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After a long day, a seemingly endless setup process setting up the armory, and checking all the personnel quarters in B-wing, John finally walks into his own quarters for the evening. He unpacked this morning, but that feels like it was days ago.
It’s good to be home, though. He always liked this room, and it still feels like his. Same standard-issue bed, same footlocker with his same clothing in it. Even his Johnny Cash poster is back in place. It’s like he never left.
Well… almost.
He’s been waiting for it since they got here, and sure enough, his door chime sounds. “Come in.”
Elizabeth walks in, arms folded. “Getting settled back in?”
“Getting there,” he says. “You?”
“Same.” After a moment’s hesitation, she asks, “Can we talk?”
“We probably should,” he says, as though he doesn’t know what she’s about to say. As though he hasn’t been dreading it and searching for ways to tell her she’s wrong.
“Yeah.”
She pauses, like she’s waiting for him to speak. But he doesn’t have anything to say, and finally, she takes a breath and says, “We have to stop.”
She’s right. He knows she is, but he can’t help himself. “You really want to stop?”
Elizabeth gives him a sad smile.
“It doesn’t matter what I might want.”
The SGC tried to throw together a ‘welcome back’ party two days after the Atlantis expedition came trudging through the Gate. It was as good a party as anyone could expect with 48 hours’ planning, overworked scientists attending, and the cement walls of an underground bunker for decoration.
The food was fine, the liquor wasn’t bad, but Elizabeth looked miserable. After he saw her glancing at the door like she was planning an escape, John pulled her aside and quietly asked if she wanted to go get a real drink somewhere off-base, somewhere no one would kindly ask her So what’s next for you?
One drink led to another, and another, and before either of them really understood what was happening, they were stumbling into a hotel room, fumbling with each other’s clothes.
A drunken indiscretion was one thing. But they didn’t stop.
They were back on Earth for almost two months, and when he wasn’t at the SGC or offworld, he was in her bed. She wasn’t answering Rodney’s calls. She wasn’t answering Carson’s calls. But she always answered John’s calls.
“Are we okay?”
“Yeah.” He’s looking at her like he’s trying to figure her out, and so help her, he’s never been more attractive. “We’re okay.”
Elizabeth almost wishes John would argue with her. If he tried to convince her, maybe she could let him. They could wake up together tomorrow morning, twined together in an awkward embrace, and take turns agreeing We’re still okay, right?
But they both know that relationship was the luxury of two people who weren’t holding together an intergalactic research and strategic outpost that runs on desperation, exhaustion, and sheer dumb luck. It doesn’t apply here.
Too many people here depend on them.
“I’m not sorry.” His gaze is unflinching, his voice clear. “It wasn’t a mistake.”
“No, it wasn’t.” It’s the most unfair part, she thinks. “We weren’t doing anything wrong.”
“It never felt wrong.”
It felt so, so right. The sex was incredible, night after night. They couldn't keep their hands off each other, and there was no reason they needed to.
“I wish…”
The words hang in the air between them like mist, and she doesn’t finish the sentence, because–what would she say? It doesn’t matter.
“Yeah,” he says, his voice as quiet as hers. “So do I.”
The low, subtle hum of the city surrounds them, the quiet white noise that feels as natural as breathing. She did miss this. She missed the salty ocean air. Watching breathtaking sunsets from the balcony. The glow of Athosian bonfires, the smell of roasting food and the laughter of children during the annual harvest festival.
She’s getting all of that back, but it doesn’t come without a cost.
“I should go.” She folds her arms, because if she doesn’t, she’s going to touch him.
That’ll fade. Probably.
“Okay.” He nods. “It’s okay, Elizabeth. We’re fine.”
How long before that's true?
“Thank you.” She takes a long breath. “Good night.”
Back in her own quarters, Elizabeth splashes water on her face and looks at the mirror. It’s for the best.
Maybe someday, things will be different.