Chapter Text
I watch as the flame in my desk candle flickers, and I think of you. You always said that when the flame seemed to dance instead of just burning, that it was because someone was using it to communicate with me. You used to say that if you ever left, that's how you'd keep talking to me.
So, I hold you to that. I don't know what you're saying back, but whenever the flame starts its dance I open my mouth and don't shut it until the dance ends or I have to sleep. This time I decided to write you a letter, I'm too tired to use my voice tonight.
"You are more than your parents' child. You are better than them, better than me even. You are full of life, but I know this home feels like a war, and you are a stranger to this suffering; so I will make it my life's goal to save you from this pointless fight." You used to tell me that every time I would come running to you after Mother had used her hands, instead of her words, to make her stance known.
I haven't seen Mother since her court date — something the legal system did right this time around. The last time I was in court was when they placed you with us; I had been too young to understand it yet. I remember waking up everyday thinking that my new friend would be leaving soon because sleepovers were never that long.
I remember when the second year passed and Father handed you the adoption paperwork as a birthday present. I still didn't understand, but when you told me that it meant you weren't going to leave, I was the happiest I'd ever been. It's still one of my favorite memories, because it's from when we were still untainted by war, and when Mother and Father were still good to us— and to each other.
The flame has stopped dancing, and therefore that means this letter has also come to an end. I wish I could find you, but every time I try something crazy happens in my life, so I guess this is all I'll ever get. 언니 보고 싶어
"Zo, babes, dinners ready. Rumi called out a few minutes ago, I even texted you." I turn away from the door, quickly wiping at my eyes—because I don't want either of them to see how I am after talking to her—before I turn back with a small smile.
"Okay! Give me like ten minutes max. Thank you for coming to get me, I was totally zoned into my writing." I end off with a laugh for good measure, but Mira still squints in suspicion. She watches me for a few long seconds before she seems to decide I'm okay right now and she can question me later. I watch as she walks away, and then I borderline sprint to splash water on my face and wipe away any trace of my previously red eyes.
I take a second to get my breath under control before I start the walk from my room to the kitchen. I make it a point to slow down my pace because I know the little hint of anxiety in my chest will make me more "all over the place" than I usually am. I walk into the kitchen to be met with one of my favorite sights—Mira with her arms around Rumi, chin on her shoulder, while Rumi plates dinner. Rumi has a soft grin playing on her lips, likely due to whatever Mira is whispering into her ear. I can't help but stop in the doorway to watch in silence, because my girls looks so beautiful together; they always do.
"Zoey, baby, stop lingering and come over here, pretty girl." The way Rumi's voice husks tells me she either just woke up, or Mira wasn't saying something sweet. I realize I've been standing still staring for too long when Mira starts moving to let go of Rumi.
I don't think I can do this right now. They're so happy, and all I can think about is you, eonni.
"Uhm, I'm not feeling too well guys. I think I'm just gonna go lay down, if that's okay." Mira and Rumi are both in front of me within seconds, the back of Rumi's hand pressed to my forehead and paired with a crease between her eyes. "Guys guys, I'm fine. I'm not sick. I think it's just a mental fog."
"You sure you don't want to eat first, Zo?" I shake my head, making sure to give them a small smile before I start to step backwards. I can feel my heart rate picking up again, and I need to get out of here before I start breaking down.
"Yeah, I'm not really hungry right now. I'll be in my room if you guys want to come curl up with me later." Mira reaches for my hand, pressing a gentle kiss to each of my knuckles, and I pretend that I don't notice how wet my eyes get as my gaze locks with hers.
"Zoey," I snap my head to Rumi, and I watch the gentle glow of lavender that trails across her body, "I love you, my girl." I pull my hand back faster and with more force than I intended, but I'm too focused on getting out of the room to pay it much mind.
"Uh, yeah, I love you too. I'm going to, yeah." And with that embarrassment of a response I'm down the hall, wiping hard at the tears that I can't seem to stop. I close my door quickly, and silently—some habits never die.
I can't bother to force myself to my bed, even if it's only three feet away, so I resort to sliding down the wall and lock my head between my knees. I twist my fingers into my hair—another old habit—to ground myself. Usually I adore when my girls call me their girl; but all I hear today is Misa's voice, back when we were in high school and anytime I did well in a competition or got a good grade and she would she say "That's my girl! Look at you go!"
I haven't thought about Misa this much, or this hard, in years. Not since I first joined Huntrix and wished everyday that she could see what I've accomplished. I would give anything to hear the pride in her voice as she brags about me to her friends, or when she would pick me up and swing me around until we both were hunched over in laughter.
I don't know how long I sit with my hair pulled taught between my fingers, or my head locked between me knees, or how long I had tears falling to the carpet beneath me; apparently long enough for Rumi to eat and take a shower, and she takes long showers. "Baby, my love, can I touch you?"
My head is nodding before I've even fully processed what she asked, and then her hands are gently taking mine from my head, and holding them between us. I hadn't even heard Mira come in—maybe she came in whenever Rumi did and I didn't notice because I couldn't see her past the curtain Rumi's hair had made around us—but then she's speaking in that soft tone she almost never uses. "Zo, baby, can you look at us please?"
My reaction isn't as fast as when Rumi was talking to me, but I still lift my head—although slowly—to meet their eyes. Their gazes are soft and full of care, but I can't help but feel bad for worrying them. "There she is. Zoey, what's going on? What can we do?" I feel the words start to creep up my throat, but I push them down with a shake of my head. They've seen Misa in some pictures, but I've never told them anything outside of she's family. They don't know our parents went through every one of my devices and tore apart my room when they found out we were still in contact after she moved out. They don't know that I never heard the name Zoey after she left, because the school board was threatened to hell and back until they made sure no one ever called me that, not even my friends.
"I can't. I just, you don't know anything. And I can't do that to you guys. I just can't." Mira's hand grabs my face, gentle but with a stiffness that told me she wasn't taking that for an answer. "I just, I don't know, I just miss my sister."
The silence is deafening, Rumi's hand tense around mine for a fraction of a second, and Mira shoulders rise up at least two inches and don't come back down. "You have a sister?" Rumi's hands tense with every word she speaks.
"Yeah, yeah I have a sister. You guys have seen her in pictures. But I never told you much about her." I start to curl back into my self but Mira slides next to me and forces my head onto her shoulder and Rumi starts pressing gentle kisses into my palm. They're both tense, but they're apparently not mad enough to shut me out—which I wasn't prepared for.
"It's the girl with all the piercings isn't it? I thought you lingered on pictures of her a little long." I let out a snort, because if that's a little long then she should see the way I stare at the flame in my candle every night.
"Yeah. That's Misa. I haven't talked to her since I was 15."
"Zoey. That was, I mean, that was years ago. What happened?"
I smile, not the happy kind, but that sad kind people get when they think about the passage of time. "Yeah it's been almost 8 years. She moved out and we weren't able to stay in contact and I haven't been able to find her since I turned 18." Mira's shoulders drop back down—and my head goes with them.
"Why didn't you tell us sooner? And especially why not after we said no more secrets?" I knew the question was coming, I mean, I'm the one that brought the original conversation up after the idol awards. The only issue is I don't know why I haven't told them. Maybe it's just another example of me trying to avoid inconveniencing people, and I know that this of all things could be a huge inconvenience.
"I don't know. I think I was scared, I don't know what I was scared of, but I was." Rumi pushes my knees down and apart, crawling between them to wrap her arms under mine so her body is flush with mine and her hands can grip my shoulders. Her lips press gently into my temple, and Mira's fingers tangle with hers on my shoulder.
"It's okay. We're upset, but it's okay right now because we get it. You not telling us is an issue we can fix later, for now, you should get some rest. okay?" As Rumi talks Mira's hand stops flexing in hers, and start threading through the hair at the back of my neck. She gently pulls my head up from her shoulder and presses a kiss to the corner of my mouth.
"Okay. Rest sounds good. Are you guys staying with me?"
"Of course we are Zo. There's no reason for us not to."