Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

PJ : im bored

TS : ok????

PJ : entertain me

TS : im working right now

PJ : damn guess i’ll get up and go find something myself

TS : NO

TS : percy if you move i swear to god

TS : there is a HOLE in your LUNG. ask fri to get something

PJ : :(

TS : don’t :( me

PJ : :(

---

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

PJ : [Image: Mrs. O’Leary is sitting on the couch patiently. She has neatly done pigtails in, and looks very happy]

TS : heh.

`TS: nice

---

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

TS : im going to call the kid. Invite him over to the labs at some point

PJ : good.

PJ : he seems like a good kid

TS : he is.

---

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

TS : was there fucking crack in those cookies

PJ : no?????

TS : cookies arent that good. Its not how life works

TS : it felt like crack

PJ : why do you know what crack feels like???

PJ : Tony?????

PJ : TONY?????

---

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

PJ: i almost suplexed your child

TS: what?????

PJ: i was in the garage. he was in the garage. I was unaware of who he was

TS: did you punch him?

TS: i swear to god

PJ: pffft no. where the trust?

TS: you spartan kicked a reporter yesterday.

PJ: they were fucking rude, tony.

TS: not the point. what did you do.

PJ: nothing!! 

PJ: i just kinda looked at him for a second then left

PJ: no harm done

TS: ….

PJ: i can feel your judgmental squint from here

TS: good

PJ: you really like the kid, huh

TS: well

TS: yeah

TS: hes hella smart

PJ: thats not it

TS : ?

PJ : you actually like him as a person

PJ : i can tell

PJ : you’re gonna adopt him

TS : What?? No.

PJ : ooooh someones busting out the capital letters and punctuation

TS : how do you even know that?

PJ : fri

TS : ...ok. but im not going to adopt him, he already has a family and i dont need a kid

PJ : uhhhh huh. that’s why you anonymously donated to his school’s chemistry program

TS : how the shit did you know about that

TS : i just did that

TS : how

PJ : ;)

TS : mildly upsetting. anyways

TS : not my kid. 

PJ : ooooh wait

[PJ has changed TS’s nickname to ‘Father of 5’]

PJ : :)

Father of 5 : wh

Father of 5 : why

PJ : peter, U, dum-e, butterfingers, and fri

Father of 5 : i still deny that

PJ : its a nice name! I worked hard

Father of 5 : ...you just learned how to do that, huh

PJ: mayhaps

Father of 5 : shouldn't you know technology? You are like 20

PJ : not my fault i never had a phone

Father of 5: i still think that is weird

Father of 5: thats like. the one thing someone your age should have

PJ: ‘someone my age’ shut up old man

PJ: im actually an eldritch being from centuries ago. I Know Everything. 

Father of 5: ...that fact that i sort of believe that is a little concerning. 

---

Father of 5: where the hell did you and mrs o’leary get matching pajamas

Father of 5: please i need to know

---

Father of 5: fri said you had a nightmare last night. You ok?

PJ : fucking snitch

PJ: yeah im fine.

PJ: ive had worse

Father of 5: i hate that

PJ: life do be like that sometimes

Father of 5: for fucks sake

PJ: a n y w a y s

PJ: spidey coming over today?

Father of 5: yeah

Father of 5: at 10:30

PJ: awful early time to make your child get up

Father of 5: he gets up early

Father of 5: and hes not my kid

PJ: your nickname begs to differ

Father of 5: oh for hell's sake

Father of 5: if i have to suffer, you do too

[Father of 5 has set PJ’s nickname to ‘crack dealer’]

crack dealer: what

Father of 5 : im still not forgetting those cookies

crack dealer: of course not. 

---

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

crack dealer: hey where are you

crack dealer: nvm im coming down

---

Peter Parker and Tony Stark

Underoos : mr stark your friend is scary

---

            we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

crack dealer: ok im stealing your child now. going to go feed him lunch. 

---

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

crack dealer: i think your kid just helped me track down a shooter

---

Peter Parker and Tony Stark

Underoos: ok i take it back his dog is cute

---

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

crack dealer: your son was very helpful

crack dealer: i can see why you adopted him. 10/10, gave lea good pets

Father of 5: not my kid

Father of 5: …

Father of 5: glad he could help, though

---

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

crack dealer: i have the power of god

Father of 5: why do i hear boss music

crack dealer: i have an idea

Father of 5: im already scared

---

[PJ has added Tony Stark and Peter Parker]

[PJ had changed their name to ‘God’]

God: told you

Tony Stark: are you really gonna pull the kid into this?

God: family bonding, tony

[Peter Parker has changed their name to ‘soup’]

soup: hi????

Tony Stark: why soup?

soup: like soup

God: mood

God: like food….but can use straw

soup: mmm yes. swirly straw for soup

God: s̸̢͉̯̖̬͇̺͇̜͖̗͆̋̇̏̓̈̇̽̌͛̄̓̇̑ơ̸̧͙̣̣̜̤̹̤͕͐͋͒͑͂̋̋̏̊̈́̾̆͐̑̿̋͆̚u̴̢̧̱̰͍̫̻̣̲̲͈͚̝̮̠̤̜̞̣̩̐̉̒̾̋̐̇͗͑̋̅̈́̊̋̌̌́̉̄̔̾͂͜͝ͅp̸̧̧͕̠͍̝̰̦͔̈́̇̎̽̏̌̀̊̊̉̍̅͂̐̎̃͆͘͜͝

soup: finally someone Gets It

Tony Stark: what the fuck

Tony Stark: why does that cover other messages

Tony Stark: how did you do that

soup: we did nothing. twas but the power of s̸̢͉̯̖̬͇̺͇̜͖̗͆̋̇̏̓̈̇̽̌͛̄̓̇̑ơ̸̧͙̣̣̜̤̹̤͕͐͋͒͑͂̋̋̏̊̈́̾̆͐̑̿̋͆̚u̴̢̧̱̰͍̫̻̣̲̲͈͚̝̮̠̤̜̞̣̩̐̉̒̾̋̐̇͗͑̋̅̈́̊̋̌̌́̉̄̔̾͂͜͝ͅp̸̧̧͕̠͍̝̰̦͔̈́̇̎̽̏̌̀̊̊̉̍̅͂̐̎̃͆͘͜͝

Tony Stark: you two meeting was a mistake

God: your anti soup ways are tearing this family apart

Soup: mr stark :(

Tony Stark: …

Tony Stark: …

Tony Stark: dear god

Tony Stark: fine

Tony Stark: im just going to say it normally.   s̸̢͉̯̖̬͇̺͇̜͖̗͆̋̇̏̓̈̇̽̌͛̄̓̇̑ơ̸̧͙̣̣̜̤̹̤͕͐͋͒͑͂̋̋̏̊̈́̾̆͐̑̿̋͆̚u̴̢̧̱̰͍̫̻̣̲̲͈͚̝̮̠̤̜̞̣̩̐̉̒̾̋̐̇͗͑̋̅̈́̊̋̌̌́̉̄̔̾͂͜͝ͅp̸̧̧͕̠͍̝̰̦͔̈́̇̎̽̏̌̀̊̊̉̍̅͂̐̎̃͆͘͜͝

Tony Stark: what in the fresh hell

Tony Stark: why did it do that

Tony Stark: what did you do

God: we did nothing. soup is just like that

soup: indeed

[God has changed the group name to ‘SSEA’]

soup: soup speed eaters association?

God: yeah B)

soup: nice B)

Chapter Text

Judas!!!! no!!

Loser 1: ok dont be mad

Not a loser: what did you do

Loser 2: im already mad.

Loser 1: i said DONT be mad

Loser 2: you arent making this better

Not a loser: peter. What did you do

Loser 1: ok so you know how we

Loser 1: like

Loser 1: looked up that Deathstroke guy

Not a loser: peter.

Loser 2: uh oh

Loser 2: she sounds pissed

Loser 1: nobody got hurt

Not a loser: not helping. What. did. You. do. 

Loser 1: ok so like

Loser 1: i was in the lab. Minding my own business

Not a lose: bullshit

Loser 1: i was!!!!

Not a loser: get on with it

Loser 1: ….

Loser 1: deathstroke came in. he said hi. I said hi. I pet his dog

Loser 2: P E T E R

Loser 1: i got a dog pic

Not a loser: you spent time with one of the worlds most deadly mercenaries?

Not a loser: his name is Deathstroke 

Loser 1: ok but he was really nice!!!!!

Loser 1: he makes really good cookies!

Loser 2: damn now im jealous

Not a loser: what is wrong with you two

Loser 1: ~trauma~

Not a loser: fair

Loser 2: ok but

Loser 2: was he nice

Loser 1: yes actually

Loser 1: i helped him track down a shooter

Not a looser: what????

Loser 1: long story. Anyways

Loser 1: he said he liked my suit. Very nice colors

Not a loser: he knows you’re spiderman?????

Loser 1: ...yes

Not a loser: oh my god

Loser 2: why do i feel like there’s more

Loser 1: because there is

Loser 1: i can now proudly say i am in a group chat with mr stark

Not a loser: and deathstroke?

Loser 1: and deathstroke ! 

Not a loser: for fucks sake

Loser 1: no its ok. he likes soup

Loser 2: oh ok

Loser 1: ooh

Loser 1: i d e a

Loser 2: oh????

---

SSEA

[soup has added Michelle Jones and Ned Leeds]

[soup has changed Michelle Jones’ name to ‘mindiana jones’]

[soup has changed Ned Leeds’ name to gitc]

soup: :)

God: owo whats this

Tony Stark: never say that again

gitc: peter

gitc: is this what i think it is

soup: do you think its a groupchat with mr stark and mr deathstroke?

gitc: i think its a groupchat with mr stark and mr deathstroke

soup: then yes

mindiana jones: parker i swear to god

mindiana jones: mindiana? really?

Tony Stark: kid…

God: i thought it was funny

gitc: wait who are you

God: mr deathstroke, apparently

gitc: oh my god

gitc: im so sorry

mindiana jones: forget that. did you just owo

God: indeed i did, mindiana.

mindiana jones: you are deathstroke????

God: i prefer percy

gitc: your name is percy???

God: sometimes

Tony Stark: jackson for fucks sake

Tony Stark: stop messing with them

God: oh you think you’re all high and mighty, huh

Tony Stark: ?

God: with your boring ass nickname

God: but you know what

[God has changes Tony Stark’s nickname to ‘Tony Stank’]

Tony Stank: i see you have been talking to rhodey

God: what gave me away

Tony Stank: i regret meeting you

God: xoxo no you dont

Tony Stank: …

Tony Stank goddamnit

God: just be glad i didn't change your nickname to match the other one

Tony Stank: whatever crack dealer

God: :/

mindiana jones: you sell crack?

God: no comment

soup: i feel like this is going well

gitc: i dont even know anymore.

gitc: deathstroke owo-ed. life is a lie

God: there is no rule against mercenaries owo-ing

God: i know the law

mindiana jones: did you study law?

God: no i just commited a bunch of crimes

soup: valid

gitc: but you’ve never been caught???

God: oh sweet summer child

God: this was w a y before the mercenary thing

Tony Stank: wait what

God: i blew up a gym.

Tony Stank: WHAT

God: listen…

God: teenagers all make mistakes

God: not that though

God: that was on purpose

Tony Stank: what the fuck

soup: its ok i kinda broke a ferry on accident once

God: i did that once!

God: except it was a yacht

God: and also on purpose

mindiana jones: you really like blowing things up, huh

God: well yes

God: you see i met my best friend by blowing up a toilet

gitc: oh that's nice

God: yeah it was fun

gitc: was it on purpose, mr deathstroke?

God: actually no

God: it was either that or drink sewer water :/

mindiana jones: i see absolutely no correlation between the two

soup: yeah me neither

God: that's ok

Tony Stank: ……...alright

Tony Stank: ted please stop calling him mr deathstroke. I take hit damage every time it happens

gitc: but what do i call him

gitc: he has so many names

God: ?

gitc: uh

gitc: we may or may not have

gitc: looke you up a little

God: oh

God: did you see the bounty?

mindiana jones: yes

God: pretty sweet right

mindiana jones: sure?

Tony Stank: theres a bounty on your head?

God: yeah my cousins set it up

soup: well thats rude

Tony Stank: why? what did you do to them?

God: well

God: partially they were upset because i forcibly vaccinated them

God: but mostly so they would know who did it when i am inevitably murdered

God: and it was just easier that way

mindiana jones: how does that make things easier

God: that way i know whos out to get me

God: and i get them first (✿◠‿◠) 

Tony Stank: …

Tony Stank: thats

Tony Stank: innovative? I guess?

God: thanks

God: hey wait ned

God: how long did it take you to find all that stuff on me?

gitc: uhhh like 20 minutes

God: are you serious

gitc: wait am in in trouble

God: no??????? It just

God: it only took you 20 minutes????

Gitc: ...yeah

God: ok

God: are you looking for a job

gitc: what

God: job. Do you want one

gitc: doing what?

God: some of my cousins are idiots who forgot to exist on paper

God: and now im getting the youngest one a fake identity for her birthday

Tony Stark: wtf your family is so weird

God: oh tony

God: this is NOTHING

gitc: a job sounds great???????

soup: awww good for you ned. 

soup: going to work for the scary murder man

mindiana jones: child labor laws are a thing that exist

God: eh

gitc: eh

God: ive been paid to kill people since i was 12

God: and look at me now

Tony Stank: percy what the hell

Tony Stank: are you ok???

soup: wait 12?

mindiana jones: mildly concerning

God: well

God: i was exaggerating

Tony Stank: oh thank god

God: i wasnt getting paid 

Tony Stank: 

soup:

gitc: 

mindiana jones:

Tony Stank: i worry about you

God: the feeling is mutual 

gitc: wait how would i get paid? Dont i have to like. Do something with taxes?

God: no

God: i have never paid taxes my entire life

Tony Stank: what

Tony Stank: percy

God: taxes are for rich people

mindiana jones: yeah thats fair

Chapter Text

soup: mr starbk i think i jit my hef

Tony Stank: what

soup: bonmk

mindiana jones: karen says he hit his head

gitc: hes not bleeding out

Tony Stank: not promising

gitc: a Small Concussion

Tony Stank: peter

soup: yesh ?

Tony Stank: come to the tower

soup: i toootaltly would

soup: but i domnt kniw where i a m

Tony Stank: for fucks sake

Tony Stank: ted where is he

gitc: rooftop on Knowlers and 8th

Tony Stank: im in a meeting right now. Pepper will kick my ass if i leave

Tony Stank: percy

Tony Stank: @God

God: what

God: oh

God: yeah ill get him

soup: oooooh

soup: mr tall mans is gunna gett me

mindiana jones: …

mindiana jones: are you actually that tall?

God: no

God: im actually the shortest on my dad’s side. My little brother is like twice my height

gitc: how tall are you???

God: 6

gitc: 6?

God: yeah it was 6

mindiana jones: im assuming 6 feet. how old is your brother?

God: not completely sure. I found him in a cardboard box, you see

God: like. 8?

Tony Stank: there are so many things wrong with what you just said

Tony Stank: also you’ve never mentioned a brother???

God: i have so many…

God: also yeah he lives underground

gitc: wh

gitc: like in the sewers

God: no

gitc: ok

Tony Stank: are you almost there?

God: yeah

God: found him

soup: hnnfdg beeg dog

mindiana jones: ??

God: hes sitting on my dog. she’s taking him to the tower

mindiana jones: and you think people just arent going to question why spider-man is getting a ride from a dog(?) with deathstroke walking behind them

God: nah

God: trust me on this

gitc: sure . why not

soup: doggyyie 

Tony Stank: thank you for your contribution, peter. 

soup: : )

----------

Tony Stank: i just found out coca cola can remove rust from stuff

Tony Stank: imagine what its doing to peoples bodies

God: pfftt getting rid of the rust, idiot

Tony Stank: thats not how that works

God: ive been drinking soda…...my body is rust free…..not sure where you’re getting your facts from

Tony Stank: no

mindiana jones: no he’s right

Tony Stank: you go to a science school

Tony Stank: what are they teaching you

gitc: right now?

gitc: global warming and stuff

mindiana jones: except our teacher is very much ignoring the fact that most of pollution comes from large corporations :/

God: yeah, it was the same at all of my schools. a lot of kids parents were business people, so. school didnt want to upset them

mindiana jones: its not that bad at midtown, but the principal did try and stop me from organizing a school protest 

gtic: she ended up staring him down. It was amazing

God: hm

God: if you want to get more involved without the school getting in your way

God: call this number

God: ***---***---****

gitc: thats not sketchy at all

God: its just my friend grover. He runs the new york environmental association

mindiana jones: grover underwood?????

God: yeah!!! 

mindiana jones; you know him?

Tony Stank: please tell me you didnt try and kill him

gitc: or that he hired you to kill someone

God: he would never. Ive offered, but

God: he’s been my best friend since the 6th grade where he broke into my cabin with no pants on, passed out, and then i dragged him to safety after i fought a bull

Tony Stank: why do you always say things like this

God: i have no idea what you mean

God: but dont call that number from your own phone. Use a payphone, or someone who you dont like’s phone

God: tell him percy jackson sent you, and the code word is enchilada

mindiana jones: alright seems legit

Tony Stank: i am very concerned right now

God: what???? He’s an environmental activist, not a terrorist

God: though i do know a few of those if you need one

gitc: great

gitc: wait i just looked him up

gitc: grover underwood is suspected for stealing animals from aquariums and sabotaging Dare Enterpises facilities

God: hah

God: yeah

Tony Stank: ok to be fair william dare sucks ass

God: yeah i met him a couple times

God: he liked me well enough, though

mindiana jones: what?

God: i was staying at his house

Tony Stank: why the fuck

God: im friends with his daughter

mindiana jones: you know rachel dare????

God: yeah who do you think helped her plan the Sea World heist

mindiana jones: it was YOU????

Tony Stank: you stole a fucking whale?

Tony Stank why am i not surprised

gitc: holy shit

gitc: thats so cool

God: yeah the three of us plus my cousins hunting club plan to take over the oil industry within the next 10 years

mindiana jones: wow

mindiana jones: im in

God: cool

Tony Stank: im a little scared but

Tony Stank: carry on

mindiana jones: >:)

God: >:)

----------

Tony for fucks sake go to sleep

Honeybear: why did i just see on the news that a Dare Enterprise facility just got destroyed

Honeybear: and WHY do i feel like you had something to do with it

Dumbest genius: i did nothing of the sort

Honeybear: ….

Dumbest genius: except look the other way

Honeybear: tones for fucks sake

Dumbest genius: at least it will be an environmentally friendly dictatorship

Honeybear: what????

Chapter Text

SSEA

God: Tony’s fine. No need to worry. 

soup: what happened

God: bomb :/

mindiana jones: what?????

God: we were in the building. There was also a bomb in the building. 

gitc: alright then

soup: but mr stark got hurt?

God: a Small concussion. 

God: he’s very whiny

soup: so what im hearing is the two of us match head injuries

God: yeah basically

soup: did you guys get rumlow?

God: yeah hes fucking dead

gitc: oh my god????

God: no dont worry it was on purpose

mindiana jones: wait like. You killed him?

God: he tried to shoot tony i have no regrets

God: we fought to the death in a basement

gitc: did you get hurt?

God: eh. I spent 8 months wrestling wolves in california. Ill live

mindiana jones: the fact that i cant even tell if you’re joking anymore---

God: :)

God: anyways

God: tony’s asleep right now so im going to do what i want

soup: what does that mean

soup: percy

soup: PERCY????

--------

SSEA

soup: one day im going to kill him i swear to god

Tony Stank: woah woah woAH WOAH

Tony Stank: kiddo?

soup: wrong chat

soup: ignore that

God: i can hide a body

Tony Stank: NO

Tony Stank: NO murder.

God: uhhhhhgg

God: you never let me have fun

Tony Stank: people die when you have fun

God: :(

Tony Stank: anyways

Tony Stank: you alright, underoos?

soup: yeah im fine

mindiana jones: liar. flash dumped his lunch tray on him today

soup: mj!!

soup: its was nothing, mr stark. promise. 

Tony Stank: too late

Tony Stank: who the HELL is flash

soup: nobody

gitc: flash thompson. he’s an asshole to peter all the time. its been going on for like 3 years

soup: NED

soup: betrayed by my own friends….unbelievable. 

gitc: he needed to know

gitc: im sorry dude

mindiana jones: im not

Tony Stank: peter

Tony Stank: 3 years?

soup: its nothing. I barely even notice it anymore

Tony Stank: that's even worse

Tony Stank: has any of it been reported?

mindiana jones: yes. most of the time there’s no evidence

gitc: and other times he just gets off really easy. his parents make a lot of donations to the school

Tony Stank: so what i'm hearing is

Tony Stank: i just need to out-donate this dumbass’s parents

soup: no!!!!

soup: do not!

soup: i can handle it, mr stark

soup: if its not me, its going to be someone else who cant take it

Tony Stank: just because you can handle it doesn't mean you should, kid. 

mindiana jones: i've been trying to tell him that for almost a year

soup: he barely even touches me. I’m fine. Seriously.

Tony Stank: 

Tony Stank: 

gitc: uh

gitc: mr stark

gitc: are you alright?

Tony Stank: He hits you?

gitc: uh oh

gitc: full capitals and punctuation

soup: not usually

mindiana jones: he shoves him into lockers like all the time. I’ve seen the bruises on his shoulders and back.

soup: MJ!

mindiana jones: he needs to know. Still not sorry. 

Tony Stank: ok so im not going to out-donate his parents to make him stop bothering you

soup: thank you

Tony Stank: all of my money will be going to keeping me out of jail

Tony Stank: because i will have committed aggravated assault

soup: DO NOT

gitc: no its ok

gitc: he hits you, peter. 

soup: im spiderman!

soup: i can take a hit

soup: and i shouldn't be punching my classmates. I'm a superhero!

Tony Stank: well i'm an avenger

Tony Stank: and i kicked a justin hammer in the nuts once

soup: well he’s evil

Tony Stank: no this was before we knew about that

Tony Stank: he was just an asshole

mindiana jones: hell yeah

mindiana jones: i've always hated that guy

Tony Stank: you can't stop me

Tony Stank: and really

Tony Stank: i'm not the one you should be worrying about

soup: what do you mean?

Tony Stank: dearest pj has been rather silent

gitc: uh oh

soup: oh no

God: lucky for us. i am not above murder OR clotheslining a teenager

God: <3

soup: percy. do nOT

mindiana jones: eh as long as he doesn't kill him

Tony Stank: don't track blood in the tower

soup: no!!!! No blood!!!

Tony Stank: yeah

Tony Stank: none in the tower

soup: no blood in GENERAL

soup: because you should NOT hurt flash

soup: percy???

gitc: pretty sure he’s already on his way, dude

mindiana jones: everything will be fine

soup: not for flash!!!!!

mindiana jones: everything will be fine. 

soup: percy?????

God: [Image description: Percy is crouched on a roof in full gear, except for his helmet. Only his head and shoulders are visible, and you can see the swords strapped to his back. He is smiling, and giving a peace sign to the camera.]

God: see you on the news

Tony Stank: be home before 8

soup: is that flash’s neighborhood

soup: please tell me it isn't flash’s neighborhood

gitc: i'm pretty sure he’s standing on his roof, dude

soup: how did you get there so fast????

mindiana jones: pretty sure he’s a little too busy to respond to you, peter.

soup: aw, beans.

Chapter Text

Mr Harrington please stop sending memes challenge

peterman: i feel like a dried pretzel crumb and the only way to combat that is the shove my head into a bowl of hot lima beans

President lincoln: hi what the fuck

peterman: you heard me

nedleedle: peter i love you but why

Scary Captain: parker i swear to god

peterman: leave me alone !!!!

moonmoon: no no let the man speak

moon moon: hes onto something

peterman: thank you CINDY

The news(™): pete are you alright?

peterman: just dandy

peterman: i mean im throwing up into a toilet for the 4th time but

President lincoln: what happened?

Peterman: jal a pe no s

The News(™): translation please

moonmoon: you ate a bunch of peppers?

peterman: yeth

peterman: at the expense of my own morality

Scary Captain: the the fuck did you do that for

avril lavigne: are you alright?

peterman: am fine

peterman: im being laughed at though

Scary Captain: i guarantee you deserve it

nedleedle: peter were you serious about that

avril lavigne: about what?

nedleedle: he texted me asking if i thought he could beat pj in a pepper eating contest

murphy’s law: excuse me what is a pj

nedleedle: the scariest man alive

peterman: he works for mr stark at my internship

fastest man alive: parker for fucks sake stop with the internship

fastest man alive: nobody believes you

---------

Rowdy boys

Small™: hey flash is talking shit

Jalapeno eating king: on it

-------

Flash Thompson --- Unknown Number

Unknown Number: watch your mouth

-------

Mr Harrington please stop sending memes challenge

Fastest man alive: ok im sorry i take it back

moonmoon: wha

avril lavigne: whoa

President lincoln: what just happened

peterman: ;)

The News(™): very threatening i like it

The News(™): but whats with the jalapenos

peterman: well you see

peterman: my dearest friend pj and i were watching this video of a guy eating a ghost pepper

peterman: and he went “pft i can do better than that”

peterman: and i challenged him

peterman: but we only had jalapenos so

Murphy’s law: this sounds fabricated

peterman: i have Never Lied Ever

Murphy’s law: i demand an audience with this so called spice god

peterman: adsfdgjrthtfd

nedleedle: on it

[nedleedle has added PJ to the chat]

[PJ has changed their name to ‘spicey’]

moonmoon: hello peter’s mystery friend

Murphy’s law: we have Questions

spicey: hm

spicey: ask away

The News(™): did you or did you not eat a bunch of jalapenos with peter

spicey: yes i did

The News(™): who won

spicey: me obviously

spicey: i ate all of my peppers and then all of peters once he left to go throw up

President lincoln: you didnt go to help peter??

spicey: no i was eating jalapenos

spicey: if i didnt my dog would

spicey: and im not letting that happen for a 6th time

nedleedle: 6th???

spicey: yeah

nedleedle: ok

Scary Captain: how many peppers did you two eat?

spicey: well peter had like 12

Murphy's law: peter oh my god

peterman: and pj had over 300

moonmoon: yo what the fuck

avril lavigne: what is wrong with you

spicey: i think im going to go for an even 1000

President lincoln: ARE YOU STILL EATING THEM???

peterman: yes i can confirm

peterman: he’s sitting with me on the bathroom floor just eating them out of a grocery bag

Murphy’s law: wait i just did the math

Murphy’s law: about 960 jalapenos will kill you

Murphy’s law: do NOT go for 1000

spicey: no its fine i drank laundry detergent as a kid and now my blood is toxic

The News(™): i

The News (™): ok then

Scary Captain: he can do it trust me

moonmoon: whats this????

moonmoon: michelle jones putting faith in someone????

Scary Captain: well i actually like pj. he’s punched a cop in the face

spicey: dont forget i stole a cop car

Scary Captain: he also stole a cop car

moonmoon: good for you…..good for you

President lincoln: do any of you know where tyler grayson is?

Avril lavigne: im in english with him right now why

President lincoln: i decided to not let my feet touch the hallways this month

President lincoln: so every day i have been bringing a skateboard to school

The News(™): you know how to skateboard?

President lincoln: no

President lincoln: and thats why i hired tyler to pull me around using a jump rope while i t-pose to instil fear amongst my enemies

nedleedle: icon

President lincoln: i know but where’s tyler

avril lavigne: he said he’s going to be late because he got streamers to attach to your skateboard

President lincoln: hm

President lincoln: alright i can accept that

peterman: what color streamers

avril lavigne: rainbow and shiny

peterman: oh hell yeah

moonmoon: stylish

-----------

 SSEA

Tony Stank: which one of you fuckers ate all of the bread

gitc: ?

Tony Stank: there were like 5 loaves

Tony Stank: they are all gone now

soup: would you be less angry if i told you it was for science

Tony Stank: i would not

soup: forget i said anything then

Tony Stank: peter what did you do

soup: nothing!!!

Tony Stank: percy?

God: i wasnt there

God: my friend piper and i are in my cousins attic right now

God: we’re making hissing noises and suspicious scuttling to try and convince him we’re raccoons

God: we want to see if we can get him to call animal control

Tony Stank: 

Tony Stank: alright good luck

God: thanks

Tony Stank: mj? ned? 

gitc: peter im sorry

soup: ned no!!!!

gitc: you know i cant lie to him

soup: betrayal…….from my own guy in the chair…..

gitc: we wanted to see if peter can eat enough carbs to become immune to bullets

Tony Stank: you fucking ate all that bread

Tony Stank: wait IMMUNE TO BULLETS

Tony Stank: do not test that. Peter parker i swear to god

soup: …….

Tony Stank: stay where you are

Tony Stank: im already on my way

Chapter Text

Judas!!!! No!!

not a loser: where the fuck are you two?

Loser 1: well

Loser 1: uh

[Loser 2 has changed Loser 1’s nickname to ‘one hit KO’]

one hit KO:  n e d

not a loser: what did you guys do???

Loser 2: well,,,,,,you see

not a loser: holy shit

not a loser: i just saw flash leaving morita’s office with a bloody nose

not a loser oh my god i think its broken

one kit KO:

Loser 2: 

not a loser: oh you FUCKERS

not a loser: I CANT BELIEVE YOUVE DONE THIS

one hit KO: we’re sorry!!!!!!!

Loser 2: it wasnt planned or anything i swear

Loser 2: it just

Loser 2: happened

not a loser: and what, pray tell, actually HAPPENED?

one hit KO: flash started talking shit and i gave him what was coming to him

Loser 2: 0-0

not a loser: wow

not a loser: i mean i love the bloodthirstiness but

not a loser: peter where the HELL did that come from

one hit KO: percy gave me a pep talk (✿◠‿◠) 

not a loser: yeah that sounds exactly like him

not a loser: how much trouble are you guys in?

Loser 2: both suspended. flash was hella close to getting expelled, though

Loser 2: and thats not even the best part

not a loser: can it really get better than that?

Loser 2: yep!

Loser 2: so basically may was working and couldnt come get peter, so his ‘brother’ came in. and we were all like tf? Brother? 

Loser 2: Then BOOM it was percy fucking jackson

not a loser: no shit?

one hit KO: yeah it was wild

one kit KO: he had a fake identity with a doctorate and everything

Loser 2: then he intimidated a confession out of flash and convinced my mom to come with him and peter to get ice cream

Loser 2: my mom actually likes him a lot??? they're talking about seagulls.

one hit KO: its been going on for like 15 minutes

not a loser: wack

---

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

crack dealer: and then i pushed him down a well

Father of 5: huh

Father of 5: is that how all of your grocery trips end?

crack dealer: yeah usually

Tony Stank: good to know

---

Preator Party

pecan pie: hey have any of you seen hazel????

punch: I am also looking for her.

panda: not since our lunch date

pecan pie: perce?

puddle: mcdonalds roof with me and nico

panda: may i ask why there?

puddle: frank i love you but

puddle: no you may not

punch: Please tell her she cannot run from her Centurion duties. There is a Senate meeting soon. 

puddle: she says “tell reyna i know and thats why im hiding”

pecan pie: oh gods

pecan pie: can you bring her back please?

puddle: hmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMM

pecan pie: cmon bro. for me?

puddle: for you bro <3

pecan pie: bro <3

punch: Disgusting. 

---

our family tree is a wreath

horse girl: percy jackson prepare to die

sparky: oh????

horse girl: you too, jason. I know he wouldn't do it unless you asked. 

pied piper: wait what the shit happened

horse girl: i may or may not have been running from a senate meeting

horse girl: and nico invited me to hang out with my dearest older brother figure

horse girl: so we were on a roof, right

horse girl: but then stuPID JASON AND REYNA TEXTED HIM TO BRING ME BACK

my chemical ron weasley: it was pretty brutal

mcshizzle: nico??? explain????

mcshizzle: and wow hazel. tone down the language please.

horse girl: sorry i am just VERY ANGRY

my chemical ron weasley: she tried to run

my chemical ron weasley: a fatal mistake. 

sparky: percy??? what did you do?

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: well you see

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: i just so happened to have come directly from work :)

my chemical ron weasley: next thing i knew he was grabbing a duffel bag and

horse girl: HE FREAKING TRANQ-ED ME 

horse girl: HE PULLED OUT AND ASSEMBLED A RIFLE WHILE I RAN FOR MY FREEDOM

horse girl: AND SHOT ME

my chemical ron weasley: it was terrifying. he did it all so fast

pied piper: P E R C Y

sparky: BRO

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: and i’d do it again

my chemical ron weasley: she was like half a block away-

RARA: You shot Hazel with a tranquilizer dart from half a block away?

RARA: Impressive. 

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: :)

---

SSEA

Tony Stank: hey percy? :)

God: yes tony? :)

Tony Stank: why the fuck did i just get a notification from fri that one of our satalites got footage of you chasing and shooting somebody from a mcdonalds? :)

mindiana jones: that smiley face looks like its screaming inside

God: oh, that

Tony Stank: yes, THAT

God: i was hanging out with my cousins

God: and two of my friends texted that one of them, hazel, was in fact hiding from a Very Important Responsibility 

God: and they requested i bring her in

gitc: so…..you SHOT her??????

God: with a tranquilizing dart, yes

soup: oh wow

mindiana jones: cool

Tony Stank: is your cousin ok????

God: yeah of course

God: besides she almost killed the earth when she was like 13 so

God: she can handle it

Tony Stank:

Tony Stank: ok.

---

SSEA

[God has changed soup’s nickname to ‘baby avenger’]

God: they grow up so fast :,)

gitc: ???????????

Tony Stank: spiderbaby has joined the avengers jr. reserves

gitc: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

baby avenger: :D

mindiana jones: good job, peter. 

baby avenger: love you to mj!!! <3

mindiana jones: … 

mindiana jones: …<3

gitc: hoLY SHIT

gitc: MJ USED A <3

mindiana jones: shut up or ill take it back

God: we’re proud of you for expressing your emotions, mj.

mindiana jones:

mindiana jones: thank you percy

Chapter Text

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

900K Followers | 105 Following

You Know Who I Am @TonyStark

425.7 Mil Followers | 32 Following

nick fury @12yearoldterrorist

623.1 Mil Followers | 1 Following

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

the internet doesnt get to see the weird stuff that goes around the tower daily and i am very sorry for that

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

like??? y'all actually respecting these people 

Frogsareneat @littlegreenboy

What??? Does this mean????

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

it MEANS that the avengers are all meme loving disasters. all of them. they are so weird. 

merp @lowla

ok so you guys know that avengers intern account right

weenie @cissiesmith

The one just called the avengers memers???? 

merp @lowla

thats the bitch. anyways. 

merp @lowla

What do you guys think he MEANS????

mossboy @localfungi

if he tells me thor knows vines ill cry i swear to god

Mindy @mindyydnim

Ok but you guys just believe him???? Hes probs lying

astrology, hoes @starcharts

Shut the fuck up i would trust him with my life

SSEA

gitc: hey mr stark?

gitc: is nick fury alive?

mindiana jones: is this about the twitter account?

gitc: YES THIS IS ABOUT THE TWITTER ACCOUNT

Tony Stank: what are you talking about?

baby avenger: ill send you the link

SSEA

Tony Stank: i

Tony Stank: he’s alive but. I have no clue if this is him or not

Tony Stank: im going to follow him

You Know Who I Am @TonyStark

425.7 Mil Followers | 34 Following

ferris wheel fighter @uhov4hiorei

uh hey guys???? am i having a reaction to my meds or did tony stark just follow that intern kid AND the cryptic nick fury account???????

Turtleducks @duckys<3

HE DID WHAT THE FUCK

astrology, hoes @starcharts

PB DESERVES IT HES THE BEST INTERN

astrology, hoes @starcharts

that nick fury account is just mad funny though

Pepper potts marry me challenge @deno

Is that the actual nick fury???????

merp @lowla

Nick fury does NOT run a crytpid conspiracy meme account. I refuse to believe. 

merp @lowla

Hes also dead but thats not the weird part

chiecken @bord

tstark only follows people he knows?????? Plus a few charities and shit

chiecken @bord

And the nick fury account is an Experience but its not a charity. That means it HAS to be nick fury himself

I feel like a sad rug @woooooo

i am Confused

ferris wheel fighter @uhov4hiorei

Dude check out the account its @12yearoldterrorist

nick fury @12yearoldterrorist

623.1 Mil Followers | 1 Following

nick fury @12yearoldterrorist

I once defeated a peacock because it looked at me funny. I hissed at a gargoyle and it shattered into dust. I eat nails for breakfast and strawberry milkshakes for lunch. dont try me

nick fury @12yearoldterrorist

an amendment: unless you’re captain america. please try me so i can effortlessly defeat you in hand to hand combat. 

nick fury @12yearoldterrorist

poll: hey guys should i or should i not dump this catcaller in the bay

Decimate him : 83% | same answer but over here: 63%

nick fury @12yearoldterrorist

hey google how much paper can i eat before dying

I feel like a sad rug @woooooo

this guy is fucking crazy, i love it

I feel like a sad rug @woooooo

He literally has more followers than the president

Turtleducks @duckys<3

are we going to ignore how the poll somehow got higher than 100%??? My mans got 146% of votes. what. 

suspiciously round dog @ORB

he(?) issues public threats to captain america.

weewonk @weewonk

Ive never loved a man more

Babs @BarbaraLewis

This man is threatening an American icon! This isn’t funny, or a joke!

I feel like a sad rug @woooooo

he’s a war criminal, barbara.

astrology, hoes @starcharts

Manifesting that the nick fury imitation(?) account tracks down and defeats captain america

Trending:

#he's a war criminal, barbara

#stark clean energy

#met gala

#mr. fury please duel him

#sokovia accords

SSEA

Tony Stank: it sounds NOTHING like fury but the security is so good?? an imitation wouldnt have that kind of firewalls

gitc: should i try hacking it?

Tony Stank: ...no. No, i want to see how this plays out.

nick fury @12yearoldterrorist

due to popular demand, i will be fighting steve ‘bitchass’ rogers. swords at dawn, coward. 

Frogsareneat @littlegreenboy

GUYS HES FUCKIN DOING IT-

merp @lowla

HE RESPONDED ASDJGSDLHFJ I FEEL LIKE I JUST SPOKE TO MOTHMAN

ferris wheel fighter @uhov4hiorei

Captain america is shaking in his boots

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

Father of 5: this is going to sound weird but

Father of 5: would fury have social media?

crack dealer:

crack dealer:

crack dealer: what

Father of 5: hypothetically, of course

crack dealer: i have no idea?????

crack dealer: the only time we talked was when he sent me on a mission or yelled at me

Father of 5: hmm

Father of 5: thanks anyways

crack dealer: why do you ask? 

crack dealer: tony?

crack dealer: tony????????

SSEA

God: i just got a vaguely threatening message from tony what happened

gitc: nothing

baby avenger: nothing

mindiana jones: nothing

Tony Stank: mind your own business. 

Tony Stank: we’re investigating. 

God: ?????????????????????

Chapter Text

SSEA

God has changed their name to ‘Godly buttkicker’

Tony Stank: is everyone really going to just ignore that name

mindiana jones: yeah

baby avenger: yeah

gitc: yeah

Godly buttkicker: yeah

Tony Stank: ok

---

Mr harrington please stop sending memes challenge

moonmoon: would you guys do the nasty with hawkmoth

nedleedle: why would you ask this. Right in front of god??

murphy’s law: would i  w h a t

moonmoon: you know. The Nasty

moonmoon: cork the onion

moonmoon: dip the fondue

moonmoon: illegal breakdance

President lincoln: im begging you to stop

moonmoon: only if you answer the question

Avril lavigne: i would 100%

Murphy’s law: SALLY

Avril lavigne: what????? Have you seen that guy

president lincoln: dilf

murphy’s law: NO

moonmoon: thank you abe

moonmoon: @peterman @nedleedle @TheNews(™) @scarycaptian

peterman: what?

President lincoln: scroll up

peterman: 

peterman: cindy are you alright

moonmoon: i will be as soon as all of you answer the question

nedleedle: he’s rich?

moonmoon: yep

nedleedle: then hell yes

The News(™): no bc i like adrien and his dad is a piece of shit

moonmoon: fair point

moonmoon: so to recap:

moonmoon: sally and abe would bc they think hes hot

moonmoon: ned would because he likes money

moonmoon: charles wouldn't because hes a party pooper

moonmoon: betty would not because hes a bad dad and doesn't deserve her

murphy’s law: i wouldn't do it because hes old ugly and mean!!!!!! 

moonmoon: uh huh. Anyways. mj? Pete?

Scary Captain: No.

moonmoon: 

moonmoon: ok have a nice day

peterman: i cant answer

Avril lavigne: booooo!!!!

Murphy’s law: we all had to answer !

peterman: yes but consider this: 

peterman: i am babey

The News(™): hes got a point guys

President lincoln: yeah thats fair

ned-->peter

Peter: are you thinking what im thinking

Ned: 100%

SSEA

gitc: mr stark

gitc: percy

gitc: would you do the do with hawkmoth

Tony Stank: i worry about you kids sometimes

mindiana jones: but would you?

mindiana jones: im actually a bit curious

Tony Stank: no, i am cuter and richer than him

babey avenger: fair

babey avenger: percy?

Tony Stank: he’s probably not on his phone right now. He’s at a family reunion

mindiana jones: like. his mom’s family, right?

Tony Stank: i sincerely hope so.

Godly buttkicker: Photo Attachment

[Percy is standing in what looks like a giant field. A few temples high up on a far away hill can be seen in the background. He is posing with ten people---a girl with dark skin and curly hair, a pale boy in an aviators jacket, a punk-looking girl in silver, a blonde boy with glasses and a scar on his lip, a man wearing gold with a startlingly bright smile, an auburn haired woman with a bow on her back, a curly haired man wearing a UPS uniform, a man with a scowl and a buzzcut, a portly man holding a coke, and a burly man with leg braces]

Godly buttkicker: me and some of my first cousins!

mindiana jones: s o m e

Tony Stank: dear god

babey avenger: gods, actually.

gitc: all of those are gods except for the four we met right

Godly buttkicker: yep :)

gitc: ok then

Godly buttkicker: Video Attachment

[The cameraman is shakily holding a phone, laughing behind the camera. Percy is seen standing with a strong looking brunette girl wearing camo pants. They are in the middle of what looks to be the longest handshake known to man. The cameraman whispers into the microphone, now recognizable as Hazel:

Hazel: he and clarisse have known each other since they were 12. They do this every time they see each other. We’re about 4 minutes in so far.

The two do a fistbump and then a serious of handshakes and a clap

Percy: you are the ugliest person i’ve even met. you get worse every year. every time i see you i gag a little. 

Clarisse: i have never met anyone more worthless or pathetic than you

They bump elbows and then knees, then continue on for half a minute.

Clarisse: Wait a damn minute, you little shit---

End of description]

Godly buttkicker: she falls for it every time. The last i remember of her face was when she was like fifteen. 

babey avenger: that handshake inspires us all

gitc: pete and i will strive to do better

Godly buttkicker: pic with the fam :)

Godly buttkicker: [Photo attachment]

[It is an aerial view of a field jampacked with people. Seriously, it’s like a football stadium’s worth of people, standing shoulder to shoulder. There are so many people here. What the fuck.]

Godly buttkicker: most of the nature spirits werent able to make it, plus we didn't invite the super evil ones, so its not everyone, but we did our best

Tony Stank: 

baby avenger:

mindiana jones:

gitc:

Godly buttkicker: im in the corner by most of the horses :)

Tony Stank: HORSES????????

mindiana jones: i have never considered the ramifications of the greek gods being real until now. I regret that deeply. 

Godly buttkicker: i’m related to a whirlpool with teeth

gitc: now you cant just go around saying stuff like that

baby avenger: why.

Godly buttkicker: my dad’s a whore and i suffer for it

Our family tree is a wreath

Horse girl: percy where are you 

Horse girl: the mild grievance matches are about to start

Has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: on my way

SSEA

Godly buttkicker: Video Attachment

[It is what looks like a boxing ring. Two people are fighting in it, weapons discarded at a table next to the entrance. They are both swearing at each other loudly and viciously]

Tony Stank: theres a boxing ring at your family reunion?

Godly buttkicker: there isn't at yours?

Godly buttkicker: oop---

Godly buttkicker: Video Attachment:

[The crowd is cheering as the two fight. In the front row, one person accidentally twacks someone in the face with an excited arm. They punch them back, and soon enough the two are rolling on the ground, fists flying]

mindiana jones: oh my god

gitc: violent

Godly buttkicker: i know its great

Godly buttkicker: hey i love this partaasdfghjkgrehreds

Tony Stank: 

Tony Stank: perce?

baby avenger: they killed him

gitc: damn :/

mindiana jones: dibs on his knives

baby avenger: we’ll take care of mrs o'leary together

gitc: a group effort to raise her right

Tony Stank: ill pay for her college

mindiana jones: we expect no less

Tony Stank: i can get her into MIT with one phone call

Godly buttkicker: Video Attachment

[Everyone is fighting. The entire field, people are yelling and swearing. Some are wrestling, some fistfighting, some sword and knife fighting. Spears, clubs, and batons are being used as well. Somebody throws a shield. There is a group of kids off to the side arming cannons towards a specific group of people. Another kid gets turned into a piglet by a cackling girl. Arrows are being shot all the way across the field. Many things are on fire.

Percy is in the middle of this. He is beating down a man---the one with the buzzcut from the cousin's photo. There is a small ring of people around them cheering.]

Godly buttkicker: Video Attachment: 

[Its even more chaotic now, somehow. Lightning is striking down. Percy is standing with a group of very pretty looking people on a raised platform of earth that he clearly made, and he is smiling while they all issue random commands that, for some reason, the people down below are following. 

Unknown: Alright, that’s enough!

Lightning begins to strike down. Percy laughs, as does the girl next to him.

Percy: Bring it on!

Unknown girl: Try us, Sparky! ]

Godly buttkicker: Video Attachment: 

[Mid-air now, Percy is wrestling with ‘Sparky’, now identified as his cousin Jason. The punk girl is cheering Percy on until the girl from before sneaks up on her and tackles her to the soggy grass. ]

Godly buttkicker: Video Attachment: 

[The phone is now being held by the pale boy with the aviators jacket.

Nico: Hey, it’s Nico now. Percy gave me his phone because his third least favorite half brother showed up. Percy’s going to beat his ass. It’ll be great.

He zooms the camera in to a clearing in the field, where a young man, with a vague resemblance to Percy, stand. The man’s chin in tilted up, nose in the air. 

Nico: That’s Triton. He sucks. Over there is his mom, Amphitrite, and Poseidon. 

Indeed, a pretty woman is standing, looking a little annoyed, while Triton gloats. Poseidon just looks resigned.

Triton: —father’s favorite, I’m his heir—

Percy: —you’re both immortal, dumbass, you’re not gonna inherit shit—

Triton: —if he hadn’t wasted his time with that mortal, you wouldn't have—

Percy: —you little pissbaby, get a fucking hobby—

Triton: —I'm actually Atlantean, unlike you, halfbreed—

Percy: —you pathetic little bitch, seriously, you've been saying this almost a decade, i still don't care—

Triton: —soiled our bloodline with that peasant of a mortal woman—

It grows scarily silent. Poseidon raised a sole eyebrow. 

Percy: did you just insult my mom?

A collective ‘oooh’ goes across the thousands watching. Triton takes a step back. 

Triton: I—

Percy is already running at him.]

Chapter Text

SSEA

baby avenger: you know

baby avenger: i feel like the internet misses out on a lot

Tony Stank: what?

baby avenger: you know. everyone looks up to the avengers and stuff

mindina jones: but they still dont know how stupid you guys are

baby avenger: h e y

mindiana jones: are you going to look me in the eyes and tell me im wrong?

baby avenger:

baby avenger:

baby avenger: damn

Godly buttkicker: im a dumb bitch, sure 

Godly buttkicker: but everything i do is calculated to the decimal

Godly buttkicker: you guys just dont like my math

mindiana jones: fair

Tony Stank: i do hate 70% of the things you do

Godly buttkicker: thank you i try

Godly buttkicker: my friend piper is reading over my shoulder and says she agrees

baby avenger: i just realized the internet dosent really know anything about percy

Godly buttkicker: wdym

Godly buttkicker: oh wait

Godly buttkicker: i forgot you guys didnt know about the terrorist thing

gitc: the what

Tony Stank: the WHAT

Godly buttkicker: uh later skaters ✌

Tony Stank: PERCY

baby avenger: ok so while mr stark is going to try and chase percy down

baby avenger: i will be informing the masses

baby avenger: mr stark? Any objections?

baby avenger: none?

baby avenger: ok thanks for you compliance (✿◠‿◠)

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

The Newest Cryptid: The Agent Who Lives In Stark Tower

[ Video description: The camera is set on a counter, slightly hidden behind a bowl of fruit. In the kitchen, Tony Stark is facing away from it, focused on a cutting board. He works in silence for a minute, before another person enters the kitchen.

TS: Hey, Aquaman, is my water boiling?

‘Aquaman’ turns towards the stove and walks over to the pot. He then proceeds to stick his hand into it, up to his wrist. He holds it there for a second.

PJ: Yes.

He pulls his hand out of the pot, seemingly unbothered. He then picks up an apple, and leaves the kitchen. End of video description. ]

Frogsareneat @littlegreenboy

hey hi yes what the fuck

merp @lowla

who---

mossboy @localfungi

god bless mr. parkour for keeping the tony stark fans well fed

weenie @cissiesmith

well yeah but WHO THE FUCK IS THAT

Frogsareneat @littlegreenboy

and he just stuck his hand in boiling water???????????? Um???

Tony Stank: peter. 

baby avenger: yes?

Tony Stark: what did you just post

baby avenger: documentary

gitc: its quality stuff

Tony Stank: i swear to god you live to give me gray hairs

baby avenger: i needed to spread the word, mr stark. I will be their messiah

Tony Stank: 

Tony Stank: i dont even know how to RESPOND to that

Tony Stank: did you ask percy?

baby avenger: kind of???

Tony Stank: elaborate. 

baby avenger: i walked over. i asked him if i could do something

baby avenger: he cut me off and said, and i quote

baby avenger: “i dont care as long as its to cause chaos”

Tony Stank: everything about that man unnerves me a little bit.

baby avenger: “also you wouldn't last in jail. keep that in mind.”

mindiana jones: its true you look like you belong in a pixar movie

baby avenger: :(

mindiana jones: my point? proven. 

Mr harrington please stop sending memes challenge

[Scary Captain has removed fastest man alive]

President lincoln: oop--

The News(™): ppft

peterman: MJ!

Murphy’s law: and we love to see it

moonmoon: i saw this and almost crashed my car

nedleedle: oh i forgot! Hows drivers ed?

moonmoon: scary. dont like it

Avril levigne: god thats a mood 

peterman: i think you are the only two taking it right now

Scary Captain: yeah, none of us have our license 

moonmoon: so none of you can help me cheat on my test (¬_¬)

peterman: well you see. None of us have taken it.

Avril levigne: fake friends smh

peterman: :(

Avril levigne: not you peter you amaze us all every day

peterman: :)

Scary Captain: disgusting. 

nedleedle: you say it like you dont love peter with your whole heart like the rest of us

Scary Captain: thin ice, leeds.

President lincoln: im not seeing any denial 👀

The News(™): oop

peterman: hey wait a second

peterman: !!!!! idea

peterman: there is one among us who can drive

Avril lavigne: pete, you know mr harrigton got his license revoked for hijacking that truck

peterman: well yeah duh

peterman: but

peterman: @spicey

spicey: im busy what you want

Murphy’s law: oh my god i forgot he was here

spicey: all in a days work

peterman: but you know how to drive right?

spicey: i can drive, yes

peterman: ok cool so you have a license and stuff

spicey: ...i can drive, yes

moonmoon: dubious but ill take it

moonmoon: how do i win the drivers test

spicey: take car. drive away. go fast.

moonmoon: thank you for your wisdom

Murphy’s law: im pretty sure thats horrible advice, cindy

spicey: and im pretty sure you’re failing english, charles.

The News(™): WOAH

nedleedle: GODDAMN

peterman: WHY WOULD YOU KILL HIM LIKE THAT

spiecy: i didnt get shot on international television for this

peterman: what

President lincoln: McScuse Me

Avril lavigne: ???

nedleedle: explain??

spicey: no

moonmoon: uhhhhhh ill send pictures of my dogs if you do??

spicey: oh hell yeah thats a deal

Rowdy boys

Small™: percy you cant see the pictures???

Jalapeno eating king: they’re for mrs oleary duh

Small™: oh shit my b

Small™: also i know you can drive but

Small™: can i ask how?????

Jalapeno eating king: 🤪

Small™: fear

Mr harrington stop sending memes challenge

spicey: remember like. The stark gala a while ago ?

Avril lavigne: holy shit yeah it was super scary

moonmoon: yeah i remember it was all the news would cover for like a month

spicey: heh yeah

spicey: and remember that guard that took the bullets

nedleedle: yeah?

The News(™): w

The News(™): THAT WAS YOU?????

spicey: yeah

peterman: PJ

peterman: DUDE

spicey: nah its chill i got to keep the bullets

Scary Captain: literally why would you want that?

spicey: they entered my organs. im keeping them. I deserve it.

spicey: legally nobody can stop me

Murphy’s law: i mean

Murphy’s law: i guess????

moonmoon: but you just. got shot??

spicey: three times on tv yes

President lincoln: are you ok??

spicey: lmao yeah

spicey: if i get a few more ill be up to 69

Murphy’s law: nice

moonmoon: nice

Avril lavigne: nice

President lincoln: nice

nedleedle: nice

Scary Captain: nice

The News(™): nice

peterman: nice

President lincoln: wait one second

President lincoln: you'll be up to 69 what

moonmoon: bullet wounds???

The News(™): wait PLEASE tell me this man is not talking about gunshots like pokemon cards

nedleedle: honestly

peterman: we dont even know either

peterman: pj???

Murphy’s law: dude??

The News(™): mr pj spicey please we are on the edge of our seats

Scary Captain: and there he goes. He has delivered his cryptic message

nedleedle: and now, he is gone

President lincoln: pj is the only valid cryptid

Avril lavigne: rt

Murphy’s law: also i love how he didnt react at all to the knowledge that mr harrington hijacked a truck

nedleedle: tbh pj probably helped him

Scary Captain: yeah, he’s like that. 

peterman: he just walked over to me and went “you see, that’s the exact type of person who should be influencing young minds” then went back to his knitting

moonmoon: h

moonmoon: he knits?

nedleedle: yes he makes us sweaters

peterman: god bless

Chapter Text

SSEA

Godly buttkicker: are none of you really gonna explain what the questions about fury were about

Tony Stank: no

Godly buttkicker: tell me or else

Tony Stank: or else what

Godly buttkicker: OR i send pepper and rhodey the video of you laying on the floor covered in spaghetti

Tony Stank:

Tony Stank: you are the worst person alive

Godly buttkciker: <3

mindiana jones: weak.

Tony Stank: you underestimate how hellish my life would be if the two of them get their hands on that photo

Tony Stank: i dont even know how percy got it, honestly

Tony Stank: i was alone when that happened

Godly buttkicker: thats what they all think 

baby avenger: o-o

mindiana jones: i present percy jackson, deathstroke, the living embodiment of the >:) emoticon

baby avenger: ppft

[baby avenger has changed Godly buttkicker’s name to ‘>:)’]

>:): …

baby avenger: WAIT

gitc: ?

[baby avenger has changed >:)’s name to’ ( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ’]

Tony Stank: oh my god its perfect

mindiana jones: how long did it take you to find that

baby avenger: like 15 minutes but it was totally worth it

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: thank you i love it

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: but dont think you can distract me from the fury social media questions

Tony Stank: damnit

gitc: percy, do you have social media?

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: no

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: demigods and phones dont really mix

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: its basically a homing beacon for monsters

mindiana jones: holy shit really???

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: yeah i never really had a phone growing up, other than a landline

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: even after i was an Adult(™) and moved out, and my family wouldn't be in danger, i only really used burners

baby avenger: wack

Tony Stank: yeah a lot makes sense now

mindiana jones: huh

mindiana jones: interesting

mindiana jones: but basically, theres an account that people believe is nick fury

gitc: and it has like, mad firewalls. I cant crack it

baby avenger: the account literally has more followers than the president

gitc: its all shitposts, too

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: ...and you guys actually think that’s fury????

Tony Stank: with that kind of encryption?? Absolutely. 

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: 

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: i straight up dont believe this im sorry

baby avenger: see for yourself then

gitc: dibs on making the account

Tony Stank: oh god

Tony Stank: this wont end well

kelp face @localcryptid

0 Followers | 0 Following

SSEA

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: i knew introducing you to Thalia was a mistake

gitc: shrug emoji

mindiana jones: did you just type shrug emoji

gitc: no

mindiana jones: *squint*

mindiana jones: aight that checks out

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: HEY WHAT THE FUCK

Tony Stank: what??????

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: IM the 12 year old terrorist here!!!

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: ooooooh when i find this bitch its game over

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: thats my thing :(

mindiana jones: i mean if you can find them

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: >:)

kelp face @localcryptid

@12yearoldterrorist

kelp face @localcryptid

@12yearoldterrorist

kelp face @localcryptid

@12yearoldterrorist

kelp face @localcryptid

@12yearoldterrorist

kelp face @localcryptid

@12yearoldterrorist

nick fury @12yearoldterrorist

What

kelp face @@localcryptid

Bitch

nick fury @12yearoldterrorist

oh

SSEA

baby avenger: !!!! he made contact!!!!

gitc: finally some plot development

baby avenger: what

gitc: what

tony stark stan account @ilovehim

Shoutout to the one and only billionaire ever

Iron man <3 @starkswife

*slides you a double-sided piece of notebook paper written in gel pen*

reasons i love tony stark:

-clean energy!!! Icon :)

-simps for pepper potts

-kicked justin hammer in the nuts, on live TV

-this was before we knew he was a supervillain

-gives so many scholarships, dude

-hot 

-im just kidding

-sort of.

-found out his business partner was selling under the table weapons to terrorists and nazis and just straight up killed him

-uses his position to uplift other peoples voices!!!!!

-pays for damage the other avengers *cough cough captain america cough cough* cause

-sells prosthetics for free???? Because he can???

-pretty :)

Captain America Hate Blog @teamironman

You also forgot that he either 

1. Has a teenage intern who regularly makes fun of him, and allows it

Or

1. Just follows the account because he thinks its funny

Iron man <3 @starkswife

god youre so right

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

ive been summoned

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

oh???

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

a simple addition:

-always tells his bots he’ll donate them to a community college, but once punched a general who was mean to them

-makes me hot chocolate

-let me keep a kitten in the tower for a week until it was healthy

-gives good hugs

tony stark stan account @ilovehim

we’ve been graced with the presence of a god

Avengers!!!! @superherostan

Mr parkour ill give you my kidney to describe what his hugs are like

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

I would never take your kidney!!!!!! Ill tell you for free :)

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

they are WARM and SOFT and he smells NICE

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

easily a 12/10

Iron man please marry me @starklover

oh my god,,,,,,,,,,,

Avengers!!!! @superherostan

soft 

Captain America Hate Blog @teamironman

soft 

merp @lowla

Wait nobody @ed the intern kid

merp @lowla

How did he find the thread

tony stark stan account @ilovehim

OH MY GOD

tony stark stan account @ilovehim

mr. parkour were you just scrolling through the tony stark stan pages???

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

...no comment

Frogsareneat @littlegreenboy

A W W W W

You Know Who I Am @TonyStark

425.7 Mil Followers | 35 Following

weenie @cissiesmith

ok so we agree the intern kid is legit, we’ll never find out about the nick fury account

weenie @cissiesmith

but TS just followed someone else???

mossboy @localfungi

oh shit who

weenie @cissiesmith

@local cryptid ??????

Mindy @mindyydnim

alright now who the FUCK is this

Mindy @mindyydnim

they aren’t following anyone, never posted anything????

astrology, hoes @starcharts

wait no he just posted something

astrology, hoes @starcharts

he called the nick fury account a bitch????

ferris wheel fighter @uhov4hiorei

the account was JUST made

ferris wheel fighter @uhov4hiorei

so let me get this straight

weenie @cissiesmith

you cant get anything straight but continue

ferris wheel fighter @uhov4hiorei

bitch i---

ferris wheel fighter @uhov4hiorei

ANYWAYS as i was saying

ferris wheel fighter @uhov4hiorei

this person makes a twitter account, gets followed by tony stank but dosent follow him back, because they were too busy verbally attacking the cryptic nick fury account

Pepper potts marry me challenge @deno

and it was on SIGHT too

weenie @cissiesmith

wild

Chapter Text

Mr harrington please stop sending memes challenge

moonmoon: gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss. mansplain, manipulate, malewife. 

moonmoon: choose your alignment 

Scary Captain: girlboss

nedleedle: gatekeep

The News(™): also girlboss

Murphy’s Law: mansplain

president lincoln: i feel like i could pull off malewife

peterman: i do too

peterman: gaslight is pretty tempting tho

avril lavigne: peter you couldn't lie to save your life

peterman: hey!!!!

peterman: yes i could >:(

Murphy’s Law: dude you cant keep anything a secret

Murphy’s Law: when betty planned a surprise party for me last year?? Remember?

moonmoon: charles asked what we were talking about, you freaked out and yelled “apples aren't real” 

peterman: I PANICKED OKAY???

avril lavigne: don't worry peter, we still love you

avril lavigne: even though you couldnt keep a secret if your life depended on it

peterman: 

peterman: ok

nedleedle: what do you think mr. stark is???

peterman: i have no idea

moonmoon: peter. If you go up and film you asking him, i will give you my kidney

peterman: hmmmm

peterman: well i have been in the business for a new one

peterman: you’ve got yourself a deal, moon

---

Rowdy Boys

Small™: im about to do something hilarious

Small™: come to the lab

jalapeno eating king: im running—

---

peterman: Video Attachment

[Video description: Peter is walking with his phone, the camera sneakily pointed at the floor. All we can see is his socks---they are patterned with Thor’s hammer. He is heard quietly snickering as he walks across the shiny tiled floors.

Peter: Hey, Mr. Stark? 

Tony: What’s up, kid?

Here, Peter clears his throat, clearly psyching himself up. Then, through a laugh, he says:

Peter: Do you feel like a girlboss?

Tony: … 

Tony: What?

Peter giggles.

Peter: Girlboss, gaslight, or gatekeep?

Tony is silent. 

Peter: Or, perhaps, you feel a stronger connection to mansplaining? Manipulate, or malewife?

Here, Peter risks moving the camera up to get a shot of Tony’s blank face. 

Tony, quietly: Is this one of those trends you like?

Peter: Irrelevant. 

Tony sighs and turns back to his workbench. It is silent for a long moment, the man focused on his project. Then, consideringly, he adds;

Tony: Manwhore. 

Peter’s roaring laughter is cut off by the video ending.

End of video description]

moonmoon: PFFFFT-

President Lincoln: BHAHAHAHAHA

avril lavigne: WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD

nedleedle: p e t e r

peterman: your kidney. hand it over. 

---

SSEA

baby avenger: percy is on the floor laughing

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: adfrejkrekjbgrebjk can you blame me????

baby avenger: oh my god you keysmash

baby avenger: does percy jackson is do gay?

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: pete. 

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: im ancient greek

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: at this point i think its an inherited trait

mindiana jones: mmm fair point

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: when i came out to my dad he was just like “yeah” 

gitc: f

gitc: cindy is losing her mind rn

Tony Stank: i stand by what i said

mindiana jones: ive never liked you more than i do now

Tony Stank: thanks? I think?

---

Mr harrington please stop sending memes challenge

The News(™): i cant believe tony stark outed himself as a thot

moonmoon: the world will never emotionally recover

president lincoln: peter. If you know tony stark

president lincoln: and HE knows pepper potts,,,,

peterman: !!!!!!!!!!

avril lavigne: DO NOT

Murphy’s Law: if you ask pepper potts if she’s a gatekeeper, i think god will strike you down without question

Scary Captain: peter. Im warning you

Scary Captain: dont bother ms potts

nedleedle: i think its too late

nedleedle: hes probably running up the stairs in the tower as we speak

The News(™): a preemptive rip for one peter benjamin parker

president lincoln: rip

avril lavigne: dont even go there abe

avril lavigne: you are the one that started all of this

---

peterman: Video Attachment

[Video description: Peter is sprinting up the stairs and down a nice-looking hallway at inhuman speeds. He stops at a large oak door. In the placard by the room number, the name V. Potts is displayed. Peter knocks politely on the door. 

Pepper, muffled: Come in!

Peter briskly opens the door and walks to the desk. He slams a hand down on the wood.

Peter: Ma’am.

Peter: Would you classify yourself under the category of girlboss, gaslight, gatekeep, manipulate, mansplain, or malewife?

Pepper looks distinctly amused. She cups her chin in her palm, tilting her head to the side a little. 

Pepper: Hmm… 

She nods once. 

Pepper: I’d have to say I’m partial to girlboss, myself. Though manipulate is a good one as well. 

Peter: Thank you for your service.

The video cuts to a confused man in decorated military dress sitting on the couch, looking up at Peter from a stack of paperwork. 

Rhodey: I’m sorry, what?

Peter: If you had to classify yourself, Mr. Colonel Rhodes War Machine Sir. What would you pick?

The Colonel still looks a little confused, but considers it. 

Rhodey: Uh, gatekeep? 

Rhodey: And what have I told you about calling me that?

Peter laughs. 

Peter: Thank you for your time, Colonel.

The camera cuts, once more, to a different setting. An abnormally large black dog is sitting on the couch, drooling on what looks like a very expensive pillow. She wears an ocean colored collar and a white harness with fluorescent stripes. 

Peter approaches the behemoth of a dog, cooing and baby talking.

Peter: Who’s a good girl? Aw, it’s you. Best girl. Fantastic dog. 

The dog breaks out into a smile, showcasing canines as long as Peter’s pinkie. He reaches forward and rubs her head. 

Peter: You’re a girlboss. I just know it. 

She licks his hand. 

Now, he moves the camera away from the dog to the cushy armchair next to it. A tall man is sitting in it, elbows on the knees of his spread legs, sharpening a long steel xiphos. Dark hair hangs over his eyes, obscuring most of his face. 

Peter: Hi, PJ!

PJ doesn't look up, but he gives Peter and acknowledging nod. 

PJ: Hey. 

Peter inches forward.

Peter: Ok. So. 

Peter: Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss. Mansplain, manipulate, malewife.

Peter: Which one are you?

Momentarily, the steady scraping of PJ’s sharpening pauses. He cocks his head to the side, then resumes his steady motions. 

PJ: Manslaughter. 

Peter: 

Peter: ...okay

End of video description]

peterman: PS if you guys show this to anyone MJ is gonna shove your eyes down your esophagus

Scary Captain: 🔪 

moonmoon: peter i cant believe you

moonmoon: you give us god’s gift to man

moonmoon: but we cant even show anyone

President lincoln: forget T H A T

President lincoln: war machine classified himself as gatekeep???

The News(™): and pepper confirmed she knew she's a girl boss

avril lavigne: okay but

avril lavigne: i know rich people are ✨quirky and eccentric✨

avril lavigne: but having a fucking bear on the couch is a tad much, methinks

peterman: oh thats just my friends dog

President lincoln: d o g ? ? ? ?

peterman: yeah :)

peterman: shes a sweetheart

Murphy’s Law: and that scariest man i’ve ever seen??? Just sitting on the couch with a sword??

moomoon: yeah like i know superheroes are funky

moonmoon: but the broadsword was a little much

peterman: oh he’s not a superhero

peterman: that’s my friend PJ

peterman: the one who ate all the jalapenos, remember?

moonmoon: 

The News(™):

President lincoln: 

Murphy’s Law:

avril lavigne: 

nedleedle: i think you broke em, pete

peterman: ?

moonmoon: THATS PJ????

President lincoln: ARE YOU SERIOUS

The News(™): I THOUGHT HE’D BE LIKE. SOME RANDOM GUY

The News(™): NOT AN ACTION HERO WITH A SWORD

avril lavigne: HE LOOKS LIKE THE MAIN CHARACTER

Murphy’s Law: and that bear is his???

peterman: dog* and yes

peterman: also he would like you to know its not a broadsword

peterman: its a xiphos

peterman: hes very particular like that

moonmoon: peter, and i cannot express this enough,

moonmoon: what the fuck

Chapter Text

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

[Video description: The camera is facing Peter, who is wearing a thick jacket with the hood pulled up. “It’s cold as fuck.” He whispers into the mic of his earbuds.

The camera then flips around to the rubber chicken in his hands. He is very determinedly fitting the other earbud in the mouth of the chicken. Without a word, he slowly squeezes it and throws it. As soon as he lets go, the infernal chorus begins.]

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

Oh my god i forgot my phone was plugged into my headphones

You Know Who I Am @TonyStark

You post something like THIS

You Know Who I Am @TonyStark

And that is the thing you regret?

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

😔

Mr harrington please stop sending memes challenge

Scary Captain: god fucking damnit

Scary Captain: flash snitched

Scary Captain: now morita says i have to add flash back to the chat

President lincoln: gross

The News(™): ill call the fucking exterminator

nedleedle: absolutely disgusting

[Scary Captain has addled fastest man alive to the chat]

Scary Captain: behave or i’ll beat the shit out of you

fastest man alive: whatever, jones

murphy’s law: HOOHOOHO MY GOD

murphy’s law: PAUSE THE FLASH THREATENING PLEASE

murphy’s law: I JUST SAW SPIDERMAN SWINGING ABOVE MY STREET

peterman: spider-man*

fastest man alive: spider-man*

moonmoon: jesus christ theres two of them

Avril lavigne: peter, you like spider-man too?

peterman: 

peterman: 

peterman: 

peterman: hes ok i guess

fastest man alive: ugh

fastest man alive: further proof that penis is a fucking idiot

fastest man alive: spider-man is the best superhero ever

Scary Captain: what did i say, flash?

fastest man alive: what, like im wrong? 

fastest man alive: or do you hate spider-man too?

peterman: i never said i hated the guy

Scary Captain: i like spider-man a fair amount. Its good we have somebody fighting for the average citizens, to do what the avengers can’t. 

peterman: 

peterman: ok

moonmoon: peter just dropped his phone

moonmoon: you good bud?

peterman: peachy, thank you cindy

fastest man alive: ok back to spider-man

fastest man alive: he’s just the best hero. nobody really does what he does, going out there every day and keeping the streets safe. It’s really admirable. He’s a hero, through and through. 

Avril lavigne: wait for it

fastest man alive: id also let him snap by spine like a glow stick

Avril lavigne: there it is

Rowdy Boys

jalapeno eating king: is,,,,,,,,,

jalapeno eating king: is this a normal occurrence

Small™: what?

jalapeno eating king: flash

Small™: how the fuck do i consistently forget you are in the chat

jalapeno eating king: easy

jalapeno eating king: because im an ~international super spy~

Small™: wa

Small™: was that a fucking backyardigans refrence

jalapeno eating king: absolutely. I binge it with my little sister.

Small ™ : i-

jalapeno eating king: im a uniqua stan. She prefers pablo, but only because he is blue, which i can respect. 

Small ™ : im shaking why are you giving me this information

jalapeno eating king: because nobody

jalapeno eating king: will ever

jalapeno eating king: believe you. 

Small™: oh you sick bastard

jalapeno eating king: <3 <3 <3

jalapeno eating king: now answer the question

Small™: percy i swear to god

jalapeno eating king: im fucking crying peter is it normal

Small™: 

Small™: yes

jalapeno eating king: one day, far in the future, this is going to be even funnier

Small™: i hate you

jalapeno eating king: liar

Small ™ : :/

jalapeno eating king: but speaking of flash

jalapeno eating king: say the word

jalapeno eating king: ill make that kid believe in god.

Small™: that is very threatening thank you

Judas!!!! No!!

one hit KO: nobody: 

one kit KO: percy ‘older brother’ jackson upon being within a mile of flash:

Loser 2: i think that’s how he shows affection

not a loser: hey when you think about it

not a loser: kind of like mrs oleary

one hit KO: what do you mean?

not a loser: remember when we took her on a walk and that guy shoulder checked you and me?

Loser 2: and she untied his shoelaces so he tripped in that gutter? how could i forget?

Loser 2: i didnt even know dogs could do that

not a loser: yeah i dont think anybody here really believes shes a dog

one hit KO: fair

not a loser: but if you r e a l l y think about it they are both very similar

not a loser: they both do that head tilt thing when they hear a noise

not a loser: they're like the same size but are somehow so goddamn stealthy

not a loser: both can fire automatic weapons

not a loser: both really like spicy peppers and have a weird aversion to lettuce

not a loser: same hair color

Loser 2: except from percy’s stress induced(?) grey streak yeah

one hit KO: i always assumed he had like. A birthmark.

one hit KO: but holy shit ive never really thought about it like that

Loser 2: consider the fact that im not sure we’ve ever seen them together

not a loser: consider that we literally have?????

Loser 2: maybe he’s just fast, michelle. 

one hit KO: orrrr

one hit KO: theYRE THE SAME PERSON

Loser 2: BRO OH MY GOD

one hit KO: BRO

Loser 2: IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW

not a loser: 

not a loser: 

not a loser:

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

[Video Description: A compilation of pictures with a voice-over

“This is Todd, he ate his parents.” 

A picture of an absolutely enormous dog chewing on what looks like a full size training dummy is shown. 

“This is Gustavo, he’s normally ok but every so often he cries until he throws up.”

This one is a picture of Peter, wearing a giant hoodie that clearly wasn't his, the hood up and the drawstring tight, obscuring his face as he curled up in a ball. 

“These are the twins; Free Willy and Free Britney.” 

Overtop, the words “my emotional support friends” are written. MJ and Ned are standing there, MJ with a sketchpad under her arm.

“This is Greg, he hates everyone, so if he likes you can have him for free.” 

This one is ‘Aquaman’ from Peter’s earlier video, standing with his arms crossed, an instrument case on his back. His scowl is something of nightmares.

“This is Let It Gopher, the lady who found him thought he was a gopher snowman, but he was actually a cat.” 

Once again, there are words atop this one. They say “This is Tony, we thought he was a responsible engineer, but he actually can’t boil water.”

“This is Death By Chocolate Lab, he has three legs and seven eyes, so he’s either cursed or really weird. But no ones died yet so we’re leaning towards weird.” 

Here, there is just a short clip of Spider-Man crawling on a ceiling. 

“This is Camilla Caballo. She is a horse.” 

It’s the giant dog again. End of video description.]

Frogsareneat @littlegreenboy

oh? my? god? 

Iron man <3 @starkswife

would i die for tony stark? Yes. will i make fun of him for not being able to boil water? Also yes. 

merp @lowla

that,,,,,dog,,,,,

weenie @cissiesmith

WAS THAT INTERN? WAS THAT PB???

Mindy @mindyydnim

!!!!!i think it was!!!!!

ferris wheel fighter @uhov4hiorei

that was so fucking cute i-

flash @fastestmanalive

holy shit was that spider-man???

Coolest Intern @peterparkour

Okay you guys really liked the last one so heres another bc im nice

{Video Description:

Another series of clips with voice overs

“Every friend group has… big tiddy identity crisis,”

Colonel Rhodes sits on a couch in the lab, his head in his hands. You’ve never seen a man look so tired. It’s a bit hard to hear over the audio, but Tony Stark is laughing maniacally.

“Sweet but no brain,”

It’s Peter, doing a very excited cartwheel.

“Omnipotent God,”

Mrs O’Leary, doing that cute little dog stretch they do after waking up from a nap.

“Wine Step Mom”

It’s Pepper in all her regal glory at her desk. 

“Encyclopedia Bitch”

Ned. He is standing in front of a projector in the “had to do it to em” stance. The projector is displaying a slideshow entitled ‘The Government Tells Us About The Moon. Should We Believe Them?’

“The one with goals”

MJ is standing, clipboard in hand, yelling at various classmates.

“Unbridled rage”

It’s Percy. He is sitting still. Too still. In the lens flare on his eyes red, or does he just look like that?

“Rich.”

It’s Tony, obviously, laying face down on the carpet, a mug of coffee in hand. End of video description.]

Chapter Text

Friday, December 24th

7:12 PM

Camp Half Blood, Long Island, New York

Christmases at Camp were always a little bit too much, in all the best ways. Tinny holiday music was blasting from at least three speakers that Percy could pinpoint,  all playing different songs. The entire camp, from the big house to the cabins, smelled like peppermint and pine. 

The warm weight on his shoulder shifted. “Perce, you should fuckin’ see this place. The Stolls,” Piper laughed. “Everythin’s covered in tinsel. I dunno where they even found it all.” Percy bit his lip against a smile. “Is it shiny?”

Piper flopped dramatically into his lap. “ So shiny.” She whispered, reaching an arm out to scratch Mrs. O’Leary on the head.

Putting a steady hand on her side to keep her from falling into the grass, Percy raised a brow. “Pipes, how much of Pollux’s eggnog have you had?”

She smiled. “A lot.” 

He snorted. “Right. Lovingly, you’re a mess.” She hummed in response. “You gonna leave soon?” 

Percy’s hand went to her hair, moving some of it off her face. “Yeah.” 

Piper nodded distantly, slowly shutting her eyes. As her breathing steadied out, Percy kept his ears open for Jason or Reyna’s familiar voice. Piper was definitely going to be out for a while, and he couldn’t stay here for much longer. 

It was the low timbers of the daughter of Bellona’s voice he caught first, standing by the bonfire with Gwen and Nico. As careful as he could, Percy shifted Piper into his arms. He moved carefully between the crowds, trying his best to not jostle his friend. 

Nico noticed him first. “Hey, Perce.” He gave the Hellhound a few greeting pats.

Reyna, who was either smart enough to stay away from the Dionysus kids’ eggnog, or could just hold her drink, turned towards him. “You got our girl, Jackson?” In response, Percy just lifted Piper a bit higher. Like always, as soon as her eyes fell on Piper, Reyna’s heart sped up, just a little. Percy smiled a little. He doubted Reyna even knew it happened; he certainly wouldn’t tell her. It was adorable, certainly, but an embarrassed Reyna was a violent one. 

“Where’s Jay?” 

The Preator cast a look over her shoulder. “With Hazel and Frank, I think.” She looked down at the mug held in her mittened hands. “I’m about done anyways. I’ll stay with her.” 

Percy nodded, adjusting his grip on Piper. As he walked, she turned her face into his chest. Probably getting drool all over his sweater, but, whatever. She assured him it was absolutely hideous when she picked it out, anyways. 

He and Reyna made the trek to the Poseidon cabin in silence, instead soaking in the chilly December air. It was barely windy, just a light breeze that ruffled his hair and made Piper grumble in her sleep. He could still hear the noise of the party, overlaid by the crunch of his and Reyna’s boots in the frost-coated grass. 

As they skirted around the canoe lake, Percy took a minute to feel the soft mist rolling across the surface, clinging to the ground and around his ankles. Mrs. O’Leary snapped at it with her fangs out. 

Reyna was the one to break the silence, her eyes still on the Hellhound’s fight with the cold mist. “So.” She shoved her hands into the pockets of her coats. “An Avenger, huh?” He had no doubt she was smiling.

Percy rolled his eyes. “Shut up.” He muttered. Reyna laughed quietly, as to not wake her girlfriend. “No, seriously. What’s it like?” 

He grinned. “Honestly? A lot of paperwork.” 

“They got a braille printer for you, right? I don’t need to do any ass kicking?” She questioned.

With a huff, Percy turned his head towards her so she could see his face. “Yes, Rey. Tony Stark and his fancy AI have so many goddamn accessibility options that it makes my head hurt. I’m doing fine.” 

“I know. We just…” She sighed. “We worry about you, you know?” The softness of her tone was one she used rarely. Percy swallowed. “I… I do. I appreciate it. Really.” He broke off for a second as they approached the wide circle of cabins. Reyna stepped in front of him, opening the door. 

As Percy stepped through the doorway, any terseness in his body evaporated. Even after all these years, Cabin 3 always had that effect on him. With Reyna’s help, Piper was placed on her usual bottom bunk on the far wall, blankets pulled up to her shoulders. 

The two of them sat on the edge of the only permanently unoccupied bunk, legs stretched out, Mrs. O’Leary between them. It was quiet, save for the sound of Piper’s soft breathing and the wind rustling through the leaves. 

Percy folded his arms over his chest, leaving back against the wall. “I know you guys worry.” He said, voice low and quiet. “It’s just…for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m actually helping people.” 

“I get that, Jackson. I do. I’m glad you’re happier now.” She tugged at the end of her long braid. “I never really trusted those SHIELD people.” 

He shrugged. “That makes two of us. I tried to warn them. They didn’t listen. I cut my losses.” 

She hummed. “I know you’re living it up in the Avengers Tower now, but if you ever get tired of being shot at…” Her lips twitched. “You’re always welcome with all of us in New Rome. Our armies have never looked better since you were there to drill ‘em.” 

Percy laughed. “Right. Thanks. I’m pretty sure everyone else would object to that, though.” 

She rolled her eyes. “You weren’t that bad.” 

He raised a brow. “I believe brutal was the word everyone else used.” 

Reyna just shrugged. “It worked.” 

They didn’t talk for a bit longer after that, just listening to the soft gurgling of the fountain in the corner. That was one of the things he had always liked best about Reyna; she was just as content to sit in the silence as he was. 

If he focused, he could feel the crowd in the amphitheater start to wane as the younger campers retired. He knew, if he went over there, some of the Dionysus kids would be breaking out the harder stuff, like they did every year once the kids below the drinking age went to bed. 

He swung his legs over the side of the bed. “That’s my cue.” 

Reyna opened one eye to squint at him. “Goin’ to try an catch her before you leave?” She asked through a yawn.

Percy nodded, stretching his shoulders. “Gotta get home soon, too. Mom promised to keep Stella up ‘till I got there. Don’t wanna keep them awake for too long, though—” Percy paused, tilting his head to the side. “Nico and Hazel.” He announced. 

Reyna sighed, letting her head thunk back against the wall. “Seven years, and that’s still creepy as shit.” He smiled at her.

True to his word, not even a minute later, Hazel opened the creaking door and gently as she could. “Piper asleep?” She whispered. Percy nodded. 

Nico closing the door behind them, they both made a beeline for Percy. “You heading out?” Nico prodded, though he already knew the answer.

“Yep.” Percy affirmed, catching both of them under his arms in a tight hug. Nico pulled a face, like always, but leaned into Percy’s side. Also like always. Hazel, from his right side, hummed. “Frank’s gonna be here in a few. You seen Leo and Jason?” 

“Why no, Hazel, I can’t say that I have.” 

As Hazel’s ears pinked, Nico jabbed him in the side. “Asshole. I know you know where they are.”  He muttered. Percy laughed. “Jason’s with Gwen, Leo’s with Nyssa and Harley.” Hazel nodded tiredly. Percy loosened his grip on both of them, not before planting a kiss atop Hazel’s curls and Nico’s dark locks. 

“I’ll visit soon.” He promised as he made his way to the door, Mrs. O’Leary hopping off the bed to follow. 

Nico crossed his arms. “You better!” He called. Percy just smiled and waved as he stepped outside. 

“If I see your dumbass on the news again, I’ll shadow travel to wherever the hell you are and kick your ass!” Nico’s aggravated voice called after him. 

It was just him and Mrs. O’Leary, now, her paws padding soundlessly on the grass. If not for the displacement in the mist and the slight vibrations in the ground, he might’ve not even known she was there.

They made it to the Dionysus cabin just in time. Emma stood on the porch in her pajamas, a thick fleece blanket around her shoulders. She was rocking back and forth on her heels, mug cupped in her hands. 

She squinted a little at Percy’s lone figure, the dark obscuring his face. Once he stepped close enough to the cabins that he was visible, Emma let out a loud squeal. She quickly set the mug down on the porch railing, then hopped over it in a singular smooth motion.

“Piper teach you that one?” Percy laughed as she barreled into him. Emma shook her head against his chest. “Reyna.” He rolled his eyes. “Right,” He muttered, arms coming up to wrap around her. “Should’ve known.” 

After a long minute, she pulled back a little. “I haven’t seen you in forever!” She accused. Percy smiled blandly. “Wish I could say the same.” 

“...You’re not funny, you know.” 

“On the contrary. I’m hilarious.” 

She scoffed, but a smile crept back up on her face anyway. “Where have you been?” 

Percy gave a small shrug. “Kind of everywhere, really. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy.” He said, tone apologetic. Her eyes gleamed. “Anything fun? Ooh, did you take down a drug ring? Or fight some magic terrorists? Have you met a wizard?”

He laughed. “Uh, yes, sort of, and that last one is classified.” 

She stared, unblinking. “Perseus Jackson, you better not be shitting me on that one. A wizard? ” 

He just smiled. “Anyways. I got you a Christmas present.” 

“Wh-wait, you can’t just move on from the wizard part—” She cut herself off as he thrust a wrapped package into her hands. She looked down at it, then up at him. Biting her lip to keep from laughing, she asked, “Did you wrap this?” 

He crossed his arms. “I can do many things, Em, but wrapping a present simply isn’t one of them.” His voice softened, his face taking on a smile. “Estelle insisted she do it.” 

The package was covered in at least six layers of Ariel and Flounder wrapping paper, and secured with pink duct tape. “Your sister amazes me.” 

Percy nodded. “She has that effect.” 

After a brief struggle, Emma tore it open. Inside, rested a beautiful curved blade with a serrated handle. Breath leaving her, she pried it out of its box and picked it up. “Holy shit, this is nice .” She whispered, tilting it side to side and watching the moonlight glint off the shining metal. “Where did you even get this?” 

She received a shrug in return. “I have a guy.” 

Emma barked out a laugh. “A knife guy?” 

“All sorts of weapons, actually. And I’m a mercenary, Em. Of course I have a guy.” Gently, he plucked the blade from between her fingers. “Now, listen to me about this.” She looked up at him. “This is sharp, alright? No practicing without supervision. I know Piper or Clarisse would be glad to teach you.” 

She nodded quickly. “Right. Don’t be stupid with weapons. And I’ll ask Piper. Clarisse scares me. I honestly don’t know how you befriended her.” 

“We just mostly beat the shit out of each other in our spare time.” 

“...Right. Well, thank you, Percy. I…I don’t have anything for you.” She frowned, hanging her head.

He nudged her with an elbow. “I don’t need a gift, Emma. I wasn’t expecting one. You didn’t even know I was gonna be here. Besides, what are surrogate older brothers for if not to randomly show up and give you weapons?” 

This brought a laugh out of her. “Still. Thanks. Merry Christmas, Percy.” Mindful of the knife, she leaned in and gave him another hug. He smiled. “Merry Christmas, Emma.” 

Friday, December 24th

8:42 PM

The Jackson-Blofis Apartment, New York

He went to his mom’s next. Paul and Estelle waited for him on the couch as his mom opened the door. 

Estelle was so happy to see him she almost squirmed right out of Paul’s arms as onto the floor. Percy barely caught her. 

He held her close to his chest, her arms around his neck, until she fell asleep. After he put her to bed, the three of them just sat in the living room and talked way past midnight.

“I’ll be gone by the time you wake up,” Percy said apologetically. His mom just nodded and kissed him on the forehead. “Merry Christman, filho .”

“Merry Christmas, Mom.” 

He slept on the couch that night, and, true to his word, was gone by the time Paul woke up to make coffee. 

Saturday, December 25th

11:03 AM

The Chase House, California

The Chase house never changed. Not really. 

When Percy went up the steps to the door, he could hear the laughter inside. Ms. Chase was the one to open the door for him. 

“Percy,” She said warmly. “We’ve been waiting for you.” 

He smiled and ducked his head. “Didn’t mean to keep you.” 

She shook her head. “Nonsense.” 

Bobby and Matthew both ran at him in the same time. Both of them were nearing their fourteenth birthdays, but he could still lift them both with ease. The two boys laughed, giving him a fierce hug. “Percy!” Bobby yelled. “I knew you’d come!”

Percy grinned. “Course, like I’d ever forget.” 

“Oh! Oh! Wait ‘till you hear what we got!” 

“Why don’t you go grab your new things from your rooms, boys.” Dr. Chase suggested. The twins ran off so fast it reminded Percy of the Stolls. 

Dr. Chase chuckled, watching the two speed out of the room. Then, he turned towards Percy. “Good to see you,” The man said with a smile. “How’ve you been? Anything exciting?” He leaned over the edge of the couch. “I hear you’ve been working with Dr. Stark himself.” 

Percy fought back a smile. “A little.” He agreed. 

The first time Percy visited the Chase house on Christmas, he was sixteen years old. Annabeth had taken him. Neither of them had come the year after; he was missing and Annabeth was still running herself ragged trying to find him. The year after that, he had been invited. 

The invitation had surprised him, at first. Grover was the one who told him he should go. “Annabeth…she’d want you to look out for them.” 

Percy knew the saytr had a point. So, that morning after Estelle had unwrapped all her presents, he threw on a coat and Mrs. O’Leary took him to California. Bobby and Matthew had remembered him, to his surprise. Annie’s cool boyfriend. 

“You were special to her. Maybe the most special. I…You can refuse if you’d like, Percy, but you’re a fine young man, and I’d like for you to stick around. She…I think she would have liked that as well.” 

So every year, he came back. He always brought gifts, too. 

The boys were easy. The first year, he’d gotten them each a good pair of hiking boots and, the next week, had supervised a trip to the Redwoods. Mrs. Chase had been a tad hesitant, but Fredrick just shrugged. “Personally, I can’t think of anyone better to protect our boys.” 

She’d relented eventually. 

The boys hadn’t stopped talking about it for weeks, afterwards. 

The two elder Chases were a bit more difficult. He figured it out eventually, though. Frederick liked almost anything he could read. Percy brought back the most interesting books he could find, from whatever corner of the globe he’d most recently visited. For Ms. Chase, it took a bit of asking, but she’d finally revealed that she had a deep passion for tea. So, wherever he stopped to get a book, he grabbed a new kind of tea, as well. 

“Tell me all about it.” The doctor practically demanded. Percy laughed. “Everything I can.” He promised.

Saturday, December 25th

4:13 PM

Stark Tower, New York

By the time he got back to Stark Tower, it was late in the afternoon. 

As he rode the elevator up, he could hear the Christmas music starting from floor 80. In contrast to Camp, everything was soaked in the smell of gingerbread and pine, instead of peppermint. 

(Long story short, it turns out spiders really don’t like peppermint. And, wouldn’t you know, their resident Spider was not fond of it either.)

Percy made a beeline to the kitchen, a giant tupperware of cookies in one arm and another of his mother’s hot chocolate in the other. He’d just dropped them on the counter when he heard Tony. 

“Hey!” Tony yelled. “You’re back! Great. I need you to hold this.” The engineer thrust a giant spool of lights into Percy’s hands. 

The demigod followed him obidiently as Tony strung them up across the fireplace. “How was Camp?” 

“Loud.” Percy offered. “My friend passed out on top of me. I hunted down her girlfriend, and we had to drag her ass back to my cabin. Got to talk to everyone again, though, which was nice. Saw Emma, too.” 

“Oh, yeah? How’s she doing?” 

Percy grinned. “Great. Has her brother wrapped around her finger.” 

Tony snorted. 

(Percy never mentioned going to the Chase household. Nothing against Tony; only a few people knew he did that every year. Maybe he’d bring it up one day, but… not today. It was Christmas day. They didn’t need a bunch of baggage with it.) 

Pepper showed up next. She kicked off her heels and dropped down on the couch. Percy got her a mug of hot chocolate. She kissed him on the cheek. 

Next was Peter and May, red-cheeked and bundled in a few too many layers. Peter especially. May had gotten word of his thermoregulation problems and, according to Peter, had gone majorly overboard. They brought a big thing of orange cinnamon rolls. Store bought, Peter had assured him. 

MJ and Ned showed up next. She brought apple cider and he brought muffins. Percy directed them to the kitchen while MJ grilled him on Dare Enterprise’s new land acquisition. 

Last was Rhodey, who came bearing his mother’s banana bread. On the way to the quickly overcrowding countertop, he turned on the fireplace, coating the room in a soft, warm glow. 

They ate in the living room while Tony turned on the audio description for Home Alone. The engineer was squished in the middle of Rhodey and Pepper on the small couch. May took up the armchair. Percy stretched across the loveseat with Mrs. O’Leary.  MJ and Ned sat on the soft carpet in front of the loveseat with blankets around their shoulders, leaning back against the two of them. Peter sat with them until he got cold and shoved his way into Percy’s side, burying his face in Mrs. O’Leary’s fur. 

In the midst of MJ and Rhodey arguing on whether or not Kevin was a sociopath or not, they started to drift off. Peter was first, his breathing slowly evening out. Then Pepper. Then May. Ned. Tony. MJ and Rhodey. 

Percy laid there awake the longest. 

“Hey, Fri?” He whispered. “Pause it, please.” He then added on, “Oh, uh. I’m pretty sure the lights are on. Can you turn them off?” While he obviously didn’t give two shits about how bright the room was, he didn’t want it to wake any of the others. 

“Of course.” The AI responded quietly. “Merry Christmas, Mr. Jackson.” 

He smiled, tilting his head up towards the ceiling. “Thank you. Merry Christmas, Fri.” 

Percy listened to the soft, steady heartbeats of the people around him until he fell asleep. 

He slept uninterrupted for the first time in months. 

When Percy woke up, the first thing he did was listen around him. It seemed only Rhodey and MJ were up; he could hear them softly moving around the kitchen. 

A part of him wanted to get up, to stretch out his joints and help with whatever they were doing, but, as if he knew what he was thinking, Peter let out a soft snore, curling into Percy’s side. 

Percy didn’t move a muscle for the next two hours. Until everyone was awake but Peter. 

Tony leaned over the couch. “Uh, hey?” The man murmured softly. “I really can’t tell if you’re awake or not.” He muttered. “Jackson?” 

Percy caught Tony’s outstretched finger an inch away from his face. “I’ve been up for hours. If you wake Peter, it will be the last thing you ever do.” 

“Fair.” 

Peter didn’t stir until an hour later. Even then, he refused to detach himself from Percy’s side. “How are you so warm?” The mutant muttered, mystified. Percy just shrugged. “I can’t get cold.” He said flatly. 

This had Tony leaning around to look at him. “Really?” 

“I mean. I swim in the Artic in my spare time, so, yeah.” 

Ned rubbed a tired hand through his hair. “Demigods are so weird.” 

Percy stuck his tongue out at him. Mrs. O’Leary copied the motion as she hopped up on one of the seats at the counter. “Hey, buddy. We were here first. As far as I’m concerned, you guys are the weird ones.” 

MJ paused. “Huh. Wait, if the whole Prometheus thing is real, does that mean evolution is fake?” 

In an instant, six heads turned towards him. He just shrugged. “Listen, I stopped asking questions around the time I found out Santa’s sleigh came from Artemis.” 

“ What ?”

“What?” 

(Peter stuck to Percy’s back all day. When May offered to try and pull him off, Percy met her eyes as best as he could. “I benched the sky,” He said. “Peter can stay.” 

“...alright.”)

Chapter Text

 SSEA

gitc: @ ( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ @Tony Stank do you guys know any good exorcists

Tony Stank: excuse me?

gitc: please

mindiana jones: [Video Attachment]

[Video Description: MJ is sitting on Peter’s bunk bed, pointing the camera down at the carpet. Slowly, she moves down, until the camera is level with the floor. Under the bed, you see one (1) Peter Parker, under the bunk. Ned tries to poke him, and Peter hisses at him. End of video description]

Tony Stank: what the actual fuck

Tony Stank: there is not enough room under that bed for him

Tony Stank: kid are you okay

gitc: hjkdhgjkhfuewh he reached an arm out and hes going for my r[phgrijne

gitc: hi mr. stark. this is peter. i am fine :)

Tony Stank: did you dislocate literally all of your joints??????

gitc: no

gitc: my bones are just stretchy

Tony Stank: 

Tony Stank: please tell me i’ve suddenly lost the ability to comprehend english because im pretty sure you just said your BONES ARE STRETCHY

Tony Stank: THATS NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN HAPPEN

Tony Stank: you’re killing me here, underoos

mindiana jones: explain, peter

gitc: spiders have no bones. i had some bones. got bit by magic spider. I now have Some Bones Sometimes

mindiana jones: i…

mindiana jones: im getting ned his phone back. 

Tony Stank: good. I… i need some time to think

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: peter, as someone who has extensive bone-stretching experience, i support you fully

baby avenger: thank you, percy

baby avenger: glad someone appreciates me

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: :)

[Daniel Wén-Campbell has added Lee Van Keppel, Aspen Anev, Bridgette Lehey, Ross Bunmi, Mal Tanuk, and PJ to the chat]

[Daniel Wén-Campbell has changed the chat name to ‘hey robloxers’]

Lee Van Keppel: dan i have never respected you less

Daniel Wén-Campbell: thats fair

Daniel Wén-Campbell: but if im going down, im going down all the way

[Daniel Wén-Campbell has changed their name to ‘roblox hacker’]

Bridgette Lehey: jesus christ it got worse

Aspen Anev: roblox?? Really?

Bridgette Lehey: aspen!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Aspen Anev: hi

Bridgette Lehey: :)

roblox hacker: simp

Bridgette Lehey: i’ll kill you.

roblox hacker: o-o

Mal Tanuk: f

Lee Van Keppel: @PJ @Ross Bunmi 

Lee Van Keppel: answer, cowards

Ross Bunmi: hewwo

Mal Tanuk: blocked

PJ: what do you people want

Ross Bunmi: you, always <3

roblox hacker: oh??????

Ross Bunmi: i mean i have the love of my life but like

Ross Bunmi: damn if i wouldnt tap that. Anyways

Ross Bunmi: line up, fuckers

[Ross Bunmi has changed their name to ‘jason derulo’]

[Ross Bunmi has changed Lee Van Keppel’s name to ‘unique and unhinged’]

[Ross Bunmi has changed Mal Tanuk’s name to ‘egg’]

[Ross Bunmi has changed Bridgette Lehey’s name to ‘local MILF’]

egg: wh

local MILF: excuse me

egg: how come aspen was safe????

jason derulo: aspen <3

egg: ok thats fair

local MILF: 1) i have No children and 2) the commander escaped too???

jason derulo: aspen’s was out of love. commander jackson’s was out of vague fear

egg: what happened to being horny for death???

egg: fake smh

jason derulo: ok but i want to die in a sexy fun way

jason derulo: not murdered in a basement by my boss

unique and unhinged: i am very ok with this name

roblox hacker: you would be

unique and unhinged: >:(

PJ: guys. we are supposed to be looking into a missing persons case. 

PJ: please. 

egg: oh fuck right

Our family tree is a wreath

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: leo you owe piper 5 bucks

mcshizzle: FUCK

pied piper: your vague but menacing secret agency???

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: made the group chat today, just like you predicted

pied piper: fuck yeah pay up loser

mcshizzle: percy you really couldnt have kept it quiet for one more week

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: and miss the chance of seeing you lose money? I think not

pied piper: hah ‘seeing’

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: lmao

horse girl: piper dont be mean

pied piper: he thinks its funny!!!!!!!

framk: percy also thinks making ‘run through by the giant king and holding my organs in’ jokes is funny

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: ok first off they are VERY funny and second

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: do you know how specific the circumstances have to be to make those jokes??? It's harder than you think

sparky: so perce are you gonna do it

RARA: Do what?

my chemical ron weasley: hazel and i bet him he couldnt act like a Responsible Boss for a couple months

my chemical ron weasley: hes a good actor for sure, but we think he’s simply to chaotic and that will override it

RARA: That is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard, and I used to listen to Octavian talk. 

pied piper: d a m n

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: im giving my all

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: i work regular hours. I remind them to finish deadlines. I hold conference calls. Ten minutes ago i assigned campbell extra paperwork for trying to revive flappy bird instead of writing his report. 

pied piper: holy fucking shit

framk: who are you and what have you done with percy

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: i am going to win this bet, franklin. 

framk: for the last time you know thats not my full name

sparky: its funny every time though

mcshizzle: percy….my man….my welding bro……what has the wheel of bureaucracy and capitalism done to you.,.........,,,..

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: oh dont worry last week rachel and i took sledge hammers and saws to some hostile architecture 

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: some guy tried to arrest us but i just pulled my badge out and told him the metal spikes on the ground were part of a alien plot to take over new york

horse girl: whoever let you in charge made a mistake

sparky: no no, let the man speak

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: since we’re technically our own division, we get a defense budget for guns n shit straight from the government. last week we spent it on cupcakes and then donated the rest

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: in the official report i wrote, it was spent on tracking down rogue hydra agents. It was really all mrs. o’leary and i sniffing them out. 

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: never in a million years will i be telling the WSC chairwoman that my team is simply too cool for guns, not when lee and ross made a separate budget for ‘funky outfits’

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: i can only assume they mean supersuits and will soon become vigilantes. They think i don't know. I have no plans to stop them. 

RARA: Jesus Christ. 

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

Father of Five: percy why the fuck did i see you and your team unloading 16 crates of berry blue jell-o into your headquarters

Father of Five: i literally just came to drop your prescription off. Why

crack dealer: it was my turn to pick the snack

crack dealer: also thank you i havent had time to go pick it up

Father of Five: yeah i know thats why i got it

Father of Five: thats so much jell-o where did you get it

Father of Five: i swear to god percy where did you get that money

crack dealer: hanover gave us another grant for medical supplies and hospital bills cause i got stabbed but i just hopped in the ocean for a bit so we used the money for snack

Father of Five: you got stabbed.

crack dealer: uh oh got to skedaddle

Father of Five: PERCY JACKSON

Chapter Text

SSEA

Tony Stank: do you ever have someone come up to you and say something and you’re just like. 

Tony Stank: w h a t

baby avenger: ye s all the time

baby avenger: like. please i do not understand you

gitc: me whenever someone talks about anything related to football in the slightest

mindiana jones: literally anything about crochet. I tried to learn once. it went horribly. 

baby avenger: me with any literary reference 😔 ✊

baby avenger: like ma’am. I do not read unless its the instructions on my hot pocket

mindiana jones: really think you would have memorized them by now

baby avenger: im a biochemist not a chef

Tony Stank: first off, peter, i really hope you aren’t eating that many hot pockets. you need more nutrients than that, especially with your mutation

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

crack dealer: oh my god 

crack dealer: and you still have the audacity to deny that child is your son

Father of Five: SH U T

SSEA

Tony Stank: second, this came from me trying to talk to a guy with a weird midwest accent

Tony Stank: he was an investor and pep wanted me to have a conference with him but i could not understand a single word coming out of his mouth it was horrible

Tony Stank: he already left and pepper is asking me how it went

Tony Stank: how do i tell her i don’t know

baby avenger: the mighty iron man,,,,,brought down by some fucker from ohio,,,,

mindiana jones: bold words, hot pocket man

baby avenger: we all have our weaknesses ok

baby avenger: football, people from kansas, crochet,,,,,

( ̿ ̿▀‿▀)▬▬ι═══════ﺤ: sign language

baby avenger: JGIAPRBSFFUI—

nick fury @12yearoldterrorist

the dinosaurs are still alive i just hid them in my trench coat

nick fury @12yearoldterrorist

[Photo Attachment: A blurry photo of a radish in low lighting]

merp @lowla

please marry me mr fury

weenie @cissiesmith

this is literally the first time he’s posted in months. what the fuck

Mr harrington please stop sending memes challenge

peterman: guys i think i fucked up

peterman: [Photo Attachment: Peter is sitting on the floor of a bathroom, completely surrounded by frogs. They are in his hair, on his clothes, covering the floor. Some are perched on the sink and the toilet seat.]

avril lavigne: far too many froggy. evacuate this instant

peterman: i cant

peterman: if i open the door they might get out

peterman: and the frogs are kinda,,,,,,secret

Murphy’s law: how the fuck did you get so many frogs

peterman: mr stark let me use his credit card,,,,,,......,.,.,,it was just supposed to be one

peterman: i got excited

moonmoon: you fucking dumbass

peterman: seriously what the heck do i do

bonmk @widget

Guys i just had the best idea

bonmk @widget → nick fury @12yearoldterrorist

bonmk: hey mr fury rate my meme

nick fury: hm. twist on a classic, but lacking a certain something. bonus points for making fun of the cap psas, though. 7/10

bonmk: thank you for your sage wisdom mr fury sir

hey robloxxers

jason derulo: @PJ

jason derulo: @PJ

jason derulo: @PJ

jason derulo: @PJ

PJ: what do you need, ross?

jason derulo: plant

jason derulo: i want to get an office plant

PJ: as long as you take care of it, i don’t see why not. 

jason derulo: FUCK YEAH

jason derulo: @unique and unhinged WERE GETTING THE CHIA PET

unique and unhinged: wait oh my god really

egg: we’re getting a chia pet??????

roblox hacker: mal has begun to vibrate at a frequency only animals can hear

aspen: doggie chia pet?

local MILF: im down w doggie

unique and unhinged: seconded! Love doggie

jason derulo: i, too, approve of doggie

egg: we are getting that doggie

roblox hacker: fifth vote for the doggie :)

Egg: @PJ

jason derulo: @PJ

local MILF: @PJ

aspen: @PJ

unique and unhinged: @PJ

roblox hacker: @PJ

aspen: just heard him sigh all the way across the office lmao

PJ: yes, you can get the doggie. 

egg: IM RUNNING

egg: GOING TO STORE RIGHT NOW

PJ: mal, we are in the middle of a case, and you don’t get off work for another hour. Nice try, though. 

egg: f u c k

our family tree is a wreath

has a buzzfeed unsolved episode: man this boss thing is so fun

Mr harrington please stop sending memes challenge

nedleedle: *staring out the window like a depressed victorian lady* when will my husband peter parker return from the war

peterman: as soon as he takes care of all these fookin froggs

Scary Captain: you are an idiot, parker

peterman: i know

peterman: i just. I didnt think it would work

moonmoon: you didnt think going online and buying things with a rich man’s credit card would work?????

peterman:

peterman: no 😔

[president lincoln has changed peterman’s name to ‘dumb little boy’]

dumb little boy: hEY

Scary Captain: it’s deserved.

dumb little boy: this screams transphobia. I cast my scorn upon you, abraham

moonmoon: wooooow abe

The News(™): smh you think you know a guy

Murphy’s Law: i cant believe you, abe

President lincoln: what????? Mj literally agreed with me?????

Avril lavigne: yeah, but its mj

moomoon: yeah

nedleedle: dont try to distract us from your prejudice, abe

dumb little boy: yeah ABE i cant believe you’d do this

Abraham lincoln: jesus christ fine im sorry

dumb little boy: :)

dumb little boy: i got all the frogg out safely though

dumb little boy: pj’s dog helped me. she’s surprisingly gentle w frogg

nedleedle: can confirm. I would trust that dog with my life. 

Scary Captain: we all would, ned. 

moonmoon: rt

SSEA

baby avenger: ya’ll ever watch keeping up with the kardashians

Tony Stank: if i wanted to see a trashy rich person id go look in a mirror

baby avenger: mr stark youre not trash :(

Tony Stank: