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Chapter Text

1A.) Erwin: Please remind Hange to lessen the alcohol content of legion-approved recreational liquor in her next batch.

1B.) Levi: Your vine brews are so potent, I could use them to gas up my 3DM gear. Remix that shit.

2A.) Erwin: Kindly tell the HQ quartermaster to submit a proposal on improvements for better waste management.

2B.) Levi: You all have the sanitary habits of an exceptionally backwards, syphillic ape. Flush that shit.

3A.) Erwin: The report is good but I have a few clarifications; see attached notes and revise accordingly.

3B.) Levi: Sure, your report is good enough, if I wanted paper to wipe my ass. Revise that shit.

4A.) Erwin: I have received word that poor organization of the storage room was what resulted to that small fire last night. Please investigate.

4B.) Levi: When I said organize the storage room, I did not mean alphabetically. What kind of shit-for-brains puts the bleach next to the blow torch? Rearrange that shit. 

5A.) Erwin: We have received new inventory on spare 3DMG parts. Please take stock.

5B.) Levi: Luckily for you little shits, we have new spare parts to compensate for your atrocious abuse of your source of livelihood. Count that shit.

6A.) Erwin: Ask Mike if he's up to the task of supplying dinner for Meaty Monday. 

6B.) Levi: I don't give a shit if you're "temporarily indisposed due to prolonged debauchery," the commander wants veal tonight. Hunt that shit.

7A.) Erwin: The complaints about the mess hall food are rising. Tell the cook that there is no need to scrimp on salt. 

7B.) Levi: Are you feeding people or swine? Season that shit. 

8A.) Erwin: Please remind the troops that the green bin is for biodegradable waste, yellow bin is for medical waste, and the black bin is for non-biodegradable materials.

8B.) Levi: Unless you're blind, mentally retarded or undead, you have no excuse to throw your toenail clippings into the black bin. "But my toenails are black" or  "I was drunk" is not a valid excuse. Segregate that shit.

9A.) Erwin: Prevention is better than cure. Kindly ensure that the barracks are free of insects and vermin that may cause inconvenient diseases.

9B.) Levi: Do you want to be known as the squad who got wiped out by a mosquito? Fumigate that shit.

10A.) Erwin: Remind the troops that even if it's not pleasant, Hange's "vitamin cocktail" is extraordinarily good for our health. 

10B.) Levi: Even if Hange's vitamin concoction tastes like fermented goat piss, it is necessary to keep you little shits in passable shape. Drink that shit. 

11A.) Erwin: Remind the medics that all wounds must be treated with alcohol to avoid infections. Use Little Water if need be.

11B.) Levi: Would you rather experience weeks of shitting blood or a few seconds of cleansing pain? Stop being a wuss and sterilize that shit.

12A.) Erwin: We will be starting expansion and renovation of the barracks shortly; prepare the sledgehammers and 20 of our angriest men.  

12B.) Levi: Remember that MP asshole who injured Petra in last week's Capture the Flag tournament? Now imagine his face on that wall. Wreck that shit.

13A.) Erwin: T minus 1 hour before departure for the capital. Please make sure you have prepared your luggage accordingly. 

13B.) Levi: I am not lending out my soap and toiletries to any lazy fucker who forgets theirs. Pack that shit.

14A.) Erwin: We’ve had an influx of defective 3DM Gear recently, kindly look into it.

14B.) Levi: A scout just had his balls crushed by a Titan's pinky finger because of your grossly inadequate QC procedures. Fix that shit.

15A.) Erwin: Remind the male troops that we'll be reinstating daily uniform inspections again if they keep leaving their shirt buttons in the brothels.

15B.) Levi: Improper uniform attire will be sanctioned with latrine duty on first offense, a 2100h curfew on second offense, and 10 hours of titan history lectures from Hange for the third offense. Uniform inspections are my specialty. Mend that shit. 

Chapter Text

1.) … So you’re saying if I let you safely extract my liver and my kidneys, Captain Levi will exempt me from cleaning duty? - Eren

2.) I realize we are running out of funds because of that clusterfuck in the capital but no, you cannot harvest Eren’s organs just because he can grow them back. - Levi

3.) Can you please not tell Eren graphic stories concerning Levi’s titan dismembering  habits, the kid is terrified enough as it is. - Erwin

4.) Hange-san, I drank this GoGo juice  thing Mike-san gave me for a nightcap and now I broke my pants. - Eren

5.) The “Little Water”  blend is totally the antidote for Gogo Juice right? Right? – Mike

6.) Shit, I can’t find pants big enough to fit this kid. - Mike

7.) Okay, so I wrapped Eren in a bedsheet and told him that Levi could probably help him through the nasty side effects of GoGo Juice, do you want to bring the snacks or should I? - Mike

8.) No, I didn’t mean it THAT way, god, I was just saying that Levi will glare at his crotch hard enough to make it crawl back into his body cavity. – Mike

9.) Wait- what did you mean about Commander Erwin’s method? On Levi?! - Mike

10.) I don’t have a fucking idea why Mike thinks that I am the authority on handling naked, erect teenagers who come to my room, so I am going to assume that this is entirely your doing. And I don’t have time for this shit. - Levi

11.) So this is what’s going to happen. I will accompany Eren towards your lab. Then, I’m going to rip off those sheets so fast, he’ll bite himself spinning. Then, I shall tell him to bend over—

12.)  - and pick up the spoon I shall throw just beyond his reach. I hope you are ready. - Levi

13.) Hange, next time you slip Eren one of your contraband vine brews, have the tranq ready BEFORE he transforms into a Titan. – Erwin

14.) Not that there will be a next time because I am confiscating everything in your lab except the rocks. -  Erwin

15.) Hange, are you taking down notes? Because your GoGo juice seems to have caused kid titan to develop a humong I mean, OBVIOUS… uh, gender - Mike

16.) And by obvious, I mean, if his gender falls in the forest, it will make a sound. - Mike

17.) The male members of the legion thank you for this sudden wave of emasculation by the way. - Mike

18.) Eren approached me after breakfast, asking why people are looking at his crotch and snickering. Did I miss something last night? – Gunter

19.) Hange-san, people are calling me 'Juggernaut Jaegernuts' and 'Tripod Titan,' did I do something with jugs and peanuts last night because I really can’t remember anything. - Eren

20.) Hange we need to talk. Now. – Erwin

21.) And please give Eren back his pants, since you can’t seem to do the same thing to his dignity. – Erwin

22.)  No, that doesn’t qualify as an emergency;  I am quite certain he is capable of sewing his own pants by himself. – Erwin.

23.) I know you purposely sewed those stitches crooked. It is driving Levi NUTS. I love it. – Mike

24.)  Hange-san, Captain Levi is looking for the sewing kit and he said he needed it 10 minutes ago. Please tell me where it is, I really don’t want to wander around HQ in a bedsheet again. Also, I still don't remember anything.—Eren

25.) By the way, I saved some of that GoGo juice before Commander Erwin confiscated it. Now recalibrate it to last long enough so that the  ladies won’t think they accidentally swallowed half my junk the night before.  – Mike

26.) If you do not surrender the spool of thread in the next minute, I am convincing Commander Erwin to dock your pay. - Levi

27.) No? Then I guess you're not interested in that significant bit of titan anatomy that didn't evaporate last night. - Levi

28.) Hange-san. I remember now. Please, do you have anything to make me forget again? Please? - Eren

29.) I'll give you my liver. And kidneys. And all my fingers. Anything.- Eren

30.) Tell Eren that the tree log strung up outside Levi's window is not what he thinks it is. That is an order.- Erwin

- fin-

Chapter Text

1.) Investigate who charged these prostitutes to the Scouting Legion account and wrote it as meat packing expenses. Then fire them.  Preferably over the other side of Wall Maria.

2.) Have a talk with Levi about his recent regressions to his hoodlum, troubled youth days. Also, make him win your horse back.

3.) Find out who  Alejandro, Fernando and Roberto are and why they purchased 10 sacks of carrots and where they used it.

4.) Alejandro, Fernando and Roberto are Hange’s new titan specimens.

5.) Find new recipes involving carrots.

6.) It is apparently possible to live on nothing but carrots and Little Water for 3 days without becoming a pre-embalmed corpse with terrific eyesight.

7.) That said, get Levi to knock Hange out and take her to the nearest doctor. A legal one.

8.) Irrelevant for now, but Dott Pixis just mentioned that he wouldn’t mind getting eaten by a pretty Titan. This has to be useful sometime in the future.

9.) Levi killed 5 titans today under 10 minutes. Must ask Hange to sew tiny red titan anatomy bits on his wash rags more often.

10.) 20–man entourage for visits to the capital is seriously eating into the budget. In next visit, consider bringing along only Corporal Levi, and just have him glower at everyone.

11.) Operation: Little Warrior, Big Savings was a success.

12.) It is unseemly to mitigate offenses concerning blatant disrespect towards the Military Police. Even if they are a bunch of stuck up, shiterrific limpnoodles, as Levi puts it.

13.) Give Hange a warning anyway.

14.) Do not accept any food or drink from Hange.

15.) Do not accept any food or drink from Mike because they probably came from Hange.

16.) Do not accept any food or drink from Levi because he doesn’t give a shit whether or not It came from Hange.

17.) Drink from own flask and make own food.

18.) Order extra tasty gruel for the upcoming scouting legion fete and open suggestion box for possible bonding activities.

19.) Pre-emptively reject any suggestions from Mike and Hange. I will not have a repeat of the Titan Reproduction Charades incident and have half my female troops resign the next day.

20.) If Mike desperately wants to have meat in the menu, tell him to hunt his own damn deer.

21.) Mike just brought home 2 elks and a sack of field hares and somehow managed to be on time to help Hange test the newest, forcibly diluted batch of Little Water. Concede, “NOSE” is indeed, a valid special ability.

22.) Post reminders everywhere that drunk titan hunting is punishable by Scouting Legion law. Include graphic details on what happened to that scout who tried to paint genitalia on a sleeping titan's pelvis.

23.) Find out who spiked the community punch with Gogo Juice last night and send them to Levi for one year of latrine duty.

24.) Tell Mike to make the ladies leave first before ripping off his pants and challenging all male soldiers to do anatomically improbable feats with their chemically-enhanced endowments. Hands-free push-ups, really?

25.) Tell Mike not to rip off his pants, period. We lose enough of them as it is, and  having to explain why to the Generalissimo would require a soul-crushing effort I do not wish to expend.

26.) Add new rule to the scouting legion by-laws that voluntary destruction of regulation uniform will result to an hour of titan sensitivity classes from Hange, apart from commensurate salary deductions.

27.) Find out what that mysterious paper containing random names and strange numbers on the bulletin box is all about.

28.) Empirical  comparative results of the "bone yard" incident. Do I even want to find out how?

29.) No, I don't.

30.) I’ve never seen so many people fighting over half a centimeter. Why is this my life.

31.) Hange says she wasn’t the one who posted the results of the bone yard incident on the bulletin board. She says it's not Mike either. Levi?

32.) Unlikely, but the scribble “tallest person in the legion, horizontally” beside his name could be a possible motive.

33.) I did not just try to imagine how that would work out.

34.) Little Water sounds like a good idea right now.

35.) Find something else other than Bone Yard to refer to last night's disaster, for the requisite incident reports.

36.) Automatically veto anything suggested by Mike. Though "thrusters on max" has a nice ring to it.

37.) Wait, no it doesn't.

38.) That does it. Discreetly ask Hange for all her stock of “Little Water” vine brew. Trade in "blind eye to one experiment of choice card" to keep her mouth shut. And get the potent stuff, none of that diluted shit.

39.) I'm starting to sound like Levi. Wall Maria, help me.

40.) Think about current life choices, and deliberate on whether or not it's still possible to live out childhood dream of being a simple, honest lumberjack.

- fin -

Chapter Text

1.) If you want to know why your room smells like overripe peaches and vegetable curry, ask Hange. - Erwin
 
2.) Hi, I told my boys that your floor was clean enough to eat on, and they wanted to prove it. – Hange
 
3.) Levi, we have a situation. I know you loathe negotiations, but Bossard was kind of a dick, and now you’re the only one who can make eye contact with the midgets without getting the stink-eye back. We really need those gas supplies. - Mike
 
4.) Levi, I just discovered this plant, cannababy something, from the Military Police stash, and it does amazing things to your stress levels. No wonder those little shits are always hanging loose. - Hange
 
5.)  Seriously, you need to try this. I am so chill, I’m currently writing oriental poetry about my Titan research. - Hange
 
6.)      Death won’t be in vain.
         Just cease evaporating.
         Let me study you
 
7.) I’m telling you, this plant is INSPIRING me to DO THINGS. - Hange
 
8.) Captain, if you can read this, Squad Leader Hange's contemplating jumping into the gaping maw of a 20-meter class titan just to see if there's a way to burst out another end. Please stop her, she still owes me money. - Auruo
 
9.) Sir, I had some of that green liquor the recon corps nicked from the MP and suddenly found Auruo attractive. I propose that it be put under the Scouting Legion's list of banned and extremely toxic substances.  – Petra
 
10.) As resourceful and innovative it is, your proposal for administering corporal punishment via an old wool sock stuffed with the loose teeth and rusty razor blades you found while cleaning the dungeon has been rejected. - Erwin
 
11.) If I told you that this titan-serum prototype may possibly induce unorthodox physical growth, would you volunteer to test it? – Hange
 
12.) I’m just not sure which body part would be affected though; Mike allegedly convinced a Military Police officer to test it, but the guy injected it in his penis and now he has three breasts. - Hange
 
13.) Sir, did you know that there's a village south of Wall Rose that has a life-sized statue of you in the town-square? The plate read:  'Captain Levi: Mankind’s Finest Soldier.'  You’re a living legend!- Gunter

14.) Captain, what Gunter forgot to tell you is, someone vandalized your name plate and now it says, Captain Levi: Sexy Pint-Sized God of War.' Personally, I liked that one better. - Petra
 
15.) Also, did you know that they turned your statue into a major tourist attraction? It’s super popular with newly-weds- the town PR somehow managed to market it as a sacred monument that can grant fertility to any woman who polishes it under the light of the full moon. – Hange
 
16.) And by 'polishes,' I mean 'rubs her bosom indulgently' against it. How does it feel to have your inanimate likeness get more tail than you?- Hange
 
17.) Not that I’m interested in any of Hange’s eccentric discoveries, but I’d like to remind you that your taxes only cover exemptions up to 3 children. No, I’m not implying anything. - Erwin
 
18.) No, you are not allowed to use the legion’s resources to destroy a town's important landmark and source of income. You should be flattered, they thought you were 2 inches taller. – Erwin
 
19.) Don’t panic, I intend to travel to the nearest town to refill the vat of cleaning solution as soon as I find out where Erwin hid my horse. In the meantime, don’t look in your sock drawer. - Hange
 
20.) “Fix your shit and this can be you someday.” Found that written under your picture in this support group for juvenile delinquents and former thugs. Congratulations Sir, you are truly an inspiration for today’s youth. - Erd
 
21.) Don’t take this the wrong way, but you really smell terrific, and I was wondering who supplies your body wash because a scent as amazing as that simply cannot come from plain soap. - Mike
 
22.) Levi, I feel I must remind you that attempting to find out if Titans can feel enough terror to shit themselves is not an acceptable research objective. Alejandro's regeneration rate has been spotty since you spent 5 minutes with him this afternoon. – Hange
 
23.) Captain, I just read this interesting article in this women's publication from the capital and it contained some amazing trivia... incidentally, what’s your shoe size? - Petra
 
24.) Levi, if Hange asks how big your feet are, DO NOT ANSWER. If you do, know that I used up the last spool of thread. - Mike
 
25.) No Levi, I don’t care what medical breakthroughs Hange told you about, you are not allowed to make a profit out of the organs of people on your black list just to purchase more detergent. – Erwin
 
26.) Though if they’re from those jackasses in the MP and the church, I might be persuaded to turn a blind eye. – Commander Erwin Smith
 
27.) That last note was not from me. Kindly tell Hange I’m on to her, and that I’ll be confiscating more than her horse next time. – Erwin
 
28.) Captain, I am unable to report for duty today because I’ve been afflicted with an unusual condition where I cannot put down my arms for an indeterminate period of time. - Auruo
 
29.) Captain, what Auruo means to say is, his pits feel like they’re on fire. I told him he should stop pissing Petra off. - Erd
 
30.) Hi Sir, I am very sorry for coating Auruo’s deodorant with Titan saliva yesterday. And I am very sorry that I did it again this morning. - Petra
 
31.) Levi, is it true that the Trost brothel gave you a season pass? Is it transferable? – Mike
 
32.) If it’s not, do you think I can convince them that you hit a growth spurt, took GMRC classes in the academy, and bleached your hair? - Mike
 
33.) Levi, Dot Pixis will be visiting us today, at 1600h. I’m letting you know as early as now, so you have enough time to stifle any urges to polish his head - Erwin
 
34.) Additionally, please don’t let him lay eyes on Hange’s recent acquisition; the last thing we want to do is encourage his pretty titan fetish, and I really don’t want to hear another lecture from the Generalissimo about enabling him. - Erwin
 
35.) Sir, I want you to know that I have nothing to do with why Auruo is transporting a pregnant mountain goat in his 3DM gear. On a completely unrelated note, do you happen to have any lice medication? - Gunter
 
36.) Sorry I used your cape to clean my instruments, but I needed a sterile cloth, and someone drank all the ethyl alcohol. Yes, all 20 liters of it. - Hange
 
37.) Look, it’s not like I bought it on purpose, they only had the pink, frilly “Kiss the Cook” aprons in stock, okay. - Mike

38.) Don’t worry. I’ll offset this slight to your image by spreading vicious rumours of your battle prowess being a direct result of your weekly ritual of gargling broken glass, bathing in the blood of temple virgins, and drinking the tears of spoiled bureaucrat kids who’ve been told that sugar has been outlawed. - Hange
 
39.) Besides, I checked with Commander Erwin and he agreed that you’d look fetching in it. - Hange

40.) No, Levi, raining death from above is not an acceptable response to all of life's indignities.  - Erwin

41.) Neither is unwarranted relocation of my risque tabloid stash into the "fuel bin." Do you have any idea how many Military Police staff I blackmailed to collect those? - Mike

42.) Sir, I just want you to know that I firmly believe that real men wear pink. And so do the rest of the squad.-  Petra

43.) Also, Auruo's nose is bleeding because he can't handle how hot and manly you look, and not because I accidentally elbowed it when he started laughing. - Petra

44.) Sent a sketch of you to that town that has your statue. Captain Levi: Sexy Pint-Sized God of War and Domesticity. Housebands will totally be the next big thing. - Hange

45.) I know you used to be a card shark  during your shady, rebellious punk days, but no, you cannot use Hange’s specimens for collateral. And no, you can’t use my gala uniform either. – Erwin
 
46.) I found out who took my ethyl alcohol. Apparently, my boys wanted to find out if Titans can get drunk and poured my stash down Fernando's mouth using an extra large funnel. - Hange
 
47.) The results are quite radical. Also, I hope you’re not very attached to that latest batch of laundry.  Or the goat. -Hange
 
48.) Yes, it is perfectly clear to me that it was your last bottle of hand sanitizer, but you still can’t order Auruo to fish it from the bottom of the lake.  – Erwin
 
49.) Sir, I think you should be notified that Squad leader Hange used  Roberto's stomach fluids to 'sterilize' your washrags. – Erd
 
50.) If you find out who is responsible for spreading the rumour that a Titan’s other weak spot is its rectum, you have my permission to break both his legs. – Erwin
 
51.) Sir, I don’t know how he did it but Auruo just filled the basement with soap suds from floor to ceiling while attempting to wash his pants. On the bright side, we now have a very clean basement. – Gunter
 
52.) Levi, we are allowed to stab, brand, butcher and generally desecrate a titan's body, but to make them cry? You are an insensitive tool and I am not talking to you anymore. - Hange
 
53.) Oh it’s a relief huh? We’ll see about that when I tell Commander Erwin about your heinous crimes against science and he enrolls you in titan sensitivity classes. - Hange
 
54.) Yes, I designed the course, and your point is? – Hange
 
55.) Hange just gave me a three-page analysis detailing the direct proportion of your titan kills to the number of paper notes you receive on any given day.  I cannot promise that I won’t abuse it. - Erwin

--fin--

Chapter Text

1.) So there's this girl right? She's the pinnacle of human perfection- silky black hair, abs you could eat peas on, smooth alabaster skin, and beautiful heart shaped face. She's intelligent, kind, one of the best soldiers of our batch, and has a peerless sense of kindredship. She can do no wrong. But she's incredibly fixated on this other guy, my eternal rival.  How can I make her notice me? How can I tell her that her very presence makes me burn like the hottest of fires? 

MZ: My friend, I know exactly how you feel. And this is going to sound cliché and stuff, but really, just grab the bull by the horns and tell her. But be creative about it, you're a soldier-  do it with style. I once slew these 3 titans and arranged them into the letters ILU before they evaporated into dust. It was super effective. 

 

Additionally, whatever her answer is. Respect it. And respect her no matter what. And if she says yes, always pack some GoGo juice with you for a HUGE boost in respect. 

Alternatively, if it doesn't work out, send me her number and I'll see what I can do about it. 

 

ZH: Look, I'm not really sure what to say, but I can supply the juice that MZ mentioned. It's high-quality stuff, and well, vouched for repeatedly and with great passion by several high-ranking officers in the military police. Let me know and I'll slip you half a liter. Just don't let Commander Erwin know, it's not exactly legit.

 

CL: Note that "quality stuff" and "vouched for by the military police" are not mutually exclusive. 

Also, if by "burn like the hottest of fires," you mean "experience excruciating agony in the act of taking a piss," I am afraid I cannot help you, because I'm a soldier, not a fucking doctor. The Sina Sexual Health Clinic is located just beside the brothel; ask MZ  for directions. Go have that nasty shit looked at by a professional.

2.) Do you have any advice on how to keep someone warm for cold nights like what we're experiencing lately? I noticed my girlfriend shivering a lot more whenever we're together, and there's a shortage of blankets. We've taken to sleeping in the same bed in the barracks for warmth. But I'm afraid my efforts at sharing body heat are not enough. 

MZ: I'm sorry, how is this a problem? If you send your lady shivering, then you're obviously delivering.

 

CL:  Build a fucking fire. Then do 50 sets of jumping jacks. 

 

ZH: Get drunk on Vine, and snuggle. 

 

MZ: Wait, I just noticed something. You're a girl? Okay, I take my previous answer back. Listen, I cannot really tell what you're doing wrong, but if you really want my expert opinion on the subject, I am willing to take some time off to make personal observations, for a better uh, analysis of the situation. Free of charge.  

 

3.) I have a rather unusual problem. It is unseemly for a person of my stature to have this unhealthy fondness for Titans. I've had several dreams of getting devoured seductively by a beautiful blonde 20 m class with baby blue eyes and a heart shaped mouth.

Somehow, I cannot help thinking that it has become my way of coming to terms with this very possible death- so that I can delude myself into thinking my death will be of pleasure and not only pain. Does this make me a freak?

ZH: Oh precious person, do not feel bad about yourself. You are not a freak. You have the right to love whoever you want. Do not take heed of the bigoted views of the human collective. Titans may be our enemies, but there's no law stating we couldn't find them beautiful. Wear it loud, wear it proud. Also, hit me up after dinner, I have some forensic sketches of extremely good-looking titans you might be interested in.

 

MZ: I'm sitting this one out, because it's totally gross dude; have you seen what goes on in a Titan's mouth when a human bumbles his way into it? Send another note if you're looking for regular-sized blondes, and I'll introduce you to a few. 

And yes, you good sir, are definitely a freak.

 

CL: I am frankly disturbed by the fact that there's more than two of Hanji and Dott Pixis' species. That's a 50% increase, statistically. Also, that justification of being attracted to the idea of getting devoured to make the experience pleasurable could technically work- if you get to choose the titan whose jaws will be crushing your fleshy belly. Unfortunately, most of the titans look and smell like ass, so good luck with that. 

If you ARE Dott Pixis however... well, I'm not changing a damn thing in my reply because it's true. Except for the 50% growth part. At least there's still only two of you. 

4.) So in today's training, the girl of my dreams accidentally elbowed me in the solar plexus while trying to do the Heimlich manuever on my one and only rival. This actually happens fairly often, and unintentionally. Always, she apologizes and blesses me with her worried, guilty smile.

But after that last incident, she's taken to avoiding me, telling me it's best if we're not in the same vicinity because of the unusual number of times I've been bulldozed in her haste. I just want to be close to her. What can I do?

MZ: Are you dense or something? Do you not know the power of the guilt card? This is your chance to assert your needs!

Protip: next time she looks at your direction with guilty eyes, slowly raise your shirt- displaying your own rock hard abs (which you should have because I'm certain it's one of the physical requirements for graduation, if you went through the Keith Shadis training regimen), so she can clearly see the bruise on your solar plexus. Pretend to prod it painfully while loudly telling your buddies that science has proven that another person's touch is crucial to the healing process. Then look soulfully in her direction. BAM! Instant hook.

If that doesn't work, let me know and I'll be a supportive bro and pretend to accidentally throw hot soup on you for a more pitiful effect, so she'll feel like it's her chance to help YOU out for a change. 

 

ZH: Apply for a frequent visitor card in the local clinic.

 

CL: Look like you thoroughly enjoy getting punched in the abdomen, so she'll stop feeling guilty.

5.) I am madly in love with Captain Levi. He's the only person I know who can make CUTE and SEXY work in the same train of thought, and his prowess in battle is only matched by his prowess in housekeeping. He would make a most wonderful wife. Tell me, what can I do to make him take me as his husband so we can have badass babies together? 

CL: You would make for a wonderful depository for my blades when I find out who you are.

ZH: This is quite biologically impossible at the moment- we haven't even solved the issue of titan reproduction methods, so having two males produce an offspring is a bit of a tall order. But I'll certainly look into it- imagine how wonderful it would be, once we finally have the rest of the world to ourselves and we can repopulate without gender restrictions!

MZ: Okay, listen up. Getting Levi to be your mate is quite tricky, for he is a feisty, ornery creature who looks like a kitten but bites like a tiger. 

First, you gotta attract him by releasing pleasantly-scented pheromones. I highly suggest taking a long bath, then rolling around naked on a fresh batch of laundry for at least half an hour, before dressing up in your best, crisply ironed uniform. And always have a bottle of lavender-scented hand sanitizer, which you should occasionally flash in his direction-- believe me, it's an instant turn on. 

Next, you need to show him your worth as a warrior. No need to beat your mighty chest and howl your fearless battle cries before slicing off the nape of a vicious titan. All you need to do is perform an intrepid blitzkrieg against the most dastardly of his foes: dirt, dust and clutter. Trust me, donning an apron, and wielding a mop and feather duster will make you look three times sexier than 3DMG and standard-issue blades--  he sees the latter get-up like, 100 times a day, so it's really nothing special. 

Finally, seduce him to your lair with your hot mattress moves and sheet tucking techniques. Take one sheet, bend over your bed, and spread that blanket of pure, crease-less white, caressing it lovingly and evenly across the mattress.

Then TUCK it. TUCK it on all 4 corners of the bed. TUCK it with passion. TUCK it good. And baby, he'll be all over you like the colossal titan was all over Wall Maria. 

Alternatively, be Erwin Smith or Eren Jaeger. 

-fin-

Chapter Text

1.) Don't look at me like that, the both of you deserve it. You, Mike for bringing those hookers in the male barracks and you, Levi, for trying to set your whole room on fire while they’re still in there.– Erwin

Events that led to abovementioned incident:

2.) But a full day of assisting Hange in her Titan Experiments? That’s like the capital punishment of Scouting Legion laws! – Mike

3.) It gets worse. Look at the label on that giant syringe. - Levi

4.) “The Testosterone Boost Serum of Indisputable Gender Definition .” Really? That’s what it does? - Mike

5.) No Mike, it’s actually a serum that makes Titan Eren as shy as a virgin, and I just named it that to be ironic. - Hange

6.) Enough of this bullshit, let's just get this over with and fulfil your wild fantasies of seeing gender-defined titans. I have shit to do. -Levi

7.) Har Har, just for that Levi, you get to inject this into Eren’s pelvis.  - Hange

8.) Commander Erwin, I realize my mistake. Prison, I mean, Hange time has made me see the error of my ways. Please, can I just go do latrine duty now? - Mike

9.) We’ve only been here for 15 minutes.  - Erwin

10.) It made me see the error of my ways very quickly. - Mike

11.) I declare this verdict as most unjust and inhumane, and I’d like to request a week of barracks cleaning duty in lieu of this cruel and unusual punishment.  - Levi

12.) It’s not punishment if you enjoy what you’re doing. - Erwin

13.) Also, in what manner is the quest for science inhumane? - Hange

14.) I just watched you saw off Eren’s right hand with a dreamy look on your face. - Levi

15.) He’s drunk on extra strong Vine, one with anaesthetic properties.  Also, that’s not my main experiment for today, as you shall see in a few minutes. - Hange

16.) And this is my cue to leave. I have a 10 o’clock with Dott Pixis so I shall leave you two gentlemen to Hange’s care. Good luck boys, and may Sina have mercy on your souls. – Erwin.

17.) Why is the kid's lip bleeding? Don’t tell me he purposely bit it to…  Fuck. Hange you dolt, this is an enclosed space! - Mike

18.) Behold the power of science non-believers. Watch as my special titan serum allows Eren Jaeger to develop a remarkable gender in Titan form. – Hange

19.) My eyes. My fucking eyes. Why. Why on god’s green earth would you give a 15 meter Titan another appendage? - Mike

20.) Normally, agreeing with Mike would fill me with much shame, but I second this. Vehemently. - Levi

21.) You both have the scientific acuity of a bent teaspoon. Do you not see that I may have possibly unlocked the secrets to Titan reproduction? - Hange

22.) No, what I see is a limp 2-meter dong. - Mike

23.) Oh in that case, you haven’t seen anything yet. - Hange

24.) What are you doing with that electric cattle prod? – Levi

25.) Voila, now you’re seeing an erect 3-meter dong. Which just cracked the ceiling, but see, my calculations were accurate. – Hange

26.) No witty rebuttals? No loud exclamations asserting your proportionate masculinity? What’s the matter boys? Did the sight shock your Y-chromosome out of your throats? - Hange

27.) All I have to say is this: Unless you’re planning to sew him giant titan briefs, or build him a cozy jock cup, a free-balling Titan is a supremely bad idea, as it poses additional hazards in ways my sensitive and impressionable brain refuses to visualize. – Mike

28.) Agreed, getting smashed against the wall due to unintentional swatting from a titan penis is a pretty fucking embarrassing way to die. - Levi

29.) …  See, this is exactly what I meant about hazards my brain refuses to visualize. Thank you, thank you so much Levi. Also, fuck you. -Mike

30.) You’re welcome. I’ll give you a moment of silence to mourn your libido, which, judging from the green tinge on your face, has just crawled under a rock and died. - Levi

31.) Impossible. My libido is like a titan, it regenerates. You just hindered it temporarily and sent it crying in a corner. - Mike

32.) That’s great you guys, really, but just once, can we be professional about this and stop with the lewd jokes; we’ve got a minor in the room here.- Hange

33.) Not down there he isn’t. - Mike

34.) It’s literally the size of another titan.- Levi

35.) Isn’t it? Levi can climb it like a tree. Plant a victory flag at the top. - Mike

36.) I climbed an erect Titan dick and all I got is the lousy satisfaction of clobbering Mike Zakarius to the ground for that scarring mental image. - Levi

37.) Just payback for that mental image of death by bludgeoning from titan peen, oh diminutive comrade-in-arms. - Mike

38.) Children, behave. I, for one, see it as a thing of beauty. - Hange

39.) You would.  I’m just glad Dott Pixis isn’t here right now or I would have long been tempted to use one of your acids to soak my brain in. -Mike

40.) Oh please. Just look at it. It’s breath-taking. Like an important landmark. A monument. - Hange

41.) Hange, you are extraordinarily embarrassing. Stop referring to Eren’s penis like it’s a fucking tourist attraction. - Levi

42.)

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm doing great here outside the wall. It's dangerous and all, but I've seen a lot of pretty amazing things. Enclosed is a picture of me and Lance Corporal Levi posing beside a 3-meter penis.

Love,

Mike

43.) Fuck you Mike, you’re not helping. Hange, enough. If your goal is to cause us to develop a strong desire to stab out our eyes with one of Eren's knocked out titan teeth, you have succeeded. - Levi

44.) Yes please, can we inject the “Dude, where’s my dick?” counter-serum now? - Mike

45.) Contrary to your insidious beliefs, I am not doing this for the sole purpose of tormenting you. This is for science. SCIENCE. It’s you BOYS who are making juvenile jokes about the matter. -  Hange

46.) You cannot expect to do an experiment on a 3-meter dong and not make jokes about it; that’s like a total defiance of conventional social norms. – Mike

47.) Also, fuck this shit. I’m leaving. – Levi

48.) Fine, have it your way. Let it be known that Lance Corporal Rivaille is the squad leader who ran away in fear of Eren Jaeger’s monster cock. Also, I'm writing this down as part of my report findings. – Hange

49.) I hate you. When I quit the Scouting Legion to go back to my old days in the criminal underworld, this is why.- Levi

50.) Oh look, I just made Eren regenerate a finger on his right hand. Guess which one. - Hange

-fin-

Chapter Text

1.) We're leaving for Shingensina in 5 minutes. Most of the crew will hitch on Erwin's junk coz it's wider and longer, but since I'm personally babysitting your dangerous titan ass, you're riding on mine. I'll have you know that despite infrequent use, my junk is always thoroughly maintained and cleaned, so don't you dare make a fucking mess. I've got several other people lining up for the ride, so get up your ass and hop on, before it gets fully loaded.

2.) Stop being so excited Jaeger, you’re rocking my junk. If you don’t stop bouncing around, I’m going to push you over the edge.

3.) Next task. I'm feeling like having meat tonight, so go to Mike Zakarius for instructions and deliver it to my quarters in 2 hours.

4.) Meet me in the woods in 15 minutes. Don't bring your 3DMG, we're going to be doing stamina exercises.

5.) Inspection time. Take off your fucking shirt and lets see how much damage I did to you in this morning's training.

6.) Do I have to literally pound some sense into you? Do it right this time.

7.) So stubborn, Jaeger. Do you honestly like my style of discipline so much?

8.) Pay attention Jaeger, because I'm only going to show you once. Take your eyes off me for just one second and I'll have you on your back faster than you can say "Kill them all."

9.) What, you thought this would be a fucking walk in the park? I told you, it isn't over EASY.

10.) Don't look down on me. I've made bigger men fall to their knees.

11.) For god's sake, stop being such a whiner Jaeger, you don't want to alienate the squad with your god-awful moaning. Get up, man up, and fucking take it.

12.) Shut your goddamn trap and start moving brat, I don't have all day.

13.) You expect to clean the floor with that kind of effort? That won't do. On your hands and knees Jaeger, you know the drill.

14.) You got my package? Excellent. Listen Jaeger, I don't just let anyone handle my package so don't break it or I'll have your ass.

15.) This isn't poker Jaeger. Like I said before, length before strength. You didn't see that coming did you?

16.) Next lesson: manuevering through tight spaces. See this hole over here? It's a bit of a squeeze, but just use the technique I showed you, and you should be able to slip in without much trouble.

17.) Up already? Good. It's about goddamn time you got rid of that softness and rose to the occasion.

18.) Keep going. Steady, steady, don't lose your cool. The last stage is the most critical. Don't you dare fucking choke.

19.) Final physical test Jaeger. Hanji and Erwin already gave me the go signal, and we're going all the way. I hope you're ready.

20.) Say Eren, do you hate me? No? Good.

-fin-

Chapter Text

1.) I like you. Do you like me? Please encircle your answer:

     Yes  Maybe  No 

2.) I was reading some oriental history the other night and I just have a question: Would you like to be the yin to my yang?

3.) Roses Are Red. Violets are Blue. Eren’s your “brother.” So he shouldn’t do you.

4.) I wish there were two of me, so I could be a pair of jeans, and you can wear me out.

5.) I don’t care if Ymir calls herself an expert on the subject but that fight with Eren in the mess hall was powered by mutual antagonism and not homoerotic conflict.

6.) Mikasa Ackerman. Mikasa Kirschtein. Mrs. Kirschtein. Mrs. Jean Kirschtein. Jean Ackerman.

7.) You have abs that make me want to surrender my man-card.

8.) You can sheathe both your blades, because you’ve already slayed me.

9.) I’ve wiped my faith away on Connie’s back, but you can restore it by lying on yours.

10.) Forget Keith Shadis, you can make me stand at attention any time. 

11.) So I wrote very realistic song for our love story. So realistic, it even has Eren in it, because I know you'd be mad at me if I ignore him. Marco composed a catchy tune for me too. So here goes:

Chapter Text

1.) Erwin says you're not allowed to kick and punch Eren for yucks anymore; people are mistaking his groaning and your grunting for something else entirely. 

2.) I'm sorry Levi, but we've ran out of disinfectant; you'll have to make do with the stomach fluids we can drain out of Eren's titan form.

3.) Good news: With Eren's Titan Power, we totally managed to uproot the necessary trees to provide us enough wood for renovation. Bad news: he accidentally uprooted the septic tank with them. Erwin's having him punch a hole in the ground 20 km away to dump it in. In the meantime, I strongly suggest you stay away from your room for the next uh... 3 days?

4.) So remember that time Mike spiked both our drinks and shoved us into the cleaning supplies closet so he can have your shared room to himself and his Trost harem? No? Well, I've been craving pickles with chocolate pudding lately, do you think I've gained weight?

5.) Haha, of course I was totally fucking with you.

6.) No, I meant fucking as "joking," jeez, what crawled up your ass and died?

7.) Our hypothetical kid would be a total badass though. Just don't let him or her inherit my eyesight or your height and we're good.

8.) Yes Levi, I meant hypothetical as hypothetical.

9.) Behold our haphazardly crafted, yet lovingly decorated passenger basket for comfortable travel on Eren's Titan form. Ignore the frills, we had to make do with the female soldiers' stash of ugly sweaters because no one wanted to sacrifice their linens. Anyway, someone let loose the horses this morning, and Eren wanted to help locate them. And since you're the only one qualified to watch over him...

10.) You know how Titans can harden certain parts of their body, and not have it evaporate? Well, Mike and I were thinking-- you know how I formulated that titan serum of indisputable gender definition? If we could somehow make Eren focus on crystallizing his er, indisputable gender, we could technically make building blocks out of it! Just imagine: 4 meter long diamond-strength material-- hey, Levi? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BLOWTORCH? 

11.) Well obviously, because that's the body part with the most uniform shape, and presumably, the easiest to you know, harden. I mean, with things being what they are, it's a pretty useless organ for titans, like an appendix. Or tonsils. More to the point, he's not supposed to have one anyway. 

12.) Don't you see, we have literally created SOMETHING out of what used to be NOTHING. Do you have any idea how groundbreaking that is?

13.) Oh my god, would you listen to reason for a second. This could be revolutionary! I mean, there are those rumors that the walls are made of rock hard Titans anyway. Besides, Eren can just keep growing it back-- wait no, not my TITAN SKETCH collection!

14.) Okay okay, we've burnt the proposal papers. Happy? You have no idea how disappointed Mike is about the loss of Project: Save Your Bricks, Use Titan Dicks. 

15.) He was going to compose a cool jingle about it too, with Nanaba's singing and Gerger's mad ukelele skills. 

16.) What do you mean what's my problem, you're the one who just put a stop to an industrial revolution. 

17.) It could have been a source of funding. The Scouting Legion could practically be self-sustaining. And if Erwin doesn't agree, well, there's always your colleagues from your shady thug days. 

18.) In fact that could work out better- no need for business tax! And it's not like we're bartering an illegal substance. The government can keep their titan secrets; we'll have our own. It's like a succulent cherry on top of this sundae of military autonomy. 

19.) Ohoho, do I see a spark of interest there? Can you smell the possibilities? Think, Levi. Unlimited supply of cleaning solution. Real food instead of crappy rations. 300 thread count QUILTS.  

20.) Mike spoke to Eren this morning, and I think we broke him. Also, Mikasa's out for blood. But we don't have to worry because you're more than capable of taking responsibility for him right? Right?

-fin-

Chapter Text

1.) Can someone explain to me why there's a fake horn superglued to my horse's forehead? - Levi

2.) Symbolic purposes of course; it's your first scouting mission, and we're about to break your titan slaying virginity! - Hanji

3.) I still don't see what this has to do with my horse being made to look like a mythical beast from children's fairy tales. It's not even white. - Levi

4.) Duh, only virgins can ride unicorns. - Hanji

5.) ... Wow, that line of reasoning is so mind-numbingly stupid, I feel dumber just reading it. - Levi

6.) Holy shit Levi, you're a virgin? - Mike

7.) No Mike, we're talking about his horse.- Hanji

8.) Levi's horse is a virgin? - Mike

9.) Is there anything I can say to make this out-of-context conversation end faster? - Levi

10.) Didn't you ever get the unicorn horse on your first scouting mission Mike? - Hanji

11.) Well, I wasn't a virgin, so probably not. - Mike

12.) This has got to be the most ridiculous deterioration of a conversation topic I've ever experienced in my life, and I used to do intel gathering in bars. - Levi

13.) I'm pretty sure Commander Erwin didn't get the unicorn horse too - I mean have you seen his horse- it looks like it would eat virgins. - Mike

14.) Like rider, like horse. - Hanji

15.) Well, my stallion is the best stud horse of the troop. - Mike

16.) You are both disgusting piles of human offal, and I must have been suffering some delirium-inducing malaise when I agreed to work with you. - Levi

17.) Hey Commander, did you know that Levi and his horse are virgins? - Mike

18.) Mike, don't start. Hanji, stop wasting paper. Levi, they've spotted a 10M class 15 km west of us; kindly wipe its existence off the face of the earth.- Erwin

--

19.) Congratulations on being the first ever soldier in the history of the scouting legion to kill a Titan from inside its mouth. - Mike 

20.) I would've killed it the traditional way if a certain suicidal four-eyes didn't chemically lock its jaw open before trying to swing into its maw. - Levi

21.) Excuse you, I had it covered-- you're the one who decided to push me off-course and sacrifice yourself in my stead. But thank you for your noble intentions; you are sweet. Now take off that uniform and give it to me. Now. - Hanji

22.) ...Are you propositioning me? Because the answer is fuck no. - Levi

23.) I meant your clothes, cassanova, there might still be traces of titan saliva in them.- Hanji

24.) Oh man, life choices. I don't know whether to say "Nice save" or "Oh snap." - Mike.

25.) How about you shut the fuck up. - Levi 

26.) 'Oh snap' it is then. I would make more insidious commentary about how a girl wants drool more than you, but this is Hanji and I sometimes have to remind myself that she has breasts so I'll let it slide. - Mike

27.) Your charity warms my heart. - Levi

28.) In that case, my contacts in the Trost brothel can help you warm something else, if you know what I mean, virgin man. - Mike

29.) I think this is an appropriate time to mention that I killed twice the number of titans you did today. - Levi

30.) At least I wasn't the one riding a fake unicorn. - Mike

--

BONUS:

1.) 6 solo kills today Commander, plus 3 in a team. On his first mission. I believe that this is enough evidence to support my "irritation is Levi's third blade" hypothesis. - Hanji

2.) Fine Hanji, you are hereby allowed to deliberately incite Levi to murderous heights, in missions where it would be most profitable. - Erwin

-fin-

Chapter Text

1A.) What Levi said: "You've got what it takes to stand equal to me.”

1B.) Jean's interpretation: "You’re my soul mate."

2A.) What Levi said: “The king just called us the world’s finest soldiers. Let’s not disappoint him.”

2B.) Jean's interpretation: “I think the king’s expecting us to produce superior progeny and raise the bar for the human race. Let’s not disappoint him.”

3A.) What Levi said: “Today’s agenda? Kill titans and clean the HQ.”

3B.) Jean's interpretation: "I am a titan-slaying, dirt-annihilating sex tornado, fall under my spell."

4A.) What Levi said: “You really care a fucking lot about that Titan brat huh?”

4B.) Jean's interpretation: “I’m jealous.”

5A.) What Levi said: "That overeager idiot Jaeger went ahead. Let’s move."

5B.) Jean's Interpretation: "Eren’s going to be busy for 30 minutes. Let’s bang."

6A.) What Levi said: "You’re scheduled for ground combat testing with me today, but it conflicts with my assignment to dispose of stray titans in a 10 KM radius. So I’m gonna kill two birds with one stone and take you with me. Let’s see what you’ve got."

6B.) Jean's interpretation: “Today’s schedule is sex and violence and you’re my appointment for both."

7A.) What Levi Said: "Twice as many kill counts as any of the boys in your batch. Well, the non-titans anyway. Not bad."

7B.) Jean's interpretation: "You have bigger balls than any of the boys in your batch, and if even if I were gay I’d still totally do you."

8A.) What Levi said: "Just received the medical stats from Hanji. You’ve got more meat on you than Jaeger. Interesting. "

8B.) Jean's interpretation: "I just discovered that you have ideal birthing hips. I'm getting ideas."

9A.) What Levi said: "Did I fucking stutter? Yes, I'm not going to hesitate to kill Jaeger if he goes berserk or turns on us. That's part of my job, and I'm the only one who can do it. Now drop the subject, we need to debrief." 

9B.) Jean's interpretation: "I hope this dispels the rumours that I'm titan-sexual. Now let's get back to the subject of procreation..."

10A.) What Levi said: "I've already schooled you on the physics of momentum and centripetal force for that technique Ackerman. Do it again, and do it right this time."

10B.) Jean's interpretation: "Trust me, when you perfect that technique, this procreation movement is going to feel like the big bang."

-fin-

Chapter Text

1.) White pants:

Levi: Whoever thought that white pants is a good idea for a uniform to be worn when slicing giant bags of meat was an utter moron.

Hanji: Agreed. This was obviously designed by a man, who did not consider the fact that the proportion of men to women soldiers are almost equal, and therefore failed to factor in the very relevant matter of roughly half of the soldier work force routinely spending  4-7 days each month bleeding out of their vaginas. And it’s not like there are lots of opportunities for us to be changing our tampons in the middle of a titan slaying mission, so sometimes, it’s a choice between getting eaten or getting a humongous red stain of shame on our posteriors. Bet he never considered that. Inconsiderate bastard.

Levi: …

Mike: So wow, are these khaki jackets totally fetching or what?

2.) Straps and Harness:

Mike: Popular theory suggests that this was based on page 27 of the inventor’s BDSM catalogue. It was said that these chest straps used to go right over the nipples, while the ones on the lower torso give the buttocks an instant lift. It wasn’t until lots of soldiers discreetly complained about getting accidental boners while slaying titans that they decided to tweak it a bit to avoid unintentional stimulation.

Hanji: Thank you for the history lesson but it doesn’t change the fact that these straps are. So. Fussy.

Levi: Look princess, unless you have an asshole of diamond, you need these straps to divert the weight of the 3DMG from your thighs. So shut up and deal.

Hanji: I know that. I’m just saying that while the science is sound, the execution is, for lack of a better word, a bitch to put up with.

Mike: Who cares, it's hot.

Hanji: Scientific pursuits are wasted on you.

Mike: That's very hurtful. I do recognize the scientific relevance of this: obviously, the 3DMG harness is the genetically superior progeny of a bondage body suit and military rappelling gear after a night of drunken unprotected sex.

Hanji: ...You are not allowed to use the word science in a conversation again. Ever.

3.) Mini-skirt / Crotch cloth / Loin cloth / loin skirt

Levi: I have always wondered what the fuck this is supposed to be. Why is a mini-skirt also a part of the men’s uniform?

Mike: Oh tell me about it. I’m practically two meters tall; imagine how I feel whenever I step into it.

Levi: It serves no practical purpose whatsoever.

Mike: I always need to kill at least two titans within the next thirty minutes of wearing it so I can feel manly again.

Hanji: You two simpletons have obviously never seen a miniskirt before. Clearly, this item is a variation of a far more historical article of clothing, one that predates industrialized times. Namely, the loin cloth.

Mike: Negative, a loin cloth serves to cover one’s crotch. And I think I speak for most men out here, that not only does this loin skirt fail to cover our crotch, it also seems to highlight it.

Hanji: This makes me wonder how much time you’ve spent studying your nether regions.

Mike: Don’t be a lummox Hanji, some things are just obvious. Like here, this is the common position when reeling in. Then look at the placement of the straps and how they provide unwarranted emphasis. See? From this angle my Michelob phalanx is practically saluting.

Hanji: Michelob Phalanx. You named your -  okay, you know what, you are right, the loin cloth could definitely use a little more cloth and a lot less loin.

Levi: Now reign in your pelvic infantry formation before I give it a reason to retreat voluntarily.

Mike: So touchy Levi. Obviously, you've never had this problem, since Erwin sourced your pants from the women's section, therefore giving you pants sizes with much more roomy hips.

Levi: I assure you, my inability to emphasize the shape of my crotch stings my manhood indescribably but I’ll bear with it somehow.

Mike: What I don’t get is why the back part provides full coverage, and the other side provides a front row view to tent and camel toe city.

Hanji: Well, it’s useful for us women. As I mentioned earlier, sometimes we get accidents on our special red warrior days, and with the seat of our pants being a ludicrous, unreasonable white, it is no doubt a supremely embarrassing occurrence, so the loin-skirt could be employed to hide the nasty spots. Alternatively, we can just roll around in Titan gore to make any such mishaps indistinguishable, but exposing ourselves to even more filth isn’t exactly high on our list of acceptable solutions. I’m sure Levi will agree with me on this.

Levi: If I say yes, will you stop talking about your revolting experiences with menstrual fluids?

Hanji: I’m sorry, I cannot hear you over the sound of all those men out there complaining about nut sweat.

Mike: Hey I totally respect period woes, but don’t knock the jock sweat. It’s a perfectly valid concern, considering how tight these pants are. And the chafing. Oh god, the chafing.

Hanji: Oh don’t talk to me about chafing Mike; you have not experienced chafing unless you’ve been stuck wearing itchy napkins with wings the entire day, having to contend with squelching in your own bodily fluids while simultaneously getting smeared with some titan’s muck, after which you’ll be spending the next three hours with your swamp crotch being intimate with a horse’s saddle on the way back home.

Levi: I have nothing else to contribute except that the sheer amount of disgust elicited by this conversation is rendering me sterile.

4.) Knee-High Boots:

Hanji: Knee high boots! Ugh, so ridiculous. Couple this with the stupid white pants and that fussy bondage gear, and voila, you now have a triple crown of appalling sartorial decisions.

Levi: Speak for yourself four-eyes, these boots are the only things in this uniform that actually manages to combine style with practicality.

Mike: Yes, because what is bondage-esque strappy gear without the requisite knee-higher hooker boots to better stomp Titan’s with. Stylish, and practical, as Levi says.

Levi: Your approval makes me ashamed of myself.  

5.) Jacket Emblem:

Hanji: So while we have our wings of freedom, cadets in training have crossed swords, the Military Police have their unicorns, and the Stationary Troops have the thorns and roses.

Levi: The Military Police’s unicorn is fitting, in that their competence is directly proportional to the existence of their symbol.

Hanji: The Stationary troops symbolize hidden dangers lurking beneath a beautiful veneer. According to Dot Pixis.

Levi: Which begs the question what Dot Pixis finds beautiful but that’s a can of worms we don’t want to open.

Mike: So from overlaying phallic weapons, we could’ve also graduated into unicorns and flowers. There is no underlying subtext there. At all.

Levi: The Scouting Legion is the fucking best.  

- fin -

Chapter Text

1.) Yes I am aware that there is a celebration of sorts going on; I realized that the third time someone tried to vomit on my shoes. Said perpetrators are all now safely asleep in the stables. Possibly with mild concussions but nothing a few sutures and a shot of Hanji’s most potent Vine can’t fix. - Levi

2.) No, I’m not putting a stop to everything else. I’m a soldier, not a babysitter. Go talk to Hanji. - Levi

3.) Look, all you said was 1. Do not spike the punch   2. Do not let the kids drink Vine and 3) Do not pour your entire stash into the water supply. You never said anything about the cake. Besides, it was Mike’s idea. Go talk to him. - Hanji

4.) The cake was lacking a certain panache. And by panache I meant alcohol.  Or maybe surprise strippers.  - Mike

5.) Though I made an effort to get both; I just couldn’t afford Levi’s rates. –Mike 

6.) Yes, you were the one who told us about that one-time pole dancing gig. Recruitment purposes, right? Levi was pissed by the way, which really isn’t any news but just in case, don’t be surprised if all your clothes are turned inside out tomorrow. - Mike

7.) If it makes you feel any better, Levi wasn’t our first choice. It’s just that all the strippers Mike knows won’t do. Levi’s the only one who would fit in the cake. Theoretically. – Hanji

8.) Too bad it didn’t happen, but hey. MORE CAKE. - Mike

9.) Of course I remember the last time we had a party— the mental image of Mike trying to act out potential titan reproduction methods had been seared into my brain against my will. I could have used the same brainspace to actually remember useful things like where the fuck I left my wallet, or how to disengage Hanji from Titan-related conversations but that’s not the point. - Levi

10.) The point is I refuse to do damage control anymore. Maybe you should’ve thought of that before you went and told Mike about that shitty pole incident. It was ONE time, and you had a fucking gun to your head. - Levi  

11.) I swear I don’t know how this keeps happening—but several male recruits just lost their pants. But do not worry, they are all very resourceful. Those curtains are hideous and need to be replaced anyway. – Mike

12.) Hey sir, you just received a large birthday package from the Romance Novel Enthusiasts Club in the inner district. It contains some of the latest Miles and Boonie paperbacks, some chocolates, and for some reason, three sets of lacy underwear [*]. I haven’t seen some of these yet— may I borrow them when you’re done? – Petra

13.) The books I mean, not the lacy underwear. Wow, this is awkward. -  Petra
 
14.) Hi Sir, friendly advice: if you value your taste buds, do not have any of the deer stew contributed by Reiner Braun. - Gerger

15.) “Do you like spicy food haha,” more like “do you want to feel like your asshole got repeatedly probed by a djinn proctologist.” – Jean  

16.) OH MY GOD I’M SO SORRY SIR THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR REINER – Jean Kirstein

17.) But um, please don’t eat Reiner’s stew Sir. It’s unfit for human consumption. In fact, I’m pretty sure we could weaponize it somehow. – Jean Kirstein

18.) Bertholdt doesn’t count. Though I think I just cracked the secret of why he’s sweating all the time. – Jean Kirstein

19.) Why aren’t you coming down here? You just missed the food showdown of the century. Between Hanji’s Vine cake, and the stew that launched a thousand haemorrhoids, people are going to remember this night as the best absentee party in the annals of ever, and it’s not even 2100h. - Mike

20.) Sir, the kids wanted to give you a big greeting card for your birthday. We told them there’s a shortage of paper, but they… got creative. - Nanaba

21.) Remember that glow-in-the-dark paint Armin Arlelt and I concocted for use during night missions? Someone thought it was a good idea to give it to the new recruits for testing. - Hanji

22.) No, they didn’t vandalize your office ceiling. It’s actually on a much more significant scale. - Hanji

23.) They went to the hill. And drew on it. - Mike

24.) No I didn’t say anything about trees. I said HILL. – Mike

25.) Yes I meant the entire hillside. Yes, the one in front of your window. - Mike

26.) It… didn’t turn out so well. There wasn’t room for an art module in Eren’s Titan training regimen. But hey, it’s the thought that counts right?– Hanji

27.) For what it’s worth Sir, it was supposed to be a cannon shooting confetti. The cannon balls were just a last minute addition by this Springer kid. - Gunter

28.) Speaking of that kid sir, he and this Sasha chick haven’t stopped laughing for the past hour. It has become medically worrisome. – Erd

29.) Protip: if you don’t look directly at it, it won’t kill your brain. – Mike

30.) Erwin, there’s a glow-in-the-dark phallus painted on the hill in front of your window which appears to have ejaculated the words HAPPY BDAY COMMANDUR. I have nothing to do with it but vindication is sweet. – Levi

~fin~