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“No, Sammy. Hey, Sam, don’t move me.” Dean’s voice is rougher than he intends it to be. His back is pushed against the pillar of the barn, and the cool metal driving through him is slowly fading. He feels himself getting lightheaded, shoving it down to try and buy some time for Sam to come up with a plan. He knows he’s dying; he felt it the moment he stepped into the barn. Sam’s eyes are wild, filled with a panic so deep-rooted that Dean’s breath kicks up too. He hasn’t ever seen Sam this scared, and he doesn’t know what to do.
“We’ll get you out Dean. I’ll think of something.” Sam’s pacing nervously back and forth, twisting his hands as he wracks his brain for ideas.
“Slow down man. Come here, I want to talk to you.” Dean’s voice drags him back, and he makes his way over to his brother.
He listens as Dean talks, his steady voice betraying the weakness in his body. Sam’s afraid to look at him, afraid that if he does, he’ll see the life leave his eyes. He can’t bear to see his brother die, not when he’s the one who raised them. Seeing John die was one thing, because John was never a father, never somebody to mourn anyways. Dean, however, will be mourned for the rest of Sam’s life, and then some.
“Look at me Sammy. Hey, I’m here. It’ll be okay.”
“I don’t know Dean. I don’t think I’m gonna be okay.”
“You will. You’ve always been stronger than me, even when we were kids. You never put up with Dad’s crap and I never knew how you did it.”
Sam wanted to run, wanted to sprint out of the barn and never look back. His life was slowly crumbling before his eyes, and he was terrified of what was next. What would be next when Dean wasn’t there to face it with him? He couldn’t live with that, because the one person who’d always been there, the one constant thing in the whirlwind of his childhood, was dying.
His voice is weak as he addresses Dean. “Why’d you do it Dean? Why aren’t you fighting anymore? What changed?”
Dean feels a lump rising in his throat, catching his words and shoving them deeper into his chest. It takes him a great deal of effort to speak around the tears threatening to spill from his eyes.
“Because I had to. Ever since Cas was taken, nothing’s felt right. It all just feels so empty and meaningless, and it’s killing me. I had to do it because I had to see you live. You were always supposed to be the one to carry on, and that’s okay with me.”
“But what about you? I’m not worth any of this Dean, you can’t just throw your life away for me, not again. You did that once already, and it sent you right to Hell. What’s gonna happen to you this time?”
“It is worth it, you’re worth it Sam. You always were. Nothing matters to me more than you getting to live that apple pie life you always wanted. And I know I took that from you when I dragged you away from Stanford, but I’m trying to give it back to you. It’s what you deserve.”
Dean’s voice is getting weaker the longer he speaks, and each breath he takes in is slower than the one before. Every time he inhales, he has a brief moment of panic in which he prays for it to not be the last one. Sam’s trying his hardest not to cry, but there’s tears falling anyways, like rain pelting the roof of a car as it speeds down the highway. Their hands are shaking, one from pain and fear, the other from pure sadness.
“Dean, I can’t do this alone.”
“Yes, you can.”
“Well, I don’t want to.”
Dean laughs weakly, wincing at the pain that lances up his back. “You’ll never be alone Sammy, you know that. I’m never leaving you, I’ll always be right there with you. I promise.”
“If that were true, you wouldn’t be leaving me right now. I can feel you slipping away Dean, and honestly? I’m scared as hell. I need you with me, as my brother, as my best friend. I’ve never done it without you and I don’t want to start doing it now.”
Dean’s smile is filled with pain and sorrow. He drags his hand up to rest on his chest, layered overtop of Sam’s hand. He squeezes once, a gentle hug that he can’t give.
“It was always going to be this way Sammy, and in the end it’s all worthwhile. I’d die a hundred times if it meant you got to have the life you deserve, without all this monster stuff.”
“I love you so much Sam. My baby brother. Goodbye.”
One final breath out, and he’s gone, carried away into the wind like smoke from a campfire. The warmth seeping from his body is slowly replaced by the biting chill of the barn, but Sam doesn’t notice. His tears fall onto Dean’s jacket, like melted snowflakes. The rush of emotions consumes his entire soul, his legs getting weak until he’s slumped against Dean’s body, holding him tight.
He doesn’t want to let go, because he’s scared that if he does, Dean’s body will disappear into dust. His hands are shaking so bad he can barely hold on, fingers gripping Dean’s jacket as if it will bring him back. The finality of knowing that Dean won’t magically come back from this one strikes him full force in the chest. He collapses to his knees, curling protectively inwards as if he can save his heart from breaking in his chest. His sobs echo through the empty barn, the walls bouncing them back at him as if to mock him.
He always knew deep down that Dean would die first, but he thought he would be able to find a way to change that. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end, Sam thought. They were supposed to get old, and Castiel was supposed to be there with them, laughing alongside Dean. They were supposed to be a family, and Castiel was supposed to be the one to bury Dean, not Sam. They were supposed to retire, to become the mentors, to get far enough away they could finally know what safety felt like. Castiel was supposed to bury them both, because that’s what angels do. They outlive humans, and they love and hurt with them.
But Castiel was gone, taken away by the Empty. And now Dean was gone too, his body pinned upright by the rebar. Sam would have to wrap the body, build the pyre, and set it ablaze. It ended the way it did because it always will. Because the Winchesters were always doomed, and fate is not merciful. Because an angel who betrays Heaven will feel its wrath one way or another. Dean died first because it was aways going to end that way, no matter what they did to change it. Dean made a deal to bring Sam back because he was destined to feel the ground envelop him first, to see the inside of a pine box before anyone else. But most of all, it happened because parents are not supposed to outlive their children, and Dean will not outlive Sam.