Chapter Text
It was the morning of the day he was finally going to have sex. Proper sex. With Robert.
He had woken up early, not really been able to sleep well throughout the night. Never could when he was nervous.
Pacing back and forth in his room, he was packing his backpack for the hotel. Picking up stuff to put in his bag, then changing his mind and returning it, only to change his mind again.
Anxiety was gradually growing in his stomach as the moment got closer, and he was still faffing around attempting to pick what he’d need. A spare set of clothes - black, few more pairs of underwear, and then he shoved in a plastic carrier bag of the supplies he’d gotten the day before.
In the shop he was quite paranoid, assuming everyone could tell what he was going to do by seeing the items in his basket. Not knowing ‘the usual’, he racked his brain for things he thought he would need, thinking back to what he would’ve liked to have the last times. He knew it was going to hurt, so he picked up some painkillers; paracetamol and ibuprofen, just to be safe. Next, he thought about the mess he’d make, so he brought wipes and a few other pieces. The hotel would probably have washcloths or something similar, but he didn’t want to ruin theirs or have them figure out what he and Robert had done. It felt sordid.
Just then his phone buzzed. A text from Robert came through, ‘Can’t wait for later. How are you feeling about it?’
He smiled after reading his message, Robert caring to ask, probably figuring that he might be worrying about it. And he is. He texts back, ‘I’ll be ok, been looking forward to this.’ It was the truth, along with his nerves, he also felt rather eager about doing this with Robert.
Robert made him feel safe and loved, which was perhaps daft as he was married, had a perfect wife and a family in his grand house on the hill. Yet when it was just the two of them, he looked at Aaron in a way no one had ever done before. Butterflies would appear in his stomach, for a lack of a better description of the feeling.
He allowed himself to think that Robert felt the same. That he meant the words he muttered to Aaron, of love, of being unable to lose him when Aaron had tried to end them. His mind had gone to a dark place at the time, his jealousy of Chrissie and not feeling he was enough for Robert. But Robert had confessed that Chrissie wasn’t enough and confessed his love for him. He also stated that he wouldn’t have said those words to Aaron if he hadn’t meant it.
He wouldn’t be doing this now, if he didn’t let himself believe that Robert loved him. There was doubt in his mind, of course there was. He’d always thought he was unlovable, and Robert was married to someone else, and despite his confession, he was still clearly not giving her up anytime soon. Nevertheless, he allowed himself Robert.
He zipped his bag up, finally finished and pulled out his phone to check the time. Four hours to go.
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They arrived at the hotel separately, Aaron albeit a little earlier than planned. He was still nervous, brimming with apprehension.
Checking into the room early also meant that he could feel it out, become more familiar with his surroundings. He wanted to make sure it was okay, that it wouldn’t remind him more of things he didn’t want to be reminded of. It was already close to the front of his mind.
He would describe the room as old-fancy. It had dark wood furniture with weird patterns on them. There was a tall wardrobe to the side, a round table with a few chairs around it, a cabinet with a decent sized TV standing on it by the entrance to the bathroom, which was definitely bigger than the bathroom back at the pub. The bed stood in the middle of the room, up against the wall across from the TV. It had drawers either side, a big headboard covering half the height of the wall behind, and it was the biggest bed he’d ever seen. His own had always been a single and he had encountered a few doubles, but this was huge in comparison.
The thought of him and Robert in the bed in less than an hour popped into his head. He didn’t know if he’ll be good enough for all this, for him.
Tucking into the pack of beers he picked up on the way; he ran a hand over the soft sheets before lying down on top of them. He positioned himself in the middle of the bed and stared upwards. Faint patterns filled the cream ceiling circling around a dangling light fixture in the centre. It was different, so it was good.
He zoned out for a while, not hearing the door being unlocked and opened. Not hearing Robert stepping in.
“Are you okay?”
Surprised by his voice, he jilted up, raising himself onto his elbows. Tension eased out when he saw it was Robert standing there.
He walked closer to the bed, perching down on the edge. “Nervous?” he asked, sensing Aaron’s jumpiness.
“Yeah. A bit,” Aaron answered truthfully.
“Let’s have a drink then,” Robert declared whilst reaching for Aaron’s pack of beer, immediately opening a can and taking a generous sip. Sitting up to pick up his own opened can, Aaron followed suit.
They spent the next hour or so just sitting there on the bed, drinking and chatting, making Aaron feel more at ease.
Eventually talking turned into kissing. Doing what they’ve done many times before. Lying on the bed fully clothed, kissing passionately and pulling each other as close as possible.
Gently Rob peeled himself back, breaking the kiss, “You ready?”
Nerves ran back up his spine at the question, “I uh…”
When he doesn’t finish his sentence, Robert takes his face in his hands, “It’s okay, we’ll take it slow.” Resulting in a nod from Aaron. Robert leans back in to give him another nip on the lips before asking casually, “Did you bring stuff?”
“Yeah,” he answers quietly. “You?”
A chuckle escapes Roberts lips, relaxing Aaron a bit more, “Yeah I did.”
Robert then moved off the bed to open his duffel he’d left by the door grabbing a smaller black bag from within. Aaron leant over to remove the plastic bag from his backpack which was on the floor by his side of the bed.
“I wasn’t exactly sure of what to bring,” Aaron shyly admits.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Robert tries assuring him.
He felt the dip beside him as Robert sat back down on the bed, Aaron then turning to face him, mirroring his position. They are now both sat cross-legged on the bed opposite each other, bags in hands.
“Let’s compare shall we,” Robert said with a suggestive tone whilst tipping out the contents of the black bag between them, trying to encourage Aaron to empty out his own supplies from the plastic bag he was clutching with a tight grip.
Aaron picked up one of Robert’s items, a small cardboard box, dropping his own bag on the sheets. Condoms. They were condoms. ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
Next, he lifted a tube from the pile, reading the word ‘strawberry’ on the front of it, as Robert took the plastic bag, turning it upside-down to shake out its contents.
“What is this? Some sort of drink?” Aaron asked confused.
“What? No. It’s lube Aaron,” he stated with a look that said it was obvious.
“Right. Yeah. Course.” He tried to play it off.
Robert went back to inspecting Aaron’s items, expecting similar ones to his. He was more than a bit surprised when he read the word paracetamol, the small cardboard boxes that he’d assumed would be condoms, were painkillers.
“Painkillers? What are these for?” he quizzes Aaron.
“Well… for the pain…” Aaron now returning the ‘that’s obvious’ look.
‘Did he think it was going to hurt? Is that why he’s never wanted to do it before?’ Robert thinks as he goes for the next items. Confusion was now becoming tenfold. He’d brought bandages, small washcloths, cotton pads and wipes.
“And what are these for?” he enquired having absolutely no idea what all these could possibly be for.
“For the blood,” Aaron answered innocently.
“What blood?” Robert was completely dumbfounded.
“You know… The blood that comes out after you’ve… you know… had sex,” he explained.
“Aaron, you don’t bleed.”
“Yes you do,” he argues quite adamantly. He knows you do. He doesn’t get why Robert’s saying you don’t.
“No. You don’t,” he tells the younger man. “That’d only happen if you were into like rough sex or something.”
“Oh…”
“Yeah, like really rough sex that’s too much or, you know, being forced…” Robert trails off as Aaron adverts his eyes.
“Right,” he utters, not looking at Robert.
Robert just stares at Aaron, trying to read him, a penny starting to drop, “Aaron?”
No answer.
He spoke cautiously, “Aaron? Have you… Did… did something happen to you?”
No answer.
“Aaron?”
Suddenly Aaron started moving again, haphazardly trying to pick up the items and shove them into his backpack, “Just forget it.”
“Aaron?” he tried again.
“Let’s just forget this. It was a stupid idea.”
Gently placing a hand on his arm, Aaron froze. His eyes were still downwards as Robert’s were searching for them. “Aaron, please talk to me.”
“Can’t,” he admits.
“You can,” Rob calmly argues.
There was a moment of silence before Aaron whispers, “I can’t.”
“Aaron, please,” his voice was gentle, his touch was soft on his skin. “Did something happen to you?” he tries again.
He still can’t look at him, but he finds himself nodding. It started as a small slow nod, then growing faster as tears fell from his eyes, sobs escaping his throat. Suddenly he was pulled forward, his chin clashing with Robert’s shoulder, his arms wrapped around his back, firm and perfect. He found himself reaching his own arms around Robert’s back, gripping his fingers in the fabric. Burying his nose further into his neck, his tears instantly dampened the fabric of Robert’s shirt.
They stayed like that, Robert holding Aaron tightly as he cried his heart out.