Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“This week on BuzzFeed Unsolved, we cover the disturbing murders at the hands of the elusive serial killer, Red John.” Ryan looked into the camera. “Who is he? What might be his motives? And, most intriguingly, what might he have to do with psychic powers?”

Shane held up his hand to stop Ryan. “Wait a minute, psychic powers?”

His obvious skepticism made Ryan rush to defend himself. “It all makes sense—don’t give me that look! Just listen and you'll see.” He turned to his case file and Shane gave the camera an eye roll, mouthing something about crazy tinfoil hat people. Either Ryan didn't notice or pretended not to as he continued, “Now, let's begin...”

“Believed to have begun in 1988, the serial killer known as Red John is rumoured to have claimed over 70 lives throughout California, Nevada, and Mexico.”

HOLY SHIT— SEVENTY?!

Yeah, this guy... he—

he was a fucking monster.

No shit, Ryan!

What else do you want me to say?

I—okay, I mean...

Yeah, he's just a monster.

This is—is this the largest amount of victims we've ever covered on this show? At least, from a serial killer?

Yes, it is

(disgusted noise)

I—wow

I'm not going to name every single victim—partly because there are so many and partly because a majority of them have not been released and/or confirmed—but I'll go over the most, uh, significant ones

Good plan

“His posited first killing occurred in 1988 on a farm in Elliston, killing two men who were workers on said farm, Martin Talbot and Allen Charney. This was approximately a decade before his name would surface as a serial killer—however, it is practically confirmed this was him. Red John's murders were always identified by his signature—a smiley face painted on the wall with the victim's blood—and this was discovered on the abandoned barn, albeit years later and reasonably faded.”

That's creepy.

Yeah, and it's even creepier because—

well, listen to this

“Patrick Jane, a consultant with the California Bureau of Investigation and Red John expert, was quoted as saying, quote: ‘Red John thinks of himself as a showman, an artist. He has a strong sense of theatre. In [all of his] killings, he made sure that the first thing that anyone sees is the face on the wall. You see the face first, and you know. You know what's happened, and you feel dread. Then, and only then, do you see the body of the victim. Always in that order.’ End quote.”

Holy shit.

I know I keep repeating that but, just—

Holy SHIT.

Yeah—yeah, there's not much else you CAN say

It's just—this motherfucker can't even just murder a person, he has to make a show out of it!

What a douchebag

What a douchebag!

“Interestingly enough, this first set of murders leads us to our first potential clue of Red John's identity. The farm in question was under the ownership of the religion, Visualize, with the victims being members of the church themselves. This leads to the widespread belief that Red John could, perhaps, be a member of the church himself.”

Shane was holding a pen to his chin, eyebrows furrowed. “Interesting.”

“What do you think of that idea, that he's a member of Visualize?” Ryan asked, glancing over at his co-host.

Shane hummed in thought. “It's definitely intriguing, and even more so possible, but...” The taller man shrugged. “He could also just be a guy who decided to kill a couple farmers.”

Ryan didn't seem convinced. “I mean, yeah, I guess—”

“Don't you think farmers would be a good target?” Shane insisted. “They're kinda isolated, growing their own food, having acres of land, usually with the nearest neighbour being miles away—”

“Are you speaking from experience?” Ryan joked and, after the laughter from the two had died down, added, “But, the farmers, being part of a church—don't you think the other church members would get suspicious?”

“Maybe Red John didn't know about their—their church affiliations,” Shane said. “I mean, unless they were in full-on priest outfits or had a huge cross on the door, farms aren't naturally associated with churchgoers. No one looks at a farmer and immediately thinks, ‘oh boy, he's definitely a very strong member of the church.’”

Ryan let out a short wheeze. “I—I guess.”

“‘Look at those cows, yep, he's ecclesiastical!’”

Another wheeze escaped from Ryan's mouth.

“All I'm saying,” Shane concluded, “is it's just as likely that he was just some random guy passing through who decided to kill some farmers.”

Ryan finished his chuckle and said, “Okay, I'll give you it, that makes sense as well.”

“In 1998, Red John committed his third known murder, killing an unnamed woman, with the help of an accomplice. His accomplice, Orville Tanner, was apprehended and incarcerated. It is unknown if Tanner was always his accomplice, but what is known is that when Tanner was caught, he implicated his partner, Red John—but only to his cellmate, Jared Renfrew, and thus, he was solely charged for the murder.”

See, this is significant because he had an accomplice and no one knows whether he regularly had a accomplice or if Tanner was just—just a one-time thing

I feel like serial killers—at least the ones we know the most about—don’t really have accomplices

Yeah, that's usually the case

So I think Tanner was just—

I don't know, a friend?

I (wheeze) a friend?

“Heyyy Orville, I gotta favour to ask—

Hahaha

—just a small thing really, there's this guy I need to fucking murder and I was thinkin’ it'd be a fun, uh, bonding exercise” “sure, Johnny! You always come up with the best events!”

(wheeze)

“You free Friday?”

I don't think—

they didn't fuckin’ murk someone for—(wheeze)

for a guys’ night

Maybe they did!

Who does that?

Ryan, do you watch this show?

I mean—

All our cases have people in 'em who would ONE HUNDRED PERCENT murk someone as a guys’ night

Or—or a girls’ night

(wheeze) okay

“Jumping forward to 2003, after Red John had killed 10 people—at least, that were confirmed—a psychic named Patrick Jane was on a talk show, being interviewed about his role in helping the police, and subsequently described Red John as a, quote: ‘Ugly, tormented little man. A lonely soul. Sad, very sad.’ End quote.”

Wait a second—wait, wha—

Isn't Patrick Jane the guy who was a CBI consultant?

Yes, he is

But he's a psychic here?

Yes

What the fuck?!

He started as a very famous psychic and then stopped to work full-time as a CBI consultant and, uh, the reason why is very sad

“When Jane returned home after this interview, he found a note on his door, which read, quote: ‘Dear mister Jane, I do not like to be slandered in the media, especially by a dirty money-grubbing fraud. If you were a real psychic, instead of a dishonest little worm, you wouldn't need to open the door to see what I've done to your lovely wife and child.’ End quote. Jane opened the door to see Red John's signature smiley face on the wall and his family slain on the floor.”

Oh no!

Yeah, it's—I don't even have words for how awful it is.

His daughter was really young too.

Oh no...

Yeah...

So, he became a consultant to get revenge, I'm guessing?

That would be the assumption, yes

And I don't blame him, like, I—I’m rooting for this guy

Yeah, I mean, we don't know where this Red John guy went, why he stopped killing, but I hope that Jane fucking killed him

Yeah, like—

I don't generally condone murder but just—

when some motherfucker kills your wife and child—and she was, like, six years old!

In that case, fucking kill the guy

Yep. Just kill him.

“Approximately a year after this occurred, Jane became a consultant with the CBI, working with one team specifically, the only team reported to tolerate his, quote: 'unconventional methods, relentless insubordination, and consistent smart-aleckish, sardonic attitude.’ End quote. This team consists of agents, Teresa Lisbon, Kimball Cho, Wayne Rigsby, and Grace Van Pelt, who have all been known to turn a blind eye to, and even occasionally join in with, Jane's bizarre methodology.”

This guy sounds like you

(wheeze) does he?

Yeah! Smart aleck, sarcastic, unconventional, insubordinate...

Whoa-ho-ho, I'm not insubordinate

I mean, in a way, you are! You blatantly ignored all of Father Thomas’ rules pretty much immediately after we met with him—

You've ignored those rules too!

Yeah, but—but not immediately after!

Your argument is crumbling.

Okay, whatever, you're still a lot like Patrick Jane!

I mean, yeah, I never disagreed with you on that front! I bet this Jane guy's a pretty cool dude. I'd like to meet him one day.

Me too.

“Wait, I'm just remembering that this is the same guy who is a psychic,” Shane said, holding out his arms as if he had been startled.

“Well, he's not a psychic anymore,” Ryan replied. Shane's eyebrows raised.

“Can—” He blinked, gathering his thoroughly confused thoughts. “Is that something you can just—opt out of?” At Ryan's triumphant look, Shane quickly added, “Not that I believe in psychics, but usually they don't just—just stop claiming to speak to ghosts.”

“Actually, he's very insistent against the reliability of psychics, claiming that there's no such thing,” Ryan explained.

“What?” Shane asked, incredulously.

“Yeah, he actually admitted that he, himself, had been a fraud, merely using his enhanced intellect, ability to perceive people's emotions, and creating factual conclusions based entirely on innocuous details,” Ryan said, obviously reciting a quote of some sort.

“Wow!” Shane's face lit up. “I kinda admire this guy!”

“Because he lied to people for years, conning them for a profit?”

“Okay—” Shane wheezed, shaking his head. “That—that part isn't as admirable, but I was more thinking of his intelligence. And, I mean, also, think of his character development! He went from manipulating people for money to seeking after a serial killer, looking for justice!”

“One could argue that he's seeking revenge, not justice,” Ryan pointed out, sensibly.

Shane waved a hand nonchalantly. “Eh, still a cool dude.”

Ryan wheezed and turned back to his case file. “Okay, let's get back into it.”

“Another batch of victims later—most names unreleased and the number varies based on the source—we come to Jared Renfrew.”

Wait, I think I've heard his name before

Probably, his case was pretty, uh—pretty unusual. Do you remember anything about it?

Hmm...

Oh, was he the guy who went to jail for murdering his girlfriend and then his mom admitted to doing it or something?

Yeah, pretty much

Jane actually was the one who proved his innocence, ultimately to no avail, as Red John killed him, like, a day later

Oof, now THAT sucks

No kidding.

Wait til you hear how they found him

“He was found in Tijuana, Mexico, half-naked in a bathtub with Juana Porfiria Braga—a prostitute he had hired that day—with Red John's signature smiley face there to prove his involvement. However, he left a potential clue to the killer's identity; written on the wall, in Renfrew's own blood, are the words, quote, 'He is mar,’ end quote, with the rest of the word being cut off.”

“He is mar,” huh?

Yeah

What d'you think he was trying to reveal? A name? Profession?

Probably a name?

He is, uh, he is... Mark?

Maybe

Mark Zuckerberg

It was facebook the whole time!

I—(wheeze)

“The next victim we'll cover is Emma Plaskett. Her death was strange in the sense that she was killed in Red John's signature style, but her body was left in a public park and, instead of painting a smiley face with her blood, he hired a plane to draw it in the sky above, at the precise time Jane and the CBI arrived. Another significant permutation was the addition of Emma's toenails being painted with her own blood. As Jane would admit later, quote: ‘the only previous occasion Red John had done that was with [Jane's] wife and daughter.’ End quote. Jane saw this as a sign that the killer wanted him on the case.”

(sigh) This is—

This isn't good, Ryan

“Approximately a year later, two film students, Ruth and Dylan—their surnames were never released to the public—imitated Red John’s style of murder to kill a woman named Marley Sparrow. They filmed the killing and posted it online, claiming to be Red John themselves. They then kidnapped a fellow student's mother in order to blackmail him to kidnap and kill Jane, having the twisted goal of making the perfect, realistic horror film. However, before Jane could be killed, the real Red John showed up, subsequently murdering Dylan and Ruth, leaving their blackmailed classmate injured, and bizarrely leaving Jane completely untouched.”

At first I saw that as a—as something very suspect, but if you really think about it, serial killers all the time play these weird little, uh, little games with law enforcement

Absolutely, I agree

Like our buddy, uh, the —

the Zodiac Killer! He did all kinds of, uh, tricks with the police

It doesn’t exclude him from ALL suspicion, but it doesn’t automatically make him guilty

Yep

“Next came James Panzer—a man otherwise known as the San Joaquin Killer. Most believed that he merely stopped his killing spree, but sources say he was another victim  of Red John.”

Shane gasped and put his hands on his head, staring at Ryan with wide eyes; part of his reaction was played up, yet there was still authentic shock there. “Ryan, I did not know that the SJK was killed by Red John!”

Ryan nodded. “I had to dig deep for that one. It’s pretty crazy when you think about it. Serial killers killing serial killers.”

Shane suddenly let out a bout of laughter. “Can you imagine? I wonder if he knew that Panzer was a killer or if he just found out the—the next day? He opened up the paper and his eyes just go—” Shane mimed lowering a newspaper from his face, eyes full of confusion. “And he just says, ‘Well, that was unintentional!’”

“What if he and SJK were buddies?” Ryan suggested, laughing along with his co-host. “What if he realized what he’d done and went, ‘DAMN IT! Another BSKFF murdered by mistake!’”

“B—” Shane let out a small wheeze. “BSKFF?”

“Best Serial Killer Friends Forever,” Ryan supplied, grinning as the other man wheezed again. “Anyway, I do know why Panzer was killed though.”

“Jane—presumably aware that Panzer and the San Joaquin Killer were one in the same—tricked him on a talk show into taunting and mocking Red John, much like Jane himself had done years prior. Mere hours after the episode was aired, Panzer was found dead with a smiley face painted above him.”

Wow

Yeah

So, like, presumably Jane knew he was just—just going around KILLING people and then got HIM killed to stop him from killing more people?

That's—(wheeze)

That's the assumption, yeah. I mean, I guess if you can't stop a killer, they gotta die, right?

Shane looked into the camera and shrugged. “I suppose so.”

“Unfortunately, the rest of his victims were never officially released to the public, though, as I stated at the beginning, it is believed this monster claimed the lives of over seventy people.”

I heard rumours—and this is only internet speculation!—that the next several victims' names were never released because they were very—very HIGH-PROFILE individuals

High-profile?

It's thought that they may be, uh—

possibly celebrities or law enforcement

Oh shit

Yeah

Can we say any of the—the potential victims?

I don't think so, legally

Okay, well that's too bad

“Without further ado, let's get into the theories of who this heartless murderer could be. While our information on this criminal is limited, there are a surprising amount of theories on his true identity. Today, we'll be going over what are—in my opinion—the strongest suspects.”

“Our first theory is that Bret Stiles is Red John. Stiles is the leader of the church, Visualize, which, if you'll recall, is the church that owned the farm from the first Red John killing. As we hinted at before, many theorized Red John could be a member of Visualize. Some take it one step further, positing that he is the leader of the church himself.”

“Our first clue is Stiles' sway over the church. Many argue that Red John must be multiple people, as many murders seem difficult to pull off for just one man. Stiles' followers have proven themselves time and time again to be completely devout to the religion and, more specifically, Stiles himself. People believe that he could easily convince his followers to aid in his murders.”

So...

Modern day Charles Manson?

(wheeze) yeah, basically

“Another point in favour of Stiles being Red John is the bizarre behaviour he exhibited during the CBI's investigation into him as a possible suspect. He continuously managed to stay out of the country, with his church member refusing to disclose his location. When he did return, he would only meet the CBI at the Ecuadorian Embassy, where he had immunity. Many consider this to be suspect.”

Well, no shit, Ryan!

That's INCREDIBLY suspect!

(wheeze) agreed

“So what do you think of this theory?” Ryan asked, leaning forward as he looked over at Shane. “Bret Stiles as Red John?”

Shane twirled his pen, tapping his chin with a thoughtful hum. “Y’know... the guy is definitely suspicious, but I’m not sure if he’s actually Red John.”

“What are your thoughts on his suspicious behaviour then?”

“Not to make any assumptions about the good members of Visualize,” Shane began cautiously, “but his behaviour could be the behaviour of a corrupt priest.”

“Are you insinuating that Visualize is a cult?” Ryan asked, glancing between Shane and the camera. He was well-aware that religion was never something to argue about on the internet. “You better be careful, Madej.”

“No, not necessarily!” He quickly defended himself, backtracking as quickly as he could. “All I’m saying is that it’s possible that Stiles’ behaviour could be related to something other than Red John.”

Ryan nodded, saying, “All right, I concede, that’s a possibility.”

“Our next theory is surrounding Rosalind Harker, a woman claiming to be the lover of Red John. Being his lover is suspicious enough—however, many speculate that, rather than being his lover, she is the infamous killer.”

Now THAT is surprising!

What’s the most surprising part?

Well, the fact that she would even claim to be the lover of a serial killer is—

it—it’s a lot

I know and her story is even more unbelievable

Okay

“Harker was first a suspect after a letter she sent was found addressed to a man named Roy Tagliaferro—a name thought to be an alias of Red John. Jane and Agent Lisbon went to find her and discovered a reclusive woman, living alone, who claimed to be Tagliaferro’s lover; although she denied he was Red John, it’s easy to dismiss this as the wishful thinking of a romantic interest. Yet, the strangest part of Harker’s story is that she is blind.”

“While those who are blind are in no way prevented from living their lives, many point out that Harker lives completely alone in a large house, without any companionship or even a service dog, which would be rather challenging for someone who is truly blind. Thus came the theory that Rosalind was not really blind and was not Red John’s lover, but was the killer herself.”

I want to make a disclaimer here

You’re welcome to

I personally do not believe that it’s inconceivable for someone who is blind to live in seclusion

Right, I agree

I just wanted to point that out, that’s not the main reason I like this theory

Yeah! I get it, you’re not ableist

Exactly, yeah, it’s just an internet theory

The part of it that makes me think it’s a potential is the fact that she said she was his lover and that she’s pretty reclusive, like, that seems like she could have the means to be a murderer, whether she’s blind or not. The only problem with this theory is the lack of motive.

That’s a pretty interesting theory, Ryan, despite her having no known motive

Thanks, Shane, but you haven’t even heard the last theory yet

Ooh, we better get to it then!

“The final theory for today is that Red John is the one person trying the hardest to stop him: Patrick Jane.”

WHOA-HO-HO!

Patrick Jane?! Now I did NOT expect that!

No? Didn’t—didn’t anticipate this plot twist?

Not at all!

I thought he was a cool dude, just trying to avenge his family, not a secret serial killer!

I mean, who knows, he might be, this is just—

A theory, I know, Ryan, but still! Such a cool guy!

When you hear the strange details, you might, uh, change your mind

Fine

“The first clue to Jane’s potential identity as Red John is his past as a psychic. Whether you believe he was a fraud or not, as he now claims he was, you can’t deny that he is a genius; he is a man with the uncanny ability to beguile seemingly anyone. If he were indeed Red John, it would be easy for him to manipulate both his victims and colleges, feigning innocence and deceiving law enforcement. In addition to that, the fact that he works alongside the CBI would make it easy for him to dispose of evidence and maybe even plant fake clues.”

“This would also explain the unusual lack of injury inflicted on him whenever he comes in contact with the killer. His knowledge of the CBI’s inner workings would ensure that he was always one step ahead of them. His previous profession as a psychic could have given him an ample number of victims, or even accomplices—he may have been able to blackmail people with the information he gained during their psychic sessions.”

Why would he kill his own wife and daughter, insulting his own murderous persona as an excuse to do so?

You ask me as if I know

It seems pretty convoluted

Most serial killers’ plans are

I wonder how that brainstorming sesh went

“Hmm, I wanna kill my wife and daughter! But I have a tv interview tonight...” (snaps fingers) “I've got it!”

(wheeze)

“I could just kill them as Red John, but that's too easy! I didn't major in theatre for nothing!”

(wheeze)

Did Patrick Jane really major in theatre?

No, I don't think so, but with his elaborate style, I could for sure see him as a theatre kid

Oh, for SURE

Maybe all serial killers were theatre kids, they’re all very dramatic and theatrical

(wheeze) I’d believe that

“The final nail in the coffin of the Patrick Jane theory is a very peculiar coincidence. Jane disappeared from America soil in 2013, without telling anyone where he was going, not even his team at CBI. He was completely off the grid. As soon as he had vanished, Red John seemed to vanish as well. There was never another killing or mention of the serial killer again.”

“Without exaggeration, I hate this theory the most, Ryan.”

Ryan let out a wheeze, glancing at Shane. “Why?”

“I was rooting for this guy!” Shane said, gesticulating dramatically. “I felt so bad for him, losing his family, and I was hoping that he’d get his justice!”

“Yeah, it’s—it’s a pretty disheartening theory,” Ryan agreed, tapping his pen on the table. “I hate saying it’s the one I believe the most, but...” He looked apologetically into the camera, with a small shrug. “It’s hard though, with serial killers, often they kill people just because, so most suspects across the internet don’t have a good motivation.”

“Are all of these theories only from the internet?”

“Yes, unfortunately, there are no official suspects—at least, none released,” Ryan said. “These three were the ones with the most credible evidence I could find.”

“The internet has no credibility, Ryan!”

“Look, I did the best I could, Legs! The research team made sure I got the least, uh, the least crackheaded theories.”

“These were the least bullshit theories?” Shane cringed. “Yikes, this guy really is elusive.” He paused, looking thoughtful. “Were there any theories about it being a copycat situation?”

“A couple, but it’s far less likely based on the fact that all copycats get murdered themselves,” Ryan pointed out. “If you’ll remember, Dylan and Ruth.”

“Oh, right.” The taller man suddenly laughed. “What if it was a sort of mafia or gang situation? Like, there are actually tons of Red Johns, and they’re all killing each other, trying to become the superior Red John.”

Ryan leaned back in his seat, guffawing loudly. He put on his Ricky Goldsworth voice. “‘Well, well, well... if it isn’t Red John. Don’t you remember me? I’m the one who nearly killed you—’” He swivelled his head dramatically towards the camera. “‘—Red John.’”

Both men erupted into peals of laughter.

“In the end, there are no concrete theories to who this heartless murderer Red John really is. Could he be a religious leader? A blind woman? Or maybe his own arch nemesis? For now, the case remains... unsolved.”

“Or could it be a mafia of Red Johns?” Shane asked, imitating Ryan’s theory voice. Ryan wheezed and Shane continued, “Are there actually hundreds of citizens claiming to be a serial killer and murdering each other as they fight for dominance?”

“The case will remain unsolved,” Ryan added between his wheezes.

“I wonder, if there are multiple Red Johns, if one of them is watching this and just going, ‘Oh shit! The boys are onto us!’”

Ryan pointed at the camera, attempting a threatening look while being unable to stop smiling. “We’re onto you.”

“Watch out, Red Johns,” Shane said, with a far more stern demeanour, “the Ghoul Boys are comin’ for you.”

Chapter Text

“Hello, and welcome to  another edition of BuzzFeed Unsolved Postmortem: a show where we answer your most pressing questions about the most recent episode of BuzzFeed Unsolved, which was Red John,” Ryan recites, as Shane stared off into the distance with his usual glazed over expression. “All the questions we're answering today came from you guys via our BuzzFeed Unsolved facebook page, our BuzzFeed Unsolved instagram page, as well as directly on the video on BUN.”

“This week's video was a—was a doozy, Ryan!” Shane exclaimed, turning to his co-host emphatically. “It was a lot of twists and turns and I'm still not entirely sure what to think.”

“Well, no one is; that's why it's unsolved,” Ryan replied with an eye roll. “But who knows? Maybe the good viewers of our show will have some revelations for us.”

“Let's get into it!” Shane said, rubbing his hands together hungrily. “How about we start in the good ol' town of the Gram!

“roshjio34 says, out of all the theories which one do you think is the most realistic of being true?

“Now, let me think,” Shane said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “I actually think the Bret Stiles theory was pretty good—he has a lot of pull, he has a lot of followers at his disposal, the first victims were members of his church...” He shrugged. “Seems likely to me.” He glanced over at the shorter man. “What about you, Ry?”

“Patrick Jane,” Ryan said without hesitation. Shane threw his arms up and Ryan added, “Dude, I'm just saying it seems the most likely! He's sketch!”

“So's Stiles! And Rosalind Harker! I just really feel like it's not him—”

“Do not say it's because he's—”

“He's such a cool guy, Ryan!”

“Goddamnit, Shane!”

“This comes from Carol Jackson on Facebook. Carol says, Can't trust anyone with two first names. Patrick Jane is obviously Red John *kissy face emoji* #shaniac #obviouslytheculprit #trustme” Ryan threw his head back with laughter. “That—that's true!” He looked over to Shane. “What do you say to that?”

“I think that Carol Jackson is a hypocrite.”

Ryan let out a full belly laugh. 

“pumpedupgamer from YouTube asks, i love the rj mafia theory! i know it was a joke but honestly i believe it i mean this guy is one of the most prolific serial killers (who was never caught at least) and he always seemed to be one step ahead of the cbi it makes sense he'd be more than one person. Hey, I agree with that!”

“My only thing is that, if it were more than one person, why would they all stop killing at the same time?” Ryan pointed out, scratching his chin. “Red John hasn't been confirmed to have murdered anyone for over five years.”

Shane frowned. “Okay, yeah, that doesn't make too much sense.” After a moment, he said, “Maybe there was a reason they all stopped, if indeed this theory is correct? Like, maybe they needed to lay low?” He looked into the camera with a smirk. “They knew the ghoul boys were onto them.”

“Right they are.” Ryan, in his Ricky Goldsworth persona, leaned on his elbows with a matching smirk. “They better keep on the lookout; the ghoul boys are coming.”

“Back to Facebook, Jacob Weston said, I think that Jane actually did end up killing Red John. He stopped killing and then Jane disappears. You say that it's because Jane WAS Red John, but maybe it's because he KILLED Red John. Murder is still murder, and maybe there wasn't enough evidence to prove that it was actually Red John, so Jane ran away to escape guilty charges. Idk, just a theory #shitfish #loveyoughoulbois

“Now, this is a theory I can get behind,” Ryan said. “It makes a lot of sense, actually. The good guy getting justice, but disappearing because he doesn't want to be convicted for murder. Good on you, Jacob!”

“I really like this theory too! Jane—my guy!—got justice for his family and is still the good guy!” Shane raised his hands in the air excitedly. “I love it!”

“Yeah, and it's pretty plausible too, and goes along well with what little evidence we have,” Ryan said, ticking points off of his fingers. He smiled at the camera. “You're—you're a smart cookie, Jacob.”

“S—” Shane stifled a laugh and looked over to his co-host. “Smart cookie? What is this, the 1930s?”

“I—shut up, Shane!”

“No, no, it's okay; we can get dolled up and go out for some giggle juice, sounds keen!”

“Fuck off, Shane!”

“Back to Gram-town, cupcakeofawesomeness asked, what do you guys think of Patrick Jane's official Seven Suspects? Idk if you've seen it, it was recently leaked—our boi Jane had a list of seven people he thought could be RJ! It's v interesting #nottomentionalltheaforementionedsuspectsaredead👀 #screwoffryanpatrickjaneisinnocent #idontbelieveinghostsbutibelieveingodsoiguessimashitfish???” Shane laughed at the tags, then turned to Ryan. “Do you know anything about this official suspect list?”

“I only found out about that recently,” Ryan said, twirling his pen between his fingers. “It was leaked, like, the day after we filmed the ep.”

“Who are the suspects?”

“Let me pull it up...”

“Patrick Jane's Seven Suspects are as follows: Brett Partridge, the CBI's forensics leader; Bret Stiles, Visualize's founder; Thomas McAllister, the sheriff of Napa County; Gale Bertram, the director of the CBI; Reede Smith, an FBI agent; Raymond Haffner, a private investigator, Visualize member, former FBI and CBI agent; and Robert Kirkland, a Homeland Security agent,” Ryan read, squinting at his laptop screen. “According to this leaked information, one of Red John's followers—which is apparently a thing—let slip to Jane that he had shook RJ's hand at one point, so these suspects are narrowed down from everyone Jane had ever shaken hands with.” He looked over at Shane incredulously. “Patrick Jane is crazy.”

“Wow,” Shane said, staring at the computer in disbelief. “Yeah, that's... Either totally insane or just incredible.”

“Is it really a contest?”

“Wait, if the only crossover from Jane's suspects and your suspects is Bret Stiles...” Shane grinned. “That means he's Red John!”

“Are you saying that Jane is infallible or me?” Ryan laughed when Shane began to splutter. “Maybe it's someone else, like someone who would literally turn out to be the worst reveal ever.”

Shane snorted. “Yeah, like that Sheriff McAllister.” He raised his voice mockingly. “Wow, I shook hands with a member of law enforcement I've worked with who was doing his job, huh, must be Red John!” Ryan wheezed. “What evidence does Jane have on him? Just the hand thing?”

“Uh, to my knowledge, yes.” Shane wheezed now and Ryan added, “I mean, this is all leaked information and maybe not all of it was leaked out or maybe this is completely fake—but if we're talking about it, I actually like Raymond Haffner for it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah! I mean, it said he's a Private I, who is a member of Visualize, and used to work with the CBI and FBI—it seems like he has his hands in everything.”

“That's true, actually!” Shane said, eyebrows raised. “There any internet theories on him?”

“None with any real evidence,” Ryan said with a shake of his head. “I mean, even these more 'official' suspects, don't have much evidence on them.”

“Who does this guy think he is?” Shane exclaimed, leaning forward dramatically. “What, Red John, too good for evidence?”

“Yeah,” Ryan agreed with a snort. “Don't act all high and mighty, RJ—no one is too good for evidence!”

Another bout of laughter followed. 

“But in all seriousness if you know anything about Red John's identity, please report it to the proper authorities,” Shane added solemnly, staring at the camera. There was a snicker before the video cut to the next clip. 

“Going to YouTube, meridaaaaaa says, i thought you guys said rdj instead of rj and i was thoroughly confused, like, what did iron man do to you???” Shane threw his head back, chortling. “Merida—or should I say, Meridaaaaaa—I can only wish that were true.”

Ryan snickered, with an eyebrow raised. “Do you? Do you really?”

Shane looked thoughtful and said, “Yeah.” Ryan wheezed and Shane continued. “It'd be an interesting talking point and, hey—” He gave the camera a grin. “We'd know who Red John was.”

“But you want him to turn out to be Robert Downey Jr?”

Shane shrugged, looking over at another camera. “Sounds good to me.”

Ryan scoffed. “I'd rather him be unknown than be RDJ.”

“You—” Shane laughed. “You'd rather have another unsolved serial killer than have a goofy actor revealed as a killer and be detained, prevented from murdering anyone else?”

“I—” Ryan was cut off by his own wheezing. Shane gave the audience an exaggerated look of concern, only eliciting more giggles from his co-host. 

“This one comes from sandymontagsss on instagram, uh, Sandy says, patrick jane grew up in a circus.” Ryan looked over at his friend with a growing smile and, suppressing his wheezes, said, “That—that is literally all Sandy says.”

Shane allowed himself to guffaw at that. “And that's all Sandy wrote!” He wheezed, adding, “Is—is that even factual?”

“I have no idea.” Ryan laughed along with his taller counterpart. “I mean, uh, she seems pretty sure of herself. Just—” He stifled his laughter, leaning back with an air of confidence, miming a mic drop. “Patrick Jane grew up in a circus. Boom. There you go. Mystery solved.”

“I guess we can go home,” Shane said. “Sandy's done our job for us!”

“BuzzFeed's gonna hire Sandy instead of us.” They exchange faux fearful glances, before looking back at the cameras. “Oh shit.”

“What do we got coming up this week, Ryan?” Shane asked, leaning forward intently. 

“Nothing! That's the season finale of True Crime,” Ryan said with a wide grin. “It was a good season. But, uh, anyway, that does it for this episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved Postmortem. Make sure you watch the episode this Friday and send in your questions to Buzzfeed Unsolved facebook page, the Buzzfeed Unsolved instagram page, or comment on the video directly and you could be in the next postmortem.” He gives his co-host a side-eyed glance, squinting suspiciously. “Still no Hotdaga, right?”

“Not this week—”

“Thank God—”

“But it'll be back!” Shane winked at the camera. “Get ready. It's coming.”

“I'm overjoyed.” Ryan's deadpan sent Shane in a fit of giggles. A smile broke over his face and he stood up. “Okay, I'm done here. Let's go.”

 “All right.”