Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Nick was driving home from the bar after one of his late night shifts. He was looking forward to going home to his usual nightly routine.

Nick always went into his son Ben’s room first when he came home. Ben always woke up in the middle of the night and could never get back to sleep until Nick checked his room for monsters. Nick would check under his bed with a flashlight and open the closet door, pushing Ben’s clothes to the side to show him it was empty. Then he would put a chair in front of the door to barricade it since everyone knows the sneakiest monsters can open closet doors. Ben would breathe a deep sigh of relief and Nick would kiss his forehead as Ben drifted back to sleep.

After making sure Ben was fast asleep, Nick would go into his daughter Charlie’s room. He would kiss her forehead and tuck her back into bed since she always kicked off her covers when she slept. He would pick up any stuffed animals that fell on her bedroom floor during the night and tuck them back into bed next to her since she told him they got lonely on the ground all by themselves.

Afterwards he would change into his pajamas so he could cuddle up next to Jess for a few hours before she had to get up to go to work. He liked hearing the sleepy, happy sounds she made when he spooned her against him and nuzzled her neck, realizing he was home.

These warm thoughts of his family were the last thing running through Nick’s mind when the driver’s side of his car got T-boned at an intersection by a drunk driver running a red light.

He never saw it coming.

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One minute he was driving home from the bar and the next minute everything was just dark.

‘Maybe I drank too much at the bar,’ Nick thinks to himself. But he knows he hasn’t done that since Ben was born and he would never drive home drunk.

He keeps trying to wake up and he doesn’t know why he can’t open his eyes. It’s like his mind is no longer attached to his body. He can’t feel his arms and legs. It feels like he is floating in the middle of a pitch-black ocean.

---

He has lost all sense of time but eventually he sees a bright white pinpoint of light at the end of a long tunnel. The light illuminates the vague shape of his body and brings it back into focus for him. He hears a voice calling to him from the other end of the tunnel. It kind of sounds like his dad.

“Walk towards the light, Nicky.”

He doesn’t want to though. He keeps looking back into the darkness trying to find Jess and the kids.

“You can’t go back, Nicky,” the voice says to him.

“I can’t go yet,” he tells the voice. “I was supposed to go home to see them. I have to stay here.”

He walks in the opposite direction from the light back into the inky abyss.

---

He finds himself transported to a hospital room.

He’s looking at himself in a hospital bed. Or at least he thinks it’s him. It’s hard to tell because the man in the hospital bed is in really bad shape. His entire body is wrapped in a plaster cast and his face is a mangle of bruises rendering it almost unrecognizable. He has a neck brace on and they’ve intubated him; it doesn’t look like he can breathe on his own.

He can see Jess sitting by his bedside holding his hand.

Doctors in their neat white lab coats come in to talk to her.

DOA. Dead on Arrival. They tell her. He was ten minutes from home.

Jess held his hand as the monitors beeped behind her. The doctors said the machines were keeping him alive but he was already brain dead when paramedics arrived on the scene. She stares blankly at them. Her mind hears the words but they don’t make sense to her. She can still remember him from this morning. Flipping pancakes in the kitchen and catching them in the pan because it made the kids laugh when he missed. Hugging the kids to him before they ran to catch the bus to school. Sneaking up to hug her from behind when she was getting dressed. Kissing her and telling her he loved her before she went off to work. How can a man so full of life just a few short hours ago be dead?

Winston and Schmidt and Cece enter the room.

“We have to decide what to do, Jess,” Cece says to her gently.

Jess holds his hand but it is cold and lifeless. She looks at the body in the bed and knows it will never put its arms around her in a loving embrace. She looks at his face and knows it will never have eyes that look at her with warmth and affection. He will never turn to her and tell her he loves her again. Nick isn’t in there anymore.

They decide to end life support.

All the important people from his life came in to say goodbye before they pull the plug on him.

His mother, brothers, and cousins come in quiet and pensive, so different from their usual loud, rowdy selves. “You always took such good care of us Nicky,” his Ma said. “Now you’re up in heaven where all the angels can take care of you.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “My sweet, sweet boy. I wish they didn’t have to call you up so soon. I just needed a few more Christmases with you.”

He wanted to tell his Ma that he was still there. He tried to hug her but he passed right through her. He saw his Ma shiver slightly and pull her sweater more tightly around her. It made him sad that he couldn’t comfort the people he loved. He floated over to stand in the far corner of the hospital room.

His brothers and cousins lined up in single file to say goodbye to him, whispering nice sentiments to him as they held his hand or kissed his cheek.

His friends came in next.

Winston held his hand and said, “Remember when we were kids in Chicago and you said that we would be best friends forever? It’s just something nice people say when they’re kids, but only you would keep a promise like that. You could have let me go when you went to college or law school or I went off to play basketball in Latvia for two years. But you always hung onto me. I’m glad you kept me in your life. I love you and I’ll miss you.” He reached over and gave the body in the hospital bed a hug.

Schmidt approached his bed next. Tears were streaming down his face. “This wasn’t supposed to be part of your life plan, Nick. You weren’t even halfway done. You were supposed to see your kids get married. You were supposed to see my kids get married. We were supposed to take our families to Italy on your next wedding anniversary and find the best pizza in the world. We were supposed to drive motorcycles cross-country with Ben when he turned 18. We were supposed to take Charlie to trapeze school and to go skydiving because you said that you never wanted her to be afraid of heights like you. You were supposed to live a good long life and then die peacefully in bed at the age of 102. That guy stole you from us, Nick, and I’ll miss you every day for the rest of my life. I love you and I promise to take care of Jess and the kids.” He hugged the body in the hospital bed and kissed his forehead.

Cece came in. “You made Jess so happy Nick. You were the best husband and father. I’m glad I got a chance to know you.” She kissed his cheek.

His kids came in to say goodbye to him.

His son was stony-faced, keeping everything in. Ben reminded him of himself before he met Jess. He hoped Ben would be better at letting people in to help him so he wouldn’t have to go through losing his dad all alone. He just stared at Nick’s face and didn’t say anything. Nick could see everything he couldn’t say in his eyes though. I love you and I’ll miss you, Dad.

His daughter was weeping inconsolably holding her favorite teddy bear against her chest. She stroked Nick’s bruised cheeks. “They hurt you, Papa. I wish you could come home with us so I could take care of you, but Mama says you have to go see the angels in heaven.” She placed the teddy bear next to him in bed. “Joe will go with you so you don’t get lonely, Papa.” ‘Take care of my Papa, Joe,’ she whispered to the bear.

Jess stood back from the hospital bed and watched his family and friends say their goodbyes to him. She came back over afterwards and held his hand again. She leaned her head against the side of his face.“You were the love of my life, Nick,” she whispered to him. “Thank you for letting me love you and for loving me back. It hurts now, I think a piece of my heart will be missing forever, but I know I’ll be okay because I met you.”

They turned off his ventilator and took out his breathing tube. The monitors eventually flatlined.

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It had been two years since he had passed away.

He had followed Jess and the kids home from the hospital. Over the years, he wandered the rooms of the house and watched his family live their lives without him.

Time moved differently for him. He found out he could just hang out in any room of the house for hours like a fly on the wall. He never got bored; he just felt zen. He thinks this is what Tran was trying to teach him about being “One With The Universe” in his past life.

---

Jess started dating a teacher at her school named Ryan.

Nick watched her get ready for her first date with Ryan, sitting on what used to be his side of the bed.

She wore that red sundress he liked. He remembered the last time she wore it was when they tried to find that new restaurant that was supposed to be within walking distance of their new house when they had first moved in. They got caught in the rain, getting cold and drenched by the heavy downpour. They held hands and tried to run under the awnings of storefronts to get back home. She had fretted that she looked like a drowned rat but he had turned to her and said that she looked beautiful to him no matter what because it was true. She had kissed him in the rain and it had felt like a big cinematic moment just like in the movies. Later they had gone home and taken off all their wet clothes and he had loved her up so she wasn’t cold from the rain any more.

Jess stared at herself in the mirror and her eyes were sad. Nick walked up behind her and put his arms around her waist and his chin on her shoulder like he always used to do when she got ready for their date nights. “You look gorgeous, honey,” he whispered to her while she stared at her reflection. He knew she couldn’t see him or hear him but he could see in her eyes that she was remembering him so it almost felt real.

She left the house to go on a date with another man.

---

After dating Ryan for a year, Jess took him home to meet their kids.

Nick could see Ben shut Ryan out the first time he met him, being coldly polite for his mom but trying to remain loyal to his dad. Nick wished Ben would let Ryan in though. He seemed like a good guy and Ben still needed a father.

Charlie was shy around Ryan, looking down at her feet and mumbling her hello. She used to be so friendly and outgoing, a bundle of sunshine just like a mini-Jess, and it hurt Nick to see her turn away from people. He knows Charlie missed him.

Eventually Ben and Charlie get used to having Ryan around. It makes Nick a little jealous that Ryan got to be there when he doesn’t get to be, but he’s mostly glad that his family has someone to take care of them again. He doesn’t want his death to have left a gaping hole in their lives forever. He wants them to have a chance to be a real family again, a chance to be happy.

---

Jess marries Ryan on a Sunday.

She wears a white dress with pink roses in her hair.

Charlie is the flower girl in a cream-colored dress, her hair in braids tied by red ribbons and walking gingerly down the aisle in her half-inch heels. Ben is the ring bearer, looking sharp in his tailored gray suit with the blue tie that matches his mother’s eyes.

Nick follows them to the church and to the reception, watching his family move on with their lives without him.

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After he died, Nick would still come into Ben’s room late at night and check for monsters. He could see that Ben was having night terrors again so it felt like something to do so that he wouldn’t feel helpless. Afterwards, he would sit on a chair near Ben’s bedside and wait out the night.

---

One night Ben opened his eyes and looked directly at him. “Hi, Dad,” he said calmly.

Nick’s eyes widened in surprise. “You can see me?”

Ben nodded. “I could see you the whole time. Ever since you were in the hospital. I thought you were pretending. When are you coming home?”

“I’m sorry, Ben, I can’t come home,” Nick said sadly.

Ben nodded in somber understanding. “It’s because they put you in a box in the ground, right, Dad?”

“Something like that.” He pauses. “Can your sister or your mother see me too?”

Ben shook his head. “Just me.”

Nick worries for his son. “Maybe you should keep this just between us.”

Ben nods sagely. “They made me talk to a head doctor. I told her I could see you but they said it was my imagination because I was sad you were gone. I knew you were real though. Can you come talk to me sometimes when I’m sad?”

Nick nods. “I’ll always be here if you need me Ben. Always.”

---

Ben sits in the kitchen with Nick and twists his Oreos the way they used to do together after school. Ben would always twist the Oreos apart and they would share one half each. He stopped doing it when Nick died but once he started talking to Nick again, he started doing it again even though Nick wasn’t able to eat any of the halves. Now every day after school, he left the Oreo halves and a glass of milk on a plate across from him at the kitchen table.

Ryan worried about it and said maybe they should send Ben back to the psychologist, but Jess said it was just force of habit, him missing Nick and trying to keep him around.

---

One day Nick tried talking to Ben but Ben didn’t seem to hear him. Nick knew the window between them would shut one day but he was still sad it was gone.

---

Ben fell in with a bad crowd. He started cutting class and doing petty vandalism and petty thefts around the neighborhood, drinking too much, doing drugs, cutting himself. Jess and Ryan tried talking to him but Ben shut them out. Nick saw too much of himself in his son. He worried that this was the legacy he had left for his son. All the bad parts of himself: anger issues, shutting people out, using alcohol as a crutch to avoid dealing with the world. He was only 15.

He saw Ben withdraw from everyone. He used to love music and Nick remembered how overjoyed he was when Nick bought him his first guitar when he was 5, the Christmas before he died. Ben sold it for an ounce of weed without a second glance. He didn’t seem to care about anything; he would just sit in his room and drink.

Ryan said they needed to be tougher on Ben but Jess said to wait for him to come to them. They just had to let Ben know they would always be there whenever he wanted to let them in, holding him close to them with their love. She knew Ben was too much like Nick. You couldn’t push him or he would keep withdrawing into himself. He had to make the choice to accept their love.

---

One day Ben was laying in bed. He was drunk out of his mind again. Nick sat on a chair by his bedside.

Ben turned and stared directly at him for the first time in years. “Hi, Dad,” he said weakly.

“Not doing so well, huh, kid?” Nick asked.

Ben shook his head. “I just feel angry all the time, Dad. I can’t care about anything. I wish you were still here.”

Ben started sobbing. “I know I’m throwing my life away Dad. I need help.”

“Talk to your mother. Talk to Ryan. Let them help you. Let someone in. It’s okay to need someone.”

“Ryan isn’t you Dad.”

“He’s not trying to replace me, Ben. I know you think loving him makes you love me less but it doesn’t work that way. There’s enough room in your heart for both of us. He’s a nice guy that makes your mother happy. Just give him a chance.”

Ben sighed, closing his eyes and letting go of some of the anger in his gut. “I’ll try, Dad.”

He opened his eyes again and met Nick's gaze. “We were supposed to go to Graceland together on my 16th birthday. Remember that, Dad?”

“I remember. Why did you stop playing guitar? You used to love that.”

“It was too hard after…”

“You should pick it up again. You should hang on to the things you love. It’ll give you something to focus on when you get clean.”

---

Nick sat in the back at Ben’s rock concert. He smiled when Ben played “Can’t Help Falling In Love With You.”

Afterwards, Jess, Ryan, and Charlie came over to congratulate Ben on his show. He hugged them and told them he would see them later at home. Ben came to sit down next to Nick in the far back of the auditorium, away from the earshot of the crowd.

“Great show, Ben. I’m proud of you.”

Ben reached into his pocket and pulled out his three month chip, rubbing it between his thumb and index finger. “Thanks for telling me to pick it up again, Dad. I’m glad I did.”

He saw Ben watching one of the female vocalists who had sang a soulful rendition of “You Really Got A Hold On Me” as an opener to the show.

“Go talk to her, Ben.”

“I can’t do that, Dad.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not brave like you, Dad. I can’t go up and give her a big fairytale kiss like you did with Mom and win her over.”

Nick chuckled at that. “I’m not brave, Ben. I’m a big coward. The guy on the beach guarding the wallets when everyone else is running into the ocean. It was because of your mother that I was brave enough to do that. If you meet the right person, it’s just easy.”

The girl smiled over at Ben. Ben took a deep breath. He rubbed his three month chip one more time for luck before pocketing it and getting up to walk over to her.

Nick heard him say, “Hi, Rachel. Do you want to get something to eat with me later?”

Nick saw her nod excitedly and a large grin broke across Ben’s face.

Right before his eyes, he watched his son grow into the man he was meant to be.

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He watched his daughter transition from wearing princess dresses and having tea parties with her stuffed animals to wearing makeup and having sleepovers with girls who giggled about boys.

A lot of the time he just wanted to hug her to him and tell her, “Stop growing up so fast.”

He still remembers having tea parties with her in her room, making sure all her stuffed animals got equal amounts of invisible cake. He remembers them playing make-believe in the treehouse he built for her in the backyard, sailing to far off lands in search of pirate treasure and flying through the stars in their rocketship to talk to space aliens. He remembers her standing on his feet as they danced to Elvis records in the living room.

---

Charlie got her first boyfriend in high school when she was 16. His name was Dave and he was a tall, handsome guy like Sam was. Straight-A student, captain of the football team, all set to go to a great university and become an engineer. He seemed good on paper, but something about him rubbed Nick the wrong way from the first moment he laid eyes on him. However, Charlie looked smitten so he tried to ignore that anxious, twisty feeling in his gut and tried to be happy for her.

---

Dave always honked for Charlie to come outside when he picked her up for dates; he never went inside the house to pick her up. He never pulled out her chair or held the door for her. He didn’t like to hold hands in public. All those little things that Nick automatically did for Jess without thinking, Dave never did for his daughter Charlie.

---

Charlie dreamed about becoming a teacher, just like Jess. She got into a good university, a different university than Dave, but she dropped out when Dave said he didn’t like her being away from him.

They moved in together and she got a job as a waitress. He made good money as an engineer but he spent it all on gambling and drinking and strip clubs. Charlie struggled to pay the bills but she was too proud to ask Jess or Ryan for help. ‘His job is too stressful and he is just blowing off steam,’ she told herself. ‘Relationships are hard work but we love each other. We can make this work. I just need to try harder to make this work.’

Dave eventually kept Charlie from calling Jess and Ryan. He kept her from her friends. He said if she loved him, he was the only person she needed in her life. He only let her go to her job and then come straight home to cook him dinner. Nick saw his beautiful, vibrant daughter slowly get washed away.

---

One day Charlie forgot to iron his clothes and Dave smacked her hard across the face. Nick felt a white hot murderous rage boil up inside of him and he went to strangle Dave, but his hands passed right through him. He never felt so helpless.

It started to happen more and more often. She tried to fold herself up into a tiny ball to take up less space. She looked down at her feet when she spoke to him and tried so hard to do everything exactly like he asked. It didn’t help. She got herself some more black eyes and he broke her arm once throwing her down the stairs.

She would quietly cry herself to sleep in the crawlspace of the house they shared together so he wouldn’t hear her and get angry again. Nick sat next to her during those times wishing he could hold her to him like she was his little girl again, protecting her from all the bad monsters.

---

One day she turned to him and focused on his face. She said, “Hi, Dad,” in a shaky voice. She could see him.

“Hey, Chuck,” he said. He had a heartbroken look on his face for his little girl.

She was just like Jess, always caring more about others than herself even when she was in so much pain. She whispered to him, “What hurts?”, like the way she used to when he was sick.

“My heart,” he replied. “Why are you letting him do that to you, Chuck?”

“He loves me, Dad.”

“That’s not love, sweetheart,” he said gently.

“I love him, Dad.”

“You deserve better, Chuck.”

She started crying. “I have to keep him, Dad. No one else will ever love me.”

His heart broke for his little girl. “I hate that he made you believe that. You’re the most lovable person I know.”

“I don’t know how to ask for help, Dad. I’m supposed to be smart.”

“It’s not about being smart, Chuck. Everyone is just a lonely person looking for love out in the universe. Sometimes you get fooled into thinking something is love when it isn’t.”

“Asking for help isn’t something to be ashamed of. No one makes it through life alone. Call your mother. Call Ryan. Call your brother. Call anybody and get yourself out of here. You deserve to be happy, Chuck. He doesn’t love you; he wouldn’t hurt you that way if he did. You deserve someone who loves you back.”

He could see a tiny spark of courage return to her eyes. She took out a cell phone hidden in a wall panel in the crawlspace and dialed a number.

“Hello?” Jess’s groggy voice at three in the morning.

“Mom…?” she whispered. She hugged her knees to her chest. “I need you to come get me.”

Nick gave her a tearful smile. I knew you were still in there, Chuck. I knew you could rescue yourself.

---

Jess and Ryan arrived with the police and took her home.

Slowly, Nick saw his beautiful little girl emerge again. Her bruises and scars healed. She started to sing again and create art, his bundle of sunshine lighting up a room whenever she walked into it. She went back to college to finish her teaching degree. She grew into a strong, independent woman who had her father’s eyes, her father’s spirit.

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Nick sat on a bench outside Jess and Ryan’s house and watched the happy glow of their dining room window as Jess and Ryan and his two children sat down to enjoy a meal together.

There was a brief flash of light next to him and a man materialized next to him on the bench.

“Hi, Dad,” Nick said without turning to him. “Long time no see.”

“It’s good to see you again too, Nicky.” He paused. “It’s time for you to go.”

“I wish I could stay.”

“I know; everyone does.”

“You think I was a good enough father? A good enough husband?”

“Son, you had me beat by a country mile.”

“I still loved you though, Dad.”

“I know, but I didn’t deserve it. I should have earned it like you did.”

“You think they’ll be okay without me here?”

“They’ll be okay…you know how I know? They always had you in their lives. The body is just a vessel for your heavenly soul. You never really die; you live on in the impact you make in people's lives, in the way you change how people think about themselves because you were in their lives. You’ll always be here in their hearts.”

Nick thinks back to standing in the desert on a moonlit night and smiles.

He sees the tunnel in front of him again and lets his dad lead him into the light.