!”

[AMANDA, HORTENSIA]
“My mummy says I'm a miracle!” The girls are back, and they lean on the boys on the table and pose like they’re looking in a mirror, before pushing them down in the opposite direction and singing:
“One look at my face, and it's plain to see!”

“What’s plain to see is how damn spoiled these brats are.” Heather snarks, and Gwen and Courtney just look at her, unimpressed, until she turns away.

“Damn, girl got silenced.” Damian whispered to Janis, smirking.

She smirks back, “You know I love to see bitches get humbled!”

“Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord,
It’s been clear there’s no peer for a miracle like me!” The girls both put one of their legs on the table and lean over it in a ballet stance.

“Oh what, they just all have superiority complexes?” Janis asks incredulously. “ That’s messed, man.”

“What I wanna know is where the fuck these parents who glaze their kids are!” Heather exclaims, “Like, mine put me through electroshock therapy, and these bastards get ‘oh sweetie, you’re a miracle’?”

Court sends Gwen a look™ and the goth shrugs listlessly.

A few of the others are looking at the teenage girl in shock (haha) and horror.

Two of the boys are back, making fist fighting motions while the girls continue their weird table gymnastics.

“No seriously, what the hell’s with this choreo?” Mira asks, “What are they doing?”

“It’s a musical, pinkie, it doesn’t have to make sense.” Chandler rolls her eyes, while both Sunset and Twilight muffle a laugh at the unintended reference.

“Something funny, twinkle sprinkle, or whatever the fuck your name was?” The red-clad girl sneers at the pony princess, who just waves her off with a hoof, “Ah, you- you wouldn’t get it.”

“My daddy says I'm his special little soldier!”

No one is as bold or tough as me!” The boys also each put a leg on the table.

“Has my daddy told you?”

“One day when I'm older!” The kids go back underneath the table as the one on the left of the stage makes a gun motion.

“I can be a soldier!”

“And shoot you in the face!”

“Wow, that’s reassuring for the future of our nation.” Veronica rolls her eyes, and Duke snickers, before being silenced by a glare from Chandler.

“They’re British, kid. It’s not your nation, it’s ours.” Kathy smirks at the teen.

“Sucks for you then.” The brunette shrugs, and the queens giggle a little.

The table with the kids moves backwards and a man in brightly coloured clothes with a bunch of balloons and a briefcase comes forward.

“I’ve never actually had a party with friends…” Cady tells Veronica, “It seems so fun!!”

“Poor you! That is so sad!” Karen moved closer to Cady with a smile, gesturing for Gretchen and Regina to join her, which they did- reluctantly.

The ginger seems really happy for the interaction, whilst Veronica looks reproachful at the group who seem far too similar to the Heathers to be any good.

“One can hardly move for beauty and brilliance these days!”

“It seems that there are millions of these one-in-a-millions!”

These days!” The man sits on his suitcase as balloons pop behind him.

“Yeah, seriously, they’re not special.” Regina rolls her eyes.

“Blame the parents.” Veronica replies, not looking at her.

“Special-ness seems de rigueur!”

“Above average is average—go figure!”

“Is it some modern miracle of calculus?” The kids come out from under the table and crawl towards the entertainer.

“That such frequent miracles don't render each one un-
Miraculous.”


“My mummy says I'm a miracle!” The kids swarm the entertainer while singing, clinging to him.

“Jesus…” Mira says, “What the hell, poor guy.”

“Where’s Matilda though?” Karen asks, “Like, I thought this was her musical.”

“I guess she’ll show up later.” Gretchen shrugs.

“One look at my face, and it's plain to see!” The children stretch out the balloons away from them and go across the stage.

“Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord!”

“It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!”

They all gather together and carry one girl, who begins singing:

“My mummy says I'm a precious barrelina!”

“‘Barrelina’ is wild.” Janis snickers.

“Hey, what the hay?” Twilight frowns, “That’s awful.”

“Bitch did you just say ‘what the hay’-?” Chandler snarks.

“Her voice is so sharp…” Rumi rubs her temples.

“She has never seen a prettier barrelina!”

“She says that if I'm keen, I have to cut down on the cream!”

“But I'm a barrelina, so give me more cake!”

“Oh my god, an obese child!” Cady squeals, excitement filling her tone.

You can’t blame her really, she’s only ever seen starving kids in Africa.

The others don’t know that, obviously, so they stare at her with various levels of amusement and judgement, with Regina letting out a snide laugh.

A pair of parents appear from under the table. “Take another photo of our angel in that costume that I made
The role of tree has never been portrayed with such
Convincing sway!”

“And there’s the doting parents.” Janis rolls her eyes.

Sunset makes a gagging motion, and the princess swats the back of her head with a wing.

“Grogar’s soggy ballsack-” The fiery-haired girl pushes the wing away with a growl.

Wammawink looks at the parents longingly, tinged with regret and memories she’d prefer to forget.

Zulius offers a hand on her shoulder in comfort, and the llamataur gives him a thankful look.

“That's right, honey, look at mummy!”


“Don't put honey on your brother!”


“Smile for mummy; smile for mother!”


“I think she blinked!”


“Well, take another!”

“God this is absolutely insufferable.” Regina scoffs, pulling out a compact mirror and checking her makeup with a completely ‘done’ expression.

“Have you seen his school report?
He got a 'C' on his report!”


“What?!”

“We'll have to change his school
His teacher's clearly falling short”

“Probably not the teacher.” Duke scoffs, and Courtney lets out a huff of agreement.

“God, Shut up Heather- nobody asked you.” Chandler exclaims, exasperated with the green-clad girl.

The brunette cocks her head to the side, narrowing her eyes at the blonde, before looking at Duke and patting the spot besides herself, inviting her to sit there.

Duke’s eyes widen minutely, and she looks from the red-clad girl to Courtney, and mouths ‘I can’t.’ To the brunette, before turning away.

Courtney’s frown deepens, and she nudges Gwen, whispering something in her ear, something along the lines of ‘I despise bullies.’

“She's just delightful


So hilarious and Insightful.”


“Might she be a little brighter than the norm?
I know to boys it's frightful form!” The parents all rush forwards and the table splits and gets dragged off stage.

[All CHILDREN & PARENTS]
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face, and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!
My mummy says I'm a miracle. The kids start doing a weird looking choreo with their parents, as they take pictures and smile widely.
That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a mirror ball.
You can be all cynical, but it's a truth empirical.
There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle as me!

“I mean, if I’m being honest, I do vibe with this chorus.” Zoey sways slightly back and forth, and Damien agrees, grinning wildly as he bounces to the rhythm.

Heather, Courtney and Gwen simultaneously eyeroll.

A green hospital thingy is dragged across the stage and the doctor appears.
[DOCTOR, spoken]
A baby, Mrs. Wormwood, a child, the most
Precious gift the natural world can
Bestow upon us has been handed to you.

“I have to agree! Babies are so cute and precious and you just wanna hug them and tell em it’s all gonna be ok and never ever leave them alone or be mean to them or die in a war-“

Wammawink cuts herself off.

The silence is deafening.

Matilda breaks it hesitantly with a whisper. “That’s my mum.”

A Brand new human being, a life, a person
A wonderful new person is about to come
Into your life and bring you love and
Magic and happiness and wonder!

“And annoyance.” Regina snarks.

“And sleepless nights.” Duke adds.

“And-”

“Can you guys shut the actual hay up, sweet celestia you’re so annoying.” Princess Twilight interrupts, flaring her wings out to try and be more authoritative.

But since she was literally tiny (most mlp fans agree that the ponies are like 3ft tall) the commenters just snickered and ignored her.

[MRS. WORMWOOD]
Oh! Bloody 'ell!

“Right charmer, your mum is.” Anne rolls her eyes, tone dripping with sarcasm.

Matilda doesn’t try to defend her.

There’s nothing to defend, really.

[DOCTOR]
Every life I bring into this world restores my faith in humankind.

[MIDWIFE, spoken]
Push Mrs. Wormwood, push!

[MRS. WORMWOOD, spoken]
I'll push you in a minute!

“That’s so impolite…” Galinda comments, a hand over her mouth.

“But funny as shit though!” Chandler counters, a smirk pulling her lips back.

[DOCTOR]
“Each new-born life, a canvas yet unpainted...
This still unbroken skin...” The doctor grabs and puts on some sunglasses, wiggling his stethoscope around his neck like one of those feather boa things.
This uncorrupted mind...”

“What the actual fuck is this quack doing?” Mira asks, confusion all over her face. “I get that this is theatre but jesus…”
“Every life is unbelievably unlikely” He now starts using it as a microphone, singing like he’s Michael Jackson or some shit.
“The chances of existence
Almost infinitely small
The most common thing in life is life”

(baby cries)

[DOCTOR]
“And yet every single life
Every new life is a miracle! Miracle!”

*Cough* “Hitler” *Cough* says Veronica, and many turn to her, aghast that she’d mention him in this context.

 [MRS. WORMWOOD, spoken]
“This is the worst day of my life!”

Anne shuffles closer to Matilda, as Jenny offers her a sympathetic look.

“Matilda, your mother seems…” The teacher begins, but the girl cuts her off with “Yes, she’s quite hateful. I’m used to it though, you needn’t worry.”

The adults in the room exchange worried glances.

(sung)
“Oh, my undercarriage doesn't feel quite normal
My skin looks just revolting in this foul fluorescent light
And this gown is nothing like the semi-formal, semi-Spanish gown I should be wearing in the semi-finals tonight
I should be dancing the tarantella
Qui mon fella Italiano!”

“No, you should be fucking happy that you have a kid.” Janis retorts indignantly, “God fuckin’ knows you clearly don’t deserve one.”
Not dressed in hospital cotton
With a smarting front bottom
And this horrible...”

[DOCTOR]
Miracle!

[MRS. WORMWOOD]
“Smelly little—

[DOCTOR]
Miracle!

[MRS. WORMWOOD]
“Weakly little ball of fat!”

“Give her a break, lady! She’s only been alive for like 5 seconds!” Elphaba exclaims, familiar with being shunned since birth.

Galinda gives her a curious look.

[MR. WORMWOOD]
“What the hell was that?”

“Is that-”

“My father, yes.” Matilda answers before the question was fully spoken out.

[MRS. WORMWOOD]
“Will someone give this thing a bottle?”

“Oh hell no.” Damien speaks sharply, “She did not just call you a ‘thing’! That’s your damn child you selfish bitch!”

[MR. WORMWOOD]
Or swap it for a later model?

[MR. WORMWOOD & MRS. WORMWOOD]
“Why do bad things always happen to good people?”

Heather scoffs, “I hardly think you count as ‘good people’, but believe what you want, I guess.”

“Fine upstanding citizens like you and me?
Why when we've done nothing wrong
Should this disaster come along?
This horrible, weird looking...”

Matilda shrinks into herself slightly at each scathing word, and the six queens and Jenny all try to offer comfort in some form.

[MRS. WORMWOOD]
“Hairy little stinky thing”

[MR. WORMWOOD]
“With no sign of a winky-ding at all!”

“Did he just say winky-ding?” Duke says, disbelievingly.

“Yeah. It’s horrible.” Gretchen agrees, shaking slightly.

[DOCTOR]
Miracle, miracle, a miracle; every life's a miracle
Beautiful miracle I have ever seen...

[MR. WORMWOOD]
“I can't find his frank and beans...”

“Oh my god JUST SAY COCK!” Chandler yells, “It’s NOT THAT DIFFICULT and CLEARLY you don’t care about your kid at ALL so WHY BOTHER WITH CENSORING IN THE FIRST PLACE???”

“Woah there red, it’s probably because it’s a musical…made for kids.” Regina smirks, pointing this out with a mocking tone.

[DOCTOR]
Every life is unbelievably unlikely
The chances of existence, almost infinitely small
The most common thing in life is life
And yet every single life, every new life is a miracle!
Miracle! Miracle!

“At least the doctor’s still trying to convince these bastards…” Veronica mutters.

[CHILDREN]
“My mummy says I'm a miracle!”

“Oh not these brats again!” Mira groans, dragging her hands down her face.

“One look at my face, and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!
My mummy says I'm a miracle
That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a mirror ball
You can be all cynical, but it's a truth empirical
There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle as ...”

Matilda walks forward solemnly.

“Oh! Here you are!” Glendale comments, turning to the young girl with her eyes wide.

“I can’t wait to hear her sing!” Zulius whispers to Wammawink, “I bet she has the voice of an angel!”

[MATILDA]
“My mummy says I'm a lousy little worm
My daddy says I'm a bore.”

Everyone in the room bristles at the words she’s singing, with more than one openly frowning.

“My mummy says I'm a jumped-up little germ
That kids like me should be against the law”
“My daddy says I should learn to shut my pie-hole
No one likes a smart-mouthed girl like me.”
“Mum says I'm a good case for population control.”

“Ok that’s just fucked.” Regina looks appalled. “The rest is kinda reasonable but telling your own kid you wish they were dead is just next level douche behaviour.”

A bunch of others, nearly everyone, agrees, with the exception of Janis because no way in hell was she going to agree with Regina of all people, even if she was right this time.

“Dad says I should watch more TV.”

The room is left in silence, with everyone looking at least a bit concerned for the child in their midst.