Archive of Our Own ^beta

hi guys

I want pumpkin pie

ok bye 😸

_______

Matthias sat in his and Ikeda's shared bathroom, the artist was with Tei right now, so Matthias didn't block the door on Ikeda's side.

The dressage rider sat on the closed toilet, his pants folded nicely on the counter next to where he sat. Yet the sight of him right now was anything but nice.

His breathing was shaky, his grasp on the spare razor he snagged from the storage room was tight. His thighs were decorated with old scars, some just straight lines, and others seemed to take an actual shape.

Yet there was now a new addition to the skin.

Lines of red.

The cuts varied in length and depth, Matthias couldn't see much anyways, his vision was blurred from his tears. From the little drops that clung to his eyelashes.

It hurt. It hurt so much. Yet it seemed to take away the awful feeling in his chest, just for a moment. It felt like he could breathe without drowning in his own anxiety.

Ironic, since he was hyperventilating from how he was crying. The light pink haired boy sniffled as he looked down at his thighs. It felt too bare now that he's looking at it overall instead of how it looked in the moment.

6 cuts on the left thigh, 8 on the right.

"oow-"

Make that 7 on the left. The thin line slowly starting the dribble with beads of blood. Matthias watched as it did, a sob tearing out of his throat.

It hurt. He couldn't deny that, yet he couldn't say anything about it, he did this to himself. He deserved it. Just like he said.

Just like how he was told how he would be taken to jail if he tried to get help. He wanted to leave. He wanted to save himself and Ikeda from him.

Yet it seemed impossible. They were stuck in here for now since they were in a killing game. Matthias doubted they would both make it out, no matter how much he wanted to wish.

He or Ikeda would die most likely. Maybe both. He cursed under his breath as he angrily made another swipe on his thigh. 8 on the left.

Matthias hated this, Akiba and Ouno already died, for what? Yet he felt sorrow at the memory of the two. Akiba couldn't have known he was going to die, he didn't have a target on his back seemingly. Ouno just needed to see her daughter.

He dropped the razor, the metal dropping against the floor as he dug his palms into his eyes. He felt sick now, disgusting, the pain wasn't even his focus anymore.

It was the cold feeling around his legs and stomach, like it was being pinched at. Even if no one was doing it. The feeling ghosted over his body.

He dropped his hands down to wrap around himself, his eyes glued to the knew marks on his thighs.

He didn't think this through. Oh shit. Since someone stole their spare clothes, if he accidentally stained his pants it was going to be hard to explain the blood.

'' ... Breath, Matthias. ,,

The tan boy thought, slowly inhaling then exhaling, he couldn't afford to stress out right now. Even if it felt like his head was spinning.. He had to keep himself under check.

His hands, still shaky, reached out to the toilet paper and pulled some off, dabbing at the fresh wounds with winces.

"... I think Ikeda left some bandages in here from when he was stealing stuff.."

Matthias pondered aloud, standing up and using the counter for grip as he lifted up the toilet lid and put the bloodied toilet paper in there.

He crouched to look under the sink, and luckily there was some stuff Ikeda tucked away. He could replace what he used right now later.

He grabbed a small box that Ikeda tucked away decently well, peering into it and grabbing a small roll of bandages and medical tape.

The tall boy remembered when he was younger and first getting into dressage, when he would come home with certain injuries.

....

He missed his mom, had she continued looking for him, did she think he was dead?

No... She knew her boy was still alive, right? He sighed, stressed at the thought of his life in Belgium coming back.

But he got back up, he placed the two rolls that he got on the counter, the water still wasn't running so he couldn't use that to just do something a little extra.

How'd she do it again..? Right!

Matthias grabbed the rolls again, going to the toilet and putting the lid down and sitting down as he started the self bandaging. He subconsciously had his tongue slightly out in focus. He didn't mean to do it, just something that he learnt to do over time.

"Roll the gauze.."

He muttered, putting down the tape and using the separate roll, wrapping the material around his left thigh first. He wrapped it a bit tightly.. But he heard that putting pressure on wounds could slow bleeding! So maybe that could help!

"And... Tape!"

He spoke, grabbing the medical tape and using the tearable tape to put the bandage in place.

Then he repeated the process on his right thigh. Once he was done he admitted his handy work, before putting the rolls away in the box and tucking it away again. He closed the cabinet and put his pants back on, looking down at himself to make sure he didn't look off.

Once he made sure his clothes didn't look off, he looked in the mirror, his eyes were slightly red and a feel tear stains were left on his slightly rosy cheeks.

He wiped away the remaining tears with his sleeve.

'' There's always tomorrow... You tried and failed, but it's okay Matthias! Just try to not slit next time.. ,,

Matthias thought to himself, a truly failed attempt at hyping himself up. But he knew he needed to stay up.

The dressage rider was aware that he alerted everyone enough with the whole... Being bought thing. He needed to try and focus on that, to rely on others instead of locking himself in the bathroom.

He let out a small huff before turning on his heels and going back to his room to rest.

Completely forgetting the razor on the floor. Left for anyone to find.