Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The place of space, the far away place. the . . . something something kuiper belt i think

This is a guy, a . .Neptune. 

Neptune. .is talking to rocks as always, it seems that Hobolomess(Homeless news anchor) and Codemen(Old timey TV man) are having an argument, and Neptune's trying to mediate. 

Though they probably should've had Tim do that instead, well actually no- Tim’s a Mitochondria therapist, not a 80’s digital tv man therapist. Nor is he qualified to therapy his own boyfriend. 

It's a shame cheryll couldn't be there, she was the best general therapist in the Kuiper belt. . It's a shame that she. . . . .

None of the other asteroids ever want to remember that day. . .

Neptune will just have to do! He's practically a therapist already! Just not licensed. . .Anyways-

Codemen is talking with his usual staticy, heavily bitcrushed voice from within the screen of the old timey television he lives in. 

“YOU DON UNDERSTAN A DIDILY DARN THIN BOUT WHAT YUOR DIDILY DARN SAYIN”

Hobolomess is taken aback at Codemen’s outrageous reply.

“YOU'RE THE ONES THAT'S WRONG! LIKE YOUR FACE, YOUR FACE IS WRONG!”

Neptune tries to deescalate the situation but neither parties are willing.

“IF I COULD LEAVE I WOULD CRAWL OUT OF MY TV LIKE THE GIRL FROM RING JUST TO WHOOP YOUR NO GOOD ASS” Codemen says sayingly with a pitched down nearly demonic old timey commercial jingle.

“IT'S A GOOD THING IM SKILLED IN KAR-AH-TE! YOUL FAIL!” Hobolomess responds while doing Kar-ah-te.

“You’ll regret the fact that you were born”

Codemen swore with a terrifyingly deep and distorted voice.

It was yet another day in space, and it seems Uranus was surprisingly headed over to the Kuiper belt to hang Neptune!

I guess that all the times Neptune just waltzed into Uranus’s orbit to hang has had an influence on Uranus to do the same.

As he approaches where he assumes is Neptune he finds himself in quite a peculiar situation. 

Neptune is there, and he seems to be very distraught over two asteroids, of which both have faces crudely painted onto them with blue.

It's eerily silent as Neptune stares in increasing horror at the also silent asteroids, his gaze switching between the two, kind of like a conversation, but asteroids don't talk. Right? . . .

Uranus is kind of entranced with it. But he's snapped out of it when Neptune suddenly shrieks with horror.

“No! Hobolomess! Don't resort to racism, that's bad!!!!!1!!”

Ok what-

“Codemen! Stop antagonizing him! You remember what they did in season 12! And you're better than this!---Hobolomess! Now is NOT the time to bring up the Sith Lord!”

Uranus was reasonably confused, but also interested in this multi season drama sitcom lookin ahh thing.

He watched as Neptune continued to go back and forth with a scolding tone for a while, saying increasingly confusing things if you don't know the context’s.

“Alright Alright! Codemen, you're going back to storage for bringing up Cheryll!” Then Neptune proceeded to grab the asteroid that he assumed was ‘Codemen’ and straight up threw him out of sight. Then he turned back to the other asteroid which must be ‘Hobolomess’ and spoke in a very out of place calm tone.

“So so sorry about that Hobolomess, you're excused” then the asteroid somehow zoomed off in a random direction. 

Uranus then finally made his presence known.

“Oh! Hey Uranus! What brings you here!” Neotunes says happily, also pronouncing Uranus’s name correctly.

“Uh, just wanted to hang, ya know?” Uranus says, gripping the rope he had hidden behind his back

“Ooo! That sounds fun!” Neptune responds, completely oblivious

“You're really silly, you know that right?” Uranus says, stalling for the main event.

“Oh! Haha, I'm not that silly!” Neptune says, smiling creeply.

“Uhhh what-” Uranus puzzled, but it's too late to back down now!

“I know what's up, Larry told me aaaaalllllllll about it ;p” Neptune teased teasingly, winking and sticking his tongue out like a sneaky little bastard.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” sputtered Uranus. IT'S NOW OR NEVER, STRIKE NOW!!!!,1!!1!1

Uranus lunged forward at Neptune like a ballerina, majesticly pulling out the rope he had. . . .

Wait. . .

Had?

I thought it was. . .

Has . . . .?

W-. .. where. .where’d . .. where'd the rope go–

Found it! Its right around Uranus’s neck!!!-- WHAIT WHAT-

“I told you I’m not that silly! Night night!” Neptune said, winking again like a douche.

And everything went dark . . .

Theeeeee Ennddddd (ya gotta wait for the next instalment to see what happens next :)

Chapter Text

It's the inner solar system!!! But there's a sad.

Earth is sad. Why? Idk dont ask me. *Shrug*

Moon Luna approaches the earth, Earth doesn't notice the Luna is there.

Now Luna’s sad :( 

Mars wondered what's going on and goes over to be met with a sad Earth AND a sad Luna

“Why are you sad, Earth??? And why is Luna also sad?” Mars asks, thinking about cheese for some reason.

“I just watched Gray’s Anatomy season 11 episode 21” Earth lamented sadly.

And Luna pipes up sadly. “Im sad because Earth Ignored me”

Mars understands, Season 11 Episode 21 is very sad. 

“I know your pain Earth, but that doesn't mean you can ignore Luna”

Earth looks to his left, once seeing Luna there with the expression of a sad puppy that was left out in the rain.

“Ahh! Luna, when did you get here!!” Earth suddenly yelped, guess he didn't know Luna was there *another shrug*

Mars is confused “wha- Luna had just spoke before hand, and you can detect approaching gravity. How the heck did you not know Luna was there.” Mars Inquired.

“Well I obviously must have forgotten to take my schizophrenia meds” Earth huffed. It's like Mars doesn't even know him.

Mars gives Earth a look of utter bewilderment and confusion

“Since when did you have Schizophrenia!” Mars yelled suddenly, very ultra omega super confused.

“Since after the Sith Lord attacked! How do you not remember that, you snake-eared jolly rancher!” Earth lashed out, now with a cowboy accent for some reason.

Mars was also confused by the sudden accent.

“Sith lord?? What is that! There was no attack! What are you even talking about right now!” Mars countered, getting increasingly agitated with this whole interaction.

Just then Luna butts in,

“Uhh, guys. What is THAT!” Blurted Luna, pointing at (something?).

Both Earth and Mars turned to look at whatever Luna was pointing at.

“Is that DEREK SHEPHERD!!!1!!1!”

Earth exclaimed loudly, pointing at Derek Shepherd, the best Neurosurgeon that Grey-Sloan memorial hospital had ever seen.

His post car/truck crash corpse is floating in space, even after brain death, he gets to see the stars for one last time.

At the sight of the medical drama show with 20 seasons character, Earth explodes on the spot.

Mars is utterly devastated and shocked, did Earth just die? Right in front of him? He doesn't know how to feel about it.

And where was the Sun, or Venus and Mercury. They have to know something, right? This just has to be some sort of sick joke. But who in the right mind would do this, and why? It doesn't make sense, this has to be a dream, it must be. This can't be real. It couldn't be, Mars refuses to believe it.

Mars is snapped out of his spiraling thoughts by Luna saying something.

“Aw man, not again!” Luna complained, then brought out a book and opened it. (where'd it even come from?) started speaking in reverse, a strange sound played. Then Earth's shattered corpse began to stitch itself back together, water returned to his surface as life seemed to go back in time to how it was before he exploded. 

And just like that, Earth opened his eyes and looked quite confused, like he didn't just explode.

“Am i the only sane one here” Mars says, defeatedly.

Chapter Text

The gas giants are chilling. Eating cake and celebrating their Divorce Anniversary(Divorsary).  

But their conversation is halted right in the middle by a scream from the Kuiper belt.

Jupiter and Saturn do a quick round of Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide who’s going to investigate. Saturn loses and complains but unhapply goes to the Kuiper belt.

Meanwhile . . .

Seems that Hobolomess is talking to his boyfriend, Tim (President, king, emperor, surgeon, priest, hitman, shaman, deity, republican, liberal, dictator, tech support agent, lawyer, cheese lawyer, judge, deputy, royal advisor, blacksmith, politician, women’s rights activist, nazi, Hashira, hokage, fall out boy, actor, female lingerie model, bodybuilder, colosseum champion, lord Dreamslayer, professional crier, Competitive sleeper, NARC, CIA agent, SCP Mobile Unit, teacher, taste tester, game reviewer, activist, philosopher, Interdimensional crime leader, mitochondria therapist, biologist, wedding planner, photographer, world record holder of the most titles, carpenter, universal blood donor, Pokémon master, Storm Chaser, philanthropist, billionaire, CEO of Haxrit, the cause of climate change, air marshal, city manager, spinjitzu master, Jedi, Sith Lord, arch dragon, Mayor, tsar, supreme leader, artist.).

“Tell me, why are you siding with Codemen! Of all asteroids you side with Codemen! Why!!!” Hobolomess ranted, clearly very angry.

“Because you were arguing about the ethics of using a lightsabre to charge your phone.” stated Tim, readjusting his black fedora.

“. . . still, it could work.” Hobolomess said, touching his fingers together like an anime softie.

“Or it could blow up your phone.” Tim pointed out, stating the obvious.

“Well there's only one way to find out” Hobolomess retorted, taking out his phone and charging cable.

“Gimmie your Lightsabre sweety” Hobolomess encouraged, holding his hand out with a sweet smile.

“This isn't going to end well” the narrator said saidingly, wondering why they're breaking the fourth wall.

Saturn approached the source of the the strange screams. It was an. . .interesting(?) sight.

There was N̵̯̺̜̯̱̰̞͍̞͈͇͚͈̣͗͜͜ḙ̵̘̦͆́̏͗ṗ̵̢͕͈̗̳̟͎̜̬̠̼ͅt̵̨̲̻̰̥̦̬̖̠̭͕̼̟̒̎̈́̓̐̏̏̓̆̀͛͋̈̇̇̌͝͝u̸͖̟͖͇͎͈̖̳͍̹͛̈́́̋͌͛n̷̛̬̐̿̃̉̐̐̊͛̀̋͠͝ě̵̢̛͚̫̜͕͓̺̯͔̼̜̳́́̋͋͐͌͗̕, with a rope, and uranus, with the rope, on his rope, makeing a roperope, and another rope, and Gulliermo for some reason.

“Neptune! My blue friend, why is Uranus dead?” Saturn asked nonchalantly, like this happens every tuesday. 

“oh ! we’re just playing!” N̵̯̺̜̯̱̰̞͍̞͈͇͚͈̣͗͜͜ḙ̵̘̦͆́̏͗ṗ̵̢͕͈̗̳̟͎̜̬̠̼ͅt̵̨̲̻̰̥̦̬̖̠̭͕̼̟̒̎̈́̓̐̏̏̓̆̀͛͋̈̇̇̌͝͝u̸͖̟͖͇͎͈̖̳͍̹͛̈́́̋͌͛n̷̛̬̐̿̃̉̐̐̊͛̀̋͠͝ě̵̢̛͚̫̜͕͓̺̯͔̼̜̳́́̋͋͐͌͗̕ replies, smiling creepily.

“Oh Neptune, are you possessed? Do I have to call the exorcist again?” Saturn implied, frowning.

“Shit, my cover’s been blown!” N̵̯̺̜̯̱̰̞͍̞͈͇͚͈͗͜͜ḙ̵̘̦͆́̏͗ṗ̵̢͕͈̗̳̟͎̜̬̠̼ͅt̵̨̲̻̰̥̦̬̖̠̭͕̼̟̒̎̈́̓̐̏̏̓̆̀͛͋̈̇̇̌͝͝u̸͖̟͖͇͎͈̖̳͍̹͛̈́́̋͌͛n̷̛̬̐̿̃̉̐̐̊͛̀̋͠͝ě̵̢̛͚̫̜͕͓̺̯͔̼̜̳́́̋͋͐͌͗̕ screeched before his mouth unhinged like a snake and some black smoke exited and grew legs and ran away.

Neptune stood there shaking his head dizzily. “Wh. . .what happened???” Neptune mumbled.

Then he saw Uranaus (dead).

“GASP, IT YOU DIES!!!??!?!?1?!?!?,?!?!.?1” Neptune gasps, also saying the word gasp, while he puts his hands on his head like that one meme reaction image.

“whew i was worried for a moment there, I didn't have enough money to pay for another exorcist after I had to get one last week, welp, I think you have this handled! Byeeeee” Saturn announced before leaving with his hand on his hip like a preppy high school teen.

[ERROR 404;NEPTUNE NOT FOUND]

Chapter Text

G

Welp, Therapist!Mercury exists I guess. (i’ll never understand aus(jk i do(haha i was(still am)a Sans Au person))

It's therapy time, for Mars, he's going to see if anyone else sees what's wrong, like earth with schizophrenia?. 

Since when!

Mars finds Mercury who's reading a book, but the book is upside down. Mars doesn't have a good feeling about this. :/

“Oh, hey Mars. What's up?” Mercury greeted Mars, closing his book, it was the communist manifesto. (worrying)

“Hey Merc, do you have the time for a little therapy sesh, with me???” coaxed Mars, with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

“Mm, i suppose i could move some things around, how urgent do you need it?” Mercury answered, holding his hand out like that ‘is this a pigeon(its a butterfly)’ meme.

“Uhh, it's urgent, you have the time right, for. . right now?? please?? “ Mars basically pleaded, Mercury seemed to be normal, aside from reading the Communist Manifesto upside down, things were going well.

“Ehhhhh, yeah alright, I can spare 10 minutes.” Mercury caved to Mars’s 

pleading.

O

Mars took a seat and began. . .

“So like 10 minutes ago. . .” Mars retold the whole ‘Earth blowing up because of Derek Shepherd’ story. Getting quite frustrated over it.

Mercury simply listened in silence.

“. . .and then he came back from the dead and acted like nothing happened! Please tell me you're also seeing what's wrong here, right????”

Mars ended off his little rant with an exasperated sigh and a pleading look at Mercury, of whom was just :|

The silence and anxiety of waiting for Mercury to answer was deafening. Mars just wanted answers, and having to wait for them was secretly driving him crazy!

“You. . .really don't remember when the Sith Lord Attacked?” worried Mercury, with a look of concern.

T

. . . fuck

Mars, couldn't believe it, Mercury too? Was the entire system fucking insane!

Mars left on the spot, there must be someone who's not crazy like everyone else, surely, right? He’ll talk to Venus, The Sun, AND the giants and maybe a bunch of the moons and dwarf planets as well, hopefully he’s not the only one who sees what's wrong.

O

:)

Mars approaches Venus first, Venus is safer than the sun(that's an understatement).

“Eh? Why are you here?” provoked Venus as soon as he saw Mars, already in a bad mood.

Mars gulped internally,and wondered what put Venus in a bad mood, was it the sheer sight of him?

“Just wanted to ask you a question.” Assured Mars, maintaining a calm demeanor. 

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, sure, why not,” Venus acknowledged. Looking a little confused.

“Erm, do you. Happen to know anything about a . .Sith Lord attack??” Mars hesitated, mentally bracing himself for the worst.

“. . . .what-” Venus started.

Mars breathed out a sigh of relief, Venus didnt know anythi-

“I thought we agreed to never talk about the Sith Lord after the attack?”

Internally. Mars’s mind shattered like glass, externally. Mars’s eye twitched 

before he sprinted out of there, headed towards the gas giants.

“Well fuck you too then” scoffed Venus as he flips Mars off.

T

Mars reached the Gas Giants, there was Jupiter and Saturn, who were eating cake. Mars wondered where the cake even came from.

“Oh! Hello my little red, rocky friend, what brings you here?” Saturn greeted cheerfully, Jupiter simply waved his hand as a gesture of saying ‘hello’.

“Heyyyy, Saturn. .and Jupiter. I-. . just wanted. . to ask you a. . question?” Mars faltered, sounding unsure of what he's saying and looking a little(little is an understatement) frazzled. And is also smiling awkwardly.

Saturn opened his mouth to talk but Jupiter touched his shoulder and shook his head slightly with a worried expression.

“Mars, are you ok? You look a bit. . *oh god how do i put this nicely* nuts.” Jupiter hesitated, Saturn quickly shared his worried expression. 

“Yeah, you do look a bit nuts, my little, red, rocky, friend.” Saturn added, finally putting his piece of cake down(why didn't he put it down earlier!).

H

Mars frowned and hurriedly stuttered out a confusing explanation. 

“WellEarthSaidSomethingAboutASith LordAttackButIDontKnowAnythingAboutItandEveryoneITalkToKnowsAboutItAndIsConfusedOnWhyI*inhale*DontRememberAnythingAboutASithLordAttackAndItsDrivingMeCrazySoImGoingToEveryoneInTheEntireSystemTryingToSeeIfThere'sAnyoneWhoSeesThatSomethingIsWrongAndIDontKnowWhatElseToDo-”

“MARS!” Jupiter yelled, making Mars stop his chaotic rambling.

“Does he not remem-” Saturn is cut off mid sentience by Jupiter shooting a glare, but that just seems to aggravate Saturn.

“Who gave you permission to cut me off!” Saturn shot back, frowning indignantly.

E

“Wha-, you let me cut you off earlier.” Jupiter argued. Bringing his hand up like ‘huh’.

“I was merely tolerating you for Mars’s sake, but now you've crossed the line!” sassed Saturn, crossing his arms and glaring at Jupiter.

“Well I'm older than you so I know better!” quipped Jupiter, pointing a finger at Saturn.

“And this is why we divorced Jupiter! Because you're a narcissistic entitled asshole!” insulted Saturn, putting his hands on his hips

Mars left silently as the two gas giants entered a screaming match, they were no help

Mars felt numb, alone and alienated. He was beginning to think that maybe he was the crazy one.

And why was he even bothering to ask the ice giants about the Sith Lord. Why would they be any different

Nonetheless, he approached Uranus’s orbit, but found it completely empty. . . not that strange, considering Neptune.

Mars continued, onwards to Neptune’s orbit, maybe Uranus would be there. . ?

S

Reaching Neptune’s Orbit, Mars finds something he would've found shocking 10 minutes ago. But now it was just . . .disappointing.

The first thing he saw was right in front of him, it’s a glowing sword connected to a. .cellphone??? (Not even gonna bother) there were two asteroids with faces crudely painted on to them with blue, one of which had a black fedora.

U

To the side was two of the dwarf planets, Makemake and Haumea. They seemed to be ‘spying’ on Neptune. .speaking of Neptune-

Neptune had some sort of ritual circle set up around Uranus, who was very very obviously dead.

Mars just kinda. . .watched-

Uranus came back to life, of course, why didn’t he think of that, soooo enlightening.

But his indignant thoughts were broken by a. . .beeping sound?? 

Looking back at the glow-sword and phone, that was next to him now. . 

N

It blew up in Mars’s face.

!

Mars gave up. . . . . .

Chapter Text

It is silent, exactly how Sol likes it. . .

Wait. . .

It's too silent. . .

Something's wrong. . .

Gazing out upon the solar system, the one that Sol had watched over and protected for as long as he can remember.

Nothing seems too out of the ordinary.

Things have been. . .a little. . .weird lately. . .

But then again, no one ever tells him anything about what's going on in his system. 

And yeah, sure the planets are entitled to their privacy and have the right to keep some things secret. 

But they have to tell him something. They can’t just . .leave him in the dark(pun intended) ;J

Then he realises, Mars is not in his orbit!

Sol immediately searches with his eyes around the system. .

Not with Mercury, nor Venus and Earth. Jupiter and Saturn are together, but no one else is around them. 

Sol can't see all the way to Uranus and Neptune’s orbit, but he can sense it.

Sol closed his eyes and searched for all the things within his gravity, and located Uranus and Neptune easily. 

And perhaps by a stroke of luck, Mars was there as well. (+Makemake and Haumea on the side)

Now what was Mars doing all the way out there!

Sol opened his eyes and thought about it for a long while.

Maybe Mars got sick of Earth, Venus and Mercury and decided to make new friends. Though why he'd choose the ice giants is a mystery. 

Perhaps he just wanted a change of pace, or scenery. Maybe he's just exploring. Or is he plotting a coup against him, The Sun. or is he running away!

.

.

.

Wait

.

.

.

Mars is getting closer now.

.

.

.

Is he returning to his orbit?

.

.

.

Now Sol can see him.

.

.

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He's distressed.

.

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.

Neptune and Uranus are following, they too seem worried.

.

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.

Mars flees right past Jupiter and Saturn, who look quite surprised. And when Uranus and Neptune pass by, they follow.

.

.

.

Mars breaks through the Asteroid Belt, now he’s back in his orbit!

Sol smiles, knowing that Mars is safe, but the Giants have to get back in their orbits as well.

( I suppose the ice giants can be an exception, mainly Neptune, he's already mentally unstable as it is. Sol believes the only reason he hasn't gone absolutely bonkers is because he leaves his orbit to see Uranus)

.

.

.

Wait.

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Mars is not stopping.

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Not again

.

.

.

Mars passes Earth and Venus, they too follow. The giants also follow but a little more carefully.

Sol decides this is the time to speak up.

“WHAT IS GOING ON!, WHY IS NO ONE  IN THEIR ORBITS!!!!!!!!” Sol screeches loudly, ignoring the indignant reply from Mercury saying that he's in his orbit.

Basically everyone except Mercury and Neptune start yelling over each other, Sol can't make out much of what they are saying other than Sith Lord(?) and something about memory.

“HEY!” Sol yells, everyone shuts up(finally)

“Mercury, you go first, what is going on!” Challenged Sol, looking at Mercury Expectantly.

“Uhh, w-well. .i honestly don't know much other than that he wanted a therapy session with me just 12 minutes ago, and I noticed that he didn't remember some things, and not in the millions of years ago sense, in the couple years ago sense.” Mercury explained, nervously gesturing with his hands.

“I actually noticed that as well, he asked me a weird question then ran off” Venus added, sounding a little irritated.

“He’d also asked us the same kind of thing, he looked quite frazzled,” Jupiter said, gesturing to him and Saturn. Saturn looked very unhappy with Jupiter and even took a step away from Jupiter when he gestured to him. (strange)

“I have no clue about any of this mate” Uranus stated, shrugging.

“Hobolomess’s cellphone blew up in Mars’s face! Thats all i know :3” Neptune said when it was his turn, holding up an Asteroid with a face crudely painted on to it with blue.

.

.

.

“Wait, Speaking of Mars, where is he?” Queried Saturn. Looking around  confusedly.

.

.

.

Oh, yeah.

.

.

.

“WHERE IS MARS!?” Sol suddenly shrieked, looking around the crowd of planets.

.

.

.

“Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhmmm” A voice spoke up, Sol identified it as Makemake.

Sol quickly turned to look at Makemake expectantly with a fierce gaze.

“. . . uhhhhh. .(well now im scared to say)” Makemake thought to himself, but now he has to tell him, The Sun. 

“Mars just died” Makemake squeaked, verrrrrrrrrry nervously. 

Just imagine a record scratch and the sound of glass breaking(don't have enough budget for the real deal(blew all of it on the Sith Lord copyright)sorry)

Sol’s eye twitched very twitchingly.

He looked around and quickly spotted the corpse of Mars, already being eaten by Phobos and Demos while they were dressed as Furry Femboy Maids. 

By the looks of it Mars had been stabbed in the face by Ceres, who's chewing on Mars’s hands like a rat.

.

.

.

Sol solar flared Mars’s corpse, Ceres, Phobos and Deimos until they became fried chicken.

Then without even bothering say say anything he yeeted everyone back to their general orbits, then turned around to have a mental breakdown.

Fortunately Ceres had the Time Stone on him so he magiced himself, Phobos and Deimos back to life. 

Ceres then pulled out two leashes and spoke.

“You two have been very bad dogs, you need to be punished~” Tempted Ceres, with a seductive hint to his voice (asshole)

“Ooo~ sorry master, we’ll be good boys! Don't punish us~” Phobos whimpered pathetically while crawling on all fours while Deimos whined and rolled over showing his belly in submission.

“Save your begging for Daddy, for when it really counts~” Ceres teases sluttingly, biting his lip. He leashed Phobos and Deimos and walks them back to the asteroid belt.

And the mysterious silhouette that had been watching the entire thing floated away. . .

(Sorry)