Chapter Text
Laughter started echoing through the room before the next song even began. Even the adults looked almost giddy, clearly anticipating whatever ridiculous caricature was about to appear of the famed war hero and supposedly wise wizard.
The moment the actor swaggered onto the stage—wearing a massive jeweled crown, a powdered wig, and a cape that dragged the floor—the room erupted into delighted cackles.
You say
The price of my love’s not a price that you’re willing to pay
“Wow. Strong start,” Theo commented. “Not at all like a scorned ex or anything.”
Blaise snorted beside him, already laughing too hard to add anything.
Amara gave her son and his… closest friend a fond, knowing look.
You cry
In your tea, which you hurl in the sea when you see me go by
“...What?” Gabrielle asked the room, utterly lost.
She wasn’t the only one. Confused glances darted between everyone.
Finally, several hopeful eyes turned to Hermione. She blinked under the weight of expectation, then shook her head. “Don’t look at me. I’m not particularly knowledgeable about American history—Muggle or otherwise.”
“But isn’t this British Muggle history too?” Pansy pointed out.
Hermione sighed. “Yes, but history’s strongly regulated by the state. They don’t exactly focus on wars Britain lost. And since we stop learning Muggle history so young, there’s only so much you can self-study between Hogwarts coursess.”
There was a thoughtful pause before Astoria piped up, “Wait—if Muggle history’s censored like that, is wizarding history the same? Because I don’t think they want us to learn anything with Binns as our teacher.”
Hermione frowned. “If it is regulated, I’d say the point isn’t cherry-picking—it’s ensuring no one actually learns anything at all.”
Every parent in the room turned suspicious, almost simultaneously shifting annoyed gazes toward Dumbledore. The old wizard, of course, pretended not to notice a thing.
Why so sad
Gabrielle burst into giggles when the “king” actor pouted dramatically through the next line. A few adults might have laughed too—but none were about to admit it.
Remember we made an arrangement when you went away
The little girl kept giggling, mimicking the way the man had pronounced “arrangement.”
Hermione perked up. “Oh! I can explain this part. The people who settled in the colonies were originally British. Their agreement with the crown was that they’d stay loyal to the king and the empire.”
“What are the colonies?” Daphne asked curiously.
“Before they became the United States,” Hermione explained, “they were known as the Thirteen Colonies—essentially, British territories in America.”
Now your making me mad
Remember despite our estrangement
I’m your man
Viktor tilted his head. “Is he not a bit young to be playing Headmaster Dumbledore?”
Several people jumped, startled. They’d nearly forgotten the Bulgarian was even there.
Ron snorted. “You’re only just realizing that now?”
Viktor ignored him.
Gabrielle raised her hand like they were in class. “Maybe he’s supposed to be older because of the grey wig?”
“That’s just how Muggle men showed off their wealth and status,” Hermione corrected gently. “Nothing to do with age.”
Fleur smiled at her sister. “Still a very good guess, ma chère.”
Cosette chimed in next, ever practical. “I think they just don’t care about age. Remember, they said Harry’s actor was only nineteen.”
Everyone nodded—yeah, that seemed about right.
You’ll be back, soon you’ll see
Ron scowled at the “king” onscreen. “You know what? I don’t think we will be.”
“Yeah,” Theo agreed firmly. “We’re not fighting for freedom just to go crawling back.”
Hermione looked between them, torn between correcting and sighing. She decided not to point out that they, as British citizens, would’ve been the ones getting rebelled against. It didn’t seem worth it.
You’ll remember you belong to me
“What a creepy and possessive way to say that,” Ginny muttered, frowning at the screen.
The Golden Trio all nodded in agreement.
You’ll remember that I served you well
Blaise snorted. “I’m fairly certain that if he’d actually ‘served them well,’ they wouldn’t be rebelling.”
Fleur countered thoughtfully, “Even under a kind ruler, people would still want their freedom.”
Blaise opened his mouth to argue, but Amara laid a hand on his arm. “A very interesting debate, my love—but perhaps not right now, hm?”
Blaise sighed, sheepish, and turned back toward the stage.
Ocean’s rise, empire’s fall
We have seen each other through it all
And when push comes to shove
I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love
“What does that mean exactly?” Daphne asked, interrupting the song.
Hermione frowned. “He said ‘a battalion’? That’s a military unit—usually three hundred to twelve hundred soldiers. And ‘fully armed’ means… every weapon imaginable.”
A heavy silence fell while that sank in.
Then, predictably, the group split into two camps.
Half found the abrupt shift from “angsty ex” to “threatening mass murder” absolutely hilarious. The rest were quietly disturbed by how easily the man on screen could order death without blinking.
It made everyone glance toward their Dumbledore—just a little uneasy.
Da-da-da-dat-da, dat-da-da-da-da-ya-da
“Um,” Viktor asked, clearly bewildered, “what’s going on now?”
“I think it’s just… random wordless singing,” Hermione said, brow furrowed.
Da-da-dat-dat-da-ya-da
Da-da-da-dat-da, dat-da-da-da-da-ya-da
Da-da-dat-dat-da
You say our love is draining and you can’t go on
The twins whooped and clapped as the actor dragged out his final note.
“I never thought I’d say this,” Fred began dramatically.
“But damn,” George finished, “Dumbledore’s hot.”
A wave of horrified laughter rippled through the room. Privately, most people did agree the actor was ridiculously attractive—but no one wanted to say it aloud.
Ginny and Ron booed their brothers at top volume, while the Slytherins gleefully joined in.
“Why, thank you, gentlemen,” Dumbledore said pleasantly, making the moment ten times more awkward.
The twins, of course, leaned into it—giving him dramatic bows.
You’ll be the one complaining when I am gone
And no, don’t change the subject!
Ginny and Luna recoiled in disgust, as if the actor’s spit might somehow reach through the screen.
“Wow, that was a quick change in tone,” Blaise drawled.
“So, so gross,” Ron muttered.
‘Cause you’re my favourite subject
My sweet, submissive subject
“Oh, that just doesn’t sound right,” Daphne complained.
Draco and Pansy nodded furiously, matching grimaces on their faces.
My loyal, royal subject
Forever and ever
And ever and ever and ever
“This man is completely insane!” Amos shouted. “Everyone needs to run!”
Even Dumbledore himself nodded sagely in agreement with that statement.
You’ll be back, like before
“‘Like before’—has there been another failed rebellion?” Viktor asked hesitantly.
Hermione bit her lip. “I don’t think so. I think he means everything will go back to how it was before they rebelled.”
I will fight the fight and win the war
The Gryffindors immediately jeered at the implication that their counterparts might not win the fight.
For your love, for your praise
And I’ll love ya tell my dying days
Fleur shuddered, visibly uncomfortable. Her veela blood, even diluted, had always drawn unhealthy obsession—men who looked at her like the king did at his “subjects.”
When you’re gone, I’ll go mad
Cosette tsked sharply, her own expression hard. As a half-veela, she’d endured far worse—and it was exactly why she’d married a man who hadn’t been swayed by allure, someone who saw her as a person, not a prize.
She straightened, addressing the room. “Now, this is a very important lesson, children. Anyone—man, woman, partner, whatever—who uses threats or guilt to make you stay with them, is someone you must leave immediately.”
Every adult in the room nodded gravely.
So don’t throw away this thing we had
‘Cause when push comes to shove
I will kill your friends and family
To remind you of my love
Then, slowly, every gaze shifted toward their Dumbledore.
The old wizard met their eyes with the same calm, unreadable smile.
Hermione shivered. The serenity in his face terrified her more than anger ever could. She was certain that in slightly different circumstances, the so-called Light’s champion could have become another Dark Lord entirely.
The Malfoys seemed to share that unease. Their version of Dumbledore might claim moral superiority, but he was still a man who believed his vision justified everything.
Da-da-da-dat-da, dat-da-da-da-da-ya-da
“I didn’t know it was possible,” Theo muttered, “to make happy nonsense words sound so scary.”
Da-da-dat-dat-da-ya-da
Da-da-da-dat-da, dat-da-da-da-da-ya-da
Da-da-da
Everybody!
Ginny and Luna were already humming along again, started singing at this, and were joined quickly by the other students—Hogwarts and foreign alike.
Da-da-dat-dat-da-ya-da
Da-da-da-dat-da, dat-da-da-da-da-ya-da
The twins began imitating the king’s ridiculous shoulder shuffle, laughing uncontrollably.
Then, to everyone’s astonishment, Dumbledore himself joined in, mimicking the movement with perfect comic timing.
Every head snapped toward him.
He just smiled that maddeningly cheerful smile. “What? It’s catchy. And he did say everybody.”
The room broke into laughter again before turning back to sing along with renewed enthusiasm.
Da-da-dat-dat-da-ya-da
Da-da-da-dat-da, dat-da-da-da-da-ya-da
“...Wait,” Tonks said suddenly, brow furrowing. “Did they just… kill that girl?”
Yes, scrolled the words across the screen. That is exactly what just happened.
“Why?” Gabrielle asked softly.
Everyone exchanged confused glances.
It’s likely to offset the comedy. He's not just a funny, eccentric king—he’s someone willing to start a war to keep control.
Astoria frowned. “Um… is this universe’s Dumbledore really that bad?”
Not quite, the writing replied. This is an American musical, so they exaggerated the king to mock him. But that doesn’t mean he was good either. Now—enjoy the next song!