Chapter Text
Connor was head over heels for Evan. They'd been together a week, and already Connor could marry him. That probably wasn't a good thing. What was a good thing was Evan getting an extra day off from work, and spending it with him before his impending doom- er- dinner with his parents. They were sprawled out on the couch, Connor on his back with Evan on top of him.
“Your hair’s so soft” Evan murmured into the crook of Connor's neck while running his fingers through his purple curls.
“Mmm, I sure hope so,” Connor hummed, “My conditioner costs forty bucks a bottle.”
Evan ceased twirling Connor's hair around his fingers, and began running his thumb over Connor's jaw. He pressed his lips just below Connor's ear. “Are you nervous?”
“About tonight?” Connor raised his eyebrows, and tightened his grip around Evan's waist. “Yeah. I mean, seeing Zoe again was an emotional roller coaster. Tonight's gonna be a… I don't know, an emotional plane crash.”
Evan leaned up to kiss Connor on the lips, then snuggled into his chest. “They're gonna be happy to see you.” From the way his head was turned, he couldn't see Connor roll his eyes, but he could feel it in every fiber of his being. “They've missed you, Connor.”
“Yeah, yeah. I'm sure Larry’s gonna be thrilled to see me.”
Evan shifted so that he was laying on his side, tucked between Connor's body and the back of the couch, running his fingers over Connor's chest. “Remember how I used to date your sister?”
“Before you turned her into a lesbian, you mean?” Connor laughed, and Evan gave him a playful slap on the arm.
“Yeah. Before that.” His smile faded. That was such a long time ago. It almost felt like a different lifetime ago. More had changed in the past month than had changed in the years since then. “I used to be over a lot… Your mom was still kind of a mess the last time I saw her. She practically turned your bedroom into a memorial.” It almost hurt to think about. “And your dad kind of buried himself in his work.”
Connor believed that. He believed Larry would've thrown himself into working overtime. But he didn't believe it was because he missed him. No, Larry just didn't want to deal with an overly emotional wife. Typical.
Connor's heart pounded in his chest. He could hear his heartbeat ringing in his ears. He stood on the porch of his parents’ house- Zoe's house- his old house- whatever. Why was Zoe even still living with them when she was clearly engaged? Unless she wasn't engaged and the ring was just for ‘fashion’ or whatever, but Connor was ninety-nine percent sure that a ring that nice wasn't just for fashion. He should've asked her. Then again, on Saturday they'd been kind of busy bawling their eyes out.
He couldn't breath. The collar of his shirt felt tight all of a sudden. Was his collar too tight? It was definitely too tight, only it hadn't felt that way when he left his apartment. No the collar was fine, it was the scarf that was too tight. Yeah, definitely the scarf. Never mind the fact that it was an infinity scarf that was really thin and hung way too low to even come close to choking him. Did he look too gay? Was this too gay for dinner with your parents who you haven't seen or spoken to in ten years? How does one even dress for such an occasion? He shouldn't have worn the white jeans, he should've worn the slacks like Evan told him to. God, why was Evan always right? He didn't have time to go home and change now, he had already rang the damn doorbell for Christ’s sake. He should've just worn the slacks in the first place like Evan said-
The door opened.
Connor inhaled sharply, preparing for the worst, then let out a sigh of relief when it was only Zoe. He smiled, as best he could under the stress of the current situation. She smiled back, and stepped aside to let him in. As he walked aside his sister, through the house that was so familiar, yet so foreign, he shoved a hand in his pocket, keeping his fingers firmly planted on his phone. He found solace in knowing that if this went to shit, and with his track record it probably would, Evan was only a text away.
“Mom. Dad.” Zoe cleared her throat as they stood in the doorway of the dining room. Connor stood slightly behind Zoe, prepared to use her as a human shield if necessary. At the head of the table, Larry sat in his usual seat, reading the newspaper. At the other end, Cynthia stood, setting the last place at the table.
They looked up simultaneously.
The plate cynthia had been holding clattered to the table, thankfully not breaking. Larry looked dumbfounded for a moment, before promptly standing up, announcing “I need a drink,” and pushing past his children to get to the kitchen.
Connor leaned over to whisper in Zoe's ear. “You didn't tell them I was coming?”
Zoe shrugged, trying and failing to look innocent, “I wanted to surprise them”
“Connor?” Cynthia's whisper of disbelief was muffled by her hand covering her mouth, as she slowly, carefully approached.
Connor blinked. That's it. That's all he could do. He was rooted to the floor. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak, he couldn't whip out his phone to tell Evan “be there in five, be ready to hold me”. Even as Cynthia wrapped her arms around him, he was frozen.
What finally snapped him out of it was when she asked, tears pouring down her face, “Are you real?”
It felt like being stabbed in the gut with an icicle. That was an oddly specific comparison, but that's what it felt like. That's the moment Connor felt himself crying too. He threw his arms around her, clinging to her the way he did his very first day of school. He was five years old with a Ninja Turtles backpack, and he'd never been away from his mom for more than a couple hours before, and he didn't know any of those kids, and he clung to his mother's pant leg, crying and making a scene, and begging her not to make him go.
“I'm real, mom.” He choked out, rapidly becoming a heart wrenched mess, “I'm real”
Finally, after what seemed like ages, Cynthia took a step back, taking Connor's face in her hands. “What happened to your face? Connor, did someone hurt you?”
Oh. Right. Connor kept forgetting about that scar.
“No, mom, I'm fine,” he pulled one of her hands from his cheek, but left the other in place. “It’s nothing. It happened years ago.”
Cynthia used her free hand to tousle his hair a bit. “You never did get that haircut.” A sad smile adorned her face.
“I did!” Connor defended himself, “It just grew back! That's the thing about haircuts, mom. If you want to keep it short, you have to keep getting it cut, and I just couldn't be bothered to maintain it.”
Cynthia chuckled a bit. It was like music to Connor's ears. He had missed her. He never realized how much before this very moment, but he'd missed her.
Dinners with his family used to be tense. Tense, because Larry had just gotten off work and was tired and grumpy and blamed all the world's problems on Connor, Connor was angry and high, Zoe was angry at Connor. Basically everyone was mad at Connor including Connor. But this dinner was different. It wasn't tense, it was just… awkward.
“This is really good, mom.” Connor complimented, taking another bite of shepherds pie.
“I'm glad you like it, dear.” She smiled, “If only Zoe had told me you were coming. I could've made Nana’s lasagna, I know that's your favorite.”
He'd almost forgotten about Nana's lasagna. Truth be told, over the years his favorite meal had become those ramen noodles and rice fried in a skillet that Cam used to make. He'd tried to recreate it a few times since he'd been back, but he could never get it just right. It must've been the way she seasoned it or something. It just tasted sadder somehow, now that they weren't eating it lounging on the couch together after a long day at work. And that was saying something, because it had tasted pretty sad before, because they were both sad and only had each other. This was not the time to be sad about missing her. This was time to spend with his family. His blood family.
“So, Zoe,” Connor said, just to snap him out of his own head. He used his fork to gesture to her hand. “Who's the lucky lady?”
A blush washed over his sister's face, accompanied by a smile that stretched ear to ear. “You remember Alana Beck? From high school?”
Alana Beck? Didn't Evan say they got together before he left for college? Had they stayed together all that time? He wanted to ask, but he felt like he shouldn't. He didn't want to make things weird by saying he was dating her ex. Even though she probably wouldn't care because she's a lesbian anyway. He really needed to stop freaking out. Freaking out? Who was freaking out? He wasn't freaking out.
“That's really great, Zoe!” He smiled back, “I'm serious, good for you. She treats you good?”
“Connor” Cynthia rolled her eyes.
“No, no, I gotta do the older brother thing.” He cleared his throat, put on an awful Bronx accent and screwed up his face, “She ever hurts you, you come to me, and I'll take care of it for ya.”
That made Zoe laugh. Connor never realized before how much her laugh could light up a room. Hell, even Larry, who had been silent so far, laughed a little bit.
“What about you, Connor?” She asked when her laughter died down, “Are you seeing anyone?”
Now it was Connor's turn to blush. “Well, I mean,” he shrugged, “There was this guy, Bryan. We were on and off for a while but… I think we've ended it for good this time.”
“Oh, honey-” Cynthia began.
“But! I started seeing this boy, Evan,” he scanned Zoe's face. No reaction. Good. She didn't make the connection. “And I don't wanna say it's getting serious, ‘cause it's only been, like, a week, but I have a really good feeling about him.”
Larry nodded. Better than nothing.
Cynthia smiled, “That's great honey!”
“So uh… you don't care that I'm gay?” Wow. Connor never realized that he'd never properly came out to his parents. Surely they'd be fine with it, given that they were fine with Zoe and Alana, but you never really know with these things.
“Oh… honey…” Cynthia's smile looked almost embarrassed, and Larry's whole face had gone red. “Well… we kind of, sort of... already knew”
Connor nearly dropped his fork. “What do you mean you knew?”
“Well, you see, remember how your father used to… go through your computer?”
Connor's eyes went wide. Of course. His forehead hit the table with a groan and he couldn't help but laugh, just a little. “There was so much gay porn on that computer.”
Zoe burst out laughing from across the table. “Holy shit! That's how they found me out too!”
That made Connor laugh even harder, rocking back in his chair and clapping like a walrus. He kind of sounded like one too. “Larry found the lesbian porn!”
It was a nice sibling bonding moment, dying over their dad finding their respective gay porn stashes, and all the while their parents sat there, looking increasingly uncomfortable. At least they were having fun.
After dinner, waiting for dessert to be served, Connor stepped out into the backyard for a cigarette. His mom had given him a mug of coffee, black, two sugars, the way he liked, in the Mets mug he always used to use… He honestly couldn't believe they still had it. He took a sip of coffee and set the mug down on this little table they had on the deck, and took a seat on one of the steps that went down into the yard.
Through the sliding glass door he could see his mom and Zoe laughing in the kitchen. A warm glow from the lights inside cast over the back of his head as he turned away to gaze into the inky blackness of the backyard. The pool was covered, given that it was October. Connor couldn't remember the last time he'd been swimming. It must've been that time Cam dragged him to the beach- god, seven years ago. He'd never really taken the time to think about Cam, really think about her, since everything happened.
From behind him, Connor could hear the door slide open, and someone stepped out onto the deck. He would be lying if he said he wasn't surprised when it was Larry that sat down next to him. Larry lit a cigarette and took a drag, looking like he was trying to think of what to say.
“I'm sorry, dad”
Connor's voice came out a whisper. Larry even looked a bit taken aback. He took a deep breath.
“To tell you the truth, Connor, I thought… if you ever did come back… it'd be asking for money, or with a baby in your arms or something.”
Of course. Of course that's what he thought. Of course Larry, his own damn father, thought that fucking low of him.
“And now I'm back,” Connor said, sounding almost bitter, “Now what?”
“I'm sorry too, Connor.”
Connor almost dropped his cigarette. Larry Murphy, apologizing. Who’d a thunk? Connor wanted to snap something about how sorry didn't fix years of belittling and berating him. How sorry didn't fix the yelling and the fighting. But he didn't.
He was sorry.
It didn't matter whether sorry fixed it or not, because it never could, but that's not what mattered. What mattered was that he was sorry.
“Connor, you don't have kids, at least you haven't mentioned any, so I don't expect you to understand but...” Larry sighed, searching for the right words, “You know how you were born premature?”
Connor nodded.
“Well, I was scared.” Larry shook his head, “I was so scared. You were my first child, and you looked so tiny and perfect, and I was so scared that we were going to lose you. And I had to keep telling your mother ‘No, don't worry honey, he'll be okay’ even though I had no idea what was going to happen. Then, you were a trooper and pulled through and everything was okay. I've never seen your mother happier than the day we brought you home. You were the happiest baby we’d ever seen. You never cried… Then your sister was born and our family was complete, and the two of you got along so well, and everything was perfect…”
Larry took a moment to breath, and take a puff from his cigarette.
“Connor, when you left, I was right back in that hospital room with your mother, telling her everything was going to be okay even though I had no idea, and I was just as scared as she was. And I couldn't help but think ‘This is my fault. He asked for help and we didn't give it to him. It was only a matter of time before something like this happened, and it's all my fault.’”
Connor didn't come to hear this. He came to eat dinner, and spend time with his sister, and his mother, and maybe get yelled at by Larry. He didn't come for an apology, or an explanation, or a sob story. He didn't come to hear Larry admit that he was wrong. In all honesty, Connor didn't know what to do or think. This was so out of character for Larry.
“It's not your fault.” Connor shook his head, mostly just so Larry would stop talking. “I was messed up. Still am, but…You did what you thought was right and it turned out not to be. I can't blame you for that… I left thinking I could make it better, and that you'd all be better off without me but… I guess I just made even more of a mess. So much happened while I was gone, with you guys and with me. Being back here kind of feels like, like I never left at all. Like that whole big chunk of my life never happened and I… I don't really know how to feel about that.”
“I'm sure we'd all love to hear of your adventures someday” Larry tried to smile, awkwardly patting him on the shoulder. Then Larry put his cigarette out and stood up. “I think dessert’s almost ready.”
“I'll be in in a few minutes, I'm gonna have another one.”
“Alright.” Larry turned to go back inside, stopping just before the door. “I love you, son.”
“I love you too, dad.”
Connor didn't really have much time to think about the exchange, about whether he meant any of it or not, on account of Zoe coming outside and plopping herself down next to him.
“How are you feeling?” She asked.
“I honestly don't know.” He lit another cigarette. “I kinda feel like the last ten years never happened, and I just…” he sighed, almost frustrated, “I don't want it to be like that. I don't want everything that happened to just not matter anymore because I'm back now. All the people I met, all the things I did, they're such a huge part of my life and, you have no idea about any of them.”
Zoe shrugged, “So tell me about them.”
“Would it surprise you if I said I was a hustler?”
“Like, a prostitute?” Connor nodded. “I mean, I guess not.”
“Not the whole time or anything. Just for a few weeks, in the beginning. I was living out of motels and ran out of money so…naturally. That's how I met Bryan, but that's a whole other can of worms-”
“Why?” Zoe interrupted. “Why is it a whole other can of worms? What happened?”
“It was just complicated. Complicated and toxic and just all around not good. And then I started drinking because I just hated him so much. Him and his twisted mind games. Was in rehab for a while, got my shit together…”
“That's good.”
Connor nodded. It was good. It sucked that he used to be an alcoholic, but at least he could say he used to be an alcoholic. At least he wasn't an alcoholic anymore.
“I worked in a bookstore for a while.” He added, making Zoe smile a little bit. “That's how I met my best friend, Cam. I lived with her for a while too. She was really nice, I think you would've liked her… I think I was in love with her. Not, like, in a romantic way or anything. In like, a platonic way. But, in a platonic way, I was definitely in love with her…” He could feel himself getting choked up, and he really didn't feel like crying right now, not after crying so much the other night. “Nevermind, I don't really wanna talk about it anymore.”
Zoe nodded. “Okay. That's okay.” She rested a comforting hand on his shoulder as he put out his cigarette. He took another sip of his coffee and sighed.
“Why are you so easy to talk to?” He asked. More to himself than to Zoe. “We haven't talked in what feels like a lifetime, and even before that we hated each other so why… why is it so easy to talk to you now?”
“I don't know.” Zoe admitted. “But I like talking to you. Speaking of which, let me give you my number.”
Connor handed her his phone, and she put her number in under “Zoe” with a music note and a four leaf clover emoji next to it. Later, back at his apartment, Connor would notice she put their parents’ numbers in too, under “Mom” and “Larry”. Connor would never admit it, but he changed “Larry” to “Dad”.
“Thanks, Zo.”
“No problem.”
“So, what do you do?” Connor asked, genuinely curious, “We've been so busy talking about me, what about you?”
Zoe laughed, “Well, I'm engaged to Alana, but you know that. I teach band at the middle school-”
“Gross”
“Yeah.” Zoe cringed, having a flashback to the kid who drank valve oil. “And me and Alana are the band directors for the marching band. She teaches band at the high school.”
“That's actually, like, really cool.” Connor always knew Zoe was going to end up doing something cool. Something with music. But he always thought she'd be in a band or something. Oh, how the turn tables.
“Yeah, the kids are great. We have State Championships this Saturday, actually. Then the Halloween parade next week. You should come.”
That, quite honestly, shocked Connor. She was already inviting him to stuff, important stuff.
“You should bring- what's his name?- Evan, too.”
“I'll talk to him about it. But I'll definitely be there.”
“Cool” Zoe smiled. Connor really did love it when she smiled. “We should probably go inside, cheesecake awaits.”
The rest of the evening was pleasant, and when it was time for him to leave, his mom didn't cry. He expected her to, and she looked like she wanted to, but she didn't. He was glad for that, he didn't want her to cry anymore. He reassured Zoe that he would definitely be at States and the parade, and that he would definitely try to make Evan come too. He even hugged his dad, which was… okay. Connor honestly felt… kind of indifferent to it. But hey, if he was willing to try, then Connor was willing to try too.