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“Hello, and welcome to another edition of BuzzFeed Unsolved Postmortem: a show where we answer your most pressing questions about the most recent episode of BuzzFeed Unsolved, which was Red John,” Ryan recites, as Shane stared off into the distance with his usual glazed over expression. “All the questions we're answering today came from you guys via our BuzzFeed Unsolved facebook page, our BuzzFeed Unsolved instagram page, as well as directly on the video on BUN.”
“This week's video was a—was a doozy, Ryan!” Shane exclaimed, turning to his co-host emphatically. “It was a lot of twists and turns and I'm still not entirely sure what to think.”
“Well, no one is; that's why it's unsolved,” Ryan replied with an eye roll. “But who knows? Maybe the good viewers of our show will have some revelations for us.”
“Let's get into it!” Shane said, rubbing his hands together hungrily. “How about we start in the good ol' town of the Gram!
“roshjio34 says, out of all the theories which one do you think is the most realistic of being true?
“Now, let me think,” Shane said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “I actually think the Bret Stiles theory was pretty good—he has a lot of pull, he has a lot of followers at his disposal, the first victims were members of his church...” He shrugged. “Seems likely to me.” He glanced over at the shorter man. “What about you, Ry?”
“Patrick Jane,” Ryan said without hesitation. Shane threw his arms up and Ryan added, “Dude, I'm just saying it seems the most likely! He's sketch!”
“So's Stiles! And Rosalind Harker! I just really feel like it's not him—”
“Do not say it's because he's—”
“He's such a cool guy, Ryan!”
“Goddamnit, Shane!”
“This comes from Carol Jackson on Facebook. Carol says, Can't trust anyone with two first names. Patrick Jane is obviously Red John *kissy face emoji* #shaniac #obviouslytheculprit #trustme” Ryan threw his head back with laughter. “That—that's true!” He looked over to Shane. “What do you say to that?”
“I think that Carol Jackson is a hypocrite.”
Ryan let out a full belly laugh.
“pumpedupgamer from YouTube asks, i love the rj mafia theory! i know it was a joke but honestly i believe it i mean this guy is one of the most prolific serial killers (who was never caught at least) and he always seemed to be one step ahead of the cbi it makes sense he'd be more than one person. Hey, I agree with that!”
“My only thing is that, if it were more than one person, why would they all stop killing at the same time?” Ryan pointed out, scratching his chin. “Red John hasn't been confirmed to have murdered anyone for over five years.”
Shane frowned. “Okay, yeah, that doesn't make too much sense.” After a moment, he said, “Maybe there was a reason they all stopped, if indeed this theory is correct? Like, maybe they needed to lay low?” He looked into the camera with a smirk. “They knew the ghoul boys were onto them.”
“Right they are.” Ryan, in his Ricky Goldsworth persona, leaned on his elbows with a matching smirk. “They better keep on the lookout; the ghoul boys are coming.”
“Back to Facebook, Jacob Weston said, I think that Jane actually did end up killing Red John. He stopped killing and then Jane disappears. You say that it's because Jane WAS Red John, but maybe it's because he KILLED Red John. Murder is still murder, and maybe there wasn't enough evidence to prove that it was actually Red John, so Jane ran away to escape guilty charges. Idk, just a theory #shitfish #loveyoughoulbois
“Now, this is a theory I can get behind,” Ryan said. “It makes a lot of sense, actually. The good guy getting justice, but disappearing because he doesn't want to be convicted for murder. Good on you, Jacob!”
“I really like this theory too! Jane—my guy!—got justice for his family and is still the good guy!” Shane raised his hands in the air excitedly. “I love it!”
“Yeah, and it's pretty plausible too, and goes along well with what little evidence we have,” Ryan said, ticking points off of his fingers. He smiled at the camera. “You're—you're a smart cookie, Jacob.”
“S—” Shane stifled a laugh and looked over to his co-host. “Smart cookie? What is this, the 1930s?”
“I—shut up, Shane!”
“No, no, it's okay; we can get dolled up and go out for some giggle juice, sounds keen!”
“Fuck off, Shane!”
“Back to Gram-town, cupcakeofawesomeness asked, what do you guys think of Patrick Jane's official Seven Suspects? Idk if you've seen it, it was recently leaked—our boi Jane had a list of seven people he thought could be RJ! It's v interesting #nottomentionalltheaforementionedsuspectsaredead👀 #screwoffryanpatrickjaneisinnocent #idontbelieveinghostsbutibelieveingodsoiguessimashitfish???” Shane laughed at the tags, then turned to Ryan. “Do you know anything about this official suspect list?”
“I only found out about that recently,” Ryan said, twirling his pen between his fingers. “It was leaked, like, the day after we filmed the ep.”
“Who are the suspects?”
“Let me pull it up...”
“Patrick Jane's Seven Suspects are as follows: Brett Partridge, the CBI's forensics leader; Bret Stiles, Visualize's founder; Thomas McAllister, the sheriff of Napa County; Gale Bertram, the director of the CBI; Reede Smith, an FBI agent; Raymond Haffner, a private investigator, Visualize member, former FBI and CBI agent; and Robert Kirkland, a Homeland Security agent,” Ryan read, squinting at his laptop screen. “According to this leaked information, one of Red John's followers—which is apparently a thing—let slip to Jane that he had shook RJ's hand at one point, so these suspects are narrowed down from everyone Jane had ever shaken hands with.” He looked over at Shane incredulously. “Patrick Jane is crazy.”
“Wow,” Shane said, staring at the computer in disbelief. “Yeah, that's... Either totally insane or just incredible.”
“Is it really a contest?”
“Wait, if the only crossover from Jane's suspects and your suspects is Bret Stiles...” Shane grinned. “That means he's Red John!”
“Are you saying that Jane is infallible or me?” Ryan laughed when Shane began to splutter. “Maybe it's someone else, like someone who would literally turn out to be the worst reveal ever.”
Shane snorted. “Yeah, like that Sheriff McAllister.” He raised his voice mockingly. “Wow, I shook hands with a member of law enforcement I've worked with who was doing his job, huh, must be Red John!” Ryan wheezed. “What evidence does Jane have on him? Just the hand thing?”
“Uh, to my knowledge, yes.” Shane wheezed now and Ryan added, “I mean, this is all leaked information and maybe not all of it was leaked out or maybe this is completely fake—but if we're talking about it, I actually like Raymond Haffner for it.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah! I mean, it said he's a Private I, who is a member of Visualize, and used to work with the CBI and FBI—it seems like he has his hands in everything.”
“That's true, actually!” Shane said, eyebrows raised. “There any internet theories on him?”
“None with any real evidence,” Ryan said with a shake of his head. “I mean, even these more 'official' suspects, don't have much evidence on them.”
“Who does this guy think he is?” Shane exclaimed, leaning forward dramatically. “What, Red John, too good for evidence?”
“Yeah,” Ryan agreed with a snort. “Don't act all high and mighty, RJ—no one is too good for evidence!”
Another bout of laughter followed.
“But in all seriousness if you know anything about Red John's identity, please report it to the proper authorities,” Shane added solemnly, staring at the camera. There was a snicker before the video cut to the next clip.
“Going to YouTube, meridaaaaaa says, i thought you guys said rdj instead of rj and i was thoroughly confused, like, what did iron man do to you???” Shane threw his head back, chortling. “Merida—or should I say, Meridaaaaaa—I can only wish that were true.”
Ryan snickered, with an eyebrow raised. “Do you? Do you really?”
Shane looked thoughtful and said, “Yeah.” Ryan wheezed and Shane continued. “It'd be an interesting talking point and, hey—” He gave the camera a grin. “We'd know who Red John was.”
“But you want him to turn out to be Robert Downey Jr?”
Shane shrugged, looking over at another camera. “Sounds good to me.”
Ryan scoffed. “I'd rather him be unknown than be RDJ.”
“You—” Shane laughed. “You'd rather have another unsolved serial killer than have a goofy actor revealed as a killer and be detained, prevented from murdering anyone else?”
“I—” Ryan was cut off by his own wheezing. Shane gave the audience an exaggerated look of concern, only eliciting more giggles from his co-host.
“This one comes from sandymontagsss on instagram, uh, Sandy says, patrick jane grew up in a circus.” Ryan looked over at his friend with a growing smile and, suppressing his wheezes, said, “That—that is literally all Sandy says.”
Shane allowed himself to guffaw at that. “And that's all Sandy wrote!” He wheezed, adding, “Is—is that even factual?”
“I have no idea.” Ryan laughed along with his taller counterpart. “I mean, uh, she seems pretty sure of herself. Just—” He stifled his laughter, leaning back with an air of confidence, miming a mic drop. “Patrick Jane grew up in a circus. Boom. There you go. Mystery solved.”
“I guess we can go home,” Shane said. “Sandy's done our job for us!”
“BuzzFeed's gonna hire Sandy instead of us.” They exchange faux fearful glances, before looking back at the cameras. “Oh shit.”
“What do we got coming up this week, Ryan?” Shane asked, leaning forward intently.
“Nothing! That's the season finale of True Crime,” Ryan said with a wide grin. “It was a good season. But, uh, anyway, that does it for this episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved Postmortem. Make sure you watch the episode this Friday and send in your questions to Buzzfeed Unsolved facebook page, the Buzzfeed Unsolved instagram page, or comment on the video directly and you could be in the next postmortem.” He gives his co-host a side-eyed glance, squinting suspiciously. “Still no Hotdaga, right?”
“Not this week—”
“Thank God—”
“But it'll be back!” Shane winked at the camera. “Get ready. It's coming.”
“I'm overjoyed.” Ryan's deadpan sent Shane in a fit of giggles. A smile broke over his face and he stood up. “Okay, I'm done here. Let's go.”
“All right.”