Archive of Our Own ^beta

Lister grinned at the sight that greeted him as he returned to the bunk room. 

“So this is why you told me to smeg off earlier.” He said, his smile growing wider. “You were planning a surprise.”

His holographic husband-to-be was standing in their small kitchenette, wearing the novelty apron Lister had gotten him several Christmases ago. Rimmer had called it terrible and tasteless at the time but had apparently kept it all the same.

He was unfortunately wearing the sexy apron over his usual shiny blue uniform and appeared to be in the middle of cooking. But Lister could fix that.

Rimmer turned to greet him with his usual frown. “What did you say to Kryten?” He asked, ignoring Lister’s statement as he bristly whisked something in a mixing bowel. “He's been nice to me all day. He even called me Arnold. This new head of his is weird, I think it’s defective.”

Before fixing the mechanoid, Lister had had a long soppy conversation with Kryten about Rimmer and the importance of their upcoming wedding. But he couldn't tell Rimmer that. He'd get a fat head.

“I made him my best mechanoid.” Lister said with a shrug. “I think he's on board with the wedding now.” He added with another smile, walking over to hug the hologram.

“Well that's something I guess.” Sighed Rimmer, pressing a kiss to Lister’s cheek.

“Here, taste this.” He added, holding out the whisk for Lister to lick. It was covered in what appeared to be red and green cake batter.

Lister paused, but only momentarily. It had taken years but Rimmer had gotten much better at baking. They hardly ever needed to induce vomiting after one of his desserts now. 

“What is it?” Lister asked, already sticking a finger directly into the mixing bowel.

Rimmer gave him a long suffering look that said you are disgusting and hit him lightly with the whisk. “I’m trying out wedding cake flavours.” He explained. “Vindaloo and pistachio, just for you miladdo.” He said, over pronouncing the word pistachio with that nasally flare of his.

Lister grinned as he licked his finger clean.

“Is it spicy enough Listy?” Asked Rimmer anxiously, looking rather like a man who had been given a choice between standing in front of a firing squad or competing in the final of the Great British Bake Off and was now wishing for the blindfold now the judges had appeared. “The last batch of cupcakes nearly burnt the Cat’s eyebrows off.”

“It’s smashing.” Replied Lister, his lips tingling as he leaned in close for a fiery kiss. “But I thought you wanted a traditional wedding cake? Fruit and marzipan?” He asked as they broke apart.

Rimmer grinned. “That’s the beauty of an intimate wedding. Since the wedding party’s so small, I’m making a cake for each of us. Fruit cake for me, raspberry cream for the Cat and.” He paused and waved a the whisk in the direction of the mixing bowl.

Lister nodded, understanding. He bit his lip. “Could you bake a forth cake?”

“I suppose I can try.” Rimmer agreed, easily. He was really enjoying all this wedding planning lark. “Do you think Kryten’s new head likes nuts and bolts too?”

“Actually I was thinking something more like cottage cheese and pineapple?” Lister said, as he carefully removed the bowl and whisk from Rimmer’s hands, putting them on the counter.

Rimmer’s eyebrows arched. 

“Cottage cheese and pineapple?” He repeated, his smile fading. His lip wobbled. “You don’t mean? Kochanski?” 

Lister nodded, guilty. “Kryten helped me send the invite.”

“Of course he did. That git.” Sighed Rimmer. “And I thought we were finally getting along.”

“Don’t blame Kryten. It was my idea.” Lister admitted. “I borrowed one of the invites you were going to send the vending machines.”

Rimmer frowned. “You’re serious.” He said, the disbelief clear on his face.

Lister nodded.

“You invited her? You actually invited her?” Rimmer said, his voice getting louder and louder as he pulled at his hair. “To our wedding?”

Lister stared at the floor. “I just wanted me mam at me wedding.” He said wringing his hands together. He’d known Rimmer wouldn’t be pleased, but he hadn’t expected this reaction. He shrugged. “What's so wrong about that?”

Rimmer paused in his ranting and shot Lister a scathing look. “Most people haven’t dated their own mothers.”

“I didn’t date her!” Lister protested. “I only dated the other Krissie. The original one. And only briefly.”

Rimmer huffed and folded his arms. Deep down he knew Lister was telling the truth. He had all of Nano Rimmer’s memories in his head. He knew what had happened while he’d been gone. “You wanted her though, Oedipus.” He spat, though with little venom. 

Lister sighed. “I chose you.” He said because it was true. “I love ya, Arn.” He added pulling Rimmer into his arms. “No matter who attends I’m marrying you, you goit.”

“Then why invite her?” Asked Rimmer, confused. 

“It’s normal to want your family at weddings.” Lister explained gently.

Rimmer hummed, digesting his words. “Isn’t it enough that your father’s coming to the wedding?”

“Do you think that’s wise?” Asked Lister, staring up at Rimmer. “I know for a fact he’s madly in love with ya.”