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The night before the Grand Prix was cold, empty and seemed endless.

At least that was what one Katsuki Yuuri thought of it as he thrashed in his bed. He deeply regretted not being in Viktor´s bed, even though they were separated so he could have a full night of rest.

Rest seemed such a strange and foreign word, far away, out of his reach.

He rolled from one side of the bed to the other, but he couldn´t find a way to stop the anxiety making his whole body tremble; the shivers running through his skin were cold and uncomfortable, his breath couldn´t be tamed and it came out in awful long gasps. He felt trapped inside his little room, inside his own skin, his eyes hurt from tiredness, he was dying, he needed to sleep and yet he couldn´t get five minutes with his eyes closed without feeling an upsetting sensation that the roof was about to fall on him if he didn´t open them again. He was holding back, he didn´t want to cry because he knew he might not be able to stop. He was going to go mad or faint in the middle of the ice the next day and embarrass himself; worse than that, he was going to prove right all the people who had said Viktor wasn´t ready to coach him.

Viktor  Yuuri thought. He is in the room next door sleeping deeply and I am here going mad with anxiety and he is going to leave after I fall down in the middle of the rink; perhaps he already knows I´ll fail and that´s why he doesn´t care.

Yuuri shook his head hard to try to dissipate the thought, even if he didn´t make it to the podium Viktor would still be there. A few tears broke free and he was getting more and more upset as every second passed. They had been together so long and so much had happened between them, he was sure that Viktor wouldn´t leave him but those words echoed in his mind from time to time, “I´ll quit being your coach” the way Viktor had turned and how easily he had delivered them. A piercing twinge inside his chest made him close his eyes tightly and bite his lips hard enough to draw blood as he screamed inside his own mind at the voice saying that it would be just as easy for Viktor to leave now if he truly wanted. His hands went up to his ears even though it wouldn´t help, the voice was inside him and would not be silenced so easily. He´ll see the failure that you truly are as bright as day, the blindfold is going to fall from his eyes eventually. How long do you think he´ll keep dealing with your pathetic weakness? Yuuri whimpered, growing angry at himself for how accurate and solid his irrational thoughts felt and how it did not matter that deep down he knew Viktor would stay, that he was sure of it, his mind didn´t care and rose against him, crushing him, making him bury his head deep in the pillow. The worst part was the sudden hit of guilt that was thrown into the mix. Guilt for thinking so little of someone he loved, of someone who loved him, someone who didn´t deserve what his sneaky mind was saying of him.

He wanted the voice to stop and his body to calm, but the pounding of his heart only got worse as the seconds ticked by. He´ll quit, he´ll leave and do you know what will hurt the most? How easy it´ll be for him. That was it. His mouth opened in a silent scream as he pressed his hands to his ears harder and clenched his eyes enough to see white behind his eyelids, his lungs contracting painfully hard as if to block him from breathing ever again but as soon as it started the moment stopped and he was able to gasp for air. Then he jumped out of his bed. He stood up beside his bed gasping for air fisting his hands on his shirt trying to calm his upset heart.

As his mind ranted on, his body did its job and by the time Yuuri was aware of the world around him, he was in front of Viktor´s door. He did not touch the wood, but it was not necessary; just as he was starting to panic yet again, the door opened revealing a very wrecked looking Viktor. His eyes were red, his hair went in all directions, his clothes were a mess and they were the same ones that he had been wearing to their practice hours ago. Yuuri had never seen him so lost and disheveled.

Before Yuuri could ask him what was going on with him or if he was alright, Viktor grabbed his arm and pulled him inside, then threw him onto the bed.

Yuuri could hear the rustle of clothing as Viktor undressed; he had his face buried in a pillow again, and as his mind registered Viktor's scent on it, his eyes drifted closed, his mind receding for just a moment of serenity.

“You took long enough,” Viktor whispered, barely audible as he settled himself under the sheets next to Yuuri.

“Why didn´t you come to my room then, you always come and ask if we can sleep together. What stopped you tonight?” Yuuri asked, his voice low but present.

“I didn´t know if instead of helping you, I would be making things worse and you were supposed to be resting,” Viktor replied as his hand made its way through Yuuri´s hair. “And I didn´t want you to see…” As Viktor´s voice faded, Yuuri´s eyes opened with wonder as he realized that Viktor was as nervous as him.

“Do you think I´ll fail?” Yuuri asked then swallowed hard.

“No. I am not worried about you failing. That is not why I am worried, at least not in the way that you think.” He reassured Yuuri.

“Then why?”

“Because if you do lose, it will be my fault, Yuuri. I am not experienced enough; I should have known you would have trouble sleeping tonight and looked after you, but instead I was in here worrying about how to help you at the competition. I so was so busy thinking about tomorrow that I missed what was happening right now. I know you get anxious and look, you already are and I didn’t do a thing to make it better; I failed you when you needed me most. I can’t do that again, but I don’t know how to do things differently or improve my coaching. I am sorry Yuuri. Perhaps you should think about getting a new coach next season; I let you down and I should have known better.”

Yuuri, who was wide awake again, stared for a few seconds at Viktor´s sad blue eyes, which were puffy from lack of sleep and for a moment he couldn´t recognise him. Last time that Viktor had said those lines Yuuri was able to see that he didn´t mean it, but right at this moment, every single word about letting go was real. Viktor looked vulnerable and it was hard to believe that the person in front of him was the same confident, cheeky, professional skater that he was used to seeing every day. He had once heard him say to his face that he was more mediocre than he thought, was right there looking so fragile because he thought he was not good enough to deal with Yuuri´s mental issues. He could not wrap his head around the thought of Viktor not feeling competent or confident, and in the poor state his mind was in, his empathy was clouded to say the least; he felt like he couldn´t allow Viktor to think so little of himself, he knew how it felt and a part of him was desperately worried about Viktor feeling even remotely as inept and helpless as he felt. The idea was so strange that in his disturbed mind the only solution he found was…

A slap, clear, well aimed and just hard enough to bring reality back, he was running at over thirty six hours without sleep and he was seeing a stranger when what he needed was Viktor to tell him to suck it up and that they would be together at the end, no matter what. Instead he was watching his beloved feeling unqualified and the thought alone was perturbing and made his skin itch.

“Didn´t you just do it again?” Yuuri said as Viktor recovered from his shock at getting slapped.

“I asked you to stay by my side and you helped me to make it this far, we are here because you stayed by my side, that is all I need and it is more than I ever thought would happen. I don´t want anyone else and I don´t care what way you choose to coach me; as long as you are there it is enough for me!” Yuuri took Viktor by the shoulders and shook him. “You are Viktor Nikiforov, my young, inexperienced and imperfect coach, my mental issues won´t disappear and you won´t make them go.” Yuuri paused and stared directly into Viktor´s startled eyes as he drew breath to continue. “You can´t make them disappear, nor could my previous coach, and I do not need you to make them disappear, because you cannot, not even the most experienced coach would be able to. I just need you to be you and to be here with me to pull me out of the fog. When I can´t see because the fog is too intense, you only need to speak and make it disappear. That alone is more than enough. Because you are unique to me and the only person I want by my side.” Yuuri finished caressing Viktor´s cheeks slowly.

Viktor was frozen staring at Yuuri. That had been one of the longest speeches he had heard from him and he was feeling both amazed and worried by how many tears Yuuri was shedding, Yuuri could tell just by looking at him. He was glad, not only because Viktor cared but because he could see the switch as the Viktor he knew, as his Viktor emerged back.

Viktor opened his arms to him and Yuuri took a deep breath inhaling Viktor´s comforting scent and left the world fade away around them. Then nothing mattered, because he knew, he knew that this time he had been clear enough and if he didn´t win, he would have Viktor by his side to get better and ready for next season, and the one after.

Deep down Yuuri knew, and was determined to conquer the world with Viktor by his side.

“This is the last time we sleep in separate rooms.” Viktor whispered once they were settled and their heartbeats calmer.

“Yurio is right, we are idiots,” Yuuri said, and left Viktor´s laugh lure him to a peaceful dream.