Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Hikari called after class had ended for the day, "Ikari, can I please see you before you leave?"

Shinji paused as he packed up to confirm Hikari was speaking to him. "Uh, sure." He uttered to her.

As the class filed out, Toji stopped by Shinji's desk. "What did you do, Ikari?" He asked.

Shinji shook his head as his eyes scanned the room. "I… I don't know…" Shinji's eyes found Asuka as she was leaving the room. The redhead paused only briefly before exiting, not looking back at Shinji at all. He sighed with disappointment that it seemed she didn't consider him at all.

Once the room was vacated Hikari came to Shinji with the gradebook. "Okay," she said in an exhausted breath, readying herself for this conversation. Hikari then asked, "Ikari, when's the last time you looked at your grades?"

Shinji was sheepish, "Um… well…. Not recently…" In truth Shinji had been flying more or less by autopilot. He completed his assignments but otherwise didn't really concern himself with doing well. After all, Misato didn't seem really concerned about the specifics of his grades.

"Okay." Hikari uttered, then seated herself beside Shinji in the vacated desks. She took a breath before saying, "Shinji, you're in danger of failing the class."

"What? H-how?"

Hikari affected an apologetic tone. "Im sorry, but your latest essay assignment was incomplete. Before that, two of your tests were below passing, also. I understand you're an Evangelion pilot, and that this…" she averted her eyes, "Really isn't important… but," she looked back at him, "We don't have any rules to give you special treatment. I'm sorry."

Shinji swallowed as he also wondered how Misato would respond to this. "Will…. Will I be expelled?"

Hikari smiled. "It's not that drastic… but…" she said, "It means certain privileges would be rescinded. You would need to meet with me on a regular basis during the week for special assignments until your grades improve."

Shinji bobbed his head. That was a consequence he could live with. "Okay."

"Do you want help?" She asked him.

He turned to look at her. "W-what?"

"Do you want my help?" She repeated, "I'm more than happy to tutor you to help you bring your grades up."

Shinji considered her, but then looked away. "You don't have to do that." He knew she was only doing this out of obligation. At best, it was only for appearances.

"Well," Hikari replied, "What if… I want to? it would make me happy to help you." When Shinji's disbelieving gaze looked her way, she smiled and said, "Being class rep is a volunteer position, Shinji. And part of that responsibility is helping students succeed. I want to help you, if you'll let me!"

To be helped, Shinji thought. He had not considered himself worthy of that help in the past, a wretch like him? But… if it made her happy, he couldn't say no. "O-okay," he said, "What would I need to do?"

Smiling, Hikari said, "We will need to arrange some one-on-one time so I can help you with your assignments.”

"Do we start…today?"

Hikari laughed, "No, not today, I need time to rearrange my schedule. I want to begin tomorrow, and we meet every Tuesday and thursday? We can stay after school here, or meet after at one of our houses. Whichever is easiest."

"Okay… which do you prefer?"

Hikari smiled. "Im pretty flexible right now Shinji, which is best for you?"

Shinji blinked as he was having a hard time answering her. He didn't know which he felt was best. He blinked again as he tried to consider the others in his household and that quickly decided for him; he didn't want Misato or Asuka to rib him over his inability to function in school. Worse would be if they found out he was going to a girls house. "U-uhm… I think meeting here is probably best."

"Okay." Hikari nodded firmly. "Let's plan to stay back an hour to start focusing on your work."

"An hour? Does it really need to be that long?"

"I'm afraid so Shinji," Hikari said as she stood from the desk, "You should give yourself time to work. Too short and it won't sink in."

Shinji sighed. "Okay." He pushed himself out if the chair. "I'll see you after school? Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow." Hikari replied as she finished packing, "Have a good day, Shinji."

Into the brambles

Norsehound

Book I: Acquaintance

Shinji thought about his situation as he made his way back home from school. Before this he had been only a mediocre student because not much was expected of him. He was not particularly ambitious or driven to any goals, he just was. He fulfilled all that was asked of him in order to be left alone.

Here though, excellence was demanded of him. Be an excellent pilot, an excellent student…. An excellent man. If it wasn't for the sake of the people making these asks of him, he would have bulked at their expectations. Shinji, though, wanted companionship, as much as he would deny it. And now the class rep was one of these people pushing him to be better than he was.

Shinji finally passed through the door into his guardian's apartment. "I'm home!" He shouted. Some one answered, but it was too far away for Shinji to tell who it was. He left his shoes by the door and headed into the apartment.

Entering the kitchen he set his bag down and sighed before getting himself a glass of water. He nearly dropped it when Asuka asked from behind him, "So what did Hikari want?"

Taking a breath to calm himself down, Shinji half turned to answer her, "U-um… she wanted to talk to me about my grades."

"Your grades? Why? Are you failing or something?"

Shinji looked back at the sink. "Actually, it looks like I am."

Asuka blinked with surprise. At first a look of concern was on her face, but another look of smug haughtiness replaced it. "Well, well, well," she out her hands on her hips, "I guess the prodigal Shinji-sama isn't so perfect after all, huh."

"I never said I was." Shinji uttered.

"What was that?"

"N-nothing." Shinji replied and finished his glass. "I'm going to my room now." He said as he grabbed his satchel, suddenly unwilling to be her verbal punching bag.

"You know," she said as he passed, "You could have asked me for help. I DO have a university degree, you know."

And be teased every time you helped me? Shinji wondered. "Ah… no, it's all right. I wouldn't want to trouble you."

Asuka scowled. "Hmf." She said and crossed her arms. "Suit yourself. See if I offer any favors for you in the future."

Sure. Shinji dismissed. He said nothing as he left the kitchen and went to his room to close the door. He did not catch Asuka's huff of irritation.

Hikari suppressed a shiver of nervousness as she worked on dinner alone. She had been somewhat shaky all afternoon, ever since the meeting with Shinji.

She was disgusting.

Not that she didn't want to help Shinji, what she said then was still true. But pushing to make sure these tutoring sessions would happen served her ulterior motive just as well as her altruistic one.

She wanted to get closer to Toji without being super obvious, since providing him with lunch from the extra ingredients was going nowhere. Tutoring Shinji, she rationalized, would help her with this. She would be able to ask questions about Toji on the sly under the general guise of knowing how Shinji's day was going. She might be able to spend some time with Toji if she managed to get closer to Shinji also.

Hikari had also focused on Shinji, rather than the questionable class performance of Kensuke, because Shinji was less likely to pick up on Hikari's real motivations. Kensuke was also more likely to tease for teasing's sake, and the last thing she needed was a spotlight on the one nefarious thing she had done in her life.

Hikari felt impure. Soiled. But when she tried to push against and deny what she was doing to Shinji she felt… she couldn't. Her selfish desire to find a way to be closer to Toji didn't want her to abandon this plan of action… no matter how uncomfortable she felt using Shinji, even if it benefited him too.

She resumed making dinner in silence. Her family, preoccupied with their own problems, overlooked how quiet she was that evening.

Chapter Text

It was easy the next day for Hikari to cling to her class rep mask to stop the disgust behind her face. Normally, her face and her mask were one and the same, but the seed of deceit had caused just enough of a separation for her to perceive the difference.

To her alarm, Asuka seemed to notice as they ate lunch. With a tinge of bitterness that had been increasing as of late, Asuka asked, "What's wrong with you?" 

"Huh?"

"You're tense." Asuka replied, "What's bothering you?"

"Oh." Hikari replied, shifting her feet as she struggled to come up with a plausible lie. "U-um, I'm just nervous today. It's about something I have to do after school."

Not technically a lie, Hikari thought.

"Class rep stuff?"

"Yeah, something like that."

The two are in silence for a moment, then Asuka asked, "Is it true that Shinji is failing?"

Hikari sputtered her meal. Recovering, she said, "Who told you about that?'

"Relax, Shinji told me himself." Asuka replied, Deadpan. Her fork angled down toward her bento as she said, "Geeze, you take your class rep stuff too seriously. Calm down."

As if I could. Hikari thought. She glanced across the room at the trio; the nerd, her crush, and the boy he was using.

She swallowed and stared down at her meal to stop her stomach from churning too much.

When class was over Hikari gathered up her course materials and gradebook. She glanced over at Toji, seeing the strapping jock stare absently into space as he looped his bag over his shoulder. She briefly imagined being up against his chest, a strong arm behind her…

Then she looked at Shinji, who still had his computer open as he was still trying to study. She returned to her packing and tried to stuff down the guilt. She was here to help Shinji.

With this in mind she waited until the classroom had emptied of everyone else. Toji passed by without remark, though Hikari turned her head and almost called out to him. No… she didn't have the guts for that, yet. She wanted to know if it was safe. Not did she know what she would say to him.

Even Asuka left without remark, disgruntled eyes staring ahead as she walked out the walkway to the door. In a glance, Hikari saw Shinji watch Asuka leave and the disappointed look he had. It elicited a pang of sympathy for him and the evident breakdown in communication between them.

But when the class was empty, Hikari brought her things to the desk beside Shinji. "Hello Ikari." She began, pressing herself back into her class rep identity, "How are you?"

"I'm fine." Shinji answered.

"Good." Hikari said, "First, do you have any questions, or anything you wanted to discuss?"

Shinji hesitated as he tried to think over the day's lesson. "Ah, no." He replied.

"Okay." Hikari said. She pulled open her own assigned computer. "We were assigned another essay today. Before we really begin, I want to know your thoughts about what you wanted to write for this assignment."

"My thoughts?" Shinji replied and looked up at the chalkboard to think. After a moment, he said, "Um… just talk about what happened to Japan because of the second impact."

That was literally the assignment prompt. Hikari said, "Just the facts… about the second impact generally?"

"I suppose."

"And what kind of resources would you be using?"

"Um…" Shinji hesitated, "Uh… The…. class library database?"

Hikari sighed because she knew the class library database had scant knowledge on the matter of cultural impact on Japan from the second impact. It was a curious omission, considering the teachers obsession on the topic, but nevertheless there was little to go on.

"Okay Shinji," she said, "Based on what you told me, I already know you're not going to make a passing paper."

"W-wha, really?" Shinji replied.

"Mmhmm."

"How come?"

Hikari smirked. "I mean, a paper needs to have a point. You can repeat the facts, but those facts need to lead to a conclusion. So what would be your point?"

"Um… that it happened? That the culture was impacted?"

"Yes… but… that's obvious. To make a good paper, you need to offer a specific view or analysis. For example, was the second impact a good thing, or a bad thing?"

"W-why would anyone think the second impact was a good thing?!"

Hikari shrugged. "People have opinions, and they back it up with facts to persuade the person who is reading the essay that they're right. Good essays try to change people's minds, or tell a story. So," Hikari said, "What would you like your paper to say?"

Shinji stared at the chalkboard. "Um… what… could… I say?"

Hikari smiled again. "You could talk about how the tsunamis washed away a lot of important cultural sites, and why that loss is a tragedy for all of Japan. You could talk about the paranoia of the Japanese government after the impact and skepticism of the UN and why they shouldn't be trusted." Hikari shrugged, "You can say anything, the point is to make the paper interesting to the reader. What would you want it to say?"

Shinji closed his eyes as he tried to think. After a moment he shook his head. "Sorry, I tried. I really can't think of anything."

"That's okay." Hikari replied, "Not everyone can find out right away. Sometimes you have to work for it. Let's start with a spontaneous topic… what's something that's important to you?"

"What?" 

Hikari smiled again. "Something important to you. You know, something you like and value. Or maybe it's something you want to do, or gain?"

Shinji stopped to think about that one. As before no easy answer came to him- it was a blank. He lived his life drifting on the whims of others, doing only the minimum required in order to stay alive. There was no shame in that, was there?

As the moment dragged on Hikari grew a little concerned that Shinji seemed unable to answer this simple question, "Maybe something about your family? Something you wish you could have?"

That snapped Shinji's mind to his father, and the complicated feelings swirling around that man. "Father…" Shinji uttered.

Hikari waited patiently to see if he would elaborate. When he didn't, she prodded, "Are your parents important to you? Is there something you wish they did?"

Shinji stared into space at that question and grew increasingly unsettled as he thought about his father. He wanted to escape his father… hurt him, even. At the same time it wasn't that simple of a sentiment.

"I… I don't want to think about my father." Shinji uttered.

Hikari looked from his hands to him and connected the dots. "Okay. We don't have to think about your father, but what about parents and families and how they were changed by the second impact?"

That thought hadn't occurred to Shinji. "What?"

Hikari nodded and leaned closer to him. "Clearly it's important enough to you for you to have feelings about the subject. Perhaps that can help you feel motivated." She leaned back, "of course, you don't have to choose this topic, but having an opinion on the matter helps you become more invested in your writing."

Shinji was still reeling over the idea that his father could be affected by anything- even the second impact. He was still confused over his father's motives to summon to this place. Perhaps learning more about what others went through with the second impact would help him learn something.

Though he perceived some danger in picking at this knowledge, his curiosity was getting the better of him. It was the same feeling that kept him piloting the Evangelion.

Hikari blinked at his pause and said, "if this would be too uncomfortable for you to write, then-"

"No." Shinji said as his hands slowly clenched, "i-ill do it. I… I think I want to learn more about this."

"Great!" Hikari replied. She typed the subject matter on the document, then side-eyed Shinji to see him still staring into the desk with his hands clenched. She looked at her own laptop for a moment, then said, "Would it help if I told you what my subject was?"

Shinji turned his head to look at her in answer to her question. She swallowed and said, "I'll be writing about the collapse of the medical industry and healthcare during the second impact. Do you… want to know why?"

She took Shinji's level, open-eyed stare as consent, then went on, "My mother passed away after my younger sister was born. I was told it was because they didn't have any doctors to help… medical staff was in short supply then."

Shinji shuddered at Hikari's obvious sadness. "I-im sorry…" he said with a squirm.

"Thank you." Hikari uttered quietly. She looked at him and said, "The reason this is my subject is because I want to understand what happened so I can come to terms with it. It will help me get over it if I learn more about it." She smiled and looked at Shinji. "Perhaps that can be the case with you too, Shinji. Maybe reading up on this can help you understand what bothers you so much about your father and help you overcome it."

Shinji looked at the desk and took a breath. Conflicted. He had always fled from sources of pain. Now she was asking him to stare into it… to understand it?

No, it wasn't just Hikari. She let him leave. It was himself, which made it hard to dismiss. After over a decade he was no closer to understanding his father, even after speaking with Ayanami. This was a new idea.

"Remember, I'm here to help you." Hikari added gently, "And there's no shame in backing out if you're too uncomfortable. We can find another topic in our next session."

"Okay." Shinji uttered, sitting with this possibility. Somehow he couldn't look away from it, as fearful as he was. Something inside him told him this is what he had to do.

Hikari looked at the clock, then said, "We can end today's session early today, Shinji. If this is still what you want to do on Thursday, we can arrange a trip to the library to start gathering sources."

"Okay." Shinji said. They both started to gather their things to leave. 

As Shinji headed out the door, Hikari said to him, "Have a nice day, Shinji."

The boy stopped to look back at her. Hikari offered a class rep smile, the one she made herself give to new students. Shinji, on one of the only times she saw it, smiled back. "Thanks, you too." He replied and left the classroom.

A moment after Shinji had left Hikari stopped and sighed. She hadn't done anything to further her objective of getting closer to Toji. "Slowly. Start slow." She uttered. She did find herself smiling though, as she thought about how much she must have helped Shinji. However nefarious motivations, at least she did him some good.

Shinji later called into Misato's apartment as he arrived, "I'm home!" 

"Welcome home!" Misato answered him, and he walked into the kitchen. Misato's jacket rested on the table as the woman was just popping open a beer. It looked like she just came back from work. "Hi Shinji." 

"H-hello." Shinji uttered, now assuming she was going to comment on his school situation.

Lowering the can she said, "Back from tutoring?"

Shinji's head lowered as if he were struck. "Yes."

"Is it helping?"

"I… I think so…" Shinji, said thoughtfully.

"Good." Misato answered as she closed the refrigerator and grabbed her jacket to go to her room.

As she passed into the living room Shinji asked, "Misato?" When she turned, Shinji said, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, anything."

"Where were you when the second impact happened?" Shinji asked. His gaze dropped to the ground, so he didn't see Misato freeze. Instead he carried on, "It came up in an assignment today and I was just wondering. For the people I know, I mean."

The pause was long, and when Shinji looked up he caught the shocked look on her face for just an instant. His eyes snapped her out of it and her face whirled away. "I was abroad."

Shinji blinked, Misato was rarely this obtuse. "Abroad? Where?"

"Abroad." Misato replied distantly as she continued the path to her room, then closed the door behind her on a confused Shinji.

Shinji stood in the kitchen, stung by Misato's abrupt response to the question. 

Then he slowly trudged to his own room, pausing outside to listen briefly to the music he heard playing in Asuka's room. After that he went into his room and closed the door.

Chapter Text

Hikari couldn't hold back the yawn the next day in class. As she closed her mouth Asuka asked her, "Why are you tired?"

"Huh? Oh, I had a late night last night." Hikari replied. She went on, "I had to catch up with housework now that I'm tutoring during the week."

Asuka arched an eyebrow. "Are you tutoring people other than Shinji?"

"Not yet." Hikari replied.

Asuka smirked. "So you mean to tell me nobody is as far gone as Shinji, huh?" Her head whirled around to look at Shinji and his friends. “That meat head has better grades than Shinji?"

Hikari couldn't help herself glare at the back of Asuka's scalp, but let the moment pass after a second with a sigh. Sometimes it was frustrating to be Asuka's friend, the girl's casual cruel remarks were starting to edge beyond simple irritation at the stooges. Hikari couldn't be certain Asuka's remarks were intentionally loud enough for the boys to hear, but sometimes it seemed that way.

It wasn't something Hikari felt like she could admonish Asuka for. Asuka was Asuka. Chiding her risked putting up a barrier between herself and her only female friend.

Hikari took a breath to answer Asuka's question anyway. "Asuka, I told you, grades are confidential."

Asuka whirled back to Hikari. "But you just told me you aren't tutoring anyone else yet. Not even Suzuhara."

"That has no bearing on anyone else's grades.” Hikari said. She didn't add, *like yours*. Asuka pride herself in her college education, but her grades in Tokyo-3 were suggesting a different story, no matter the excuses.

Asuka grunted a dismissal, and red hair whirled as she stared back at the boys. "He doesn't apply himself." Asuka suddenly said.

"Huh?"

"Shinji." Asuka replied without facing her. "He never does anything. He just sits there and lets life happen to him." She turned her head to face forward and said with her eyes closed, "He's pathetic and boring."

Hikari's eyes darted from Asuka to Shinji, thinking about their tutoring sessions so far, and knowing what Asuka said wasn't strictly true. She had been a class rep long enough to recognize a lightbulb moment when she saw one, and she saw that with Shinji yesterday.

But she couldn't say any of that. Asuka could be unpredictable when refuted. And something in Hikari, oddly, didn't want to tell Asuka anyway.

Asuka's eyes opened and jumped to Hikari. "So what are you tutoring him on, or is that classified too?"

"Oh!" Hikari replied, "No. I'm helping him with our next writing assignment."

"The second impact one?" Asuka replied and rolled her eyes, folded her arms together on the desk, and rested her head on them. "As if any other subject is covered in this class…" she muttered. Then her head popped up, "What's he doing it on?"

Hikari blinked, then said, "You know, you could ask him these questions yourself."

Asuka lowered her head. "That's a useless suggestion. He won't tell me anything."

Hikari stared at Asuka as an epiphany occurred to her. She looked over at Shinji. She's giving up before she's even tried. It's not in her nature to try being anything she doesn't want to be.

Hikari’s fingers flexed against her palms as she held her hands together before her, considering what she could say to Asuka. But it also occurred to her… not to say anything. Not just because she knew Asuka wouldn't take that advice anyway… but… she didn't want to. And she didn't know why.

Her head lowered. She really was a disgusting, selfish person, using one acquaintance and snubbing another without her knowing. All for what? She looked up.

Her eyes looked over at the stooges. Toji's back was to her, she couldn't see his expression from here. Her eyes glanced to Shinji, who wore an appreciative grin.

She sighed and looked away.

After school Shinji stood in the elevator at NERV on his way to a regular harmonics test. He held his bag in his hands as he thought over what he wanted to say.

Ayanami was in the elevator. Asuka, Shinji assumed, had gone ahead.

Shinji stared at the wall. It always occurred to him when he was with Rei to remember that scene he witnessed on the gantry of Rei's reactivation test. Rei was close enough to his father… for an animated, happy display. And thinking of the subject of his paper…

Even after their battles and training together, Shinji never got an answer for what that was about. What was Ayanami's relationship to his father? Would he ever learn?

Not unless he asked… but that wasn't something he could do directly. It wasn't as if he was intimately acquainted with Ayanami personally. Even if he had seen her… well… unclothed.

He sighed and swallowed nervously, because he knew why he thought of this. Parents and families changed by the second impact. He wanted to know now what his father went through.

"Ikari." Rei suddenly said without turning, startling him.

"Uh, yes?" Shinji stumbled in his response.

"You have something you wish to ask me." She said.

"W-what makes you think so?"

"Your typical pattern in this space is to ask me how my day is." Rei replied, "then you ponder aloud which option you will make for dinner in Major Katsuragi's residence. Neither of these things has happened, so you must have something on your mind. Since you have not said it already, you must be hesitant to say it in my presence."

Shinji looked away, called out and a little creeped out over Rei's precision. "Its um…" he tried to pick what to say, "the… uh… second impact paper! I um… I wanted to know what you were going to write."

That wasn't what Shinji really wanted to ask, but it filled the space. Rei said nothing as he sighed out his tension, then she said, "I am writing about the theory of the existential self."

Shinji blinked. "W-what?"

"It is a social theory that spawned from the turmoil of the second impact." Rei added. She turned her head a little. "What are you writing about?"

"Huh? U-um…" Shinji stumbled. He went from confusion over Rei's subject back to the uneasiness around his father. He swallowed. "I'm writing a-about how the second impact… affected families. Especially…. Parents…" Shinji trailed off.

Rei didn't say anything at first, which for a second made Shinji wonder if she found the topic uninteresting. She only responded with, "I see."

Shinji didn't know where to begin discussing Rei's subject, and uncertain how interesting she found his, he fell silent. They were quiet for the rest of the ride.

Hikari stared numbly into the pot as she stirred the soup. She was thinking about tomorrow, after school.

Today wasn't encouraging. After school ended she had tried to get close to Suzuhara by mustering the nerve to ask him to stay back and help her with classroom cleanup. He preempted her, waving her away as he exited the room. "Sorry class rep, gotta see my sis tonight."

Hikari let him go, both touched at his responsibility to his sister and disappointed that she didn't even have a chance to get his attention.

As she added the next few ingredients for the soup she made herself focus on what she was going to do tomorrow in order to get closer to Toji through Shinji. Maybe… she could ask him how they were doing with their papers. From there she could ask on the sly about Suzuhara… no, that would be too obvious. She would need to be more general and indirect. Take it slow.

But she also didn't have a lot of time. If she was successful, Shinji's grades would improve and she would no longer need to tutor him. It was a way out, at least, so she could leave helping Shinji at just that. But it would be a wasted opportunity.

She set her face with determination. If tomorrow didn't get her any closer to Toji, she would leave her efforts at that and stop deceiving Ikari.

"One more try." Hikari uttered under her breath, and she stirred the pot again. "One more…"

Shinji came through the door later than he intended to. He made it down the hall and into the kitchen to set down the grocery bags he was carrying.

It was then that Asuka appeared in the kitchen. "Finally you're back, what kept you?!"

"Sorry." Shinji replied as he started parsing out the groceries, "The line was long at the grocery store, and I had to walk."

"Misato didn't just drive you?"

Shinji glanced at her, meeting the indignation on her face with a hesitant one of his own. Misato had told all of them, after their test, that she was going to be late coming home. Was Asuka not listening?

He turned back to the refrigerator. "She said she was working late… remember?"

Asuka stared at him, then grunted. "Fine. Just make dinner, I'm already hungry!" Her long legs stepped out of the kitchen through the partition into the living room. Shinji's eyes focused on her torso, wasp waist, then curtain of red hair as he watched her plop down on one of the folding chairs. He winced as he noticed the TV wasn't on, hadn't she been watching it? What was she doing?

Noticing the cold of the milk in his hands, he sighed and rushed to put away the groceries and get dinner started. He worked in silence, undisturbed, until the curry was ready.

"Okay," he called from the kitchen, "Dinner's ready!"

"Bring it in here!" Asuka replied from the living room.

Shinji's brain froze as he tried to think of everything he needed to bring the serving bowl, plates, sides, and drinks to the table. "Uhhh… all of it?"

"What are you talking about?" Asuka replied and her face whirled to Shinji. They stared at one another for a few seconds before Asuka connected the dots. She cussed a German word then barked, "Bring *A bowl* with *my dinner* in it, third! It's not hard!"

"S-sorry…" Shinji replied and set about preparing a bowl. When he brought it to her he finally discovered what she was doing. Laid out on the table was her work laptop, a couple of open books, and a few scattered papers. He landed the bowl on an open spot just out of the way, saying, "Here you go."

Asuka muttered her thanks as she stared at the laptop and looked over her work.

Shinji stepped away to the kitchen but slowed and stopped to look at her again. "Um… Asuka?"

"What?"

"Are you working on the paper? For class?"

She turned to look at him. "What else do you think this could be?"

"S-sorry..," Shinji recoiled, "I… I was just-"

"Yes, it's the paper." Asuka said, cutting him off and turning back to the computer. Her left hand groped for the bowl and she brought it to her lap after finding it. She whirled her face to look at him and saw him standing there. "What is it?"

Shinji snapped out of his thinking. "H-uh?"

"You're standing there awkwardly like you have a question. Spit it out!"

"Oh! Um…" Shinji scratched the back of his head. "I… was… just… wondering what you were writing about."

"Why? You picked your topic yet?" She shifted in her seat.

"Well, yes, but-"

"So why do you want to know?"

"I-i was just curious!" Shinji piped, then toned after, "I just wanted to know if mine was any good."

Asuka considered him critically, then turned back to her paper. "I'm doing the evolution of the UN and reordering of world power." She glanced over his shoulder at him.

Shinji was responding with a stammer at first, "T-thth- that sounds important!!"

Asuka turned back to her paper. "Of course it is. If you want a good paper, you talk about big ideas and big concepts."

Shinji's first thought was to compare this to his own paper's vastly smaller premise. "Oh…" he uttered. Then he remembered how Hikari, class rep, approved of his subject and how much his premise seemed to matter to him.

In that moment Shinji wondered what thought process led Asuka into choosing hers. Before he could think further on it, Asuka turned to him and asked with a tone of dull skepticism, "What about you, what are you doing?"

Immediately Shinji realized how unimpressive his premise would sound to her. "Uh… I'm… I don't know…"

Asuka turned on her torso to face him now. "Wasn't Hikari working with you?"

"She is… I… just don't know if I'll stick with it."

"What have you got so far?" 

Shinji swallowed as he took a small step back. "Its… um…" He swallowed, "it's… about… parents. Parents and how that changed with the second impact."

"Parents." Asuka repeated with skepticism.

Shinji then realized he hadn't been clear. He shook his head and tried to overcome his nerves, "Parenting! Family dynamics! That… sort of thing." Shinji finally squeezed out of his chest.

Asuka stared at him for a moment more, then canted her head back with a lopsided grin. "Can't resist making your issues about your dad into a research project, huh?"

Asuka's mocking poise put Shinji on the defensive, "W-what do you mean?"

She turned back to her paper, "You know, some people go into psychology just to understand their own traumas. I guess I shouldn't be surprised you'd do something like that."

"W-whats wrong with that?" Shinji asked, color coming to his face.

"Nothing, I guess." Asuka replied with a dismissive air. "I'm not gonna stop you from airing your issues all over class for everyone to see."

Shinji wanted to continue objecting by mentioning Hikari's subject, but it didn't feel proper to do so. Instead he balled his fists, grumbled, and went into the kitchen to eat his dinner alone. He didn't see

Asuka's haughty expression drop into one of tired disgust. She glanced at the open space at the table she had left for Shinji to work in, then doubled down on her own work.

Chapter Text

The second bento was stacked on top of her own as Hikari stared at the ensemble with a dull expression. She was so close, but not close enough, to getting Toji's attention. At the time she had been sure this would bridge the gap and get him to talk to her… see her as more than *just* the class rep. But the boy didn't pick up on the hint. He never had, in the times she had handed over his free lunch.

She had gradually tapered off these gifts, being twice a week instead of everyday, but even this he didn't notice. What was it about boys that they didn't pick up on hints?

Later, as Hikari was handing Toji the lunch she had prepared, a spike of drive hit her. "Suzuhara…"

Toji turned his head back. "Yeah?"

Hikari had startled herself once she realized what she did. Taking a breath she tried to steady her feelings and navigate putting herself in this position. "H-how are you… doing with your paper?"

"Fine." Toji replied flippantly, averting his eyes from her. "Just fine."

Hikari detected his impulse to escape the conversation. She wondered why… was he having difficulty and covering it up? "Are you sure, I could-"

"Yeah I'm fine." Toji waved off.

"Oh… okay then." Hikari replied and backed off. She hung her head as she walked away from the desk where Toji was already turning back to Kensuke. Anyone staring at her would have noticed how heavily she *dropped* into her seat.

Kensuke, eyes scanning over a book covering the history of Antarctica, said, "You know, getting help from the class rep would be a surefire way to brIng up your grades."

Toji sighed and crunched himself further into the sideways seat in his chair. "I can't take the time off." He rubbed his nose and uttered, "My sister's getting worse. Besides, the last thing I need is the class rep knowing I'm falling behind." His eyes hardened, "I don't need her pity, too."

Kensuke eyed Toji for a moment over the corner of his book and sighed at Toji's macho attitude. He went back to reading about alleged sightings of ships around the continent prior to the second impact.

Shinji came in just then, glancing about the classroom. His eyes snagged on Hikari's face and the girl's hazel eyes found his. Both remembered today was a tutoring day. Hikari, out of habit, was the one to smile first. Shinji reciprocated reflexively as he made his way to his desk.

Toji called to him, "Devil stay home today?"

Shinji halted on his way into the chair and looked around. To Toji he said, "She left before I did. She's not here?"

In answer to their discussion Asuka entered the room just then, stopping just before the row to her desk when she realized eyes were in her. "What are you staring at?" She demanded.

While Shinji dropped his gaze and Kensuke returned to his book, Toji said, "You left before Shinji but arrived after. Where did you go off to?"

"Since when is it your business, monkey boy?" The redhead replied as she strode to her desk and sat down. Shinji was already in his, looking around and noticing Rei was absent again today.

Asuka glanced over at Shinji, then scowled as she saw his head aimed in the direction of Ayanami's seat. Her book bag with the added library books banged on the ground.

School proceeded without incident. At its end Hikari was at the far side of the room organizing papers when class was dismissed. She stared across the room as Toji left, and sighed at herself again how she blew the chance with him.

Shinji approached from her edge of vision and she slipped into her pleasant class rep mask. "Ikari! Are you ready for our next session?"

Shinji nodded with a small smirk. "Yes!"

Hikari smiled back. "Today we are going to the public library to collect research on our topics. Is that okay?"

"Uh, sure." Shinji replied.

"Okay. Let me talk to Yuna first, then we'll go." Hikari walked to another girl waiting after class, the one who was assigned class cleanup, and then departed with Shinji.

They walked in silence at first, trailing the stream of students headed down the main road further into town.

Hikari remembered to ask Shinji about Toji. She wrestled in her mind with the recollection of failing to Toji's face. She thought it would be a motivator to try here, but it was hard making the connection.

Still, she gripped her bag. She had to try, or she had to resolve to give up. Her hand squeezed the handle. "Um…Ikari, h-has Toji talked to you about his project?"

Shinji glanced at her. "No, why?" Looking ahead, he asked, "is he failing too?"

"Well, no…" Hikari said, uncertain how she wanted to proceed.

Shinji hesitated, then asked, "is he… in trouble?"

Hikari shook her head. "No… I just worry about him sometimes. He's often visiting his sister, and his assignments are late occasionally."

They walked for a few more paces before Shinji said, "I think Kensuke helps him with his homework. They go over to each other's houses sometimes."

Hikari turned her head. "You don't go too?"

"No." Shinji replied.

Hikari side-eyed him thoughtfully. She had assumed he did, it was one avenue she wanted to use to get more information. "Is it… because you pilot the eva?"

"No." Shinji replied.

Hikari blinked, then asked, "Do they not even ask you?"

"Well… um…, they come to Misato's house whenever I'm hanging out with them. I've never hung out with them at their places."

"Oh." Hikari replied sadly. Learning this had dredged up an uncomfortable thought Hikari held for a while. She had heard Toji speaking of Miss Misato in animated terms before, with comically lewd intentions. After meeting Misato it was hard for Hikari not to compare herself to the older, carefree, sexier woman. How could Hikari Horaki, class rep, compete? Especially in Toji's eyes?

They walked for a few paces more. Hikari was trying to overcome being stuck in her disappointment when Shinji asked, "Um… how is… your paper going?"

"Oh!' Hikari replied, the change in subject shifting her thinking. "Well…. I haven't done much work yet myself. I've been busy with class duties…" she smiled, "Going with you today is the first time I'll be able to work on it."

"Oh…so, this trip helps both of us then?" He asked, looking at her.

"Mmh!" Hikari agreed with a nod.

Shinji returned his eyes to the pavement with a slight smirk on his face, feeling good. This venture wasn't just for him; she would benefit too. She wouldn't just be wasting her time on him.

Shinji had never encountered something so hushed like this before. At his mother's grave there was solemn silence, in his Sensei's place it was the silence of respect. Here, though, the silence felt different. It felt like… concentration. Gaining.

As they walked the long hallway just into the lobby, Hikari asked him quietly, "Do you have a library card?" When he shook his head, she nodded and said, "let's get you a card. You won't be able to check out anything without one."

Shinji followed the instructions from the librarian to get registered into the system. He glanced at Hikari once and the girl smiled back. As the librarian handed Shinji his card, he said, "Now you and your girlfriend can explore our collection together!"

Both of them blushed. Shinji offered the first correction, "Oh! No, she's just tutoring me. We're not… uh.. dating."

"My mistake." The librarian corrected. "Have a nice day."

Shinji turned around to Hikari, who blinked and came back to the present with a smile. "Lets find a quiet place to sit." She said.

"Sure!" Shinji replied.

As they walked Hikari started to zone out again while she examined a feeling she just had. When the librarian confused them as boyfriend and girlfriend Hikari wasn't repulsed by the idea. In fact for a brief second she imagined her and Shinji in each other's personal space and wasn't grossed out. In fact, the opposite.

Why?

She glanced at Shinji as he was looking for a table and compared him to Toji. While the jock was strong, confident and compassionate… Shinji was quiet, solitary, and if Asuka was to be believed- pathetic. So… why did she feel that way just now? Was she just lonely?

They took seats at a table beside a window looking into the mountains in the West. It would be picturesque if the view wasn't so common. It did look out onto one of the Tokyo-3 highways, giving the pair something passive to look at.

Hikari set her things down but watched Ikari as he also sat down in the chair. She didn't feel anything then, and was able to brush aside the distracting thought and return to being a class rep. "Once you're settled, we'll begin our research."

"Okay." Shinji replied.

A quick search in the catalogue brought both of them to the same section. It wasn't a surprise to Hikari that all books pertaining to the second impact were in a section specifically *about* the second impact. The shelf was long- on both sides.

Looking at the collected titles, Shinji found himself awed by the density of information in these stacks. It was something that wouldn't have occurred to him if he wasn't here with the class rep.

They both were scanning the shelves, seeking books either of them may want for their topics. Hikari was ahead of Shinji.

He was noticing that he was taller than her when one of her arms swung up to a book to pull it from the shelf. Spinning the book in hand she looked at the back, and seeing her from that angle did something for him. He ended up having to blink and return to the present when she turned to give the book to him. "You might find this useful."

Shinji looked at it. It was a softcover book with a flimsy cardboard cover. The title read "Society in crisis: socio-economic changes of the second impact."

"Why would I want this?" Shinji asked, "this doesn't seem related to my topic."

Hikari smiled. "It sounds really broad, doesn't it?"

"Yeah."

Hikari smiled. "Something I learned from my sister is when you look at books like this, the bibliography might have more specific books that help your topic."

"What's a bibliography?"

Hikari stepped next to him and opened the book to the back. As she gently exhaled, Shinji found himself blushing while she stood close to him. He blinked as she showed him the back of the book and pointed with a finger. "See? It's all the reference material the author used when writing this book. It helps narrow down sources."

She handed the book to Shinji, who took it and scanned the page before looking at her. "Uhh… thanks." He said.

"Of course!" Hikari replied, then she started looking at the shelves again.

Shinji looked at the glossary, then at Hikari again and closed the book. He was thinking over what he felt just now, being close to her. It called to mind all the moments he was close to Asuka, too, and the guilt he felt in those moments. He thought he was taking advantage of them without their knowing by leering on their looks, letting his imagination go dirty places as he did. For the class rep, he liked that he was taller than her, and the scent of her hair was not unpleasant. He wondered….

He sighed and followed Hikari through the shelves.

Some time later both of them were back at the table. With their books, Hikari advised researching and collecting notes and interesting information to relay in the paper. She added, "Besides, gathering this information might help you define your topic better."

Shinji felt like he was meandering, though.

Fortunately it wasn't for lack of materials. He had two books on the subject of psychological effects of the second impact on people- one even containing information specifically on family dynamics. His problem though, was over what he wanted his paper to say about all of this.

He tapped his pencil on his notes. He didn't want to abandon the subject, but he felt like his purpose for the paper was behind a closed door. He was close, but he didn't know how to get through it to gain insight.

Like the door between himself and his father.

Shinji glanced up to see Hikari looking at him. As he stared back she realized she was staring into space and shook her head. "Im… sorry," she said, coming out of her head, "I was just thinking. Um, how's it going?"

Shinji tapped the pencil against his book again and caught himself before he answered. Why was it easier to talk to her, than to Asuka or Rei? He decided to continue before he left her hanging, "I.. Uh… I'm having a problem."

Hikari leaned a little closer. "What's your problem?"

"Well… um… I'm not sure what to say."

Hikari scooted her chair closer. "What do you have so far?"

Shinji pulled the second textbook closer and opened it to the page where he jammed in some old notes as a bookmark. He pointed to the highlighted section. "Well… this has been the most helpful so far. It talks about how stress along generational lines increased after the second impact. Adults were worried about the future, and children were confused about the present."

Hikari blinked her eyes wide. "That's a neat thing to say."

"I thought so too." Shinji said with a nod and tapped the pencil on the paper, "but… im not sure that's what I want to focus on."

Hikari glanced at the textbook, then across Shinji's arm before looking back up to his face. "Do you… suppose because the dynamic doesn't match your experience?"

Shinji looked at her and was momentarily startled by Hikari's expression. Was she… afraid? He looked at his paper to recover and went on, "Um… I…" then he recalled what she said. "Maybe? I don't… I don't know."

Hikari backed off a little, and eased out the breath she found she had been holding. Why? "Well," she said, collecting her thoughts as her eyes swept the table. Then they jumped to Shinji. "You could ask yourself if you would want to talk about your personal experience."

Shinji remembered what Asuka had said about airing dirty laundry to the class. He wondered if he would want to put that out there, and then crunched inward when he worried how people would judge him. "I don't know." Shinji replied and bowed his head a little.

Hikari looked from him to her own notes for a moment, then said, "I'm… having the same problem, if it helps."

"Over what you want your paper to say?" Shinji replied.

Hikari shook her head. "Over how personal I should be with it. I'm… I'm the class rep. I'm supposed to be strong… would…" she blinked as she wondered if she should continue. Something told her to pass that limit. "Would… people… think less of me if I talk about my personal experiences??"

Shinji blinked as the rare moment of empathy dawned on him. "I… uh, I don't know." Shinji replied.

Hikari stared at her paper. She had almost evoked Suzuhara's name, worried about his opinion about her, but at the last moment pulled back. It would be all right to ask Suzuhara's friend about Suzuhara himself, right? But then that would be an obvious tell that she liked him… and perhaps she wasn't sure Shinji would relay that question to Toji. Though, perhaps, maybe that was good? But she also didn't want to reveal that info specifically to Shinji for some reason.

Shinji, meanwhile, was basking in his first experience feeling empathy. It had been the first time since coming here that someone professed to share an experience he was having. Someone could understand him, even in a small way.

Hikari stared at her paper and collected her thoughts. "On the other hand, though, I'm writing this paper for myself more than anyone, even if it's an assignment. Maybe…" she winced, "Maybe if I speak from my experience, people could understand me better. I wouldn't just be the class rep."

That idea felt good to Shinji, and his eyes slid down to his paper again. Maybe this wasn't airing dirty laundry… maybe this was a way to explain his background to others. Maybe a way to give context to how disgusting and selfish he believed himself to be. "I think…" he said, "I like that."

Hikari snapped out of her thinking and looked at Shinji as he stared at his own paper. He spoke, "It feels better if I write… from my perspective. I think I want to do it."

Hikari looked down at her own paper, then made a flippant decision. "All right," she said, "If you're going to do it, so will I."

"Class rep?" Shinji asked as he looked at her.

She smiled back and said, "A lot of the time, hard things are easier when you're doing it together with someone."

Shinji stared at her little grin as their gazes lingered. Then both of them realized it and turned away, Hikari coughing. Then she glanced at the clock. "Oh! Um… our tutoring time is done! By a half hour!"

Shinji also glanced at the clock and sighed. "Oh… so it is."

Hikari was gathering up her notes. "We need to check these books out before we go… I'm already behind my schedule." Jamming her notes into her bag, she scooped up her books and said offhandedly, "I have to go grocery shopping after this, dinner is going to be late…"

Shinji blinked, pausing in his own packing. "I've got to go shopping too… where do you go?"

"The U." Hikari replied as she clutched her books. "My dad gets coupons from a subscription service there."

Shinji thought about it. "I've never been there."

"Do you want to come with me?" Hikari blurted without thinking.

Shinji put a modest hand behind his neck. "Uh… I don't want to be a bother…" he was conflicted between not wanting to take up more of Hikari's time and fulfilling the need to get groceries for the apartment.

"Not at all!" Hikari piped, "Actually, I would appreciate the company. It can make the trip go faster."

Shinji glanced up at the ceiling to think for a moment over what he was willing to do. If he was helpful to Hikari and he needed to do it anyway- why not? Besides, he found the idea unusually compelling. "Okay, I'll come too."

"Great!" Hikari said, and led the way away from the table to the checkout desk. She caught herself blushing a little, with an elevated breath. She glanced around conspiratorially, before her eyes rested on Shinji's back as he stepped ahead to check out his books. She swallowed.

Chapter Text

Much later Hikari was reaching up on her toes to a top shelf, pulling a cooking spray down to hand to Shinji. "You'll want to use this."

Shinji looked from the spray to the shelf again where his familiar name brand rested. "Really?"

"Mhm. It's cheaper, and it's lighter in taste. That's what I use." She said, She checked her list and pulled one down for herself to put into her push cart, then continued down the aisle.

Shinji, holding a basket of his own, walked with her as they went through the supermarket. Shinji cast his eyes up and down the aisle. Then he looked at the cooking spray in his cart and wondered if it was a good idea after all to ask her what she usually got here.

Up until now he has done his grocery shopping at a local mini Mart within walking distance of Misato's apartment. The prices were low and it was hardly crowded, though its selection was rather limited. The U was enormous by comparison and Shinji found it overwhelming.

He followed Hikari, who was his only guide to this place.

She looked at her list again and studied the shelf. Shinji looked with her as they examined the spices. She turned to him then and asked, "What kinds of things do you make for Asuka and Miss Misato?"

"Uh…" Shinji had to line up and define the meals he made in his mind. He never had to speak about them to anyone before this, Asuka nor Misato never really cared. "I've made vegetable soup, Raman with eggs, fish and rice…" he named off several others.

Hikari nodded with each and considered the spices. "Those are a lot of good, basic meals. Ummm…." She looked to him, "Are you open to trying something new?"

Something about the way she looked up at him, how close she was, and what she said made him blush. In the two seconds he considered that question, something told him he could trust her. "Mmh!" He said.

She gave him a girlish grin, then leaned forward to pull a couple of spices. "Try these in your vegetable soup next, but don't add too much. Not more than a quarter of a teaspoon, you want to just flavor. Too much and it's overpowering."

Shinji stared at the spices. He didn't have the heart to insist that he was fine, he didn't need to spend the extra money, and what he cooked was good enough. He looked at the cost and saw they were on sale. It was hard to argue with trying these based on how little he paid for groceries already.

Hikari was taking spices of her own, saying, "Spices do a lot to make meals just a little better. Sometimes days are really rough, a tasty meal can make all the difference."

Shinji lowered the spices."Really?"

"Mhm." Hikari said. She looked at her list one more time, lowered it with a sigh, then uttered, "My family and I are so busy and overworked, cooking good is the least I could do for them. It seems to help… at least, I tell myself it does." She shook her head. She glanced at Shinji and said, "Sorry Ikari, I'm airing my dirty laundry I guess, you don't need to hear it."

"It's fine…" he insisted on reflex, at first feeling awkward about it. But the adage she added at the end, calling back to Asuka's quip, gave him pause as another moment of empathy dawned on him. Hikari started moving on and Shinji had to hurry to follow after.

She turned her head to acknowledge him. Thinking his pause was discomfort, she decided to change the subject. "What's the best meal you've ever eaten?"

That caught him off guard. "Me? Uhh… I don't know." He answered honestly. "I don't usually pay attention."

"I was just curious." Hikari replied a little nervously, worried earlier might have been too awkward after all and her save wasn't working.

Shinji tried to answer her anyway… because he wanted to. "Fish… something. It might have been a sushi roll of some kind. My sensei would get special rolls on a good day, but I never knew what they were."

Hikari perked up, smirked, then said, "Restaurants will often make unique sauces and blends for things like that. It might have been a house special."

"Oh?" Shinji asked with genuine curiosity, since he never thought of that before.

"Insider tip." Hikari replied, "My older sister works for a restaurant."

"Ah." Shinji replied and filed that thought away. He found himself curious about what the differences were like between those house specials. As he imagined exploring them, he also imagined Hikari being with him as he did… since she was knowledgeable about this, he reasoned…

It also occurred to him then just how easy it was to talk to her. The only other people in his life like that now were his friends… and they had their hang ups. He decided to broach a conversational question of his own. "You seem to know a lot about cooking. Did your mom teach you?"

Hikari's hand slowed on the way up a shelf, but then she pressed on, saying, "My mother passed away," she glanced at him, "Didn't I tell you?"

Shinji blinked, then connected the dots of her paper and put a hand to his face. He messed up. "Oh! I'm… I'm sorry! I forgot, um…"

Hikari reacted to his alarm but holding out a hand to him and stepping forward. "It's all right!" She said, smiling at him for Shinji to see. She pulled her hand back to her chest then and said, "It's easier these days to not think about it. She's been gone… eight years now. The fact that I have to think about it…" she paused, then looked at Shinji, "Do you think that makes me a bad person? Forgetting, I mean?"

Shinji had been starting to withdraw from his faux pas, but her statement brought him back, since… "I… no… I…" he clenched a hand, "I…. Sometimes i… feel that way about mine."

Hikari, already looking at him, blinked in surprise and now faced him, "Ikari… you too?" 

They stood there for a moment as this sank in. For all the loneliness and want Hikari had felt about missing her mother… could it be that Shinji felt the same?

For Shinji, it was the first time someone reacted this way to him. Up until now he had been given throwaway condolences or hurried subject changes in the rare time his family status was made clear. This is the first time someone appeared concerned. Moreover, someone who also shared losing their mother.

A door opened for both of them.

Hikari stepped up to him again, now only centimeters from him. "How old were you, if I can ask…"

Shinji heard himself respond, "I was… four. It…" he stopped himself before he said anything possibly classified about what he could remember. "It was… scary."

"I understand." Hikari replied sadly. "All I can remember about my mother passing was how tense the hospital was… and… and my father crying." She paused a moment, then asked, "What about your father… or…" Shinji looked away suddenly, and Hikari retreated. "Ikari! Oh!" she stepped back and bowed slightly. "I'm sorry… now I'm the one forgetting…"

"It's…. All right." He said, trading the acceptance of his transgression for hers. "I was… I was okay until… he brought me back here."

"But you live with Miss Misato, so you don't..."

"No. It's better this way."

"Ikari…" Hikari uttered, considering him. Her eyes drifted past him to the clock on the wall and realized what time it was. She gasped a little. "Oh no! We need to finish shopping!"

The need to get home and cook also locked into Shinji's brain and he panicked also. He whirled and looked at the clock. "It's almost 5! I need to be home!"

"Let's finish this quick!" Hikari said.

Together with her cart and his basket they hurried down the rows.

They left The U in the same direction. Both of them were silently processing the information exchanged with the other while they had been shopping.

Finally Hikari said, "Ikari…" With his attention she continued, "Thank you… for sharing your experience with me. I think I understand you better now…" they walked a few more steps, then she went on, "I… I want you to know, I think you're incredibly brave for choosing to face your father again in spite of what happened to you. I couldn't do a thing like that, if it were me."

Not that I had a choice. Shinji thought. He considered her and wondered if he should be truthful to her in this, too. "I… I don't deserve any praise." He said.

She looked at him. "Why do you say that?"

Shinji wasn't expecting a question. He looked at her and came to a stop. She wheeled and stopped in front of him where Shinji could see her expression.

It wasn't the biting haughty attitude from Asuka, the wry condescending tone of Misato, or the vacant and unfeeling stare from Rei. The class rep seemed genuinely curious… and concerned?

Shinji averted his gaze. He didn't deserve her compassion, either. "Nothing. Forget I said anything."

Hikari watched him for a moment, then said, "Ikari. Based on what you've told me just now, and what I know of you, I can only imagine the pressure you must feel day to day." She softened her tone, "It must be incredibly hard on you."

Something in her tone and voice struck a chord with Shinji because he had to try hard not to cry right then. It was a practiced reflex to stay stoic.

Hikari looked into his eyes and gave a tired smile. "I wanted to tell you that I'm even happier to be helping you now, more than before, because I feel what you're doing is very noble. Even if you don't think you deserve praise for it, I do, because in spite of everything you choose to do something that is hard for someone that doesn't deserve it."

"I don't need him." Shinji muttered, "I shouldn't. Especially him.

Hikari looked at him with compassionate eyes. He's so hard on himself when all he wants to do is… "All the same, you choose to try understanding him. You hate him, but you seek to know why he did what he did. That's doing more than some other people I know…"

Like Suzuhara, her mind supplied. 

Shinji sighed while looking down, then shifted his arm to stretch when he realized he still held groceries. "What time is it?" He asked.

Hikari looked at her watch. "5:30!"

"Im late for dinner!" Both of them cried out and hurried down the street.

They came to an intersection where Hikari was going one way and Shinji another. They looked at one another. Hikari smiled, "I'll see you tomorrow at school Shinji, I hope today helped!"

Shinji wasn't sure what to make of the day, but he couldn't say it was bad. "See you tommorrow!" He replied.

He watched Hikari leave the intersection first. She waved to him from the other side before he crossed as well.

Shinji wasn't back in the apartment two minutes when Asuka appeared. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Uh…Grocery shopping." Shinji responded in the middle of putting away those groceries, Like you can't see for yourself? He continued, "I went after tutoring with the class rep." He placed something in the refrigerator and was about to continue, describing his time with Hikari, when Asuka interrupted him.

"How is that going?"

"Uh… fine! It's… um… interesting." This was all Shinji could say of what he learned from his research the time he spent with Hikari.

Asuka glared at him for a moment, then grunted as she dismissed with a wave, "Hurry up with dinner, you're not off the hook just because you're studying you know!"

"I won't." Shinji uttered as he went back to putting things away. When Shinji glanced across the kitchen again he saw that Asuka had gone.

He finished unloading the groceries then looked at the clock. He sighed at how late it was, then moved off to his room to drop off the library books and change into house clothes.

As he did he thought over this afternoon. It had been a busy, emotional day. He slowed as he thought of the conversation with the class rep, replaying the sentiments in his mind. The softer tones of her voice… the things she said…

When he returned to the kitchen he heard the front door open. "Im home!" Misato shouted.

Shinji answered, and heard Asuka answer from her room. "Welcome home!"

While Shinji stood at the sink to fill a pot for dinner, Misato sighed as she came in. "Today is a beer day." She said as she grabbed a can from the refrigerator.

Shinji asked, "How was work?"

Misato waved a hand while her lips were on the can. When clear she said, "Classified information and budgetary meetings. Two things I hate the most about this job."

"Oh." Shinji replied. 

Misato nodded in his direction as she held her can. "How was your day? It's a tutoring day isn't it?" Her arm lowered while she pinched the top of the can, "How's that going?"

"Uh, Good! Um… I'm learning a lot about my topic."

"Its about the second impact isn't it?"

"Yeah um… about families."

Shinji noticed the shift in Misato's posture, straightening a little and the smirk left her face. "That's right. You told me about this the other day."

"Y-yes." Shinji replied.

She turned away from him. "Well, keep at it." She said and walked past the partition towards her room.

Shinji lowered his head, dismayed that the mere mention of his topic was enough to drive Misato away. But rather than give into his instinct of dropping what offended her, he remembered what Hikari had said about his quest to understand his father. Maybe he was unique in asking that question… Misato seemed quite evasive on the subject of family.

He turned back to the stove with a muffled grunt as he dismissed those thoughts and started to consider the dinner he was making.

There was a way to go from the main road to her house, which gave Hikari time to think. She figured early that she wouldn't be making dinner. It was too late for that, which meant other things would happen because she wasn't there on time.

She sighed.

Her walk slowed a little as she realized something else: she utterly failed in her objective to find out more about Suzuhara. Instead, she had a moment with Shinji.

The class largely saw him and Asuka as a couple because of how casually they bickered about mundane things… like newlyweds. If Hikari was finding feelings for Shinji, that meant eventually putting her at odds with Asuka, her best friend. To say nothing of how the class would take it.

Hikari shook her head. She was overthinking this. Just because she was thinking of Shinji didn't mean she found him attractive, did it? It also wasn't as if Shinji made any sign of being attracted to her at all either. She was just taking these passing moments getting to know Ikari too far.

Yet… the idea that Shinji would do one of the hardest things she ever heard of was endearing to her. He was super hard on himself, so he not only had her pity, but her empathy as well. And it was nice to meet a boy who had the curiosity to understand why a thing was happening, instead of blowing it off. When was Suzuhara ever curious about what was happening?

She was finding it harder to just dismiss Shinji as another classmate. And a part of her was beginning to wonder why, in spite of living with him, Asuka never acknowledged the facets of Shinji she was seeing in him herself.

Her feet trudged up the steps into her home. She opened the door. "I'm home!"

The refrain was delayed when it came. "Welcome home!" Various voices responded. She slipped off her shoes and stepped into the chaos she expected would happen.

Immediately in the living room, glued to the TV, Nozomi was munching potstickers out of a takeout box using her fingers. This, and variations of this, always occurred when Hikari wasn't home to police her younger sister. Tired from a long day and not willing to embark on another argument, Hikari only said, "Nozomi, homework after dinner."

"Un." The girl uttered as her eyes soaked in the colors and the narrative of some TV show.

To get Nozomi out of this track would mean turning off the TV and a screaming match. Hikari had to unload groceries.

The kitchen was small, but had enough room for a folding table at least. Resting there was the bag for takeout and several other boxes. Also sitting there, invisible, was the scolding from her older sister for skimping house responsibilities. The fried rice and sesame chicken Kodama ordered for her was probably already cold.

Hikari found a space on the table and started to put away the groceries. She heard her father's heavy footsteps before his voice. "You're back late."

Hikari straightened from crouching by the refrigerator and bowed to her father. "I'm sorry father, I lost track of time. I was tutoring for school and had shopping afterward."

"Ughn." A tired Bunzemon grunted as he leaned in the doorway. "Well, it's not proper. Make sure you're on time, next time." He pushed away from the frame to collect another box of rolls, then disappeared to the dining room where he was reading the paper.

"Yes, sir." Hikari said weakly to her father's back. They already had the conversation many times about what Hikari needed to do in order to be a proper housewife someday.

Tired, she turned back to her tasks in the kitchen to complete them. Then she took her food to the dinner room to finally eat at the table. Her father was already gone, the discarded paper was the only sign of his presence.

She ate alone.

By then she was too exhausted to think over much definitively. Her paper, Ikari, Suzuhara, shopping, it was all a becoming a blur, and she was getting tired.

Hikari was nearly finished with her dinner when she heard the stairs creaking. The step was too light to be her father, and Nozomi was still at the TV. Kodama was already in house clothes when she appeared with her bowl and chopsticks. She had likely been studying upstairs.

Seeing Hikari, she said, "There you are. Make sure Nozomi gets her homework done."

"I will. I just finished eating."

"Good." Kodama said and disappeared into the kitchen.

Hikari perked up a little as she wondered if Kodama had a moment. Of all the people in her life, her older sister was the one person she knew she could turn to for advice. When Kodama appeared, Hikari muttered, "Hey, older train…"

The nickname of trains had been a code among the sisters, since they had been named for the shikaisen. It was devised when they were younger, as a means to signal for a focused conversation. Hikari and Kodama had many of them when she was starting high school.

Kodama paused on the landing now, sighed, and said, "Hikari I have a final im cramming for, can it wait?"

A big paper was far more important than boy drama. "Yes…" she said, "It can wait."

"Okay." Kodama said and turned to the steps. "I'm sorry Hikari."

Kodama popped the can of instant coffee on her way up the stairs. Hikari just sat, staring into space, abandoned and lifeless.

Before she began her battle with her younger sister, she imagined two possibilities.

In one, strong working Suzuhara had come back from his job spent from the day. He watched the game while Hikari made dinner, then was unreachable as he ate. Like her father.

In the other, she came home to Ikari's clumsy but modest attempt at cooking. He was willing to listen to how her day went and said he was proud of her, too.

Normally, Hikari was a traditional thinker. Her father was, and what she heard about her mother, so was she. The former was what she should desire. But in that quiet moment in her home, spent, all she wanted most was to be cared for.

With three breaths she pulled herself out of her chair and came to her feet. She prepared to do battle with her younger sister.

—--------

There were times after dinner which Shinji had to himself which he used to think of the girls and women in his life. In this he was no different than many boys his age, even if he wasn't outwardly lecherous. He was too ashamed for that, and a part of him judged the boys in his life that were. It made him feel like a hypocrite as he was freely sneaking lewd peeks and glances when they happened to appear.

Not that it was particularly hard in the place where he lived. The mature Misato wore skimpy clothing at home almost as if it were a uniform. Asuka's clothing was a constant dare for him to gawk and earn a rebuke. He occasionally let himself think of the time he landed on Rei when she was naked, but that episode confused more than aroused him.

Today in the bath by himself though, for the first time, he thought of the class rep. He reflected on those moments today of being close to her and those moments that gave him a feeling. He had been peripherally aware of Hikari before his as a pretty face in class, and Asuka's friend, but getting to know her brought her into his full attention enough to consider what else she could be to him.

He moved in the tub and imagined himself in the library again, lost in endless quiet stacks of books beside her. That little exhale she gave as she worked her hands, only it wasn't book pages she was turning. For further indulgence he imagined her blouse open, bra hanging out like in one of the magazines he had hidden. He wanted to reach out with a hand to…

It did not take him long to finish the stifled grunt lost in the sloshing of the water. Finished, he stood and pulled the plug on the tub to erase the evidence. In the midst of toweling himself off, he realized what he had just done. His splayed right hand he held up to his face.

Hikari now joined Misato, Asuka, and Rei as targets of his desires… creatures he used for his secret, perverse amusement. All this girl did was try to help him.

He lowered his hand with a closed fist, aware and resigned to the truth that he would do it again alone when thinking of her. Noble barriers he erected for Rei had not worked, they would not work for the class rep. He looked at his hand again.

"I… im scum." He uttered.

Chapter Text

Shinji wasn't paying attention when he entered class the next morning and his eyes found Hikari's. The class rep smiled at him and in spite of himself, he smiled back. As he walked to his desk what he did last night came back to him and he eased into his seat with a sigh. He glanced at the class rep and saw her busy with her responsibilities.

Stifling his lewd thinking made him glance at Ayanami's desk. She was absent again today.

Out of nowhere Toji clapped a hand on his shoulder and said, "Hey, you alright?"

"Uh? Ah, yeah!" Shinji replied hastily.

"Cool." Toji said, then put his hands on his hips. "You doing anything later?"

"Um… after school?"

"Yeah." Toji replied. He leaned in and uttered, "Kensukes got it in his mind to head to New Yokosuka this afternoon. Some big military thing is happening and he wants me to go with him. You could come too, get out of the city and everything."

Shinji blinked. "Uhh…" he had to study. He had to make dinner. "Well…. When will we be back?"

Toji leaned back up and shrugged. "Could take all day. You know how obsessive the guy is." When Shinji didn't answer then, Toji smirked and said, "Just Think about it. If Miss Misato won't let you or anything, it's cool."

"Oh-okay." Shinji replied and Toji continued on his way. Shinji started thinking over this new issue.

Hikari had watched this exchange. Conflicted over the boys, she sighed and pushed herself back into her studies.

Hikari's distraction continued into lunch. Asuka noticed. "Not again, another late night?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry." The class rep responded and maneuvered her chopsticks in response. She gathered more food as she tried to think of an answer for Asuka. "Yes. Chores."

"Mhm." Asuka grunted and looked down at her meal. Hikari stared at Asuka for a second, thinking, No condolences from the girl who doesn't know anything about keeping house. Guilt immediately set in over judging her best friend and Eva pilot, making her feel worse.

When Hikari lowered her head, Asuka lifted hers. "Stop it!" She commanded.

"Huh?"

"You're supposed to be more upbeat than this!" Asuka replied, "What happened to that energy being class rep? Suzuhara is waving a pair of panties at someone, are you going to stop him?!"

"What? Huh?" A confused Hikari said as he half stood to see if such a thing was happening.

Someone laughed. Asuka sighed, "Sit down."

When Hikari did so, she said, "Sorry, the past few days have been really rough."

Asuka side eyed Hikari then said, "That's it, I've decided." She pointed at Hikari, "You and I are going shopping after school."

"What? Today? But…"

"You're not tutoring idiot Shinji, are you?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Then we're going." Asuka said.

Hikari leaned back in her seat, taken aback at this intrusion in her schedule. She was already in trouble for coming home late yesterday. She could probably still make it work, though it would mean another late night of catch up.

She couldn't say no to Asuka though, not without a good reason. Doing anything to harm her friendship with Asuka might leave Hikari with no one to talk to, especially with Kodama studying. Hikari had been too busy for friendships that didn't seek her out.

Her eyes looked past Asuka to Shinji on the other side of the room. They lingered there before she remembered they shouldn't be, and her gaze dropped into her bento.

Maybe this outing would do her some good. Maybe spending time with Asuka would remind her heart that Shinji was already spoken for. So was she, in her own mind. Perhaps that needed reminding too.

The clack of the rails reminded Shinji too keenly of that late night when he ran away from home. The circumstances- lighting, company- were different this time, but it put him back there all the same. He wondered to himself if anything truly significant had changed since that night.

Easy, he thought, he had friends. Shinji looked at them now to tune into their conversation.

Kensuke was examining his film rolls, trying to figure out which was which. "Stupid…" he grumbled.

Toji had been reclining against the plastic chair between them, arms behind his neck. "You did this to yourself, you know. You're the only teenager in the world who uses code to label his camera rolls."

"Hey," Kensuke hissed, "Some of this is tricky stuff. You know who else takes pictures of military equipment? Spies. I have to keep things not-obvious so I don't get into trouble!"

After a pause, Toji said, "You realize spies are the kind of people who do that crap for the same reasons, right? Making you immediately suspicious!?"

Kensuke just grunted and muttered a response under his breath.

Toji turned his head to look at him. "What do you have in there anyway? Evas? More girl pictures?"

Kensuke shushed Toji then. "If anyone finds out about that at school I'm gonna get suspended!"

Shinji perked up. "Girl pictures?"

Toji glanced at Shinji and then grunted while looking away. Toji had made it a point to avoid talking about this end of Kensuke's hobby, on the perception that Shinji was too innocent for that kind of thing. 

Kensuke glanced up at Shinji and apparently had the same thought. "Uh, it's… nothing. I took some pictures of girls on the… Okinawa trip! The one you couldn't go on."

"...oh." A disappointed Shinji said, more about the lost trip than the beach pictures.

Kensuke, misreading Shinji's disappointment, glanced around the nearly empty rail car before uttering, "Well, you know, I took some… *pictures* while we were there."

"What?" Shinji asked.

"Oy." Toji grunted.

"What? There's nothing wrong with wanting to see cute girls in revealing outfits. Besides, it isn't anything you couldn't see with your own eyes at the right moment." Kensuke said. To Shinji he uttered, "I can show you some later. Consider it a consolation gift for missing out on the trip."

Shinji was caught off guard. Not only was he enticed by the thought of those kinds of pictures, but it also startled him knowing his friends might be just as lewd thinkers as he was. Guilt, the familiar chaser to these kinds of matters, hit him also. But he couldn't decide whether his friends were just as scummy as he was, or whether his own lecherous feelings weren't improper after all.

Toji, on the other hand, swung a hand over to slap Kensuke on the shoulder. "Idiot, what makes you think he'd want to see those? He lives with Soryu and Misato, remember? If he wants to see a gorgeous girl he just needs to open his eyes!"

"Beach wear is more revealing." Kensuke said with a wink.

Shinji blinked and said nothing, since some glimpses he caught were… well… "ummm…. Maybe later…" Shinji uttered, still conflicted.

Kensuke caught his hesitance. "Nothing to be ashamed about. It's just peeping for the modern age."

Toji sighed. "Yeah, and also illegal."

"Well, you're not gonna rat me out are you?"

"Keep your voice down!" Toji gasped back, "You were the one who didn't want to get in trouble!"

Shinji had been pondering the subject of girls as they argued, and thought about bringing up a question but sighed and just let the conversation drop. He looked out the window as the train rolled by, trying to reconcile what he was feeling just now after discovering his friends might be as bad as he was. But did that make him… normal?

This shopping trip was supposed to cheer Hikari up, but the girl couldn't help feeling that maybe it was more for Asuka. The German was quite earnest about getting them out of school and to the massive Tokyo-3 mall to go shopping. It was an hour in and most of it was taken up with judging the things Asuka had picked out.

This wasn't to say the trip was entirely one-sided. Hikari had pulled a couple of shirts and some coveralls to wear- which she would buy with her modest allowance. But as the hour clicked over it occurred to Hikari that she lost count of the things Asuka had tried on.

Just then the door opened. Asuka was wearing a loose, ruffled yellow tank with tan leggings, which showed off her thighs. " How does this look?"

Hikari gave it a once over. "It looks nice!" She replied, "and practical."

Asuka was looking into the mirror with a distracted expression, then brushed her hair with her fingers. Hikari noticed, and wondered what Asuka was thinking. What was this trip really for?

"As…" Hikari started to say, but the redhead already closed the door. Hikari fell silent and decided to drop the idea of speaking. She was still bothered, though.

When Asuka emerged she said, "I'm done here. Let's pay and get a snack!"

"Oh-kay!" Hikari replied. 

Ten minutes later they were seated with their bags and ice cream overlooking the food court. As they ate, Hikari glanced around idly, her eyes resting on an older teenage couple on the lower level. Both westerners, the man had short dark hair, flecked with gray, while the woman had long dark red hair bound in two long ponytails. As the woman touched her pink glasses to adjust them, somehow the scene reminded her of the library visit yesterday. Maybe because the lady looked like the kind of person who collected books.

Asuka spoke just then. "Mr. Kaji is going to take me out to dinner tonight, we're going to Waves!"

So that's what this is about. Hikari thought. She had learned to push past Asuka's fixation on the much older man for the sake of their friendship, and did so again. She focused on the venue. "Waves? That's that fancy restaurant on lake Ashi, isn't it?"

Asuka bobbed her head enthusiastically. "I've wanted to go since learning about it. You've never been there?"

"No."

Asuka tittered, excited, "This is going to be so fun!"

Hikari didn't know what to say to that, except when her caregiving aspects kicked in. She was also still thinking of Ikari. "Have you told Ikari you're going? He would probably appreciate knowing you're not home for dinner."

Asuka grunted and slid her eyes sideways. It occurred to Hikari then that it must not have crossed Asuka's mind. So instead, the girl played it off lightly. "He'll figure it out." She said dismissively, "Besides he never tells me when he's late coming home. I don't need to tell him anything.”

Hikari felt a note of indignation on Shinji's behalf. "It would be the considerate thing to do though. Doesn't he have a cell phone?"

"He never has it on." Asuka half-heartedly replied, but she was looking into the distance as she spoke.

Hikari debated about pressing the point. Something in her wanted to. "You could leave a message at least. Then he has an explanation when you don't come home for dinner."

Asuka's eyes focused and trained on Hikari then, mid-lick to her ice cream. She drew her face away from it to say, "If he's so concerned, then he should call me."

"You want him to call you during dinner?" Hikari pointed out without thinking. That made Asuka's eyes drop to the table and sigh through her nose with irritation.

"I'll call him later then." Asuka sighed.

Hikari wanted to press Asuka to do it now, but decided this was enough. She was about to return to her ice cream when Asuka suddenly asked, "Are you getting anywhere tutoring him?"

"Huh? Oh, yes! That is going well." Hikari replied.

Asuka's eyes lingered on Hikari for a moment before they dropped as she licked her ice cream. Then she said, "It's got to be annoying though. He's such a terrible student. He never puts his heart into anything he does."

Hikari blinked with a little surprise, as that had not been her experience so far. She couldn't contradict Asuka though. "I suppose he does have a problem being decisive…"

Asuka licked. "The only thing I've seen him being decisive about is piloting, and that's only because he's desperate to impress his daddy. Otherwise, he's just pathetic." Asuka licked again, "He's the kind of person who just lets life happen to him otherwise. Can't and won't be bothered to decide anything for himself. If anything great happens to him, it's purely by accident."

Hikari looked from Asuka's ice cream to her face and back again in order to stop staring. Clearly Asuka was aware of Shinji's issues with his father, but she apparently wasn't aware how much it affected him.

Or did she not care?

"Oh…" was all Hikari could say after that. She was also reeling from Asuka being so caviler about something, Hikari learned, was terribly important to Shinji. If these two were the "newlyweds" like some of the class believed, based on how much they argued, wouldn't they be more sensitive to each other's needs too?

Besides, it didn't seem like Asuka was willing to acknowledge Shinji's better qualities.

After devouring the last of her ice cream, Asuka got up, stretched and said, "Okay, let's look at makeup!"

"All right… " Hikari said to Asuka's back.

The overlook Kensuke selected was fairly gusty, but they had a clear view of the harbor from this vantage point. Kensuke's camera, of course, was trained on the boats.

"That's gotta be the Kirov," the military Otaku uttered, "But what's a deep water dredger doing out there? I haven't heard anything about a loss at sea…"

Some distance back along the fence, Toji leaned against it with his arms crossed. Shinji had both hands on the rails as he tried, occasionally, to make out the grey shapes. He couldn't tell one from the other at this distance.

Bored, he decided to venture a conversation with Toji. "Ah, Toji… how's your paper going?"

Toji sucked in a breath as he turned his thinking away from wondering where he was going to find dinner that night. Then realizing he hadn't made much progress on his paper, got defensive. "Uh, just fine. Why do you want to know?"

Shinji uttered, "I was just curious, sorry. I was wondering if my subject was any good."

Toji thought about it, glanced over at Kensuke who had been helping with it, then said, "Uh… I picked how the first impact affected the FIBA."

"What's that?"

"Some French acronym. World basketball league."

Shinji, in spite of himself, smirked at Toji's stereotypical selection. "Really?"

"Hey," Toji toned, "I had a hard time choosing, lay off."

"Sorry."

"Anyways, it's a pretty big thing. It's the only national sport competition that kept up through the international wars. Even the Olympics were disrupted those years, so there's a lot of other stuff going on when all that was happening."

Shinji blinked with surprise. "I didn't know about that."

"Yeah, I didn't either until I got some help." Toji said and pointed a thumb over at Kensuke.

The otaku said from behind his recorder, "I still think you should go to the class rep for help."

"And let her find out how behind I am? Hell no." Toji replied. "I can handle it, I just need time. Besides, you're helping me enough. All she would do is scream my ear off about how I'm a terrible student."

Based on his experiences with the class rep so far, Shinji wouldn't think so, but he wasn't sure if he should tell that to Toji. Maybe if he wanted to be a good friend… "Um, she's not that bad, actually."

Toji looked at him. "That's right, she's tutoring you isn't she? You poor soul."

"I…. Uh…" Shinji replied. "No, It's actually… nice working with her!"

As Toji glanced at Shinji, Kensuke interjected, "She's just going easier on you Ikari because you're not a class delinquent like Toji."

"What?"

Toji grunted. "No, it's not that." He glanced at Kensuke to say, "To her I'm just some charity case. She gives me her leftovers sometimes, so I know she takes pity on me."

Kensuke adjusted his camera then said, "It's not every day a girl gives you free meals, you know."

Toji looked over at Kensuke. "Not everyday a girl volunteers to tutor you personally, too. So what?"

Shinji's eyes dipped to the ground for another round of contemplation. It didn't occur to him that there would be some other motive for volunteering to tutor him. For some reason, he liked the idea that she was doing this to get close to him. Then he remembered what she said to him yesterday and started to blush.

Toji went on, "Anyway, I want to talk about something else."

While Kensuke went on about the ships and vessels he saw, Shinji turned away from the harbor to lean against the rails. His eyes went into the distance, towards Tokyo-3.

Hikari's eyes scanned the eastern range of mountains as she and Asuka were topside, headed home, bags under their arms. They were walking towards the suburbs where both of them lived.

Asuka said then, "When's the next time you're tutoring Shinji?"

"Tuesday." Hikari replied, "Every Tuesday and Thursday until his grades improve." After a few steps Hikari said, "Speaking of which, you should call him."

Asuka grunted and said, "I'll tell him when I get home."

"Oh." Hikari said and left it at that.

The two walked in silence until they separated to go to each other's houses. Hikari wished Asuka a vague good luck for dinner, then turned to go to her house. Asuka didn't say anything but waived.

Passing through the doorway into her house, she sighed as all of the evening's responsibilities landed on her shoulders. There were things she could skip- cleaning mostly, and caring for the house. Then there were things she couldn't skip, and those she had to do now while there was time during the day.

After putting her things away she set about doing these things in the house. She was silent as she worked, preferring to concentrate in the quiet of the house to contrast the business of the school day and all the people she had to talk to.

Asuka did not seem appreciative of Shinji and his efforts at all.

With how much they fought and worked together Hikari would have assumed, like the rest of class, that there was something between them. Even early on, Hikari had done her part to nudge the two together. But lately? It seemed all Asuka had were complaints.

Why was that giving Hikari a sense of relief?

As she washed a splayed hand under some cold water she hit upon why. Hikari had gotten a glimpse of Shinji’s inner feelings and concerns… while Asuka evidently hadn't. Hikari knew something about Shinji his so called school spouse didn't.

In spite of herself, it was enticing to contemplate. She couldn't move on from that thought for some time.

Shinji passed through the door to Misato's apartment and slipped his shoes off. "I'm home!" He announced.

Rounding the corner into the kitchen he was startled to find Asuka standing there, back to him, holding the phone, dressed in house clothes. He was about to greet her and ask why she didn't say anything at the door, but stopped as he noticed her rigid posture. He knew this meant she was angry. "Asuka?" He uttered.

Her head turned slightly in his direction but he still couldn't see her face. "What do you want?" She asked in an icy tone.

"Um… nothing." He said. He took a small step forward. "W-whats wrong?"

"Nothing." Asuka said and slammed the phone on the receiver before her wide strides carried her from the room.

Shinji, stunned for a moment, just stared at the exit to the room before looking at the phone. It had a message on it. Shinji hit play.

"Asuka, it's Kaji. Something last minute has come up and I'm going to have to reschedule. I'm sorry this is coming so late, please forgive me."

The clattering of the receiver in the recording sounded a little more harsh than it needed to, but Shinji's shoulders sank. No wonder Asuka was in a mood.

Sighing since there was nothing he could do about it, he set out to make dinner. Working with the ingredients reminded him of the shopping trip he took yesterday. He couldn't imagine Hikari getting this irrational over a boy. She's more mature than that, he thought, and sensible. At least, based on his interactions with her. In his mind he also couldn't imagine Ayanami behaving that way either. Or Misato….

He grunted to himself as he realized he was ruminating on girls again. Not that this was a problem in itself, but it was considerably easier to do so when he lived at a distance from them. He would always have his wishes and desires with the unspoken certainty that he would never be able to act on them. Now he was surrounded by girls he interacted with every day. And he could never be honest with his feelings for any of them, because of what he knew would result.

He sighed again.

Shinji felt Penpen's bowl nudge against his leg, which brought him out of his thinking. "Oh, sorry." Shinji said and set about giving the penguin his supper. 

He heard Asuka's footsteps as he returned to the stove. When he glanced in her direction but had to do a double take.

Her blue crop top shirt and shorts had snagged his attention. The only other time he saw this much of her skin was the Red and white bikini. 

Her eyes snapped to him. "What are you looking at?" She asked angrily.

"Ah! Sorry!" Shinji replied and bowed over his cooking.

Asuka stepped to the bathroom door and asked flatly, "What are you making for dinner?"

"Uh," Shinji said without turning around, "Beans and curry, with chicken."

Asuka grunted. "Of course." She said, sighed, and pushed through the folding door into the bathroom.

Shinji side-eyed the clattering partition over his shoulder, then sighed with irritation as he continued making dinner. Once again she was judging his cooking and implying it was inferior. But how could he clap back at her when her plans for a nice dinner were canceled? That would be inconsiderate.

Using the new cooking spray reminded him of the shopping trip with Hikari. He wondered what the class rep was making now… It was probably better and more involved than the simple thing he was slapping together. 

If he was better, maybe his cooking could have made up for Asuka's canceled plans. Would she even appreciate the attempt though? Or like everything else, would it go completely unnoticed?

He finished making dinner dissatisfied with what he had made. It was barebones. It was not much better than a freezer meal. Asuka had every right to be disappointed.

She emerged then, and Shinji was already sitting down with a bowl. "Dinners ready." Shinji said with a note of disappointment in his tone.

Asuka acknowledged with a grunt as she moved in the kitchen and got her bowl, slipped her fork out of the drying rack, and stared into the pot. She sighed as she scooped out food and sat beside him at the table. Glancing at him, she saw the downcast look on his face. "What's wrong with you?"

"What?"

She sighed angrily, "Why am I surrounded by miserable people today? This is so depressing."

Shinji considered his response as he looked at her, but before he could muster the courage to voice his regret, the front door opened. "I'm home!" Misato's voice sang into the apartment.

"Welcome home!" The kids responded flatly.

Misato rounded the corner to see a pissed off Asuka and a despondent Shinji. Setting her mouth in a flat line she realized already it was going to be hard trying to cheer the kids up. Her carefree self was going to try anyway. "Dinner smells delicious, Shinji!"

Asuka scowled. "It's the most basic sustenance anyone can make other than oatmeal. You're getting excited about that?"

Misato spoke as she walked through the kitchen, "After an entire afternoon of nothing but protein bars, I'll take any home cooked meal."

Shinji caught on that this suggested she had a rough evening. "Did something happen?"

"Nothing to worry about." Misato dismissed with a hand wave as she stopped in the arch into the living room. She went on, "A mountain of paperwork and appropriations." She craned her head back a little. "Sync test scheduled for tomorrow. Don't forget."

"Okay!" Both kids said and Misato disappeared from sight.

The teens ate quietly for another moment. Shinji found his courage again. "Asuka, I'm s-"

"Don't say it." Asuka replied, finishing the last of her meal. She stood and rounded the kitchen table, then turned her head to lock eyes with him and slowed her step.

Shinji blinked as he stared back and wondered what she was doing.

But the moment passed and she closed her eyes while walking for the hallway. Just before she slipped out of sight, he said, "Asuka!"

She stopped.

"I… I'll try to cook better. I know this wasn't a replacement for…"

He wasn't sure how far to specify in earshot of Misato, and Asuka's utter lack of response made him fade to silence. After a second she kept walking, and Shinji heard her door close.

He was alone in the kitchen.

Hikari lay in the dark upon her bed, staring up at the ceiling with her eyes half closed. 

Sleep wouldn't come. She was too restless over what she was going to do tomorrow. How was she going to continue advancing this plan to get closer to Suzuhara? Did she even want that anymore?

No, of course she did. She wanted to get to know Suzuhara more ever since hearing about how he cares for his sister. She needed that kind of compassion in her life, and it didn't hurt that he was handsome too. 

And… Shinji…?

She sighed and rolled on her side. What was this, loneliness? Was she so desperate that she would chase after the latest boy that caught her attention? This didn't feel like promiscuity, but what was this otherwise?

Her fingers closed on the bedsheets. A part of her thought this whole thing was ridiculous, she was too busy for a relationship. Where did she think she was going to have the time for anything?

She wished she could talk to Kodama. Or someone. Someone to help her how to navigate these feelings and just… ground her. There was Asuka, but Asuka was part of the problem!

She rolled and grabbed her spare pillow, hugging it to herself. She had no one. That's why she needed someone.

She was alone in her quiet room.

Chapter Text

It was already hard enough to focus on class because of the teacher, but being half-day on Saturday just made it worse. Mercifully, Hikari already set the precedent of this being a computer day, so if the class was going to cut loose and be wild, it wasn't obvious.

Shinji usually used this time to get work done quietly, but today he found it hard to focus. Trying to work on his paper was making him feel uninspired, and his mind kept wandering over the events of the past few days.

Glancing at the back of the class rep's head, he found he didn't know how he was feeling about this connection growing between them. While it touched him to know the class rep was easy to talk to and understood some of his struggles, he didn't want to lean into it for fear of doing something wrong. And that could happen without knowing.

Which reminded him of his fiasco last night with dinner. Though a part of him was designed to the fact that he would never impress Asuka, another part of him wanted to try, and cooking was at least one way he knew he could get better. Perhaps he could learn something.

His eyes slid back to the best cook he knew personally. The one that seemed excited to help him improve.

It would be a harmless ask, surely. The more he thought about it, the more excited he was getting. He had to temper his enthusiasm though, he shouldn't expect her to say yes.

Hikari had been zoning out for much of the day, partly out of a rough night and partly from exhausting herself with overthinking this boy situation. Helping nothing was knowing she was wasting time and energy on this when there were other things she should be doing. Guilt was setting in over being a distracted Class Rep and a flighty homemaker. All because of boys.

When class ended she set into her work and tried to ignore focusing on Shinji or Toji too much. She was interrupted when the classroom was almost empty except for a couple of students.

Shinji asked. "Uh, Class rep?"

Hikari jumped a little as she faced Shinji. "Oh, Ikari! Hello! What could I do for you?"

Shinji hesitated. "S-sorry, I didn't mean to bother you…" 

"Not at all Ikari, I'm always happy to help. What can I do for you?" Hikari said. 

"Oh! Um… in that case… " Shinji said, pushing past his hesitance, "I was wondering if you could teach me to cook? I wasn't really happy with what I made last night. I want to do better… and I figured… um…"

Hikari absently squeezed her book bag as she answered, "I would be happy to teach you, Ikari." Without thinking she asked, "Are you free this evening?"

"Uh, no.." Shinji said as Rei finished packing and stood behind Shinji. "I have Eva tonight. What about tomorrow? At Misato's apartment?"

Hikari smiled. "That's best! It can be problematic to schedule things at my house. This way, I can teach you in your kitchen."

"Sounds great!" Shinji replied. "Well… see you tomorrow!"

"Okay!" Hikari replied, still smiling. She watched Shinji and Rei depart to leave her alone in the classroom. A minute later what just happened occurred to her and she froze.

She wasn't able to get close to Toji at all today. It hadn't even occurred to her to try with the funk she was in. Instead, she eagerly took up Shinji's request to teach *him how to cook. 

It's because he talks to me. He's approachable, her senses told her. When has Toji asked you for anything?

Hikari swallowed as trying to settle her feelings before they got the better of her. One thought managed to keep them in line:

You don't know Shinji that well. You don't know how he feels.

Her mind offered a rebuke as she closed up the classroom. 

You can, soon.

Shinji sighed in the elevator as he realized once again that he and Rei were traveling to the base without Asuka. The redhead's mood was probably still sour from losing the dinner date with Kaji, but there seemed to be little he could do about that. Besides, it was hard to feel completely sympathetic to Asuka getting excited about spending time with another guy- much less an older one. 

Shinji grunted with disgust at his own immaturity. It shouldn't matter, Asuka was Asuka, free to like who she liked. Why did he care?

He glanced at Rei, wondering if she heard him.

As what happens in moments like this with her just standing there, he flashed back uncomfortably to that one time he toppled onto her. It was the only experience he had with a girl who was naked, and it always tripped him up whenever he remembered. Especially because, more than once, he had fantasized where that encounter could have gone. It was one of his favorite fant-

"Ikari." Rei said suddenly, derailing his train of thought.

Shinji stammered as he tried to come back to the moment. "Uh, what ? Yes?"

Rei paused because she was about to point out his rumination again. Instead, she said, "How is your paper progressing?"

"Oh! Um, fine. Just fine." Shinji replied. Over the past few nights he had been putting in time to read because he didn't want to face the class rep again empty-handed.

She asked, "Have you learned anything?"

"Uh… sort of. Random stuff, I don't know if it's useful."

"I see." She said.

Shinji was a little disappointed that Rei hadn't requested to elaborate. He said, "U-um, have you learned anything?"

"I have been learning a great deal." Rei replied, "Would you like to hear about it?"

Shinji perked. When she was done he could ask if she wanted to know more about his paper. "Uh, sure!"

"I have learned that the theory of Existential Self began with the White Marker paper published in Dusseldorf, Germany 1972. It gained a revival after the Second Impact in order to explain some high level phenomenon experienced by 12% of the population after the impact occurred. The White Marker paper is recognized as the genesis of modern metaphysical science, and one of the key foundations of our current operational processes at NERV. Without which, we likely could not have accomplished much of the task of creating the Evangelions, much less operate them. The paper was criticized originally by Doctor Joseph M'benga, a then prominent scientific mind who-"

Shinji had been trying to follow on with utterances and nodding, but he found his mind wandering.

"-twenty unknown backers signed on to the project, which-"

The elevator opened to the base then. Rei turned her head. "We have arrived, Ikari."

"Oh! Uh, good!" Shinji said. Rei went out the elevator soundlessly and Shinji followed.

Rei asked as they walked, "Did you find my topic interesting?"

"Ah, well, it sounded pretty complicated." Shinji modestly had a hand on the back of his head. "I had a little hard time following."

"I see." Said Rei. "Then I should work on making it more succinct. Thank you."

"Y-youre wel-" was as far as Shinji got before they arrived at the lockers. Rei continued walking ahead to the female side, leaving Shinji alone on the gantry just outside of both doors. With a sigh, he went into the locker room he shared with no one.

Ritsuko had stared at the readout for twenty minutes before giving her first report. "Hmm."

Misato turned her head. "Hmm? What does that mean?"

Ritsuko was writing notes for half a minute. Misato's attention was about to jump when the head scientist of NERV finally replied. "Shinji is not where we expected him to be."

Misato walked to Ritsuko's station. "Is it something to be concerned about?"

"No, but probably." Ritsuko replied. As she felt Misato's eyes drilling into her, the scientist pulled her glasses off and said, "Shinji up until now has demonstrated steady progression. If he continues, he's expected to surpass Asuka."

"That's not happening?"

"Trends here suggests it will, but, later. Asuka is gaining as expected." 

"So not a problem now, but probably later because Shinji isn't a steady increase anymore."

"Correct."

Misato stared a moment as she wondered if this was information worth discussing. It wasn't. "Okay. Are we done?"

"We got what we needed to, so yes."

As he made dinner Shinji was painfully aware that the ramen in the pot was, likely in Asuka's eyes, little better than the instant crap Misato ate. Asuka's words from yesterday echoed in his head… all the more reason to ask Hikari for advice…

Shinji sighed as he considered the meal. Steam wafted from the noodles mixed together with eggs and chopped vegetables. He didn't consider himself a foodie, but it did look appetizing. "Dinner is ready!" He announced.

Both women were here. Misato had driven him home and Asuka was somewhere in the apartment already, still snubbing them. As he got a bowl and served himself some of the raman, he wondered briefly why Asuka had been in such a sour mood of late.

Misato, at least, was supportive. "This is delicious Shinji! But, I hope you don't mind…" she grabbed one of the curry packets from the cupboard.

"No, I don't." Shinji replied modestly with a small smile. Misato was Misato.

Shinji took a seat as Misato poured it over the bowl of ramen she had, and got herself a beer. "How did school go?"

"Uh… nothing out of the ordinary." Shinji replied, which was true. He then remembered the arrangement he made with Hikari and wondered how to raise it with his roommates. Then it occurred to him how awkward it was going to be to tell Asuka he invited her best friend to the apartment without telling her. He froze.

Just then Asuka came into the room. Her bony heels hitting the floor told everyone what mood she was in before they saw her face. For his own safety, Shinji kept his head down.

Asuka dropped into the seat beside Shinji and silently ate her food, fork crashing into the noodles and dinging on the bottom of the bowl.

Misato decided to prod. "So how was your day Asuka?"

"Fine." The girl replied flatly.

"Is your report going well?"

"Yes. Leave me alone."

Misato stared at Asuka for a moment, then sipped her beer and went about eating her food. Tense silence hung over the table.

Shinji grappled with confusion over this. More than usual, Asuka was being ornery and disagreeable. What was going on? Was she really that broken up about Kaji's missed date?

Shinji didn't have time to think about what to do about the situation before Asuka finished her meal and pushed away from the table. "I'm done."

Neither Shinji or Misato said anything as Asuka got up from the table and left.

Once she was gone, Shinji breathed out a sigh of relief. He asked under his breath, "What's wrong with her?"

Misato stared out the archway where Asuka had gone, then shrugged and said, "Female problems, maybe. You'll understand when you're older."

Misato missed the look of irritation Shinji flashed in her direction. That hadn't told him anything. He also knew from past experience that inquiring further on something like this- while she was in house clothes- only opened the door to being teased. So, he just dropped the matter and focused on finishing his meal. He forgot to mention Hikari coming over.

For Hikari, half day meant catching up on the big chores. Arriving at home she had a quiet lunch before embarking on the house wide dusting. With Kodama off at school and Nozomi at a friends' house, she was able to work uninterrupted.

She was able to think too.

Trapped in her own head as she moved about her house, she dwelt on the past week and what it meant. It seemed absurd that she was evidently falling so hard for Shinji so easily, but thinking about it, it was the same way with Toji. After learning he skipped class to be the only one visiting his hospitalized sister, it caught her attention and her sentiments. A boy dropping everything to care for one dear to him? She needed that.

Could Shinji provide that? Though he was clearly sensitive and noble, she wasn't sure. Toji seemed so self confident and safe, and she had crushed on him for far longer…

She sighed. 

She was cleaning the bathroom when she heard the front door open. It was Kodama. "I'm home!"

"Welcome home!" Hikari called from the bathroom. She pulled off her gloves and went downstairs to greet her sister.

Kodama had dropped her book bag and was in the kitchen making coffee. She looked up when Hikari came in and said, "Hi sis."

Hikari had been hoping on hearing their more intimate greeting and she stumbled a little when she didn't get it. Hikari's pace resumed as she asked, "How is it going?"

Kodama uttered, "For once, I wish I was at the restaurant."

Hikari's eyes bugged a little. Kodama found respite in the classroom since there she didn't face angry and entitled customers."That bad?" Hikari asked.

Kodama sighed, nodded, and said,"Let's just say a man decided to surprise me with the most awkward proposal for a date I've ever experienced."

"Oh?" Hikari replied, leading against another part of the counter. She settled in to be the ear for another one of her sister's complaints.

Kodama started brewing her coffee, saying, "The guy is like two years my junior and makes some big spiel about being a child genius who admired me from afar and wanted to make himself know with a private outing and blah blah blah." She brushed hair out of her face and resumed, "It was awkward as hell, but I just know he's going to keep trying again because I told him I was too busy for anything."

"You didn't just tell him no?" Hikari replied.

Kodama said, "Did I ever tell you about the guy who asked me out at the restaurant?"

"No."

"Some sensitive, poetic soul with a lot of the same lines. He broke down crying in the restaurant in front of his friends and their girlfriends. I guess the guy had talked me up to his buddies, but honestly? I couldn't pick him out from a line up. I serve almost a hundred customers a day. With what they said to me and the circus that cased I'm astounded I wasn't fired. I don't want to do that again."

"So what are you going to do?"

Kodama started fixing her coffee. "I don't know, I have to think of something. Right now I need to get ready for work and try to avoid thinking of clueless boys."

"Oh." Hikari said.

Coffee ready, Kodama stepped away from the counter and stopped to ask, "What about you, hanging in there?"

"Oh! Um… I'm okay."

"You sure?"

"Yes, it isn't important."

"Okay. I'm going to change upstairs and get going then."

"Alright."

Kodama left to go upstairs. Hikari stood in the kitchen once again, alone.

Chapter Text

Shinji's breakfast was a little more elegant than his dinners, but not more complicated: White rice with fresh eggs and toast. The only reason it wasn't disappointing is because breakfast was expected to be simple.

Shinji was still self conscious about it. He was aware he was being a little ridiculous being so hung up on making presentable food now, but he couldn't help it.

He was always the first one up in the morning. Misato was usually second, and as expected the older woman made her way into the living room like a zombie and groaned at Shinji.

He smiled at her as he stood in his place before the stove. "Coffee is brewing, breakfast will be ready in five minutes."

Misato moaned an acknowledgement and shuffled her feet into the bathroom. As Shinji worked, he noted that Misato seemed out of it more than usual. A late night? He would never know. When he asked about similar times in the past, her response was usually a thin excuse or teasing Shinji about prying into her private bedroom affairs. It was both alluring and tiring.

Asuka was always last to rise, though it was a roll of the dice on what kind of mood she was in when she appeared. A part of Shinji always braced for this inevitability, and based on last night he expected the worst.

When she did appear he was about to sit down with his breakfast. He tried not to stare as the redhead went through the motions of getting food herself, then sat down beside him.

Shinji was still on alert. Some mornings Asuka emerged full of energy and projected her mood easily. Other times, like this, she was an unexploded bomb. Was it live, or a dud? Shinji wanted to be nice to her, but if he said anything, would that set her off? Even wishing her good morning could create unpredictable results.

So he stayed quiet and respectful.

Misato came out of the bathroom then, spoiling the serenity. "Morning kids!" She chimed as she rounded the kitchen table.

"Good morning." Shinji replied in greeting. Asuka muttered hers in return.

Misato carried on gathering her breakfast as if nothing was wrong. Sitting down at the table she said, "You two are going to be having the house to yourselves today. Before lunch, Doctor Akagi and I are headed out to an event down in Tokyo-2 and we'll be down there all day."

Shinji, curious, asked "What kind of event?" The last time this happened he had to launch in his Eva to save the day.

Misato waved him off. "Not like before. This is just for us. It's less for work and more for the two of us to do something together." Frowning, she added, "Both of us are invited to a wedding next week and need to go shopping."

Asuka asked from across the table, "Is Kaji coming with you?"

"No." Misato said flatly, "He's refused my calls, so he's got no part of this."

Asuka stared a little before going back to her food. Shinji asked, "So if there's an attack…"

"The subcommander will handle it." Misato said, then added as she raised her beer can, "If not him, then, your father."

Shinji blinked at the mention of his dad. Nothing in his research so far had explained *why* his father was the way he was. And thinking about the man in the present tense brought up his discomfort. In that moment, Shinji wondered if his paper would make a difference after all in anything.

Asuka huffed. "Now you've done it Misato. He's going to get all weepy eyed about his dad now."

That snapped Shinji out of his thinking. "What?"

Asuka held her fork limp in her raised arm, her eyes staring deadpan at him. "You're so obsessed about your dad, Third. Why do you care? It's not like he cares about you."

Shinji shook his head and stared into his bowl. "He brought me here for a reason. He-"

Asuka interrupted him. "Yeah, because he needed you to pilot. He hasn't said two words to you since, has he?"

Shinji tried to think, but couldn't for long before Misato toned, "Asuka?"

"What?"

"Leave him alone."

Asuka pointed her fork at him, "His research paper is all about why he can't understand his dad." She looked at him, "I'm trying to tell you, Third, it's not worth it. Him, his opinion of you," She went back to eating, "Or his approval. Why do you even bother?"

Shinji stared into his bowl. "I… I don't know."

Asuka's level stare remained on him before she sighed and pushed herself out of her chair. "It's hopeless. I'm done."

As she left the table Asuka said, "Just call me if someone interesting shows up."

Misato and Shinji listened to Asuka go and close her door. Misato spoke first. "Don't take what she says to heart Shinji… I know relationships with parents can be… complicated."

"It's all right." Shinji said and left it at that. After breakfast, he started to clean up the kitchen.

Hikari rose at the crack of dawn. She had a lot to do that morning, as she did every morning.

Getting downstairs she started the stove going for breakfast. Rice cooker on. Fish pulled from the bag, washed, cut, and put on the pan. Eggs would be up next but they were cracked and ready. While she waited for the breakfast things to mature, she lined up everyone's lunches for the day. She had time to prepare them in advance yesterday, so it spared her some time this morning,

Kettle was on, sugar and creamer put into both with stir sticks ready. Her father had the unvarnished brown mug. Her older sister had the porcelain one with the flowers.

All these clockwork motions of the morning allowed Hikari to gradually wake up and become aware of the day. She could hear Kodama in the shower upstairs. Her father was probably taking it easy on the only day he had off in the week.

Today was the day she would tutor Shinji.

That thought gave her momentary pause, but after a nod she analyzed how she was going to fit this into her day. It wasn't hard, though quite a few tasks around the house had been bumped to today, Sunday, in order to accommodate tutoring Shinji and other things during the week. Everything had to be negotiated.

Kettle whistled, coffee was poured. Switch out the fish, clean the pan, prepare the eggs. Rice was ready.

Kodama came down first, dressed in her waitress unit form and holding her bag. "Morning." She greeted Hikari as she grabbed her bento to stuff into her bag. She started eating as she leaned against the wall, holding her bento. "I can't stay long," she said, "Someone published a bad review of our shop yesterday and the manager is looking for someone to fire."

"I… oh." Hikari said. 

Kodama, between mouthfuls, said, "One day we'll have a break. I'm sorry it couldn't be today."

Hikari perked up at her sister's compassion. "You're busy with important work though. School is important, and so is your job."

"Yes." Kodama said and glanced at the clock. She went on, "Good thing it's sunday, otherwise Nozomi wouldn't get to school on time."

Hikari sighed, "She always sleeps in late when she can."

Kodak's finished her coffee. "Im off to work. Enjoy your day Hikari."

That caught the girl off guard. "Oh? Uh, thank you. Good luck!"

Kodama was out the door when Nozomi finally came down, yawning loud. Without saying good morning she grabbed her plate and shuffled into the living room, where she would watch TV as she ate. Hikari stared at her the whole way through, knowing it was useless to shame her sister about anything. Half her responses were to ignore Hikari, and the other half was some variation on, "You're not mom, or dad, or Kodama!"

Hikari was tired of it, but there was no escape. This was her life.

She started to eat her own meal as she waited for her father to appear. When the stairs started to creak Hikari knew he was coming down. Bunzaemon Horaki held his tired stare as he shuffled into the kitchen to collect breakfast. "Morning." The stocky man rumbled.

"Good morning Father." Hikari replied with a bow.

Bunzaemon took his plate and coffee but stopped as he saw the bentos. "Are you going somewhere today?"

"Yes." Hikari nodded, "I'm helping a classmate learn how to cook."

"That german girl? Or is it that jock you don't like?"

"Ah, well, neither actually. Someone new."

"Oh." Bunzaemon said, then not wanting to put more thought into it, continued on his way to the living room. There he would watch and comment upon Nozomi's cartoons until she left the room or retrieved the morning paper for him to read instead.

Hikari finished her breakfast, then went upstairs to take care of her appearance for the day. On a normal school day she would then get ready for the walk to school. Today, she would use that one time to catch up on her studies.

Shinji remembered that the class rep was coming to the apartment a half hour after Misato had left. He wondered if he should call her to tell her but decided to let it drop. On the past she didn't seem phased when Shinji's friends dropped in.

He didn't know how he was going to tell Asuka.

Her mood this morning hadn't improved at all, so he had a hard time thinking about how to approach the news. Maybe Hikari had said something to her by now? Weren't they best friends? Asuka hadn't said anything about it though.

He couldn't make up his mind. Mostly because, unlike Misato, Asuka very much made a big deal of guests coming over, especially when Shinji's invited them. But this was her best friend, perhaps that would make her happy? But Hikari was coming to help Shinji on his request…

He should have asked Asuka first, he realized. Hikari was Asuka's friend after all, so he did cross a line. But… he wouldn't have expected her to talk to him if, for example, Asuka wanted to speak with (however unlikely) Toji. And the class rep didn't ask Asuka about tutoring Shinji so… what was proper?

How was he going to get out of this?

He had until noon. He put off the decision by doing some homework, then tried to come up with a solution while listening to music in the living room with his eyes closed.

He was aware then of something amiss and peeked his eyes open. He jerked as he saw Asuka standing over him, getting a view up her long legs and past her breasts into her face. She asked flatly, "What are you doing?"

"N-nothing!" Shinji replied and got himself into a sitting position, "Just… listening to music."

Asuka put her hands on her hips. "Are you going to do that all day?"

"N-no…" Shinji replied,"Why? What do you want?"

Asuka sighed. "I'm getting bored. Since you're the only other person here, I might as well do something with you."

Shinji's emotions tumbled. Hikari hadn't told Asuka. Asuka asked him specifically for something to do- a rarity. What should he do with this information? He didn't have time!

"Uh, well," Shinji said as he glanced at the clock. He had two hours until Hikari was due to arrive. "Actually, the class-"

The phone rang. Asuka surprised Shinji by turning to answer the phone. Was it the class rep? In his mind Shinji could see disaster approaching from Asuka learning that Hikari was coming here without her knowing. He slowly grew white as a sheet as Asuka crossed the room to the phone and picked it up.

"Katsuragi residence." She said, then sharply inhaled before blasting, "Kaji!! I've been dying to hear from you, where have you been!?"

Shinji was frozen in the living room. Relief came upon him that it wasn't the class rep, but sadness did also. Nothing he could ever do would make her this excited for him.

"Really?! Yes, I'll be ready in a few moments! See you soon!"

Shinji heard the phone click and the thumping of Asuka's feet. "Asuka-" he said half-heartedly, but the girl didn't hear him, running to her room with the wild expression of someone possessed. When the door thunked closed he knew it would be impossible to reach her now.

He got up off the floor and went to get a drink, waiting for the inevitable. Kaji arrived within twenty minutes and Shinji let him in.

The man adored by the women in Shinji's life was wearing the same unkempt business shirt, loose tie, and casual swagger he always did. "Hi Shinji, it's been a while. How are things?"

"Good." Shinji said simply. For conversation he added, "Miss Misato is out for the day."

"Yeah, I knew. I don't think she's very happy with me right now, but I had some business to take care of from your father."

Shinji hesitated. "Oh." He said. 

Kaji shrugged. "My little errand wouldn't stop me from seeing Asuka for once, so I thought I'd take her with me." Kaji considered Shinji and said, "You could come too, if you wanted to get out of the house."

"Err… thank you, but I'm expecting company later."

"Ah." Kaji replied, "Enjoy then. Not often you get the house to yourself."

Asuka came out then, wearing the same short white shorts and a blue crop top she wore yesterday evening. Seeing this stung Shinji with disappointment as he realized… she must have worn the outfit to goad him if she couldn't wear it for Kaji. Even this told him, with her, he would always be second best.

 "Okay!" She said, breathy and excited, "Lets go!"

Kaji saluted Shinji on his way out. "Later Ikari, enjoy your company later."

"Bye." Shinji said, eyes tracking the wide-eyed Asuka clinging to Kaji's arm. Not once did she look in Shinji's direction as she held on to the older man as they left.

After they were gone the house was quiet and still. Shinji moved to get more water for his glass. Transported to the same serenity of his Sensei's place, he wondered again if anything had truly changed since those days. He was no closer to understanding anything about his father, and he couldn't say he really counted on anyone here. And the recent disappointment that he would never mean anything to Asuka put his mind in a melancholy mood.

Exhaling with a sigh he finished his glass of water then moved off to find something to do to kill time.

Kaji promised the arcades in Yamanashi, but first there were a few mundane stops around town. Asuka waited patiently, accompanying him on some of the shops and other times just waiting in the car. Kaji was filling her in on all the things he had seen on his ventures.

"My Fuji still has its timeless beauty, even in spite of the impacts." Kaji said. "It has never changed as I've grown up."

Asuka sighed. "All these wonderful places you're going without me, Kaji. I wish I could come too, instead of being stuck at Misato's."

"Someone's gotta keep Shinji company." Kaji replied.

Asuka, disgusted, crossed her arms. "Him? I'd rather fall off my Eva."

Kaji tipped an eyebrow as he side-eyed the girl. "I thought you two were getting along."

"We never got along." Asuka muttered, "If you were over more often, you would see that."

Kaji hid his sigh at her biting remark, and said instead, "Sometimes we need exposure to different people in order to learn how to live. You're never going to find someone which you have no disagreements with on some level."

"Disagreeing over breakfast is one thing. But he and I… there's fundamental, diametric opposition! He has zero ambition, no self direction in life, and he's so soft he can hardly be considered a man! He's nothing like you, Kaji!"

Kaji side-eyed Asuka as he drove, before saying, "You've also seen how he can be brave and headstrong. That stunt at Mount Asama to save you was unauthorized, remember."

Asuka fell quiet at first, then said, "He was only doing me a favor. I already paid him back for that."

"Hmm. Transactional then. Is that how you see it?"

"How else am I supposed to take it?" She crossed her arms again as she said, "I don't want to talk about Shinji anymore. Tell me about where you're taking me!"

"Okay." Kaji chuckled as they headed out of town.

Out of the corner of her eye Asuka saw a figure on the sidewalk carrying a pot and some cookware. The face and hair looked familiar, and she wondered if it was Hikari. The car was already moving, and she couldn't see the figure any more as they went further down the street.

Kaji was speaking. In that moment it occurred to her that with Shinji expecting company, would it be Hikari? Perhaps cooking something special, with Shinji?

Before she further considered this development, she threw it all away. She was *finally going to spend an evening with the man she really loved- *Ryoji Kaji- and would leave behind the stupid, sad, confusing boy and his hangups. She wanted the company of a *real* man, one who communicated his intentions clearly.

She allowed herself to get carried away by her crush, and think nothing more about unimportant matters.

Chapter Text

As Hikari walked, it occurred to her how little she wore anything other than her school uniform in public. She sighed then, figuring it was no wonder anyone couldn't see her as anything but the class rep.

Hopefully this could be the start of changing that, she thought. Her head dipped as she added to herself, “at least for one person…”

Today she was wearing a striped white and blue shirt under a yellow dress. It was quite the contrast to her usual stiff blue school uniform. Though as she thought about it, didn't Asuka have a yellow sun dress?

I didn't choose this dress on purpose, she wondered, did i? She didn't think much about her outfit this morning when she grabbed it… except maybe thinking of something nice she'd want to wear to Misato's place.

Going up the elevator reminded her of the day she ran into Suzuhara and Aida, also here to check on Shinji. Though it was just a couple of months ago, it felt much longer. Things were different between her and Suzuhara even then. It was only later…

She slowed to a stop as she stood before the doorway to Misato's place. Music, some sort of string instrument, was humming into the hallway. She looked around and listened.

She had been certain Misato was the only tenant on this floor of the apartment block, if not the building. So she could only assume the player was in Misato's unit. Was it Asuka? Crap, Hikari hadn't told Asuka she was coming. What kind of impression would it leave that Hikari came calling for Shinji?

No, she was getting ahead of herself. It would have been Shinji's responsibility to tell Asuka she was coming. Yes, that's what she would assume. If she then complemented Asuka on her playing that might also derail any accusations that Hikari was snubbing her friend.

She stopped herself and wondered why she was going through all of this with her best friend? Why was she sneaking behind Asuka's back? And… why didn't she…

Hikari casually glanced at her watch and read it was ten after. She was late. Hurriedly she turned and rang the doorbell. The music stopped.

She squared her shoulders and prepared to face whatever was on the other side. She was here to help Shinji. She assumed Shinji told his roommates she was coming. It would all be okay.

The door opened and Shinji was on the other side. "Oh! Class rep! You're here!"

Hikari smiled. "Hello Ikari, I'm sorry I'm late."

"It's fine, come in." Shinji replied. As Hikari pushed her shoes off, Shinji asked her, "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Um, yes, black tea if you have any."

"Yes! I'll get some for you." Shinji said and together they went down the hall.

He filled the kettle as Hikari set her cooking pot and items on the kitchen table. She looked around and she saw the cello. She looked at it for a moment, then asked, "Are… Asuka or Miss Misato here?"

The kettle was on. Shinji said, "No. Miss Misato Is out for the day… Asuka is with Mister Kaji."

Hikari glanced over at Shinji. He hadn't turned around. "Oh…" she said.

Now Shinji glanced at her, "Is that all right?"

"Um.." Hikari perked. Her class rep sense was telling her to leave. Alone in the house with a boy? With *Shinji?* What would people think? What would Asuka think?

But she wanted to be here. Maybe there could be compromise… he did ask for help after all. "Well… for lunch at least. I don't want to take up too much of your time."

Shinji smiled. "Okay."

Just then the freezer unit opened and out came a penguin. Seeing Hikari, Penpen squawked and bounced over to her. Hikari came down to his level to pet his head. "Hello Penpen!"

"Wark!" The bird responded.

Shinji poured tea for both of them and set a timer on the stove while they steeped. Glancing at Hikari, he said, "I think you're the only person he comes to like that."

"Really?" Hikari replied with a smile. Her voice sounded melodious to Shinji then. After petting Penpen once more she stood and moved to the sink to wash her hands. "So… um," she said, "I'm starting to get hungry, should we get started?"

For lunch Shinji was going to make himself ramen. Hikari volunteered to show him her method. "It's a little fancier and a little extra work, but we need to start somewhere, right?"

Directing Shinji, she instructed him to use a high walled skillet instead of a pot. It was so unusual for Shinji that he quickly went into a mode of obeying Hikari's instructions without question, deciding to let her take responsibility for any mistakes that resulted.

But that wasn't to say it was a passive instruction.

"What do you do in this step?" She asked him.

"Uhm…." Shinji thought, "It… makes a sauce?"

"Yes." Hikari said, "Adding the cooking water back in will mix with the bacon fat and become a marinade sauce. It flavors the rest of the ramen as you stir the noodles."

Shinji stared into the pan. To this revelation he said, "Huh!" 

They moved on, Hikari quizzing and reinforcing his knowledge when she could, though never testing him with hard questions or rebukes. Even when they sat down to eat, Shinji still found himself engaged thinking about how the meal was prepared. It occurred to Shinji then how much of a good teacher Hikari was after all.

Hikari toasted him with a pinch of the ramen in the chopsticks she was using. "First bite!"

"Mmn!" Shinji replied and with her (and Penpen), bit into the first taste.

Hikari smiled. "This is good!"

"Really?" Shinji replied.

Hikari nodded. "Yes! Don't you think so?"

Shinji took another bite and thought about it. "Y-you're right!"

Hikari smiled at him. "You did it Shinji!"

Shinji blushed a little, "Well… with your help…."

"Nonsense." Hikari replied and leaned forward. "Nobody becomes a good cook without learning from somewhere. Whether it's experimenting on your own…" she made a modest face, …"and accepting your mistakes…" eyes on him again, "or learning from someone else, you learn by doing. That's why it was important that you made this meal."

Shinji stared down at his bowl as he thought about, of all things, Eva. It was true then too, he was getting better with practice. "So if I practice this more, I'll get better at it."

"Mmnhmm!" Hikari nodded enthusiastically. Taking a guess, she said, "That's probably why you real good with the Cello."

"Uhn?" Shinji uttered and stared at the instrument still lying in the stand at the other end of the table. "Oh! Uh… how did you know?"

"I heard you when I was coming in." Hikari replied, "You play really well, Ikari."

Shinji shook his head. "I just play to have something to do. I'm not really good, it's just that nobody told me to stop."

"Oh?" Hikari replied and glanced at the instrument. "Well, you could have fooled me. I heard the instruments like that need dedication to master it. How long have you been playing?"

Shinji looked at it, shrugged, and said, "Eight years?"

Hikari, surprised, said, "That's a long time! And you stuck with it? That's impressive!"

Shinji's instinct of modesty kicked in. He shook his head. "It was just something to do, like I told you."

"Ikari, give yourself more credit." Hikari said. When she got his eyes she smiled and said, "You can tell yourself that it doesn't matter, but if it didn't, you wouldn't have pulled it out to play. Why did you do it, instead of watching TV?"

Shinji stared back at the instrument in contemplation. "I… I don't know."

Hikari studied Shinji for a moment and saw him struggle with how to answer her question. "Well, maybe it might come to you the next time you play." When he looked at her she smiled and said, "After all, there's a chance you might remember this conversation when you do."

He smiled. "Yeah…."

They ate in silence for a moment. Shinji was grappling with the question Hikari just gave him. Hikari was wrestling with an impulsive thought. To distract herself, after she finished her bowl she asked, "Do you want seconds?"

"Oh! Yes, please!" Shinji replied, taking two more big bites before passing it to Hikari. She took it with a smile and walked to the counter to dish out more.

Seeing her at this angle he was struck at how… domestic the vision looked. In her longer casual dress, standing in front of the stove, this vision was unlike anything he experienced: a homely girl in his kitchen doing something for him.

Before he could get too excited about this notion, his brain asked, what are you doing for her, you charity case?

That thought simmered Shinji's excitement down by the time Hikari returned with his bowl. "T-thank you." Shinji replied out of habit.

"You're welcome." Hikari replied with a grin.

Shinji was collecting his thoughts when Hikari asked, "So um… was there… Anything else you wanted me to teach you? Maybe how to make a dinner recipe, perhaps?"

"Oh! Um…" Shinji struggled because that's the exact reason he asked for Hikari's help. Though, somehow that didn't feel as urgent as it did before.  

When he looked at her she said, "I can stay a bit longer if you like. I enjoyed it."

Shinji blinked. "R-really?"

Hikari smiled. "Yeah, actually… I know it's a bit of a stereotype since I'm the class rep, but I never get to really teach people one on one. I've had a lot of fun teaching you how to cook and how to write your essay." Her eyes drifted across the table as she uttered, "I like knowing I'm useful…"

"Me too." Shinji found himself uttering.

There was a pregnant pause as the two of them finished lunch. Hikari finished first, then stood up to clean up her bowl. As she did she was lost in thought, wondering how this encounter was going to go. It felt wonderful to teach Shinji, but just being in his presence wasn't doing anything for her. Not yet, anyway.

Shinji spoke from behind her, "Um, you don't have to do that. That's my job."

Hikari perked a little, then looked down to realize she cleaned the cooking utensils and was part way through scrubbing out the skillet. Startled, she said, "Ah! Sorry it's… it's force of habit!"

"It's all right." Shinji replied, "You can sit down, I'll take care of this."

"R-right…" Hikari replied and trotted towards the refrigerator as Shinji picked up where she left off. She was stunned at his invitation but cannot place why. Then she realized… nobody ever took a task from her and insisted she sit. She was always the hostess and servant. For once, she didn't have to be. 

Her eyes scanned the refrigerator idly and came to rest on a paper where Shinji's name was scribbled repeatedly. She realized it was a chore chart, and took note of all the things Shinji was directed to do. She also noticed Asuka's name wasn't on it.

She stared at it until Shinji was done and came over. Seeing what she was looking at, he uttered "Oh… um… I'm not good at rock paper scissors…"

Realizing he caught her prying, Hikari stood. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be snooping…"

Shinji shrugged and smiled. "It's alright, it's not exactly a secret or anything."

"You do everything?"

"Um…. Yeah. But... I don't mind."

Hikari didn't say anything for a moment. It was enough to make Shinji hesitate. "Uh…"

"Ikari… how do you… keep from being overwhelmed?" She asked.

Shinji didn't know what she meant at first, until he glanced back at the chore chart. "Well…. Um.." He uttered. He hadn't thought about that aspect before. "I guess I just… don't really think about it. I just do it… it takes up some time but… I have to do something to earn my keep."

"But…. Everything?"

"....yes." Shinji replied.

After another pause, she asked, "Do Asuka or Miss Misato ever say thank you?"

Shinji started to feel uncomfortable, though not with her. "No… and… they don't have to."

Hikari breathed before she punched her friendship with Asuka. "Since you're the only one keeping the house from falling apart, it would be nice to hear a thank you now and again, wouldn't it?"

Shinji hesitated as if struck. Then, with a tone more sincere than Hikari had ever heard from him, Shinji uttered a disappointed, "Yes, it would."

She glanced at one of the chairs, then moved it to sit in it. Shinji joined her in another seat. After a moment, Hikari made a sad smile and asked him, "Have I told you about my family, Ikari?"

"Um… some details… but not a lot."

"Mhm. My family is as thankless as yours." Hikari replied. Her crassness surprised both of them, but after realizing how put upon Shinji was for his everyday life, something broke in the class rep. Hikari went on, "My father is an overworked, underpaid salaryman. My older sister attends college and works at a seedy restaurant to make ends meet. My little sister can't be bothered to do anything unless I harass her. Who do you think is left to take care of things around the house?"

Shinji was catching on. "It's you."

"It's me, the full-time class rep." Hikari echoed. She took in a breath then sighed, "I'm only as good of a cook as I am because I was the only one tired of eating takeout for the rest of our lives. It wastes money, and it's unhealthy. The rest of my family doesn't care."

Shinji nodded as he compared what he was hearing to his own experiences. He nodded at the chore chart saying, "It's… it's the same. Miss Misato… can't cook."

Hikari made a tired smile as she cynically wondered if Toji accounted for that with his crush on the woman. What was going on? Hikari was feeling disgusting being this bitter, but the broken dam continued to flow. Because it also felt good to run her feeling honestly .. even to Ikari. "When you were absent that first week of school… Did you run away?"

"Yes. You didn't know?"

"It was a rumor, but I didn't want to assume for sure. Now that I know you deal with all of this, while piloting Eva and everything else, I'm not surprised." She turned her head away a little and punched something else with her intentions. Something she refused to acknowledge. "There's a rumor Toji hit you and blamed you for his sister getting hurt."

When Shinji said nothing, Hikari sighed, "You don't have to answer. I see you two made up and I don't want to get him in trouble either. I just imagine, with all that, why *would* you stay here?"

Shinji hesitated, then pushed himself out of his comfort zone. "Did you ever think about running away?"

Hikari shrugged. "Where would I go? Besides, too many people and things depend on me. If I ran away, what would that look like on my school record? How would any adult take me seriously? I'd tarnish the class rep reputation my sister built up when she was in school. Things would be worse when I got back and… I'm… I'm trapped."

Hikari hadn't revealed those sentiments to anyone- not even her sister. In that moment she realized what she had done, and suspense was dawning on her from oversharing innermost thoughts to a relative stranger. Or… was he?

"I…" Shinji uttered, his voice cracking, "I'm… trapped… piloting Eva."

Their eyes met. Something in him allowed Shinji to trust her- the first person he trusted in years. "This… I'm worthless… without Eva. The only reason anyone needs me is because I pilot. If… if I give it up, what use am I to anyone?"

Shinji shook his head, then turned it to look at the refrigerator. "I was comfortable before… but… that's not living, it's just existing. I… sometimes… I wondered what the point of it all was. My father didn't want me, and my mother is gone. My teacher… he put up with me, but he's not…"

"Not family."

"No. I… I have no one. Had no one, before my…"

"He brought you here to pilot the Eva, didn't he."

Shinji nodded. "Otherwise… I…."

Hikari stared. "But you want to know if that's true, which is why you're writing your paper."

"Yes."

Hikari smiled. "I still think it's an admirable thing to do, you know."

"I'm… I'm just a sad, desperate loser."

"If that were true, you wouldn't be trying anyway, because what would be the point?" Hikari looked down at her hands. "I guess us stupid, overworked kids need to have some kind of hope, right?"

In spite of himself, Shinji smiled a little. "Yeah."

They looked at one another. Hikari glanced away first, but then looked at him again and said, "Thank you for listening, Shinji. I don't really have anyone to talk to about… things like this… not anymore."

Shinji asked, "What about Asuka?"

Hikari shook her head. "No… no. She doesn't understand… drudgery. I'm sure she's an excellent Eva pilot… but…" she punched the friendship again while she said, "I wouldn't be surprised if she couldn't be bothered to cook or clean up after herself."

"No." Shinji said, "She really can't."

Smiling at one another again, Hikari said, "I'm glad I got to talk to you, Ikari. If… if you don't mind, I would like to keep talking like this. That is, if it isn't a problem."

"No. Not at all… class rep."

"Please, call me Hikari."

"Then… you can call me Shinji."