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"Ouuuch." Spider-man moaned as they woke up. They lifted an arm to hold their throbbing head. "What happened - did I get trampled by elephants or what? Geez, ouch." Sighing, they opened their eyes.
"Toto," Spider-man said slowly, a chill running down their spine. They cautiously sat up. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."
They took in the sight of trees - trees, trees, and more trees - as shock swept through them and settled into their bones as numb disbelief.
Everything around them was so colorful. Nothing was in the New York grayscale they were acclimated to. The vegetation was green and the soil was brown and the scattered flowers here and there were reds and oranges and - and -
And Spider-man couldn't see the sky.
They gaped at the pure layer of green as they stared up. The trees seemed to go on for.... forever. The trees never ended, and they couldn't see the sky. It was the most un-New York Spider-man had ever seen, and they didn't know how they got here. Wherever here even was.
"What happened to me?" Spider-man whispered, panic rippling through their detachment from earlier.
"I happened to you." A voice said calmly, and Spider-man scrambled to their feet hastily.
"Wh - what?" Spider-man asked, sounding more unsteady than they had intended, as they faced the direction the voice was coming from.
"I am called..." Someone emerged from the shadows of a tree thirty yards away and Spider-man's eyes were drawn immediately to the person that they hadn't realized had been there, watching them. "Kraven the Hunter. And I have waited a long time to meet you."
Spider-man nodded slowly. "It's... nice to meet you." They offered, warily. "But why am I...here?"
Kraven tittered. "Oh, Spider-man, you may live in a 'concrete jungle,' but I wouldn't be able to bear it if we did this there."
"Did what where?" Spider-man asked, nervously.
"I am going to kill you." Kraven said dispassionately yet pleasantly polite, like someone might say, 'check please' to a waiter.
"Ohhh," They took a step back, laughing nervously. "Are you?"
"But, like all sports, there must be some balance." Kraven mused. "So - " He gestured to the distance that laid between them. "Here we are."
Spider-man said nothing.
Kraven smiled. "After all, I wouldn't want The Hunt to be over too quickly, not after going through so much work to simply obtain you in the first place." Kraven shook his head, amused. "But it will have all been worth it, I'm sure. The pleasure I shall find when chasing you down and finally capturing you once and for all, silencing your final breath?" Kraven inhaled deeply. "It shall be beautiful."
Spider-man tried to look subtly around their surroundings to find a way out of this.
"So run, little spider." Kraven chuckled, head thrown back as he began to full on laugh darkly. "Run for your life. Run so I may catch you."
"Didn't I read this story in English class?" Spider-man asked, voice too frantic to come across as the witty bravado they were going for.
Kraven smirked, and took a calm step forward, unslinging a gun from the holster strung across his bare chest with a casual ease.
Spider-man scrambled to dart backwards, aiming quickly at a tree and shooting two strand of webs at it - one from each wrist. They yanked furiously on the lines and catapulted themself into the air, desperately trying to gain speed and get away.
"I won't warn you again. I said to run." Kraven reminded them, and Spider-man cried out in pain as a bullet skimmed their arm.
Kraven laughed.
The loud, darkly delighted sound echoed in their ears as they had difficulty swinging away due to the of density of the lush tree foliage, blocking escape paths from extending too far.
After a minute, Spider-man dropped to the ground and ran.
______________________________________
The distant sound of footsteps started quickly began making its way through the trees that Spider-man crashed through frantically.
Suddenly, their Spidey Sense went on alert and a bullet sailed through the air, whizzing just under their elbow, another above their shoulder as they dodged that one.
Spider-man dove to the ground.
They crawled quickly amongst the leaves and branches to hide behind the trunk of the nearest tree and leaned against it, chest heaving as the realization sank in that this was really happening to them.
They had woken up in New York and were now - they didn't even know. They didn't know where they were, or who knew they were missing.
Spider-man paused.
If they died, they didn't know if anyone would even find their body.
Or - worse - if Kraven would find it. And keep it.
Their Spidey Sense jolted to life, and a bullet lodged itself in the bark above their head.
"That," Kraven said amiably, emerging from around the corner only a few feet away and on foot, "Was a warning shot. I want you to know what's coming. I admit, however, I am disappointed. This was too easy. I expected more of a challenge."
"Then let me go." They pleaded, heart hammering as they realized that yet again Krazen was - in his sick way - toying with them.
Kraven laughed. "And forfeit my prize?" He aimed his gun with a steady hand.
Spider-man inhaled sharply.
And that's when the other red spandex clad person made their presence known.
_____________________________________
"Hey, assface! Yeah, you, you ugly son of a bitch!" The newcomer yelled, waving their arms in the air wildly, hands both with middle finger raised. "Cash me outside, how 'bout dat? Suck my entire ass, assface!"
For a moment, Spider-man and Kraven both just stared.
"Uhhh." Spider-man scratched the smooth curve of their masked head. "Are they talking to you?"
Kraven seemed like he was in physical pain. "I was hoping," He admitted with a grimace, "That he was talking to you."
"Huh." Spider-man said noncommittally, the utter surrealness of the day only increasing.
Kraven sighed. "I'll deal with you later." He said with a nod to Spider-man. He shouldered his weapon and began casually walking to the newcomer.
Not to look a gift horse in the teeth, Spider-man immediately ran to duck behind a tree further away for cover while they tried to think of a strategy. They peered around the bark, trying to determine if red-suit was friend or foe. If they needed saving or if Spider-man needed saving from them.
"About time!" Red suit laughed as Kraven faces them. "Go against someone your own size! Everyone knows Spider-man doesn't have these guns!" Red arms flexed, carefree, as Kraven eyed the situation, a touch curious but mostly just full of disdain.
"So, Spider-man, this is your friend." He mused, and lifted his gun to line up a shot. "Well." He smirked, and Spider-man's heart thudded in alarm. "Farewell, then."
And he let off a round of shots.
The man immediately fell back against a tree.
Spider-man closed their eyes.
Kraven tsked. "How...disappointing."
"I'll say," The person groaned. "This is my last suit. You break it, you buy it. Because it's not easy to get replacement suits, especially within a specific time fra- "
Kraven released another round of shots.
Spider-man winced.
"Seriously?" The newcomer asked, sounding more upset than pained. "I was just in the middle of telling you how much I hate having to buy replacements for the the suit, and you shoot me again?"
Spider-man opened their eyes.
"How are you still standing?" Kraven snarled, losing his composure for the first time that Spider-man had seen.
The person laughed. "I'm Deadpool," They said cheerfully, like that explained everything. Kraven snarled again.
To Spider-man, that did, maybe, explain some things, but not. nearly enough.
Spider-man peered around the tree and - without thinking too badly about how it was a terrible idea - they shot a strand of web that attached to Kraven's gun and yanked it away from him.
"Yooooooooo!" Deadpool cheered, as Kraven swiveled around and gave Spider-man a brief glare that promised doom and destruction before sprinting over to one of the trees.
Spider-man thwipped to hide a slightly - but barely - further away tree, heart pounding, as they leaned behind the safety of the bark once more.
Kraven yanked open a hidden compartment that was inside of the tree and pulled out a walkie talkie. He spoke angrily into it. "Send in the reinforcements. Now."
"You had henchmen waiting on hand just in case?" Spider-man gasped and placed a hand over their heart. "That's cheating, you know!" They couldn't resist and lifted their hand to waggle a finger in disappointment at him. Their newfound bravery mostly stemmed from not being alone anymore with this maniac. It felt good to be able to resume their usual method of bravado: quips.
Kraven snarled, clearly not as much of a fan of the quips as Spider-man was.
A plethora of men dressed in black swarmed behind Kraven.
"Oh." Spider-man said, heart falling. "Well then."
"Don't worry," Deadpool assured them. "I got this."
He switched his gun to his left hand in an easy grip and with his right hand, he pulled out another one from his - Spider-man stared - from his, uh, leather leg garter. Holster.
"Let's dance, bitches." Deadpool said and then winced. "It wasn't that cliche, no, c'mon, cut me some clack. Do you think he thought it was uncool?" He stood there, head cocked slightly as if listening, even as some of the men began to charge towards him. "Well, I can't help that now. Ugh." He groaned and let off a stream of bullets that seemed unconcerned. Two of the men fell. "You guys are useless. You should have said that earlier!" He swiveled lazily, aiming with precise movements even as he was clearly half distracted.
Spider-man shot out a stream of web and tripped a row of men before using their web to grab their weapons from a couple of them.
"Do you have to kill them?" They asked Deadpool uneasily as a few more of them fell in a bloody heap.
Deadpool paused to turn and frown at them, mask creasing, as he put his hands on his hips. Spider-man let out a cry of alarm as he was about to be shot, but Deadpool didn't react to the warning; his body just flinched with the bullet's impact as it tore through him and ripped through flesh. "Ex-cuse me, Spider-man, but these guys aren't exactly kittens stuck in trees,
you know."
"I do realize that!"
Deadpool sighed, loudly and obviously annoyed. The only reaction he gave even though several bullets tore through his head at that moment and made him stumble unsteadily. "Listen, you can wait for someone else to save your lovely ass, but for now, I'm all you've got. And I'm doin' it my way. Capiche?"
"Don't just stand there!" Spider-man cried out, horrified.
"Capiche?"
"Yes! Capiche! Just! Move!"
Deadpool turned and shot down eight more men in one easy swoop.
He turned proudly to Spider-man. "That was sick. Did you see that, Spider-man?"
"Oh my God." Spider-man whispered and tried not to vomit. That was always an unpleasant experience made even more unpleasant when masked.
"Yippee ki yay, motherfuckers!" Deadpool cackled.
Spider-man took a steadying breath.
They cautiously and quickly tried to close some of the distance between them and their mysterious... benefactor? Assister? Superhero? Fellow lover of Die Hard?
Meanwhile, Deadpool skillfully - and gleefully - disposed of the threats that surrounded them.
Finally Spider-man was behind the same tree as Deadpool. They turned to him to discuss a plan of escape - and froze.
"Ohhh no." Spider-man breathed; they were both disgusted and transfixed by the morbid sight, unable to look away.
"Hmm?" Deadpool turned his head to look at them curiously. "What is it?"
"'What is -' Your inner organs are on the outside of your body! How are you so calm right now?"
Deadpool shrugged, heedless of the way it made his wound jiggle out more of the fleshy...tube shaped...things that were probably intestines, oh God.
"It's fiiiiiine." He said easily, completely unconcerned, turning once more to focus on shooting.
Spider-man recalled vaguely that maybe someone had mentioned that Deadpool had a healing factor. But still...
There were probably three things about him that they had offhandedly learned in the few months of knowing about Deadpool's existence. The rumors that they've heard about Deadpool were that: he was a pain to work with, he had a healing factor, he didn't have a problem with killing people, and he wasn't always talking to you because he often talked to himself.
And while Spider-man had assumed that a healing factor was a healing factor was a factor...that was clearly not the case if Deadpool could be so blasé about something so severe.
"Ugh, I'm - "
Spider-man turned when Deadpool spoke.
Deadpool ripped at the remains of his mask. It stuck to him in some areas, and he had to peel it off roughly and jarringly. It made a grotesque squelch, as it finally stripped away both mask and flesh, and Spider-man gagged.
Spider-man had never seen Deadpool unmasked before. Somehow, if they had ever once imagined the situation, it wouldn't have been like this. With Deadpool frowning down at the mask in his hand, blood pouring down the front of his face and obstructing most of his features except for the giant gaping chunk out of his forehead and cheek.
"Oh my God." Spider-man whispered, trying not to be sick as they realized how badly Deadpool was wounded.
"I hate it when that happens." Deadpool said, a pout on his mouth, instead of pained shouting and cursing. "I start choking on the blood." Deadpool complained. "Don't you hate it went the blood wells up like that instead of wicking away?"
Spider-man slowly exhaled. "Yep." They said, voice a touch too high, stomach turbulent.
Deadpool grinned, and it was dizzying - and oddly unnerving - to have the ability to see his bloody teeth that were usually hidden.
There was a pause in the onslaught of bullets.
Spider-man immediately made up their mind. "Hold on." They said, and grabbed Deadpool gently to lift him bridal style, who gasped. "I'm getting us out of here."
"I'm gonna die of sheer joy." Deadpool whispered, and he closed his eyes. He softly laid his bleeding head on their shoulder.
"Do not die!" Spider-man said in alarm. "That's not allowed!"
Deadpool snorted, his breath an uncomfortable heat even through Spider-man's layer of clothing, his blood distinctly wet against it. "I know. He's just darling, isn't he?" He finally then wrapped both arms around them and held on.
Spider-man secured their grip on him to just one hand and began to creep away from their hiding place.
"Here goes nothing," They muttered. And then shot a strand of web at the high canopies of the tree tops.
They began running, trying to gain momentum they usually achieved only while air bound, and shot another strand of web.
Their feet lifted from the ground slightly.
They hurriedly sought to maintain that and once again shot another twip of web, letting go of Deadpool - trusting him to hold on - and pulling at the strand hard. They heaved themself upwards on it, trying to gain velocity and altitude.
Kraven - the only one left - began shooting again at the tree they had been hiding behind. A crack sounded as part of the wood splintered.
Spider-man shot another strand of web and then they were managing to swing. It was a swing. The momentum was finally there, even though they had started from the forest floor and had little area to work with. Spider-man grinned and kept swinging.
"You think you can get away?" Kraven yelled, furious, as he must have finally caught sight of what was happening, must have realized that they had attempted to leave and weren't behind the tree anymore. Deadpool perked up so abruptly that it threw off the hard earned momentum and sent Spider-man stumbling to realign the swing's path in time to not have a pendulum effect backwards.
"I'll be back." Deadpool yelled out in his (presumably) best Terminator voice.
"Don't tell him that," Spider-man hissed - dodging as Kraven launched a tirade of bullets in their direction - and trying to hold on to Deadpool as he wiggled around to blow raspberries down below to the fuming hunter.
"Oh, God, we're both going to die." Spider-man muttered, balanced with a tight grip on the strand they held with one hand and quickly thwipped to shoot a beam of web at Kraven with the other hand.
"HOOOOOOOO!" Deadpool hollered, limbs splaying wildly in all directions as he bucked with joy, and all Spider-man could do was try to hold on. It felt like they imaged that someone losing terribly to a mechanical bull would feel.
"Let's....get out of here." They said to themself, and began to resume their exit via swinging from the tree tops. It was surprisingly less Tarzan feeling than they would have expected, but maybe that had more to do with the way they had to dodge Deadpool's flying elbows as he flipped Kraven off and hooted.
Even as Kraven led a fierce pursuit and was catching up to them despite all efforts on Spider-man's part to evade the hunter, Deadpool did not shut up.
Kraven fired off the turret gun - and where the heck even had he been keeping that? another false tree? - and Deadpool jerked in Spider-man's arms several times as he was hit.
Spider-man grit their teeth and tried to find somewhere to get out of this. Shelter or something. The two of them couldn't last much longer like this.
"Yo mama's so ugly," Deadpool shouted, like a thirteen year old who thought that those jokes were the cusp of humor and not someone shot several times and whose internal organs were spilling out of his body, "That when she fell out of the ugly tree, she climbed back up and fell down and hit all the ugly branches all over again."
Spider-man let out a cry as a javelin - a javelin of all things - skimmed their shoulder.
"Hey, puke face!" Deadpool bellowed. "Shit breath!" He was heedless of the way Spider-man grunted as his arm knocked into their grazed shoulder as he gestured. "The Iron Man porn star convention is thatta way! You and your bad facial hair should be heading a-thatta way!"
Deadpool cackled. Then he said at a normal volume, "Oh, man, that's a good one, I should have said that. Next time, I promise." He raised his voice once more, "You smell like the back end of a cow pie! Take a shower! Ya damn hippie! Yes, it does too make sense!" He whined that last sentence.
Finally Spider-man couldn't take it any more. In between a bought of dodging bullet barrages, they incredulously asked, "Is now really the best time for - this?"
Deadpool turned to look at them innocently. "Uhhhh. Is what a what time - okay I wasn't listening. Pretty boy with the thick thighs say again?"
Spider-man resolutely - with sheer benevolent willpower - did not strangle him with said thighs, however tempting it may have been.
"Oh, hey," Deadpool said, and Spider-man snapped.
"I'm trying to save our lives! So if you don't mind! Shut up!"
Deadpool's jaw dropped.
Spider-man nodded, satisfied, and turned back to fully focus on the task at hand.
And that's when they ran out of forest to swing from.
"Ah poop." Spider-man softly said.
____________________________________
"Holy shiiiiiiiiiiit! Deadpool yelled, arms tightening around Spider-man's neck in a chokehold.
The wind rushed all around them as they fell over the cliff's edge.
Spider-man tried to take a breath - and couldn't - and raised their arms to try and shoot their web at something to stop their fall. Or at least slow them down.
Their webs slid uselessly off of the cliff's edge, crumbling away as the dirt was pulled loose.
They grit their teeth.
Deadpool screamed in their ear. "Motherfucker, doooo somethiiiiiiing!"
Spider-man shot their webs at a branch sticking out of the cliffside and they both jerked roughly and their momentum was intercepted roughly. Deadpool's arms loosened, and Spider-man inhaled, gasping.
"That wasn't so bad." Deadpool said, laughing.
The branch broke off and they continued falling.
"Myyyyy baaaaaad!" Deadpool shouted. "IIIIIIIIII jinxed ittttttt!"
Spider-man frantically scanned the cliff's surface for more branches and didn't find any.
They closed their eyes.
Their body jerked roughly, and their descent stopped.
Spider-man's eyes flew open.
Deadpool had one arm removed from around their neck and held a grappling hook.
"That's right." Deadpool preened. "I've got you, sweet thing. Feel free to kiss me." He pursed his lips in a blood stained kissy face.
Spider-man rolled their eyes, their heart still pounding in fear.
Five minutes later, they both landed safe and sound on the ground.
"Mother Hubbard." Spider-man muttered, relieved. "Thank goodness."
"Whoa." Deadpool said, looking at the vast expanse of - well. "Don't that beat all."
Spider-man stared.
They weren't just stuck at the bottom of cliff. They were stuck at the bottom of a rocky valley that went on for miles.
____________________________________
"We should get moving." Spider-man said reluctantly, their entire body aching and sore and their entire being protesting. Especially their arms.
"We should climb to the top." Deadpool speculated somberly, staring at the cliffs with an intense focus that Spider-man had never seen from him before.
So Spider-man turned and also eyed the rocky cliffs, which seemed to go on for eternity. The cliffs sure didn't seem that endlessly looming when Spider-man had been swinging them both down into the valley. It had seemed way, way too short at that time when they had thought they were going to die.
(...Was it even a valley? Okay, then, a mostly dried up riverbed that was now full of large rocks. That was in a valley.)
Whatever this was, in any case, the cliffs did not seem like they would be a fun climb, and that was with the ability to literally crawl up them. They didn't even want to think about how to get the severely injured Deadpool up the rocky cliffscape. They'd probably have to carry him, ugh and, nope, Spider-man wasn't thinking about it anymore.
"It doesn't seems like the best plan of action." Spider-man replied diplomatically.
"Awwww," Deadpool pouted. "But there's two of us. One of us could push the other one off and say 'long live the king'."
Spider-man closed their eyes.
"Deadpool," They said calmly.
"Yeah?"
"We are not making any strategic decisions based off of your impulse to reenact Disney movies."
Deadpool raised one arm high in the air and waved it.
"Or any movie." They hastily added.
Deadpool lowered his arm.
"Spoilsport." He grumbled.
Ignoring him - like the mature hero they were - Spider-man began walking. But, dear God, they kind of wanted to scream and cry at the same time because their only known ally for miles was someone who wanted to reenact the death scene from The Lion King.
"He is, he is!" Deadpool giggled, and then his hand flew up to cover his maskless mouth. "Shhh, don't be rude, you guys, he's still Spider-man." The utter adoration in the last word was obvious, even as he continued to laughingly comment in various ways about how much Spider-man was a party pooper.
"Aaaand we're walking. This way." Spider-man announced, having decided for the both of them.
Deadpool trailed after, still amusing himself.
He let out another round of barely smothered giggles.
Okay, Spider-man amended silently, Still thoroughly amusing himself.
___________________________________
"So where do you think we are?" Spider-man asked, hours later, to break the silence that had lasted for the last half hour.
They were still walking. Their feet hurt. And they were kind of hungry, kind of nauseous. But mostly they were bored and looking to distract themself from the monotony of walking and walking and walking.
Deadpool merely shrugged.
"I know that all the, well, vegetation earlier indicates somewhere tropical." They continued on. "I'm not too sure on the nuances or differences between them - but I think we're either in a jungle or a rainforest."
"Mmm." It was, oddly, the least opinionated they had seen him so far. Or perhaps it wasn't so odd, considering the subject matter was a bit....dull in comparison to what Deadpool probably preferred.
"The only question," Spider-man said, brow furrowed under their mask. "Is where are we?" They paused. "Geography isn't my strong suit, but I think that there's jungles in India. The non-desert parts of Africa, maybe. South America - maybe even Central America." They sighed. "We could really be anywhere."
"Anywhere." Deadpool agreed, nodding quickly. "Sure."
The odd lack of a rambunctious response maybe should have been worrying, considering Deadpool had spent the last three hours having lively arguments with himself - before falling strangely quiet.
But Spider-man was tired and injured - and Deadpool was very injured, so it wasn't too bizarre that he'd burn out of energy eventually.
______________________________________
"Oh thank goodness," Spider-man breathed as they spotted a cave along the wall of rock in the distance. "C'mon," They urged. "We just have to make it there and then we can sleep."
_____________________________________
Spider-man stood in front of the cave, trying not to cry.
"Ugh," Deadpool groaned. "Let's keep moving then."
"No." Spider-man immediately said. They stared at the higher up than previously assumed cave entrance that was mostly burrowed under a pile of rocks. From far away, it had been shadowed and had looked like the hole was larger than it was - was lower than it was - but the actuality of it was heartbreaking. The small, high up hole seemed to mock them. "Maybe we can crawl in."
Deadpool made a skeptical noise.
"Okay, well then, maybe we can make the opening big enough to crawl in."
Deadpool groaned. "That sounds like so much work though."
"We need shelter." Spider-man pointed out. "It's getting dark, and we don't know where Kraven is. He could be anywhere. Getting out of sight is top priority. Not to mention, we don't know what other predators there are around here."
"I can take 'em." Deadpool grumbled quietly.
Spider-man kindly didn't point out that he looked mostly dead. Instead they simply pried one of the rocks loose and set it down. "We need to conserve ammunition." They said instead. They grabbed hold of another rock and began tugging at it.
Deadpool nodded. "Ffffiiiiine. Let's get this show in the road then. Speed it up a bit."
And then he began taking steps backwards.
The rock Spider-man was pulling shifted.
And then Deadpool began to run forward.
"Wait, don't - " They tried to warn, right as Deadpool rammed full force into the bouldery surface with the side of his body and, for all the effort, didn't even budge it.
"Mother Hubbard!" Deadpool yelled, collapsing to his knees.
Spider-man rushed to him and then awkwardly stood before him, hands outstretched but afraid to touch. "Are you o- did you just say 'Mother Hubbard'?" Spider-man asked, their entire world feeling like it was tilting on an axis.
"Really?" Deadpool asked, gesturing to himself in a wide circle. "I'm in distress here, and you're asking me questions?"
"Right. Sorry." Spider-man winced.
"I need a doctor. And a fainting couch." Deadpool declared. "Somebody get me a priest." He closed his eyes and mournfully said, "Somebody call Oprah."
"You're gonna be just fine." Spider-man said uselessly, even thought they weren't even sure what was wrong, exactly, or why Deadpool thought Oprah would help him. "I'll - I'll just get the cave going, and you can lay down and get some sleep. And come morning, everything will be peachy keen." Spider-man began hurriedly yanking at the pile of rocks to dislodge them so as they could uncover the cave's entrance.
"See?" Spider-man said, four rocks later and a couple hundred more to go. "We'll be in there licketty split."
Deadpool groaned, then slammed a fist against his thigh agitatedly as he yelled, "Oh my god, my SHOULDER! OUCH, something is seriously wrong, oh my God, ouch!"
Spider-man gaped at him, frozen, and couldn't get their hands to move as they stared in disbelief. "Your entire body has been a serious case of Swiss cheese, and right now you're complaining about your shoulder?"
Deadpool just let out another groan, a long and wounded sound.
"What the heck." Spider-man whispered. They shook their head and slowly looked back at the rubble still held in their grasp. They mechanically began to recommence their previous action - of clearing the entrance of the cave - in jointed, robotic movements. "What," Spider-man muttered as they did so, "The actual heck is with that guy?"
Deadpool stood to his feet and began walking away. Shocked, Spider-man dropped their handful of rocks.
"Hey!" They yelped, scrambling unsteadily over the terrain to trail after him. "Where do you think you're going?"
"I need my therapist."
"Your - " Spider-man nearly twisted their ankle as tripped. "You need to see your therapist? You need to see your therapist right now?"
Deadpool turned a bloody and grisly, half caved in head towards them in a brief look of confusion. "That's what I said."
"Your therapist." Spider-man repeated, much more shrilly, as they finally caught up to Deadpool.
"Okay, what the fuck, do you have a problem with me having a therapist?" Deadpool asked, sounding taken off guard but still extremely ready to duke it out anyways.
"What? No!" Spider-man took a step away from Deadpool's heavy scowl. "I just think your priorities are super weird because - sorry, I didn't mean weird - "
"Yeah you did." Deadpool sneered.
" - first of all, I just thought you would like to see, like, a surgeon? Before a therapist? In order of importance?" They finished, figuring it would be better to finish the sentence as if he hadn't interrupted. They didn't even get to their second point.
Deadpool blinked and then laughed, ribcage shaking exuberantly enough that he had to place one hand to steady his actual organs from falling out. "Oh, what, did you think I meant a shrink?" Deadpool snickered.
Spider-man felt overwhelmingly stupid and unsure of how to reply, and they felt ridiculous for feeling that way because Deadpool was the one who was being absurd here.
"I don't have a therapist," Deadpool continued in amusement. "I have a PT. Imagine me lying on a couch and some shrink asking me how stuff makes me feel." He shook his head and let out a gleeful puff of air.
"A...PT?" Spider-man asked, deigning to ignore the rest of that.
Deadpool looked over to them curiously. "Yeah. PT. Physical Therapist?"
Spider-man stared at him blankly, just taking in and trying to register the sight of Deadpool: holding in his own organs loosely with one hand, his blood covered face that was literally missing some - some quadrants of his head, his shredded and still bleeding skin, the gaping holes that showed the innards of his body more like some sort of grotesque science mannequin that displayed skeletons and muscles and tissue than a human body.
"And you think...." Spider-man paused, unsure of how to phrase it delicately. "You think your physical therapist can help your, uh, condition? It's, uh, sort of extreme, don't you think?"
"My shoulder is definitely fucked up." Deadpool nodded agreeably, like nearly everything else about him wasn't a gazillion times worse.
"Your...shoulder." Spider-man echoed weakly, still in disbelief that he was demanding a physical therapist as opposed to, say, an entire medical staff of emergency doctors.
"I think it's my rotary cuff. Again." Deadpool confided with a heavy sigh. "Definitely just smashed it on that - " He raised his voice, as if the rocks could hear him and take offense, " - motherfucking cave!"
"Yeah....." They agreed, pretending like they remembered what that was. Biology had never been their focus. They held a much strong interest in other branches of science than biology, especially human biology. The only biology that they really had gotten invested into was DNA molecules and chromosomes and, well, spiders and the similarities and differences between spider DNA and human DNA. "Uh huh."
There was a long silence between the two of them as they traveled down the rocky and unstable road, skittering pebbles down in a multitude of tiny rainfalls as they climbed on, around, and over the small boulders that lined their path.
"So, uh, where - where does your PT live?" Spider-man asked, as the sinking realization swept over them that perhaps Deadpool hadn't thought this through. Because that had been Spider-man's second point that they hadn't yet got to before they were interrupted: they weren't exactly near any offices. They were still trapped in a who-knows-where jungle slash rainforest thing-place.
"Brooklyn." He answered and sounded unconcerned about that.
"That's great." Spider-man grumbled to themself. "That's just great. Hey," They raised their voice to try and get his attention, "You do realize that we're in the middle of the jungle, right? And, on top of that, we're probably stuck down in some dried up riverbed valley thing? You have noticed that, right?"
Deadpool shot a withering look at them. "Okay, I know that you think that I'm a moron - "
"I don't think that you're - "
"But I'm not." Deadpool continued firmly. "'Did I notice we're in a jungle?' My shapely ass if I didn't notice that we're in a jungle. What's next? You'll be asking me if I noticed that Captain America's tiddies can make bald eagles cry."
Spider-man felt simultaneously guilty and exhausted. But mostly more exhausted than anything.
"I meant," They said wearily, "That if they're in Brooklyn, and we're here - in the middle of 'Jungle Who Knows Where' - then it might be a tad bit difficult to walk to Brooklyn."
Deadpool slapped a hand to his forehead. "Oh em gee, I don't think I told him. Wouldn't that be hilarious, though? I can't say that, pfffft."
"What didn't you tell me?" Spider-man asked, almost dreading to do so but also knowing better than to not ask.
"The ship!" He crowed excitedly, gesturing with both hands in the direction they both had been heading for ages now. As he did that, what looked to might be an intestine looped out of him in several haling areas, now that he didn't have the pressure of his hand to contain it.
"The ship?" Spider-man asked, feeling queasy and determinedly stared at the rocks underneath their feet instead.
"The shiiiiiip! How do you think I got here! Doy!"
Spider-man's head shot back up and they narrowed their eyes at their companion. "Wait a minute, wait - wait a minute," They said, a wave of disbelief coursing through them. "So you mean to tell me that you weren't kidnapped by Kraven? You chose to come here?"
Deadpool laughed. "Oh man, did I tell him that I was? Oh, I implied it? And he believed it? Ehhh, that sounds more like a lie of omission than - "
Spider-man ground their teeth, trying not to release a small scream of frustration. Still, a soft and upset grunt escaped through their teeth.
"Yeah," Deadpool continued, addressing Spider-man this time. "I totally flew here. My ship's up ahead behind that waterfall over there."
For a moment Spider-man eyed the waterfall - only a few hundred yards away and close to where they had originally started walking from in the rocky valley - and then they closed their eyes and inhaled slowly.
"You had a way out. This whole time." They said slowly, the anger coursing through them so overwhelming that it almost felt like a strange calm.
"Yup!" Deadpool agreed, nodded extremely enthusiastically, and then winced. "Ow, my freakin' shoulder, ow ow."
Spider-man let out a slow breath.
"The sooner we get back to
New York," They stated, and somehow did not finish that sentence with 'the sooner I can strangle you.' "The sooner you can see your physical therapist." They said instead, which was a remarkable show of restraint considering that they had both walked the floor of the valley, injured and hungry and constantly aware that Kraven could find them at any time, and heading in the opposite direction of the ship for two days together when they both could have already left and gone home if Deadpool hadn't lied about Kraven capturing him too.
"Duh." Deadpool scoffed. "Why else do you think I'm heading back towards the ship?" He said that like it was beyond the realm of possibility that he'd be leaving the jungle because: they both didn't live there, there was a scarcity of food in the riverbed they were both trapped in, and - no big deal - a freakin' hunter maniac guy that wanted to kill them both to hang their fleshy pelts for sport. (Well. Presumably. Spider-man hadn't quite stopped to ask for details while in the midst of fleeing for their lives, but they felt like Kraven was exactly the type of maniac to decorate his house with the carcasses of his fallen foes.)
Spider-man just wanted to go home and not have this whole situation not be their problem anymore. Deadpool, obviously, had no such qualms.
"When you say ship..." Spider-man began to ask, thinking it best to ask for clarification before another important detail was left unsaid.
"Ha, it's suh-wee-heet." Deadpool gloated cheerfully. "I stole it from Fury four weeks ago."
A chill washed over their spine at that. And Spider-man didn't know what was more terrifying. That Deadpool had the ability to steal something from S. H. I. E. L. D. or that no one had since recovered it to its rightful owners - especially since it must have a tracking device in it.
"I was thinking about painting it." Deadpool mused. "But I couldn't decide, so I didn't."
"Yeah, that's great," Spider-man said apathetically, and tried again, "So when you say ship - "
"Top of the line hovership. Thingy. Okay, so, I'm just assuming that they call it a hovership, but honestly why wouldn't they?"
Spider-man was relieved. "So it flies then?"
Deadpool scoffed. "Do I order à la carte?"
Spider-man squinted, unsure. "Do you?"
"Sometimes." Deadpool answered.
Great. They thought nervously. Just great
"Are we going to make it there before it's pitch black?" They asked worriedly. "And what about Kraven?"
"Pfffff," Deadpool waved his non-injured hand dismissively. "Everything is going to be fiiiiiiine."
A gunshot sounded, and a bullet lodged itself into Deadpool's neck as Spider-man's Spidey Senses blared belatedly.
"Motherfucker!" Deadpool yelled. "Okay, that one hurt, goddamn!"
"I can't believe I'm literally going to die." Spider-man said, somewhat resigned to the possibility by now.
Another wave of Spidey Sense sounded, and they moved out of the way in time for a bullet to wind up in rock instead of them.
Spider-man began running towards the waterfall.
"Hey, wait for me!" Deadpool yelped.
"Not on my life!"
"Hey, that's funny." Deadpool said, surprised, running after them. "You are funny!"
Spider-man didn't reply, just ran.
"I had heard you were funny, but so far we - Christ on a sandwich, why the hell did he have to get my shoulder?"
"Oh my God, please, please, please let me make it." They whispered to themself, the waterfall seeming way too far away.
There was a far-off grunt.
And then a flash of light pulled along parallel to where they were running.
"Hey, need a lift?" Johnny Storm - the Human Torch - asked, grinning, arms behind his head like he was lounging instead of flying at breakneck speed, on fire. And then he startled. "Spider-man! What are you doing here?!"
Spider-man's laugh was hysterical. "I don't know."
"Well, slow down, and I'll - "
"Can't!"
"Hey kid. We're kinda in the middle of running for our lives here." Deadpool snapped.
Johnny Storm appeared perplexed for a moment before realization struck. "Oh! You're the person Kraven took! Yeah, don't worry about that. He's not a problem anymore."
"What?" Spider-man refused to stop until more concrete evidence was presented.
"Yeah," Johnny said easily. "Reed and Sue - er, that is, Mr. Fantastic and The Invisible Woman - they were tracking this guy for some science thing. Unethical blah blah blah. We were gonna swoop in and quietly handle it in between missions. It wasn't a high priority, you know? Not compared to, like, everything else we deal with. He's no Doom, that's for certain."
"Get to the point." Spider-man hissed.
"Oh! Uh, Reed was monitoring him, noticed he wasn't just smuggling endangered animals anymore. He apparently smuggled someone out of New York." Johnny winced. "Uh. I guess that was you and not some villain like we thought."
"And it took you guys this long to get here?" Deadpool scoffed.
"Hey!" Johnny blustered. "We had to have - proof of wrong doings and stuff that you don't have to worry about because you get paid to kill people."
"You get paid to kill people?" Spider-man shrieked.
"Uhhhhh." Deadpool didn't answer.
Johnny Storm snorted.
"Spider-man," He said grandly. "It would be my honor to rescue you."
The waterfall was still so far away.
Spider-man stopped running.
"Take me back to New York." They agreed.
"Oh, well," Johnny Storm frowned. "There's some paperwork and stuff that's gotta be filled out in the debrief before we - where are you going?" He gaped.
"Home." Spider-man wheezed out, resuming their frantic run towards the ship behind the waterfall.
Deadpool stuck his tongue out at Johnny Storm.
"Spider-man!" Johnny protested. "You can't be serious! Just - stop and think about this for a second! You're tired and hurt; you're not thinking clearly. Home isn't - it isn't that way!"
"Fuck you, Johnny Storm!" Spider-man cried out, the overwhelming day catching up to them.
Deadpool chortled. "Yeah! Fuck you, Johnny Storm!"
Johnny Storm let out an angry wordless yell.
"See if I care!" Johnny snapped, and he flew out of the valley in a blur of heat.
"Oh, God, I'm an idiot." Spider-man realized as they watched him go.
Deadpool frowned. "What happened to 'fuck you, Johnny Storm' though? That was fun!"
Spider-man groaned, closed their eyes for a moment.
And they tripped.
They came crashing down hard on one knee and they tripped, and the shock of it all caused them to bite back tears despite having not cried yet during the entire ordeal and everything was just so -
A throat cleared.
"Whoa." Deadpool breathed.
Mr. Fantastic wound his long, extended limbs closer to the size of a tall human and stood in front of Spider-man patiently.
"Spider-man," Reed Richards said kindly. "Johnny told us that you want to go home."
Spider-man nodded.
Reed smiled. "Well, I think that can be arranged."
Spider-man almost started crying - again - but this time out of sheer joy.
"Dr. Richards, I don't know what to say," They sniffed. "Thank you so much."
He held out a hand. "It's no problem, Spider-man."
They took Reed's hand and allowed him to help them to their feet. It felt vaguely like a dream. The most wonderful of dreams.
"And what about you, Deadpool?" He asked, and Spider-man startled. "Do you need a lift back to America?"
Deadpool waved his hand. "I'm fine. I've gotta ride."
"Well, then, come along, Spider-man." Reed Richards said. "If you climb on to my back, I'll get us both out of this riverbed in a jiffy."
Spider-man took a step forward but then hesitated. They turned to look at Deadpool.
"Thank you." They said quietly. "You saved my life today. Without you, I wouldn't have - I wouldn't - "
Deadpool grinned, teeth still blood stained and face still horribly bullet marked and missing chunks. "See you back home in New York sometime, Spidey."
They nodded. "See you."
Then they climbed up on Reed Richard's back gingerly.
"Hold on." He advised calmly.
Spider-man held on.
After all, by now, holding on was pretty much what they were used to doing.