Archive of Our Own ^beta

All Zihao wants to do in this moment is run to Xinlong and tell him he lied. He lied about hating him, he lied about wanting him to debut, he lied about not needing him. He will always need his members, his best friends. After having lost their babies —though still in contact, they’re just too far— he couldn’t handle losing another one. Xinlong has always thought himself Zihao’s equal, but Zihao has always thought him a little kid who wants to be bigger than he really is. A baby to be taken care of, but you can’t let him know you see him like that, lest he gets upset over being babied. Like a preschooler who just started school, and refuses to be called baby because they’re “a big kid now.”

Instead when he makes it to him, all he can do is hold him and say is how proud he is of him. Zihao wouldn’t dare ruin this for his Longlong. Not when he knows how relieved he is to have made it. The guilt had been eating at Xinlong the whole show —he’s not stupid, of course he’d seen that he had more support than his member— and Zihao had done his best to ease that guilt. It’s why Zihao feels guilty for how selfish he is being right now, his thoughts of full of heartache and the slightest bit of envy. Why couldn’t it be me too? 

They hold onto each other for almost 2 minutes, by the time they let go it’s almost time to get off stage, and they’re surrounded by others who want to congratulate Xinlong. Zihao would’ve let go sooner —let Xinlong be surrounded by more support than he felt he could give— but Xinlong refused to let go. And really, who was Zihao to end the hug when he knew it would be a while before he got to embrace him again? He lets him hold on for however long he needs, reassuring him over and over again that he loves him and that they’re all so proud of him. 

When they let go, Xinlong has composed himself some, and is dragged by their friends and fellow trainees around to be congratulated. Zihao stays there staring. It feels poetic, Xinlong being dragged away while all Zihao can do is stand there and watch. He’s lost in thought when he feels another pair of arms wrap around him. Suren.

“Are you okay?” Is all he asks, pulling Zihao into a proper embrace. He’s the only one who knows that Zihao is a big stupid liar who would much rather Xinlong not debut and instead just stay with them. Zihao is selfish like that, but Suren sees that ugly selfish monster inside him and smiles at him so prettily anyways. It’s a miracle he likes him so much, despite the things Zihao has confessed to him in the dead of night.

“Of course not. I just fucking lost my best friend and I’m stuck in this dying group. I should be happy for him, but all I want to do is tell him to come back.” At that, Suren holds him tighter, kissing his head gently. They should probably be more careful seeing as they’re literally on stage in front of tons of fans, but Zihao can’t be damned to care right now. 

“We both know you won’t do that. You know he’d come running back if you asked him to.” And Zihao knows what Suren says is true. Xinlong would drop everything and come right back if any of the memers asked. It’s why Zihao would never ask that, even as a joke. None of them would. It’s why his message to him had been to not come back. He knew Xinlong would get the joke, years of growing up together means years of fighting. Fighting that happened mostly between the two hotheads. 

Once they’re all off stage, congratulations and goodbyes finished, Xinlong reappears. Zihao is about to head out, but Xinlong catches him quickly, uniform half undone. Clearly he’s meant to be getting dressed for whatever comes next for the winners, but instead he’s sneaking around. 

“Wait, I have like 5 minutes before they realize i didn’t just run to the bathroom, so we have to do this fast.” Zihao is confused. He thought that was that and he’d see Xinlong back at their dorm when he went to pick up his things to officially move into his new dorm with his new members. 

He’s pleasantly surprised when Xinlong pulls him into another hug. He’s hugged him more in one day than he usually does in a month. It’s not until he’s back in his arms, when Zihao feels him letting out a deep breath, and deflating. 

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to remember this.” Xinlong whispers. Zihao has to strain his ears to hear him. “I don’t want to leave you. Please, tell me to come back and I’ll leave with you. I thought I could do this without you guys, but I don’t think I can anymore.”

Tears begin to soak Zihao’s shirt, and for a moment he’s about to say exactly what Xinlong wants him to, until he processes what he just said. This entire time he’d felt so fucking guilty for wanting that, but now all he can feel is anger. 

Anger due to how little faith Xinlong has in himself. Anger at the way things went for Boystory. Anger at the world for putting them through all of this, only to tear them apart in the end. So he lets it out.

“Don’t you dare fucking do this to me now. You know damn well that I won’t tell you to come with me. You’re gonna take responsibility and fucking debut with this stupid group with its stupid name and be the best kpop idol ever. It’s the least you can do for us.” Xinlong looks taken aback, pulling his head back to look at him, but Zihao keeps going. “If you throw this away, I’ll never forgive you. You’re gonna debut for us. It’s selfish to be the best of us and then refuse to use that to prove that all these years haven’t been a waste. If you throw it away now, you throw away all of Boy Story’s efforts to make it.”

Xinlong is really crying now. Zihao doesn’t have a single tear on his face —he’d already cried them all out earlier. All Xinlong can do is nod. They spend another minute staring at each other, having definitely surpassed the 5 minutes Xinlong had said he’d had. It’s not until Zihao lets go, that Xinlong steps away from him. 

“You guys always said I wasn’t selfish enough.“ Xinlong’s voice is wobbly and quiet. His red eyes and nose make him look like the baby he really is. He has his hands balled up, and he’s rolling up onto his heels, then back onto his platforms, like a child scolded. His hair and makeup are no longer perfectly done, and his lips are chewed up, glasses crooked on his face after having smushed it into Zihao’s chest. Zihao decides that he wants to remember this, and pulls out his phone to snap a quick picture. He manages to get it before Xinlong even realizes what happened, and quickly puts his phone away and turns away.

“Don’t let anyone walk all over you, if you’re having a hard time you know you can call us, you know I lied about not wanting you to come back. Come back whenever you need, even if it’s just for a moment to talk. We’ll be waiting for you at the end of this. I love you. Now go before we both change our minds and I kidnap you.” He says that last part with a slight chuckle, making it clear it was meant to be taken as a joke. He hears Xinlong take a deep breath and slowly turn back from where he came. 

“I love you too. I’ll be back, I promise.” And then footsteps. Zihao waits for them to get farther before turning back, catching a glimpse of his back. He squeezes his nails into the palm of his hand, it’s all he can do to stop himself from running after him. 

Zihao isn’t sure how he makes it outside, nor when Suren found his way to him again. One second he was watching Xinlong walk away, and the next he’s outside the building, waiting on a cab with Suren.

“Do you want to come to mine tonight? I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be alone right now” He can hear the concern in Suren’s voice; and he can’t help but smile lightly. He can only assume the mess he looks like right now. 

“No, I won’t be alone. Hanyu and Xiaoyu are waiting back home. I promised I’d make it home safely tonight.” Suren gives a small nod, looking more relieved at the fact that Zihao wouldn’t be alone.

“Are you okay?” Zihao is the one asking this time. He can only imagine it was hard for Suren to also watch their friends debut without them. Yet here he is, taking care of Zihao. The thought makes his heart skip a beat.

“Eh, not the first time I’m watching other debut on a survival show I was on, it only stings a little less the second time.” Suren is smiling when he says it. Zihao can see the tense lines of his shoulders, so he knows the smile isn’t all genuine.Before he can say much, his ride is here, and Suren rushes him into the car, giving him a light kiss on the cheek and sending him on his way. The kiss almost makes Zihao forget about his worries, but he saves it for a later discussion instead. He needs to focus on how he’s going to confront his remaining members first. 

-

Zihao barely makes it through the door before two bodies slam into him. One of them kicks the door closed and he can’t be sure if it was him or one of the other two because everything blurs again. Hanyu and Zeyu are in tears and Zihao’s always been weak when it comes to his members tears, so he begins crying again as well.

The three waddle over to the couch, barely managing to make it before collapsing into a pile of limbs. Zihao is sure the other two want to ask questions, but he’s not sure he could answer anything at the moment. Today has been rough. He went into the day knowing this was the most likely outcome, and he’d thought he’d prepared himself, but there’s no amount of preparation that could ease the pain they feel. Pain and relief. Relief because finally their best friend is being recognized by the world. Pain because this recognition comes with essentially losing him. The feeling is bittersweet. 

-

They fall asleep on the floor. Tear stained faces still red from how hard they had cried that night. When Xinlong’s mom lets herself in the next day (using the key her son had lent her), she’s stopped in her tracks. The three boys are all curled up together, in a way they haven’t done since they were little. They look so young to her, and she can see tear tracks on each of their faces. Her heart breaks a little more, seeing how cruel the world has been to these babies. Instead she sets to quietly setting out the breakfast her son had asked for her to deliver to his friends. It’s all she can do to prevent herself from crying for the boys.

-

Li Zihao dreams of nothing that night. The last thing he’d thought of was his message to Xinlong. “Didnt you know? I’ve always hated you, so don’t come back, just debut there.” He thinks of all of the thoughts he’d had the second Xinlong’s name was called as a part of the debut lineup up until now.

I hate you, He Xinlong. I’ve hated you since the second you came into my life and made it a little brighter. I’ve hated you since the day if our first fight, where you cried so hard after it and we both ended up getting scolded. I’ve hated you ever since I realized you deserved more than I could ever give you, and I decided it was time to let you go. I hate the way you’ve made me cry more than anyone else, but made me laugh even more than that. I hate you for being better than me, but still believing it wasn’t enough because if you aren’t enough then what the fuck am i?

 I hate that you’ve ruined my life by coming into it so easily, only for you to leave just as easily. I hate that I love you so much and I can’t imagine how I’m supposed to live without seeing you’re stupid fucking face everyday. I hate that the only way to see you succeed means putting the final nail in the coffin and killing the group we worked so hard to preserve. I hate that we had to convince you to go through with it because you wouldn’t have done it yourself because you’re too fucking kind. I hate you for making me hate myself for wishing you hadn’t made and instead were here crying with us.