Chapter Text
Eddie became very good at fading into the background in high school. It was a skill born of necessity, mostly. No one could question him like that. He wasn’t bad in school. Not exactly good, either. Good enough to keep his mother happy, but not good enough to garner much attention from anyone. Still, he did have a soft spot for the young teacher who’d transferred to the school halfway through the year, all bright smiles and sparkling blue eyes, a soothing bass voice- his English teacher. There was something about him that made English – one of Eddie’s least favourite subjects up until that point – into something fascinating. Eddie, and quite a few other students, hung off his every word, eagerly listening to any and all small anecdotes he would tell about his days in college, his partner- anything. Class was electric and Eddie caught himself genuinely trying for the first time. It felt- well, having the attention of those blue eyes was a little addictive, but Eddie didn’t allow himself to think further on that.
Still, he faded into the background most days. It was a matter of survival, too- people just assumed that his puberty hit him quite late- and that was true, in a way, the still slightly more experimental testosterone was working, but only slowly. When the voice of almost every other boy in Eddie’s class had dropped entirely, Eddie’s had only just started squeaking a bit. He wasn’t really questioned for it- not really- but there’d been more than one comment that sent an ice-cold shiver down his spine.
It wasn’t that he didn’t have any friends- although friends was a bit of a stretch, really. He was tolerated by the other boys in his class- the girls didn’t look at him twice, most days. He stuck to the margins. It was easier that way.
That is, until he met Shannon.
He first met her at the lake just a few acres behind his parents’ house. He’d snuck out with a couple of boys from his homeroom- it was a warm summer afternoon, Eddie was fifteen, he’d found a single beard hair on his chin that morning and he felt, for the first time in a long while, a little bit alive.
She had always been much cooler than him, that was as true then as it was in their eventual marriage. She’d been surrounded by people, laughing and Eddie- he’d been captivated. There was something about her, the brightness of her smile, a spark of defiance that was completely and utterly fascinating to him.
They didn’t talk much that first day. Eddie just managed to get up the courage to talk to her, but by the time that happened he knew he would have to sneak back soon. Part of him thought he’d probably never see her again- and there was an ache in his chest, at that. He had wanted to get to know her, had wanted to ask her questions, listen to her talk about whatever fantasy series she’d been going on about for hours.
He did see her again, though. Back then he’d thought it was a sign from the universe- now he knows those don’t exist, that all fate or destiny is, is a bright yellow blouse and blood spread over the pavement. That all it is, is a lifeless corpse hanging off a ladder, lightning crackling in the sky.
So, it was coincidence, chance, that brought them back together. Eddie had been doing ballroom dancing for years. Before they’d moved into a different part of the city, away from their old neighbourhood, his old teacher had always let him lead- there were never enough boys and she’d been known to show up at ballroom competitions hand in hand with her partner, a woman with short cropped hair and a perpetual grin on her face.
His new dance class was- different, to say the least. Stricter, certainly. The freedom that Eddie had associated with dancing, the rush of joy he felt every time he spun the girl he was paired up with around was replaced with a creeping sense of pressure.
Then, about a year after the move, his class gained a new pupil- Shannon. At the time, Eddie’s old dance partner had quit and- suddenly, he was talking to Shannon twice a week, before class, after class, during competitions- all of it.
And it was- fucking wonderful. She became his first real friend, his best friend. Over the span of just a few months they became inseparable. It was a bit of a strange thing, really- two lonely kids finding each other, clinging to each other too tightly. They were together constantly, at competitions, at dance recitals, at his parents’ house, at Shannon’s place.
And they were good. Really good. Good enough that Eddie’s mother smiled at him so broadly. Good enough that Eddie’s father grumbled out a ‘well done’ when Eddie came home with trophies upon trophies. Good enough that both his parents finally seemed to care about something that wasn’t hiding the thing he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.
It did become a double-edged sword, though. Now that there was something Eddie was good at, his parents ramped up their encouragement- to the point that Eddie didn’t want it anymore. He didn’t want the backside-coaching. He didn’t want the disapproving glances when he and Shannon didn’t end up winning the prize. He didn’t want to go to dance class anymore. He didn’t want the dangerous closeness of Shannon pressed against him, against the tight compress he wore around his chest every day.
When Eddie told his parents he wanted to quit ballroom, he said it was because his doctor had finally found someone to do his top surgery. That was part of it, sure, but really, Eddie just didn’t want to anymore.
The first week in El Paso Buck goes completely radio silent and Eddie worries so much he almost gets on a plane right back to L.A. He’s checking out flight prices when he finally gets a message- from the wrong Buckley, though. Maddie sends him a photo of Buck, pointing a cup measurement at the camera, in her kitchen, wearing one of the aprons Eddie and Chris had gotten him years ago. The sight makes Eddie’s heart clench in a way he doesn’t know how to articulate, really.
Please call my idiot brother, he’s using up all my flour. Also I hope you’re doing well and Texas isn’t too hot, is the message Maddie sends him.
The phone is in Eddie’s hand and he’s facetimed Buck before he can so much as think about it. The few seconds it takes for the ringing to start are excruciating to Eddie, he feels a little like someone’s ripped out a limb, like he’s missing some vital part of himself.
He knows Buck’s not on shift today- they still share a digital calendar and one of the first things Eddie did after making sure his new house didn’t fall apart around him was to hang up his calendar on the fridge and update Buck’s shifts. He’s always been meticulous about his calendar- it’s colour-coded, green for anything with Chris, blue for Buck, red for himself. It’s perfectly up to date, still.
Finally, Buck answers.
‘H-hey man,’ he says and Eddie feels like he can breathe again. There’s some shuffling and Eddie realises that Buck’s set him down on the counter in the kitchen, an open box on the island.
‘Hey,’ Eddie says. ‘Maddie said you were annoying her.’
Buck freezes.
‘I- she did?’
‘Well, she said you were using up all her flour. You baking again?’
‘Ah- yeah, I guess,’ Buck says, his back to the camera as he gets out a few utensils from the box. Eddie frowns.
‘I thought- I thought you were good about the whole Tommy thing?’
Buck whirls around.
‘What- how do you know about that?’
Now Eddie’s really confused.
‘Know about what?’
The expression on Buck’s face is a little priceless, like Eddie’s accidentally walked in on him jerking off to like whale song or something- not that Eddie thinks about Buck jerking off.
‘Buck?’
His best friend groans.
‘Fuck man, I really was hoping you wouldn’t hear about this.’
The words hit Eddie right in the chest, lodging there, like a barbed blade. Why does the possibility of Buck keeping a secret from him feel like he’s bleeding out?
‘W-what?’ he asks, and he knows he sounds hurt- and Buck knows, too, by the expression on his face.
‘No- no that- that’s not what I meant.’
‘I thought we were done with- keeping shit from each other-’
‘No, Eds,’ Buck says, slumping against the kitchen island and if Eddie squints, he can pretend he’s there with him, across from Buck, watching his body deflate. ‘I didn’t- it’s just, I was really stupid.’
Eddie raises an eyebrow.
‘So?’
‘Well, maybe I don’t want you to think I’m a pathetic loser.’
Eddie snorts despite himself.
‘Dude,’ he says. ‘That’s not news to me.’
‘Fucking rude, man.’
Eddie watches the slump of Buck’s shoulders, his fingers twitching- this isn’t a moment to joke, he realises.
‘Buck,’ he says, quietly, trying to place as much honesty into his voice as possible. ‘I’m joking. You- I don’t think there’s anything you could do that’d actually make me think you’re pathetic.’
‘But you do think I’m a loser?’
Eddie shrugs, smiling at the soft, gentle glint in Buck’s eyes.
‘Well, yeah,’ he says. ‘But if you’re a loser, I’m like five times as bad.’
Buck giggles a little and Eddie feels a bit like cotton candy, floating on a cloud. Why is he craving juice?
‘Alright, so we’re both losers,’ Buck says.
‘Yeah,’ Eddie says, leaning forward and winking at the camera. ‘Just two losers. Now tell me what happened.’
‘Y0u’re not allowed to make fun of me.’
‘Uh, no, I absolutely am allowed to make fun of me. Best friend privilege.’
‘Fine, then I won’t tell you.’
‘Yeah, you will.’
Buck narrows his eyes at Eddie for a few long seconds, sighs and looks up at the ceiling.
‘I slept with Tommy.’
Eddie frowns.
‘Well, I mean you guys were dating for a while so I-’
‘No, I mean,’ Buck says, still staring at the ceiling. ‘I slept with him- like five days ago.’
Eddie sees red.
‘What?’
‘I know, I know, it was stupid- I know, okay?’
There’s something happening in Eddie’s stomach, something awful and harsh and he feels a little like throwing up, a little like finding Tommy fucking Kinard and punching him in his stupid fucking face.
‘Woah,’ he says, voice strangled. ‘How- how’d that happen?’
‘I didn’t call him, if that’s what you’re worried about.’
Eddie lets out a non-committal grunt. He’s not sure he can keep the awful thing building up in his stomach down otherwise.
‘Right- Ravi and I were out at the bar and- I guess I was pretty drunk and I was annoying him or something- he didn’t even want to hear my story about the time you took a boot off the car and that’s such a cool story- anyway, we were playing quarters and he went to get more drinks and he comes back with Tommy- and just kinda abandons me.’
Eddie’s halfway through mentally drafting an extremely pissed off text to Ravi, but Buck keeps going.
‘So he sits down and is like, how’s stuff, I’ve been thinking about calling you, blah blah.’
‘Ugh.’
‘Look- I know, but I was drunk and kinda lonely-’
‘Wait- was he sober?’
‘No, no, nothing like that- we were both drunk.’
Eddie grimaces.
‘Still,’ he grumbles. ‘I don’t get why he can’t just leave you alone.’
Buck narrows his eyes at him.
‘He told me something, actually,’ Buck says. ‘You stopped talking to him when we broke up- he didn’t even know you moved.’
Eddie shrugs.
‘Well, he was a dick to you,’ he says, although he’s confused by the way Buck’s staring at him, calculating and a little- intrigued? Eddie feels a little hot under his gaze. ‘I didn’t stay friends with Taylor when she fucked you over either.’
‘You were never friends with Taylor, Eddie.’
‘I don’t know what to tell you, bud, I just didn’t feel like hanging out with the guy that couldn’t even give you a good reason for dumping you on the spot.’
Buck’s staring at him some more and Eddie- god, Eddie wishes, more than anything, to be in the same room as his best friend. He can’t decipher Buck’s expression like this, not really- he just knows it makes him feel hot, watched, a little dangerous, a little deliciously forbidden. There’s a tug in his gut and part of him wants to reach through the phone and pull Buck closer and closer, feel his strong arms around his body again, feel the adrenaline spike the way it did when Buck held him, just a week ago, in the rain outside the house that used to be Eddie’s.
‘Thanks,’ Buck says, quietly, something unnamable lacing his voice. ‘That’s- you-’
‘You don’t need to thank me for that,’ Eddie mumbles. ‘It was kinda selfish of me.’
‘Selfish?’
Eddie shrugs again.
‘I kinda hate that fucker, if I’m honest.’
Buck lets out a guffaw so loud it startles Eddie out of the strange tension in his veins.
‘Eddie!’
‘What? First he dumps you on the first date, then he keeps calling you Evan, then he’s weird at Chris’s birthday- and then he dumps you again with the weirdest excuse? Fuck him, honestly.’
‘I mean- I didn’t stop him from calling me Evan.’
‘Yeah but you made a face every time he did.’
‘I- maybe it was supposed to be romantic.’
‘Buck,’ Eddie says. ‘If you cringe every time he calls you that it’s not fucking romantic.’
‘Not every time-’
‘Often enough for me to notice,’ Eddie says, crossing his arms.
Buck shakes his head, laughing quietly.
‘I don’t think anyone else noticed,’ he says, so soft Eddie’s not sure if Buck wanted him to hear. ‘Anyway- we came back here, had- you know-’
‘Wait,’ Eddie says. ‘In my house?’
Buck grimaces.
‘Look- I don’t feel great about it, either.’
Eddie’s going to kill Thomas Kinard. He’s going to find him and he’s going to bury him alive.
‘In my house,’ he says again.
‘If it makes you feel better I told him to fuck off the morning after.’
‘A little,’ Eddie says. ‘How’d that happen?’
Buck’s spine goes a little rigid and Eddie narrows his eyes- the sex isn’t the secret, apparently. There’s something more here, something Buck’s not telling him.
‘Spill,’ he says. ‘Or I won’t tell you about the squirrel nest in my attic.’
Buck blinks.
‘You- just told me about them.’
‘Well, I won’t send you pictures then. They have babies.’
‘You think you can tempt me with baby squirrels?’
‘Yes,’ Eddie says, shrugging. ‘Tell me.’
Buck groans.
‘Fuck you,’ he grumbles. ‘Fine. I woke up and he was like- doing some shit in the kitchen, I think he was making breakfast but all he bought was like- wine or something. And I thought for a bit, hey, maybe this is- this is what I was waiting for right- maybe he wants to be with me for real this time-’
‘Buck-’
‘I know, I know,’ Buck says. ‘Trust me, that’s never happening. But he asked me out on a date and was like- he’s not ready to move in but he could do a date and see what happens and all that.’
‘Why was he cool with that all of a sudden?’
‘That’s what I thought! So I ask him, like- do you not think I’m gonna break your heart anymore? And this- this fucker says Now that the competition is out of the way.’
‘Huh? What?’
‘The competition is out of the way.’
Eddie blinks for a few long seconds, watching Buck’s face, when suddenly the penny drops.
‘Wait, me?’
Buck nods.
‘Yeah, that’s what he was implying – and he went on this whole spiel about how I’m living in your house and I was like it’s not your house you’re just renting it and anyway you’re straight and like- he scoffed? He like actually scoffed in my face? And then- well, I said some shit – honestly, I don’t really remember what I said, but I told him to get the fuck out, basically.’
Eddie barely hears what Buck says. His mind is buzzing, loud and insistent, like he’s back there, stuck running away from the bees and the word competition swirls around his head, getting louder and louder and louder.
‘So, yeah, I don’t want anything to do with that fucker ever again,’ Buck says, shaking his head.
‘That- that’s- that’s so stupid,’ Eddie says.
‘Yeah! Exactly!’
‘Like- what the fuck- who the fuck does he think he is,’ Eddie continues, blinking, shaking his head, to get just one thought out past the racing of his heart. ‘Like- like there’d ever be a competition between him and me.’
The words tumble out of his mouth before Eddie can really register what he’s said. Buck stares at him, slack-jawed, but Eddie’s possessed by- something, maybe the phantom bees driving him insane, maybe by the fact that he hasn’t talked to Buck in a week.
‘Like- he thinks the fucking six months you dated is the same thing as- what we have- years. You saved my life.’
‘Eds,’ Buck says softly. ‘You restarted my heart.’
‘Right!’ Eddie says, a little crazed, starting to pace with the phone in his hand. ‘Like- you’re in my will. He could- he could never compete with that. Fucker.’
Buck swallows so loud Eddie can hear it even over the tinny speaker.
‘There’s no competition,’ he says, softly. ‘Of course there isn’t. He- he could never be you.’
The awful, red, hot, all-encompassing monster inside of Eddie settles down at Buck’s words.
‘Good- cool,’ he says, quietly. ‘If- if he’s not cool with us, he’s not the person for you.’
Buck huffs.
‘Yeah, definitely not the guy for me,’ he says. ‘Good riddance.’
Eddie laughs, a little shaky.
‘Fuck yeah,’ he says. ‘So that’s why you’ve been MIA all week?’
Buck sighs.
‘Kind of,’ he says, quietly. ‘I just- I don’t know, I couldn’t sleep here, and it felt like- if I called you- if I unpacked, I’d admit that you and Chris are really gone.’
Eddie feels like someone’s taken his heart and ripped it into pieces.
‘Buck,’ he says, softly. ‘You know-’
‘I know, I know, I’m making it about myself-’
‘No, that’s not what I was going to say.’
‘Oh?’
‘You- you know I didn’t want to, either? I just have to be where Chris is. I can’t parent via facetime.’
Buck smiles sadly.
‘I know,’ he whispers. ‘So, how’s that going?’
Things go back to normal- kind of, at least, after that. Eddie and Buck talk every day, for several hours and it’s not the same, it really isn’t, but it’s something, at least. Eddie goes through the motions, a little, mostly spends his time fixing his house, trying to get through to to Chris and calling Buck. His parents are distant, in a fake-loving kind of way. It feels familiar, the fake smiles and empty platitudes his mother showers him in. It’s similar to the summer Eddie spent mostly indoors, away from his friends, his parents feigning an illness to cover up his healing process. He was too scared to walk around shirtless for years until the scars in his chest faded into thin white lines. When he came back to school, at the beginning of his sophomore year of high school, his voice had finally dropped a little and he didn’t have to rush to the bathroom to change his shirt anymore. So, when the baseball captain with the wild curly hair and the broad grin asked him about joining the team, he did it without a second thought. Shannon, who’d been away with her mother all summer, visiting family, found a new partner and Eddie was still her best friend. So, really, it was all fine.
Things did change, eventually. Talking to Shannon became something his baseball friends started to tease Eddie about after he passed the initial few weeks of new-guy ribbing. Eddie hadn’t ever thought of her like that- it just didn’ make any sense to him. Sure, she was funny and he loved being around her. She was his best friend, she knew him better than most people. But the idea of kissing her? It felt… strange. Still, there was a glint in the team captain’s eyes as he teased Eddie about becoming a man. He wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but it felt- well, it felt like a challenge.
In the end, people just expected things to change. So they did. Suddenly, Shannon wasn’t his best friend, she was his girlfriend, suddenly they needed to stay downstairs instead of being in Eddie’s room to play video games. Suddenly, Eddie found himself sneaking out when his mother and sisters were asleep, meeting Shannon in her mother’s beat up old pick up truck she’d gotten for her seventeenth birthday.
Eddie liked kissing, that much he realised. Their first kiss had been a dare- some stupid game after a baseball match. It hadn’t made Eddie feel much more than slightly confused. He hadn’t really known what was going on, or what he was supposed to do- but still, once they got the hang of it, it was nice. He was never really able to completely turn his brain off. Sometimes he’d find himself thinking of practice, the way his batting partner had grinned at him after a good play, the way the team captain had pulled Eddie into his side with a broad grin, his English teacher’s soothing voice, but he chalked that up to just not being particularly good at kissing yet.
Still, he liked kissing. It was soft and warm and Shannon smelled good. She never pushed for more and Eddie didn’t really want anything more, either. Not that that mattered, in the eyes of every one of his friends, the ones who asked him constantly if they’d finally done it. So, it was inevitable, kind of, as much as Eddie dreaded it. But that was normal, obviously. Everyone felt like this- and besides, his situation was just different. So- it was normal.
One night, long months into dating Shannon, Eddie had snuck out after his mother had gone to bed- his father on another one of his business trips. He met up with Shannon in her mom’s old pick-up truck, the one that she was allowed to borrow sometimes because Shannon’s mother was what Shannon called a ‘free spirit’ and what Eddie’s mom called ‘loose’.
They were supposed to watch the stars together- that was the plan, at least. But the excuse felt flimsy, after months of outside pressure and suddenly Eddie found himself with Shannon in his lap, her hands in his hair, her breath coming shakily, softly.
‘I need to tell you something,’ Eddie said, his hands shaking on Shannon’s shoulders. ‘Before- before we do this.’
The night air around them was filled with chirping cicadas, the stars shone behind Shannon, bathing her in a soft light. Eddie felt a tug in his chest, looking at her. She looked beautiful like this, in a strangely melancholic way. Like Eddie wasn’t supposed to look at her properly. Like she was too far away from him to ever be able to touch her.
‘I- me too,’ Shannon whispered, and Eddie finally realised she was shaking, too. ‘It might change the way you feel about me.’
He blinked.
‘My thing- too.’
Silence settled on the back of the pickup truck, only broken by the sounds of the forest around them.
‘You go,’ Eddie said, scratching at his chin nervously. His stubble still grew in patches and he’d forgotten to shave this morning and it was itchy.
‘Ah- okay,’ Shannon said, climbing off of his lap and laying back down on the blankets spread out in the truck, staring at the sky. Eddie watched her for a few moments.
‘Can you not look at me?’
Swallowing, Eddie laid down next to her, eyes fixed on the stars.
‘We don’t have to do this,’ he whispers.
Shannon shook her head.
‘I- I think I want to know what it’s like.’
Eddie did understand that- no one would shut up about sex at this point. It felt like- if he didn’t try it, and try it soon, he’d just- well, he’d fail in some weird cosmic way.
‘Okay.’
‘I just- I don’t know how to say this. I’ve never had to.’
‘Say what?’
Shannon sighed and Eddie bumped his shoulder against hers.
‘I’ve never had to explain how I- how all of this works.’
A strange feeling of premonition shook Eddie, but he couldn’t place it.
‘How what works?’
Shannon sighed.
‘My body.’
‘Your body?’
‘Yeah.’
‘But- it’s a body. You eat and breathe and sleep?’
Shannon snorted. ‘Well, yes. But- okay- if we- do it, you should know, I- look, I wasn’t- people didn’t always think I was a girl.’
Eddie went completely rigid next to Shannon.
‘W-what?’
Eddie could hear Shannon let out a shuddering, shaky breath. Her hands were probably getting clammy the way they did when she and Eddie were about to perform together.
‘I- I wasn’t always Shannon.’
What the fuck.
‘Y-you,’ Eddie said, beginning to turn his head.
‘No, don’t- don’t look at me,’ she said, her voice tight. ‘You- we can forget about this, if you want- I get- if you don’t want to - or if you want to like- break up, I guess-’
‘What?’ Eddie asked, staring up at the stars, his hands twitching. ‘I don’t- no, I don’t want that. I just- I didn’t know-’
‘That was possible?’
Eddie shook his head vehemently.
‘I didn’t know I wasn’t the only one.’
Shannon whipped her head around to him and Eddie ignored her request, this time, meeting her gaze.
‘What do you mean?’ she asked, her voice quivering.
‘I wasn’t always Eddie either,’ he said, eyes wide, hands shaking. It felt like the sky was crashing down around them.
‘Holy shit,’ Shannon said. ‘Are- are you-’
‘I was gonna tell you that if we do this, my- well, the stuff down there might be kind of surprising,’ Eddie said, deadpan. ‘Guess we’re both a surprise.’
Shannon stared at him and Eddie remembers feeling- whole, for a few moments. She looked at him, with wide eyes, and he found kinship in that. He found someone to cling to, someone who clung right back, in those days.
Their first time wasn’t particularly good. They fumbled through it, awkward and inexperienced. But it felt sweet- it felt real, realer than anything Eddie had experienced. When he got his fingers to cooperate, when made Shannon moan, soft and surprised, when he felt her shudder against him, all soft edges and sweaty long hair falling into her face, he felt like he was doing something right.
It didn’t matter that much that he didn’t really get the bone-shaking feeling everyone seemed to be so obsessed with. It was fine. Sex was fine. He was fine. They were fine. And after they did it a few times, Eddie figured out how to use his hands properly- his mouth- when he figured out he liked the feeling of something inside of him, but only after swearing Shannon to secrecy- well, things were fine.
That is, until he spent a week towards the end of his senior year bent over the toilet bowl every morning before practice. Things were fine until the fourth pregnancy test was positive and Eddie was standing in the bathroom, miles away from where his mom had told him that he’d get used to it all eventually and he didn’t. Things were fine until Eddie realised the condoms hadn’t fucking worked.