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Chapter Text

"I'm just sick and tired of people saying that I am special, and there are great things waiting for me. What if it is not true? What if I am just normal and average?"

Remus was indeed tired. He was tired of people hating him for just simply being himself. He was tired of trying so hard and still failing. He was tired of loving someone who would never love him back.

Maybe he should have never come to Hogwarts. Maybe Grant was wrong to say he was destined for great things. He missed his old life. Remus had felt special being a Howler of the Moon. Maybe a delinquent but more part of something.

Remus wasn't in a good mood. Maybe it was because Sirius had rejected him after he confessed his feelings saying what they had been doing was a mistake. Or maybe it was because James was pissed because Sirius didn't tell him about them. And Remus felt guilty. Or maybe it was because of the fifth detention Snape and Slughorn had given him unfairly.

Whatever it was, Remus wasn't in the will to listen to his teacher philosophize about life and pushing him to do better. He wasn't in the mood to be scolded.

"Tell me something, Remus" Dumbledore said as he took a drag of his cigarette. "Why did you come to this school? Was it for Sirius?"

Dumbledore was an orthodox teacher. Remus had been used to be ignored by others. He had been treated badly because he was trans and old people didn't accept that. His former teachers didn't give a damn about his education or his life.

Dumbledore did. Not only that but he understood what it was to be queer. He did drag on his free time. That was really cool.

Sometimes Dumbledore was like a teacher, or sometimes like a parent, or sometimes like a friend.

Remus liked him, but most times, like right now, he wanted to be left alone.

To answer the question, yes. Primarly it had been for Sirius that he knew about this school and for Sirius's insistance that he applied for a scholarship. Although that was not what Dumbledore was asking.

"If your answer is yes" he said "That the main motive was to be close to your crush, then you are welcome to leave"

"Thanks for your kindness" Remus spat sarcastically and smoked.

He was kind of pissed.

"I know that Sirius might've been the reason but not the motive" Dumbledore added "That boy is not the only thing you are here for"

"Listen" Remus sighed "I know I have detentions and my grades are not that great, but I try, alright? It is hard! It is hard to try to fit in in a world where you don't belong"

Remus might've had his friends, and Hogwarts was ten times better than the other public ones he had been to. But not everything was great. He had Slughorn and Snape breathing down his neck like crows. They hated him for the simple reason of being different. Snape as a prefect gave him detention for simply breathing and Slughorn could not bare his existance so he wasn't fair.

Remus hadn't told anyone how he had been treated because he didn't want to complain.

"I don't have a plan!" Remus continued "I don't know if I will go to University or have a career" he shook his head "Besides my top surgery, I don't have dreams"

Remus looked at his teacher inspecting him. He couldn't decipher his thoughts.

"Are you disappointed?"

"I'm disappointed that you don't try"

Dumbledore put the cigarette stub away and turned to face Remus. He was smiling. Remus didn't understand how there could be people that smiled just because. It irritated Remus to the core.

"You know, Remus" he said, leaning into the bench "I don't want you to have top marks, be the top of your class or get a scholarship. I don't want you to have a successful career in whatever you are passionate about and earn enough money to live well and be happy"

Remus raised an eyebrow.

"I mean, it would be really wicked if you can manage all that" Dumbledore clarified with a smile "But I don't want you to feel like a failure if you don't"

The man turned to face the view of the trees and the lake, deep in thought.

"You're quite clever, boy. And I am pretty sure you can manage everything you want" he added "But there are circumstances that simply don't help us or destiny has other plans for us"

Maybe Remus's destiny was to fail, he thought.

"What would disappoint me of you would be that you give up" Dumbledore sighed as he gently patted Remus's knee "That's the real failure"

"Didn't you hear that I've tried?"

Dumbledore smiled amused at how annoyed Remus sounded.

"And we are all proud of that" he said "That's what special about you, why I like you the most. Your circumstances are harder than the ones many students here face. And being different in this society is almost like a crime" he looked at Remus "But look how far you've gotten. Remus, your application test was brilliant and the reason you are here in this school. And I know you love being here despite everything. That you love your classes and even read in your free time because you consider that culture and education is important. And I know you understand that there are more important things in life than money and power"

Remus thought it was true. That was all these rich kids wanted because that was what rich parents taught them. But there were exceptions.

"I know about your past, boy" Dumbledore nodded. He did. Lyall had gone to Dumbledore and McGonagall complaining about his son and the company he was keeping "I know you also came to this school because of your education, the opportunities and to get away from the life you had. Because besides Sirius, you care about something"

Life had been tough for Remus. Not just for not having money, or for not being born with the gender he identified himself, or his mother's sudden death, or because the only people that accepted him were delinquents. But because he hadn't been given a chance. He used to have no friends but enemies everywhere. He used to believe he didn't deserve much.

Then he found Sirius again, and he came to this school, and met really good people. The opportunity of studying in one of the best schools in the UK was a privilage. Maybe deep down it was true: he wanted something more.

"When you are my age," Dumbledore said, as Remus realized this. Like reading his mind "I would like you to go back and don't regret anything. To not feel like you gave up in anything. No matter how many degrees, professions, money or jobs you have. That's what is important. That's the key of being happy"

Remus blinked away his tears and cleared his throat.

"Are you happy then, Dumbledore?"

The man snorted as if the question was amusing.

"You know Remus, I am" he nodded "I might've lost opportunities of scholarships for romantic love. And I lost my family for discovering who I was. A queer mess. And lost job opportunities for self love. And when I was your age, I had other dreams than being a professor in the same school I was unhappy. But" he raised a finger "I can tell I lived and I tried, and I suffered and failed. But never gave up. That's what gives me peace"

Remus smiled because wow, whatever this man had to face in life had been worth it if they turn him into the man he was now. Remus fought the urge to hug him.

Remus didn't admire many people. But they few he did were incredible. Remus thought about Grant. He would have never been here if it wasn't for him as well.

"If you fancy'im sweety, then message him" Grant had said "Yer Prince Charmin' deserves to see the wonderful boy ye've turned into"

That first message was what had started everything. Remus wouldn't be here without it.

"You remind me of my friend" Remus commented, lighting himself another cigarette "He would have said the same thing"

"Any of the boys I know?"

Remus shook his head. He offered his teacher a new fag, the man rejected it.

"He's name's Grant" Remus replied "Doesn't go here"

"He sounds very clever" Dumbledore smiled.

Remus reckoned it was true. And he fitted with what Dumbledore had said. Grant had never been good at school, he didn't have much and he didn't have a career or a stable job. But he tried everyday to survive in a world that wasn't fair for him.

Remus's heart glowed thinking about Grant.

"Bout time you remembered meh, luv" Grant said inside his brain "Too busy wiff yer prince charmin' until he broke yer heart, eh?"

"Shut up, I love you too"

"Not quite like'im"

Remus shook Grant away from his mind.

"I will try, Dumbledore" he said out loud.

His professor looked at him with a smile.

"That's what I wanted to hear" he winked.

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"You have pretty eyes, do you know that?" she said out of the sudden "They are that kind of blue you find in the waters of a paradise beach. So blue and intense anyone would get hypnotized"

Peter blinked. Coming from someone who was pretty in her entirety. Not just the eyes. Her face, her body, her smile, her hair. She was beautiful. Effortlessly.

Maybe Peter hadn't seen her before because she used to be James's girl. And Peter was obsessed with Susan. But damn...

Peter focused on her heart shaped necklace going down through her neckline. Teachers should say something about how the top buttons of her shirt were opened.

Sirius was right. Best tits of their year. Peter's mouth went dry.

"If you and I have kids, I would want them to have your eyes"

Oh fuck...

"Brown is the dominant gene, though" he answered.

Being paired with Mary MacDonald in Biology had made Peter very nervous. Since his friends joked about Peter fancying Mary just because she was single, Peter started noticing her more. He was definitely noticing her now.

She was one of the most beautiful girls at school. Now they have to create a report on how their three hypothetical children would look like.

"Damn, I don't want my children to have my boring brown eyes" she pouted.

Peter smiled "I think your eyes are beautiful"

And he blushed because Mary looked at him with amusement.

"Brown shouldn't be... I mean brown can be pretty.... I don't know why brown is underestimated..."

With the way he stuttered, Mary giggled.

"Thanks" she chuckled "But, is there a chance one of our children will have your eyes?"

This assignment was hard...

"I don't know. Maybe" he shrugged "Mum has brown eyes but I still got my dad's blue ones"

Mary smiled at him. Peter blushed.

"You never talk about your dad"

They never talked at all. They knew each other but they barely crossed words. They weren't even friends.

Though, Peter's mum was a flirt and extrovert who was known by most of his classmates.

"I don't know him" Peter played with his pen, nervously "Just his name and the fact I have his eyes" he said "He left my mum and me when I was baby. He said he was going to the market to get something and never came back..."

Peter didn't like talking about it. It hurt that the man was such a coward to run away like that. He couldn't deal with being a father. Maybe he loved his mum but not him. Peter's dad never loved him.

Mary's smirk erased from her beautiful face.

"That sucks" she said with sigh "So you never met him?"

Peter wished she would stop asking questions.

"Nop" he said "And mum doesn't like talking about him"

Mary nodded and turned her gaze towards their assigment shit. Peter thought she was going to drop the subject but then she added:

"My dad was a coward too"

Peter didn't expect that.

"I thought you said he was cool and he was famous or something. That he was Hogwarts Alumni"

Although Peter had heard it had all been a lie. When James dated Mary he loved talking about her non-stop and Peter had learned through him that Mary's family was not rich or important. Mary's dad was a pastor in Church. James mentioned it because he was worried of what the man would say if he found out what the boy was doing with his precious daughter.

"The real one, I meant" Mary said with a melancholic tone.

"The pastor?"

Mary shook her head slowly.

"He's not my real father, Pete"

Peter felt like this was information she hadn't shared with anyone. He wondered if Marlene, her best friend, knew. But it was too personal.

"Jonah raised me like he was my dad. And my brothers are his sons" Mary explained playing with her pink pen "But my blood father is unknown. He was an arsehole who took advantage of my mum"

Peter was scared to ask what she meant for "take advantage".

"My mum was a new comer at Bristol," Mary explained "so this lad pretends to be the gentle type and seduces her. The second he found out she was pregnant, he fled"

"I'm sorry" It was all Peter could say "That sounds awful"

"I found out about all of this before coming to Hogwarts" Mary added "That's why I lied... I was embarrassed"

Mary's usual happy expression was gone. All of this made her less mystical and more human. She was a beautiful and popular girl. But she was real. Just like Peter.

"I would have lied too if I had the chance" he said, Mary looked at him in surprise "I'm embarrassed of him. Having a father like that"

"Me too"

They suddenly had a moment of understanding between them. Peter looked into those brown eyes. He noticed her long black eyelashes with mascara, and the few freckles on her nose. Not as noticeable as Evans's but cute.

Then he noticed her pink lips, shinny and glowing because of her lipstick. Peter had the desire to kiss them. He wanted to kiss her.

Peter's heart raced inside his chest. He had never been looked like that by any girl. Not even Susan.

What would be the chances of him taking the risk? Here, in the middle of Biology class? Would Mary freak out? Would she kiss him back? She was known to be an easy snog. And James had told them what an incredible kisser she was. Which made Peter want her more.

However, the bubble was broken when Mary smiled and looked away.

"Anyway, let's not be awful parents to our own kids, shall we?"

Even if it wasn't real, Peter's heart jumped at the idea of having kids with her.

Mary extended her hand, and when Peter shook it, he felt goosebumps.

"Deal"

Shit! He had a crush on her. He fancied Mary Macdonald.

Professor Sprout announced that they had ten more minutes to finish. So the rest of their assigment was made quickly because they were not nearly done.

Peter observed Mary the whole time. The way she licked her lips. The dimples on her cheeks when she smiled. The way her culs popped out even if she tried to keep them flat. She was beautiful.

When they were done, Peter liked the way their kids turned out and he imagined the idea of it being true. Marrying her, having kids with her. Just the idea of touching her like that made Peter's temperature rise.

He wanted sex with a girl but it would be amazing if it was with Mary. James also told them she was an excellent shag. Peter tried to think about disgusting things and not a naked Mary just not to get hard.

"Hey, Pete?"

"Mmm?"

Mary had grabbed his arm as they walked out of class. She smelled so good. Like cherries and cream.

"Please don't tell your friends what I told you about my dad" she whispered "They wouldn't understand like you"

Peter smiled because he liked having a secret with Mary. Keeping it for her.

"Sure"

"Great!" she smiled widely.

They walked together until they got to the Gryffindor Common Room. Peter's friends were sitting by the fireplace. He fantasized with the idea of them being suprised and envying him for having a pretty girl in his arm for a change.

"Wormy!" James gestured to join them.

But none of them were suprised that Mary was that close to him. They just greeted her and she greeted back.

"I have to go" Mary told him "It was a pleasure making children with you, Peter"

That comment not only made Peter go scarlet red, but his three friends looked up in curiosity.

"Come again. Macdonald?" Sirius asked. "What were you two doing?"

Mary giggled in response so Peter clarified "Just a Biology assignment. Genetic stuff"

"And I am satyisfied with what we've created" she said.

Peter blushed again. He saw James raising an eyebrow, Remus smiling at him and Sirius scoffing as if it was impossible.

"I think you'll have better chances with me, Macdonald" Sirius commented. "I could give our kids this gorgeous face"

Remus hit his ribs and Sirius said it was a joke but Peter was offended. The bastard had any girl he wanted. Peter had the right to fantasize.

"I'm happy with my biracial babies with their incredible ocean blue eyes" Mary chanted "Just like their dad"

Peter was so screwed. He fancied her a lot.

Sirius shrugged. But he was amused like the rest of the boys.

"Ok, bye Pete" Mary kissed his cheek, then turned to the others "Bye, guys"

As Mary walked away and climbed the stairs, Peter felt his whole face on fire. He took a seat in front of his friends with a stupid smile on his face.

"So, what were you guys talking about?"

Peter's friends didn't answer. They were looking at Peter amused.

"What?"

"You're blushing, mate" James snorted.

"I'm not!"

"Aww... You fancy Mary?" Remus asked teasing him.

"Shut up!"

"Maybe I can show you some tricks to win her over, Wormy" Sirius winked.

"Oh fuck off!"

Peter felt his whole face burning which made his friends tease him more. James squeezed his cheeks and rubbed his hair. Sirius started tickling him. And Remus started enumerating the reasons why he believed Mary fancied him back.

They treated him like a baby. Like a little boy with a crush in an impossible girl for him. Which was true. Mary would never feel the same. She liked good looking blokes, athletes like James, or arseholes like Mulciber. Mary would never set eyes on him.

That didn't stop him from wanking while he thought of her later that night.

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Walburga didn't know what got into herself. She was never the type of person to tell on someone. That was Lucretia. That was Cygnus maybe. Not her. She was the rebel type and whatever Orion did or didn't do was not her business.

But she felt something inexplicable inside of her when she saw Orion kissing that girl. Emptiness, then pain, and then pure rage.

"That wanker always has to ruin everything for me!" Lucretia whined "It's my wedding, mine!"

It was satisfactory seeing Lucretia suffering after how bad she had treated her. Auntie Melania was pale next to her. And Uncle Artucus was furious, rising from his chair.

"I'm gonna fix this, sweet pie"

Walburga almost smiled, until she saw her own father's expression. He was scarier than Uncle Artucus, by far. And he didn't seem pleased.

Orion had been after their care. Pollux's mission was instructing him to be ready to work for the company alongside him and turn him into a dignified man. Sharing the same roof was what made Walburga become a fool again. Always falling after his games and his charms. She was an idiot.

Walburga was somehow angry, but she knew that what she did would bring consequences.

"Weird is not you with him, you whore" Lucretia whispered in her ear "With the sick and perverted relationship you have with my brother"

They didn't have a relationship at all. It had been mistake kisses when she was a teenage fool, wanting to just kiss someone. And now that stupid game they had to prove who had the last word and keep score of who was winning.

Walburga didn't even like him. Orion was one of her biggest regrets.

She wasn't going to feel guilty. Not even when she saw how Uncle Artucus was furiously yelling at his son.

"You insist with humiliating me!" she heard her uncle saying as she hid behind a pillar "With a random waitress! At your sister's wedding?"

"I'm still young, father. I can still have fun"

"This is not Boston anymore, son! You have to do things right!" And he was being aggressive "You're such a disgrace! Expelled from University and now involved with random whores that don't have anything at all!"

Walburga was surprised. She didn't know Orion had been expelled from that prestigious University he had been sent to.

"I wonder what your Uncle Pollux would say" Artucus continued "That I cannot control my own son!"

"What do you care what Uncle Pollux thinks?" Orion shrugged "Both Cygnus and Alphard are disappointing him anyway" he grinned at the last part.

Pollux had been furious lately because Cygnus only had his three daughters and had become a fool for them according to him. And Alphard. His bachelor life was driving mother crazy. He simply didn't want to get married and give them heirs.

"This is our chance!" Artucus continued "There was a reason why I sent you with your Uncle. You need to become his confident. You need to make him trust you and be a better prospect than his own children. You need to become the Heir! You are not doing that by turning into a mess"

Walburga knew the competition that existed in her family. Her brothers were constantly put on the game to see who fitted better as the Heir of the Black Empire. Cygnus had been the chosen one by far. Until he married Druella and they began having only girls.

The Black Family didn't favour women.

Walburga was obviously out of the picture. Girls weren't supposed to be heirs. Only marry someone decent and be a proper wife.

Orion lost patience.

"What if I don't care? What if I don't want that for myself?"

"Shut up, you insolent twat!"

"You only want me to be The Heir because you couldn't be it! Pollux has always been better than you, right? You are so bitter because you don't have what Uncle Pollux has. You are not him and you want it so badly, ha? You're a bloody failure, father"

BAM! Walburga had to cover her mouth not to gasp. Artucus had hit his son so hard he was now on the floor.

She was used to it. She had seen her own father hitting Cygnus or Alphard many times. But it still brought a bad sensation to her.

Orion was humiliated on the floor, touching his bloody nose.

"You have no right to speak to me like that" Artucus spat near the boy "A failure, you called me? Look at yourself... You had your chance, Orion. Now you have to do as I say!" he kneeled in front of him "You're marrying the girl we picked out for you and you'll work with your Uncle. Become his shadow and second hand so he will consider you in the future. Do you understand?"

Orion didn't seem happy with that decision. Walburga knew him. He met the dull catholic princess that would be his wife just yesterday. And now he was proving to the family or himself that he could do better than that. Kissing random but hot waitresses.

Orion had no more remedy than to nod. Walburga was the same. Her whole life had been planned by her parents. She had to live  in Paris with her Auntie Cassiopeia and let her teach her how to be a proper wife for a rich man. Pure, quiet and boring.

Maybe Orion was one of the few people that understood what it felt like to be trapped. The pressure of being a Black and participate in the game of who has the Company and the power.

"Are you alright?"

And that sympathy was what made her approach and ask him as soon as Artucus was gone. They were alone in the empty room of the castle. Distant noises of the guests and the party in the distance.

Orion rose to his fleet and wiped away the remaining blood from his nose.

"It was you, wasn't it?" he asked "You told them about me and Cynthia?"

God, he knew her name already? Disgusting.

"What is it, Wally? Jealous much?"

Walburga scoffed. She enjoyed putting this wanker in his place all the time. Never give in. Because that was what made her special. She could be desired all she wanted. But Orion could never have her. He was a horny twat. And also her second cousin.

"I would never get jealous of your conquests" she snapped "Worse of someone so ordinary"

The truth was that seeing the intense way in which he was kissing and touching that Cynthia bird, brought Walburga the desire to be kissed and touched like that. Not by Orion precisely. Just someone. And perhaps she craved his attention only on her.

"If you want that from me I have no problem of complying, Wally. You know how much I want you. Just don't fuck up my life for a stupid jealous attack. You're not a kid anymore"

Always that seductive smile. He was handsome. And Walburga understood why he was lucky with girls. But she wasn't a fool.

"You got expelled out of Uni?"

Walburga asked as Orion was walking away. He stopped on his track.

"How pathetic is that?" Wally continued. Venom in her voice "You wasted your opportunity to build a life out there. Away from here. Away from them"

If Walburga had the chances her brothers had or Orion had for being male.

Orion turned to face her.

"I thought you were more intelligent than this, Orion" she added "And now you're willing to become father's lapdog to beg him for a piece of the company? You make me sick!"

Walburga didn't have time to be content with her comment. Because Orion had already pushed her to the nearest wall. She was out of breath for a second.

"What the fuck do you want from me, Walburga?" Orion asked. Wally swallowed "Aren't you sick and tired of playing this game?"

"What game?" She asked. But her voice sounded kind of pathetic.

"You seduce me all the time by nagging me, teasing me and then rejecting me" Orion explained "It is obvious I adore you, Wally" he added looking at her mouth "And you love to have me crazy for you. But it is time to admit you're crazy for me too"

Walburga ignored how her heart was beating fast. She laughed.

"Fuck off!" she pushed him away "You are fucking insane. Whatever you think is happening between us is impossible! We're cousins"

"Second cousins" Orion clarified leaning closer.

Walburga looked alway. She pushed him harder.

"You sick perverted bastard!" she yelled "Do you think I am the same naive girl I once was? You cannot manipulate me into kissing you! Not ever again!!"

Orion rolled his eyes.

"I was better off with you away at Boston and I am tired of having you around again all the time!" Wally spat "I can't wait to move in with Auntie Cassiopeia and don't see your stupid face! Whoever ends up marrying you, God, I feel sorry for her!"

After she was done, Orion grinned.

"I love it when you talk dirty, Wally"

Before Walburga could open her mouth again, Orion was kissing her.

She protested at first, guilty of what she was doing again. But then she gave in.

Maybe it was because she was needed and she hadn't kissed a bloke in a long time. Maybe it was because she felt lonely. Or maybe because no one had ever wanted her like this. Walburga gave into the kiss. And damn, she was actually enjoying it.

Walburga was confused about this. This wasn't love, like the one she had felt for Alex. It couldn't be. This was need. Walburga and Orion shared a bond no one else had. They were both victims of their circumstances and their family.

In that moment, Walburga felt connected with him. And fuck, it felt good to want and be wanted. It felt good to go against her family like this.

Walburga didn't think about the consequences, about how they were second cousins and the family was out there, how they were playing a dangerous game. She didn't think that their lives would change forever after this. And that she would regret this decision for the rest of her life.

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Sirius woke up in tears. His heart beating fast. Then he took a peek into Remus's bed and saw he was peacefully asleep. He was okay.

He had seen him die in his dream. More like a nightmare.

Going to Alphard's funeral brought consequences to Sirius's mind.

In the dream, his family found Sirius kissing Remus in one of the rooms of the house. It was supposed to be a masquerade but their masks were gone.

"I prefer him dead than a freaking faggot" his Grandfather said with that frivolous tone. Same thing he had said at Alphard's funeral.

He even paid some actresses to roll around the room pretending to be Alphard's ex lovers so that the truth was omitted and the rumours stayed at bay.

In the dream, his grandfather gave Orion the gun. He was grinning and giggling like had been at the funeral. Always with that mockery mode around Alphard.

Sirius had heard him whisper into Walburga's ear: "One less for the competition. Lucky for us your pancy brother took the worse decisions"

To what Walburga responded with a quick slap and: "You're drunk".

In the dream, Orion was Pollux's lapdog and he approached Sirius and Remus with a gun. Sirius was about to place himself in front of Remus when he felt a pair of arms dragging him.

"Noo!" It was Kreacher holding his arms. The man was too strong for Sirius to get free.

He cried.

And he saw how Orion, with a grin, pointed the gun at Remus.

"Noooooo!!" Sirius tried to set himself free but Kreacher seemed made out of stone.

Remus closed his eyes before the trigger was pulled. The bullet hit his chest and Remus dropped to the floor.

Sirius was too much in shock to scream. Silent tears fell down his cheeks. Orion laughed as he gave back the gun to Pollux. They both looked at Sirius with triumph. But his pain was not properly registered when a bright light blinded them.

Sirius saw a light took the form of his Uncle. He was translucent with wings on his back. Alphard. He took a glance down where Remus was, and Sirius saw he was the same. When Alphard helped him on his feet, Sirius saw they were both angels.

And they weren't happy. They were judging Sirius. Blaming him for their deaths.

Orion and Pollux began laughing.

"Do you want to end up like them, Sirius?" Pollux spoke up with that potent voice that made Sirius jump all the time.

"If you are not my Heir, you are better off dead"

And with that Sirius saw the gun be pointed at him. The sound of the shotgun ended the dream.

Those kind of dreams were what Reggie's therapist called night horrors. They left Sirius covered in cold sweat. And shaking from fear. Even if the night was peaceful around him and his friends were asleep.

Sirius got out of bed and walked to Remus's bed. Kissing Remus in secret was one of the best things that had happened to him. But also the worst. Because it brought confusion, stress and fear.

Sirius didn't know if he was gay or what, only that he liked Remus. He liked him more than anyone.

And Sirius acted like he was tough and different from his family. But he was nothing but a scared little boy. He was scared of his Grandfather, of his father, even his mother. They were awful people that would do anything to get what they wanted. Sirius was most scared of being just like them.

Remus didn't deserve this. He looked too peaceful in his sleep. Unaware of Sirius's messy thoughts.

Sirius figured that he would have to stay away from Remus. To protect him.

Sirius's sudden sobs woke Remus up. Sirius cursed under his breath and wiped his tears quickly.

"Sirius?" he asked "Are you okay?"

Sirius sniffed turned into a smile.

"Amm yeah" he said "I needed to stay away from Prongs's dirty clothes" another sniff "They give me allergies"

Remus looked like he didn't believe him.

"Prongs's dirty clothes would keep anyone away"

Sirius snorted.

"Want to lay down here with me?"

Sirius wanted it so badly. But he shouldn't. He hesitated.

"I'm not sleepy. I just had a nightmare"

A terrible one.

Remus looked at him "Want to talk about it?"

Sirius shook his head.

Sirius had a plan. He was going to push Remus away. Pop up his bubble. If he had to act like a dick, so be it. If he had to break his heart, so be it. Remus needed to forget about him and focus on someone else.

They could be friends if Remus let him. And Sirius would crave for him in silence. Or maybe it was better to stay away. Sirius was too much of a mess right now.

"You're doing the same thing that your father did with the Lupin's years ago" a voice said inside his brain "Getting rid of the problem"

"I am doing it to protect him" Sirius answered himself.

"You don't even ask him what he wants"

"He can't possibly want me. I am a mess. I'm only going to hurt him"

"That's very Black of you. Maybe you are meant to be the heir"

"Shut up!"

"Sirius?" Remus asked with a smile making him get out of his thoughts.

Sirius's eyes threatened to fill with tears.

"Can you hug me?" Sirius asked with a small voice that surprised him.

Remus softened, pushed away the covers and opened his arms for him. Sirius hid his face on Remus's shoulder quickly. To hide how he was practically crying.

"It was just a nightmare, you know?" Remus said as he caressed Sirius's hair "It was not real and won't be real"

Maybe it would become real knowing his family. Remus didn't know what The Blacks were capable of. They might've tossed Andromeda and Alphard away because they were useless. But Sirius was the heir. And they were going to make sure he would fulfill his destiny.

Remus was just an obstacle on that destiny. Sirius knew Remus was better off without him.

"Yeah right"

But right now, Sirius needed Remus. So he squeezed tigher and buried himself in his chest and got envolved by his warmth.

Just a little bit longer.

Chapter Text

Sirius would always remember the one time Walburga acted like a real mother.

He was about seven and had found many things in the Grimmauld Place's attic. Sirius and Regulus loved to explore the room and come up with the wicked past of their family. One of the things the boys found was a record player.

"Adults used to listen to music in these things" Sirius told his brother excitedly. "I know this is Uncle Alphard's!"

It was obvious because he was the only one in the family who had good taste. For what Sirius had heard. The albums were unfamiliar to Sirius but the covers looked cool.

Everything about Alphard was cool. Sirius wanted to be just like him when he grew up.

"Is there any piano?"

Sirius looked at his younger brother. He always had to ruin the fun.

"So boring, Reggie. Piano? Puaj!"

Sirius didn't understand why his brother was obsessed with playing that thing. It was boring.

Regulus's eyes filled with tears. Oh no. The snitch was going to cry and tell their mother about it. And she was going to be furious. The attic was forbidden for them.

"Fine! We'll see what is in there. Maybe there's some piano"

That calmed Regulus. But later on, when they had discovered how to use the thing inside Sirius's room, and they tried the albums, none of them were of Regulus's liking.

In fact Sirius's brother left after a while claiming that he didn't let him play with their discovery.

No, Sirius was obsessed with it.

He liked every single song he was playing. Some of them were sad, others more upbeat, others gave him shivers. Just like when he was out of the pool after his swimming lesson. Although this time it was nicer.

He moved his head according to the rhythm. And he liked watching the people in the covers. The way they dressed, they posed and they smiled was really cool.

There was a particular group he was enjoying. Red Hot Chili Peppers. Even the name was cool. It was some sort of rock. There was a song he liked the best: Under The Bridge. The lyrics were about loneliness. Something that Sirius felt a lot inside that house. His only friend was Regulus. He was homeschooled until he got to Hogwarts when he was eleven. So he didn't have any friends his age. And his parents, sometimes they didn't even care about him. Only when Grandfather and his Uncles came and they had to make sure Sirus and Regulus behaved.

It might've been a weird feeling for a boy his age. But he wanted to leave one day.

The song lyrics not only made sense, but the rhythm was rather engaging.

Sirius was absorved in the music so much that he didn't notice her come inside. His mother.

Suddenly Warburga was standing next to him with a very weird look in her face. She seemed sad or concentrated. Sirius couldn't tell.

But the boy panicked because he was sure his mother would scold him. She didn't like that Sirius and Regulus sneaked in the attic especially she didn't like that they touched the things in there.

Sirius prepared himself for the yelling. Although Walburga seemed to be in a trance.

"I really like this song" she said with a smile "It is one of my favourites from The Peppers"

Sirius didn't know to be relieved that his mother wasn't angry or scared because she usually didn't act like this.

"I don't ever wanna feel. Like I did that day..."

Sirius even blinked in surprise when his mother sang.

"But take me to the place I love. Take me all the way..."

"Come and dance with me, Sirius" she said gesturing him to stand up.

Sirius tended to protest when Walburga ordered something. But right now, Sirius was too much in shock to contradict her. He rised to his feet. Walburga grabbed his hands and they began swaying.

Sirius observed how his mother enjoyed the music, closing her eyes and singing to the lyrics under her breath. Sirius started assimilating that this was actually happening by the end of the song. When a soft small smile appeared on his lips. He didn't know if it was amusement or he found this situation ridiculous.

When the song was over Walburga exclaimed "You know what was my must-dance song?" she walked over to Sirius's bed and searched through the records. Sirius just watched. "Oh, here it is!"

Walburga played another album and another song began playing. Sirius recognized a nice guitar. Walburga returned to her place to dance with him.

This time she sang louder and more condifently.

"And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take deep breath
And I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs"

True to the lyrics she did scream the last part.

"What's going on?"

At this point, Sirius, as a kid, was already enterteined and he forgot how weird this was for his strict mother. He decided to enjoyed it. So they danced to the music, and they jumped and they sang (Sirius did the little parts he learned in that moment), and they laughed.

Even Regulus joined them after a while. Curious of what was going on. The little boy seemed confused. But Walburga grabbed his arm happily and dragged them to join them. Regulus did whatever his mummy told him easily anyway.

And even if Sirius was jealous of Regulus joining them, because this had been HIS moment with his mother. He decided to stop pouting and have fun with the rest of the music. Just like Walburga was doing.

They were minutes of pure glory the ones the three of them had. Giggles and laughter mixed with the nice melody of the music. And Sirius didn't understand what was going on, like the song said, but he didn't want it to end. He was having fun.

It was until his own father interrupted them.

"What the freaking hell is going on here?" Orion said leaning on the door frame.

Maybe it was the first time his parents were in his room at the same time.

Walburga's smile immediately disappeared from her face. She recomposed herself.

The boys got immediately scared. Because Orion was scary when he got angry. He didn't seem angry now. But Walburga's change of attitude made her sons be alert.

"The boys found this old recold player in the attic" Walburga explained. "Funny, isn't it?"

Orion snorted "Haven't seen one of those in ages"

Walburga was nervously turning the player off and arranging the albums.

"Feeling alright, honey?"

"Fantastic"

"Too early to enjoy drinks that are suppossed to be for other occassions, isn't it?"

Sirius noticed the glare war between his parents. But he didn't understand what they were saying. Regulus was just hugging himself looking at their father with fear. Reggie was his laughing matter when the man was upset.

"That's not of your business" Walburga grabbed the records between her arms "I'm so over this dumb music. I think I will get rid of it"

That's when Sirius reacted.

"NO!" he yelled, making his little brother flinch "You can't throw them away! I found them. They are Uncle Alphard's!"

Walburga fumed him with her eyes.

"No, sweetheart" she spat "These are mine. Were mine when I was younger and now I can do whatever you want with them!"

No! This couldn't be. Walburga wasn't the one with good music taste, Walburga wasn't cool. Alphard was. Although it was true that she knew the lyrics and where to look for the songs.

Sirius was dissapointed. The mystery of the albums and record player was solved. And Sirius didn't like the answer.

"But I want them" Sirius whispered now. However he wasn't sure anymore. He didn't like the idea of sharing music with his mother.

Walburga shrugged "Gonna burn them one by onee!" she chanted like a little girl.

Her husband approached to her carefully.

"Darling, I think it is time to get you to the kitchen and sober you up..."

"Fuck off!" Walburga pushed him away dropping the records to the floor with a loud sound. Regulus was silently crying by this point. He was weak. "I am so tired of you controlling my fucking life!"

Orion's jaw tensed. He grabbed her arm "You are making a scene in front of the children"

Walburga seemed taken aback for a second, then she shrugged. And proceeded to collect the records from the floor.

"I'm gonna throw this on the fire" Walburga said smirking evily at Sirius.

As Walburga walked through the door, Sirius realized how furious he was. She only wanted to get rid of the records because Sirius had liked them. Because she hated him. His mother hated him.

"You're crazy!" he yelled again "You dance one second and the other you act like a total bitch!" Word he had heard his cousins whisper lately. It was a bad word.

It got him a painful slap on the cheek from his father.

"Don't you dare treat you mother like that, you insulent boy!"

Orion walked out of the door, after Walburga not before yelling to Regulus: "Get out of my way!"

Just like that, the perfect moment was ruined again. Everything was back to the awful normalcy of the Black Family.

Sirius was so furious that he yelled at Regulus as well.

"Why are you crying? Those records were mine! Now everything is ruined!!"

He pushed his little brother out of his room and broke down crying.

Sirius couldn't believe that even years later that band and that song was ruined for him. He told Remus to chance it because it reminded him of Walburga, and he hated that.

It was a reminded that the only nice moment between them was because she was drunk. Not because she actually loved him.

"But why? This is a nice song. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers"

"I told you to change it, didn't I?" Sirius snapped aggressively "I don't like it"

Remus was taken aback but he obeyed and changed the song. Sirius was grateful he didn't ask more.

Walburga even ruined the nice moments with his friends. Even if she wasn't around. 

Chapter Text

Remus was numb. All he knew was that he wanted to cry but couldn't. There were a million thoughts inside his brain and all led to a single one: Fen was right, it was all his fault.

Grant was hurt because of him, Sirius was hurt because of him. All the boys hated him. And of course they did. Remus had believed the fantasy that he belonged to Sirius’s world. He had enjoyed the fantasy of being a normal teenager in a posh school with dumb problems like passing exams, doing mischief without being caught, partying behind teachers' backs and getting his crush's attention.

Remus was an idiot. Fen and the boys had been suffering worse things and Remus didn't do anything about it. He didn't even call. He didn't tell Sirius and the others about them, embarrassed of his past life. They used to be his family once. The howlers of the moon.

"I found a first aid kit in the kitchen" Sirius said, taking a seat next to Remus with desperation.

Sirius...

Sirius had seen everything now. He had heard Fen complaining about their lives full of drugs, violence and death. Remus was ashamed of how Fen had hurt him and threatened him.

"Ye've replaced Granty wiff this posh pretty princess, eh?" Fen had teased "How diddit feel to suck his delicate rich cock?"

"Let me fix your wounds, Moony" Sirius added, grabbing Remus's chin and making him face him.

Sirius had been a little rich prince all his life and he didn't know what it was actually like. This flat, Alphard's, was clean and nice, with fancy things all around. Big enough to fit all of the gang. Nothing like Fen's rotten tiny apartment.

Thinking about this made Remus kind of angry with Sirius. He had gone to Hogwarts because of him in the first place.

And the alcohol stang against his skin. Which made his bad temper worse.

He pushed Sirius away.

"God dammit, Sirius! Just fuck off! I can do it on my own" and he ripped the cotton from Sirius’s hand.

Sirius looked down, like a sad puppy and Remus felt guilty. He had come all the way to London to help him find Grant. He had been so brave against Fen, which had been sexy. And he had offered his dead Uncle's apartment to hide and spend the night.

Sirius was so beautiful it hurt. He had just a cut on his down lip and yet he shined like a hero after battle. Remus loved him. He was so in love with this boy.

"I'm sorry, Pads" he whispered, ashamed "I'm just nervous"

Sirius looked up and showed him a tiny smile.

Remus touched his lip.

"You're hurt"

"It's nothing"

Remus ignored him and used the same piece of cotton to clean Sirius’s wound.

"You look worse" Sirius managed to say between hushes and whispers of 'stay still'.

Remus had not acknowledged the list of his wounds. Certain parts ached, others stang, Remus didn't know.

He knew Fen had cut his cheek with a knife. And punched him twice. And his right arm hurt for how Tommy had been twisting it.

Remus didn't want to see himself in the mirror. He had acquired a scar on his face over the summer. He probably would have more.

Now Sirius’s gaze was intense and open, probably thinking how shitty Remus looked.

"Moon..."

"You should go to sleep" Remus said before Sirius could speak "You must be tired"

Remus didn't want Sirius to ask things or tell him how worried he was.

"You should use the other bed"

Grant was occupying the main one. Grant was the worse of them. Fen said he had betrayed him by hiding Remus in his posh school.

"I'll stay here in the couch"

Sirius shook her head.

"I want to stay with you"

Remus's heart jumped in his chest without permission. They agreed to stop the snogging nonesense and be just friends. Remus was being patient and got back to pinning for Sirius while he figured shit out.

All of this had made Remus's feeling stronger, though. It wasn't healthy to love someone this much.

Remus had to focus on taking care of Grant now. Not heart matters. Not Sirius looking so gorgeous right now.

"Share the bed with me" Sirius begged.

Remus just wanted to cry in peace. He shook his head.

"Moony... I don't want to leave you alone..."

"Just go to bed, Padfoot" Remus swallowed, because Sirius was getting closer and the sweet smell of his sweat was making Remus shiver.

"Please..."

"I said go!"

Now Remus pushed him away. It hadn't been violent. Just the mere touch of his palm on Sirius's ribs, made him flinch and frown in pain.

Then he remembered how the boys had kicked Sirius's ribs for protesting.

"Let me see" Remus whispered.

Sirius closed his eyes "It was nothing"

"Let me fucking see"

Sirius took a deep breath and lifted his shirt. That chest, those abs had made Remus rise in temperature and stare mesmerized in another situation. Not now. Sirius was covered in bruises all around his ribs.

Remus was out of breath for a second. This was all his fault.

"Fuck" he murmured as the tip of his fingers tried to reach, but only the mere touch made Sirius clench his teeth in pain.

"It's alright, Moony" Sirius said with a calm voice "It's nothing"

This was everything. Maybe Fen had been in his right to hurt Remus. But not Sirius. Not his Sirius.

"This is all my fault" Remus covered his face, because he knew the tears were definitely coming now.

Sirius touched his shoulder.

"That's not true, Remus"

"Oh my God, you're hurt. You're hurt because of me" And Remus's voice broke.

"Moony..."

That was the key point to make Remus break down crying.

"I shoud've done something" he told himself "I should have helped them, send them money, something! I didn't even call, and Grant, he didn't tell me anything... They were suffering without me and I didn't do anything"

"Remus..."

Sirius's mouth was close to Remus's ear now, trying to give him comfort.

"And I was there, pretending to be a posh wanker like you"

Remus was rubbing his face and his hair. If Sirius was angry about the comment, he didn't show it.

"Those arseholes don't desrve your pity"

Remus looked at Sirius through tears. He is thinking you are a fool, an idiot that followed delinquents out of nowhere, he thought.

"They were not always like that" he clarified, wiping away his tears "I know that you're thinking they are bad people, but they were there for me when I most needed them... When my mum died..."

Remus saw Sirius closing his eyes in guilt.

"When I needed people to accept who I was, to accept me as a boy because my dad thought I was bonkers..."

Sirius's eyes filled with tears.

"You don't understand it, Sirius!" Remus snapped "I am a bad person as well..." he sniffed "I sold drugs and stole things like them..." he shook his head "Not because I needed it, not because I had nothing like them, but because I craved so much to feel I belonged"

"Oh Moons..." he said under his breath.

Sirius had his arm around him, and he was hiding his face on Remus's neck. But Remus tried to ignore that.

"And they were the first people who accepted me as myself, as Remus" he continued with a soft sob "They were my family for a long time"

"We are your family now" Sirius whispered.

Remus thought about his friends at Hogwarts. They had truly included him and accept him. But they didn't know the whole truth. They didn't know his ugly parts.

"I am your family now" Sirius carried on, now facing him and showing Remus that he also had tears in his eyes.

Sirius cupped Remus's face and God he was so beautiful like that. Eyes glistening from the tears and his lips wet and half parted, messy hair because he ran his fingers through it when he was nervous or stressed.

"Moony, you were suppossed to grow up with me" Sirius cried "I was your best friend first. We were suppossed to go to Hogwarts together and I was suppossed to be there for your transition and your mother's death"

Sirus cursed under his breath.

"Fuck my stupid parents for keeping me away from you" he announced "Fuck me for not doing more to find you"

It was true that after Sirius, Remus's life had gone downhill. He missed him like hell but believed that Sirius was better off with his new friends at Hogwarts. So he sulked miserably and alone, enduring bullying and discrimination. Until Grant showed him this life.

"Sirius" Remus said, now calming down "You were just a kid. We both were"

Sirius was shaking his head.

"I feel like shit for not being there for you"

Sirius's guilt and sorrow made Remus feel worse. Because how dare he blame himself for any of this? Sirius was precious. Sirius was amazing. Sirius was wonderful. And this time had been amazing next to each other again. Messy, with complicated feelings and kisses and desires but beautiful anyway.

Remus couldn't see the boy he loved hurt because of him. So he cried more.

"Moony, we are your family now" Sirius added, stroking his cheek "Me, The Marauders, even the girls. We all love you... I... I love you"

Those words made Remus break, because even if he didn't know what they meant and how did Sirius love him, they made Remus be vulnerable. Because he was glad to be part of Sirius's life. Part of such a cool gang such as The Marauders and have real friends. Even if Sirius didn't feel the same and just loved him as a friend, it would be enough.

"We would never blame you for thinking about yourself because you deserve everything, do you hear me? You deserved better than that life and you did nothing wrong at finding your own happiness"

Remus let out a few sobs. Sirius pulled him closer. They were almost touching foreheads.

"Oh my Moony, please don't cry... Please" Sirius begged "I can't stand to see you like this..." he carressed his cheek "My beautiful Moony..."

Remus stopped crying because suddenly Sirius was so close, he could feel his breath agaist his lips. Remus's body shivered with desire. He knew what would make him stop hurting. The only thing that he needed at the moment.

Remus kissed Sirius kind of aggresively at first. Like a man wanting to relief pain with a delicious drug. And when Sirius kissed him back, wrapping his arms around Remus's neck, Remus lost track of time. He forgot about everything for a moment and all that crossed his mind was Sirius.

His lips, his tongue, his neck, his collarbone, his hair, his gray eyes.

Sirius, Sirius and Sirius...

No one would ever make him feel like this. No one could lift him up so high after being so down.

The force in which Sirius was kissing him pushed Remus back on the couch with his friend on top of him.

Yeah, right! They were just friends, weren't they?

That was what good friends did. They snogged until they could calm down forget about their problems and fall asleep into each other's arms.

Chapter Text

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Lily had planned it all. She had revised in her mind what she was going to tell him. She was going to apologize, said that she had been drunk and happy for her sister. She was going to tell him not to think much about the kiss from last night.

"Don't get your hopes up, Potter" she mumbled to herself, as practice "We have a lot to figure out yet"

Inviting James Potter to Petunia's wedding had been a colosal mistake. It all began with a dream.

Lily and James were growing closer to each other. Friendly, but not exactly friends. The boy was growing out of the immature wanker he used to be. So Lily had a weird romantic dream about him.

It was Mary who filled her head up saying the dream meant something. That Lily must've fancied him because of it.

Stupid to drag him over Petunia's wedding with the excuse that she didn't have anyone else to go with and she didn't want to be alone. Stupid to let her family and Vernon's stupid sister believe James was her boyfriend without denying. Stupid to dance with him, laugh with him and drink with him. Stupid to let her mum fill her head up saying he was a nice boy. Stupid to share dessert and laugh at his silly jokes. Stupid to let him put his jacket over her shoulders and whisper all the time how she was beautiful.

Even more stupid to kiss him in the lips goodnight when he was leaving. Stupid to ran into the house after it. Like a hysterical little girl.

Maybe it was a mixture of a lot of things that made Lily think it was a good idea. She had drunk alcohol, yes. But Lily was drunk with the idea of romance. And Potter just happened to be there.

That was it.

Lily couldn't have something with James Potter. She couldn't.

The girl found James Potter himself looking rather relaxed and happy at the station that morning. Lily had thought he had been handsome with his suit last night. Seeing him with his Gryffindor jersey and jeans reminded her that he was not the prince charming she was looking for. But the annoying boy she used to hate.

This was James Potter for God's sake. Evil encarnated. The human form of arrogance. The bloke who used to ask her out just to annoy her.

Lily was embarrassed when she approached. Her cheeks went on fire when he smiled at her.

Lily could do this. She had convinced herself on what to do.

"Hey"

"Hey, Evans" he grinned.

James was getting closer with clear intentions. Lily stopped him.

"No... No... No... Wait"

"What?" James asked playfully.

"Ok, Potter" she took a deep breath "You know about last night?"

James was smiling amused.

"I think I drank a lot of wine honestly, and the sentiment was there... Because my sister was getting married, you know? My bloody sister, my only sister..." James kept smirking so Lily continued "I mean we don't get along that much but last night we did and she seemed happy..." Lily was talking fast "Well, she was in a good mood and I was too, and you were there" a nervous laugh "Potter...I didn't want to..." Shit, what was she saying? "I don't know what you're thinking...."

But Lily forgot about everything when they boy grabbed her face between his hands and kissed her.

Seconds Lily's mind yelled she shouldn't be kissing him again. That she should be talking and explaining. Although soon enough she was melting into the kiss and her mind was blank. Well, one thought ran through it: Kissing James Potter felt so good.

Last night Lily didn't let James explore more before running away. Now, she opened her mouth for him and put her arms around his neck. She let herself go.

It lasted longer this time. Lily literally felt like the world was spinning around them, sparks were flying and epic music was playing in the background.

God, her chest was burning. What was this crazy feeling?

Lily pushed James away when she realized what she was doing.

"What are you doing?" she carefully looked around. "I was trying to talk!"

There were a few people around. Nobody they knew. Nobody from Hogwarts just a train passengers getting places on a normal April Sunday.

"This is your fault, Evans" James said "You left me speechless last night and all I could think about was how I wanted to kiss you again"

Lily almost smiled but contained himself.

"Oh you are a lot, Potter, truly" she spat, crossing her arms "Just because I gave you one kiss when I was drunk doesn't give you the right to..."

Out of nowhere James was kissing her again. The funnny part was that she was letting him. She melted like chocolate in a sunny day when his lips touched hers like that.

Lily pushed him away.

"You are a bold wanker"

"Yes, yes, yes" James sighed "Whatever you say as long as you let me kiss you"

Lily didn't know what to say, so James took it as green light to keep going.

Lily smiled through the kiss this time.

"Wanker" she whispered between them.

"Aha" a kiss "Aham" and another and another.

It was then that the train ride back to Hogwarts was only the two of them inside a compartment, snogging the hell out of each other. Never in a million years, Lily had kissed a boy like this. She had never felt she couldn't get enough. She hadn't felt goosebumps all over her body. She had never felt like she was flying.

Lily was embarrassed of how instinctive she was being. She was pulling him closer and running her fingers through his messy hair over and over again.

She hadn't done something like that with anyone, but Lily was learning fast.

The snogged a lot. But they also paused to talk a little. And James made Lily giggle and blush because he was saying corny things like how beautiful she was.

"Especially last night when I saw you in that dress" he whispered as he caressed her cheek sweetly "Woow, it drove me crazy"

Lily smiled embarrassed.

So they talked about Petunia and Lily's complicated relationship with her.

"Last night she seemed happy, in a good mood that I haven't seen in years" Lily talked between James's arms "Maybe I don't like Vernon, but if he makes my sister that happy, he had to be worth of something, right?" she sighed "It's kind of lovely she found the love of her life"

"You know what they say" James said against her hair "When love is in the air, it tends to be contagious"

That comment made Lily blush and jump inside her chest. Love? Maybe it was too soon to talk about it.

There was some more snogging during the rest of the trip. The magic of romance seemed to be surrounding Hogsmeade station. They decided to walk back to the castle, instead of taking the bus.

Lily was mesmerised by the whole situation. It felt like a dream. Dawn painted wonderful pink and orange colours in the sky. It was a beautiful afternoon. Lily was falling in love with the Hogwarts view: the castle, the lake, the forest.

Plus, she was grabbing James's hand. Fingers interlocking and everything. It was the first time she did that with someone and it felt amazing.

Maybe Lily was falling in love with something more than the view.

"So, what happens now?" Lily asked embarrassed as they were a few steps away from the main entrance.

"Evans, I want to take you out on a date" James said without hesitation.

Lily hadn't expected that. James Potter was being romantic.And he was still holding her hand.

James faced her and used the same hand to put a lock oh Lily's hair behind her ear.

"I don't know..." he bit his lip "You've said no so many times that I don't know what to expect"

"It's because you were doing it to take a piss..."

Lily realised she was acting defensively. So she stopped.

"Sorry..." she added "Well, after all that snogging, don't you dare to try again?"

Lily was mainly teasing. But James kept the same serious expression.

"After the snogging," he began "I'm really scared of you saying no and missing those kisses..." he shook his head slowly "After tasting your lips, I don't want to taste anyone else's"

Wow, this was new. James Potter had flirted with her plenty of times. It had always been with that mocking tone. When Lily said no or told him to fuck off, James pretended to be hurt but in a dramatic way.

Right now, he sounded genuine. It was different the way he was speaking now. His words made Lily's heart jump inside her chest.

"Well,..." she said, feeling her cheeks on fire "Why don't you try again?"

"Would you give me a chance?"

"Ask me first"

James smiled slightly. But then he got all serious and cleared his throat.

"Lily Evans..."

"Yes, James Potter?" Lily teased.

His smile grew wider and Lily suddenly realized it was kind of hot.

"Would you go on a date with me?"

"Let me think about it" Lily tapped her chin, James chuckled "I don't know... I will have to sleep on it"

This what was made her relationship with Potter different than with other boys. Their dynamic could've fluctuated between hate, friendship and something else. But it was natural. None of it seemed forced.

She liked it, and it made her feel something special for him.

Lily began walking inside the castle when she felt that James grabbed her wrist. He pulled her closer or rather she let him do it easily. And bum! They were kissing again.

"Do you need some more convincing?" James asked between kisses.

That Lily laugh.

"You're an idiot" she said with a smile.

Lily grabbed his hand again. They started walking to the castle again.

"A date would be nice"

James beamed.

"Next weekend?"

"Ok" Lily blushed.

In fact, Lily was excited about it. This was the boy she had loathed for years. But somehow everything felt different now. And heck, she really liked kissing him. Maybe this could be the start of something new.

Little did they know they were being observed by a pair of eyes from the distance. Eyes that belonged to someone that would do anything to ruin them and see them apart. Severus Snape was shaking in fury as he watched them go inside. 

Chapter Text

Remus woke up with a gentle touch. Warm fingertips were tracing his skin, sending shivers down his spine. It felt incredibly good.

Remus was comfortable and pleased as well. He was well rested. Soft blankets covered him, there was a nice smell in the air. And he could feel the warm sun on his face.

The fingertips finished caressing his cheek and hair, then went from the end of neck all the way down his back to his butt cheeks. A good spank woke him from his trance in which he was definitely falling asleep again.

Remus smiled. He remembered who was responsible for the touch. And no, this time it was not a dream.

"What are you doing? I'm trying to sleep" he mumbled, still with his eyes closed.

"Stop looking this good then"

God, wasn't this the most sexy hoarse voice he had ever heard? Remus opened his eyes to find an even sexier face, staring back at him.

It wasn't a dream.

Remus could be easily confused. Because how many times he had dreamed with something like this. But what told Remus that this was real, was the fact that not even the most detailed and imaginative dreams, could compete with Sirius Black's real beauty.

Sirius was a mess. He was naked and sweaty. His hair was wild with locks of hair going everywhere. His cheeks slightly red because he was warm and vulnerable.

Remus had seen him in his best. All clean, combed and well dressed. With his determined expression and his cheeky smile. So gorgeous that many people around him had turned to look, had swooned and sighed. But Remus could trade that Sirius for this one any time.

This Sirius seemed more real.

"Good morning, I guess?"

"It's past noon" Sirius said. Remus shrugged. Then Sirius added: "Good morning, Moons"

It was as if Remus had begged and demanded with his mind. The kiss he wanted was given immediately. Those delicious lips.

Last night had been a big step for the pair of boys. Remus still couldn't believe it.

After being secretly in love with Sirius for years, being his best friend and pining for him, then secretly snogging him without knowing what Sirius felt or if this was just a game for him; Sirius had finally vomited his feelings for Remus.

"I love you! Of course I love you, I've always had" he had said. What happened next didn't give them space to talk about feelings. They focused on touching, kissing, and giving each other pleasure. Their mouths too busy to speak except for a few neccesary words or involuntary moans.

Apparently now, after they were done, well rested and satisfied, they still didn't have words. Sirius was still communicating through touches. Remus couldn't stop staring. As if Sirius would disappear anytime soon if he blinked too much.

"What are you thinking?" Remus asked, because Sirius's thoughts were loud.

"Amm..." Sirius's smile gave Remus nice goosebumps "That we stepped over the friendship line, didn't we?"

Remus almost laughed "I think we did that a long time ago, Pads"

Sirius anwered with a smile. But Remus could sense he was worried.

"Do you regret last night?"

"No!" Sirius stroke his cheek "Never!" he claimed "You?"

Remus shook his head.

"I know that was your first time"

Remus knew most people had awkward first times that they regretted. Sirius as well. Not Remus. Even with his dysphoria, his hatred for his body and the fact that he had to keep wearing his binder, the night was amazing. With Sirius it was amazing, even the awkward parts.

"It was a perfect first time"

That made Sirius beam and Remus was happy.

"So what happens now?"

The question both of them were scared to ask, but somebody had to do it. Because they had done the impossible to make this be casual and it didn't turn out okay. They weren't just friends. There were a lot of other feelings involved.

Sirius chuckled, kind of embarrassed. Remus was a little bit more in love.

All Remus had to do was to pop out the question.

Although Sirius spoke first just when Remus got the courage.

"I think I was doomed from the very first second I saw you"

Those words left Remus speechless.

"It took me a long time to realize it and admit to myself" Sirius added, licking his lips "But they were there. My feelings for you, all the time"

It was crazy to hear this since Remus had believed his feelings were unreciprocated. Lucky, he thought himself to even have the chance to kiss Sirius, or even being his friend.

Sirius touched Remus's hair carefully and the latter closed his eyes as a way to receive the pleasure it gave him.

"Moony," Sirius whispered. That nickname, spoken from Sirius's lips so many times in a playfull way, in a needy way. in a craving way like last night. Now it sounded like nice melody on Sirius's mouth "I do want to... I want be with you..." and how much it cost Sirius to say it so it was appreciated "I'm just scared"

Remus opened his eyes then. He wanted to do something to take that worried expression from the boy in front of him. Go back to when he was smiling before he closed his eyes.

"Scared of what?" It was Remus's turn to touch his face now "Of me?"

Sirius shook his head vehemently.

"Of course not" he answered "Of many things. Other things"

"What things?"

Remus had been angry for a long time with Sirius. Unfairly. Sirius had kept their thing hidden, he was a coward. Sirius just saw their kisses as fun and nothing else, he was a coward.

Remus was openly gay and queer. He had been rejected and discriminated to many times he was used to it. He didn't care anymore. Remus hadn't understand why Sirius wasn't the same. He called himself such a rebel, a rule breaker. Then why was it so difficult to just be with him?

Remus had been selfish.

"I keep hurting you, Remus" Sirius said with a sad tone "You don't deserve this"

Remus shook his head immediately.

"We've discussed this" he answered "You told me you didn't want a relationship and I commited to that"

"I could hurt you again" Sirius added "I'm impulsive, and reckless"

"You have a good heart with lots of love to give"

"I could do something stupid one day and hurt you"

"Then don't" Remus said quickly "Simple as that, is that it?"

Sirius smiled at him. That smile that said "Wanker". But no. Remus wasn't going to let Sirius think he wasn't worthy for him. He was everything.

"I don't know if I fancy boys"

Remus ignored the voice inside of him that told him he wasn't a real boy anyway.

"What I mean is that I don't know if I only fancy boys" Sirius added quickly "I've liked girls genuinely. And I think I've liked boys..." he said going into his memory "I think I've had a crush on one of my Uncle's boyfriends"

That made Remus give him a relaxing smile.

"Really?"

Sirius shrugged trying to hide away how embarrassed he looked.

"I just know that I like you the most"

That was enough for Remus.

"But people are going to ask me if I am gay or bi or... I don't even know what more there is..."

Sirius was adorable.

"I don't think I am ready to be treated differently"

Remus was used to it. The stares, the comments, the slurs. Sirius was a star. The bad boy womanizer every girl wanted to be with.

"You don't have to figure out anything now" Remus explained "And I am going to teach you how to laugh of people's comments and stares"

Sirius seemed more relaxed with that.

"Do you want to be with me?" Remus asked.

Sirius smirked "Yeah"

Remus tried to hide his joy.

"Then people just have to accept that" he said "And accept you for who you are, whatever that is. Stay only with the cool people that don't ask stupid questions"

Sirius knew he could call his friends those cool people. Because they hadn't asked stupid questions when Marlene came out, when Remus came out.

Sirius took a deep breath and Remus knew he understood. He was lucky to have friends like those. The rest didn't actually matter.

"Do we have green light now?" Remus teased "Can I kiss you?"

What Remus wanted to ask was: "Can I ask you to be my boyfriend?". He wanted to ask the question. Make it official.

Sirius answered with a kiss. Remus thought their conversation was over. He wanted to ask him officially but Sirius's lips were a bit addicctive right now. Maybe later...

Although Sirius broke apart.

"What about them?" he asked, facing the ceiling.

"Who?"

"Them" Sirius snapped with a bad taste in his mouth "My...family"

Remus noticed it had been an effort to say that word. Because the meaning of family wasn't what The Blacks were.

"Moony," Sirius started "When Andromeda left with Ted, they tossed her away like some old furniture. When Alphard turned out to be gay they pretended he didn't even exist..." he explained "I wish they would free me like them. But I am the Heir" and that simple word carried power Remus felt "Since the day I was born I was raised for this. Everyone's eyes are on me. I'm Grandfather's successor"

Remus knew this. They all did. It was a fact nobody talked about. And they pretended Sirius was just a normal boy who would have a normal life after school. Go to Uni, get a job and live a silly life like the rest of them.

But Sirius never needed to move a finger. He had his future planned. They were getting closer to graduation, and now it was happening.

"If you think Orion and Walburga are bad" Sirius carried on "It's because you haven't seen what Grandfather is capable of"

Remus was horrofied by the awful people Sirius's parents were. He couldn't believe there was someone worse.

Remus remembered meeting him when he was a kid. That New Year's he spent at Grimmauld Place. The old man was powerful and imposing. He had looked at Remus like a disgusting insect. Then he had hit Sirius for not speaking clear and loud enough.

Remus had seen Sirius quarreling with his parents defiently. Even if they were mean or ended up hurting him, Sirius didn't seem scared. Remus remembered how much he had shaken in front of his grandfather.

"He is not going to let his precious heir disappoint him" Sirius sniffed. The ambient had gotten colder. Remus pulled the blankets up and scooped closer to Sirius "I ran away over the summer but at Alphard's funeral everyone acted like I was still the heir. I'm scared that if Grandfather finds out about you, he is not going to toss me out like with Andromeda. He is going to do anything to... Even hurt you or keep me away from you again..."

Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius. His skin was cold now. And he had tears in his eyes.

"I know I act though and all" Sirius said against his chest "But I am really scared of him. We all are" another sniff. Remus started touching his back gently "And if I somehow manage to disappoint him to the point of him setting me free without hurting the ones I love, there's Regulus"

"Regulus?"

Sirius faced him. Eyes red with fear or rage. Remus didn't know.

"He's the spare" Sirius said "Just like I was raised to be the heir, he was raised to be the spare.... If I fail, Regulus would have to take my place, Moony. And he's not strong like me. He would let them do what they want with him..."

Sirius was shaking at this point. So Remus had to do what he could to distract him. With a kiss, Remus tried to comfort Sirius and said the words he didn't find.

It was awful.

Both Sirius and Regulus were just kids. They were being treated like instruments or weapons.

"I think I can kick your grandfather's ass" Remus said after the kiss.

It took seconds for Sirius to react. But when he did, he burst out laughing. Good at least he wasn't sad or scared anymore.

"Oh Moony"

"Really!" Remus exclaimed "He's way older and if I remember correctly he used a cane"

"He still does" Sirius smiled.

"Easy peacy"

"There's a problem, though"

"What?"

"He has hitchmen to do the dirty work for him" Sirius said "They are probably trained to kill"

"Bollocks"

Sirius laughed beautifully.

"That ruins my plan, then"

Sirius smiled and bit his lip.

"I love you"

Remus's heart skipped a beat. Godammit. This was real and Sirius was saying those words to him.

Remus grabbed his hand, fingers interlocking.

"We'll figure it out" Remus promised swallowing to hide how scared he actually was. He would die if he lose Sirius because of his bloody family. Not again. "Bet James can buy us our own hitchmen"

Sirius giggled "That would be cool"

Remus knew Sirius was scared too.

"If you want" Remus added "We can keep our relationship hidden"

Sirius's expression changed. They had done that. They were going back to the same mistake.

"Moony..."

"We can tell James and Peter, and the girls..." Remus explained "Maybe the Potters if you want" he said "But maybe if less people know, it would not reach to your family's ears"

Sirius didn't seem happy but he was considering it.

"At least until we figure out how to get you and your brother out of this mess"

Sirius pouted adoribly.

"You don't mind, Moons?"

Remus would have loved that Sirius said they would be open no matter what. But Remus couldn't blame him. He was scared.

"Do you love me?"

Sirius answered fast.

"With all my heart"

Remus had to smile now.

"Well, I love you too" he said "And that's what matters. Only the people we care about would know. The rest doesn't matter. We don't have to be public and mellow like James and Lily anyway... We just have to be ourselves"

Remus was smiling but he knew they had to be careful. He couldn't kiss Sirius when he wanted, or hold his hand in public. Girls would still flirt with him and Remus could not tell them he was his.

Remus wished Sirius was someone normal. A boy he could just be with. But he came with a burden Remus had to accept and even love. It was a sacrifice he was doing for love.

He was sure Sirius would do the same if it was the other way around. He was there for Remus. He had come all the way to London to help Grant and deal with his own mess.

"What do you say?"

Sirius stared at him like he couldn't believe he was lucky, like Remus was the best thing that has ever happened to him. It gave Remus electricity all over his body.

"God, I love you so much"

Remus didn't have time to answer because Sirius was kissing him passionately. Remus loved him too. So so much.

And they kissed, and they kissed, and they kissed. Not like friends. Like lovers.

"Can we stay in bed a bit longer?" Sirius asked when they were out of breath. Remus smiled because he had felt his boner. This was glory.

"How can I say no to that?"

Sirius giggled as he placed himself on top of Remus, and the blankets above them. Another wave of pleasure hit Remus as Sirius started kissing his neck.

Remus could get used to it easily. This love was going to kill him. 

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Regulus felt like shit even before he opened his eyes. The sense of nausea and the strong headache hit him like a lightning strike. All he wanted was to stay in bed and buried his existance inside the blankets.

But maybe Regulus had to force himself to class. No, it was the weekend he was sure. Sunday, yes. That was good. He had an excuse not to do anything.

People shouldn't drink. Alcohol was dreaful. That was why Regulus prefered weed. He had drunk at parties but never to the point of having a hangover like this. It had all had been because Sirius had insisted...

Shit, the flashes of last night memories came back to Regulus. Drinking with Sirius at his hiding spot by the lake, walking through corridors he didn't even know that existed in the castle, getting really pissed, being dragged by Sirius into the Gryffindor Common Room, commenting how awful the decoration was and being silenced by his brother. Giggles, laughter, more giggles and laughter.

And of course, ending the night insulting James Potter, vomiting on the carpet inside his brother's dorm, and hugging Sirius begging for forgiveness.

Regulus sat up in bed, realizing this was not his. Red covers. Red walls, forgein posters around it, The Marauders read in a sign stuck to the door.

Regulus had slept inside a Gryffindor Dorm, specifically his brother's.

Then the pain in his head got stronger and he got dizzy. Regulus wished he was one of those people who forgot everything they did while drunk, because he was regretting every single decision that was detailed in his brain but it was as if someone else had done them.

Regulus was on Sirius's bed he assumed. He had his weird drawing stuck on the wall and it was the nearest the window. Sirius loved windows.

The other beds were empty (thank god) except for the one right in front with two boys cuddled very close to each other. Lupin and Reg's own brother. Sirius had left him his so he could sleep with Lupin.

Yes, he knew they were together despite the fact they tried to hide it for the rest of the world. But still Regulus didn't know what to feel about it. Not because Lupin was a boy, but because Lupin was one of the causes of all of their problems.

Regulus decided he needed to run. Better pretend last night never happened.

The Slytherin boy tried to be careful not to make any noise. He got out of bed and realized he was wearing Sirius's clothes. He shook away the brief and nice sensation of feeling protected. That was dangerous.

Regulus put some shoes on, at least he hoped they were his shoes, and tiptoed to the door. He cursed under his breath when the wooden floor creaked and Sirius woke up. He had always been a lightsleeper.

"Morning Reggie" he whispered.

Shit, Regulus was so close to the door. He faced defeat as Sirius yawned and stretched.

"I'm leaving"

Sirius silenced him with his finger and pointed at the sleeping boy next to him.

It was true that when Sirius got out of bed, Regulus was panicking. He had wanted to avoid comfrontation from his brother.

"How are you feeling?" Sirius whispered as he walked to him, cheeky smile on his face.

"Never drinking again" Reg whispered back.

Sirius shrugged still smiling "We all say that. We still continue drinking"

Though Regulus founded pointless. It just caused damage.

"The others?"

"James is probably in his morning excersice" Wanker "Peter might've gone for breakfast with the girls"

Regulus remembered the four of them had tried to get him to bed and babysit him like a freaking child who didn't want to sleep. How embarrassing.

"I should probably go" Regulus said awkwardly "I shouldn't be here"

Not exactly for the school rules. He stopped caring about them long time ago. It was something else.

"I had good time last night" Sirius's eyes were literally glowing. Reg was understanding why he ressembled a dog.

The truth was that Regulus had an excellent night. It had been years since the two brothers had spent time together. Not without fighting or yelling at each other. Regulus had let himself be dragged outside the castle, into the forest. Sirius showed him a secret place that looked to be taken out of a fairytale. Then Sirius had taken a bottle from under his shirt.

Regulus started drinking because Sirius had dared him. But as alcohol loosened them they had talked, and joked, and laughed and maybe confessed things. It had been fun.

Regulus had missed his brother so much. He had missed this. Actually he wasn't sure he had had it in the first place. That was why these moments were golden for Reg. Even if maybe Sirius was bored and lonely and he just needed company.

But Regulus couldn't admit it. If he did now, everything would crumble. And he might never see Sirius again. Or Sirius might hate him forever. Regulus's plan had to work.

"Me too" he confessed, but then he quickly added "It was irresponsible, though. It shouldn't have happened"

"Why?" Sirius asked "Doubt you care about teachers since you've been skipping classes and avoiding homework"

What Regulus hated the most about Lupin being his tutor was that he told his boyfriend everything.

"Who is the one talking? Heard you did the same"

Sirius shook his head.

"You can waste time and get drunk with Mulciber and the others but not your older brother?" Sirius crossed his arms.

"They are my friends"

They weren't. He was just pretending.

"Since when do you like those people? I mean Snivellus hangs with them"

"I don't say anything about your friends, Sirius!" Reg snapped.

"Yet you insulted each one of them last night" Sirius grinned "Especially James. You wanted to punch him"

Regulus really despised that twat. But he still was embarrassed.

"Gotta go" He walked to the door and opened it.

Sirius closed it before he could leave.

"I just want to understand something, Reg"

Regulus wanted to escape. He was vulnerable and hangover. Sirius was too intelligent to notice his brother was lying.

"You've changed" Sirius added "You don't hang out with Crouch anymore, but the most disgusting crowd in Slytherin"

Barty understood it was all part of his plan.

"You're a heartbreaker now" Sirius continued enlisting "You date two girls at the same time when before you haven't even been interested in them"

He wasn't interested. It all had been a confusion. He didn't know how to get rid of Alice. And despite what other people say, Pandora was just his friend. Well, kind of.

"You speak like a total twat now, like a spolied rich boy" Sirius tutted "You know who you are ressembling more and more? Father"

That was the plan. Orion needed to like Regulus better. He needed to accept his son as the new heir. And leave Sirius alone. Otherwise he was going to make his life miserable.

Regulus was trying hard not to cry like the whinny little boy he used to be. Like the depressed arsehole he was.

Sirius needed to believe it in order to work.

"This is not you, Reg"

"Maybe it is" Regulus snapped with arms crossed "What if this is me?"

Regulus sensed Lupin was moving in his sleep and if he woke up, Sirius would stop caring about his brother. Potter was first. Lupin was first. Sirius just felt guilty for what had happened and how he left.

If Sirius didn't care then why was Regulus doing all of this? It was his depressive side talking that wasn't able to shut up.

Regulus reached for the door again. Sirius stopped him.

"Are mother and father forcing you to do this?" Sirius asked with concern "Is mother?"

It ached the way Walburga was drowning herself and Regulus couldn't do anything about it. Sirius just hated her. Regulus wished he could hate her that easily. But he loved her so much it hurt, because she was awful. She was not easy to love.

"Leave mother out of this"

"She can be very manipulative, especially with you"

Regulus hated those kind of comments. It made Regulus feel weak and hate himself more than he already did.

"Just let me go, Sirius"

But Sirius was on the door, practically bloking Regulus's exit, escape route.

"You don't have to turn you into the heir they want. Just like they tried to do with me"

"Someone has to take your place"

"It doesn't have to be you"

Regulus's heart was beating fast. He needed to get out. He needed air.

"Sirius, please just let me go"

"So what? You can let them turn you into something you're not?" Sirius was raising his voice. Regulus's eyes flickered to the bult on Lupin's bed.

"They. are. not. doing. that"

It was really difficult to breathe.

"So that you can be the heir and miserable for the rest of your life?" Sirius carried on "So you can be just like father and mother. Full of pretending appeareances and smiles. Both still married but hating each other. And craving more money like a drug even if they already have enough... Manipulating people's lives even their own kids's"

"Sirius, move!"

And Regulus was speaking loudly because he was panicking. He felt like he was dying. On the burst of a panic attack.

"I'm not letting you go so you can be miserable and depressive because of them!" Sirius yelled back "So you would do this again"

Sirius grabbed Regulus's arm and the boy understood.

He still had some scars from the incident back in summer. He took pills that numbed him so he hadn't done it again. Although Regulus had wanted to. He had needed it many times.

Regulus knew he had scarred Sirius with his doing. He was crying now, shaking with fear. That was it.

Sirius was worried Regulus would hurt himself again. It was guilt and worry. Not love. Not like the one he felt for his precious Marauders.

"What's going on?"

Lupin was already awake, looking between the two brothers with concern. Regulus didn't know if Sirius had told him about summer, but he suspected Lupin had been awake a long time ago and he probably had overheard them.

If not, Sirius's tears would probably give it away.

"Moony..." he mumbled under his breath.

Regulus was already furious. He ripped his arm away.

"Very mature, Sirius"

He pushed his brother away from the door saying "Let me go" and opened it.

Sirius didn't stop him this time. He was crying.

"And don't worry" Reg added before leaving "I'm not going to kill myself"

Regulus said it because he knew it would hurt his brother the most. Then he slammed the door closed behind him. Lupin would figure it out anyway.

Regulus heard perfectly the way his brother yelled, cursed and banged the door from the other side. That was Sirius, pure fury.

This was better. If Regulus became the heir, Sirius could have the happy life he wanted. Live with his new family, date his boyfriend and do whatever he liked.

Regulus could take the burden. He was dead anyway. 

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Halloween was suppossed to be fun. James had been sure this one would be unforgettable. For starters, it was the last one they would have at Hogwarts. James, as Headboy, and Lily, as Headgirl had the brilliant idea of plan and host the best party ever.

James had thought that his sweet girlfriend had gone bunkers when she suggested it the first time.

"What are you doing, Potter?" Lily asked when James touched her forehead.

"Making sure you don't have a fever" James said "Are you feeling well?"

Lily scoffed and pushed his hand away "Jesus! Am I that boring?"

James smirked "The Evans I know wouldn't approve of this... A clandestine party?"

Lily pursed her rosy lips "We are asking the teachers for permission, remember?"

"And snuggling alcoholic beverages" James reminded her "Your words"

Lily smiled beautifully making James think: wow, so sexy.

"Come on! I just wanna have fun like a real teenager for one night. And I want all my friends to have fun as well..."

"What about your handsome boyfriend?"

Lily giggled "Him too" she kissed his cheek "I want to be a cool Headgirl. What is the harm in that?"

James figured he would do anything she asked him. He was doomed. It had to be love what he felt for her. He wanted to take the the moon and the stars for her just to see her this happy.

He nodded "What's the harm in that?"

Lily squealed and wrapped her arms around him. James's heart bit so hard that he almost said those three words he'd been dying to say. The need to say them out loud was getting worse. James had to bite his tongue many times. It was too soon.

They put all of their friends on board. They invited people from all houses. Lily even convinced teachers with her good behaviour history that they wouldn't need chaperones. James even bought extra food and extra drinks from his money just to please his girl.

The night of Halloween, The Gryffindor Common Room was full of creepy decorations, dressed up teenagers and good music. James looked around from up the stairs proudly. They had done a good job. He hoped Lily was happy. They would go down in history like the best Headboy and Girl ever. Also the hottest couple.

James grinned widely as he took a sip of his drink and walked down the stairs. He received congratulations from many people. Teammates, younger kids he knew, even some Slytherins like Dorcas Meadowes.

"Nice party, Potter" she said "You even beat up The Knights' Party. Everyone decided to come here instead"

He was sure they were nicer and more inclusive.

"What are you supposed to be, wanker?" Marlene asked looking down at him.

James had to admit the girls' costumes were impressive. Marlene was a male doctor with a fake wart on her nose and Dorcas his sexy nurse.

"Brad from the Rocky Horror"

Marlene looked at him "You're just dressed as yourself"

James was offended "Found the exact same outfit excuse me! Plus, I changed my glasses"

Marlene didn't look convinced. Dorcas hid her smile behind her cup.

"Where's everyone?"

"You mean your dumb friends?" Marlene shrugged "Haven't seen them"

James was actually worried for Sirius. He had been worried about him a lot lately. He was explosive, destructive and tended to do stupid shit. James could bet he was with Remus. Sirius had power over that shy boy.

"And Lily?"

Dorcas pointed to a spot near the drink table "Over there"

James opened his eyes like plates contemplating the image in front of him. Lily was chucking down a drink in one gulp. A group of what appeared to be fourth years were cheering her on. His Janet.

"Shit" James mumbled and walked to them.

To be fair Lily looked happy, and damn so so beautiful. Her cheeks were pink like when she was embarrassed. But she wore that smile better than that pink dress.

The fourth years cheered him on, one of them telling him to follow Lily's steps and drink too. James smiled but waved them off.

"Hey darling" James took away Lily's empty cup.

Lily beamed when she saw him.

"Oh hi!!" she said, grinning, putting her arms around his neck "Hi, Potter. Did you see that? I just did my first bottoms up!"

James smiled because she was adorable and definitely drunk already. God, he had left to pee and talk on the phone with his mother for 20 minutes.

"Nice, Evans"

"I'm just having a blast!" Lily was practically bouncing "Best party ever! And it was our doing, love!"

"Your doing" James kissed her head.

"Want to complete the dare as well, eh Captain?" Rick asked him. He was a good kid on the team.

But James shook his head.

"I'm taking my girl to dance"

James grabbed Lily's hand and dragged her to the dance floor. Lily happily followed him.

It was easy how Lily put her arms around James's neck, he grabbed her waist and they sway. Smiling at each other.

"You look beautiful tonight, darling"

Lily blushed deliciously.

"Thanks, darling" she answered "You look like a nerd"

"Oh thanks..."

Lily chuckled "A sexy one!"

Shit, she was adorable while drunk. And so so sexy.

"I've never had a Halloween like this one!" Lily said proudly "I'm not Penny Prefect anymore..."

"No?"

"NO!"

"Are you Penny Head Girl?"

Lily scoffed "I am fun!"

"Is that right?"

"Yeah!" Lily nodded enthusiastically "I found a couple snogging passionately in the loo earlier (minus some clothes) and I didn't care. I've been drinking with fourth years, practically children. And I even showed everyone how I walk upside down with my hands"

James adored this girl.

"Impressive"

"Thanks" Lily winked.

James smiled.

"Seriously, Potter. Thank you for making this possible. For making me happy"

James would do anything for her. He could do more. She deserved everything.

"Of course, gorgeous"

Lily smiled back.

James looked around.

"Have you seen Sirius or Remus?"

Lily shook her head.

"Peter?"

"He was dancing with Mary a while ago" Lily said excitedly.

"Oh!"

"They looked adorable!"

Peter would be glad to have Mary for himself. But James was still worried about the other two...

"Hey, Mr. Headboy" Lily made him come to his senses by grabbing his chin and making him face her "Stop worrying, this is a party. We don't worry at parties"

James was calmed. He was just sure Sirius was a mess right now. They used to share everything before. Until they stopped. James didn't know what happened with his family over the summer. James didn't know what Sirius was thinking lately, what he was up to. James had been too busy with his Headboy duties, Rugby, his relationship with Lily.

Remus probably knew. Those two had been like glue lately. James was a bit jealous.

"Potter" Lily repeated and James realized he was too in depth inside his thoughts "Tell me something else. Something different than your Sirius"

James frowned. His Sirius?

"You're hot when you are jealous, Evans"

Lily hit his arm playfully "I am not jealous!"

James smiled "Sure"

For a second, Lily was all James saw. She was gorgeous and radiant with that smile of hers. Her green eyes looking into his. It was as if the rest of the crowd around them was completely gone. It was just the two of them in the world.

James kissed her. She tasted like vodka and cranberry juice.

As always his heart was loud and jumpy inside his chest. He had goosebumps and a warm feeling inside that was getting stronger, stronger, stronger.

James tended to be sweet with Lily. She never seemed to be in a hurry for more. Always pushing him away when James tried touching her.

Right now, James was pulling apart, but Lily pulled him closer again. She was passionate. James's body temperature immadiately went up. He wanted her of course. But not when Lily was a bit intoxicated.

Reluctantly he pulled away.

"Lily..." he whispered now. Foreheads touching, eyes closed. The song playing was an upbeat one but James didn't care. They stopped moving.

He only called her Lily when he was being damn serious.

"Yeah?"

Shit, if he didn't say it now, he was probably going to combust. He had been using words like "fancy", "into you", "like", "care" but none of them gave justice to what he actually felt.

"I love you"

It made sense then. Saying it gave James a sense of calmness because that was what he felt for her. What he had felt for her for a long time.

Lily opened her eyes in surprise.

James waited for seconds. He had hope Lily would smile anytime soon and say something like: "I love you too, tosser" and they would kiss again.

Lily took a long time to answer. Her eyes went for a second to something behind James. When he turned he saw him standing next to the arseholes of The Knights: Snape.

Shit, James knew some Slytherins had crushed, but he didn't know that wanker was one of them.

He was looking furiously at them.

James looked back at Lily. She looked back at him, looking guilty.

"James..."

Lily only called him that when she was being damn serious...

James waited....

"HEY PRONGS"

James was glad and relieved to see Sirius and Remus there. But not right now, what a bad timing. Plus, James noticed the soft hickeys on Sirius's neck, the swollen lips, the red eyes, the messy hair. Sirius had been probably snogging some girl and Remus had been covering for him.

"Where were you?"

He sounded even more pissed than he intended.

Sirius and Remus looked between each other in complicity.

They were dressed as Freddy Mercury and David Bowie so it would've been iconic in other circumstances. Although Freddy's mustache was long gone and David's lightning makeup was all ruined.

"Around, dad"

Sirius sounded drunk as well. He turned to Lily.

"Evans! You haven't danced with me!" then back to James "Mind if I borrow your girl, Prongsie?"

James did mind. But seeing Lily now hurt, so he let her go with Sirius. She was laughing with him. As if nothing had happened. As if James hadn't poured out his heart for her.

"You alright, Prongs?" Remus asked carefully. He stank of weed.

"Who was Sirius snogging?"

Remus went pale.

"I don't know"

James was pissed.

"You were suppossed to take care of him!" he yelled, and stormed away. James couldn't be there anymore.

Inside the bathroom , James felt like his heart was broken into a million pieces. He never believed that Lily wouldn't love him back. Had he been stupid to say it? Maybe it was too soon. They hadn't been dating too long, only a couple of months.

James couldn't stop repeating the pathetic scene inside his brain. He despised his own reflection. How he had ruined everything in an instant and...

Snape...

It had been Snape's fault. He had ruined everything. Why did he even have to be there? It was supposed to be their moment.

James felt untamed rage. It was mixed with pain, alcohol and tiredness. He walked out of the loo with the only purpose of finding him.

Luckily, James found him alone by the stairs. The twat was still looking at his girlfriend as she danced with Sirius.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he said storming into his presence.

"Excuse me, Potter?"

It was pathetic to see Snape trying to act like a teenager with drink in hand. Lurking around the corners though. Like the coward he was. Not even wearing a costume.

"You're not invited!"

"I thought this party had an open invitation to all houses..."

"Not you! I did not invite you!"

James even pushed him back. He was furious. He hated him.

"Get the fuck out of my house, my party, and my life while you are at it...NOW!"

Snape smirked "Your house? Your party?" He scoffed "You think you are royalty because of your Headboy badge? You think you are above the rules and you can have a party without getting caught? Life full of luxuries and fame, ha?"

"You know who is my best luxury?" James asked "Her, Lily"

That hit Snape right in the gut.

"Is she? Funny how she is dancing with Black now"

James scoffed.

"Stay away from her" he said "Stop looking at her, stop surrounding her, stop breathing the same air she breathes! She is mine now. So back off!"

He pushed him stronger this time.

"Lily is not your property, Potter" Snape approached "As much as you like to believe it"

"She is perturbed by you and your presence!" James thought about earlier and just by seeing him she froze "Just leave her alone"

James grabbed Snape by his shirt with all the will of starting a fight. But a voice inside his head asked him to stop. It sounded a lot like his father.

"You are better than this, son" Monty said.

He had promised to be better and stay at bay. Snape brought the worst in him but Lily brought the best. He released Snape.

"What is it, Potter?" Snape said "You just realised I am right? Lily is going to eventually see the monster that you are and she's going to leave you"

James closed his eyes to focus. She loved him. James had chosen the worst moment to say it. He had to try again another time.

Suddenly the music stopped, it sounded as if someone was grabbing the mic. James opened his eyes to see Lily, his Lily, on top of the table.

"I want to say something! I just want to say something!" She waved Remus off, who was trying to get her down.

Lily looked even drunker than before. James knew Sirius was responsible for that since he was grinning at her.

James saw that Snape was surprised as he was.

"Who's having fun??"

Everyone cheered at Lily's words. She smiled.

"I want to say that none of this would be possible if it weren't for someone special" Lily carried on "The Headboy, Gryffindor Captain and my boyfriend" she smirked "Give it up for James Potter!!"

The attention was on James now. The crowd was clapping and cheering. James faked a little smile. Snape had quickly hidden away in the shadows.

"I just wanna say that he's special..." Lily's gaze found him "And I luv'im"

James was in shock. He was usually an attention seeker but this felt wrong.

"I LOVE YOU, POTTER!" Lily screamed now through the microphone "DO YOU HEAR'ME?"

She was drunk. And she was talking bollocks. It was kind of humilliating to hear those words like that. With everyone's eyes on them. James had wanted it to be more intimate.

Because he really loved her, this was not a show for him.

Lily was enjoying being the show girl now. She was dancing and bowing for her fans.

"Look what you've done to her, Potter" Snape said somewhere behind him "She's becoming just like you. Pathetic to get some attention"

James felt like he wanted to cry.

"AND I DON'T KNOW, POTTER!" Lily continued with a shrug "I MIGHT LET YOU SHAG ME TONIGHT"

James's mind went to last week at Hogsmeade. He had rented a cabin for them because he was sure they were ready to take that step. He wanted to be romantic. And even if Lily hadn't wanted to do it in the end, James had been patient with her.

James's face was burning with humiliation. People found Lily's performance amusing and funny. People were looking at him like he was a pervert.

James couldn't let this continue.

He ignored the stares, laughs and comments on his way to Lily.

"Lily, come on" he said calmly "Get down"

Lily was confused and this close James could see in her face how drunk she was. Which made James feel worse.

James grabbed Lily by the waist pulled her up and dragged her down.

"Potter!!" She yelled.

It was the only way he could get her out of there. Even if it looked worse. Like she was actually shagging her.

The party resumed so as the music. At least James and Lily weren't the center of attention anymore. But still there were people that stared.

"That's enough, I am taking you to your dorm" James said as he finally put her on the floor and Lily lost balanced.

She pouted "But I am having fun!"

James took a deep breath like a parent dealing with his child. Lily was hugging his waist. There was no sign of Snape luckily.

Kids around were saying "Nice, Potter! You're lucky" or stuff like that which was making James pissed.

"Prongs!" Sirius came towards them. Remus right behind him.

James was so angry with both that he would've punched them if Lily wasn't balancing on him.

Sirius was trying not to laugh.

"Wow Evans, what a show!"

"Sirius, she is drunk" Remus shook his head.

"Do you think this is funny?" James asked, rather pissed.

Sirius stopped smiling.

"Why did you make her drink like that?"

"It's not like I forced her! She wanted to drink. She was having fun"

What James did was fume his friend with his eyes. Because he was going to say something mean.

"Oh my God, Lily!"

The rest of their friends were around. Mary, Peter, Marlene and Dorcas.

"She's going to regret all of this in the morning" Peter commented.

James swallowed "Yes, help me take her upstairs" she could barely stand up.

Mary and Marlene were immediately surrounding Lily with their arms.

"Prongs, let me help" Remus begged.

"You've done enough" James stopped them.

"Are you seriously angry with me too?" Remus asked.

James pointed at Sirius "You encourage him"

James left before they could say anything else. He saw Sirius rolling his eyes. And Peter asked: "What happened now?"

James carried Lily in his arms while Marlene and Mary cleared the way for them. They were commenting about the scene and Lily being this drunk for the first time. Whether it had been Sirius's fault or not. James was silent. He kept staring at Mary's shinny fairy dress.

Once at the girls' dorm, James placed Lily on her bed delicately. She was groaning and mumbling James's name.

"I wanna party"

"I think you've partied enough for tonight, love" James said tucking her in.

Lily closed her eyes so James kissed her head.

"Can we agree that was kind of a lot?" Marlene broke the silence. She always did that.

Seeing the girls hiding smiles made James loosen up. He let out a soft giggle. Green light for the girls to laugh as well.

"Oh God" Marlene tutted "She's is going to feel miserable in the morning, won't she?"

James turned to look at her. Knowing her she would feel awful for all of it. James felt kind of guilty.

"I thought it was quite romantic" Mary grinned, then added "The part of she saying she loves you, James. Not the shagging part"

James didn't say anything.

"Although they say we say our most deepest desires with alcohol in our system" Mary added "Maybe she has the wants of you"

James felt his face on fire.

"Mary!" Marlene protested.

"I'm just saying maybe Lily was horny tonight..."

"Can you leave me alone with her?" James couldn't hear anything else.

The girls looked at him.

"Oh my God! Not for shagging, she's pissed!"

Marlene hit her friend.

"Shut your big mouth"

"He's kicking us out!"

Marlene pushed Mary to the door.

"Of our own dorm!"

"Bye lover boy!" Marlene chanted.

James smiled at them.

"Could you please find the prefects and tell them to shut the party down?"

"But it is barely past midnight..." The blond girl protested.

"Party is over, Marlene"

"Yes, Mr. Headboy" Mary grinned.

Marlene groaned. But dragged Mary away. James could hear both of their giggles down the hall.

James took a seat in the chair next to Lily's bed. She looked so peaceful in her sleep. Mouth half opened, occasional moaning.

James wasn't angry with her. He wasn't angry with Sirius or Remus. He was mostly angry with himself. It felt like he had forced Lily to do everything.

First the party, because he liked those and enjoyed those so Lily must've felt like she should like them too.

Second the "I love you" thing. He should have waited. Just like he had planned. But his feelings had to betray him. Now Lily had felt pressured to say it back. And she had drank alcohol to do it.

And lastly the sex thing. Maybe Lily felt pressured about it too. James had only rented the cabin because he thought they were ready. He wasn't one of those arseholes that took advantage of girls.

What kind of boyfriend he was? Did Lily want to be this cool party girl because she thought that that was what James wanted? Have he given her signs that he wanted something different from her?

Lately James had been feeling shitty about his past and the way he had behaved. Always getting what he wanted. Putting people down for not being like him. A pretentious rich boy, a brat that walked around with privileges while others didn't have them. Like the king of the world.

He was thinking lately that he had made people around him like that. Like Sirius. Or Peter.

Maybe Sirius was realising that, maybe that was why he was drifting apart.

James hadn't meant it but maybe he had manipulated people to his will.

Now he was doing it with the girl he loved. His precious Lily.

James grabbed her hand.

"James..." Lily mumbled squeezing his hand.

"Oh Lily, love" James took a deep breath "Why did you have to get that drunk, ha? Why did you have to say it like that in front of everyone? Why couldn't just say right back when I first told you?"

Lily frowned still his her eyes closed..

"Sorry"

James relaxed.

"It's okay, Evans" he said putting her hair away "I understand why you might not love me.... I was a dick to you. I was a dick to a lot of people.... But I am trying to do better, okay?"

Lily didn't answer this time. She might've been asleep.

James sighed, he kissed her head again.

"Good night, beautiful" James said "I meant what I said. I really love you. And I will be patient with you. And hope you love me back"

Silence.

"Now I have to go back and send everyone to bed before the teachers catch us" he chuckled "You and your party, Mrs. Headgirl"

Now more calm James rose to his feet.

"I love you, Lily" he said again. Now easier before walking out of the room.

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Sirius wished he didn’t know what a panic attack looked like. Despite having an awful childhood, being ignored by his parents except when they needed him, being abused by their governess because she hated him, being criticized his whole life by his grandfather.  None of it had damaged him this much. Sirius used to be strong. 

Becoming The Black Empire’s Heir had been something he was supposed to be. All his education, side classes, hair cuts, clothing choices, food regimes were to prepare him to get there. 

It had been a distant fate when he was younger. He knew he still had time. Sirius had taken advantage of his money, and had fun with his friends and explored the idea of having girlfriends, and he hadn’t been an exemplary student. Which had been fun and also had caused his parents to be furious and punish him. Although time flew and Sirius was months away to turn eighteen. 

Sirius felt like he was running out of time and he couldn’t plan something to escape. Especially now that he had to be there for Reggie. 

Sirius had been stupid. He had been acting like the rebel, driving his family crazy, hoping they would forget him as the heir. However he didn’t stop to consider that if Sirius was out, they all would turn to the spare. Regulus was the spare. 

It was awful. All of it. Now Sirius had realized going with his father to the office over the summer. The bad looks, the hypocrisy, Bellatrix’s exhausting bullying, the fake kissing of his shoes, and the actual stabbing on the back. 

Sirius hated the idea of doing this for the rest of his life. Be boring, fake, and married to someone he probably hates. Like his parents. He had been thinking these past couple of weeks how he preferred to die than to live like this. 

And if Sirius hated it , Regulus wouldn’t last a day. In Sirius’s mind, he could take the toughest battles. Just like he had done with his brother when they were little, and he always took the blame so that Miss Sighry would punish him and not his little vulnerable brother. 

That was the reason Sirius was numb on the way home. Orion was still speaking about some of the investors they had met tonight at a party. Still talking shit about them. 

Part of the evening had been about a group of rich pretentious men talking about business and money, some part talking shit about other people, a large portion of it talking about women as either annoying or sexual objects. 

It was part of being a man, Orion had said. Some men had asked Sirius if he had a girlfriend and how many girls he had been with. Orion had spoken, making him look like a big womanizer. 

“You disappeared a big portion of the evening, Sirius” Orion was saying now. Big smirk on his face “Had fun with Lottie?”

Sirius had been snogging Lottie. But the way Orion said it made Sirius feel like he had been using her and he hated that. In fact, Orion had said he had hired her to be Sirius’s “little toy” during his internship. Sirius should have never kissed her. She was supposed to be his assistant. Lottie was actually an intelligent girl and she really wanted to work hard to stay in the company. 

To be fair she had been a nice distraction from the toxicity of his family and the rotten environment in the Company, even worse how gloomy Grimmauld Place was because of Reggie. Also when he kissed Lottie he momentarily forgot about the kiss Remus gave him before term ended. It was even more scary that he couldn’t take it out of his head the rest of the time… how even if it had been brief Sirius had enjoyed it a lot… and how he would like to try it again…

Shit! That’s why he was ignoring Remus. Sirius didn’t have time for this. 

“Amm… Yeah” Sirius answered just to say something and end the conversation. He glanced back to the window, and with every person that passed on the street, Sirius wished he was one of them. Just normal. 

Orion laughed “Beautiful girl, isn’t she?” he asked “Have fun all you want with her as long as your Grandfather doesn’t find out. He was content with you tonight. Didn’t say something stupid or caused trouble. See Sirius? You can behave if you want. Don’t worry, we are on the right track” 

“Aha…”

“Oh you should’ve seen your Uncle Cygnus’ face, he was probably constipated with the expectation of you doing something stupid but you proved him wrong…”

At least Sirius had felt like he was doing something back when he did stupid shit, insulted someone, did a prank, or caused trouble. Now that he had behaved, he felt miserable. 

All because of Regulus. That was how much he loved his little brother. He would live this miserable life anytime, but never see Regulus like that ever again. Never…

Kreacher dropped them at Grimmauld Place at 2 am. Sirius couldn’t wait to take this expensive suit off. And feel a little more like himself. Perhaps call James and tell him something about his night. Not too many details of course. He had to see Reggie first. 

Walburga was awake when they entered the mansion. She was wearing her silk pajamas, and not to Sirius’ surprise,, with a glass of wine in hand. Sirius hoped she hadn’t been drinking around Reg. 

“How did the party go?” 

And she sounded even more drunk than Orion. Sirius stopped himself from rolling his eyes. 

“Surprisingly good, darling” Orion answered, taking the glass of wine out of Walburga’s hand and kissing her cheek with the same mouth he had talked obscenities about other women. Sirius felt sick. 

“Woow” Walburga giggled “Sirius didn’t cause any trouble?” she asked with a mocking voice, “Is it the end of the world?” she asked a little too high into the empty house “Wait…” she came closer touching Sirius’ forehead “Feeling well, sweetheart? Perhaps you have a fever?”

Sirius pushed her hand away, but mainly out of instinct. She never touched him if it wasn’t for slaps and pulling of ears. 

Orion snorted before finishing the wine left, emptying the cup. “Sirius was very entertained I shall say” 

His father winked at his song and then looked at his wife with hungry eyes. Sirius was disgusted.

“Is that so?”

“Like the perfect heir”

Sirius wanted to scream. That was all he was for them. The Heir. Orion and Walburga never cared about him or even Regulus. They were means to their sick goal of having the company for themselves. 

For an instant, Sirius thought about Monty and Effie. So loving, caring, and comprehensive. Why couldn’t he have parents like that? Why was he so unfortunate to have been born in a family like this? with parents like the ones he had?

Sirius felt like it was getting harder to breathe. He felt like he wanted to scream and cry. In the past he had exploded with things to insult his parents to lose some tension at least. This time he swallowed his tears.

“I’m going to bed. I’m tired” he said practically under his breath “Is Regulus awake?”

Walburga’s smile erased from her face. 

“He’s under his meds” she said “Don’t you dare wake him up and bother him, Sirius”

“I thought I was the perfect heir” A trace of his sarcastic self came out without control. 

“You are still trouble and a bad influence on him” Walburga spat. 

Sirius turned in time to roll his eyes and climb the stairs. He still heard Orion saying to Walburga: “Why do you still spoil that whinny little brat?”

Sirius ran to his room, locking himself in time. He felt like he was struggling to breathe. He had an aching pain on his chest. He panted as he rubbed the place of the pain. He tried to exhale and inhale as he took off his blazer and the tie that felt like it was choking him. 

Sirius closed his eyes as an overwhelming pain clouded him. He couldn’t breathe. And his body was shaking. For a moment he felt like was dying. And he was so furious. So furious. 

It was hard to swallow this anger. He wanted to go downstairs and yell at both of his parents, punch them, make them understand. He also wanted to cry in front of them, begging them to care about Regulus. About him. 

It took Sirius a while, but he had managed to calm himself down before. So he did it now, letting out a few dry sobs. He couldn’t make himself cry even. 

Another awful day. At least it was over and he was counting the days to go back to Hogwarts, back home. He didn’t want to think about the future when this wouldn’t be only for the summer and he wouldn’t have to come back to Hogwarts or see his friends. 

Sirius changed into more comfortable clothes. He wore one of James’ hoodies to feel protected and not that alone. Then he slowly walked to Regulus’ room. The hallway haunted Sirius with horrible flashes of memories. He had walked the very same path annoyed as hell to warn Regulus about breakfast or something. He couldn’t even remember. He had knocked the same door without response and walked inside to see blood, blood, blood and his unconscious brother on the floor…

Now Regulus was peacefully sleeping on his bed. Sirius was relieved. At least he seemed okay. After that dreadful night, Sirius had promised to keep peace within the house and the family. To spare Regulus from despair, depression or whatever was haunting him; also to save him from the fate he would leave behind if he decided not to be the heir. Regulus couldn’t be the heir, they would all eat him alive. 

Sirius was going to do everything in his power so that Regulus would be okay. Even if that cost him his happiness. 

Regulus moved in his sleep. 

“Sirius?” he mumbled from the pillow.

Sirius swallowed his tears again. He faked a smile. 

“Hey Reg! Sorry to wake you” 

“It’s okay” Regulus shrugged “Couldn’t sleep”

Sirius stepped into Regulus’ room. 

“How was the party?”

“Boring as hell” Sirius let out a chuckle. He didn’t want to talk about it “Wanna watch a movie together until we both can sleep?”

Regulus’ smile was small but still it was there. 

“Sure”

Sirius got inside the covers next to his brother and rubbed his head causing him to whine in protest. Regulus grabbed his laptop and turned it on. They watched the screen.

“So you didn’t make a scandal?” Regulus asked as he picked one of his old French movies.

Sirius knew he had the reputation. But no. This time he had behaved. 

“Nah” he answered “Was a good boy today”

“That’s new” Regulus commented with concern.

“Don’t worry…I’ll do something to Bella’s hair tomorrow” Sirius lied. 

Regulus giggled, placing his head on his brother’s shoulder and they watched the movie in silence.