Archive of Our Own ^beta

Ineffa and Jahoda are stuck in a vent in the Fatui research facility. Even for a seasoned bounty hunter as Jahoda, the present predicament is out of the ordinary.

She had not planned for this to happen, of course. She was on a late-night date with her girlfriend, Ineffa — not quite at ease with interlacing mechanical fingers in broad daylight just yet — but Ashru decided to steal away at the most inopportune time. “Be a darling and help me get the cat back. And, oh, you can take Ineffa with you if you want.” Said the devious Nefer, whose request was irresistible order in disguise. As the subservient model employee, Jahoda begrudgingly turned the date into a hunt, which unexpectedly took them to the very heart of Fatui territory, near the vent that looked down into the command center, the very vent they are now stuck in. Just as she almost caught Ashru by the tail, the graceful feline leapt through the grating into the Harbinger’s office and finalized the ruin of the romantic night. Jahoda was so annoyed that she almost decided to punch through the vent and seize the culprit — consequence be damned — but that was when she saw Sandrone, the Fatui Harbinger, walked in with none other than the Moon Goddess, Columbina.

“Uh. I am so, so sorry that I dragged you into this. It was supposed to be only the two of us having a good time!” Jahoda exclaims with exasperation, knowing that this errand is not going to end any time soon.

“No need to apologize, my dear Jahoda. Spending time with you is always pleasant. Not to mention that rarely have I had the chance to observe Sandrone and our Moon Goddess being together up close. All in all, I see this as a positive development.”

“Oh. Thanks. And…are you sure you are not saying all this just to make me feel better?”

“Not at all. From the stories the traveller related to me, our Moon Goddess seems very close to the Harbinger. I notice, after analyzing their interactions based on the available information, high levels of semblance between their relationship and ours: Columbina and I are straightforward with our feelings, while you and Sandrone tend to display frustration towards gestures of endearment.”

“What…what do you mean by that?!”

“Pulling data: since you confessed to me a month ago, you have called me ‘dumb robot’ 103 times: 21 times when we were hugging, 49 times when I called you cute or charming, and 33 times during eye contact after we kissed.”

“Stop! You dumb robot! I didn’t know you were keeping track! A-a-anyways, how does any of that have to do with Sandrone and Columbina?”

“After all those interactions, when you don’t suspect I am watching, I have observed a beaming smile on your face, so I can only infer that those experiences are highly enjoyable to you. If Sandrone is not too different, the reasonable assumption is that Sandrone and Columbina might be in a relationship soon.”

Jahoda is beyond flustered after Ineffa’s merciless exposure of her infatuation, but does her utmost to suppress her stammer, regain her composure and keep the conversation focused on the Harbinger and the Moon Goddess. Apparently, Ineffa has put a lot of thoughts into this. She believes if the deal can be sealed between the two, Nod-Krai has everything to gain: her analysis of past interactions indicates that Columbina always has her way with Sandrone. Despite Sandrone’s complaints, she cannot help but acquiesce to Columbina’s capricious whim. This dynamic means that such an alliance will most likely work in the favour of non-Fatui Nod-Krai residents.

“But most importantly,” adds Ineffa, raising her index finger as if to make a point, “I have detected certain embarrassment you habour towards dating a non-human entity. If the Moon Goddess can set an example of romantic human-robot relationship, you will be more inclined towards public display of physical intimacy with me.”

Jahoda has not expected Ineffa to take a sharp turn from Nod-Krai geopolitics to their relationship. In the face of such an elaborately-sprung trap, Jahoda can do nothing but admit that she is guilty as charged, and promises that for the next date, she will take Ineffa to the most bustling place during the busiest hour.

“Additional requirement: you will need to hold my hand or cling to my arm.” Ineffa says as she looks Jahoda in the eye. Jahoda knows there is no way she can back out of this, and suddenly she feels that there is more vested interest in seeing the bond between Columbina and Sandrone come into fruition.

Unbeknownst to the lovebirds inside the vent, they are not the only two who are anticipating the event to unfold with keen interest. The curious affair between the Harbinger and the ex-Harbinger has been one of the favourite topics of Nod-Krai Fatui staff after their long shifts. It all started when Sandrone explicitly forbade any attempt to apprehend the Moon Goddess. Anyone who dared to voice any disagreement was led to a room to spend an hour with Pulonia. Even without a voice, the hulking machine was so persuasive that whoever underwent the ordeal never raised the issue again. Soon people began to notice Sandrone’s mood improve visibly after each of Columbina’s visit, and a period of shorter shifts, milder reproof, and more generous remuneration tended to follow. These tangible benefits quickly endeared the goddess to the Fatui stationed in Nod-Krai. Few, if any, contemplate working against her, many have remarked on her ethereal charm, but more are enthusiastically speculating on their tie. Old-timers reminisce about happy moments the pair shared, while others avidly bet underground on whether the two will confess to each other every time Columbina comes for a visit — a shrewd colonel has managed to accumulate an enviable winning streak of thirteen.

Blissfully oblivious of the well-wishes, the adoration, the collective jealousy towards the colonel and the fervent desire to see his eventual fall, Columbina once again invites herself to visit her dear Sandrone. She has not seen Sandrone after they parted ways on the rooftop of the research facility and she misses her already. Of course the Fatui gatekeepers have grown used to her visits, and warmly usher her in even without the order of the Harbinger, knowing full well that their boss secretly enjoys those pleasant surprises.

And a pleasant surprise it is. As Columbina eyes Sandrone and Pulonia heading towards the command centre, she quickly pounces. Startled, Sandrone can at best muster a faint complaint, which quite pales against the dazzling array of delicacies that are quickly summoned forth. The speed with which this is done clearly betrays how well Sandrone is prepared around the clock for her unorthodox friend’s visit. But tonight, Columbina seems more pensive than usual and is not quite enthused by the carefully arranged refreshment.

“The Moon Goddess is being very reserved. Is my hospitality tonight not impressive enough for your highness?” Sandrone says with a sneer and but lets slip a slight touch of concern.

“Of course I enjoy what you have prepared for me, though I do enjoy your company more. And I think I didn’t thank you enough for what you did for me last time. You risked your safety to stall Rerir.”

“The risk is calculated. Sure, Pulonia went through some tear and wear, but nothing I can’t fix. The engagement is quite necessary for further enhancing his hardware. He is even more formidable now. Just you see, soon I will rise in the rank of the Fatui Harbingers, and it is not because some seats have been vacated! Why are you chuckling?”

“I know you will go far, but to put your life on the line…” Columbina shakes her head.

“Like I said, the risk is calculated. And do you really think I did all that to upgrade… Nevermind!” Says Sandrone with a huff and their conversation comes to a pause, leaving just enough time for Jahoda and Ineffa to digest the delicious scene in front of them.

“Oww. She cares about Columbina but is too embarrassed to admit it! Didn’t expect to see a robot getting flustered. How cute!” Says Jahoda with a giggle.

Ineffa turns to Jahoda with an indecipherable expression. “Hmm, so you think that reaction is cute. I will not be outdone by another mechanical unit. Presently making adjustments and turning ‘bashful module’ output to maximum.”

“What! When did you get this function...” screamed Jahoda, but her sentence is cut short when Ineffa timidly holds her hand and quickly lets it drop out of embarrassment. This is followed by a maidenly shy glance and an adorably clumsy break-off of eye contact. Jahoda has always seen Ineffa as dashing. Nothing in their interactions so far has prepared Jahoda for Ineffa’s new side. She feels as though she has been shot dead on the spot by mechanical cuteness.

“Please stop, Ineffa…I don’t think I can handle anymore of this. Wow! This is bad for my heart. How in the world did Aino come up with the idea of a ‘bashful module’?”

“She didn’t. I don’t have a ‘bashful module’ installed. I only cranked up my humor module to maximum and used ‘teasing’ to see your reaction. I’d say it went rather well.”

“YOU DUMB ROBOT!”

If Sandrone and Columbina could be unabashedly lovey-dovey like those two, the prayer of all Fatui stationed in Nod-Krai will have been answered: imagine the joy, the elation and the endless talk of sweet drama. Alas! It is not meant to be, at least not yet. In fact, not a word has been exchanged as Ineffa and Jahoda are shamelessly flirting, and the silence has become quite uncomfortable for Sandrone so she takes on herself to break the awkward pause.

“Fine! I see your point. You have the interest of your former colleague at heart. It is the same with me. But I can’t let your concern for me cloud my judgment. It will dull my edges and become a liability. You have fought Rerir. You know the danger of second thoughts better than anyone else. If I am committed to something, I will see it to the end, ruthlessly if I must.” This bravado is typical of Sandrone, but the tough talk is also meant to show Columbina that there is no talking her out of this: it is Sandrone’s way of saying not to worry.

“Just promise me not to push yourself recklessly.”

“I will consider it, if it’s to get you off my back.”

“And thanks for being so ruthlessly committed to saving me.” Columbina says with her innocent smile and reaches for the sweetest cake on the table.

“Don’t put words into my mouth.”

“But you really enjoy putting food in mine.” Replies Columbina, gazing Sandrone as she takes a bite.

This counter-offensive is so effective that Sandrone almost spits out her tea. Pulonia promptly hands her the handkerchief while Columbina continues unconcerned by how Sandrone is busying embarrassing herself.

“You are very generous, Sandrone: always laying out the best banquet, and even sacrificing your whole base once in a while, all for the sake of a former colleague.” Says Columbina with delight and mischievousness that quite disarm Sandrone. Columbina is all the more gleeful because Sandrone, despite her protest, has yielded, so she decides to push the envelope just a little bit further. “Will you not come and visit? The Kuuhenkis keep telling me that they want to see you and Pulonia.”

“Your little familiars? Now why would they miss me? The only time they saw us together must have been when I confronted you for dragging me away from fighting Rerir. They must really enjoy hearing us argue.” Sandrone has finished cleaning up and manages to compose herself again.

“I wouldn’t call what we did arguing. You were tense from the fight and I was worried. At least that’s what the Kuuhenkis saw. They have this amazing ability to penetrate appearances. When I was talking to them about you before I came here, they gave me this picture they painted of our meeting.” Columbina says as she shifts over to sit beside Sandrone, their shoulders almost rubbing, and shows her the childish drawing.

“Hmm. This is not half bad… Wait, why are you resting your head on my shoulder in the drawing?” Sandrone can barely disguise her shock, both at the Kuuhenkis’ scandalous imagination and, more importantly, at Columbina, who has the audacity to show her this salacious drawing, and who, sitting right next to her, is so tantalizingly close — with but a tilt of her head, Columbina can easily recreate the scene. Sandrone could almost picture it in her head.

“Do you not like it?” Columbina turns to Sandrone.

Two thoughts struggle inside Sandrone. She is tempted to move away from Columbina, suspicious of her next move, but she also fears that she may be making a fuss over nothing. The indecision leaves her paralyzed.

“When I see the picture, I feel content and at ease.” Columbina continues, shifting ever so closer.

Sandrone tells herself that she must move away right now, but cannot stir herself to do it. Instead she lifts the saucer and the teacup to her lips, hoping that her raised elbow will offer a feeble defense against Columbina’s possible attack.

“I don’t know what to make of it but your Kuuhenkis sure have bizarre imaginations.”

“You think so?” Columbina sighs and looks fondly at the drawing, “Do you know what I think?”

“You just told me that you felt content and at ease. There…there is need to repeat that.”

“But that’s not all. There is something else I want to tell you, dear Sandrone.” Columbina’s earnest tone drives Sandrone into a panic. She tries to use the teacup to conceal her expression but, agitated, gulps down the tea at a comically accelerating rate. At the same time, the two eavesdroppers find the scene exceedingly exhilarating: Jahoda gets as close to the vent to peer through the grating, while Ineffa is now running her sensor module at maximum capacity to read the room and pick up all the subtile signals from the Fatui Harbinger.

“You say you find their imagination bizarre, but I think the drawing speaks to me. You always have a special place in my heart, Sandrone. You are not like the others. Rosalyne was my friend; Arlecchino has always been someone I look up to and respect. But you are different: I can’t help teasing you because you are so close to me, but after I see the drawing I realize perhaps this is what I really wanted all this time. ”

“You want…this?” Says Sandrone, frozen in place with the empty teacup in her hand.

“Yes. Because you are my dearest…”

“Your dearest?” Sandrone can barely hold the teacup without trembling.

“My dearest companion.”

A dull thud is heard coming from the vent. Ineffa and Jahoda are both dumbfounded by Columbina’s disastrous choice of expression.

“Our goddess just botched her confession! Twenty Nod-Krai hotdogs won’t be enough for me to get over this.” Cries Jahoda in despair.

“Indeed, a fumble worthy of a celestial nail. I am detecting a mixture of expectation, agitation, relief and disappointment coming from Sandrone. Is this what humans would call ‘snatching defeat from the jaws of victory’?”

“Very apt. Wait…Did you just say that Sandrone is disappointed. Then perhaps it is not too late to salvage this mess!”

“What do you propose, my dearest companion?”

“I have a very bad idea and there is no going back if we are committed. You ready?”

“Jahoda, I will follow your lead. Shielding activated.”

“Then I propose…This!” Says Jahoda as she punches through the vent, and the pair leap down into the office. Predictably, their unorthodox entrance causes the entire Fatui base to go into high alert. The blazing alarm jolts Sandrone from her stupor and sends a horde of Fatui soldiers rushing into the command centre. Even the sinner Rerir could not have made a bigger ruckus.

“I didn’t know you brought reinforcements, Columbina.” Says Sandrone, who is secretly relieved by the sudden distraction, not knowing what is in store for her.

“I didn’t. Please ask your soldiers to stand down, dear Sandrone. They are my friends and I am sure they mean no harm.”

“Harm or no harm, this is still a military base, mind you. Guards, please escort Miss Columbina’s friends away from the premise.”

“Wait! Wait! We did not intend to crush your tea party. We just want to help.” Says Jahoda, desperate to stall their advance.

“What Jahoda means to say is that we have fortuitously overheard your conversation and sensed strong romantic tension that needs to be resolved, for the happiness of all parties involved. Given our expertise in human-robot relationship, I believe we are in a strong position to advise.”

Had not the church of Columbina-Sandrone penetrated the Nod-Krai Fatui so thoroughly, this little intrigue would have ended here. Yet it so happens that the captain of the guards, being one of the most loyal servants to the Lady Harbinger, has always been most devoted to her happiness and has betted against the colonel all thirteen times about whether Columbina will confess to Sandrone. Naturally, he is beside himself now that a pair of true relationship experts come to the rescue and will not let this opportunity slip by. At the risk of incurring the wrath of a harbinger, with the will of a martyr, he switches off the alarm, dismisses the guards, and shuts the door of the command centre. As he steps outside the door, he salutes his superior, winks at Jahoda and Ineffa, and proclaims that he will ‘faithfully guard the door and will not let the culprits leave without permission’.

“What is this insubordination!” Cries Sandrone in disbelief.

“May I suggest, instead of summary execution, perhaps solitary confinement?” Says Jahoda timidly in defense of the unexpected ally.

“Be that as it may, we do have a more important matter at hand, dear Jahoda.” Ineffa continues in her businesslike manner, “lady Moon Goddess, it takes a robot to know one, so let me inform you that when you tell Sandrone that she is your dearest companion, my advanced sensor has picked up a mixture of expectation, relief and disappointment.”

“So you were expecting something else from me?” Says Columbina, turning to the flustered Harbinger, but Ineffa interjects before Sandrone can protest or answer.

“I believe the sentence she was waiting for was ‘I love you’.” Says Ineffa.

“But why was she feeling relieved then?” Asks the goddess.

“Well, here is where my experience comes in,” says Jahoda, eager to supplement Ineffa’s observation, “You see, before I am in a relationship with Ineffa, I, too, had trouble confessing. Every time I would walk up to her and tried to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I always chickened out at the last moment when I looked her in the eyes. When that happened I was relieved I didn’t have to face the elephant in the room but also disappointed because I couldn’t muster the courage. I am sure Sandrone is feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of becoming your girlfriend but deep inside she wants that.”

“I am right here, you know! Why is everyone ignoring me?!” says Sandrone in exasperation, but the way Ineffa and Jahoda correctly diagnoses her inner-thoughts makes it difficult for her to resist their inroad.

“Trust us. Everything Jahoda and I are doing is for the sake of you and the Moon Goddess. Now, all the preceding analysis will be naught if we cannot ascertain whether you, Columbina, is in love with Sandrone.” Says Ineffa with authority.

“Love? That’s not a concept I am familiar with.” Says Columbina pensively.

“Well, let’s try to figure it out. Ineffa and I are going to ask a couple of questions in turn. You just tell us what you think. I will start: when you are alone, do you often think of Sandrone?”

“Yes. I think of her all the time.”

“When you think of Sandrone, do you find it difficult to physically suppress your smile.”

“Yes. I can’t help it.”

“I know you like to tease her so I don’t need to ask about that, but when you are with Sandrone, do you experience a slight tightening in your chest which is also weirdly sweet and enjoyable? I often felt that when I was with Ineffa before I confessed”

“Yes. I am always puzzled by this strange feeling.”

“Can you picture Sandrone having a relationship similar to what you are having right now with someone else?”

“No. Somehow, when I think about this, I feel…very upset.”

“So you want to be together with Sandrone all the time? And no one else can take her or your place?”

“Yes. To have a future like that…I would love that.”

“I think we can safely confirm that our Moon Goddess is sincerely, passionately, ardently, fervently in love.” Concludes Ineffa.

Now confident of her feeling, Columbina walks up to the Harbinger, who is at once fearful and expectant, takes her hands affectionately and put them on her chest. “Dear Sandrone, I am sorry I didn’t give you what you wanted. Please let me try again and make up to you. Sandrone, my beloved, will you be my girlfriend? Sandrone? Are you alright?”

“Do not worry, Lady Goddess,” says Ineffa, looking bemusedly at the non-responsive mechanical Harbinger, “I believe the overpowering impression you have made has short-circuited her emotional module. To initiate a restart, a strong outside stimulus will be required.”

“What kind of stimulus?” Asks Jahoda and Columbina in unison.

“Care to work with me for a demonstration, Jahoda?” Says Ineffa as she cups her girlfriend’s cheek, “You need to carefully hold your beloved’s head, give it a slight tilt so you do not bump noses, and connect your lips, like this.”

“Wait, Ineffa, you didn’t tell me you are going to kiss me…” Watching Jahoda feebly protests against her assertive girlfriend, Columbina acts like a model student and follows the instructions and demonstrations to the letter. She gently brings the Harbinger closer to her face and gives her a tentative peck on the lips, and, deciding that she likes the sensation, commits to a much longer, more intimate kiss. However, there is still no reaction.

“Perhaps try a little tongue?” Suggests Jahoda, having barely recovered from the kiss.

“Wonderful idea. Yes, just like that. You are doing well, Columbina. I can already detect faint signals coming from Sandrone — Her pleasure receptor has been fully activated — I also pick up heightened level of embarrassment, and it is feeding into her weapon system — I believe Sandrone is telling us that we need to leave, Jahoda.”

“I will take it from here. Remember to take the cat”, says Columbina as she activates her teleportation ability before Sandrone can unleash destruction on the pair. Jahoda and Ineffa safely find themselves, as well as Ashru, in the workshop of Aino, whose surprise is quickly replaced by disgust as she witnesses Ineffa holding Jahoda in a princess-carry position and Aino's custom-made lipstick for Ineffa smeared on Jahoda’s lips.

Meanwhile, the situation in the Fatui Nod-Krai command centre is much messier. The Harbinger ranking proves to be not without its merit: suffice it to say that it is a one-sided takedown from Columbina. Struggle as she may, Sandrone can do nothing but take in all the sweet affections Columbina is showing on her. At one point, the action becomes so excessive and and the noise so indecent that even Pulonia decides to excuse himself from the room. Before he leaves his mistress to her own device, certain of her blissful and — dare I say — pleasurable defeat, he beams a message to Ineffa:

“Excellently executed. P.”