Chapter Text
zihao: Not gonna lie, I'm kind of afraid of anxin...
kangmin: As you should be.
zihao: No, for real, they're kind of-
kangmin: As. You. Should. Be.
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woojin: Last night I found out haneum is a sleep talker.
junseo: Oh, really?
woojin: "The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell." Right. In. My. Ear. At 3am.
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sangwon: That's ridiculous, leo doesn't have a crush on me.
geonwoo: Yes they do.
jiahao: Yes they do.
leo: Yes I do.
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The demon kangmin summoned, standing amidst the destroyed kitchen: How? How were you able to summon me?!
kangmin, flipping through a cookbook as fast as they can: I don’t know!! You were supposed to be chicken soup!
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xinlong: Why is junmin crying on the floor?
donggyu: They took one of those 'what person are you?' quizzes.
xinlong: And?
donggyu: They got leejeong.
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sanghyeon: Count me in!
geonwoo: Who the hell are you?!
sanghyeon: Oh, you know my sibling! They worked at Wendy's.
geonwoo: Oh yeah, woojin! How are they doing?
sanghyeon: Oh yeah, not too good. They've been dead for the past month.
hanwen: What the hell, they didn't tell us!
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kangmin: I think I'm falling for you.
anxin: Then get up.
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anxin: Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve.
junmin: I think you mean cards.
junseo: They did not.
anxin, pulling out knives: I did not.
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leo: WHO ATE MY BREAD?!
leo: I'M GOING TO FUCKING K-
sangwon: I did?
leo: Kiss you and buy some more, you haven't been eating anything today sangwon.
leo: *walks away*
sangwon:
sangwon: They're gone sanghyeon.
sanghyeon, coming out of the closet with bread stuffed in their mouth: Twankh uh!
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junmin: I couldn't do this without you, yumeki.
yumeki: Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course.
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junseo: How the hell did you crash the car?!
zihao: So I was just driving today, right? And my navigation told me to go straight.
zihao: I was like "woah, that's homophobic". Instead, I went gay. And, THAT'S when I got into an accident.
junseo: ...
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kaiwen: You can do it donggyu!
kaiwen: But if you can't, at least your death will be quick, painless, and really cool to watch.
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masato: I'm yet to properly begin my history notes BUT!!!! I got 100% on a quiz about european countries so who's the REAL winner here.
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haneum: How is the most beautiful person in the world?
liyu: *blushing* I—
leejeong, butting into the conversation: sangwon is perfect, thanks for asking.
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leo: There’s no “I” in team, but there is one in pizza.
junil: So, you’re not going to share?
leo: I’m not going to share.
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Hairdresser: How would you like your hair cut?
hanwen: Preferably with scissors, but a sword could be badass.
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geonwoo: If this plan goes down the drain, where should we regroup?
xinlong: The afterlife, I guess.
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yunseo: What are you doing here?
chingyu: I could ask you the same question.
yunseo: I live here. This is my house.
chingyu: I should probably ask you a different question.
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sanghyeon: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!
zihao: Apparently, we're not.
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kangmin: anxin, remember when you said you weren’t going to interfere with my love life?
anxin: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all.
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sanghyeon: Hey, xinlong, are you free on Friday? Like around eight?
xinlong: Yeah.
sanghyeon: And you, geonwoo?
geonwoo: Umm... yes?
sanghyeon: Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date!
geonwoo: Did they just-
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haneum: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life.
liyu: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?
haneum: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.
sangwon: Edible.
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zihao: ARE YOU-
anxin: Fucking.
zihao: KIDDING ME?! YOU-
anxin: Fucking.
zihao: IDIOT!
hengyu: …What was that?
anxin: junseo banned zihao from swearing, so I’m helping them out.
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woojin: Go big or go home!
xinlong: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home.
woojin: I'm going big!
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junil: Everyone has a toxic trait. Except kaiwen, they’re perfect.
kaiwen: Wrong! My toxic trait is how badly I want to domesticate a raccoon.
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haneum: I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.
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masato: If I fall…
junseo: I’ll be there to catch you.
leejeong: *looks at junmin* What if I fall?
junmin: Then I’ll fall with you, never leaving your side.
donggyu: *watches these two interactions*
donggyu, to kaiwen: And if I fall?
kaiwen: I’ll be the one who pushed you.
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*The Squad is at Home Depot*
woojin: *Fell in the cacti display while wandering around the garden section*
anxin: *Shitting in the display toilets*
zihao: *Tokyo Drifting one of those flatbed carts down the aisles*
liyu: *Stealing paint chips for aesthetic purposes*
leejeong: *Just wanted some goddamn lightbulbs and everyone ruined it*
kangmin: *In the car sleeping*
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geonwoo: *falls down the stairs*
jiahao: Are you okay?
yumeki: Stop falling down the stairs!
anxin: How’d the ground taste?
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liyu: Can I be frank with you guys?
woojin: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is going to help.
sanghyeon: Oh! Can I still be sanghyeon?
haneum: Shh! Let Frank speak!
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kaiwen: What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave, and her name was Mozzarella?
hengyu: Don't ever speak to me again.
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leo: So don't panic but one of us is possessed by an owl....
chingyu: ....
junil: .....
sangwon: ......
leejeong: ..Who?
leo: That's the thing we don't-
*Everyone stares at leejeong*
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zihao: Don’t worry, I have a permit.
xinlong: ...This just says “I can do what I want”.
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yunseo: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple...
liyu: I really care about your feelings!
sanghyeon: I really care about YOUR feelings!
yunseo, turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple...
anxin: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL!
jiahao: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU!
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junmin: "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield."
leo: Opposite over hypotenuse.
leo: Dipshit.
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junseo: So, everyone, what does a story NEED?
haneum: A character!
donggyu: A setting!
hanwen, a gleam in their eyes, in a near-whisper: REVENGE.
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chingyu: What are you two arguing about this time?
sanghyeon: They’re always using common phrases incorrectly!
woojin: Cry me a table, sanghyeon.
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geonwoo: *standing at the top of the stairs* What are y'all doing at the bottom of the staircase?
zihao: I accidentally fell down.
junmin: LEEJEONG PUSHED ME down the stairs because I refuse to pay THEIR part of our rent!
donggyu: kaiwen bet me fifty bucks that I couldn't reach the bottom of the stairs faster than they did falling down it, so I slide down the banister to get my money.
junseo: I don't know how I got here. One moment, I was sleeping in my bed, three floors up, and then suddenly I was waking up here, just in time to get crushed by donggyu.
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haneum: Throw lamps at people who need to lighten up, and throw handles at someone who needs to get a grip!
leejeong: Throw a refrigerator at someone who needs to chill!
jiahao: Throw scissors at someone who needs to cut it out!
sangwon: Throw a clock at someone who needs to get with the times!
liyu: Throw matches at someone who needs to get fired up!
anxin: Throw a brick at someone to kill them.
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leejeong: kangmin is so...
yumeki: Annoying?
zihao: Cute?
junmin: Funny?
donggyu: Weird?
leejeong: I don't know, maybe if y'all let me FINISH for ONCE IN MY LIFE, I'd tell you!
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chingyu: What do you all intend on majoring in?
liyu: Respecting women.
leo: Minecraft.
junmin: Criminal justice and psychology.
kangmin: I'm terrified that I’ll lock myself into an interest that I’ll no longer be passionate about in a few years like all the other areas of study I’ve pursued over my life!
hanwen: Minecraft as well.
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*The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one*
junmin: I will not let you down.
geonwoo: Sounds fun.
sanghyeon: K.
anxin: No, I'm fucking not.
woojin: Do I have to be?
sangwon: Please god, I am so tired.
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donggyu: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier.
donggyu: Violently practices.
sangwon: Violently studies.
yumeki: Violently sleeps.
geonwoo: Violently shoots pictures.
junseo: Violently boxes.
zihao: Violently murders people.
yumeki: Violently worries about the previous statement.
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leo: Hopefully anxin has learned a lesson about respecting other people's feelings.
anxin: Oh, shut up and die leo.
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liyu: sanghyeon, do you love me?
sanghyeon: Of course I do!
liyu: Would you still love me if I did something bad?
sanghyeon: Well, of course I… would…
liyu: I mean something really, really—
sanghyeon: liyu, what did you do?
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yunseo: What do you want for breakfast?
anxin: I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN.
donggyu:
donggyu: They want eggs.
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kaiwen, slamming pots and pans together to the rhythm of "Give it to me, I'm worth it": I didn't get no sleep cause a' y'all! Y'all never gonna sleep cause a' me!
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*Everyone is playing a board game together*
leo: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'.
yumeki: I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'.
woojin: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'.
anxin: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'.
kangmin: *flips the board*
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junseo: Who the fuck-
masato: Language!
junseo: Whom the fuck-
masato: No.
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sanghyeon: Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so BABY OIL-
leo: CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NICE FAMILY DINNER FOR ONCE?!
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woojin: Hey, can we stay in your dorm tonight?
sangwon: Why?
sanghyeon: liyu fiddled with an ouija board and cursed ours.
yunseo: haneum doesn't know how to banish spirits, so they just throw salt at them and yell "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A HOTEL TO YOU?!"
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kangmin: Truth or dare?
geonwoo: Truth.
kangmin: How many hours have you slept this week?
geonwoo:
geonwoo: Dare.
kangmin: Go to sleep.
geonwoo: I don't like this game.
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kaiwen, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.
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anxin: Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig up!
anxin: Make sure to follow me for more gardening tips!
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kangmin: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?
geonwoo: *crouches down*
liyu: *kneels down*
woojin: *sits on the floor*
kangmin:
kangmin: I hate all of you.
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xinlong: Plants have feelings too?! What is this? Now I can't have food!
geonwoo: You can eat a rock.
junmin: Air.
haneum: The fabric of time and space.
zihao: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems.
xinlong: You guys are not helpful.
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liyu: You call yourself my soulmate, but where were you when my reel only had four likes?
sanghyeon: Making four accounts.
liyu, tearing up: Really...?
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leejeong: Does everyone know their job for today?
yunseo: Water the flowers.
yumeki: Vacuum the carpet.
junil: Wash the dishes.
anxin: Pretend to be a wolverine.
leejeong: Close enough.
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donggyu: One time I went to hand junmin a bowl of soup. I wanted to say “Careful, it’s hot!”, and “Here’s your soup!”, so instead I blurted out “Careful it’s soup.”
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kangmin, holding in their laughter: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing?
hengyu: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it's incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic human language.
kangmin:
kangmin: Water you doing?
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leo: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and i feel like that’s more accurate.
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jiahao: anxin...
anxin: Oh no, 'anxin' in B flat.
anxin: You're disappointed.
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chingyu: Three of the four elements are represented as types of hockey. Air hockey, ice hockey, and field hockey. Fire hockey needs to be a thing.
sangwon: Fire hockey absolutely does NOT need to be a thing.
hanwen: Do you care NOTHING for the balance of the four elements?!
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junseo: Watcha got there..?
kaiwen: *petting a ostrich* A smoothie.
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leo: So what’s for dinner?
donggyu: I can’t tell you, it’s a soup-prise!
leo: …
leo: Is it soup?
donggyu: I soup-pose it could be! *winks*
leo: Please, enough with the soup puns!
dongyu: Wow, you’re soup-per mean.
leo: STOP!
*one hour later*
leo: It’s fucking tacos?!?!?!
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woojin: Hey, do you know anyone who can teach me to play the trumpet?
hengyu: Why?
woojin: I want to wander around playing it to annoy liyu.
hengyu: Technically, you don’t actually need to know how to play the trumpet well for that.
woojin: hengyu, you have opened my eyes.
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sangwon: Why are kangmin and geonwoo sitting with their backs to each other?
leejeong: They had a fight.
sangwon: Then why are they holding hands?
leejeong: They get sad when they fight.
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woojin: Pick a card, any card.
zihao: Fine.
woojin: Wait, that's my credit card!
zihao: You said any card.
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junil: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.
leo: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.
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xinlong: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK!
anxin: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!
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kaiwen: It’s just that lollipop sticks last longer than the head, even if they’re less flavorful. I’m thinking of paper sticks, because you can peel off the layers with your teeth or leave it there until they fall off naturally, but plastic sticks can be chewed on too or left sticking out like a cigarette. Paper straws can be eaten layer by layer over time though, so they have the edge.
sangwon, bored: Can’t we just leave while they’re distracted?
hengyu, genuinely interested: But what about wooden sticks?
sangwon: I hate you.
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jiahao: Underestimate me. That'll be fun.
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geonwoo: I’m totally useless.
liyu: You’re not totally useless.
liyu: You can be used as a bad example.
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leejeong: Yeah, I don’t like people.
kaiwen: Oh, well now that’s not fair leejeong. Have you met all of them?
leejeong: I’ve met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards!
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sanghyeon: Why are you drinking, junseo?
junseo: I don’t drink anymore, so don’t start with that.
sanghyeon, holding an empty water bottle: So why was this under your bed?
junseo: WE NEED WATER TO LIVE!
sanghyeon: NOT IN MY DAMN HOUSE!
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woojin: Hey, wanna help me commit arson?
anxin: What the hell!?
woojin: Oh, sorry, my bad.
woojin, whispering: Wanna help me commit arson?
anxin, whispering: Of course. What do you need?
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sangwon: Kill me nowwwww.
kaiwen: Sorry, no can do. I need your help with my homework.
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liyu: Screw lactose intolerance! I will consume as much dairy as I want!
liyu 2 hours later, crying on the floor: WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?!
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junil: Here are two pictures. One of them is your bedroom, and the other is a garbage dumpster. Can you tell which is which?
donggyu:
donggyu: This one is the dumpster.
junil: They’re both your bedroom.
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kangmin: leejeong! This soup is flaccid!
leejeong: LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN?!
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junmin: Things will get better!
The Squad:
junmin: Okay, maybe they won’t.
junmin: But they will be terrible in new and interesting ways!
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yumeki: N... No!
masato: A fair rebuttal. However, consider this counterpoint: Y... Yes???
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kaiwen: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!?
anxin: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.
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sangwon: I didn't drink that much last night.
zihao: You were flirting with leo.
sangwon: So what? They're my partner.
zihao: You asked if they were single.
zihao: And then you cried when they said they weren't.
masato: Where’s my chair?
junseo: geonwoo broke it over zihao’s back while they were wrestling.
zihao: Correction, geonwoo was wrestling. I was eating soup.
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xinlong: How are you today?
donggyu: Please don’t make me think about my life.
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*the Squad at Disneyland, in the teacups*
geonwoo, haneum, and junseo: *spinning a little and talking*
sangwon, leejeong, and anxin: *flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming*
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yunseo: How would you rate your pain?
junmin: 0/10. Would not recommend.
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yumeki: donggyu is not allowed to decide which one of us is the chosen one.
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hengyu, about geonwoo: They're speaking some kind of French.
kaiwen: Let me handle it. I speak Spanish. It's the same thing.
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anxin: Last night, I had a dream about sandwich pizza.
sanghyeon: What?
anxin: It was pizza with bread on the top and the bottom.
sanghyeon: So a calzone?
anxin: You can’t just name things I dream up.
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kangmin: Stressed.
anxin: Depressed.
donggyu: Possessed.
woojin: Obsessed.
hanwen: Impressed.
zihao: Chicken breast.
Everyone: ...What?
zihao: I just wanted to join in.
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yunseo: *tapping fingers on table*
chingyu: *taps fingers back furiously*
geonwoo: …What’s going on?
yumeki: Morse code. They’re talking.
yunseo: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … -
chingyu: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
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sanghyeon: What the hell was that?
leo: *picks up a flashlight* Only one way to find out!
kangmin: Wait a minute! You don’t go TOWARDS the spooky scary banging!
xinlong: Yes we do, kangmin. We always do.
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haneum: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like ‘look at this fucking flower. This flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I’m losing.’
yumeki: Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees.
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hengyu: I need life advice.
masato, sipping Gatorade and eating cookie dough: You came to the right person.
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leejeong: When I first met you, I thought you were weird and annoying.
kangmin: And?
leejeong: And you are.
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haneum: You're pathetic!
sanghyeon: You're pathetic-er!
woojin: You're both losers.
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junmin: Time for plan G.
donggyu: Don’t you mean plan B?
junmin: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
yunseo: What about plan D?
junmin: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
chingyu: What about plan E?
junmin: I’m hoping not to use it. zihao dies in plan E.
zihao: I like plan E.
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donggyu: *casually taking four stairs at a time*
haneum, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-
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sangwon, watching kangmin do something stupid: anxin, you're officially only the second highest risk here.
anxin: Hell yeah! I'm gonna—
sangwon: Don't finish that sentence, you'll move back up.
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sanghyeon: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere*
chingyu: Where did you get that?
sanghyeon: My pocket.
chingyu: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?
sanghyeon: Skills.
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sanghyeon, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.
chingyu: Hey.
sangwon: Hi.
yumeki: Hello.
junmin: Hey!
sanghyeon: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
woojin: We were out of Doritos.
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jiahao: The word “gay” is actually an acronym.
jiahao: God Actually doesn’t mind if You’re gay.
sangwon: God Accepts You.
haneum: God Always Yugoslavia.
zihao: Gandalf Ate Yoda.
yumeki: Stop adding random acronyms to this, it was beautiful at first and now it’s not.
kaiwen: God Actually doesn’t mind if we add acronyms because YOLO!
yumeki: I’m going to vomit on you.
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liyu: Nothing in life is free.
jiahao: Love is free.
geonwoo: Knowledge is free.
sanghyeon: Friendship is free.
hengyu: Self-respect is free.
anxin: Everything's free if you don't pay for it.
The Squad: ...
geonwoo: anxin, that's illegal-
liyu: No, let them finish!
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*The Squad is playing Chess*
sangwon: *easily beats everyone because they know how to play*
xinlong: *doesn’t know the rules, but wins anyway*
jiahao: *doesn’t know the rules, and loses*
kangmin: *knows the rules, but still loses to those who don’t*
anxin: Actually, you can’t do that, because I said so.
leo: They named a board game after cheese?
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liyu: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?
junseo, watching sangwon screaming, anxin trying to set a sleeping geonwoo on fire, and xinlong choking on air: I don't know either.
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*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
zihao: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
anxin: ...I did. I broke it.
zihao: No. No you didn't. geonwoo?
geonwoo: Don't look at me. Look at xinlong.
xinlong: What?! I didn't break it.
geonwoo: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
xinlong: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
geonwoo: Suspicious.
xinlong: No, it's not!
leo: If it matters, probably not, but jiahao was the last one to use it.
jiahao: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
leo: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
jiahao: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, leo!
anxin: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, zihao.
zihao: No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
leo: zihao... geonwoo's been awfully quiet.
geonwoo: rEALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
zihao, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
zihao: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
zihao:
zihao: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
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kaiwen: Who else is hiding in the laundry room trying to listen to masato and anxin's convo?
yunseo: Me. I'm in the laundry basket.
kangmin: I'm in the washing machine.
sangwon: I'm in the closet.
zihao: We accept you sangwon. <3
sangwon: No I'm literally in the closet.
zihao: Love is love. <3
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sanghyeon: “I miss you” is the nicest text you can receive.
woojin: “I bought a monster truck.”
junmin: You’re both wrong, it’s “I have too much money, you can have some.”
liyu: “I got you pizza.”
leejeong: Fools! I present to you this: “sangwon is driving to your house right now.”
woojin: “sangwon had too much money so they’re driving to your house in a monster truck with a pizza that they got for you.”
kaiwen: “…Because they missed you.”
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leejeong: We’re kind of missing something guys.
xinlong: Cohesion?
anxin: Teamwork?
chingyu: A general sense of what we’re doing?
junil: And leo is not here.
xinlong: Oh, and that, yeah.
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leo: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat*
anxin: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I’d have 15 cents.
leo: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you.
geonwoo: Actually I did the math, anxin would have $225, not $0.15.
anxin: Fam I’m right here....
sangwon: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)
leo: while you’re there could you buy me an apply juice please?
sangwon: Sorry I only have a dollar.
leo: :(
geonwoo: Hey I just realized my friend is right, anxin would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent.
sangwon: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice.
geonwoo: You can buy anything you want with $22,500.
junseo: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice.
geonwoo: Apply juice to what.
junseo: Directly to the forehead.
anxin: Great chat everyone.
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