Comment on Letters of a Coward - Akutagawa Ryuunosuke's To Do List

  1. APurpleZ on Chapter 4 Thu 19 Sep 2024 04:21PM UTC

    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK
    THIS BRIGHTENED MY DAY SM WHEN I READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!
    i was (still am) running on 5 hours of sleep and VERY cranky in the morning.. and i became super giggly after reading BAHAAH

    //True, genuine, full comment INCOMING!!!! (I even took a break from writing, because I simply could NOT wait ANY more!!!//
    GIGGLES....... I'M SO HONOURED!!!!!!!!

    //That summery ALONE made me start balling (Though I suppose, at very first blush, I could have interpreted this forgiveness...differently. I will explain later on, through this).//
    OH??
    teehee it was my goal to make ppl suffer BASDKLHASD

    //Oh my GOSH! THANK you for this reminder.... (can you HEAR the hurt and sarcasm in this thanks?!?! xDDDD) But my GOSH. The fact that you gave your audience this reminder was truly brilliant. And such an effective tool to set the tone for not only THIS chapter, but further chapters. It keeps us in the mindset of what this story is really all about. And that's just so heartbreakingly wonderful!//
    I CAN HEAR YOU THROUGH THE SCREEN.. BAHSDAHDASH
    I love writing timers in this fashion and I like overly detailing time for no reason (eg, organs chords and lightening having me calculate how much time would've gone past BASHDASDS)
    THANK YOU FOR COMMENTING ON THIS!!! YAY!!!

    i once wrote a short story called 'twenty one days' for a writing competition (that I ended up being one of the winners for hehe) where it was written in a similar fashion to this fic, but it was diary entries with the amount of days left and thoughts of the writer instead. the earth was to be destroyed in twenty one days and at the end, the one writing it, gave the last tickets to move to another planet to her younger sister.. and the end showed the younger sister scrambling looking for her big sister (BCS she did not know that she sacrificed herself) and found the diary...
    ANYWAYS WHAT I AM TRYING TO GET AT IS.. ever since them I've been OBSESSED with writing these kind of stories!!! i have SOOOO many 'diaries' from my ocs point of views.. i might just give in and make one for akutagawa and other characters BASHDASHA

    OKAY ON TO THE COMMENT BASDHASH

    //It didn't translate into the comment section, but I DO so love how you 'scratched out' the first of Akutagawa's salutations to the man 'Dear', in place of 'To'. It makes me smile to imagine how Ryuunosuke hastily scribbled 'Dear', without much thought, due to how close the two of them had become after 'that day'. But then...I see Ryuunosuke actually READING that word on the paper 'Dear', in regards to his pseudo mentor (and I feel SO much more), and then he quickly got an image of Chuuya's expression READING that salutation, and quickly scratched it out. xD It makes me sort of chuckle!//
    YES YES YES !!! THIS WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GONGI FOR BAHAHA!!! ryuu re read the letter and was like '...no...nevermind...'
    I imagine chuuya reading this would be like '...dude... i can still see the dear...'
    FUN FACT!! I plan for the only character to have the 'dear' stay to be GIN!!! because HIS LITTLE SISTER!! :(((

     

    // And I love how Ryuu offers his forgiveness FIRST, BEFORE clarifying exactly what he is forgiving the man FOR.//
    YES!! it's like.. he wants to get the main point out in case he loses courage or something in between, so its written ALREADY and he can't back out, if that makes sense!!! it might just be my scattered brain when writing this but I feel like ryuu would have SO many things to say that he just starts with the biggest one first

    // OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!! RYUUNOSUKE MAKING A JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xDDDD And then feeling the need to explain the joke!!!!!! I can HEAR the snort from Chuuya's nose when reading that (if he's not crying like I am). But this is just....SO in character for Ryuu. That sense of him WANTING to/and attempting to ease the sorrow and tension he is feeling in the moment of writing this letter by writing down a joke for Chuuya. THEN feeling the need to explain himself because he doesn't want to cause any undo pain to the man after his death, when Chuuya finally DOES get and read the letter.//
    HE MADE A JOOKE!! EVERYONE REJOICE!!!!
    omg... now I imagine chuuya sniffling and going '...argh, ya twerp, y'know i'd laugh at any joke you'd make...'
    also you're so RIGHT!! like... he doesn't WANT chuuya to feel upset (even if a part of him wants chuuya to be upset for his death, despite also thinking that he doesn't deserve to be missed), he likes it when chuuya is laughing and cracking jokes, so he's trying to be like him in a way!!

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    1. APurpleZ on Chapter 4 Thu 19 Sep 2024 04:21PM UTC

      // Oh my... The emotion and feeling within this. I mean... The way you have written this... Even now it feels like Ryuunosuke is viewing all of this (what he is writing down) through a logical position. But even WITH just 'stating things as they are'...there is still SO much emotion!!! And that's what I have ALWAYS loved about your protrayal of Akutagawa. Ryuu is a logical thinker, but (ESPECIALLY when it comes to Dazai), he has SO much raw emotion that he can't help to contain. They're just TOO big... And I think, in a way, they are a part of what made him sicker than he would have been normally, if that makes sense. But it sounds like, in this, he's able to take a step back and acknowledge the situation Chuuya must have been in at the time (and THAT is the logical side of him).//
      YES!! THIS!!! THIS IS WHAT I WAS GOING FOR!! i don't know why I just.. really view akutagawa as solving things with logic first and hence neglecting his emotions, but now both sides of his are BATTLING!! (to the death.. imsorry)
      he's able to recognise that in the grand scheme of thing, BOTH of them were children, (all three of them, actually) and yet feelings linger.. especially towards dazai
      I've always had the headcanon scenario where aku is trying to rationalise his feelings... he KNOWS dazai was a child but he was such a terrifying person nonetheless. nothing can excuse his actions, though, but aku still has conflicted feelings

      ANYWAYS

      //Ah, THIS!!!! I LOVE THIS!!! The way you wrote down Ryuu's feelings (I also want to say here, because I am not sure WHERE to point it out, that I adore the language you are using in this letter. It feels so...dignified. Regal. The words you choose to use are formal in their nature, but it doesn't feel overdone OR out of place. Ryuu has been shown to SPEAK like this, and I imagine his writing would reflect his words. AND I LOVE IT!!!!//
      YAYYYYY YOU COMMENTED ON THAT!!!!! I seriously cannot imagine ryuu writing any other way for some reason xD like I imagine him either writing in the most modern way ever (hence surprising many) or being REALLY formal!!! aka how I write!! like he talks SOOO posh in the show that it just makes SENSE!!! I LOVE YOU FOR SAYING IT DOESN'T FEEL OVERDONE!!!! ILY!!!! THANK YOU!! somehow I actually am able to write so much more formally in first person and it works so well for when writing aku LMAO

      //Anyway... I digress! xD I love the fact that you clarify Ryuu's hatred towards Chuuya. It is SO complex! He HATED Chuuya because he quickly began to see for himself that Chuuya was NOT the heartless person Ryuu had made up in his mind at the start. Ryuu hated that his perception of Chuuya was SO wrong. Maybe...he hated Chuuya because he WANTED Chuuya to be heartless, in order to give Ryuu cause to hate him. Aaand, I feel like I'm rambling! Just know I LOVED this part!//
      YASSSSS!!! EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY!!! a part of him WANTED chuuya to be as heartless as dazai was, that way he could hate EVERYONE (Except gin!!) and just focus on getting stronger.. ARGH!!

       

      //My GOSH! Okay... So... This... This creates SO many feelings inside of me! Like.... Think about it from the outside without any emotion or the fact that Dazai was just SO abusive to not only Ryuu, but Chuuya as well, back then. In this moment... The FIRST thought that came to my mind was 'Dazai just SAVED Chuuya...' Okay. He abused Ryuu right then, and also immediately afterwards with more 'training'. And taunted, as you say, Chuuya as well. In this past moment, he was CLEARY the man (or boy) with all of the power. But... The fact remains that he SAVED Chuuya. Because Ryuu admits himself that his aim-in that moment-had been to kill Chuuya. But then.... Who knows... Perhaps-in reality, with what Dazai saw and knew-he was instead saving Ryuu. Who knows. Perhaps Chuuya would have killed him instead, in self defense.
      It's all very emotionally volatile, and SO intriguing!//
      toxicness in skk is actually my life LMAAOOOOO
      in my mind.. dazai was both saving chuuya AND ryuu! i feel like his thought process would be 'dang if they kill each other then that'll be so annoying to clean up.. ugh...!!' BAHAHHA
      and then he taunted chuuya just for the heck of it!!! because he's... dun dun dun.. DAZAI!! BAHAHAHA!! he was probably like 'ew I can't seem like I was trying to help...!!'
      + he probably finds it amusing..

      //(P.S. I also liked the added little detail of Ryuu seeing Chuuya looking over his shoulder AFTER having been 'put in his place' by Dazai, knowing FULL WELL he could have beaten Dazai to a pulp and defended Ryuu, but didn't (because he couldn't without suffering consequences, himself). I can't imagine Chuuya's struggle. Knowing he has the physical power to do something about the situation, but also knowing his hands are tied).//
      YESSS!!!!! his internal conflict must be insane
      I imagine.. in some universes... chuuya said 'FRICK IT' and beat dazai up till bro died BASDHASDH

      //Ah, THIS!!! 'I refused to respond'. And now... Ryuu is writing his reply to all of Chuuya's apologies and attempts to make things right between the two of them. "To Chuuya Nakahara. (In response to all of your efforts to seek absolution from me) I forgive you." THIS! When his letter hit in THIS manner. I LOST it. Tears, my friend. Tears. And it makes me sad to imagine that this would/will make Chuuya cry as well. Maybe not breakdown sobbing. But... Shedding some tears...(and then cursing)... Yeah... I see that.//
      YESSS!!! I WILL HUG YOU!!!! omg chuuya would DEFINITELY DO THAT!! like I cant imagine him doing that one dazai sobbing gif BASDHAS but I imagine it being like.. he wipes his nose.. sniffles a lil.. tears shed.... a string of 130193103 curse words... (positive!!!)

      //*ugly crying* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I just CAN'T!!!! I am just SO beyond heartbroken!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is just SO beautiful and SO painful!!!!! My heart!!!! I can't take this!!!!!!!!! *more ugly crying*//
      HEHEHEHEHEHEHE
      I giggle at suffering .
      ILY FOR READING!!!!!!!!! IM GONNA HUG YOU... GIVES YOU TISSUES....!!!!! GIVES YOU ITTY BITTY WAN CHUUYA ABSDHASH
      I added the 'ty for letting me be your boy' LINE AT THE VERY END WHILE POSTING AND THAT EVEN HURT ME..

      //Yeah.... Weeeeeeeell.... I mean.... I'm trying not to laugh... But man might not be wrong about their destination... xD//
      RIGHT?!!? BAHAAHAHA
      and he only puts the 'see you later' for select people.. hehe..

      //Haha! I can only imagine this is directed to Dazai and 'the Jinko'. This made me laugh! Anyway! I will leave you with this! THANK YOU FOR THE UPDATE!!!!//
      YES!! THIS!! BAHAHAAH.. chuuya be his grave's guard dog xD
      imagine an odasaku core grave scene.. but its gin and chuuya instead...
      AHH IMAGINE AT FIRST ITS THE WHOLE MAFIA AT THE GRAVE... THEN IT REDUCES TO JUST TACHIHARA, GIN, HIGUCHI AND CHUUYA, THEN ONLY GIN HIGUCHI AND CHUUYA... THEN ONLY GIN AND HIGUCHI... and then eventually only one..... and then none.............. COUGHS

      ANYWAYS
      ILY!!!!!!!

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    2. The_Lady_In_Black on Chapter 4 Wed 25 Sep 2024 12:57AM UTC

      (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK
      THIS BRIGHTENED MY DAY SM WHEN I READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!
      i was (still am) running on 5 hours of sleep and VERY cranky in the morning.. and i became super giggly after reading BAHAAH)-> Ah, my friend! I am sorry it took me longer than normal to reply to this! And it ALWAYS makes me beyond happy to see you so happy with my comments! It really does do something! : )

      (//True, genuine, full comment INCOMING!!!! (I even took a break from writing, because I simply could NOT wait ANY more!!!//
      GIGGLES....... I'M SO HONOURED!!!!!!!!)-> *chuckles* Yes, yes. Feel honored!!! xD

      (//That summery ALONE made me start balling (Though I suppose, at very first blush, I could have interpreted this forgiveness...differently. I will explain later on, through this).//
      OH??
      teehee it was my goal to make ppl suffer BASDKLHASD)-> Ah, my friend! And THAT...is why we get along SO well with each other! xD True story! Sometimes I think you and I are like Dazai and Fyodor in prison, sharing a brain cell. xD

      (I CAN HEAR YOU THROUGH THE SCREEN.. BAHSDAHDASH)-> .....good... xD

      (I love writing timers in this fashion and I like overly detailing time for no reason (eg, organs chords and lightening having me calculate how much time would've gone past BASHDASDS))-> Oh my GOSH, I noticed that on Haunted Hatred, too!!! The day and time! I LOVE that feeling of time passing! LOVE it! I also loved in that, how you added the location, too! Genius!
      (THANK YOU FOR COMMENTING ON THIS!!! YAY!!!)->*does a little Japanese bow*

      (i once wrote a short story called 'twenty one days' for a writing competition (that I ended up being one of the winners for hehe) where it was written in a similar fashion to this fic, but it was diary entries with the amount of days left and thoughts of the writer instead. the earth was to be destroyed in twenty one days and at the end, the one writing it, gave the last tickets to move to another planet to her younger sister.. and the end showed the younger sister scrambling looking for her big sister (BCS she did not know that she sacrificed herself) and found the diary...)-> OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH, WHERE CAN I FIND THAT STORY?!?!?!?!!? Seriously!!!! That sounds SO sad!!!!! But something I find I would very much like to read! Fun fact, I REALLY like reading books in the style of journal entireties! 'Go Ask Alice' was a favorite of mine for a long time.

      (ANYWAYS WHAT I AM TRYING TO GET AT IS.. ever since them I've been OBSESSED with writing these kind of stories!!! i have SOOOO many 'diaries' from my ocs point of views.. i might just give in and make one for akutagawa and other characters BASHDASHA)->DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But... I HAVE to admit... When you mention making a journal/diary style story for Aku....hilariously...all I can hear in my head is the song 'Emo Kid' by Adam and Andrew
      "Dear diary
      Mood, apathetic
      My life is spiraling downward
      I couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry concert
      It sucks 'cause they play some of my favorite songs
      Like "Stab My Heart Because I Love You" and "Rip Apart My Soul"
      And of course "Stabby Rip Stab Stab"
      And it doesn't help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either
      Like that guy from that band can do, some days you know..."
      -And then, later on-
      "My life is just a black abyss, ya know
      It's so dark
      And it's suffocating me
      Grabbing a hold of me, tightening its grip
      Tighter than a pair of my little sister's jeans
      ...
      ...which look great on me by the way..."

      I mean... The song itself is fairly offensive. But those two lines (which are actually spoken in a dramatic, deep whiny voice) just reminded me of Ryuu when you mentioned that idea!!! xD And now I can't stop laughing!

      (//It didn't translate into the comment section, but I DO so love how you 'scratched out' the first of Akutagawa's salutations to the man 'Dear', in place of 'To'. It makes me smile to imagine how Ryuunosuke hastily scribbled 'Dear', without much thought, due to how close the two of them had become after 'that day'. But then...I see Ryuunosuke actually READING that word on the paper 'Dear', in regards to his pseudo mentor (and I feel SO much more), and then he quickly got an image of Chuuya's expression READING that salutation, and quickly scratched it out. xD It makes me sort of chuckle!//
      YES YES YES !!! THIS WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GONGI FOR BAHAHA!!! ryuu re read the letter and was like '...no...nevermind...')-> Awe, Aku!!! I LOVE him, SO much!!!

      (I imagine chuuya reading this would be like '...dude... i can still see the dear...')-> PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! NO!!!! Because that's so real!!! xD And I saw the look on his face when you typed that out for him, too! xD Not exactly 'disgusted'... But pretty darn close. xDDDD

      (FUN FACT!! I plan for the only character to have the 'dear' stay to be GIN!!! because HIS LITTLE SISTER!! :((()-> WHY DO YOU BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAZAI!!!! Make me heartless like YOU!!!!!

      (YES!! it's like.. he wants to get the main point out in case he loses courage or something in between, so its written ALREADY and he can't back out, if that makes sense!!!)-> Oh, that makes TOTAL sense! And I feel like this, and the letter to Dazai (so far) are the most personal to him. And I think it shows.
      (it might just be my scattered brain when writing this but I feel like ryuu would have SO many things to say that he just starts with the biggest one first)-> Oh, I agree! As he said himself, he's not a mute. But I feel like he wouldn't necessarily VERBALIZE what he would want to say, so it just builds up (like we see in this letter to Chuuya). Ryuu didn't say anything for a LONG time. Just kept things all to himself about how he felt. But he DOES have so much to say!

      (HE MADE A JOOKE!! EVERYONE REJOICE!!!!)-> *pops a little confetti popper with a deadpan expression*
      (omg... now I imagine chuuya sniffling and going '...argh, ya twerp, y'know i'd laugh at any joke you'd make...')-> NO!!!!!! NOT CHU CHU SNIFFLING!!!! And I VERY lowkey headcanon that Chuuya is probably a bigger 'crier' than he wants to let on (not that he sob all the time). I like to think he feels things SO intensely that it just sort of leaks out of him without him wanting it to. Also...it could be something he envies Dazai for. He hates Dazai for appearing so inhuman and unfeeling, but also envies him that. And now that I've digressed... I can TOTALLY see Chuuya doing this. Even to the point of calling Akutagawa a twerp AFTER the man's already died. And I absolutely believe that Chuuya would effortless laugh at anything funny that came out of Ryuu's mouth, no matter how ironic! xD
      (also you're so RIGHT!! like... he doesn't WANT chuuya to feel upset (even if a part of him wants chuuya to be upset for his death, despite also thinking that he doesn't deserve to be missed), he likes it when chuuya is laughing and cracking jokes, so he's trying to be like him in a way!!)-> OH MY HEART!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT TAKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sobs* I can totally see Ryuu learning to look up to Chuuya, and respect him. It makes me really sad, though, that a part of him feels like he doesn't deserve to be missed. That breaks my heart.
      So...
      I need to digress and make myself happy with this thought.
      That Ryuu has asked Chuuya to keep people outside the mafia away from the grave/funeral service. IT crakcks me up because one, it makes me feel like Ryuu sees Chuuya as the sort of 'bouncer' of his funeral, kicking the riff-raff out. And two, it makes me smile because it just feels like-in this-Ryuu just has SO much respect for the man. Not only as one of the strongest members of the mafia, but as a human being, and as a friend.
      There.
      Now I feel better!!!

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