Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“So, what I’ve seen, the Tau’ri don’t seem to have much of a sense of… different…”

Ronon grunted once and nodded at Teyla, who he’d been sitting with at a balcony table, talking. It was hard being an alien in a city full of humans who all thought they were god’s gift to the universe. It was an experience to say the least. Of course, not everyone was horrible, some were even great, but most of them were weird.

“They don’t seem to have a culture for littles either. It makes me feel horrible, their populations are so high, what do they do with them all? Kill them?”

Teyla looked shocked. “No, they have no honor in that, I don’t think they’d give them that dignity, I believe they force them into an adult role.”

That made Ronon pause, no longer murdering his not-chicken leg. “That… that makes sense. A lot of the men and women here, if they had grown up in a culture like ours…”

“They would have been classified as little.”

Ronon was quiet for another few seconds, looking a little sick. A world where being little is seen as bad… is entirely foreign to him… especially as a caregiver. “Should we tell them? Hell, I’m not even sure where we would start…”

Teyla nodded, “I am not sure either. I believe… that to humans of Earth, this sort of thing would be seen as humiliating, to them.”

Ronon sneered, “It’s not humiliating-”

“You and I know that, friend, but they are naive and believe their ways to be best.”

Ronon let out a little sad sigh, thinking about what once was, and nodded. “Well, I might let it go for some of them, but Sheppard is a ball of tension. You think he realizes he’d be more comfortable if he relaxed a little?”

Teyla looked amused when she answered, “I would not be surprised if the idea did not occur to him.”

***

John Sheppard, was a nervous man. He hid that easily, but when he wasn’t on duty, he avoided people as if it was his job, and while he was on duty, though he carried himself with a stern look and the ready ability to sidestep anyone who looked like he might come any closer than two feet to him.

To Ronon, who had grown up on a world where ageplay -as the Tau’ri called it- was as normal as anything, and to Teyla, who didn’t grow up on a very big world, but had contact with many who also viewed this the same way as his had, John was a beacon of… little…

Of course, if you actually talked to anyone about it -and Ronon had only made that mistake twice before realizing that he would get no one who thought the same way about it as he did- he’d come across a word that had thoroughly confused him.

“Ahh, John’s pretty far spectrum far as I can tell. Though, I am not therapist, I could be wrong.”

Radek Zelanka had told him that, causing even more confusion. “...spectrum is?”

Radek had given him a funny look, like he didn’t know why Ronon didn’t know the word, “Uh… autism, mainly. Maybe Aspergers. Rodney is as well.”

Well, that blew his budding theory out of the water, that this ‘autism’ idea might be a way to tell who would be little or not on their world. Rodney McKay was the furthest thing from a little you could imagine, no way was he even on the submissive side of things. At least, not overtly.

But, as it was, Ronon wasn’t interested in leaving it alone. He grew up in a world full of littles, middles and caregivers. He knew that when left to themselves for too long, littles tended to get a bit… antsy…

Sheppard pretty much always acted antsy.

“Oh, would you quit that, you’re going to give yourself something stupid like bubonic plague, but probably worse.”

They were sitting in the quarters that Ronon had found in an unexplored part of the tower. No one had complained when he’d moved into them, and Ronon felt better for it. It might be a big living area, but it looked like it was for a family, three bedrooms and a living/cooking space. He liked having his own area, and even after being on the run for so long, the first thing he’d looked for in a living space, was room for others.

Rodney came up behind John on the couch, and looked annoyed to see John sitting there with one knuckle from his right hand in between his front teeth, intermittently sucking on it while they watched Star Wars.

For a planet whose only recently gotten out into the universe, they’ve been thinking about the stars for a long time now.

John turned a little in place so he could give the man an angry glare, annoyed at his friend for constantly saying that. He couldn’t help himself. His family had never been interested in getting him to stop sucking on his knuckles, because as long as it wasn’t a thumb or a pacifier, they were fine, but now it had become a dirty habit of his.

And while he will admit, it has gotten him sick a time or two, it wasn’t as horrible as Rodney always made it out to seem. Ronon and Teyla never said anything about it, Rodney was just afraid that if he got sick, he would catch something from him.

“I’m not going to get sick, Rodney.”

Ronon and Teyla were giving each other amused looks, and Ronon decided to stop Rodney before he started a fight between them. He put an arm over the back of the couch, not quite touching John, but close enough to put a barrier between the two of them. John’s legs -curled up under himself comfortably and the rest of him tucked against the arm of the couch- and body scrunched up a little tighter, almost afraid that Ronon might actually touch him, no matter how often he told people he was okay with it, they all knew he wasn’t.

“Rodney, go sit back down, he’s fine.”

Rodney grumbled, but did so, not wanting to annoy Ronon anymore tonight. John relaxed a little, but stayed curled up against the arm of the couch. He was asleep before the movie was over, and they ended up turning it off, and Rodney and Teyla left, John still curled up there to sleep the night away.

The next morning, Ronon came back into the living room to find John spread out on his stomach on the couch, a blanket spread over him and looking comfortable as anything. Damn, not even Ronon could get a good night’s sleep on something like that, but then again, John was smaller than he was… by far. Also, he’s seen littles fall asleep in the oddest places and not get upset about it later.

He really doesn’t mind him being there.

***

Of course, just because John didn’t like being touched, doesn’t mean he didn’t earn the nickname ‘Kirk’ honestly. Really, there was something to be said about flirting with no intention of following through on anything, that really made John happy. It’s like, it’s basically getting attention, and as long as the attention doesn’t mean he’s being touched, it’s good attention to him.

Ronon liked watching him flirt with people; men, women, and everything in between, if they were paying attention to his team leader, his team leader was paying attention to them.

Ronon’s heard that the Tau’ri once had a rule, that you could not like someone of the same gender while in the military, or you’d be kicked out. It was a disturbing thought, but John says that hasn’t been the case for going on forty years now.

So, being on a planet that was apparently very similar to Earth, with an open stargate system, was a bit funny. There were littles around -which is a shame, cause Ronon was hoping to wait a little bit before being forced to explain it all to Rodney and John- and it seemed to be a diarchic dominant and submissive society.

Of course, Rodney was mostly oblivious to it all, happy as long as he was talking with their scientists, and John was looking bored. Which, in a society that would label him as a little as fast as Ronon himself had, could turn into a dangerous thing.

Which is why they’d left Rodney and Teyla in the lab, Teyla playing bodyguard for him while Ronon and John followed a politician down some floors, to what looked like a rec area.

“Since Atlantis is interested in becoming an ally of ours, it would be a good thing to get to know your people. My bosses are eager to hear more of the Tau’ri.”

John stifled a yawn, and the man gave him what must have been a fond look. Ronon would have guessed, that if John was more awake than he was -because he was not very awake at all- he’d be grinning adorably at the man, flirting for all he was worth, but as is, he was half asleep on his feet.

Wait… John was military trained, he would never…

It hit Ronon like a blow to the head, and suddenly as he watched John collapse to the floor in front of him, and he started going down after him. Ronon spared a thought to wondering why the hell these new people wanted them down so bad.

***

When John woke up, he was back in Atlantis. He could only assume that Ronon had found a way to get him out, and hoped that Rodney and Teyla had gotten out too, but then he saw him.

The man they had been talking to on their way down to a rec room so John could sit down for a little bit and drink coffee to try and wake himself up. He didn’t know why he felt so exhausted that day, but after having woken up, he assumed they’d been drugged.

The man though, he looked distraught at the moment. He look in the direction of John’s bed and upon noticing him with his eyes opened, he perked up a little. John felt the need to scoot away. “You’re awake, thank goodness.”

John jerked back a little, looking around with wide eyes. He was saved from answering when Carson came over though, gently nudging the enthusiastic man’s shoulder till he sat back down. “John, I can see you’re a little confused.”

John thought about that for a moment, wondering why he’d been drugged. “You drugged me.”

His throat sounded scratchy, and Carson helped him lean up to get a drink of water from a straw. That felt a little better, but he still wanted to go back to sleep.

The man next to the bed stood up, this time looking apologetic, but made sure to stay out of Carson’s way while he checked on his patient. “I am desperately sorry, Colonel Sheppard, that was never our intentions. None of this was planned, and we would not have let it happen if we had known it was a possibility.”

John looked a little confused, and Carson took over. “As it turns out, they may look human, but they are anything but. Their planet wasn’t toxic to you all, but their water, has trace amounts of sedatives that could knock out a horse. None of them are affected by it, but you, Ronon and Rodney were. Teyla wasn’t affected either.”

John swallowed once, trying to fight off a headache while he fought back the need for more sleep, and he really did need more sleep. “Oh…”

That’s really all he could muster up at the moment, he was back to sleep in moments.

***

The next time he woke up, he was happy to see that no one had been watching him -cause that’s creepy and he doesn’t like it- but he was a little more annoyed to say that he could feel an acute amount of pain coming from his right arm. He lifted it up and took a few seconds to brush off the blanket, finding the knuckles of that hand covered in stitches, and the entire knuckle to wrist area covered by a soft, removable cast.

“Ow?”

“Are you asking me, or telling me?”

John looked up to see Carson back now, giving him a funny look while he went back to checking his vitals and all that other boring stuff that made Sheppard’s skin crawl.

“What happened to my hand?”

“You broke a bone on the top of your hand when you fell. It was a small, clean break, so it’s not too bad, but you’re still off the roster for a while. You did slice the hand open when you hit it though. Oh, hold on a moment, I have something for you.”

When he came back, he had a black leather cord with a light yellow pendant at the end of it, which he slipped over John’s neck before the man could protest, also carrying a shirt and pair of pants in his size for him to get back to his quarters in.

“What’s that?” John lifted up the pendant, and frowned at the rubbery texture of it. It felt like a dense chew toy, and it was shaped like a mushroom.

“It’s for biting. John, I don’t want you coming back here tomorrow morning saying you popped the stitches on your hand because you were sucking again, if you need something to chew on, use that.”

John could feel his face heating up a little, and spared a thought to acting like he was pissed, but didn’t really feel up to it. Carson was one of the few people in this city he could talk to without being judged, he might as well act like it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Before he left the infirmary though, he made sure to tuck the pendant into his shirt, not quite ready for others to see it.

***

“Oh come on, I’m sure that thing is even worse, I can’t believe Beckett gave you that germ magnet.”

John let out a whine, curled up in the same spot on Ronon’s couch as he had been the last time he got yelled at by Rodney about this, but this time it wasn’t his hands they were talking about, it was the little yellow pendant that he was trying to gouge his teeth into. Damn thing was a lot sturdier than knuckles. Though, it’s proved useful, because now he has two hands free for other things.

You know, other than the fact that he still couldn’t use his right hand for much more than waving.

The pendant was almost useless too, he couldn’t even say that it had saved him from popping any stitches, cause he’d done that anyways.

One day, he’d been sleeping in his quarters, and the next morning, he woke up with three stitchs missing and a massive amount of blood collected in his bed sheets… and on his face, which he hadn’t realized till he was in the infirmary.

Now it makes sense why people were diving out of the way when their commander, wearing nothing but bloody pajamas and an angry look on his face, had stalked through the corridors that morning.

Carson was very gentle with him, like he was any time he had to get up close and personal with him, gently wiping the bloody streaks off of his face with a warm, damp cloth. “John, if you pop the stitches again, we’re going to have to glue them, and I know how much you hate that stuff.”

John spit the -sanitized, because Carson had taken one look at it and refused to let it anywhere near John’s mouth till it was sterilized- mushroom pendant out, and glared at the doctor. He didn’t feel like moving away though, cause Carson was always really gentle with him and never let his hands stray. “I didn’t mean to, it just happened.”

Carson nodded, “Which is why we might have to glue it, because you couldn’t have helped it, so you might need it.”

He was gently wiping the matted blood off of John’s face, taking care to be gentle as he could be with him, knowing that getting too close would make John feel weird, but still making sure to get as much of it out of John’s hair as he could.

John had sighed as he let the doctor help get him cleaned up, not wanting to admit that he was right, because he didn’t want that. Isn’t that a good enough reason?

Apparently not.

He got off the bed when Carson had declared him fit to be on his own again, and gently limped out of the room, silently wishing he’d put on shoes before he left his room. People seemed to still look at him funny, which made sense, cause he was walking from the infirmary at ten in the morning -far past when he should have been up, but getting drugged made him tired- and soaked in his own blood. Also, upset. He looked like a kicked dog.

Evan was walking his direction, and stopped, doing a double take when he saw him. “Jesus Christ, sir, are you alright?”

John stopped, a long, tired shrug coming over him while he stifled a yawn. “I’m fine.”

“You’re a bad liar. Have you eaten anything yet today?”

John shook his head, and found himself being tugged in a new direction this time. He spared a thought to the fact that he was the furthest thing from dignified right now, but let Evan tug him along, his second in command being rather nice to keep his -one single finger, because even his 2IC knew how much he hated being touched- own skin firmly away from anything that might make him upset, but a clear demand for him to follow.

Out of their command, John was the hardass, though he had his moments -he can’t even count the time he’s let a new recruit use him as a shoulder to cry on before getting them in with Dr Heightmeyer, or the times he’s found himself sitting in a chair, nervously waiting for a marine to open their eyes and tell him they’re okay- but Evan, Evan was a mother hen, as easy as anything. If he saw a marine -or a scientist, or a doctor, or a particularly upset native, or any animal smaller than a dog, or… well, anyone, really- who looked like they’d had a rough time of things, he descended on them like an angry mama bear trying to fix everything for them. It was amazing to watch, and John was proud to say he would always cheer him on for it.

Of course, being on the other end of the stick… actually, this was also pretty awesome.

Even a person who felt as nervous about people as John did, he was a whore for positive attention, and Evan radiated it. His father never hugged him much as a child. He let the man nudge him into a chair at a table with Ronon and Rodney already there. Rodney was passed out on the table next to the remains of his breakfast, and Ronon looked hungover as hell, but no worse for wear.

Ronon kept his head down though, drinking a coffee, which is weird, cause normally he avoided the stuff like it was out to kill him. John watched Evan leave to go get John something to eat, and kicked Rodney under the table when he was gone.

Rodney snorted once, mumbled out a small, “Go away, Laura,” and attempted to go back to sleep.

“I’m not Laura.”

Rodney lifted his head to give him a lazy look, before startling up when he saw the state of his best friend. “Holy hell, what happened to you?”

John lifted up a hand and pointed to his stitches. “They popped open and I bled on everything while I was sleeping. It was all over my face and everything. Oh fuck, I need to change my sheets before I can go back to bed. Carson made me get a new cast and everything though.”

Ronon looked at him with hazy eyes, and let out a little sigh. “You can sleep on my couch today, I’ll change your sheets for you.”

“Thanks.”

Evan came back to the table with a tray of food, and a mug of what John thought was coffee at first, but after a sniff, he raised an eyebrow at the man. “Hot chocolate?”

Evan frowned, sitting across from him at the table. “You’re covered in blood, it’s a magnesium blend they use to help replenish lost blood.”

John took a drink of the slightly metallic tasting liquid, and shrugged. It wasn’t bad. Rodney was giving him a funny look. “Don’t you military types hate looking unprofessional? Doesn’t it ruin your reputation to look like a hardass?”

John shrugged. He’d probably be upset about walking around looking like a zombie victim later, but right now, he wanted… well, to be entirely frank, he wanted attention, and when you look like shit, people usually give it to you. He was essentially a giant baby when he was sick, and wished he had someone who liked him enough to coddle him while he felt like crap, but he’d settle for looking like a war victim instead.

“Eh,” was all he offered them, looking down at his tray as he shoveled a few bites of not-potatoes into his mouth.

He ate sluggishly, as sluggishly as Ronon and Rodney were acting, sitting at the table with him, Rodney taking a light nap while Ronon nursed another cup of coffee that he’d made Evan get up and get for him.

“Ronon?”

Ronon let out a rough grunting noise.

“Was that guy back on… P3… uh, the place we got drugged on? Was he flirting with me? I couldn’t tell.”

Rodney let out a little snort, “Are you seriously wondering if he found you cute, right now?”

John tiredly rubbed his eyes with his left hand, a loose hold on his fork in the other one while his brain tried to create words. “Well, for one, when I finally woke up, he was there, looking at me. And for another, I couldn’t tell because he wasn’t giving me a flirty look, he was looking at me like he wanted to keep me as a pet or something. Like I was cute .”

Rodney was still trying to process those words when Ronon finally spoke up. “He thought you were a little. He was probably a caregiver.”

John’s sluggish brain took a bit to process that as well, but when he finally did, both Rodney and Evan were giving Ronon funny looks like they thought he’d gone insane. John still didn’t get it. Time to inquire further. “Huh?”

Ronon sniffed a little, sitting up more, but wasn’t the one who answered, it was Evan. “Little? Like… ageplay?”

Ronon gave a tired hum, happy not to answer. “That.”

Rodney snuggled back into his folded arms, making a similar noise. “Ahh, like, BDSM. Sheppard, he might have actually wanted to keep you, but not as a pet. More like a baby.”

John let out a little groan, head pounding. “I… that’s weird. I’m not a little. I’m an adult.”

The statement sounded a little petulant, like he was trying to convince himself of it.

It wasn’t really working.

***

So, as it turned out, Dominant and Submissive diarchic societies exist.

And Atlantis really needed to trade with this one, because they had a technology that has been keeping the wraith away for hundreds of generations now. That’s a valuable resource. And on a lesser point, they had sedatives that are actually pretty good for things if Atlantis ever needed them, because so far, they’ve proven to be non-addictive and strong enough to put a person down for major surgery. That’s cool too.

But… going back to their world was a little odd, not only because of the fact that they need to remember never to drink anything here, -or eat anything that might have involved sedative laced water in it’s creation- but because they seemed pretty damn insistent that John was what their society would call, a little.

He’s not a little… he’s just a bit distractible…

Carson and them seemed to get along like a house on fire. That makes sense, because Carson is like if sunshine was personified, he’s too damn nice, and he seemed to like to hear about the way their society works -dominants are not, in fact, in charge, like the title would suggest, they seem to run by the idea that everyone is equal, no matter what they identify as- and keeps asking stupid questions that keep making this stupid meeting go on longer and longer. It was stupid.

The man who had been with them the first time around, -Gradgious, Ronon is pretty sure his name is- leaned over, so he could speak low to Ronon. “Your boy seems to be a little upset at something. Is he still mad at our accidental drugging incident?”

Ronon looked over at where John was sitting at the table, the little mushroom pendant clamped between his teeth and being sucked on there, though he didn’t miss the way that John turned to give them both a glare, obviously having heard that statement. “He’s tired. It’s past his naptime.”

The words might have been the littlest bit mean, but he meant them in an entirely teasing way, winking at John while the other man wasn’t looking, and John did seem to calm down a little bit at that, looking less annoyed before turning to focus on the meeting again, no longer trying to destroy the mushroom pendant in his mouth.

Gradgious looked honestly interested though. Ronon wondered if he had a crush on Sheppard, or if he was this interested in all littles, but it was funny. “Ahh. He seems a bit old for naps, but I guess he be in a much younger headspace than I originally took him for. Do adults on your world not use pacifiers?”

Ronon shook his head. “No, I grew up on a world much like yours, we used them there, but on Earth, the place the Lanteans originally came from, adults are expected to act adult no matter what.”

Gradgious looked honestly horrified. “In public? What of littles and pets?”

Ronon shrugged, not really knowing the answer himself, though John leaned back a little in his chair so he could join their conversation. “Well, on Earth, that sort of thing is only acceptable in private. I know you guys all think I’m a little or whatever, but where I came from, I’m just a regular adult.”

Gradgious looked horrified still, honestly not being able to comprehend it. It’s okay, a lot of the senior staff back at Atlantis had been pretty confused too.

Ronon and John were pretty much out of the main meeting entirely by now, and turned back to hear Rodney going on and on about some scientific nonsense that confused the both of them.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

***

“I’m not a little.”

“You’ve said that multiple times now.”

John scowled at Rodney, who looked far too amused, eating a powerbar while he sat on a park bench on the weird sedative/ageplay world. It was nice here, but as far as he could tell, the delegates had let them to a ‘child’ friendly park for them to take a break in between meetings. John scowled just a little while he tried to keep himself throwing some sort of fit.

Flirting was one thing. He could handle flirting, it was harmless, and fun, and it gave him the attention that he had never gotten as a kid -cause daddy issues, you know?- and it was nice.

But everyone here seemed intent on treating him like a cute kid the others had brought along with them, talking about how sweet he was, and how cute it was even when he glared at them. They were acting like he was a cranky toddler, not a man who literally carries more weapons than he can use all at once.

Well, he didn’t have a P90 right now, but that’s mostly because he has an arm that’s still in a cast.

John sat down at the bench next to Rodney with a glare. Rodney looked just as amused as everyone else seemed to be. Maybe it really was past his naptime, like damn, cranky.

John glared at him like he could hear his thoughts.

“Maybe if you didn’t suck on that thing all the time, people wouldn’t assume you were only two.”

He reached out to tug a little on the leather cord, and John pulled back from him with a whine. Rodney was always trying to take it from him, it wasn’t nice. Everyone was picking on him.

“Rodney, stop poking at him, he’s hurt but he’ll still kick your butt.” Rodney looked over at Carson with a smirk, who ignored him, going through a stack of files the delegates had given him for review.

“I think it’s past the Colonel’s naptime. Ronon said so.”

John let out a groan, pulling his legs up on the bench so he could curl up around them, giving up for now. “You’re a dick.”

“That’s a big boy word, John, that’s not for you.”

John growled low in the back of his throat, feeling annoyed and tired, and his arm was still hurting and he’s actually pretty sure that a nap doesn’t sound like the worst idea in the world right now, and he’s pissed because these idiots won’t treat him like an adult right now!

John let out the sweetest sounding little whimper, pushing his tired eyes and face into his knees, and Rodney startled a little, suddenly worried about him. To them, teasing was a normal part of their relationship and communication, he’d never thought he’d step over a line with that, but that whimper sounded desperate, and caught all of their attentions. Rodney blanched at the idea that he might have made John cry of all things.

Before Rodney could say anything, Ronon was kneeling in front of the park bench, trying to get a better look at Sheppard. Even Ronon hadn’t found anything out of the ordinary from their teasing banter, so he wasn’t mad... yet.

“John, can you look at me, please?”

His voice sounded different, more coaxing than it’s usual rough tones, though it was still deep like they were used to. It actually did startle John enough that he stopped rubbing his eyes into his knees, looking over at Ronon in surprise. His eyes were red from rubbing, and drooping low from pure exhaustion .

No wonder he was throwing a fit in the park, he was tired. Ronon make a cooing noise, not unlike what the other people from this world kept giving him whenever they thought he was doing something cute. Ronon cautiously, giving John enough time to push him away or pull back if he didn’t want it, reached over to gently pull John’s left hand away from where he’d been scratching around the edge of his stitches under his cast.

“Don’t pull at those, you don’t want it bleeding again.”

John made another desperate noise, this one more of a hum in his throat, and turned his hand in Ronon’s, making the other man let go right away, worried that he was making John uncomfortable right now, and seemed shocked when John didn’t yank his hand back, turning his hand upwards and grabbing at Ronon’s fingers, pulling the hand back towards him.

Ronon looked shocked. “Uh…”

John muttered something unintelligible against his knees, and pulled back enough for the rest of them in the park to hear. “I’m tired. I don’t think I should go back into that meeting.”

That was a rare one for him to admit to, in fact, almost unheard of entirely, but it wasn’t uncommon for professional adults to excuse themselves from a meeting if they weren’t feeling like they could actually complete it.

John was just doing the adult thing.

But, right now, the adult thing was making him feel like a little kid.

He didn’t let go of Ronon’s hand though, pulling it closer to him so he could get more physical contact with it, something he only actually willingly looked for when he felt like his brain was caving in on him and nothing else made sense.

Ronon looked up to see Teyla coming out of the building and towards the park with them.

“The leaders have agreed to talk with us about mineral trade now.”

Ronon stood back up slowly, his hand still in John’s. “Uh, I think that me and John are going back to Atlantis early, John isn’t feeling well.”

Teyla looked at John in concern for a moment before looking over to Carson, who nodded, looking worried about the lad. “Exhaustion I think. The best thing for him is sleep at the moment.”

Teyla nodded, looking down at John with a soft expression. “Alright, safe travels, friend. I hope our next meeting sees you well.”

John let out a little humming noise, beyond reasonable language at the current moment, and stood up, grabbing his pack and shouldering it on his right side while he kept clinging to Ronon with the left.

When Ronon led the man away, they all knew that something was a bit different, but could only hope that it was for the better now, not worse.

John just wanted some sleep and to maybe crash on Ronon’s couch like he liked to do when he needed to be near someone.

Chapter Text

When John and Ronon had gotten back to the gate, John was still clinging to Ronon’s fingers, hand warm in his. Ronon’s chest felt lighter than it had in years .

Of all the things that he missed about his homeworld, this was one of them. The complete trust and love that a little or pet would show you while letting you take care of them. Hell, he had missed having healthy relationships at all before he ended up in Atlantis.

Having John -a nervous man who rarely let others touch him,- be this open and trusting towards him… it made things lighter. Better.

The pathway to the stargate was a long, well kept path through the woods. It was mostly untouched by the civilization, other than lights that turned on in the night to help travelers get into the city, but it was well traveled, and well kept. It was a nice walk by all standards.

John’s voice was quiet, a little mumbled around the soft yellow pendant in between his lips. Ronon thought that he would probably be a little who never took his pacifier out, no matter what. It was adorable.

“So, this is like… a thing that happened on Sateda?”

Ronon thought about that. “Ageplay?”

John was mumbling to himself for a second before he answered. “Like… all of it. The Doms and subs. Stuff like that is considered sexual on Earth, only kept to the bedroom.”

Ronon felt distinctly uncomfortable at that. “I don’t know what you’re referring to exactly, but I can assure you, John, there is nothing sexual about this. You don’t ever have to worry about that with me.”

John’s hand jerked in his, but didn’t pull away, simply a startled movement. “I’m not asexual, either. I don’t get why other people say that. I’ve had sex before. I’m not afraid of it.”

Ronon raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Sure. You find other people particularly sexually attractive?”

John gave that some thought, and finally, was surprised by his own answer. “Uh… no? Sex doesn’t feel bad, though. I’ve even initiated it a few times. It can feel good.”

Ronon nodded, before sighing, and going back to the original subject at hand. “John, I understand if you don’t want to try this, but unless you give me a blunt answer, I can’t tell the people in this world, with any definitive answer, that you are honestly not a little.”

John sighed, using the fingertips of his right hand to rub at his eyes now. “I’ve never done anything like that before.”

“You can try it.”

“With you?”

Ronon nodded. “If you want.”

John nodded decisively. “I’d rather it be with you. Or Carson, but that’s because he’s really nice.”

Ronon shrugged. He wasn’t wrong. “Yeah. He’s pretty nice. But, I think I know of someone else that you can at least talk to about this.”

John thought about that. “Alright.”

When they got to the stargate, John finally took his hand back, but it was reluctantly, and he felt almost cold now without Ronon’s fingers there in his. He started fidgeting with his cast instead, making Ronon give him an almost stern look until he stopped, shoving that hand into his pocket while Ronon send them their IDC.

“When we go back, do you want to sleep on my couch?”

John gave him a little sigh and nodded, avoiding looking directly at him while Ronon cautiously put a hand at John’s lower back, giving him ample time to move before he placed it and started guiding him through the gate. On the other side, Weir was already waiting for them with curiosity written on her face.

“Did everything go alright?”

Ronon nodded. “Far as we know. Even if it didn’t, this is a peaceful world as far as we can tell. They’re still negotiating when we came back.”

Elizabeth turned to look at John now, concerned. “Is everything alright, John?”

John nodded. “Yeah. Too tired to stay though. Carson told me I should head back before I pass out.”

Elizabeth nodded. It’s been less than a week since the incident, and while John’s mostly recovered now, he has been taking a few pain killers for the pain in his hand. The cut was almost ready to have the stitches taken out, but the bone would be out of commission for a few more weeks.

It was believable enough.

When she didn’t seem like she was going to complain any, John let Ronon guide him out of the gate room again, blinking tiredly at the familiar walk to the transporters. He let out a little whine when they got into them, feeling like his brain was slipping again, overtired and overstimulated, all he could do to show his upset was whine and grab at Ronon’s hand again, entirely unsure what to do now that they were alone again.

This part of the city was mostly empty, and as soon as they were out, Ronon tugged him down the hallway and into his own apartment. John was thankful for the couch that he liked curling up on, letting Ronon get him onto it without another word.

“You need to take your shoes off, can you do that for me?”

Ronon’s words were gentle, and John knew that it was babying, but he couldn’t help but feel a little proud of himself when he actually could get them off on his own while Ronon went into the other room to get a blanket and pillow for him to sleep on.

Ronon grinned at him when he saw John looking like he did, proud of himself, and very , very little. This was good. This could really help him.

“Good boy, John, thank you. Now your belt and vest, then you can take a nice nap.”

When John had both of those off, Ronon resisted cooing at him, knowing that even now, that might be overkill. He spread out the blanket over the curled up man though, and tried not to seem too surprised when he found his hand caught in between John’s fingers again, blinking down at the clinging man when he did that.

John wasn’t so repulsed by touch, that he couldn’t initiate it. In fact, Ronon’s seen him do it more than a few times before. He seemed to stick with people who show an obvious disinterest in him sexually, but even then, it was usually stuck to small things, like hands or shoulders.

It made him feel a little stupidly happy to see him coming to him for that innocent contact that he refused himself on a regular basis. He reluctantly extracted his hand from John’s hold though, knowing it would only keep him up longer.

“Alright, close your eyes. Time for sleep.”

John did as he was told right away, curling up tighter on the soft pillow with a yawn.

Ronon hoped he wouldn’t change his mind about giving this a try later.

***

As it turned out, the person that Ronon wanted him to talk to about this all, was Evan.

John awkwardly avoided his 2IC’s gaze, twisted up in his chair in the mess hall while Ronon went to go grab them both a dinner tray. Evan was sipping at a cup of coffee, while looking almost half as awkward as John felt. Which is impressive, because John could reach levels of awkward that other people could only dream of.

“You two still aren’t talking.”

Ronon came back to the table with two trays, setting one in front of John before he took the seat next to him, across from Evan. John gave him an odd look before moving to poke at the odd grain noodles on his own tray, wondering why the cafeteria always seemed to give Ronon twice as much as everyone else. He’s just gonna go back for seconds anyways.

He avoided looking at Evan, even still. “Ronon, this is entirely unprofessional, Evan and I not only share an office, but I’m his superior officer whom he directly reports to. None of this is good for our working relationship.”

Ronon gave him an unimpressed look. “You know what’s really not good for your working relationship? Not using any and all resources at your disposal to make sure that you can do your work. If you the leader of the Atlantis military is unable to go back to a planet without hitting headspace because of teasing, then we’ll end up having a lot of issues, with a lot of planets.”

John thought about telling him that the people on that planet really didn’t seem to mind him being little , but that was like admitting you have a problem. And admitting you have a problem, is not something John likes doing. He prefers to keep that stuff bottled up inside where it can quietly fester as a mental illness.

“Huh, so he was right…”

John’s head snapped up, eyes narrowing at his 2IC. “Who was right, and what about? I swear to god, if Rodney is going around-”

Evan shook his head, “Not Rodney, no. Carson.”

That stopped John in his tracks, and he took a second to let his brain reboot again. “Carson… was telling people that… that I…”

Evan shook his head again, setting the coffee mug down now that it was empty. “Not everyone. Only me. Because he knows that… uh…”

Ronon barely held back a groan at the two of them. “Wow, your species is really repressed about this if you literally can’t even say it.”

John thought about whining at that. “I don’t want to talk about it, why do you think this will help? Why can’t I just talk to you about it?”

Okay, he’ll admit, that was sort of whining. Ronon looked down at him like he was a particularly dumb child. “Because I can’t explain it the way he can.”

“How do you even know he’s into this as well?”

Evan shrugged. “Atlantis has maybe sort of set up a bit of a… group…”

John blinked, once, twice. His brain started to reboot again. “Did… did you just imply that Atlantis has an underground BDSM ring that no one told me about?”

Evan cringed a little. “To be honest, I thought you knew. I guess, I forgot for a second, that you’re not just aloof, you really are that oblivious.”

John thought about taking offence at that, but, where’s the lie? It took a few minutes of him actually eating, for his brain to fully catch up. “Wait a second, Carson knew about the underground kink club before I did?”

Evan nodded, looking way too patient. “He was the one that started it.”

You know what? Fuck this, John’s brain is taking a protesting nap right now, come back with more info later, when things are less horrible.

***

“Ow.”

Carson pulled his hands back from where he’d been inspecting John’s broken hand, and looked unimpressed. “That was a particularly apathetic ‘ow’, are you sure that hurt?”

John shrugged, distracted by something on his tablet, not honestly paying much attention to the doctor. Rodney had shoved the tablet into his hands that morning on the way to the infirmary. At first, John thought that it had files on the BDSM/ageplay/sedative world -he needsta figure out a name for that, they probably had one, but the one time Elizabeth had tried to pronounce it, she looked a little like she was gonna cry- but it had some sort of weird aptitude application on it.

It wasn’t that weird, it had games on it and everything.

“Not really.”

Carson sighed, going back to gently manipulating the bones. “Then why say it?”

“Habit, I guess. My older brother used to say ‘ow’ when he bumped into something as a kid, even if it didn’t hurt. Sort of like how some people say ‘sorry’ when they walk into a wall.”

Carson seemed amused. “Aww, you imitated your brother.”

John shrugged. “He was a better influence than Dad and the nanny.”

“That’s… that sucks. What are you playing?”

John shrugged. “Rodney gave me the tablet this morning. I thought it was reports, but it was a game or something.”

Carson looked over his lap at it and winced where John couldn’t see him, deciding not to tell him that it was actually a government mandated designation aptitude test for the world they’d begun trading with. Rodney was tricky like that, having asked for one of them before they all left. Carson had assumed he wanted it to see how their computer systems worked, but now he knows better.

“Well, your hand is fine. Now that the stitches are out, you can go back to the soft cast, or I can make you a hard one.”

“Nope, soft.”

“Of course, how can I forget who I’m talking to for a moment. Alright, you’re free to go now.”

John hummed, not answering as he was sucked back into the application test. He left the infirmary without a word, walking the halls by rote on his way back to his office.

When he came in, Evan was already inside, working on files that someone had dropped off to them that morning, and John dropped into the chair at his desk, not looking up at him. It wasn’t an awkward avoidance, but he really was interested in this application right now.

“What are you doing?”

John startled, not realizing that Evan had moved behind him to see the screen, and looked up at him. “Uh… Rodney gave it to me this morning. It’s got games and stuff in it, but I’m not sure what it is.”

Evan leaned over the back of the chair to watch him play some sort of IQ game. Earth didn’t have anything like that. “Cool.”

***

When Ronon came in to John and Evan’s office to get John -and continue to try and convince him that ageplay would be a good thing- and ended up stopped in the doorway.

As a general rule, while having paperwork days, John and Evan kept their door open for any soldiers who might need them, and might be too nervous to knock. Now, that sounds like a person that shouldn’t be in the military at all, but in all honesty, John and Evan tried to foster a sense of calm among their marines that most other bases on Earth did not, and as a result, many new recruits have come from other bases where coming to your superior officer for something as trivial as a fight with another marine, was usually seen as a complaint not worth pursuing.

John and Evan had thought that was ridiculous, and stated an open door policy, where anyone can come to them for help as long as they’re not in an active crisis at the moment.

When your entire life is living of def con 1, people learn to give slack where others wouldn’t.

Ronon found John and Evan there, as well as Laura Cadman and three random marines that Ronon couldn’t put a name to the faces, all watching John play some sort of exploding video game.

Evan was pressed up against his side for a better view, leaning out of his office chair so he could see, and Laura -because Laura is the type of woman that will lay on you if she likes you enough- was draped over the back of John’s chair, nearly wrapping the commander into what looked like a full body contact hug.

John looked relaxed. Like, nothing like he usually looked when he flinched if people even reached for him, he looked relaxed, and entirely distracted by the loud game on the tablet.

He cleared his throat in the doorway, making most of the people in the room jump, though John was still playing the game. “You guys havin a party?”

John’s fingers paused on the game, and they all let out a groan when the pause caused the game to crash and he lost.

John looked up at him and groaned again. “Oh, fuck me, what time is it?”

“Time for your shift to be over. Have you done anything of import today?”

John honestly thought about that for a moment. “I… finished that aptitude test that Rodney gave me this morning. I put the tablet down here somewhere…”

Laura stood up from the back of the chair, and John’s neck and upper back felt oddly cold because of it. That had actually felt nice.

People were so dumb sometimes, he really didn’t understand where they all got the idea that they couldn’t touch him. Laura was smarter than most of them. Rodney insisted it was because she had no personal bubble.

“Rodney came in and took the tablet when I came around. He seemed glad to be rid of me, and I wanted to watch you play.”

John hadn’t even known that Rodney had come by… wow…

He sighed, and looked over at the pile of tablets that had been left on his In file on his desk, and wondered how much paperwork that actually was. He looked back down at the game, and back up to Ronon, who was standing there with his arms crossed. No matter what, he didn’t think that Ronon was going to let him stay in his office all night to finish those.

“Alright, guys, fun’s over. Ronon, you ruin everything.”

Ronon hummed, not uncrossing his arms while the others left the room.

Laura left with a grin for all of them, and John knew that she was probably going back to Rodney’s lab to pester him until he agreed to watch trashy romance movies with her. Rodney would never admit it, but besides their team, Laura was probably the best friend he had other than Carson and Radek.

When everyone else was out, Ronon raised his eyebrows at the remaining officers. John and Evan gave each other a look. As much fun as Ronon usually was, they both had the feeling that he was the ‘work first, play later’ kind of guy when it came to his own kids.

John vaguely wondered if he could deflect the blame all on Evan somehow and not get in trouble. He’d done that with his own brother a time or two before.

He looked over at Evan, who was studiously not looking at either of them, playing with a fidget toy that was usually on his desk. He’d get no help from him.

Maybe being cute works…

He turned to look at Ronon with a hopeful smile. “Dinner now?”

Ronon grunted once, and begrudgingly nodded. “Yeah, come on.”

***

So, the thing is, John doesn’t get why people think they’re not allowed to touch him. Well, he kind of understands where they’re coming from, but it makes him feel like shit, because not a single one of them have ever asked him.

He’s initiated contact with them before, he’s done everything in his power to convince them, that it’s not off limits to him.

You know… other than telling them…

Thing is, he can’t help the flinch when people reach for him. He knows it’s off putting, and he knows it makes him look like he hates being touched, but really, he can’t help it. He also craves that touch, that no one else will give him when they see it.

It’s probably what ended his marriage. Not the lack of touch, but the way he flinched when his own wife would reach for him. That’s got to be off putting.

Of course, it doesn’t make him feel any less like shit about it though. There were a few people that either understood -like Laura- or were starting to get it -like Evan and maybe Ronon- but Christ, the more he got a taste of it in small amounts, the more he found people who were willing to see past the flinching to realize that it didn’t mean he didn’t want them touching, the more he missed what he didn’t have.

He doesn’t know where the flinching started. He thinks one of his nannies as a kid might have given him too tight of hugs, but once the flinching started, it never really stopped.

He was sitting in Ronon’s living room that night, thinking about probably sleeping there as well, when Ronon came into the room with an honest to god colouring book , and John gave him a funny look when Ronon set it down in front of him with a pack of crayons. It didn’t look like any colouring book he’d ever seen before, and the crayons… actually… they look like crayons, but they don’t smell like wax, and he’s never seen a package like this before.

He’s not even sure the package was cardboard…

“Rodney said that they delegates gave him that to give to you. They said they’re sorry for upsetting you so much yesterday.”

John thought about that for a minute, before spitting out the yellow chew pendant. “That’s odd.”

He shoved the pendant back in right after, feeling weird and anxious inside when he’d taken it out for some reason.

It took him another few minutes to work up to what he’d been trying to get at before, and when he finally did, he pulled it back again. His words felt heavy in his mouth, and they came out kind of like a mess. It made him feel like an actual little kid, and for the first time, despite the anxiety in his stomach making him feel sick, he felt like he might actually be what Ronon thought he was.

“If… if I try not to flinch at it… I…” He swallowed once, and almost considered not finishing at all, but Ronon looked so gentle and completely unthreatening, he knew he’d regret it later. “If I try not to, can I have a hug?”

The silence went on for longer than he expected, and when Ronon finally answered, he was nearing a panic attack. “Yes, of course.”

John stood up from where he’d been curled up in front of the couch, and practically dove for the bigger man before Ronon could change his mind, pushing himself most of the way into his lap while he tried to get his own breathing under control.

They ended up staying like that for long enough that they both lost track of time, and when John finally moved, it was only to shove the yellow pendant back in his mouth and wriggle into a more comfortable position in Ronon’s arms.

He thinks that he can stand it… being a little, doing ageplay, that is… as long as he gets this as well, because it’s been a long time since the last time he could bury himself in someone’s arms, and others might not think he’s into that, but it really did make all the difference.

***

Evan was freaking awesome.

John had always known this, Evan was his go-to guy when he needed something done.

Apparently, he was also his go-to friend when involving anything with ageplay.

“No, I’m definitely older than John.”

They were sitting at the coffee table in Ronon’s living room, playing with a 3D puzzle that Evan had brought over from his own quarters.

John let out the most offended squawk at the other little there, and shook his head, looking back at Ronon who was sitting above them on the couch. “No he’s not, promise!”

Evan nodded, knowingly. “You’re too little not to stick things in your mouth, John, I’m way bigger.”

John looked down at the puzzle piece in his hand -it was only a little bit slobbery, he doesn’t get why Evan was complaining so much- and debated the merits of throwing it at the other little, when a hand wrapped around his waist on either side, pulling him back a little.

“Don’t be so upset, John, come cuddle with me while Evan finishes building.”

There wasn’t much to do here in terms of things to play with, and Ronon felt bad for not having much to keep the boys entertained, but it was honestly nice just to have a quiet night in with the two of them.

John put the puzzle piece back on the table, and turned, taking a dive for Ronon’s lap. He loved sitting in Ronon’s lap, it was the best thing ever because he was so big and it was like getting a million snuggles all at once.

It’s been a long time since he’s gotten any proper cuddles. He ended up sitting sideways on Ronon’s lap while sucking on his chew pendant. He quite liked the way it felt, thanks.

When he looked back over at Evan, the other little was looking at them with curiosity, and John made a little noise at him and held out one arm to him.

More people doing cuddles sounded amazing.

Evan easily took the bait and dove for them both on the couch too, making Ronon grunt and try to shift the two of them to fit properly in his arms.

Yep, this was pretty awesome. John doesn’t even know why he fought this so damn hard before, it’s nice.

***

The next time that John went to Ritcisaprises -literally the most rediculous name for a planet ever, half their own residents couldn’t pronounce it, they called it Tenag for short, though they still couldn’t figure out where they got the damn name from- he was in a much better mood.

They also had Evan’s entire team there too, mainly because Evan wanted to see the place, and John wanted him there in case he somehow went little again because of being treated like a little kid.

The world delegates were taking them on a tour of the city today.

It was amazing how similar, and yet, entirely different this world was, to Earth.

This whole, ‘not being little’ thing really isn’t working out, now that he’s starting to associate it with good things and all…

Gradgious and the others seemed much less concerned with his mood today, since this is the first time that they’ve seen him happy since the drugging incident.

But still, that didn’t stop them from making his headspace worse, treating him like a little kid.

He and Evan knew they were totally doing it on purpose when they got to their last stop on the tour before heading back to the main offices.

It was a toy store. A big toy store.

“Of course, our talks wouldn’t be complete if we didn’t offer something to keep the little ones entertained. They should be able to find something here that catches their eye. Maybe even a few.”

Evan and John did their best to ignore the man entirely, which worked out fine, because anyone in this group labeled as ‘big’ seemed to have the idea that they were actual children. If only Ronon would let them get away with as much as they can get away with these idiots for.

John let Evan drag him off into the store while the ‘adults’ talked shop at the front of the building, and looked at all the colourful things as they passed. This place was awesome.

Actually, they’re pretty lucky, he thinks. They’d never be able to run around a toy store back on Earth without either pretending they’re buying for a child, or getting funny looks. But as they went through the store, there were actually a lot of other adults like them shopping.

One girl was clinging to a woman’s hand while excitedly babbling on about how pretty what she was playing with was. It looked a little like a tea set, but slightly different style than they were used to back on Earth. There was a teenage boy in the next aisle, looking at mountain bikes while a little kid and an adult ran around behind him, probably babysitting for them.

It was utterly amazing to watch how differently their societies are, and what Earth could have been like if there were only a few differences.

Evan let go of him when he gave a little tug on his hand, seeing a section for stuffed animals. He sucked a little harder on the pendant in his mouth when he saw them. Of course, none of them looked like Earth creatures, and he loved it.

At this point in his life, he can safely say, that alien and familiar, have started becoming one in the same to him. Evan let him go, but kept an eye on him till he got to the stuffed animals, before heading back towards his main goal in the first place, the 3-5 year old section of the store.

Maybe Evan was right about being older than him, but he can’t really imagine why he’d want paints and crafting stuffs like Evan did, when you can have something soft to cuddle at night instead.

Of course, Ronon was nice to sleep on too -and that was a new thing for them, but John’s found that once he’s allowed himself that touch, he feel upset at the idea of letting it go- but he wasn’t soft .

Evan was a little more soft than he was, but he’s only slept on him that one time that Ronon made them take a nap together one day, so John is pretty sure that he needs something extra soft to cuddle at night.

He held up an animal that looked the most similar out of all the stuffies on the table, and cocked his head to the side at it. It was a one eared bunny with three eyes.

“Mastadasin. They used to be a native pet to Sateda.”

John sucked once on the pendant in between his teeth, and looked back at Ronon with his head cocked to the side. Of course, Ronon had followed them there, like he would ever leave his boys alone. He took a moment to answer, but when he did, he sounded muffled by the chew pendant. “Bunny rabbit.”

Ronon frowned. “Mastadasin.”

John frowned harder, this time, his voice came out stern. How dare he try and correct him. “Bun-ny rab-bit.”

Ronon snorted once, looking so damn amused that John almost wanted to yell at him for daring to think of him as cute in this important time. “Alright.”

Evan came out of the aisle he’d been down with a colourful box of what was most likely paints or something he can use for crafting -because Evan was predictable like that- and ran over to come see them. He stopped next to John and reached over to brush a few fingers through the soft fur on the stuffie he’d been holding. “Bunny.”

John turned to give Ronon a superior look, happy that he had his fellow little on his side for this one, because it’s important , okay. Ronon just shook his head, looking amused.

When they left the planet this time, John was much happier with their interactions than he had been the other times they’d been there.

Infact, maybe he’s just happier in general. Things are pretty good.