Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Shin had to get ready. Whether it was the cold or his own unwillingness to look at his own body, he was wearing an undershirt and boxers while staring at his open closet. All his winter clothes were thick and baggy, they’re for keeping warm after all. But if he were to go out, he’d need to make sure that there’s no chance anyone would see his body. He put on a shirt, then another one, then another one. Enough to keep him warm and hide the parts of him nobody should see, not even himself.

He washed his face in an attempt to make his eyebags less straining, but it barely worked. It did make him feel less tired though. He packed a small bag with things. His wallet with 4 months worth of pocket money, his phone, and both paper and sanitary towels. His mom had drilled into him to always take them with him no matter where he went. Additionally, a water bottle and a thermos with hot soup in case he got hungry.

It was 6:37 PM, and Shin was ready to leave. He hadn’t looked so good in a long time, since he never had any reason to put effort into his appearance. He had brushed and untangled his messy hair and showered again to wash out the shampoo left from yesterday. This time he opted to either have his eyes closed or only look up at the ceiling.

He snuck downstairs as silently as possible. The sound of the shower running echoed through the second floor, meaning his mom was in the bath. It’d be worrying if she noticed that he was gone, so he strategically placed pillows on his bed in the shape of his body. Due to the baggy clothes he always wore, Shin’s general body shape was easy to replicate. 

He took the house keys with him—who knows when he will return—and left the house, locking the door behind him. As winter had started to settle in, the sun was already setting. He ran out of view from his house even if that took more strength than he wanted to use. He ran until he was out of his neighborhood and closer to the metro stop. 

The ride was uneventful. Shin stared out of the window without focusing on anything in particular. He hadn’t brought any headphones with him because listening to music while someone tries to talk to him would be rude. It was a bit sad, watching the sun set so early. His mom had described it as depressing. He was completely out of it until he heard the name of his station over the intercom as the metro’s movements came to a halt. It was always a fear of his, missing his stop because he’s zoning out. He quickly rushed out gripping the left strap of his backpack and left the station.

He hadn’t noticed it because he wasn’t focused before. But now that he was aware, Shin felt like everyone was staring at him. A stark opposite of what he felt in his daily life. Everyone he walked past was staring at him, everyone who was laughing was laughing at him, anyone who was talking was talking about him. His eyebags were too prominent, his posture was horrible, his style was terrible. But he did his best to walk past it. He thought back to what Miss Michiru had told him, but he caught himself. He couldn’t, for Hiyori. But he was still desperate for help..

This place is known for its night life. Shin knows this, and yet the amount of people out still shocked him, so early too. The sun had now just barely set and the sky wasn’t dark yet. Soon enough, all the billboards and advertisements will be bright enough to hurt Shin’s eyes, but it’d be so picturesque that Shin wouldn’t mind. 

He wondered how he’d stand in a city like Tokyo if he can’t handle crowds like this. Shin had never been to a large city before. The best chance he’d ever get was going on a school trip but he always skipped out on those because it’d force him to get into a group. Teachers can’t risk him going somewhere alone and hurting himself, after all. And when he’s with a group, he can hear the disdain in his classmates' voices when they talk to him. They would whisper–probably about him, and leave him walking behind the group like a dog. Even if he could be friends with one of them, he wouldn’t want to. Someone who’s so rude isn’t worthy of a cute boy like him.

It’d be so easy to get lost here. One wrong turn, one descent into an alleyway, and it’d all be over for Shin. If he died, he’d want to die a horrible death that wasn’t immediate. He’d want to be tortured and hurt and raped weeks before his death, so that way his death could at least make an impact.

With so many people, how would he spot Kai? Does he just stand somewhere and wait for Kai to arrive and search around until he sees him? But there’s so many people.. Shin gripped his backpack tighter. If it wasn’t winter, he’d be profusely sweating. 

It didn’t take long though, because they met up shortly after. Kai was also wearing warmer clothes, a puffy jacket that looked rather soft and a dark red scarf that looked a lot like Shin’s, just darker. And Shin surely hadn’t forgotten just how gorgeous Kai was. Standing in front of him like this, he could easily pass as an adult. 

After greeting each other, they walked around while making small talk. They had probably gone in the same circle around the streets more than thrice. It felt genuine though, even as his legs ached so much he thought he would crumble and fall down every step he took. Kai was just as gentle in real life as he was online, always making it a point to not talk too much and to let Shin get a word in. And Shin appreciated the way he’d check behind him to see if Shin’s still there every few moments when he was walking in front.

Shin was having a fun time, until the sky started getting cloudy. At first, he hadn’t really noticed it, nobody had, because the dark night sky obscured the clouds. But when the first few drops fell on Shin’s head, he immediately alerted Kai and they went in search of shelter. The small drizzle quickly turned into raging downpour, everyone scrambling to get under somewhere, anywhere. Kai and Shin ended up in a restaurant.

Shin was visibly nervous, keeping his head down while glaring at everyone while cracking his knuckles. Meanwhile, Kai found them somewhere to sit. Their table was close to a window, Shin could hear rain pounding against it. Kai, sitting across from him, had his face completely covered by the menu. He has to have a reason for doing that, Shin assumed.

“..I didn’t want to take you somewhere to eat.” Kai admitted, breaking the awkward silence. “..I don’t think you’ll want anything to eat. But, I’ll ask anyway. Do you want something to eat?”

“..Do they have boiled curry?”

“Boiled curry..? Let me check,” Kai looked over the menu again. “Yeah. You want to eat?”

“..Yeah.” Shin didn’t make eye contact. Kai smiled. He probably wasn’t expecting Shin to want to eat anything. Shin hasn’t been the most active and also hasn’t been making his friends aware of how he feels.. But that’s nice of him. Is that why he mentioned he didn’t want to take Shin somewhere with food? Ah, had he been covering his face because he was blushing and embarrassed about things not going as he planned? How uncharacteristically cute of him.

They ordered food and made more small talk before the food came. Kai is rather serious most of the time, but sometimes he says or does things that remind Shin he’s only a year older than him. It makes him smile fondly, that’s his Kai. Not in a possessive way, but fondly, as in “That’s the guy I’m friends with alright.” 

Soon enough, their food was on the table. Boiled curry for Shin, and Oyakodon for Kai with egg rolls as an appetizer. Kai really did deserve the nickname eggboy. Shin almost felt bad, he would never be able to eat this much by himself, but he’d rather not push himself too hard then throw up. How embarrassing would that be?

Shin stirred the curry to get rid of the big chunks of ingredients. Trying to get them to dissipate was hard, since it wasn’t exactly boiled to his liking. That meaning the solid parts haven’t boiled away. He takes a hesitant bite. It’s rather thick, and he has to chew which makes his jaw hurt. But it’d be embarrassing to start literally mashing his food while out. 

Kai pushes the plate with the eggrolls closer to Shin. “Take one.”

“N, no, I can’t..”

“Please. Just one.”

“N, no! If I eat anything too much, my stomach’ll—!”

“If you keep thinking like that, you’ll keep throwing up.”

Shin had no rebuttal, but he didn’t eat any. It was a rather nice dinner, tasted good, and he had fun. The two split the bill, each paying for the food they ordered. By the time they were out, 40 or so minutes if Shin had counted correctly though it felt much less, the rain had more or less stopped. Everything around them was wet though. They did some more strolling around the sidewalks before Shin had an idea.

“..Can we.. take a photo together?” Shin asked out of nowhere. 

“..Together? Like a selfie?”

“..Yeah. To.. to remember.” God, Shin could just die from the awkwardness right here and there. Kai simply nodded in response and Shin took his phone out. 

They tested some things out–poses and positions, but it seemed that simple was the best. Kai had tried to force a smile but both boys agreed it didn’t fit. In the end, the result was quite cute, and it made Shin happy. Even though the background could be better, but that’s just a nitpick.

They wandered around more, talking and laughing and being happy, when Kai’s phone started ringing. His ringtone sounded like an 80’s J-pop love song to Shin. Kai doesn't seem like the type of guy who’d be into that stuff. He answered the call and his face immediately dropped. Shin could see his mouth moving, could hear the faint sound of a voice, but it was too quiet. Kai was whispering everything he said. When he hung up, Kai looked genuinely upset, almost scared if Shin was reading his expressions correctly. 

He turned to Shin. “I.. have to leave. It’s urgent. Are you okay going home by yourself?”

“..Yeah. Is it a family issue?”

“..As always. I apologize..”

“It’s okay. I, I understand. It’s not your fault.”

Kai looked at him with a small, fond smile. They waved their goodbyes before walking in opposite directions. Shin couldn’t help but feel worried, but it’s not like he could do something about it.

The walk-ride home wasn’t eventful. It was close to 10 now, probably. Being a Sunday night, there were a few people on the train with Shin. It made him anxious. As he sat down, as he got up and changed trains to go home, he felt as if he was being followed. Like there was someone behind him, ready to cover his mouth, drag him into the nearest secluded alley and grope him the moment they got the chance. Shin tried to calm his thoughts but he couldn’t help but wonder. Maybe this is some horrid real-life foreshadowing, and someone really was following him home.

Despite that, the walk was uneventful and he reached his house without trouble. His mom immediately ran up and hugged him when he walked in, talking about how worried she was that he was gone without warning and how she thought he had run away or was harming himself or.. something. Shin didn’t pay much mind. He went up to his room and got undressed, and immediately picked out his cute pajamas and went to bed.

The next day, Shin didn’t go to school. He didn’t feel sick anymore but he didn’t feel like going. He used to be an attendance-stickler, but skipping was so much better. He was still tired anyways. It was always either staying up until morning on his phone or falling asleep at 10 with him, and today was more of a 10PM day. He went back to sleep and woke up at 11AM.

Hiyori had sent him a few messages while he was asleep.

Hiyori: “Good morning darling ^^ Did you sleep well?”

Sent 8:13AM

Hiyori: “I guess you’re still sleepy”

Sent 9:46AM

Hiyori: “Sweet dreams!”

Sent 10:37AM.

Shin should probably respond.

shinny꩜꩜: “im awak”

shinny꩜꩜: “sleepy”

Hiyori: “If you’re still tired you should go to sleep or drink coffee. Did you sleep in today?”

shinny꩜꩜: “yeaaahhh”

Hiyori: “How sweet”

shinny꩜꩜: “u always respond so fast”

Hiyori: “I missed you, we barely talked yesterday. Not enough Shin for my liking!”

shinny꩜꩜: “>/////<”

Hiyori: “So cute!”

Hiyori: “I got confused when you didn’t answer my messages, but I guess the lack of sleep caught up to you, huh.”

shinny꩜꩜: “ya i was out with a friend and got tired”

Hiyori: “Oh? Really? Did you have fun? Did you take any photos? Can I see them?”

Shin contemplated sending the photo to Hiyori but in the end, he trusted the boy. 

shinny꩜꩜: “me and my friend kai ^_^”

Hiyori: “...”

Hiyori: “..Istg is that fucking Kai Satou.”

shinny꩜꩜: “???”

Shin was, to say the least, confused. Hiyori recognized Kai? He knew his surname, which Shin didn’t even know? 

Hiyori: “He’s a.. childhood friend of mine. Also a part of ASU-NARO and currently working for them. He’s rather low ranking though.”

Hiyori: “He used to be the tall dark awkward type. Now he’s quite handsome. But that doesn’t change anything.”

Hiyori: “Pretty sure he watched his brother stab a few kids.”

If Shin wasn’t confused before, he sure as hell was now. Kai, affiliated with Asunaro? Is that why he always looked so serious, because he’s an active cult member? Is that why he looked so upset when he got that call yesterday, because he had to go partake in whatever that cult did? Shin knows they had mutilated Hiyori’s body, but did they really assault people? Furthermore, did they murder people?

Shin specifically responded to the last message with that exact question,

shinny꩜꩜: “did they die”

Hiyori: “As far as I know, yes.”

Hiyori: “His brother was so violent that they called him Rearranger as a nickname. I don’t know if it’s for better or for worse that they’re not biologically related.”

Kai’s brother.. a murderer? The same one he called his only emotional support? The same one he talked about doing all that stupid stuff with? Shin shouldn’t be so shocked, he didn’t even know the guy. But knowing that Kai trusted someone who has taken lives before is more than he can handle. He thinks he can feel bile in his throat.

shinny꩜꩜: “has kai ever hurt anyone”

Hiyori: “Not that I’m aware of. He was always a pussy when it came to that. Maybe that’s why his father hates him.”

shinny꩜꩜: “oh my fuvking god”

shinny꩜꩜: “u can not be serious”

shinny꩜꩜: “tell me ur lying right now”

Hiyori: “I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. It’s hard for me to relive my time there with them, but I imagine it’s especially hard for you to learn all this for the first time.”

shinny꩜꩜: “hiyori. so what do i just msg him and ask abt it”

Hiyori: “NO. DON’T. Block him, just block him. If you talk to him he’ll realize that I’ve been leaking ASU-NARO’s “processes” and he’ll expose me to the whole cult. I don’t want to get hurt, Shin.”

Shin was now faced with a dilemma. Believe in his friends, which he’s known for so long and have supported him through rough times. Or believe in Hiyori, who–even though they’ve known each other for barely a week–loves him so much and maybe even saved his life. If Hiyori wasn’t there, maybe he would’ve cut himself more, deeper, deep enough to end his life. Maybe he would’ve never wanted to start improving and die in his sleep from starvation. 

Hiyori means so much to Shin, and so does Kai. So do all his friends. If he blocked Kai, if he left their shared server, he’d have to explain why to Nao and Reko, who’d report it to Kai. That’d have the same result as him just asking Kai, Hiyori getting exposed and possibly tortured or killed. Who knows what they do there?

Would Kai really expose Hiyori, though? He’s always been so kind. Even so, there’s so many sides of Kai that Shin never even knew about, as shown by what Hiyori told him. Who can he really trust except for Hiyori? Everyone he has trusted so far has been a part of Asunaro, save for his parents. Can he even trust himself, or should he place all his love, trust and hope into Hiyori? His heart is beating so fast, he feels like he could pass out.

shinny꩜꩜: “okay. ill block them. ill block all of them.”

Shin did just that. He left their shared server, blocked them everywhere. The only people he trusted other than Hiyori. But Hiyori was all he needed, right? Shin was a moth, and Hiyori was his beacon, shining brightly against the darkness of the night sky.

Shin looked out the window into the slightly cloudy morning sky. He closed his eyes, they stayed shut for too long. He was still tired, ready for more sleep. He assumed that a nap would clear up his emotions, so he laid his head on his pillow and quickly fell into a dreamless sleep.

He hadn’t even realized that time had passed, as his sleep was more like a blink in his perspective. He blinked, and suddenly the sun was setting outside. He missed everyone. He still wanted to talk to them. But he can’t, they’d ask too many questions, and Shin doesn’t have the heart to lie to them. He’s completely alone, Shin realizes, except for Hiyori. But Hiyori means the world for Shin, so is it really isolation? Is being alone in a room with the person who loves you most in the world really being alone?

Shin felt an urge to cut. Cut his arms, cut his arms, his thighs, his stomach. Because.. because this body didn’t belong to him. He felt like that sometimes, like he was meant to be somewhere else but confined to a body that wasn’t his. This body isn’t Shin’s, so he has to hurt it to get out. It makes sense, in his mind. He used the little strength he had to lift his mattress, giving his access to the razor blades under it. Obviously “his” parents had hidden all sharp objects he had access to when they found out he had hurt himself, so he hid some to indulge in.

Cut, cut, cut.

I’m alone, nobody loves me, I don’t belong here.

Blood dripped from his wounds. They weren’t that deep, as Shin wasn’t strong enough. He walked drearily to the bathroom, and in the bathroom he rinced the cuts under the shower and put bandaids over the cuts. He liked the bandaids. They made him feel lika a cute and clumsy boy.

He went back into his bedroom and laid on his bed, his limbs spread out. It stung, it stung so horribly, and he felt guilty. But he couldn’t spend more time in this hell, the hell of not belonging in his own body.

(And yet, making more scars would only make him feel like he belonged less.)

His mind, his body, all the way down to his soul were numb and empty. Laying on his bed, he felt like he was floating. There was nothing interesting per se on the ceiling, but he tried not to blink. His vision was fuzzy and dark spots appeared and disappeared all over. It can’t be from blood loss, he only made a few cuts that weren’t even that deep, by his standards. 

He looked through his memories. There was a lot of things he didn’t remember, he realized, but he couldn’t dwell on it. He wasn’t energized enough to think about anything. Soon enough, his eyes closed and he fell into a deep sleep.

When he woke up the next morning, it was already afternoon. He had overslept again, but he wasn’t planning on going to school either way so it didn’t matter. He picked up his phone to unread messages from Hiyori. He was talking about how much he missed him and how he wanted to talk to him, which made Shin feel rather sad. He broke the news coldly.

shinny꩜꩜: “i cut myself”

Hiyori: “...”

Hiyori: “How deep? Show me. Why? Are you okay? Talk to me.”

shinny꩜꩜: “i dont want to take the bandaids off”

Hiyori: “Good, keep it bandaged. How many cuts did you make?”

shinny꩜꩜ “uhm 3 i think”

Hiyori: “Okay.”

Hiyori didn’t say anything after that. It made Shin nervous. Hiyori had finally realized how fucked he truly was and was finally leaving him alone to rot until his skeleton can’t hold him up anymore. He wasn’t wanted, he surely wasn’t needed, and he was truly alone. That lasted for about 10 minutes until Hiyori responded.

It was a photo. A photo of Hiyori’s forearm, cut up and bleeding. There was a copious amount of blood, and a bloody boxcutter in the background. Shin swore he could see white, white that could’ve been Hiyori’s bone. Three long, deep cuts covered in blood.

Hiyori: “For you.”

shinny꩜꩜: “what the fuck”

Hiyori: “Now.. How do I take care of these °_°”

shinny꩜꩜: “hiyori you idiot”

shinny꩜꩜: “run them under water with soap or something then bandage thats what i do”

shinny꩜꩜: “holy fuck thats so fucking deep”

Hiyori: “Thank you darling!”

Hiyori was gone again for another 10 minutes or so, leaving Shin dazed and confused. What did he mean, “for you”? Did he cut so Shin didn’t have to be the only one feeling pain? Was this some “If you cut, I cut” thing to convince Shin to stop? He didn’t want Hiyori hurt for his own sake. His phone vibrated again.

Hiyori: “It stings and itches.. Owch!”

shinny꩜꩜: “why the fuck did you do that”

Hiyori: “For you. I think we should feel the same pain. If you wouldn’t wish it on me, why would you wish it on yourself?”

shinny꩜꩜: “ure fucking stupid hiyori im mad at you”

Hiyori: “Are we getting divorced?”

Hiyori: “Owh My hand hurts so much”

Hiyori: “Doesn’t yours hurt? Not even one bit?”

shinny꩜꩜: “of course it hurts its fucking sh”

shinny꩜꩜: “why why the fuck are you doing this”

Hiyori: “For you, obviously! ^^”

shinny꩜꩜: “WHY I DONT WANT YOU TO CUT FOR ME ARE YOU INSANE”

Shin felt bad. Hiyori had endured so much of him and yet here he is exploding on him. It wasn’t Shin's fault though, this was too much, he would never have wanted or expected Hiyori to do something like this. Shin didn’t believe himself worthy enough to cut over. And even if he was, he wouldn’t want Hiyori to hurt himself over him. Hiyori meant so much to Shin, he couldn’t bear looking at Hiyori practically defiling, ruining, scarring his beautiful body over him.

Hiyori seemed to have the body Shin wanted, from all the photos he’s seen of him. Not that much taller than him but pale, skinny, and untouched. Except for the scar burnt into Hiyori’s chest, which Shin purposefully ignored. If he had Hiyori’s beauty, he wouldn’t throw it away for someone as shameful to be around as Shin. 

Shin wanted to disappear, to die painfully for “hurting” Hiyori. Starvation, being burnt alive, drowning, he’s heard these are the most painful ways to die. He wishes to die by one of these right here and right now for causing pain to Hiyori. He didn’t deserve Hiyori in the slightest.

His phone buzzed with another message.

Hiyori: “I’m doing this because I love you. You’re doing the same thing to yourself.”

shinny꩜꩜: “no im not im not fucking cutting to the bone” 

Hiyori: “I went a little overboard, I know. Please forgive me.”

shinny꩜꩜: “i forgive you but never hurt yourself again ahhh thatll leave scsrs hiyori youre ruining your body for me”

Hiyori: “My body’s already ruined.” 

shinny꩜꩜: “noo ur so pretty thooo :( i wish my body was like urs and not ugly and full of scars”

Hiyori: “Don’t even start, Shin. Cut it out.”

shinny꩜꩜: “im sorryyyy”

Hiyori: “It’s okay, I couldn’t stay mad at you.”

shinny꩜꩜: “just promise youll never do it again”

Hiyori: “Only if you promise the same.”

There it is, Shin expected this.

shinny꩜꩜: “i promise i wont cut again”

Hiyori: “I promise too.”

shinny꩜꩜: “good please never ever ever cut ever again im so so serious”

Hiyori: “You’re cute when you’re so desperate!”

shinny꩜꩜: “its because i love you dummy”

Hiyori: “Ahaha, I know! Aaahh it stings so much.. I can see why I didn’t want to do this!”

shinny꩜꩜: “literally why did you cut so deep”

Hiyori: “To show how deep my love is, obviously!” 

shinny꩜꩜: “not only are u stupid ur alsp corny”

Hiyori: “How mean to little old me! I’m just a boy, you know!”

shinny꩜꩜: “siiighhh”

Shin put his phone down. He was still mad at Hiyori, but besides that, he couldn’t tell what he was feeling. He felt numb and empty but also satisfied in his own weird way. He won’t do it again, he assured himself, Hiyori knows better now. Hiyori would never hurt himself again, right? Surely, out of everyone, he could trust Hiyori, right? In fact, he trusted Hiyori more than he trusted himself. If Shin was the one cutting for Hiyori, he’d cut again and again and again, until Hiyori had to step back because of Shin.

In Shin’s mind, Hiyori had been responsible and put-together, a pillar who could support him whenever he needed support. But now, he didn’t know what to think. He didn’t want Hiyori to hurt himself, he didn’t want to even think of situations like that. But Hiyori did it regardless of what Shin liked to think about. He rolled over in bed. These emotions are too complicated, Shin doesn’t like complicated. He liked it when it was much simpler, he was with his friends. His friends..

Shin missed his friends. He missed the familiarity of talking to the same three people every day. Even if it’s only been a day or so. But can he really go back? He doesn’t want them to question him. He doesn’t want to lie to his dear friends for Hiyori. There’s no going back.

His eyelids shut again. He was feeling dizzy, there was no room for thoughts in his head. Soon enough, despite the pounding sensation in his head, he fell asleep again.

Waking up, thinking, and falling asleep. It’s been a loop. Sometimes he’d manage a snack here or there, if soup can be considered a snack. Nothing is changing, nothing will change like this. But Shin doesn’t want to–can’t put in anything to change. He’s doing this for Hiyori. Even if it hurts, he loves Hiyori. Even as he’s ignoring all his calls and messages, rotting on his bed, only having moved an inch in the span of a few hours, his love for Hiyori remained. Even as thoughts of Hiyori and how he’s doing tortured his mind, that cursed image of his wounds flashing in his mind, he loved Hiyori. 

(Shutting his eyes did nothing. That image appeared in front of him. Deep, to the bone. His fault. Why was it his fault? Couldn’t it be anyone else’s? He never asked for this. All he wanted was someone to love him.) 

Hiyori had to have had an ulterior motive. It wasn’t possible any other way. “Because I love you” was just a flimsy excuse, a way to make Shin feel like it was his fault. What Hiyori did had nothing to do with him. What Hiyori does..

“..Has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!” Shin screamed out, his voice tired and hoarse, as he threw one of his pillows at the wall. Feelings of grief and sorrow had slowly enough festered and turned into anger. He grabbed his phone tightly and opened the messaging app. In the past days, Hiyori had sent him desperate messages about how much he missed Shin, how bored he was, how his cuts sting. Shin’s eyebrows furrowed, upset.

shinny꩜꩜: “why did you do it. why did you cut”

shinny꩜꩜: “what do you want from me. sexual photos? pain? dependance? leave me alone. i hate you”

He was trying his best to sound serious and confrontational, but it looked a bit unserious. He hoped it’d work, and Hiyori would finally fess up.

For the first time, Hiyori didn’t respond instantaneously. In fact, he made Shin wait a few hours before his phone finally buzzed with a message from the only person who texts him.

Hiyori: “I told you it’s because I love you!”

Hiyori: “Such mean words. Think before you type.”

shinny꩜꩜: “that has to be a lie just tell me what do you want from me”

Hiyori: “None of the above, I truly just love you.”

shinny꩜꩜: “LIAR I NEVER FUCKING WANTED YOU TO CUT TO THE BONE FOR ME”

Hiyori: “I’m not lying. I had a really strong urge to do it.”

shinny꩜꩜: “ur not SUPPOSED to give in to urges ur supposed to be the strong one”

Hiyori: “Really? Is that how you see me? As your put-together protector who does no wrong?”

Hiyori: “I’m a teenager too Shin. And I have BPD. I know seeing my wounds might’ve upset you and it’s not your fault but I’m not some kind of saint. Sometimes I can’t fight it too. I know it’s no excuse but please forgive me.”

Without dedicating time to think about Hiyori’s words, Shin typed a response.

shinny꩜꩜: “fucj you fuck you fuck you i cant even close my eues without seeing your arms i suerioosuly hate uu im so mad”

Hiyori: “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Please forgive me.”

Shin sobbed, his eyes welled up with tears for the Nth time today. He wanted to forgive Hiyori, but he also didn’t want to forgive him for causing him pain. Even though Hiyori had caused more pain to himself than to Shin. In the end, Shin decided on his response.

shinny꩜꩜: “okay i forgive you im sorry”

Hiyori: “That’s great, thank you sweetheart.”

If he didn’t have Hiyori, he wouldn’t have anyone. He would be alone, and being alone would probably be worse than being dead. He had no choice but to forgive Hiyori. He barely did anything, anyways. He could’ve cut himself so much that he bled out and died. He hadn’t thought of it before, but Hiyori should’ve fainted from that much blood loss. But maybe he didn’t actually cut to the bone and Shin’s just overreacting, and Hiyori was too caught up to correct him. He didn’t want to go up and look at that photo, but it was only a bit white and maybe that’s just from blood loss. That’s right, all right.

Shin was overreacting. Definitely, surely overreacting. It wasn’t his fault, it was neither of them. Shin isn’t okay, neither is Hiyori, and that’s okay. They can endure each other’s faults forever. At least, Shin can. Shin could endure anything and everything Hiyori does, endure his suffering, and maybe in the end take his night away with love. 

Part of Shin was still conflicted. He recognized that he only forgave Hiyori out of the love he had for him and because he didn’t want to be alone. Is that really okay, he questioned, even though Hiyori is the reason he’s alone?

That’s stupid, though. The reason he abandoned them wasn’t Hiyori. Kai was a horrible person and he didn’t want the others to get involved so he blocked them too. Hiyori just helped bring it to Shin’s attention. Hiyori isn’t a bad person. Hiyori..

He isn’t sure what to think anymore. His eyes close shut again. He’s left his phone open again, his average screentime will definitely go up. He doesn’t like seeing those big numbers, twelve to sixteen hours a day, but he doesn’t do anything to limit it. He opened his eyes and stared off to his right, at nothing in particular. He stared until something seemed to move, then he buried himself in blankets and fell asleep again.