Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Prouloge

I pull my hair back into a tight bun and feel the perspiration on my forehead. I can’t flake now, it’s too late. I’m already standing on the chair and the noose is around my neck. The world will be a better place without me, a world without Connor Murphy notorious disappointment to his family, the only way I’ll be happy is if I’m dead. I take one last breath and kick my feet. And then the chair below me was gone. I felt the rope instantly tighten around my throat and try to calm down as my body starts to react to the lack of oxygen. I can finally be happy, I can finally be free. As I close my eyes and tense while I try to inhale, the last thing I hear is my door being forced open and Zoe, screaming. Zoe, who has always been the strong one, the one who won’t cry who won’t be broken.

May 28th, Connor Murphy, Eighteen years old, tried to kill himself, and failed.

…

I climbed higher, one foot after the other, one branch then to another. I look down from the branch that I’m on and feel my breath hitch as I realize how high up I am, my chest begins to rise and fall rapidly. Why am I so scared, I’ve climbed countless trees in my life. Of course I hope this is the last tree that I climb. A nice forty foot tall oak. This branch is nice, I’ll sit here for a while. My breath finally slows down to a normal rate. And I look out to the entrance of the park where a familiar car pulls in quickly. Jared, he found the letter. Well it’s now or never. I carefully stand up on the brittle branch and see him running towards the forest, the small figure moving frantically towards him. It’s now or never, I take a step forward and feel myself falling. I land, wrong, I know that I won’t die. The last thing I hear before I black out from the pain is Jared screaming at me not to fall asleep, to stay with him. Jared, who had the brightest smile, who never gave a damn what other people thought of him.

May 28th, Evan Hansen, Seventeen years old, tried to kill himself, and failed.

Chapter Text

Why should I have to talk to her, I don’t even talk to the stupid shrink so why do I have to be here. It makes me so uncomfortable to watch her stare at me knowing that she’s judging me, she’s analyzing everything I’m doing and always writing on that stupid clipboard. God I just wish I could just see what she’s always writing.
“Evan sweetie,” I flinched at her voice, it’s so fake, like she’s trying to calm down a fussy child. “I just texted your mom because we’re ending early. Listen I just don’t think that therapy is what you need. So, I’ve decided that I’m gonna pair you up with another boy from your school who had a similiar, situation.” I nodded slowly but I felt my heart rate speeding up. I stood up and bee-lined for the door. “The counselor I spoke too said that since tomorrow is the first day you’ll be meeting him in the library.” I nod my head quickly, maybe too quickly, god she totally thought I was a freak. By the time I was out of the building I was hyperventilating and I felt my fingers wrap around the hem of my shirt. The honk of a car horn makes me jump and I see Jared sitting in his car smiling at me.
“Get in nerd!” He laughed out the window, I felt a smile playing on my lips and my breath was evening out. Jared always had this calming effect on me, he always has brought the comedy into my pathetic life. I opened the passenger door and sat down, buckling my seat belt quickly since I knew that Jared always drives like a maniac. He pulls out of the parking space before I can even grab the hem of my shirt again. “So did you talk to the shrink yet?” He laughs rolling his window down and sticking his elbow out of the window and his hair blew around making it messier than usual.
“Nope, but good news, I don’t have to talk to her ever again.” I say, my voice is hoarse because I only ever talk to him.
“Well what’s the bad news?” he said shooting me a toothy grin.
“I’m gonna have to go to daily meetings with some other boy who tried to off himself, and honestly it makes me want to try again.” I muttered the last part but Jared gasped.
“Holy shit! Holy freaking shit! I know exactly who she was talking about.” He yells like an enthusiastic child.
“Oh no.” A memory stirs in my head, the boy who shoved me into my locker countless times, the boy who screamed at me because I coughed in the computer lab and he thought I was laughing. The boy who every single day made my life a living hell, who went out of his way to hurt me. The reason why I jumped out of that tree. Jared says it at the same time that his name comes to my mind.
“Connor Murphy.”

Chapter Text

“Connor!” Zoe is pounding on my bedroom door and I sit up. I groan and rub my head, pain throbs throughout my body, great just what I needed on my first day back, a hangover.
“What the hell Zoe!” I roll over and look at my alarm, the time reading five thirty, “It’s so freakin’ early” My words were slurred.
“You told me to wake you up so you could do your makeup or some shit.” I heard her walk back to her room and she slammed the door. I reached on to the nightstand and put my glasses on. Every movement burned my joints and limbs but I sat at my desk and started to pull stuff out; a small mirror that I propped up against the wall, a handful of hair ties that I probably won’t use, a hairbrush, some black nail polish and miscellaneous amounts of makeup. I rolled my chair over to the closet and stood up sorting through the dark shades, I pick out a black tank top with black skinny jeans and toss them onto my bed before also grabbing some maroon suspenders. And throwing them into the pile and start to change, once I clipped the suspenders on I quickly turned on my phone and started the soundtrack of Spring Awakening (if you haven’t listened to Spring Awakening i totally recommend it but it’s also pretty inappropriate so if you're younger than thirteen just be warned.) while sitting back at my desk I started methodically painting my nails with the tar black polish while quietly chanting the chorus part from All That’s Known. Once my nails are dry I attempt to comb through my mess of dirty blondeish brown hair, to no avail. I give up after many painful tugs at the endless knots. I walk to the bathroom as quietly and quickly as possible so I don’t risk running into anyone. I take my glasses off and carefully place the clear contact lenses into my eyes and sneak back into my room just as quickly. After a little bit of rummaging through my makeup I find the right concealer and spread it along my wrist and blend it in so my scars aren’t as red, I reached over to my phone and changed the soundtrack to The Hunchback of Notre Dame because I know that if I keep on listening to Spring Awakening I’ll cry and ruin my makeup. I quickly draw on the wings of my eyeliner and pull down on the skin below my eye’s so I can line the bottom of them. I hear Mom call me from down stairs telling me breakfast is ready,
“One second!” I yell back and uncap the mascara and quickly paint it onto my eyelashes, making the long, nearly invisible blond strands stand out and making my already icey blue eyes more noticeable. While throwing my messenger bag over my shoulder I shoot a glance into the full length mirror behind my door, if any other guy in school had dressed like this guys like me would beat the shit out of them for looking dorky, yet I still loved this style. God what’s wrong with me. I run down the stairs and see the fucking Brady Bunch waiting for me. Mom was trying her hardest to make some sort of conversation. God she tried so hard to make us seem like a normal family. I took the only seat left open at the table and started scooping eggs into my mouth. All the conversation stopped once I sat down. I felt all of them staring at me, for god's sake I dressed like this for pretty much the whole summer, did they really think it would be different today. Larry sighed a I felt him staring at me from across the table.
“Connor you can not go to school like that. He says it sternly, as if that’ll make me listen. I just roll my eyes at the table but I can see Mom but a hand on his arm and I hear her whisper,
“Larry please.”
“God Connor, you look like a fucking girl, no son of mine should be wearing makeup and painting his goddamn nails. Letting you keep your hair that long was already going too far in my opinion.” He stands up and starts walking towards me. I have no idea what he plans on doing but I get up and quickly head for the door, I hear some kind of scuffle behind me and before I can reach for the door knob I hear mom behind me,
“Connor....” I turn quickly, a scowl on my face, “You look beautiful.” I turn and walk out of the house and once I’m safely out of view I let myself smile.

Chapter Text

(From now most chapters will be third person unless said otherwise, also self-harm warning)

Connor stormed out of the office eighth period mumbling a stream of profanities. He pushes past groups of kids, all of which flinched away from him until he reached the bathroom, there were a couple of freshman laughing into the mirror but once they caught sight of Him they fled quickly. He knew they would warn the other kids to keep their distance, but just to be safe he locked the door. Opening his backpack he pulled out the small wooden box he made in woodshop five years ago. It was full of different blades and razors, picking out a scalpel he took from his dad’s tool box a few months ago. He started to mutter as he always did when he did this.

“For the stupid counselors,”

Slash

“For all the freshman who stare at me like I’m some kind of monster,”

Slash

“For this stupid school,”

Slash

“And for goddamn Evan Hansen.”

Slash,

Slash,

Slash.

He went to the sink and washed off the blade putting it back into the box and ran the water down his forearm.

There was nothing wrong with Evan Hansen, it’s what was so damn right about him. How he stuttered so endearingly, how once the weather got warm his face blossomed with freckles, how his eyelashes perfectly outlined his blueish gray eyes, and how he made Connor question everything he had been raised to believe about his sexuality. And Connor hated that, and he hated that he was so mean to him, but he couldn’t help it, he just didn’t know how to handle his feelings, so everyday he made Evan’s life a living hell. And now in less than an hour he was gonna have to talk to him.

---

Evan started to sweat as he made his way to the library, Connor pushed Evan to the ground earlier today reminding him of their first ever encounter in second grade. (I totally stole this next concept from Shane Dawson's book. Sorry not sorry) Evan remembered the first day of second grade when he tried to talk to Zoe Murphy in the hallway, she was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen, she had brown hair with a blonde ombre and had the most beautiful green eyes with flecks of orange and freckles scattered her face, Evan at only seven years old thought he was in love. He straightened out his dark green polo shirt and smoothed down his hair and started towards her. But before he could even get a word out he was on the ground.

“Stay away from my sister, loser.”

And then Evan looked up and saw the most beautiful boy he had ever seen, equally as beautiful as the girl, Evan didn’t understand what was going on, suddenly he had feelings for a boy and a girl at the same time and he didn’t know what to do.

“Did I stutter, freak?”

Thinking back on it now there was probably some internal issue going on since Evan had feelings for a boy who just verbally abused him, but whatever

Evan snapped back to reality as he bumped into the glass door to the library. He blushed profusely and hoped no one saw. He opened the door quickly and smiles at the librarian who smiles sympathetically at him and points him towards the back door that’s propped open a little bit by a door stop, Evan shivered as he neared the door, why would Connor want to meet him in the back of the school, there were a few picnic tables he guessed. Evan started to hyperventilate, Connor wanted them to be alone, without any supervision. Evan opened the door and saw Connor Murphy sitting under a tree, his knees were scrunched up and a sketchbook was on top of his knees. A pencil in one hand, a cigarette in the other.

Chapter Text

(Banter between the boys <3)

Evan stood silently and watched him, not sure what to do. He started to twist at the hem of his shirt. He didn’t know it but Connor had seen him the moment he opened the door.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Connor called across the yard.

Evan’s face turned red as he walked slowly over to where the older boy was sitting against the trees. Evan cautiously sat down next to him and started rolling a leaf that had fallen between his fingers. Connor continued to drag the pencil slowly across paper adding streaks every now and then.

“So how did you try to do it?” Connor said after what felt like an eternity. Evan fidgeted for a few seconds,

“I jumped, out of a, um, a tree?” Evan said it more like a question. Connor nodded and Evan waited, after a few agonizingly silent minutes before speaking again, “What about you?”

“Hanging.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, but, why didn’t it work?” Evan leaned away as he was asking this, almost afraid that Connor might hurt him. But Connor laughed when he did this and pulled the cigarette out of his mouth and put it out in the grass.

“You’re acting like I’m about to attack you, for god’s sake.” He used his now free hand to smudge certain parts of his drawing, “Besides, there’s no one here so I don’t exactly have to keep up my reputation of a psycho.” Evan almost laughed at this but he knew better, but Connor laughed, “Jesus Christ, you look like a child getting scolded by a parent. You can show human emotion I’m the only one here.” Evan smiled, carefully though.

“So, um, what do you like to do?” Evan sounded like such a dork but he just didn’t want it to be silent. But Connor found it amusing.

“Well, I guess the obvious is draw, but I guess I like to sing, alone, and if you tell anyone I’ll bash your face in.” He looked up from his sketchbook and flashed Evan a toothy smile, and suddenly Evan started to blush, goddamnit, this couldn’t be happening again. “What about you?” he said returning his attention to the drawing.

“Um, I really like trees I guess,” Connor snickered and Evan smiled. “And I really like to listen to music, but mostly, like, show tune-”

“What’s your favorite show!” Connor blurted out, looked genuinely excited, Evan thought he was mocking him but he noticed the bracelets that Connor was wearing, there was one for Wicked, Les Mis and a few other shows.

“Umm, probably Heathers, I like it cause’ of the dark humor and how they can speak so lightheartedly about dark subjects.” Evan started to pick at his cast, he’d never talked about his love for musicals with anyone before and here he was telling Connor freaking Murphy.

“I love Heather's, Lifeboat, it’s such a good song I sing it non-stop, speaking of that, I sing Non-Stop all the time.” Connor smiled down at his drawing. For some reason Evan couldn’t imagine Connor singing showtunes but the thought made him happy. “Have heard Be More Chill yet?” Evan shook his head and Connor got his phone out and started on a song called More Than Survive. “Trust me, you’ll love it.”

They listened and laughed and Evan could have sworn that Connor was singing along. Evan had laid down in the grass, looking up at the sky. Evan hadn’t even realized it was over until Connor was standing up, “It’s a lot later than I expected I gotta get home, but I guess I’ll see you again tomorrow, same time?” Evan nodded, getting up and brushing leaves and grass off of him. But before Connor walked back to the front of the school he ripped the page from his book, blushing he quickly shoved it into Evan and jogged away. Evan lifted it up and read it.

“Sorry I pushed you -Connor”

Evan gasped as he saw the drawing, it was amazing, a spitting image, not a hair out of place.

It was Evan, holding a leaf between his fingers.

Chapter Text

What the hell was going on with Connor Murphy. Connor Murphy was supposed to be emotionless, yet here he was, having some very strong, and very gay thoughts about Evan Hansen. So why was he here, perched on the tree outside his window, they had only been meeting with each other for a few weeks now and Connor had hoped that if they actually started talking all of his feelings would pass and he would realize all of Evan’s flaws but instead he just liked him far more. Why was he here, in the middle of the night you may ask?

Well that’s simple, he liked to watch Evan sleep.

It seems weird but he’ll swear it isn’t.

He just, wants to make sure he’s safe.

Connor was lost in thought so he didn’t notice when Evan silently opened his window and snuck out onto a branch, unaware of Connor’s presence and Connor unaware of his until Evan sobbed. Connor wanted to reach out to him, to hold him and tell him it would get better but how would he explain why he was here. Evan got his phone out and Connor did his best not to move at all. But suddenly his phone started ringing, Evan turned quickly, his face damp with tears, and then he fell.

“Evan!” Connor reached down and grabbed Evan’s good hand before he could fall. He carefully pulled him back up to the branch where he had been sitting. Evan took a moment to catch his breath before he started stuttering.

“Connor what the f-, heck are you doing here? I mean… I guess you saved me. But I wouldn’t have fallen if you hadn’t scared me!” Evan’s face turned red and honestly Connor had never seen Evan upset, it made his heart sink too know that he did this to him.

“Evan I’m so sorry i jus-”

“I don’t want an explanation.” Evan sighed, pushing his messy brown hair out of his eyes.

They sat in silence until Connor noticed that Evan was crying again.

“Hey,” Connor reached over and placed a hand on Evan’s arm, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just,” Evan paused for a minute before closing his eyes and inhaling deeply, “My dad just called and apparently he’s bringing my little sister up to meet me and I just don’t think I can handle it, all it is is another reminder that I’m the screw up child and this one is perfect.” Evan’s voice cracked on the last word and he let out a sob. “Sometimes, I just, wish I was something better, something better than these broken parts.”

Connor reached across the branches and placed his hand on Evan’s face, then he closed the distance between them.

Chapter Text

The only thing that Evan noticed was how chapped and warm the lips that were suddenly against his were.

Evan’s lips were soft and were salty from the tears, and after a few seconds his lips were were hot and even with only the light of the moon Connor could see the younger boys blush and the flustered look in his eyes. When Connor finally pulled away they were both out of breath. Without saying anything Connor jumped down from the tree and started walking back home, a smile playing on the edges of his lips.

Connor on Monday without a hangover, for the first time all year, I guess last night he didn’t have much of a reason to drink. But today was still a good day to ditch so Connor quickly got ready and climbed out his window, sliding down the gutter, he planned on going to a place he’d been working on for a while, but before he did he set an alarm on his phone, he was going back to school at the end of the day.

Connor nervously approached the back of the school building, he started to pull on the hair-tie at his wrist. Evan was sitting underneath the tree where they usually met and was playing with a dandelion.

“Hey.”

Evan looked up and Connor could have sworn that he smiled.

“Look if you don’t want to hang out with me ever again I’d understand but I have something to show you if you-”

“Let’s go.” Evan stood up and smiled. God, how was he being so chill, Evan was freaking out on the inside, everything was going to hell inside his mind, the Jaws theme song was playing in his head.

They started walking through the forest until Connor stopped,

“You painted your nails? Black?”

“Umm, yeah.”

Connor’s face turned red but he was distracted once he realized where they were.

“Don’t freak out.” Connor said placing his hands over Evans eyes, they walked a little bit farther until Connor removed his hands.

It was kind of a mess but it looked sturdy it reminded Evan of Connor.

“Do you like it?” Connor said shakily.

“I, I love it.”

He said, as he gazed upon the tree house with the words “Tree Bros” written across it.