Work Text:
Cover Illustration: “The Fearsome Godzilla” by Illuminescent
“Nature has an order, a power to restore balance. I believe… he is that power.”
— Dr. Ishiro Serizawa, Godzilla (2014)
Pre-Mission
*SKREEEEEEEOOOOOONK!!!*
“OH, FOR PETE’S SAKE!”
Sarah’s indignant shout startled both of her partners, but luckily it didn’t disturb their enjoyment of the movie too much. Maybe it was because the first reveal of a certain atomic reptile had been followed up by a much less interesting scene elsewhere, which was less likely to have been missed.
It had been Lapis’ idea for the agents of RC #333 to watch the 2014 Godzilla movie, which the blue-haired Pokémon trainer had thought of as the perfect reintroduction of the fifty-plus-year-old franchise to a modern audience. Cupid had been the one to ask about who Godzilla was in the first place, upon which Lapis had launched into an enthusiastic lecture about how the King of the Monsters was more than just a mutant lizard, but also a metaphor for the horrors of nuclear warfare and the error of humanity’s militaristic ways — and also that, like Godzilla, the human race could do better to coexist with the world around it. She had even topped off her monologue with a lyric from Blue Oyster Cult: “History shows, again and again, how nature points out the folly of men.”
While Cupid had eagerly listened to his ex-Suvian partner fangirling over Godzilla’s progression as a character, however, Sarah was a different story. She’d wanted ninety minutes of giant monster action like in Pacific Rim , not a family drama that seemed more akin to a disaster flick.
“Sarah! Don’t do that!” Lapis hissed in annoyance at her partner’s exclamation.
“Sorry,” the Super replied sheepishly. “It’s just that, well… They build up a big reveal for Godzilla, prepare for an epic fight with the M.U.T.O., and hell, they even do the roar… and then they cut to a different scene?! Really?! ”
“But they’ve focused on the people up to this point,” Cupid commented. “Why should they spoil us now? They’re probably saving up for some grand finale by demonstrating how hopeless the military is against the M.U.T.O.s, and maybe the Big G’s gonna be the only option they have left!”
“You’re absolutely correct,” Lapis said smugly. “Like the previous Godzilla films, this one takes the classic theme of people overcoming everything through sheer firepower and turns it on its head. We can’t truly solve our problems by blowing them up, but if we try to coexist with the world around them and let nature run its course, then these problems will pretty much take care of themselves!”
“Since when have you been obsessed with these kinds of movies, anyway?” Sarah asked in a bored voice. “Did you say it was a trait of your author?”
“ Our author, Sarah,” the ex-Sue corrected her, earning a confused glance from Cupid. “And yes, he’s loved the Godzilla franchise since he was little, and he’s tried to contribute to the daikaiju fandom for years. I say ‘tried’ because he’s run into problems with said fandom before, due to thinking that he could make a name for himself while mistreating a lot of respectable people and failing to back up his credibility. Not to diss him or anything, but I’d honestly compare that to trying to defeat Godzilla with nothing but a pointy stick.”
“And it must’ve ended just as well, I take it,” Sarah grumbled. “From what Adam told me when I first joined, that was the exact same mindset that led to my homefic going over like a lead balloon.”
“You can make a working lead balloon if you make thin sheets of the metal,” Cupid noted.
“That was just an expression, you dolt!” the Super scoffed at him.
“Hey, now, let’s not get into the ugly details of that particular period,” Lapis cut in. “What’s done is done, and we’re here now. Let’s just enjoy the show!”
“I still think Pacific Rim was better,” Sarah said dryly, pouting and hogging the popcorn as she and her partners returned their attention to the action on-screen.
Forty-five minutes and one climactic behemoth battle later, the credits started rolling, and Cupid promptly went into a fit of sheer euphoria, running around the RC like a headless chicken and flapping his feathered wings in much the same way. Sarah lounged on the sofa, having been won over by the finale as well, and Lapis leaned against the back of the couch, watching their angel friend spazz out.
“I’m curious — is there Godzilla badfic at all?” the Super agent asked idly. “I know the rule is that anything in existence will have badfic written about it eventually, but I don’t know if this continuum is an exception.”
The blue-haired girl gave her a look of concern. “The Godzilla fandom — and in fact, the daikaiju fandom in general — is pretty small and tight-knit, from what I’ve heard,” she replied. “But since the 2014 reboot’s made the franchise popular again, I’m worried that some upstart authors may want to try their luck…”
“We should totally watch that final boss battle again!” Cupid chattered happily, continuing to frolic about in excitement. “It was awesome ! It was like, ‘GRAAAH!’ And I was like, ‘OOOOOH!’ And then it was like, ‘DELELELE WHOOP!’ And then I was like, ‘EEEEK!’ And then it was like —”
[SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNKKKK!!!!!!!!!]
Lapis screamed in absolute terror, leaping so high that she actually managed to hug the (thankfully inactive) ceiling fan that happened to be directly above her.
“ Owwww! Lady Palutena, I had no idea consoles could roar!” Cupid muttered, screeching to a halt and picking his ear with a finger.
“Yeah, me neither!” Sarah chuckled, covering her ears while she strode over to the console and cutting off its surprisingly good impression of the King of the Monsters by tapping the big red button with her elbow. She skimmed the report, and quickly raised an eyebrow.
“So much for actually believing that the Godzilla fandom was safe from badfics,” the Super said worriedly. “I guess that new movie must’ve been pretty damn popular if… Uh-oh.”
“What happened?” asked Lapis, still hanging on for dear life from the blade of the ceiling fan with her arms and legs.
“It’s Godzilla crossed with… Sonic the Hedgehog. Sort of.”
“What’s so bad about that?” asked Cupid. “Godzilla showing up in Mobius would actually be a pretty interesting plot idea.”
“Unfortunately, we’ve got the reverse problem here,” Sarah replied. “Specifically, a M.U.T.O. that looks exactly like Sonic.”
There was what is referred to in screenplays as a beat.
“Okay, that’s bad,” Cupid replied flatly.
“But how will we take care of this?” the blue-haired Pokémon trainer asked nervously, her fingers already beginning to slide off the blade of the fan. “Based on the scale of the M.U.T.O.s in the movie, that thing’s probably gonna be at least 60 meters tall.”
Sarah walked under the ceiling fan and held her arms out, just in time for Lapis to slip off with a yelp and drop into them. “Easy. Ever seen Honey, I Shrunk the Kids ?”
“Nope,” the blue-haired girl replied, stepping out of the cradle formed by Sarah’s arms and dusting herself off. “I’ve heard of it, though. Isn’t that the one with the shrink ray or something?”
“I haven’t seen it, either,” Cupid chimed in. “But wait, a shrink ray? Doesn’t that work like a Poisoned Mushroom from Super Mario Bros. ? We could use something like that to shrink the M.U.T.O.!Sonic down to normal size and kill it like a normal replacement! Ooh, ooh! Or one of us could use the reversed shrink ray to grow bigger like Sarah suggested and kill the Stu in that state!”
“But wouldn’t that be in total violation of the square-cube law?” Lapis asked cautiously. “Going by strict physics, your bones would implode before you could even take a step, let alone fight this M.U.T.O.!Sonic.”
“Aw, who cares? It’ll be fun!” the angel replied happily.
“Your funeral, then,” Sarah laughed. “Now, off to DoSAT!”
“Huh? Why?” asked Cupid.
“To get a shrink ray, of course!”
“Ohhhhh, right!”
**********
Around ten minutes later, the three agents opened the Makes-Things Memorial Blast Doors, checked in at the front office, and entered the huge lab. Technicians were everywhere, repairing and testing all sorts of cool stuff.
“So, this is the DoSAT?” asked Cupid. “It’s so pretty!”
“Not when there’s a risk of something blowing up and sending deadly dangerous shrapnel all over the place,” Lapis whimpered, hiding behind the angel’s wing.
Sure enough, a moment later, there was a huge KABOOM! A large piece of metal whizzed by, narrowly missing Sarah’s head, causing them to duck and cover with startled screams.
“Hey! If you’re building stuff, at least do it outside!” the Super shouted angrily.
A boy about her age, with short, messy blond hair, ran up to the three agents. “What, and disturb Alice’s herd? No way!” he replied. “Sorry about that, by the way — Some of our guys have been trying to make miniature replicas of the Omnidroid for utilitarian purposes! And yeah, that includes Sue-killing. Hey, aren’t you that one agent from The Incredibles continuum? Stratogale, I think?”
“Yep,” the black-haired girl replied. “Actually, it’s Sarah. And these are my partners, Cupid and Lapis.”
“I’m Alex,” the blond boy replied, grinning. “Alex Dives. My sis told me about you a while ago. I couldn’t believe it at first when she told me that you had a Skarmory for a brother!”
“Oh, Adam? Yeah, well, I’m no longer training with him, or even working in Floaters for that matter. I got assigned to DIC a while ago. I’ve had one mission with the glitter-bags behind me, and it was completely bonkers. I’m surprised the Lichen even let us off after the Yveltal incident.”
“Yveltal incident?” Alex asked, surprised. “Wow… And here I thought my sis's battle with Rose Potter was crazy…”
“It’s a long story, actually,” said Cupid. “I guess things worked out in the end, though, all things consi— wait. Rose Potter?! Your sister really fought the Rose Potter?!”
“You didn’t know?” asked Alex, confused and disappointed. “I thought everybody knew! Didn’t you read the latest Multiverse Monitor? ”
“We didn’t find out what happened until we got back and noticed that someone had slipped that bane of rainforests everywhere under our door,” Lapis admitted, flashing a nervous grin that exposed her shark-like teeth. “Between keeping this hole-in-the-ground —” she motioned to the Pit lookalike next to her — “from getting drunk off his sacred buns and fighting off an uncanonical army, I can say with confidence that we couldn’t really get the time to catch up on recent events. Anyway, we’re looking for a shrink ray. We got our second mission just today, and we have to get rid of a character replacement with a difference.”
“Wow, you guys sound busy,” Alex said grimly. “So, what’s a shrink ray gotta do with a character replacement?”
“All we can say is this,” Cupid replied. “The continuum this replacement is intruding upon? Godzilla. ”
Alex flinched. “Oh, man… I had no idea they even had badfic of those movies! Alright, I’ll go ask Makes-Things to get a shrink ray for you guys. Hang on a sec…”
He rushed off, leaving the agents to wait and admire the scenery. It didn’t take long before the intern returned with a large cart, upon which sat a large tube-shaped device with plenty of cables attached to it.
“Szalinski’s Shrinking Machine!” he announced proudly. “A duplicate of the one from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. We’re working on a more portable version for agents to use if need be, but for now, this should come in handy. Just make sure to return it when you’re done!”
“Uh, do you know what you just said?” Lapis asked in dismay, and a moment later the group heard the wet splat of her giant anime-style sweatdrop hitting the floor.
Alex’s face fell. “It’s gonna get smashed, isn’t it?”
“You have the blueprints, right?” asked Cupid. “You can always make another…”
“But by the looks of this thing, it’ll take days, if not weeks,” Sarah replied. “We’ll try to get it back to you guys even if it gets broken, though. Hopefully you’ll be able to repair any possible damage!”
“Maybe not me specifically,” said Alex, “but I’m sure someone will be able to do that anyway!”
Thanks to her super-strength, Sarah was able to pick up the device, and the agents carefully slipped it into her Bag of Holding. She grinned broadly at Alex when she was done.
“You’re gonna save a lot more lives than just us three, you know that?” she said.
“Let’s just get back to our RC,” Lapis said hastily. “The mission hasn’t even started yet!”
“Right,” Sarah replied, shaking Alex’s hand in thanks. “Nice to meetcha again, Alex! Oh, and guys, we’ll probably need disguises for this one. Soldiers or civilians?”
“The better-armed we can be, the better off we will be,” said Cupid, as he and Lapis turned and followed their partner out of the lab.
“But aren’t soldiers the first to go down during a kaiju attack?” asked the ex-Suvian Pokémon trainer. “That is unless they’re the main characters in the movie, of course…”
“Fair enough,” Sarah laughed. “Soldiers it is!”
Act One
In 1954, the world was nearly decimated by Godzilla, King of the monsters. Godzilla killed everything in his path. even the justice league! The military tried to fight back, but they failed. The world would perish under the hands of Godzilla.
Fifteen minutes after they’d left DoSAT, the agents stepped into the fic, dressed in a full complement of army gear (and without wings in Cupid’s case); they didn’t bring their weapons with them, though, knowing how useless they were against giant monsters. Lapis led the way, her hair now in a short pixie-cut under her helmet and, more importantly, blonde rather than blue.
“What in Arceus’s name?!” the ex-Sue grumbled, gritting her now blunt human teeth. “There’s no chapter title, no Author’s Notes, no nothing! It just jumps right into the story!”
Sarah was upset for a different reason. “Did this author just imply that Godzilla killed the fucking Justice League?! ” she shouted. “Their first comic issue was in 1960! Charge for anachronism, beige prose, and improper capitalization!”
A moment later, a starfish-like creature with a central eye flew in out of nowhere and latched onto the disguised Super’s face. She let out a muffled scream of horror and began scrambling to pull it off.
“Not to mention a complete and total failure to understand the original Gojira ,” Lapis added, her fingers visibly trembling. “It’s only in one paragraph and it fails to describe even a fifth of the plot!”
“Beige prose?” Cupid asked blankly.
“Actually, there’s a Suvian relative of beige known as ‘buge’,” Sarah replied grumpily, finally managing to pull justice league the mini-Starro off of her. “An awful lovechild of beige and red, basically. Y’know what, I think I’ll use that color for this prose instead.”
“Wait, buge prose? Is that even a thing?”
“It is now.”
The next year, A new monster, Anguris appeared in Osaka, everyone was begging him to save the world from Godzilla, Anguris was reluctant at first, but than agreed. Godzilla and anguris fought brutally but Godzilla did the evil and sink his fangs in Anguris like a vampire. There was blood everywhere as Anguris blacked out, fainted by losing to much blood but even worse, Godzilla was still at large.
Lapis’ face and knuckles turned bone-white, and she tried to fight back an almost animalistic scream, only to fail miserably. “Oh, for the love of — GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN DID NOT GO THAT WAY!!! And that’s not how you spell Anguirus, you idiot! Did this author only look at the 2014 Godzilla movie as preliminary source material?!”
“From the summary, it seems like it,” replied Sarah.
In 1956, Godzilla made his way to America and destroy Maryland. Raymond Burr was the only one left alive to witness the Chaos of Godzilla. But lucky for us, a Kirby named Dr. serizawa killed himself and Godzilla by using the oxygen destroyer. The world was finally saved from Godzilla.
The agents all stared up at the Words in blank shock. Lapis actually sank to her knees upon the Generic Surface, her eyes already beginning to tear up. “The events of Gojira took place in 1954, and the original Godzilla died in the same year!” she wailed. “And Maryland, of all places?! Did this author just imply that Godzilla crossed the entirety of North America without being noticed?!”
“And from what you’ve told us, Dr. Serizawa was apparently not a Kirby,” added Cupid.
(58 years later)
The world around the agents shook with a force comparable to Godzilla’s footsteps, sending everyone flat on their faces. Lapis, of course, let out a high-pitched shriek and ran straight into Sarah’s arms.
Just 58 years later, Godzilla returned but this time to save the world from MUTO, an evil monster who is determine for human extinction. Godzilla barely defeated MUTO and returned to sea, but little did he know That his alien nemesis would return.
Just a short little chapter for my first fanfic regarding Godzilla, hope you all enjoy!
“There’s your Author’s Notes for you,” said Cupid. “And I think that was our first mention of our target, too.”
“Okay, scratch that,” Lapis snarled, wishing her teeth were still serrated and in multiple rows. “This author didn’t understand even the 2014 Godzilla movie! The M.U.T.O.s were just trying to reproduce, and they didn’t care that humans built those big metal nests or whatever in their backyard! And I don’t recall those things being aliens, either!”
“Actually, I think this MUTO may be a bit different than the ones from the movie,” said Sarah.
“You don’t say,” said Lapis, motioning for Sarah to take out the RA. “The next chapter begins shortly. This fic is going too fast and without a fixed location to start from, I can’t use my plot holes to save our lives. Oh, and charge for awful pacing — and pissing me off in record time, while we’re at it!”
“You really do love your Godzilla movies, don’t you?” Cupid laughed.
The ex-Sue gave him a flustered look. “Well, if that’s news to you, I almost feel sorry for you,” she said dryly.
2014 May 21 first, 1:30 afternoon.
Now you would think that after the earth shattering battle between Godzilla and MUTO, everyone would be in fear right? WRONG! They are to busy dealing with Cloverfield. Yep, Somehow cloverfield was in Tokyo, weird.
The agents landed in a rubble-strewn street, and almost immediately they were greeted by a horrifying sight. A huge creature with very long arms and fleshy sacs behind its beady eyes was crashing its way through the city. The vibrations of its footsteps perfectly masked the (PAGE BREAK!) and (Page break) thundering by.
Following in the monster’s wake were two much smaller versions of the same creature, although that wasn’t very comforting to the agents, seeing as each was the size of an elephant.
“W-what is that?!” Cupid stammered in terror, wishing he’d brought his Angel Bow.
“Clover,” Lapis replied blankly. “Just Clover. The baby monster from the Cloverfield movie. Well, the big one is, but…”
A moment later, the mini-Clovers noticed them, and they bounded towards them, making loud wailing noises. Sarah and Cupid cried out in alarm and prepared to run for it, but Lapis held her hand up and whistled loudly.
Cloverfield and cloverfield skidded to a halt in front of the little girl, who promptly squeed and hugged the nearer mini’s massive front leg.
Her partners stared at her in utter confusion.
“She’s a real beastie buff, isn’t she?” asked Sarah.
“Huh. Weird,” the angel replied. “My first impression of these creatures is always like, ‘BIG MONSTERS KILL CUPID! GRRR!’”
“Knowing you, that makes perfect sense,” Lapis replied as she headed back to them, the minis plodding behind her. “Where are we now?”
Sarah checked the Words and gasped. “Clover c-can… t-talk?! ”
Lapis looked at the narrative as well, and let out another skyward scream.
Cloverfield spotted MG2 [a.k.a. MechaGodzilla 2] in front of him. "Looking for a fight eh?" Cloverfield asked. "No, but you should be looking for surgery!" MG2 replied with a smirk. Cloverfield roared in rage as he tried to Punch MG2, Who easily dodged and did a upper cut to Clover. Than, MG2 grabbed Clover, and tossed him into a building, twice... "I'm not finished not!" Clover shouted.
There was a fizzling noise inside Sarah’s bag. “Oh, damn,” she grumbled. “That’ll be the C-CAD deciding to blue-screen.”
Before Lapis could throw another shit-fit about how Clover acted out of fear rather than bravado, however, there was a scream and a sickening ripping noise behind them, which made them turn around. The mini-Clovers had found a bit character and pulled him into two pieces.
“Oh sweet mother of Bruce Banner! What just happened?! ” Sarah cried out, trying not to throw up as she watched the dining minis. A few moments later, a tiny black man with an eyepatch came up to the agents.
“While we were paying attention to Clover,” Lapis said in exasperation, “some guy named nick fury showed up and gave the order to release MechaGodzilla. He’s hereby convicted posthumously for replacing the character of Nick Fury and existing only to deliver one line of dialogue.”
“Ouch,” Cupid understated. “We haven’t even gotten past Chapter 2 and there’s already this much idiocy?!”
“Like the My Immortal of the Godzilla fandom,” said Sarah, opening a portal to lead the mini-Starro and the mini-Nick Fury to the Mini Adoption Agency. “Except it’s way more obscure, thank goodness.”
“Only nine reviews, and none of them were really that significant except the one complaining about MUTO,” Lapis added, shaking her head angrily. “And just as well — this fic should never have seen the light of day! It’s more blasphemous to the franchise than all that shitty ‘fanart’ on the Internet depicting Godzilla as a T. rex with spikes glued on!”
The other agents looked at her in confusion, upon which she added, “Please don’t ask.”
MG2 was about to reach it, until "BOOM!" A bright purple laser hit the helicopter and destroyed it. MG2 looked up and saw, sign, Mothra, but she wasn't happy. "Hey Mothra! Long time no" MG2 paused because Mothra cut him off. "Get out, NOW!" She growled. "Yeah I can't really do that" MG2 replied.
Before the agents could react to this new development, though, there was a familiar roar of anger behind them. Three house-sized dinosaurs had appeared: two with spiked carapaces and long toothy snouts, and a bipedal one with a dragging tail and a back replete with bladed leaf-shaped plates.
“More minis?!” Cupid cried out. “But they don’t mention Anguirus in this chapter!”
“These would be Anguris , anguris , and Dr. serizawa,” said Lapis. “I think they were from — LOOK OUT!!!”
The agents dived for cover as Dr. serizawa’s giant foot came down upon the spot they were standing upon, and the mini-Godzilla roared in what sounded like pain.
He turned towards Lapis, glaring down at her with his fearsome teeth bared, and raised his foot again. She screamed and cowered, expecting to be turned into a grease stain in less than a second, but then she noticed a critical detail.
“LAPIS!” Sarah cried, preparing to take out her sword. “GET OUTTA THERE! I’VE GOT THIS!”
“No no, don’t!” cried the younger girl, reaching up towards the mini’s foot. “I think he’s trying to tell me something!”
She pulled out the stray comma that had been lodged in the bottom of Dr. serizawa’s foot… and with another roar, he stomped down with great force.
Sarah and Cupid screamed in horror, and the Super actually threw up on the street.
Thankfully, however, Lapis rushed out from behind the mini’s column-like leg a moment later (the mini had stomped on the spot next to her) and gave them a thumbs-up. “I’m good!”
The other agents felt relief for a brief moment, but then the mini picked their partner up in his clawed hand, King Kong-style, and opened his toothy maw. She shrieked like a classic Hollywood blonde, expecting the worst… only to be cut short when the mini licked her in the face with his huge slimy tongue.
“Oh! Uh… okay, then!” she chuckled in embarrassment, wiping off the monster saliva and silently hoping she wasn’t going to get radiation poisoning.
“Huh,” Cupid said in total astonishment. “Were those minis from the first chapter?”
“And why a mini-Godzilla?” asked Sarah. “I thought his name was spelled just fine!”
“Yeah, but apparently, if you misspell the name of anybody from the Godzilla movies who isn’t a kaiju, you get a mini-Godzilla,” Lapis replied, motioning for the mini to set her back down on solid ground. “I wonder if that’s the case for other daikaiju franchises as well. What would a mini-Gamera be like?”
There was a huge explosion from somewhere nearby, and the agents and minis looked around. Mothra had apparently killed the big Clover with another uncanonical purple beam.
“Should we worry about that?” Cupid asked nervously.
“Don’t bother,” said Lapis. “ That Clover was a replacement, and he’s charged posthumously with acting completely OOC and showing up in the Godzilla continuum for no plausible reason. Let’s get to the next chapter before I give up out of sheer anger.”
“Right,” said Cupid. “How soon will it be before Godzilla shows up for real?”
“Probably in the next chapter or two,” said Lapis. “We’ll be starting that one off on Monster Island, so there’s a good chance he’ll turn up sooner or later.”
“Yeah,” Sarah agreed, holding up the RA. “After all, what’s a Godzilla badfic without the big guy himself?”
Act Two
- Soundtrack: Godzilla (2014) — “Golden Gate Chaos” + “The Wave”
Mothra was on monster island, Anguris was watching TV, Varan was playing a game with rodan, and Baragon was reading a book. Mothra growled as she stomp angrily towards the couch. "lost your car keys again?" Anguris asked. "Those stupid humans disobeyed me and rebuilt Kiryu! Even when I told them not to 10 years ago!" Mothra pouted.
The agents and the minis stepped through the very large portal into the jungle on Monster Island, and a moment later, two more mini-kaiju, monster island the greenish mini-Godzilla and rodan, a two-crested pterodactyl with a spiked underbelly, plodded over to join the others.
The whole group was silent for several long moments. And then Sarah and Cupid metaphorically jumped out of their skin when Lapis’ temper went off like the Oxygen Destroyer.
“WHAT THE FUCK?!?! THE GODZILLA FRANCHISE IS NOT A FUCKING SITCOM , YOU IGNORANT FUCKING SACKS OF OVERGROWN ATOMIC IGUANA SHIT!!! YOU DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT HUMAN CULTURE, YOU SMASH CARS RATHER THAN FUCKING OWNING THEM, AND YOU DON’T SPEAK A SINGLE! FUCKING!! WORD !!! ”
Both of her partners hugged each other in abject terror.
“I never thought anything could ever make you grow a tongue as filthy as mine,” Sarah whimpered, disengaging from the angel and reaching into her bag. “Or blow up so violently, for that matter.”
“Never get between an agent and the subjects she’s passionate about,” Cupid replied in a small voice. “Believe me, I learned that the hard way.”
The Super pulled out a small bottle and handed it to the still-trembling Lapis, who instantly recognized the Bleeprin label and snatched it from her. The ex-Sue popped it open almost immediately, and she was ready to down half the contents when Cupid stopped her.
“Whoa, whoa! You’re supposed to take ‘em one at a time!”
“Since when did you get so concerned?” Lapis asked angrily. “You yourself quaff your Bleeport rather than sipping it!”
“Because I’m usually staring down subject matter I despise with a passion! Besides, I’m a lot older than I look, but you aren’t.”
“Yeah, just one pill per scene will be safer,” Sarah added. “I think. I hope.”
“More like one pill per paragraph, ” she replied icily, but took a single pill anyway. Sarah and Cupid also took one each, just in case.
And just like that, "BANG!" MUTO kicked opened the door. "That's right! And i'm back to wipe out Godzilla and any of you who get's in my way!" MUTO shouted. Mothra giggled as she rolled her eyes. "Wow sonic! Nice Halloween costume!" Yep, MUTO was now in the shape and form of Sonic the hedgehog, which I clearly said in the summary.
“Enter our target from stage right,” said Sarah, ignoring both the giant door that had appeared out of nowhere for MUTO to kick down and the in-text Author’s Note screaming overhead.
“Lady Palutena, this is horrible!” Cupid understated.
“Took you long enough,” Lapis deadpanned, watching MUTO angrily confront the other kaiju. “We need to find a way to get the guy to stay still long enough to use the Shrinking Machine!”
“I doubt he’d like that,” said Cupid. “Besides, I don’t know if the Shrinking Machine is strong or fast enough to cut him down to a more respectable size!”
“We could always get him into the ocean,” Sarah suggested. “Sonic can’t swim. So if MUTO’s a replacement of him, maybe he can’t, either.”
“But we’ll need a portal big enough to accommodate him, a location that doesn’t give him the opportunity to return to land, and someone to push him through,” said Lapis. “Maybe shrinking him would be the easier solution, I don’t know. He’s actually not as big as we thought, anyway, because the fic says the Mothra bent over and rubbed MUTO’s head. But whatever the case, our work won’t be easy!”
“If all else fails, get the minis to do that,” said Cupid. “There’s like, seven of them already!”
“It’d be like Destroy All Monsters , but more one-sided,” said Lapis. “We’ll have to be quick, though. If MUTO spots us, it won’t be pretty. Sarah, can you still fly?”
“I think so. I should’ve said earlier that I took a bit of license with the disguises…”
“Like removing my wings?” Cupid groaned.
“You have a wing decal on the back of your uniform,” Sarah pointed out, opening a portal to Chapter 4. “It was the most logical option I could think of as far as this continuum was concerned.”
“ Not helping! ” the angel shot back.
In downtown, the city was getting destroyed by MUTO. Mothra appeared while MUTO tossed a truck at a jet. "You better fuck off now you old ass insect!" MUTO Shouted. "Yeah, I heard that one to many times!" Mothra sarcastically replied. But than, one random guy shouted out, "LOOK!" Mothra,MUTO and everyone else turned their heads to the sea.
The agents landed in a random seaside city, and a butterfly-like creature with a wingspan as wide as a small airplane flew down to join the other minis.
“How many minis is this fic gonna spawn?!” Sarah asked incredulously as she watched Mothra,MUTO perch on monster island’s head.
“Too many,” Lapis replied acidly.
But before she could continue any further, the agents and minis looked towards the coastline, where the sea was already retreating far beyond where it normally should. The agents immediately started running for higher ground, while the minis that could fly did so. What happened next was so poorly described by the fic that it had to be seen in person to be believed.
Something enormous was moving at great speed through the ocean, which was somehow flashing a bright light, its immense bow wave looking more like a tsunami than an actual creature. The wall of water rose up to fifty feet high and counting as the newcomer closed in on his supposed rival, and his jagged spikes began to break the surface before he had even begun lifting his great bulk out of the sea. He seemed to slow down as he approached, rearing up higher and higher until the water surface finally tore away from his immense, scaly form.
As the monster’s pillar-like feet touched down on the shallow seabed, the thousands of gallons of seawater that he had displaced came crashing into the coastline with the speed and power of a bullet train. Anything that wasn’t bolted to the ground was dashed to pieces by the force of the impact, and even upon making landfall, the tidal wave didn’t stop, crashing through the streets of the city, sweeping up the mini-kaiju that hadn’t flown away, and killing dozens of screaming random people in its wake.
The frightened, fleeing agents could almost feel the ocean spray behind them, and with no time to waste, they ducked into a random apartment complex and raced for the top level, wisely ignoring the elevator. Upon reaching the roof, they ran out into the open air before skidding to a halt, their mouths falling open.
Towering high above them, the colossal scaly creature, with armor as black as midnight and spiky back plates like jagged stalagmites of bone, stomped through the flooded streets, his huge claws at the ready, his powerful tail swishing like living whipcord, his jagged fangs bared in fury. The gaze from his small dark eyes bore down upon the scene before him with an expression betraying one thing and one thing only: vengeance.
“ Gojira, ” Lapis whispered in terrified awe, feeling as small and insignificant as any twelve-year-old would be in a situation like this.
The King of the Monsters glared at MUTO, inhaling deeply, and a few moments later, he uttered his signature roar, shattering every window within a mile’s radius and nearly deafening the agents.
“Okay,” said Sarah once they’d recovered. “How many sentences of badfic did we just witness, anyway?”
Lapis checked the Words, and then her face blanched. “Three,” she whimpered in stark horror.
The ocean was flashing a bright light, than a huge tsunami appeared! Everyone screamed in fear as MUTO and Mothra had to shield themselves. As the tsunami stopped, there was a creature, a black, reptile creature with spines all over his back, the one and only, GODZILLA! KING OF THE MONSTERS!
The other agents were left speechless for several seconds.
“All of what we just went through,” Cupid said, trembling uncontrollably, “the hallmark of practically every Godzilla movie in existence, one of the most iconic sequences in cinematic history… All of that… in ONE… SINGLE… GAMIMENOS… PARAGRAPH?!”
“How incredibly observant,” Lapis replied sarcastically.
Everyone and Mothra was in shock as MUTO smirked. "Took you long enough!" Godzilla and MUTO glared at each other. "I suggest you call it quits, your grandparents weren't to much trouble!" Godzilla said as he cracked his knuckles. "And after i'm through with you, you'll wish you got hit with another oxygen destroyer!" MUTO shouted.
“OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE! ” Sarah screamed, startling her partners again.
“Sarah! I know Godzilla’s been hit by the Suefluence too, but you don’t have to yell!” Cupid cried out urgently.
The girls gave him extremely furious expressions. “What did you think we were doing all this time?” Lapis snarled.
The disguised angel wisely decided to shut up.
"Big talk for a alien version of Sonic the hedgehog!" Godzilla said. Bu now, Godzilla and MUTO were now shooting death glares at each other, about to fight once again. Mothra gulped, she didn't realize Godzilla would return to fight MUTO, but she was more afraid that the battle might take away countless of lives, she had to do something.
“Y’know what, screw this Tauros-shit!” said Lapis. “Let’s kill him now!”
The other agents looked at her awkwardly. “Wow,” said Sarah. “You certainly weren’t like this in the past mission.”
“That’s because the badfic had good characterization,” the ex-Sue shot back. “And I can live with the continua involved being just barely messed up. But this… This is a travesty! ”
“We’ll need to have a battle plan,” said Sarah. “The first thing we’ve gotta do is get MUTO to stay still long enough for me to use the Shrink Ray.”
“Wait, you can carry it by yourself?” asked Cupid.
“With my super-strength and flight ability? Probably.”
“We’ll have to fire it at MUTO,” said Lapis. “See if we can get him away from the canonical kaiju and shrink him down to a size we can deal with.”
“And then we send him to the bottom of the Great Sea?” Cupid asked eagerly.
“We’ll decide what to do once we actually neutralize the guy,” Sarah replied. “Though after what we just went through, maybe we shouldn’t try something that could flood the other half of the city.”
“But how are we gonna fight him?” asked Cupid. “We aren’t exactly suited for Stu-killing, and we certainly don’t fight giant monsters!”
A familiar roar from somewhere nearby reached the agents’ ears, and Lapis grinned broadly, a plan forming in her head. “Maybe,” she replied, “but I think we know somebody who does.”
Act Three
- Soundtrack: Godzilla: Final Wars - “Rodan Attacks New York”
MUTO and Godzilla were already starting to battle by the time the agents were finished preparing the plan that Lapis had proposed.
“So, remind us about what we’re supposed to do again?” asked Cupid.
“Do I have to?!” Lapis grumbled, but the agents looked at her expectantly, and she sighed. “Fine. Sarah, Shrinking Machine. Cupid, minis. Me, charge list.”
“Wait, whose turn was it last time?” said Sarah.
“Mine,” Cupid replied. “But that was because I had to make everyone think that Pit had survived a terrorist attack.”
“I guess you can have the charge list next time, Sarah,” Lapis chuckled. “This fic hit me a lot harder than it did either of you.”
“We noticed,” said Sarah. “So, when do we start?”
The group heard Mothra ask if the others could watch the 2014 Godzilla movie, which was followed by Godzilla and MUTO both shouting “FUCK OFF MOTHRA!”. All three agents cringed at the same time.
“Right now,” Lapis hissed angrily. With that, the agents nodded to each other, split off, and began putting their plan into action.
Mothra watched as Godzilla and MUTO continued to battle, Godzilla smashed MUTO into the ground, but 45 people were standing there as MUTO fell on them, killing all 45. Muto got up and kicked Godzilla in the face, than knocked him into a building. Godzilla got up and shot more of his atomic breath at MUTO, but this time Godzilla got a direct hit.
MUTO Got knocking into a huge building where 256 people were in, and no surprise, they died to. MUTO got up and knocked Godzilla off the ground. Godzilla just shot some more nuclear breath.
But before MUTO could make the next move, he felt some kind of strange energy beam hit him in the back. Before he could realize what was happening, he felt his body begin to shrink.
“Whats going on?!” he cried.
“ Your death! ” a voice called out. The still-shrinking MUTO turned to see a child in an army outfit holding up a random megaphone.
He burst out laughing. “I’ve killed hundreds people!” he cackled, ignoring the fact that he was still shrinking. “What makes yo think youve got the guts to defeat me?”
“We don’t think we do,” Lapis called out. “We know we do. MUTO, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a character replacement on account of the following charges: replacing the characters of Sonic the Hedgehog and both M.U.T.O.s from the 2014 Godzilla movie; making said movie exist in this universe even though the creators specifically stated that the entire franchise does not ; writing what may be considered buge prose for all we know or care; exhibiting horrible SPaG; spawning no less than eight mini-kaiju; making everybody act completely OOC; introducing characters from other continua into the Godzilla universe without any plausible excuse; also looking like a character from another continuum without any other excuse; making kaiju talk and act like sitcom characters ; and above all, producing an unreadable, intolerable, and utterly ridiculous piece of tawagato that would’ve made Ishirō Honda roll in his grave! For your crimes, your punishment is —”
“YOU’R DOOM!!!” MUTO roared angrily, lunging at Lapis. She screamed, dropping the megaphone, and tried to run, but the replacement was too quick for her, and she only managed to dodge just in time before his white-gloved fist smashed into the ground next to her.
Sarah flew after her, trying to aim the Shrinking Machine again. But MUTO was too quick for her, and he curled up into a ball and attempted to crush Lapis flat. The terrified ex-Sue plot-holed away, and he smashed into another building and killed 23 more people.
MUTO stood up, somehow hearing where Lapis was, and charged in a straight line towards a different part of the city, plowing through cars, trucks, buildings, and bystanders. Lapis ran towards the ocean, trying to lure the creature to the water and get him to drown.
But then the huge blue creature leaped high into the air and landed in front of her. She skidded to a halt, stumbled, and fell on her rear.
“Prepare to DIE you fucking bitch1” MUTO cried, raising his huge fists to smash her into the ground.
The poor disguised Pokémon trainer, with hair the color of cornsilk, could do only one thing: scream.
MUTO, of course, grinned upon hearing her overly long, piercing cry of fear. He was so focused on ending her that all other thoughts left his mind, meaning that he didn’t notice that he had shrunk from the size of a ten-story office building to the size of a small house, or that a portal taller than he was had opened some distance behind him.
That is, until something clamped its powerful jaws around his right arm.
There was a loud *SNAP!* of breaking bone, and MUTO screamed in pain, his right hand flopping uselessly. With one swift movement, the mini-Godzilla threw him to the ground with a thunderous crash, the plates on the end of his tail already emanating a familiar blue glow. Seizing MUTO’s snout with one clawed forepaw, the angry mini proceeded to rip into the struggling replacement’s furry chest with the other to get him to stop moving. He then grabbed MUTO's mouth and forced it open, the glow already starting to spread to the plates on his back.
MUTO let out a wordless shriek of terror, but Dr. serizawa paid him no heed. Inhaling deeply, the mini lowered his monstrous head, his jaws opening wide, and blasted a jet of atomic breath straight down the replacement’s throat.
Like something out of a horrific fanart, MUTO’s belly began to inflate like a balloon from the internal pressure. Realizing what was going to happen, Lapis scrambled to her feet and ran.
She’d managed to clear only about thirty meters or so before she was knocked to the ground by a gigantic explosion of urple glitter and neon-blue fire behind her.
After the mushroom cloud abated, Cupid stepped through the portal he’d opened to let the mini through, and Sarah swooped down towards the grisly scene with the Shrinking Machine still in her hands. Lapis stood up, still shaking, and locked eyes with the mini who had saved her life.
The Pokémon trainer sank to her knees, a Single Tear running down her cheek. “ Arigatou, ” she almost wept in gratitude, “… Gojira. ”
Dr. serizawa threw MUTO’s severed head onto the street, stomped it to a glittery pulp, and threw his head skyward.
*SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!!*
The agents covered their ears — the mini’s roar really was that loud. An even louder roar in the distance answered in kind.
“We have to neuralyze all of the affected canons,” said Sarah. “Including Godzilla himself.”
“Yeah,” Lapis said uncomfortably. “And we need to get the minis taken care of as well.”
“But how will we get them to the Mini Adoption Agency?” asked Cupid, looking at all of the other mini-kaiju now filing through the portal. “Even one of them would be too big!”
Sarah smiled and held up the Shrinking Machine. “Just leave it to me!”
One zap of the machine later, the agents looked down to see all the mini-kaiju crowding around them, now the size of lap dogs.
“Sarah,” Lapis said, half-stern and half-amused, “are you sure you calibrated the Shrinking Machine’s parameters correctly?”
“Whoops!” the Super laughed in embarrassment. “Yeah, heheh, I guess I overdid it a little . Anyway, you guys take care of the minis. I’ll deal with the big guys.”
“Right!” Lapis replied, grinning.
With some effort, the agents slipped the Shrinking Machine back in Sarah’s bag, and the Super took out the neuralyzer before flying off.
Godzilla wasn’t hard to spot, obviously. But neuralyzing him without getting blasted in the face was a bit harder. It was lucky that the 2014 version was more placid than most.
Sarah flew up to his dark eye, aimed the neuralyzer, and closed her eyes. FLASH!
“You didn’t see anything,” she said. “You never ran into any giant alien hedgehogs, and we were never here. You will return to the bottom of the ocean and live in peace. Have a good day!”
With that, she flew off to find Mothra, leaving Godzilla to blink lazily, growl one last time, and turn away from the burning city. Without a backward glance, the King of the Monsters walked straight into the sea, and after swimming for some distance, silently vanished into its depths.
Once Sarah had repeated her previous action with Mothra, she portaled her way to Monster Island and neuralyzed the rest of the kaiju similarly. Then she headed back to where her partners had been.
“The minis have all been taken care of!” Cupid said cheerfully when Sarah came up to them. “How ‘bout you?”
“Done and done!” she replied. “So, should we get back?”
“I think that would be a good idea,” said Lapis, but before the others could take out their RAs, she added, “No need, I’ll take care of this! Now, gather round and hold on tight…”
A few moments later, the agents fell through a plot hole back to their RC. The moment they left the fic, the city that Godzilla and MUTO had destroyed seemed to fizzle for a few seconds before finally losing its temporal stability and vanishing completely.
Post-Mission
“ Never ,” Lapis snarled through her six rows of teeth, picking herself off the Generic Floor, “are we ever going through anything like that ever again. ”
Her partners could only nod in agreement. But before they could settle down, there was a muffled growling noise from inside the blue-haired girl’s bag. Thinking quickly, Sarah grabbed it from her and opened it up.
A scaly head peeked out, making her yelp in surprise and drop the bag. The puppy-sized mini-Godzilla crawled out and stood up, looking around curiously.
Sarah and Cupid looked down at it, and then at Lapis in total shock.
“Are you… keeping this thing?!” the angel asked incredulously.
The ex-Sue’s face turned slightly blue, a giant sweat-drop slid down her head before hitting the floor. “I — well — uh — Yeah! I am! W-why?”
“We might or might not have some concerns,” said Sarah. “I mean, this is a fire-breathing lizard, after all.”
“Excuse me?” Lapis asked, raising an eyebrow before she picked up the mini and cuddled it. “Godzilla’s a fictional mutant dinosaur-like creature who breathes radiation. The most recent incarnations don’t give off harmful energy constantly, though. I’m sure Dr. serizawa will do just fine.”
“Hey, that reminds us!” said Cupid. “We need to return the Shrinking Machine!”
“Oh, yeah!” said Sarah. “I forgot the DoSAT guys wanted it back! Guess we’ll have to make another trip before we can put our feet up.”
“Sounds like a plan to me,” the angel agreed eagerly. “I can even take you to Rudi’s when we’re done!”
“The bar Adam told me about once?” asked Sarah. “I always wanted to go there, so count me in!”
“And I’ll need some relief from all the stupidity of this mission,” Lapis added with an exhausted sigh, setting Dr. serizawa in a corner next to her plastic jacks and stacking some letter blocks around him so they spelled out ‘GOJIRA’. “Sorry for blowing up in front of you guys, by the way. That was completely uncalled for.”
“No no, we totally understand,” said Cupid. “Though maybe we shouldn’t take on any more Godzilla fics from now on. You honestly frightened us when you went off like that!”
“I’ll pay the dinner bill,” the blue-haired girl replied, scratching the back of her neck. “I might as well make up for my irrational behavior back there. Sounds good?”
“It’s a deal!” her partners replied simultaneously.
And as the three Agents headed out of RC #333, the mini-Godzilla took one look at the blocks piled up around him, smacked one down with a swipe of his little clawed forepaw, and unleashed his distinctive, screeching roar.