Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sarah had been thrilled about the idea right away.

Of course, she had been. And Tommy had been aware of that. The bastard really knew what he was doing. It had been his intention to ask Joel so right in front of his daughter, since they were both aware of that she would instantly agree to it.

Sarah had always wanted a little sister, already her entire life. But before Joel and Sarah’s mother could have fulfilled her that wish, his wife had got ill. Sarah had been just five years old, when her mother had passed away.

That was almost twelve years ago now, but Joel had never brought it over his heart to date someone else. Sarah’s mother had been the love of his life. He actually still loved her unconditionally until this day and besides, after his wife had passed away, he just hadn’t found any time to just think about seeing someone.

Joel was still wearing his wedding ring in memory of his beloved wife, to honor the mother Sarah had lost way too early, when she had still been too young to be able to understand why she had to leave them. But over the years, Joel had also figured out that the ring was saving him from intrusive women, just another reason he kept wearing it.

Even when Joel actually had time now for a new relationship with Sarah being almost seventeen now and her even going to college soon, he still didn’t feel like dating at all.

Damn, Sarah had grown up so fast. Way too fast for his liking. Joel already missed her now, even though she was still living with him and it was still almost one year to go until his little baby will go to college and leave him alone for real.

Already now, he didn’t know what he will do without her. The last seventeen years, she had constantly been by his side. Joel actually didn’t even know how to function without taking care of a child and being there for her with every day. He will be a mess without his baby girl.

And even after all this time and also after trying so hard to make up for everything, Joel still felt bad because he had missed out so much of Sarah’s life with working way too much, especially when she had been younger. Joel wished to have had more time with his daughter together back then, when she had actually still needed him.

But things had changed. His baby had grown up, she actually didn’t need him at all anymore. Sarah had become a smart, aspiring, independent, beautiful young woman, who exactly knew what she wanted. Joel sometimes really asked himself how on earth she had turned out that way with him as her father.

And he was also aware of that nowadays he was more dependent on Sarah than she was on him. Sometimes Joel really wished to be able to go back in time to be more there for her younger self, when she had still needed him in her life. But sadly, things hadn’t been that easy back then like they were now. It was a miracle to him that Sarah had turned out the way she had nowadays with his lack of presence, knowledge and parenting she had to witness.

Joel didn’t have to worry about money so much any more compared to just a few years ago. But money wasn’t everything, since you just couldn’t pay for more time with your baby girl.

It was unfair, but now that he finally had the money to stay at home more often, his baby girl didn’t need him anymore. At least not as much and not the way she had needed him just a few years ago.

Joel liked to think that Sarah had never missed out on anything, but he knew he could have given her more of his time and attention. That time he had now, but which he would have actually needed when his little girl had been younger.

Joel had asked Sarah, when she had still been a little kid, a few times if she was missing some kind of mother figure in her life. Maybe if she had told him that she did miss having such a figure in her life indeed, Joel would have agreed to some dates, but Sarah had always reassured him that she wasn’t missing out on anything, which had relieved him.

First, because he didn’t have to go on dates, while his heart did actually still belong to his wife and second, he obviously seemed to do something right with her not missing out on anything. Especially when Sarah added that just having a dad was already enough for her and that she didn’t need someone else in her life.

Besides, there was also uncle Tommy and later also aunt Maria. And even though his baby had always reassured him that she was doing fine without any mother figure, Joel was still relieved about Maria joining their little family, so Sarah had someone to go to, someone to talk to, especially when she had become older.

Nonetheless, Joel still knew that Sarah had always wanted a little sister, even though she had stopped to ask for one after her mother had passed. But he was still aware of that this childhood dream of hers was still present in her heart, even after all this time.

So when they had been over at Tommy’s place the other day and his brother had brought it up, the older Miller instantly knew that he stood no chance.

A friend of Maria, her name was Marlene and Joel was sure about that he had already met her once or twice at a birthday party or at a barbecue, was a social worker and was looking for a temporary place for a little girl to stay.

Actually, Marlene had asked Maria and Tommy for it, but since their little baby boy was just a few months old and they already had more than enough to do with him, Tommy had suggested his older brother for that job.

Before Joel could have even spoken up, Sarah had already confirmed to her uncle that they will do it.

So, the decision had been made right in that moment without them even asking him how he was feeling about it or if he wanted to do so, why Joel found himself sitting by the dining table with a coffee mug in his hand now, waiting for said girl’s arrival.

Nervously, he was bouncing his leg, since he still wasn’t so sure if this had even been such a great idea in the first place. Or more precise, to what Sarah had agreed to here, since he had actually never been asked about it in the first place.

The girl in question probably couldn’t care any less. His daughter was sitting all expectant by the window looking out onto their front porch to be able to spot Marlene’s car the moment she will drive around the corner.

Since they had got to know about that a little girl will live with them about two weeks ago, Sarah had constantly been making preparations. By now, she was a fidgeting mess, being all excited and thrilled about finally meeting the girl, to spend some time with her together and finally be an older sister. Even when it was just for a few weeks.

Like the bossy little thing she had always been, Sarah had commanded her father the last few days to get everything prepared in time for the girl’s arrival. They had arranged the guest room the best way possible.

The last three days, Joel had spent with carrying boxes filled with old clothes and toys from Sarah’s childhood down from their attic. She wanted their little guest to feel all comfortable and welcomed and so did Joel as well, but he still wasn’t that thrilled about it like his daughter was with once again worrying too much and overthinking everything for once again.

Joel got thrown out of his thoughts, when Sarah suddenly began to cheer and clap her hands, as she sprang to her feet to rush over to the front door.

“They are finally here, dad!”

Joel took one deep breath through then, he also took one more sip of his coffee with looking for strength, before he stood up as well to join his daughter in the hallway, right in front of the door.

While they listened to the car doors getting opened and closed and the already familiar voice from Marlene, since the woman had been over at their place a few times to make sure this was really a good place for the girl to stay, like Tommy had promised her, Joel laid his arm over Sarah’s shoulders, also to make her stop shaking so much.

He was actually glad to see her this thrilled and excited about it, but he still hoped that this right here won’t backfire in some kind of way. Sarah was even squeaking as they could hear the knock by the front door, before she reached forward to answer it.

Joel held his breath and he also had to admit that his heart was racing faster as well, when also because of a different reason than Sarah’s.

He didn’t know what he had actually expected, but when Marlene had told them that she was looking for a shelter for a twelve-year-old girl, he hadn’t expected such a small and fragile looking girl, like the one standing right next to Marlene on their front porch.

Maybe because Sarah had at least been one head taller than her when she had been that age back then, but his girl had always been pretty tall. And Sarah had also always looked older than her age, already back then, which didn’t do any good to Joel’s constant worries and fears, but that girl right in front of him looked actually way younger than her age.

Or maybe he did just imagine things, overreacting once again, with being used to a different girl, when Sarah had been in her age. Because if he wouldn’t know the girl’s real age, he would have guessed her to be possibly be ten years old.

She also still had that baby softness to her cheeks, making her look even younger. Joel couldn’t help it and thought that Ellie had been most likely a premature birth.

The girl looked pretty slim, almost thin. Her dark hair, she had pulled into a messy ponytail and even though she didn’t really dare to peek up at them, Joel had still noticed her dark brown eyes when she had shyly glanced up at him for one quick moment when Sarah had opened the front door. She was a cute little thing nonetheless, all button nose and big, round eyes.

The little girl was wearing an old, dirty shirt, underneath a long-sleeved shirt, some jeans with already a few holes in it and worn-out shoes. Because of her paleness, she also came across kind of unhealthy, when not even sick. Joel actually didn’t know anything about her backstory, only that she originally came from Boston and didn’t have it any easy in her life so far as an orphan.

And the girl also looked like she really didn’t have it any easy in her young age so far. Also the old, scarred cut running through one of her eyebrows told him so. Her body and also her body language just showed him how much she had already been through in her short life, as did the sad, insecure look in her face. But at the same time, the girl also looked like a fighter, like her not giving up so easily. She was a survivor.

But nonetheless, Joel instantly felt sorry for her.

From the corner of his eyes, he had also noticed Sarah’s surprised reaction with seeing the girl for the first time, since she had probably also expected someone else. But she caught herself quickly again with always trying to show manners and be nice with greeting the two of them all friendly

“Hey. I’m so excited, we have already been waiting for you.”

Sarah looked at both of them, Marlene and the girl, but only the woman met her eyes, while the girl still preferred to look at her old Converse.

“Sorry it took us longer than expected. But yeah, here we are.”

Marlene replied politely for both of them, maybe also a little out of breath.

Their three pair of eyes then landed over to where the girl was standing and still trying to avoid their eyes. After seconds of waiting for her to response anything or to just look up at them, Marlene finally added with trying to get over this kind of bumpy start

“Well, this is Ellie.”

Of course, Joel had already known the girl’s name before, but it was something else to have a face to the name now.

“Ellie, this is Joel.”

The girl in question peeked up then to take a quick look at him, but the moment their eyes met, she did already sink her gaze again.

Joel didn’t know what Marlene had told her about them and the place she will stay for the next time, but he was sure about that the woman had at least told her their names. But something also told Joel that Ellie had perhaps still expected something or someone else. Just like Sarah and he actually had.

The little girl’s behavior only caused Joel to worry even more and to also ask himself what had happened to her to be that shy and quiet. He hesitated for one moment too long with looking down at her with knitted brows, being lost in his thoughts and worries. Why he didn’t even get the chance to offer her his hand, even though something told him, that Ellie wouldn’t have taken it anyway.

Well, she didn’t seem to be any happy about her current situation, she obviously wasn’t any thrilled about staying with them at all.

When Joel then only kept on looking down at the little girl all worriedly without saying anything in return, Marlene finally added and gestured over to his daughter standing next to his side

“And this is Sarah, Joel’s daughter.”

At least Sarah had more manners than him.

“It’s really nice to meet you, Ellie. I’m sure we will have a great time together.”

The little girl dared to peek up at Sarah for some longer, but in the end, she also looked down on her sneakers again, only nodding slightly her head in response.

To help Marlene with this awkward situation and their bumpy start, Joel finally got back to life and remembered about his manners, as he cleared carefully his throat and offered helpfully

“Why don’t you guys already head inside, while I will take Ellie’s belongings from the car?”

He could tell that Sarah probably just wanted to say that this was a good idea and already wanted to invite them inside, when Marlene stopped her from doing so in the last moment with returning

“We actually already have Ellie’s belongings with us.”

Joel first only frowned at Marlene’s words with not getting it what the woman was talking about, until he finally noticed the old bag the girl was grasping in her small hands. Was she seriously telling them that all of Ellie’s belongings did fit into this small bag?

Obviously feeling uncomfortable, when not even ashamed about that fact, he had to watch how Ellie did bite down onto her lip and shifting from one foot to the other. Fuck. It hadn’t been his intention to make her feel that uncomfortable, embarrassed way. Great. Well done, Joel.

“Okay. Then..” He cleared his throat once more, before he stepped aside and gestured for them to step inside “..come in.”

When Ellie passed him by, he thought that she had pulled her shoulders up to her ears, almost like she was trying to make herself smaller. She was also almost rushing past him, watching him and every of his movements closely from the corner of her eyes.

Marlene refused Joel’s offer for some coffee, since she was actually in a hurry and already needed to go to her next appointment in a few minutes. She once again remembered Joel about the most important things he had to pay attention to while Ellie will live with them.

He also needed to sign a few papers with being responsible for her as long as she will stay with them. Joel actually still wasn’t sure about if this had really been such a great idea, but for that it had already been too late now anyway.

Also because Sarah had already dragged Ellie into the living room, showing the girl around the house, the moment Marlene had once again begun to mention the rules to Joel he had to follow. By the time Marlene was leaving, the two girls were already exploring the second floor.

Joel held on for one moment to take a deep breath through, after he had heard Marlene’s car driving away through the closed front door, before he joined the two of them upstairs.

“That’s my dad’s bedroom.”

According to the short interval between letting the girl know so and already telling her what was behind the next door, Joel could tell that Sarah had probably only let Ellie peek inside his bedroom.

“And this is my room.”

Of course, his daughter took her time with showing her new little friend her own room more extensively. Also, with letting her step inside to take a closer look. His bedroom was boring anyway, nothing that could get a twelve-year old’s interest.

Joel was watching them from the doorway, leaning against the door frame with crossed arms in front of his chest. Even though he only saw Ellie from behind, he could still tell that the girl was impressed about Sarah’s room, with looking around herself in awe.

When she then noticed his presence as she turned back around to look at the other side of the room and also every detail she could spot there, Joel could watch how big her eyes had become while taking everything in.

But the moment Ellie’s eyes caught his, that sparkle and interest was instantly gone again. Once again, she fixed her eyes on the floor and he also imagined that she had pulled her shoulders up to her ears once again, almost like he had caught her doing something she wasn’t supposed to.

He didn’t know what to do with that reaction of hers, he didn’t know how he should best react to it, without making it worse. Luckily, Sarah seemed to have the control over the situation, like she usually had, when she played it cool and showed Ellie some of her soccer trophies, Joel knew his daughter was very proud of.

When Sarah then announced to the girl to follow her, Joel stepped quickly out of their way, since he had already figured out by now that Ellie obviously felt not very comfortable around him, especially when he was too close to her for her liking.

When Ellie passed him by, she did so as quickly as possible once again, still avoiding his gaze and she also tried to stay the furthest away from him. Joel’s lips got into a thin line since her behavior caused him to worry.

He had been aware of that taking in an orphan won’t be any easy, but he really didn’t know how he should handle the fact that the girl obviously didn’t like him. Joel didn’t know what had gone wrong to deserve her dislike, since the girl seemed to have already disliked him before they had actually even met.

“This is our guest room, but as long as you will stay with us this will be your room. I hope you will like it.”

Joel knew how much effort Sarah had put into decorating the guest room to make Ellie feel all welcomed and comfortable at their place. But the reaction his daughter had probably expected, was missing out.

Instead of being all thrilled and happy about the pink bedsheets, the dolls and stuffed animals on top of her bed, the big Barbie house in the corner and those many Barbie dolls Joel had bought Sarah when she had been way younger, together with all the other girly toys she had put inside the room for her, Ellie didn’t show any happiness nor interest about it at all.

And even though she didn’t say it out loud, Joel could tell that she didn’t like any of it. Almost like Ellie was even disgusted about it. By now, without actually even knowing anything about the girl at all, Joel already got it that Ellie wasn’t a Barbie type of girl and her favorite color probably also wasn’t pink.

But still, he had to give her credits for her effort, because the girl tried to not show it how less she actually liked the room. She probably didn’t want to come across ungrateful or maybe even rude.

Joel at least hoped so, because his other guess was that Ellie never had such kind of room for herself before and even though she actually didn’t like it, she would still never complain about it as long as she had a bed to sleep inside and a room to call her own.

That thought just made him feel even more sorry for the girl.

But not only Joel, also Sarah sensed that something was wrong, according to Ellie’s missing excitement. His daughter then helpfully suggested to the girl to settle first, maybe also unpack in the meantime if she wanted. She will come back later for playing something together.

“I think Ellie doesn’t like it here.”

Sarah whispered frustrated on their way downstairs.

“Just give her some time, baby. I bet the current situation is pretty much for her at the moment.”

Joel tried to cheer Sarah up with saying so and also with pulling her closer into his side, even though he was almost sure about that a few hours won’t change anything about the fact that Ellie didn’t like her room at all.

But like the patient-not-so-patient girl she was, Sarah let the girl be on her own for about two hours, before she knocked at her door to ask if she was up to play some soccer in their backyard. Ellie obviously refused, since the girls stayed inside, but at least they were hanging out in Ellie’s room together.

In the meantime, Joel called Tommy, since he and also Maria, were curious about the girl’s arrival, of course they were. He also told his brother about his worries, about that it maybe hadn’t been such a great idea, since the girl didn’t seem to like him at all.

Tommy just told him to give her some time, just like Joel had reassured Sarah so a few hours prior. It did also almost sound like the idea of that someone could not like him was too crazy for Tommy to believe. But Joel really wasn’t so sure about that. He feared that this matter won’t change anytime soon, just like Ellie’s dislike towards the girly themed guest room.

Latest during dinner, Joel was totally sure about that Ellie didn’t like him at all because of whatever reason. She still didn’t dare to look up at him, kept constantly the biggest available distance to him and she even fucking flinched when he had reached over to re-fill her glass.

By now, Joel even considered the possibility that he was maybe stinking, sniffing on his shirt when the girls weren’t watching.

After dinner, Joel let them do whatever they wanted, while he was taking care of the dirty dishes and also of the laundry.

He was currently folding his clothes inside his bedroom, when he heard a door getting opened, followed by quick steps on the hallway and then the shocked voice of Ellie telling Sarah all outraged from her place in the threshold to her room

“I can’t lock the bathroom door!”

Joel was not only surprised about hearing the girl’s voice, since she had barely spoken in his presence since she had arrived this early afternoon, but also the shaky, almost scared way her voice did sound.

Ellie was met with silence. Joel could see the way Sarah was probably just blinking up at the girl in front of his inner eyes, the same confused way he was currently looking with being just as surprised about the girl’s sudden outburst and also the way her voice had changed as her.

“Oh, yeah. I’m sorry, I have forgotten to mention that before.”

Sarah apologized, Joel could hear her from where he was still standing inside his bedroom. He had even stopped to fold his clothes in the meantime, holding his breath as he waited for her reply. Joel was also able to hear out the apologizing smile his daughter offered to the girl with saying so.

And even though he also still couldn’t see Ellie, he could still imagine the look in her face right now as well. Probably still the same shocked way as her voice did sound. Also when Sarah quickly added to try to calm down her nerves

“Don’t worry, it’s only the two of us using the bathroom upstairs anyway. Dad always uses the one downstairs.”

Something told Joel that this didn’t reassure the girl the slightest and before things could get even worse for Ellie, he let the piece of cloth he had currently been folding drop unbothered on top of his bed to quickly hurry out onto the corridor to assure the girl

“It’s okay. I will fix the lock tomorrow.”

Ellie gasped when she heard his voice, since she hadn’t been aware of his presence nor that he had been listening. Once again, she was looking up at him with those big eyes of hers and only in that moment Joel realized that Ellie didn’t only dislike him.

No, even worse. She was fucking scared of him.

That was fear glistening in her innocent eyes, as she took a few steps backwards, hugged herself tightly in self-protection, her head hung low like she was ducking and eyes being focused on her socked feet.

Joel was looking at her, hating himself for spooking her like that and before he could come up with saying something to make her feel less tensed and more comfortable, Ellie turned around and hurried inside the safety of the guest room without taking a shower, like she had probably intended to do.

The girl didn’t leave her room again until the next morning.

Chapter Text

Joel fixed the lock on the bathroom door first thing the next morning.

And even though he could tell Ellie was relieved about it and that she was finally able to properly use the bathroom now, it still didn’t change much about the fact that she was constantly antsy and uneasy around him.

Joel could have lived with her not liking him, with her maybe even hating him because of whatever reason, but he really couldn’t live with the little girl was being terrified of him.

Maybe even scared of him hurting her. Just the thought alone already made him feel sick. Joel didn’t even want to imagine what had happened to that little girl for her to assume the worst from him. Maybe it was just the fact that he was a man, that this alone already caused her to feel this way, which in return caused Joel to feel even sicker. 

But the worst of all was that he didn’t know how to change it, how to find a solution for this big problem. Because how should he take care of Ellie when she didn’t seem to trust him at all?

To call it by the name didn’t seem the right move to do to him at the moment, since they only knew each other not even 24 hours yet and he didn’t want to intimidate her even more than he already did anyway with just being around her, with living together under the same roof. 

Ellie probably wouldn’t believe him anyway, if he would promise her that he won’t ever hurt her. Maybe the girl would only get even more scared with her being aware of him knowing about her fear.

No, that wasn’t an opinion. At least not now. Joel had to find another way to show her that he won’t ever hurt her and that she could actually trust him to take proper care of her.

First, Joel needed to somehow win her trust, to convince her that he won’t ever cause her any harm, that she didn’t have to fear anything from him. He just needed to take that fear away from her and show her that there was no reason she shouldn’t rely on him.

And even though he wanted Ellie to feel safe and comfortable already now, Joel knew at the same time that it was the best when he let the girl settle first. For her to get used to the new situation and maybe even get out of her snail house during the process.

He wanted to keep himself in the background for now, to let Sarah take the lead in this, like his girl was actually already leading his life since the day she had been born. 

Besides, even though Ellie was also still shy and reserved around Sarah as well, she at least seemed to trust her and to not be afraid of her. That was already a beginning, something they could work with.

Which didn’t mean that both of them weren’t trying to make Ellie feel comfortable in their home. They really tried everything, but sadly nothing seemed to work. Nothing seemed to get the little girl more relaxed and to let her guard down.

It didn’t matter how often Sarah asked Ellie if they wanted to do something together, no matter if it was going outside or to play inside the house, the girl just always refused. She preferred to stay in her room, to be all by herself and locked away. Ellie did spend most of the day behind the closed door of the guestroom.

Already on their first evening together, Joel had noticed that Ellie was a pretty picky eater. She didn’t seem to have much appetite, or maybe she was just disliking his meals, just like she was still disliking him. Maybe the girl also didn’t trust his meals, with not trusting him in general.

When Joel had asked her about her favorite food, Ellie had only shrugged her shoulders, telling him so that she didn’t have any or maybe that she wasn’t willing to share them with him or maybe also that she didn’t care, since she did never eat much anyway.

On Monday morning, when Joel handled Ellie her lunch box for her first day of school, she had first looked at it with bewildered eyes and then up at him, almost like she was thinking he had become crazy. Or maybe because she didn’t know why he was offering her the little box.

“It’s your lunch box for today. Since I don’t know what you prefer, I have put a few different snacks in it for you to choose.”

Joel had explained to her all softly with a hopeful smile on his lips.

Ellie looked at him and then at the box still in his hands for some longer, probably considering if she could trust his words and really take it, almost like she was afraid about this being some kind of time bomb. Finally, the girl took it and stuffed it into her old bag without a word.

Joel was only as long relieved about that Ellie had taken the lunch box with her, until he asked her about it later that afternoon after school and the girl handled it back to him untouched. Everything was still inside, just like he had put her lunch into the box this morning.

“You didn’t like it?” Even though Joel had tried, he still couldn’t hide the disappointment in his voice. When Ellie didn’t answer his question, he tried it with another in the hope to get her talking to him. “Why don’t you just tell me what you prefer for lunch, so I can get it for you?”

The girl only once again shrugged her shoulders, just like she had done when he had asked her about her favorite meal the other day. But instead of telling him her favorite snack, Ellie only replied before she already left for her room again

“I actually never eat lunch.”

Once again, she did leave him behind speechless. Joel couldn’t believe that the girl never ate any lunch, especially since she did barely eat any breakfast nor much dinner as well. No wonder she was that thin.

Joel tried to cook every kind of meal he could think of in the next time, always hoping to finally find something Ellie will like. He also tried takeaways and he also still handled her some lunch box with all different kind of snacks every morning only to open and still find it untouched after school again.

Ellie did also still barely talk to them, or more precise to him. Only when it was really necessary. Joel knew Sarah and she were talking, not that much yet as well, but at least the girl was talking to her.

The only thing Joel noticed was that Ellie was apologizing a lot, almost every second word out of her mouth was sorry. She also even apologized for things that weren’t even her fault, like she was expecting him to blame her for just everything, for only existing, even though he told her every time that it was alright, that she didn’t have to apologize or feel bad about something that wasn’t even her fault.

But even though she did barely talk to him, Joel did still ask her about how school had been every day, even though he never got an answer from her. Ellie just eyed him shyly through her lashes, before she rushed upstairs into her room once again.

Of course, she had also refused his offer to help her with her homework. Slowly but sure, Joel was running out of things to talk about during dinner, to fill the awkward silence between them by the table.

The last thing he wanted was to make their situation even worse for Ellie or at least even more uncomfortable than it already was anyway, but Joel was also getting desperate.

Tommy wasn’t much of a help either, when he had told his brother once again about their situation and his worries about that Ellie was seriously scared of him. His brother had only laughed it off, like the possibility that someone could be scared of his older brother was even funnier to him than the fact that someone couldn’t like him.

But Joel was actually sure about it, because he could constantly feel Ellie’s eyes resting on him whenever the girl thought he didn’t notice. Almost like she was assessing him, trying to find out if he was only playing nice and will still hurt her anyway the moment she will stop to be careful around him. Not even mention her still considering if she could trust him.

Because sometimes Joel got the feeling that just his presence alone, just him being in the same room as her was already intimidating her. Even though Joel was actually sure about him never giving her a reason to feel that way.

The other day, the girls had been sitting by the dining table, doing their homework, when Joel had reached for a glass in the cupboard next to Ellie, when she instantly flinched by his for her unexpected movement, almost like she did assume that he was going to hit her.

Ellie did actually flinch whenever he made a too quick movement, which Joel tried to avoid and he also tried to pay more attention to those things that could frighten or spook her. He really needed her to trust him, if they ever wanted to make some process, which still seemed to be impossible at the moment.

Because Joel got the feeling that he was just always doing something wrong when it came to Ellie even without his intention. No matter what he did, no matter how hard he did try.

But it seemed like he really needed to give even more attention to those things he did, those little things he would have never questioned before. Even though it were things of his everyday life, things he would have never thought could turn into a problem one day.

Like when he was cooking dinner shirtless one hot summer evening. The moment Ellie had entered the kitchen together with Sarah and had seen him not wearing a shirt, she stammered something about not being hungry and instantly escaped to her room.

Joel had already got it that Ellie valued her privacy and he also didn’t want to step over a line and get into her personal space, why he had only knocked at her door later that evening to tell her that he will leave a tablet with some dinner and something to drink right on front of her door, if she should change her mind and still become hungry.

The next morning, he actually wasn’t even any surprised about finding the tablet with the dinner still untouched in front of Ellie’s closed door.

Joel finally cleaned it away and made sure from that day on to always wear a shirt around Ellie, since it had obviously made her uneasy and had been the reason she hadn’t been able to stomach anything and to once again hide inside her snail house.

Another no go for her was obviously alcohol, because when Ellie had seen him drinking some beer in front of the TV the other day, she did instantly run away from him once again. She even rammed the door frame on her way out, hitting and probably hurting her shoulder, which had only caused her to run even faster.

Even before Joel had even heard the door to her room getting shut, he had already stood up to pour the last rest of the beer bottle into the sink and to also hide the bottles from his fridge, so Ellie won’t see them anymore or him just holding one.

By now, the girl was already living with them for one entire week and they still hadn’t made any process at all. If only they had made some steps backwards.

Also Sarah still hadn’t figured out how to get to Ellie, which worried Joel even more, because he knew his daughter was actually a very likeable girl, easy to have fun with and she usually never had problems to befriend.

Which once again only confirmed Joel how serious their situation was and that he urgently needed to change it, or he will have to call Marlene and tell her that it was probably better for Ellie to get placed somewhere else. Somewhere she will feel more comfortable and especially where she won’t feel constantly anxious and uneasy.

Joel had also noticed that Ellie was always wearing the same clothes. The same old jeans, the same worn-out Converse, the same dirty shirt and the same long-arm shirt underneath, even though it was actually way too hot for that during the summer months.

The girl had also never given him any of her clothes to wash them and also when Joel had told her to just put them in front of her door so he could pick them up and take care of her laundry, Ellie still refused to let him wash them.

It didn’t surprise him at all, that she didn’t want to wear any of those clothes Sarah had offered to her. They just weren’t her style, way too girly and in way too bright colors, why Joel told the girls that they will go shopping the next morning.

After the weekly grocery shopping was done, where Ellie hadn’t picked anything to Joel’s disappointment, even though he had told her that she could get whatever she liked, they went over to the mall to get some new clothes for Ellie.

Joel had leaded the girls into the store with the pretext that Sarah needed some new shoes and since they were already here anyway, he suggested that Ellie could choose some new shoes and clothes as well.

“But.. I can’t afford them.”

The girl replied with a small voice and her gaze once again dropped to the ground, this time because she was ashamed and Joel could have punched himself for not being clearer and bringing her into this uncomfortable situation.

“No, no. You don’t worry about that. I just need you to choose them, the rest let be my problem.”

When Ellie still didn’t make any attempts to start looking for new clothes, almost like she was considering inside her head what Joel did mean with that and which intentions he could have with buying her new clothes, Sarah finally took Ellie’s hand to drag her right into the girl’s section.

Joel went after them but kept some distance to give Ellie space, like he actually tried to give her all the time. And even though Sarah tried her best to help the girl and only show her clothes that were less girly than hers and also had darker colors, Joel could still tell that Ellie didn’t like them at all.

That she didn’t like the prints on the shirts, that the jeans were too tight and figure-hugging for her liking. When Sarah then also showed her some summer dress, the girl almost flinched the same way as whenever Joel made a too quick movement and did spook her with it.

It almost seemed like those clothes were some kind of torture for Ellie. But before this could get out of hand, Joel waved Sarah over to him, pretending like he had found something he wanted to show her.

“I don’t know, dad. She doesn’t seem to like any of those clothes. What are we doing?”

If Joel was serious, he was clueless as well, but when he looked over Sarah’s shoulder and saw how Ellie was slowly making her way over into the boy’s section, he told his daughter to just give the girl some time and the chance to choose some clothes by herself.

Joel and Sarah pretend to be busy with getting him some new shirts for him, while Ellie walked around the boy’s section, kept standing still in front of some clothes for a while, looking at it and feeling the material, but she never dared to pick anything.

Obviously, Sarah couldn’t watch Ellie and her misery for any longer, as she finally went over to where she was standing and already looking at some certain hoodie for the last five minutes.

“Do you like this one?”

“Huh? No. I actually.. No.”

Ellie stammered and actually already wanted to head on, as Sarah reached out for her hand and prevented her so from walking away.

“I like the print. Which kind of dinosaur is that again?”

Not only because of Sarah still holding her hand, but also her question seemed to keep the girl in place because of whatever reason.

“The Allosaurus.”

“Oh yeah, exactly. Isn’t that one of your favorites?”

“Yeah.”

Dinosaurs. Ellie liked dinosaurs, especially Allosaurus. Whatever dinosaur that was, but Joel made a mental note of it anyway.

“Why don’t you take it then, since you like it that much?”

Ellie didn’t even need to say it out loud for Joel to understand why she had hesitated to take it, had even refused to take it, even though she clearly liked the hoodie. The price tag had probably prevented her from doing so.

Luckily, his daughter was smart, Sarah knew what was going on as well, why she just took the hoodie without giving Ellie just the slightest chance to prevent her from doing so, before she took the girl by the hand once again and leaded her to some long-sleeved shirts, since she had also figured out by now that Ellie preferred to wear those.

“Oh, look! This one has the sun system printed on it. That’s so cool.”

Sarah gushed, since she knew what she was doing here. Of course, she knew. Had Joel already mentioned that his daughter was a damn genius?

So Ellie had not only a fondness for dinosaurs, but also for space. With that new knowledge, Joel then headed into the home textiles section to get the girl some new bedsheets as well. Maybe with dinosaurs prints on it or some planets. Or maybe dinosaurs in space.

When he got back to the girls, Sarah’s arms were loaded with new clothes of any kind for Ellie, while the little girl once again didn’t dare to look up at him, she was even half hiding behind Sarah.

God, Ellie looked so guilty, almost like she expected him to yell at her the next moment for choosing so many clothes, being afraid that she had taken advance of his nice offer. Fearing that he had actually only talked about one new shirt and maybe some cheap jeans but not an entire new wardrobe.

But the girl still didn’t seem to understand that this was exactly what Joel had actually intended. To get Ellie a whole new wardrobe with everything she needed and many clothes to change. Maybe more than she ever had in her life so far, even though that thought let Joel feel sorry for her once again.

About ten years ago, he would have swallowed thickly by the sight of all those chosen clothes and also by the bill later at the checkout, but Joel could easily afford it nowadays with having a good, stable income.

He didn’t bother about it at all, as long as it will help Ellie to settle and feel more comfortable. He was doing it with pleasure, since it did seriously hurt him to see her suffering like that.

But even though all three of them were finally carrying two big shopping bags each with brand-new clothes for Ellie, the girl didn’t look any happy about it at all.

Maybe only even more guilty than before, maybe also ashamed and something else Joel couldn’t name just yet. Hopefully her way of feeling will change soon and Ellie will be able to enjoy her new clothes.

When Sarah saw some of her school friends in the mall, Joel and Ellie stayed behind while she jogged over to talk to them. He was seriously surprised, when not even shocked to hear Ellie’s words being directed at him probably for the first time since the girl was living with them

“Why did you buy me all that stuff?”

Ellie was once again assessing his actions and also kind of judging him with her look since it still didn’t want to get insider her head that he was doing this out of the kindness of his heart and not with any ulterior motives, like her owning him something now.

“Because I want you to feel comfortable with us and besides, I did it with pleasure. You deserve it.”

Ellie just kept on side eying him, since she still didn’t believe him that these were his true and only intentions and that he didn’t expect anything from her in return.

When they finally arrived back home, Joel instantly began to wash Ellie’s new clothes. In the evening, everything was washed and had also already dried. All three of them could finally fill the wardrobe in Ellie’s room with her brand-new clothes and following Joel also changed the bedsheets with the ones he had got for her in the mall.

It sadly didn’t have any prints of dinosaurs being in space, but according to the way Ellie’s eyes had lighted up with seeing the superhero print on her new bed covers, Joel assumed that he had maybe finally done something right and his choice hadn’t been that bad.

The girl’s eyes also still looked at all those clothes inside her wardrobe with disbelieving eyes, not getting it that all those did belong to her and only to her now. That she didn’t have to share them, that they didn’t have any holes in them, that they didn’t look all washed out and especially that no one had worn them before her.

Joel took it as a win, when Ellie came downstairs in her new pajamas for dinner and the next morning dressed from head to toe with new clothes as well.

And overall, he could also tell that Ellie had finally found her peace with it. Maybe she had finally believed him that he had bought her all those things because he wanted her to be happy. Ellie was finally even able to enjoy her new clothes and she also visibly seemed to feel better in her new favorite Allosaurus hoodie.

Yeah, Joel definitely took that as a win and also as the process into the right direction. It were baby steps, but still process after all.

Chapter Text

The process did only last for 24 hours, until Joel woke up to Ellie’s screams in the middle of the night. Before he knew what he was doing, he already pushed the covers away to get out of bed and hurry out onto the corridor to get to her room, right where her screams were coming from.

Joel damned himself for not keeping a pistol in his bedroom anymore, like he had always done back in Texas. But when they had moved to Wyoming, here into this little town called Jackson, where everyone assured him that a weapon wasn’t necessary, Joel had finally got rid of it, since he had always hated to have the pistol close to Sarah anyway, even though it had only been for her safety and protection. But now he wished that weapon back.

Of course, Sarah had also woken up to Ellie’s shrill screams cutting through the silent night. His daughter was meeting him in the corridor with widened eyes and a pale face.

“Dad?”

“Stay inside your room Sarah.”

Joel ordered, since he himself didn’t know what was going on. Maybe someone had broken into the house, had maybe even climbed through the window of the guest room right where Ellie was sleeping.

Joel wasn’t aimed at all, but he was ready to take on everyone with his bare hands. But he was being prevented from bursting through the door and attack whoever dared to harm the little girl, when he couldn’t open the door to the guest room.

It was locked. Fuck.

“Ellie!” Joel wildly knocked against the wood of the door, feeling the fear rise inside his chest with not being able to get to her. “What’s going on inside there?”

But the girl just continued screaming.

“Ellie! Open the door! Ellie!”

Joel even imagined that her screams only got even worse with repeating her name over and over again and hammering against the door in his desperation.

He didn’t know why her door was even locked. Had Ellie locked it herself and was now trapped inside there with someone or had the one, who had broken into their house, locked the door so she couldn’t escape?

Either scenario gave him chills, knowing that the little girl was locked inside the room with a stranger without any way out. That Ellie was in someone’s power, in someone’s control, to be locked inside there with someone that wanted to harm her.

Just the possibility alone made Joel already even sicker and more desperate, but at the same time also furious. It only spurred him on to hammer even harder against her door and to yell even louder, not bothering about that their neighbors could possibly hear them.

“ELLIE! Kiddo, try to open the door for me!”

Next to the girl’s heart-breaking and terrified screams for help, Joel actually couldn’t make out any other noises inside the room. Almost like there was no one else inside there, just her.

“NO! NO! GET OFF ME! GET OFF!”

That was enough for Joel.

“HOLD ON ELLIE!”

He was going through that door right now, since Ellie obviously wasn’t able to do open it for him and someone clearly had to be with her, according to her words.

Someone even dared to hold her down and just that image alone inside his head was finally enough for Joel to get into full protection mode.

“I WILL COME IN NOW! GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR!”

Joel yelled in warning and just when he had wanted to slam his shoulder against the door to crack it open, Ellie’s screams suddenly stopped.

“Ellie?”

It was quite inside the room now, too quiet from one second to the other. Joel tried to hold his breath and turn out his heart hammering against his ribcage to make out if there were any noises coming from inside her room.

After a few moments, that actually felt like a half eternity to him, Joel could finally hear quiet sobs coming from inside.

“What happened, kiddo?”

In response, he could only make out more hiccupped sobs, otherwise the room was silent once again.

“It’s okay, kiddo. Can you.. Can you open the door for me?”

The only answer he got were the girl’s quiet cries.

“Ellie? I need you to answer me, kiddo.”

It once again felt like an endless eternity, even though it were probably just some seconds, until Joel could finally make out the girl’s small, waving voice coming from inside the room.

“I.. I’m alright. You can go away. Please.”

With hearing her voice, also Sarah slowly came closer to where Joel was still standing in front of the locked door and where he once again played with the thought to just crack it open with his body weight. But the last thing he wanted was to terrify her even more.

“Okay, but can you still open the door for me, kiddo? I just want to make sure you are alright inside there.” They were only met with silence. “Ellie?”

Joel could hear the girl’s muffled cries through the still goddamn locked door.

“Please, open the door, kiddo. Ellie!”

In his desperation, since Joel had never been any good with dealing with such kind of situation, he continued to knock against the door to get her to finally open it and to make sure with his own eyes that the girl was really alright and alone. And to also find out what had terrified her like that.

Joel was actually aware of that he was always overreacting in such situations, but he just couldn’t help himself right now. He just always became this version of himself whenever someone he cared for clearly needed his help.

“Dad, stop.”

He could suddenly hear Sarah from behind him, he could also feel her small hand on his upper arm, trying to pull him away from the door. Only then Joel noticed that both of his hands were still formed into tight fists, still ready to fight and protect.

“You scare her. Let me do the talking.”

Even though every instinct in his body screamed at him to keep the upper hand over the situation, Joel still let Sarah take the lead, since she was probably right. Just like always. He wasn’t in the condition, in the right state of mind with not thinking clear to handle this situation properly. And what Ellie really needed right now where soft, calm words and not him yelling at her.

“Ellie? It’s me, Sarah. Can you open the door for us, please? We just want to check on you and make sure you are okay. We are worried about you.”

Sarah’s words seemed to do the trick, because just moments later they could hear some light footsteps inside the room, followed by the unmistaken sound of the door finally getting unlocked and opened, even just a split, just so that they could see Ellie’s red rimmed eyes and puffy nose.

It took everything in Joel to not instantly storm into her room and find out what had scared her so much. Thankfully, Sarah was still standing in front of him and preventing him from doing so.

“Can we come inside?”

His daughter asked all softly for the girl’s permission first, even though Joel could tell that she was worried about her little friend as well.

When Ellie finally nodded slightly her head in confirmation and stepped aside, Joel couldn’t hold himself back anymore and finally stormed inside the room, just to find it empty. Not even her window was opened, like he had expected it to be.

Concerned, he was still looking frantically around her room to find the source of her heart-breaking screams, but there was nothing. When his eyes finally landed on the still to her bones terrified little girl hugging herself in the corner of the room, Joel just couldn’t resist anymore.

He knew it had been wrong the moment he had rushed over to where she was standing, getting down on one of his knees to be on eye level with her and reaching out to frame her face to be able to look at her all closely and check her for any injuries.

Ellie just shrieked and gasped, once again scared about his sudden movement, and this time she didn’t only flinch but also even made two steps backwards, until her back hit the wardrobe, stopping her from getting even more distance between them, when he had tried to reach out to touch her.

Fuck.

It really hadn’t been his intention to scare her even more, but his fatherly instincts had taken the upper hand over him with seeing her all anxious and terrified like that. But still he hated himself for making Ellie feel even worse with his actual well-meant try to comfort her.

Instead of trying to give her any physical comfort, Joel tried to talk to her in that soft, calm voice just like Sarah had used before, when he asked

“What happened to you, sweetheart?”

Joel could make out a moment of surprise, a little sparkle in her eyes when he had called her sweetheart for the first time, but just one second later the girl was already looking that guilty way alternately between at him and Sarah with those big, sorry eyes of hers.

“I just had a nightmare. I’m sorry.”

The girl only hugged herself even tighter then, almost like just the thought alone about the horror she had lived through in her dreams was enough for her to get all angsty once again. Maybe also because she feared to be in trouble because she had woken them up and had caused such a scene.

When Joel then could also spot new tears building up in her already broken eyes, it once again took everything in him to not get over to her and gather her in his arms, like he would actually like to do right now.

“You don’t have to apologize, darling. It’s okay.”

He noticed Ellie taking a deep breath through and also her shoulders slowly dropping, probably in relief. Even though she still looked very affected from her intense night terror.

But Joel once again didn’t know what he was thinking, when he suddenly slightly raised his voice at her, when he remembered about how worried he had been about her.

“But you just can’t lock your door. I need to be able to get to you, Ellie. Always. Just in case you need help.”

The girl once again startled and her shoulders shut up to her ears again. And the fact that Joel had got back onto his feet had probably only worsen her way of feeling, with him intimidating her with his size.

“Dad.”

Sarah warned him, even though she knew he wasn’t mad at Ellie and that he didn’t mean any harm. But Ellie didn’t know that, she didn’t know him and how he was feeling at the moment, like Sarah did know her dad and his way of being.

His daughter also tried to make him realize what he was doing to Ellie with her reproachful voice, even though she knew he was only worried about the girl. But Sarah needed him to realize that he was only making everything worse with his concern and with once again overreacting like he always did in such situations.

“I’m sorry.” Joel moved his hand over his stressed face when he realized that he had spooked the little girl just once again, even without his intention. “Kiddo, can you keep your door unlocked the next time? Please? You can close your door, but please don’t lock it. I promise I won’t ever come inside without asking you for permission first. But, I don’t ever want to wake up to your screams again and to not be able to check on you.”

To his surprise, Ellie did node her head in confirmation, even quicker than he had expected her to do. Actually, he hadn’t even expected her to agree to it at all. Maybe Ellie had pity on him, maybe because she could tell that he was really concerned about her well-being.

Relieved about it, Joel took a deep breath through, he also tried to calm down his nerves with doing so, before he checked on Ellie from the distance once again.

“You sure you are okay, kiddo?”

Still a little hesitantly, the girl finally nodded her head, even though Joel could clearly tell that she wasn’t alright at all. He then remembered about her screams and what she had cried out in her dreams.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He wasn’t surprised when Ellie shook her head. If Joel was serious, he was actually shit with words, but for her, he would have tried with clearly being able to tell how much the experienced did affect her.

He could only hope that whatever she had been through in her dreams had really only been in her dreams and had never happened to her in real life. Just the thought about it got him sick all over.

“Okay. It’s still in the middle of the night. Try to catch some more hours of sleep.” Ellie only nodded her head in understanding, but she didn’t dare to move at all, she did just stare at him in return. “Do you.. want me to tug you in?”

Joel offered, since that had always helped whenever Sarah had woken up from a night terror, since putting Ellie into his bed wasn’t an option. Even though he would have let her, if it had helped her to feel better. But Joel knew better, he knew that his closeness did freak her out and the last thing he wanted right now was to worsen her way of feeling.

But it seemed like already just the thought alone of him touching her and the fact that he had really dared to take a step closer to her again, even though Joel actually knew he should better keep his distance to her, already freaked Ellie out again and also even a little whimper had escaped her still trembling lips.

“Okay, then we will let you in peace now. Just holler if you should need anything, sweetheart.”

With those words, Joel and Sarah finally left Ellie alone, but not without him looking back over his shoulder at her for once more, seeing the frightened little girl still standing there in the corner and hugging herself.

With an aching heart by that sad sight, he finally closed the door behind himself, even though he would have preferred for it to stay ajar, but at least he couldn’t hear Ellie locking it behind his back anymore.

Joel had never checked it, but he trusted the girl to not lock her door anymore, especially during the nights.

“You know, my brother Tommy, his wife Maria and their baby boy Mateo will come over this afternoon.”

Joel wasn’t really thinking about it when he let Ellie know so later the next day.

He could tell that the nightmare did still affect her and after the rough night they had, he didn’t want her to feel even more uncomfortable and angsty or for her to maybe even freak out because of a male stranger being close to her later that day without any forewarning from his side.

The upsetting look that Ellie gave him in response had actually already alarmed him enough, but it only got worse when the girl did finally response with a small voice

“Don’t worry, I get it. You want me to stay inside my room and don’t make any noises as long as they will be over.”

Huh?

“What? No, of course not. I mean, no, that's not what I have been trying to say with that. I actually want you to meet them, to get to know our family.”

Ellie didn’t dare to say it out loud, but Joel could read the question in her eyes anyway. Why? Why do you want me to meet them?

He didn’t answer her unspoken question, instead he gave Ellie the answer to another question he could read in her innocent eyes as well

“I just wanted you to know so before they will come over and maybe surprise you with their presence. But you don’t have to worry, darling. They are very kind. I’m sure you will like them, just like they will find you endearing.”

Ellie’s face was unreadable to him, even though he imagined her eyes had lighted slightly up once again by the pet name.

And even though the girl wasn’t hiding inside her room when Tommy, Maria and Mateo finally came over later in the afternoon, she still stayed in the background, did barely look up nor talk, only when a question was directed at her, she answered them with using as less words as possible.

She also refused to hold baby Mateo, when they had asked her, almost like she was afraid of doing something wrong, even more than usual when it came to the baby. But at least Ellie ate some home-made chocolate cake Maria had taken along.

Joel also noticed Ellie smiling more often that afternoon, even laughing, especially when Tommy had challenged Sarah and her in soccer. To hear Ellie’s giggles was like music to his ears, he hadn’t seen her all happy and unbothered like that until now. Just like the kid should actually be.

It had been a good afternoon for all of them, especially for Ellie after the terrors of last night. Why Joel was as a little surprised when Sarah sneaked into his bedroom later that evening to crawl inside his bed, something she didn’t do that often any more nowadays. Only when she had something on her mind.

“Why does it seem like Ellie doesn’t trust you, dad?”

Of course, his daughter had also noticed so by now, with her being such a smart girl. But it didn’t only seem so, Joel was actually sure about that Ellie didn’t trust him at all, because of whatever reason.

“If I would only know so, baby girl.” Joel sighed long, while he pulled her closer into his side and kissed the top of her head. “Maybe Ellie just doesn’t like men in general.”

“But she doesn’t freak out when uncle Tommy is around her.”

Sarah countered to his admittedly poor explanation. And Joel had to admit that she was right again, of course she was.

Also he had noticed so this afternoon that Ellie didn’t seem to have a problem with Tommy being nearby. He had even been allowed to touch her briefly during their little soccer match without her freaking out about it like she usually did when he was just coming too close to her.

By now, even his brother just had to admit that Ellie was obviously scared of him, since he had been able to watch it so first hand today. The girl was so different around Tommy than she was around Joel.

He wasn’t hurt about it, he was honestly curious about what the difference was between his brother and him and why Ellie did feel comfortable around Tommy after just one hour and why she was still terrified of him after almost two weeks of living together and not treating her much different compared to his brother.

Except for one little, but obviously important detail.

“Well, I guess because Ellie feels different around Tommy compared to when I’m around her. They were rough during the soccer game, sure, even though he would never hurt her. Just like he would never hurt you, but he also didn’t try to attack her with hugs or any touches that could make her feel uncomfortable, like I tried to do last night with comforting her.”

Sarah only nodded her head in response. She didn’t need to say it out loud, but Joel knew that she was aware of that he was right about this.

“I still don’t get it, though.”

His daughter sighed with a pout on her lips, probably because she felt sorry for her old men, but also for Ellie for feeling this way, even though the girl actually didn’t have to.

“I fear that Ellie is used to people being rough to her. It’s her normal, her standard in life so far. She is just not used to the way I treat her, that’s all. Ellie needs time to adjust and realize that she should have always been treated that way. Time it’s what we need to give her, baby. And now stop worrying about it, it will gonna be just fine.”

At least Joel hoped so.

The days just kept passing by without any changes in Ellie’s behavior, but also not with any more incidents like her having such a horrible nightmare again, which Joel took as a win.

One afternoon, he was surprised when both girls joined him in the living room while he was reading the newspaper, like the old man he was and about which Sarah was constantly teasing him about.

Of course, Ellie kept the furthest distance possible to him, but at least she hadn’t headed off into her room as soon as she had spotted him being in the same room as her.

Sarah was painting her toenails and following also her finger nails, while Ellie was watching her with curiosity since she was admiring her, but refused when Sarah asked her if she wanted her to paint her nails as well when she was done with hers. 

Behind the newspaper, Joel had to smile to himself, because of course Ellie refused it, since she didn’t like such girly stuff. Instead, the girl was trying to brush through her still slightly wet hair from the shower she had taken before they had come downstairs.

Ellie always put her hair into a messy ponytail the second it had dried, only during the nights she put her hair down, a habit Joel had already noticed by now.

“Why don’t you let me brush your hair and braid it as soon as the nail polisher has dried?”

Sarah offered, to which Ellie did instantly agree to, being obviously glad about that someone was doing the job for her.

“But, do you know who can actually braid hair the best?” Clueless, Ellie was shrugging her shoulders and shaking her head, looking expectant up at Sarah to finally tell her who the best in it was. “My dad.”

Not only Ellie’s eyebrows shut up to her hairline with hearing so, also Joel’s own did, when he lowered the newspaper to look over the edge at the two of them.

Ellie eyed him in disbelieve, unsure about if Sarah had only messed with her or if she was really telling her the truth, since she couldn’t wrap her mind around that Joel could seriously braid hair.

But yeah, he actually really could so. He would even dare to say that he was pretty decent in it, after all the practice he had over the years.

It was just a while ago that he had done so for the last time. Probably about two years ago, before Maria had come up with the idea for Sarah to get dreadlocks and fix so their everyday problem to take care of her coiled hair. It had been a real relief, for both of them.

It was actually sweet from Sarah to try to involve him, also because he was aware of what she was trying to do here, but Ellie obviously still wasn’t ready for that kind or just any kind of closeness between the two of them right now with her looking at him that shy, unsure and also hesitant way.

Just like she didn’t want to hurt his feelings with refusing the offer, but at the same time, just the thought alone of him being close to her like that and even touch her seemed to freak her out. To give her a way out, Joel finally meant

“You know, I’m actually a little out of practice, kiddo. Why don’t you let Sarah take care of your hair this time and I will try my best next time?”

Ellie returned a small thankful smile at him for the olive branch, just the slightest bit, but it was enough for Joel. It was the first smile he had got from her. And for Ellie to just consider it to let him come closer to her was already more than just enough for him.

Chapter Text

The next afternoon, Sarah had finally convinced Ellie or had maybe even talked her into playing Barbie together in their backyard. Or maybe the girl had only agreed to it, so his daughter will finally stop to ask and annoy her about it. But Joel knew Sarah only meant it well, she honestly wanted to spend some time with Ellie together and get to know her better.

They had found a shadowed place right underneath the kitchen window outside. Joel could hear them playing together through the opened window, while he was sitting by some blueprints for their next project.

It was really cute to hear them play together, even though he could tell that Ellie first had some difficulties and trouble to let go of her inhibitions to openly play in front of Sarah, almost like she had never played with Barbie dolls in her life before or had played with someone together.

It had probably taken her some effort and overcoming, but she finally matched Sarah and the voice she used while playing with the dolls. He could also tell that Ellie was finally getting into her role and getting more and more comfortable and relaxed with it with every minute passing by. He even dared to say that Ellie had fun and also enjoyed it.

Joel was smiling to himself, when they obviously just changed their dolls clothes and Sarah explained to Ellie that those she had chosen were actually meant for Ken, which she was just trying to dress her Barbie into.

He could literally picture Sarah’s confused expression, but also Ellie’s probably embarrassed one, since she wanted to dress her Barbie just the way she was dressing herself. Boyish, oversized, casual, not figure-hugging at all.

Joel held his breath then, not knowing how Ellie will react to Sarah telling her this, since he didn’t want the little girl to feel uncomfortable, maybe even ashamed about being the way she was, feeling differently compared to other girls her age, but luckily he had got blessed with the smartest girl out there being his daughter.

Because of course Sarah had got it what was going on and since she also wanted Ellie to feel understood and also accepted just the way she was, she quickly added that it was okay and she could dress her Barbie however she wanted.

He couldn’t only hear Ellie taking a relieved sigh through the opened window, but also Joel himself took one with hearing so. The two girls finally went on with playing and after a while, they even got with their dolls on a little trip with the Barbie car, which Joel had got for Sarah right after they had moved to Jackson.

But he could tell that the mood changed once again, when Sarah brought Ken into their game. Ellie had gone all quiet since then, only barely interacted anymore.

They were playing for some more, even though he could only hear his daughter doing so, while Ellie was barely talking anymore. She was not interacting with Ken at all, even though Sarah tried to involve her and her Barbie to not make her feel excluded or anything like that.

After Sarah’s Barbie and Ken had kissed by the unmistakable kissing sounds his daughter had made, there was a long stretch of silence that caused Joel to hold his breath once again, literally feeling the tension hanging in the air.

He would have expected Ellie to tell Sarah that this was gross, that she didn’t want to play anymore or to just throw her doll away and stomp up to her room, but not only to his surprise but obviously also to Sarah’s, the girl finally asked her with a small, shy voice

“Has.. has your Barbie already got her period?”

There were a few beats of silence, since Sarah was probably just as taken aback by her unexpected question as Joel was.

“Uhm.. Yeah, I guess. I mean Barbie is an adult, so yeah.”

It was silent once again and Joel could picture Ellie in front of his inner eyes how she nodded understanding her head but still bit her bottom lip at the same time, since he could tell that there was more behind Ellie’s question. That there was something else she wanted to ask, but she didn’t find the right words to do so.

“So, when..” Joel had to be all quiet to make out Ellie’s small, insecure voice, when she then finally dared to ask Sarah. “..when someone does an adult thing to her, she can get pregnant. Right?”

A cold shiver instantly ran down the length of Joel’s back and his eyes widened with realizing what Ellie was so carefully trying to ask here. He knew that Sarah was probably just as shocked and perplexed about her question as he was, according to her silence, since Sarah barely was that way with usually always finding the right words to say in any situation, why the little girl finally continued with

“Or is it true that only people being in love with each other can have babies?”

Joel was still frozen in his seat, just like Sarah was probably just blinking in confusion over at Ellie with her in embarrassment reddened cheeks that only reddened in an even darker shape the longer the silence did last.

Joel was sure about that he would have never found the right words, but thank God his daughter had so much from her mother and so less from him and also with her being way smarter than him, when she finally answered the little girl to calm down her tensed nerves

“Ellie, Barbie won’t get pregnant if she doesn’t want to. Don’t worry about that, okay?”

Even from where he was sitting, he could hear the little girl take a deep breath through.

“Okay.”

But she didn’t sound any convinced or relieved about it at all. Even without seeing her, Joel could still tell that Ellie didn’t believe Sarah’s words nor her try to comfort her.

And suddenly, everything made fucking sense.

Ellie’s fear towards him, which had seemed to be unreasoned until now. Her behavior whenever he was close. Her need to lock doors and protect her privacy, her nightmare, the scream in her dream to get off her.

The anger was instantly building up inside Joel the moment he realized what was going on. He formed his hands into tight fists until he even broke the pen in his hand without him noticing so first.

Joel also couldn’t really make out the voices of the girls anymore when they finally continued to play for some more, since his thoughts were racing, his heart was hammering against his rib cage and the blood was pulsing inside his ear.

Only when he heard the bathroom door upstairs getting shut, followed by the noise of the running water in the shower and Sarah suddenly appearing in the threshold of the kitchen with the Barbie dolls still in her hands, Joel came back from spiralling further into his personal nightmare.

“Dad?”

Sarah was calling out for him with a slightly waving voice, trying to get his attention. He could also spot how glassy her eyes were and how pale she looked, even from where he was still sitting by the table.

And with just looking at him, seeing him like that with his hands still balled into fists and the broken pen laying in front of him on the table, his daughter knew that he had heard everything.

And with seeing Sarah like that, Joel knew she was assuming the same as him. That she had also been able to count one and one together, of course she had. Sarah had come to the same result as him.

With seeing his daughter all down and upset like that, Joel swallowed down his anger, at least for now, to meet her half way and gather her in his arms.

“It’s okay, baby.” Even tough, they both knew it wasn’t. “I will talk to Marlene tomorrow. We will figure this out.”

Joel texted Marlene only minutes later, after Sarah had left into the living room, that she needed to come over first thing tomorrow morning, since he urgently needed to talk to her.

Without asking many questions, maybe because she already knew what was going on, the woman arrived about thirty minutes after the girls had left for school, since Joel didn’t want them to be any near to this conversation.

And with them not being around at the moment, Joel also finally let his anger show, not holding himself back anymore. Not like he had done so for the rest of yesterday for Ellie’s sake.

Latest when Marlene entered his kitchen, she already seemed to know what was going on, about what he wanted to talk to her about so urgently. The woman didn’t seem to be surprised about Joel being so furious and the pissed way he looked at her.

“Tell me the truth. And I swear to God, don’t dare to fool me.” Joel growled at her, his knuckles had already turned white as he held tightly onto the backrest of the chair in front of him. He could feel the anger causing his blood to boil inside his veins. “What has happened to that sweet, little girl you don’t want to tell me about?”

Joel was aware of that Marlene was intimidated by his way or the furious way his voice did sound, and he knew he will be sorry about it later, even though he had done so unintentionally. He could watch how the woman finally gave in, when her shoulders sank, she looked torn and did bite down onto her lip.

“I.. I’m actually not allowed to talk about it.”

Joel narrowed his eyes at her, hearing so only got him even more enraged. To not break anything, he crossed his arms in front of his chest, which he knew only made him look even more intimidating.

“So then tell me instead how the hell I’m supposed to take care of Ellie when I don’t know the truth?”

Joel challenging with raised eyebrows to which Marlene kept quiet, she only dared to look up at him through her lashes.

“Tell me it’s not what I think it is.” Joel demanded, even though he knew he was right and also that he did sound desperate. “Tell me no one had hurt that little girl.”

He finally spit out between clenched teeth, even though just the thought alone still made him feel sick.

Joel was actually pleading the woman to tell him that he was wrong and there was another reason Ellie behaved the way she did. Even though he couldn’t come up with another reasonable explanation for her behavior, even though he had tried to do so bad in the last hours, since he had got to know about it.

Marlene then took one more deep breath through, she even closed her eyes while doing so, before she finally admitted with a small and affected voice

“It was her last foster father. He had.. He had abused and raped her for almost two years.”

Joel saw red then with finally getting his biggest fear confirmed.

To make room for his anger, he kicked the chair right in front of him away so it broke apart next to Marlene’s feet. The woman didn’t seem to be any surprised about his outrage. She actually looked like she wanted to do the same.

Joel best wanted to continue, to smash his fist into the next best thing or better, find that bastard and beat the life out of him, but he knew that not anything of these will help or change about what had happened to that little girl and how she felt.

That Joel couldn’t make it undone, even though he wished he could. But anger was rising inside him once again when he realized all those things he had done wrong since Ellie was living under his roof.

He had done everything wrong so far. If he had known so before, he would have treated Ellie differently, he would have handled things in a better way for her. He would have paid more attention, he could have been more cautious.

But all Joel had done so far was making Ellie feel even worse, even though it hadn’t been his intention.

But then Joel also finally realized that everything about this, about Ellie living with Sarah and him together, had been wrong since the very beginning. Marlene should have never put that girl into a home with a single dad. She needed another place with both parents or maybe just a mother figure around her but not someone like him.

“Why? Why did you let this happen? Why did you agree for her to live here? It’s not what she needs right now.”

Even without further explanation about what he was talking about, Marlene seemed to understand what he was referring to, but obviously she had a different opinion about that matter, when she shook her head

“No, this is actually exactly what Ellie needs right now.”

Joel only snorted out loud with hearing so, not getting it how that woman had become a social worker. Because even someone as less educated as him could tell that the last thing that girl needed right now was the constant presence of a man, a stranger around her.

Marlene was probably offended about his respectless reaction, why her voice did suddenly sound firmer and more determined again, when she tried to explain to him

“Ellie needs someone she feels protected with, someone she feels safe around. And you make her feel that way.”

To say that he was surprised to hear so was an understatement. Joel even considered for one brief moment that the woman opposite him was not in the right state of mind or at least joking with him, since everything he had done so far was freaking that girl out, scare her and make her feel uncomfortable.

“Why do you think to know how she feels about this? About living here? You haven’t seen the way she looks at me. Ellie behaves likes she expects me to hit her with every moment. She is constantly angsty, uneasy and tensed around me since the moment she has arrived. I don’t make her feel safe nor protected at all, she is actually fucking scared of me.”

Marlene narrowed her eyes at him, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

“No, she is not.”

Joel scoffed with hearing so, he still didn’t get it that Marlene wasn’t able to see it.

“What makes you so sure about that?”

“Because she has told me.” That caused Joel to shut up and hear the woman out for once. “Ellie would have told me so, if she would really feel that way. It’s part of the deal. I ask her every day if she is alright and she never just hints that she wants to get somewhere else.”

Of course, Joel had been aware of that Ellie and Marlene were talking on the phone, at least he had noticed them doing so a few times, but he hadn’t been aware of that they were talking to each other daily. He also hadn’t been aware of what they were talking about and that Marlene was actually calling to check on the girl every day.

“Besides, I have been looking for someone like you. A father figure Ellie will be able to rely on. Someone to protect her, to make her feel safe and to be in good hands with. Tommy has said you were perfect for that job.”

“Tommy knows about all this?”

Joel couldn’t imagine that his brother knew about Ellie’s past and hadn’t told him anything about it, since he knew how protective Tommy could become as well, especially when it came to an innocent child. 

“No, but when I have told him I was looking for a man Ellie will feel safe and sheltered with, Tommy had instantly suggested that you would be the perfect man for this job.”

Under any other circumstances, Joel would feel flustered about it, about the trust his brother put in him and how highly he was talking about him, but even after everything, Joel still wasn’t convinced about him being Ellie’s best choice.

“Joel, look. I know you don’t believe me yet, but I have agreed for Ellie to stay with you for a good reason. Do you really think I would have let this happen without being one hundred percent sure about what I’m doing here? To put her into a home with a single dad after what she has been through back in Boston? No, I have faith in you and I know you can do this. I know you are good for Ellie and I know you can help her heal. You are the right person for her, you are what she needs at the moment. You just need to give Ellie time, because I can tell she already trusts you.”

Joel highly doubted that. Ellie did trust Sarah, but not him. Not like he wished she would to be able to show her how much she was cared for and that he won’t ever let anything like that happen to her again.

Still, Marlene’s words let him hold on for one moment and think about it. Because the last thing he wanted right now was to break that girl’s heart with sending her away. Even though he still didn’t believe Marlene’s words that Ellie felt comfortable and safe enough here with him.

But just the thought alone about that Ellie would be put into just another family, maybe with just another single dad that would be less understanding than him and maybe intended to harm her again, already caused his guts to turn around and make him feel sick.

No. He won’t let that happen. At least he could make sure the girl was safe here as long as he was around her. He knew then that nothing could happen to her, he would never let any harm come any close to her ever again.

He will give her the safe place she needed to heal.

“What has happened to that bastard?”

Joel suddenly had the desire to get to know so, , even though he couldn’t care any less about that monster. But he just had to know if he needed to buy a ticket to Boston to smash in that bastard’s stupid face, after what he had done to Ellie.

“He is arrested.”

So no revenge. Maybe it was for the better, since Joel needed to focus on Ellie.

“When.. when he had once again tried to.. Ellie has stopped him with stabbing him and running away. A patrol car found her covered in blood in the middle of the night. That’s how everything came to light.”

Even though Joel hated that Ellie had needed to do that, he was still damn proud of her for protecting herself and giving that bastard what he deserved. Even though Joel would have liked to be the one to do so and hell, he wouldn’t have stopped until the bastard had taken his last breath.

“Good girl.”

Joel finally muttered to which Marlene could only nod her head in agreement.

Still, he felt sick with just thinking about what that little girl had been through, while he rubbed over his face in exhaustion.

But Joel got it now why Ellie was here in Wyoming when she actually came from Boston. To be far away from that bastard, far away from her past to get the chance for a new start here. And Joel will be dammed to not give the girl the best possible requirements for it.

He will try to do anything in his power to give that girl what she deserved. Joel will be what Ellie needed.

Chapter Text

Sarah looked at him that curious, expectant way since she and Ellie had got back from school later that day, but before he could talk with his daughter about his conversation with Marlene, Joel needed to talk to Ellie first, since she had priority right now.

Still, he waited until after dinner, since he didn’t want to spoil the girl’s already less appetite she had anyway. Just when the two girls had wanted to stand up to go to watch some TV before bed, Joel said to Ellie, trying to sound as calm and trustworthy as possible  

“Ellie, can you hold on for a moment. I want to talk to you.”

Of course, she instantly tensed up and her eyes widened in fear.

“Don’t worry, sweet girl. You haven’t done anything wrong. I just want to talk to you about something.”

Seeking for help, Ellie looked over at Sarah, who only nodded her head in a reassuring gesture and promised her to wait for her in the living room. Not too far away, so Ellie knew Sarah will still be close and be able to hear her if she would call out for her, but with still some distance to give Joel and her some privacy.

Joel knew he was less intimidating to her when he crouched down in front of her so they were on eye level. But still he kept some distance between them to not make her feel even more uncomfortable or even anxious.

“Ellie, I just want you to know that you don’t have to fear anything from me.”

He could watch Ellie’s eyes slowly widen in realization, because she was aware of that he knew about her past, about what had happened to her.

“I won’t ever hurt you in any way and I will also make sure about that no one else will ever hurt you again. You can trust me. I will keep you safe, sweetheart.”

It once again demanded everything from him to not reach out to gather her in his arms or to just hold her shaking hands in his, to give them a comforting squeeze or to brush over the back of her fingers with his thumb.

“I know it can’t change the already happened, but I swear to you that no one will ever lay a finger on you again. You are safe here with me, with us. I promise, darling.”

Helplessly, Joel had to watch those clear tears building up in Ellie’s eyes and he almost reached out to brush that thick, single tear away when it had finally fallen over the edge of her eyes.

“It’s not your fault, sweetheart. Nothing you have done has caused this to happen to you. It’s not on you.”

The girl then quickly looked away from him, biting down onto her bottom lip to prevent even more teardrops to run down her saddened, little face, since she didn’t want him to see her this vulnerable. Joel was sorry for causing those tears and getting her all emotional like that, but he had really needed her to hear this.

Ellie still refused to look at him, sniffing quietly and wiping the corner of her eye with her shoulder, since she was probably still scared of letting her guard down in front of him. She still didn’t trust him enough, but that was alright. He was glad about that she was so careful who she trusted.

But maybe Ellie was also scared of love or any kind of affection, since she only knew pain and fear. Since she assumed that it was all there was. But the girl’s tears showed him that she slowly began to doubt it, to maybe re-think her way of assuming things so far. That there was actually more than just fear and violence.

Maybe Ellie slowly but sure believed him and began to trust him. At least Joel hoped so. Because he was now aware of that for so long in her life no one had been there for her, to care of this kid and protect her like a father would.

Ellie had been scared and lonely with no one around to stand up for her for already long enough. But now Joel was her caregiver, probably the only one who had ever really tried to take good care of her, to give her some kind of nest warmth.

He was also aware of that even though the girl still looked so much like the child she actually was, Ellie was still able to handle herself at the same time. She was way more grown up than she was supposed to be, than she should have needed to be, because no one had ever been there for her before.

She was used to taking care of herself and to not rely on anyone except herself, but Joel will try to change that and give her what she deserved. And the first thing was to get her some tissues, since he had already caused those tears still sticking on her cute face.

“Here.”

Ellie took it gratefully, but still didn’t dare to look his way, which was fine.

“Why don’t you join Sarah in the living room, sweetheart? I will clear the dirty dishes away and then I will bring you some popcorn.”

Agreeing, Ellie nodded her head before she cleaned her nose.

“Or do you prefer some hot chocolate?”

“Hot chocolate. Please.”

The girl dared to say between sobs and even though Joel’s fatherly instincts were literally screaming at him to gather her in his arms, to comfort her and tell her that everything will be good, he still resisted that urge and only smiled to himself, before he got onto his feet again with a groan Sarah would have probably teased him about.

“Then hot chocolate it is, darling.”

It didn’t surprise him at all, when not even fifteen minutes after the girls had actually gone to bed, he suddenly found Sarah joining him in the living room.

Of course, she was still curious about what he had found out this morning with talking to Marlene and of course, she also still wanted to know what he had said to Ellie earlier after dinner, since she had noticed that Ellie had been crying when she had finally joined her in front of the TV.

“What is it?”

It broke Joel’s heart to say out loud the following, especially because he knew how much Ellie meant to his daughter and how much she was feeling with her. He hated that he had to do the following, but he also knew that Sarah sensed it, whenever he wasn’t telling her the truth.

And he was also aware of that she did already assume it, since she was smart, even though she thankfully never had to worry about that in her life. So, after taking a long deep breath through, Joel finally told his daughter the truth and it broke his own heart all over again with having to say it out loud

“I’m sorry baby, but someone has hurt your Ellie. Someone has really hurt her.”

“Dad.”

Sarah whined with a shattered heart herself, before she wrapped her arms around his upper arm and huddled closer into his side. Joel could hear her sharing some tears for her little friend and finally also Joel himself let his feelings break free when he felt some teardrops escaping his own eyes as well.

He actually couldn’t exactly explain it, but things had somehow changed, had somehow become easier, when not even better since Ellie was aware of that he knew about her past and what had happened to her.

Of course, she still kept her distance to him and of course he also still gave her the space she needed, respecting her privacy, but something felt different compared to before. Maybe because she wasn’t looking at him anymore like he was just another monster, which was only waiting for the right moment to harm her.

Maybe because the girl had finally warmed up around them, began to smile more often in his presence, talked to him on her own initiative, even made jokes and also told them puns. Ellie was finally also more open to do new things, to spend time with Sarah volunteer and play with her together.

And the girl also didn’t seem to be that tensed and uneasy around him anymore. She also finally stopped to flinch by any of his movements. Of course, it was still far away from the way he wished Ellie would feel around him, but at least it were already the first steps into the right direction. They were doing process.

And since Ellie had finally warmed up in his presence slowly but sure, Joel had planned to surprise the girls on Friday afternoon to come home from work earlier than usual and to go with them together to the cinema.

He was surprised to not be the first one at home, when he found Sarah’s shoes in the hallway. But Ellie’s shoes were still missing. Oh yeah, she had mentioned something about going to the library after school during breakfast this morning.

“Sarah! I’m home!”

Joel called upstairs, since he could make out his daughter’s footsteps inside her room. Like always, he went straight into the kitchen to lay down the blueprints he had taken from the job site with him to look at them over the weekend to continue the plan for the next steps.

He almost hadn’t noticed the small package laying there on the dining table, but it still somehow caught his eyes in the end. Probably because the package looked somehow familiar to him.

Still with a frown between his eyebrows, Joel finally reached out for the package to take a closer look at it, since it hadn’t been there this morning when he had left. He was so focused on it that he did neither hear Sarah calling out for him nor her rushing downstairs.

The second Joel got it why the package was looking so familiar to him, he suddenly found himself thrown back in time, when he had held a similar package in his hands eighteen years ago, which he had got from the pharmacy for his girlfriend.

“Sarah!”

Joel yelled her name, even though he was surprised about that he was still able to do so, since he could already feel his heartbeat speeding up, his throat closing in and his breath coming way too fast for it to be healthy.

No. This just couldn’t be true. This just couldn’t happen, again. Not to his sweet little baby girl. Time couldn’t repeat itself.

“Dad!?”

Sarah’s voice told him that she was equally surprised and shocked about to not only see him home so early but also to see him holding the package inside his shaking hands.

“What the hell is this?”

Even though Joel exactly knew what he was holding there in his hands and for what it was good for. He had actually never yelled at Sarah before, but right now he just couldn’t help himself.

This wasn’t what he had wanted for her, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. His daughter was actually still a kid, still his baby girl. She shouldn’t have to go through the same as her mother and him back then. No, his baby shouldn’t have the same fate as her parents had.

“Dad, please. Don’t freak out. It’s not what you think.”

“I’m holding a fucking pregnancy test in my hand. What the hell am I supposed to think?”

“It’s not for me!”

That calmed Joel, at least little. But if it wasn’t for her, why had she got it then?

“Is it for one of your friends?”

“No. I mean, kind of.”

“What do you mean kind of? What the hell is going on here, Sarah?”

He could watch his daughter biting down on her bottom lip, while she assessed how she should tell him the truth. Her silence was making him more and more uneasy, when not even insane the longer it did last.

Joel was already shortly before exploding when Sarah finally spat it out.

“It’s for Ellie.”

“WHAT?”

Of course, hearing that didn’t calm him the slightest. It only caused just another panic attack to crawl up inside Joel’s chest. Sarah had instantly got it how close he was to finally lose it the entire way, when she quickly stepped forward to steady him with her palms pressed against his chest and her trying to reassure him with saying

“I told you, it’s not what you think. Ellie, she.. She is not pregnant.”

Sarah had somehow made it to take the package with the pregnancy test out of his cramping hands and take his hands into hers instead to give them a comforting squeeze and make him to keep on looking right at her to not lose it the entire way.

“But.. Why..”

Joel was unable to form any decent sentences anymore, because just the thought alone that Ellie could be pregnant did already break him, since this was so fucking wrong. And also the thought that someone had hurt her again under his care, even though he had promised her to keep her safe, only made him feel even more like a failure.

“I actually don’t know myself, dad.”

Sarah told him the truth, looking all helpless herself up at him, since she had obviously only done her little friend a favor without knowing herself what was actually going on.

“So.. No one has hurt her?”

“No, dad.” Sarah shook her head wildly to emphasize it. “No one has hurt her.”

Joel could only think of one more possibility then, why Ellie could have asked Sarah for a pregnancy test.

“But Marlene has told me that it had already happened months ago. It’s actually impossible for her to be..”

“Yeah, dad, I know.” Sarah sighed, since she had probably come to the same result as him. “But maybe.. I don’t know. Maybe she just needs to see it that she isn’t.” Well, that did sound plausible and could be the reason for it indeed. “But, this will only work out with you not being here.”

Sarah explained with big, nervous eyes and in the next moment, she was already trying to drag her dad out of the kitchen and into the direction of the front door, where he had actually just stepped through not even five minutes ago.

“You are not supposed to be here. Ellie will be here any minute and our plan won’t work out with you being at home.”

“But.. What I’m supposed to do?”

“I don’t know. Drive around for a while or go for a walk. I don’t care as long as you won’t be at home for the next two hours.”

And with that, Joel got kicked out of his own house.

He did like he got told by his bossy daughter and drove to the other side of Jackson. After sitting inside his car and still trying to process what had just happened and to finally get away from the verge of a panic attack, Joel went for a short walk to clear his mind.

He had to admit that Sarah was probably right, of course he was. Maybe Ellie needed this to somehow make peace with her past, before she will be able to look forward and leave the happenings behind.

Joel was actually sure of that the girl herself was exactly aware of that it was simply impossible for her to be pregnant after such a long time, but she maybe really just needed to see it with her own eyes to also convince her brain about it.

As long as it will help the girl healing, Joel was fine with it. Even though he still almost had a heart attack with thinking that history was repeating itself.

Damn, he also had to apologize by Sarah about the way he had reacted. Of course, he would have supported her no matter what, since he knew how it was to not have your family’s support, but he was still damn glad about that things really hadn’t been like he had first assumed them to be.

Of course, they would have still somehow made it, since his daughter could count on him and things were different compared to eighteen years ago, but he still preferred that none of the girls living under his roof were pregnant or just the possibility of being it.

Like Sarah had told him, Joel waited for about two hours until he finally drove back home with having given the girls enough time to fulfil their plan. He had also got them dinner on his way back home, since he still wasn’t in the mood for any cooking tonight.

Joel and also Sarah pretended like nothing had happened before, like he didn’t know about their plan, when he entered the living room and found the two girls playing some card game in front of the TV. This time, also Ellie looked up at him when he got home, she even slightly smiled at him, something she had never done before.

In general, the girl looked happier than he had ever seen her. More relaxed and even comfortable. Maybe this had really been what she had needed to calm down her nerves. She looked relieved, almost carefree, more in harmony with herself. It seemed like a big burden had fallen off her shoulders.

Joel had never thought that a pregnancy test would ever make him feel that relieved way himself, but it really did while he prepared their dinner. He even cut Ellie’s portion of Spaghetti into bite-sized pieces, the same way he had always done for Sarah when she had still been younger, until she had told him to stop doing it, since she wasn’t a baby anymore.

Ellie seemed to be in a real good mood tonight, when she even told Joel something about what had happened at school today when he had asked during dinner how her day had been. Sarah and he shared a quick look over the girl’s head then, since his daughter had also noticed the positive change in her behavior.

Joel tried to smile throughout the entire time Ellie was telling them her story, he was also nodding along and threw in some words to show her that he really paid attention to her and was interested in what she had to say.

God, she as such a sweet little thing.

It was once again pure instinct that caused Joel to drop his hand gently on top of Ellie’s head and let his fingers carefully run along the top of her head when he picked up her empty plate, with her having eaten up dinner for the first time tonight.

Only when he was already by the sink, Joel got it what he had just done in his subconscious. And also only then he realized that Ellie hadn’t flinched under his touch. No, he actually imagined that she had even slightly leaned into it.

Just a few days ago he would have spooked her with just attempting to touch her, but suddenly she didn’t seem to be afraid of him anymore. And if that wasn’t some damn process right here. That was his almost heart attack from earlier worth it.

But even though the evening had turned out better than it had first seemed to be, there was still one more thing Joel needed to do before going to sleep.

Quietly, he was knocking against Sarah’s bedroom door and finally went inside with an already apologizing smile on his lips when she called him in.

“Hey, there.”

Joel greeted, after he had taken a seat on the edge of Sarah’s bed and re-ranged her covers like he had always done when his baby had still been younger.

“Hey.”

She returned, even gifting him one of her sweet smiles, because of course she knew why he was here.

“I just wanted to apologize for freaking out earlier and even shouting at you. I’m sorry about that, baby girl.”

Sarah’s smile just got more understanding, she even reached out to take his hands, so he will stop fidgeting around as she assured him

“It’s alright, dad. I know what you have been thinking. But you don’t have to worry about that, since I won’t make the same mistake as mom and you have done back then.”

Even though Joel was actually damn relieved to hear so, he still corrected her with saying

“Such things happen quicker than you think, baby girl.” Even though he seriously still hoped that this won’t happen to Sarah in the next ten years. “Besides, don’t say that. Because you have been the best thing that has ever happened to us.”

And since this moment wasn’t already embarrassing and emotional enough, Joel then even leaned forward to press a kiss against Sarah’s forehead. His daughter shook her head and rolled her eyes at him and his sentimental way, but still she was smiling to herself with feeling so loved nonetheless.

It only caused Sarah to roll his eyes even harder, when he then also squeezed her hand and winked down at her. God, he was really way too soft around her.

But Joel became more serious again, when he remembered about the reason, they actually had to have this conversation.

“So, the test has been negative, right?”

Confirming, Sarah nodded her head. That relieved Joel finally the entire way, even though he had already assumed so before according to Ellie’s behavior tonight, but to finally get it confirmed let him conclude with all this.

“Dad, I want to help Ellie feel better. But, I don’t know how.”

Sarah finally admitted while playing with his fingers. Her voice had become all serious by that topic as well.

“You actually already do so, baby. Just with the way you treat her, being her a good friend. That’s what she needs the most at the moment and that’s what you should do. To just be there for her.”

Understanding, Sarah nodded her head, even though Joel could spot tears in his daughter’s eyes with her remembering about what Ellie had been through.

“C’mere, baby girl. I also wish to be able to do more, but that’s all we can do for her right now. We need to give Ellie time to heal and help her along her way.” When Joel could make out the sob coming from his girl in his arms, he only pulled her even closer and kissed the top of her head in affection. “You are such a good girl, baby. Ellie is lucky to have you.”

Joel stayed some more minutes until Sarah had calmed down and wasn’t in such a whiny, sad mood anymore, since he didn’t want her to fall asleep like that. After wishing Sarah good night and also kissing the top of her head for one more time, something he didn’t get the change to do so often anymore the older she was becoming, Joel finally stepped out onto the corridor to head to his own bedroom.

Actually, he best wanted to check on Ellie as well, but he also didn’t want to overstep a line, even though the girl had been in such good mood tonight. Instead, Joel only smiled at Ellie’s closed door and wished her good night in a whisper, even though she couldn’t hear it.