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“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.” And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt’s controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other—their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press.
Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione’s attention and pines for a real marriage with her—even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco’s blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body.
(With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson’s career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione’s Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco’s right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.)
Series
- Part 1 of THE BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC SERIES
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 195,969
- Chapters:
- 21/21
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- 7,231
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- 27,791
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- 11,020
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Bookmarked by fob2tk
27 Apr 2025
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Harry Potter was the Chosen One, and Neville Longbottom was the boy no one chose. Then Neville defied Voldemort, killed Nagini, and took down Greyback. Neville came out of the war different: You won’t get a rise out of him but you will get a reaction.
After a tumultuous trauma bond with Luna Lovegood and a failed engagement to Hannah Abbott, Neville has sworn off relationships—only to be paired with Pansy Parkinson under the Reconciliation Act. Neville’s running a nursery, guest lecturing in the Hogwarts Herbology Department, and hunting down Death Eaters with Seamus Finnigan, Alicia Spinnet, George Weasley, and the mercenaries Bill Weasley befriended while raiding tombs for Gringotts. He doesn’t need a Slytherin wife whose best mates are Draco Malfoy and Theodore Nott. Or does he? When he and Pansy prove extremely sexually compatible, Neville must confront his own questions about love, trust, and vulnerability—just as the revival of blood supremacy and a renewed veneration of Bellatrix have strange new bedfellows seeking him out.
Featuring sex, violence, and poisonous plants, DIRTY, FLIRTY, AND VINDICTIVE takes place during BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC with flashbacks to Neville’s life between 1998 and 2003.
Series
- Part 2 of THE BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC SERIES
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 172,892
- Chapters:
- 26/26
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- 5,515
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- 3,027
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- 994
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Bookmarked by fob2tk
27 Apr 2025
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The Room of Requirement is crowded by eighth years, all having been given a burner phone for the purpose of figuring out who amongst them is their match based on sexual compatibility. A kink exploration tale.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 20,149
- Chapters:
- 18/18
- Comments:
- 153
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- 1,796
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- 474
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- 49,028
Bookmarked by fob2tk
03 Apr 2025
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In December of 2001, Draco Malfoy was meant to be married. Unfortunately, a union with Astoria Greengrass would be impossible as his soul had already been bound to another's.
Now, if only he could remember whose...-
“A birth bond?” Narcissa asked.
Alistair shook his head, “I’m afraid not. This is something else entirely.”
He made eye contact with Draco before quickly looking away.
“This is a chosen bond… a mutual decision…”
-Now Complete | E - Rated | See Tags
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 80,889
- Chapters:
- 25/25
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- 951
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- 6,676
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- 2,650
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- 243,551
Bookmarked by fob2tk
03 Apr 2025
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The latest in magical advancements is an enchantment that reveals the bearer’s romantic compatibility with another person. Effectively eliminating uncertainty from dating, the charm can tell you whether or not you’ve found The One with a precise, Hermione Granger-approved calculation of traits and preferences. It’s a foolproof method of predicting relationship happiness. It’s also, for Hermione, positively dreadful news. Dramione, post-war, soulmate AU. COMPLETE.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 98,052
- Chapters:
- 12/12
- Collections:
- 25
- Comments:
- 1,468
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- 8,870
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- 4,196
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- 419,791
Bookmarked by fob2tk
03 Apr 2025