Chapter Text
"I swear I’ve never felt this way about any other guy." - Kate Nash "We Get On"
"Um, what the hell are you guys doing?" Tony frowned. "And why is Bucky trying to suffocate Clint with a pillow?"
Clint didn't know what would do him in first, Barnes shoving a pillow over his mouth and nose or Tony's 'outfit' that didn't necessarily qualify as one because so much skin was being revealed.
The genius was wearing a fire engine red skin tight crop top made out of gauzy see through fabric and and a black ruffled skirt. The skirt was cut short, ending just below the bottom curve of his rear and his shirt was so opaque that his nipples were visible. He was too far away for the archer to tell if the buds were stiff from the air conditioning but nonetheless his mouth still watered at the thought of taking one of those puffy nubs into his mouth.
Furthermore, despite his frequent and admittedly vulgar comments about how much he loved perfectly shaped behinds, Clint was most definitely a leg man. And Stark was currently showing a hell of a lotta leg.
He was glad Barnes had him pinned so no one would be able to see the current stiffy in his jeans.
He knew he should have worn a looser pair of pants but last week Tony had asked him about his squat routine which could only mean that Stark was trying to tell him that he had a high quality ass. (In a roundabout way of course.)
Maybe throwing out all his jeans and ordering a dozen new ones two sizes smaller than he normally wore was taking it a bit too far but-
“What the hell!” He was not feeling what he thought he was feeling. “Are you fucking hard Barnes? Get your dick away from my ass!”
The archer yelped as the soldiers mechanical arm whirred and launched him over the side of the couch and flat on his ass. “OW!”
“Look who’s got the couch now bird boy.” Bucky sat up and spread his legs.
Natasha rolled her eyes. “Absolute idiots.” She hadn’t been in a room filled with this many boners since her last mission in Prague. The redhead strolled over to Clint and leaned over. “Satisfied?” She murmured. “Did I not deliver? And what have you managed to do while I was busy dressing up our genius? Getting your ass handed to you by a cyborg? I’m beginning to think I should have paired up with Bruce instead.”
“Tasha nooo.”
"Would you guys please stop staring at me." Tony fluffed his skirt before flopping down next to Bucky. "It's as if you've never seen a guy in girls clothes before."
"I haven't" Steve murmured, his ears burned. The blonde grabbed the pillow previously used for smothering and clamped it down over his crotch.
Tony was wearing a revealing lace(?) top and a satiny black skirt. Despite knowing him for nearly three years now this was the first time Steve had ever seen Tony's bare legs. They were deeply tanned and surprisingly unscarred despite the genius constantly injuring himself in the lab. It must be the thick jeans he always wears. The super soldier felt a strange urge to drop down to his knees and bite at the tender skin between the younger mans exposed thighs.
"Well-" Bucky spread his legs even wider, successfully trapping Tony between the arm of the couch and his thigh. "I for one think you look amazing. As a matter of fact-"
Tony groaned. "Oh here we go-“
"Did you just fart?" Bucky smirked, ignoring Tony's protests.
"...no. And I hate you."
"Because as soon as you walked into the room-“
“Please for the love of god-“
“-you just blew me away."
Tony sighed heavily and looked up towards the ceiling. "Yes that's great. Wonderful even. Jarvis? Turn the movie on. PLEASE."
"Right away Sir."
"I'm sorry excuse me for a moment." Steve blushed. "I'm going to go to the restroom really quick."
“Use the water bottle method this time Cap!” Clint called.
Tony looked on in confusion as the super soldier bolted from the room. “Water bottle? Is he thirsty?”
“No Anthony!” Thor guffawed. “It seems the Captain is a little-how do you say?-heated beneath the underside of the clothing he is currently wearing.”
“It’s ‘hot under the collar’ Thor.” Bruce deadpanned.
“Verily! That is what I said. Do you not understand my form of expression? Steven is aroused Dr. Banner.”
“I know what you were trying to say Thor, I was just correcti-“ The older man shook his head in defeat. “You know what? Nevermind. Tony, you look very nice but it’s 11 in the morning. Don’t you think it’s a little early to be wearing...lingerie?”
“It’s never too early for lingerie Brucey Bear. Besides, Tasha wanted me to wear it. And what kind of a man would I be if I denied a pretty lady the gift of seeing me in a skirt?”
Tony thought back to Thor’s previous comments about Steve. And Clint’s aversion to what appeared to be Bucky’s hardon(?). It sounded as if some of his teammates were...attracted to him?
Which wouldn’t make any sense because every single one of them was totally gorgeous (inhumanly so) and compared to them Tony was just the man in a can. Incapable of defending himself outside the suit. Meanwhile they could all kick ass on and off the field.
Tasha had tried to teach him some hand to hand (“You need to learn how to do something other than half assed boxing with Happy, Tony”) but he was woefully uncoordinated with anything that didn’t involve science, Avenging, high heels, and red carpet events.
Also it didn’t help that Tasha forced him to wear one of her leotards and a pair of teeny tiny gold yoga shorts. The gym had been weirdly crowded for a Monday afternoon that day.
"What's with Cap?" Tony made quick work of wrapping himself up like a burrito in a fluffy fleece blanket (a Christmas gift courtesy of Natasha). "Oh and happy birthday Birdbrain. I have no idea why you never mentioned it before. How old are you anyway?”
Clint was settled on one of the armchairs with a suspiciously smug looking red headed assassin perched on his lap. Maybe they were dating? “Uhh 27.” The older man blushed.
Hmm. The crinkles around the archers eyes that appeared whenever he laughed seemed to say otherwise but who was Tony to call a guy out for lying about his age? He had been perpetually 18 during his entire stay at MIT-even though nobody bought it-and his Dad had kept his birthdate completely under wraps until his death. And it was only revealed for the sole purpose of adding it to his tombstone.
“Cool. I’ll take you out to dinner after I take a nap.” Tony yawned. “Or three”
The brunet ducked as a metal arm swung over his head and landed over his shoulders. “Yeah right like I believe your old wrinkly ass is 27” Bucky chuckled. “You’ve gotta be at least-“
Bruce turns towards him. “Aren’t you like a 105?”
“...”
The older man reached into his back pocket for a handkerchief. “That’s what I thought.”
He rubbed his glasses.
“Damn Bruce.” Clint chuckled. “That calls for a high five!”
Bruce readjusted his glasses and turned towards the television. “I’m trying to watch the movie Clint. By the way what would you like for your birthday? A life alert button? Or maybe a pair of dentures? I’m sure you’re missing a few teeth. Seeing as how you spend so much time jumping off buildings-“
“Ookayy.” Tony jumped in. “Bruce turn down the sass. Jarvis can you PLEASE restart the movie?”
“Of course Sir.”
*********
Steve rushed to his private floor as fast as any super soldier sporting an erection could run.
The love of his life was wearing a skirt! Steve had seen plenty-plenty-of revealing outfits since he woke up from the ice, but scantily clad Captain America fangirls (who refused to call him Steve even when he asked them to) didn’t make his heart race as much as the sight of Tony’s bare legs.
Tony’s smoothe, buttery legs and his delicate naked little ankles-
Okay, enough of that. “Steven Grant Rodgers. You will NOT lay a finger on your cock-no matter how hard said cock is-while thinking of your obscenely attractive teammate/roommate/private obsession. We are not going there.” He grabbed a bottle of water from his freezer and pressed it against his crotch, hoping the cold would diminish his hard on.
But like the cold shower method also suggested to him by Clint it did nothing but send another jolt of arousal throughout his body. God l. Maybe just a little touch wouldn’t hurt-
He slapped his cheek.“No! We ARE NOT going there Steve. Besides you know you take way too long when you get yourself off.”
Oh who was he kidding? He sooo wanted to go there.
“Just a quickie. No daydreaming or unnecessarily detailed imagined foreplay. A few tugs and back downstairs.”
Now, what exactly had Tony been wearing underneath that skirt?
**************
After some much needed (and extremely long) private time Steve returned to the main floor only to find Bruce’s seat empty and a slack faced Tony finally sleeping off his recent inventing binge.
Only Thor, Bucky and Clint were all fighting over the geniuses prone body.
“Hey!” Steve rushed forward to rescue the sleeping man only to be held back by Natasha.
“Stay out of it bathroom boy. You could have shared the couch with Bucky and Tony if you didn’t spend so long masturbating. Who takes an entire hour just to jerk off?”
“I like to imagine certain scenarios okay!” The blonde sputtered. “Also I had to try the water bottle thing first!”
“Stop being stingy!” Clint’s arms were hooked under Tony’s armpits while Bucky held the genius by the waist. “You already got the cuddle couch!”
“I would have had it a lot longer of you hadn’t of fought me for it. And played dirty by blocking the elevator!”
“You mortals are so petty. Squabbling over Anthony’s body like Geri and Freki battle for fresh meat from my fathers plate.” Thor sneered. “I am the strongest, therefore I shall be the one to return Anthony to his chambers.”
“You say that but you’re also the one holding onto his foot.”
“Only to ensure that he remain unharmed.” The god of thunder sniffed haughtily. “Take care, my beloved is easily bruised.”
Clint delivered a swift kick to Bucky’s crotch, causing the supersoldier to momentarily loosen his grip on Tony’s waist. “Take that you bastard!” He pulled the upper half of the younger man’s body against his chest and pointed towards the drawn curtains on the other side of the room. “Ohmygod guys look it’s Loki!”
Thor turned eagerly. “Brother!?”
“Hah! Suckers!” Clint sprinted towards the elevator. “Jarvis opens up!”
“Of course Mr. Barton.”
“You rat bastard! What kind of guy kicks another in the dick!?”
***********************
The archer laughed maniacally as the elevator took him and his ‘prize’ to the penthouse floor.
Maybe he didn’t need Tasha after all. He procured his genius all on his own, no help required.
He walked through the engineers floor and into his bedroom, headed towards the massive California King (complete with gaudy red and gold bedding) and pulled back the blankets before laying the genius down gently. The older man kissed his forehead and tucked the covers up to his chin.
Clint scooted back towards the edge of the bed. “You know you’re incredibly cute when you sleep. I mean you’re hot when you’re not sleeping too. But when you’re awake your nose doesn’t crinkle and you don’t make those adorable ‘chuff chuff’ noises like a tiny kitten sniffing out a bowl of mil-“ He groaned. “Why am I trying to explain myself to someone who can’t even freaking hear me?”
“You make me crazy Tony.” Clint leaned forward and caressed his cheek. “You’re awesome and funny. And really freaking smart. Because of you I’ve got the best arrows and a really cool shooting range. And I’ve never felt this way about anyone ever, except you.” He chuckled warmly. “Basically what I’m trying to say is...I really freaking like you. God, what kind of a loser confesses his love while the others asleep? What are you doing to me Two-Tone?”
“Wow that’s really fucking gross. I’ve lost the already very little amount of respect I had for you. Now back up off of my best friend you creep.”
Clint jerked.“Holy shit!”
James Rhodes himself had appeared. His Tony Stark Endangered Virtue Monitor must have been going off.
“I don’t have a virtue monitor you fucking sparrow.” Rhodey stalked towards the archer and yanked him up by the ear. “And even if I did it would mean that you’re in here doing something unvirtuous and if that were the case, it would mean that I’d have to rip your spine out through your teeth. I don’t have to do that do I?”
“N-n-n-no?” Clint whimpered and reached out helplessly towards the rest of the team (sans Bruce) wedged in the doorway. “Please help.”
“I think it’s time we all had a little talk.”
*******************
“Look.” Rhodey leaned against the kitchen island back down on the main floor. “I only came here to drop off War Machine for some repairs so I’ll make this brief. If anyone’s going to date/and or touch my best friends ass I’d rather it be Logan, who is a paid faculty member at a school for mutants, or Bruce Wayne, who is a literal millionaire.”
“You-“ He points. “Don’t even have real jobs. All you do is fuck around all day until some crackpot decides he wants to concoct some sort of shitty convoluted scheme in order to blow up the world. Do you even get paid for that? Do you pay for anything? Or are you just living on Tones dime while he cares for you like your a gaggle of infants with muscle?” He eyed the blond demigod. “Except you. Your a prince right? You can’t be completely useless.”
“Hey!”
“Shut it birdbrain.” Rhodey strolled towards the elevator. “Think about what I said. And if anyone tries to kiss Tony in his sleep again, I’ll shoot you then call Pepper.”
“Aww why’d you have to bring the Dragon Lady into it.” Clint whined.
“Goodbye Son Of Roads. (-“It’s Rhodes.”-)” Thor waved. “I thank you for the words of wisdom and your threats of spinal injury!”
“You’re only saying goodbye to him because he gave you a free pass.” Bucky glared. “We can’t all be royalty you know.”
“Colonel Rhodes is right.” Steve sighed. “Tony’s been taking care of us and we do almost nothing but meander around the tower waiting for Central Park to catch on fire.”
“Wait Cap, you don’t mean-?”
“Yes. After Tony takes us out for dinner tonight, we are going to go ask Director Fury for hourly employment.” Steve grinned. “And then we’ll be the ones taking Tony out to dinner.”
“Now that is a terrible idea.”
“Shut up Clint. You’ve said enough for one night.”