Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you down like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.”
--Ellen Bass

Leonard’s grandma used to tell him that sorrow was a part of life, that it held a place in life just the same as happiness or love.

The first time she tells him this is the day of his mother’s funeral. He is six, young enough to understand that what he’s lost is irreplaceable and young enough to remember who had just died. Six years old and trying to come to terms with grief he would not fully understand for years.

Like most funerals, his mother’s was a dreary occasion. Although he doesn’t really understand why at the time, Leonard feels the need to hold in his emotions, to hold back the tears. Oh, they’re there alright, threatening to spill. But he doesn’t want them to fall.

His dad cries. His grandma cries. There’s even people he doesn’t recognize, crying for his mother.

After the whole affair is finished, he and his father head back to his grandma’s house. His father locks himself upstairs, leaving Leonard alone with his grandma.

She makes him dinner, which he picks at. She watches him the whole time, but doesn’t say anything about the wasted food.

Finally, after she’s cleared the table and washed the dishes, she crouches down in front of Leonard, concern in her eyes.

“You know Leonard, it’s okay to cry,” she tells him. “Leonard, it’s okay. Sorrow is a part of life just as much as happiness. If you don’t let it out, it’ll just build up until you feel like breaking.”

Leonard, even at six, is quick to anger. He pulls himself back, out of her grasp and shakes his head fiercely. “You don’t know. You don’t!”

Her eyes only soften. “I know,” she repeats, taking him into her arms, gently. “She was your mother. It’s okay, I know.”

It’s the truth and it’s all she has to comfort him in this situation; the fact that she understands. And it was this–the truth–the bare bones of the matter, that finally made him cry.

A lifetime later, Leonard finds himself far from anything he’s ever considered home. He’s drunk and tired of losing things in life.

Leonard’s life had taken a nosedive and he’d done the only thing he could think of to do; run away. He’d taken a bus north, and then west, and kept going until he felt like he could breathe without gagging on the past. Leonard ran until he didn’t recognize the land around him, then he went a little farther.

Feeling like he has nowhere else to go when he finally gets off that bus in Iowa, he enlists in Starfleet.

Why the hell not? He thinks, drearily.

And this is how he finds himself dirty, unshaven, and drunk on a shuttle that would soon take him even farther away from anything familiar.

It’s fitting, he thinks, that he gets forced into a seat next to the only other person on this godforsaken shuttle who looks just as out of place as he does.

“All I’ve got left are my bones,” he tells the other man, because it was the truth and the truth was all he had left to give.

He introduces himself and wonders if he’ll be able to hold himself together long enough to get to San Francisco.

As a child, after his mother passed and he grew older, his memories of her became fuzzier and her voice became harder to recall. However, he never really forgot what she looked like, as his father kept images of her all around their house. Leonard’s favorite to look at was a picture taken on their honeymoon. His father had explained that they’d taken a road trip, just the two of them, out west to the various national parks. The picture in question showed the couple, smiling at each other, in front of a sign that said Three Rivers, just outside of where the giant sequoias grow in California.

Still, there were solid memories he kept of his mother, like how she promised to someday take him out to see the same trees she had. Leonard was lucky, in a way. In the time he’d had his mother, she’d been happy. It was clear to him even as a young child, how much his parents had loved each other.

“When I met your mother,” his father had told him once, not too long before his mother would first get sick, “I knew after only two dates that that was the girl I was gonna marry.”

“How did you know?” Leonard had asked with narrowed eyes, only five years old and already suspicious of his father’s stories.

“When she laughed,” His father had said.. “I heard her laugh and I thought ‘now that’s a laugh I want to hear everyday for the rest of my life.’”

When the shuttle finally takes off, it jerks from side to side and Leonard tries to keep his lunch down. The guy next to him–Kirk?--gives him a look.

He might actually throw up on him.

Leonard screws his eyes shut and begins listing the bones in the human body. He starts alphabetically.

“Calcaneus, capitatet, carpal, cervical,” he mutters under this breath.

“Hey, are you okay man?” Kirk asks.

“Clavicle, Coccyx, Cuboid,” Leonard continues, ignoring the other man. He probably looks insane, but he can’t bring himself to care.

“Are you–are you listing bones?” The other man asks, sounding half bewildered and half impressed.

Leonard takes a pause in his list and huffs. He keeps his eyes screwed shut.

“Remember when I said I might throw up on you? I meant it. So unless you want to turn that into a reality, I’d suggest you start talking to someone else.”

Kirk lets out a low whistle. “You really don’t like these things, huh?”

“What gave it away?” Leonard snaps and the other man finally shuts his mouth. Leonard takes a deep breath and continues his list. “Distal Phalanges, Ethmoid Bone, Femur, Fibula…”

Leonard makes his way through all the bones, forwards and backwards. When he’s finished, he’s fairly certain they’re not even half-way finished with their flight and Leonard suppresses a groan. His hand is white knuckling his seatbelt when Kirk speaks to him again.

“Can you do that again, but starting head to toe?” he asks.

Leonard opens his eyes to look at the other man again. Leonard expects the other man is humoring him–or maybe it’s pity at his obvious panic. But, Kirk’s face seems relaxed and genuinely curious.

“Of course I can, I’m a doctor,” he tells him.

Kirk makes a gesture with his hand as if to say, well?

Leonard huffs and begins to recite. After he’s finished with this list, Kirk begins to quiz him on the organs in the human body, then in Orians, then in Vulcans. Somehow, he manages to get Leonard to take his mind off the shuttle completely and before he knows, they’re landing.

They begin to unbuckle and get ready to leave. “Hey,” he says, tapping Kirk on the shoulder. “Uh, thanks,” Leonard grumbles out.

Kirk shrugs his shoulders. “If you’re going back to school, it’s always good to review.”

This startles a chuckle out of Leonard and he shakes his head. “Thanks, Kirk.”

Kirk cocks his head at Leonard, like he’s just now seeing the other man.

“Jim,” he says. “It’s Jim. See you around.”

Considering the whole of it thus far, Leonard’s had a pretty decent life until the past year and a half. A mostly happy life. Maybe that’s why it’s eventual destruction takes him by surprise.

Leonard’s mother dies when he’s six, but his life after that is stable and good. He’s loved by his father and grandmother. He does well in school and discovers that he has talent in the sciences. When he declares that he wants to be a doctor, his grandmother–a nurse herself–is over the moon.

He attends university, with an accelerated course load. He’s on the fast track to medical school when he meets Jocelyn.

Jocelyn, who’s pre-law. Jocelyn, who he falls for hard and fast. Their relationship feels like the whirlwind romance of a movie and they get married as Leonard enters medical school and Jocelyn enters law school.

A year after the wedding, Joanna is born and Leonard is both ecstatic and terrified. The first time he holds her, he’s amazed at just how much he can love something.

He finishes medical school, Jocelyn passes the Bar and life is generally good.

It’s quick spiral downwards begins when his father gets sick.

The first thing Leonard does when he gets his room at Starfleet is shave the awful scruff that’s been growing on his face the past week and a half. The second thing he does is sleep for almost twenty-four hours. When Leonard wakes up he begins to sort out his new life, trying to get everything in order before he starts his courses.

Leonard’s lucky—given his seniority and past education, he doesn’t have to take as many introductory classes. He also gets his own student quarters; calling it an apartment would be generous, but it’s got a small living space, a place to cook and a bathroom. It’s livable. And given that Leonard gets a single, he doesn’t see a point in complaining.

It’s the first time in years he’s lived by himself and the first week is strange. However, Leonard soon finds that his single doesn’t stay just his, at least not for long.

The first time it happens is three weeks after courses begin. It’s late and Leonard’s already in bed when he hears a knock at the door. Leonard groans and ignores the noise, hoping he misheard. However, there’s more knocking and the person seems insistent on waking him up.

Leonard lets out a string of colorful curses and forces himself to get up. He’s ready to give whoever’s on the other side a piece of his mind, but he pauses after he swings open the door.

“Jesus, what the hell happened?” Leonard asks, momentarily forgetting his anger and the fact that he should be asleep in bed and not staring at a beat up Jim Kirk at three in the morning.

For his part, Jim doesn’t seem phased by the question. Just shrugs. “I got in a fight.”

Leonard stares at him before sighing, because this is what his life has come to, apparently.

“You just gonna stand there and bleed in the hallway, or are you going to come in?” Leonard asks.

Something like relief goes through Jim’s body as soon as he hears those words. He pitches forward dangerously and Leonard has to reach out and grab him, holding him steady.

Leonard hadn’t given the other man much thought after their first interaction on the shuttle. Despite Jim’s ‘See you around,’ he honestly didn’t think he’d ever see the other man again. Starfleet is huge—and Jim hadn’t seemed like he was interested in the medical field.

However, they had both been mildly surprised to see each other again on their first day of classes. Turns out they had both enrolled in the same Alien Cultures class.

Since then, Jim had stuck to Leonard like glue. Sitting next to him each day, pestering him to go out drinking, sending him messages about their assignments and about how jealous he was that Leonard had received his own single, while Jim had to share with some guy named Gary Mitchell.

At first, Leonard had tolerated Jim. Normally, he’d find this type of behavior annoying or irritating. But, above all else, he felt confused. He couldn’t for the life of him figure out why Jim Kirk wanted to be friends with him of all people. Leonard was not friendly. He was cranky, sarcastic, pessimistic, and downright unhappy most of the time. For god’s sake, his first words to the other man were “I may throw up on you.”

Not exactly a winning first impression.

Nevertheless, Leonard had figured Jim would get tired of him soon enough and leave him alone. But it seemed like Jim Kirk had imprinted on him and, god help him, Leonard was quickly becoming fond of the other man.

As Leonard helps Jim inside (minding the blood coming out of Jim’s nose) he thinks maybe it does make sense. They both seem to be fuck ups, in one way or another. And misery loves company.

Regardless, Leonard feels anxiety humming just under his skin seeing Jim injured. He doesn’t like it—it just seems wrong.

Three weeks and you’ve already gone soft for some guy you hardly know..

Leonard ignores his inner dialogue and eases Jim down on his couch.

“You know,” he says, setting Jim on his couch, “there is a twenty four hour infirmary right on campus. It’s there for exactly this type of situation.”

That’s not exactly true, but neither of them say that, either. There is a twenty four hour clinic—Leonard works there in his free time—but Starfleet wouldn’t take too kindly to a new cadet getting into a bar fight before his first month of schooling is even finished.

Jim doesn’t call Leonard on this technicality. Instead, he spreads his right arm out, laying it casually across the back of the couch.

“But, Bones,” Jim says, tilting his head back on the couch and closing his eyes, “your couch is much comfier than any hospital bed.”

“Bones?” Leonard asks with the rise of an eyebrow and Jim laughs.

“Yeah, Bones,” Jim replies. His lips quirk into a half-smile but he keeps his eyes closed. “You needed a nickname.”

“I don’t see what’s so bad about Leonard,” he grumbles as he sets to work on Jim’s hand; his knuckles look bloody and there’s a bruise beginning to bloom under the skin. “You couldn’t have at least thought of a normal nickname?”

“It suits you,” is all Jim says in response, shrugging his shoulders, finally opening his eyes to look back at Leonard. His gaze is piercing, like he’s looking right through Leonard. Leonard shifts his gaze back down, choosing to instead focus his attention on Jim’s hand.

“Sure, Jim,” is the only thing Leonard can think to say back.

But Leonard agrees. The nickname fits; it’s brutally honest in ways he doesn’t like to think about.

The day his dad tells him he’s sick, Leonard’s world grinds to a stop.

His father breaks the news to him casually on a peaceful afternoon visit. They’re watching Joanna run and shriek happily as one of the neighborhood kids chases her.

“I’m dying,” he says, simply with no preamble nor self-pity. “I’m dying and there’s nothing they can do.”

There’s no preamble–nothing to cushion the blow those words take against Leonard. His father says them like they’re nothing. For a second, Leonard cannot breathe. His life is good, his daughter is laughing in the distance and the sun is shining. My father cannot be dying, he thinks irrationally, it’s too sunny outside.

“No,” Leonard replies at first. “Absolutely not.” He will not let disease take his father like it took his mother. He’s older, somewhat wiser, and he has his very own medical degree this time around. “Have you gotten a second opinion? What do you even have?”

“Leonard,” his father starts slowly, though he continues to look ahead, keeping his gaze fixed on Joanna and her friend. “Trust me. I’ve gotten a second, third, and fourth opinion. There’s nothing they can do. It’s pyrrhoneuritis. It’s terminal.”

“No,” Leonard says again, shaking his head, despite the pit forming in his stomach. He knows this disease. Fast acting and fatal. “We’ll find something,” he says urgently. “There’s been a lot of new research regarding pyrrhoneuritis . There could be a breakthrough any day now. You can’t just give up.”

“You are one stubborn boy. You get that from your Ma.” He turns to look at Leonard this time, directly in the eye. “You are just like her, you know. Right down to the eyebrows.”

Leonard doesn’t allow the deflection and ignores the way those words threaten to knock the wind out of him.

“I miss her too but you are staying here, goddammit. You are staying and you are going to be Joanna’s grandpa and you are going to live until you’re old and wrinkled and then and only then will you get my blessing to die. We will find something. We can fight this, somehow.”

“Leonard,” his father says, “you’ve got to learn that you can’t fix everything. Please.” He stops and licks his lips, looking away. “Please,” his father repeats. “I just want to enjoy my last days here with the people I love. That’s all.”

Leonard’s not able to get in a reply, as Joanna comes barreling forward into her grandfather’s arms. He picks her up and twirls the giggling toddler around.

“How’s my favorite granddaughter doing today?” He asks, smiling. But Leonard can see now there’s a slight wheeze in his father’s voice and it feels like the earth beneath him is starting to crumble.

The disease moves fast, too fast for Leonard, and too fast for him to process completely. It’s not long before his father is bedridden. From there the disease only progresses faster, leaving him weak and in pain.

Leonard can hardly stand to watch it. At least as a kid, he was shielded from the more horrific parts of his mother’s illness. But now as an adult, he can see the full picture. Some days he’s not sure if he’s grateful or bitter towards his medical degree. He knows, in excruciating detail, everything that’s happening to his father’s body.

Not long after he becomes bedridden, his father asks him to do the unthinkable. At first Leonard rages and yells and adamantly refuses. But his father continues to get worse and he asks again, quietly.

“I just want to go out on my own terms,” he says and something in Leonard breaks.

His hands shake the entire time. Doctor’s are supposed to have steady hands; shaky hands can kill a patient. Later, he figures it’s appropriate that he couldn’t keep them still.

The entire time his father thanks him. Tells him that it’s okay, that he’s helping his father fulfill his last wish. Leonard nods, because he can’t find the right words to say. He holds his father’s hand the entire time.

His father’s hands stop shaking long before his own.

He doesn’t tell anyone what he’s done, but his grandma figures it out for him. She holds him the night Leonard finally breaks down, unable to hold back the grief and anger festering within him. She holds him, like she did all those years ago after his mother’s funeral.

“He shouldn’t have asked you to do that.”

Leonard laughs bitterly. “But he did. And I agreed to it.”

She just holds him. “I know,” she says. “I know.”

His father’s death ends up being the catalyst that sparks the end of everything else. Leonard throws himself headfirst into work to escape his grief and guilt and spends less and less time at home. He and Jocelyn begin to fight more. There are problems, things that he’d ignored when they first married, that begin their ugly heads. Everything deterriots in a dizzyingly fast way, leaving Leonard unbalanced. When the divorce finally comes, he and Jocelyn get nasty and he loses Joanna, too.

The night the final court documents are settled is the night Leonard gets drunk and boards a bus going west.

The nickname Bones sticks, despite Leonard’s complaining and grumbling. The name sticks and Jim comes with it.

Leonard McCoy came to Starfleet a mess of a man–a man with only his bones. Jim Kirk, he quickly finds out, came to Starfleet with even less.

Neither of them talk about what led them to the fleet, but it still takes Leonard a frankly embarrassing amount of time to realize why Jim’s name is so familiar. It isn’t until the Kelvin Incident is brought up in passing in one of his classes that it clicks. Suddenly, a lot of things about Jim Kirk make sense. It’s no wonder the other man is such a mess. Sure, Leonard has his issues with his father’s death, but at least it wasn’t a historic moment in Federation history.

But maybe that’s part of the reason they seem to work together so well. They both have baggage about a mile long, but they respect each other enough not to bring it up. An unspoken agreement of sorts.

But more than anything, Jim is easy to be around–easy to befriend. There’s no pretense; Leonard doesn’t feel like he has to put up an act around him. Jim also seems to just understand Leonard in a way that most people don’t. Jim doesn’t seem to see Leonard’s past; he doesn’t think of Leonard as a man still regaining his bearings.

Jim calls him Bones, not Leonard. He’s not Leonard, the divorced doctor who helped his dad die. He’s not Leonard, the man who can only see his daughter on video calls. Around Jim, he’s just Bones. And it’s easier only being Bones. It’s easier to breathe and to live as just Bones than it ever was being Leonard.

Leonard finds relief in their friendship. Jim seems to, as well.

Jim comes to him with broken bones and bloody cuts, bearing himself to Leonard. He comes to him with open wounds and bruises, but he never asks Leonard to fix him. But Leonard fixes him anyway and Jim lets him.

Jim Kirk becomes more than a distraction from his life; Jim Kirk becomes a constant in his life. A point he can focus on when everything becomes too much. Jim Kirk becomes a starting and ending point that he can look to for stability.

Normally, Leonard would be wary of such an abrupt intrusion into his life. And well, he does complain about Jim, but there’s no heat behind it. He enjoys the constant chaos that comes with being Jim Kirk’s best friend.

And there’s another strange thing to consider. He hasn’t had a best friend in a while. He had good colleagues at his old job–back in Georgia. But for a few years, Jocelyn was his best friend.

And then his father died, he got divorced, he pushed everyone away, and his life basically fell apart.

Leonard considers these facts of his life as he chews on the pancakes Jim made them both one Saturday morning. Jim had convinced Leonard to go drinking with him the night before and subsequently Leonard had woken with a roaring headache.

Jim, of course, woke up chipper as ever.

Jim notices Leonard staring at him across the table as he thinks.

“Something on your mind, Bones?” he asks, mouth still half-full of food.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Leonard immediately responds. “It’s disgusting.”

Jim makes a point of swallowing his food and then raises an eyebrow at the doctor as if to say ‘Go on.’

“Just thinking,” Leonard says in lieu of actually answering.

Jim rolls his eyes. “Talking with you is like pulling teeth sometimes. What’s up?”

He shrugs. “I haven’t had a best friend in a long time,” he says simply, avoiding looking at Jim.

Leonard’s a little surprised at himself for being so honest–but the words leave his mouth before he can think too much about it.

Jim blinks at him, clearly not expecting his answer either. Then he smiles—a huge thing that takes over his face and lights up his eyes. “I’m your best friend?” he asks, gleefully.

Leonard rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. I shoulda never said anything. Your head’s big enough already.”

But Jim doesn’t drop it. “Bones! That’s no way to speak to your best friend in the whole world.”

“My god, you’re insufferable,” he says, but Leonard’s holding back a smile.

Jim laughs. “Don’t worry, Bones,” he says. “You’re my best friend too.”

Leonard shakes his head and instructs Jim to finish eating, but something in his chest loosens at Jim’s statement.

When Leonard had initially signed up for Starfleet, he hadn’t told anyone about his enrollment, besides his grandmother. He thinks of his sudden departure from his previous life as an act of cowardness and it isn’t something he’s exactly proud of.

He does, upon his arrival to San Francisco, let Jocelyn know that he’s no longer in Georgia–that he’s enlisted and that’ll need to work out a schedule so he can video with Joanna. He keeps it vague, but his connection to Joanna is still through his ex-wife and he can’t risk losing that last line of communication. However infrequent it may be.

Jocelyn, of course, doesn’t buy into his vague bullshit message. She immediately asks if he’s serious or fucking with her. He tells her he’s serious and that he’ll be in San Francisco for the next few years.

He doesn’t hear from her for a long while and Leonard thinks she might actually be done with him for good. Then, she calls him out of nowhere after one of his classes.

Seeing her name flash on his PADD is a bit disorienting to say the least, but he answers her video message. The call begins with no greeting.

“So, the rumors are true. You really ran away to Starfleet?” is the first thing she says to him.

“Wasn’t much else to run to, thanks to you,” he says back and then winces. He’s really not in the mood to argue.

Jocelyn sighs and brings a hand up to her eyes. “I didn’t–listen, Len. Leonard,” she corrects, and something squeezes tightly in his chest. “I didn’t mean it like that. I shouldn’t have…” she stops. “I called because we should figure out how this will work with Joanna.”

Leonard nods and they begin to discuss how the next few years will work. Jocelyn tells him that if he wants to come back to Georgia in the summer, they can work out a few weeks for him to have her. She reminds him of the trip she and Joanna will be taking this upcoming summer, however, dashing any hopes of Leonard seeing Joanna soon. Nevertheless, they work out a weekly schedule for Leonard and Joanna to call. All in all, the discussion is civil, if a bit awkward.

Towards the end of the call Jocelyn glances at her wrist–she still wears old terranean wrist watches. “Hey,” she says. “If you can spare another ten minutes Joanna will be getting home from school. You can talk to her for a bit, if you want. Explain this whole Starfleet,” she waves her hand in the air, “situation to her.”

“Of course,” he said, nodding. “Let me just take care of something.”

Leonard pauses the video call and shoots Jim a quick message.

On a video call. Will be a little late to dinner.

Jim replies before Leonard even closes the chat.

With who????? Who could be more important than your bff?

He rolls his eyes and closes the messages. He and Jocelyn continue talking until Joanna finally comes home.

“Joanna,” Jocelyn calls. “Come here, I have a surprise for you.” She shoots Leonard a smile.

“Coming,” comes her small voice. Leonard can see her enter the room and his heart clenches; he hates being away from her.

“What’s the surprise-” she stops and her eyes widen. “Daddy!” she yells and rushes towards the computer.

Leonard laughs softly. “Hi sweetheart. How have you been?”

They launch into conversation. Leonard has called Joanna a few times since coming out west, but he hasn’t found the time to do a video call. It’s wonderful to actually see his daughter, to see her smile and wild hand movements as she tells him everything that’s going on in her classes. Jocelyn eventually leaves them to themselves, waving discreetly before exiting.

She tells him tales of her elementary school classes and nearly bounces out of her seat when she begins to speak about her science classes.

“And then my teacher began to tell us about all the bones in our body and I told her I already knew them all because my daddy’s a doctor. And then he asked me if I was gonna be a doctor too and told him of course I am.”

Leonard feels his chest tighten at the declaration, but silently knows that this might be another phase. Two weeks ago she had wanted to be a veterinarian and two weeks before that she had said she wanted to be a marine biologist. Nevertheless, her announcement makes Leonard smile and he chuckles.

Their conversation begins to wind down after a while and Joanna looks off to the side and stops talking.

“What’s that matter, Jo?” He asks.

It takes her a second to respond. “I miss you,” she finally says.

“I know, sweetheart. I miss you too,” he tells her.

“When are you coming back home? Soon?” She asks, looking at him again.

Something in Leonard’s heart cracks at that. There is nothing worse than disappointing his child, he thinks.

“It won’t be for a while, Jo,” he tells her. “Remember, I’m in school again, just like you. I have to stay out here for a while.”

“Oh,” she says quietly, looking down again.

Behind him, Leonard can hear his door open. He casts a quick glance and sees that it’s Jim, probably wondering what’s taking him so long. Damn nosey bastard,, he thinks. He should’ve never given Jim his room code.

He shoots Jim a glare and points aggressively to his couch, which sits safely behind his computer screen.

Jim raises his eyebrows and opens his mouth to comment and Leonard shakes his head and points again. Jim takes the hint and Leonard turns his full attention back to his daughter, ignoring his friend.

“Listen, Jo,” he starts. Joanna moves her head to the side, still not looking at him. “C’mon sweetie, look at your old man.”

Joanna brings her eyes back up to the screen and giggles a little. “You’re not that old, Daddy.”

He can see Jim snap his head up out of the corner of his eye. Leonard realizes, rather belantenly, that he’s never told him about Joanna. Oops.

“Well, I’m not getting any younger,” he tells her, and she smiles. “I’ll still see you for holidays and in the summers. And who knows, maybe you can come out here and visit me sometime.”

This gets her attention. “Really?” she asks, bouncing forward in her seat.

Leonard laughs. “Yes, really. It might not be soon, but I promise I will see you in person again. And, we can video call more if you want.”

Joanna nods her head. “Every week,” she tells him, seriously.

“Every week,” Leonard replies, nodding. He holds up his left hand and places the other over his heart. “I promise.”

Joanna giggles just as Jocelyn pops her head back in just then. “Alright Joanna, it’s time to let you Pa get back to school.”

Joanna pouts slightly, but nods nonetheless. “Alright Daddy, bye. I love you!”

“Love you too,” Leonard responds. He waves gently at the screen and then the video cuts out. The room is silent for a moment as Leonard continues to look at the now black screen.

“So, that’s who was more important than dinner,” Jim says, breaking the silence and making Leonard jump slightly. He’d forgotten he was even there.

“Yeah.”

It’s quiet again. Leonard doesn’t quite know what to say–he feels weirdly guilty. He feels ashamed that he didn’t mention Joanna to Jim. How could he not tell his friend about such an important part of his life?

“So,” Jim starts slowly and Leonard braces himself. “How old is she?”

He blinks. “Uh,” he starts. “She’s about six, now.”

Leonard forces himself to meet Jim’s eyes and he’s surprised at what he sees. There’s no judgment, no accusations. Just curiosity, and perhaps something else he can’t quite place.

And from there it’s easy. Leonard begins to talk about his daughter and doesn’t bother keeping the pride out of his voice when he tells Jim how well she’s doing in school, or how she’s taken an interest in science specifically.

Jim asks questions when it’s appropriate and listens when it’s not. After the conversation winds down, Jim looks at Leonard.

“You miss her, huh?”

Leonard laughs bitterly. “Of course I miss her. I miss her more than anything. I wasn’t exaggerating that day on the shuttle–my ex-wife took everything–took the whole planet in the divorce.”

“She seems like a great kid,” Jim offers and Leonard nods.

“She’s already smart as a whip, with the stubbornness of her mother,” he says with a laugh.

Jim laughs along and gives Leonard a look.

“What?”

Jim shrugs, but there’s a light dancing in his eyes.

“I’m serious. Do I have something on my face or something?” Leonard asks, raising an eyebrow.

“No, it’s just–you were different when you were talking with her, that's all.”

“Well, I’m her father,” he grunts out.

“No, it’s more than that, it’s like…” Jim trails off, but he looks at his friend, like he’s sizing Leonard up, or perhaps peering right into his head. It almost makes Leonard feel uneasy.

“You’re softer around her,” Jim finally says.

Leonard scoffs. “You’re soft.”

Jim laughs. “I knew you’d get all weird if I said anything. It’s not a bad thing. You seem lighter. And you smile more. It’s nice to see,” he says, matter of factly.

Leonard feels his face heat up and he looks away, returning his attention back to the black screen in front of him. “Yeah, well. She’s my kid, you know? She has that effect on me.”

“I’d love to meet her someday,” Jim says.

“I’m sure you two would get into all sorts of trouble,” Leonard jokes.

“Hmm, yeah, probably,” Jim says before standing up. “Dinner?”

Leonard nods and gets up to follow him.

Leonard often considers how he and Jim must look to others. They’re certainly an odd pair, from the outside. They don’t seem like they would fit together, given their differences.

The thing is, Leonard can be just as impulsive and reckless as Jim. His life the past few years had been tipped on its side and utterly destroyed. He’s been desperately trying to get back on his feet ever since. Jim helps with that; against all odds, Jim Kirk is a fairly consistent person.

He comes over to Leonard’s dorm every free evening like clockwork. He forces Leonard into having a healthier eating schedule and makes him socialize. They establish a routine together.

And it works–it works well. That is, until about half-way through their first year at Starfleet, when Jim breaks routine and begins avoiding Leonard.

There’s no warning before it happens, or at least there’s nothing Leonard can pinpoint. They’d met up for breakfast one Monday morning, but by the end of the day, Jim had said he wouldn’t be meeting Leonard for dinner. After that, it was like trying to catch a ghost. Jim began dodging Leonard’s messages, giving him flimsy excuses as to why he’s canceling their plans or just straight up not answering.

The few times Leonard’s been able to ask him what’s going on, Jim had claimed that he was fine. It’s bullshit, and they both know it.

It’s Thursday by the time Leonard manages to finally track down his friend and corner him. Leonard knows he probably shouldn’t be chasing someone who wants space, but he’s worried. He surprises Jim by catching outside his dorm, early in the morning.

“Bones!” Jim says, jumping a bit when he finds Leonard waiting outside his dorm room door. “What’re you doing here? Isn’t it a bit early for you?”

Leonard crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow. “You know damn well why I’m here, Jim.”

Jim fakes innocence and laughs, looking away from Leonard for a possible exit. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a class to get too–”

“Not so fast,” Leonard says, stepping into Jim’s path. “Your class doesn’t start for another hour.” Jim looks properly off guard and Leonard rolls his eyes. “Don’t act so surprised. You have my entire schedule memorized too.”

There’s a touch of red at the tops of Jim’s ears when Leonard points this out, but the other man doesn’t say anything. Leonard sighs.

“Jim, I just want to know what’s wrong.”

Jim’s jaw tightens and his shoulders draw up, slightly. “Nothing’s wrong with me.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” Leonard says. “You’re a terrible liar, Jim.”

This gets Jim to look at him again, his eyes flashing dangerously. “Listen, just drop it, okay Bones?”

“Now see, I can’t do that. Something is obviously bothering you–”

“And I told you, nothing’s wrong. Why can’t you just back off?”

“Because I’m worried about you, dammit!” Leonard says, his voice raising.

“Well, I never asked you to worry about me. Maybe you should worry about yourself or one of your actual patients and leave me the hell alone.”

For a moment, Leonard’s too stunned to speak; Jim’s never spoken to him like this before. The hurt on his face must show because for a moment Jim’s eyes widen as well–as if he didn’t expect the outburst from himself, either.

However, neither one makes a move to speak. After a beat of silence, Jim shoulders his way past Leonard and heads out to class, leaving him alone in the hallway.

They avoid each other for the next two days. Jim had all but yelled that he wanted space, and that’s what he’s getting. However, Leonard promises himself he’ll reach out by the end of the weekend if Jim doesn’t pull his head out of his ass. He doesn’t want to lose his only friend here over a dumb argument where he pushed too hard.

It turns out, he doesn’t need to wait until Monday for things to sort themselves out because Jim Kirk turns up at his door late on Saturday night, bloodied and smelling of alcohol. Leonard doesn’t say anything, just moves his body aside, inviting Jim into the room. He watches his friend stumble in and collapse on his couch, similar to how he had the first time, months ago.

Leonard lets Jim lay down while he wanders to his bedroom to grab his tricorder. When he returns and crouches in front of his friend, Jim finally speaks.

“I lied,” he says. “I’m not fine. I lied. ‘M sorry, Bones.”

“For what?” Bones asks casually, checking Jim’s eyes with a light before beginning to scan him. “You sorry for coming here in the middle of the night beat to shit, or are you sorry for lying?”

“For lying. Both. Shit,” he breathes out running a hand over his face. “I’m sorry for all of it, Bones.”

“Apology accepted,” Leonard huffs out, which earns him a startled look from Jim. Leonard raises an eyebrow at him, before going to look at his tricorder.

Slightly concussed. Multiple bruises, but nothing else too serious.

“What, did you think I would just drop you over one little fight?” Leonard asks.

A long silence follows Leonard’s question, which makes him look up again. Jim looks embarrassed. He skirts his eyes away, ignoring Leonard’s gaze and brings a hand up to rub the back of his neck sheepishly.

Oh christ.

“Jim,” Leonard says slowly and carefully. “Look at me. You’re my friend. I’m here for you, whatever you need. If you need to yell at me, that’s fine. You need space? That’s fine. I’m not going anywhere. It takes more than a little yelling to drive me away.”

I’m not going to run away–not from you. I won’t ever leave you high and dry, he almost says–but the words wither away and die in his throat before they get the chance to reach his mouth.

“You understand me?” Leonard asks instead and sighs in relief when Jim finally nods. Satisfied, he sets to work cleaning the blood off of Jim’s knuckles.

There’s a silence that hangs between them for a good five minutes, before Jim begins to speak.

“Right after I turned thirteen, my mom sent me off planet for the first time,” he says, his voice sounding hoarse. Leonard doesn’t say anything, just looks up and watches Jim, letting him speak without interruption.

“I had almost driven my step-dad’s car off of a cliff,” he chuckles at the memory. “Frank was pissed and my mom wasn’t too happy, either. So, they both thought that I needed some time away from home.”

Jim pauses here and looks past Leonard’s shoulder, studying the distant wall before continuing.

“At first it was great. I made friends, I really bonded with the couple I lived with. I felt like I had a stable family for the first time...It was really good. And then, things started to go bad in the colony.” Jim looks back, directly at Leonard. “How much do you know about the Tarsus IV genocide?”

Leonard feels his insides turn to ice. He swallows. “I know the basics. The colony ran out of food and the Governor at the time decided it was best to kill half the colonists in order to save the others.”

Leonard was old enough to remember the news coverage of it when it happened. News of starvation, genocide, and so, so, much death.

Jim nods and then looks far away again. “That’s basically it, yeah. Once the crops started to fail, people began to really panic. Kodos–the Governor–thought he knew best who should survive and who shouldn’t. It was all bullshit, though. Whoever didn’t fit his ideal image deserved to die. It was…” Jim lets out a long, shuttering, breath. “It was really fucking bad, Bones.”

He doesn’t say anything else, but Leonard can see Jim’s hands begin to shake. He reaches out without thinking and takes them in his.

“Normally, I’m okay. I mean, I wasn’t, for a long time afterwards, but I got better–I’m okay now. But sometimes, the stupidest things will set me off and suddenly I’m thirteen again and helpless. It’s exhausting.”

“Is that what happened?” Leonard asks, quietly. “Did something trigger this?”

Jim laughs with no mirth. “You could say that. Had a class lesson on the whole topic this past week. It really, uh, got to me,” he says with a sardonic smile. “It’s nobody’s fault–my identity is technically protected as a survivor, so the professor couldn’t have known…” he trails off.

Leonard feels a sudden protective urge wash over him. He wants to go out and hunt down everyone who’s ever hurt Jim Kirk. His friend, who’s normally so animated and larger than life, looks far, far too small on his old couch.

“Tell me what you need, Jim,” Leonard says.

“Can I just–can I just stay the night?” he asks.

“Of course,” Leonard says. “Of course.”

They both pass out on Leonard’s couch, leaning into each other. Leonard wakes with a cramp in his neck, but Jim already seems a bit lighter by the next morning, so it’s more than worth it.

Leonard has a shift at the clinic the next morning, but he lets Jim use his shower and tells him to stay as long as he wants. Jim’s still in the bathroom when Leonard has to leave, but he makes coffee and leaves Jim a note before he leaves.

Made you some coffee–you probably need it.

Next time, skip the yelling and bar fights and just let me help.

Glad you’re okay.

-Bones

A few weeks after Jim tells Leonard about Tarsus, he comes over to Leonard’s apartment to find Leonard laying face down on his couch.

Jim shucks off his shoes and makes his way over. “Bad day?” he asks, and Leonard can hear the barely concealed amusement in Jim’s voice.

Leonard groans into his pillow. Jim lets out a low whistle. “That bad, huh?”

“Even worse,” Leonard grumbles, picking his head up.

Jim makes his way over to the couch and shoves Leonard’s legs down, making room for himself. “What’s up?”

Leonard rights himself and picks up his PADD with a scowl. “I have to take a damn piloting class,” he says, showing Jim the message he’d received from Starfleet.

Jim takes the PADD and reads through the text, eyebrows furrowed. After he’s done, he sets the PADD down on his legs and turns to Leonard. “Bones, this isn’t that bad. You only have to take a half credit class on it.”

Leonard’s scowl deepens. “Do I need to remind you how we met? I don’t exactly get along with shuttles.”

Leonard suppresses a shutter at the memory. He can barely stand to be in the things, let alone pilot one.

“Bones, if you want to be considered for a Starship position, it’s a prerequisite. You’ll probably never have to actually pilot anything in space.”

Leonard frowns. “I still have to pass the class–and I can hardly handle those things drunk, let alone sober.” Jim frowns and Leonard sighs. “Don’t look at me like that, Jim. I’ll be fine–I’m probably just going to have to retake the stupid class. I can’t see myself passing it in one go, that's all.”

Jim’s quiet for a moment, thinking, before a sly grin breaks across his face. “You know…” he starts.

“No, no,” Leonard quickly says, hands raised. “I know that look. Nothing good comes from that look.”

“Bones! I’m both shocked and offended at your lack of faith in me,” Jim says in mock outrage, hand to his chest.

Despite himself, Leonard snorts. “You should be used to it by now.”

“As I was trying to say,” Jim says, ignoring his friend. “I could, you know, help you out.”

Leonard blinks. “What?”

Jim shrugs. “I mean–I’m a pretty good pilot myself. I already tested out of the required class. And, I’m sure I could sweet talk someone into letting us use a shuttle after hours.”

“Huh.”

“I mean–if you don’t want to–that’s fine, I guess. I just thought–”

“No, no. Jim that’s…you’d really do that?” Leonard asks. Leonard knows it’s not like Jim’s offering up some huge favor, but it still feels that way. Leonard knows he’s not the easiest to deal with, especially when it comes to things that make him anxious. He turns mean and snappy. Not only that, but Jim’s schedule is crazy–he’s taking extra classes as it is. Fitting in time to help Leonard get over his ridiculous fear? It’s not something most people would offer to do.

“Of course, Bones,” Jim says. “I mean, it’s you.”

Leonard sits, stunned for a moment before Jim continues. “Besides,” he says. “If I’m gonna have you as my CMO one day, you’ll need to pass this class.” He shoots him a big grin that Leonard can’t help but return.

Their first lesson together ends up being a disaster. It goes better than Leonard expected.

He spends a whole ten minutes refusing to touch the controls of the learning shuttle while Jim tries to walk him through the basics.

“C’mon, Bones. We’re not even flying it yet,” Jim says. “We’re literally still in the simulation stage.”

“I know,” Leonard grits out, but it doesn’t do much to help the panic summersaults his heart is doing. His hands are sweaty and he wipes them off on his pants.

Jim sighs. “Why don’t we take a break–” He barely gets a chance to finish his sentence before Leonard launches himself out of the craft.

He stumbles to the ground and sits on the cool concrete below him. It’s later–about nine thirty at night. It was the only time they could come here and have the shuttle garage be completely empty. Jim, true to his word, was somehow able to sweet talk his way into getting late night access.

Leonard groans and drops his head into his hands. He feels Jim settle down onto the ground next to him.

“Why are you so scared of shuttles anyway?” Jim asks, voice free of judgment.

Leonard keeps his head in his hands. “I don’t know.”

“Really?” Jim says, surprised.

Leonard practices his slow breathing, in and out. “Just never liked them, I guess. It used to be manageable, but somewhere along the line it turned into…” he lifts his head and waves one of his hands. “This.”

Jim nods sympathetically. “The day we met–did listing those things help?”

“Yeah. It–it helped keep my mind off of where I was,” Leonard says, leaning back against the shuttle.

Jim makes a thoughtful noise. They sit for another minute or two before Jim claps his hands together. “Alright, ready for another go?”

“No,” Leonard says moreosly.

“That’s the spirit, Bones!” Jim says, clapping him on the shoulder. “Let’s get back at it.”

They go back into the shuttle and Jim goes over the controls twice more before they try a simulation. And then another. Leonard crashes the damn thing each time, but Jim’s patient with him.

“Try not to think of it as flying a shuttle,” Jim tells him and Leonard scoffs.

“That’s exactly what I’m doing, though,” he points out.

“Yeah, but you’re overthinking it,” Jim says. “Try thinking about it like it’s–I dunno–surgery.”

“Surgery?”

Jim brings his hands up. “You’re a doctor, Bones. A good one, so I know that you know how to focus in high stress situations. You have that skill–you just have to figure out how to use it here.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Leonard mutters.

Jim shrugs. “It can’t hurt. It’s not like you can get worse,” he jokes.

Leonard scowls at him, but he tries to distance his mind during the next simulation. He still crashes, but he manages to stay in the air longer.

“There you go!” Jim says excitedly.

They spend countless more nights out there, whenever they’re able. It’s a painfully slow process, but Leonard eventually gets better. He crashes less in the simulations and his panic begins to ease up. It never goes away–and he suspects it never will completely, no matter how much practice or exposure he has. But, it grows to be manageable, which is more than he ever could’ve hoped for.

Leonard begins to hope that he actually has a chance at passing his class when Jim suggests it.

“Do you want to try a real flight?” he asks Leonard after another successful simulation.

Leonard feels his heart rate pick up at the mere thought. “Absolutely not,” he says quickly.

“Oh, don’t be like that, Bones!” Jim says. “Why–”

“I don’t think I’m ready,” Leonard says, leaning back in his seat, suddenly not wanting to touch the controls again.

“Bones,” Jim says earnestly. “This is a learning shuttle for a reason. I have my own controls over here, remember? I can take over at any time. It will be fine, I promise.”

Leonard eyes his controls and then Jim’s. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely,” Jim says. “You’ll have to do it at least once eventually, anyway. You’re ready.”

Jim’s faith in him is a bit astounding, Leonard thinks dizzily, but he nods in agreement. “Okay.”

They go over everything one more time before they begin the flight.

Against all odds, it goes well. Leonard thinks he might be on the verge of a heart attack the whole time, but he manages to keep it together. Jim doesn’t seem worried the entire time, which Leonard thinks is a bit ridiculous; he wouldn’t be so calm if the roles were reversed. But then again, he’s not Jim Kirk.

The whole flight lasts about ten minutes, before Leonard eases the machine back down with only one awkward bump. As soon as they’re still again Jim lets out a whoop in excitement.

“I knew you could do it, Bones!” He says excitedly. “See, you just needed a bit of practice and–oh wow, you look a little pale.”

Leonard nods and barrels out of the shuttle and promptly throws up.

“You alright?” Jim asks, coming out of the shuttle himself.

Leonard nods again. “Baby steps,” he says and Jim laughs.

Their first year marches on and the weather begins to shift, threatening the coming of cooler days. Leonard begins to plan out his next year and plans to enroll in the piloting class, with only mild panic.

He and Jim keep busy as the weeks progress. There’s a week, as the season begins to turn, where it rains almost every day. The dreary weather seems to infect the campus itself. Leonard doesn’t escape it’s effects–and his mood is even worsened by the dream he has, early in the week.

With all his classes and clinic hours, Leonard doesn’t typically dream. Usually, he’s out the second his head hits his pillow and falls into semi-restful, blank, sleep.

However, tonight he dreams for the first time in a long time. When he wakes up, he feels shaken and his face is damp.

He’d dreamed of a memory--of a hazy distant recollection from his youth. He’d dreamed about his mother. There wasn't much plot to the dream--just that she’d still been alive and making him a sandwich while he sat at the kitchen table. The house had been sunny.

Leonard’s shaken the next few days–though he stubbornly doesn’t want to admit it. It’s not like he forgets about his mother–it’s just that her face had been so vivid in the dream. There were wrinkles around her eyes that he had forgotten about–and her voice. He’s not even sure that the voice he heard in the dream was what she actually sounded like, but it felt bittersweet to hear nonetheless.

It’s still hard to talk about her. The grief he feels for his mother is less raw than the grief he feels for his father. Less up close. But it’s still there, nonetheless. It’s always there—it’s just more manageable.

Jim seems to notice something’s up, but for all his poking and prodding, Leonard stays clamped up. Besides, Leonard knows Jim’s birthday is coming up, and he doesn’t want his sourness to ruin the day for him.

However, when Jim’s birthday does roll around, Jim Kirk is nowhere to be found. Leonard tries messaging Jim, with no luck. He tries the mess hall, the local bar, and the library. He even goes to bother Jim’s roommate, Gary Mitchell.

Mitchell opens the door and blinks at Leonard twice before simply saying, “He’s not here.”

Leonard huffs. Dammit. “Well, do you know where I can find him?” he asks.

Mitchell rolls his eyes and shrugs. “I dunno. He hasn’t been here since the morning. I’m not his keeper.”

Leonard feels his eye twitch. No wonder Jim doesn’t like this guy. He lets Mitchell go and ponders where his friend might be hiding.

Leonard eventually starts to make his way back to his own dorm, hands in his pocket mulling over where Jim could be. Then a lightbulb finally goes off in head and he swiftly changes directions and heads to the other end of campus. He has a hunch.

His hunch is proven to be right when Leonard enters the academy’s gym and sees Jim in the corner, running on an old fashioned treadmill.

He’s wearing a t-shirt and the god-awful red issued Starfleet sweats. Leonard makes his way into the gym, ignoring the glances in his direction–he’s still wearing his coat and cadet uniform.

Leonard approaches Jim, who quickly glances over, never pausing his pace.

“Hey,” Leonard says.

“Hey.”

Leonard waits for him to say more, but the younger man just keeps running. He does slow his pace down, just a touch. It’s something, Leonard thinks.

“You wanna talk about why you’re spending your birthday alone in a gym?” Leonard asks.

Jim lets out a breathy laugh. “Not–” he takes a breath. “Not particularly.”

“Hm,” Leonard says, but doesn’t move. Jim shakes his head.

“You don’t–” he pauses to breathe again–the damn fool is still running--“have to be here.”

Leonard reaches over and jams a button on the treadmill to slow it down.

“Hey–” Jim strangles out, almost tripping at the sudden loss of speed.

“It’s not polite to run like that while someone’s tryin’ to talk to you.”

This makes Jim laugh a little. The sound calms the anxiety buzzing in Leonard's chest–if only slightly.

“May I remind you that you came here and ambushed me,” Jim says, finally turning the running machine off for good.

Leonard crosses his arms. “Well, may I remind you that it’s your birthday. And you’re my friend. So excuse me if I wanted to do something nice for you today.”

Jim doesn’t say anything. He cocks his head to the side, considering the doctor. His expression is a bit annoyed but also–a bit confused. Like he doesn’t know what to do with Leonard.

Leonard shifts his weight and moves his attention away from Jim’s prying eyes. He notices that Jim’s hair is wet against his forehead with sweat, along with his shirt–he must’ve been in the gym for a while.

Finally, the silence breaks.

“I’m serious, Bones. Birthdays have always been…” he trails off, trying to find the right words. “I’ve never really enjoyed mine due to…” he gestures with his hand as if to say you know.

The revelation hits Leonard like a train.

Oh good lord, Leonard thinks. I’m an idiot.

He’d been so focused on Jim’s birthday being his birthday, that he conveniently forgot it’s also the anniversary of his father’s death.

No wonder Jim’s in a mood.

It’s then that Leonard makes up his mind. He grabs Jim’s arm and begins to drag him out of the gym. The other man raises his eyebrows at him, but Leonard ignores it, forcing him towards the door.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Jim says. “Where are we going? Can I at least change first?”

Leonard looks at him and his sweaty shirt and grimaces. “That’d probably be for the best. And I’m taking you to get a drink–I think we could both use one.”

Jim cracks a half smile. “Yeah,” he says. “I think we could.”

Later that evening, they both stumble back into Leonard’s apartment. Jim flops down—face first—on the bed and Leonard grumbles.

“C’mon,” he says, getting down on the bed. “Move over.”

“Bones,” Jim mumbles, not moving. “Why is your bed so much more comfier than mine?”

Leonard shoves Jim over and the other man yelps. “It’s a lot more comfortable without someone crowding me,” he says.

Jim moves over and begins to bury himself under the covers. He turns and looks at Leonard, with eyes much too attentive for how drunk he is.

“You’re a bad liar.”

Leonard throws his shoes off and they land with a thud on the floor—he’s pretty sure Jim still has his on— but Leonard’s too drunk to care at the moment.

“What the hell are you going on about?”

“You love me,” Jim says and Leonard freezes. “Or else you wouldn’t let me sleep in your bed.”

Or else you wouldn’t have come to check on me earlier.

Jim yawns, but Leonard is still frozen in place, rolling Jim’s words over in his head. Jim, for his part, doesn’t seem to notice anything amiss.

“Bones,” he says, drawing out the ‘o’ in his name. “Lay down.” And then Jim throws an arm around Leonard, roughly pulling him down towards the mattress, drawing him closer.

Jim yanks Leonard closer and fits his head against the other man’s neck.

“Go to sleep,” he orders, closing his eyes.

Leonard snorts and shakes his head, finally loosening up. “You too,” he says.

Leonard feels an odd twist of guilt in his gut as he closes his eyes. Though Jim seems fairly content, Leonard feels a bit bad at how his birthday has turned out. Next year, he vows, they’ll do something meaningful for Jim’s birthday. For now, all he can do is stare at the ceiling, acutely aware of Jim’s presence against his body; everywhere they touch feels almost too warm.

Leonard waits until Jim’s breaths have evened out before he speaks again, quietly.

“Happy birthday, Jim.”

They both wake up with the hangover of the century. Jim complains that even the light coming from their clock radio is too bright and insists that they go back to sleep until at least noon. Given that it’s the weekend and Leonard doesn’t have anything else going on today, he agrees.

Neither of them mention the night before. Jim stays in Leonard’s bed, well past noon. Neither of them mention this either.

Their first year ticks towards an end and spring eventually breaks through the cold, lingering days of winter. Flowers begin to bloom and the sun begins to shine with warmth again. Summer brings with it a breath of fresh air, but also new hurdles for Leonard to jump through.

Jocelyn plans a long summer vacation for her and Joanna. Leonard can’t bring himself to feel real anger towards Jocelyn over it, but he also can’t bring himself back to Georgia without her there. So, he signs up for summer courses and plans to stay in San Francisco for the next few months.

Jim, of course, is ecstatic. He signed up for summer courses as well–but Jim will be spending most of the summer months in space. Leonard is going to be staying firmly on the ground, thank you very much.

Nonetheless, Leonard still gets four weeks off before summer courses begin. Jim gets two.

As such, Jim takes it upon himself to burst into Leonard’s dorm early one morning and proclaim, very loudly, that they’re going on vacation together.

“Why the hell are you so loud so early?” Leonard groans into his pillow.

Jim, who’s still standing in the doorway of Leonard’s room, makes his way over to Leonard’s bed, hands on his hips. “C’mon Bones! It’s only 8am.”

Leonard blinks blearily up at the other man. “You just proved my point,” he grumbles and Jim laughs.

“Get up. I made you coffee.”

“Where are we even going?” Leonard responds, but he begins to untangle himself from the sheets.

“A road trip,” Jim says, winking at him, moving aside to let him get up. “It’s a surprise.”

“Surprises with you never end well,” he grumbles.

“And yet, you always come along anyway,” Jim says, smiling.

He doesn’t dignify Jim with an answer.

An hour later, they both find themselves in a car, driving south. Jim had already packed most of their things while Leonard got ready. Jim still won’t tell Leonard where they’re going, though, so Leonard decides to rest his eyes for a little bit.

When he opens them again, the clock in the car tells him it’s three hours later.

Rubbing his eyes, Leonard sits up straighter. “Christ, I haven’t taken a nap that long in years,” he says.

Jim shoots him a sideways glance, his mouth quirking upwards. “You looked like you needed it,” he half teases.

Leonard’s retort is swallowed by a yawn and he turns to look out the window. Jim’s probably right; after he remembered that he wouldn’t see Joanna this summer, Leonard had thrown himself into the clinic. He’d taken all the extra hours he could get to take his mind off of the upcoming weeks he’s going to be spending alone.

“You gonna tell me where we’re headed yet?” Leonard asks, eyeing the landscape.

“Nope,” Jim says, popping the ‘p.’ “Where’s the fun in that?”

Leonard shakes his head half-heartedly and turns to look out the window at the passing landscape. “Well, as long as you’re okay driving this whole way,” he mutters.

The drive is nice and they fall into comfortable conversation. The land blurs past the car window quickly and begins to take on more and more trees. Eventually they pass through a small community named Three Rivers and the name rings a bell in Leonard’s head.

“Three Rivers…” Leonard murmurs to himself, squinting at the passing town sign.

“What’s that, Bones?” Jim asks and that’s when it hits him.

Leonard turns to Jim and raises an eyebrow. “Are you taking me to the Sequoias?” he asks.

For a moment Jim looks surprised and then he rolls his eyes goodnaturedly. “Way to ruin the surprise. How’d you figure it out?”

Leonard feels mild triumph at having solved the mystery. He settles down into his seat, crosses his arms before answering.

“My parents visited the Sequoias for their honeymoon. They stopped in Three Rivers and took a photo by the sign. It was my favorite photo of my Ma, growing up. They wanted to take me out here but…” He trails off. His stomach clenches the thought of both his parents. He’s now older than both of them when they first married, visited this place, decades ago. He shrugs away those thoughts. “Life got in the way, I guess.”

Jim looks at Leonard from the corner of his eye again. He seems thoughtful for a moment.

“You’ve never really mentioned your mom before,” he says casually.

“She died when I was young,” Leonard says. “Not much else to tell.”

That’s a lie. It’s a lie and both of them know it. Out of all the people he knows, Jim would probably understand Leonard’s grief better than most.

But Jim drops it. He simply nods his head, continues driving and doesn’t push.

The rest of the car ride goes smoothly and Leonard discovers that Jim has a love for music from the 2oth and 21th century. But, before they know it, they’re approaching their destination.

By the time they arrive, it’s early evening. The sun is still up, but shadows are growing steadily on the ground around them. The light around them seems to glow in a golden haze.

Jim all but jumps out of the car and stretches with his whole body and takes a deep breath of relief.

“Smell that, Bones? That’s fresh air,” he says, grinning.

Leonard chuckles and inhales himself. Jim’s not wrong; the air in San Francisco isn’t bad, but there’s something else here–something sweeter and fresher.

Leonard looks around at where Jim has brought them both. It’s a small campsite, not much else to it but a firepit and a picnic table. But they’re right in the national park and large trees loom around them. There’s a nice bright patch of sky above them, though, where the trees part ever so slightly.

“You picked a nice spot,” Leonard comments, stretching his arms himself.

“You think?” Jim asks. “I’ll admit, it was a bit of a gamble to take you on a surprise camping trip. You don’t necessarily seem like the outdoors-y type.”

Leonard chuckles at that–it’s a fair assumption. He doesn’t like being too cold or too hot. And he complains enough as it is about Starfleet’s beds.

Leonard ends up shrugging. “It’s nice, every once in a while. I grew up in the country—It’s not like it’s unfamiliar territory.”

Jim’s smile grows at that. “Well that’s good to hear, because half way here I realized I forgot our tent.”

Leonard blinks at him and then sighs. “Of all the things to forget,” he mutters, looking up.

This doesn’t deter Jim in the slightest. He opens the car’s trunk and starts to get things out.

“Here,” he says, roughly throwing a sleeping bag at Leonard, who almost drops it. “We’ll just have to sleep close to keep up body heat,” he says and Leonard shakes his head.

“It’s not like we’ll freeze in this weather,” but he nonetheless lays his sleeping bag neatly next to Jim’s.

They assemble camp and by the time things are settled it’s starting to get dark. They eat dinner and plan to go hiking in the morning.

By the time their fire has died down and they’re laying side by side, Leonard realizes he feels more relaxed than he has in years.

Jim is chattering away about his upcoming field courses. He’s excited to go back into space. Leonard can’t really understand it, but he’s happy for Jim. He’s not really looking forward to the upcoming weeks himself. He’s gotten too comfortable having Jim around–he’s been his safety net of sorts.

Leonard’s thoughts are broken by Jim, who roughly shakes his shoulder and points up to the darkening night sky.

“Look, Bones!” He says. “The stars are finally coming out.”

Leonard doesn’t get a chance to respond, as Jim launches into a lecture, pointing out the constellations and their history in various cultures. Leonard ignores his anxious thoughts and just listens to Jim speak.

Leonard had once asked his dad about their childhood home–asking him why he insisted on keeping the place that constantly reminded him of Leonard’s late mother. His father had told him home wasn’t a place, but a person.

As Leonard and Jim lay out looking at the night sky, so far away from everything he’s ever called home, Leonard thinks he might finally understand what his father meant.

On the last day of their trip Leonard’s not quite ready to let Jim leave. Once their car is packed up, Jim takes the wheel again and guides them back towards San Francisco.

“So,” Jim asks, drumming his hands on the steering wheel. “What are your plans for this last week? You better not plan on moping around all alone in your room.”

Leonard rolls his eyes. “Gee, thanks for having such a high opinion of me.”

Jim laughs. “You know what I meant.”

Leonard shrugs. “I’m not planning on much of anything,” he says. “Just work and classes.”

“Boo,” Jim says and Leonard reaches over and smacks his arm. “I just mean–I just want to make sure you don’t overwork yourself.”

“Pot, kettle,” Leonard replies, pointing between them.

“Okay, fair enough,” Jim replies, laughing again. “We’ll just have to do video calls and keep each other in line.”

Leonard chuckles. “Sounds good.”

They fall into comfortable silence then, enjoying the passing scenery. Jim eventually puts on some music and tries to goad Leonard into singing, to no avail. It’s nice, except Leonard keeps thinking about a question that won’t leave him alone.

Eventually, he reaches to turn the music down.

“Hey,” he asks slowly, trying to pick his words carefully. “Why’d you do all this?”

Jim’s eyebrows furrow just so slightly. He casts a quick glance towards his friend. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Leonard struggles to find the right words. “Why’d you—plan all this?” He says, gesturing to the car. “You didn’t have to. Why not just go home for these two weeks? See your mom and brother?”

Jim hmm’s for a moment, tapping his fingers across the steering wheel. “Why not?” He finally says.

Leonard huffs–it’s not really an answer, but Jim just chuckles. “I’m serious, Bones. Why not? You’re my best friend and we both deserve a break.” He shrugs easily, shooting a smile towards Leonard. “Besides,” he continues, overly casual. “There wasn’t… there’s not much for me to visit in Iowa. Mom’s still in space and Sam…” he trails off, looking distant. He shrugs again. “Sam doesn’t even know I’m in Starfleet. We haven’t talked… well, in a long while,” he says, with a bitter smile.

Jim’s always surprising him—he hadn’t expected such blatant honesty in his response. Leonard’s quiet a moment.

“Well, thank you,” Leonard finally settles on saying. “Maybe next time we can go out to Georgia or something. I don’t know,” he says quickly.

“Next time?” Jim says, with a glint in his eye. “Are you telling me you want to start a Jim - Bones camping trip tradition?”

“I didn’t say camping necessarily. I’d be willing to go somewhere again as long as you don’t forget our fucking tent next time.”

Jim throws his head back and laughs and Leonard smiles.

Jim leaves for space, Leonard stays solidly on earth and Leonard very quickly finds himself missing his best friend. The academy is considerably more empty in the summer—most recruits go home—and Leonard feels loneliness creeping back to him, like a lost dog, found.

He hates it. Jim sends him messages almost daily—and they find the time to video call. He tries to do a call with either Joanna at least once a week as well, but their calls often serve to remind him of what’s not there.

So, Leonard throws himself into clinic work. Picking up shifts and working whenever he has a moment. His hours haven’t been this high since his residency. And, the extra work helps; he doesn’t have to think about how he misses his friend or his daughter. He doesn’t have to think about his empty dorm room. It’s fine–he’s fine, maybe a bit tired, but fine. And if he begins to pick up more extra shifts than he’s technically allowed, nobody seems to notice.

At least, not until one evening, when Leonard enters the clinic. He’s lost count how many nights he’s worked in a row. He’s just about to make his way back towards his locker and grab his things for his shift when a loud “Nope!” is called behind his back, causing him to jump slightly.

Leonard frowns and turns around to see a blonde woman–one of the senior nurses–staring at him with her hands on her hips.

“Excuse me?” He says, raising an eyebrow.

The nurse—and he’s briefly blanking on her name—crosses her arms and glares at him. “Nope. Go home,” she says.

Leonard narrows his eyes. “Listen, I picked up Anderson’s shift so, no, I’m not going home,” he grumbles, trying to move past the woman. “Excuse me, I have patients to attend to.”

She stubbornly steps in his way and Leonard shoots her the dirtiest look in his arsinel.

It has no effect.

“You listen. I’ve seen you,” she stabs a finger at him—“here every night for the last two weeks. You’re way past regulation hours and need to go home..”

Leonard scowles. “Like I said. I picked up Anderson’s shift. So, unless you want to be short staffed, I need to get to work.”

The Nurse—Chapel! That's her name—raises an eyebrow. “And just who approved this extra shift?.”

Leonard clenches his jaw. He knows she’s right–this extra shift wasn’t approved and he’d been hoping that no one would say anything. They certainly hadn’t before.

“Exactly,” she continues. “Now, unless you want a reprimand from Boyde, I suggest you go home and get some rest before you completely collapse. The clinic will still be here tomorrow.”

Leonard grits his teeth. “I really don’t think this is any of your—”

“And I really don’t think you want me to sedate you and shove you into a spare biobed. It’s your choice,” Chapel says.

Leonard blinks at her again and he’s suddenly too tired to argue anymore. He sighs and grabs his jacket.

“The clinic will survive without for a few hours,” Chapel calls to him as he leaves.

Leonard scowls, but leaves and makes his way back to his dorm.

By the time he’s back in his room, he’s cooled off a bit, but Leonard still feels indignant at getting kicked out. He stubbornly refuses to admit that maybe–just maybe–the nurse was right. Sure he’s a little tired, but it’s nothing he can’t handle.

Leonard makes his way over to his couch and pulls out his PADD, determined to do some reading if he’s not going to be working.

He promptly falls asleep.

The following day when he awakes on his couch and a crick in his neck, Leonard begrudgingly admits to himself that perhaps he’d needed the day off.

Without Jim around it’s hard to be by himself and it’s even harder to convince himself to take a day off. He doesn’t like being alone with his thoughts in his empty apartment. Usually, it’s Jim who takes it upon himself to rope Leonard into some asinine plan of some sorts whenever he thinks Leonard is working too hard. And, of course, Leonard often returns the favor when he sees Jim working himself into a rut.

Leonard closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. ‘Get ahold of yourself, Leonard,’ he thinks. ‘You’re a grown ass man. You can’t rely on Jim or whoever to take care of you.’

It’s frustrating that he let someone into his life so quickly, again. It’s terrifying the effect Jim Kirk has had on him–how quickly he’s become accustomed to Jim in his life. It’s terrifying to think about what would happen if he lost this.

Leonard shakes his head and gets off the couch and makes his way to the shower before his thoughts can spiral anymore.

During his next shift, Leonard finds himself paired up with Nurse Chapel who, for whatever reason, doesn’t seem to hold their last encounter against him.

She does, however, ask him if he slept well on his day off.

Leonard glances down at her and grunts noncommittally.

Chapel’s lips quirk up. “So, you’ve resorted to caveman talk?”

Leonard scowls at her and she laughs at him, unphased. “Listen,” she tells him, stopping in the clinic’s hallway. “You’re whole–scary doctor act–” she waves her hand in a circular motion towards him, “–might work on patients, but it won’t fly with me.”

Leonard raises an eyebrow at her. “Is that so?” he asks.

Chapel rolls her eyes. “I think we got off on the wrong foot. I meant nothing personal the other day, but you looked dead on your feet and we certainly don’t need any of our staff collapsing on patients.”

Leonard opens his mouth to retort, but she cuts him off again. “Trust me, it’s happened. Now, I feel like we should reintroduce ourselves. And, since we’re scheduled on the same rotations for the rest of this summer, I think we should start over.”

The nurse holds out her hand. “I’m Christine Chapel,” she says.

Leonard regards the hand in front of him for a moment, a little stunned. He slowly raises his hand to meet her in a firm handshake.

“Leonard McCoy,” he says.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Doctor McCoy.”

Leonard snorts. “Likewise.”

The next weeks are amicable between the two of them. Leonard’s still lonely, but he finds nice company with Chapel while they work.

He also discovers quickly how similar their approach to medicine is when he overhears her yelling a patient back into bed.

“Are you going to continue to argue with me and further prove to me that you’re missing a few brain cells, or are you going to let me treat that head wound?” He hears Chapel snap as he’s making his rounds one day.

“Nurse, it’s not that bad please–”

“Sit down, Cadet,” Chapel orders and Leonard rounds the corner just in time to see a poor cadet gulp and collapse back onto the biobed.

“Yes, ma’am,” he says, looking away.

Leonard watches as Chapel fixes up the cut on the cadet’s head–it looks like it came from a nasty right hook. A few minutes and a skin regenerator later, Chapel sits back and smiles.

“Now, that wasn’t too hard, was it?” She asks.

“No, ma’am,” the cadet says and he all but flees once he’s cleared to go.

Chapel turns to see Leonard watching her. “Doctor McCoy,” she says, nodding her head.

Leonard lets out a low whistle. “That was some bedside manner,” he says to her.

Chapel raises her eyebrows at him. “I’ve seen your bedside manner, Doctor McCoy. You’re certainly one to talk.”

Leonard laughs at that and just like that, they begin to talk more and Leonard finds himself once again with a new friend. He finds that Chapel–Christine–has a lot in common with himself. She’s newly divorced and enrolled in Starfleet to try something new. She, like Leonard, has been practicing medicine for a few years now. It makes sense–given her confidence and how easily she handles difficult patients and doctors.

It helps to have someone here, with everyone else so far away. Leonard enjoys Christine’s sense of humor and no nonsense attitude. It’s also clear that she cares about her patients and work just as much as he does. It’s been a while since Leonard had a friend in the medical field.

The summer drags on and Leonard settles into his new summer routine. He begins to chat with the other medical staff more. He and Jim talk regularly and he gets several excited video messages from Joanna each week.

Leonard still misses everyone, but towards the end of the summer, as the anniversary nears, he’s grateful that no one’s around to see him fall apart.

When the day of his father’s death rolls around, Leonard spends the day in bed. He spends the next two there as well. He was smart and had asked for the days off from work in advance. He also shoots messages to his professors, saying he’s too sick for class.

It’s been two years and he doesn’t find the grief any easier to bear. As much as Leonard tries to be productive the days around the anniversary, he can’t seem to get himself out of bed. He even cancels a call from Jim, claiming a work conflict.

He stays in bed three days in total, feeling numb. On the fourth day, when he finally no longer feels like he’s going to drown from the heaviness in his chest, he goes out for a drink.

On the fifth day, he takes a shower, a hypo for his dull headache, and heads back to class and work.

When he gets to the clinic that first day back, Christine takes one look at him and frowns.

“You look like shit.”

“Good morning to you too,” he mutters, putting his jacket away.

Christine eyes him, but doesn’t say anything more. They complete their rounds, treat some walk-ins, but unfortunately for Leonard, it’s a fairly slow day. This doesn’t stop him from snapping at most of the patients he sees. It’s not uncommon for him–he’s known for being blunt, but today he knows he’s nastier than usual.

Eventually, after he really tears into a cadet for being too careless in her engineering class–which resulted in her injury–Christine pulls him aside. She leads him back to their locker room before laying into him.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She hisses.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Leonard replies, folding his arms.

“You take four days off of work, return looking like death warmed over and with a huge stick up your ass,” she says, crossing her arms back at him.

“What, I’m not allowed to take time off?” he snaps.

“You are, but you don’t take time off,” she says. “And, my god Leonard, you almost made that poor girl cry. So, let me ask you again: what the hell?”

Suddenly, the fight leaves his body. Leonard huffs and looks away. He hates that he’s being so obvious.

“I...I had a bad couple of days, alright? It was the anniversary–” and the rest of the sentence dies in his throat. He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose–taking a deep, steading breath. “I’m sorry I’ve been an ass,” he says, eyes still closed. “I don’t–” he sighs. “This time of year is hard for me.”

It’s quiet for a moment and Leonard opens his eyes to look at the nurse. She considers him for a moment, before nodding.

“Let’s grab a drink,” she says. “Our shift is done anyway.”

Chapel grabs his jacket out of his locker and tosses it at him. Leonard stares at her a moment, holding his jacket and Christine rolls her eyes.

“That wasn’t a suggestion.”

Leonard blinks and then puts on his jacket.

“So,” Christine says a few drinks later.

They’ve made their way over to the bar nearest to the clinic. They’re both seated at the bar, down towards the end, with Christine to his left.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Leonard knocks back the rest of his drink and waves the bartender for another. “Fuck no,” he says.

Christine shrugs and takes a sip of her drink. “You know,” she says. “They say doctors make the worst patients.”

Leonard raises his eyebrow at her and grabs his new drink from the bartender.

Christine shrugs. “I’m just saying. If you want to talk about it, I’d listen.”

Leonard considers her for a moment and turns to face the bar, keeping the nurse in his peripheral vision. “Thanks,” he says.

“What happened to that blonde cadet that used to come into the clinic all the time?” She asks, changing the subject.

“Who–Jim?” Leonard asks.

“That’s his name?” She asks. Leonard nods. “Yeah, what happened to him? He go home and leave you for the summer?”

Leonard bristles at the implication that Jim left him. “Nah. He’s off planet, taking courses in space.”

“Oooh,” Christine says, like something just came to her.

Leonard turns to her again. “What do you mean, ‘oh?’”

She looks at him closely. “You miss him.”.

You’re lonely, is what she also means. Both of them know it, though neither say it.

Leonard tightens his grip on his glass and forces out a chuckle. “I miss a lot of people, Christine,” he says wearily. “Jim Kirk’s a constant pain in my ass, having him away is like a vacation.”

He’s lying. Both of them know it.

Christine snorts into her glass and then blinks. “Wait. Jim Kirk?”

“The one and only.”

Christine laughs and Leonard shoots her a look. “What the hell is so funny?”

“Oh it’s just—out of all the people, I can’t really imagine you and Kirk as friends. Everything I’ve heard about him…” she trails off. “Well, he certainly has a reputation.”

Leonard snorts. “Yeah, he does.”

They both take a drink.

“Maybe you could talk with him,” Christine says. When Leonard doesn’t respond, Christine continues. “I just mean–you should talk about whatever this is with someone.”

She’s right. She’s right and he knows it but Leonard doesn’t want to talk about it. About any of it. He came to Starfleet to run away from the mess of his life.

And that’s just the thing, Leonard thinks stumbling back into his room later that night after he and Christine parted. He doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to even think about it. And he definitely doesn’t want to shove all of his shit onto someone else–especially not Jim. He has enough on his plate as it is. He doesn’t need Leonard dragging his bullshit from the past up–doesn’t need to burden Jim anymore than he already is.

Leonard shakes his head and crashes into his bed. Next year, he vows, he won’t let himself get buried by grief–won’t be a burden. Next summer, he’ll be better.

Summer recedes and fall comes along with cooler temperatures. Jim and Leonard chat a week before Jim’s set to return and Jim asks Leonard if he wants to room together.

“You want to room with me?” Leonard asks, caught off guard.

“I mean–yeah,” Jim says, shrugging. “I spent basically all of last year at your place anyway. I dunno–it would make sense.”

Leonard blinks–classes start in two weeks and Jim’s asking about this now? He’d thought about asking Jim, but never worked up the courage. He’d figure that if Jim wanted to live together, he would’ve asked. And when he didn’t, Leonard had assumed that was that. Apparently, he’d been wrong.

“I totally get if you’d rather–if you want your own space though. I just thought maybe–”

“Jim,” Leonard cuts him off. “I want to live with you. It’d save me the trouble of hauling your ass across campus when you’re wasted.”

Jim grins through the screen-his smile is almost infectious.

“Great!” he says eagerly. “I didn’t want to spend another semester living with Gary Mitchell anyway, he’s such an asshole.”

“Well, maybe if you didn’t make it your life’s work to antagonize him–”

“He started it Bones–”

“Do you even hear yourself? You sound like a child, Jim–”

“Anyway—” he cuts Leonard off. “Antagonizing you is actually my life’s work.”

“Good lord,” Leonard mutters. “I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?”

Jim chuckles.

“Hey,” Leonard asks. “Isn’t it too late to switch room assignments anyway?”

Jim waves him off. “I have connections—don’t worry about it.”

“Ah, yes,” he replies. “I forgot you’re Admiral Pike’s favorite.”

“Bones. I am not–”

Jim finally returns from space and they, officially, move in together. The school year kicks off much smoother than Leonard’s first. He quickly finds that actually living with Jim Kirk is quite easy. Not that Leonard was worried, exactly, but the last person he’d lived with had been his ex-wife. So, it’s been a while.

But they fit together well–it’s honestly not much different than the year before, except now they have rooms right next to each other.

They’re both somehow busier this year, though. Two weeks into the semester, Leonard realizes that he still hasn’t properly introduced Christine and Jim. He’s brought up Christine to Jim and the other man was instantly interested.

(“Christine Chapel, right?” Jim had asked. “Isn’t she the mean nurse?”)

None of their schedules have quite aligned yet this year, though. However, Christine makes an effort to try and introduce Leonard to more of the Clinic’s staff–convinced that Leonard doesn’t have enough friends.

“You can’t keep just hanging out with either Jim or I,” she tells him one day, trying to convince him to come out for coffee with some other doctors and nurses.

“Why not?” Leonard asks and Christine huffs and throws up her arms.

Her needling does convince him to be more friendly with the other staff, however. Leonard particularly enjoys one of the seniors who works in the clinic–a doctor who specializes in Vulcans–named M’Benga. Why a human doctor would want to study and work with Vulcans specifically is beyond Leonard, but he finds that M’Benga has interesting research and differing points of view that Leonard finds refreshing.

Regardless, Leonard would like Christine and Jim to meet–but there just doesn’t seem to be time between their busy schedules. Not that it would matter much right now anyway; Leonard’s beginning to feel a bit run down. Luckily, all cadets get a formal fall break fairly early in the semester. For Leonard, it couldn’t come any sooner.

Jim shoots out some ideas on fun things they could do over break.

“We could head up north and spend the week at a beach,” he says from across their shared living room.

Leonard waves his hand and lays down on their couch. “Whatever you want. Doesn’t matter what we do–I’m spending the first three days asleep,” he says, throwing an arm over his eyes.

“You’ll be crawling the walls after the first day in bed,” Jim says, scrolling through his PADD–presumably looking over vacation spots.

“Hmf.”

Jim pauses his scrolling and looks up. “You do look kinda tired–are you alright?”

Leonard lifts his arm and looks at Jim with one eye open. “Who’s the doctor here?” he asks and Jim rolls his eyes. Leonard puts his arm back down–he feels a headache coming on. “I just had a long day, s’all,” he says. “Had a patient come in today and for the life of us, we couldn’t figure out what was wrong with ‘em.”

The poor son-of-a-bitch had swollen lymph nodes and a dangerously high fever–though none of them could figure out what the exact cause was. His symptoms were common enough, but when they had run tests, everything had come up negative. The patient–a senior, just back from a learning expedition–was currently being kept overnight for observation while those on the night shift ran some more tests. It’s frustrating, given how far their medical knowledge has come, that there are still cases that take time to solve. Tricorders and medical scanners are fantastic tools, but it’s days like today that remind Leonard that they aren’t foolproof.

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out, Bones,” Jim says.

“Your faith in me is astounding,” Leonard mutters.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Jim asks again, making his way over to him.

Leonard waves him away with a huff. “Yeah, yeah–I’m fine. And if I am sick, I don’t want you near me catching it too.”

Jim huffs back, his eyebrows slightly furrowed. “So it’s true what they say,” he says.

“And what’s that?” Leonard asks, moving his head to look at Jim.

“Doctor’s really do make the worst patients.”

Leonard scowls at Jim, who in turn laughs. The thing is, there’s some real worry building in the back of Leonard’s head; he really is beginning to feel sick. He hopes that it’s nothing more than a good night's sleep won’t fix.

The next day, however, he wakes up with a pounding headache and a fever.

Leonard emails his professors and easily rolls back into bed. He resolutely does not tell Jim he’s sick–not wanting to have to admit that he was wrong. He also doesn’t want to worry the other man. Jim’s Thursday’s are busy–he’s out of the door before Leonard and usually doesn’t come back until late into the evening.

Still–Leonard’s not an idiot. He vows to head over to the clinic later if he doesn’t feel any better by the evening. In the meantime, he goes back to sleep.

His rest seems to help nothing, however. Leonard wakes up hours later feeling much, much worse. He takes his temperature and is shocked to find that it reads 39.5C. His head is pounding and he notices the lymph nodes behind his ears are swollen and they hurt. Leonard stumbles out of bed and almost passes out trying to stand up.

He slowly dresses himself and makes his way out towards the clinic. He knows there’s something seriously wrong when he suddenly finds himself in the clinic’s entrance with no memory of walking there.

By now, his headache is a full blown migraine and he can barely think–the lights are so bright in the waiting room.

“Doctor McCoy,” the receptionist–Katherine–says, “You aren’t scheduled–oh dear!”

The last thing Leonard remembers before passing out is the surprised look on Katherine’s face.

Leonard wakes up with the driest mouth he’s ever experienced. His first thought upon waking up is that he must’ve drank too much the night before–then he belatedly processes the uncomfortable bed and the soft sounds of monitors.

Slowly, he peels his eyes open; it almost takes more energy than he can currently muster. Once they’re finally open, he lazily looks around the room. He’s obviously in the hospital–but he can’t quite remember why. Fuzzy memories of a fever and headache come back to him.

Leonard’s eyes make their way over to the left of his biobed and he’s mildly surprised to see Jim, curled up in a chair, sound asleep. At the sight of his friend, he releases the tension he hadn’t noticed building in his shoulders.

Jim’s neck is bent at an awkward angle and resting on his hand. It’ll hurt when he finally wakes up. Usually Jim looks relaxed when he’s asleep, but right now he looks tense. He’s curled into himself, an obvious attempt to make himself comfortable in the tiny hospital chair. Leonard wants to wake the other man up–to warn him of his impending neck cramp and ask about why he’s here–but his eyes are already sliding shut again.

The second time he wakes up, Jim’s still there.

“Well, well, well,” he hears from beside his bed. “Look who decided to join the land of the living again.”

Leonard blinks awake and sits up, bringing a hand up to his head. “What happened?”

“Someone decided to catch a nasty case of Rigelian Fever,” another familiar voice says. Leonard looks up in time to see Christine coming into the room. She smiles at him and begins to check his vitals.

“Rigelian fever?” Leonard asks. “How the hell did I get that here?”

“You remember that patient you had on your last shift?” Christine asks without looking up from her PADD.

Then it dawns on him. “Oh–don’t tell me. That cadet’s excursion was in the Rigel System?”

Christine looks up and smiles at him. “The one and only. We figured out it was Rigelian fever not too long before you dropped by and gave us a visit. Imagine my surprise–I was just about to call you and tell you to quarantine when poor Katherine came running back here to tell us that Dr. McCoy had just collapsed in the lobby.”

Leonard shakes his head. “How long was I out for?”

“About four days,” Christine says.

Four days?

“Your prognosis looks good,” Christine continues. “We had to expedite a shipment of ryetalyn crystals, but you, the cadet, and the other nurse who contracted the illness are expected to make a full recovery.”

Leonard laid back and rubbed his face. Four days. No wonder he felt so exhausted. He turned and pointed a finger at Jim.

“Don’t say it,” he growls.

Jim raises his eyebrows. Leonard can tell he’s holding back a smirk. “Say what? I told you so? That doctors really do make the worst patients? That you were wrong about being sick?”

Christine looks between the two of them and laughs. “Okay, I get you two now,” she tells Leonard. “I’m going to go make my rounds. It’s currently 11am, but we’re going to keep you here for another day, just as a precaution.”

Leonard opens his mouth to speak, but Christine cuts him off. “I’m sure Jim can keep you company. And you,” she turns to Jim. “Don’t let him look at his own chart and make sure he doesn’t overexert himself.”

Jim salutes the nurse. “Yes, ma’am,” he says, and winks. Leonard groans.

Jim stays with him throughout the day. He brought an old fashioned deck of cards for them to use and they play card games while Jim catches Leonard up on the things he missed. He even brought Leonard a paperback book to read. Eventually though, the evening rolls around and Leonard almost has to physically remove Jim from his hospital room.

“I’m fine staying here,” Jim says, crossing his arms.

“What, you’re gonna spend the whole night sleeping in that shitty chair?” Leonard asks.

“I already have.”

Leonard shakes his head. “It’s one more night, Jim. I’ll be fine. You look like you haven’t seen a bed in days.”

And he means that. Jim does look fatigued; there are bags under his eyes and his normally youthful face seems more tight and tense.

Leonard can see Jim’s jaw work–he’s not happy about being kicked out. Leonard sighs.

“I promise–you can hover over me all you want tomorrow when they discharge me. But you can’t convince me that you’d rather sleep in that chair than in your own bed.”

“Bones–”

“Jim,” Leonard says firmly. And then, more gently. “I’ll be fine. It won’t do me any good to see you overtired. Go get some sleep and then you can come right back tomorrow.”

Jim looks him over with a critical eye and before he finally slumps down ever so slightly. “Fine. But I’ll be back here bright and early tomorrow.”

Leonard shakes his head, but smiles. “I don’t doubt it. Now go get some sleep.”

Jim gets up to leave–but hesitates near Leonard’s bed. For a moment Leonard thinks he’s going to have to tell him to leave again, but Jim reaches for his hand and squeezes it–just once–before letting go.

“Goodnight, Bones.” And then he leaves.

A few moments later, Christine comes back in. Leonard’s hand is still warm.

“Goodness, I thought he would never leave,” Christine says, coming and taking the empty seat. “I’m impressed–I could barely convince him to leave to shower.”

Leonard raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

Christine crosses her legs and props her head against her hand. “Oh yeah,” she says. “We contacted him once you were admitted–given that he’s your roommate and that he might’ve been exposed. Don’t worry,” she says at his look. “All his tests came back negative. Anyway, to say he was distraught over you is an understatement.”

Distraught?

“I thought he was going to punch Dr. Boyce when he told Jim he couldn’t come in your room the first night,” Christine continues with a chuckle. “We had to quarantine you, the first twenty-four hours. Even then, he didn’t want to leave the hospital.”

“Stubborn fool, is what he is,” Leonard says, crossing his arms. But something in his chest begins to bloom warmth at the thought of Jim doing all that for him.

Christine looks at him for a moment, considering. “He was worried. Christ, I was worried, Leonard. Don’t scare me or him like that ever again.”

“I promise to do my best to never catch Rigelian fever again,” he says sarcastically, though he shifts uncomfortably in his bed. It’s been a while since he had people who cared for him like this. Leonard doesn’t know what to do with their concern.

Luckily for him, Christine seems to understand. She stands up and stretches her arm before making her way over to his bed. She leans down and gives him a soft kiss on his forehead.

“Get some rest,” she says. “I’ll stop by in the morning and help you get discharged with Jim tomorrow morning.”

Leonard greets the next morning with a sore back and a desperate wish to shower. Just as she promised, Christine comes to his room early, before Jim gets a chance to make his way from campus.

They both make idle chit-chat–with Leonard grumbling once when Christine refuses to give him a cup of coffee.

“You and I both know you need to replenish your fluids right now. Coffee won’t do anything good for you,” she tuts.

She’s right, but it was worth a try. Christine lays a pile of clothes on the edge of the bed.

“Jim brought these over the night you were admitted. Since we weren’t sure when you would wake up, he wanted to be prepared and make sure you had clean clothes to change into,” she says, seeing his look.

Huh.

“You know,” she says, then stops. She goes to refold Leonard’s shirt and glances at him from the corner of her eye before continuing. “You and Jim are very sweet together.”

It takes him a moment to process her statement and when he does, he feels his face flush. “You don’t have to make it sound like that,” he huffs, looking away. His face is still hot.

Christine straightens up and rounds the bed to look him in the eye. “Leonard,” she says, hands on her hips, “It’s very obvious.”

He looks back at her. “What’s obvious?”

She blinks. “You’re in love. Both of you.”

“What?”

Christine huffs. “Leonard, honestly.”

“We are not–” he starts, stammering. His fucking face is hot, again. “Jim’s not–it’s not like that,” he finishes lamely. Christine raises her eyebrows.

He doesn’t know who he’s convincing–his friend or himself. Leonard’s never given it too much thought. There was the night Jim said Leonard loved him. Though, Leonard had panicked then–shoving any dangerous thoughts deep, deep down, away from any daylight.

Before he can give another response, Jim enters the room, smiling brightly.

“Bones! You’re up!” he says, making his way over to the bed, bag in hand.

“What’ya got there?” Leonard asks, and Jim shrugs sheepishly.

“I brought an extra pair of clothes. I know you have some here already, but I thought–I dunno–maybe you’d want some options. Also–!” he continues, sitting at the foot of the bed. “I made some soup, or attempted to, so you have that when you get back hom–I mean back to our dorm. Also, don’t be mad, but Joanna messaged you and I swear I wasn’t snooping, but I didn’t want her to worry, so I told her some vague details about you being sick and that you couldn’t get back to her right now. She sends her love. Oh, I, uh, picked up some tea? Cuz I know that’s nice when people are sick, but I wasn’t sure what kind to get so I may have gone a little overboard, but you’ll have options and–”

“Jim,” Leonard says, leaning forward and laying a hand on his arm to get him to stop. “Thank you.”

“Uh,” Jim looks startled for a moment and then he smiles. “Of course, Bones.” Jim stands up, and gives Leonard the bag of clothes. “Here, you can get dressed and I’ll go grab the discharge papers for you. I’ll be right back.”

It’s then as he watches Jim bolt out of the room, that he realizes with startling clarity, that he’s in love with his best friend.

Leonard buries his head into his hands. “Oh my god,” he says, muffled slightly by his own hands. “I’m in love with Jim Kirk.”

Christine laughs and gives his shoulder a soft pat. “We all have our faults,” she teases. “Now get up and get dressed, he’ll be back soon.”

Leonard’s revelation doesn’t change anything in the grand scheme. Upon further self-reflection, Leonard comes to realize he’s been in love with Jim for about a year or more now. He’s just been too stubborn to notice.

So, he continues like he had before. It doesn’t have to change anything between. More importantly, it can’t change things between them. Leonard is finally, for the first time in many years, feeling like he won’t shatter if he lets his guard down. And whether he likes it or not, Jim’s role in his life has played a huge role in that. He doesn’t want to jeopardize their friendship.

He also doesn’t want to deal with the terrifying truth, either.

That Jim Kirk doesn’t love Leonard McCoy. At least, not in the way that he desperately wants him to. And, it’s fine. It really is fine, because no matter how many exasperated sighs Christine sends his way, no matter how many nights Leonard spends awake thinking about the maybes, no matter how many times Leonard drops everything to help Jim out, it won’t change his mind.

He’s been in an all encompassing love. Hell, he’d married a woman who he thought he couldn’t live without. And when that fell apart, he nearly didn’t come out the other end.

Leonard doesn’t think he could live through another heartbreak like that. And maybe that makes him a bit of a coward, but hell if his life wasn’t defined by his cowardly moments. His dad’s death. His divorce. Running away to Starfleet.

What’s one more to add to that list?

Anyway, there are worse things in life than being in love with your best friend. This, at least, is something Leonard can handle. Something he can compartmentalize, a secret he can fold away into the depths of himself with some effort.

It’s fine.

The seasons begin to shift once more. Although the weather begins to get colder, it’s never unbearable in San Francisco. Still, the truly warm days are running short as colder weather approaches, just beyond the horizon.

This is also the same time of year as Jim’s birthday. This year, Leonard decides, Jim’s going to get a good one. Even if Leonard has to drag him along, kicking and screaming.

Jim’s birthday falls on a Saturday this year. Given his aversion to the day itself, Leonard plans to do something for him the day before. They both have classes on Friday, though, which doesn’t exactly work for what Leonard has planned. So, in a very Jim Kirk move, he quietly uses Jim’s PADD the night before to let his professors know he won’t be in class the following day.

Given that Jim’s birthday is the same day as his father’s death, they’re all pretty understanding.

With that taken care of, Leonard actually gets up before Jim for once, gets everything they need together the next day and waits for Jim to wake up.

When his friend finally does get up, he blinks about three times, taking in Leonard’s fully dressed body at the kitchen table.

“What the hell are you up so early?” he asks, reaching into the fridge to grab an apple.

Leonard doesn’t bother looking up from his PADD. “Get dressed. We’re going somewhere today.”

A beat.

“What?”

“Go get dressed. I’m taking you somewhere. Go put on some casual clothes.”

Leonard looks up at Jim, who’s staring at him, mid-chew, apple still near his mouth. Leonard raises an eyebrow at him and Jim finally swallows.

“It’s a Friday morning, we both have classes.”

“Missing one day of classes won’t kill you,” Leonard says.

“Okay, who are you and what have you done with Leonard McCoy, because I know you did not just tell me to play hooky.”

“Christ, what are you, ten? We’re adults, it’s not playing hooky. Now go get dressed.”

Jim looks at him for a moment longer before shrugging and heading out of the kitchen, apple still in hand.

Before long, they’re both headed out, each with a backpack Leonard had packed, and catching a shuttle heading north.

“Where are we heading?” Jim asks him, while they’re on their way. He sounds half genuinely curious, and half nonchalant. Which means, Leonard knows, that he’s asking to give Leonard a distraction.

Leonard’s hand is currently whiteknuckling the armrest beneath him. He’s still never been able to kick that low level anxiety that settles into the pit of his stomach. Though he’s learned to mask it quite well at this point, Jim can still tell.

“A hike,” he says. “It’s one of the last warm days of the year before it becomes cold and miserable outside.”

Jim chuckles. “So, that’s the only reason you decided to steal me away today?”

Leonard side eyes him. “I did not steal you away. You’re a grown man, you came of your own volition.”

“Whatever you say,” Jim says, smiling and holding up his hands.

Leonard rolls his eyes. Blessedly, it’s a short shuttle ride. Once they’re across the Golden Gate Bridge, they’re able to get off and Leonard leads Jim to the trail marker and they head off.

It’s a long hike, which is why Leonard wanted to make sure they left early. Much of the trail is along the coast. Before long the sun comes fully out, making it comfortable outside.

It takes them about two hours to reach the halfway point. Jim keeps wanting to stop and look at the water. They take time to stop and eat the lunch Leonard has packed, just sandwiches, but Jim seems excited to eat them all the same.

They don’t talk too much while they make their way along the trail, which is fine with Leonard. Jim doesn’t seem to care either. The mutual company is enough for both of them.

Leonard was a bit worried about taking him out today. It may not be his actual birthday, but Jim knows what Leonard’s doing. However, Leonard can see the tension that Jim had held in his shoulders all week start to loosen the longer they walk. Something in Leonard relaxes as well when he sees this.

After about three hours, they finally reach the part of the hike Leonard had been waiting for. The trail widens out and grows progressively sandier as they’re taken towards a small cove that opens up into the mouth of the ocean.

Jim lets out a low whistle when he sees it and turns to Leonard, a smile on his face. “Bones, where did you find this place?”

Leonard shrugs. “Heard about it through the grapevine,” he says.

It’s not a total lie–he had gotten the idea of taking Jim on a hike after overhearing some of his coworkers talking about going on one. But he’d spent a few hours researching the best place to take Jim on his birthday.

Jim nods before taking off towards the beach. Leonard follows him, smiling. For someone who grew up surrounded by nothing but flat land and corn, Jim Kirk really enjoyed swimming.

“You’ll catch your death if you go in!” Leonard yells as he watches Jim toss his shoes and socks aside and begin to roll up his pants.

Jim turns around and sticks his tongue out at Leonard and begins to wade into the ocean.

Leonard shakes his head and stands a bit back; close enough to watch the tide roll up towards his shoes, but far enough out that the water safely secedes back into the ocean.

It’s a bit cooler down near the shore. Leonard tucks his hands in his pockets as he watches Jim splash around for a few minutes. The sun is shining over the water, making it so he has to squint slightly towards the horizon, but it’s worth it. Jim’s blond hair shines gold in the light and his laugh rings out across the bay, sounding just as golden.

Eventually, Jim makes his way back towards the shore, making sure to splash Leonard with a bit of water.

“Dammit, Jim,” he says, jumping back, but there’s no real heat behind his words. Jim laughs and sits back on the sand, looking out towards the water.

Leonard goes to sit next to him.

“Thank you,” Jim says.

He bumps Jim’s shoulder with his own. “You’re welcome, Jim.”

Eventually, they decide to head back. The trail loops back to where they came and by the time they reach campus again, the sun is low in the sky. They decide to get take-out; it’s not much of a birthday dinner in Leonard’s opinion, but it’s what Jim insisted on.

They settle in to watch an old terreran movie that Jim’s picked out when Leonard realizes he almost forgot.

“Wait here,” he tells Jim, and makes his way to the drawer by his bed. He pulls out the carefully wrapped item and tosses it to Jim when he comes back into the room.

“Here,” he says and sits down on the couch, next to Jim.

Jim stares at the wrapped object, then looks at Leonard.

“You’re supposed to open gifts, you know,” Leonard says before taking a bite of his food.

Jim still looks surprised, but he begins to open the gift. The wrapping paper gets tossed to the floor to reveal an old book which contains half the works of William Shakespear. Jim doesn’t move for a moment, except to bring his hand up to the cover gently. Leonard can see him mouth the words ‘William Shakespear’ silently.

“You’re welcome,” Leonard says, nudging him slightly. Then, “Happy birthday.”

Jim looks up at him. “You know, I think this is the first birthday present I’ve gotten in years,” Jim says, and Leonard feels his heart crack, just a little, at that confession.

“Well, get used to it,” he says, leaning back into the couch. “But don’t expect good gifts every year. I’m usually terrible at gift giving.”

Jim chuckles, and carefully sets the book down on the coffee table in front of the couch. “I get the feeling you may be lying to me,” he says.

A beat.

“Really though, thank you, Bones,” Jim says. “This is the best birthday I’ve had in...maybe in forever. I know I can be…” he stops. “Just, you didn’t have to do all this. Thank you.”

Leonard shakes his head and looks at Jim. “You don’t have to thank me for anything. You’re my best friend. I wanted to give you a good birthday. You deserve to have a good birthday.”

“You make it sound so simple.”

Leonard scoffs slightly. “That’s because it is that simple, Jim. I want to see you happy. There’s not much else to it.”

“Yeah,” Jim says slowly, smiling softly. “I guess you’re right.”

Their second year comes to a close faster than Leonard thought it would. He and Jim both spend two months of their second semester in space and finish out the year back on Earth. Jim, of course, enrolls in more summer courses. Leonard does as well, though he spends three weeks back in Georgia with Joanna before returning to San Francisco.

Luckily, Jim’s courses this summer require him to stay planetside, which Leonard is secretly grateful for. The loneliness that had plagued him last summer does not find him again this year.

It’s really nice, having the summer with Jim. The campus is still quieter, like last summer, but he and Jim use it to their advantage, studying in new places and eating at new restaurants.

It’s good. It’s easy and life is almost thoughtless, in a carefree way.

However, mid-July, near the anniversary, Leonard can feel that familiar grief building up inside of him. He does his best to ignore it, as he doesn’t want a repeat of last summer. He convinces Jim to go on a few impromptu hikes and he signs up for more clinic hours. Christine, of course, notices the uptick in hours. Clearly her memory of last year is still fresh in her mind.

Two days before the anniversary she quietly asks him if he’s doing alright and Leonard tells her he’s handling it. She doesn’t seem to believe him, if her pursed lips are anything to go by, but she drops it.

The day before, Jim seems to notice something off. Maybe it’s the extra tension in Leonard’s shoulders, or his particularly brutish attitude that day, but Leonard ignores his friend’s worried glances.

He’s fine. He’d planned on being fine, this time around.

The next day, Leonard wakes up with a profound sense of heaviness.

He messages his professors and lets them know he’s not coming in. Then he lays in his bed, staring at the ceiling, willing his body to move, to get up. To prove to himself that he’s okay, that he’s fine.

Move, dammit, he yells at himself in his mind. Just take the fucking covers off and get up.

He gives up after thirty minutes. Leonard rolls over and faces the wall to the right of his bed and closes his eyes.

“You can’t keep doing this, you miserable bastard,” he whispers, before falling back asleep.

Jim, of course, pokes his head in midday. Leonard knew he would, the nosey bastard. His eyes open briefly when his door is opened, but he shuts them again once he realizes it’s just Jim.

“Bones?” Jim calls out. “Are you alright?”

Silence.

“Okay,” Jim says, drawing out the ‘ay.’ “Obviously, not alright.” He makes his way into Leonard’s room.

“Are you sick?” he asks, making his way over to Leonard’s bed.

Leonard knows he should answer–should say something. But what should he even say? Sorry, Jim. Today’s the anniversary of the time I killed my Dad and I feel so depressed I can’t move. I’ll be fine in a few days, I swear.

God, he feels pathetic.

“Bones, buddy,” Jim laughs nervously. “You’re really starting to freak me out here–”

“M’fine,” Leonard finally responds. His tongue feels like lead.

“Yeah, no,” Jim responds. “You’re definitely not fine. Should I call Chapel? Are you sick–”

“I’m fine. Leave me alone.”

“See, I really don’t think–”

Leonard screws his eyes shut even tighter and resists the urge to yell.

“Jim,” he says, not turning. “There’s nothing you can do. Fuck off, and leave me alone.”

Silence.

“Wow. Okay. If that’s really what you want,” Jim says, his voice tight and clipped. “Whatever.”

Leonard listens as he leaves his room and then their dorm. And then he’s alone again and somehow, he feels even worse than before.

“Nice going, asshole,” he tells the empty room.

Leonard stays in bed for what feels like an eternity, but is more likely a few hours. Jim returns eventually, though Leonard cannot imagine why.

He can feel his bed dip down as Jim sits next to him. Leonard doesn’t say anything, and for a moment neither does Jim.

“So,” Jim begins, like he’s about to discuss their dinner plans or a school assignment. “I’m going to forgive whatever that was earlier. Just so you know.”

Silence.

Jim huffs out an exasperated laugh. “Right. Anyway, after you told me to fuck off, I went and talked to Chapel.”

Leonard feels his body stiffen, ever so slightly. If Jim notices, he doesn’t comment, just continues to speak.

“Well, she didn’t seem surprised when I told her what had happened. You know what she told me?” He asks but doesn’t bother waiting for a response. “She said that you were like this last summer, when I was gone. That you took almost a week off of work and classes–that you disappeared. And she said that when you did come back, you seemed angry as hell.”

Jim pauses and sighs. He sounds frustrated–no–anxious?

“Listen, I–” he stops again, and Leonard imagines him clenching his jaw, like Jim does when he can’t seem to find the right words. “I don’t know. I’m not great at this stuff, Bones. But, you can talk to me. Let me help you, please.” he says, almost pleadingly. “Let me help. You’re a doctor–whatever’s going on–you know this isn’t the way to deal with it.”

Bones stays quiet, still rolled away from Jim. His limbs feel like lead. His tongue feels like a weight in his mouth, stubborn and heavy and so, so hard to move. He lays there for a minute, listening to Jim’s breathing. It’s grounding; steadily going in and out, in and out. Leonard musters all his remaining strength that’s not currently weighed down with this blistering grief and opens his mouth.

“My Dad died. Three years ago today.”

He can hear Jim breathe in sharply, but he doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t move. His body is anchored next to Leonard and Leonard holds onto his presence for dear life, lest he fumble back down into silence.

“He was terminally sick. Incurable. It was fast acting and debilitating,” Leonard licks his lips.

“It was fucking terrible to watch, to see him waste away like that. At least with my mother… Well, I was too young to remember all the terrible details. But with my father, with my medical degree… I could see and understand everything that happened to him. Everything. I was helpless to do anything. That’s the worst part, I think. That this time around, even with all my training, I still couldn’t do anything. And then towards the end, he asked me…”

Leonard trails off. The next part is stuck, deep in his throat. He closes his eyes and counts to three before opening them again, looking straight ahead.

The wall his bed’s against is an off color of white. There’s a small chip in the paint, right straight ahead of his view. He hates that chip of paint. The color beneath it is darker than the wall. It’s an imperfection he sees almost daily, but it still irks him. He stares at this tiny defect that he can’t change and wonders for a moment, how long it’s been there. Certainly before he moved into the dorm. Maybe it’s older than him. Maybe it was made before his dad died.

Jim has his hand on Leonard’s shoulder, now. Leonard focuses on the weight of it, steadying. Calming.

It helps, but not enough. Leonard feels like he might be sick, the way his stomach is twisting up. He’s never talked about this outloud. He never told Jocelyn the whole truth and his grandmother had figured it out for him. The whole, ugly, truth has sat in his chest for three years now. Sat there like a poison, like a sickness, that reared its ugly head every year. He wanted it out, he wanted to chew the whole truth up and spit it out for good.

“Bones,” Jim begins quietly from behind Leonard. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to–”

“He asked me to end it for him,” Leonard says, cutting him off. “He wanted me to help him end it. He was going to die anyway, soon. He told me,” Leonard stops here, taking a deep breath before continuing. “He told me he wanted to see my mother again. And he asked me not to hate him. But, god Jim, I hated him for months. I think that’s actually the worst part. I killed my own dad and I hated him for it afterwards.”

Leonard doesn’t say anything after that. Just stares at the tiny fault in his wall and tries to hold himself together. He feels miles away from everything, all of a sudden. Distantly, he thinks he feels his face getting wet. He must be crying.

Jim doesn’t say anything either, for a long time. Eventually, though, Leonard can feel him moving besides him. He feels Jim lay down alongside himself, and wrap an arm around him, pulling Leonard close.

Slowly, Leonard feels himself come back, using Jim’s body heat as a guiding point.

“You know,” Jim says quietly, to the back of Leonard's head. “I hated my dad for a long time, too. I know it’s not the same. But, I hated him for leaving my mom. I hated him for tearing our family apart, for dying before I could get to know him. Throughout my childhood, my mom would walk around our house like it was haunted by him–like he was going to pop out around the corner at any moment. I think that’s why she didn’t spend much time planet side. She prefered to be away from us, in space. Sometimes I think I’m lucky that I don’t have any memories of him, you know? I don’t have anything to miss, no memories to linger on. But, I hated him for a long time, for leaving.”

Silence.

“We can stay here the rest of the day, if you want. Whatever you need,” Jim says. “You don’t have to say anything else. But for what it’s worth, I’m glad you told me.”

Leonard closes his eyes. They’re still stubbornly wet. He nods his head.

They lay like that for hours. For the rest of the day, until they both succumb to sleep.

When Leonard awakes the next morning, it takes him a moment to remember where he is and why he feels so warm. He blinks once, twice. Then realizes Jim is still in his bed and the events from the night before come rushing back to him all at once.

Leonard’s now on his back, with Jim to his right. Jim currently has his head tucked into the crook of Leonard’s neck and he’s snoring, softly.

Leonard doesn’t quite know what to make of the situation, so he does what’s easiest, and looks up at the ceiling, pulling Jim just a touch closer.

He tells himself he’ll get up in a minute–not wanting to repeat yesterday. However, he does feel better, he realizes in the dim morning light. He feels more rested, more grounded. Lighter.

The dull ache of grief and anger still lingers around his edges–and that much is still to be expected. But, he no longer feels consumed by these emotions to the point of immobility.

It’s a start. It’s more control and solace compared to what he had in previous years.

Eventually, he is able to move himself out of bed. He’s careful to not wake Jim–he probably needs the extra sleep.

Leonard’s always surprised at how deep of a sleeper Jim can be, when he feels comfortable.

He makes his way over to the bathroom and showers. Leonard takes an old fashioned one, with almost burning water. The halo showers never quite make him feel as clean.

Leonard pokes his head back into his room and sees Jim still asleep on his bed. He quietly grabs his clothes and some shoes and heads out of their apartment. It’s still early enough in the day for the air to have a slight chill to it.

Leonard stuffs his hands into his pockets and makes his way towards a bagel shop that’s within walking distance of their apartment. He makes his way over to the edge of campus; even with it now being the weekend, he wants to avoid as many people as possible.

His excursion is quick, but his mind begins to wander as he makes his way back into their apartment building. Leonard honestly has no idea what he’s going to say to Jim about what happened yesterday.

He’s hoping his friend will still be asleep by the time he gets back, but his luck seems to have run out.

Leonard unlock’s their apartment’s door, steps inside, and begins to take off his shoes when Jim rounds the corner, looking mildly panicked.

“Bones! There you are,” he says. “Where did you go?”

Leonard holds up the bag in his left hand. “I got us breakfast,” he says. “I was only gone for about ten minutes.”

Jim looks between Leonard and the bag he’s holding in his hands and his cheeks color, just a touch. “Sorry. I mean, last night...and then I woke up and you were gone…” he trails off.

Leonard feels like an asshole all over again.

“Bones–”

“Listen, Jim–”

They both stop and look at each other. Jim gives him a crooked smile.

Leonard sighs and starts again. “Jim. I wanted to apologize for yesterday–”

“Bones you don’t have to say sorry–”

Leonard cuts him off, pointing a finger at Jim. “Stop right there. I want to apologize for bein’ an ass when you were just tryin’ to help. Doesn’t matter the reason, I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.”

Jim looks like he wants to argue again for a moment, but then he thinks better of it and nods at Leonard.

“And,” Leonard looks down and fiddles with the handle of the bag he’s carrying. “I wanted to say, you know, thank you. I don’t...this time of year is always hard for me. Ever since…” he trails off.

“Bones,” Jim says softly. “It’s okay. I get it.”

And that’s the thing. He probably does. Better than anyone else in Leonard’s life. Right now, Leonard feels seen in a way he never has before; he feels ready to crawl out of his skin, feels the need to run back into his bed and bury himself away from the world and away from Jim’s all knowing eyes.

He doesn’t, but it’s a near thing.

“Yeah, well,” he starts. “I just...I’ve never told anyone about that.”

It’s quiet again for a moment.

“I never told anyone that about my dad either,” Jim says, which makes Leonard look up again. Jim shrugs, a bit helplessly. “Listen, I meant what I said yesterday. Whatever you need, Bones.”

Leonard feels a small smile creep out of his mouth. He shakes his head. “Thank you, Jim. But if I laid in that bed any longer, I’d probably become a part of it. Besides, I think I’d go crazy if I looked at that chip on my wall any longer.”

Jim furrowed his eyebrows slightly. “Chip on your wall?”

“Yeah, there’s this damn chip in the paint near my bed. It’s…” Leonard trails off and feels his face heat up a bit. He shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter. I just wanted to say thank you. And I got us breakfast.”

He holds the bag of bagels out, Jim smiles and takes them, and they both head to the kitchen.

Later that evening, Leonard gets called into the clinic and he’s so exhausted by the time he gets back that he all but dives back into his bed.

He’s just about to close his eyes when he notices it–the chip in the paint on his wall is no longer there. Leonard reaches his hand out and runs his fingers softly over the fixed wall and smiles.

“Thanks, Jim.”

The summer closes out gently, with both Jim and Leonard facing the start of their third year at Starfleet. Their summer courses end a bit earlier this year, giving them two weeks before the start of the new school year.

Leonard had planned to bring Jim out with him to Georgia–excited to finally formally introduce Jim and Joanna, along with visiting his grandmother. But, something unexpected happens.

Jim’s mother sends her son a message a week before their semester ends. She’s going to be earthside in Iowa and she wants to see him. This, of course, leaves Jim anxious and pacing their entire last week of classes.

“You know,” Leonard tells him one evening. “You don’t have to go out and see her. You could just stay here. Or come with me out to Georgia.”

Jim stops his pacing for a moment and looks at Leonard. “I wouldn’t want to make you have to do that, Bones.”

Leonard huffs and rolls his eyes. “You wouldn’t be making me do anything. I was planning on asking you anyway.”

“Really?” Jim asks, looking stunned.

“Yeah,” Leonard says. “Joanna’s been itchin’ to meet you in person for a while.”

This makes Jim smile. “But,” Leonard continues. “I won’t hold it against you if you want to see your Ma.”

Jim shakes his head and makes his way over to their couch, throwing himself down next to Leonard. “I just… it’s been so long since I’ve last seen her. Hell, it’s been a long time since I’ve even spoken to her.”

“Do you want to see her?” Leonard asks.

Jim’s quiet a moment. He leans his head back and looks up at their ceiling, seemingly rolling Leonard’s question around in his head. “Yeah,” he finally says, quietly, like he doesn’t want to admit it. “I do want to see her.”

Leonard reaches over and sets a hand on Jim’s shoulder. Jim turns his head to look at him.

“Then you should go see her,” Leonard says. “Because if you don’t you’ll regret it. If it goes badly, you don’t have to see her again. If it goes well–then you can move on from there.”

That conversation seems to settle the question in Jim’s mind and so Leonard ends up going out to Georgia by himself. His shuttle ride across the country goes well, all things considered. He’s proud of how well he holds in his anxiety–but he desperately wishes that Jim was there to keep him distracted. Nevertheless, he makes it home without any major incident, besides a bad case of nerves. When he finally arrives in Georgia, however, he feels settled. Leonard’s grown fond of San Francisco and the west coast these past years, but nothing will ever compare to home.

His time back is a much needed break. He’s, of course, overjoyed to see Joanna. She’s still telling everyone that she wants to be a doctor, or a nurse, which warms Leonard’s heart. All in all, it’s a relaxing trip.

He wonders if Jim’s trip is going well too.

They’ve been shooting messages back and forth, of course. But Leonard knows the other man is just as stubborn as he is and won’t let him know if things are going bad with his mom. He’ll just have to wait until they’re both back out west to get the full story from him.

Leonard also carves out time to visit his grandmother. He and Joanna spend the last five days of his trip visiting her house. She still lives in the same house from his childhood, surrounded by acres of farmland and peach trees.

His grandmother takes every opportunity to spoil Joanna and Leonard lets her without comment. It’s been too long since he’s been able to spend time with them both. It feels easy, in a way that life hasn’t felt for Leonard in a while. He tries to absorb every drop of it, knowing that in a few years, he’ll be stationed in space, far away from them both.

The day before he’s set to leave, Leonard’s grandmother insists on cooking his favorite soup for dinner. It’s an all day kind of recipe, the kind that includes lots of chopping and a pot that simmers for hours. Joanna runs off early in the afternoon, playing with some of the local kids, while Leonard stays behind to help his grandmother cook.

They make idle chit-chat for a while before his grandmother clears her throat.

“You know,” she says. “I’m extremely proud of you. I wasn’t sure, at first, if Starfleet was the best option for you.”

Leonard snorts. He sneaks a glance towards her for a moment, before returning to chopping up vegetables. “Oh yeah? Why was that? Thought that my fear of space and Starfleet probably wouldn’t mix well?”

His grandmother laughs and shakes her head. “That was certainly part of it,” she says. “But, you had just gone through so much. The death of your father, the divorce, the custody battle…” she trails off again.

Leonard stops chopping for a moment and looks up. There’s a window overlooking an apple tree outside the kitchen. He once fell out of that tree as a kid and broke his arm. His grandmother had scolded him the entire way to the hospital, but she’d taken him out for ice cream afterwards.

“You thought I was running away,” he says, still looking out the window.

And that was the truth. He had been running away. He’d been a coward.

His grandmother is quiet for a moment. “I was just so worried,” she says softly. “You went away from me and there wasn’t anything I could do to help. I couldn’t reach you.”

Suddenly, Leonard feels just as small and helpless as he did the day he fell out of that apple tree. He also feels tired, so tired. This is what he and his grandmother have done for the past couple of years–they’ve danced around the topic of his father’s death.

Leonard sets down the knife and turns to look at his grandmother. She’s getting older, but she’s still younger than most grandmothers. She’d been young when she had his father, and Leonard’s parents had been young when they had him.

She continues to work as he stares. Leonard watches as she pours stock into a large pot on the stove and suddenly, Leonard is struck with how much she’s lost as well. How much she’s also hurt these past years and how he’s played a role in that pain.

“How did you do it?”

“Do what?” she asks, turning to look at Leonard, her eyebrows furrowed.

“How did you live through the death of your son?” he asks again. “I mean, I lost a father, but you lost your child.” Leonard stresses the last word; if anything ever happened to Joanna, it would probably be the end of him.

He watches as his grandmother stills for a moment, pausing as she wipes her hands on her apron. Then, she looks directly at Leonard.

“Oh, Leonard,” she says, wearing a sad smile. “I was a mess. I’m still a mess. No parent should ever outlive their son.”

“But you did,” Leonard says. He looks off to the side. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m sorry for taking him away from you.”

“Leonard,” she says, her voice startlingly sharp. “You did no such thing. What your father asked you to do…” she stops and takes a deep, steading breath. “He should have never asked his son for that. Regardless, it was his choice. He was close to the end. We would’ve lost him soon, anyway.”

Leonard feels his hands start to shake slightly and he balls thim into fists by his side. His grandmother approaches him and pulls him down into a deep hug.

“Oh, Leonard. I still have you. You’re the dearest thing I have in this universe, along with Joanna. And I want you to know that I am so proud of you. Regardless of what happened all those years ago, I am still proud of you.”

She pulls back, and takes his head in her hands and smiles, with tears in her eyes. “And just look at all you’ve done! You became a doctor, you brought life into this world, and now look at you! Almost a fully fledged Starfleet officer. You look good, healthier than you have in a while.”

Leonard smiles down at her and chuckles. “Thank you,” he says softly. “I feel better than I have in years.”

His grandma smiles and then laughs again. “Well! Look at us, two waterworks, huh?” she turns back towards the pot of soup that’s beginning to heat up. “Now, get back to chopping and tell me about what Starfleet’s really like.”

And so he does. Leonard tells her about his classes; about how they’re challenging, but in a good way. How he’s never learned so much. He tells her about the clinic, about the many, many, dumb cadets who come into it with injuries from drunken fights or from stupid dares. He tells her about his friends; about Christine, who takes none of his bite. He tells her about all of this and more.

But mostly, he tells her about Jim.

Jim, who he almost threw up on the first time they met. Jim, who doesn’t like to celebrate his birthday, but who let Leonard do it for him anyway. Jim, who is probably the smartest man he’s ever met, with a heart of gold to match. He tells her about his nickname, and she laughs and laughs.

“Well,” she says after Leonard gets done telling her about their first foray into space together. “He certainly sounds like a charming young man.”

Leonard smiles and rolls his eyes. “He’s also the biggest pain in my ass. If he ever heard you calling him charming, he’d never shut up about it.”

“Regardless,” she continues, patting Leonard’s hand. They’re both seated now, waiting for the soup to finish as it boils on the stove. “I’d love to meet him sometime. Bring him out to Georgia next time you visit. Anyone that important to you, I have to meet.”

Leonard’s face flushes and he coughs. “Yeah, well. The plan is to have him come out here next summer,” he says.

His grandmother tilts her head and looks at him. Leonard narrows his eyes.

“What?” he asks.

“Are you two…” she trails off, smiling.

“We–no,” Leonard says firmly. “Jim is a friend. Just a friend.”

His grandmother is quiet a moment. The sounds of the kitchen take over; the soft bubbling of the soup fills the room and a gentle warm breeze blows in from the window behind them. Faintly, the demure sound of windchimes dance in the air around them. His grandmother turns and looks out the window at the rolling landscape.

“You know, before I married your grandpa, there was another man.”

Leonard startles at the sudden shift in topic. “There was?” he asks.

She nods her head, still looking away. “Oh yes. I was head over heels for his man–his name was Richard. We were actually engaged,” she says, shifting her head to hand, smiling softly..

Leonard feels his eyebrows go up. He’s never heard this story before.

“I thought that Richard was the one–my soulmate. Maybe I was young and naive, or maybe I was just in love, but I couldn’t imagine life without him.”

“What happened?”

She shrugs and finally turns back to him. “What usually happens. Life got in the way. I wanted to become a nurse, he didn’t want me away at school. We fought. Eventually, the engagement was called off. I was heartbroken. At the time, I had felt betrayed–if I couldn’t make it work with the person I loved most in the world, then who could I make it work with? And then one day, in a hurry to get to my class, someone ran into me and sent my PADD and class work flying,”, she laughs.

“Boy, I was mad. I was ready to tear into whoever this nearsighted fool was and give them a piece of my mind. Instead, I looked up and saw a very handsome man who offered to help me pick up my things. And that was how I met your grandpa.”

It’s cute, but Leonard doesn’t get why he’s hearing this story.

He shakes his head. “I don’t understand why you’re telling me all of this,” he says.

His grandmother reaches across the table and lays a hand against Leonard’s cheek.

“Because,” she says. “I wanted to show you that you still have time, Leonard. I know how hard life has been for you these past few years. I know how much you loved Jocelyn and how hard the divorce was, but you can have more than one great love. You still have time for a happy life. This man, Jim, you have to tell him how you feel. You’ve stopped running from everything else, it’s time to stop running from your happiness. You deserve to be happy.”

Behind them a timer goes off and his grandmother smiles. “Soup’s ready.”

“So, are you ready for our final year?”

Leonard raises an eyebrow at Jim. “The typical required schooling for Starfleet is four years.”

They’re both back in San Francisco now. Classes start in the morning, but neither of them are worried. Both of them returned a little more relaxed. When Leonard had asked Jim how the visit with his mom had gone, Jim had smiled and said it went well.

(“It went–it went well.”

“Really?”

“I–yeah," Jim had said and smiled. It wasn’t one of his big, brash smiles–the one he saves for crowds and authority figures. It was soft, serene, and achingly sincere. “It went really, really well. I think–I think we're better, now.”

And Leonard had believed him.)

Jim smirks. “Your point?”

“My point,” Leonard says, pointing at the other man, “is that we’re starting our third year, not our fourth.”

“Don’t be so pessimistic, Bones,” Jim says, clapping a hand on his shoulder as they continue to walk across campus. “I bet you that we’ll be assigned to a Starship by the end of the year.”

Leonard rolls his eyes and shoves Jim’s hand off of him. “Does this have anything to do with your other bet? The one with Pike?”

Jim at least has the decency to look bashful.

“It wasn’t a bet,” he says, scowling. “It was a promise.” When Leonard doesn’t look convinced, Jim nudges him with his shoulder. “C’mon, Bones! You came into Starfleet with a whole medical degree, which already puts you at an advantage. Plus, we’ve both been taking summer courses. We’ve got this,” he says, grinning.

Despite himself, Leonard smiles and nudges Jim back. “Okay, but who says we’re both going to be assigned to the same Starship?”

He’s teasing Jim now and Jim falls for the bait immediately.

“Bones,” he stresses. “You’re my doctor, of course you’ll be on the same ship as me. And someday, I’ll be captain and you’ll be CMO.”

Leonard rolls his eyes at Jim’s optimism–it’s damn contagious–but he smiles. “I was just messin’ with you. Of course I’ll be on the same ship as you, who else is gonna keep you alive out there?”

Jim laughs. “I wouldn’t trust that job to anyone but you, Bones.”

Something goes funny in Leonard’s stomach and he realizes that maybe his grandma was right.

He should tell Jim.

After their first week back, Jim insists they go out and do something fun.

“C’mon, Bones,” Jim says. “We’ve survived our first week back, we should celebrate the start of our last year!”

Leonard rolls his eyes. “You just want an excuse to go out drinking,” he points out. But, Leonard is already setting his PADD down.

“Maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to hang out with my friend,” Jim shoots back.

“Now I know you’re full of shit, because we literally live together,” he replies and Jim laughs. “Where do you want to go?”

About a few hours later, Leonard finds himself pleasantly buzzed, walking back to their apartment while Jim happily chats his ear off. He can tell Jim’s also a bit buzzed–there’s a rosie tinge to his cheeks. That, and Jim always gets more chatty after a bit of alcohol. It’s a bit endearing to Leonard, who’s happy to just listen to his friend.

As they approach their apartment, Leonard stumbles and Jim is quick to catch him.

“Easy there,” Jim laughs. “You sure you didn’t sneak an extra drink?”

Leonard scoffs, which makes Jim laugh again. His friend casually loops his arm around Leonard’s and doesn’t let go, holding him the rest of the way back. The action makes Leonard’s stomach swoop and he leans into the touch.

They manage to find their way back and Jim reaches to turn on the lights in their apartment.

“Ugh, I can’t believe they wouldn’t play my song requests,” Jim grumbles, finally untangling himself from Leonard to take off his shoes.

Leonard rolls his eyes and follows suit. “Probably because you kept requesting ancient music no one’s heard of.”

Jim scoffs and puts a hand up to his chest in mock outrage. “Music from the 2oth century isn’t that ancient,” he argues. Leonard gives him a look and Jim shakes his head. “Here, let me show you, they had some good music back then.”

Before he can say anything, Jim’s dashing over to his PADD and connecting it to a speaker. Leonard watches as Jim furiously types something into the tablet, his brows furrowed in concentration. After a moment, he nods and presses play. From the grainy speaker, a deep voice begins to sing out, followed by a soft piano.

Leonard cocks his head for a moment, listening. “Is this jazz?” he asks.

Jim smiles. “An oldie but a goodie,” he says. “People used to dance to this kind of music all the time.”

“Where’d you even find this stuff?” he asks and Jim shrugs.

“My dad had a collection of old fashioned records and an antique record player. I used to listen to them as a kid.”

Leonard listens to the music for a moment while he gets his other shoe off. When he looks up, Jim’s smiling at him. “What?” Leonard asks.

“Care for this dance?” Jim asks, holding out a hand.

Leonard raises his eyebrows. “What–here?”

“Well, we have the music for it,” Jim jokes. He doesn’t give Leonard a chance to answer though, before grabbing his hand and pulling him close.

Leonard stumbles into Jim and a laugh bubbles out of him. He grabs Jim’s other hand, still chuckling. When he looks back at Jim, he’s expecting the other man to tease his clumsiness again. Instead, Jim’s just staring back at him, a soft smile on his face.

Leonard raises an eyebrow. “What’s so interesting? Do I have something on my face?”

Jim chuckles and shakes his head. “No it’s just–you have a real nice laugh, Bones. I wish I heard more often.”

Leonard’s stunned for a moment. Jim’s always doing that to him–surprising him when he leasts expects it. Around them, the song turns over into another one, this time a woman’s voice begins to sweetly sing out. They keep dancing.

Leonard clears this throat. “Do you remember your birthday, during our first year?” he asks as they sway.

Jim tilts his head thoughtfully, eyes looking up for a moment. “I remember getting plastered and waking up in your bed,” he laughs.

“Well, you told me that night that I was a terrible liar,” Leonard says.

Jim looks surprised. “I did?”

“Uh huh,” Leonard says, smiling. “And you told me that I put up with you because I loved you.”

“Huh. I don’t remember that at all,” Jim says, looking a little embarrassed.

“I figured as much,” Leonard chuckles. “I only mention it to let you know that you were right.”

“About which part? You being a terrible liar or you loving me?”

Leonard laughs again. “Both, I guess,” and Jim stills. They stop dancing for a moment and Leonard’s heart begins to race. He doesn’t let go of Jim–he won’t let himself lose his nerve. “I love you,” he says clearly. “I love you, Jim.”

For a moment, Jim doesn’t say anything. Then, he smiles and it’s the best thing Leonard’s ever seen.

“You know,” Jim says, nudging Leonard into moving to the music again. “I have something to tell you too.”

“Oh yeah?” Leonard asks and Jim pulls Leonard into a kiss.

Leonard’s surprise lasts only a second, before he’s leaning into the kiss.

Jim pulls back after a moment. “I love you, too,” he says breathlessly. “Just in case it wasn’t obvious.”

Leonard laughs and pulls him back into a deep kiss.

Behind them, the music continues to play on and they let it, until the early hours of the morning.