Chapter Text
Dinner was, if possible, even more uncomfortable than tea in the garden had been. Loki was so incredibly grateful to have his brother. Thor chattered on incessantly about something Loki wasn't even listening to, but it kept all the attention of the table. Loki didn't have to participate and took the opportunity to avoid socializing gladly. He wasn't sure if it was just his imagination or what but Loki swore that Gerd kept looking at him and it was off-putting, to say the least. He just wanted those horrible red eyes to go away. Of course, Loki didn't look up from his plate to confirm that the spouse of Freyr was looking, but Loki also didn't feel the need to verify that.
Loki wasn't even sure what he was eating. Or if he was eating. He didn't feel hungry. If anything he felt somewhat nauseous and had since he and Thor had first started heading back to the palace with the realization that Freyr and Gerd had arrived. He was fairly certain he ate at least a few bites of whatever it was because his mother wasn't pestering him to eat anything and she would have if he hadn't taken at least a little.
Thor and Loki were used to both formal and informal dinners with diplomats even though they tended to be excused from the more formal ones, but never before had even the casual dinners seemed to last so long. Loki swore half the night was going by while they sat there around the table. Loki tried his best to pull his attention back to whatever Thor was rambling about but found that he just couldn't. This was even worse than sitting down at tea. Loki couldn't make some excuse about Ofnir and leave. He had to wait, and the waiting was excruciating.
After some time, a servant came and gestured at Lok's plate questioningly. Loki nodded and pushed away from the table slightly so that his partially eaten food could be taken away. There would be another few courses, there always were, but he'd managed to sit through the main meal. Loki looked up at his Mother. "May I be excused?"
Frigga frowned slightly, and Loki could tell that she wasn't happy with the amount he'd eaten at dinner. He couldn't help it though. Loki wanted to be anywhere but there. Frigga studied her son another moment before sighing and nodding. "You may."
Loki jumped up quickly from his seat and hurried off without a second glance. Not that he was fleeing, per say, he would just really rather not be there any longer than he had to be. Loki hurried to his room and practically flung himself over the bed. Ofnir lifted his head quickly and then blinked several times since he had been disturbed from where he'd been sleeping on Loki's pillow.
Loki didn't notice Ofnir at all and just kicked off his shoes and pulled his blankets over top of his head. He wasn't sure why but for the first time in, he was pretty sure his entire life, he felt cold, and he didn't like that feeling. Loki curled up under the blanket and shook although he wasn't sure why he was shaking so badly. He knew being cold made people tremble, but he'd never noticed Thor this bad when he was cold.
Loki curled up tighter even as he felt Ofnir crawl over him and tuck himself close to where Loki's head was buried against his own knees. Loki closed his eyes and tried to just breathe and stop shaking so badly. He heard Ofnir make a few noises and rub up against him despite the blanket.
After a little while, Loki heard the door to his room open. "Loki?"
Loki almost groaned but managed not to. "What, Thor?" he asked without getting out from under the covers. He found he liked being curled up under them like he was.
Loki felt the bed slump as Thor got on it. "Are you alright, brother?"
"I'm fine," Loki grumbled. And that was true. Physically he was sure he was entirely healthy. He just felt like never leaving his bed again was all. There was a moment's silence, and then Thor managed to worm his way under the covers with Loki. "I can't believe she made us sit through dinner like that," Loki grumbled.
"It wasn't really that bad was it?" Thor asked.
"It was that bad," Loki insisted.
Thor sighed and clasped the back of Loki's neck with one hand to draw their foreheads together. "You're getting yourself worked up over something that doesn't even matter. I promise you."
"That's easy for you to say," Loki muttered although he had to admit -if only to himself- his brother's familiar gesture of comfort and closeness really did seem to help calm him down. He hadn't realized how hard his heart had been pounding in his chest until the tightness began to ease.
"It isn't easy," Thor denied. "Not when I see how upset this all makes you."
Loki closed his eyes and reached up to wrap his own hand around Thor's neck. "Thank you for coming and checking on me, brother. I feel better now."
"You're still shaking, Loki," Thor pointed out unhappily.
"Maybe," Loki admitted. No matter how hard he tried to stop, he just couldn't seem to do so. He wasn't even cold anymore, but his muscles kept trembling without his say. "But I do feel better than I did before you came in."
"Should I get Mother?"
Loki shook his head. "No. I think I'll just go to sleep..."
"You did do a lot of magic today," Thor pointed out. "It's no wonder you're tired."
"It's no worse than when I was trying to figure out the cold charm for Ofnir's collar," Loki said. "Or at least it wasn't any worse until dinner. For some reason that really tired me out. I think I'll skip breakfast tomorrow."
"Then you'll just complain about missing breakfast all morning," Thor said.
Loki scoffed. "I would not."
"You would too, and you know it."
Loki huffed and gave Thor a slight shove. "You're the one that eats like a pig," Loki accused. "You have four stomachs like a cow, and they never fill. It's the only explanation."
Thor shoved Loki back. "At least I don't eat so fast I nearly choke myself."
"I have more important things to do with my time than eating," Loki declared. "I don't see why I should have to wait for you to stuff your face with another three helpings of whatever we're eating."
And just like that, a small scuffle broke out. Ofnir hissed in displeasure as he was bumped into and the blankets jerked around under him. He crawled back onto the pillow and eyed the noisy and moving lump that was the two brothers with one disapproving slit pupil before settling down again. "Ow!" Thor shouted before he went tumbling off the bed entirely and hit the ground with a thud.
Loki poked his head out from under the blankets to look down at the now frowning blonde. "Serves you right," Loki said.
"Fine, I won't be sympathetic next time," Thor replied.
Loki's eyebrow went up. "If you really think you can hold back..."
"Brat," Thor accused as he got to his feet. Loki wasn't in the least bit phased by the name. Thor sighed and brushed himself off. "You sure you're alright?" Thor asked.
"I'm sure, brother," Loki answered. "Right now I'm just mostly tired, so I'm going to go to bed early."
Thor still didn't look entirely convinced but nodded. "Alright. Goodnight then. If you need me-"
"I won't," Loki interrupted with exasperation.
"-then I'll be in my room," Thor finished in spite of Loki.
Loki rolled his eyes. "Goodnight, Thor."
Thor nodded and left while Loki just shook his head a little. He might have reacted somewhat... poorly at meeting Gerd, but he wasn't a baby. He didn't need his big brother to stay with him all night just to make him feel better. Loki got out of bed just long enough to change into his sleep shirt and leggings and turn out the light. As soon as Loki was back in bed, Ofnir shifted to curl up against his chest. Loki wrapped his arms around the lizard and let himself settle into the plush mattress and pillow so that he could sleep. Loki lay there for over an hour just listening to Ofnir snore beside him and trying to get to sleep himself.
Loki was lying on his back on something hard, and he was hot. So unbearably hot that he swore that he could hear his skin beginning to crack and flake. The hot air made him want to cough, but at the same time his lungs seemed to shrivel up in his chest, and he couldn't get the air to do so. Loki sat up and looked around but couldn't see for the glare from somewhere up above and the waves of heat all around him. When he blinked his eyes to try and refocus, it was like two screens of rough metal scraping along his eyes. It hurt to blink, and tears escaped from his eyes only to practically sizzle along his cheeks.
His tongue didn't feel any wetter than his lips as he tried to soothe the cracks that were forming. He could taste blood from the deep crevasses, and that made Loki cringe. Loki brought his hands up to rub his streaming eyes and gasped when he saw his own skin. His hands were blue. Bright blue with lines running over his tendons and meeting with his black nails. "No!" he gasped in horror, unable to tear his eyes away. A sudden breeze of pure ice swept past and the desert that he had been roasting in turned into endless snow and ice.
Loki cried out and scrambled to his feet. The wind was howling, and snow was flying every which way to block sight. Loki couldn't stop the panic as he backed away; as if he would suddenly find some way out of the endless tundra.
Loki bumped into something and gave a short cry of surprise. He jumped forward and spun around. His horror mounted when he came face to face with a massive blue figure. Lines that seemed far too familiar to him were engraved into a stern face. Loki backed away several steps as red eyes seemed to look straight into his soul. He wasn't sure who this was, but the lines he knew he had seen before and something about those razor sharp cheekbones echoed something else Loki was sure he'd seen before. Loki swallowed hard as the Jotunn stepped closer, its long stride crossing the distance before Loki could do anything. The Jotunn grabbed Loki tightly around one arm, and Loki screamed.
Loki woke up choking on his own breath and covered in a thin sheen of sweat. He looked around in horror but realized where he really was after a moment. His heart was still thundering so loudly in his chest he was surprised that Ofnir slept soundly so nearby. Loki trembled and forced himself to take several deep breaths. Every limb felt weak, and the room was too dark.
He got to his feet and went to his wash basin in the corner. Loki still felt unsteady as he splashed some water over his face and neck to rinse away the fear. Loki wasn't sure why the dream had frightened him so much. The Jotunn hadn't even done anything really. But nonetheless, he was frightened to his core from the nightmare.
Loki braced himself over his wash basin and tried to not remember those red eyes fixing him with such an intense stare. He wasn't entirely successful, and as he stared at his own slightly rippling reflection, he realized he remembered what his own real face looked like. His horror at the dream returned with a vengeance, and despite trying to tear his eyes away from the water, he couldn't quite manage it.
The ceramic bowl suddenly broke nearly in half, and the water almost exploded outwards to splash over everything. Loki gasped in surprise and backed away quickly. He hadn't meant to do that. Loki suddenly realized the room was too dark and too confining. He needed to be outside. He needed someplace less stifling. He turned and opened the door to the balcony and nearly tripped in his haste to get outside.
Loki grabbed the railing of the porch and tried to catch his breath as best he could. Ofnir trilled from the doorway, and Loki absently closed the door before the little wyvern could follow him out. He didn't trust himself to keep an eye on the reptile just then. He just needed a moment to gather his wits. But staying still to do that didn't seem to be an option either. Loki needed to move. No real reason other than his body was thrumming with adrenaline, and he was sure that was why he was still shaking like he was.
Loki climbed up onto the porch railing and then jumped down to the courtyard below. He landed smoothly in a crouch among several manicured bushes. Loki took a moment to gather himself before straightening and starting walking. The moon was huge in the sky above him, and he was sure it had to be very late at night.
Loki aimlessly wandered the several open-air courtyards and sitting areas that were dotted throughout the palace and was glad to feel himself calming down. He was reasonably sure that he wouldn't be getting to sleep again that night, but at least his hands weren't shaking still. Loki was still profoundly unsettled, but the terror had faded. Loki kicked a small stone back into the rock garden it had been lost from. He really shouldn't have been as scared as he had been, he realized. The dream wasn't even that scary. He wasn't a baby to be afraid of Jotnar in the night. The stupid giant hadn't even done anything. Just grabbed him. And yet that one Frost Giant reaching for him was somehow a million times more frightening than the dreams of those idiots back in Asgard that seemed to enjoy cornering him when Thor and Tyr weren't around. Loki didn't understand that. Those stupid muscle-bound Aesir could actually do things -had actually done things- and the Jotnar couldn't. So why were they so much more terrifying to him?
Loki paused beside a small tree that was covered in dark red bark and rather than leaves had tiny white flowers exploding from each delicate branch. The whole thing only reached midway up Loki's chest and exuded a calming sweet smell that Loki thought was extremely pleasing. He reached out and fingered one of the small blooms. The flowers were soft as silk against his the pads of his fingers, and more of that wholesome smell escaped and clung to Loki's hand. The ball of tension that had built up in his chest relaxed almost instantly, and Loki sighed.
"It is called a Starfly Blossom," a voice said.
Loki jumped and spun around so fast he almost tripped. Sitting at a nearby table that Loki hadn't noticed was Gerd. Loki's eyes widened. How had he missed the giant sitting there? Was he really that consumed with his own thoughts? "W-what?"
"The tree. It's a Starfly Blossom. The sweet scent it gives off attracts Starflies to pollinate it," Gerd explained, misreading what Loki was asking.
"I know that," Loki said automatically. Although he knew the tree as a Vanaheim Cloud Tree. Starfly Blossom was just a different name for the same plant.
Gerd raised a pale eyebrow. "I see," they said. Loki could only stare at the tall figure. "I'm sorry. I've startled you, haven't I?"
Loki swallowed hard and, with great effort, relaxed his posture. "N-not at all," he said. He was lying through his teeth, but Gerd probably couldn’t tell. Most people couldn’t figure out when he lied.
Gerd let out a low chuckle. "I have, and you're putting on a brave face. You needn't try so hard to hide from me, little one. I've no desire to upset you."
“I’m not hiding,” he said quickly and tucked his hands behind himself.
“Are you not?” Gerd asked, sounding disbelieving. “Well, my mistake,” they said indulgently.
The silence between the two of them lingered for several uncomfortable minutes. Gerd didn’t seem to notice and looked up at the moon, which seemed to make the lines along their skin glow. “I like it out here at night. It is cooler and more comfortable, don’t you think?”
Loki swallowed hard and didn’t answer. He did find it more comfortable after the sun set but he didn’t think admitting it was wise. Unless… again Loki had to wonder if Gerd knew about him. About what he was. The thought was very unsettling, but he found he just had to know. “Did Mother tell you?” he asked, barely able to get his voice above a whisper.
“Tell me what, little one?” Gerd asked.
“About what I am?” Loki managed to clarify.
Gerd was quiet as they studied the youngster in front of them. “About being Jotnar? No, she did not,” Gerd answered. “But I could tell.”
Loki’s eyes snapped up instantly. “How?” he demanded. The idea of someone being able to tell deeply upset him. He didn’t want anyone to know anything like that about him. It was bad enough he never fit in because of his magic and his dislike of sparing. Loki didn’t need to add being Jotnar on top of that.
“You are so very terrified of me, Loki,” Gerd said. “Far more than you should be considering you’ve never met a Giant of any sort before. None could have hurt you in the past, the whole of the Nine Realms would have felt the Allfather’s wrath if something a thing were to happen. So, there had to be some other reason. I know you were born at the end of the war so, I thought at first it was simply too many war stories you’d overheard, but that didn’t seem right either.”
Loki looked off to the side awkwardly. The war stories he’d heard didn’t help, but Gerd was right that they weren’t what really upset him. War stories were just any other stories; most likely embellished beyond all reason until they couldn’t be taken seriously anymore. “So, what could have possibly been the cause, I wondered?” Gerd continued. “And then your mother said that you had a baby wyvern as a pet. Now that is quite odd. There would have to be some reason for a wyvern to be attracted to you. You didn’t seem to have any bits of you missing from handling one, you see,” Gerd pointed out. “From there it only took a minor leap.”
Loki shifted where he stood uncomfortably. He still didn’t like that Gerd had figured him out so easily. “If it helps, if I were not half Jotnar myself it would be much more difficult to guess,” they offered.
Loki shrugged. That didn’t really help him feel better. Silence returned between them, and Gerd took a sip of whatever drink they had with them. Finally, they sighed, “Why are you so afraid of me, Loki?”
The silence lingered for several minutes as Loki tried to figure out how to put it all into words. “You’re so strange… and-and the book said that I was supposed to be killed and… I just I don’t understand how any of it…” Loki broke off there and wrapped his arms around himself. There was just so much to try and comprehend. Nothing was the same now. Jotnar were so different from Aesir, Loki just couldn’t process it no matter how hard he worked at it. And he had been trying. He really had.
Gerd tilted their head to the side thoughtfully before extending an arm. "Come here, little one. I think we need to talk."
"Talk about what?" Loki demanded without moving closer.
"About Jotnar," Gerd said, not lowering their arm despite the fact that Loki hadn't moved into their offer of comfort. "As wonderfully useful as Heritage Tomes are, they shouldn't be the only place to get your information about what you are. I see you're scared of all these changes. There's no reason for that."
Loki frowned darkly at the ground somewhere off to his right. "I know Father could change me if tried... Father can do anything, he's the Allfather."
"Odin is powerful," Gerd agreed. "But not even the Norns can change what you are, Loki. Now come here."
There was an awkward pause of several minutes where Loki didn't move, and Gerd just sat there waiting. Finally, Loki relented and moved to Gerd's side. The Jotunn pulled Loki up into their lap and, though Loki protested and squirmed, wrapped their arm around the young Prince to keep him in place. Slowly, Loki’s skin started to show blue where Gerd’s arm was touching. Loki shied away, but there was nowhere to move to, and so the sapphire continued to spread. "Enough of that now. There is a lot more to being a Jotunn than just our size or what we look like."
"Such as?" Loki asked, sounding petulant and unhappy to have been put in Gerd's lap so easily.
"Well, I'm sure you've noticed that smells offend you more easily than they do your brother," Gerd began. "That would be because we have a stronger sense of smell than Asgardians or Vanir or really any of the other races. It's only natural when so many animals in Jotunheim are camouflaged to blend with the snow."
Loki frowned but then slowly began to nod. "I suppose that does make sense..." he muttered. "But I wasn't really wondering about that."
"You wanted an example," Gerd replied without pause. "Don't be upset when I give you one. If you have something that is bothering you... tell me, and I'll explain it to you."
At first, Loki didn't say anything and started trying to subtly slide off of Gerd's lap. The partner of Freyr was able to keep Loki in place without too much of an effort, which only seemed to annoy the young prince more. Loki sighed in exasperation. "I'm not a child. Why do I have to be in your lap for this?" he finally demanded.
"You are a child," Gerd replied instantly. "You're not even fully grown yet."
"I'm not going to get as tall as you. I'm defective," Loki muttered.
Gerd raised one eyebrow. "You're hardly that," they said. "There are quite a few with your condition in Jotunheim now that the law was overturned. It might be a hard life for them, but we've started to notice that to make up for their smaller size they're quite adept at Seidr use. We hadn't ever known that before due to how few survived to any real age. None that I know of are as strong with it as you, but the majority of them are stronger than normal sized Jotnar. You're quite normal, Loki." Gerd had heard just how strong Loki already was with his magic, so much so that Frigga had mentioned trying to find some Alfr tutors for the young mage specifically for his skills. Gerd had their suspicions as to why Loki would be so strong, especially now that they saw the dynasty lines on Loki’s body.
"I don't feel normal," Loki said, looking down at his blue hands. He was beginning to tremble again.
"Why not?" Gerd asked. "Are you so very different than how you were before you found out about this?"
Loki shifted uncomfortably. "I'm not a boy anymore..."
"You're not not a boy," Gerd said. Loki sent the older Jotunn an annoyed look. "Well, it's true. If you want to be a boy, then you're perfectly able to do that."
"Boys don't..." Loki broke off there and looked away from Gerd.
"And what don't boys do?" Gerd asked. Loki kept looking away and didn't answer. Gerd sighed, "You're going to have to tell me, Loki. I don't know anything about boys versus girls seeing how we don’t have such distinctions, so I don't know what is upsetting you so much."
There was a very long silence between them as Loki stubbornly refused to explain exactly what was bothering him. Eventually, Gerd decided to take a guess as to what might be bothering Loki although they could only think of one significant thing that parted the two genders in most races. "You don't have to carry children if you don't want to," Gerd said. "And even if you did I would say that doing so made you stronger than most 'men'. It is not an easy thing to do."
"I don't want to," Loki said firmly.
"You might change your mind," Gerd commented. "But that doesn't matter. Like I said... there are plenty Jotnar that never carry children. It is a choice."
"If I were to... do that," Loki began awkwardly, "then I really would be Ergi."
Gerd frowned. "I don't know what that means..."
"It's bad," Loki said. "Unmanly..."
"Can you really be unmanly if you are a Jotunn?" Gerd asked thoughtfully. "I don't believe that you can."
"But I'm not a Jotunn."
"You are," Gerd said. "Enough of this. Just relax, Loki. You're worrying about this far too much when none of it actually matters. You can be whatever you wish to be." Loki began to argue again, but Gerd clasped a hand to the back of his neck and squeezed lightly. Loki went silent, and Gerd gently pulled the younger Jotunn closer. "I said enough, Loki, don't worry about things that might not even happen. Just be yourself."
Loki couldn't quite help but relax against Gerd as the ball of nerves inside of him eased. "I don't think that'll work..."
"Why not?" Gerd asked, still rubbing the back of Loki's neck.
"... because I don't know what that is anymore," Loki muttered.
"There's no great secret, Loki," Gerd said. "Just do what you like and ignore what others say and do. Their opinions don't matter. If other people's opinions mattered... I would not be married now to a man that showers me with praise and love."
Loki was quiet for several minutes. "You think too much, Loki," Gerd said. "And worry too much." Loki let out a shaky exhale and tried to do as Gerd suggested and stop thinking. Unfortunately, that was so much easier said than done for him. “It’s alright, little one,” Gerd said, brushing some of Loki’s hair back gently. “I promise you everything will be fine.”