Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

==>DAVE: FREAK THE FUCK OUT

Um, what?

You are Dave Strider.

You don't freak the fuck out. Ever.

Not even if you have woke up to be the victim of what is probably the game's idea of a sick joke, turning your choice human ass into something barely human at all.

You've been on this space rock for a couple days already, getting used to the trolls, getting used to where you're all probably going to be living for the rest of your lives, and you know where the nearest mirror is. It's hanging on your wall, dumpass. Like, right above your bed, so you can ironically blow yourself kisses each morning.

There will be no ironic self-affection this morning, only dismayed self-inspection.

Your hand reaches for your sunglasses but your eyes stare at the thing in the mirror. You don't look so bad, for a troll, anyway. At least your facial structure hasn't changed much. Just the skin, and the whites of your eyes, and your hair - oh, god damn, your hair. Fuck. All that beautiful blonde hair. It's black now. Damn it, you liked your hair just the way it was!

You slide on your sunglasses, still studying yourself, and oh, there are the horns. They look disconcertingly like Karkat's. Maybe they're a little bigger, not quite so nubby and stupid-looking, but they are definitely not big honking noticeable ones like Tavros's.

You pull on the same broken record shirt that you do all the time and a pair of jeans just in time before John bursts in the door, looking like an abused puppy. A grey abused puppy, with horns that are decidedly bigger than yours, and you are definitely not jealous of them at all.

"Daaaaave!" John squeaks, and he is really freaking the fuck out, twisting his fingers in that nervous way he has. "What happened?"

"You expect me to have a fucking clue what's going on, Egbert?" You're busying yourself trying to find your shoes.

"Well maybe a little more of a clue than me," John says, and he launches himself at your bed.

"Dude, calm down," you say, calmly. "Let's find Lalonde and Harley, see if they're as fucked as we are, then we can go whine about it to Vantas or whoever the hell is willing to listen."

"But, but, but," John says, yellow eyes wide behind his glasses.

"It's just the game," you tell him. "The game is screwing with us. Just go with it, okay?"

A hint of a smile appears on his face. "Hehe, Dave, Adam Sandler!"

"I don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about," you say, and you grab him by the arm and drag him to Lalonde's room.

==>ROSE: BE CALM

You are already calm. There is no point in being more calm because you are currently so calm that nothing can possibly perturb you. Your calmness is overwhelming, and you will stay calm even in the face of Jade Harley, who is definitely not calm, but luckily, you are calm. You are so calm right now. The calmest.

Okay, yes, you are a little scared, but this is not an everyday occurrence, and you have some right to be a little scared.

You're still calm, though.

Jade is sobbing nonsense words into your shoulder that you can't quite make out, and you are petting her back and trying to say words that mean something but they really don't. You are used to having grey skin - it was an aftereffect of being grimdark that just never went away - but your lovely blonde hair is now black, and you have long, tall, curvy horns that you are now annoyingly aware of. Also, you are almost one hundred percent positive that your anatomy is now completely different, and that is the part that frightens you more than anything. You are used to knowing your body thoroughly, but everything has changed, and you are scared of the implications.

Jade, in contrast, seems to be afraid of everything.

She shouldn't worry; she makes for a pretty troll, what with her delicate features and elegantly curved horns. The change seems to have made her look significantly less childish, and she is definitely more "beautiful" than "cute".

Of course, you would never think that way about Jade. She is your best friend and that is that.

"Jade," you murmur. "I am certain that we will be just fine."

"B-but what if we're not?" Jade cries into your sleeve. Her tears are green, something that disturbed you until you realised she must be a green-blood like Kanaya. You briefly wondered what your blood colour was, and then decided to conduct a full investigation later.

The door opens across from you, and it is Dave and John in the same predicament as you.

"Jooooohn!" Jade wails, leaping into his surprised arms. "This suuuuucks!"

"It's okay, Jade!" John says, trying to be cheerful. "Did you know you make a really pretty troll?"

So you were not the only one to notice. Good.

"I don't want to be a troll!"

You allow John to attempt comforting Jade while Dave sits next to you on the bed. "So," he drawls. "Enjoying your new bone bulge?"

You wince. "I have not yet had time to see if that is the case."

Dave shrugs. "If this isn't temporary, then you'll probably have plenty of time."

"I'm sure." You are silent for another moment, and then you say, almost melancholy, "I miss my hair."

"Ah," Dave says, smirking, "blonde hair. The one thing we had to set us apart from every other thing on this rock. I feel your pain, paradox sister."

You lean over and lay your head on his shoulder, or you were going to before your horns knocked into the side of his head and he pulled away, rubbing at his skull. "Jesus, Lalonde, keep those things to yourself!"

"Sorry," you say, blushing a little. You will have to get used to these silly things, and you are already not enjoying them very much.

Suddenly Dave is staring at you, mouth open a little, and you frown. "What is the matter?" you snap.

"You're blushing," he says.

"Yes, and what about it?"

"It's...purple," he says, gesturing at your cheeks. "Like...purple."

"Oh," you say, touching your cheek. "Oh. I guess...that makes me a, a, what is it? Highblood."

"Yeah," Dave says. He continues to stare at you, unable to take his eyes off of your cheeks, until you slap his shoulder. He shakes his head a little. "Sorry, dammit, it's just weird."

"Jade's a green-blood," you inform him.

"Oh, really? I wonder what me and John are."

"There's plenty of ways to find out," you say. "Crying, blushing, cutting, whatever you'd like to do."

"Those first two options don't come easy to such a fucking coolkid as me," Dave drawls. "Let's try the cutting thing." Out of nowhere he's got one of his swords drawn from his sylladex, and Jade shuts up all of a sudden to watch.

He draws the edge across his wrist, ever so slightly, and watches in interest as the blood wells up around the cut. "It didn't change," he says, almost sounding disappointed. "It's still red."

"I don't think that's necessarily a good colour to have," John says slowly. "Karkat doesn't like his blood, and you guys have the same."

"Great, another thing I share with the fuckwit." To anyone without so much experience as you, his voice would have sounded smooth, emotionless as usual, but you are well-versed in Strider bullshit, and you can detect tinges of anger in his voice.

"What about me?" John asks, his voice shaking a little. "Could you...cut me?" He holds out his hand.

Dave does him the favour, and watches blue blood drip into his friend's palm. "That's good, right?"

"Better than red," John says, and immediately says, "Not that you're bad or anything, it's just how I'm pretty sure the hemospectrum works!"

"Jesus," Dave says. "I get it." You are not fooled by his calmness. You can see the beginnings of unhappiness on his face. You're sister and brother, after all, paradox or no; it is the ability of siblings to understand each other.

"Perhaps," you interrupt, "this would be a good time to break the news to the other trolls, considering it is a piece of important information."

"Let's go find Karkat," Jade agrees, holding her arms out to you. You slip an arm around her back and lead her out, unsure of her actual ability to walk by herself at this point.

==>ROSE: COME OUT OF THE RACIAL CLOSET

"Jegus fuck," Karkat says, eyes wide. "You have got to be shitting me."

"We are not shitting you," you tell him.

"Jegus fuck, fuck, fuck," Karkat says, going back into his room and pacing. You take this as an invitation to enter the room with a shaking Jade, followed by Dave and John. "Fuck!"

"Yes, we are well aware of the unfortunate nature of the situation," you say dryly. "Is there any advice you could offer us?"

Karkat turns his head towards you, still pacing, and snaps, "Yeah! Don't fucking make fools of yourselves! You stupid humans better not fucking ruin the good name of trolls, because I swear to gog - why are you bleeding, Egbert?" He blinks.

"Dave decided that we needed to know what our blood colours were," John explains. "Jade was crying, so she knew, and Rose blushed, so we knew her, too, but Dave and I did a quick little cut. It's okay, it'll heal just fine!"

"No, I'm more worried about the fact that your blood colour is actually different," Karkat says, stopping his endless circle and running a hand through his hair. "That means it's not a joke."

"Of course it's not a joke, why would we do all this just to piss you off, fuckass?" Jade is shaking, getting angry, and you rub her side in an attempt to calm her.

"I don't know, jegus, just--Strider?" Karkat pauses, looks at Dave's arm. "You're fucking kidding me."

Dave holds up his wrist. "You talking about my lovely blood, Vantas?"

"You're fucking kidding me," Karkat repeats. "You are not a mutant blood, there is no fucking way."

"Dude, I didn't pick this," Dave replies. "I'm not exactly a happy camper over here."

"You have my horns, too!" Karkat hisses, stepping towards him with a threatening look on his face.

"Karkat," John says, laughing nervously. "Stop that, it's not Dave's fault that he looks like you."

"I don't give a fuck whose fault it is! Stop looking so fucking smug, Strider!" Karkat's face is turning bright red with anger.

"Can we please not do this, you guys?" Jade says nervously, shifting out of Karkat's way. You don't blame her. "This is kind of a weird development and I think maybe we should deal with it before we go off and do any, um, eek!"

You and Jade move backwards very quickly, bumping into John, who has also quickly moved out of the way, because very suddenly Karkat is kissing Dave in the strangest way you've ever seen someone kiss. He's forcing Dave into the wall, crushing him against it, biting at his lips and making these - frankly - terrifying growling noises.

You're sure Jade has never been this scared in her life.

==>DAVE: FREAK THE FUCK OUT

Okay, you are now officially permitted to freak the fuck out, because this fucking alien is fucking kissing you on the fucking mouth after he was fucking screaming at you and oh fuck this is actually really fucking hot.

He is basically grinding you into this wall, every single inch of his body up against you, and his claws are digging into your shoulders hard enough that he's probably drawing blood. Wait, you hate this guy, and he hates you, so remind you again why you're kissing?

Very suddenly, something in the lower half of your body reminds you, not of why you're kissing but why you don't care. You kiss him back.

This is nothing like the kissing that you're used to. It's not sweet and romantic in the least. This is...this is way better, you think. Hate kissing.

His teeth break the skin on your lips, and you can taste blood, almost sweet, leaking into his mouth, into your mouth, and this is getting better by the second.

You don't want to pull away, but the ache in your lungs - or whatever alien thing you have now - is getting unbearable. You can tell the stupid asshole is feeling a little breathless, too, because his hold on you is getting weaker, and you take the opportunity to shove him off of you.

That is when you open your eyes again, and realise that John and Rose and Jade are staring at you like you've just turned into The Motherfucking Hulk before their very eyes.

Karkat was unprepared for you fighting back, it seems, and he is on his ass on the floor wiping blood from his mouth. It occurs to you that you are probably also bloody, and you put a finger to your lips. It comes away wet and red, and you lick it.

"Not bad, Strider," Karkat says hoarsely, breaking the silence. "Not bad at all."

"Could someone please explain what just happened?" Rose says. She's trying to be calm, but you can definitely hear the panic in her voice.

"I think that was what trolls call black romance," John says, trying to be helpful.

Jade squeaks, "It doesn't look like fun!"

You shake your head, darting your tongue out over your stinging lips to lick up more of the blood. "No, nope. Definitely fun."

Karkat glares at you. "I can't believe this. I just can't fucking believe this. First you four show up in bodies you're not even supposed to have, and then I fucking fall for the most stupid of you all. Gog dammit, I am never going to forgive any of you for this."

"Cool by me," you say, raising a hand.

"Shut the fuck up, Strider!" Karkat snaps. "Nobody wants to hear what you have to say!"

"Actually," Rose says, "I would like to hear what he has to say. We have been awake for approximately fifteen minutes and already my brother is in a...what is it called? Caliginous? A caliginous relationship with the first troll he meets. I would like to be enlightened as to what is going on."

"I think I get the idea," you say, licking up the last of the mess on your mouth. "I hate him, he hates me, whoops, troll boner. Isn't that how kismessitude works?"

"That's the retarded version, but yes, basically," Karkat says. He's still pissed, and you are still turned on, which is freaky considering you don't even really know what's down there. You figure you could use a chance to get to know yourself, anyway.

"Well," John says in a voice barely there, "we actually came to tell you what had happened, and maybe ask you what we should do, but as far as I can tell your response is basically...try to fit in and don't be stupid?"

"Sounds about right," Karkat says.

"If by fit in, you mean fit into quadrants," Rose says quietly.

Karkat turns his glare on her. "Shut up! I can't help feeling a certain way, you'll see that gog damn soon, I'm sure! There's always just something..." He curses, and you smirk. What an idiot. A painfully sexy idiot, but an idiot anyway.

"I think," Rose says carefully, glancing from you to Karkat, "that we three should leave and attempt to make the rest of the asteroid's population aware of our situation. Perhaps you two should work out any cultural confusion early on in your relationship."

"Sure thing," you say, the smirk still on your face. "I'm still a little culturally confused on how the whole kissing thing works. Let's go over that one more time."

Karkat glares at you again, and the heat intensifies where your dick was once, but it doesn't really feel the same. Okay, now you're really wondering what the fuck is up with troll genitals.

"Ew, ew, ew," Jade is chanting, and Rose is leading her outside.

John follows them, but as he leaves he brushes up against your arm and gives you a look. You're pretty sure it meant don't do anything stupid. Luckily, you are Dave Strider, and you never do anything stupid.

==>KARKAT: KISS YOUR KISMESIS AGAIN

No, wait, first you'd better explain some shit! Lalonde was right, there's bound to be cultural confusion and you'd better get that the fuck out of the way.

"First of all, let me just say that I loathe you," you tell him.

"Aw, I hate you too," Dave says with a sweet smile that barely looks like it belongs to him.

"Yup, that's what I'm going for," you say. "Look, you get it, right? I didn't kiss you because I'm lovey-dovey romantic over you."

"Yeah, I get it, I'm not a complete fucking moron," Dave snaps.

The ability to get a rise out of this guy makes your blood pusher pound with excitement. And the banter is even better. "Oh, I wasn't aware you had more than one brain cell, Strider. My mistake."

"Jesus," Dave snorts, "just fucking kiss me again, asshole."

You are not about to argue with that.

==>DAVE: BE NERVOUS

Okay, we've been over this, you're Dave Motherfucking Strider and you've never been nervous in your life!

Well, you've never been a troll hate-snogging someone who looks almost exactly like you, but a little shorter and not wearing sunglasses.

It's not the hate-snogging, though, that makes you nervous; it's the fact that you still don't know how troll dicks work, because while the familiar heat is there, the familiar boner is not, and you're really not sure what's going on down there.

Basically, you don't want Karkat to do anything beyond this until you figure out what you look like naked.

But then you can feel his hand over whatever that is and you just want more of it and oh god stop this thinking right away Strider. You're not thinking clearly and you're well aware of this.

You're half-kissing, half-biting, pushing and pulling, taking little gasps of air to keep the kissing going on longer, and then during an air break you turn your head and push Karkat away as hard as you can.

"Fuck," you breathe. "What the hell? I've been an alien all of a half hour and already you want to get into my pants?"

Karkat stumbles back, face reddening. "No, not necessarily, it's just the natural order of things. Instinct, okay?"

"Yeah, well, I get the whole instinct bit," you say. "But I don't have a fucking clue how to do this."

Karkat shrugs. "If you wanted to, I could show you, and then we wouldn't have to stop." There's a hunger in his eyes that's both scary and sexy at the same time, and while you really want to go up and kiss him again, you can't do anything stupid. John already warned you about that.

You adjust your sunglasses, knocked turnways by all the sloppy makeouts. "Okay, let me make this real simple for you, Vantas." You step closer to him, forcing him to look at you. "I am going to my room. I am going to jerk off in my bathroom. I am going to figure out how to work my shiny new alien dick. And then when I am good and ready, I will come back, and we can hatefuck to our heart's content."

"Fucking fabulous," Karkat snaps, but you can see the sadistic delight in his eyes. "I'll be waiting with bated breath, Strider."

"You know it," you reply, smooth as ever, and with that you're getting the fuck out of there.

You're pretty sure Karkat is heading to his bathroom, too.

Chapter Text

==>ROSE: BE FORWARD

“Hello,” you say, stepping into the computer room, and every troll in the room swivels in their chair to stare.

For a moment they look terrified, and then Sollux starts to laugh.

“Good one, you guyth!” he practically splutters.

“Uh,” John says. “As hilarious as that prank would be, it’s not a prank.” He holds up his hand, blue blood drying around his cut.

Sollux frowns. “Well, shit.”

“Yes,” you agree.

“Then I suppose you humans have a bit of a problem,” Vriska says, crossing her legs, a disconcertingly sadistic grin on her face.

“The very nature of our problem suggests that the noun ‘humans’ is no longer an apt one,” you inform her, and subsequently move onto business. “We have already seen your fearless leader for advice, and after some screamed profanities and awkwardly executed kismessitude--”

“Whoa, whoa, wait,” Terezi says, holding up a hand. “Kismessitude? Karkat? And where’s the human with the deliciously red eyes?”

“Dave,” Jade offers.

“Dave’s name is already on the record!” You could swear that the numbers she uses in her online l33tsp34k are almost audible.

“Karkat seems to have taken a disliking to him,” you say.

“Ooh, scandalous,” Terezi whispers, bringing the hand to her mouth and widening her eyes behind glasses.

“Anyway, while they are eating face, we decided to break the news to you, and we welcome any advice you could give us,” you say. “Since Karkat was not exactly the most helpful.”

“What did he thay?” Sollux asks. He answers his own question: “ ‘Don’t be fucking sstupid’? ” He tries to dodge his lisp by enunciating his ‘s’ sounds, but it is difficult to disguise.

“That and make some quadrants,” Jade says, still clinging to your shoulder.

“Didn’t Karkat just say, don’t be stupid? The word is fill, you moron,” Vriska says in a mocking tone.

Jade shrinks behind your back.

“Dear, don’t be scared by Vriska,” Kanaya says, gliding over to you and Jade and taking Jade’s arm. “She is mostly talk, no matter how threatening the talk is. Sit by me and you will be just fine.”

You feel a sudden rush of jealousy as Kanaya drags another chair to her spot for Jade, but you’re not sure which green-blood is inspiring such feelings. Either way, you take note of the significantly stronger emotions that trolls seem to experience. You resolve that later, upon exploring your physical differences, you will also make note of any further psychological differences. It could be of use, especially considering the speed with which one of your number has already filled a quadrant.

You will be prepared.

==>JOHN: BE A LITTLE LOST, WHICH IS EMBARASSING SINCE YOU’RE THE LEADER AND YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LEAD AND STUFF

This is just way too confusing. You really hope Dave is doing okay back there with his alien hate-romance, because you’re not doing okay, and all you’re doing is standing there.

Just before Rose abandoned you (so rude) she told you she was going to conduct an experiment, and then went over to Eridan’s seat. You’re not really sure why, because frankly Eridan seems like a pretty big jerk, but if she has an experiment in mind you’re not about to stop her!

Even if she did leave you standing here. Awkward. Alone.

“John, come sit with us,” chirps Jade. You think Kanaya probably has some sort of force field thing that sends out waves of calm-downing-ness, because Jade is totally fine now.

Maybe sitting with them is a good idea.

So you obey, dragging over an abandoned chair and sitting next to Kanaya. She smiles at you.

“You look upset,” she observes.

You laugh, but it ends up sounding more like a cough. “Um, not really, it’s just going to take some getting used to!”

Kanaya nods, very serious. “I must say I have never experienced something quite like your situation, nor have I read about an instance before. But it is most unfortunate. Jade and I were about to share in a feelings jam. Would you like to join us?”

“Um,” you say, eyes darting to Jade, who is smiling really big. “Sure, I guess! I don’t really know what it is, though.”

“We will go to a pile,” Kanaya explains, patient, “and sit in it. Then we share our feelings.”

“Why do we need a pile?” Why can’t we just share feelings here, you wonder.

“Trust me,” Kanaya tells you, a slight smile on her face. “You will understand why once you sit down.”

==>JOHN: EXPERIENCE A FEELINGS JAM

“This should do nicely,” Kanaya says, and she points to one of way too many rooms on this asteroid. You can’t keep track of all of them, and you tend to get lost really easily! So you couldn’t really say what’s inside.

You step into the room after Kanaya, Jade right behind you, and Kanaya flops on a heap of random things. You can definitely make out plushies. Some movies. A couple of horns, some books, some black things that appear to be broken eight balls, and…is that…a sandwich?

You shrug, and flop down next to Kanaya. Why is this supposed to be so awesome agai—

Oh.

Ohh.

Ohhhhhhhh.

Everything is soft and nothing hurts. Not the broken eight balls, not the movie cases, not the books, it feels so comfortable and so right, like you were born to sit in this pile right here.

Before you can stop yourself you let out a little sigh. But all your muscles are relaxed, and your panic-attack-induced headache is going away, so you really don’t pay any attention to it.

“Does it feel nice?” Jade asks you.

“Oh, yeah,” you assure her, nodding emphatically.

She sits, ever so delicately, next to Kanaya, and sighs in relief. “Ooh, it does feel nice. Why do piles feel so fantastic, Kanaya?”

“Trolls like to be surrounded by things,” Kanaya instructs you. “It’s very calming. For instance, every night we sleep in recuperacoons. This is because of our tendency to wake up to something known as sleep rage, which can be dangerous to ourselves and others if not controlled. Being surrounded by recuperacoons calms us when we wake up. The added soothing effect of sopor slime is also beneficial.”

“Uhm, are we going to need recuperawhatsits?” Jade asks.

“It’s likely,” Kanaya responds. “It would not exactly be the best of situations if one of you woke up in a sleep rage. Not only are you not used to controlling it, but even we, who slept without recuperacoons throughout Sgrub, can do damage under the influence of sleep rage.”

“How do we get them?”

“Alchemise them, of course!” Jade says.

Kanaya nods. “We’ll ask Sollux what he can do. Now, we came here to have a feelings jam. It is traditional in a feelings jam for all trolls involved to be honest and forward about their emotions, and in turn, trolls listening will be supportive and helpful. It is one of few times when trolls can set aside their natural aggression and be cooperative.”

“Can we ask questions about being a troll?” Jade asks.

“Certainly, and I will do my best to answer them.”

“Okay then, explain kismessy-whatever,” Jade says immediately. “Why is Dave so happy about Karkat hating him? I don’t get it, hating is bad!”

“In general, yes,” Kanaya replies. “However, in a kismessitude, hatred is the base of the entire relationship. Perhaps it is difficult for someone who has not been a troll all their lives to understand, but I feel that when you experience it, you will see what I mean.”

“There are two romantic quadrant-thingies, right?” you ask. “So trolls are okay when their girlfriend or boyfriend has another girlfriend or boyfriend?”

Kanaya shakes her head. “We do not usually use those terms, for one thing. And for another, it is perfectly normal, expected, even, to share your matesprit or kismesis with another.”

“Ideally,” she adds, playing with the nose of a dragon plushie that’s lying on her shoulder, “a troll will fill all of their quadrants.”

“And if they don’t?” Jade asks.

“There is nothing specifically wrong with that,” Kanaya tells her. “It is just more satisfying that way.”

“What quadrants have you filled?” you ask.

Kanaya blushes a deep green. “So far, I…well, I do not actually have any quadrants filled. I believe it is generally agreed amongst those present that I have the skills to auspistice, but an opportunity to do so has not yet presented itself.”

“If either one of us end up needing an auspistice, we’ll come straight to you!” Jade promises.

“Meanwhile, you should get a matesprit!” you add, a devilish glint in your eye, at least you hope it is devilish and not just weird. You are not used to the whole facial expression thing as a troll, just yet.

“A…matesprit? Who would be my matesprit?” Kanaya looks surprised.

“Uh, Rose,” Jade says, because, you mean, obviously.

Kanaya’s whole face goes green. “I was unaware she felt flushed towards me.”

“Are you kidding? She’s been flushed for you since before that was even a thing!” you exclaim. “She probably doesn’t know it yet, but you and she are meant to be together!”

“Lovers fated to be!” Jade adds.

“Destined to be romantic partners,” you say.

“A relationship foretold by the stars,” Jade offers.

“Perfect for each other,” you say, a little breathlessly.

Kanaya is half-frowning and half-smiling. You wonder how that’s even a thing that can happen. It’s kind of amusing to watch, actually.

“Perhaps,” is all she’ll say.

You and Jade let out impatient sighs.

But it’s okay, because there is not a soul who can resist True Love!

==>JOHN: SHIT LET’S BE DAVE

Whoa.

Whoa.

What…even…is…this.

It was weird enough to have grey skin, but now look, you’ve got a motherfucking tentadick.

It’s not too different from your human dick. No, not at fucking all. It’s just a, you know, a tentacle, that moves, by itself. Besides that, you’re basically as smooth as a newly-bathed baby down there. Is puberty even a thing in Troll World?

Everyone keeps referring to it as a bone bulge. You’re guessing that comes from the, well, the bulge, and then the little piece of bone at the base that it’s worming its way out of. Creepy little bugger.

You wrap your fingers around it, but it protests at pressure, and you snatch your hand away like it’s been burned. Maybe just a little touching, a little stroking. It’s so fucking soft, you’re afraid if you so much as twist your hand the wrong way you might slice it open or maybe snap it.

Soon enough you’ve got it down to an art. A light touch is the best kind of touch. You imagine it would feel even better if it had something to go into, and then you remember nooks.

Your hand slips down, beneath the tenta-thing, into the space between your legs, and whoa. You have a pussy. A kind-of pussy, an alien pussy, but no matter what species you are it’s still a hole.

You test the opening with your finger, and it seems almost tougher than the tentacle, definitely less soft. A little less chance of hurting yourself, then, and you slip your finger inside.

Ohhhh shit.

Yup, yes, that, right there, fuck, wait, no not yet you just fucking got started, fuck

Before you’re even aware of what’s happening there’s red genetic material running down your legs, and you’re sinking to the floor. Your forehead hits the front of the toilet – the waste chute? What do they even call it? – and you laugh a little bit.

So not cool.

==>DAVE: CLEAN UP

What do you even use to clean up this shit? There’s not as much as you expected. After all, they use fucking buckets, and they’re pretty god damn set on making as big a deal out of it as is humanly (alienly?) possible. This is pretty much the same amount that you got out of your human self.

You decide on some toilet paper. It soaks everything up pretty quickly, and the tile doesn’t seem to be stained, so you figure you’re good to go.

“Hey coolkid!” comes a familiar voice from outside your bathroom. Your hand locates your pants and pulls them up very quickly.

“Yes Rez,” you shout back at her.

“Why dontcha get your coolkid butt down to the computer room?”

“Is that what the kids are doing these days?”

“Yup, all the kids, all of them!” Terezi snickers. “Seriously though, Dave, we need you. We’re not complete without you. Karkat’s not complete without you. He’s got such a hate boner right now, it’s so funny, you’ve got to come see it.”

“Ooh, Karkat with a boner? I’m all over this shit like white on rice,” you respond, coming out of your bathroom.

Terezi is standing at the opening that is your doorway, and she’s staring in your direction even if she can’t see. She takes one long, slow sniff, and a grin spreads across her face. A freaky fucking shark grin. God damn, you love the girl and all, but that’s a fucking creepy smile if you ever saw one.

“I smell you had a little hate boner too, coolkid,” Terezi smirks.

“What are you talking about.”

“I’m talking about the delicious red stains you’ve got all over your floor,” she says. “Don’t worry, nobody can see it. But I can still smell it, coolkid! The great Legislacerator can smell everything!”

You’re sure you’re blushing in the way that trolls do, and you hope she can’t smell it, even though she probably can.

“I just wanna lick you everywhere,” she says, cackling. “Oooh, there is red everywhere. Your blood and your genetic material and your feelings, oh so delicious.”

“No thank you, I am not whatever the word is for you.” You take another glance back at your bathroom. It’s definitely not visible. She’s just really good at smelling.

“Flushed? Oh Dave, no no, there’s two kinds of red and you’re one of them,” she says, almost devilish.

“Right, Rez.” You aren’t quite sure what she’s talking about, so you cover it up with your patented Strider Poker Face and walk towards her, slinging an arm around her shoulder. “Take me to the computer room, you weirdo.”

“Sure,” she coos, but not before licking your cheek.

“Okay stop that.”

“Yes sir, Mister Coolkid.”

Chapter Text

==> ROSE: ASSESS.

“Hello,” you say, sliding into the chair next to Eridan.

He stares at you in disbelief, like he’s not sure if you’re actually sitting there or if you’re a mirage. “Uh.”

“My name is Rose,” you inform him. “Your name is Eridan. Now that the formalities are out of the way, I’d like to ask you a few questions.”

He shakes his head. “I dunno if you’vve heard, but nobody talks to me.”

You sigh. “I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m talking to you right now. It’s considered polite for you to talk back. If we’re finished with that topic, I’d like to ask you a few questions.”

“No,” he says, turning back to his computer.

“Why not?”

“Because you’re just gonna laugh at me,” he says, biting his lip. “They all do. Evven my owwn coddamn moirail.”

“She’s not your moirail anymore, though. Or so I thought.”

“No, she’s not. So you came to rub that in my nub? That it?” He’s scowling at his computer screen, even though there’s no program running. You note that he has a live background of fish swimming across his screen.

“I believe I’ve said twice that I wanted to ask you some questions.”

He lets out a long, resigned breath and spins his chair back in your direction. “All right, fine, fire awway.”

“First,” and you’re about to ask something about quadrants but your curiosity gets the better of you and you say, “not to offend or anything, but your accent is quite curious.”

He glares. “You’re fuckin’ curious. Next.”

“No, no, I’m afraid you misunderstand. I find it rather endearing.”

His glare softens, and then almost immediately the scowl is back. “Oh, yeah, reel likely. I said next.”

“Why did your moirail leave you?”

He slumps, barely noticeable, but you pride yourself in picking up on minute details. “Dunno. Said I was too much a’ finful, I guess.”

“Why?”

“All these coddamn wwhys, wwhy, I don’t knoww wwhy! I didn’t like land-dwwellers. I pretended that I wwas gonna kill ‘em. I nevver did - swwear I didn’t evven lay a fuckin’ finger on ‘em – but she wwas alwways so wworried and she didn’t have to be and, I dunno, wweren’t meant to be I guess.”

The look on his face is completely wretched, and you feel a rush of pity for the poor boy. He really doesn’t look like he could do much harm, not with all of his ridiculous fish puns and his weird, just-barely-there accent and his stupid hipster-wannabe clothes. Maybe with a weapon in his hands he could do some damage – you can see him being quite a fierce warrior – but he looks…innocent.

“I’m sorry.”

He blinks. “For wwhat?”

You shrug. “Honestly, I don’t know. For your loss? I feel bad for you. My advice, take my apology and run with it.”

He tilts his head. “Are you…is that a…”

You tilt your head, matching his. “Can you…finish your…sentences?”

He looks startled for a second, and then lets out a surprised laugh. “You’re good, Lalonde human.”

“The first thing I said to you was that my name was Rose, and I expect you to use that information.”

“No,” he says, suddenly becoming solemn, and you’re confused until a huge grin splits his face and he says, “The first thing you said to me wwas hello!”

You smile and roll your eyes. “You remind me of John and Jade in the strangest of ways.”

“Wwho’re they, the blueblood and your moirail?”

“I don’t have a moirail,” you tell him, puzzled. “I’ve never…subscribed to the quadrants at all. Though, I suppose, it would be best if I adopted them now.”

His eyes widen. “But you wwere, you wwere comforting her back there, and she calmed dowwn. Moirails, they’re your other half, they can fix you wwhen you’re messed up. That’s wwhat you twwo wwere doing…wwasn’t it?”

You shake your head. “No, we’re just very good friends, and I’ve known her for a long time, so I know what makes her tick. I wouldn’t say she’s my other half, though. Just a good friend.”

He loses the slump in his shoulders, you notice, as he says, “Huh. I think I wwant to hear more about your wweird human culture, Lalon—Rose.”

You smile. “Not if you call it weird.”

He smiles back at you. “Okay, fine. It’s great. Your culture is the best fuckin’ culture there is. Happy now?”

“Very.”

What was supposed to be a scientific experiment has slowly devolved into an actual conversation, and you find yourself giggling, a thing that you haven’t done since…since…oh, good lord. You can’t remember the last time you’ve laughed like this.

Maybe there’s something to this idea of quadrants, after all.

==> ROSE: BE THE JEALOUS YELLOWBLOOD.

“So,” your kismesis says. He’s standing in front of the mirror, wiping some of your blood from his cheeks. “Wwhat’s all this wwith Rose’s ectobrother?”

“Ectobrother? Thinthe when is that even a thing?”

“Since, like, forevver, for humans,” Eridan says matter-of-factly. “I wwas talkin’ to Rose about it.”

“You two, I thwear you’re going to be official moirails by the time the week’th up.” You aim a psychic pinch at his arm and he squeals; you smirk and add, “It’th frankly dithguthting.”

“Yeah, wwell, she pities me, so get ovver it.” He peels back his scarf, peering at the bruises you left. “Coddammit, this one’s not gonna be gone for wweeks.”

“Get over it,” you mock.

He gives you the finger. “But no, Sol, for real, wwhat’s this shit wwith Davve and Karkat?”

“They’re in a kithmethitude.”

He chuckles. “You sound so retarded tryna say that.”

“I thtill thound better than you.”

“Fuck you.”

“Just did.”

He glares at you. “You’re not answwerin’ my question. Doesn’t wworry you at all? Wwhat if they flip?”

You’re on your feet in a second. “What do you mean, what if they flip? They’re not going to fucking flip. Karkat pitieth me, he’s not going to pity a gog-fucking-damned human-turned-troll, ethpethially not one who’th bathically copying off of him. Ever notithed how thimilar they are?”

“I’m just sayin’,” Eridan says, shrugging. “Flippin’ quadrants happens all the time. Nothin’ much you could do about it.”

“I’m not going to be Karkat’s fucking kithmethith.”

He chuckles again. “Wwoww.”

“Don’t thay wow, you thound thtupid.”

“Record yourself sometime,” Eridan retorts, wetting his hand and running it through his hair to make it stand back up. Makes you want to vomit, you swear. But it’s fun, being in a kismessitude with such a snarky kid. You’re never without a snappy comeback. It can be annoying if you’re in a bad mood, but after sex with this one – he’s surprisingly really great at it – you’re never in a bad mood.

You realise he’s talking. “Rose and I are havin’ a feelins jam in a coupla minutes, so I better head out,” he’s saying. “Thanks for the shitty sex.” Translation: he wishes you could go at it again but he’s got plans.

“Yeah, it wath terrible,” you tell him. Translation: it was amazing and you still feel great ten minutes later.

“Oh, and,” he says, pausing before he leaves just to be a dick, “wwhen you fuck your pretty little matesprit later, make sure you ask him about his neww hatefuckbuddy. Just wwanna make sure evverythin’s in order, ya know?” He winks. “Hate you.”

“I hate you too,” you snap, and then shut the door on his hand with your psionics. You hear a yelp, grin, and sit down at your computer with a contented sigh. You and Karkat have a candlelight pity date later, so maybe you will take Eridan’s advice, just – wait, what are you saying? Since when do you take your kismesis’s advice? You’re never sure when he’s trying to undermine you and when he’s genuinely trying to help. All you know is that the latter is pretty uncommon.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

CG: SOLLUX
CG: SOLLUX ARE YOU THERE
CG: HELLO
CG: SOLLUX COME IN SOLLUX
CG: SOLLUX JEGUS FUCKING CHRIST
CG: ANSWER ME
CG: SERIOUSLY, THIS IS REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT, GET THE FUCK ON TROLLIAN RIGHT NOW.
TA: jeez hold your fuckiing pi22 iim riight here a22hole
TA: what
CG: WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU, I’VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU FOR LIKE TWENTY MINUTES.
TA: 2orry
TA: eriidan wa2 over
CG: OH
CG: HAVE A NICE HATEFUCK?
TA: a2 retarded a2 he ii2 iill admiit he almost alway2 deliiver2
TA: 2o ye2 ii diid
CG: GLAD TO HEAR IT.
TA: and you?
CG: WHAT?
TA: you know
TA: how2 iit going wiith your 2hiiny new kii2me2ii2
CG: NOWHERE.
CG: IT’S GOING ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOWHERE.
CG: SLOPPY MAKEOUTS ABOUND BUT I HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN MY HANDS UP HIS FUCKING SHIRT YET.
CG: HE’S UNBELIEVABLY PRUDISH FOR SUCH A SLUT, YOU SHOULD HEAR WHAT HE SAYS SOMETIMES.
CG: HE’S ALSO A REALLY GOOD KISSER.
CG: SOLLUX, YOU STILL THERE?
TA: oh yeah 2orry
TA: well dont 2weat iit
TA: iill 2ee you toniight and we can fuck two your heart2 deliight
CG: OH.
CG: UH, THAT WAS KIND OF WHY I WAS SO IMPATIENT TO TALK TO YOU.
TA: oh good god
TA: what2 wrong today
TA: dont have the proper amount of candle2?
TA: dude ii can deal ii promii2e dont fliip your 2hiit
TA: iim not 2ome romance freak liike you
CG: NO, THAT’S NOT IT.
CG: IT’S JUST THAT, UH.
CG: WELL, THE INSUFFERABLE PRICK KIND OF INVITED ME OVER TO HIS RESPITEBLOCK TONIGHT.
CG: PRETTY SURE THAT MEANS HE’S FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO WORK HIS GOGDAMN BULGE.
TA: 2o youre 2ayiing he2 gonna fuck you
CG: YEAH.
CG: I THINK.
CG: I MEAN, HIS MESSAGE WAS KIND OF HARD TO TAKE ANY OTHER WAY.
TA: what wa2 iit
CG: TG: oh mr. vantas call on me TG: i think ive got this troll bulge nook shit down all right TG: but whether or not im prepared for the end of semester test TG: i think thats a question only you can answer teacher dear TG: if youd like to come over to my place later tonight we can do some one on one studying TG: we can take a little pretest TG: maybe if im good you can give me the exam a couple of days early TG: im all about extra credit you know
TA: oh
TA: yeah he want2 two fuck you
CG: OKAY, GOOD, I THOUGHT THAT WAS IT.
CG: BUT SOMETIMES THE ASSHOLE SENDS ME SUCH CONVOLUTED METAPHORS THAT I DON’T KNOW WHICH WAY IS FUCKING UP.
CG: I THINK THAT’S PROBABLY HIS GOAL, BUT WHATEVER.
CG: SO, THAT’S WHAT I CAME TO ASK YOU.
CG: SINCE THIS IS KIND OF NEW AND SHIT,
CG: AND I KNOW YOU’RE GAME FOR CANDLELIGHT PITY DATES WHENEVER,
CG: CAN I TAKE THE CHANCE HE’S GIVING ME? I MEAN, FOR ALL I KNOW HE’S GOING TO CHANGE HIS MIND ON ME AGAIN.
CG: WE WERE GOING TO DO IT LAST TIME, I KNOW WE WERE, AND THEN HE FUCKING BACKED OUT ON ME. I THINK IT WAS JUST TO PISS ME OFF.
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, HE’S LEFT ME HANGING LONG ENOUGH. I JUST REALLY WANT TO PAIL THE FUCKER.
CG: AND GET PAILED, I GUESS, WHATEVER. AS LONG AS HE MAKES IT FUN.
CG: SOLLUX, YOU THERE?
CG: COME ON, YOU GET IT, RIGHT? YOU DITCH ME FOR ERIDAN ALL THE TIME.
CG: HELLO?
TA: ii dont diitch you
TA: when have ii ever diitched you
CG: UH
CG: I DON’T KNOW, BUT I KNOW YOU’VE DONE IT BEFORE.
CG: LIKE ONCE OR TWICE.
TA: yeah no not really
TA: but whatever ii gue22
TA: ii know iit2 pretty cool when you fiir2t get a kii2me2ii2
TA: e2peciially if he2 good
CG: HE IS.
CG: AT LEAST, IN THE KISSING DEPARTMENT HE’S FUCKING FANTASTIC.
CG: FOR A HUMAN.
CG: A HUMAN-TROLL THING.
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
TA: yeah
TA: yeah ii do
TA: 2o how about tomorrow
CG: HOW ABOUT WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW?
TA: want to re2chedule the candleliight piity date two tomorrow
CG: OH, YEAH.
CG: THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
CG: THANKS, SOLLUX.
CG: YOU’RE THE BEST.
TA: ii know
CG: HEH.
CG: LOOK, I THINK I KIND OF WANT TO GET READY FOR TONIGHT.
CG: MIND IF I GO?
TA: nah go ahead
TA: liike ii 2aiid ii know how iit ii2
TA: exciitiing
CG: IT’S PRETTY FUCKING EXHILARATING, YEAH.
CG: I WONDER IF HE’S AS GOOD AT SEX AS HE IS AT KISSING.
TA: well let me know kk
TA: youre riight you 2hould probably go get ready
CG: OKAY.
CG: PITY YOU.
TA: piity you two
TA: talk to you later

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle troll! --

You sit back in your chair and rub your eyes. This isn’t what you wanted for tonight, not at all, but you guess you can understand why he wants it.

You type a message to Eridan asking him to come back for “ju2t a liittle quiickiie” but he doesn’t respond. Probably doing that feelings jam thing.

With another long sigh, you open up an ~ATH file you’ve been working on for weeks. Guess you could at least be productive.

==> SOLLUX: BE THE ACCIDENTAL MOIRAIL.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] started trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

TT: Goodness, this chat client will take some getting used to.
GA: Hello To You Too Rose
GA: I Am Fine And How Are You
TT: Oh, my apologies for my appalling lack of manners. I’ve just spent at least ten minutes fiddling with this program trying to figure out how to pester you.
TT: Pardon me, troll.
GA: Did You Have A Question
GA: Or Any Excuse To Speak To Me For That Matter
TT: Yes, I did.
TT: Have you ever been a moirail?
GA: I Cant Say I Have
GA: Ive Never Had A Quadrant Filled For That Matter
GA: Though People Say I Would Make A Fair Auspistice I Have Never Been Called Upon To Do So
TT: Hmm, that’s a shame.
TT: I was hoping for some advice on the moirail front.
TT: You see, I believe I’ve just been dragged ass backwards into these quadrants, and I’m a bit confused.
TT: I’ve no idea how to be a decent moirail, and I have even fewer clues about how to pursue any other romantic interests.
GA: Well
GA: Honestly The Local Authorities On Moiraillegiance Are Equius And Nepeta As They Have Been In A Very Successful Pale Relationship For Quite Some Time
GA: As To Romantic Expertise
GA: Karkat Watches A Lot Of Romantic Comedies But Does Not Have Real Life Experience With Most Quadrants
TT: He’s developed a kismessitude with my brother, as I'm sure you're aware.
TT: And I’m sure he’ll fill the rest of his quadrants sooner or later.
GA: With Luck We All Will
GA: But Rose If I Might Make An Inquiry
TT: Please do.
GA: With Whom Have You Journeyed Into The Quadrants With
TT: Oddly enough,
TT: Eridan Ampora.
GA: Oh My
TT: It came as a surprise to me, too.
GA: How Did This Come About
TT: I don’t know, really.
TT: I was planning on attempting to understand the troll psyche and picked him as part of my study.
TT: We started talking, and I found that he has the ability to make me laugh.
TT: Not many people have that ability.
TT: So I was rightly surprised.
TT: I invited him over for a feelings jam and we got to know each other further.
TT: Apparently he has a quadrant filled already.
GA: Yes With Sollux
GA: That Is Common Knowledge
GA: Im Frankly Surprised It Happened Considering How Utterly Desperate He Seems But
TT: He seems rather pitiable to me.
GA: I Assume That Is Why You Are His Moirail And I Am Not
GA: But Rose I Could Go On About His Romantic Behaviours All Day And Still Not Approach The Most Important Part Of This Development
GA: Are You Happy
TT: To tell the truth, I am.
TT: But only happy. Not satisfied.
TT: I trust you understand the difference.
GA: Of Course
GA: Well What Would Satisfy You Then
TT: Before I begin, I would ask you to hear me out, and not jump to any conclusions.
GA: Always
TT: All right.
TT: Bear with me. Releasing these feelings, while a great relief, is also stressful for me, as I am not sure where it will lead.
TT: I feel I am attracted to someone. I have never felt particularly attracted to this type of person before, and some human part of my subconscious feels I should not be attracted to them.
TT: The troll part of my consciousness, on the other hand, is extremely adamant on the attraction.
TT: I am sure the troll part will win out in the end. In fact, by that admission, it probably already has.
TT: But I digress.
TT: How would I approach this person on the subject of romantic involvement?
GA: First Of All
GA: If I May Ask
GA: Which Quadrant Are You Aiming For
GA: Not Pale That Is Clear Enough
TT: Red.
TT: Matespriteship, I believe it’s called.
GA: Matespritship
GA: You Added A Superfluous E There
TT: Thank you, I’ll remember that.
GA: Knowing That I Would Say The Only Real Way To Do It Is Come Right Out And Ask Them
GA: Be Direct As I Know You Can
TT: That’s difficult to do.
TT: I tend to freeze up whenever I think about this.
GA: A Common Affliction For Anyone Who Has Fallen In Pity
TT: Yes, but it’s perhaps more difficult for me.
TT: As I stated earlier, the very nature of this attraction is alien to me.
GA: Was That A Pun
GA: “Alien”
TT: An inadvertent one, but a pun nevertheless.
GA: I Was Attempting To Lighten The Mood
GA: I Fear I Have Not Succeeded
TT: I’m worried, that’s all.
TT: How do I proceed?
GA: Well Does The Person In Question Have Any Quadrants Filled
GA: Often Quadrantmates Have An Idea Of The Bigger Picture
GA: They Will Do Anything For The Wellbeing Of Their Partners
GA: Even Those In Black Romances Want Their Partners To Be In A Good Mood Before A Confrontation It Is More Fun That Way
TT: No, no quadrants.
GA: Oh
GA: Then The Only Logical Course Of Action Is To Ask Them Directly If They Are Interested In A Red Romance With You
GA: As Previously Stated
GA: I Believe In You Rose
GA: You Can Gather Up The Necessary Courage And Do This
TT: Make this happen?
GA: Lets Not Drag Tired References Into This Conversation
TT: All right, all right.
TT: You really think I can do it?
GA: Of Course
GA: You Are Determined And Brave
GA: I Wish You The Best Of Luck But You Wont Need It
TT: Well, then.
TT: Kanaya?
TT: This is difficult to say.
GA: What Are You
TT: Are you interested in a red romance with me?
GA: What
GA: Are You
GA: Is This
TT: Oh, shit.
TT: I’m sorry.
TT: This was a stupid idea and I’m an idiot for thinking I ought to do it.
TT: I’ll just log off of Trollian and we can forget about it.
GA: No
GA: Rose Lalonde You Keep Your Nicely Shaped Rear On That Chair And Listen To Me
GA: You Are The Most Beautiful Troll I Have Ever Seen And When You Were Human I Still Found Myself Inexplicably Attracted To You Possibly Because You Are You And The Person That Is You Is A Clever And Intelligent Young Woman Who I Would Trust With My Life
GA: I Pity You Simply Because To My Great Surprise Nobody Has Recognised All Of These Amazing Qualities As They Should Be
GA: And I Am Completely Awestruck At This Opportunity To Act Upon Those Feelings
GA: Rose Lalonde I Would Be Honoured To Be Called Your Matesprit
TT: Oh
TT: I
TT: Sorry, I’m having difficulties with coherency.
GA: Feel Free To Have Such Difficulties As Long As You Need
GA: I Will Just Sit Here Beaming Like A Wiggler On 12th Perigees Eve
TT: This entire day has been near overwhelming. I can’t even count all of the things contributing to my current smile.
TT: I think I need some rest.
TT: Speaking of rest, thank you for acquiring those recuperacoons for us. They are far more pleasant than I initially expected tubs full of slime to be. I have had the most lovely dreams of late.
TT: Oh dear.
TT: I’m beginning to sound like you, rambling.
TT: Forgive me, I’m just...excited.
GA: Or You Could Require Rest
GA: I Imagine You Must Be Very Tired After Todays Events
GA: Sleep And I Will See You Tomorrow At Breakfast
TT: It’s my turn for breakfast duty with Jade. Perhaps I’ll be romantic and make you a heart-shaped pancake.
GA: Ooh Ms Lalonde Ooh
GA: I Am Swooning If You Couldnt Tell
TT: I could.
TT: I am smiling, if you couldn’t tell.
GA: Im Glad
GA: Rose You Should Get Some Sleep
TT: I think I will.
TT: Kanaya?
GA: Yes
TT: Thanks.
GA: No Need To Thank Me
GA: In Fact In Reality I Should Be The One Thanking You
GA: Ive Been Puzzling Over How To Deal With My Flushed Feelings For You Ever Since I First Saw Your Lovely Lavender Text
GA: And Now My Answer Has Come
TT: I’m so glad we had this conversation.
GA: Its a Weight Off Both Our Blood Pusher Cavities I Think
TT: Our…chests?
GA: Well If You Want To Be Highblooded About It
GA: But Rose Dear
GA: (I Called You Dear And You Didnt React Badly)
GA: (!!!)
GA: You Really Ought To Get Some Rest
TT: You’re right.
TT: I just can’t stop myself from talking to you, I suppose.
GA: There Will Be Plenty Of Time For Talking
TT: Right again.
TT: Kanaya, I love you.
TT: Or…I pity you.
TT: Is that right?
GA: The Most Right
GA: I Pity You Too
TT: Good night, good night.
TT: Parting is such sweet sorrow.
GA: Oh I Think Human Poet Jay Z Said That
TT: Shakespeare, my darling.
GA: Thank You Ill Remember That
GA: Good Night
TT: Good night.
GA: Rose
GA: Are You Logging Off Or
TT: Oh!
TT: I was rereading the conversation and smiling like a fool.
TT: I’ll go now.
GA: You Are Hopeless
GA: Hopelessly Wonderful
TT: And you’re hopelessly sappy.
TT: I find myself not minding at all.
GA: Good Night Rose
TT: Yes, good night, for real this time.
TT: Pity you.
GA: Pity You Too Beautiful
TT: Stop that! You’ll make me stay longer.
GA: Sorry
GA: Good Night
GA: Wait That Is The Third Or Perhaps Fourth Time I Have Said That I Think
TT: I’ll just log off now before I’m distracted further.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle troll! --

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is online! --

TT: <3

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle troll! --

Chapter Text

==>DAVE: GET SOME KISMESSITUDE TIPS.

“Okay, Rez, calm down. I know this is very exciting for you and all, the prospect of two redbloods one bucket--”

“—Dave that is incredibly innappropriate—“

“—sugar, the fact that you’re following me around and trying to teach me how to have sex with trolls is incredibly inappropriate.” You smirk.

She smirks back and her teeth are broken glass. “You have to be prepared, Dave. If you’re not prepared, it’s not going to be fun.”

“Are you even in a kismessitude?”

Her smirk becomes a scowl. “No. But kind of!”

“Kind of how.”

“Spiderbitch!”

“She doesn’t count. The two of you just argue all the time. Like two old-as-shit broads in a nursing home disagreeing over who really won the bingo game.”

She shakes her head, the smirk returning. “Dave! I barely understand a word you say but you are hilarious.”

“Oh, believe me, I know.” You check the time. “All right, don’t mean to be all hasty about dismissing my brorail—“

“Moirail,” she corrects you, pointing at your face.

“Rez, I don’t believe I asked for a fucking faceful of finger.”

“No you did not, but you got one anyway!”

“Okay, brorail, moirail, whatever, you gonna get your ass out of here or do I have to push you? I think I’ve already said this, but Karkat’s coming over tonight.”

“And you’re going to have hatesex,” Terezi says, and she doesn’t appear to have heard the first part of what you said because she flops down on your bed (left over from when you were human, it makes for a convenient pile) and makes herself comfortable. “And when you do, you’re going to be terrible at it. And you will say, oh, woe, why did I not listen to my caring and pitying moirail? Karkat will storm out in a huff, unpailed and unsatisfied. And I will be in my respiteblock laughing my head off! But,” she says, practically goddamn singing it now, “but, on the other side of the coin flip, I could give you some tips, and you could take them into consideration, and you could give Karkat a great night.”

“All right, Rez,” you say, joining her on your bed. “I’ll humour you this once. Tip away.”

Actually, no matter if her advice is actually helpful in blackrom situations or no, you could use some advice on what trolls like best. After all, she’s the one who was born a troll, not you, so she likely knows better. Plus, she’s the only one you actually trust to talk to about this kind of thing.

“Good!” she says, blind eyes sparkling. “So coolkid, tell me, did you know that I used to be Karkat’s matesprit?”

Okay, maybe she’ll be more helpful than you thought. “No.”

“Well, now you know! It’s not like I’m sad about it or anything. We just grew apart, and Karkat started pitying someone new, and I kind of started pitying someone new too, so I don’t mind. The best thing that came out of that, besides his undying friendship or whatever he calls it, is that I know Karkat and I can tell you everything you need to know!”

You hold up a hand. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is hatesex here, babe. Aren’t I supposed to make him unhappy?”

Terezi sits up in alarm. “Who has been teaching you about kismessitude, coolkid? You’ve got it all wrong! You are supposed to make him happy in all of the worst ways. Except that, in the end, it turns out being the best. Come on, you know what I’m talking about!”

“Guess so.”

“Tssh, you need more help than I can give,” she tells you, shaking her head as she sinks back down into the pile. “I’ll do my best, though. And I bet Karkat’s tastes aren’t too picky. Not like he’s had a blackrom before, after all. But here’s what gets on his nerves!” She pauses. “Dave, take notes.”

“Don’t need to, I’ve got the best memory you’ve ever seen.” You tap your forehead. “Or heard of, or whatever.”

She arches an eyebrow, but goes on anyway. “First things first. He really likes kissing. Or rather, his bulge really likes kissing. I don’t think he’s aware of how much it actually turns him on. Just remember to never ever skimp on the kissing. Second, don’t tickle him, because he takes that as a sign that you don’t actually want to have sex and you’re putting it off. But since this is blackrom, that probably wouldn’t have even come to your mind, huh? Well, anyway, third. He is definitely fonder of his nook than his bulge, which is a little odd for a male troll, but whatever floats his aquatic transportation device, right? Use that. He is so good at screaming, you won’t even believe it. Heheh.”

You’re wondering how this is still not awkward when she grabs your wrist. It surprises you, so you jump unconsciously, and she cackles again. “I can smell your doubt, coolkid. But that’s stupid, because you shouldn’t doubt your beloved morail!”

“Nah, no doubts,” you say, surprising yourself with how much you actually trust her. “Just wondered if you could give me more general tips. Like, I know how to work myself, but not really someone else.”

She snickers. “Human males have bulges and human females have nooks, right? Surely you know how to make that work.”

“Uh,” you say, because you kind of don’t. As cool as you are, you were only thirteen when your life became being less the Dave of Guy and more the Knight of Time, so you’ve never actually done it--oh, shit. Oh shit oh fuck oh shit. Suddenly you’re realising how ridiculously inexperienced you are. Karkat has already done it with Terezi, and you guess whoever he pities now, and what if he’s had a kismesis that Terezi didn’t know about? You are so fucking doomed.

She slaps your arm. “You’re a cool guy! You’ll figure it out. It’s easy. It’s mostly instinct, anyway.”

You’re still worried, but she’s still talking, so you pretend like you’re not. “Now, most important. He likes being a leader, right? Well, in sex it pisses him off so much. I topped him all the time because of my previous point – he really likes his nook – but he was always so angry when we were done because he felt belittled or something. So if you want to make it memorable, I would advise topping him to the best of your ability.”

You tilt your head, give her a half-smile. “Oh, really? And how would you say I do that?”

She grins back at you and stands up. “Later, coolkid. Good luck tonight.”

It’s only when she’s out the door that you notice she’s left her favourite pair of handcuffs lying in her spot.

You decide that her real motive is being able to huff whatever red scent is left on the metal when she gets it back, but it’s a nice gesture anyway.

==>DAVE: LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY TO A GUY WHO HATES YOU

He’s standing there looking stupid with his trademark sneer. “Well, Strider?”

“Well, dipshit?” you mock. “You coming in, or are we going to fuck out there in the hallways?”

He smirks. “You know what, I think I’ll be nice and let you have your first time indoors. So you don’t embarrass yourself.” He steps in and smacks the door closed behind him.

Your mind is racing. How does he know it’s your first time? Did Terezi go and tell him all of your weaknesses, too? Fuck, is he going to rub this in your face the whole time? And why are you shaking? There’s no way you’re that nervous. Nope, no way. Dave Strider doesn’t get nervous. Except that Dave Strider is shaking, right now, and there hasn’t even been any kissing yet.

Okay. Okay, Dave, focus. What did Terezi say? She said kissing, no tickling (tickling, where the fuck does she come up with this shit?), nooks, topping. What first. Kissing first. Start with the goddamn kissing and for god’s sake fucking stop shaking.

He’s staring at you, waiting for you to make the first move, and the expression on his face is so outrageously infuriating that all the blood shoots down to your bulge and – Terezi’s right – it’s a hell of a lot of instinct.

Before either of you actually knows what’s happening, you’ve shoved a knee between his legs and forced him to the floor, kissing and biting like you’re going to die if you don’t draw some blood as-soon-as-fucking-possible. He bites back. Your bulge takes interest.

“You are,” you mumble into the blood welling up around his mouth, “completely hideous.”

“Then why are we kissing,” he mutters back, proud, and you attack him with newfound hatred, so fucking full of himself, and of course he knows he’s sex on legs, he flaunts it, godfuckingdammit, you’re remembering the way he walked into dinner last night giving you a look like he knows something you don’t and Terezi leaned over to you and whispered with a raspy giggle that he smelled like red all over, you’re remembering it and you want to fucking rip out his organs and stuff them down his throat and see if he’s still high-and-mighty then and then you want to fuck him, you want to fuck him silly, you want to fucking pound him into the floor. No goddamn piles. You don’t pity the prick.

“Going to get into my pants by twelfth Perigees’ Eve or what, Strider?” he manages to spit out during a breathing break, and something inside you has already snapped – it snapped the first time you kissed this unbelievable asshole, weeks ago – but it snaps again, harder, faster, and you actually growl out loud. To hell with Terezi’s tips. You are not kissing this arrogant asshole anymore. You are going to fuck him and he is going to fucking like it.

“Give me your hands,” you hiss at him, but you’re too impatient to wait for him to actually do it, so you grab his wrists and clip him up with Terezi’s handcuffs. He stares at you in disbelief.

Finally, he finds his voice: “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

You sigh, make yourself busy tying his feet together with a rope. (The closets, you discovered, are full of kinky shit. Or maybe your mind was just in the mood to find kinky uses for everyday materials. Either way, you found a lot of stuff. You shoved it all beneath your bed for easy access.)

“Strider, I asked you a goddamn question!”

You pause, lean into his neck and graze it with your teeth – just enough for it to be a threat – pull back and whisper, “I’m being the leader.”

He jerks beneath you, threatens something about biting your bulge off, but you don’t take him seriously. Besides, it’s not like he’ll be able to do that once you’ve – where did you put that rag? Oh, there it is. Happy motherfucking wriggling day, asshole.

His hands are shaking in the cuffs, and he’s glaring at you like he thinks if he focuses hard enough his eyes can maybe burn a hole in your skull, but you only smirk and lift his hands above his head, take that other piece of rope and tie them to the bed.

He says something behind the gag that might be Strider or maybe higher or tighter or lighter but you don’t particularly care. You’ve been stalling for nearly a month – making him wait for nearly a month – waiting for an idea to come along and finally today you just couldn’t wait any longer. But Terezi’s tips gave you an idea, and now you know exactly what you’re going to do.

You scoot backwards and review your handiwork. Not bad. He’s still thrashing a bit, though. Oh, well. Your knots are strong. You’re probably going to have to hack them off with your sword later, which might end up damaging the bed. Whatever, they’re serving a good purpose.

“Ready for this?” you ask. “Oh, wait, forgot you can’t answer. Sorry, Vantas.” Your smirk shows him that you are not sorry in the slightest, and he narrows his eyes at you. That’s pretty much all he can do.

He jerks his legs to the side, but he can only move them enough to tap your knee a little. “Rude, Vantas. Looks like I have to punish you now.” You equip your sword, and he lets out a muffled yelp of horror. You laugh and cut the rope wrapped around his feet. He doesn’t have to worry about you killing him, not when you’re not done yet. Once his legs are free, he immediately starts flailing them again. Dodging them, you take hold of one leg and tie another piece of rope around his ankle, pull it taut and knot the other around one of the legs of the bed. Then the same for the other ankle. Now he’s got his legs spread for you. Enough to be slutty – turn-on – but not enough to be uncomfortable – turn-off. You admire the sight for a moment, twirling your sword absentmindedly, and then it’s back to work.

With two flicks of your wrist his shirt is falling off his shoulders and you haven’t spilled a drop of his blood (well, besides what’s all over his mouth). He glares at you, but you’re starting to see his shoulders relaxing.

You pull the pieces of his shirt off – delighted, you remember that this means he’ll have to wear your clothes back to your room, the ultimate in blackrom humiliation – and admire him. He is fit. Goddamn. Without thinking about it, you trace his abs with your finger, and with some satisfaction you can feel him stiffen underneath your hands. Something like a warning growl rumbles in his throat.

“Not leaving enough bruises, huh?” you ask nobody in particular. He can’t answer, after all. “We’ll get there. But let’s not rush, hmm?” That said, you carefully slide your sword along the inside of his pant leg. It cuts cleanly, the bottom half falling to the floor. You do the other side, and have to hold back a grin when you see he’s shuddering.

You learned a few weeks ago – Terezi had to inform you – that underwear isn’t even a thing that trolls do, which is actually a great thing to know, to know that as you pull the very edge of your sword up along the front of Karkat’s pants that there is a very real reason for him going completely still. If he moved a fraction of an inch, the chances that he would be missing an important body part would increase by a lot. That’s half of what’s making you smile. The other half is the fact that Karkat’s bulge, with a mind of its own, is poking out from the slit you’ve cut in his pants.

It’s the first time you’ve seen a bulge that’s not your own, and that seems to make your own bulge even more excited. It’s almost time. You speed it up, finishing the careful cut and peeling Karkat’s pants off.

He’s completely exquisite and you hate yourself for thinking that, but he really is. All you want to do is touch him. But you can’t. Not if you want to make this fun.

You start stripping yourself. Shirt first. Nice and slow. Karkat’s eyes widen; you’re just as fit as he is, thank you very much. Even if you are a skinny shit and your ribs show, you’re still the guy who can throw around a sword one-fucking-handed – both hands, too, in case anyone was asking – and Karkat can tell. So you give him a little show taking off your pants, and by the time you’re done his nook is dripping red genetic material.

You grin at him, but his eyes are on your bulge, not your face, so he doesn’t notice. This is what you’ve been waiting for.

But before you can begin…you drag the pail out from underneath your bed and his eyes go even wider. You wonder if he’s able to get in enough oxygen just breathing through his nose. Then you decide you don’t care, as long as he stays conscious. Can’t miss what’s about to go down.

After a month of seeing what feels best, you know exactly what to do, and one hand goes down to your nook while the other stays at your bulge. You start out just stroking yourself a little, and then you push a finger into your nook. The resulting keen is only half on purpose.

But it does the trick. Karkat’s bending his knees in an attempt to rub something, anything, up against his bulge. It doesn’t work at all, and he’s turning bright red in frustration, his bulge reaching out for anything at all to touch.

“Only air there, hot stuff,” you force out, clenching your teeth before you keen again. Could start getting difficult to pretend they’re ironic.

He snarls behind the gag, tugging at the rope at his wrists, but you’re way too far into it to notice. You weren’t sure if you could get more turned on, but your bulge is correcting that mindset every time Karkat moves.

You’ve gotten three fingers into your nook when Karkat moans, loud enough for it to be very obvious even through the gag, and that’s the clincher. One finger slips far enough to hit the sweet spot and you come.

The sound of your genetic material hitting the pail wouldn’t have been anything at all before you became a troll, but it’s got to be something in the DNA that’s changed because it’s actually goddamn erotic. Karkat keens through the gag, eyes begging you to take it off, to touch him, to please do anything, and finally you give in.

In your haste to get to him you knock over the bucket – Terezi will have a field day with that later – but at least you get his gag untied. You’re careful to keep your skin out of contact with his, though.

He floods your ears immediately with hundreds of creative curse words that you’d never even thought existed, but before he can get too out of hand you dangle the gag in front of his face, a warning.

He stops for a moment and then hisses, “Godfuckingdammit touchmerightnowstrider.”

You smirk. “Having fun?”

“Not yet I’m noaaauughhh.”

You slide one finger down his bulge. “How about now?”

“Fuck,” he says, “shit, fuck, asshole, fuck you. Fuuuuuuck.” His head droops and he’s shaking, trying to pull himself closer to you, but you won’t let him.

“What do you want?” you whisper into his ear.

“I want…” He stops himself.

You tilt your head. “Yes?”

“Fuck,” he snaps again.

“That’s not an answer.”

“Strider, you bulgeblocking aaaaaahsshole.” He shivers as your other hand comes to stroke at the entrance of his nook.

“If you say the words, I’ll do it,” you tell him. “I’m not above coming twice.”

“I know you aren’t, you gogdamn fuck,” he snarls. He’s not calling you a fuck, not exactly, you decide. He just didn’t know what else to say when you slipped a finger into his nook.

“Go on,” you say. Another finger and he convulses, hissing curses. “Say it.”

“I want you to--” He stops again.

“Keep going,” you coax.

“Fuck me,” he forces out. “Please.”

You don’t need him to ask you again – hell, you were close enough to doing it without him saying it, sooner or later – and you take your hand out and put yourself back in seamlessly. The noise he makes is more than enough to turn you on again.

He forces his hips up against yours, over and over and over, and good fucking god Terezi was so right about it being mostly instinct. You’re both out of sync, there’s not even a semblance of rhythm. You have absolutely no fucking clue what you are doing but it feels so fucking great that you don’t care. You have a sneaking suspicion that neither does Karkat.

You’re starting to come up short of breath when you finally manage to shove your hips together at the same time, hit Karkat’s sweet spot. His nook clenches around your bulge – you guess, a last ditch attempt to wait for a pail, but no fucking way you’re giving him that luxury, and he spills out all over the carpet.

Your first thought is that Terezi would be more than happy to clean up this mess personally, and then your second thought is not a thought at all, it’s more of a you pulling out, slumping onto Karkat’s chest, exhausted. You didn’t come again, but you figure you might’ve passed out completely had that happened, so maybe it’s better this way.

“That was the worst thing you have ever done,” Karkat says finally, breathing heavily. You can feel his breath warming your neck. “Please untie me right the fuck now.”

You equip your sword again, start cutting through the ones tying up his feet. “You know you loved it.”

“Hated it,” Karkat says. “Hands first. I’m losing feeling in my hands.”

“Sor-ry,” you snark, and abandon the other leg to go for his wrists. “I guess I didn’t really cause a lot of pain, there. Sorry or whatever.”

He snorts. “Yeah, you did. That was unbelievably horrible for even you, Strider. Making me sit there watching you get yourself off? I almost fucking passed out. There was no blood left in my brain, I assure you.”

“Good,” you reply, and the rope at his wrists comes loose. You unlock the handcuffs and toss them on the bed; he lets his hands fall with a sigh and shakes out his wrists.

He’s silent for a moment. You get to work on his other leg. The rope falls away, and he snaps his legs back together as if he’s trying to hide his bulge or something. Like it makes a difference. You just fucked, why are you going to think it’s awkward that he’s naked now?

“So,” you say, unequipping your sword. “Did I pass the exam, Professor?”

He stares up at you, looking confused, and then his eyes clear. “With fucking flying colours.”

“You sure? I was thinking we might need to schedule another study session for next week.”

The edge of his mouth curls into a tiny smile, but his eyes stay cold. “You always were an overachiever, Strider.”

“Going back to your respiteblock?”

“I’m tired,” he replies, standing. “So yeah.”

“Might want to take some clothes first.”

He glares, you smirk. “Fine. Toss me some of the least recognisable stuff you’ve got.”

Of course you give him one of your trademark broken record t-shirts and a pair of jeans you wore yesterday. If anyone meets him in the hallway they will know exactly where he’s been and that’s the way you want it.

“See you next week,” you call at him on his way out.

He raises a middle finger as he shuts the door behind him.

Now that he’s gone you allow yourself to smile, for real. Okay, being a troll is not as bad as you thought it would be. Maybe it’s actually the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

==> DAVE: BE JADE

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GG: rooooooose!!!
GG: so i know something veeeery special happened last night ;D
TT: Oh, really?
TT: What was it?
GG: rose you know exactly what i am talking about don’t try and be coy!!
TT: I do, but it would be nice to hear you say it.
GG: you are............
GG: .............
GG: .............
TT: The suspense is killing me, Jade.
GG: .............
GG: DATING KANAYA!?!?!?!!?!?
TT: There we are.
TT: Yes, isn’t it nice?
GG: congratulations rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GG: i knew you had it in you!
GG: me and john predicted it!
TT: Hmm?
GG: we warned kanaya about you
GG: we told her dog!
TT: For Pete’s sake, the comic doesn’t even exist anymore. Why does everyone make it a point to reference it?
GG: because it’s fun!!
GG: also who’s pete?
TT: It’s an expression.
GG: i know it’s an expression it’s just a really stupid one! where is this so called pete and who is he supposed to be? nobody that is who!
GG: that is why it is a stupid expression, duhhh.
GG: anyway so?
GG: tell me about kanaya... ;)
TT: There’s not much to tell.
TT: She was very kind about it.
TT: I thought it was going to be awkward, or go horribly wrong, but no, she politely reciprocated and said some nice things about me, as well.
GG: nice things?
GG: like…?
TT: She insinuated that I had a nice butt.
GG: !!!
GG: oh wow you know it’s love when!
TT: Oh, shut up.
TT: It made me happy.
TT: Besides, the troll term is pity.
GG: geez i wasn’t making fun!
GG: just saying that’s super cute :)
TT: Isn’t it?
TT: She’s mastered romance, in my opinion.
TT: This is the first morning we’ve been officially together, and the first thing she did was leave a bouquet of flowers outside my doorway.
TT: God knows where she found them, but it was…
TT: Nice.
GG: awwwwwwww!
GG: soooo romantic <3
GG: but ummm
GG: you actually
GG: told me about that this morning?
TT: I did?
GG: twice hehehe
TT: Oh.
TT: Um, when?
GG: when we were making breakfast, you were making a heart-shaped pancake for her and you kept talking about the flowers and being all dreamy and romantic.
GG: remember? you burned the first two you tried to make and in the end i had to distract you by putting an ice cube down your bra!
TT: Um...
TT: I can’t say I remember that.
TT: Wait!
TT: No, I remember the ice cube part.
GG: see!
GG: you are crazy hopelessly in love :)
GG: or pity or whatever it is!
GG: (geez, i keep messing up my quadrants. maybe kanaya should help me out with that :/)
TT: I...suppose I am.
TT: I had no idea this kind of feeling was that strong of a distraction.
GG: caught you by surprise huh?
TT: That it did.
TT: Jade?
GG: hmmm?
TT: Has anyone caught your eye?
GG: huh?
TT: Pity-wise.
GG: uhhh
GG: weeeell
GG: that depends on what kind of pity you mean!
TT: Hm?
GG: pale or flushed?
GG: (i think that’s right!)
GG: :B
TT: Either one, I suppose.
GG: well,
GG: yeah!
GG: pale!
TT: Whom?
GG: isn’t it who?
TT: No, whom.
TT: Or maybe it is who.
TT: No, wait, stop. I refuse to second-guess my grammatical choices.
TT: Let’s try this again: which troll is the subject of your pale feelings?
GG: that is...
GG: a secret!!!!
GG: :D
TT: Jade, that is absolutely cruel.
GG: i knoooow
GG: but don’t worry!
GG: i’m pretty sure it’s all going to work out pretty soon and then you’ll know!
TT: Why can’t you just tell me?
GG: oh stop whining!
GG: you never told me you liked kanaya
GG: or eridan for that matter! in fact i had to get that news from feferi this morning! honestly rose and i thought we were friends :P
TT: First of all, I barely knew that myself. I wasn’t even sure about it until I made myself confess.
TT: Second of all, how does she feel about it?
GG: still :P :P :P :P
GG: actually she seemed really happy!!!
GG: i think she still has some pale feelings for eridan, she just couldn’t really keep him in line without being exhausted.
GG: it’s easy for you though!
GG: since you’re so commanding and all ;D
TT: I’m commanding?
GG: very!!!
GG: but anyway she actually asked me to pass on a message to you!
TT: Oh?
GG: she actually sent it to me over trollian. here, i’ll copy paste!
GG: CC: please, tell rose t)(at I wish )(er the very best of luck! I am so very ---EXCITED to sea w)(at c)(anges s)(e will make in eridan. I am already pretty certain t)(at )(e’s )(appier wit)( )(er t)(an )(e ever was being my moirail! T)(ere’s no red eelings getting in the way t)(is time, and I just KNOW it’s going to make a difference! O)(, and t)(ank )(er for getting him off my fins, gosh! )(e was getting a little glubbing insufferable, )(e)(e)(e.
TT: Her quirk is so difficult to read.
TT: But I guess that means she’s all right with it, then.
GG: yeah!
GG: she’s happy.
GG: seriously, thanks rose, this means a lot to her, to finally have that responsibility passed off to someone.
GG: it’s a huge weight off of her shoulders!
TT: Hmm.
GG: hmm what???
TT: Could Feferi be the one you pity?
GG: maybe!
GG: or maybe not!
GG: i’m not going to say!
TT: Hmmmm.
GG: hmmmm all you want but you will get no information out of me!
GG: now i have to go before you DO get information out of me, hehehe!
GG: bye rose <3
TT: I hope you know I’ll get it out of you one way or another.
GG: oh i know, silly! but i figure the longer i can get out of it the better ;)
TT: Tch.
TT: Bye, Jade.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] has ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

==> JADE: JEEZ, ALL THESE CHANGING PERSPECTIVES ARE GIVING YOU A HEADACHE. JUST STAY JADE.

“Jade,” he says, a little breathlessly, flinging open your door. “Help.”

You swivel in your chair and give him a huge smile. “Hello, Karkat! What’s up?”

He makes a beeline for you. You’re not quite sure what he’s doing, and then he starts banging his head on your shoulder, just hard enough to be kind of annoying. “Help me,” he moans.

“I will if you stop smacking my shoulder!” You push him off of you, playfully. “What in the world is wrong?”

“Strider is wrong, Strider is always what is wrong,” he says, backing off and pacing. “I thought we were doing really well last night, and then it just all went to hell today.”

“Okay, three questions, and I want you to answer them in order!” you chirp. You have a plan. Your plan is that remembering your questions will make Karkat forget about whatever bad things have happened and then you will have done your job as someone interested in filling a pale quadrant! Kanaya sure was a huge help with all of this quadrant junk. You owe her one.

“All right,” he’s saying, and you remember that you better come up with three questions fast!

“One,” you say, holding up a finger. “What happened last night? Two.” Another finger. “What happened today? Nothing happened at breakfast, other than Rose burning like ten pancakes, I mean, jeez. And three.” One more finger! “Why would you come to me for this?” That last one is your way of sneakily divining his pale-or-not intentions towards you! You are super good at this quadrants thing. Kanaya is certainly going to be thanked again. Maybe you’ll make her cupcakes!

“One,” he says, shoving a finger in your face. “We fucked and it was pretty good. Like, he was surprisingly really great at it.”

“Okay!” you say, keeping the same smile on your face but shaking your head. “Okay, no. We are definitely not going into how good or bad Dave is at hating people sexily! He is my friend and that is kind of icky.”

Karkat scowls at you and it is gosh darn adorable. You resist the urge to coo, take a picture, and slap a caption on it. It would be like lolcats, but more grumpy! Yeah, loltrolls would definitely be a huge hit! You’d be, like, Internet famous.

Wait – he’s talking again. “…just fucking saying that it was more decent than I expected it to be! So I thought we were really getting somewhere in our kismessitude.”

“Well, yeeeah, you guys consummated it!” you say, not only using quadrant lingo that Kanaya taught you but also swinging one leg over the other in a businesswoman-like fashion that makes you seem very professional and therapist-y. Oh yeah, you are on the ball today.

He sighs. “Can I please sit the fuck down? I have had enough of standing.”

“Yeah! My bed is pretty comfy, let’s have a jam or something.”

He gives you an odd look. “Okay.”

Uh-oh! What if he’s catching onto your sly pale advances? You’d better tone it down. “I mean, we don’t have to! Just if you want to.”

“I just want to fucking sit, don’t flip your shit,” he replies.

You give him a grin. “My shit remains totally unflipped! Okay, so question two, answer that one now.”

He heads on over to the bed and sinks into the comforter. “Oh, wow, this does feel nice. Okay, so, there was a shitload of drama today. If you’d come to lunch you would’ve seen the beginnings of it. Why weren’t you at lunch, by the way?”

“Well, Kanaya just started dating my best girlfriend,” you tell him.

He tilts his head. “Okay, so what?”

You roll your eyes. “Don’t you guys do the same thing we do? Like, you better not hurt her or we’ll hurt you? You know, the ‘new boyfriend’ speech! Except in this case it’s girlfriend. But whatever.”

He shakes his head. “Usually if a quadrantmate around here hurts their partner, their partner hurts them back. Not our job.”

You giggle. But he seems like he’s serious, so you stop giggling and nod seriously. He gives you another weird look and kind of grins a little. A whole bunch of YOU DID IT!!! alarms go off inside your head. Have you mentioned that you are the best at quadrants? Yup. It’s you.

“Okay, so, at lunch,” you prompt.

“Strider was being an ass,” Karkat informs you.

“So nothing new,” you say at the same time he does. You break into giggles again.

He waits for you to shut up and then says, “He was boasting about how fantastic he was at hatesex. Not directly, but he was giving all sorts of fucking idiotic hints of the nudge-nudge sort and it was starting to get on my goddamn nerves. I guess Sollux could tell I was getting pissed off because he kind of jumped in between us, and then he started fighting back with Dave and doing that nudge-nudge thing but with pitysex instead, and Dave just did this thing with his eyebrows like, surprise, skinny computer nerd gets the guy! And Sollux kind of flipped. Figuratively and literally. He used his psionics to flip Dave’s plate over onto the floor. Dave started talking about how his sandwich was now perpetually paralysed and Tavros got this kind of sad look and Gamzee had to take him out for a walk and then Dave got more pissed at Sollux for making him make Tavros sad and everything just kind of devolved into a fight.” He takes a long breath. “And…then Nepeta kicked them out of the dining room and they went back to the computer lab to fight. Kanaya and Rose were a little distracted at this point, so it took almost an hour for Kanaya – you know she’s like our fucking universal auspisticing fairy, right – to get her ass down there and fix shit and I think they’re still fighting. At least, they were when I left.” He takes another breath. “In short. Help.”

You blink. “Umm. Let me try and process that!”

He crosses his arms.

“Okay, processed! What are you worried about?”

“What if Sollux feels black for him?” Karkat, deflated, looks genuinely, innocently worried, and you kind of just want to hug him all over the place. That’s exactly what Kanaya said moiraillegiance fondness feels like!

“Well,” you say, stroking your chin in a wise fashion, “maybe he is! But not like, black black. Maybe just a little ashen.”

He nods, a troubled expression on his face. “You think so?”

“I bet you a thousand boonbucks that is totally what is happening!” You bounce a little and the bed creaks. “So Dave is already a little self-conscious about being in a concupiscent relationship with you, right, and he’s worried that Sollux does a better job and makes you happier and that you like Sollux better. And Sollux is jealous of Dave because he thinks you’re going to start spending all your time with Dave instead of him, and that you’ll eventually just forget about your matesprit! So they’re going at each other as a way of getting out all their fear of losing you.” You beam, pleased with your explanation.

The troubled expression disappears, replaced by a surprised one. “Wow, I guess so. That’s...damn it, I didn’t want that to happen. Of course I feel strongly about both of them. I wouldn’t give either one up for the world.” He shakes his head. “I mean, the universe. A lot of universes. Or something.”

“The hazards of polyamory,” you say philosophically, shrugging.

“Polywhatthefuck.”

“Never mind! But you understand, right? They’re just worried about you!” You laugh. “It’s kind of a silly thing to freak out over, but you know, if they want to be ashen, then I say let them! It’ll be a good place for Dave to get out any anger he’s still got, after you’re done with him.”

Karkat considers. “Huh.”

“I bet Kanaya would love to be an official auspistice!” you add. “Just ask, and I’m sure she’ll do it, since she’s already helped them out once!”

He nods again. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’ll ask her at dinner.”

“Great!” You give him a huge grin.

“You know, I can almost forget you weren’t born a troll sometimes,” he says, staring at you. “You’re pretty good at this stuff.”

“Thanks!” Just what you wanted to hear.

“Do you,” he begins, and then falters. “Uh. I probably took this the wrong way. Sorry.” He starts to get up.

Aww, no! You reach out to him and pull him back down. “Do I what?”

“Nothing,” he says, his old irritated face coming back. “It’s fine, whatever.”

You shake your head. “Third question.”

“What was it? I forgot.”

“Why did you come see me?” you remind him. “And not, like, Kanaya or someone.”

“Because…” he stops. “Seriously, this isn’t a good idea.”

“No, it’s a great idea! Finish your sentence.”

“I kind of thought you might want to be moirails,” he says, all in one breath, and you smile on the outside and fucking cheer on the inside! Who’s the winner? You’re the winner!

“Yeah!” You figure that will suffice.

His face brightens a little. “Really? I wasn’t, like, misreading the signs?”

“Not at all! I was kind of hoping you’d get it,” you say, blushing. “I guess I got it right! I am sooo good at this.”

“The best,” he says, punching your arm. “Hey. Dinner’s in a couple of minutes, want to go with me?”

“Sure! We can just relax for a couple of minutes, I bet you could use it,” you say sympathetically – pityingly – and he lets out a long sigh, flopping back onto the bed.

“It’s okay,” you say, laying back with him and staring at the ceiling. “I’m here for you when you need to rant. It’ll be way better than you yelling nonstop at John over Trollian. Did you know I have to tell him what to say back sometimes?”

“You’re joking!” Karkat says, slipping a hand up onto your shoulder, staring at the ceiling with you. “And all this time I thought he would be good moirail material. I am a world-class idiot.”

“You are the cutest world-class idiot ever,” you assure him, and he grins at you – he grins at you! Karkat! Grins! At! You!

All of this success is overwhelming. You revert to your automatic response to overwhelming success, which is uncontrollable giggling. Karkat gives you a weird look for a couple of seconds, and then he starts laughing too, and the success just got even more overwhelming, so you can’t stop laughing for like ten minutes and then you’re late to dinner but it is all good. It is all so, so good.

Chapter Text

==>KANAYA: ASSPISS.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] opened memo on board Dave And Sollux This Means You --

GA: Please Head To The Computer Room Dave And Sollux
TG: what for
TG: are you asspissing us or something
GA: I Cant Tell If That Was Meant To Be Something Vulgar Or Merely A Mutilation Of The Alternian Language
TG: maybe both
TG: idfk just what do you need
TG: maybe im a little busy here
TA: fuckiing my mate2priit iintwo obliiviion no doubt
TA: lii2ten you 2hiitcon2umiing a22faced lo2er ii havent even 2een kk iin per2on lately a2iide from meal2 iin like a week
TA: back. the fuck. off my quadrantmate.
TG: congrats bro one whole sentence without a li2p
TA: ok bulgelord, you want two get me22ed up? cau2e ii wiill me22 you up 2o bad. let2 do thii2.
CG: IS THIS FUCKING NECESSARY.
TA: ye2
TG: yes
CG: OKAY. I LIKE BOTH OF YOU, ALL RIGHT?
CG: REPHRASE. I HATE YOU, STRIDER, DON’T FUCK UP YOUR THINKPAN WITH THE IDEA THAT I’M FLIPPING OR SOMETHING. AND SOLLUX, I PITY YOU LIKE NOBODY’S BEEN PITIED BEFORE. SERIOUSLY. <3< AND <3 ABOUND.
CG: SO JUST CALM YOUR CG: KANAYA, HOW DOES THAT HUMAN EPITHET GO AGAIN? GA: Im Told Its "Tits"
CG: OKAY. CALM YOUR TITS, GUYS.
TG: only girl humans have tits
TG: also sollux but you know same diff
TA: kk permii2iion reque2ted for me two cut off hii2 bulge
CG: JEGUS CHRIST, SOLLUX, I HAVE A USE FOR THAT. PLEASE LEAVE IT ALONE.
CG: BUT REALLY, GUYS? WHY FIGHT? I’M NOT PLANNING ON GIVING EITHER ONE OF YOU UP, EVER. GET USED TO IT.
CA: ooh drama
-- turntechGodhead [TG] has blocked caligulasAquarium [CA]! --
-- twinArmageddons [TA] has blocked caligulasAquarium [CA]! --
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked caligulasAquarium [CA]! --
TT: Was that necessary, you three?
GA: Rose You May Want To Allow Me To Deal With This
GA: Go Comfort Your Matesprit Who Im Sure Is Devastated By His Rejection In The Context Of This Memo
GA: Also Karkat Your Services Are Not Required
GA: I
GA: As They Say
GA: "Got This"
CG: YEAH, WELL, YOU DON’T APPEAR TO BE FIXING ANYTHING.
GA: I Requested That Dave And Sollux Come Down To The Computer Room
GA: I Wished To Talk To The Two Of Them About How Their Actions Are Affecting The Rest Of Us And If They Are Aware
GA: But Perhaps That Would Not Be Such A Good Idea
GA: The Situation Is A Bit
GA: Tense
GA: Lets Just Talk Here
TG: whatever
TA: fiine diidnt have any de2iire two 2ee the god of douche2 anyway
TG: real classy
TG: did you like run out of names to call me in apoplectic fury
TG: have to flip to the back of your insult dictionary
TG: news flash honeybuns shits labeled "use as last resort"
TT: “Apoplectic” is a good word, Dave.
TT: It’s an SAT word.
TG: ok lalonde you know i love you but do i care
TT: Yes, I suppose not.
TT: Kanaya, love, I’ll leave you to this. Message me later and let me know how it went.
GA: Of Course Dear
GA: Kisses
TT: Similarly, darling.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased responding to this memo! --
TG: well now that miss merriam websters gone
GA: Who
TA: what the fuck
TG: human thing
TG: so what now kanaya
TG: gonna asspiss us or what
GA: Oh Goodness
GA: Sollux I Wish You Had A Moirail I Could Talk To It Would Make It Worlds Easier To Keep You Away From Him
GA: At Least Dave Has Terezi
TA: okay what the hell kn
TA: are you 2eriiou2ly iin2ultiing my quadrant2 now
TA: that 2ure ii2 a great move for an au2pii2tiice two make
TA: really gettiing tru2t buiilt up there
GA: I Am Getting A Little Fed Up
TG: then leave us alone
TG: we can deal with our shit all by ourselves
TG: were big boys now
TG: and girls in sols case
TA: really hiigh cla22 of you 2triider
TG: expect nothing less from me babe
TA: don’t call me babe, a22hat
TG: ill call you babe if i want to call you babe
TG: babe
CG: I WAS GOING TO STAY OUT OF THIS, REALLY, I WAS.
CG: BUT GOG FUCKING SHIT CAN YOU TWO GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR NOOKS FAR ENOUGH TO SEE HOW FUCKING RETARDED YOU’RE BOTH BEING???
CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF YOU’RE FIGHTING ASHEN OR PROPOSITIONING EACH OTHER IN SOME WEIRD FLIPPY RED/BLACK CLUSTERFUCK EXTRAVAGANZA.
CG: BOTH OF YOU JUST FUCK RIGHT THE HELL OFF AND STOP TALKING TO EACH OTHER.
CG: AND LET ME FUCK MY CONCUPISCIENT QUADRANTS IN GOGDAMN PEACE.
TG: sorry hon but dont think shits gonna fly like that
TG: see me and sollux dont get along
TG: we live on the same shithole
TG: we fuck the same shitface
TG: we even share the same shitty meals
TG: a rivalry is kind of inescapable
TA: be2iide2 2orry kk but ii kiind of LIIKE fiightiing wiith dv
TA: ii mean 2iince we dont even hang out anymore 2hiit can get boriing
CG: WHAT ABOUT ERIDAN? GET YOUR HATE OUT WITH HIM.
TA: he2 bu2y wiith hii2 2hiiny new moiiraiil
TA: we dont get a lot of fuck tiime iin nowaday2
CG: OH? SO WHO ARE YOU FUCKING, THEN?
CG: BECAUSE IT’S NOT ME.
CG: YOU DON’T EVEN BOTHER COMING OVER ANYMORE, DOUCHELORD. I SIT AROUND ON PESTERCHUM FOR HOURS WAITING FOR YOU TO POP UP SO I CAN ASK YOU TO COME OVER AND YOU JUST DON’T.
CG: I’VE SEEN DAVE EVERY DAY THIS WEEK, BECAUSE HE’S ON AND YOU NEVER ARE.
TA: there2 thii2 cool thiing called A2KIING IIN PER2ON, kk.
CG: HOW CAN I ASK IN PERSON IF I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?
CG: SERIOUSLY, YOU ACT LIKE I SUDDENLY DON’T PITY YOU ANYMORE.
CG: YOU KNOW I DO AND I ALWAYS GOGDAMN HAVE AND I WILL NEVER STOP. OKAY? OKAY.
CG: SO JUST COME OVER AND LET’S HAVE A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED CANDELIGHT PITY DATE AND FUCK A LITTLE.
CG: UNLESS.
CG: OH MY GOD.
CG: SOLLUX, ARE YOU FUCKING STRIDER?
CG: HOLY SHIT.
CG: HOLY SHIT, KILL ME.
CG: JUST KILL ME.
CG: NOBODY’S EVEN SAYING ANYTHING.
CG: OH MY GOD.
CG: OH MY GOD.
GA: Karkat Are You Breathing
CG: NO NO I AM NOT
GA: Let Me See If Jade Is On
GG: karkat??
GG: oh jeez karkat
GG: hey assholes, i know you arent having sex, so please say so so my moirail doesnt have a heart attack!!!
TG: sorry i just thought that was hilarious
TG: me fucking that bag of bones
TG: l
TG: o
TG: fucking
TG: l
GG: that was really mean dave.
TG: but funny
TG: admit it
GG: no, it kind of wasnt at all!
GG: please apologize.
TG: to who
TA: whom.
TG: yo sugartits please get caught in a horrendous hydrochloric acid accident
GG: dave you are being a huge jerk right now
TG: duly noted jade
TG: but baby i was born this way
GG: you definitely werent born a huge butthole!!!
GG: youre both being total fucking jerks.
GG: come on over to my respiteblock karkat. we can jam and plot ways to make dave feel sorry for himself.
CG: YEAH OKAY.
TG: are you offering to help him come up with sexual torture
GG: no god ew no!!!!!! D: D: D:
GG: gross, dave. just gross.
GG: i am offering to help him figure out...like...a bucket of water on your head.
GG: maybe with salt in it so it gets in your eyes and stings like a bitch
CG: UGH, OH MY FUCKING GOG, JADE, THAT IS KINKY AND DISGUSTING.
CG: I WOULDN’T WISH SUCH A VILE PUNISHMENT ON MY WORST ENEMY.
CG: GRANTED STRIDER KIND OF FITS THE BILL BUT STILL.
CG: EW.
CG: JUST EW.
GG: oh lol sorry! i forgot trolls had that weird thing for buckets.
GA: Jade This Is Verging On Offensive
GG: aaaah sorry guys!!!
GG: karkat, get your butt over here. you require some jamming asap.
CG: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
CG: SEE YOU IN A SECOND, HARLEY.
CG: KANAYA, PLEASE KEEP THESE TWO AT ARMS LENGTH. I DON’T WANT THEM...WELL, YEAH.
GA: Dont Worry Im A Very Good Chaperone
TA: not liike were goiing two make out 2pontaneou2ly kk
TA: btw can ii come over later
CG: SURE.
GG: no!
CG: WHAT.
GG: nope.
GG: you may not sollux.
GG: you are being a huge jerk just like dave is.
GG: yeah! i read through this log!
GG: im not an idiot.
GG: you both better stay away from karkat and each other too until youve gotten this silly bullshit under control.
GG: have your dumb ashen romance! just stop giving karkat irregular heart palpitations and well all be fucking peachy!!!!! >:C
TG: whoa watch out weve got a badass here
GG: dave i have got my eye on you!!!
GG: and that also means the sights of my gun, you huge douche!!!!!
GG: god, you guys do know that tavros goes on a "walk" with gamzee every day? he is still really upset about that stunt you pulled, dave.
GG: assholes.
TG: that was captors fault
TA: who called hii2 2andwiich paralyzed for liife?
TA: wa2 iit me?
TA: NO IIT WA2 NOT.
TG: you started it
GG: you guys are such first graders!!!
GG: good luck kanaya. i dont think id be able to deal with these two with any sort of manners.
GA: I Am Finding It Equally As Difficult
GA: Sigh
GA: Have Fun Jade
GG: karkat?
GG: guess hes already on his way, ok.
GG: bye, guys...
GG: i hope you both get caught in horrendous hydrochloric acid accidents!!!!
-- gardenGnostic [GG] has ceased responding to this memo! --
GA: I Suppose Nothing I Say Is Going To Help The Situation Much
GA: Only Know That You Are Hurting The Feelings Of Many Of Us Particularly Karkat
GA: You Shouldnt Hurt Your Quadrantmates Feelings You Know
TG: why shouldnt i thats the kismessys deal right
TA: do you even know what quadrant2 are 2triider
TG: yeah man
TG: matespriteship and kismessyship and brorailship and asspissinship
TG: im practically fucking bilingual
TG: you know like i can speak alternian and english
TA: thii2 ii2 2o retarded ii am actually haviing diifiicultiies not iimploding riight now
TG: oh go ahead
GA: You Two Are Insufferable
TG: *pricks
TG: listen sister nobody asked you to be the referee here
GA: No And Yet The Responsibility Still Falls To Me
GA: You Two Dont See The Mess Youre Making Of Things And Believe Me Its Quite The Mess
GA: Karkat Is Really Stressing Himself
GA: In Case You Didnt Know Strider A Stressed Kismesis Actually Provides Inferior Sexual Gratification
TG: well shit
TG: thats ok though i
TG: well i actually dont have a matesprite
TG: damn
TG: need to get me one of those
TA: you 2ay that liike people are actually capable of piityiing you.
TG: well its just as surprising in your case isnt it soldouche
TA: now who2 readiing from the “la2t re2ort” column 2triider
GA: Okay You Know What
GA: I Fucking Give Up
GA: Ill Find Terezi To Calm Down Dave And Maybe By Some Stroke Of Luck Eridan Will Be Particularly Horny Tonight
GA: That Will At Least Expel Some Of Solluxs Hateful Energy
GA: I Declare You Two Hopeless At Least For Today
GA: I Suppose Ill Try Again Tomorrow
GA: Goodbye You Idiots
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased responding to this memo! --
TG: just you and me qt
TG: that was funny and ironic because i called you a qt
TA: you dont have two explaiin your 2hitty humor two me you know.
GC: OK4Y D4V3 1M TOLD YOUR3 B31NG 4 HUG3 DOUCH3!!!!!
GC: PL34S3 PROC33D TO MY R3SP1T3BLOCK SO YOU C4N B3 4 DOUCH3 1N PR1V4T3.
TG: sorry rez but im kind of busy
GC: 1NCORR3CT
GC: YOU 4R3 N3V3R TOO BUSY FOR YOUR MO1R41L!
GC: TH1S 1S 4 RUL3. LOOK, 1 4M SCHOOLF33D1NG YOU ON TH3 4RT OF B31NG 4 GOOD TROLL, D4V3, JUST L1K3 YOU 4SK3D.
GC: GOOD TROLLS P4Y 4TT3NT1ON TO TH31R MO1R41LS.
GC: 4ND C34S3 4ND D3S1ST WH3N TH3Y 4R3 4SK3D TO BY 4 TROLL H1GH3R ON TH3 H3MOSP3CTRUM TH4N TH3Y 4RE. >:]
TG: not this blood color shit
TG: are you seriously pulling this crap on me
GC: 1T 4PP34RS TH4T 1 4M!!!
GC: G3T OV3R H3R3 STR1D3R.
GC: 1F YOU TH1NK 1 4M K1DD1NG YOU H4D B3TT3R R3TH1NK TH4T ST4T3M3NT!
TA: thii2 ii2 hiilariiou2
TA: go to your moiiraiil 2triider 2weetiie 2he2 waiitiing for you at the iinformatiion de2k
TG: wait do trolls have grocery stores too
TA: what
TA: ii wa2 referriing to a food-2upply 2torage zone dumba22
TA: no fuckiing clue what a "grocery 2tore" ii2
TG: hahaha same thing
GC: D4V3 1 4M W41T1NG.
TG: coming mother
GC: >:? DO 1 LOOK L1K3 4 MOTH3R GRUB, M1ST3R C4NDYV31NS? B3C4US3 1 W4S NOT UND3R TH3 1MPR3SS1ON 1 COULD L4Y YOUNG!!!
TG: did we need that mental image
TG: no we did not
GC: DO NOT CH4NG3 TH3 SUBJ3CT COOLK1D
TG: right fine coming god
TG: bye captor
TA: 2ee you, grubfuck.
GC: TH1S 1S D3C1D3DLY UNN3C3SS4RY!
GC: D4V3, G1T.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased responding to this memo! --
GC: 4ND YOU, 4PPL3B3RRY.
GC: YOU W4TCH YOUR ST3P.
GC: 1 ST1LL C4R3 LOTS 4BOUT K4RK4T, 3V3N 1F W3’R3 NOT TOG3TH3R ROM4NT1C4LLY 4NYMOR3, 4ND 1F YOU K33P HURT1NG H1M...
GC: L3T’S JUST S4Y TH3 L4W 1S NOT ON YOUR S1D3!
GC: S1NC3 W3’R3 1N SP4C3 4ND 1 1NV3NT3D 4LL TH3 SP4C3 L4WS. H3H3H3. >:]
TA: he2 my mate2priit tz
TA: of cour2e ii want him two be happy
TA: but 2triider get2 on my nerve2 okay
TA: ii cant ju2t leave thii2 alone
GC: YOU K1ND OF C4N
GC: 1T’S C4LL3D “JUST L34V1NG 1T TH3 FUCK 4LON3”
GC: SO WHY DON’T YOU, C4PTOR?
GC: 1’LL L34V3 YOU TO CONS1D3R TH4T.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] has ceased responding to this memo! --
TA: well ii gue22 iim alone now
CA: hey sol i figured out howw to get past the blocks
TA: 2hiitfuck
-- twinArmageddons [TA] has ceased responding to this memo! --
CA: roz wwhy does evveryone block me just like that
CA: arent i at all lovvable
CA: im comin over hope thats ok

==>[S???] 3X SHOOSHPAP COMBO

"Rose, I really have to talk to you," John says, bursting into Rose’s respiteblock.

“Hello, John,” Rose says, a little dryly, knitting needles pausing in midair. “Do come in.”

“I have a problem,” John says. “It’s kind of scary, and I’m kind of scared, and can we please talk?” He flops down on Rose’s leftover bed and sighs dramatically.

“This couldn’t have happened over Pesterchum?”

“It was important!”

“Please say they were joking,” Karkat says, first thing when Jade enters the room. “They’re not really fucking, right? They were kidding?”

“They didn’t even say that they were fucking! They’re definitely not. I don’t think they ever will! They don’t hate each other like that,” Jade assures him. “Do you have a pile?”

“Yeah,” Karkat says, gesturing to a pile of laundry in the back. “Sorry if it kind of stinks, but it’s my dirty clothes. Kind of all the pile I got.”

“That’s fine! Next time I’ll bring some squiddles and we can build up a better pile. How does that sound?”

“Awesome,” Karkat says, warmly, already calming down. “So you don’t think they’ll cheat on me?”

“No way,” Jade said. “Here’s why you shouldn’t worry.”

Eridan makes his way through the halls, wiping furiously at his cheeks beneath his glasses, even though he doesn’t appear to be crying. At least not anymore. He’s really hoping that he won’t run into anyone on the way to Roz’s room. Maybe, being the Prince of Hope and all, he’ll be lucky in that regard.

“...and I dunno, jutht, he’th so fucking...retarded,” comes Sollux’s voice from around the hallway.

Shit!

“Okay, so you know how I’m the only one of us who hasn’t actually filled any quadrants?”

“You haven’t?” Rose looks surprised.

John sighs. “Yeah! I guess you’ve been pretty preoccupied with your own. And it’s fine, it’s really cool that you’ve got those people, but I’m feeling kind of left out. It’s been a while that we’ve been trolls, and, I don’t know, I wish people would like me. Or hate me or whatever it is they do.”

“You’re perfectly...pitiable,” Rose answers. “I suppose. I don’t know. I don’t pity you, but I’m sure someone will. Just hold out, John.”

“Well, here’s the thing,” John says, leaning into Rose. “I don’t want someone to pity me.”

“You don’t? Are you in for hate, then?”

“Dave is just trying to get you jealous,” Jade explains. “Here, move a little bit – there. Now stay still! I don’t think Dave understands kismessitude very well! It seems like he thinks kismesises—“

“Kismeses,” Karkat corrects. “Damn, that feels good, Jade. What is this?”

“You don’t have massages on Alternia?” Jade clucks her tongue. “Anyway, it seems like Dave thinks kismeses are supposed to hurt each other all the time. What he doesn’t get is that they aren’t! At least, I don’t...think they are. Right?”

“Right,” Karkat confirms. “They’re supposed to hate you, not hurt you. Maybe piss you off a little. But Strider doesn’t exactly have to fucking try to piss me off.”

“Why do you hate him, anyway?” Jade is curious. She doesn’t get how anyone could hate Dave. He’s such a lovable guy!

“I don’t want to hurt KK, but what am I thuppothed to do when Thtrider’th all up in my fathe? It’th jutht a natural reaction.”

Eridan flattens himself against a wall and waits.

“Oh, Sollux, it’s going to be fine! But maybe you shouldn’t insult him so much. I was reading your log, you know, since it was public, and you were really kind of fishing for insults.”

Eridan winces again. It’s Feferi.

“It almost seemed a little desperate!” Feferi continues. They’re walking closer.

“I don’t want hate,” John says. “I want someone specific to pity me. And that’s the worst part about all of this!”

“Why’s that?”

“Because, well,” John says, biting his lip. “Okay, this has taken a while to admit to myself in my head! I don’t know how long it will take to say out loud.”

“That’s fine,” Rose says, setting her knitting down. “I can wait. Take your time, John. Feel comfortable with yourself.”

“Okay,” John says, taking a deep breath.

“It’s kind of like he’s, I don’t know, cheating off of me,” Karkat says. “Look at him, I mean – mm, damn, Jade, where did you learn to do this? But look at him. He’s got my horns and my blood and the only thing that distinguishes us is his stupid floppy hair and his even stupider shades. He could be me, if he didn’t spend an hour on his hair every morning and cursed some more. It’s scary, you know?”

“I guess,” Jade says. She doesn’t really get it, because nobody’s ever been like her. It’s hard to copy someone who’s so, well, politely, different.

“What about Sollux? He’s not doing it to hurt me.”

“I think he just doesn’t like Dave,” Jade says thoughtfully, careful not to scratch Karkat’s skin with her nails as she rubs his shoulders. “And Dave just ticks him off the little bit more he needs to get Sollux over the edge.”

“Do you think they’re going to...flip?” Karkat is panicking.

“No!” Jade says. “Of course not! They can’t. Even if they did, it’s not concupiscient, right? They wouldn’t have sex.”

“I’m not worried about that!”

“I’m pretty sure you are.”

“Okay,” Karkat admits. “I am. A little.”

“I’m not dethperate for a feud,” Sollux snorts. “Ethpethially not with that athhole. It’th not making KK happy and I hate that. You know I do.”

“Of course!” Feferi says cheerfully. Her voice is fading. They’re taking a separate course from Eridan. He breathes a little easier.

“Hey, FF,” he hears Sollux say, faintly, “thankth.”

“For what?” Her voice is melodic, sweet, and really quiet. Sollux says something else, but Eridan can’t make it out. They’re too far away.

He slips around the corner and keeps walking. There’s Roz’s respiteblock. He’ll just step right in.

“The thing is,” John says, taking in a deep, shaky breath. “Uh. This is so awkward! I’ve never felt like this before!”

“Like I said,” Rose says, “take your time. I have plenty of it with which to wait for you to collect your thoughts.”

John glances at the floor. “Okay, well, um, I think I might...maybe...be gay.”

The door opens with a bang.

“Oh my fuckin Gog,” Eridan breathes. “Roz? Are you cheatin on me?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jade says again. “They really don’t hate each other like that. Dave hates you. Sollux pities you. That’s not going to change!”

“Are you sure? But what if it does change?”

“It won’t,” Jade says, in a teasing groan. “You’re so worried about this! Don’t be. Just enjoy the two quadrants you’ve got that provide sex. Sex is good, right?”

“Okay, you’re being serious, right?”

“Totally serious,” Jade says, nodding, very seriously. “If sex is good, then enjoy it! I don’t know why you guys have to fuck every single night, but if that’s what you’re into or whatever, why don’t you just switch off nights that you spend with them? That keeps it fair. I mean, you could just not fuck them every single night, but that’s just me.”

“If I have the opportunity to fuck them every night, why wouldn’t I take it?”

“It just seems a little tiring! Don’t you get bored?”

“Bored,” Karkat says, very slowly. “Of. Sex.”

Jhn is sitting on a pile in Roz’s room. Eridan should’ve known this would happen. Nobody is faithful to him. Nobody pities him or even hates him enough to stay with him. He means nothing to anyone.

Roz’s face is white. “What are you talking about, Eridan?”

“You’re cheatin on me!” Eridan spits. “I kneww it! I kneww that you wwould. Nobody cares!”

“I care about you,” she says, getting up with a concerned look on her face. Eridan thinks it must be a mask, it must be. She’s cheating on him, look, the evidence is right fucking there. John is sitting on a pile, well, kind of a pile, and they’re talking, that’s a fucking jam! Eridan is so embarrassed for thinking this could work.

“Nobody coddamn cares about me,” Eridan says, pulling away. “Not evven you. Somethin I shoulda known!”

“Eridan,” Roz says, sighing. “I have known John for years. This was something very important, and he didn’t know where to turn, so he told me. Please calm down. This is hardly of any consequence.”

“It’s of lots’a consequence,” Eridan says. “You’re cheatin on me.”

“She’s not cheating on you,” Jhn says from the pile. He looks kind of sad. “I don’t even want to be her moirail.”

This is ridiculous. Rose watches Eridan’s face go from horrified to suspicious.

“Yeah, right,” he says. “More like she doesn’t wanna be mine.”

“Of course I want to be your moirail,” Rose says. “Why else would I be?”

“I dunno, maybe you pity me!”

“That’s the point,” Rose points out patiently.

“Platonically,” Eridan hisses.

“I am in pale with you, Eridan Ampora, what other evidence do you need?” Rose rolls her eyes.

“Maybe Jhn not being here!”

“Rose, please help,” John says, softly. “I just need some advice and then I’ll go and you guys can sort this out.”

“He doesn’t get any advvice! He’s not your moirail!”

“Just a couple of words,” John persists. “Please. I really need to know this is okay! I’m freaking out, Rose!”

“It’s not okay, wwhatevver it is,” Eridan says. “You suck! Please leavve noww!”

“Rose!”

“Roz!”

“Okay!” Rose thunders, in a timbre reminiscent of her grimdark period. “John, it is okay to be gay. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you have both male and female parts now, so it doesn’t actually matter. I wish you the best of luck with whomever you’ve decided to project your affections upon! And Eridan, for God’s sake, calm your furiously flapping gills for once! I pity you so much that I sometimes fear I may explode. You are ridiculously pitiful. Please. Shoosh. Shoosh.” By this time she is at Eridan’s side, papping his face with a ferocity that makes it seem more like a slap than anything.

“Okay,” John kind of squeaks, and then he runs out.

“You pity me,” Eridan says suspiciously.

“Of course, you massive retard,” Rose says indignantly. “If I say so, I mean so! Jesus Christ.”

“Jegus,” Eridan corrects. “His name’s Jegus.”

“Troll Jegus Christ,” Rose amends. “Now will you please, for the love of whatever troll deity you have, sit down on my bed and tell me why on Earth you’re so anxious tonight?”

“Okay, yeah,” Eridan says, taking a couple of deep breaths. “Sounds good.”

“I don’t know,” Jade says, hands pausing on Karkat’s neck. “I guess it just doesn’t seem very interesting to me.”

“Sex doesn’t seem interesting to you? Why’d you stop, keep going.”

Jade obeys, resuming the massage. “Not really! I mean, it actually seems kind of gross. I don’t think I’m going to try it very soon.”

“That is so weird,” Karkat says, shaking his head. “But to each their own, I guess?”

“Yeah,” Jade replies. She wonders if she’s supposed to be feeling awkward. She wonders what feeling awkward is supposed to feel like.

“Hey,” he says, breaking a moment of comfortable silence. “Why won’t you let me see them?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea until they have their feud sorted out,” she explains. “I’m not saying that you can’t see them ever again, because I don’t think they’ll ever get along, but they really have to calm down a little before they can see you without stressing you out.”

“I’m not stressed out!” Karkat complains.

“The muscles in your back say otherwise!”

Chapter Text

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

EB: dave? you there?
EB: helloooo?
EB: ugh fine. let me know when you come back! i will be here.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] is now an idle troll! --

TG: what
TG: oh hey
TG: sup egbert
EB: dave hey!
EB: i wanted to talk to you.
EB: are you busy?
TG: not yet
EB: yet?
TG: sollux just got online
EB: um?
TG: so basically im waiting for the shitstorm
EB: what...do you mean
TG: i mean
TG: whenever he logs onto trollian and sees me online
TG: he flips a thousand shits
TG: like its illegal for me to talk to people over the onlines or something???
TG: idk man he is one fucked up dude
EB: i dunno man!
EB: sollux seems pretty nice to me!
TG: haha wow and youre actually being serious
TG: no trust me hes a huge douche
TG: i cant believe karkat pities him
TG: but then again karkats a huge douche too so i guess birds of a feather flock together right
EB: uh
EB: yeah i guess???
EB: gosh dave you can be confusing.
TG: how i roll my blue brosquito
EB: haha, i am not an annoying buzzing insect dave.
TG: no you are not
TG: none of the above in fact
EB: aww you dont think im annoying?
EB: how sweet!
TG: yeah not compared to captor anyway
EB: um...
EB: right!
EB: dave can we talk?
TG: oh no
TG: oh god
TG: youre going to break up with me arent you
TG: i knew it
TG: i knew you were seeing another girl
TG: you just cant resist breaking my heart can you egbert
TG: god
TG: ill be in my room
TG: making a tumblr text post entitled "men are all the fucking same"
TG: itll get 10k notes
TG: yo egbert still there
EB: hahaha!
EB: dave you're so dumb.
TG: thank you
TG: thank you
TG: let me just take a bow here
EB: no but really.
EB: can we be serious?
TG: man i do not know about that
TG: i swore years ago i wouldnt do that shit anymore
TG: it hurts you deep you know
TG: i dont want to die young egbert
TG: im not going to waste my life away
EB: seriousness is not illicit drugs dave!
TG: yeah ok what did you want to talk about
EB: ok well
EB: jeez i don't really know how to say this!
EB: i've never really
EB: uhh
EB: this is so awkward.
TG: aint awkward til you make it awkward eggbro
EB: that nickname is so stupid.
TG: shut up you love it
EB: ok well
EB: yeah i kind of do!
EB: and that's what i wanted to talk about
TG: wait
EB: huh?
TG: oh my fucking jesus in a box of kitty litter
EB: ...sorry?
TG: guess which douche is trolling me
TG: THAT DOUCHE
TG: can this wait like ten seconds
EB: um
EB: i
EB: guess
EB: sure
TG: ok
TG: brb

-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TA: hey a22hole
TA: the fuck are you doiing onliine
TG: oh you know how i do
TG: just chillin
TG: talking to friends
TG: surfing the web
TG: looking at gay porn
TG: hbu
TA: wow ok 2o
TA: ii wa2 all ready two troll you all liike
TA: "dear mr 2triider ii am really 2orry for beiing 2uch a pii22a22 two your face. next tiime ii wiill try really hard two be a pii22a22 behiind your back 2o we wont fiight and make my mate2priit any more mentally damaged!"
TA: but then you had two go and be a douche
TG: wait so
TG: you expected different
TG: hahahahahaha
TG: hahahahahahahahahahaha
TG: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
TA: god
TA: maybe you can explaiin thiis to kk then??
TA: tell hiim ii fuckiing TRIIED but of cour2e you dont take no for a fuckiing an2wer do you??
TG: but did you try
TG: because i dont think you really did
TG: maybe you should try again
TA: youre not makiing iit ea2y on me
TG: if i did would it be any fun
TA: ugh
TA: 2eriiou2ly iif kk wa2nt already your kii2me2ii2
TA: GOD
TA: you are 2o iin2ufferable ii dont under2tand how you fiill any red quadrant2 ever
TG: guess its just my natural attractiveness huh
TG: im the resident pretty boy captor
TG: if you like
TG: hadnt noticed???
TA: re2iident jacka22 more liike
TA: look god iid really liike two keep readiing your riidiiculou2ly retarded red text but iive really got two go talk two kk
TA: ii really need to fiix thiing2 up wiith hiim
TG: hey hey
TG: no need to thank me
TG: i did it out of my own goodwill
TA: you really have no iidea what he2 goiing through
TG: no and
TG: wow look up there
TG: at the ceiling
TG: thats where the fucks i give are gathering for a party
TG: and it looks like
TG: ooh its a party of zero
TA: ok ii cannot deal wiith thii2??
TA: olliie2 fuckiing OUTIIE
TG: holla

-- twinArmageddons [TA] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]! --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] has blocked twinArmageddons [TA]! --

TG: sorry man
TG: why the fuck do we even bother blocking each other shit doesnt work with trollian anyway
TG: yo you there

-- ectoBiologist [EB] is now idle! --

TG: aw cmon man dont leave me in such suspense
TG: christ i thought this was supposed to be some serious talk
TG: not much of a serious talk when im the only one here
TG: ok w/e
TG: ill be here i guess
TG: just
TG: yknow
TG: scrolling through /b/
TG: like a fucking boss
TG: dude did i offend you or something
TG: sorry man i just
TG: hes my asspissbro or something idk
TG: ok seriously where the hell are you
TG: fine ok
TG: /b/ is boring

-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now idle! --

-- ectoBiologist [EB] started trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

EB: i can't do this.
TT: Sorry?
EB: i.
EB: can't.
EB: do.
EB: this.
TT: What's this?
EB: dave!
EB: can't do it.
EB: just can't.
TT: Wait, what?
EB: jesus fucking christ rose!
EB: i like dave!
EB: or pity him or whatever!
EB: but i can't do it!
EB: i can barely talk to him!
EB: i fucking hate feelings!!!
TT: Uh.
TT: John, I'm not sure I'm the best person to be talking to about this.
EB: why not???
EB: you're my friend and you're supposed to be a therapist and therapistfriends are supposed to help their patientpals, right???
TT: You're not exactly my patientpal, John.
TT: You need a moirail.
EB: why can't you be my moirail?
EB: i trust you!
TT: I already have a moirail, John.
EB: fuck him!
EB: i need you rose!
EB: i need you.
TT: No, you don't.
EB: why is everyone leaving me??
TT: John, please, just find someone. That's not me.
TT: yeah jhn
TT: thats not her
TT: fuck fuckin off
TT: Sorry. I know he doesn't have the best manners, but nobody's perfect, right?
EB: ok.
EB: look, i'm sorry to have butted in on your moirailship or whatever.
EB: i just don't have anyone.
EB: you're with eridan and jade's with karkat and i barely know anyone else here!
TT: What about Dave?
EB: ...
TT: What?
EB: rose, jesus christ!!!
TT: What?
TT: Oh.
TT: Oh, right.
TT: Um, that's a problem.
EB: you think so????
EB: gosh i had NO IDEA
TT: Eridan will have to excuse me a moment.
TT: John, please calm down.
TT: Don't give yourself a heart attack.
TT: Go back to Dave and talk to him.
TT: What's the worst that could happen?
EB: umm
EB: he could hate me forever?
TT: Wrong.
TT: He could not like you the same way.
TT: In which case, you'd forget about and be fine.
TT: You honestly think Dave is going to hate you forever for liking him?
TT: I think he'd rather like the attention.
TT: He's kind of like a peacock, in that way.
EB: sorry??
TT: You know, always preening.
TT: He likes attention.
EB: uh
EB: ok???
EB: so i just
EB: talk to him.
TT: revelation of the fuckin century
TT: god jhn is it reelly that hard
EB: rooooose!
TT: Oh for goodness' sake.
TT: Go.
TT: Tell Dave yes homo.
TT: Report back to me when you're done.
TT: and then stop wwhinin
EB: thanks eridan.
EB: you are so nice.
TT: yeah wwhatevver
TT: John, it's nothing to worry about, really.
TT: Just go.
EB: if you're sure...
TT: shes fuckin SURE
TT: gog
EB: ok ok i'm going!!!

-- ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

EB: dave?
TG: oh hey look whos back
EB: yeah
EB: its me!
EB: haha.
TG: so what was this great big important thing you wanted to tell me
EB: um
EB: well
EB: promise you won't laugh???
TG: why would i laugh at something supposedly serious
TG: contrary to popular opinion
TG: cough sollux captor cough
TG: i am not the biggest dick on the planet
EB: haha, no, no you aren't!
EB: but um.
EB: i probably wouldn't blame you if you laughed. it's kind of dumb.
TG: stop being self deprecating or ill have to put you on scenekids dot com
EB: does that even exist anymore???
EB: wait did that EVER exist??????
TG: yeah sure did
TG: i had a profile and everything
TG: gay man living in ontario canada
TG: i went to all the guys pages who were wearing plaid and commented
TG: "hot id let you chop down my tree"
TG: ";)"
EB: dave!!!
EB: that's like
EB: not really even a good metaphor for dicks.
TG: i know
TG: that was the most ironic part
TG: man was i proud of that profile
TG: anyway dude serious thing???
EB: right.
EB: uh.
EB: maybe i should just say it straight out?
TG: maybe you should stop stalling
TG: just type the words is it that hard
EB: that's what everyone keeps telling me!!!
EB: feelings are really hard dave.
EB: they are hard.
TG: and nobody understands et cetera
TG: cmon can we do this without memes
EB: wow color me surprised!!!
EB: ok.
EB: i'm doing this.
TG: dont go there man
TG: i will flip a shit
EB: ok ok!!!
EB: all right.
TG: finally
EB: dave?
TG: egbert
EB: i
EB: um
EB: i like you!
EB: in a yes homo way.
EB: ok?
EB: i don't really know how it happened but it did and i'm pretty sure i like you a lot and i want to go out with you and i want to cuddle with you on piles and give you kisses and maybe other stuff and i want to be your matesprit
EB: ok???
EB: is that all right with you???
EB: you don't have to say yes i guess just
EB: just
EB: just say something???
EB: dave???
EB: hello???

-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now offline! --

EB: fuck.
EB: fucking fuck fuck.
EB: fucking fuck fuck shit fuck.
EB: aaauuuughhh.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] has changed his mood to DESTESTFUL! --

Chapter Text

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
TG: TA: maybe you can explaiin thiis to kk then??
TG: TA: but of cour2e you dont take no for a fuckiing an2wer do you??
TG: TA: ugh TA: 2eriiou2ly iif kk wa2nt already your kii2me2ii2 TA: GOD TA: you are 2o iin2ufferable ii dont under2tand how you fiill any red quadrant2 ever
TG: ;)
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.
CG: HOLY SHIT.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG]! --
CG: NO. NO, YOU'RE NOT BLOCKING ME.
CG: NO.
CG: GET BACK HERE.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] reblocked carcinoGeneticist [CG]! --

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
CG: I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, I KNEW IT!
CG: WHY DID I LISTEN TO JADE?
CG: WHY DID I LISTEN TO YOU?
CG: I'M.
CG: EXCUSE ME WHILE I.
CG: AUGH.
CG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now offline! --
TA: 2hiit kk what
TA: come back
TA: what the hell happened

-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --
TA: 2hiit jade help
GG: hmm?
TA: kk ii2
TA: ok ii dont actually know
TA: 2omethiing really bad
TA: plea2e go fiind hiim
TA: ii have no clue what happened
GG: whoa whoa whoa!
GG: what are you talking about?
TA: he ju2t 2ent me a load of bull2hiit about how he knew thii2 wa2 goiing two happen and
TA: what iif 2triider diid 2omethiing dumber than u2ual??
GG: oh jeez.
GG: what do i do????
TA: go get hiim
TA: make 2ure he'2 ok and that he know2 ii am 2tiill madly iin piity wiith hiim??
GG: well ok but if i dont know what happened im not sure how much i can do!! :B
TA: but youll try, riight.
GG: of course!!
GG: ill report back to you as soon as i know something.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

==> BE THE RAGING MASS OF FURY AND ANGUISH.

You can't be Karkat right now! He's too busy fighting.

==> OKAY, FINE. BE THE PILE OF CUTS AND BRUISES.

You can't be Dave right now, either! He's too busy being unconscious.

==> GEEZ. BE THE CONCERNED MOIRAIL?

Nope, no Jade, either. Maybe you should try selecting the character who's not greyed out, dipshit.

==> WAIT, THE CONFUSED SEER? SHE'S BORING.

Yeah, well, she's all you've got!

==> FINE. BE ROSE, THEN.

You are now Rose Lalonde.

"Somethin' wwrong, Roz?" Eridan asks from the pile you and he have made of alchemized Beanie Babes and his shitty wands.

"I feel like..." You trail off. Something is very, very wrong, but you're okay. Eridan is okay. What on earth is giving you this feeling? (You're aware the phrase 'on earth' is inaccurate, but you are the Seer of Light. You do what you want.)

"Roz?" he says again.

"We should go to Dave's room," you say, without having a clue why.

"Why?" is of course his next question.

"Something is happening," you say, turning. "I don't know what it is, but we have to go."

"I trust you," Eridan says, eyes wide, and he stands. "Lead the wway."

So you do, taking off at a sprint, and Eridan watches you in surprise, still at a walk, until he decides to match your speed, racing after you.

You reach Dave's room and throw open the door, unsure of what you expect to see.

Whatever it was, it wasn't this.

Your first thought is that you're interrupting one of their late-night sex sessions, but it's barely early afternoon. Your second thought is that there is red blood all over the floor, and you're not sure whose it is. Your third thought is that Dave is unconscious, sprawled on the ground with his head at an odd angle, tangled in the wires of his computer.

"Roz," Eridan pants from behind you. "That ain't fuckin', Roz, Karkat wwants to kill him!"

"Shit!" you say, diving for Karkat's hands. Eridan goes for his legs. You somehow manage to pull Karkat off Dave just as Jade comes running in.

"What the hell happened?" she says with wide eyes, scanning the scene anxiously. "Is everyone okay?"

"Fucking," Karkat spits out. "You piece of shit." He struggles in your arms.

"Jade," you say, "we could probably use you."

"Right," Jade says, snapping back to attention. She kneels down next to Karkat and nervously paps his cheek a couple of times.

He keeps struggling, and you're getting tired of it, so you pick him up by the wrists with all your highblood strength and dump him on the bed.

"Stay put," you hiss at him in the most commanding, arrogant highblood's voice you can muster, shaking his hands for good measure "or I swear on the horrorterrors I will dismember you piece by piece of your ungrateful lowblood body."

He shrinks back into himself, still looking for all the world like he'd murder Dave as soon as look at him, but more confused now than anything.

"Whoa," Jade says, standing over Dave's prone body. "I didn't know you could do that, Rose!"

Eridan is nodding appreciatively. "Wwell done," he says.

You nod back, dignified. "I've been practicing."

"I'll take him from here," Jade offers.

You trade Karkat's wrists to Jade and kneel by your poor bloodied ecto-brother. On further inspection, Karkat only has a few cuts around his face. Dave is dripping with blood. You survey the damage: one split lip, a nasty-looking gash on his cheek and one above his brow, one eye that is already beginning to blacken, a wrist in a rather unsettling position, cuts on his arms and legs, and there will almost certainly be more bruises. Most concerning is the angle of his head.

"Anything else I can't see?" you say sharply.

For a second nobody answers you, perhaps because they don't know who you're speaking too, but you aren't thinking totally clearly so you spin around and snap, "Karkat Vantas, tell me exactly what happened or I will kill you slowly."

"He fucked my matesprit," Karkat spits, struggling again. Jade tries furiously to shoosh him, but he's getting on a roll now. "He fucked him and I came here to teach him a fucking lesson about what's mine! Let me go, Jade! Let me finish the grubfuck off right there!"

"I don't care for your ridiculous motivation," you say impatiently. "Tell me what happened. Did he hit his head?"

"I guess," he says moodily. "I came in and threw him off of his chair, and he fell into the wires."

You survey those, too. The Internet cable appears to have snapped under their combined weight.

"Did he fall unconscious after you started hitting him, or before?"

"I don't know," he mumbles, glaring at Jade as he gives his wrists another yank.

"You're going to hurt yourself that way," Jade says sternly, yanking right back. She glances at you. "He really might not remember, Rose. When you get into the heat of battle..."

You sigh. "I just want to know if he might have a concussion. Do trolls get concussions?" You glance at Eridan for confirmation.

He shrugs. "Nep or Fef might knoww. Maybe Kan. They'vve done medicine stuff before."

Well, best to get to business, then. Dave is certainly going to need some medical care and you can't give it to him on the floor. "Jade, get Karkat to his room," you direct. "Eridan, if you could fetch one or two, or better yet, all three of them, and bring them back here? I will also need some sort of neck brace and a stretcher, as quickly as possible. I need to get him to the bed, but without knowing if he's got a spinal injury I can't just be moving him this way and that." You pause. "Oh. And I'll need Equius, too."

Jade salutes and drags Karkat out of Dave's room. Eridan gives one last glance to Dave, and then another to you, and then hurries out to do your bidding.

My, you are good at this highblood stuff.

==> CAN I BE DAVE YET?

Okay, fine. You can be Dave now. You whiny baby.

==> BE DAVE.

You are now Dave Strider.

Your eyes open to a whole lot of red blood.

"Who died," you croak at the nearest shadowy figure.

Whoever it is jumps and says in a voice that belongs to your ecto-sister: "You're awake."

"Sure am," you say.

"How are you feeling?"

"More like how is whoever got beat up feeling," you start saying, but you only get to about the second syllable before everything starts feeling like it got put through a blender.

"Karkat beat you up," Rose says, almost apologetically. She is dabbing a stinging liquid onto your left cheek.

"That fuckwit couldn't beat up a fly," you manage to say. Her shadow leans in closer, inspecting your face.

"Your nose might be broken," she says finally. "I wasn't sure before, but that might be why your eye blackened so quickly."

"What'd he do?" you mumble, realizing all at once that your face hurts, along with everything else.

"Several cuts and bruises, definitely a black eye, might have a concussion, and your wrist is either badly sprained or fractured," she says. "Kanaya and Feferi are trying to get an X-ray machine alchemized."

"Why," you say.

Her face comes a little more into focus; she's giving you a stern mother-glare. "You set this up."

"Yeah, damn, I get off to getting my fucking wrist fractured. What the hell?"

"You kind of do," she says.

"No, not fucking really!"

"You practically encouraged this," she says. "Everyone saw the log." She pauses. "Almost everyone."

"Almost?"

"Most people have been involved in this...fiasco," she says. "We got Equius and Nepeta over to help with moving you to the bed and such, while Kanaya and Feferi try to find the necessary materials. Jade is keeping Karkat occupied, Sollux is panicking in the hallway outside Karkat's room, and most everyone else is gossiping in the computer lab. Dave, this has got to be one of the stupidest things you've ever done."

"Nah, I've done worse," you say. You probably have. You just can't really think of anything at the moment. It's kind of hard to think of anything at the moment. Your mind is drifting and your eyes are drifting and what is that on your screen.

Rose sees where you're staring and says, "What?"

"John sent me like a fuckton of messages," you say. "Look, it's popped up on the screen."

"Oh," she says. "I suppose he did."

It suddenly dawns on you. "We were talking," you say. "And then that jackass came in, right after he said he had something to tell me, and - I don't remember a lot after that."

"I shouldn't think so, you were unconscious." Rose doesn't seem particularly interested in telling you what John said. She's amusing herself bandaging your face.

"What did he say?" you press.

"Nothing to trouble yourself with," Rose answers.

"No, what the hell," you say. "Can you read that, please."

"No, you'll stress yourself."

There is a shadow in your periphery so you raise your uninjured arm (still hurts, but a little less than the other one) and say, "Yo, read me that log, whoever you are."

"Umm?" the shadow says, a little uncertainly. You guess it's Nepeta.

"Please don't," Rose advises her.

"Nepeta," you say. "I really, really need you to read me that text." You weren't really worried about it earlier, but the fact that Rose is so insistent on you not reading it makes you feel like it's really important.

"Ummmm," she says again.

"It won't take long," you coax.

She goes over to the computer, scans it, and you hear a little squeal, but she's out of your line of sight now.

"What?"

"Shipping," she coos.

"'Scuse me?"

"Nepeta," Rose says in a low, dangerous voice.

"Rose, how could you keep this from Dave? It's adorable!"

"Nepeta, he will stress--"

"'I like you,'" Nepeta chirps. "'In a yes homo way! Okay? I don't really know how it happened, but it did, and I'm pretty sure I like you a lot, and I want to go out with you and I want to cuddle with you on piles and give you kisses and maybe other stuff, and I want to be your matesprit, okay? Is that all right with you? You don't have to say yes, I guess, just say something! Dave? Hello?'" She pauses. "I'm pretty sure this is about where you blacked out and your Internet stopped working! Well, after that he basically says a lot of bad words that Equius says I'm not allowed to use. Isn't that cute? Are you two going to redrom? I have to update my wall! Oh, gosh, oh gosh oh gosh!"

You sit up. At least, you try to sit up. Then your head spins and you kind of just...lie back down again. You have to get up. That's all that's going through your head. Where's John? Does he know what's happening?

"Nepeta," Rose says from between clenched teeth. "I said I wanted your help."

"I'm helping," Nepeta objects.

"That was the very last thing on the list of things I wanted you to do," Rose says, giving her that glare she does so well.

"Mother of fuck," you say loudly, "where is John?" Your voice hurts your own head.

"It's not best for you to see him in this condition," Rose begins, but you grab her shoulder with your good hand.

"Where. Is. John."

"He's been shut up in his room," Rose mutters. "We tried to inform him, but he wouldn't listen to us."

"For fuck's sake," you hiss. "Someone get him, since I obviously can't."

"I will," Nepeta announces. "There is nothing so purrecious as true pity, and no injury can get in the way of that!"

"Nepeta," Rose begins again, but you grip her shoulder even harder (despite the fact that it makes your whole back hurt) and she is too busy giving you a death glare to notice Nepeta slipping out.

When she notices she curses you out for several minutes.

You can tell she's finished when she returns to bandaging up your face; you take the opportunity to tell her, "That was pretty unladylike of you, Lalonde."

"Just because I am a female does not mean I am required to support romance - you are stressing yourself, David, your heart rate has gone up--"

"Yo," you say, letting your arm drop back to your side. "I meant the cursing."

"Well," she says, flushing. "It's not as if I've never been on the Internet, Strider."

"Yeah, yeah," you say. "Ow fuck watch it with that goddamn shit."

"It's peroxide," Rose says severely. "It took Kanaya nearly twenty minutes to get the code right. Be grateful that you are getting such quality medical care."

"Whatever."

She dabs at a cut above your eyebrow for a moment and then says, "What about John?"

"What about him?"

"What are you going to say to him?"

"I'm going to tell him to wait until I can stand up without keeling over and then I'm going to kiss him like he ain't never been kissed."

She pauses. "Are you serious?"

You close your eyes, unwilling to answer such a dumb question, and then your eyes fly open again. "Shit, are my shades broken?"

"Does that matter?" she says incredulously.

"Fuck yes it matters, he gave them to me."

She shakes her head. "I think this is a terrible idea. What if he comes down to see you?"

"He's not going to have a fucking panic attack."

"I'm more worried about you than him," she says, sternly. "If you get up..."

"You'll skin me alive, yeah, yeah, I got you," you say, waving your hand, realizing too late that's your bad one. "Shitshitshit. Holy shit. Can we fucking wrap this bitch up."

She shakes her head, but you think you can make out the hint of a smile. "Just until we can get the X-ray set up, and then we'll have to see if it's broken."

"Don't care," you say, "just do something about it. Also can I get some morphine."

"Absolutely not," she says, "but I do have some Tylenol if you'd like it?"

"Gimme."

Chapter Text

==> BE THE ONLOOKER.

"I hope Dave's condition won't be too alarming, but at least you'll understand why he couldn't respond to you immediately!" Nepeta's voice echoes from the hallway.

"Not a single pun," you remark, settling on the chair (helpfully provided by Equius) next to the bed. "She's being more sober than usual."

"This is going to be awkward," Dave says.

"Why is that?"

"Well, I can't kiss him unless he wants to open my lip again," Dave says. He gives you a sideways glance.

"Dave," you say. "Not all relationships are about kissing."

"No, but all kissing is about relationships."

You're taking a moment to process this, trying to figure out if he meant that to make zero sense or not, when Nepeta clears her throat from the doorway.

"You have a visitor," she announces, and then clears out.

John is left standing there alone, looking like rather like a deer in headlights.

"Hey," Dave says from the bed.

"Oh my God," John says in a really small voice.

"It's Gog, dude," Dave says. He taps his horns with his good hand. "When in Alternia."

"Technically, we're not on Alternia," you say thoughtfully.

This time, the sideways glance Dave gives you, though of mild appearance, burns through your very soul.

"Oh, dear, was that out loud?" you say, tilting your head and offering a gracious smile.

All of a sudden, things are very quiet.

"I'm sorry," John says finally.

"What for?" Dave half-smiles and half-winces. A split lip will do you that to you.

"I didn't know, this," John gestures.

"Are you just going to stand in the doorway?" you interject. "I assure you, it's much more interesting if you come over and examine all his cuts and bruises."

John looks, wide-eyed, between you and Dave, and takes a tentative step towards the bed.

"It's not as bad as it looks," Dave offers.

You're about to say that it's actually worse, and Dave likely has a broken wrist and perhaps a broken nose and maybe even a concussion, but the look on John's face is so sad (not unlike a puppy who's been swatted with newspaper for peeing in the house) that you just don't say anything.

"Dave," he says, "it looks really bad."

"Aw," Dave says, raises his bad hand, and immediately lets it fall again with a hissed profanity.

"Dave," John says again, the word coming out in a sort of keen.

Some time ago, this would have been ridiculous to you: the idea that you are actually able to smell the pity on someone. But right now you are one hundred percent positive that is what's happening. Had you been forced to manufacture the scent as perfume, you would call it something along the lines of warm and heavy, reminiscent of freshly baked bread or the air outside just after a storm.

You suddenly feel uncomfortable being the onlooker here.

You rise and leave the two of them to their own devices.

==> OKAY, SINCE THAT POINT OF VIEW IS LOST.

You are now Nepeta Leijon.

You are not hiding in the grate in the wall, please be quiet and do not reveal your cover!!!

This is an important moment in the quadrant lives of these two young trolls and you are here only to record it for posterity.

But enough about you! Back to the pity party happening below.

==>

John kneels at Dave's bedside, silent, eyes cataloguing every injury.

"I'm okay," Dave says.

John, still silent, puts his hand on Dave's good one.

"You don't have to worry, dude," Dave tries.

John lets out a long sigh and rests his cheek on the bed, right next to Dave's, and just keeps it there.

His glasses are getting shoved to the side of his head and the position doesn't look comfortable, but he doesn't even seem to notice. He has manoeuvred his head so that he doesn't hit Dave with his horns, but other than that has made no concessions.

==>

"Pawssibly the most adorable thing I have effur seen," you whisper into the recording device for future reference.

Dave's eyes shoot towards you for a split second, and you are sure he sees you! Your cover is blown!

Abscond or abide??? Abscond or abide???

But he only smiles that curious little half-smile of his, the one you have only recorded evidence of in the presence of either Terezi or Rose, and closes his eyes.

You spend almost a half hour there recording it before you realize they are actually both asleep, and then oh boy, do you feel silly!

But you have the footage. You have it.

You turn in the grate and follow the path you know so well back to your den. The chalk you stole from Terezi a few months ago lies enticingly in front of your shipping wall. Uploading the footage can wait one more second!

You select the red chalk (for redrom, also the hardest chalk to take from Terezi's villainous grasps) and approach Dave Strider's square.

==> SURVEY.

The pale quadrant is decorated by a diamond drawn in white hovering above the heads of two artfully drawn figures: one with nubby horns and shades, and one with slightly less nubby horns and the glasses of a wicked chalk-kidnapping legislacerator! Oh, are they purrfect for each other or what. You had them pegged from day one!

Beneath it is a clubs sign, (drawn in green, because appurrently the trolls who make chalk didn't consider the shippers!) decorating the heads of the same troll wearing shades, a troll with white squiggles all around her (denoting shininess), and a scowly troll with glasses. There are lots of notes on this one. Lots of question marks and some crossed-out spades and some redrawn spades, and, well, you're a little confused on this quadrant! You are sure things will become clear in time.

Next to that is the spades sign. When you first drew up these serious quadrant charts for the new trolls, this was the first one you wrote in - the one that inspired you to make them, in fact! Before, when they were still squishy, Equius forbade you to make quadrant charts, saying that the humans didn't subscribe to them, but after the change he had no excuses at all! Hee, hee.

But you're getting off track! You tap the spades quadrant (inhabited by the shades troll and a totally different scowly troll) and ponder the drawing.

With today's latest developments, you're not sure this can be one of your ships anymore! Of course it is expected for a kismesis to hurt a little. Bruises are fine, blood drawn is all right. But to hurt Dave like Karkat did is unhealthy in a kismessitude. This is ranging on a blood feud, and blood feuds aren't ships - they're scary.

But we musn't think of that, you berate yourself, because today is a good day! Today is a day for the most beautiful red romance to ever grace this asteroid. At least, in your opinion!

With great sweeping motions, you draw a red heart on the shipping wall, and follow it up with a hasty drawing of the two pitymates. They are so cute you can hardly stand it.

There. You step back, admiring your work. Then you frown.

Dave's shipping chart looks full, but to a purrfessional such as yourself, you can easily identify the signs of a ship in trouble! Both of his blackroms are in danger of becoming unhealthy, and you only hope those ships have the strength to float.

No, it's too sad! You can't look at this anymore. You have to focus on the pawsitives.

==> UPDATE JOHN'S SHIPPING CHART.

All righty! Sounds good.

His chart is so unfurtunate. No quadrants filled at all! You feel a little sorry for him, platonically, of course. You already have a meowrail! You can only hope that someone falls for him, palewise, and soon. He could probably use it.

But moving on! You have a redrom to update!

You do so. Finally, John filled a quadrant! You are so proud of him.

==> LOOK AT YOUR SHIPPING CHART.

The whole thing???

No! That's private!!!

==> LOOK AT THE SHIPPING CHART OF THE NEW TROLLS.

Fine!!!

It's pretty well-filled out, actually. Who knew they would be so popular, once available?

(Well, you did, but you didn't know this would happen, specifically! You only predicted it in your fanfictions.)

Actually, these charts really are full. It almost looks like...the story of the new trolls is almost over.

But not yet! No, not yet. Poor John still needs someone to jam with. Dave still needs to fix up his blackroms. And, well, being the responsible young troll you are, you remember that you need to fix up Dave!

It's probably about time to head back to Dave's bedside. They've gotten a nice nap in by now, and Kanaya might have gotten the X-ray machine to work - you have to make sure Dave's poor wrist is okay!

You put your chalk back in its proper place and head back. Through the halls this time, though. People always seem to react kind of oddly when you enter through the grates! You know, it's so weird, but hey, if it makes them happy!

Chapter Text

==> BE THE MEDIC MEDDLER.

Your name is Kanaya Maryam, and you wish Equius would just pick up the radiation imaging device already.

He's staring at it as if it is some daunting task, but for the sake of the Mother Grub, you could probably pick it up yourself if Equius hadn't insisted!

"Equius," you say, rather dryly, "if you truly insist on carrying it to spare my 'delicate arms', which, if you'll excuse my language, is utter hoofbeastshit, then you had better pick the thing up."

"I am considering the best way to go about it," he says, indignant.

"The best way to pick something up, in my experience, is to pick it up," you say, haughtier than you intended, and his face goes stony.

"I would thank you for speaking to a member of a higher class in a more respectful manner," he begins, but you cut him off.

"I would thank you for bringing the radiation imaging device to Dave's room, and don't take your time about it!"

Before Equius can get really angry, you abscond into the hallways, striding down to Dave's room to see if Feferi or Nepeta have returned to the scene of the crime, as it were.

You bump into Nepeta on the way - literally, smacking into her shoulder - so you suppose she's not yet there.

"Kanaya!" she purrs. "I just got to add a new ship to my wall, isn't that exciting?"

"What?"

"I've waited days and days for this to be canon, Kanaya, you've got no idea, I'm just so thrilled--"

"Who?"

"John and Dave," she hums, giving you a little hug around the waist. "So exciting! Terribly exciting. They were a ship of mine from day one, I tell you! Day one. I'm having difficult with his pale quadrant, though. I just can't purrlace him! Any thoughts?"

"I can't say I've considered John's quadrants--"

She releases you with the glint in her eye you have come to know means you should be frightened. "Wait, I know, I know! Thank you, Kanaya, you've been a great help!"

"Sorry?"

"I know exactly what I'm going to do now," she says.

"You mean after you help me create an image of Dave's possibly broken bone."

She wilts a little, but the glint in her eye is still there, so you suppose you still haven't squashed whatever idea she's cooking up. "Yes, fine."

You make your way to Dave's room in relative silence. Normally Nepeta would be jumping all over you, but she seems to be occupied by her plans of filling John's quadrants, and doesn't bother you at all.

"Are you two awake?" Nepeta calls into the room.

"If they weren't before, they are now," you sigh.

She gives you a confused look, but bounces through the doorway. No Feferi here, it seems. "How are you feeling, Dave?"

"Ugh," he replies. "Where's the Tylenol? Rose promised."

"Tylenol? What's that?" Nepeta asks. "Ah! I hear Equius! One moment!" She skips out into the hallway again.

"The pain medication?" you ask him.

"Did you not get anything for it yet?" John asks in a soft voice.

"Sleep," Dave says.

"You were only asleep for like an hour," Nepeta announces. "Beep, beep, beep! Move your behind, Kanaya!"

You turn and quickly back up. Nepeta is helping her moirail push the radiation imaging device into the room, and it's big and rather daunting.

Equius pushes it up the wall, without really using Nepeta's input at all, and turns to you with an open mouth.

"Equius!" Nepeta says with a huge smile. "Let's go alchemy up some painkillers for Dave, okay? Kanaya will be better at operating this hunk of junk anyway!"

He scowls, closing and opening his mouth rather like a fish, but allows himself to be dragged away.

"Dave, do you think you're able to get up?"

"My legs ain't broken, Marya--shit dang," he hisses, sitting at halfway position. "My head feels like it got steamrollered."

"You may very well have a concussion," you say. "John, do you mind--"

You really didn't even have to ask. John is already helping Dave to his feet. They do make a cute couple, you must say, particularly with the contrast they present: John, vaguely muscled, horns arching a good six inches above Dave's, a gentle giant biting his lip with worry; Dave, cut and bruised, fragile, a grey wraith in John's arms. Had you seen them in a healthier situation, you still would've been impressed with the startling difference between the two - it's almost something an artist made up, not reality, and you can see now why Nepeta liked their combination so much. The aesthetics.

You can almost hear your matesprit's voice in your head - Kanaya. You're rambling.

"Where do you need him?" John asks, and you realise then that he is carrying most of Dave's weight with his arms wrapped around his torso. "I can help him stand, if you need it."

"Guh, I'm fine," Dave starts to say, but even you can see he's wobbling.

"That might be necessary," you drawl.

"X-rays aren't healthy," Dave says. "You're not gonna get radiation exposure just because I can't stand up without sitting back down again."

"I don't think X-rays have quite the negative effect on trolls that they do on humans," you begin.

"X-rays aren't bad for humans," John says, waving you off. "Just if you have, like, a thousand X-rays. Why, doesn't radiation hurt trolls too?"

"A lot is required to do any sort of damage."

"You don't have cancer," Dave says.

"Well, yes, but--" You pause. "It's not a common occurrence. We have other things to worry about." You don't mention that on Alternia, trolls with cancer were simply culled rather than treated; it was a lot easier, but you don't think the once-humans would understand the reasoning behind it.

John is about to say something else when Dave says, "Can we take the X-ray already so I can lie back down?"

"Certainly," you say. "Just stand right, um, here. I think that's where you need to stand."

"Kanaya!" Feferi's voice comes from behind you. "You're doing this all wrong! Here, boys, stand right here."

"Excuse me for being unable to operate a complicated scientific radiation imaging device--"

"You're excused, love," she interrupts, dashing over to the control panel, "it's harder than it looks. Can you hold up his wrist, John, dear? Thanks - yes, that's perfect. Kanaya, back up again, we're not X-raying you, are we? Hold it right there, Dave." She presses a button and something whirrs.

"I could have done that," you start again, but she holds up a hand to silence you, like the radiation imaging device simply will not work if there is an overabundance of snark in the atmosphere.

"Okay, there's a monitor on here, isn't there?" Feferi glances at you.

"Just on the side."

She nods decisively and dips her head around the corner of the device. "Oh! Right here! Really, I ought to use my eyes more often!" She giggles.

"Can I sit back down now," Dave says.

"Shore, dear," she says, a little absentmindedly, squinting at the picture. "Kanaya? Mind taking a look at this?"

"Of course," you say, gliding to her side. John helps Dave back into bed, and this time slides in next to him; you don't say anything. You doubt John would do anything to hurt Dave. He would probably even avoid accidents as if they were the Vast Glub.

"Oh, my," you say. You've never seen a fractured wrist before, but the bone doesn't look like it should, at least, it doesn't look like you've seen it in anatomy textbooks. You glance back at the bed. "Dave, is your wrist swollen?"

"It's swollen," John reports. "Not too badly, but it's definitely bigger than the other wrist."

"I should go get some ice," you mutter. "We've let that go for too long."

"You're fantastic medics," John assures you.

"I think you mean fin-tastic," Feferi singsongs. "Go ahead and get the ice, Kanaya! I'll see if I can figure out how to make up this plaster."

"Oh, goody, I get a cast," Dave deadpans. "We've got a master pack of Sharpies on hand, right? Right?"

"I'll get some of those too," you offer.

"Make sure there's a blue one!" John yells as you retreat into the hallway.

The block where the alchemiter resides is occupied by Nepeta, but not Equius. You wonder idly where he's gone, but decide not to press the matter.

"Who have you decided on to set up with John?" you ask, sidling up to her.

She gives you a look. "I can't tell you that! It would ruin the purrprise."

"That was a bad one."

She thinks on it. "On the contrary, I was rather fond of it."

"Pardon me, then," you say. "We need some Sharpies and ice."

"Did he break his wrist?"

"Probably," you say. "It's a bit hard to tell, but that's what it looks like."

She makes a pouty sad face. "I'm going to draw a cat on his cast to cheer him up! He's going to love it."

"I'm sure he will," you say.

She is silent for a moment, tapping at the touch screen on the console, and then she says suddenly, "I am so excited to fix John up."

"Spill," you say in a voice you hope is commanding.

"I will not!" she giggles. "You'll see when it comes, like everyone else! Besides, we've got things to sort out before I even start the plan."

"Like what?"

"Like figuring just what made Dave think it was a good idea to set Karkat off like that." Her voice has gone somber.

A little white bottle appears on the platform, and you take the console over as Nepeta snatches it up into her sylladex. "I think it's fairly obvious," you say. "Dave provoked him."

"But who provoked Dave into provoking Karkat? There's more behind it than Dave just being dumb," Nepeta says sagely.

"Sollux, then."

"There's more at work than two vengeful concupiscent-mates," she says, shaking her finger at you. "Mark my words! And I intend to figure out why."

"Detective Nepeta," you say, mostly as a joke, but her face lights up like an electricity-powered light-emitting glass construct.

"I like that!" she says. "I like that a lot!"

"Maybe you should go bring those painkillers to Dave."

"I'll go do that, yes," she says, somber again, and flees into the hallway.

Nepeta is a bewildering specimen, for sure, but the notion is quickly dismissed by your frustration at the alchemiter for its insistence on having no idea how to make ice. For goodness's sake, it's frozen water, you dumb machine! Frozen water. How difficult is that?

Chapter Text

==> BE JADE HARLEY.

"So, mister," you say, tossing your captive firmly on his stupid ass onto the floor of his respiteblock. "Why don't you tell me just why you're being such a fuckass?"

Karkat has spent the entire time you've been dragging him back to your room whining and complaining and trying to drag himself out of your grasp, so fuckass is definitely a warranted word! What a brat! Ugh, he makes you so upset sometimes.

"It was fucking Strider," Karkat snaps, "he decided to go and - and psych me out--"

"He psyched you out? Is that your reasoning behind beating him up? I'm pretty sure he broke something, Karkat! He broke something! You broke Dave!"

Karkat's face flushes deep red, and his eyes narrow, and from somewhere deep in his throat comes a rumbling threat of a growl that's nothing like you've ever heard anything - troll or otherwise - make before. It startles you into falling to the floor. Ow, gosh, your tailbone!!!

You recover quickly, once you realise he's trying to get up and leave, and slide across the floor to grab his wrists. "Fuckass, you are staying right where you fucking are!" He keeps struggling. Time to do the moirail thingy.

"Shoosh!" you yelp as his claws scratch your palm a little. You wrap one of your hands around both of his wrists and use the free hand to smack his cheek, fiercely and furiously and pale-fully. "Fucking darnit, Karkat, pap!"

He hisses at you, but it's not quite so vindictive as that last one. That one was scary.

"Calm down," you say. "Calm down and tell me why in fuck you thought that was a good idea!"

He lowers his eyes to the ground and his wrists go a little limp. "Strider sent me messages about how much Sollux hated him, and I thought - fuck me, Jade, I thought I'd lost them both."

"How could you possibly have lost them both?" You crawl over a little more and lean your head on his shoulder, still keeping a little grip on his hands. "Dave is always going to hate you. Haven't you ever seen him around you? And Sollux still would've pitied you even if he had done the unthinkable and gotten with Dave, hate-wise. Which is again dumb! So basically, you're dumb." You pause, unsure of how to get him to understand the gravity of the situation. "Just...really dumb."

He is staring at you with half-lidded eyes and a thin-lipped frown. "And what if he had? What if they had gotten together, and Sollux spent all his time with Dave like - like I've been doing with him? Oh my fucking god, he's got to hate me. Just thinking about it - if someone did that to me - if someone ignored me like that, someone that I loved - I would not hesitate to disembowel them."

"Would you?"

"Of course! They need to be there for me, and I wasn't there for Sollux when I should've been. Or all this could've been prevented."

A-ha, you think in triumph, we are reaching an epiphany. "So do you feel bad for hurting Dave?"

"No," he says, snappishly. "He was the one who was a dick. Not me."

"But you hurt Sollux."

"Did I?" He suddenly looks so much like a kicked puppy that you kind of feel bad for saying anything at all.

Your phone rings. Ooh, gosh darn, right in the middle of a feelings jam! You hold up a finger and he looks away. You take the opportunity to read the message Nepeta has left you, and have to stifle a big grin. You are being serious in this conversation! Can't just be happy out of nowhere, whoops!

You tap him on the shoulder, retrieving your serious face, and he turns around, the corners of his mouth turned down. "You left him alone. He wanted to be with you like always and you left him alone for Dave."

"I kind of...like Dave," he says, almost mournfully.

"Because he's something new."

"No! Because--"

"Because he's something different," you offer.

He turns his head to give you a vicious glare. "Have you been fucking taking lessons from Lalonde, or what?"

"Shoosh!" you announce, papping his face gently. "Shoosh. But what if I have? Is there something wrong with that, Karkat?"

"It's fucking annoying, that's all," he mutters, finally pulling his wrist out of your grasp and crossing his arms.

"But we're almost to the point where I can ask you to apologise to Dave," you say.

"What? No." He crosses his arms even tighter. Oh boy, does he look grumpy!

"It's important to apologise to people when you do something wrong," you say, putting an arm around his shoulder. "And I didn't even learn that from Rose! I learned that from being alive."

"You didn't even live with people."

"But I talked to them online! And who's to say Bec wasn't people?"

"He was a woofbeast with fucking unlimited teleportation black magic, of course he wasn't fucking people."

You sigh with impatience. "That is not my point and you know it, Karkat Vantas!"

"You want me to apologise when I've done nothing wrong."

This is not going as well as you had hoped. "You did do something wrong, though. How do you think Sollux feels?" You pause again. "How do you think John feels?"

"John?" He looks confused.

"Nepeta messaged me a couple minutes ago saying that John and Dave are together," you say, proud.

"Together, together?"

"Together, together," you confirm. "Also, Dave's wrist is broken."

Karkat looks ashamed. As sad as his ashamed face looks, you've at least made your goal! Maybe you can do this after all.

"John was really sad when he saw the shape Dave was in."

"What did I do to him?" His voice is very quiet.

This is one of the reasons you like Karkat so much - he is so much more delicate than he seems. He is a beautiful specimen of a person and you are so glad to be close to him and you really just want him to be happy, in all of his quadrants. And the fact that his kissing quadrants are both in disarray, that makes you really sad, because kissing quadrants are important, for kissing purposes, and apparently kissing is good or something. Okay, so you don't really get it, but Karkat likes kissing! And he likes being in love with Sollux and he likes being in hate with Dave. And he can't do that when everything sucks. So it's your job, as someone who cares about him, to fix it! Or at least help it along.

But enough of that monologue. You are supposed to be informing Karkat of Dave's injuries.

You rattle off the ones that Nepeta told you (she ranted for a few paragraphs about how cute they were together, and how hard she shipped them, and then ended the message with a quick word about the injuries they were treating, and an invitation to "sign Dave's arm", whatever that meant) and he does not say anything.

"John is upset," you tell him.

"John is a cool guy," he says.

"He is! And you know what? So is Dave. No matter how much you hate him for whatever weird reason."

He makes a noise that is halfway between a scoff and a sigh.

"Don't be so dramatic," you say. "Just apologise to him."

"I don't like him," he says, rather unnecessarily in your opinion.

You scowl at him. "I don't care if he's your least favourite person in the whole gosh damned world! You apologise to people you made unhappy because that's the decent-person thing to do, and that is my last word on it!"

He doesn't say anything, so you stand up. "I'm going to go sign Dave's cast. If you're going to be an ass, that's okay, but be an ass in your room, away from all the people you're making upset!"

"Jade," he calls after you. You are already halfway through his door.

"Good day!" you yell back at him, without even looking back. You're getting particularly good at dramatic exits lately, especially with all of the drama Karkat is mixing up around here.

But storming down the hallway isn't being dramatic. You are really actually that angry! Karkat can be such a dummy sometimes.

You open the door to Dave's room a little more angrily than usual, trying and not succeeding to appear semi-cheerful. John is cuddled up in the covers, stroking Dave's little horns with a kind of tenderness you've never seen from him before; Nepeta is busily drawing what seems to be a shapeless blob with pointy ears on Dave's red-plaster cast; Rose is waiting in the corner with a purple Sharpie, Kanaya with her faintly-glowing arm around Rose's waist. It is a very cute scene! Everyone is very cute. You are so glad that they are your friends.

"Hey," you say, skipping over to Dave's bedside. "Can I have a green Sharpie?"

"I don't think it will show up," Nepeta says despondently. She looks like she is about to say something, and then her eyes go wide.

"What? What's wrong?"

She points.

You turn around.

Karkat stands there at the door, arms crossed.

You hear shuffling in the covers and glance back - John is sitting up, arms outstretched in front of Dave.

"Dude, I can take care of myself," Dave mumbles.

"You're injured," John says. "What do you want, Karkat?"

"Uh," Karkat says, which isn't very explanatory.

"You can either be nice or leave!" you tell him.

He sighs and shuffles his arms a little. He mumbles something.

"You'll have to speak up," Rose says.

"I said, can I have a Sharpie?" Karkat snaps. "I'm going to sign his cast. If that's fucking okay with him."

John giggles.

"What, bulgemunch?" Karkat growls. "I'm just going to fucking sign his cast! What's funny about that?"

You think you get why John's laughing, so you explain. "You're like a teddy bear," you say. "A teddy bear with curse words written all over it, but a teddy bear all the same."

"I am not a fucking stuffed growlbeast. Give me a Sharpie."

"Ask politely!" you singsong.

"Can I please have a Sharpie."

"Only if you promise not to draw dicks all over my cast, dude. That's gay," Dave says.

"Dude, trolls are bi," John says.

"You couldn't possibly understand the intricacies of troll sexuality without having been born a troll, don't kid yourself," Karkat snaps. "Now someone give me a Sharpie."

He signs his name first, in silver, and then he writes that he's sorry. Granted, he writes it on Dave's forehead, and then draws a sloppy human dick on Dave's nose, but at least he did it. You're so proud of him!