Chapter Text
Tyler doesn’t get woken up until lunch time the next day. He still feels completely drained, there's a never ending ache right behind his eyes and he needs water and pain relief. He doesn’t get out of bed for another five minutes when Mark comes back to his door. “Tyler, get up!” he yells and it sends sharp pains to his head. “Stop screaming at me!” he whines, “my head hurts. Can you get me my meds and pain relief first?” “Sorry, sorry. I should have remembered crashes give you headaches. I’ll be back.”
Mark actually does look guilty when he comes back with a cup of water and a handful of pills. He would laugh at the man if he didn’t think the movement wouldn’t make it worse. “I really do need you to get up now though. Josh is currently sitting in the dining room not being watched. I think I might have left the kitchen open too.” Tyler groans and throws the blanket off, “Idiot.” “Yeah, yeah I know. I hate when they only schedule one person during school hours.” Mark throws him a hoodie that was on his dresser and walks out. He pulls the hood up and attempts to block out most of the light.
Josh smiles at him when he gets in the room and he returns it. He sits down and puts his head on the table. The coldness of the wood calms his head a little but he still needs the pain relief to kick in. Mark puts a bowl in-front of him and Tyler whines again. “I’m not hungry, this shit hurts.” “Stop cussing. You just slept for 18 hours you need to eat, drink some more water and I promise you’ll feel better.” Tyler lifts his head and glares at him before grabbing the bowl of mac and cheese. “Can I have ketchup at least.” Mark nods and walks into the kitchen. “Ketchup?” Josh asks with a look of disgust. “Yes.” He squirts a reasonable amount in his bowl and mixes it, “try it, it’s good.” “I’m good man,” he says while shaking his head. Tyler shrugs, “whatever.” “I didn’t like it he made me try it either,” Mark says with his own face of disgust.
—
Tyler’s headache does manage to go down but not fully away. They sit in the living room in the dark with the TV lowered for a while, just sitting in comfortable silence. “Don’t you get bored here? I bet it’s tough since you don’t go to school.” Josh asks out the blue, probably bored himself. “Kinda,” he shrugs, “sometimes I go outside, or write, mainly I just listen to music and try to study. Why? You’ve been here two days and the never ending boredom is already getting to you? You're in for a long ride buddy.” Josh laughs lightly, “Yeah, a little…I really hope I’m not here for long.”
There’s a look of hurt on the other's face, a little zoned out and distanced. Tyler wants to ask about Josh’s story, why he’s in here but he knows it’s not appropriate right now. “Yeah, I get that. But um, weekends are a lot better here. They always try to take us somewhere fun and then there’s church on Sundays. It’s not mandatory but it gets you out. I go every time and play the piano for them.” “You play piano? I play drums!” Josh smiles again and Tyler is internally thankful for it. “Self taught since I was about 10. My mom hated it.” “I’m self taught too, my parents literally made me sign a contract when I got them.”
Tyler accidentally goes on a never ending rant about music for the next hour. He talks about what he writes, what the process is like, what he would want it to sound like if he ever got to actually make it. He brings up bands that inspire him, mostly the ones he grew up with and some he’s heard from being in here. That is when Josh finally brings up Death Cab again. “I never did tell you about that, did I?” “Oh yeah, the show! I forgot all about it, I was so tired. Please tell me about it, I’ve never been to a concert before.” “Never?” “Nope, now please tell me.”
Tyler has a huge smile plastered on his face the whole time, slightly rocking back and forth and one of his legs shaking. There’s a sparkle in his eyes Josh has never seen in anyone before. He’s completely enamored, it’s like he’s experiencing the show through Josh even though all he’s told him is the setlist. He tells him about the lights that swirled around the room. The people that were sobbing near him and the amount of lighters and flashlights in the air. How it was loud as hell and his ears rang for an hour later. “It really was one of the best nights of my life. It’s like permanently engraved into my soul.” “It sounded really fun, I hope I can go to one someday.” Really he doesn’t know if he ever will, sometimes he thinks he’ll live in this place for the rest of his life.
“I’ll take you to one.” It’s a tease but also sweet. “Yeah? How?” Josh shrugs, “I’ll figure it out.” “Okay.”
—
When the others came back from school screaming his headache came back at full force. He sits through group, gritting his teeth the whole time and covering his ears. It’s so loud he can feel the vibrations of everyone’s voices shaking his chest and head. He’s in the middle of the table, and everyone is so close that both Josh’s and William's shoulders bump his. His clothes already don’t feel right on his body and it makes it so much worse.
Josh leans in closer to him and tries to whisper in his ear. He doesn’t hear what he has to say, all he knows is that it’s loud and painful. He flinches away hard, almost knocking William out the booth. “Let me out. Let me out!” he screams, pushing at the boy and storming out the room.
He hides in the dark corner of his room. His hands go back to his ears, and he pulls his knees to his chest. He’s rocking back and forth trying to calm down and get the energy out but it doesn’t work. Painful whines and sobs fall out of him and it hurts his head even more but he can’t stop it.
“Tyler, what’s wrong?” Mark asks, sitting on his floor a few feet away from him. “Ev-everything!” “Okay, okay. What’s the worst right now?” “My head,” Tyler lets out a sob that sounds like he was just stabbed. “We’ll get you some more medicine or do you need to go to the hospital? Is-” “No!” Tyler flinches hard, “No, please, please don’t. I can’t-” He’s barely breathing at this point, his face is tomato red and his chest isn’t even moving. “Tyler if you don’t breathe I will have to take you.” Tyler opens his mouth and nearly doubles over with the force of his breath. “That’s good. Good job. Do another one, less harsh this time.” He sucks in a shaking breath and pushes it out with a huff.
“Perfect, lower your legs and keep doing that.” Tyler drops his legs and hands at the same time, basically turning into a shaking rag doll. He can hear his heart beat in his ear and his head pulses with it. “In through your nose,” he sucks in, “out through your mouth,” he huffs it out. “Again. Do you want the medicine?” Tyler nods and leans his head back against the wall. He hears Mark rushing down the hallway and he takes the moment to strip his hoodie off.
The pills shake in his hands but he still manages to stuff them in his mouth. Mark holds the bottom of the cup just in case he drops it. Water pours out the side of his mouth as he chugs it and it collects on his shirt, making it stick to his skin. He breathes out a thanks when the cup is empty, “it’s my job. Do you want to get off the floor now?” “I don’t want to go back out there.” “You don’t have to, you can stay in. I’ll get Micheal to sit outside your door tonight.” Tyler nods, “help me up?”
Mark pulls Tyler up on his wobbly legs, he almost falls over but Mark puts an arm under his. He sits him down on the bed and Tyler just adjusts so he’s laying down again. “I’m going to go get Micheal, do you want more water or your snack?” “Water.” “He’ll bring it to you. Get some more sleep. You have therapy tomorrow at 1, make sure you talk to her. See you Monday.” Tyler nobs and says bye.
He drifts off until Micheal comes with his water. It’s an actual bottle but the cap is off so he doesn’t try to choke on it. “Hey bud, I got you water. You okay?” “No.” “Yeah, I figured. Take a nap, tell me if you need something. I’ll bring you dinner later.”
Tyler doesn’t sleep, his head hurts too much for it. He drifts off, staring at the ceiling for what feels like hours. His body feels like it’s spinning in a black hole, time does and doesn’t move at the same time. He doesn’t really know where he is, he doesn’t really care. The black and empty is perfect, he feels numb, finally not feeling the thousands of emotions at once. It truly is perfect.
He flinches when he feels a hand shaking him. He quickly sits up and blinks rapidly while he tries to come back to his body. “Sorry, sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. Here’s dinner.” He shakes his head and the plate comes into view finally. “It’s just pizza, something easy.” He takes it with somewhat shaky hands, “thanks.” He eats one of the two slices and sets it on his dresser.
Micheal comes and takes it away a while later when he determines Tyler isn’t going to eat it. “The boys are watching Donnie Darko if you want to go watch it.” Despite it being his favorite movie he still shakes his head. “You feeling a little burnt out?” “A little, it’ll pass.” Micheal nods and then goes quiet for a moment, “I think Josh feels guilty for setting you off.” “He didn’t mean to, it’s fine.” “Yeah but he doesn’t know that, he looks like a kicked puppy.” He rolls his eyes, “I’ll talk to him, explain it…sometime.” Tyler realizes he’s never felt the need to explain himself to anyone, not even his therapist. Now he wants to explain himself to Josh? He tells himself it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t. It can’t.
—
Tyler stared at the empty page in his notebook, he wanted to write, he planned to write but it never came. Instead his hand moves on its own, drawing meaningless lines until it makes something. It’s a ceiling fan at the top of the page. One of the blades is completely removed, another one halfway to decay. The fixture is crooked to the left with a knot in the wire. The lightbulb is broken, shattered to pieces but some still remain attached. It’s the start of something, he knows it but can’t put anything to it.
There’s a knock on the door and he looks up to see Josh standing in the doorway. He looks nervous, bouncing on the balls of his feet and rocking forwards. “Hey,” Tyler says as he stands up and goes to the door, he leans against it, the cold metal rushing to his head. “Hey, you doing okay?” there's another sad smile on his face, he really does look like a kicked puppy. “I’ve been better, been worse too.” he shrugs. “Look, I didn’t mean to set you off earlier. I feel so bad, I’m really sorry.” “It’s fine, I just got really overstimulated. I promise I’m not this crying mess all the time. My insomnia just gets rough sometimes and it just all crumbles down.”
Josh nods a little, “I bet. Anyways, I, uh, I wanted to give you something. I know we’re probably not supposed to give people things but Mandy said I could yesterday.” He holds out two pieces of clothing and Tyler reluctantly grabs them. One of them is a black shirt with an umbrella that’s pouring rain into a puddle with the Death Cab logo on it. The other one has the cover of Transatlanticism on the front and dates on the back, there's a star embroidered next to one of them and Tyler finally connects the dots. “Is this the merch from your show?!” Josh smiles, “yeah, I figured you’d wear them more than me.”
Tyler is about to burst out in tears again, “oh my God, thank you.” He swallows thickly, he can’t remember the last time he actually got a gift that wasn’t shitty church things for Christmas. This actually has meaning, this is something he loves, something he actually holds dear to his heart. “I wish I could hug you right now. Oh my God. Thank you Josh, really. You have no idea what this means to me.” He wipes the stray tear off his face and swallows again. “It’s no
problem, really. I have plenty of other ones. Just take care of them.” “I will. I won't even let them touch the dryer.”
Josh laughs and tells him goodnight. Tyler watches him leave and go to his own room. Micheal gives him a look, he can’t read it well but it probably doesn’t mean anything good. “Don’t,” Micheal says, “it never turns out well.” “What?” he replies and Micheal shakes his head, “nothing, just go to bed.”
He stares at the ceiling again. He feels seen, for the first time in years he actually feels seen by someone. It aches in his chest and he tries to tell himself it means nothing. It means nothing. In reality it means everything, it means so fucking much.