Archive of Our Own ^beta

October 10th

“Now’s not really a good time,” Paddy rushes out, glancing back over his shoulder into the front room. He whispers something that Aaron can’t quite hear before he’s facing Aaron again with a strained smile. 

“We’re uh, we’re just sitting down to eat so…I’ll tell him you stopped by though, yeah?”

Aaron lets out a defeated sigh but shoves his hands in his jacket pocket and nods once. “Yeah, that’d be great, Paddy. Thanks.”

He turns to leave and makes it down one step before he turns back around just before Paddy can close the door. “He’s doing alright though, isn’t he?” The words leave his body in a rush and leave him feeling breathless. “I mean…you’d say if he was…not doing great. You’d tell me, right?”

Paddy’s eyes flit around for a second before he moves out onto the front steps and pulls the door shut behind him. “Aaron, you’re my son and I love you. You know I do.” Paddy twists his hands together in front of him but his eyes never leave Aaron’s. “What happened to…what happened to Robert isn’t something that can just be fixed in a few weeks. He’s gonna need time. A lot of time, probably, to figure things out. He was hurt and he was broken. Everything that happened; you, John, your mum, and Victoria. It all just got a bit too much.”

He sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth, the frigid air biting at his cheeks and the tip of his nose. “I never meant—“

“I know ya didn’t,” Paddy assures him. “And Robert does too. He does. He just —“

“He what, Paddy?” Aaron groans out in frustration.

Paddy sighs and it’s the first sign for Aaron that things are a lot worse than he thought. “He doesn’t trust anyone right now, Aaron. For him…he was let down and betrayed by the ones that were supposed to love him the most. It’s gonna take him a while to feel comfortable again. Comfortable around people, that is.”

Aaron can’t even remember the last time Robert’s ever felt uncomfortable around him. They’d always been so good together, so perfect and so intense. Now, he’s barely even laid one eye on Robert since he’d been released from prison three weeks ago. The longest three weeks of his life if he were being honest. He just wants to make sure that Robert’s doing okay and he can’t even do that without one of his guard dogs warning him off. At least Paddy was a bit nicer about it than Mack, Matty, or even Mandy. Aaron hadn’t even realized Mandy cared that much about Robert until he’d started staying at her and Paddy’s. Now, he’s lucky to even step foot on the porch without Mandy biting his head off.

“I’ve been listening to that poor man crying his eyes out when he thinks we’re all asleep. I love you, Aaron, but you’re only gonna make it worse. Go home.”

Her words still haunt him even two weeks later as he gives Paddy a defeated nod, turns on the icy steps, and trudges back through the snow to where Mack is waiting with his jacket pulled tightly around his chest and his crutches tucked under his armpits. He hears the door shut quietly behind him and stops when he’s standing in front of Mack. 

“And?”

Aaron nods solemnly. “You were right. He won’t even see me.”

Mack shakes his head with a mirthy chuckle. “He needs time, Aaron. I told you that.”

“Yeah, you did.” Aaron drags a hand down his face. “I just…I want to help him. I need to help him.”

“And I’ve already told you, this isn’t about what you need,” Mack snaps. “This is about Robert needing time to process through everything. Just like you had to. Only you didn’t have the whole village callin’ you a murderer or a jealous psychopath. It’s gonna take him a lot longer than it took you to be alright again.”

“I never said I was alright,” Aaron argues but he’s not really sure why. Mack knows he’s still struggling. “I just…I wasn’t on his side before, I wasn’t there for him, but I’m here now. And I...he needs me, Mack.”

His voice is thick to his own ears and he hates it. He’s so tired of crying. 

Mack reaches out and puts a hand on Aaron’s shoulder. “What he needs is time. And you need to accept that or you really will lose him forever.”

October 16th

He gets the first real glimpse of Robert nearly a week later and it makes his entire world shift off its axis. It’s not like he really planned it, despite what Mack might say later, it just sort of happened. 

He’d only been having a walk around the village, to get his blood pumping per doctors orders, when he spotted the mop of dirty blonde hair as Robert climbed out of the taxi stopped in front of Paddy’s. It stopped him where he stood and knocked the breath right out of his lungs. It was only for a moment, the back of Robert’s head and the hunch of his shoulders as he climbed the front steps and slipped inside the house without so much as a look back over his shoulder. It hurts, when Aaron remembers the times where they could practically feel the other one’s eyes on them. Could feel their gaze burning through to their soul. 

And now it’s like he doesn’t exist. 

October 27th

It’s a few days before Halloween when he hears Robert’s voice for the first time since the gorge. 

He’s in Hotten with his Mum and Eve trying to find the finishing touches on Eve’s Halloween costume, the six year old having very strong opinions on the type of wings that a fairy be allowed to have and not taking no for an answer. When his Mum rolls her eyes, he just snickers and nudges her shoulder when Eve takes her by the hand to pull her towards the costume shop. In all fairness, it’s not a large costume shop and it’s the only one close to town so he really shouldn’t be that surprised. 

“It’s not even his size, mate.”

He knows Robert’s voice better than he knows his own. He’s been dreaming about it every night for years but he’s never—it’s never sounded so hollow before. Never sounded so fragile.

“Ach, he’ll grow into it.”

Spinning on his heel, he sees Mackenzie sporting a shit-eating grin while holding up a costume against his body. He’s holding the arm out to the side to get a better gage of how big it is and laughs at whatever look Robert seems to be giving him. He’s hidden by a stack of boxes that look like they’re about to fall over any minute but Aaron knows he’s there. He always knows when Robert’s there.

He must make some sort of sound because the next thing he knows, Mackenzie’s head is turning towards him and his eyes widen when he locks eyes with Aaron.

Mack whips his head back towards Robert and gives him a shaky smile. “You mind checking if they have this in his size, actually? I’ve uh, I’ve gotta make a quick phone call.”

Aaron assumes that Robert agrees when Mack returns the costume to the rack and hobbles over to him.

“What’re ya doin’ here?” he asks with a quick glance back over his shoulder.

Aaron fights the urge to chase after Robert and ignore Mack altogether. “I’m uh…Eve needed something for her costume so Mum dragged me along. What’re you—Didn’t know you two were close enough for shopping trips an all.”

The look Mack gives him is one he’s seen a dozen times over the last few weeks and one that he’s really starting to tire of.

“Last minute costume trip cause during all the fuss, Charity forgot to get something for Moses,” he explains quickly. “So, I offered to take him to find something and Robert needed to get out of the house so I got him to agree to be my chauffeur. Then again, seeing as I’m one of oh, four people, that he’ll actually talk to, it wasn’t that hard to get him to agree.”

Aaron bites the inside of his cheek and nods. “Right. And uh, how’s he doing?”

Mack lets out a heavy sigh and scratches at his beard. “He’s doing about as well as can be. Not that I should be telling you, but we’ve found him a therapist to talk to so, he’s starting that up next week. Hopefully, he’ll be feeling at least a little bit better soon.”

“That’s good,” Aaron chokes out. He should be the one helping him. That’s his— “I just wanna know that he’s alright, ya know? I do still…I still care about him.”

“I know, mate. I know you do.” Mack claps him on the shoulder and squeezes. “I’ll see you later, yeah?”

He watches Mack’s back as he disappears into the maze of aisles and when his Mum finds him a few minutes later, she pulls him into her arms and holds him while he sobs against her shoulder. 

October 31st

He’s watching the screen so intensely that he can feel a small headache starting to form behind his eyes. The little icon on the screen has only moved a few inches since the last time he’s checked it but he can’t tear his eyes away no matter how hard he tries.

“Tell me you didn’t,” Mack’s voice startles him and when he turns around, the Scotsman is peering over his shoulder with a frown, a six-pack in a bag hooked over one wrist and a stack of movies balanced in the other arm

Aaron swallows thickly. “I honestly didn’t even realize I’d done it until I did it.”

Mack drops the movies onto the sofa beside Aaron and sets the six-pack down on the end table nearest the seat that he claims as his during their weekly movie nights. “Aaron, please tell me that you did not send Robert a present.”

“I ordered it last night when I was half asleep,” Aaron admits sheepishly. “I just…He loves Halloween. And he used to have this massive collection of classic monster movies that he’d make me watch every year but I’m not quite sure where they ended up after he got sent down. I saw an advert for a combo pack and I—well, it made sense at the time.”

He sees a look flash across Mack’s face, his lips tight and brow furrowed. It’s a look he’s been getting a lot of recently, and not just from Mack but from Paddy and Matty as well. He honestly never thought that those ones would be a part of the ‘Robert Sudden Protection Squad’ as Ross has started to call them, but he’s glad that Robert’s at least got a few good ones in his corner. But Mack’s his best mate. He’s supposed to be supportive for him.

“If this causes him more harm than good”—Mack sucks in a breath while gingerly lowering himself into his seat—“so help me, Aaron Dingle, I will throw you back down that gorge myself.”

He knows Mackenzie well enough to know he’s partially joking but he also sees the look of fury thats in his eyes and it startles Aaron. He’s never seen Mack look so protective when it wasn’t about his immediate family or Charity and Moses. 

Aaron nods. “I know, Mack. I’m sorry. I just—It’s all that I can do for him right now.”

Mack’s searching his face for something and he either must find what he was looking for or can’t be bothered anymore because eventually he sits back in the seat and gestures at Aaron to start up one of the movies he’d brought over. He takes a can from the pack and tosses it to Aaron before taking one for himself and cracking the tab.

He gets the text a few hours later from a number he doesn’t recognize but the context of the message tells him all he needs to know.

Thank you. Happy Halloween. - R

Early November

He doesn’t expect the texts to keep coming but he’s not exactly complaining either. Even if they are just small talk and nonsense. It’s more than enough to keep him going at this point.

Was Paddy’s snoring always this bad? - R

oh no. it’s gotten much much worse. - A

Right. Thought so. - R

I know its a long shot but you don’t by chance know if 

my winter boots are in storage somewhere. - R

yeah. i’ll send them with Mack later. - A

Ta - R

Knock knock. - A

What? - R

KNOCK KNOCK - A

Who’s there? - R

check outside you idiot - A

My pasta machine? - R

Mack mentioned you’ve been a bit stir crazy

since Moira still won’t let you back at work. - A

thought it might help - A

was i wrong? - A

Thank you - R

When he opens the door two days later to find several plastic tubs filled to the brims with a variety of pasta dishes, he chuckles a little to himself. There’s a Post-it stuck to the lid of the tub on top with handwritten reheating instructions which are then signed off with, ‘Mr. Sugden’. It warms a special place in Aaron’s heart.

And if he sees the shrub beside the porch jostle just as he looks over, well, he pays it no mind as he gathers up the dishes and carries them inside. 

November 16th

It’s not like they’ve been texting every day or anything but when three days go by without so much as a peep from Robert, Aaron can’t help but start to feel a tad bit unsettled. 

He’d gotten sort of used to seeing Robert’s number pop up on his screen or even the one time that Robert had actually dialed the number. Aaron listened to him breathe shakily on the other end of the phone for what felt like forever before he softly said, “It’s alright, Robert. You can hang up now. Goodnight.”

The phone call ended almost as quickly as it had began.

He brings it up to Mack while they’re both nursing a pint and people watching in the Woolie.

“Something just feels off, Mack,” Aaron presses again, trying to get his best mate to see things from his side for once. “I don’t—I don’t really know how to describe it but…things have been good lately and I thought that we were making progress and now…”

He trails off cause even he’s not sure what he was gonna say next. Yeah, things have been going really good and it’s giving him some hope, but he also knows that Robert is still working through a lot of issues. He’d hate to make an assumption that Robert is ready when he very clearly isn’t.

Mack sighs. “Things have been good. He’s talking a lot more, going out and about for provisions and such. I even got him to go on a walk with me if you can believe it.”

“Yes, but, how does he seem?” Aaron leans forward, arms stretched out on the table. “Have you seen him at all today?”

He sees the scrunch of Mack’s forehead and knows that he’s on the right track.

“Well, no, I guess not,” Mack admits with a frown. “I saw him on Friday but Matty was supposed to be—“

As if on cue, the pub doors burst open and Matty comes stumbling through. His frantic eyes search the surroundings until they land on Aaron and Mack and he rushes towards the pair of them. 

“You both need to come with me right now,” Matty says by way of greeting. His chest is heaving and his face is flushed. “It’s Robert.”

Tenant house is dimly lit save for the Christmas tree that Eve had insisted on putting up early. Aaron can just barely see in front of him enough to find his way to the staircase and climb to the top. He approaches the closed loo door where the sound of the shower can be heard from behind it, steam seeping out from beneath the door. He tries the knob but it’s just as Matty said, locked from the inside. 

“Robert?” Aaron raps his knuckles against the wood and speaks loud enough to hopefully be heard over the running water. “Robert, it’s Aaron. Can you open the door? We just wanna check that you’re alright.” He knocks again and again, jiggles the knob despite knowing it won’t budge, and growls in frustration as he slams his hand against the door. 

“Please, Robert, just open the door,” he begs, calling out even louder. “Just open the door so we can talk.”

“Matty, what happened?” He hears Mack ask from his spot against the wall. “He was doing fine this last week.”

Matty lets out a huff of breath. “I’ve got no idea. One second he’s rattling on about his mum and the next he’s flying up the stairs and locking himself away. I didn’t even realize this door could lock from the inside!”

Sarah.

Aaron drops his forehead against the door and lets out a sigh of frustration. How did he not remember? He knew today felt different but he just couldn’t put his finger on why and now—now he just feels like a complete idiot. If he’d just been paying more attention then maybe he could’ve prevented Robert’s obvious distress. He should’ve been paying closer attention. 

“November 16th.” Aaron turns to face the others with one hand still on the doorknob. “The day his Mum died. 25 years ago today. That’s why it felt weird today. It’s the anniversary of his mother’s death and I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to get him to flippin’ acknowledge me that I didn’t even realize. I’m so stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, Aaron,” Mack says, shaking his head. “There’s been so much going on these last few months it makes sense that something slipped through the cracks. It’s not your fault. Robert’s not your respo—“

“Yes, he is!” Aaron snaps. He can already feel the sting of the tears but he doesn’t have it in him to care. “Robert is my responsibility. He is everything to me, Mack. And I will not let him go through this alone. Not again.”

He doesn’t bother waiting for either of them to say anything, he turns back around and digs out the lock picking kit he’s got tucked away in his wallet. It only takes a second for him to effortlessly unlock the door before he’s pushing it open and rushing into the steam filled room.

“Robert!”

The curtain is pulled closed around the tub but Aaron can make out the outline of the body he knows better than his own. 

“Matty,” Aaron calls back over his shoulder, “grab him something to wear, yeah? Mack, put the kettle on for us, would ya?”

He’s grateful when neither of them argue, both fully aware that Aaron is much more suited to dealing with this particular situation than either of them would be. He approaches the bath and draws back the curtain slowly, the steam billowing out around him. When he looks down into the tub, his heart shatters inside his chest at the sight in front of him.

Robert is sat almost directly in the center of the tub, knees pulled to his chest and arms wrapped around them tightly. His head is bowed as the water rains down over him and when Aaron reaches to turn off the stream, the faucet is scalding to the touch.

“What the—“ He twists the nozzle quickly. “That’s scalding, Robert. What’d ya think you’re playing at, huh? You’re gonna burn off your skin or summat if you’re not careful.”

Aaron drops to his knees beside the tub and reaches up to pull one of the bath towels off of the rack, bringing it down to wrap around Robert’s trembling shoulders. The cool air from the hall is finally starting to make it’s presence known and with Robert being soaked through to the bones, it’s only a matter of time before he starts full body shivering where he sits. 

“Robert,” Aaron says gently, keeping his voice calm in case Robert’s still on edge. “Rob, it’s me. It’s Aaron. Can ya look at me? Tell me what’s goin’ on, yeah?”

It takes a second before Robert’s head turns and when his eyes meet Aaron’s, there’s a brief moment of recognition as Aaron gives him a small smile before the wall is crumbling down and Robert is reduced to tears. His body shakes with sobs that sound like they’re being pulled from somewhere deep, deep inside him. Aaron doesn’t even give it a second thought before he’s kicking off his trainers and climbing into the bath behind Robert. It’s awkward and a bit clumsy but he’s soon pulling Robert towards him so his back is flush with Aaron’s chest while Aaron wraps his arms around Robert, grabbing onto his shaking hands and squeezing tight.

November 17th

It’s late afternoon by the time Aaron wakes, Robert still fast asleep and curled up against his side in the bed that is definitely too small for two grown men. He’s got an arm thrown across Aaron’s waist and his hot breath is tickling the side of Aaron’s neck. Aaron breathes in deeply, the scent of Robert’s shower gel filling his lungs, and turns his head to press a kiss into Robert’s hair. He retrieves his mobile from the bedside table, careful not to jostle Robert, and powers it back on. At least a dozen messages and missed calls from his Mum and a couple surprising messages from Victoria as well.

Matty phoned to let me know about Robert. 

How is he doing? - V

Do I need to come back? - V

I should’ve called him about Mum. I’m 

sorry. - V

he’s doing alright now. crashed out

once I got him to calm down a bit.

no need to come back unless you

really want to. i think we’ll be 

okay. - A

you’ve got nothing to be sorry

about, vic. i’ll let you know

how he’s getting on when he

wakes up. - A

He types out another quick message to his Mum to let her know that he’s alright and that he won’t be back until later and then switches his phone back off and places it back on the side table. He settles back against the pillows, nuzzles his face against the top of Roberts head, and closes his eyes as he lets sleep overtake him once more.

November 20th

They finally have a chance to sit down and talk about everything a few days later. Robert had pulled away a bit after his breakdown and because Aaron didn’t want to push him before he was ready, he let him go without a fight. It definitely wasn’t easy, it never was when they were like this, but he knew it was what Robert needed at the time. So, when Robert appears in the backroom of the pub, patiently waiting with his hands in his pockets and head bowed, it definitely takes Aaron by surprise. 

“Hiya.”

Robert raises his head, green eyes meeting blue, and he offers Aaron a small wave and even smaller smile. “Hi,” he says quietly. “Sorry for just turnin’ up like this but your uh—your Mum said I could wait for you here.”

“You’re alright,” Aaron assures the older man with a smile of his own.

Robert visibly relaxes slightly, his shoulders dropping and he takes his hands out of his pockets to let them hang loose at his sides. He clenches his fists once…twice…a third time before he takes a deep breath and gives Aaron another smile, this one just barely bigger than the first. “I’m sorry for avoiding you.” Robert brings his hands in front of him and twists at the beaded bracelet on his wrist. Aaron remembers seeing it when he’d held Robert but never questioned where it came from until now. “It wasn’t exactly intentional but…I just needed space. I needed time to think.”

Aaron nods. “Yeah, you’re alright. I get that. No need to apologize.”

“When I was—“ he cuts himself off to clear his throat and drops his gaze to the floor “—in prison, it was really hard. And I mean…I spent so much of my time when I was in there just looking around every corner waiting for the next attack. I was scared to leave my cell or walk down the stairs or even go to the showers. Every time I closed my eyes, I would see the faces of the guys who loved to use me as a punching bag.”

Aaron swallows past the lump in his throat and shakes his head. “Rob, you don’t have to—“

“I do.” Robert raises his eyes back to meet Aaron’s and he can see how shiny they are with unshed tears. “I’ve gotta tell you now or I’m never gonna be able to. Those nights when I couldn’t sleep or even think, there were three things that would get me through the night. You, Seb, and my Mum. I would close my eyes and think back about all the times I got to have with each of you. It’s what got me through, Aaron.”

“I should’ve fought you on the divorce,” Aaron says quickly and at Robert’s raised brows, he shakes his head. “I just mean…I shouldn’t have let you go through all of that alone. No matter if you pushed me away or not. We promised better or worse and I should’ve fought harder to keep that promise.”

Robert shakes his head and folds his arms across his chest. “I wouldn’t have wanted you to see me like that anyways. Even if you had fought me on it, I still would’ve cut off contact. It was…I was barely holding myself together and seeing you but not being able to be with you, that would’ve been it. It would’ve finished me off.”

Aaron chews at the inside of his cheek and turns his head away. 

“Thank you for the other day.”

He turns back to Robert and gives him a small smile.

“I should’ve remembered earlier,” Aaron apologizes. “Had I known—“

“You’re alright,” Robert cuts him off with a shake of his head and a tiny, breathy laugh. “Isn’t your job to remember anymore, is it? Besides, it wasn’t just Mum that sent me spiraling. A lot of things have been happening recently that have been really, really good but well, you know how it is. One minute you’re doing fine and then the next minute it feels like you’re a stranger in your own skin.”

The tone of his voice sends a jolt of worry down Aaron’s spine and he stands up a little straighter and takes a step towards Robert. He’s twisting that bracelet again, the multicolored shiny beads catching in the shine of the overhead lights.

“Rob,” Aaron tries for a casual tone, “what’s been goin’ on? Something’s been going on well before your Mum so, wanna tell me what it is? What’s been eatin’ at you?”

This time Robert has a smile on his face that is a mix of joy and sadness and something else that Aaron can’t quite place. He’s got tears on his cheeks and a glint in his eyes that Aaron hasn’t seen in a very, very long time. “I saw him, Aaron.” Robert’s laugh is wet. “I saw Seb and he is amazing.”

“You saw him?” Aaron chokes out, voice thick now with more emotion than he knows what to do with. “I didn’t—you never said—when?”

Robert clears his throat and wipes at the tears on his cheeks. “I’ve been going to see him a couple times a week, just for a few hours at a time, for the last month.” 

He drops down to sit with his back against the cabinets and Aaron doesn’t even hesitate to move forward and drop down in the spot next to him, close enough for their shoulders to brush. Robert goes quiet again, fingers twisting at the bracelet and now that he’s closer, he can see the letters on the central beads. 

D-A-D-D-Y

Aaron swallows thickly and nods at the piece of jewelry. “He made that for you then?” 

Robert turns his head to Aaron and nods. “Yeah, he did. Gave it to me the second time I went to see him. We uh, we talked the whole time. About nothing really but also about everything. He is—Oh, God, Aaron, he is so smart. So, so smart. And he’s got the biggest smile and his laugh is so beautiful and I—Aaron…he’s perfect. He is the most perfect little boy in the world and I got to hug him again. I got to hug him and tell him I love him and how much I’ve missed him.”

“And he’s good?” Aaron asks because he has to know. He has to know that their little boy is okay. “He’s doing—He’s okay?”

“He’s doing more than okay,” Robert laughs and turns his whole body so he’s fully facing Aaron now. “He’s getting top marks at school and he’s got loads of friends. His Aunt Sylvia, she’s been taking great care of him since Rebecca passed. They’ve got her picture on Seb’s nightstand and he gives her a kiss goodnight every night before bed. He misses her like crazy, of course he does, but he’s handling it better than I ever could’ve.”

He’s okay. Their little boy — their son — he’s doing okay. That’s all Aaron has ever wanted to know. He’s only ever wanted what’s best for Seb but to know that he’s doing so okay without them, he’ll admit, it does sting a little. It hurts because he’s their son and he’s supposed to be doing okay with them. With their tiny little family that they were building. 

“I don’t understand though,” Aaron says with a shake of his head and wipes at his cheeks with the sleeve of his jumper. “Seeing Seb again, that’s a good thing, innit? So why’ve you been so…all out of sorts recently?”

Robert looks down at his hand, now resting tentatively on the top of Aaron’s thigh, and takes a deep breath when Aaron covers his hand with his own. Robert flips his hand over and his fingers curve around Aaron’s wrist while Aaron’s fingers follow suit. He waits patiently, knowing first hand how hard it can be to talk about these sort of things, and because he wants to hold onto Robert for just a little while longer. He can feel Roberts pulse beating rapidly under his skin and like no time has passed at all, his heart falls in sync with the familiar rhythm. 

“I freaked out,” Robert admits quietly, voice barely above a whisper. “He was uh—he was making a lot of noise and kept crowding up in my space when we were on the sofa watching telly and I just…I couldn’t handle it. He got too loud, Aaron. He got too loud and I—I snapped at him. I snapped at him for just bein’ a kid and makin’ noise. By the time I’d realized what happened, my head was poundin’ and Seb was shrunk back against the cushions. I left without saying goodbye. That was almost two weeks ago.”

Aaron nods along. “And you haven’t been back to see him since?”

Robert laughs incredulously and shrugs his shoulders. “I wouldn’t even know where to start. I’ve terrified him. How am I supposed to—How do I even apologize for that? My own son is scared of me and I have no clue how to fix it. Aaron…how do I fix it? What do I do?”

He looks up at Aaron, tears running down his face, and there’s something broken behind his eyes. Something shattered that Aaron isn’t sure he knows how to put back together again and that thought alone scares the shit out of him. Despite everything, despite all of their trauma alone and together, the one thing him and Robert have always been able to do, is put each other back together. They’ve always known each other so well that they know exactly where each last piece of the puzzle fits. But now—now Aaron doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how to fix this part of the puzzle. 

Robert’s eyes drop away and Aaron reaches out with his free hand to tilt his head back up. He waits till their eyes meet before giving Robert a small smile. 

“Hey, you’re not alone this time, alright?” Aaron tells him, squeezing his wrist to echo the statement. “I’m right here. I’m right here and I am going nowhere, ya hear me? We’re gonna do this together, you and I, we’re in this together now. I am so sorry that I haven’t been there for you—“

“I pushed you away.” Robert shakes his head. “I was the one that kept you at arms length. I don’t—I don’t deserve you, Aaron. I don’t deserve to have you by my side. To have you—your support. You deserve better—“

“I’ll decide what I deserve,” Aaron cuts him off. “Alright? And I’ll decide who I give my support to. And I’m giving’ it to you. I am not leaving your side again, understand? We have been through too much, the pair of us, and I am not letting you push me away again. I love you, Robert Sugden, and I have never, ever stopped.”

Robert lets a shattered sob escape his lips. “I love you too.”

Aaron pulls Robert into his arms, cradling him and letting Robert sob against his chest, his hands curling into fists and gripping the fabric of Aarons jumper. Aaron kisses the top of his head while his own tears fall silently into Roberts hair. 

December 10th

Robert started going to therapy more regularly after that, every single week like clockwork, and sometimes if he really needed it then he’d go twice. It was good for him. It was actually good for both of them in the end. It gave Robert the tools he needed to be able to openly talk about what went down in prison and not just to Aaron but to Vic as well. He’d called her after a particularly rough appointment and they’d cried on the phone together, Aaron on the sofa next to him letting Robert squeeze his hand as tightly as he needed. Vic had apologized over and over again, promising that when she got back, they’d have a proper chat. They’d laughed, said their goodbyes, and then the pair of them cuddled up on the sofa together with Aaron behind Robert, holding him close. 

“I called Sylvia earlier,” Robert says softly.

“And?”

Robert shuffles around so he’s now facing Aaron, his arm sliding over Aaron’s waist and gripping the back of his shirt. “She gave me an earful about stopping my visits,” he admits. “Said it wasn’t fair on Seb which she is right about, but after I explained everything to her, I think she understood. At least more than she might’ve before. I’m not really sure. She uh—She said she doesn’t think it’s smart to start up the visits again. At least, not anytime soon.”

“What?” Aaron props himself up on one elbow, frowning down at Robert. “She can’t be serious. You’re his dad. You have every right to see him. She can’t—“

“She can though,” Robert cuts him off. “She can. She’s his guardian now. It’s her decision and I…I have to respect it. No matter how much it’s killing me inside. I can’t—I can’t be selfish with this, Aaron. Not this time. All that matters is Seb and what is best for him. She said he was pretty upset when I left without saying goodbye and then when I stopped showing up—I just…I can’t shake up his life again. Not after everything he’s already been through. He deserves better than that. He deserves a dad who’s got himself together a bit more than I have. Then maybe, well, maybe I’ll try and talk with her again. Maybe after the Holidays, yeah?”

The look on Robert’s face tells him that he’s done having this conversation. He urges Aaron back down so he can snuggle up against Aarons body, tucking his head beneath Aarons chin, his breath tickling the skin of Aaron’s neck.

December 18th

He manages to get the address from Ross with a lot less begging than he had anticipated. He’d barely even had a chance to explain exactly what he wanted it for before Ross was snatching a bar napkin from its holder and scribbling the address down, sliding it across the bar top to Aaron.

“That’s it?” Aaron questions. “You’re not gonna try and fight me—“

Ross holds up a hand, face serious in a way that Aaron doesn’t see often. “I care about that kid, alright? And I miss him like crazy. If getting Robert back in contact with Seb means that he can come live here, then I’ve no reason to fight you. Whatever I may feel towards Robert, Seb needs him. Just be careful, alright? He’s been through a lot.”

Aaron nods. “Promise. Just want what’s best for both.”

He’s on the road within the hour and with Robert spending his first full day back at the farm, he’s got more than enough time to make it there and back before Robert’s shift is over. Hopefully.

December 20th

It’s late when he gets back from Bristol and the living room is bathed in a golden light coming from the single bulb at the top of the winding staircase. He kicks his shoes off beside the door and drops his bag and jacket on the couch before climbing the stairs until he reaches their bedroom. It’s been redecorated in the few months since he’d moved back in, all traces of his psycho spouse having been wiped clean from every single space he could think of. His monotone shirts that once hung on the left side of the closet had been replaced by Robert’s slightly more varied wardrobe and his single bottle of 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, and body wash, had been swiftly tossed in the rubbish bin. Robert had promptly set up his shower gel and posh skin care with a satisfied smirk. They’d even moved the bed to the other side of the room which Aaron didn’t think would help as much as it actually did. 

Robert’s still awake and when Aaron enters the room, he raises his head from the book he’d been reading with a soft smile. “You’re back,” he says with a content sigh. “I thought I’d be sleepin’ alone tonight.”

Aaron smiles and shakes his head. “Not on my watch. Scrap run just took a bit longer than I thought.”

“You’re alright.” Robert places a bookmark to keep his spot and sets the book on his nightstand. “Everything go okay otherwise?”

Stepping further into the room, Aaron nods and begins stripping out of his work clothes, tossing them into the laundry hamper beside the en suite bathroom. “More or less,” he fibs. He had been on a scrap run early this morning but it’d only taken a few hours so when he’d finished, he’d made the trip to Bristol to finish going over details for Robert’s Christmas surprise. “The bloke was a bit of a pain but nothing I can’t deal with.”

He pulls on one of Robert’s work shirts that he’d stolen weeks previous, reveling in the way Robert’s eyes darken at the sight of Aaron in his clothes. Some things really never change. 

“Vic’s flying in tomorrow,” Aaron reminds him as he flicks off the light by the door and pulls back the covers so he can climb in beside Robert. “You excited?”

Robert shrugs. “I’m not sure. Is that bad? I know we haven’t seen each other in months and I should be excited to see her but I just…I dunno. I can’t quite figure out how I feel about it all.”

Aaron settles back against the headboard, head tilted to look at his boyfriend.

“About Vic coming back for Christmas?” he asks. “Or for Christmas in general?”

He sees the hesitation settle over Roberts face, his eyes dropping away from Aaron’s and focusing on the bracelet on his wrist as he spins it round and round again. He twists the beads and pulls it away from his wrist, letting it snap back gently, and then raises his eyes to meet Aaron’s again. He doesn’t say anything yet but his lips twist like they do when he’s running through thoughts in his head until he can find the right one to say out loud. It’s been like this a lot lately. Taking a pause to figure out just the right thing to say. It’s been helpful. For both of them.

“I never imagined I’d get to spend another Christmas with you,” Robert says quietly, slowly like he’s scared of what will happen at the end of the sentence. “With any of you. I never let myself believe it. After the year we’ve had, I still don’t know if I fully believe it, but now that it’s really happening…I think I’m just scared.”

Aaron frowns and reaches over to cover one of Robert’s hands with his own. “Of what? Talk to me.”

Robert takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “I’m scared that I’ll wake up and it’ll all have been just a dream. I’m scared that I’ll wake up and be back in—be back there again and I don’t—Aaron, I don’t—I need all of this to be real. I need to know that this is it. And I’m terrified that me and Vic will never get back what we’ve lost. Things got so fractured between us and yeah, they’re starting to get better, but is it enough? What if she comes back and—and nothing changes? What if she never trusts me around Harry again? What if Sylvia keeps me away from Seb for longer? What if you decide that you’re done with me? For good this time. What if—“

“Woah,” Aaron interrupts, squeezing Roberts hand and drawing his legs up underneath him so he can twist to face Robert completely, giving him his full attention. “That’s an awful lot of ‘What If’s’ don’t ya think?”

“But—“

Aaron shakes his head. “But nothing, Robert. You and Vic are gonna be fine, alright? You’re her big brother. Nothing can change that. It’s gonna take time and probably a lot more conversations, but you’ll get there. Don’t worry ‘bout that. As for Sylvia and Seb, well, I’m sure you’ll get to see him soon enough, yeah? You’re his dad, Robert, and I know how much you love him. I was there the last time you fought for him and I know that you will fight just as hard this time around.”

He brings one hand up to cup Roberts face, swiping his thumb across Roberts cheek to wipe away his tears.

“And as for me,” Aaron says softly with a smile, “I am not going anywhere. I love you, Robert, and I can never—will never—be done with you. You listenin’? I don’t care what that silly brain of yours is telling’ ya”— he presses the pads of his fingers against Robert’s temple and Robert sucks in a sharp breathe, eyes fluttering closed —“but I choose you, Robert. I’m choosing to love you again. I’m choosing to let you back into my life because I can’t think of any universe where you aren’t a part of my story. You are…you are my world.”

Robert surges forward as the last word leaves Aarons lips and crashes his mouth against Aarons. They fall asleep tangled up together and Aaron thinks briefly that it’s the best sleep he’s had in years. 

December 24th

The next days pass by in a blur of red and green with tinsel and silver bells decorating every street corner and everywhere that could be reached. Vic was especially vigilante about decorating Keepers and the Mill since she was adamant that Robert’s first Christmas out needed to be one he’d remember for years to come. He’d tried to argue with her that him and Aaron didn’t need a real tree this year but of course, she’d pouted and begged, and ultimately, Robert gave in. 

It wasn’t that he necessarily wanted to forget about the whole holiday but well, it also wasn’t something that he was really looking forward to much at all. He wanted to be festive, cheerful like the rest of the village, but he just couldn’t. Sure, he’s got Aaron back and miraculously, they’re in a good place, but what about everything else? His relationship with Vic is still a bit rocky despite her best efforts to try and be a better listener. If he gets overwhelmed now, she’ll take a step back and let him process everything at his own pace. He saw it written clear across her face in the beginning though; the urge she to say something, anything, to get him to listen to things from her point of view. It only served to make matters worse. 

Aaron finally had to intervene a few days after she’d returned. They’d had a massive row over something that in all honesty was probably a bit lame to be arguing about but at the time it felt utterly important. He’d started to get frustrated and overwhelmed, the collar of his jumper feeling like it was cutting into his neck, and Vic just wouldn’t stop talking. 

She kept trying to justify her reasoning but wasn’t giving Robert a chance to talk.

He was crying hot, frustrated tears when Aaron had returned home.

“You’ve got to shut your trap and listen, Vic,” Aaron had scolded her, face the picture of fury as he’d grabbed Robert’s arms and led him into the kitchen. “Give ‘im time to get his words out, alright? It ain’t that hard.”

Aaron had rubbed soothing hands down Roberts arms while Robert had tried to calm down. He took trembling breathes in and out, tears still streaming, until after a few minutes his breathing slowly returned to normal. When he came back to himself, Aaron was humming a little tune — albeit off key — with his eyes closed and his forehead leaning against Robert’s. Robert smiled to himself and when Aaron opened his eyes, Robert’s smile widened.

“Swingin’ On A Star?” Robert had asked, getting choked up now for an entirely new reason. But this time it was a good one. “That’s the uh—that’s the song we used to sing to Seb when he couldn’t sleep. Didn’t think you’d still remember.”

Aaron scoffed lightly and smiled up at Robert. “‘course I remembered. He’d get the sweetest little smile on his face and fall asleep in my arms. It was the greatest feelin’ in the world.”

He knows how much it hurts Aaron that they still don’t have Seb back in their lives. It hurts him too. It’s just not so easy to talk about. Especially with the holidays and the emphasis on family, it just makes the hurt sting a little bit more. He’d reached out to Sylvia almost a week ago now, sending some presents along for Seb to open on Christmas morning but he’s yet to hear back. No phone call. No text. Not even a message sent through their social worker to ensure him that she’d received the packages. 

So, he smiled. He smiled like his heart wasn’t breaking inside a little bit with each passing day. 

He offers a weak smile as a glass of eggnog is slid across the bar top towards him, Chas grinning cheekily from behind the bar.

He claps along halfheartedly with the rest of the Dingle clan as Paddy and Eve perform a routine that she’d insisted the rest of them needed to see. When Eve darts over to Aaron and hugs his legs tightly, Robert feels a tightness form somewhere deep in his chest and he has to turn his back on the sweet sight, leaning his elbows on the bar with his head hung low. He sees Eve with Aaron and all that he can see is everything they’ll never get to have again. Had the surrogacy gone through like they’d planned, had he been able to stay, their child would be around Harry and Eve’s ages. They’d have another little cousin to grow up with. 

“You alright?” Aaron whispers once Eve has ran back to Paddy, giggling. He slides up next to Robert, one hand rubbing in a soothing motion against his lower back and the other setting his pint glass carefully on the bar. 

Robert turns to look at Aaron and smiles despite the aching in his chest. “‘course I am. Why wouldn’t I be? Got you here and that’s all I need.”

Aaron searches his face but gives him a tight smile and nods. “As long as you’re sure.”

“I’m sure,” Robert says, forcing his smile wider.

Their moment is interrupted when Aaron’s phone buzzes and he quickly fishes it out of his pocket while shooting Robert an apologetic look. Half a dozen messages flood the screen but Robert barely gets a glimpse before Aaron is turning his body away from Robert, shielding the phone from his view. Robert tries not to overthink the whole thing too much but he can’t help himself. You don’t hide your phone from your significant other unless you really have something to hide. Is John back? Has he snuck back in to win Aaron’s heart again? Is Aaron going to let him? 

“Aaron,” Robert gasps and Aaron spins around with furrowed brows and a frown. “Please tell me he’s not back.”

Aaron shakes his head and shoves his phone back in his pocket. “What’re ya on about? Who?”

“John,” Robert whispers tightly and Aaron’s frown morphs into one of anger and frustration now. “Please—just tell me it’s not him, alright? Anything else I can—I can handle but not—not him.”  

He’s panicking now but trying his damndest to keep a level head. He can’t let himself have an episode, not in front of all their family.

“Robert, seriously, you’re not makin’ any sense.” Aaron reaches for the hand hanging by his side and Robert lets him take it without question. “What has John got to do with any of this? He’s not here anymore, remember? They picked him up somewhere outside Marseilles round a week after he’d vanished.”

Robert squeezes Aaron’s hand and shakes his head to try and clear the jumbled knot of thoughts swirling around inside. 

“You weren’t texting him,” he says plainly, Aaron’s eyes going wide and then softening as a look of guilt and sadness flashes across his face. “When you—when you turned away I thought—“

He cuts himself off, not wanting to even speak the idea into existence.

“I’m sorry,” Aaron tells him finally. “I didn’t mean ta scare ya. I was—well, I’ve been workin’ on a surprise for ya. For your Christmas present and I just got word sayin’ that it’s ready and I—I never meant to freak ya out. Honest.”

Robert shakes his head. “I’m sorry for assuming—“

“Don’t be sorry,” Aaron interrupts with a soft smile. “I shoulda been more open about what I was doin’. I just really wanted to make this Christmas special and well, oh, hold on.”

He pulls his phone back out of his pocket and unlocks the screen, thumbing out a quick message and hitting send before tucking it back away. Within seconds, the pub door is swinging open and Vic is stumbling inside with Harry straggling along behind her. She stomps her feet a little to knock off some of the snow that had stuck to the soles and Harry follows suit although with a lot less success than his mother. 

“Right.” Vic smiles as she approaches the pair of them, her eyes landing on Aaron. “We’re all set on our end. You ready?”

Robert looks between his sister and his boyfriend, his panic fading away into plain confusion when he notices the sudden shift in the atmosphere around them. He takes a moment to glance around and watches as the party dies down and the music is lowered to something just barely noticeable in the background. People shift into groups and pairs, moving to different tables that had been pushed back to make room for dancing. Mack pulls Charity and Moses close, kissing them both on the top of the head. Paddy scoops up Eve into his arms and scurries off to where Mandy, Vinny, Gabby, and Dylan are waiting for him. 

He turns back to Aaron with a frown but both Aaron and Vic are nothing but smiles as they lead him to the center of the floor. Vic takes his hand and gives it a quick squeeze, raising up on her toes to kiss his cheek before grabbing Harry’s hand and dragging the little boy over to one of the empty booths. By the time they take their seats, Aaron is standing in front of Robert and grabbing hold of both his hands. 

“I know this year hasn’t been easy,” he begins softly, a warm smile on his face. “And I know that me and mine have had a hand in some of that, but you being here is the best Christmas gift I could’ve ever asked for. And believe me when I tell ya that I did ask for ya, Robert. That first Christmas without ya, I sat under the tree after Liv had gone up to bed and I cried. I cried and begged whoever was listening, that you’d be there waitin’ for me when I woke up.”

Robert swallows past the lump in his throat, tears welling up in his eyes that match the ones he sees collecting in Aaron’s lashes. 

“And now you’re here,” Aaron says proudly. “You’re here and you’re with me. On Christmas Eve of all things.”

“Wish pretty hard then, did ya?” Robert jokes even as tears fall down his face. 

Aaron laughs through his own tears and nods. “Ya damn right I did. And now that I’ve got my Christmas present, it’s time that you got yours.”

He drops Robert’s hands and reaches into the front pocket of his jacket.

“Close your eyes,” Aaron tells him while producing a strip of festive fabric. “You’ll be blindfolded as an extra precaution.”

Robert shakes his head with a laugh. “Aaron, what is going on? Why all the mystery?”

“Just close your eyes, Robert,” Vic groans with a smile from her seat. “Promise it’ll be worth it.”

Robert looks around at the lot of them, each one smiling at him and nodding their heads in encouragement. It’s still a strange sight to see, all of them here for his first Christmas back and no one telling him all of the rotten things he hears in his head on a daily basis. “Alright then.”

He drops down into the chair that’s been brought forward by Mack who squeezes his shoulder in support before rejoining Charity and Moses. Aaron steps forward with a smile and leans down to give him a kiss before he positions the fabric over Roberts eyes and secures it gently behind his head. Even without his vision, Robert knows that Aaron is still standing in front of him. He can feel his hands on his arms and can smell the cologne he’d spritzed on before they’d walked over a little while ago. But even without all of that, he’d still be able to know it was Aaron. He knows Aaron better than he knows himself and could pick the rhythm of his heart out of a crowded room. 

“Aaron?”

He feels Aaron’s hands slip away at the same time he hears the familiar bell above the door jingle and a gust of cold wind nips at his nose and cheeks. The sound of boots echoes in the now eerily silent Pub. He’s never heard it sound so quiet when it’s been so packed with people. The footsteps stop and he feels the presence of someone else standing in front of him, their breathing loud in the quiet room.

A cold hand touches the side of his face and he flinches away from the chill before another one joins on the other side of his face. Small hands. Small, cold hands. Small and cold and there’s something so familiar—

“Happy Christmas, Daddy.”

His heart skips a beat and he forgets how to breathe. He brings his hands up slowly and pulls the blindfold off, the sudden light assaulting his eyes for only a moment before they adjust and the little face in front of him comes into focus. 

Blond hair. Blue eyes. A smile that could light up the whole world. 

“Seb,” he whispers, voice cracking. “You’re—you’re here. How are you—what are you—I don’t understand—“

Seb laughs, bright and full. “I’m your Christmas present.”

Robert reaches up, covering Seb’s hands with his own, and sucks in a sharp breath when the realization hits. This is real. This is all real. His son is really here, standing in front of him, on Christmas. 

“But I don’t understand,” Robert reiterates with a shake of his head.

“He’s got a week left of his School Holiday.” Aaron steps forward, right behind Seb. “And he’s spending it here. In Emmerdale. With us.”

Robert snaps his head up to look Aaron in the eyes. “You what?”

“I’ve been talkin’ with Sylvia,” Aaron admits sheepishly, “and been down to see her a few times. She agreed to let you start the reunification paperwork if this week goes well.”

He can’t be hearing this right. He’s dreamed for this, wished for this so hard and for so long, that the idea almost just seems like a fairytale. Like a story he’s been telling himself to keep the nightmares away. This is all he’s ever wanted. His son, his Aarron, his family. His life.

“This is real?” He whispers because he’s afraid that if he says it any louder, it’ll all vanish right out from under his fingertips. “Please, Aaron, please tell me this is all real.”

There’s a hand on his shoulder suddenly and when he blinks, Aaron is kneeling next to Seb, just off to the side, and there are tears in his eyes. He’s smiling at Robert and giving his shoulder a squeeze to ground him back to reality.

“It’s real, Robert,” Aaron tells him, voice shaking. “I promise ya, it’s real.”

It still doesn’t feel real even as Robert has to lift Seb up to hang the ornament he’d brought towards the top of the tree. He’d picked it out himself; a beautiful angel with golden hair and fair skin sitting on a swing that’s attached to a star. When he’d explained that he chose it because it reminded him of both his Mum and his two dads, well, Robert may have shed a few tears.

It feels even less real when midnight hits and all the lights in the flat are finally off. Robert is standing in the doorway to his and Aaron’s bedroom while his boyfriend and their son are sleeping peacefully snuggled up in their bed. Aaron had bought a whole new bedspread for the spare room but Seb had insisted that he didn’t want to leave them. Not yet at least. So, he’d crashed out in their bed, curled up against Aaron, leaving a spot on the other side of the bed for Robert. The sight alone makes his heart swell but knowing that he’s here to stay has his heart nearly bursting right out of his chest.

“You make a wish yet?” Aaron’s whisper is loud in the quiet of the night.

“Hmm?” Robert tilts his head.

Aaron smiles up at him from their bed, stifling a yawn with the back of his hand. “Your Christmas wish? You make it yet?”

“I don’t have to,” Robert sighs, smiling and moving forward so he can climb into bed on the other side of their son. He reaches over Seb to grab Aaron’s hand and squeezes tight. “This, Aaron. I wish for this.”