Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

ROSE: Customer for you.
TEREZI: BLUUUUURRRMMMNFFMRGL3 SM4CK SM4CK
ROSE: While I make no comment on the theoretical effectiveness of your complaint had you voiced it from the cozy comfort of your bed, Terezi, you realize this is a written medium, do you not?
ROSE: You scrawled each of those characters consciously, with intent.
TEREZI: KLJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJOOP SNOR3
ROSE: And those.
ROSE: In any case, it is 12:06, well within your posted hours. Up with you.
TEREZI: OBJ3CT1ON!
TEREZI: THOS3 4R3 YOUR HOURS, MY D3L3CT4BL3 Y3T 4NNOY1NGLY 1NS1ST3NT C4ND13D L1L4C
ROSE: Candied lilac. Is that a thing?
TEREZI: TH3Y 4R3 SHOP HOURS
ROSE: Aren’t lilac flowers incredibly bitter?
TEREZI: HUM4N HOURS!
TEREZI: NOT T3R3Z1 HOURS
TEREZI: JUST L1K3 WH3N 1 SAY “OUR CUSTOM3RS” W3 4LL KNOW 1 M34N ROS3 CUSTOM3RS, NOT T3R3Z1 CUSTOM3RS
TEREZI: T3R3Z1 CUSTOM3RS 4R3 NOT SUFF3R3D TO 3X1ST 3XC3PT WH3N TH3Y’R3 MUCH MOR3 FUN TH4N WH4T3V3R YOU W4NT M3 TO G3T UP FOR IS GO1NG TO B3
ROSE: This one seeks the succor of law.
TEREZI: WH1L3 H3’S 4T 1T C4N H3 4SK THE L4W TO POUR 4N 3NT1R3 BOTTL3 OF HOT S4UC3 DOWN MY THRO4T? D1V1N3 1NSP1R4T1ON S4YS TH4T’LL CUR3 MY H4NGOV3R
ROSE: It will not. Get up.
ROSE: Good morning, starshine. The mortal realm says hello.
TEREZI: TH3 MORT4L R34LM C4N K1SS MY S1NGUL4RLY BL3SS3D P4TOOT13 4S WOULD B3 R1GHT 4ND PROP3R WORSH1P OF MY B3N3F1C3NT PR3S3NC3!
TEREZI: BUT ONLY WH3N 1 S4Y 1T C4N
TEREZI: 4ND 1 S4Y 1T C4NNOT! NOT 4T 12:06 ON TH3 SH4BBOS 4FT3R ON3 OF TH3 M3G1DOS’ BLOWOUTS, NO M4TT3R WH4T K1ND OF PROBL3M WHO3V3R 1T 1S TH1NKS H3 1S H4V1NG
TEREZI: 1F H3 TH1NKS H3 KNOWS SUFF3R1NG H3 SHOULD TRY MOV1NG 4FT3R ON3 OF D4M4R4’S COCKT41LS
TEREZI: UGHHH ROS3 1 C4N’T F33L MY BR41N
TEREZI: 4ND 1 DON’T TH1NK 1 W4NT TO >:[
ROSE: I do beg your pardon. Are you feeling delicate, Mademoiselle Justice?
ROSE: (Pronounce that the French way.)
TEREZI: (1 GOT YOU, CH3R13)
ROSE: If only I had known of your frail condition. Shall I send the gentleman away and retire upstairs to administer to your great, throbbing head?
TEREZI: Y3S YOU SHOULD DO TH4T TH1NG
TEREZI: 4T L34ST ONE OF THOS3 TH1NGS
TEREZI: D3F1N1T3LY THE TH1NG WH3R3 YOU 4DM1N1ST3R TO MY GR34T THROBB1NGS
ROSE: Ooh, Mistress Pyrope, ooh. How I love a vigorous bulldozing of employer-employee boundaries in the no-longer-morning.
TEREZI: YOU KNOW 1’LL BULLDOZ3 YOUR BOUND4R13S 4LL D4Y LONG, ROSE >:] > :] >:]
ROSE: Such scandalous eyebrows. Take me now, boss lady.
ROSE: In any case, I’ll bid Mr. Nitram and his offering good day and suggest he return when you’re feeling less poorly.
TEREZI: W41T
TEREZI: YOU D1DN’T S4Y H3 H4D 4N OFF3R1NG
ROSE: Would I have woken you within twenty-four hours of a Megido party for anything less than blood, O mighty bearer of the green card of my soul?
ROSE: I actually took the liberty of asking Mr. Nitram to wait five minutes, earlier. Brush your teeth. Your special hangover coffee will be ready when we’re done with him.
TEREZI: YOU’R3 MY F4VOR1T3 F4K3 W1F3
ROSE: I’ll give Dave the bad news when he finishes puking Aradia’s vodka into the customer toilet.
ROSE: Oh.
ROSE: Mmngh.
TEREZI: >:?
ROSE: We may be entertaining a significantly less mortal visitor as well.
TEREZI: DO3S N1TR4M H4V3 A SP1R1T R1D3R?
ROSE: No, the two guests are unrelated. It’s just time for the other’s monthly pestering, I suppose.
TEREZI: W41T 1S 1T V4NT4S
TEREZI: Y333333SSSSSS
ROSE: Might I suggest putting on underwear before you come downstairs this time? Do remember how long your hearing took to return last time you reduced him to shocked, indignant shrieking.
TEREZI: BLUH, YOU’R3 NOT MY F4VOR1T3 4NYMOR3, YOU’R3 NO FUN
ROSE: It doesn’t become you to lie, My Lady of Justice. I think you will find I am simply the most fun there is.
ROSE: Though I’m afraid I may become less so by the second. Please hurry. Mr. Vantas has yet to say two words to me, but if I have to endure a single minute of his self-important pontificating alone, I’ll have no recourse but to do something drastic.
ROSE: Bare an ankle within his line of sight, perhaps. Or engage him on the topic of ethics in gaming journalism.
TEREZI: SHOCK 4ND 4L4RM!
ROSE: The man sucks all amusement from a room, if left to his own devices. I can’t even enjoy his insufferable lectures “ironically.”
ROSE: And while that might be a personal problem, I take maintaining the shits and giggles value of our facility very seriously. Religiously, in fact. And he is very funny when he squeaks.
TEREZI: OK ROS3 YOU’R3 MY F4VOR1T3 4G41N
ROSE: ;)
ROSE: Your coffee will actually be on the counter when you come down. You’ll need it. And wear the longer-sleeved robe; we don’t want our visitors reading our private correspondence off your skin, do we?
TEREZI: DON’T W3? >:]
TEREZI: BUT Y34H G1V3 M3 4 M1NUT3 TO G3T PR3S3NT4BL3 4ND R3M3MB3R TO PR3T3ND YOU DON’T R3S3NT M3 1N FRONT OF V4NT4S
ROSE: Why, Terezi.
ROSE: Didn’t you know? I worship the very earth upon which you walk.
ROSE: Wedding ring’s on the nightstand. I may grab your ass to bolster the verisimilitude of our claims to matrimony.
TEREZI: NOT 1F 1 GR4B YOURS F1RST!

“‘What up,’ gentlemen, as the cool kids say. What can I do you for?”

Terezi’s grin was as loud as her voice, sharp and striking and grating in just the right way to put everyone on edge. It suited her, of course. None should feel comfortable around a justice deity, for who among us is without sin? Rose dipped her head demurely over the crossword she was working on behind the counter and listened in.

Tavros Nitram strung broad shoulders on a gawky frame, nervous and young, utterly human—with perhaps a drop or two of Faerie in him, if he had the perception to find Terezi’s shop-shrine amongst the rabble. He hovered awkwardly between their dusty, overstacked bookshelves, sneaking peeks at the counter over fantasy novels as if afraid he’d miss his cue.

Kankri Vantas, on the other hand, waited right in front of the counter with his hands clasped behind his back. He was like one playing Professor Emeritus at an Ivy League, chin high, eyes hooded, affecting such confidence and condescending “patience” even Rose might have been forced to relinquish her passive-aggressive crown. His eyes flashed at Terezi’s blithe greeting, but he only stood straighter. The rod up his ass must have been adamantine.

“While I choose not to acknowledge your incredibly inappropriate use of subtle sexual innuendo—”

“Lies and slander, Mr. Vantas! I have never been subtle in my life.”

Kankri’s nostrils flared, but he simply went on as if he hadn’t heard her. “—in the workplace, towards a moral health inspector, no less, I must insist—”

“Must you?” Rose murmured, and he raised his voice.

“—that you do not, in fact, so casually appropriate the language of a socially oppressed minority in-group and misrepresent its source? It is infantilizing and historically insensitive to—”

“Using ‘infantilizing’ as a negative is pretty ageist,” Terezi noted piously. “Are you implying that infants are somehow less valuable than differently-aged individuals?”

Kankri hesitated. With her crossword pen, Rose wrote a discreet note on the inside of her wrist.

ROSE: The day’s tally. Terezi: 1, Kankri: 0

On the other side of the room, Terezi smiled and folded her arms.

In the meantime, Kankri rallied. “No, I merely meant—”

“I have a client to assist, Over-Seer Vantas.” Terezi’s tone and smile were equally pointed. “As improbably hilarious as I find our legal chats, don’t you think you could box up that tasty chili pepper lecture to go and reheat it for me at a later date? My place. Seven o’clock. Wear red.”

“I never—!”

“Haven’t you? Well. You need hardly worry.” Rose put her crossword down and looked at them both through her lashes, face tilted just so into her hand. She drew two fingers, slowly, suggestively, along the countertop, then pressed them lightly to her lips. “Terezi is very experienced.”

Tavros coughed and discovered a sudden and gripping fascination with Paulo Coelho. Kankri turned several shades darker beneath his already brown skin. Terezi laughed like a hyena, unsettling.

Rose truly was irritated with his presence today, she noted, though Kankri had hardly ever posed a threat to them. She rose, rounded the counter, and tapped Tavros’s shoulder. “Excuse me. Would you mind if the three of us spoke privately?”

“Oh, uh, no, that would make sense—”

“Good.” She tapped his shoulder again and he powered off, in a way; his eyes slid out of focus and his jaw slackened. Sighing, she pushed his chin up gently so he wouldn’t come to with drool all over his shirtfront.

After guiding Tavros to one side, Rose showed Kankri the ring on her finger, twin to Terezi’s: a double-cut, seamless circle of palladium. “You do know what a wedding ring means traditionally, Mr. Vantas? I don’t know how many times we’ve had to remind you.”

“I know what it means.” Kankri drew himself up to his full height, shoulders stiff, ripe with offense. He wasn’t tall, but neither was Rose, nor Terezi, and the obvious display of power rankled them both. “And you have, of course, informed me of your sadly undocumented wedlock six times, now, in toto.”

“So how many more does it take?” Terezi’s grin was all teeth and predatory amusement.

“It takes,” he said, “as many times as it must. It is on you to persuade me, in my position as a senior Arbiter of Divine Conduct, that you, Miss Pyrope, have taken neither Miss Lalonde nor Mr. Strider as Armament, Raiment, or other such spiritual equipment as would impede their freedoms not only as walking gods, but as sentient beings.”

The sudden silence in the shop felt thick, heavy, full of dust and ink and the faint smell of copper.

“You’re accusing me of slavery,” said Terezi, dangerous now for all her ninety pounds of bed-headed, razor-smiled girl. “The binding of god to god when gods are not bound.”

Kankri didn’t flinch. “I, too, may discard subtlety from time to time.”

Terezi leaned towards him over her cane, feet planted wide. “That’s a serious allegation! The unauthorized creation of sacred regalia is a crime, you know, and last time I checked, I was a goddess of justice.”

“You are the god,” he replied, “of small justice. Not trivial, of course, though some would erroneously call it petty, but of unprepossessing scale—minute enough to slip through the cracks in the law, perhaps.”

What was he doing? Rose nearly opened her mouth to warn him, but Terezi just threw her head back and cackled. “Shows what you know, Mr. Candy Apple!”

“Candy App—?!”

She drove the tip of her cane against the floor, and the resulting CRACK was too loud to be possible, —but while they stood inside the walls of the bookshop, they remained within Terezi’s realm, and she was god there.

Her dragon smile remained, and her blind eyes were blood-red. “Small justice is the only law, Arbiter Kankri Vantas. Felony charges, state and individual, crime and punishment: What does it all come back to?”

Her cane-tip whipped up to hover just below Kankri’s nose. It didn’t even shudder with his sharp inhalation. Terezi’s hands were as steady as oak.

“It comes back to man versus man, woman versus woman. To small-scale interpersonal contest. To Me and Thee.” For a moment, magic glinted in the air around Terezi. Her name. Her power. It winked away before Rose could make it out. “It comes back, always, to making them pay.”

After a silence, she added, unsmiling this time, “And I pity the idiot who forgets that on patrol in Gods’ Grotto. No, Mr. Vantas. I have bound no one against their will.”

For once in his unending existence, Kankri didn’t seem inclined to talk. He wavered, lost an inch or two of perfect posture, and started to maybe even back down, but he caught sight of Rose from the corner of his eye and pushed the steel rod back up his sphincter. “And you, Miss Lalonde?”

“And I what?”

“Do you, too, attest that you are not bound against your will?”

For a moment, Rose fought the impulse to say no, to turn her back on Terezi and her bookshop and the blind moral simplicity she represented. To hold her fists out to Kankri and tell him, I am a battle god shackled and reduced to manning a cash register at my least diminished; I am a trophy. I am not free.

Terezi wouldn’t stop her. They both knew it. But there was Dave.

Rose sighed, folded her arms across her chest, and shook her head wryly. “While I admit there is a certain ethical…ickiness to pursuing and then legalizing a relationship with an employee that I would have been inclined to avoid—steep power differentials and such,” she said, “I would hardly call it slavery. Terezi simply has…a commanding presence.”

“And a lovable one!” Terezi added cheerfully.

“Amusing, at least.”

“Charmingly astute! A sharp dresser!”

Kankri tried to get a word in, but tennis had always been Rose’s favorite sport. She returned volley, “If one applies some creative translation of ‘sharp’ to mean ‘like a tack,’ then yes, I can agree. Your taste in fashion is the height of tackiness.”

Terezi waggled her eyebrows outrageously. “You think that’s hot.”

Time to bring it back to Kankri. “She has a way of getting under my skin.” Slowly, with a coy, sideways glance at Terezi, she smiled. “…If you know what I mean.”

As annoying as Rose found Kankri’s attitude and his unwillingness to let go, Terezi was right about one thing: He was incredibly fun to rile. He spluttered like a hissing cat, and Terezi was just about to make it worse—

“Hey, hey, Rose—you know, if a physical demonstration’s what it takes to convince him…”

Rose pushed her right in the face and finally took pity on the poor god just doing his job. “I entered partnership with Terezi of my own volition, Mr. Vantas. This I do swear, on my name.” After allowing him a moment to verify the truth of her statement, she added, “Terezi wears the ring, too, you know. It is not a symbol of fealty, but loyalty.”

Kankri bowed stiffly and left the shop. “Thank you, come again!” Terezi cawed after him. Rose sighed and went to rouse Tavros, now that Kankri was gone.

The difference was, of course, that Terezi could take her ring off whenever she liked. And while she was the god of small justice, that had little enough to do, Rose had found, with honesty.

TEREZI: M4N, 1 L1K3 TO W4TCH TH4T GUY W4LK 4W4Y BUT 1 LOV3 TO S33 H1M GO
ROSE: You do realize that’s not how that saying goes in the least, right?
TEREZI: D4T 4SS, ROS3
ROSE: Mr. Vantas isn’t really my type.
ROSE: But you do have a point.
ROSE: They’re like perfect little bubbles, begging to be cupped gently in a lover’s palm. What the hell. I must know his secret.
TEREZI: DON’T WORRY ROS3 YOUR BUTT 1S 4 SOL1D 4++ ON TH3 TOUCH4B1L1TY SC4L3 TOO!
ROSE: Before I decide whether to be flattered or indignant,
ROSE: Is that an A or a 4?
TEREZI: WH1CH3V3R 4NSW3R 1S L3SS 3TH1C4LLY 1CKY DU3 TO OUR POW3R D1FF3R3NT14LS
ROSE: Wait. Aren’t you blind? On what evidence are you judging the touchability of our posteriors?
TEREZI: >;]
ROSE: Winky faces are my thing. You’re jacking my thing.
TEREZI: GODS G3T TO DO WH4T TH3Y W4NT, MY SOFT BUNNY BUM
ROSE: I’m waking Mr. Nitram.

“Oh, so, you’re really, um…optically challenged, huh?”

“Of course I am! Haven’t you ever seen a picture of me?”

Terezi lounged before the low, intricately carved East Asian table they’d bought for seventy dollars on eBay to impress saps like Tavros, who sat seiza across from her. The boy had weeaboo written—nearly literally—all over him. He had a set of Japanese characters tattooed on his bicep. They read, according to a discreet check of Rose’s smartphone, ‘Guy who never gets women/nerd.’

Which was a shame, really. His biceps weren’t too bad.

“Yes, that is what they draw, and make into statues and such,” Tavros stuttered. “That is to say, Lady Justice, on Tarot cards and, uh, other artistic works, often has her eyes covered, to indicate—”

She spread her arms wide and crowed, “—That justice is blind!”

Tavros shifted on his mats. “I was going to make use of a kindlier euphemism, in order to avoid making myself appear rude—”

“I’m a god, Mr. Nitram, I don’t give a shit about your human rudeness.” She leaned on the table and smiled. “Now, dish! What’s the problem, why are you here?”

“Um.” He ran a hand back through his Mohawk and scratched the back of his neck. The tag of his T-shirt was sticking out. Rose tried to ignore it. “You see, it’s…personal and embarrassing, and—”

“Mr. Nitram, I have a hangover your mortal mind couldn’t even conceive of. Out with it, chop chop.” She snapped her fingers twice and he sat up straight.

“Uhh, I guess you could say that it’s a matter of being mistreated, regularly, every day in fact, with words and, uhh, other things, that make me feel bad—”

“You’re being bullied?” Terezi surmised, twisting her mouth to one side.

Rose made a note of it in her book. Poor Tavros wasn’t ever going to get to finish a sentence, was he? He nodded. “I suppose that’s one way to describe it. Bullying. Yeah.”

Terezi arranged herself straighter, more businesslike. “Who’s the perp?”

“I’m not sure, but I have,” Tavros cleared his throat and looked down at the table’s lacquer finish, “a good guess. A really, really good guess.” A second passed. Terezi kicked him under the table to keep him going. “There’s…ahem, there’s this girl—”

Both Rose and Terezi groaned in unison, though Rose at least had the social grace to pretend she hadn’t when Tavros glanced at her.

“Stop, the goddess has heard all she wants to hear,” Terezi whined.

Tavros seemed to have a bad tendency to smile when he was confused. Or worried. He had terrible teeth. “Don’t you need to know the details in order to, uh, do your…justicey thing?”

“I do,” she said. “But I don’t wanna.” With improbable flexibility, Terezi slumped face-down across the table. “But fine, continue your boring story for dumb babies about The Girl, bluh bluh, it’s my sacred duty.”

Pretending to take notes, Rose jotted another quick message to Terezi.

ROSE: Kill me.

Sans pen, Terezi scratched a reply lightly on her thigh. It bloomed in glittering teal on Rose’s skin, hidden from Tavros by the tabletop.

TEREZI: SORRY SUG4RPLUM, YOUR CO1L’S 4S 1MMORT4L 4S M1N3 4ND DO3SN’T T4K3 34S1LY TO SHUFFL1NG
ROSE: Fie.
ROSE: There’s no justice.
TEREZI: H3Y >:[

“Well, I’m sure I don’t know what you mean to insinuate, by capitalizing ‘The Girl’ in your speech, like you just did, somehow, even though we are speaking aloud,” said Tavros, grinning hopefully. “But yes, she has, by way of making my life hell, become very, uhh, significant, recently.”

“We’re all ears,” Terezi mumbled into the table.

“You see, I think she is in love with me—”

TEREZI: BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“But she doesn’t, uh, know how to express it in a way that does not injure me in some manner—”

ROSE: What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. No more.

“—And while she’s pretty, I guess, in a crazy homicidal sadist way—”

ROSE: But actually, no more, please. I have a wife and children.
TEREZI: 1S D4V3 OUR CH1LDR3N, ROS3?

“—I don’t, um, know her, or want to know her at all, and would appreciate if she would stop sending me Photoshopped nudes from an unblockable number, and vandalizing my dorm building—”

ROSE: I take it back. The mental image of my brother perched daintily on your lap as you tell him to call you Mama is not one I want to revisit.
TEREZI: H3Y NOW, 1 WOULDN’T K1NKSH4M3 YOU 1F 1T W3R3!
ROSE: Ever.

“—And maybe, causing so many unfortunate accidents to happen to me—”

“Stop.”

The word reverberated in shades of turquoise and gold, underlain with heavy red, a synesthetic cocktail of command and power. Terezi lowered her hand, folded both of hers on the table, spine straight. Rose had never seen her so serious.

“That. Explain. What accidents?”

Tavros was still frozen by the strength of a god’s demand, so Rose jostled his shoulder not unkindly. “Could you be more specific about the accidents, Mr. Nitram? The size and severity, I should think, and frequency.”

“The type of accident,” Terezi said, and then was silent.

The boy looked from one goddess to the other. “Uhhh,” he began, brilliantly. “The…accidental type? There doesn’t seem to be much of a pattern, or anything. It could be anything, as long as the thing that it is, is a thing that is bad and happens in my vicinity. Like cars losing control of their brakes when I am at a crosswalk, or pianos, uh. Falling from the sky.”

Rose put her pen down. “No.”

Tavros nodded glumly. “The moving company said they were very sorry, but also they made a Roadrunner joke, so I don’t think they were that sorry, really.”

“Have you angered a god of cartooning, perhaps? Relieved yourself on Walt Disney’s remains?”

“I think he was cremated—”

“רייזא,” said Terezi in tones dripping gold.

Rose’s transformation was always painless. She closed her eyes and dissolved into light and thread, into gauze and magic. She was a goddess, a girl, and she was vision made malleable, and the moment Terezi called her by her secret name, she was gone from her seat.

She lay, shimmering, sheer, over Terezi’s unseeing eyes, a screen between Justice and the dark. Orange wasn’t Terezi’s color, and vague shapes moved along her skin like deep monsters half-glimpsed, but she functioned. She allowed Terezi, if not sight, then Sight.

It was only fitting, of course, that Raisa take the form of a veil when Justice called on her Raiment.

“Describe her to me,” Terezi told Tavros in her god voice. “The Girl.”

Even before Tavros began to stammer out a description, Rose could feel her take shape against Raisa’s translucent surface: a spidery woman, all elbows and knees and long, ratty hair, smile sharp like Terezi’s but full of venom, full of hunger. And yet she was beautiful; her brittle overconfidence, her lust for life, the bright joy in her laughter as she crushed fingers beneath her heel. She was Light, this one. A goddess. A god.

Dave threw open the bathroom door and all but fell on his face in his rush to reach them, still green around the gills, sunglasses askew.

“Terezi—” he started, but drew up short. Frowned.

In some ways, the bond Dave and Terezi shared went deeper than her link with Rose. Rose-to-Terezi was optimized for detail and strategy, for a conscious sorting and processing of the information they wanted to share before they chose to share it; thus, the use of skin as parchment, instant messaging for the magically inclined. Terezi-to-Dave, though, was more primal, less encumbered by the messy medium of words. They sacrificed legibility, privacy, for speed. What Terezi felt, Dave felt. It was necessary. He was her sword.

Obviously, Terezi had given him reason to think he'd be needed for something swordy. Interesting.

“Hey, coolkid,” said Terezi, mastering herself, letting the bass and treble overtones in her voice fade away. Rose couldn’t greet her brother in kind; she was too busy being a fucking veil. The image of the other goddess broke and scattered, but that hardly mattered. Rose remembered everything she Saw, as Raisa, and she knew Terezi did, too.

Just as she knew Terezi already knew the woman anyway. How else would she appear so clearly, so quickly, before their eyes?

Dave straightened slowly, unsure of his place current events, but when no danger presented itself, he just dipped his head a millimeter. “‘Sup,” he mumbled, then pushed his sunglasses back into place and rubbed the inner corners of his eyes. “You got any hangover coffee left?”

“Nope!” said Terezi, without sympathy. “Perfect timing, though, as always. Dave, you’re taking care of Mr. Nitram for us.”

He raised one pale eyebrow. “I am?”

“He, uh, is?” echoed Tavros before something furrowed his brow. He smiled his jittery, don’t-hurt-me smile again. “And where did your cashier go, all of the sudden?”

“Mmm?” Terezi hummed noncommittally.

“When you say I’m taking care of this dude,” Dave continued, “do you mean, like, taking care of him, or taking care of him—”

“Heeey," Tavros continued, grinning for real, "she wouldn’t happen to be that, uh, fashionable eyewear you’re sporting, since I hear that is a thing that you gods can do, is be each other’s clothing, and accessories.”

Tavros sounded far too excited for his own good. Terezi turned to him again through Raisa-Rose, stared for a moment, and just smiled.

“That,” she said, “would be illegal! Dave, go pack your cutest pajamas and a toothbrush. You’re seeing our gracious customer home today.”

“Why do I need my toothbrush if it’s just—”

“And then you’ll be seeing his home! A lot of it, actually, since I need you to keep an eye on him while Rose and I do a thing.” Terezi rose from the table and stretched her arms behind her back, yawned, cracked her neck. “Won’t take long! Maybe a few weeks or so.”

“Weeks.”

Dave’s deadpan was as beautifully crafted an instrument as he was, in the right hands.

Tavros’s smile wobbled at the edges. “Uhh, I don’t know if I can really support a guest, for that particularly humongous length of time—”

“Hey, I don’t want to hear it, Mr. Cocoa Krispies!” Terezi sounded like she was enjoying herself, at least. “He’s like a cat, just ignore him and he’ll take care of his own grooming and everything. Just check him for fleas before you let him on the furniture.”

“Oh, okay…”

Dave started to voice a protest, but Terezi flashed him her winningest grin—that is, the grin that told everyone she was going to win no matter what, and she was not above biting—and he shut it. All he could do was look at Terezi-and-Rose, look at Tavros, and then turn to them again, with the most minute of changes to the set of his mouth and jaw muscles that only they could read as don’t-do-this-to-me-I-thought-we-were-cool.

Rose considered feeling a little bad. Besides the tattoo, Tavros was wearing a shirt from one of those early 2000s Pokémon knockoff cartoons that even pre-kindergartners had had better taste than to watch, and Dave was still recovering from chugging an Aradia Special. His body was not prepared.

But then she remembered that he chose to do that after five previous encounters with the Aradia Special, and if that hadn’t taught him his lesson, he deserved suffering. It built character.

With that particular sense of obligation to inevitable misfortune that was just so Dave, he realized the futility of resisting his fate, sighed, and told Tavros, “We gotta stop by Walmart on the way. I’m out of Barbie bubblegum toothpaste.”

Chapter Text

TEREZI: H3R N4M3 1S VR1SK4
TEREZI: SH3’S B4D N3WS
ROSE: I gathered that much.
ROSE: A luck goddess?
TEREZI: H4!
TEREZI: 1F YOU C4N C4LL 1T TH4T
TEREZI: H3R SP3C1F1C JUR1SD1CT1ON 1S P3RSON4L M1SFORTUN3 UND3S3RV3D
TEREZI: SH3 DO3S 4 LOT OF B&3
ROSE: Breaking and 3ntering?
ROSE: Entering, I mean.
TEREZI: BR34K1NG 4ND 3X1T1NG, 4CTU4LLY
TEREZI: WH1CH C4N B3 4 LOT MOR3 D4M4G1NG WH3N W3’R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT LUCK
ROSE: Ah. She bursts onto the scene, makes a lot of noise, fools the foolhardy into believing she’s on their side, and then leaves without cleaning up?
ROSE: Charming. But hardly threatening.
TEREZI: YOU DON’T KNOW H3R L1K3 1 DO, ROS3
ROSE: …
ROSE: I hadn’t thought you’d cop to your obvious acquaintanceship so early on.
TEREZI: M4RR13D COUPL3S 4R3 SUPPOS3D TO SH4R3 TH1NGS 4R3N’T TH3Y?
TEREZI: 4LSO 1T W4S PR3TTY OBV1OUS 4ND 1 W4SN’T GO1NG TO M4K3 MYS3LF LOOK STUP1D PR3T3ND1NG SUCH A P3RC3PT1V3 W4R D31TY WOULDN’T NOT1C3
ROSE: I should never have doubted you, dearest slaver.
TEREZI: 4NYW4Y, TH3R3 1SN’T MUCH TO T3LL
TEREZI: W3 H4V3 H1STORY
TEREZI: 1 GU3SS
TEREZI: SH3’S TH3 ON3 WHO GOT 4W4Y
ROSE: Oh.
ROSE: I didn’t realize we were secure enough in our relationship to discuss lingering desire for ex-girlfriends.
ROSE: How long have we been married again?
TEREZI: TH3 ON3 WHO GOT 4W4Y FROM TH3 L4W! >:[
TEREZI: SH3’S TH3 ONLY CR1M1N4L 1’V3 F4C3D WHO 3SC4P3D H3R R1GHTFUL PUN1SHM3NT
TEREZI: SH3 RU1N3D MY STR33T CR3D!
ROSE: Terezi, since you never actually go out on the street, I’m afraid you do not, in fact, HAVE street cred.
ROSE: But I understand.
ROSE: So is she a threat?
TEREZI: MOR3 TH4N YOU C4N KNOW
ROSE: Should we have asked for our wages up front, then? The power boost from Mr. Nitram’s promised sacrifice couldn’t hurt in an altercation, surely.
TEREZI: NO
TEREZI: UNFORTUN4T3LY,
ROSE: Har har.
TEREZI: TH4T W4S NOT 4 PUN!
TEREZI: W3LL NOT 4N 1NT3NT1ON4L ON3
TEREZI: *UNFORTUN4T3LY,* 1 C4NNOT TRUST MYS3LF TO K33P MY P3RSON4L F33L1NGS OUT OF MY BUS1N3SS
TEREZI: 1F 1 C4N’T GU4R4NT33 MY OWN PROF3SS1ON4L B3H4V1OR, 1 W1LL NOT 4CC3PT P4YM3NT FOR 1T 1N 4DV4NC3
TEREZI: 1 4M 4 R3PR3S3NT4T1V3 OF TH3 L4W
TEREZI: 1 MUST B3 F41R
ROSE: Then what will you do? We should at least let Dave know what to expect.
TEREZI: D4V3 1SN’T TH3R3 TO F1GHT H3R
TEREZI: W3LL 4CTU4LLY 1F SH3 SHOWS UP TH3N BY 4LL M34NS H3 C4N 4ND SHOULD F1GHT H3R 4ND 1F H3 DO3SN’T W1N 1’M F1R1NG H1M
TEREZI: YOU’R3 R1GHT, 1’LL LOOP H1M 1N SOON
ROSE: Ok.
TEREZI: BUT SH3 WON’T B3 4BL3 TO M1SS MY M4RK ON H1M
TEREZI: SH3’LL W4TCH, 1 TH1NK, 4ND B3FOR3 SH3 C4N 4TT4CK D4V3 TO DR4W M3 OUT, W3’LL PR3S3NT H3R T4ST13R B41T
ROSE: Meaning?
TEREZI: M3
ROSE:
TEREZI:
ROSE: You’re going to leave your demesne?
TEREZI: W3LL SH3 WON’T B3 4BL3 TO SN1FF M3 OUT V3RY W3LL 1N H3R3 W1LL SHE?
ROSE: That is usually the idea behind creating such a stronghold, yes.
ROSE: Why would you risk it? And why would she come after you, if you’ve caught her before?
TEREZI: VR1SK4 C4N’T R3S1ST 4N OP3N CH4LL3NG3
TEREZI: MY PR3S3NC3 ON TH3 OUTS1D3 WOULD B3 NOTH1NG BUT!
ROSE: Can you combat her, then, on your own? I assume Dave must remain with Mr. Nitram, since you promised his protection.
TEREZI: WHY WOULD 1 B3 ON MY OWN
ROSE: Because,
ROSE: ?
TEREZI: OHHH NO, ROS3, YOU M1SUND3RST4ND
TEREZI: WH1CH 1S V3RY R4R3 FOR YOU, SO 1 W1LL L3T 1T P4SS UNT34S3D
ROSE: Thank you.
TEREZI: YOUR GR4T1TUD3 T4ST3S L1KE TH3 T4RT3ST OF J3LLYB34NS
TEREZI: ROS3 YOU’R3 COM1NG W1TH M3
TEREZI: W1TH D4V3 GU4RD1NG TH3 N1TR4M K1D, 1’LL N33D YOU
TEREZI:
TEREZI: ROS3
TEREZI: 4NSW3R M3
ROSE: You promised me my safety.
ROSE: You promised me our safety, actually.
ROSE: Dave is one thing. He is reduced, but he can still fight, at least long enough for the instant it will take you, bumping elbows at the subconscious level as you are, to realize he’s in danger.
ROSE: I have neither such defense nor such a sensitive alarm.
ROSE: To leave Gods’ Grotto would be asking my old enemies, should they discover me, to eat me alive.
TEREZI: SH3’S MY R3SPONS1B1L1TY, ROS3
ROSE: So am I.
TEREZI:
ROSE: But I don’t have much choice, do I.
TEREZI: ROS3
TEREZI: 1 SW34R ON MY N4M3 1 W1LL NOT L34V3 YOUR S1D3
ROSE: Should I pretend to be happy about that?
TEREZI: NO
TEREZI: NOT R1GHT NOW, 4T L34ST
TEREZI: BUT TH3 M4RR13D COUPL3 COV3R 1S 4 PR3TTY GOOD ON3, 1SN’T 1T?
ROSE: Right.
ROSE: I’ll start packing.
TEREZI: ROS3, 1’M
TEREZI:
TEREZI: 1’LL 3MPTY TH3 FR1DG3
ROSE: Fine.
TEREZI: Y34H
TEREZI: OK

“Fuck,” she said, to no one in particular.

ROSE: You’re sure of this location?
TEREZI: 1T’S V1S1BL3, D3F3NS1BL3
TEREZI: 4ND CH34P 4S FUCK
ROSE: Great. Are there rats?
ROSE: On second thought, don’t tell me. For once in my tireless existence, I may find ignorance somehow transmogrified to bliss.
ROSE: Perhaps we could get a cat.
TEREZI: L3T’S S3TTL3 1N F1RST, SH4LL W3?
TEREZI: PROT3CT1V3 W4RDS G3T SO FUSSY 1F 3V3N 4 L1TTL3 P1SS G3TS 1N TH3 P41NT
ROSE: I’ve always wanted a cat.
TEREZI: 4NYTH1NG FOR YOU, D34R

ROSE: Ok. Nice try, but that was not a cat.
ROSE: I know blindness presents its challenges, but surely it did not smell, taste, nor feel like a cat?
ROSE: I would be surprised if it did, since it appeared to be an uprooted basil plant.
TEREZI: 1T W4S 1ND33D 4N UPROOT3D B4S1L PL4NT!
TEREZI: 4 BR1LL14NT D3DUCT1ON FROM MY MOST TRUST3D D1V1N3R
ROSE: I am your only diviner, barring you yourself.
ROSE: Should I ask you why you left a dead basil plant at the door? Are you suggesting that you stand in for my long-awaited Lord Archibald Fluffikins by bringing me things you’ve dragged off the floor as strange, dirty tokens of your affection?
TEREZI: Y3S!
TEREZI: BUT NO 4CTU4LLY 1 JUST SM3LL3D 1T 1N OUR N31GHBOR’S Y4RD 4ND THOUGHT OF YOU >:]
ROSE: Hm.
ROSE: So my scent reminds you of…pizza?
TEREZI: Y3S
TEREZI: NO
TEREZI: TH3 MOR3 4TTR4CT1V3 4NSW3R
TEREZI: FOR TH3 R3CORD, 1 LOV3 P1ZZ4, 1 COULD SM3LL 1T 4LL D4Y
TEREZI: *SN1111111111111FFFFFF*
TEREZI: 444HH
ROSE: How romantic.
ROSE: In the future, a rose would suffice as such a token. It still covers that dead plant angle and is a bit more traditional.
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO PUT TH3 B4S1L 1N 4 V4S3 DOWNST41RS 4ND S1GH DR34M1LY OV3R MY STR4NG3, D1RTY 4FF3CT1ONS?
ROSE: It’s too late for that.
ROSE: I made pesto.
TEREZI: >:O
ROSE: You’ll like it. It’s full of garlic.
TEREZI: 1 DON’T D3S3RV3 YOU
ROSE: I know. Pasta’s ready. Get it while it’s hot.
TEREZI: <3

Every Friday, Rose would warn Terezi of the approaching sundown. Two candles were lit, and Rose watched the god of small justice close her blind eyes and pray silently, full of movement, in the language of Raisa’s name. It was no different in their temporary quarters, waiting for Vriska to launch her attack.

ROSE: It doesn’t strike you as odd?
ROSE: For beings like us to participate in the rituals of a religion that brooks no gods but One.
TEREZI: WHO B3TT3R TH4N 4 GODD3SS WHO R3C31V3S P3OPL3’S PR4Y3RS TO UND3RST4ND TH3 N33D FOR 4 H1GH3R POW3R
TEREZI: B3S1D3S
TEREZI: 1 L1K3 TH3 F33L OF 1T 1N MY MOUTH
TEREZI: GUTTUR4L RS H4V3 SUCH T3XTUR3!
ROSE: That can’t be the reason you follow this so,
ROSE: Well.
ROSE: Religiously.
ROSE: Do you believe in it?
TEREZI: DO3S 1T M4TT3R?
ROSE: I’d like to know.
TEREZI: CUR1OS3R 4ND CUR1OS3R!
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 4LW4YS SO CUR1OUS, K1TT3N BUTT
ROSE: I can’t fathom where you got the idea that adding “butt” to things signals endearment.
TEREZI: HOW COULD 4NYON3 D3NY TH4T CUT3 F4C3 WH3N YOU G3T 4LL L1T UP 4BOUT 4 MYST3RY?
TEREZI: BUT, CURS3S! 1 MUST F1ND 4 W4Y
ROSE: Sign.
TEREZI: 4FT3R 4LL, 1F 1 H4D NO MYST3R13S L3FT, YOU’D LOS3 4LL 1NT3R3ST
TEREZI: 4ND 1’M 1NV3ST3D 1N K33P1NG OUR M4RR14G3 SP1CY FOR YOU >:]
ROSE: I have a Sassy Nature, you know. That means I prefer bitter tastes.
TEREZI: YOUR W31RD POK3MON R3F3R3NC3 1S NOT3D!
TEREZI: HOW MUCH OR4S H4V3 YOU B33N PL4Y1NG??
ROSE: Attempting to lure dangerous disaster goddesses out of hiding has proved much more boring than I anticipated.
TEREZI: SHOULD 1 CH4NG3 YOUR N1CKN4M3 TO SK1TTY BUTT?
ROSE: You don’t have to.
ROSE: In any case, I’ll let the topic drop. I won’t impinge on your spiritual mystery a moment longer.
TEREZI: YOUR GR4C3FUL SURR3ND3R 1S 4LSO NOT3D
TEREZI: N4Y, 1 1NT3ND TO R3W4RD 1T W1TH SOM3 P4RT OF TH3 4NSW3R YOUR NOSY QU3ST1ON1NG D1DN’T 3L1C1T!
ROSE: My goodness. I await this revelation with bated breath.
TEREZI: WH1L3 1 DON’T F33L L1K3 GO1NG 1NTO MY B3L13FS, 4S TH31R R1CHN3SS 4ND COMPL3X1TY D3FY TH3 P1DDL1NG SCOP3 OF M3R3 LOG1C
ROSE: Naturally.
TEREZI: 1’LL R34D1LY 4DM1T TH4T 1 F1ND SOM3TH1NG WORTHWH1L3 1N TH3 P3RFORM4NC3 OF R1TU4L 1TS3LF
TEREZI: 1N FOLLOW1NG 4 SCR1PT TH4T H4S S3RV3D P34S4NTS 4ND K1NGS 4L1K3 FOR THOUS4NDS OF Y34RS, 1 AM US1NG 1TS FORMUL4S TO BR34K DOWN 4ND 4N4LYZ3 MY OWN THOUGHTS
TEREZI: TH3 P3T1T1ON4RY PR4Y3RS R3V34L TO M3 WH4T 1T R34LLY 1S TH4T TROUBL3S M3, WH1CH 1S TH3 F1RST ST3P TO DO1NG SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT 1T 4ND PUTT1NG MY M1ND 4T 34S3
TEREZI: H4V1NG THE SP4C3 TO B3 HON3ST W1TH MYS3LF 1N 4 HUMBL3 W4Y K33PS TH3 COURS3 OF MY CONSC13NC3 TRU3
TEREZI: 1 C4N B3 SUR3 1 4M 4LW4YS DO1NG TH3 R1GHT TH1NG
TEREZI: 3V3N 1F 1T F33LS WRONG SOM3T1M3S
TEREZI: 4ND 1 L1K3 TH1S P4RT1CUL4R TR4D1T1ON
TEREZI: TH3Y H4V3 SOM3 *F4SC1N4T1NG* P3RSP3CT1V3S ON L4W
ROSE: That was,
ROSE: Surprisingly genuine. And personal. I wasn’t expecting such a heartfelt answer.
ROSE: Thank you. I think?
TEREZI: YOU SHOULD TRY 1T SOM3T1M3!
ROSE: Prayer?
TEREZI: 3XP3CT1NG H34RTF3LT 4NSW3RS FROM M3 WH3N YOU 4SK
ROSE:
ROSE: I’ll think about it.

A series of text messages:

DAVE: so is anything on fire yet im asking for a friend with a betting pool
ROSE: Tell your friend it’s rude to wager money on the domestic incompetence of friends of and/or siblings of friends, and particularly unwise when one is but a hair removed from being a goddess of vengeance and the other knows where you sleep.
ROSE: Also, I’ve arranged matters so that if both of us die, you do NOT actually get either of our shit.
DAVE: what thats such baloney
ROSE: Your face is baloney.
ROSE: Not even the real kind, which is spelled bologna, by the way. Pinkish, rubbery, fakey fake baloney.
DAVE: your face is spelled bolognognoggola and also the pink kind is the best fu
DAVE: really though if you havent managed ridiculous tiers of destruction by now im going to have to check in on yall to make sure you havent been replaced with pod people
DAVE: pod gods
DAVE: pogs
ROSE: I can assure you, weird gaming fads from the nineties have no place in our temporary abode.
DAVE: damn
ROSE: Except Pokémon.
DAVE: hahahaha nerds
ROSE: We’re ok, Dave. Terezi and I are getting along swimmingly, and Terezi only set off the fire alarm once by attempting to make ghost pepper chips in the oven.
ROSE: Were you worried?
DAVE: nah
DAVE: i guess im just on edge a lil from roomieing it up with this total weeby dork for so long
DAVE: i can feel my cool dude having a chill eternity hit points dwindling to nothing as we speak
DAVE: he kind of reminds me of john except terrible
DAVE: hell i wonder how that kids doing
ROSE: Fine, I expect. John’s the type who could faceplant in a pigsty and come up with a rose between his teeth.
DAVE: if thats some kind of gross innuendo i completely dont want to know
ROSE: How ARE things with you and Mr. Nitram?
DAVE: theyre ok i guess
DAVE: despite my bitching hes not totally awful
DAVE: kind of an ass about understanding when hes crossed a personal line but only when hes not umming and hawing like some kind of japanophile shrinking violet
DAVE: do violets actually shrink i dont know anything about horticulture
ROSE: No clue.
DAVE: anyway were working on it
DAVE: i think he just needs a friend
DAVE: someone to call him out when hes being a tool but sticks around anyway
ROSE: Awww, you care.
DAVE: look how else is he gonna learn
DAVE: and some actual goddamn self esteem would make him harder to bully even spiritually at least
DAVE: then maybe i can blow this dump
DAVE: no matter what shampoo i use i cant get the eau d’instant ramen out of my golden locks
ROSE: I believe in you.
ROSE: Ganbatte kudasai, Oniichan.
DAVE: rose
DAVE: hey
DAVE: can you do me one favor while im languishing out here alone and friendless on nerd planet waiting for death
ROSE: Anything, brother mine.
DAVE: can you never ever say anything even close to that again thanks

TEREZI: W4S TH4T D4V3?
ROSE: Yes. He’s concerned for us, I think.
ROSE: Remind me. Why are we maintaining the fiction of our marriage? Other than protecting ourselves against the off chance Mr. Vantas decides to drop in on our belated honeymoon.
ROSE: How does it help us with Vriska?
ROSE: She knows you’re after her. You wouldn’t come out if you weren’t.
TEREZI: Y34H SH3’S NOT 4N 1D1OT
TEREZI: BUT SH3 TH1NKS OTH3R P3OPL3 4R3
ROSE: Not you?
TEREZI: 3V3N M3!
TEREZI: OK M4YB3 SH3 JUST TH1NKS 1’M H4LF 4N 1D1OT, S1NC3 1 C4UGHT H3R, BUT 1 WON’T BR34K MY OWN RUL3S 3V3N WH3N TH3Y 4R3 TO MY D1S4DV4NT4G3
TEREZI: 4LL TH4T 4S1D3, THOUGH
TEREZI: SH3 KNOWS TH4T 3V3N MY UNP4R4LL3L3D M3NT4L 4CU1TY C4N B3 DULL3D BY C3RT41N
TEREZI: F4CTORS >:[
ROSE: Such as?
TEREZI: …
TEREZI: LOV3, 1 GU3SS
ROSE: Oh.
TEREZI: 1F W3 CONV1NC3 H3R TH4T W3’R3 R34LLY G3TT1NG DOWN TO TH3 “SMOOCHY WOOCHUMS 1 4DOR3 YOU SO” T4NGO, SH3 M1GHT TH1NK 1’M D1STR4CT3D JUST SO
TEREZI: YOU WOULD G1V3 M3 4 BL1ND SPOT, SO TO SP34K
ROSE: I see.
TEREZI: SH3 WON’T P4SS UP 4N OPPORTUN1TY L1K3 TH4T
TEREZI: TO H4V3 M3 SO VULN3R4BL3, 4T H3R M3RCY
TEREZI: 1T’D M4K3 UP FOR H3R 34RL13R HUM1L14T1ON 1N LOS1NG 4G41NST M3
TEREZI: JUST1C3 S3RV3D TO SM4LL JUST1C3
TEREZI: SH3’D 34T TH4T UP L1K3 P3RF3CTLY C4RV3D GOBBL3B34ST W1TH CR4NB3RRY S4UC3
TEREZI: 4ND 1 1NT3ND TO S3T TH4T D1SH B3FOR3 H3R W1TH SO MUCH CR4NB3RRY S4UC3 H34P3D UPON MY T3ND3R FL3SH SH3 WON’T 3V3N S33 TH3 KN1F3 TUCK3D 1NTO TH3
TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU C4LL 1T
TEREZI: TH3 HOL3 1NS1D3 TH3 TURK3Y TH4T YOU G3T TO B3TW33N TH3 L3GS
TEREZI: TH3 C4RC4SS C4V1TY
TEREZI: TH3 POULTRY HOL3
TEREZI: POST3R1OR 1NT3R1OR
TEREZI: 4SS 4BYSS?
TEREZI: NO 1 GOT 1T, TH3 BUTT3RB4LL BUTT B4LLOON!
TEREZI: HOLY SH1T ROS3 1S TH4T YOU L4UGH1NG 1 C4N H34R YOU 4LL THE W4Y UPST41RS DO 1 N33D TO C4LL 4N 4MBUL4NC3

DAVE: really though is everything ok
DAVE: with you and tz i mean
ROSE: Dave, we’re perfectly safe. Well, as safe as we can be with a vengeful spirit of misfortune waiting in ambush.
DAVE: i meant more
DAVE: like
DAVE: with your feelings
ROSE: ?
DAVE: look i know you hate her for making us her three sacred treasures or whatever even though theres only two of us but shes not BAD
DAVE: shes just trying to do the right thing
ROSE: Dave.
DAVE: rose she saved our lives
DAVE: if she hadnt taken us we wouldve
DAVE: or i wouldve
DAVE: you know what wouldve happened and its not like she had to help us so maybe itd be better if you two like
ROSE: Dave, enough.
ROSE: I know.
DAVE: ok
ROSE: I don’t hate Terezi.
DAVE: oh
ROSE: She’s obnoxious, but so are you, brother mine.
DAVE: thanks
ROSE: You’re welcome.
ROSE: What do you want me to say? I know she’s trying to do the right thing. She took on Tavros’s case because it WAS the right thing to do; he’s annoying, but deserves a life he need not fear for.
ROSE: She’s fun. I enjoy her company. She’s by turns witty, brilliant, and just the right kind of dangerous to keep my days interesting. These several days have been entertaining, if a little stifling, not being able to go outside.
DAVE: but
ROSE: But it does hurt that she would risk my very existence for a job that doubles as a stab at payback.
ROSE: I don’t appreciate being part of someone else’s personal vendetta.
DAVE: really
ROSE: Really.
ROSE: Not without choosing to, at least.
DAVE: isnt that really what its about
DAVE: you love being vindictive at people you just dont like anyone having any hold over you
ROSE:
DAVE: pounded the nail on the noggin didnt i
ROSE: That’s not a thing. Use real metaphorical clichés like the rest of us.
DAVE: shed let you go if you asked
ROSE: Yes.
DAVE: but you wont ask unless i do
ROSE: Yes.
DAVE: do you want me to
ROSE: Does it matter?
DAVE: youre my sister
ROSE:
ROSE:
ROSE: Don’t ask her.
DAVE: why not
DAVE: she wont tell me no
ROSE: You’re safer with her.
DAVE: so are you
ROSE: Usually.
DAVE: always
ROSE: Ah.
ROSE: You really trust her that much.
DAVE: i trust her to be what she is rose
ROSE: Small justice.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: shes that
DAVE: and shes terezi pyrope
ROSE: And just who is Terezi Pyrope that I should see my life in her hands without qualms?
DAVE: jesus christ rose its not like you havent lived with her the same almost six years i have
DAVE: if you dont have an answer for that by now why dont you just ASK
ROSE: And admit I don’t know something? Perish the thought.
DAVE: prissy know it all flighty broad horseshit will be the fuckin death of me
ROSE: I told you that eons ago.
DAVE: case in point
ROSE: Touché.
DAVE: just think about it ok
DAVE: and if you end up deciding you do want out ill go with you
DAVE: im strong enough again to hold my own
DAVE: motherfucking puppet dandy wont never touch you again
ROSE: …
ROSE: Thank you, Dave.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: love ya sis
ROSE: Gross. Good night, cootielord.

The next night, she helped Terezi light the candles, and though she did not know the words, she stood by Terezi through her prayers and ordered thoughts of her own.

Anyway, it was past time for something to happen already.

TEREZI: WHO4
TEREZI: L3T M3 S4Y TH4T 4G41N 1 S4Y
TEREZI: WHOOOO444 >:O
ROSE: Mmm. Was it good for you, too?
TEREZI: WH3R3 D1D TH4T 3V3N COM3 FROM
ROSE: I thought a concrete demonstration of our affections would be more…
ROSE: Persuasive.
ROSE: You HAVE left cracks in our defenses to allow Vriska to monitor our activities, yes?
TEREZI: 1F 1 KN3W VOY3UR1SM W4S YOUR K1NK 1 WOULD H4V3 DON3 SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT TH4T Y34RS 4GO
ROSE: It would be exhibitionism, in this case.
TEREZI: S3M4NT1CS 4R3 TH3 L34ST S3XY P1LLOW T4LK
ROSE: I thought you promised never to kinkshame me.
TEREZI: 4NYW4Y OF COURS3 1 L3FT VR1SK4 SOM3 P33PHOL3S WH4T K1ND OF NOV1C3 DO YOU T4K3 M3 FOR
TEREZI: ST1LL
TEREZI: M4YB3 W3 SHOULD DO TH4T 4G41N
TEREZI: JUST 1N C4S3 SH3 D1DN’T S33 >;]
ROSE: Oh, very well. Let me just drink some water first.
ROSE: And only because your winking faces are so handsome.
TEREZI: 1’M SUR3 1 C4N G3T MY WHOLE TONGU3 DOWN YOUR THRO4T TH1S T1M3
ROSE: What unearthly bad erotica have you been reading, my dear cabbage spouse?
ROSE: But,
ROSE: You can try. ;)

TEREZI: TH1NK SH3 C4UGHT 1T TH4T T1M3?
ROSE: Terezi, why are you writing to me. I’m right beside you.
TEREZI: 1 H4V3N’T C4UGHT MY BR34TH Y3T YOU M1NX
TEREZI: HOW D1D YOU *DO* TH4T?
ROSE: I’ll tell you sometime, perhaps.
ROSE: After all, if I had no mysteries left, you’d lose all interest.
TEREZI: 1 STRONGLY DOUBT TH4T
TEREZI: NOT 4FT3R TH4T TH1NG YOU D1D W1TH YOUR F1NG3RS H4LFW4Y THROUGH
TEREZI: WOWZ4
ROSE: Oh, flattery will get you everywhere.
TEREZI: W3LL OF COURS3 1T W1LL, YOU’R3 4 GOD
ROSE: True.
ROSE: Though I haven’t functioned as one in some time, I suppose I still long for paeans to my glory.
TEREZI:
ROSE: That’s not an invitation to sing, by the way. I’m just feeling nostalgic in the afterglow. Don’t ruin this for me, you’re as tone-deaf as you are blind.
TEREZI: ROS3
TEREZI: C4N 1 T3LL YOU SOM3TH1NG?

Rose blinked, then pushed herself up on one elbow. Terezi was staring sightlessly at the ceiling, hands folded on her sternum, dark hair strewn about her nearly like a halo. Her wedding ring was on her finger. Rose couldn’t remember the last time Terezi had taken it off.

“Married couples are supposed to share things,” she murmured, watching her imitation lover.

Terezi turned her face in Rose’s direction, and, without rising, reached unerringly for her hand. She held it cupped in her own, pale knuckles to golden palm, and wrote, with the tip of her finger, directly on Rose’s skin.

TEREZI: VR1SK4 W4S TH3 ON3 WHO BL1ND3D M3

The words drew themselves in glowing ink on both of them, shining through the cracks between their hands. Rose closed her eyes, waited a beat, then lifted her hand to trace along the bared skin of Terezi’s arm.

ROSE: I know.

Terezi’s turn to shut her eyes. Lavender and turquoise light cast faint shadows through her eyelashes, and for a moment, she looked delicate, almost human.

“The bad luck doesn’t just flow out from her,” she croaked out. “She fucks herself over more than anyone else. Everything she tries to do is doomed to fail.”

A swallow and a sigh. Biting her lip, Terezi covered her eyes with her forearm and forced out, “I guess I pitied her for that. I was a proud enough dumbass back then to think I could help her.” She laughed, and she must have been rubbing off on Rose, because it tasted bitter even to her. “God. I was so young.”

“Terezi.” Rose slid her fingers beneath Terezi’s arm and lifted it away, gently, so she could see Terezi’s face. “We were all young, once.”

Terezi looked at her—blinked without seeing—and gripped Rose’s hands, pressed them to her forehead to hide her expression as if Rose were Raisa. As if she were the veil and not the woman, and Terezi child enough to seek a hiding place in her.

Her finger trembled against Rose’s arm.

TEREZI: 1 LOV3D H3R
TEREZI: SH3 US3D M3
TEREZI: L1K3 1’M US1NG YOU

Rose didn’t write back. She only cradled the side of Terezi’s face and whispered, “I know that, too.”

She didn’t want there to be enough light to make out whether or not Terezi was crying.

TEREZI: 4FT3R TH1S
TEREZI: 4FT3R 1 K1LL H3R
TEREZI: YOU'LL B3 FR33

Rose said nothing. She couldn’t.

TEREZI: DO YOU TH1NK
TEREZI: 1 W1LL B3, TOO?

It didn’t matter, now, whether Terezi wept or not. Rose bent and kissed those fragile eyelids and said nothing but her name.

“Terezi. Terezi.”

“I’ll protect your name as my own,” Terezi promised.

Chapter Text

Seven weeks had passed since the start of their adventure when Rose woke up alone.

It wasn’t the alone of Terezi microwaving turkey bacon like a heathen, nor the alone Rose could find for herself retreating to the balcony for a smoke. Rose knew, instantaneously, that Terezi was nowhere within the apartment’s protections, nor, after some straining of her perception, even within the apartment building.

She threw on a cardigan over her nightgown anyway to check the balcony, just in case.

“She flew the coop early this morning, you know. Proooooooobably to draw my attention.”

Like a locust dyed plaid, or an umbrella warped into modern art, Vriska Serket sat folded on the railing of the opposite balcony in ripped jeans and a faded flannel shirt five sizes too big.

“I take back everything I said about Terezi’s sense of fashion,” said Rose. “She’s blind. What’s your excuse?”

The friendliness left Vriska’s face swiftly, clouds driven by a stiff, capricious wind. “Wow, I didn’t expect you to snark at me right off the bat! We’re like sisters by proxy, Lalonde. Show a little respect.”

“Hmm.” Rose folded her arms primly and gave Terezi’s lost prey the Lalonde Once-over. “My guess is a nineties grunge band threw up on you and you’ve simply been washing the same outfit since then. Then being the nineties, if that was unclear.”

“Snark snark snark, I’m Rose Lalonde and I’m soooooooo smart.” Vriska rolled her eyes—her eye, really, the other bore a patch, and was there a story behind that?—and unfolded like an accordion, all spindly limbs. “Riddle me this, Golden Girl. If you’re so smart, why are you sticking by a loser like Terezi?" Rose narrowed her eyes. Vriska smirked. "You’ve got options.”

“Do I?”

How far did the apartment’s security magic extend? If Vriska were close enough, the anti-intrusion spells would have activated, but perhaps one of the early warning alarms, some kind of sensory spell…?

Rose wanted Terezi here. Now.

“Sure you do! Allow me to be the bearer of great news.” Did she just—all right. Vriska really did just flip her hair. Goodness, but the nineties were here with a vengeance. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt nostalgic for Charlie's Angels. “You could join up with me! This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance, Rose, you really should be thanking me for my forethought, here. Don’t you want out of that stuffy old contract?”

Rose found herself twisting her ring anxiously and moved her hands to her sides. “Most people wouldn’t see marriage as a contract, you know. It does take the romance out of it.”

Vriska threw her head back and laughed, a loud cascade of amusement. “Ahahahahahahaha!” It sounded as staged as Terezi’s cackles were genuine. “Romance!” Her head came down again, eyebrows drawn down mean. “Don’t make me laugh, Lalonde. If you two are married, I’m a human!”

This time, Rose kept her mouth shut. Either Vriska would make her point, or Terezi would finally arrive. Where was she?

Denied a reaction, Vriska huffed and flipped her hair again. Perhaps she should see a hairdresser, if it was getting so constantly in her way. Long hair was so impractical. “Are you the one who’s blind? It’s obvious to anyone with even half an eye that you’re her slave. Hey, are you Raiment or Armament? I bet you’re Raiment, prissypants, you seem the type.”

Rose tried to send Terezi some kind of magic message, a mental nudge, anything. She’s here, you hapless ninny! But their connection didn’t work like that, and she couldn’t write while Vriska was watching. Watching and leering.

“Wait! Are you her panties? Hahahahahahahaha!” She kicked her legs like a child at the fair and hopped a little closer. “Oh my god, wouldn’t that be perfect? You’d have to be some sheer, lacy thing. Holy shit, that would explain that little display last week. This is too rich!”

And she leaned as far forward as she could, just a nose’s length from brushing the barrier Rose knew was there. “But it doesn’t have to be that way. Break it off with Terezi and join my crew. I can offer you whatever she did and more. Soooooooo much more. I won’t even have to kill her! It’s win-win-win for all three of us.”

Ah, there. An opening. Rose widened her stance. “You don’t want to? Kill her, I mean. I was under the impression you were arch-nemeses, very Lupin and Holmes.”

“Well.” There it was again, that outrageous hair-flip. “A good foil’s hard to come by these days, you know? We managed to leave each other alone this long, I don’t mind letting bygones be bygones if she doesn’t.”

“You’re afraid of her.”

Vriska had been annoyed before. Now she was furious, all thunderheads and gales. “What the fuck?!”

Rose allowed herself the cruelest smile she’d worn in ages. She lifted her hands, but, no, Dave wouldn’t come. No matter. If Vriska could hurt her, she would have already. “You don’t want to face her. Afraid your luck won’t hold, are you?”

The goddess snarled, spitting lightning from her eye, and Rose said, light as a spring rain, “You chose to try me, a woman ensconced within walls of brick and magic, rather than attack Terezi, unarmed, alone, out in the open, wherever she is. You’re afraid you’ll lose.”

“Fuck you!” said Vriska, which Rose would have counted as ROSE: 1, VRISKA: 0 for the day if she hadn’t immediately followed the words with a bolt of pure rage.

The power broke against Terezi’s wards, but Rose dashed inside anyway, laughing breathlessly to keep the panic at bay. She couldn’t help but remember what Terezi had said about peepholes. Was Vriska’s power enough to widen them? Shit, she was boned.

“Was that a trigger? I do apologize,” she called over her shoulder, feeling terrified, exhilarated, and anything but apologetic. “I’d have thought your skin would be thicker, since you already lost to her before!”

”I didn’t lose!” Vriska unleashed a barrage of light-bombs at the barrier, and Rose ducked and rolled as plaster shook loose from the ceiling. “I never lose! You all don’t get it, she’s the one who got fucked over!”

“Really?” Rose answered, darting to the kitchen for a weapon, anything. The knives would be useless, she knew, nothing could hurt a god but—

“Dewydd,” she hissed, but she’d lost him, there wasn’t even a shred of power in the name she’d given her brother so long ago. She took a deep breath and grabbed a skillet no one had washed instead. This was it, she understood. She was going to die as she lived: Living out a joke in some ancient cartoon. “Because it seems to me you came out of that altercation rather worse for wear yourself. Or does the patch simply hide how ugly you are, spiderbitch?”

Whatever Vriska replied was made incoherent by fury and the breaking of the first wall. Rose steeled herself for worse.

“Get the hell off my lawn, Vriska!”

Terezi dropped out of nowhere, Dave—no, Davan—in both hands, swinging the blade down at Vriska’s skull like an avenging angel. Vriska crossed her arms over her head and grunted as Davan’s blade bit into her shields, but then she roared and flung Terezi towards their apartment. Catlike, Terezi twisted in mid-air and grabbed for the balcony railing—

“Terezi, higher!”

—And missed.

Rose Saw it the moment before it happened but she was too far—eight steps from the kitchen to the balcony, one more to the railing, Terezi, no—and then Dave was there. He gritted his teeth as he tried to pull Terezi up with one arm, bent double over the rail but feet planted on the right side of it, thank god.

Vriska rose behind them, buoyed by power alone, and lifted one white-hot hand.

The Sight wasn’t over. Magic and fury balled into a small, bright sun above Vriska’s head, fist-sized, too bright to look at, strong enough to punch through steel plate. Dave would see it coming but not in time to pull them both behind the barrier, would shield his master—his friend—with his body, as if flesh would make a difference.

And Terezi would see it, too, would See what Dave would do, and would shove him behind her wards before he could move. Would take that burning star in the back, alone outside her own barrier, abandoned by all but her promise to keep them safe.

No, thank you.

“REZARTA! To me!”

Terezi gasped, but that was all she had time for as her body dissolved into light and thread, a wave of synaptic impulses that scattered and shone around Rose, around the goddess who’d called her by a True Name. Dave tripped backwards onto his ass but Rose was already past him, vaulting onto the railing, leaping into nothing—

And floating there, held by her own power and Terezi’s, feeling the sun on her face for the first time in her seven years of servitude.

Rezarta was neither blade nor veil, but armor: a glimmering, radiant robe that shifted colors with the wind, full-sleeved, wide-skirted, lined with dragonscale. Rose felt vast, like an expanse of cloudless, summer sky, like light dancing on the ocean; she felt enveloped, wrapped in comfort and wry affection, and knowing, wisecracking pleasure. In one way, it was as if a dragon circled her, bestowing its majesty upon her. In another, it was as if Terezi had one arm around her shoulders, grinning widely, unafraid.

Clothed in Terezi’s feelings for her, Rose felt strong.

Vriska balked and lost her grip on the power she’d gathered; it dissipated in an eddy of sparks soon extinguished. She wouldn’t be calling it back.

“Dew—” Rose began to call, but stopped herself. Or perhaps it was Rezarta who stilled her hand, who told her, not so fast, hot stuff. you’re not who you were, and neither is he. you’ve changed. own it.

Yes. That felt right. “דוד,” she said instead, and when he came to her hand, he was a longsword, beautiful, straight-edged and bright. Words engraved the blade, and if Rose read them, she would know them; she didn’t have time now. A single ruby sat in the hilt.

beloved, purred Rezarta, unheard-but-heard. i like it.

“Of course you do,” said Rose, and raised her weapon above her head.

Light slammed down in a beam thick as an oak tree, drawn to David-Rezarta-Rose like they were a lightning rod, like they were steel. It filled Rose and overfilled her, and she was alive, she was powerful, she was who she was and loved by the gods she held. She took her brother-blade in two hands, gauntlets inlaid with palladium as familiar against her skin as the warmth of a lover’s hand, and slashed at Vriska’s rapidly retreating form. An iridescent, humming shockwave spun from the blade.

The girl shrieked and vanished in a burst of torn flannel and hair.

And so did most of the neighborhood.

Somehow, no one was hurt, which Terezi tried to put down to her excellent planning but Rose ascribed to pure, happy luck. It made Terezi’s mouth squinch up to one side, but she was too pensive of late to argue, even though the air since their return to the bookshop was much relieved of its previous tension. Even Tavros was happy, despite the destruction of his neighborhood. Apparently, Dave had been such an awkward turtle at the university anime club, it had fallen to Tavros to help him make friends. As a result, Tavros found his niche and could nearly make it through an entire clause without stammering.

The flipside was that Tavros had inducted Dave into Team Valor, and Rose and Terezi had hardly seen him in the meantime.

Not that that was necessarily bad. It gave them a lot of time to talk.

“I was always free, wasn’t I?” Rose asked her one Saturday morning, sleepy and warm.

“Not exactly,” said Terezi. “I did have your name. I do have your name. You’re sort of not even free now, Jellybean.”

Rose rolled over and blew, rather than brushed, Terezi’s hair out of her face. “But I have yours. Did I always?”

“Sort of.” Terezi shrugged. “Don’t pout at me.”

“I’m not.”

“Lying to the defense!” Terezi stroked Rose’s hair indulgently. “You would have had my name, but you never asked for it.”

“Then how…no.” Rose nuzzled into the crook of Terezi’s neck. “It was from knowing you, wasn’t it? I deduced your name from that.”

“And trusting me,” Terezi added. “It wouldn’t have worked if you didn’t believe that was the real me all along. Also, if I didn't trust you with every fiber of my being, we would have been vaporized instantly by whatever Vriska was cooking up! Good thing I'm such a good sport about these things.” She winked.

Rose pushed herself up over Terezi. “Tell me,” she said, “is it illegal? Us. What we’re doing right now.”

Terezi’s hand pushed itself elsewhere. “Depends on the U.S. state,” she replied, grinning wickedly.

Both looked up as one with the same annoyed frown as someone stepped over the ward at the front door.

“Customer for you,” said Rose.

“Bluuuugghhh, argh, why don’t you ever have customers,” Terezi grumbled as she shimmied out from under Rose to put a shirt on.

“Not much call for fortune in battle these days, I guess.” Rose sank back into the sheets and stretched languidly. "Or books."

“Mrr,” said Lord Archibald Fluffikins as he leaped up to join her.

(He was the reason Terezi had been out, that morning. As was his kitten prerogative, he'd slept through the whole confrontation with Vriska and only started wailing for attention when he’d realized he was hungry.)

Terezi snatched one corner of the comforter and flapped it rudely at them. “Up! If I have to suffer the insufferable drudgery of customer service this early on the day of rest, so does the rest of my household. Justice tolerates no slackers! Hop to it!”

“You’re not the boss of me anymore,” Rose informed her, but Fluffy had already scampered under the bed, and she sighed and picked up a brush.

“Mr. Vantas,” Terezi was saying when Rose came down the stairs, but it was so close to a question Rose had to hurry (discreetly) to peek over her shoulder at their visitor.

“Hello,” she said. “You’re not Kankri.”

“Damn right I’m not,” said their new moral inspector. “And if you could never mention that guy within earshot of my sensitive auricular sponges, I’d appreciate it, fuck you very much.”

“And we should call you…?” Rose continued.

“Arbiter Vantas,” said Arbiter Vantas-Who-Was-Not-Kankri-Vantas, And-Was-Also-Grumpier-Than-Terezi-and-Rose, Even-On-A-Saturday. “He’s busy investigating an incident outside Gods’ Grotto, thank god. Just tell me no one here’s in violation of basic heavenly decency and we’ll all get out of each other’s supercranial fur.”

Terezi leaned over to Rose’s ear. “I like this one.”

“And I like when people don’t ‘whisper’ about me right in front of my fucking face, holy shit.” The look he shot Terezi could peel wallpaper with its acidic scorn. “Volume modulation. Have you heard of it?”

“Nope!” she replied.

“Just tell me no one here's getting fucked over and I’ll go,” he said.

Rose stroked her imaginary beard. “Hypothetically, would a two-way Raiment arrangement in which both parties assume mutual claim to one another’s services fall under the definition of ‘getting fucked over’?”

She allowed him a moment to digest the question. “Sure,” he finally said, frowning mightily. "Why not? It sounds fucked up enough."

“Ah. Then no. We’re just married,” she said with chipper good cheer. Terezi showed him her ring, grinning dopily. "Same difference."

“Glad to hear it. See you weirdos hopefully never again,” he said, and closed the door behind him.

“Should we have mentioned Dave?” Rose wondered aloud as she searched the cash register for a spare headband.

Terezi was ‘watching’ Vantas the Second leave from the window. “Nah,” she said. “He smelled like a greenhorn all over, he wouldn’t know what to do with a custody battle as deliciously tangled as ours.

“He has a nice ass, too,” she concluded, and that was that.

Rose began sorting books, but Terezi fell into a highly uncharacteristic silence, and eventually, Rose had to break it.

“Terezi?”

“You let her go.”

Ah. It had been only two days since they’d booked it from the destruction of their apartment, and as elated as they’d been to have the secret out, to have the struggle over, they hadn’t found time to discuss the goddess who’d brought it all to a head.

Rose bent to retrieve something from beneath the counter. “Yes, I did.”

Terezi finally turned in her direction. “Why? She’s just going to cause more trouble. For both of us, now that you kicked her ass so spectacularly.”

Yes. Rose didn’t answer, not for some time. “Because you didn’t want her to die,” she finally said.

“Does it matter?” Terezi didn’t often sound exasperated. “She’s—”

“Someone you loved. If you think that's not important to me, goddess mine, you'd be mistaken. Here.” Rose stood and held something out to Terezi.

After a good, long sniff, Terezi said, “It’s a white ball.”

“It’s what she was trying to use for her final attack.” Terezi took a step back, but Rose simply began to pace. “Vriska mentioned a crew. I assume she wanted me to think she was the ringleader, but.” She tossed the ball lightly into the air and caught it again. “I don’t think she realized I’m familiar with this operation.

“I know who she’s working for,” she clarified, when Terezi still seemed mystified. She tossed the ball into her hands and smiled. “And I hate them. They’re the ones who nearly destroyed me and Dave the day you found us. If you're amenable to the idea, I'd like to use you for my personal vendetta while you employ me for yours.”

“The Felt,” Terezi breathed.

“Maybe you can convince her to give it up. Maybe not. What do you say, Rez.” Rose’s grin was toothy, sharp. “Partners in crime?”

“Partners in justice,” Terezi corrected her, then slapped her a high five.