Chapter Text
My gaze locks onto Tig as we walk towards the bar, he looks apprehensive but I ignore it, launching myself at him, he catches me effortlessly and we hug each other firmly, holding each other like we’ve been away at war. I look up at his face and give him a firm kiss, he returns the kiss with the same amount of passion, both of us getting lost in the contact of being back together. We both pull back, leaning our foreheads together, we both sigh and breathe in each other's breaths. After a moment, I see that Tig is about to speak up, I put my hand against his lips and whisper “We can deal with it when we get home, right now I just want to spend the evening with the man that I missed.” I look into his eyes, sparkling with love with a grin on his lips “Whatever you want Baby.”
He sits down on a stool pulling me with him, my back to his front as Sack makes us drinks, I cast my gaze to the right seeing Emily had immediately gone to Jax, I smirk and look up at Tig, he looks down at me puzzled, I nod in the direction of Jax and Emily who are sharing a beer and smiling at each other, Tig nods and leans down whispering “Told ya, love story brewin.” I nodded “Yep, lusting after each other since they laid eyes on each other.” He placed his chin on the top of my head, wrapping his arms around me “What did you do while I was gone?” he softly asked, I palmed my hands on his arms, loosely grasping without gripping “Mostly hung out with Chibs and Juice, what’d you do at Gem’s?” He tightened his grip, as if committing the feel of me into his memory, “Nothing much, she cooked, we smoked and drank a bit, watched the ball game as she pulled out her detective lamp and interrogated me about you and us.” I lightly chuckle, “Yea, I’ve been avoiding her for that reason.” He groaned “She mentioned that and proceeded to grill me about it.”
I got out from under his chin and kissed the underside of his jaw as I cooed “Aww my poor Baby, just wanted to have fun and got interrogated.” He nodded with a grumble “Yea babe, she wouldn’t drop it and at one point Clay joined in on the action, so it was two versus one.” I laughed “You really are laying it on thick, huh?” He shook his head “ I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’d be complaining too if you went through it.” I stilled, trying to not lash out, I felt Tig stiffen beneath me “I…didn’t” I shook my head “Don’t. We’re just gonna slide past it, I want to have this conversation privately, let's stop talking about today,” I proposed, trying to keep my tone light.
Both of our heads abruptly turn to Clay as he announces “We got a run to make.” I move to get off of Tig, Clay looks at me shaking his head “Don’t bother Pix, my sergeant is all yours tonight.” he stated with a wink before he and Jax walked out. Chibs strides over and sits on our left, a few seconds later Emily skulks over to our right, doing a perfect impression of Eeyore. I turn over to her sliding the bottle of bourbon towards her “Don’t worry sunshine, he always comes back.” She nods as she pours the bourbon into a shot glass, knocking it back immediately before closing the bottle and sliding them both away from her. About an hour passes of the four of us talking and bantering, I let out a deep yawn, stretching like a cat. “Fuck this, I’m ready to go to bed.” Tig nods, standing up, keeping me in his arms, he looks down at me “Home or Dorm?” I really don't feel like riding. “Dorm” he nods and begins walking us to the room “Wait, go back.” he sighs but complies I reach into my kutte “I almost forgot.” I say with a light laugh pulling out Emily’s prepaid that I had Juice set up earlier, I toss it to her, which she catches. I look over at her “Home or Here?” She mulls over her options, “I’d prefer home, but how am I gonna get there if you’re going to sleep?” I chuckle, throwing her my keys. Chibs,Tig and her have shocked expressions on their faces, their mouths in ‘O’s, I chuckle “I mean unless you don’t want to.” She shakes her head, “No, no I want to. I just didn’t expect it, yall’s bikes are basically like an attached appendage.” I nod “You’re right, our bikes are a big part of who we are. I’m trusting you with mine.” She smiles and bows with mock formality “I’ll take care of him, My liege.” The guys laugh, I smile as I shoot her a look, “I know you will. If not well, who knows what can happen to your precious mustang.” Her face hardens, I smile at the unnatural look on her face, I tap Tig’s arm signalling him that I’m ready to go to our room now. He nods and turns around, striding us to our room, we both holler back at the duo at the bar “Night!”
Tig unlocks and opens our door as we hear the duo yell their goodnights. He uses his boot to shut the door behind us, He walks over to the bed, gently placing me on it. I chuckle before standing up to begin the stripping process. We both take our kuttes off first, I walk next to him and bump my hip against his, reaching for his kutte, he gently smiles, placing the kutte in my hands. I turn to walk away from him, before I get out of his reach he lightly smacks my ass, I giggle softly as I hang our kuttes on the hooks. I strip my shirt and pants off as I walk back to him. I stop in front of him, shocked that he got undressed so quickly, he’s smirking down at me with his hands on his hips, my gaze bouncing around his bare body, taking in every firm muscle, absorbing every inch of him that I can, my eyes settle on his veiny hands that are propped on his hips, my gaze slightly shifting to his slight bulge in his boxers. He clears his throat above me with a small chuckle, I look up at him, his face smug as he rasps “See somethin you like?”
I shake my head, grazing my hand across his stomach before walking away, getting into my side of the bed. He huffs as he gets on his side, voicing his complaint “How are you gonna eye me like that and not even kiss me.” I grunt in acknowledgment before reaching over, turning the lamp off. He huffs louder, I ignore him and settle into the pillow. After a moment, I relax thinking that I’m in the clear, that is until I hear the click of the never-used lamp on his side of the bed. I huff in annoyance and snuggle further into the bed. I feel his hand grasp around the blanket “Seriously?” I allow his hand to pull the covers down from me, as I sit up, the blanket pooling around our waists. I stare blankly at the wall across from us, very enamored in the ‘Iron Maiden’ tapestry that I hung when I moved in. He sighs loudly “We have to talk about today.” I abruptly get up, grabbing my pack from my kutte. I stand in front of the bed, facing away from him as I light it up, taking a deep drag before replying “I don’t have anything to say.” I heard him scoff behind me, I ignore him and take another drag. “That’s not true and you know it.” He stated matter of factly, it was my turn to scoff with a shake of my head, his voice cutting through again “If it was true, you wouldn’t be facing away from me right now.” My whole body tenses, poised like a snake ready to strike, I grit my teeth before inhaling a deep breath, trying to relieve the tension in my body. His voice gentler but laced with frustration “Baby” no response from me, “Bethy” I slightly tilt my head towards him, two parts of me are fighting, one part just wants to kiss him and make up, the other part wants to burn it to ash.
My thoughts are swirling around my head so fast that I feel dizzy, I can’t focus on anything, every thought I have has a contradicting one that smacks the original one away. I hear Tig’s voice but it sounds miles away, like I’m deep under water and he’s somewhere on the surface. I flinch as I feel a gentle touch on my wrist, breaking me out of my chaotic brain, I keep my gaze to the ground, my shoulders sagging in shame. I desperately want to look up but my instincts won’t allow me too, my demons having a field day in my head, I shake my head furiously trying to get the thoughts away, I growl in frustration, feeling trapped in this feeling until I feel a firm squeeze on my wrist, accompanied by a gentle finger under my chin, guiding it towards him, “What’s going on?” I quickly reply with a smile, voice soft and assuring “Nothing Babe” he grasps my chin in his palm gently, a stark contrast to his firm tone “Bullshit.”
I pull away from him and begin pacing around the room huffing and puffing as I do. I hear the bed creak as he sits on the end of it, I hear his hands rubbing through his facial hair. “I didn’t mean to leave without a word,” he confesses with a slight strain in his voice. I puff on the cig I forgot I lit, my pace slowing slightly nodding for him to continue “Clay invited me and we were already out by the bikes, it slipped my mind.” I freeze in my spot. “By the time I remembered, you had already texted me.” He pauses, I can feel his gaze penetrating my skin “Say something,” his voice close to pleading. I open and close my mouth many times like a fish out of water, I shake my head and take a deep drag of my smoke. “Please” he begged, his hands clenching his thighs. I take another hit before muttering “I can’t,” he sucks in a breath “Why?” I turn, fully facing towards him but keeping my gaze on the floor, I breath in a shaky breath and try to talk, nothing comes out, I shake my head frustratedly as I suck the life out of the remainder of my cigarette, putting it out on the palm of my hand, I let out a relieved breath, dropping it on the floor hearing Tig’s concerned sharp inhale, he sits there motionless, probably regretting his life decisions.
I take a small step closer to him, gritting my teeth as I force myself to move, his eyes snap to my feet. I hastily grab another cig, lighting it with shaky hands, I take a deep drag as I take another step, the soles of our boots touching. I hold the smoke towards him, watching his face in my peripheral, his eyes coated in concern and guilt. He slowly reaches his hand towards mine, gently plucking the smoke from my nimble fingers and took a deep drag. I cleared all emotion from myself as I sat next to him, “My demons,” I mumbled, hoping that he’d understand what I’m trying to convey. He gives a slight nod as he exhales, holding it towards me, tipping his head in my direction. I swallow the lump in my throat, plucking the smoke, taking a drag as he responds “What’re they sayin’?” I grunt as I exhale a plume of smoke “Usual shit,” passing the cig back to him, he nods taking his hit, his left hand rubbing his face “You never talk about it,” he replies as he passes it back, lightly brushing my fingers with his. I take a breath “I don’t know how,” taking my hit, he sighs softly “You don’t want too,” I nod, my gaze on the bottom of the dresser in front of us, “Yea” I whisper in agreement. I lightly bump my arm against his, passing the cig back, he smiles softly as he plucks it, taking a drag getting lost in his thoughts.
A cone of silence envelops the room before he passes the cig back, voicing his thoughts unsurely “The demons. Are they making you sad or mad?” I clench and unclench my jaw “Both,” I puff on the cig getting lost in my own thoughts, wondering why he hasn’t run for the hills yet, and why a part of me wants him too. His voice cuts through the fog, softly bumping his thigh against mine “At me?” I slowly shake my head “Partly,” I take another hit, before passing it back. He takes his hit, stating with a nod “You’re protecting me,” passing the cig back. I nod, taking the final puff “Wouldn’t phrase it like that.” He turns towards me, his right knee bent with his left planted on the floor,“Why not?” I shake my head “If I was, you wouldn’t have that look in your eyes.” He cocks his head to the side, his brows furrowed in confusion, I scoff “Like I’ve killed your puppy.” He shakes his head with a frown “I can’t control the look in my eyes, it doesn't mean anything.” I clench my jaw “You don't fucking get it,” I huff shaking my head, trying to contain my anger. He lets out a frustrated grunt “I’m fucking tryin’ too, but you’re being all cryptic.” I laugh darkly “I have to be fucking cryptic,” stomping away from him, slamming my hands on the dresser.
I feel the embers stoke within me, red hot fire coursing through my veins fiercely breaking through my attempted containment. I turn towards him with a scowl, my eyes blazing as I shout “THIS IS FUCKING WHY! I’VE ALREADY SNAPPED AT SOMEONE TODAY!” Tig’s own eyes blaze with fury, “SO WHAT! IF YOU’RE MAD ACT LIKE IT! STOP TRYING TO PRETEND LIKE YOU AREN'T!" I lick my tongue across the top of my teeth, hastily grabbing my clothes, putting them on angrily. He scoffs “REALLY, YOU’RE JUST GONNA AVOID THIS!” I bit on my bottom lip forcefully, closing my eyes, trying to calm down. I step towards him menacingly as our door flies open.
Tig and I both turn to it with matching glares, seeing Emily and Chibs standing there wearing identical faces of disapproval. “Perfect timing, I’m leaving.” I growl as I move to pass the duo at the door, Chibs catches my arm firmly “Ye aren’t goin anywhere.” I look at him with pure anger “Let me go.” He sighs, tightening his grip, gritting through his teeth “No.” I clench my fists, arms shaking violently, I feel Emily look at me before she speaks up “Maybe we shouldn’t push her.” Chibs shakes his head, responding sternly “No, I know wha’ this is, an’ space is tha las’ thing she needs, even if she won’ admit it.” I jerk my arm out of his grasp “I’m right here, don’t talk like I’m not,” walking back into the room, leaning against the dresser, Tig is sitting on the bed bouncing his leg.
Chibs and Emily enter the room, softly shutting it behind them. Emily stays near Chibs who has placed himself a good distance away from Tig and I but somehow in the middle of the room. I look at my boots, ignoring the glances of the duo as they look from me to Tig frantically. Chibs sighs loudly “Ye two are actin’ like children,” I remained silent while Tig scoffed, Chibs looked at him expectantly “Go on.”
Emily nervously tapped her fingers, the faint sound registering in my ears. I glanced at her with softened eyes “You don’t need to be here for this, go wait at the bar.” She shook her head about to refute, I spoke back up “I’m serious, this is just gonna stress you out. We’ll be fine, promise.” She looked at me skeptically, I gave her a small smile, she cast her gaze to the two men who both nodded with small smiles. She let out a huff boring her gaze into mine, firmly warning “Fine, but if I hear yelling or stuff breaking, I’m coming back.” I nodded, “I’d expect nothing less.” She reluctantly nodded, before exiting the room.
The smile fell from my face the second she left, Chibs noticed and sighed “Wha’ tha feck is tha problem?” Tig shook his head throwing his hands up exasperatedly “I’ve been trying to get that answer for the last twenty minutes.” I remained impassive, just staring blankly at nothing. “Is tha’ true?” I tucked my chin slightly in confirmation.
“She won’t confront the problem, keeps tap dancing around it, I got frustrated.” Tig admitted, his voice softer than moments ago and laced with something raw. In the corner of my eye I saw Chibs nod, feeling Tig’s eyes on me, Chibs’ voice was stern and protective as he responded to Tig “I understand tha’ she’s frustrating at times, it’s like pullin’ teeth. But under no circumstances can ye yell at ‘er.” I turned my head slightly to see Chibs’ eyes searing into Tig’s, Tig nodded with confusion written all over his face. Chibs looks away from Tig to glance at me “Lovie?” I shift my weight with a subtle shake of my head still trying to reign in my emotions, seeing him nod in response looking back at Tig. He exhaled deeply, running his hands through his hair, sitting on Tig’s right.
Chibs looked at me for permission, I turned towards them leaning on the side of the dresser and gave him a thumbs up, pulling out a cig and tossing the pack towards them, Tig caught it with a small smirk, the corner of my mouth upturned mid-inhale, staring at the wood floor. Chibs took a drag before he began, “Yelling is a trigger fer ‘er, mostly when she’s already wound up.” I flinched slightly, playing with the cigarette in my fingers.
“Fuck, I didn’t realize,” hearing the slight break in Tig’s voice tore my heart in two, the voice in my head taunting me, telling me that I’m ruining him. I shake my head muttering under my breath defeatedly “Shut up.” Chibs is up like lightning, his worried face appears in my eyeline clearing the fog, his hand holds the back of my head. I exhale deeply “Sorry.” Chibs nudged my forehead with his as he stood up, gently lifting me into his arms, “Ye’ve nothin’ ta apologize fer,” he assured with a gentle yet firm voice, leaving a soft kiss on my cheek.
He sat back in his previous spot, he removed his arm from under my legs, nudging them towards Tig’s lap. A small smile on my face, slowly stretching my legs across his lap, Tig watched for my reaction as he slowly placed his hands over my legs. I took a drag of my smoke, looking away from his gaze feeling vulnerable. Chibs leaned my head towards his chest before wrapping his right arm around me, his hand resting on my stomach. His other hand holding his smoke hanging off my lap while inquiring “Wha’ was tha cause o’ tha’ one?” I took a drag of my smoke, the fingers of my left hand rubbing against each other incessantly, Tig started slowly rubbing my legs soothingly helping me relax. I take a deep breath, the comfort grounding me enough to admit in a small voice “My thoughts just kept taunting me, saying that I’m ruining him, shit like that.” I nestle further into Chibs’ chest, hiding my face, wishing I could just disappear.
“It’s not true, Baby.” I slightly lift my head, studying his blue eyes, his earlier frustration absent, only sincerity. I pull my head up fully, gazing down at my lap while taking a drag of my smoke, “It is. I can’t have a simple conversation with you. I’ve turned the situation today into a goddamn exploding volcano.” I replied with no emotion, taking another drag, I felt Chibs rest his chin on my head while Tig shook his head in disagreement,“It’s not all on you, I should’ve done a lot of things differently today.” He paused, taking a drag of his smoke, looking down at my legs in shame “I’m sorry for yelling at you.” I nudged his stomach with my knee making him look back at me “Don’t. I yelled first.” He grasped my knee firmly “Doesn’t matter.” It was my turn to shake my head “You didn’t know.” He took another drag, his palm running down his face “I should’ve. You’ve told me a good bit, you even talked about it when you confronted Clay…I should have known.”
“Stop” I refute. His eyes hardened boring into mine “Baby, no.” My lip quivered at the swelling emotions within me while I explained “You can’t blame yourself, I didn’t tell you what triggers me, you’re not a mind reader.” His eyes glistened with slight tears with a frown on his face, “I should’ve known or at least had the thought. I know about belts, yelling should’ve been obvious to me.” I squeezed my eyes shut trying to quell the tears, Chibs tucked my head further under his chin, his hand soothingly rubbing my side as Tig softly caressed my leg. I tearfully chuckled, “How did you know about belts?” taking a drag, he nodded thoughtfully “Well, I saw the scars when you boxed, then when I undid my belt later that night, I saw you tense up until it was out of my hands.” I felt Chibs nod above me, his chin bumping my head, I smiled softly as a tear escaped my eye which Tig wiped away gently with his thumb, “You’re really observant.” He smiled, stroking my cheek, “Especially when it comes to you.” Chibs softly chuckled at the cheesy comment.
A moment of silence passed before Chibs’ soft voice broke it reminding us “Now, ye need ta talk abou’ today.” I sighed with a playful whine “Do I have too?” Tig and Chibs both rumbled chuckles, “Aye, ye have ta” I nodded, maneuvering out of their collective grips, they both instinctively tightened their holds on me, halting my movement. I rolled my eyes, “I’m not running away, I just want to change positions.” They both eyed each other then me, I felt both of their grips loosen and I stood up with a long stretch. I looked back at them, both of their eyes attentively on me. I chuckled, motioning to the bed “I was thinking we would sit up against the pillows.” They nodded in sync, Tig getting up, settling into his spot as Chibs unlaced his boots as I settled in next to Tig, both of our legs under the blanket. Chibs stood, walking over to my side of the bed, I glanced at Tig in question, he caught my glance with a smile and a firm nod of assent, I beamed at him before eying Chibs,“Get comfortable, Mister.”
Chibs chuckled, pulling the blanket back, about to sit, I smacked his hand playfully, tilting my head at him, he looked at me in confusion before the understanding flashed across his face, he glanced at Tig who nodded in confirmation. I scoffed loudly with an eyeroll “Men.” They both glared at me as Chibs began stripping, I shook my head playfully “Stop looking at me like that, It’s not like you two are gonna be cuddling.” They both rolled their eyes as Chibs slid in next to me, albeit apprehensively, he got settled and I glanced at him, grabbing his arm,pulling him closer so he wasn’t half hanging off the bed anymore. I was snuggly tucked into both of their sides, I playfully shimmied against them, making us all break out into laughs.
Tig placed his hand on my thigh, lightly clutching it as he spoke “So about today…” I sighed in reluctance, not wanting to break our content bubble that we had created. Chibs placed his hand on mine “Jus’ be honest, love” lightly squeezing my fingers, I took a deep breath, sliding my right hand under the blanket to rest on top of Tig’s while admitting “I uhh was kind of hurt, when I realized you left without saying anything.” I felt Tig’s hand tighten around my thigh while he responded with an ashamed tone, “I didn’t realize it, an hour had passed when I saw your text. When I realized I didn’t tell you, it felt like a punch to the gut. That’s when I called you.” I tapped my fingers on his hand, “I don’t want you to beat yourself up over it. It’s just my thoughts spiraled, I thought that I made you feel like I didn’t want you around or something.” His thumb caressed my thigh soothingly “You have never made me feel like that. I was just already near my bike when Clay and Gem invited me, I have a one track mind sometimes.” I was busy gathering my thoughts as Chibs spoke up “I told ‘er tha’, she was side tracked with me an’ Juicey' when she realized ye were missing.”
I nodded with a slight frown, “I didn’t think you’d leave without telling me… I thought you were hanging out with Bobby. Juice informed me that you were at Clay's, that's when I spiraled.” I paused, taking a shaky breath “I always tell you when I’m leaving, and I always call you when I go somewhere else than where I originally told you.” I feel my lip tremble while tears form in my eyes. “I just…Fuck. It hurts that you didn’t do the same.” I croaked, my head falling forward.
“Shit, BabyDoll. I am so fucking sorry.” he replied with a shaky voice gently grasping my chin, tilting my face towards him, his own teary eyes locking with mine “You are my top priority, always.” He leaned his forehead on mine “I’ll do better. I promise.” I nodded against him, gently pecking his lips “Okay,” I replied with a small smile as I pulled back. “Ye two are so cute” Chibs playfully teased with a bright smile, I elbowed his ribs sharply “Shut up.” We collectively chuckled until Tig curiously inquired “What was that about you snapping today?” I nervously tapped my fingers, sheepishly admitting “Yea I did kinda snap.” Chibs nudged my shoulder with his, a confused look on his face “Wha’?”
Tig stared at Chibs, his face scrunching up “The fuck, I thought you’d have known.” Chibs breathed deeply, gritting his teeth “Apparently not.” I shrunk down into the bed, only to be grasped on both sides and pulled right back up, both of them nudging me so I’d turn around, I let them move me, now sitting in front of them. They both moved closer to each other so I wouldn’t have to strain my neck looking between them, once they got settled I sprawled out my legs, draping them over their laps. I looked at both of their expectant faces before nodding “Okay so Chibs, you remember Emily dragging me off of you?” Tig looked at Chibs who nodded his confirmation, and looked back at me while I continued, “Heh yea, so she dragged me to the bathroom.”
Both of their faces morphing into disgust, I chuckled lightly, “Yea, I made that face too, she said it was the only private place she could think of…Anyway, she was rattled about something, and she was taking ages to spit it out, also the bruise on my arm is from her in case you were wondering.” I said nodding towards the purple marks in the shape of fingers on my left bicep, they both sharply inhaled, I waved them off with a proud smile,“Yea she’s got python grip, I didn’t know she had that much strength.” They both voiced their concern at the same time “Does it hurt Baby?” “Ye need somethin’ fer it?” I smiled, touched by their concern replying nonchalantly, “Nah, this aint nothin.” They both scoffed, making me playfully chide, “Stop being in sync.” They both nodded with laughs before Tig reminded “Back to the story.”
“Right, so she was taking forever and there was a really long pause, that’s when you called me Babe.” They both nodded in acknowledgement as Chibs disapproving voice questioned “Ye answered tha phone durin a heart ta heart?” I shook my head, getting defensive, “It wasn’t a damn heart to heart, it was her ranting, ten minutes of silence had gone by when he called, Thank you very much.” I huffed a breath, annoyed that he thought I’d do that.
Chibs held his hands up in surrender “How was I supposed ta know tha’? Ye haven’ told us wha’ ye were talking abou’.” I looked from him to Tig who was nodding in agreement. I furrowed my brows pointing at both of them,“It's none of your business.” They both scoffed before asking sarcastically, “Since when?” “Ye lovie, ye always tell me everything.” I looked at them both with a tilt of my head, tapping a finger on my chin, “Oh is that right?” They both nodded with triumphant smiles, I nodded at them with a smirk,“Cool, so I’m gonna go and tell Emily every single thing I can think of about both of you.” Both of their faces paled, sputtering, making me laugh “Yea, thats what I fuckin’ thought.”
After a moment they both returned to normal, nodding for me to continue. “Right, so I answered the phone, and it was fine for a bit, until Tig heard Emily chuckle in the background and his protectiveness flared.” Tig let out a breath “I couldn’t recognize who it was, since I could barely hear it. Then you put me on speaker and I talked to Doc for a moment.” I nodded letting him continue as I lit up another cig. “She asked me where I was, I answered, that’s when you took me off of speaker and told me that I didn’t tell you that I was leaving with a quiver in your voice.” I nodded ashamed, taking a deep drag passing it to him as he continued “I was thinking about how to respond when your voice cut through saying nevermind.” I nodded slightly, the emotions threatening to come back to the surface. He took a deep drag, passing it over to Chibs who had been listening attentively while he continued, “I tried to get you to let me explain but you wouldn't have it. I got frustrated that you were just gonna leave it unsettled. My anger was flaring, that’s why I gave in and just said ‘Alright’, then I heard your sarcastic ‘Wow, I fucking love you too’, I tried to say it back but you hung up.” He explained looking into my eyes, that are averted from him. Chibs held the cig out to me, making my gaze snap up and pluck it desperately, taking a long drag.
Chibs shot me a look “Ye wanna ta explain wha’ happened?” I sigh “Not particularly, but I will,” looking at Tig’s concerned face. I pass the cig to him while I speak “Okay, so I was already kind of on edge about the situation, remember?” Chibs nodded in confirmation. “Yea so then, I was kind of more on edge when I got into the bathroom, but for a completely different reason.” I pause as Chibs takes his hit and passes it back to me while Tig queries “Why Baby?” I take a hit passing it back to him “She was all shaken up, vulnerable an’ shit. She was looking at me like I held the secret of the universe or something…Fucking everyone does that.” I scowl as I look at both of their faces, knowing smiles on their lips. I shake my head with a scoff,“I don’t know why. That mushy shit makes me uncomfortable, I’m not the one to go to for that…Whatever, so we go back to talking about the original topic. Later on, I facepalm as a reaction to something she did.” They both furrow their brows waiting for me to finish, I take a deep breath admitting “So yea, then she assumes shit based on that reaction.” They both sharply inhale muttering curses, I frown ashamed “So you can guess what happened after that.”
Chibs and Tig eye each other as Tig hands me the last of the cig, I take a grateful drag and hand it back to Tig so he can stub it in the ashtray as Chibs voices his thoughts “Ye are good with advice an’ things. Ye don’ bullshite an’ placate people. Ye tell them wha’ ye think straight up. Ye aren’t good at confiding in people, but yer great at being confided in.” He pauses glancing between me and Tig, Tig nods in agreement, I feel their eyes boring into my soul, I nod for him to continue, my disagreement clear on my face. Chibs sighs, placing his hand on my knee as I had moved into a criss-cross position. “I can tell ye don’ believe it. Think about today with Juicey.” he reminds firmly, Tig shoots him a look of confusion, Chibs leans towards Tig and whispers to him the cliff notes as I get lost in my thoughts.
After a moment Chibs speaks up again “It’s just who ye are. There’s a reason why people gravitate towards ye, an’ it’s not jus’ because of yer witty comments.” I softly chuckle at that, looking into his face before looking at Tig, “He’s right, there's no pressure with you, we can be our whole selves around you. Everyone looks at you like that, because in a way, you do hold the key to the world. You think that you always fuck up or say the wrong thing, but you don’t.” He paused gently grasping my chin in his hands, “You are so fucking smart and no matter how much you try to hide it or pretend that it isn’t, you’ve got a big heart. We all can feel it.” He finished with a sincere smile, leaning towards me and leaving a firm kiss on my forehead. My eyes water as I smirk “Shit” I look up to both of their faces, their smiles so warm and sincere that the tears spill out of my eyes as I mutter “Dammnit.”
They both come closer and wrap their arms around me, tucking me into them, I feel their shoulders slightly shake, their breaths quietly stuttering. I decide fuck it and continue talking “Yea anyways so I snapped at Emily, we resolved it and everything but yea that sucked.” I heard their broken chuckles above me, their tears falling into my hair.
I took a deep breath “Alright to the final point of the evening.” We all pulled away, but stayed close enough to still have physical contact. They both have puzzled expressions until Tig grunts in recognition “Your anger.” Chibs nods in understanding, I softly chuckle “So observant” They both smile, gesturing me to continue “Fuck, how do I explain it.” Chibs quirks an eyebrow at me in question, I tilt my head at him, shrugging my shoulders. He nods as he remarks cheekily “Obviously she has anger issues.” Tig and I chuckle as he replies “Oh yea.” I scowl at him but can’t hold it, giving him a small smile as Chibs continues “When she gets ta a certain point, she cannae contain it, especially if she’s triggered.” I shrink slightly in shame, biting my lip. Tig’s hand caresses my bottom lip, making me release it, he gives me a small smile as he assures “You don’t have to be ashamed of it, I’ve got anger issues too.” I smile softly looking at Chibs, silently asking if he is done speaking, he nods, grasping my knee. I clear my throat before I admit in a distant voice “It gets bad, when I snap or lash out I metaphorically go for your jugular. Any weakness, any button I can press, I will.” I shake my head “That's why I shut down. When we were yelling at each other, I felt it spike, I was desperately trying to contain it, if I didn’t, I’d never forgive myself.” He nods in acknowledgement “It didn’t help that I was antagonizing you.” I shook my head “You’re allowed to have feelings too.” He nodded with a smile “You’re right, let’s be better.” I nodded back solemnly,
I cast my gaze to Chibs who looked lost in thought, his face in a frown, I absorbed his expression, jolting in recognition of the memory he’s recalling. I frown, placing my hand on his on my knee. Tig looks at me concerned, I shake my head, looking into Chibs’ eyes that are brimming with unshed tears, my frown deepens I softly call out to him “Chibby” no response , I try again “Love” his eyes dart to mine for a second before darting away. I clear my throat and try again “m' anam” (my soul) His eyes lock onto mine, the tears spilling down his cheeks, my own eyes spilling over. I launch myself at him bawling, “I'm so sorry.” his voice hoarse as he replies, “I know ye are.” I push my forehead against his, as I drawled, voice thick with emotion “I swear, I didn't mean it.” He taps his forehead against mine as he croaks, his own voice breaking “I know, it jus’ brought tha memory back up.” I hugged him tighter, whimpering pathetically “I’m so sorry” he sucked in a breath reassuring me “It’s alright” I shake my head, sobbing “It’s not. I carry that shame everyday.” he shakes his head “Ye shouldn’.” I pull back from him, wiping his eyes with my sleeve, firmly replying “I should and I do.” He huffs with a scowl “I don’ wan’ ye too.” I give him a lopsided smile “Not your choice.” We settle back into the bed, Tig looking at both of us with concern and confusion, I look at Chibs, he gives a small nod, as he lays down fully, I also start laying down, and Tig does the same.
We all get comfortable and stare at the ceiling for a moment before I quietly mutter, voice still thick with emotion, stuttering through my words “I… fuck…I…lashed out at Chibs once.” I took a deep breath, the memory whirling around my brain, it feels like a knife in my heart as I continued “it’s the only regret I have.” Chibs grasped my hand firmly as he croaked “I knew tha’ she didn’ mean it” Tig nodded, grasping my other hand before firmly grunting “Doesn’t make it hurt any less.” More tears flooded out of my eyes as I bawled in agreement “That’s my point.” Chibs scoffs, thumb stroking my hand “Aye, it hurts but, ye’ve taken accountability, I know how much ye care ‘bout me.”
The tears keep spilling out, I frustratedly wipe at them with my arms, but they won't stop. “Hey, stop it.” Tig states firmly, pulling my arms away from my face, looping it with his, his voice sounding hoarse “You haven’t let yourself feel it, have you?” I feel both of their grips tighten at my silence, “No” I breathe with a small quiver in my voice. Chibs lets out a breath, sternly questioning with his voice laced with slight betrayal “Why didn’ ye tell me?” I huff “Why would I bring up something that broke you.” He sits up, pulling me and Tig who is grasping me, up with him. He moves in front of me, sitting down, he pulls me into his lap as Tig releases my arm, once I get settled, he palms the sides of my face firmly as he replies “Do ye trust me?” I look into his eyes, shocked at the redundant question, my eyes harden as I confirm solemnly “Completely” he nods with a gasp as a tear escapes his eye, questioning with a break in his voice “Then, why didn’ ye tell me?” I sputter, shaking my head, his hands holding my face firmer, not letting me look away as he grits his teeth, his voice almost a growl “Why, didn’t ye tell me?”
I feel Tig prepare to intervene, I give him a thumbs up with my right hand , he huffs and relaxes. Tears spill out of my eyes while I reply with a strained, shaky voice “I was scared.” His thumbs start stroking circles on my cheeks, wiping the tears away as he does, his voice softer now “Why?” I took a deep breath and tried to respond but the words wouldn’t form. His voice softened as he coos “Why were ye scared ta tell me love?” I began to shake in his grasp. “I” I take a breath “I di” Tig leans towards me whispering “Baby, do you need to tap out?” Chibs and I both look at him as I reply “No” He reluctantly nods, pulling my chin towards him planting a firm kiss to my lips before leaning away. I breathe deeply “I was scared you were gonna leave.” Chibs choked on a sob, his voice breaking severely “I’d never leave ye. Ye know tha.” More tears spill out “I didn’t.”
Chibs’ face morphs into a hurt expression, his hands going slack against my face as he whispers quietly “Wha.” I palm his face, desperate for him to understand where I’m coming from. Tears steadily spilling out of my eyes, I can’t even see his face, my eyes are so blurry, “When it happened, I thought that was the end.” I heard Chibs’ sob burst from him, I wrapped my arms around his head as he dropped it into the crook of my neck, his arms wrapping around my middle tightly. Both of us were brokenly sobbing. He bawled “I couldn’ leave ye, not there.” I felt his shoulders shake roughly “I’m so sorry Filip” his arms tightened around me in response. I rubbed my hand through his hair, the other one firmly holding his back. “I was always expecting you to leave” I admit somberly, his face tilting up to me, his eyes red and shiny with tears “Ye wha’ ?” I nodded with a tremble of my lip, fresh tears filling my eyes. “Oh, Lovie” he cooed, raising his head all the way up, pulling my head into his neck, his strong hand stroking the back of my head. “Why ‘ave ye never told me this?” I bawled into his neck, reaching my right arm out and behind me towards Tig, he immediately grasped my wrist with one hand, the other slowly stroked up and down my arm. “I’m still scared” I bawled, thumping my head against Chibs’ chin. I whimpered “It’s stupid, I know. I’ve known you more than half of my life and I still expect to be thrown out like garbage.”
Both men broke into sobs, their voices breaking, breaths stuttering. I pulled the arm that was grasped in Tig’s out of his grasp gently before pulling his head towards my chest. My hand stroking through his curls. Chibs spoke above me “I just wish, ye’d ‘ave told me, tha’ ye feel like tha’.” I took a deep breath, gently pecking Tig’s head before looking up at Chibs “I wanted to. Every time I tried, the words wouldn't form.” Chibs nodded, firmly kissing my forehead “I will never throw ye out. Yer stuck with me.” I sniffled “I know. It’s just hard to believe.” Chibs furrowed his brow “Wha’ d’ya mean?” Tig's head popped up too, looking at me perplexed. I took a deep breath, stroking Tig’s curls “JT” I clarified, or at least I thought I did but their faces scrunched up further in confusion, Tig turned to me “What about him?”
I blinked my eyes “He uh. He would sporadically visit, dump a bunch of philosophy bullshit on me and comforting words. You know, let me feel the light, the warmth, that he carried before he left me in the cold bitter darkness." They both sigh “Yea, quite a hand I was dealt, huh.” I jest, voice laced with sadness. Chibs looks into my eyes thoughtfully. “So tha’s why ye think people will leave ye.” I nod “Yep, I'm quite a catch. Not just that, I make everybody miserable! Woohoo go me!” Chibs smacks me upside the head as he scolds “None o’ tha’ is true.” I scoff “Whatever. But yea, that’s why I didn’t tell you. Why I didn’t mention the lashing out thing, after our first small talk about it.” Chibs nodded in understanding as he replied “I get it, I jus’ hate tha’ ye’ve been walking around with tha’ pain this whole time.”
I waved him off. “Pain is all I've ever known, it doesn't affect me.” Tig and Chibs both scoff, shaking their heads as I continue “I’m serious, kindness, love, and comfort feels like how a belt lash would feel to you.” Their eyes widen, shocked at my nonchalant tone, Tig eyes me skeptically “Are you serious?” I nod “Why would I lie about that?” He nods as he voices his next thought “But wait, When I touch you or Chibs does, what do you feel?” I tilt my head in thought “Good? I mean obviously I have different reactions to the both of you, but the common ones are like safe, grounding, comforting.” Tig nods as Chibs seems lost in thought. “What's got your gears turning Chibby?” He looks at me “Tig’s obviously an exception to tha rule, but wha’ if one of tha other members touched ye in some way like a fist pump or a hug?” I pondered his question “I think it depends on who it is and what touch.” I replied thoughtfully , he nodded “Alrigh’ so let’s say Opie initiates a hug.” I scrunch up my face “Definite No.” Chibs nods “Why?” I look at him in disbelief as I reply “I don’t know him.” Tig speaks up next “Jax, same scenario.” I tilt my head “I think No.” Tig tilts his head “You two have hugged.” I shake my head “Not like that, we’ve side hugged or that quick hug after the boxing match.” Tig smiles “Exactly so what's the difference?”
I shake my head at him “Well the side hug was after we almost fought because of the whole his dad is my father thing. The quick hug is just what you do after a friendly boxing match.” I paused for a moment gathering my thoughts, “I understand the confusion, I have to get close with someone to be comfortable with them touching me, even then Im not a fan of physical contact.” Chibs rubbed his chin in thought, a sly smirk playing on his lips “Ye weren’t close with Tig when ye two started getting all touchy feely.” I let out a scoff, looking into Tig’s face that’s beaming with satisfaction, a grin on his lips. I furrow my brow in thought as I concede “Huh, you’re right.” Chibs chuckles as Tig’s face lights up even more as he remarks “You called it Chibs, she does have a soft spot for me.” I shook my head as I reply “Great, now his ego is getting big.” I chuckle before I mumble “But yea, he’s the exception. I don’t know, I think it was the look in his eyes.”
Tig tilted his head in confusion with slight humor “What look? You are obsessed with my eyes BabyDoll.” I roll my eyes as I reply with a smile “What can I say, they’re breathtaking.” Tig scoffs as his cheeks are lightly dusted in crimson. I steadily look into his mesmerizing, slightly dilated baby blue eyes, I get lost in the warm intense feeling of his gaze, I lean forward as if hypnotized, investigating the coloring of his eyes more closely than I ever have. I feel his breath fan against my mouth as I shiver, tilting my head as I watch his eyes dart down from my scrutinizing gaze. I feel his lips barely brush against mine, a soft press that makes warmth ignite through my body. As soon as I began to deepen it, he pulled back with a smirk as he teased “What were you saying about my eyes?” I scowled annoyed as I grumbled “Not gonna tell ya now.”
Chibs clears his throat after a long yawn, rising from the bed “I’ll leave ye two crazy kids to it.” I nodded standing up, holding my arms out to him. He smiled, hugging me tightly to him, leaving a kiss on my cheek before whispering “Ye alrigh’ now?” I nodded against him, whipsering back “Are you?” I felt him nod “Aye, lovie” I hesitated “So we’re good?” he softly chuckled, tightening his grasp for a moment before pulling back. I looked into his soft brown eyes, filled with warmth, matching the gentle smile he wore. His voice firm as he answers “Always, m’ anam” I nodded, leaning forward firmly pecking his forehead muttering “gaol agad ort, gus a-màireach” (Until tomorrow, love you) I pulled away with a soft smile, shooting him a wink as I got settled back into bed. He gathered his clothes, slipping on his boots, as he strode to the doorway pausing as he opened it, he looked over at me with a wink “tha, gaol dhut” (Aye, love you) I winked back as he exited the room, gently closing the door behind him with a soft click.