Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Izzy lay sweating.  Her heart pounded and her throat was dry, rasping breaths slowly calming as she came down from her third and final orgasm of their session.  She felt more relaxed than she had in six weeks, which was the last time she’d seen him, her close friend and fuck buddy, James Buchannan Barnes.

Bucky stood by the window of his bedroom in all his naked glory, perfectly rounded ass cheeks and cute lower-back dimples sheened in sweat as he leaned on the frame with his cigarette.  He never smoked next to her, and usually stepped fully out onto the lounge balcony but mere moments post-coitus and still very much bathed in afterglow he’d lifted the window and let in the most amazingly cool breeze.  He hadn’t even pulled the condom off before he lit his smoke.

Rule number four was firmly in effect; no displays of affection, kissing, cuddling, holding hands etc.  Bucky had no sooner finished when he rolled off her, letting her legs fall to the mattress, and scooped his smokes and lighter off the night stand.  He was trying to cut down but with the speed at which he reached for the comforting cancer sticks she could tell there was something on his mind.

“You got something you need to talk about after?”  Izzy said, swinging her shaky legs over the side of his bed.

“I’m good, doll.”  He sounded distant, not bothering to look her way.

“Cool.”  She nodded, a little sceptical but unwilling to challenge.  “Do you want the first shower?”

“You go ahead.”

It was part of their arrangement that if one of them needed to talk about personal things or friend things they didn’t mix it up with the sex.  Izzy called it ‘platonic mode’ and Bucky called it ‘conversations from the friend zone’.  Izzy smiled at his panache for the dramatic.  She ran the water and hopped into his shower/tub combo.

Bucky’s shower was crap.  The water pressure was weak and it felt like it took her forever to wash the soap off.  She didn’t usually wash her hair at his place but she’d sweated up a storm frantically hunting her last release today and she needed it.  His shampoo would have to do as she didn’t keep toiletries here, it was too personal and also a tell-tale sign to any visiting friends or potential partners that a member of the opposite sex regularly used the facilities.  Rule seven – keep it secret.

The handle on the door clicked, making Izzy still herself, waiting with bated breath.  Listening, she heard the soft padding of bare feet as Bucky entered the bathroom.  It wasn’t unusual for him to come in to take a leak while she showered, or to wash up but it was unusual for him to join her.

He slid the shower curtain back slowly, letting his gaze slide up over her soap-slicked body to her face.  He offered a cheeky and slightly apologetic smile as he glanced down to his cock, which was fully hard again, standing proud.

Izzy followed his eyes, as was his intention, sighing when she saw him.  Bucky had a pretty cock, long enough that she couldn’t get it all down her throat and wide enough that the tips of her fingers only just met when she grasped him.  He was a little veiny too, velveteen skin smooth over his rigid and slightly knobbled shaft.  His head was pronounced with a deep ridge below and was a deep dusky pink just like his lips.

“Get in here, Barnes.”  She said with a laugh.  It wasn’t a good idea to allow herself to think that she’d missed him, but she had.  He was one of her closest friends after all, how could she not miss him.  But that wasn’t what she meant and she knew it.

Bucky climbed in, crowding her against the cold wall where he dropped the blue foil packet of the skinless condom he favoured, onto the shower rack.

“Can’t get enough?”  She teased him when his face was awkwardly close to hers.  They both knew the rules, no kissing, but there had been times when he’d looked at her like he really wanted to and that did something wonderful deep down in her tummy.  This was one of those times.

“Apparently not.”  He smirked, sliding his hand up from its resting place on her hip to bury his fingers into her wet hair.

His mouth was on her neck in seconds as he ignored the water splashing directly in his face.  He licked and sucked gently at the erogenous zone beneath her ear, sending a fluttering of arousal through her body.  Grazing his teeth down her neck he nipped at the skin in the bowl of her clavicle before cupping her breast and delving down to bring her nipple to his lips, and sucking it inside.

“Jesus, you know how much I like it when you do that.”  Izzy moaned, still carefully choosing her words.  They both avoided the minefield of the other ‘L’ word; if it was never used when they fucked then it could never be misunderstood.

“I do.”

He grinned against her skin, nipple poised between his teeth as he applied more pressure.  When he repeatedly flicked the end of his tongue over the pinched nub she swore vilely, legs weakening dangerously fast.

“And I enjoy how easily it turns you into a soaking mess of gorgeousness.”  Bucky slid his free hand from his securing hold on her hip, down between her thighs to stroke his fingers across her labia. 

Izzy knew she was already wet.  Bucky had that effect on her, as soon as his lips were on her skin she practically melted.

“Fucking hell, Bella!”  He exclaimed with a groan.

She didn’t know why it surprised him every single time, but it did.  He was a fine one to talk with his ridiculous refractory period of… what was that?  Seven minutes?  Eight minutes?

Pushing a long finger inside, he watched her face as her eyes fluttered shut.  Hooking his finger into the soft front wall of her vagina he pulled and rubbed until her hips bucked against him.  The second finger opened her eyes and she watched him watching her, a rapt look of adulation on his face that made her want to cry.  He was beautiful, rich deep blue-grey eyes that were blown out in a lust-filled gaze, sharp cheekbones, chiselled jaw which was clean shaven, sumptuous lips with a perfect cupid’s bow.  Bucky had that James Dean hair style down pat but right now it was an adorably wet mess.

She leaned in, eyes moving between his and his perfect mouth.  Jesus, she wanted to kiss him but… rules.

As if sensing it coming he lent his forehead against hers, stopping the motion immediately.  He rubbed his thumb over her clit to distract her and bring her back to the pleasure she felt growing from where his fingers were buried between her legs.

Izzy looked down, tracing the tense muscles that ran from his shoulder, all the way down to his wrist and further down to where his hand was working her into a frenzy.

“James!”  She gasped as he sped up, pumping her ruthlessly until she clenched down hard and spasmed through a particularly intense but short-lived orgasm.  It was enough to make her gush and she couldn’t stop it.  “Ahh damn!”

Izzy tried to pull away, embarrassed but Bucky held her against him tightly, keeping her on her feet as her knees gave out momentarily.

“There it is.”  Bucky smoothed his cheek against hers.  “You won’t ever let me do that in the bed.”  He offered an devilish chuckle.

“You know that’s pee right?”

“Sure.”  He said, circling both nipples with his thumbs once she could stand again.  “It’s still hot though.”

When Izzy reached down to take hold of his cock, he lifted her hand away, resting it on his chest.  His black and grey tattoo of World War Two soldiers silhouetted against a cloudy sky with a field of bright red poppies in the foreground lay under her fingers.

“No fair.”  She pouted.

“It’s plenty fair.”  He pinned her with a look that said he was going to get what he wanted regardless of begging and tantrums.  “You called me for sex so it’s only fair that I do my job.”

“Oh…  Ahhh!”  She gasped when he pinched both nipples and rolled them between thumb and finger.  “I’d say… you did… your job… pretty well…. earlier.”  She moaned, speaking in broken sentences as he tugged the pleasure out of her with each pinching assault.

“Get the rubber.”  He groaned, moaning in tandem with her as if the mere sound of her pleasure was enough to bring him off.

She took an extra few seconds with the condom, taking the opportunity to slide her thumb around his tip and over his straining frenulum.  He pulled his hips back and gave her a chastising look.  He directed her and she turned as required, leaning back against him and feeling him incredibly hard resting right between her cheeks. 

She wasn’t sure when the desperate need to have him inside her again took hold but she found herself reaching behind and trying to guide him into her, tilting her hips to give him access.

“Not yet, sweetheart.”  Pet names were something they were supposed to steer clear of.  Just like when they fucked she would call him James instead of Bucky and he would call her Bella instead of Izzy, it lent an air of detachment.

She braced herself, legs slightly spread and both hands against the wall.  The thrill of anticipation was growing, she knew he was going to fuck her sore and she didn’t care.  Water splashed in her face as she waited for his touch but it seemed as if he was just watching her.  With a subtle shake of her hips she drew a sigh from him.

“Stop staring and fuck me.”

“Don’t worry darlin’, I won’t disappoint you.  I was just checking out all the things I’m not allowed to look at normally.”  He slapped and squeezed her butt before sliding his hands up over her hips and ribs to cup her breasts and squeeze.  “Your tits are amazing by the way.”

“James.”  She sighed as he pulled her to him, hands massaging her breasts while he ground himself against her ass.

She pushed back against him, letting him know she was getting impatient.  The tightly coiled spring of pleasure that he’d wound up in her was starting to loosen and she really didn’t want to lose such a glorious feeling.

His hand between her legs made her clench.  His fingers only skimmed between her lips briefly to help him guide himself inside, then she felt the slightly cool smoothness of his rubber sheathed cock seeking entrance.  Once he was pushing against her opening both hands went to her hips and he pushed himself slowly inside her with a sigh.

The condom snagged against her as he pushed in but it wasn’t bad.  Rubber always created more drag than skin and dried everything out faster too.  Lucky for her that she was always a little on the wetter side.

Seeming to sense that her thoughts weren’t quite with him, he shoved himself against her, hard.  Burying himself deep enough to knock her cervix slightly which made her gasp and clench around him tighter.

“Jesus, fuck, Bella.”  He moaned in her ear like a supplication for strength.

His lips grazed her jaw as he picked up the pace, pulling her back against him harder as he fucked her.  The satisfying slap of wet skin coming together almost drowned out her gasps and pleas for more.  Open mouthed kisses against her cheek and neck as he breathed ragged and uneven, desperately seeking to be deeper, fill her more, feel her completely lose it as she came.

She was close, every muscle clenched as she followed him where he led her.  The blinding hot tension just kept building and building until she couldn’t take it anymore.  She grabbed his hand and shoved it down to where they were joined.

Bucky knew what she needed and he happily obliged, pinching her clit just above the sensitive bud, and using the hood he stroked his pinching fingers down and back up.  It only took the one stroke for her to come undone and she cried out louder than either of them expected.

The wave of her orgasm coursed through her body like a tingling cascade of heat and intensity before settling as a pulsing and spasming pleasure around his cock.

He fucked her through it, grinning as he bit down gently on her shoulder.  He slowed but didn’t stop.

The water was getting cold and she reached to turn it off.

“Leave it.”  He rumbled, low, trailing his lips along her jaw again, dangerously close to her lips.  “Goosebumps are a great look on you.”

He pinched her nipples playfully.  They were cold, hard and aching to the point of discomfort but she arched her back, pushing her breasts into his hands, needing more warmth from him, and more friction.

“You want me to carry on?”  He asked, knowing she’d say yes.  Rule number five – both of them had to get off.

Izzy nodded, pushing back against him as he lazily ground into her.  She lifted one foot onto the side of the tub, opening herself up to him and he obliged by angling himself deeper, pushing the tip of his cock right over her g-spot.

“Fuck!”  She twitched.

He did it again, and again, and again.

“Oh god, James!”

“Yeah, you want more of that, huh?”

Izzy nodded, her eyes rolling as she arched her back and leant her head back against his shoulder.  Bucky felt glorious and soon she was coming for the third time in the shower but the sixth time that day.  He held her against him for a moment, caressing her as she shook and spasmed, coming down from the latest high.

Bucky always felt great to her. The way every part of him seemed to fit against every part of her.  No lover she’d ever been with had satisfied her the way he did.  Of course she had feelings for him, how could she not, despite their rule that stated otherwise.  She made that damn rule.  It was just unfortunate that he didn’t feel the same, so she quashed the feelings and just got on with it, living in the moment each time they were together.

“You really need to come soon or you’re going to kill me.”  She laughed, breathy and light.

“If that’s what you want.”  He murmured against her ear, reaching to shut off the now freezing cold water.  “Turn around.”

When Izzy saw his face, her stomach twisted.  His eyes were so dark, roving over her whole body, from the angry blush on her face to her reddened and painfully erect nipples, and her quivering thighs.  He looked almost proud of himself.  He knew he’d wrecked her and he was unrepentant.

“Last one, I promise.”  He leant in with a grin, to whisper into the wet hair plastered over her ear.

The way Bucky cradled her was so tender, one arm around her waist while the other hooked behind her knee, lifting her leg to give him better access.  He slid in without guidance, causing her eyes to flutter shut for the umpteenth time.  Their joint sighs felt like home to her and she let herself be swept away in the slow grind of his hips.

Izzy clung to him, shuddering gasps exhaled into the crook of his neck as he oh-so-slowly broke her down until she was nothing but a weak and shaking mess in his arms.

“Hey,” he crooned, voice soft.  “Look at me.”

It was more a request than an instruction, and she did, her eyes finding his.  Her heart dropped in her chest, a shuddering half-sob escaping her throat.  He looked beautiful, face a mixture of concentration and rapture.

“Stay with me.”  He moaned lightly, eyes flickering as he almost lost control.  “I need you here with me.”

“I’m here.”  She sighed as her stomach fluttered and she throbbed around him in a particularly intense pre-orgasm spasm.

He rested his forehead against hers, eyes locked, jaw slack as he thrust slow and deep.  Each stroke pushed her closer and before long she was clinging to him on the precipice of oblivion.  Her delicate moans had become throaty and his had deepened to match.  The rhythm of his thrusts slightly off as he watched her come undone.  Her eyes began to close.

“Please Bella, I need you with me.”  His hoarse plea sent a shot straight down to where he was buried deep.  “I need to see you.”

“Oh goddddd!”  She tipped over the edge so smoothly she wasn’t sure exactly what was happening.  The orgasm rolled through her as a warm wave of constant intensity, spreading with each contraction of her walls and each of his meticulously slow thrusts.

He grunted, a moan catching in his throat before he let out the breath he’d been holding.  Half laughing in disbelief, his eyes never left her face as he drew her through her pleasure with his own. 

The twitching of his cock faded but he continued to grind into her all the while she spasmed around him.  He dropped her leg when she relaxed and slid his hand up to her face, pressing his lips to her forehead he held her there, both of them shaking.  The warmth that spread through her was more than just after glow.  It had been so personal, so romantic.  The way he’d made her feel, the way he’d locked their eyes together, keeping her with him all the way through.

Suddenly she was angry.

“What the hell was that?!”  She snapped, pushing him away and slipping in the tub.

He caught her, of course, frantic eyes searching her face for a clue as to why she was so pissed.  His mouth tried to form the word ‘what?’ but his throat wouldn’t let the sound come out.

“What the fuck, Bucky!”  She scrambled out of the tub, snatching her arm from his hand as soon as she’d cleared the porcelain.

How dare he!  Was he trying to toy with her feelings?  Getting so personal, so close.  He’d never done that before, it was always just sex, no making love.  So what was that then?

Fuck!

Izzy dressed quickly, her skin still damp and her legs weak.  She shook all over as she stumbled into her jeans, her wet hair soaking the shoulders of her top.  It was already sticking to her skin anyway so what did a little more water matter.

Bucky emerged hurriedly with a towel around his waist.  His face was flushed and he wore a pained expression.

“Bella, please.”  He begged but when she shot him a furious look he reverted to her preferred name.  “Izzy?  Talk to me.”

Izzy’s glare would have wilted roses.

“What did I do?”  He looked lost, and there was a small piece of her that felt guilty for reacting so strongly but he had to know he’d broke a rule, a fucking big one!

“Rule eight, Buck.”  She exasperated.  “Rule fucking eight.”

Of all the rules that they had set, rule eight was one of the big ones, no making love and no sleepovers.  It was there to make sure that rule three never happened; don’t catch feelings.

Fuck!

Izzy had always had a bit of a problem with her feelings about Bucky, she’d liked him since they were kids living next door to one another, but she’d managed to keep them under wraps because he’d always only been her friend.  Now, the feelings burned like the blush on her cheeks and she’d have to bury herself in work to forget about him for a while.

Fuckfuckfuck!

He knew.  He fucking knew what he’d done, too.  As soon as she’d said it his face fell.  He reached out to her but she slapped his hand away.  Lost for anything to say he simply swallowed and nodded, a glum expression settled on his normally light visage.  It was a face that said he knew he might not see her for a while, until she calmed down.

Izzy left Bucky’s apartment, her frown firmly in place until she reached the elevator where the tears came, filling her eyes enough for her to feel like she was drowning but never spilling over.  After six weeks of litigation on a case that had seen her traveling all over the world, she’d come home to Brooklyn and sought Bucky out.  She’d missed him and the tension in her had been like steel until he’d closed the door of his apartment and she saw the sexy smirk he wore.

Mother-fuck!

This was her long weekend before going back to work and picking up her regular case load, she’d wanted to blow off some steam and enjoy herself, now she’d be cancelling all her plans that involved seeing Bucky, crying-off citing excuses of work and tiredness.  All because he couldn’t resist teasing her with her own feelings.

He’d never been that cruel, and he definitely had to know she’d always liked him, everyone else did for fuck sake.  She knew she couldn’t have him though, he’d never so much as waivered when it came to romance with her, even after they became friends with benefits.  It was like he was impervious.  So why rub it in her face now?

Fuckity-fuckfuckfuck!

Chapter Text

Bucky Barnes and Stevie Rogers lived on the same street when they were kids.  Six doors down on opposite sides.  Their families had moved in on the same day and, at eight years old, they became inseparable.  Playing out in the street with all the other kids, getting into trouble.  Where you would find one, the other was sure to be nearby.  They were, and still are, best friends.

Izzy Freeman and her family moved in a couple of months later, right next door to the Barnes’ (which was Bucky, his mother Dolores and his grandpa Joe), and she quickly became part of their club.  They called themselves The Marvellous Three and would play imaginary games of good against evil with the other local kids.  Although none were ever as close as the three of them were.

Stevie made the gang so he was the boss.  He had this battered old trashcan lid that he painted with the star spangled banner, and a beat up old wooden toy sword.  Bucky had a plastic toy gun that had once made a ra-ta-ta-ta noise when he pulled the trigger but that hadn’t worked right since a week after he got it, so he made his own noises.  And Izzy, she was the coolest one of the three, she had a catapult that really worked.  They would hang out in the field at the end of the street and pelt stones at rusty old beer cans and clouded glass bottles they had lined up in the dirt.

Old memories fondly remembered.

Growing up poor in Brooklyn wasn’t easy at times.  Bucky remembered being fourteen and having to save his pocket money for three months just to go to the Summer Fairground down by Jamaica Bay.  It was only there for a week in the school holidays and his mother had allowed him to go, stating that he’d have to save up himself, do chores around the house, earn his pocket money.  So he had, saving all of his $2 a week.  It wasn’t much but at least he’d be able to go with Stevie and Izzy, and actually go on some rides, maybe buy a hotdog.

Izzy’s dad drove them and said he’d pick them up at 7 o’clock.  They had freedom, a bit of cash and each other, what could go wrong? 

Turns out that plenty of things could go wrong, and Bucky found himself in a scuffle with a much older boy who wanted to steal his game tokens.  The sensible thing to do would be to give up the tokens, but Bucky decided to fight.  He’d planned on winning enough tokens to trade in for a cute white dog plushie to give to Izzy, but rather than give in and save himself a beating he’d fought, scrapping in the mud with a boy much bigger and stronger than he was.  That was the thing about Bucky, he was thick-headed and stubborn.

Stevie was scrawny back then, Bucky was short and Izzy was just a girl.  The Marvellous Three against maybe ten older teens was never going to end well.

Bucky scrapped with the kid for what felt like ages, but you know how it is with time and adrenaline, everything slows and you feel like time is treacle; viscous and pensive.  He gave as good as he got, for a smaller kid he was fast and determined.

The other kids held Stevie back to make sure he didn’t intervene but left Izzy because girls don’t fight boys.  Only Izzy wasn’t your average run-of-the-mill girl, she was one of them and therefore different.  She stood apart from them, out of the way, watching as Bucky fought.  Later she’d tell him that she knew he could win so she didn’t step in but when the other boys saw he was getting the upper hand on their friend they joined in the fight.  Totally unfair.

Izzy had a few small pebbles in her pocket and her catapult; she always carried them even when Stevie had out grown his love of that trashcan shield and Bucky’s toy gun was long broken.  The first stone struck one of the boys in the leg – he cried out in confusion, searching for the source.  Izzy had quickly pelted the rest of the stones into the group, dissuading some of them from joining in.  Seeing that she was out of ammo, one of the boys went for her.

Bucky thought he remembered seeing that happen but he couldn’t be sure it was his own memory or one made from them discussing the events afterward.  Either way he was being kicked and punched all over, a pretty bad beating considering they were just kids, and she was about to get a beating herself.

Izzy had a roll of pennies and a bag of boiled sweets which she was prepared to use as ammunition, so she did, loading the cherry-flavoured round and firing at the oncoming boy’s head.  There was blood and a busted lip for him, and they’d later learn he’d lost a tooth too.

She burned through the candy and started on the pennies which was dangerous and they all knew it.  The coins had been for the arcade machines but there was no chance of them staying to play those after this.

Finally, Stevie was free and the main bulk of the other kids backed away.  The big kid was on the ground and Bucky was standing over him with a bloodied face and bloody knuckles.  They separated and dispersed.  The marvellous Three had won fair and square.

Looking at Izzy then, her skin flushed and a fire in her eyes, Bucky decided that he loved her.  A fourteen year old’s crush turned to something much deeper than a nervous fluttering in the chest; Bucky burned for her.  He didn’t know exactly what it all meant but he felt it and knew he’d always be hers.

By the end of that summer, Stevie was going through a phase where he wanted to be called Ste and Bucky was starting a growth spurt that made his bones itch and ache.  He followed suit with Ste, choosing to be called Jimmy because Bucky was too childish and James was too old.  Izzy was still Izzy though she began to change also, in not too subtle ways that both boys noticed more than they let on.

There was one discussion that Bucky remembered where he and Steve had confessed to each other that they had a crush on her.  Bucky understated his feelings and he didn’t know about Steve but they made a pact that they wouldn’t pursue her unless she made a choice for herself – if she did, no hard feelings and if she didn’t then the status quo would remain.

After high school two of the Marvellous Three went to college.  Izzy wanted to be a lawyer and Steve (now over his Ste phase) wanted to be in law enforcement.  Bucky couldn’t help feel that Steve had chosen a law related course to curry favour with Izzy, but she never treated either of them any differently than she always had.  Her and Steve were close but she would always laugh more with Bucky, so they were even in his eyes.

Bucky, who was still in the midst of his Jimmy phase, took an engineering apprenticeship that at the time was just a means to an end – a job that paid and didn’t require a whole bunch of sterling grades or qualifications.  He was a smart kid but lacked the ambition to do better, he was easily distracted and always seemed to find trouble.

At the end of their final college year, Bucky passed his apprenticeship and became officially employed.  Steve and Izzy had both finished their final exams so they all went to an end-of-college house party to celebrate.

He would never forget that night because the next day was when everything changed for him.

Izzy looked amazing in her spaghetti-strap summer dress and ballerina pumps.  The hem of the dress moved lightly as she walked, touching her sun-kissed skin a few inches above her knees.  Her slender arms were bared and her graceful was neck exposed by her softly arranged up-do.  To Bucky she’d never been more beautiful.

He remembered the nerves in his gut when he’d seen Steve flirting and then kissing a girl from his criminal law class.  Though they’d both dated girls in college, neither of them had ever thought twice about their ‘Izzy pact’, until Bucky had, right then.  Steve had pretty much gotten over his crush but Bucky, well, Bucky was never getting over Izzy.  Never.

They danced and drank, talked and laughed all night.  Everything about her was effortless, she was perfect, like a doll, and that’s where that pet name began.

She laughed and attacked him with tickling fingers when he first called her that, play fighting on the sofa before settling back in a tangle of limbs and shared laughter.  He’d snapped a picture of them together then, her breathless with a mischievous glint in her eyes, him looking like he was drowning in his love for her.  It would be a photo he’d keep forever.

At the end of the night, waiting for their taxi home to their neighbouring houses, emboldened by booze and the warm glow of her skin he’d asked her out on a date.

“Ask me tomorrow.”  She’d smiled ruefully and squeezed his hand.

It wasn’t ‘no’ but it wasn’t ‘yes’ either.  He couldn’t deny the lost and empty feeling that wrenched his insides.  Was she telling him that because she thought he was drunk and didn’t mean it?  Or was it because he was drunk and she hoped he’d forget?  Maybe she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

He’d just nodded and tried to distract himself by looking for Steve.  He was just about to text him when a message came through saying ‘Don’t wait up’.  Looked like Steve was getting his end away that night, lucky fucker.

The next day, slightly hung-over, Bucky had knocked on Izzy’s door.  Mrs Freeman answered and invited him in.  There was a buzz about the place, intense excitement charged the air.

Izzy came practically tumbling down the stairs and into his arms where she hugged him tighter than she ever had.  Bucky felt his heart swell, thinking she’d remembered what he’d asked her the night before, and her answer was ‘yes’ after all.

He wound his arms around her waist and pulled her to him, burying his face in her neck.  Her soft hair caressed his cheek as he inhaled deeply.  She smelled amazing, she always smelled amazing, fresh and clean with a delicate musk underlying it all that was the natural scent of her skin.

She pulled back and looked at him with a huge grin.  Bucky grinned back, tucking her hair behind her ear tenderly.  His eyes searching hers in disbelief that this thing he’d hoped for since he was that fourteen-year-old boy with a fat lip and bloodied knuckles, could actually be his.  That she could actually be his.

“I got into Berkeley!”  She said gleefully, throwing her arms around him again.

It was a curious feeling.  Having your heart ripped out at the same time as pride bloomed in your chest.  Bucky felt like he was dying.  There was no air, he struggled for breath and his eyes prickled.  His gut ached and he felt sick, like really sick, but he had to smile.  And he did, he smiled big, letting the tears that formed in his eyes seem like tears of joy.  He told her she’d done great and that he was so happy for her, he wasn’t lying, he wanted her to have all of her dreams come true.  But those dreams would take her away from him, to another state, for years.  Years!

His brain ran the scenarios.  Christmas, Easter, summer, that’s when he’d see her.  He could make trips to visit, and he would, spending days driving his motorcycle to California just to spend a few hours with her if he couldn’t afford the flights.  He already knew he wouldn’t be able to afford the flights, it would be just like being a kid and having to save his pocket money up to go the Jamaica Bay Fairground all over again.  Only this time he’d be saving months and months of wages to visit the girl of his dreams in another part of the country.  Two days drive.  That’s how far away she’d be.  Two days with no rest.  His heart broke in half.

Early September.  That was when term started.  Bucky had seven weeks left with her and then she’d be gone.  He sat on the front steps of his mom’s place that night, contemplating life without Izzy.  He couldn’t ask her to stay, wouldn’t ask.  He wouldn’t be that selfish.  But he knew he couldn’t stay in this place without her.  Three years, four years?  And Steve, he’d be going away too, Bucky just wasn’t sure where yet.  He felt like his life was falling to pieces in his hands.  He never had much anyway but he always had them.  Not anymore.

The next morning, after a night of soul searching and tears, Bucky enlisted in the Army.

That summer was one of the most difficult times of his life.  Holding onto such heartache, keeping it locked away so as not to mar the time he had left.  It was an impossible task.

One week after enlisting in the Army he told Steve.  He couldn’t bring himself to tell Izzy yet but he had to tell someone.  Steve was his best friend, his first real friend, one of the only two he kept through his whole life growing up.

Steve understood.  He was sad, yes, but supportive.  Maybe a couple of years away, focusing on other things would straighten Bucky out.  They’d see each other whenever they both had leave.  Steve was enrolling in the FBI training program here in New York, with an intensive training secondment down in Quantico, Virginia.  His academic course was three years long, including the twenty weeks he’d spend down in Quantico.  It was certainly better than California.

The following week, Bucky showed up on Izzy’s doorstep.  She’d been texting him to come over but he’d purposefully ignored her.  She said she needed to talk to him about something and he was both excited and full of dread.

She seemed happy when she let him in, and they’d went into the den – there were no boys allowed in her room.  Maybe this would be good news after all.  He was so lost in the scenarios running through his head that he didn’t register her staring at him.

“You got something you want to say?”  She asked, taking him completely by surprise.

His mind immediately went to Steve.  That little rat couldn’t keep his mouth shut.  Bucky’s temper had bubbled.  He flared his nostrils in annoyance.

“I do, actually, doll.”  His heart hammered in his chest, the nickname, the news he was about to confess, it all had him dialled up to ten on the stress scale.

Izzy smiled sweetly, a glimmer of something alluring right there in her eyes.

“I enlisted in the army, Izzy.  I leave in two weeks.”

Her face fell, and right then he knew Steve had kept his promise.  Tears welled up in her eyes and her chin gave that cute wobble it did when she was trying to hold back a sob.  She didn’t ask why, she just nodded, hastily swiping away the tears that had just started to spill past her lower lashes.

The way she stood, pulling the sleeves of that horrifically baggy cardigan over her hands, nervously tugging at the weave, broke his heart.  What was he supposed to do?  She was going away, leaving him.  She didn’t even know what it meant or what it would do to him and she never would.  He’d keep it to himself to spare her.  Their friendship meant more to him than anything else and he decided right then that he would do absolutely anything to keep her in his life, but right now he was all kinds of fucked up.

This army thing was just to straighten him out, like Steve said, it would be something new to take his mind off everything.  He’d stay in touch, keep their friendship alive, and hopefully they’d reconnect on the other side.  He just couldn’t be here, in Brooklyn with all the memories of her and not have her here.

Izzy plucked an envelope from the telephone table and wordlessly handed it to him.  It was opened and addressed to Isabella Freeman from the University of Yale, Connecticut.

“What’s this?”  He asked.  Numbness stealing over him.

“Read it.”  Her voice was thick with emotion, but it wasn’t the happy kind that had lightly bubbled from her lips when he’d first arrived.

“Dear Isabella,” he read aloud.  “As the admissions officer responsible for your area, I would like to offer my personal congratulations on your acceptance to the Yale College class of 2008…”

His voice cracked as he fully understood what this meant.  She wasn’t leaving him, he was leaving her.  She would only be two hours drive away from their home but him… He was going to Missouri.

Bucky’s hands were shaking as he clutched the letter.  His mouth was dry and he worked his throat wordlessly to try to say something, anything.  Finally he coughed, clearing his throat.

“This is great news.”  He said, offering her the most genuine smile he could.  He was happy that she’d gotten into the best law school in the country, ecstatic that she was able to pursue her dreams, but singularly mortified that he had fucked this up so badly.  “Have you told Steve yet?”

She shook her head solemnly, her eyes swam with tears she just stared at him.

“He’s gonna freak the fuck out!”  Bucky jumped up with a forced smile, deciding that these last two weeks with her were going to be the happiest they’d ever had.  “He might even do ‘the dance’.”

Her hesitant laughter was a balm on the aching emptiness within.  His soul was practically keening its lament. Two weeks.  Fourteen days to enjoy themselves before The Marvellous Three would be broken up and scattered on the winds.

Bucky wanted to lie to Steve and Izzy about his flight time.  He wanted to tell them to meet him at the house at 8am when in reality his flight left LaGuardia airport at 8am, but he couldn’t do it.  It would be the last time for a long time he’d see either of them.  The ripping out of what was left of his heart was worth one last look at both of their smiling faces.  The last time in who knew how long that The Marvellous Three would be together.

“Please stay safe.”  Izzy said, her lips brushing his ear as she hugged him fiercely.  Drawing back she kissed him on the cheek, the corners of their mouths overlapping, lingering there overlong.  Suddenly she was gone and turning away to hide her tears.  She couldn’t bare to watch him leave so she fled, a sob breaking loose as she hurried away.

“Don’t die, punk.”  Steve hugged him forcefully as he reeled from Izzy’s departure.

“You too, jerk.”  Bucky patted his back firmly.  “I’ll be seeing you.”  He stiffened, swallowing hard.

“See you at the end of the line, Buck.”

“The end of the line…”  He gave Steve a half-hearted salute before taking a deep breath and one last look at his friend.

Chapter Text

As far as farewells go, it was horrific.  It was all he could do not to break down when Izzy had left him like that, so he just shut himself down and let himself be carried numbly through the airport process.

The flight was a couple of hours but it felt like mere minutes.  Bucky just stared out of the window, looking at the clouds below.  He didn’t really think of anything in particular, he’d already locked down his emotions so there was no point in dwelling on things.  The plane was full of recruits heading to Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri, same as him, and he didn’t want anyone’s first impression of him to be a weeping mess.

The first couple of weeks were hard.  Not just the physical side, but the being alone, that was harrowing at first.  Sure, he wasn’t really alone, he was never really alone but he was lonely.  Eleven years of being part of The Marvellous Three, always having them there with him, even if it was just at the end of the phone.  He didn’t know what it was exactly but something about this felt final.  Like when he got back, things would never be the same.

One night in the second week, Steve called him.  After all his training sessions and his evening meal, he’d settled into his bunk and stared up at the ceiling until his phone rang.

“How you settling in?”  he asked.

“It’s not bad.”  Bucky said, making his Brooklyn accent thicker to make himself feel more at home.  “I mean it ain’t The Ritz.”

They both chuckled.  It was good to hear his voice, even though it had only been a couple of weeks since he’d last seen him, Bucky was grateful of the chance to talk to his best friend.

“Is Izzy there with you?”  Bucky didn’t know if he hoped she was or hoped she wasn’t.

“Nah.”  Steve sighed.  “She’s been at home all day with her mom, baking something.”

Bucky’s heart felt heavy.  He missed her and would have killed to hear her voice but at the same time he didn’t think he could talk to her and not tear up.

“Baking?  She doesn’t bake.”

“I know.”  Steve snorted.  “I think it’s meant to be a distraction.  The local church is having a coffee morning tomorrow.  I bet you’re sad you’re missing that.”

“Maybe I am.”  He laughed.

“Did you tell her?  Before you left, I mean?”

“Tell her what?”

“That you’re in love with her.”

“C’mon Steve.”  Why was Steve breaking his balls like that?  “I came here to get over that stuff.”

“So, you’re giving her up?”

“Is that what you called me for?  To find out if our pact was still in place or to see if the path was clear for you?”

“What if I did?  Would you care?”

Bucky sighed.  This was so fucked up.

“Nah, man.  Knock yourself out.”  He pinched the bridge of his nose hard enough to make it throb.  “I kinda hoped you’d just called because you’re my best friend and wanted to check up on me.”

“I did.  I am.”  Steve said.  “I just wanted to see where your head was at.”

“Sure, sure.”

“I don’t have feelings for Izzy.  You should know that.  Not anymore.”

“Then why ask?”

“I was hoping you’d at least be honest about it, just this once.”

Bucky couldn’t help but laugh bitterly.

“You didn’t see her, man.”  Steve sounded far away.

“I saw enough.”  The memory of her kiss goodbye, her expression of anguish, her tears, the harrowing sob as she fled.  Oh, yeah, he saw plenty.

There was silence on the line which stretched a couple of seconds out into what felt like minutes.

“Hey, listen, I should go.”  Bucky said.  “I don’t know whether I’m supposed to have open contact during training and someone just came in here so I’ll talk to you when I can, ok?  Tell Izzy I’m good, or tell her you didn’t talk to me, either way it won’t matter.”

They said their goodbyes and Bucky turned over on his bunk, hugging himself for comfort.  He was alone in the room and hated lying to Steve but he couldn’t carry on that conversation, it was too painful.  Sure, Izzy would miss him, just like he would miss Steve.  But for Bucky, being without Izzy was like having a hole in his chest that would never be filled.

She’d pretty much turned him down when he asked her out.  Pact be damned he’d went for it and failed.  He was her friend only and he had a lot of work to do to get himself to a point where he could be that friend for her, and not want anything else.  The distance between them now would help.

The next eight weeks were numbing.  Everything was so much more physical, and also mentally draining.  Up at dawn, drills, weapons training, endurance training, not to mention his additional engineer’s training.  He fell into his bunk each night exhausted.  It became easier and easier to forget.

He spoke to Izzy once and Steve twice in that time.  With both of them he just stuck to the facts; what training was like, what the food was like, what the people were like, the things he liked best and the things he hated.  Izzy told him about college, she was doing well.  She didn’t tell him she was dating a guy from her class, he had to hear that from Steve.  It hurt but not as much as it would have weeks ago.  He felt like he was growing.  Growing up, growing as a person, growing apart from his friends.

After that gruelling eight weeks, Bucky passed basic training and moved onto advanced training.  It was tougher and more mentally taxing.  He threw everything he had at it.

For Christmas he was able to go home.  He had one week leave but after seeing Izzy with Damien, smug bastard Damo, he cut his leave short and went back two days early.  His New Year would be spent how he meant to carry on the next year; by himself and working his ass off to rid himself of his unrequited feelings.

Bucky ploughed his way through all the training he was required to pass, and became a full fledged combat engineer; a sapper.  He skipped his leave frequently and when he couldn’t he wouldn’t go home, he’d go somewhere else instead, anywhere he could that was different.  Once a month he gave himself a day where he’d get in contact with everyone, it was usually the first of every month.

His mom, Steve and Izzy always picked up the phone, like they were always waiting for him to call.  Even when he was on mission, he’d find a way to call.  The routine kept him connected but distant enough that he could just focus on what he needed to do.

“I miss you.”  Izzy said to him when he called her on her birthday.

“I know.”  Was all he could say back.  He had to be distant, for his own benefit. Couldn’t’ let the feelings back in.

“Will you visit when you next get leave?  I feel like I haven’t seen you all year.”

It had in fact been one year, three months and nine days, but who was counting.

“I’ll try.”  Was all he offered.

And try he did, showing up at his Mom’s place for two days only.  It was just enough time to see everyone but not enough time to get comfortable again.  He decided he could manage more visits like those.

Missions in the middle east were crappy.  He hated it, not because of being shot at all the damn time, or even the shitty facilities.  It was the heat.  He was always sweaty.  Sand and dirt got into all the equipment, into your boots and even into your ass crack.  The only good thing was the level of focus required of him.  He barely had time to think about meals let alone personal shit.

Bucky wrote his Mom often, knowing full well that she’d probably have Steve and Izzy over to read his letters out loud together.  They both still answered the phone, every single time he called.

By the end of his second year in the army, Bucky had himself a reputation as a bit of a badass.  There was nothing he couldn’t fix, no situation he couldn’t handle, flawless detonations, only successes on his sheet.  They called him The Winter Soldier because he was ice cold, calculating and cool in all situations, no matter the heat or the heat.  Grandpa Joe would have been proud of him.

Joseph James Buchannan was his mother’s father, WW2 survivor, and his namesake.  The man had been Bucky’s role model all his life; fearless yet compassionate, kind yet firm, funny yet responsible; strong yet gentle.  He was all the things Bucky hoped to be.  The remembrance tattoo he recently got on his left pectoral was for the man whose love shaped Bucky’s early life.  Sadly he had died when Bucky was only twelve but he remembered the man like he’d known him all his life.  Lest we forget.

Time is funny in a way.  It slips by when you don’t want it to but sticks like grit in the gears when you want nothing but its hasty passage.  Turns out that four years wasn’t all that long when you were as busy as Bucky was.  He volunteered for every mission he could, learned everything he was allowed to learn.  At the end of his service agreement he left the army as Engineer Sergeant James Buchannan Barnes.

Some things about him felt different, were different.  But at the same time he was still that same boy from Brooklyn who catapulted stones at bottles in the dirt with his two closest friends.

He would have been lying to himself if he had said he wasn’t nervous to be going home.  All the leave he’d given up had dropped his inactive service requirement down to zero; he was free and clear of the army if he wanted to be.

On the plane home for the last time he was restless.  Niggling doubts in his head.  Would Steve still want to spend time with him?  Would Izzy?  At least he didn’t have to worry about a job.  Before he’d even left Fort Leonard Wood he was offered a job in his Uncle Tony’s bar, Stark’s Penthouse.  Sure, he knew his Mom had pestered Tony until he gave in but it was good to have something to start off with.  He didn’t even know what he wanted to do.  He wasn’t even sure what his qualifications amounted to out there in the real world, not that the army wasn’t the real world but things certainly worked differently.

Walking through the security doors into the arrivals hall at LaGuardia had been nerve racking.  He was equal parts nervous and excited.  His Mom had insisted on meeting him off the plane and he knew she’d cry when she saw him.  What he hadn’t expected was to see both Steve and Izzy there waiting for him.

Bucky had no sooner passed the barrier than he had his arms full of Izzy.  She was squeezing him so tight he could barely breathe but when he did was acutely aware of two things.  The first was that the last four years spent trying to get over her had been futile.  The second was that he would never not love this woman.

Sweet Jesus, she smelled amazing.  He breathed deeply, face buried in her hair, her warm breath on his neck sending tingles down his spine.  She was laughing with joy right in his ear, drowning out even the hammering of his own pulse.

Soon Steve joined them, huge arms wrapping around them both.  Steve had really bulked up, now he was like a fucking superhero.  Bucky was bigger and stronger too but it was all functional muscle, Steve looked like he’d been on roids for four years.  Bucky couldn’t help but laugh.

Pulling away from his friends, he dashed to his mom who was waiting behind the railing with a huge smile on her face.  Bucky picked her up and spun her around.

“I missed you, ma.”  He kissed her on the cheek fiercely.  “So, what did I miss?”

Turned out he had missed quite a lot.

Steve was now employed by the FBI and, although he couldn’t say too much about the cases he was working on, he was happy.  Steve was always the one to do the right thing, moral, virtuous, good.  He seemed to get a sense of fulfilment from his job which few people can say they have.  Bucky was proud of him.

Izzy had been taken on by a Manhattan law firm on a trial basis where she specialised in white collar crime.  She too was happy.  The excitement with which she talked about the work she was doing was infectious and Bucky found himself rapt, not just by her passion but by the woman she had become in his absence.  Confident and exuberant, at twenty-four, she had grown so much from that nineteen-year-old girl he’d left behind.  Now she was radiant and beautiful on a whole other scale, it wasn’t just her ways that had grown, she had developed a knock-out body to go with it.  He was already drowning in rekindled love by the end of his first day back and that was before he added lust on top of it.  She was single now though, citing being too busy with her career to deal with man-drama, so that was at least something.  Bucky was happy she’d ditched Damien; he was an asshole.

Bucky learned from his mom that his biological father had passed away recently; heart attack.  He couldn’t’ feel sad about it having never known the man, but it seemed to have struck Dolores deep.  His mom had once loved the man who had beat her and left her while she was pregnant with their child.  Thankfully she’d stayed away from him and raised her child as a single parent with the help of her father, the amazing man, Bucky’s grandpa Joe.

Dolores had already cried her tears long ago for Bucky’s father but knowing he was gone from this world with no possibility of any further closure, she had lost a little piece of herself.  It was true what they said that when you love someone they will always carry a piece of your heart with them.  In Bucky’s mom’s case, that piece had gone to the grave with Charles Barnes.

A door closed on part of his life then.  Like Dolores, he too had no further chance of closure with the man who had helped give him life.  Part of Bucky wished he’d made a point of seeking the man out, going just to show him that he’d succeeded in making something of his life; Engineer Sergeant Barnes had a nice ring to it.  But once you’d avoided contact for so many years it became easier to let it slide for the rest.  Now it was too late, but Bucky wasn’t cut up about it, it was just a passing thought he had that maybe he wanted to smugly say to the man ‘we didn’t need you anyway’.

Chapter Text

Working the bar at The Penthouse, or Stark’s as he preferred to call it, was alright as far as jobs went.  He’d been there three years and a couple of months already and he practically ran the place.  Uncle Tony had semi-retired, stomach ulcers and a dodgy ticker making it difficult for him to keep up these days.  Bucky didn’t mind, he enjoyed the challenge of running the busy bar and grill.

He’d managed to get Tony to agree to swap out the neon ‘Penthouse’ facia for a hand finished brass one against a weathered dark wood back that Bucky had finished himself.  The whole thing was lit from above, giving it a cosy homely feel.  The sign now read ‘Stark’s Bar & Grill’ and sat much better with the feel of the inside than the gawdy red neon ever had.

When you saw the neon coupled with the name you expected a seedy club with sticky floors and scantily clad staff, but in reality you walked in to a friendly atmosphere, comfy informal seats, dark woods and soft lighting, good music, good beer and good food.  That had never changed about Stark’s but now that the outside reflected the inside, Bucky found that the type of clientele was changing for the better.  No more rude and pretentious sleezeballs coming in to pick up an easy lay.  No more having to escort drunk assholes off the premises because they got handsy with the waitresses.  No more clearing up needles and swiping for drugs residue on the toilet paper dispensers.  Much less stress, and much more enjoyment at work.

Bucky was happy.  Well, as happy as he could be when he saw Izzy walking in late one Friday night on the arm of some lawyer douchebag.  They were all douchebags to him no matter how nice they were, how well they treated her or how honourable they seemed, Bucky always internalised how much he disliked them.  Outwardly he was his usual charming self, happy-go-lucky, funny, supportive.  If this was the only way he could have Izzy in his life then he’d take it.  He’d take anything for her.

“Hey you!”  She said, leaning on the bar, smiling big, already half cut.  She’d had several drinks already by the look of her glowing cheeks.

“Hey, hey!”  He smiled, basking in the glow of her happiness.  “Night on the town tonight?”  Bucky glanced over her shoulder to see the back of the man she’d walked in with as he made his way to the restroom.

“Yeah, Brad took me out tonight.  We’re celebrating.”

Her joy was contagious, and Bucky couldn’t help but feel happy for her even if there was a thread of sadness woven through his mirroring emotions.

“Oh, so that’s the infamous Brad?”  Bucky nodded appraisingly.  Izzy had mentioned him before and from what he had seen, Brad looked like your average run-of-the-mill lawyer type, crisp suit, neat hair, manicure, overconfident, boring.  “What’s the occasion?”

Izzy and Brad had been seeing each other for a few weeks but not dating.  He hoped to god that she wasn’t going to say they were officially together.

“We won our case today.  That embezzlement one I couldn’t really talk about?  Yeah, we got him on everything.”

“That’s awesome!”  Bucky reached and gave her had a quick squeeze.  “First drinks on me, then.” 

His grin turning into a chuckle that had him scrunching his nose up.  Sometimes he did it on purpose because Izzy had once told him it was the cutest thing she’d ever seen, but not this time.  This time, her jubilation had him genuinely happy for her, and if Brad made her happy then so be it.

Bucky got to mixing a couple of her favourite drink; a sidecar.  He didn’t see Brad return from the restroom.

“Bucky?”

“What’s up, doll?”  He turned away from his station to see a frown on blonde Brad’s face.  The nickname, shit.

“Brad, this is Bucky, one of my oldest friends.”  Izzy smiled sweetly as Brad eyed Bucky with contempt.

“It’s great to meet you, man.”  Bucky hastily wiped his hands on his bar towel and reached to shake the man’s hand.

It could have gone one of a few ways at that point.  Brad could have declined the gesture and looked like a petty asshole – win for Bucky.  He could have shook with him and used excessive force – showing that Brad was territorial.  He could have shook and Bucky could have given him ‘the death grip’ – thus showing Brad that Bucky was firmly in Izzy’s life.  Brad could have shook amicably showing he wasn’t threatened by Bucky.  Or Bucky could have given him the weakest handshake possible and made Brad feel more dominant.

Bucky already knew what kind of man Brad was so he gave him the standard grip and received a death grip in return.  Brad was feeling threatened already, this wasn’t going to end well for him.  Izzy was independent and firm when it came to controlling boyfriends.

Bucky smiled warmly, catching Izzy watching their hands as Brad tried to ring the living shit out of Bucky’s fingers.  The white knuckles were a warning flag but would she read that much into it?

“I’ve heard a lot about you, Bucky.”  The blonde almost sneered his name.

“All bad I presume.”  Bucky smiled cheekily.  “I’m a terrible friend.”

“You’re an amazing friend.”  Izzy fell for the weak bait, she really had drank too much already.  “You and Steve.  My best friends forever.”  She offered Bucky her pinky finger to pinky swear like when they were kids.

Brad actually blanched a little and Bucky couldn’t help but feel slightly smug.  She had just kind of announced that Bucky held perpetual residence in the friend zone which should have made Brad happy, but prospective boyfriends always looked to long-term friend zone residents to see what kind of qualities kept a man in the life of someone as gorgeous as Izzy.  Brad was on borrowed time already.

Several drinks later, Bucky rang the bell for last orders.  Izzy and Brad had moved off to a quiet table in a darker area of the bar but when the bell rang, the man jumped up to get once last round in before closing.

“Two martini’s.”  Brad said rudely.

Should Bucky tell him she doesn’t like martinis?  Should he politely offer him something else?  He decided that Brad needed to get to know Izzy of his own accord and, while she wouldn’t thank him for it later, Bucky shouldn’t interfere.

“No problem.”  Was all he said and quickly mixed the drinks whilst completing an order for another customer.

Izzy obviously hadn’t told Brad that there could be a chance of a lock-in which meant that she either wanted to go home with him or wanted to cut the night short because she didn’t want to go home with him.

She came by the bar on her way to the bathroom a few minutes later.

“You really let him buy me a martini?”

Bucky just shrugged.  Mia culpa.

“I see what you’re up to Barnes.  Trying to keep me all to yourself.”  She laughed at her own joke before sauntering off with a pronounced stagger.

She had no idea how close to the truth she was.  Bucky would love nothing more than for her to realise that she felt the same was he did and to give him the chance he never had.

That college party.  He thought bitterly.

After closing, Bucky cleared up the bar and lounge.  Tony came out of the office to help out.  It had been a busy night but not busy enough to ask the old man to help with service.  They had a crew of cleaners that came in at 7am to do the furniture, dusting, floors and bathrooms, so once the tables were clear he focused on behind the bar.  It was almost 2am when his phone rang.  It was Izzy.

“Are you still awake?”  She sobbed down the phone.

“Yeah, I’m still at the bar.”  He said frowning as she sniffled on the other end.  “What’s wrong?”

He swore to himself, if that asshole had hurt her, he was gonna give him a beating.

“Can you come get me?  Please, Bucky!  I can’t get a cab anywhere and I don’t know where the hell I am.”

His temper flared.  That idiot had stranded her someplace on her own at 2 o’clock in the fucking morning.

“What’s near you?  Give me street names?  Anything.”  He had already grabbed his leather jacket and the keys to his bike.  “Tony!  Lock up please!”  He hollered as he burst through the doors.

Izzy had given him two street names; Jamaica and Oregon.  That was in Long Island for fucks sake, an hour away.

Bucky drove like a maniac.  The longer Izzy was stood on a damn street corner in the middle of the night the more he worried.  Angry didn’t cut it to describe how he felt as he sped down the I495, pushing 100mph.  If he got caught speeding he couldn’t care about a fine, or points on his licence, he only cared that he got to Izzy as soon as possible.

Pulling up on the corner or Jamaica and Oregon, he parked the bike and killed the engine.  She wasn’t there waiting and he prayed that nothing had happened to her.

“Izzy!”  He called as loud as he dared.

There was shuffling from the darkened doorway of someone’s house.  She’d been smart and hid in the shadows so no one would see her just standing waiting.  He thanked the heavens for this small mercy.

Izzy stepped forward, uneasy on her feet and he went to her, pulling her into a hug.  She slid her hands around his waist and settled against his warmth.  She was freezing cold.

“Jesus, woman!”  Bucky hissed.  “You’ve got icicles for fingers.”  Chuckling he squeezed her closer.

Bucky felt lucky that Izzy was quite comfortable with this level of contact from him, and from Steve.  They were always close.  Hugs, even holding hands wasn’t outside boundaries of their friendship.

“What happened?”  He extracted himself from her embrace when she had nothing to say to him.

She was crying.

“What did that asshole do?”  Bucky was protective.  He was sure she saw it as big brother treatment but for him she was like a precious porcelain doll, something to be adored, treasured and loved.

“He didn’t do anything.”  She said thickly.  “We had a fight and he kicked me out of the car.”

“He drove you here?”  Bucky knew his eyebrows were practically scraping his hairline.  “In that state?  He drunk drove you?”

She nodded, fresh tears welling up.

“Hey, hey, it’s ok.”  He rubbed his hands up and down her bare and freezing arms.  She’d lost her jacket.  “I’ll get you home and we can talk about it later, okay?”

Bucky shrugged off his leather jacket and draped it around her shoulders.  He’d be fucking cold by the time they got back home but he’d endure it for her.  Anything for her.

The logistics of riding a bike with a drunk woman wearing a pencil skirt were something he didn’t want a repeat of.  They tried having her behind him with her skirt pushed up so he would fit between her legs.  That didn’t work, she was too unsteady, though Bucky did appreciate the few moments he spent pushing her skirt up her thighs and settling himself with her arms around his waist.

In the end he had to ride with her side-saddle and in front.  She clung to him as he drove, slower than his outbound journey because of his precious and precariously balanced cargo.  She wore his helmet for safety and he drove, wind-chilled and bleary-eyed for almost 2 hours.

“Keys.”  He said when they finally got to her apartment.

“I got nothing.”  She grumbled, patting his pockets as if they’d miraculously be in there.

“You lost your bag?”  He groaned.  “Right ok.  Your folks place?”

She looked at him with a frown.

“Nah, your mom will kill me for waking the house up.”  He racked his brain quickly for viable options.  “My place?  I’ll take the sofa.”

“I’ll take the sofa.”  She slurred.  “It’s your bed, you should sleep there.”

“Yeah, ok, Princess Isabella.”  Bucky snorted.  He knew he’d get his way, even if he had to carry her to his bed himself.  And goddamn if that didn’t stir up some perfect imagery right there.

Bucky’s apartment wasn’t far, only a few blocks, but he still drove carefully.  After she dressed herself in one of his t-shirts, a pair of sweatpants and some cosy socks, he deposited her in his bed.  She was already lethargic so didn’t put up a fight when he scooped her up off the sofa and carried her bridal-style through to his room at the back.

There is something wonderful about seeing a woman wearing your baggies, he thought.

“You’re too good to me.”  She mumbled, her eyes closed peacefully.

Exactly how far gone she was he did not know.  He wondered how much she’d remember in the morning.  Would she remember him sliding her skirt up her thighs on the back if his bike, or the way he’d bit his lip in sheer adulation?  Would she remember if he confessed his feelings to her now?

Of course that was a stupid idea.

“Yeah well you owe me, Freeman.”  He jested.  “And I will collect.”

“Why do men have to be such assholes?”  She flung the covers back with half-hearted petulance.  Bucky could tell he wasn’t getting to sleep any time soon.

“We just are.”

“Not youuuu!”  She patted his face awkwardly, hand flailing around as she fumbled blindly.

It was a moment like this when he wished he could take her hand and lay a kiss against her palm.  Something simple and sweet.

“I’m an asshole too, Izzy.”  He said with honesty.  Just not to you.  Never to you.

“Ooooh!  Did I tell you about Brad?”  She enunciated the name childishly.  Bucky couldn’t help but laugh at her pouty huff.

“Actually, you didn’t.  Why don’t you go ahead and tell me about Brad.”  He copied her tone, making her giggle.  God she was beautiful, even drunk and annoying as she was right now.

“Oh he’s a dick!”  Now she was amusingly indignant.  “That asshole told me he didn’t like you being my friend.  Said you were in love with me.  That you wanted to have sex with me.”

Bucky’s face went from amused to thunderous in all of half a second.

“Do you, Bucky?”  She still had her eyes closed as she continued to talk, a child-like innocence softening her face.  “I mean, I told him ‘no way, not Bucky.  He’s been my friend all my life'.  You’re my friend right, Buck?”

He stammered some kind of affirmation, not knowing what to say.  He’d had an opportunity, only for a split second, to jump in and say ‘yes I love you’ before she made it clear again that they were only friends.

"Always?"  Her eyebrows knitted together.

“Friends, always.”  Was all he could say, swallowing hard.

“Pinky promise?”

He scooped her little finger up in his and gave it a squeeze.

“Pinky promise.”  He said, barely above a whisper.  Somewhere in his chest something was breaking.  He would always have her, in some way, she’d always be in his life and he felt like maybe it was just enough.

“We should get that tattooed on.”  She sighed.

He laughed then, a little nervous but nevertheless amused by her train of thought.  If she was willing to get something tattooed on her skin that linked her to him then he’d do it.

“Maybe we should.”  He still held her finger with his.

“Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?”

Oh, now there was a nail in a coffin if he ever saw one.  Jesus would this night of torment never stop?

“I find guys who turn into psychos when you start dating them, like Damien.  And ones that think they own you because you sleep with them a couple of times, like Brad.  Ugh!”  She grumbled, eyes still closed.

So she slept with Brad, then.

“And if you can’t be bothered with all the bullshit that comes with the sex you’re stuck with a string of one night stands that are stupendously unsatisfying.”  Izzy preached to herself.  “I’m done with relationships, Bucky!  I’ve had enough of being dictated to and manipulated.  I’ll settle for regular sex with someone who isn’t a douchebag and who won’t try to own me.”

“You’re saying you want a friend with benefits?  A fuck buddy?”

“Exactly!”  She nodded in agreement, enthusiastically enough that the idea wouldn’t leave his head.

“There are plenty of people who would be willing to do that with you, Izzy.  Hundreds.”

“Would you?”

Now there was the million dollar question right there.  Would he? Of course he would.  In a fucking heartbeat!  He wanted her any way he could have her.  But their friendship…  What if it ended because he couldn’t keep his cock in his pants?

“I dunno, Izzy, we’re really good friends.  I’d rather not lose you because of some sex we had.”  He said trying to keep his racing heart from jumping up into his throat.

“Well obviously we’d have rules.”  She scoffed comically.  “C’mon Buck, it’s just sex.”

Bucky found himself grinning, heat rising in his cheeks.

“You’re very drunk, Izzy.”  He said, releasing her pinky finger finally.  “If you remember this conversation in the morning and it’s something you still want, then I’ll think about it, okay?”

“Okay…”  She sighed with a happy smile.

She’d not once opened her eyes as they’d talked.  He knew she was wasted and he would never take advantage but at the same time he felt like he’d been offered something that he’d never even hoped to have.  This was a little like role reversal; that night at the college part when he’d asked her out and she’d told him to ask her in the morning.  The shoe was now on the other foot, except what Bucky had asked for was a potential lifetime of love and commitment, what Izzy had asked for was random no-strings sex.  They weren’t the same at all.

Bucky felt confident that she would forget the whole conversation but it still niggled at the front of his mind as he tried to sleep on his not-long-enough sofa.  The ghost of a feeling followed him down into darkness.  Tender lips on his and soft skin beneath his hands, the giddy thrill of love in his chest, and the alluring scent he knew better than his own; Izzy filled his dreams like she filled his heart - completely.

Chapter Text

In the morning, Bucky woke up to the smell of coffee brewing.  Izzy stood in his open-plan kitchen hunched forward and leaning against the counter for support.

She must be feeling real rough, Bucky thought.

“Morning.”  His voice was croaky with sleep.

“Morning.”  Izzy didn’t even have the energy to be startled.  “Coffee?”

“Please.”  He sat up and allowed himself a moment before standing to go to the bathroom.  The last thing he needed was to be exhibiting morning wood to his guest.  “There’re bagels in the fridge.”  He said from the bathroom before closing the door.

Izzy looked cute with her hair all tousled, and ridiculously comical with mascara smears under her eyes.  Bucky smirked at her when he accepted the mug of coffee from her shaking hand.

“What?”

“Nothing.”  He smirked again as she checked her reflection out in the chrome surface of the kettle.

“Oh, fuck you!”  She rolled her eyes and turned her back.

“How you feeling?”  He asked after his cup was half gone.  His caffeine levels were directly proportional to the amount of socialising he was prepared to do first thing after waking.

“Peachy.”  Sarcasm exuded from her tone.   “I had a wonderful night.”

“Yeah you seemed to be enjoying yourself until some point down the I495.”  Bucky smirked into his cup.  “Wana tell me what happened with Brad?”  He’d gotten the drunk version last night but the sober version would be more reliable.  “Was it really that bad?”

“It’s not bad like ‘I propositioned my best friend for sex’ bad or anything like that, but it’s pretty bad.”

Bucky didn’t know whether to laugh or be shocked.  So he did both.  Practically inhaling his coffee and spluttering into the cup.  It wasn’t exactly a voluntary choice.

Izzy looked concerned for a moment until Bucky held his hand up to say he was ok.  He wiped the coffee off his chin before looking at her with a sad smile.

“I’m so sorry, Bucky.”  She had tears in her eyes.  “You were so good to me and I had to go be a pathetic, whiny, needy mess.  I didn’t mean to push any boundaries.”

“I meant what I said.”  He spoke quietly.  His heart was hammering in his chest; excitement, terror, and more.

“Huh.”  It was more a surprised noise than a query.

“I said I’d think about it.  And I would still do that.”

“You also said you’d get a pinky promise tattoo so is that still on the cards?”  She laughed mischievously.

He could tell it was a deflection and he didn’t care.  He’d have her however she chose to be with him, obviously the more of her time he got, the better.  He’d get a tattoo for her, no questions asked.

“What if it is?”  He teased back.

She laughed, grinning big.  “Oh Barnes, you’re so gonna regret saying that.”  She tried to hide her amusement in her cup just like he had, but her smile made her eyes twinkle in just the right kind of way that had him staring at her, wishing she’d look at him like that for ever.

“Yeah, yeah, bring it on!”

The tattoos became a reality.  They both got the word promise tattooed on the inside of their right pinky finger in the Izzy’s cursive handwriting.  Steve became part of the pact too, which made Bucky feel it was a little less special but he approved nonetheless, and it did take some of the tension out of it for him.  Having her handwriting tattooed on his skin bound her irrefutable to him.  He needed only to glance at it and he got a tingly feeling in his stomach.  It was like her mark on him, permanent and heart-felt.

It was a couple of weeks after that when the whole friends with benefits thing came up again.

Izzy was at Stark's with a few of her girlfriends from the office.  The tall blonde with a huge rack had been hitting on him at the bar all night and, although Bucky had no qualms bedding someone who pursued him that hard, he didn’t want to mess with any of Izzy’s friends or colleagues.  He loved and respected her too much to do that.  Despite the blonde being salacious, he had to decline.

Bucky came over to the table to collect empties and to check in with Izzy.

“You good?  Need anything?”  He asked, leaning over to scoop up a few bellini flutes.

“We’re getting table service from bar manager Barnes?”  Izzy was practically flirting with him.

“You came over to see me, didn’t you, sugar?”  The blonde, Claire, said as she seductively trailed her finger around the rim of her glass.

Bucky laughed short and nervous, his adam’s apple bobbing slightly before his tongue made a quick pass of his upper lip.  He felt so damn uncomfortable.  A quick glance at Izzy revealed her amusement.

Well, this is going to get more awkward before it’s over.  He thought with a sigh.

“Would you be a darling and rustle up a couple of my favourite cocktail?  No one in the whole of New York makes them like you do, Buck.”  She bit her lip purposefully, glancing down to his mouth and back up to his eyes.

He frowned slightly.  Very confused.

What the hell kind of game was Izzy playing?  This was uncharacteristically flirtatious, forward, predatory, whatever the hell you wanted to call it; this wasn’t normal.

Bucky nodded slowly.

“You better leave me a good tip though.”  He winked at the other women, suddenly feeling like it was a game he’d been enlisted to play.  He didn’t want to make Izzy look stupid so he decided he’d bite.  “You ladies got to appreciate a man with skills.”

That got a titter of giggles from them all.

Delivering the cocktails himself had been a bit of a mistake.  The ladies insisted Bucky sit with them a little while and Izzy was more than happy to continue tormenting him.  She teased her cocktail straw with the tip of her tongue before taking it between her lips for a sip, eyes fluttering closed in pleasure, a little nasal moan escaping before she swallowed.

His palms were getting sweaty just watching her.

“You’re so hot.”  One of the ladies said, leaning in to touch his thigh.

Bucky laughed, looking down and shaking his head, embarrassed.  Women had told him that before but he’d never sat at a table with the girl of his dreams and had other women try to bed him.  This was all too much.

“That’s the cocktails talking.”  He deflected.

“Cock-what?  Yes, please!”  Someone said, earning themselves a round of lewd laughter.

There was no hint of jealousy in Izzy’s face or her body language.  It was like a neon sign to him that she didn’t feel anything other than something platonic for him.  She was watching him, intrigued and mischievous.

“Just feel how hard that is.”  The woman said, inviting the others to touch his leg.  “All that perfectly toned muscle.”  She sighed.

“What would it take for me to have you in my bed tonight?”  Claire was relentless.

Bucky blushed hard, laughing again as his nerves got the better of him.  Izzy shouldn’t be okay with this, he was supposed to be her friend and he was uncomfortable as hell in this situation.  He wished he hadn’t played along in the first place.

Shaking his head and with a bashful smile he could barely make eye contact with any of them.  Blushing hard he protested.  “Stop, you’re making me blush.”

That earned him a round of ‘awww, so cute’ from them all.  He really couldn’t win.

Izzy’s eyes hadn’t left him and when he stood to leave, making excuses of tending bar and cleaning up, she followed him to the bar.

“Can I get you something?”  He was a little short with her but she didn’t notice.

She had seemed only tipsy at the table but now he saw she was pretty damn drunk.

“Remember that conversation?”  She said playfully.

“Which one?”  They’d had thousands of conversations over their many years of friendship, he probably could remember all of them but he was clueless as to what she was getting at without a pointer or two.  “The one about the end of the world?  Who we’d have on our team?”  That was one from a couple of days ago.

“No.”  She was deadly serious now, it gave him chills.  “In your room, the night you picked me up from Long Island.”

“Oh.”  Suddenly the air was oppressive and his mouth dry.  “Um, okay, yeah.  What about it?”

“I’ll be wanting your answer now, Barnes.”

He kind of liked this side of her, boldly asking for what she wanted.  The way she looked at him then sent a tingle over his scalp and down his spine right to his cock.

This can’t be happening.

“Right now!?”

“Right now.”  Her lips curled subtly in a lopsided but flirtatious smile.

“You’ve been drinking and I would hate to take advantage…”  Bucky trailed away as Izzy shook her head.

“Who’s taking advantage?”  Her laugh was bright and completely her.  “You did not just see yourself get torn to pieces by that pack of lionesses over there.”

She had a point but still, he wouldn’t feel right about this at all.  It had to be sober or nothing.

“What about the rules?”  He became aware of a customer waiting.  “One sec.”  He gave Izzy a placatory look.

Bucky filled the order and came back to her a few minutes later.  She’d finished her drink and pushed the glass towards him, slowly, her fingers trailing up the stem through the condensation on the side to the rim where she circled with her index finger.  Her tongue slowly traced her upper lip as she stared him down.

Christ!  She was trying to seduce him.  Not trying.  Succeeding.  What the hell was this?  What had changed?

“Rules, you say?”  Even her voice was pitched lower, more sultry.  “I can do rules.”

Maybe he should just tell her that she didn’t have to make all this effort, that he was hers already and always would be, for as long as she wanted him.

“I can’t believe I’m even agreeing to this.”  He chuckled ironically.

“So it’s a ‘yes’ then?”  Was that hope he saw glint in her eye?

Had he said ‘yes’?  His answer should be 'no'.  Their friendship might get ruined and then he’d be without her in his life at all.  But then again what if she grew to love him, was that not worth a risk?

“Conditional approval, pending suitable rules.”  He couldn’t help the playful smile that spread across his face.  “And sobriety.”

Izzy was smiling too and she looked stunning, stood there with flushed cheeks and twinkling eyes.  Maybe drunk was a good look on her, hell every look was good on her.

I’m so fucked.

“You’re gonna make me wait for it?”  She teased but seemed more than a little disappointed.

“Damn right I am.”  Bucky flirted.  “I’m not the sort to put out on the first date.”

“You totally are!”  Her head dipped forward as she laughed, snorting like a pig which made them both laugh harder.

“Alright, alright, so maybe I am.”  He chuckled as she came down from her laughing fit.  “But you shouldn’t.”  And he was serious again.  “Text me tomorrow when you’re not drunk.”

Izzy actually groaned in frustration.  What had gotten into her?

“Now, go on!  Scoot!”  He flapped her away from the bar with both hands.

His face burned but not as much as the fire in his chest.  Simultaneously terrified and excited, he could barely focus on his work for the rest of the night.  Tony grumbled that Bucky wasn’t giving the customer his full attention, and the old man was right, he wasn’t.  He put on a smile when his whole soul was drowning in bewilderment.  He didn’t know if he wanted her to forget what she’d asked of him or if he wanted her to take this idea of hers in both hands and never let it go.  One thing Bucky knew for sure, he was never going to be able to say no.  Not to her.  Not ever.

Chapter Text

At a little after lunch time the next day, Bucky’s phone buzzed to life.

[Izzy]  Morning Buckinator!  This is your next morning sobriety text! X

So much for her forgetting, he thought ruefully.  I guess I’m really gonna have to consider the options, now.  Fuck!

[Buck]  Good morning.  You feeling rough? x

[Izzy]  I feel like I licked the inside of a trash can.  What did you give me to drink?  Booty juice? X

[Buck]  Hey, you asked for it x

[Izzy]  I remember asking for something else too… so how about it? 😉

Euphoria.  Fear.  Anticipation.  Dread.  He felt them all and more each time he thought about the predicament that Izzy was putting him in.  He made a promise to himself that he’d keep his feelings under wraps, and do whatever he could to keep her in his life.  She was offering him something that he never thought he’d ever have but it was only half of what he wanted and it could ruin them if things went badly.

Rules were a good idea, they would help keep things in check and set boundaries.   There were only a few things that Bucky really wanted out of this arrangement and that was to safeguard their friendship and for it not to be a drunken booty call thing.  Oh, and safe sex.

[Buck]  I dunno Iz we got a lot to lose if this goes bad x

[Izzy]  It won’t.  Pinky promise. XX

She had to go and say fucking ‘pinky promise’.

[Buck]  What got you started on this idea?

[Izzy]  Honestly?  I’m horny and every guy I meet either comes with some amount of bullshit that I just don’t have the time or energy for right now.  I need a friend, someone who understands and will share this with me.  Guys I meet for 1 night are just there to get themselves off.  I want a bit more respect than that. X

[Buck]  And your 1^st thought was me? xx

[Izzy]  Actually no, my first thought was paying for an escort but that doesn’t get you over the awkwardness of sex with a stranger. X

[Buck]  I dunno that can be fun :p

[Izzy]  Fun but not what I’m looking for. X

[Buck]  Fair enough.  Why me? xx

[Izzy]  Of all of the people I know who would probably sleep with me, you’re the safest option.  I can’t ask Steve, he’d die of embarrassment lol. X

Steve would probably drop down dead if Izzy had asked him.  As it was, Bucky wasn’t doing much better.  His mouth was dry and he was almost shaking with nerves, skin pale and clammy.  Panic was growing in his chest and all he could think about was losing her if this all went tits up.  He registered somewhere in the back of his mind that Izzy had put him on the list of people who would maybe want to sleep with her.  He didn’t know if that said more about her or him, and didn’t know if he should be offended or not.  He let it slide.

[Buck]  I’m pretty much dying over here too xx

[Izzy]  You can say no, Bucky. I’ll not be upset or anything. XXX

[Buck]  true story? x

[Izzy]  True story.  Listen, are you free in an hour? X

[Buck]  Yep, I work at 6 though x

[Izzy]  Come round to mine, we’ll talk ok? XX

[Buck]  Ok doll xx

Jesus what was he doing?  This had to be the worst and the best idea of all time.  He was torn between protecting what he had and seizing this new opportunity.  He might actually get the chance to sleep with Izzy, more than once too, and have it not ruin their friendship

Izzy answered the door in lounge wear; black leggings and a huge white rolling stones t-shirt.  There was no big showy seduction going down here which made him feel more at ease.  He was usually confident when it came to sleeping with women but this was one of his best and oldest friends.  There was a history there that he cherished as much as he cherished her.

“Drink?”  She offered, shuffling off to the kitchen in her slippers.

“Soda, coffee, whatever.  I’m easy.”

“Well I had heard that about you but I didn’t want to believe the gossip.”  She quipped.

“I see my reputation precedes me.  I presume that’s why I’m here.”  It was half a joke and half serious.

He was curious as to whether Izzy had chosen to ask him because he slept around a little and had no problem with no strings sex.  The problem was, with her, there were so many strings it was a tenuously strung web of feelings and memories.  No part of this was going to be easy for him, but she had asked, and he would give her anything.

She passed him a chilled can of diet Pepsi before slouching on the sofa.  She seemed comfortable with him, even in this awkward situation.

“I wouldn’t say it preceded you but I’m aware of it.”  She smirked lightly.

“I do come with recommendations.”  Bucky raised a sarcastic eyebrow.

She nodded, distracted, distant.  The missed opportunity for a ‘your mom’ joke betrayed her nerves.

“Look, you can say no.  I understand it’s not ideal.  I just need someone reliable who gets me and won’t hurt me.  Someone I connect with but who won’t make demands on my time or dictate to me how to live my life.  You’re one of the most laid back guys I know and you’ve always looked after me, Bucky.  I just need someone I can be with without any drama, you know, without any bullshit.”

Bucky felt like he was watching the scene from somewhere deep in his skull, too far behind his own eyes for him to actually be in control of his own mouth at this point.  What she was asking for was virtually everything he wanted but he wanted love too.  She was willing to give him almost everything he wanted other than a full-on relationship.

He decided it was as close as he was ever going to get and who knew, maybe the feelings would come for her later, just maybe she could learn to love him like he loved her.  Or even part way to that and he’d be ok with it.

“I know I can, Iz, it’s just that I really cherish what we have and if this thing that we’re talking about here doesn’t work, and if it ruins our friendship I don’t know what I’d do.  You and Steve, you’re everything to me.  I can’t lose you, not for a few tumbles in the sack.”  He was being as honest as he could without breaking his promise to himself.

“Then that’ll be one of the rules.”  She said, regarding him carefully.

Bucky licked his lips absently as he thought about it.  It could work, if they absolutely promised each other that their friendship came first, no matter what.

“Okay.”  He said, blowing an unsteady breath out through pursed lips.

“Okay?”  She jumped with anticipation.

“Yeah.”  Bucky sighed right before Izzy threw herself forward to hug him.

“You’re awesome!”  She breathed against his neck.

She felt different, all of a sudden.  The giddy thrill of holding her with his feelings kept hidden had been replaced with the deep burn of longing.  He had permission to want her now, permission to touch her more than he ever had, but yet he didn’t.  They needed to set boundaries.

Pulling away, he stood up, turning his back to her as he collected himself.

“I have requirements.”  Bucky said, after a few long moments of silence where they both just existed in the space, contemplating how everything was going to be different for them both after this.

“Okay,” she pulled out her phone.  “Rule 1.”

“Protection.  The sex always has to be safe.”

“Okay, yeah, good.”  She typed quickly.  “Rule 2.”

“Respect.”  Bucky crossed his arms across his chest and frowned slightly as he searched for the right words.  “No drunken booty calls, or making the other person feel shit for saying ‘no’.  We respect each other as we always have and respect our other friends too.”

“Okay, got it.”  She smiled softly.

“You do one or I’ll feel like I’m dictating.”

“Rule 3.  No catching feelings.”  She said after a long pause.  “If it’s just sex it should be just sex.  One person falling for the other will probably end in disaster so no feels and no jealousy.”

That was her first rule, no falling in love with him?  Did it matter that he had already fallen for her?  She said ‘no catching feelings’ but his were already caught.  No matter how he looked at it, it still hurt to hear.

“Ok, in that case rule 4 should be no displays of affection.  No kissing, no cuddling, no holding hands romantically, no gifts other than maybe the standard shit we’ve always done at Christmas or birthdays.”  He clenched his jaw slightly.  This was more difficult than he’d thought it would be.  “Rule 4 supports rule 3.  If there’s to be no chance of one of us catching feelings then avoiding the little things like that will help.”

“Right.”  Her fingers tapped frantically over her phone screen. “Rule 5.  We both have to get off.  I’m about done with guys and their panda antics.”  She said with a frustrated sigh.

“Panda antics?”

“You know.  That joke?  Why is a man like a panda?  Because he eats, shoots and leaves.”

“Ohhhh, that’s witty.”  Bucky smothered his smirk.  “You know I’d never do that to you, right?”

“Let’s call this insurance.”

“What if I want to get you off but not myself?”  He couldn’t believe he was even discussing this stuff with her.

“I suppose that’s your call.”  She bit her lip thoughtfully.  “Okay, so we both have to be willing to make sure we both get off, unless we choose otherwise for ourselves.”

“Okay, deal.  Rule 6.”  Bucky sat back down beside Izzy, the warmth of her leg against his was both comforting and alluring.  “We only do this while we’re both single.  And we’re up front about the people we’re seeing.”  He wanted to know in advance if there was to be someone else on the scene.

“As soon as we think we might like someone we press pause.”  Izzy was concentrating on getting it all down on her phone as Bucky watched her.  The way she chewed the inside of her mouth, her minuscule frown.  He couldn’t believe he was this close to having her.

“Rule 7?”

“Rule 7.”  She mused.  “We have to keep it secret.”

“Yeah, Steve would freak the fuck out!”

“Imagine the lectures?  Oh god!”  She laughed.

“No one is gonna understand this whole thing so yeah, keeping it to ourselves is a good call.”  Bucky could do that.  The only person either of them would have an issue keeping a secret from was actually Steve.  It would be interesting to see if he could tell there was something going on.

“Rule 8.  Just sex, no making love.”  She sat back against the cushions as she wrote.  “No sleepovers in the same bed either.  And we should probably avoid using the word ‘love’ at all too.”  She tapped her phone against her thigh as she mentally weighed the idea.  “If we never say it, even to describe something, then it can never be misconstrued.  Rule 3, remember?”

“Sure.”  He said in absent agreement.  “Define making love.”

“Oh, you know, slow and passionate, with kissing and holding each other.  Staring lovingly into each other’s eyes, that sort of thing.”

“Right.”  He had a significant downward turn to his excitement now.  All these rules put in place just to stop either of them from catching feelings.  Knowing when you were breaking rule 8 might be difficult but he supposed that if you left out the kissing and eye contact then some slow sex might get past unnoticed.  “Rule 9?”

“No nudes.”

“Seriously?”  Disappointment didn’t cut it.

“Seriously!”  She chastised.  “There’s no way I’m letting naked pictures of myself anywhere near your phone, that any one of your friends might see… Hell no!”

“What if I wanted to send but not receive?”

“You wouldn’t want to receive?”

“Well, yeah I would, but...”

“No nudes, Bucky.”

“Ahh come on, you’re breaking my balls here.”

“What would you want them for anyway?”

“You have to ask.”  He laughed.

Izzy just shook her head with a bemused smile.  She knew, of course she did.  All guys liked to keep something to get them going with their personal time.

“Okay then, rule 10?”

The pair of them pondered in silence for a few moments.

“I got nothing.”  Bucky shrugged.

“Ooooh!”  Izzy twitched.  “Rule 10 should be the all-encompassing friendship rule.  Our friendship comes first, no matter what.”

How could he have forgotten that one?  It was the thing that was most important to him.  The first thing he’d said before they even started concocting rules and boundaries.

“That’s the most important thing to me, Izzy, I mean it.”

“Me too.”  She smiled and squeezed his hand.

After a long pause, she read through the 10 rules they had drawn up.  There were a few things that weren’t covered but they could go on for days creating red tape for themselves.

Red tape, hmm, I wonder.

“So is there anything you don’t like, or won’t try?  Anything that’s a total turn off?”  Bucky wanted to get some insight into the territory he'd be traversing.

“Honestly, I don’t know.  I guess we just talk about it?  Do the respect thing, no forcing each other and no guilt trips if one of us says no.”

“Sounds fair.”  Bucky nodded.  “And when exactly are you thinking we start this arrangement?”

“Whenever you’re ready.”  She said calmly, like this wasn't the most nerve racking thing he'd done since leaving the army.

Bucky just blinked.  Was he ready?

Chapter Text

There had been times in Bucky’s life where he’d imagined Izzy in every sexual position he could think of.  Pictured her body in each scenario, imagined kissing her and touching her, feeling her against him and around him, tasting her.  It was all within his grasp, save for the kissing, right there in front of him wearing ridiculous Pokémon slippers, leggings and a baggy band t-shirt.

It was a little after 3 o’clock and he had to be at work by 6.  He had time to spend with her and now suddenly he knew what he wanted to do with that time.

“You were the one who said you were horny.”  He teased.  “I’m good to go when you’re ready.”

“Eager, Barnes?”

So what if he was?  She had no idea how long he’d waited for her.  Even to have her like this was better than he’d hoped for since she dashed his dreams after that damn college party.

“Have you ever known a guy not want sex?  Come on.”

“That’s true.”  She shifted on the sofa, moving forward to get her fingers under the hem of his t-shirt.  “What if I’m ready now?”

Christ!  She looked so sexy, even with two Snorlax on her feet and her hair up in a messy tail.

“I’m good with that.”  He swallowed hard.

Bucky watched her face as she lifted his shirt up slowly and then over his head.  Her eyes roved over his torso, hands stroking just after.  Naked from the waist up he felt the thrill of her hands on his skin where she stroked the lines between his abs and up to his chest where she trailed her fingers softly over his tattoo.

“I never knew you had this.”  She said, examining it in great detail.  “J.B?  You?”

“Grandpa Joe.”  He said, almost a whisper.

Izzy nodded with a slow blink, she’d always loved his grandpa Joe.  “May I?”

She looked in his eyes, asking permission.  For what exactly, he didn’t know, but he gave it.  He would always give it.  This was Izzy and she was everything.

Izzy leaned in, bringing her mouth to his chest where she laid slow and tender kisses across his tattooed pectoral.

“Hey!”  Bucky croaked, lifting her chin to stop her.  “We agreed, no kissing.”

He wished he could let her continue but to break rules during their first time wouldn’t send a very good message of mutual respect to her at all.

“Was that not just kissing on the mouth?”  She said playfully.  “What if I wanted to put my lips on other parts of your body?”

She trailed her hand down his stomach to settle over where his jeans stretched tight between his spread legs.

Jesus, fuck!  She could put her mouth on him anywhere.  Kiss his lips if she wanted, he didn’t care, he just wanted her.  But, rules.

“Okay, no kissing on the mouth.”  His voice was thick with tension as she teased her way along the inside of his thigh, fingers moving up and down so very close to where his cock was trapped against the tight denim.

She smiled so impishly that Bucky had to laugh.  She pushed him backwards, bringing her mouth to his chest again, kissing downward in hot, slow kisses that contained a little tongue.  When she reached his jeans she looked up, asking again for permission.

She didn’t need to ask but he loved that she did.  Shit!  Correction… He liked that she did.

“Nuh’huh.”  Bucky denied her with a winning smile.  “You’re the one who needs attention, so let me do my job.”

Izzy didn’t look hurt that he’d stopped her but she did look surprised.  Bucky stood, adjusting his hips to lessen the strain of his awkwardly bent cock.  He took her by the wrist and lead her to where he knew her bedroom was, kicking off his shoes towards the front door.

“You want to do this or can I?”  He asked at the foot of her bed with the hem of her t-shirt gathered in his hands.

“You.”  Was all she said and he grinned, eyes searching her face, reading nothing but nerves and anticipation.

She was more beautiful than he could have imagined, revealed to him inches at a time as he slid her shirt up her ribs and off over her raised arms.  Her bra was a simple white bra that he’d heard her describe once before as a t-shirt bra.

Hooking his fingers under the straps he slid them off her shoulders.  Taking her lead from earlier, he dipped his head and kissed the base of her neck where it met her collar.  She shivered so strongly that it made her brace her hands against his shoulders.

Smugly grinning against her skin he kissed his way down her chest, walking her backwards until her legs met the bed.  Slowly he went with her, falling to his knees in front of her.

The bra had a front clasp that he released, allowing her breasts to spill out into his waiting hands.  Brushing the fabric aside he claimed both breasts and massaged them gently.

“Jesus, Izzy!”  He moaned, marvelling at her perfect, plush breasts.  “Who knew?”

Izzy laughed all cute and shy but she stroked her hand through his hair.  His James Dean hair, as she always called it.  He’d had the same cut since he first grew out his army buzz cut.  Her fingers felt wonderful; his scalp tingled under her touch.

Bucky lost himself in the feel of her hands in his hair and her breasts under his lips.  Her nipples were a deep pink and hard as bullets as he traced his tongue around one, sucking on it gently until she arched her back and sighed heavily.  He lavished attention on her right and played the left with his fingers, even venturing to pinch it roughly.  Instead of a gasp of pain, a moan escaped the back of her throat as she used her hold on his hair to push his mouth harder against her.

Fuck! Me!

His cock twitched, throbbing uncomfortably against the stiff denim.  He moaned aloud, her breast against his mouth muffling the sound into a low growl.

“Fucking hell, Bucky!”  She gasped as he bit down gently on the erect bud.

“Call me James.”  He didn’t know exactly why he’d said it aloud but hearing her call him by the name she’d called him their whole life together just felt like too much.  He needed some distance, a level of separation between them to reinforce that this was just sex.  Bucky was in the friend zone but James, well, James was her lover and right now that was who he needed to be.

“James!”  She sighed as he sucked harder, rolling the other nipple between thumb and finger.

Izzy was a mess of flushed skin and moans by the time Bucky sunk down to sit on his feet and slid his hands down to her hips. Throwing both of her legs over his shoulders he snagged the waistband of her leggings and used his leverage under her knees to lift her ass off the bed and quickly tug them down, underwear and all.

Once she was naked he sat back to look at her.

“Isabella Freeman.”  He groaned with an appreciative grin.  “Look at you!”

“Don’t.”

She was blushing under his gaze and she looked so perfect.  Smooth lightly tanned skin, with the occasional mole; one on her hip, one by her tummy button and one on her ribs just under her right breast.  She wasn’t ribby but she was slender with a good curve to her hips.  Her thighs touched slightly at the top but with her knees apart she was open, a triangle of soft dark hair on her mons pubis but her labia were smooth, and she was glistening with arousal.

“Can I?”  He asked as he knelt closer between her spread legs.

She lifted her head from the comforter and looks at him almost terrified.  She shook her head.

“Too nervous?  Too soon?”  He didn’t want to spook her but he did want to taste her.

“I’ve never…”

His eyebrows shot up as his gaze moved from her gloriously wet mound, up her body to her blushing face.

“Not ever?  Well that’s a fucking crime.”  Bucky chuckled.  “You look amazing, and you smell so goddamn sweet.”  He slid his fingers down her clitoris and between her lips, watching as goosebumps broke out over her thighs.  “All I wanna do it taste you.”

Probing gently he pushed one finger inside, earning him a delicious sigh.  She was so wet just from the little foreplay they’d done that she slicked the rest of his hand once he’d buried the one finger in her completely.

“I’ll let you next time.”  She said stifling a gasp on the back of her hand as he added a second finger to his ministrations.

“Pinky promise?”

He hooked his fingers firmly against the front wall of her vagina and began to pull, slowly, giving them a wiggle as he went.

She clenched around him hard and, gasping, she cried out.

“What was that?  I didn’t quite catch it.”  Bucky had every right to be smug.  He was good at this, good with his hands.  He would learn her better and then he’d have her coming at the drop of a hat.

“Assss-hollle…”  She moaned out stutteringly as he tugged yet more pleasure from her.

Bucky laughed with genuine mirth, smothering his grin against her inner thigh he kissed her there and up as far as she’d let him.  Her reflexive twitch told him when to stop.

She was beautiful, lay on her bed with her legs draped over the edge, grinding her hips against his hand as he worked her in a painfully slow tease that had to be wreaking havoc with her body by now.  Her thighs were shaking as she tried for more friction.  At one point she reached down to touch herself but Bucky drew her hand away, nipping at her fingertips with his teeth.

“You wanna come yet, doll?”

She was holding her breath, really working for an orgasm that he was purposefully withholding, her whole body tense and invested in this one release.  He knew it was a dick move but it would feel so much more intense when she finally did.  She let go of the air in her lungs all at once as if giving up.

“Yeah.”  She sighed so roughly it was almost a sob.  “Can you?”

“Sure, doll.”  He said with a kiss to her thigh.  “I think you’re about ready to pop.”

Her skin was flushed red from her chest up to her face and her body was racked with deep shuddering breaths.  He’d ruined her just with his hand, and was about to do more.  There was no way she was ever going to forget what Bucky Barnes was capable of.

Bringing his left hand from where to had been pressing her thigh open he brought his fingers to her swollen but neglected clitoris, where he stroked her firmly, applying pressure where it was needed.  She was so sensitive she practically bucked off the bed as he circled slowly.

Izzy cried out, clenching down on his fingers so hard he could barely bend them enough to beckon forth the orgasm she wanted, needed and most definitely deserved.  But bring her off he did with the slow pull of his fingers inside her and the firm pressure circling her clit.

It was the best sound he’d ever heard, so genuine, so perfect, so her.  The gasps and moans that fell from her lips had him ready to come himself, if not for the discomfort he felt in his jeans then maybe he could have.

He worked her gently through it until her body twitched in response to hypersensitivity.  She was practically sobbing, tears streaming down her face and she lay there shaking.  Her arm was draped over her eyes and she rolled onto her side forcing him to withdraw his hand.  She was still spasming inside.

Yeah, that was a good one.

“Hey.”  Bucky laid his hand on her hip.  “You ok there?”

She didn’t speak, only gasped for air.

Jesus, he really had ruined her.  He felt guilty, for pushing her so close to the edge and holding her there so long.

“Talk to me Izzy.”

“I… I’m…”  Her voice was thick and rough as she tried to speak through shuddering breaths.  “I’m good.”  She said finally.

“If you wanna stop, I don’t mind.”  He said and he meant it.  Yeah sure they had a rule now that said they both had to get off but he could choose to leave it if he wanted.  He could knock one out in the shower or something later, it was no big deal.  He already felt like he’d gotten the best gift ever.

“Just gimme a sec.”  She moaned.

Bucky laughed, staying where he was, knelt on the floor at the foot of the bed.  He didn’t think he could move right then anyway without snapping his cock off.

“That good, huh?”

It was her turn to laugh.  A giddy kind of ironic laugh.

“It was alright.”  She quipped.

“I suppose you can handle another?”  Bucky taunted her.  He’d do it too.

“I suppose you think you can deliver?”

“Oh, darlin’ you’ve got no idea.”  He popped the button on his jeans and dropped the zipper before standing up.  His legs were a little weak from being cramped up for so long but he wasn’t going to show her that.

She watched him undress, lust-filled eyes tracing every line of his body until he dropped his shorts to the floor, freeing his cock.

Bucky knew he was pretty well off in the penis department.  Guys always knew if they were below average and Bucky was definitely not.  He wasn’t monstrously big but he had good deal going on down there, and no complaints made against him so far.

“Wow!”  Izzy’s eye went wide.  “You kept that to yourself, didn’t you?”

Bucky blushed, eyeing her coyly.

“You ready for me now?”  He teased her, swiping his tongue across his upper lip in a subconscious show of eagerness.

“Yeah.”  She sat up.  “You got the thing?”

“Oh!”

He scrambled to get his wallet out of his jeans pocket.  One condom, that was all he carried, just in case.  He tossed it onto the comforter beside her and grabbed her feet, pulling her to the end of the bed with him, making her squeak unexpectedly.

“You’re fucking gorgeous.”  This was the first time he’d ever told her that, without it being words of comfort for a broken heart, or a personal crisis.

“Shhh.”  She was embarrassed.  “No displays of affection.”

Nodding, he drew her to her feet and slid one hand up the inside of her thigh to the wetness that was smeared all over her labia and legs.  One quick tease was all he gave before he brought his fingers into his mouth, eyes rolling closed as he tasted her with a moan.

He trailed his fingers over her lips, offering her the mixture of her own flavour and that from his mouth.  She opened up and he pushed his index finger over her tongue where she swirled and teased his digit eagerly, maintaining eye contact.

“Unbelievable.”  He groaned pulling himself free with a pop from her lips.  “You sure you want this?”

One final ask, just to be sure.  He wasn’t even sure if they could go back after what they’d already done but once they fucked that would be it, no returning to how things had been, not ever.

“I want this.”  She reached down and took him in hand, stroking leisurely, getting a feel for him.

The condom went on in a fumble of fingers and awkward stroking.  He let her do it so she could get a better sense of him.  When she ran her finger around the tip he twitched so hard she grinned.

“Lie down.”  She watched the play of muscles in his chest and stomach as he scooted back on the bed, lying flat with one of her pillows under his head as well as both of his hands.  He put himself at her mercy.

Bucky felt like he’d died and gone to heaven as she crawled up the bed seductively, making a show of arching her back and swaying her hips as she went.  With her knees on either side of his hips she positioned herself over his cock, letting the tip rest at her entrance.  She maintained just enough pressure to keep him there but not sink down on him.  There she rocked her hips in tiny motions that added a little extra pressure that sent a thrilling tingle down his cock and into his balls.

He watched her intently, tongue playing slowly on his lips, lost in concentration and the sight and feel of her.  She was nothing less than flawless.  He always knew she would be.  Perfectly smooth thighs straddling him. Soft rounded hips so ready to wreck him like he had done to her.  Glorious breasts that fit so perfectly in his hands it was like they were made for him.  And her beautiful face, watching his reaction to the slightest thing she did.

A little more pressure and the tip of his cock popped inside, causing her to suck in a hissing breath.  Bucky remained still and let her work with what she had.  She bounced a little, pushing herself further.

“Fuck, Izzy!”  He moaned as she constricted him.  Jesus she was tight.  “Relax a little.”

“I’m relaxed.”  She smiled, rolling her hips a little more confidently.

She clenched down on him sending a sharp stab of incredibly intense pleasure through his whole abdomen, earning her a loud cursing groan in some language she’d never heard him speak before.

“Sorry, what?  I didn’t quite catch that.”  Smug, she did it again.  “This is what not relaxed feels like.”

Now she was fully seated, her thighs spread by his, she slid her hips back, drawing his cock back at an intense angle and with a smooth thrust forward she impaled herself on him again, sighing with pleasure.

With each stroke she brought him closer and closer to the edge.  She felt fucking amazing and she knew it.  The gasps and moans he made telling her a story of how to play him best, and she read him well.

Speeding up she leaned back, resting her hands on his knees for balance as she ground herself on his cock relentlessly.  It wasn’t frantic but it wasn’t slow either, she knew what she wanted from him and by god she was going to get it, and likely ruin him at the same time.

He reached for her, hands cupping her breasts and thumbing her hard nipples.  She faltered in her rhythm when he pinched her a little too hard but he felt the spasm of pleasure around his cock. 

Yeah, she really liked that.

Soon he was close.  Too close.  And she seemed to be holding back a little.  His thumb on her clit fixed that and she gripped him tight as he circled her quick and light.  He could feel the intensity rising as she came around him, crying out.  Her hips slowed as she lost all of her energy to the orgasm that was coursing through her.

Bucky gripped her hips and used the loss of her control to push and pull her onto him, thrusting up hard he fucked her through her orgasm and into his own.  Hips stuttering as pleasure shot him through and he pulsed inside her with a strangled moan.

She was already a boneless puddle collapsed and dozing against his chest, and he wanted nothing more than to hold her against him and cherish her until she came back to herself.  But rules.

He wanted to kiss her and tell her she was amazing.  But rules.

He stroked his hands down her back as he softened and slipped free of her.  Rolling them both over he made sure he got the condom before there was more mess than there needed to be.  He felt warm and fuzzy, bathed in an afterglow he could honestly say he’d never felt.  Maybe it was something to do with her, maybe it was the two of them together, but this felt different to him.

Izzy looked serene as she lay on her side, curled up.  Her eyes were closed and fluttered lightly as she drifted further into a deep sleep.  He didn’t have the heart to disturb her.  She was fine, breathing normally, just overwhelmed by feeling, or maybe it was the numbness after everything that she had succumbed to.

Bucky watched her for several long minutes before pulling the comforter over her so she wouldn’t wake up freezing.  He got dressed in a daze, not quite believing what he’d done.  What they’d done.  One thing was for sure though, there was no way his lust for her would ever go away.  Any hope of that happening went out of the window when she stripped his t-shirt from him and kissed his chest.

A glass of water left on her bedside table and a quick scout around to make sure that he hadn’t left anything behind then he was leaving her apartment, and leaving her behind.  With the promise of ‘next time’ he felt jubilant but also scared.

Chapter Text

Bucky got back to his apartment with just enough time to shower and get ready for work.  All the ride home he thought about Izzy, replaying in his head every look and every sound right down to her soft breathing as she slept.  He decided to shoot her a quick text just so she didn’t think he’d bailed on her for a bad reason.

[Buck]  Hey, sorry I had to leave for work.  You were comatose – cute, by the way.  Let me know when you’re up so I know you’re ok after the best sex of your life.  I’m gonna assume I passed the first audition? 😉

Bucky didn’t know whether he was overstepping or not but they both had a friendship that was full of mockery and jibes so he figured he was safe.  He didn’t know if it was ok to talk about what had happened, they didn’t cover it in the rules so he was just going to feel it out.  He wanted to tell her she was wonderful and that he’d not felt like that with anyone else, which was the god’s honest truth.  He wanted to tell her she was beautiful and sexy, and that he wanted her in whatever capacity she was willing to give herself to him.  He wanted to be with her but couldn’t tell her any of it.

His night at work dragged by, despite being busy.  Saturday nights were always packed, even after people started making their way to the night clubs.  Stark’s was open until 1am Friday and Saturday but 11pm every other night unless there was a special occasion like a birthday party or late night sports event that was covered on pay-per-view.

Bucky kept checking his phone.  He’d sigh, irritated, when he received a text that wasn’t from Izzy.  So that was basically all of them up until about 10 past midnight.

His heart jumped when he saw her name flash up on his phone.

[Izzy]  Yeah, I’d tell you it was more than alright but I wouldn’t want your head to get any bigger lol.

[Izzy]  And no being a creeper!  Watching people sleep is for perverts and serial killers.

[Buck]  I never said I wasn’t a pervert 😉

Bucky felt relieved.  The casual teasing was a sign that everything was just fine between them.  He tried to put his mind on the job but found he kept most of his attention on the device in his pocket, the slightest sensation against his leg and he was whipping it out to check if she’d replied.

He was putting together drinks for the last order of the night before he rang the bell for ‘time’ when his phone went crazy in his pocket; a phone call.  Hurriedly garnishing the cocktails and presenting the order he rushed the customer away.

He clanged the bell loud enough to wake the dead.

“Time at the bar!”

Then he was checking his phone.

1 Missed Call.  1 Message.

It was Steve.

[Steve]  You still coming clubbing after your shift?  Me and the boys are in Ikon. Let me know.

He was about to reply to Steve to tell him he’d be there by 2am when another text from Izzy came through.

[Izzy]  I think you broke me lol x

[Izzy]  I’m not broken enough that I can’t go again though 😉  If you’re free after work? X

Holy shit!  So soon?  Bucky practically punched the air in jubilation.  He replied to Izzy immediately but decided to leave his reply to Steve until he was actually leaving work.

[Buck]  Sure thing, doll.  I’ll stop by my place for a few things first.  Be about an hour x

[Izzy]  I’ll be waiting. X

Bucky was already getting that pre-aroused feeling low between his hips.  Just the thought of being with her had his head all messed up.  He broke 2 glasses as he rushed to clear up and forgot to stock the wine cooler before he left.  Tony, who lived above the bar called after him as Bucky almost launched himself out of the side door.

“Does my wine cooler offend you or sum’thin?  What am I paying you for here?”  Tony grumbled

“I’ll get it in the morning.”  Bucky stopped, turning back he gave the man a beseeching look.

“That skirt better be worth it.”

Bucky grinned, shrugging on his jacket.  “She is.”  He laughed and made a dash for the door.

He drove like crazy to his place, changed his t-shirt, sprayed some deodorant, grabbed a handful of condoms and a pack of gum and left.  He drove like crazy the few blocks to Izzy’s place too and she buzzed him in with the kind of haste like she’d been waiting on him.

“Hey!”  She said when she opened the door to him.  “You got here quick.  How was work?”

As soon as she opened the door it was only going to go one way.  She’d bathed and was all wrapped up in a fluffy bath robe, her hair was damp still and scrunched up on a messy bun.  Her skin looked radiant and the dimmed lights in the lounge were almost certainly purposefully low.  When he laid eyes on her he knew there was no way they were going to make it to the bedroom.

She had turned and padded barefoot into the lounge, leaving him to close the door behind himself but when he didn’t reply she turned with a frown.

Bucky was almost certain he looked crazed at that moment.  He kicked the door shut with his heel and was on her in a second, herding her backwards against the breakfast bar.

“Everything okay, Bucky?”  Her eyes were wide with concern.

“James.”  He ground out, tugging the belt of her bath robe until it came loose.

Izzy was quick to catch on, she smirked with satisfaction, and gave him a shit-eating grin when he got the robe open and saw what she was wearing underneath.

He groaned, rolling his eyes up to the heavens in such a show of supplication that she couldn’t contain her smugness.

“Izzy…”  He sighed, pushing the rob off her shoulders to fully expose the black and red lace lingerie set she wore.  The balconette bra pushed her breasts out perfectly, the lace sheer enough he could see her nipples.  The panties were a thong and also sheer.  Sheer enough for him to see that she’d shaved everything.

“Call me Bella.”  She took a cue from him, asking to be called by something other than what they normally called each other.

It suited her, especially seeing her like this, all sultry and dressed to seduce.  Bucky wasted no time cupping her breasts and squeezing them firmly.  He stepped closer, forcing her to arch backward over the counter, pushing her hips forward against his.

“Fuck, Bella…”  Bucky moaned into the valley between her breasts, squeezing them around his face, massaging them while he circled her nipples through the lace with his thumbs.

Trailing his tongue up the clean skin of her chest, he latched his mouth on the delicate spot above her clavicle and sucked.

Izzy recoiled, pushing him away with a nervous giggle.

Bucky searched her face for a brief moment before lowering his head and teasing the same spot with his tongue.  Izzy obviously didn’t want to be marked.  Bucky didn’t mind if she claimed him, but he’d never be able to tell anyone it was her mark on his neck.

“No hickeys.  Check.”  He mused as he shifted his attention to her legs, hooking his hands under her thighs and lifting her until her legs were wrapped around his hips.

His moment of looking at her in awe and exploring the new imagery of her lingerie, was over.  The breakfast bar was too high but the stools were not.  He deposited her roughly on the black varnished wood seat and shrugged his leather jacket off.

Izzy helped him, by unbuckling his belt as he dropped the jacket on the floor.  Soon she was reaching into the open front of his jeans and taking his cock in her hand.  He had been hard by the time she’d opened the door to him, anticipation built up until all he could think about was how she felt when he was buried in her to his balls.

“You’ve got such a pretty cock, but you know that already don’t you, James?”

He nodded and bit his lip, watching her stroke him.  The intense pleasure combined with the slight thrill of seeing himself in her hand as she teased him with her thumb, spreading his pre-come around the tip and under to where his frenulum was pulled tight, was intoxicating.

Bucky pushed his jeans and shorts down to his knees, pulling the condoms out of his pocket as he did so.  He dropped them on the counter, save for two; one of which he tucked into the cup of her bra, the other he rolled onto himself with practiced ease.

“You walking alright after this afternoon?”  He asked, breathy from her teasing.

She smirked.  “Pretty much.”  Her light but bashful chuckle told him otherwise.

“Well, you won’t be after this.”

He pulled her thong aside and buried two fingers in her straight away, earning him a startled gasp.  She gripped his shoulders hard and her legs twitched where they were loosely wrapped around his hips.  He curled his fingers ruthlessly, repeating the stroking motion against the softness of her g-spot while he worked her clit with his thumb.

Earlier today had been an exercise in control, a chance for him to show her that he could draw out her pleasure indefinitely, make her feel amazing for more than just a few moments.  Now, with her clinging to him as he relentlessly broke her down, he was here to show her his masculinity, and how much he wanted her.

Bucky worked her with his hand until the very second he felt her start to come.  He pulled his hand free and grabbed her hips, burying his cock in her all the way and stilled, fingers now only working her clit as she cried out and came around his sold shaft that stretched her almost painfully.

“Ohhhh, God!”  She cried out, scrabbling to pull him closer, clutching the front of his t-shirt in a death grip.

She felt exquisite, spasming and pulsing around him.  Her gasps were half laughs through the disbelieving grin she wore.

Bucky began to move, long slow strokes, pulling out almost to the tip and sliding home with a powerful but controlled thrust.  Gradually increasing the speed and forcefulness, he held onto the backrest of the stool with both hands and used it as leverage to fuck her harder and faster.  She was already reaching the edge of another orgasm, losing the strength in her legs so they slipped down off his hips.

He tucked his forearms under her knees and gripped the chair again.  She was so exposed now and he could see himself spreading her open, each thrust tugging against her labia, the pink flesh becoming more and more flushed as he ravaged her.

“Shit!  Bu-.”  She choked on his name.

Whether she realised and stopped herself, or whether she just couldn’t get the words out it didn’t matter.  All that mattered was the tight pleasure of her clenching around him and the ragged gasping breaths that tore from her throat as she came again, hard enough for tears.

Bucky slowed as she came, pushing her gently through the pleasure, giving her just enough to keep it alive so it wouldn’t just be an intense blinding flash of ecstasy.  He’d almost came then too.  The sight of her coming undone, seeing himself sliding in and out of her, his sheathed cock glistening with her arousal.

Sweet Jesus!

With his arms still hooked under her knees he picked her up and walked her to the sofa where he lowered himself to the cushions, still buried inside her.

Izzy looked at him then, like he might be a little crazy.

“Who are you and where have you been all my finding Mr Wrong life?”  She laughed, giddy and flushed from her release.  She had no way of knowing that her words had cut him deep.

His eyes watered to the point he had to close them.  It hurt.  He was insanely happy but it hurt like a shotgun blast to the chest, he should know, he’d had one.  A Kevlar vest was the only thing between him and death.  The pain was unreal, and right now he’d take that again if it would only replace this new pain, this fresh hell.

How could he tell her he’d always been here?  That he’d been waiting for her.  Always waiting for her.  He’d promised himself he’d never burden her with his feelings, and now they had rules.  He was bound twice by his word to keep all of this inside.

“Ride me.”  He gasped as the pain began to sap his arousal.  “Use me.  Fuck me.  I want you to ruin me.”  He practically begged her.

And she did, pulling him down by his hair, she smothered him in her cleavage as she began to grind herself on him.  She made him forget her words and forget the tears he’d almost spilled.  She made him forget he was Bucky Barnes, the man who had loved her since he was just a boy, the man who left his life behind to join the army because he couldn’t bear to be without her, the man who would live every day of his life by her side only in friendship if that was what she needed.

In those moments, there with her taking her pleasure from him, he was only James.  An abstract concept of a man, a fantasy, all bravado and cocksurety.  He lived each moment to enjoy it and the pleasure they shared.  This was the distance he needed, to almost be someone else with her like this.

She moaned loudly, throwing her head back as she began to peak.  He was swollen and riding the line between pleasure and pain where he’d kept himself until she was ready to come.  There on the cusp he waited, needing only the tiniest of pushes, a feather stroke of something different to pull his focus away from control and fully into the path of the freight train that was threatening to plough through him.

“James!”  Her sigh was like a chorus of angels.  She was so close, he could see her working for it, struggling to find her release.

With shaking fingers he reached and lightly pinched one of her nipples through the lace of her bra, then harder, twisting it in his grip.

Falling forward with a gasp that morphed into a low guttural moan, she climaxed.  Her last act before she began to slow was to return the favour.  She pinched his nipple hard and tugged on it until he twitched deep inside her and spilled with a cry that was part pain and part pleasure.

Bucky’s thrusts fell away and they both sat panting, sweaty and dumbstruck, his hands idle by his sides.  He couldn’t touch her.  He was too raw emotionally, right then.

“Christ!  I need to pee.”  She laughed and tried to stand, legs wobbling as she climbed off him and staggered away.

Externally he laughed, she was adorable and funny, but inside he was numb.  He thought he could do this, the no-strings sex thing.  Not with her, he realised too late.

Bucky pulled off the condom and tied it off, dropping it on the coffee table.

“Drink?”  Izzy walked past the sofa and went to the kitchen.

“Just water, is fine.  Thanks.”

“You gonna tell me about work now?”  Her question seemed too domestic now, too weird.

“Not with you dressed like that.”  He snorted a breath out nasally.

“Right, right, sorry!”   She grabbed the robe and covered herself.

Bucky was shifting his hips on the sofa, already pulling up his jeans and tucking himself away.

“I think it’s best to keep friendzone conversations separate from the sex stuff.”

Izzy looked at him sat there frowning at her and she must’ve known what it was that had gotten under his skin.  Her face grew worried as she passed him the glass of water.

He downed it.

“Look, I’m sorry if what I said crossed the line.  I guess I didn’t realise how it sounded when it came out.”   She looked sad and the last thing he wanted to do was make her feel guilty.

“Yeah, we can’t get caught up in that happily ever after stuff if you want to keep to the rules.”  Bucky ran his hands through his hair.  He did that when he was tired, nervous, stressed, self-conscious, among other things.

“Scared you’ll break Rule 3?”  She teased.

Goddamnit!  Why was she torturing him?

“Are you?”  His voice was as flat as he could make it, and he stood up to create some space between them.  “It’s a rule for a reason, is it not?”

She’d set that rule.  He already had feelings and for her to fall for him was his ideal situation.  But she obviously didn’t want it that way.  She just wanted him for the sex.

“Sorry.”  She looked tired all of a sudden.  “I’ll do better next time.  If you want there to be a next time?”

What was he supposed to say?  Yes, he wanted there to be a next time.  He wanted to be her every time.

“Yeah, okay.”  Bucky sighed heavily.

“Thanks, Buck.”  She smiled, almost relieved.

She was his kryptonite.  His main vice.  But also the thing that kept him ticking.  It was wrong to say she was his raison d’etre but she was pretty close.  Promises and rules, that’s what kept this thing together, like a fucking band aid to hold together a fractured but priceless Ming dynasty vase.  If it had to be, it had to be.  It wasn’t like he wasn’t getting almost everything he’d ever wanted for his whole adult life so far.

“Bucky?”

“I need a fucking smoke.”  He scooped up his jacket and pulled it on.  “I’ll be back.  Don’t fall asleep, and don’t get changed.”    He gave her a crooked smile and a wink.

“Ohhh!  God dayum!”  She blushed hard.  “Okay.”

Chapter Text

The still air was cool and refreshing against the damp skin at his nape, and the smoke from the cigarette warmed his lungs in perfect contrast.  The sun had already started to lighten the sky to the east, turning black into Prussian blue.

There was no traffic, no people, no signs of life other than the early chorus of birds anticipating the oncoming day.  It was peaceful there, outside her apartment building with his foot jammed in the door to keep it open.  He imagined briefly that he was the only person left on earth, like maybe they’d all been snatched away to the rapture or something, or that he’d been transported into a parallel dimension where he was the only inhabitant.  The world certainly felt that empty.

He drew another lungful of smoke deep, feeling the light spread of warmth and rush of chemicals in his blood.  Smoking was something he’d picked up in the army but now he smoked as little as he could; just a few a day, and during stressful situations or if he was drinking.

It was safe to say that he was stressed.  The whole sex thing with Izzy had him walking a high-wire of jubilant completion versus the stress of failure and loss.  If this thing between them collapsed, no promises of ‘friendship first’ would save them.

You can’t think like that.  You’d do anything to keep your friendship alive.

So would she.

Would she though?

Of course she would.

Pulling one last draw from his cigarette, he pitched the butt into the gutter.  He held the smoke in for a few seconds before blowing it out into the night and heading back inside.

Thankful for the gum, Bucky packed a few of the minty pieces into his mouth and waited for the elevator.  He wondered if Izzy had fallen asleep yet.  He honestly wouldn’t mind if she had.  Bucky had already shared more intimate moments with her than he ever thought he would.  Not more than he hoped, because he’d lived with these feelings for years, but he never thought he’d be able to have this, or anything close.

Knocking on her door lightly before turning the handle, his heart quickened in his chest.  Nervous again and feeling a little on edge, he stepped in to see in her fluffy robe behind the counter in the kitchenette, making a sandwich.

“You hungry?”  She asked, looking up and doing a double-take.

Something about him or the way he was looking at her made her stop.

Bucky could see a small piece of the black lace he knew she wore and his mind was right back to the moment she’d uncovered herself for him.

He was hungry alright.

“Not for sandwiches.”  He strode to her, taking the butter knife from her hand and leading her towards the bedroom.

There was something else he’d had a taste of that he wanted.  ‘Next time’, she had promised him.  Well, this was next time.  Bucky descended into that mental space where he’d found his alter ego, James.  James was the kind of man who took what he wanted and, although Bucky knew he couldn’t completely be that man, he filled as much of that role as he could.  That separation from himself that was just enough to make this ok.

“Bucky, is it not too soon?  Are you-?”

“James.”  He corrected her with a raised eyebrow, chastising.  By way of an answer he took the hand he still held in his grip and stroked it across the front of his jeans.

Her eyes widened in surprise.  “That quick?”  She was both shocked and pleased.

“That quick.”  He was almost smug about it.  “Ditch the robe.”  He instructed firmly.

As soon as she was stood in front of him, in that lingerie, all he wanted to do was strip her.  Bucky’s dreams of savouring each and every touch were overridden by James’ animal desire to have her naked and at his mercy.

Bucky freed himself of all his clothes and stood before her, hard and eager.  He fingered the thin strap of her thong, tugging it out only to let it snap back viciously against her hip.  She seemed to enjoy the sting so he did it again, causing her to bite down on her lip in a stifled but nonetheless audible moan.

“Bra off.”  He said, sliding his fingers into the cup to retrieve the blue packet he stashed there earlier.

She obeyed, watching his face as he watched her free her breasts, sliding the straps down and dropping the garment at her feet.  Her breasts were perfect.  Firm yet soft, ample but not too large, perky nipples inviting the kind of teasing she seemed to enjoy so much.

Bucky shoved her back onto the bed where she made a surprised squeak and flailed until she bounced on the mattress.  He tugged her thong down and dropped it to the floor with her bra.  He hovered over her, dragging his hands down her body, giving those soft pink nipples just enough attention to make them erect before kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed.

She resisted when he began to part her knees.

“Relax.”  He half whispered to her as he stroked the tops of her thighs.

“I should shower.”  She didn’t look at him, or couldn’t.

“I know you’re nervous.”  He said, and there was no shame in that.  She’d never had anyone go down on her before, she was bound to be unsure.  “But there’s no need.”

Her hands went to her face as she blushed.  It was really quite lovely how this woman he’d known almost all of his life could show him a vulnerability other than any he’d seen from her before.

“Just let me start okay?”  He slid his fingers between her clenched knees.  “Count to thirty and if you don’t want me to carry on then I’ll stop, okay?”

All Bucky wanted was the chance to show her how things could be if she was with him, how he’d make her feel amazing.

“Do we need a safe word?”  She said, still hiding behind her hands.

“I dunno, do we?”  Bucky teased her, chuckling.  The prospect that maybe they would need one in the future gave him a little jolt of excitement.  “You can always just tap out.”  He tapped the top if her thigh three times.

“Okay.”  She heaved a deep sign, exhaling slowly to compose herself.

Bucky slid his hands between her slightly more relaxed thighs, separating them gently.  He shuffled forwards into the space he created as he hooked her right leg over his left shoulder and flattened his left palm against the soft plane of her stomach, just above her pubic bone.

“Focus on the feeling.”  He placed kisses up the inside of her thigh, closer and closer to where he wanted to bury his tongue.  “Stay out of your head, okay?  I’ll be good to you, I promise.”

He winked at her and she laughed.  A nervous but light giggle.  It was short-lived. 

Bucky braced his hand on the inside of her left thigh, to keep her from clamping down on his head, as he delicately drew his tongue up over her smooth labia, tasting the sweet yet salty fluid that had already started to collect there.  The subtle musky scent of her added to the experience, and the sharp tang of rubber from the condom earlier went unnoticed after the first few passes of his tongue.

They moaned together, him losing himself in the sweet heat and subtle spasm of her core, and her trapped in the pleasure he was supplying with nothing but his tongue.

Mentally he counted to 30, half expecting her to be overcome with embarrassment and tap out early but she didn’t.  At around the 25 second mark he kissed her clit, sucking gently and circling his tongue loosely, catching the sensitive bud there a few times.  She gasped and thrust her hand into his hair, gripping tight she bore down on her own emptiness.

40 seconds and she hadn’t stopped him.  Grinning, he continued until she was practically grinding against his mouth, all wet and needy.  Her smooth and hairless cunt pulsed in appreciation of his attention.

Christ, she was sexy as hell.  How could he ever go back to just being friends after this.  He wanted her so badly, needed her almost as bad as he needed air to breathe.

She came apart, crying out some incoherent prayer in a gasping moan that sent a spasm right down to his cock.

“Ohmygod!”  Her words ran together in a slur as she came back to herself.  “I never thought…”  She giggled.

Smug, Bucky leant down one last time to suck a kiss against her swollen clitoris, earning himself a secondary cry as she bucked to get away.

“I know you don’t have anything to compare it to but I hope that wasn’t too bad.”  He was being falsely humble.  He knew he’d renewed her faith in men giving her oral.

She laughed, spluttering into a cough.

“Slight understatement.”  She choked out when she stopped coughing.  “I’m not all that good at sucking a dick but I’ll do my best.”

As Izzy repositioned herself so she could sit on the bed and have his cock at face-level if he stood, Bucky reached to stop her.

“Next time.”  There was a promise there.  “This time was for you, to make up for no one ever taking care of business for you.”

“Right.”  She blushed.  “That’s awfully generous of you.”

Bucky knew she intended no sarcasm there, but her tone… was she annoyed?

“Giving the poor neglected damsel all of the pleasure and taking none for yourself?”  She flirted.  “Selfless.”  She mothed the last word almost silently as she smirked.

“I wouldn’t say I got nothing out of it.”  Bucky stood up, confidently, lifting her hand to his throbbing cock.

He was solid and unyielding in her hand, skin stretched taught, a deep blush shading the weeping tip.

He sighed heavily as she stroked him gently.  Too gently.  He wanted friction, needed to feel her tight around him.

She licked her lips and leant forward, pressing a delicate kiss to his swollen head.

She kissed the tip!

He chewed his lower lip, a dilemma churning behind his adoring eyes.  Let her continue? Or keep to his promise of ‘next time’?

Izzy parted her lips, kissing him less chastely, if laying her lips on his cock could be classed as chaste in the first place.  A gentle lick of her hot tongue and his eyes fluttered closed.  Her tongue trailed lazily around the ridge, slowly teasing him until pre-come beaded at his slit and she dipped the tip of her tongue into the opening to taste him.

She moaned, opening up and letting him slide over her tongue and into her mouth where she sealed her mouth and sucked him deeper.  Her lips stretched around him and she drew pleasure from him in a torturously slow tease.

“Jesus, Bella…”  Her requested title gave her more power over him, he thought.  There was something supernatural about them together, like this.  Something in the way her big green eyes met his that had his balls tightening.

She played her tongue over his most sensitive areas, using her hand now to stroke where the absence of her lips left him neglected.  He ran his fingers into her hair as he watched her, so sexy and confident.

Then she did something different.  He didn’t know what exactly but it had him seeing stars.

Nope!  Not gonna last long like this.

“Ahhhh… ‘m gonna have to stop you there or this’ll be over too soon to be good for you.”  Bucky wasn’t embarrassed, it was merely a fact.  She should know what she did to him, not many women had affected him like her, no other women, in fact.

Gently he extracted himself from her mouth and then her grip.  The cool air in contrast to her warm mouth was enough to cause an ache.

“It’s already been good for me.”  She wiped the corners of her mouth with the delicate swipe of her index finger.  Even that was sexy for fuck sake.  “Great, I mean.”

“I can’t have you thinking that I’ve got no staying power, not so soon into this thing.  It’s a matter of male pride.”  He explained with a teasing tone.  It was unnerving how easy it was to talk to her like this, as if their friendship had already grown to adapt to this new addition.

Bucky thought then that this would be what a relationship with her would be like; open and trusting, completely honest and full of respect for one another, while still being playful and full of fun.

“What about how it makes me feel, knowing that I can affect you like that?”  She flirted.

You do!  Jesus Christ knows you do!  If you could only see into my head you’d know exactly how you make me feel, because god knows the words can’t come out of my mouth.  Promises I made to you and to myself, they’re like chains I chose for myself just to keep you with me.  If only…

Bucky knew she was teasing him, playing a role in this thing they were doing together, just as he was playing the role of James, she was Bella, her own alter ego so to speak.

“Trust me, I’m already weak at the knees.”  He gave her his most charming smile as she got up to use the bathroom.

Bucky had started to go soft by the time he reached for the condom.

“Can I help you with that?”  She had this cheeky smirk that made him want to fill her mouth with his cock just to wipe it off face.

He ran his hand into her hair, smoothing it back from her face as he silently guided her forward.  She eagerly took him in hand and licked a long broad line all the way up the underside of his waning erection, swirling her tongue around the tip before flickering it firmly over him creating an intense sensation that had the blood rushing back with an almost painful speed.

Bucky allowed her to continue for a few more moments.  “I think you might have told me some fibs.”  He drew her off him and tore open the blue packet.

“Oh?”  She stood, turned and knelt on the edge of the bed, telling him what she wanted from him with her actions alone.  “What did I lie about?”

“You said you weren’t good at giving head.”  He rolled the condom down and smoothed out the kinks before stepping up behind her and stroking his hands across her perfectly presented ass cheeks.

“I’m not.”  Izzy looked at him over her shoulder.  “Maybe you’re just easily pleased.”

The tip of his sheathed cock rested at her entrance as he pondered her statement.  That wasn’t it at all.  He could come quickly if he needed to but no one had ever driven him to the edge when he’d been trying to hold back.

“We’ll see.”  Was all he said before he thrust forward firmly with an even pace.

She was tight in a different way like this, bent over with her hips and ass up in the air.  The angle of her passage was different and it felt amazing in its otherness, pulling on his cock, bending it down slightly. 

Soon Izzy was clenching down on him, making him feel like he was pushing through treacle, the force of her muscles against him created such intense pressure that he felt his orgasm building far sooner than he wanted.

She gasped as he thrust faster, disrupting the steady grip and relax of her walls as he brushed against her pleasure centre.  His hands firm on her hips, pulling her pack against him harder and faster.  The slap of his hips against her ass and the backs of her thighs was verging on obscene.

Bucky wasn’t going to last like this either, but luckily neither was she.  With on hand gripping her shoulder and the other splayed on her spine between her hips, he fucked her ruthlessly.  The louder she cried out the harder he pounded her until she uttered a low moan that sounded almost animal in nature.  She pulsed and spasmed around him as he threw one final thrust into her, feeling the burst of bright ecstasy behind his eyes and in his cock as he came brutally hard.

Their joint grunts and moans subsided as they slowed, riding the last dregs of pleasure, feeling it seep away leaving lethargy and heavy limbs behind.

Izzy collapsed forward with her arms tucked under her and her ass still arched up, she just lay there panting.  Bucky had to admit that was a sight he would never forget.  Her core looked red and swollen and still twitched from the occasional aftershock of her orgasm, he’d fucked her good and proper.

He grinned, elated.

The silence was a little awkward as he picked up his things and disappeared into the bathroom to clean up.  The buzz of his post sex glow tingled all over his body.  He’d had great sex before and was pretty competent when it came to finding his way around a woman’s body but sex with Izzy was mind blowing.  There was an extra level of connection there, his feelings towards her definitely contributing.  He had no idea how he was going to keep the sex and love separate.  It wasn’t her problem though, he’d promised himself never to burden her with his baggage, never to tell her how he felt and ruin everything.

Bucky and Izzy fell back into their friendzone interactions easily enough once they were both dressed.  It felt comfortable now, the level of detachment clearly working for Her.

I can do this.  He told himself.  Be with her like this.  I can do anything for her.

It wasn’t difficult for Bucky and Izzy to continue their friendship as it had been and also maintain their dirty secret.  After the first few sex-filled weeks they found a routine where a few times a month they’d arrange something more clandestine than the usual nights out or dinner dates with Steve and their mutual group of friends.  They were careful and no one was any the wiser.

Izzy was the first to pick up a boyfriend and so she and Bucky stopped their friends with benefits arrangement.  It only lasted a few weeks before Izzy was calling it off, stating that the new guy just didn’t ‘do it’ for her.  Bucky couldn’t lie to himself, he was jealous of the new guy but kept it to himself.  He was secretly very pleased to hear that the now ‘ex new guy’ hadn’t survived the 2 month mark.  There were others but Izzy’s longest relationship since she’d first slept with Bucky was only 3 months.

Bucky tried seeing other women but he found that non of them compared to Izzy.  He mainly used the opportunity to make sure she didn’t think he was catching feelings, and also to take a step back when he was feeling overwhelmed with his unrequited love for her.  His longest relationship was 9 weeks.

Bucky knew how fucked up it all was, the hollow relationships and leading women on when he couldn’t love them, but it was working for him, working for Izzy.  He worried that if she thought he was falling for her that it would scare her off, so for over three years they maintained their status quo and he hid his feelings as he had done all of his teen and adult life.

Nothing ever stays the same, however.  It’s the very nature of the universe to drive change.  Entropy – chaos from order. It was only a matter of time before things came crashing down around him.

Chapter Text

Izzy sat in her office, skimming through documents and notes on a tedious case that she’d been handed involving one of the firm’s major clients.  It needed sweeping under the rug and apparently it was her turn to wield the broom.  When she made partner she would be able to pass these very irksome cases on to the juniors just as had happened to her.

The case was in negotiations at the moment and there was a chance she could get the plaintiff to settle but she’d need to use the leverage dug up by her intern to do so.  Corporate clients, famous ones at that, really were the worst with their ‘can do no wrong’ demeanours and their misplaced superiority.  Izzy hated that she was helping ‘the man’ stick it to the little guy and not the other way around.  But when she got where she was going she could choose her clients more carefully.

She sighed.  Today was Friday.  It was Steve’s birthday and there was a party planned at Stark’s.  She wanted to go.  She needed to go.  But at the same time she was shitting a brick about seeing Bucky again.

It had been almost a month since she’d seen him.  She had been avoiding his calls and barely replying to his texts since he broke rule 8 when they last slept together, she’d been struggling to keep her feelings for him separate from the sex.  Yes, it had been her idea to start this ‘friends with benefits thing’ and, yes again, it was her idea to make the rule about not catching feelings, but she’d done that for him.  Or rather so she could have him.

Bucky had always been the kind of guy who shied away from romantic commitment.  Ever since they were teenagers, all of his relationships had lasted no longer than a few months.  He’d either gotten bored or gotten annoyed by girls their age and dumped them unceremoniously.  Izzy couldn’t risk ruining their friendship if he was just going to get bored of her after a few months and break up, hence why she’d never asked him out.

There had been one time when he’d asked her.  Drunk and needy at a college party he’d said the words and she’d told him to ask her later.  If it was still a good idea to him when he was sober, then she’d have considered it but he never asked the second time.

She sighed again.  It wasn’t lost on her that she was playing around dangerously with rule 10; the friendship comes first, no matter what.  But seeing him would remind her of the beautiful thing that she could never have with him.  He’d teased her with it last month, making love to her in the shower, eyes locked and boring into her soul.  She’d almost kissed him.  Oh, boy! did she still want to.

The memory of his smouldering eyes, reddened lips and his breathy exaltation as they clung to each other had heat pooling low in her abdomen.

Get a grip on yourself woman!  She ridiculed herself.  You’re at work, bogged down in files outlining how some sleezy CEO sexually assaulted his assistant and your mind is wandering to lust-filled thoughts of the one man you can never have.  Ever!

“Uuugh!”

Notes made and amendments finalised, Izzy packed up for the evening.  She was leaving a little late but still had time to go home and get changed ready for Steve’s party.  He was turning 29 today.  Only Steve Rogers could be born on the 4^th of July.

After a quick shower and styling her hair in a lightly curled half-up/half-down do she applied nude make-up, nothing too glamourous.  Smoky grey eyeshadow, lined and smudged subtly, and a pearlescent nude lip tint.  Her dress was a peacock blue, sleeveless skater dress with a slash neck.  The material had a pleated effect, chiffon layered over the lining and twisting down subtly from the shoulders which were accented with delicate silvery embroidery.

Izzy looked good and she knew she did.  Her lightly tanned legs were on display, shaped to perfection by the high crushed silver leather stilettos she wore; Jimmy Choo’s were her favourite and she also had a matching clutch.

Stark’s was jumping.  Friday nights were usually busy but tonight there was a private party; Bucky had reserved the whole rear end of the bar for Steve’s birthday.  The party would continue late into the night but the public would be gone at 1am.

Pushing through the throngs of people lining the bar, Izzy made eye contact with Natasha, one of her friends from college who had subsequently become Steve’s friend over the years, and also Bucky’s.

Nat took her hand and pulled her through the last of the tightly packed public and into the one night only VIP section.

“I was starting to think you’d bailed last minute.”  She passed Izzy a glass of champagne.  “So… you look nice.”  Nat’s smile was one of approval.

“Thanks!  So do you.”  Izzy ran her finger tips over the lapels of Nat’s charcoal pinstriped jumpsuit.  “If looks could kill…”

“I’d be an assassin.”  She finished with a chuckle.  “I was born to slay, baby!”

That you were, Izzy thought.

“Where’s Steve?  I have a gift for him.”

“With the boys, in the corner.”  Nat downed her Champagne and reached for another from the complimentary drinks table.

Scanning the guests Izzy found Steve right where Nat said she would.  He was sat at table with high stools, his back was turned but she couldn’t mistake his broad shoulders and blond short-back-and -sides.

As she made her way towards him, her attention was drawn to the other side of the group.  Previously obscured by a pair of women she’d never met, Bucky sat on a stool, eyes bright, laughing at some joke Steve had made.  His James Dean hair was mused on top, slightly wavy and looking plush and gorgeous.  Dark stubble adorned his strong jaw and he looked like all of her wet dreams come true.  Black Chelsea dress boots, black slim fit jeans, a black Louis Vuitton shirt and a black leather jacket solidified this moment as the hottest Bucky Barnes had ever looked with clothes on.

He met her gaze.  His laugh faded gradually, leaving him with a warm smile.  He blinked slowly, letting her know he was happy she’d come.  Nervously he licked his lips as his attention was forced back to the guys around the table.

She was frozen on the spot, unable to move, unable to blink, unable to do anything other than force her lungs to work.  Breath in.  Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Don’t pass out.

Bucky flicked a glance back to her again, seeing she hadn’t moved, he touched Steve on the arm and nodded in her direction.

Steve turned and beamed a massive smile.  Jumping down from his stool he went to her and gave her a huge hug.

“Thanks for coming!”  He spoke into her ear.  “I wasn’t sure you’d make it what with you running late and all.”

“Of course I was gonna make it.”  She fussed.  “Work is never important enough for me to miss my best friend’s birthday.”

Izzy pressed a kiss into his cheek and passed him a small gift-wrapped box.  Steve tore into it immediately, revealing velvet ring box that contained a pristine 1916 Mercury Dime.

Steve hugged her fiercely, mumbling ‘thank yous’ into her hair.

“Happy Birthday old man!”  She laughed at his exuberance.

Dragging her over to the table, Steve showed everyone his gift.  His numismatist nerdgasm drew groans from everyone.

“Hey,” Bucky was at her side, his hand on the small of her back.  “Take my seat.”  He said, guiding her to his stool and helping her up while everyone was distracted by Steve’s antics.

“Thanks.”  Izzy blushed lightly.

“You look wonderful, by the way.”  He worked her over with his gaze until she felt heat rising under her skin.

“Thanks.”  Izzy swallowed hard.  “You look great yourself.”

His chuckle was more bashful than she would have expected from a guy with his confidence, who knew he was every woman’s wet dream.

“I was getting worried that you’d been abducted by aliens or had eloped and got married to the guy from the coffeeshop near your office.”

“Well he is kinda hot.”  She teased.

He smirked at her, eyebrow raised sarcastically.

“Listen, can we talk later?”  He leaned closer, his spicy cologne was tantalising.  “I know I fucked up, and-”

“What did you fuck up?”  Nat was there, hovering between them, poised in perfect eavesdropping position.

“I fucked up Steve’s surprise.”  Bucky recovered quickly.  Ever adaptable, ever ready to react.  “Izzy and I discussed it months ago, and I forgot.”

“What can I say?  Next time I’ll just make the arrangements myself.”  Izzy added a little too bitterly.

“Men!  Am I right?”  Nat scoffed in a disapproving tone.

“I’m an idiot.”  Bucky admitted.  “I won’t let you down again, I promise.”  His eyes never left Izzy’s.  Thankfully, Nat was too busy eyeing up Steve’s colleague, Bruce, to notice.

The party went well and Izzy had so much fun.  It was the most free she’d felt in weeks.  It felt good to be with her friends again, to see Bucky and for things to be mostly normal.  She didn’t know why she’d been dreading this so much.

Seeing him had been a shock to her system.  The way he looked tonight was a big slap in the face, a neon sign advertising everything she was missing out on.  It was something she had, in part, but was something that would never fully belong to her.  Izzy offered thanks to the universe that Bucky hadn’t shown up with a date, she didn’t think she could handle that right now.

Steve had been the life and soul of the party until around 3am where he crashed out on one of the leather sofas in the lounge area.  Izzy had sat with him until Bucky had come and guided her away to a private booth.  He slipped in beside her, sitting so close that their bodies were joined from knee to shoulder.

“I meant what I said.”  Bucky slurred.  He was pretty far gone but at least he could still stand up.  “I was an idiot. I’m sorry, Izzy.  Will you forgive me?”

“What are you sorry for, Buck?”  Izzy was entirely too sober to cope with him like this.

“I’m sorry for breaking the rules.”  He ran his hand through his hair, something he did when he was nervous, uncomfortable or distracted.

“Why are you sorry for that?”

“Because…”  He sucked in a deep breath and turned towards her.  “I made a promise and I don’t want to lose you, Izzy.  You’ve been there through all the hard times in my life and your friendship is something I value more than anything in the world.”

There it was again, the friendship flag waved high in the air for all to see.  Izzy loved a man who had put her firmly in the friendzone.

“And I missed you.”  He stroked her hair back from her shoulder, the backs of his fingers trailed against her neck, leaving a shiver behind them.

“Bucky, please.”  She sighed.

“You’re so fucking beautiful…”  He leaned forward to rest his forehead on her shoulder.  “And that dress, those legs…”  his hand slid over her knee and pushed the hem of her dress upward to reveal more of her soft skin.

“Stop.”  She was firm in her instruction but he didn’t stop.  “Someone is going to see us Bucky, I said stop!”

“You were the one who asked for this.  Tell me you don’t want it and I’ll stop.”  He nuzzled her neck, trailing his stubble across her sensitive skin.

Why was he doing this?  Teasing her, taunting her?  He knew she had a crush on him, she always had, he had to know.  And what was this?  Trying to manipulate her into his bed again?  Was that all she was to him now?  An easy lay?  She supposed she had set herself up as one with her crazy idea about being fuck buddies.

Jesus!

“Don’t be so cruel!”  Tears welled up in her eyes as she pushed him back right to the edge of the booth.  “You cite friendship in one breath but taunt me with sex in the next.  You’re a fucking hypocrite!”  She hissed as loud as she dared.

“You wanna talk about cruel?  I’ll tell you what’s cruel.  You!  You’re a fucking prick tease.  Offering me a taste of something you’ve got no intention of truly giving.”

“You’re an asshole, James Buchannan Barnes!  A top class asshole!”

She shoved him off the seat and onto his ass on the floor.  Scrambling over him she almost fell, twisting her ankle in her gorgeous but regretfully impractical Jimmy Choo’s.

“Izzy, wait!”  Bucky was loud as he called after her.  “Please don’t go!”

Outside in the warm July air her tears flowed freely.  A yellow cab was passing and she managed to get in just before Bucky came stumbling out of the door, jacket in hand.  Driving away she watched in the mirror as he raked his hands through his hair and kicked a bottle against the wall.  Glass exploded everywhere and absently she hoped he hadn’t hurt himself.

She sobbed all the way home.

Chapter Text

Another month went by and Bucky still hadn’t seen Izzy.  He knew he’d royally fucked up but she refused to see him and wouldn’t take his calls.  She barely replied to texts, and when she did it was more coldly than she had the month before. This time, however, she completely avoided any event where Bucky could even possibly be present.  As a result of which, even Steve had seen very little of her.

“What did you do?”  Steve interrogated him.  His training with the FBI obviously came in handy for some things.

“Drop it Steve.”  Bucky glared at his friend.  “She just…  She won’t come to my birthday.”

“If you know that for sure then you must know why.”  Steve reasoned, frustration tainting his normally calm tone.  “So, why?”

“We had an argument, okay!”

“At my birthday?  Over a month ago?”

“Yeah.”  Bucky frowned.  “Look, it’s fine.  I don’t need her to be there to have fun, okay?  Nat is organising this themed party for me.  She’s good at that sort of shit.  Izzy can come if she wants, she’s been invited, but I won’t hold my breath.”

“I’m calling her.”  Steve had his phone in his hand and hit speed dial before Bucky could even say the words ‘don’t you dare’.

Bucky’s mouth was dry as he tried to get Steve to see reason, arguing that Izzy could do whatever she wanted, and if that meant not going to his birthday then that was her prerogative.

“Hey sweetheart.”  Steve cooed and Bucky shut his mouth so fast his teeth snapped together.  “I’m good, thanks.  Oh you know me, trying to save the world every day.”

He laughed at some joke Izzy made.

“Yeah, exactly that.  Hey, listen…”  Steve put his persuasive voice on.  “A week on Wednesday there’s a party at Starks, I was just wondering if I could go with you.”

Smooth.  Bucky thought.  She might actually turn up if she thinks she’s doing Steve a favour.

“That’s right, it’s his birthday party.  Nat is- ohh.”  Steve’s face dropped in disappointment.

There it is.  The shutdown.  Bucky watched as Steve listened to Izzy, finally meeting Bucky’s eyes in a cold stare that meant nothing but trouble.

“Sweetheart, can you at least talk it out with him?  I’ll stay with you.”  He hummed as she replied.  “But the Marvellous Three have never skipped a birthday.”

Jeeze.  What a guilt trip.  Bucky felt bad for Izzy.  He’d fucked up, twice and she was getting the hard sell from Steve.

“Alright, I understand.  If you change your mind…”  He said with a defeated sigh.  “Okay, take care, okay?.”

With his phone shoved back in his pocket, Steve rounded on Bucky, standing tall and looking annoyed.

“You’re going to tell me now what the hell you did that has that girl in tears.”

“She was crying?”  Bucky felt like shit all over again.

“Yep.”  Steve crossed his arms over his chest, puffing up the impressive muscles he’d gained over the years.  “Spill.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, man.”

“Well you’re going to.”  Steve’s mouth set in that thin, downward-turned line that signified disapproval and stubbornness.  “Whatever happened at my birthday, you need to fix it.”

“I can’t fucking fix it, Steve.”  Bucky snapped.  “I’ve tried.”

Steve continued to scowl.

“She won’t reply to me or take my calls.  I sat outside her apartment for hours one night pressing her buzzer.  Even when one of her neighbours let me in and I knocked on her door she wouldn’t acknowledge me, and she was definitely home.  I waited outside her building one morning thinking I’d catch her on her way to work only to find out from a neighbour that she’d decided to work from home.  Nat’s tried to talk to her for me, Sam as well, and now you.”  Bucky ran his hands through his hair.  He was stressed to fuck right now and Steve pressuring him was only making him worse.

“And why is it that she won’t talk to one of her best friends in the whole damn world?”  Steve’s face was getting red.  “She used to forgive you for everything.  I can’t even begin to imagine how you’ve managed to fuck up this bad.”

As Steve unleashed his guilt trip tirade, Bucky could feel himself slipping.  His eyes were wet and he gasped for breath.

“I touched her, okay!”  he shouted above the continuous stream of guilt-inducing criticism.

“You did what now?”  Steve’s eyebrows were almost in his hairline.

“I got handsy.”  Bucky sighed, defeated.  “I was so fucking drunk, Steve, I put my hand up her skirt.”

“You’re an asshole for that, but it’s not enough for her to despise you this much.”  He said.  “What else?”

Bucky groaned.  There was no way he was going to give Steve the full background on this.  He’d already broken enough rules that he was sure it would be the final nail in the coffin of his friendship with Izzy for him to tell Steve about the arrangement the two of them had.

“I said some really shitty things.”  Bucky admitted.  “Called her a prick tease, a bitch, few other things I don’t want to mention.”  He dragged his hand down his face and groaned.

“Wow.”  Steve said flatly.  “Just, wow.”

“I wish I could take it back but I can’t.”  Bucky felt despair all over again.

“What the fuck possessed you, man?”

“I-”

“Wait…”  Steve interrupted before he could reply.  “You still love her, don’t you?”

“Steve-”

“The feelings never went away, did they?”

“I can’t-”  Bucky stopped himself.  “Did they for you?”  He asked, belligerently.

“Yeah, they did, Buck.”  Steve snapped bitterly.  “After years of harbouring a crush I couldn’t do anything about because me and my best friend were hot for the same girl who was our other best friend, it kinda just evolved into platonic friendship.”

Bucky nodded solemnly.  He and Steve had made a pact, just like he and Izzy had made rules, and he had betrayed them both, lied to them both, broken promises with them both.  He was a shitty friend and a despicable person.

“Why don’t you tell her?”  Steve softened.

“She doesn’t want anything like that from me, man.  Especially not now.  She’ll only think I’m trying a different tactic to get into her underwear.”  Bucky said.  “Our friendship is what I want to preserve.  It’s the only way she’ll be in my life, Steve, and not even that if I can’t find a way to fix this shit.”

Steve knew Bucky was right.  They both knew Izzy, and she wasn’t one to get suckered by a man, especially not one she knew so well.  Steve said she’d come around eventually but Bucky knew it wouldn’t be as easy as all that.

“Maybe it’s time to find someone to help you get over your feelings for Izzy.”  Steve suggested.

For Bucky, it was never as easy as finding someone to help him get over her.  Every time he met someone they just didn’t compare to the girl he’d loved virtually all his life.  It wasn’t about their looks, or even about their personality (well, sometimes it was about that) but it was more about their soul and how he felt with them.  Sure, he could like a girl and appreciate their aesthetic, but the only person he’d ever felt that deep and desperate feeling of need and love for, was Izzy.  His soul ached for her like his life depended on it.  The loss of her from his life would break him apart.

“I don’t want to use some poor girl because I feel shitty, Steve.”

“I’m not saying that.”  He grumbled.  “But maybe get back out on the dating scene.  Find someone who’s looking for what you’re offering.”

“And what’s that, exactly?”  Bucky scoffed.  “Emotional baggage and a streak of self-loathing a mile wide, covered in a pretty package with a side order of relentless sex?”  Bucky had no energy to sugar coat that shit for himself.

“I know several chicks who would go for that right now.”  Steve smirked.  “But I think you might be overselling the sex.”

“Really?”  Bucky half-laughed.  “The last girl didn’t have any complaints.”  He wasn’t going to think about the fact that the last girl was Izzy.

“Your mom doesn’t count as a conquest, Buck.”  Steve quipped.

“No, but your mom does.”  Buck retorted and they both fell into easy laughter.

It was always like that between them.  No matter how annoyed they both got with each other, a couple of joked insults and a bit of humour would set them on the straight and narrow.  Things were usually like that with Izzy too, but things had changed when they’d started sleeping together.  Bucky should have known it would turn bad.  It was always a mistake to mix a perfectly good friendship up with sex.  He couldn’t even say he regretted the sex though; it had been amazing, even if the cost was far too high.

Bucky and Steve laughed over more ‘your mom’ jokes as they headed out for lunch.  Thor was in town visiting.  He was one of Steve’s friends from back when he was in training with the FBI, and Bucky het gotten to know the man over years of regular visits.  Bucky had invited him to his birthday party the following week and the ginormous blonde would be in town until then.

Some bro time would definitely help Bucky take his mind off Izzy, if only for a little while.

Chapter Text

“You’re seriously going to leave me hanging?”  Nat complained as she stabbed her fork into her couscous salad.

She’d been harassing Izzy for a week about Bucky’s birthday party.  Ever since Izzy had told Steve she was too busy to help organise a party, Nat had been all over it.  Even Steve had stepped back and let her run with her enthusiasm.

With six days to go, Nat was adamant that Izzy go to this party despite her telling Nat that she and Bucky had fallen out.  The redhead hadn’t taken the hint as well as Steve had; she just kept on pushing.

“Natasha, please!”  Izzy beseeched her friend over a lunch of grilled salmon salad and a wine spritzer – she shouldn’t be drinking during office hours.

“So, you guys had an argument?  Don’t adults talk about this shit?”  Nat rolled her eyes.  “What happened anyway?”

“I’m not getting into it.”  Izzy sipped her drink as a way of finalising her statement.

“I get it.  He pissed you off.  But I’m asking for you to come to support me, not him.  You don’t even have to talk to him.”

“It’s his birthday, Nat.  How can I not talk to him?”

“Would it help if I cut his balls off?”  She fielded hopefully.

“Not really.”  Izzy sighed.  “Look, I’ll think about it, okay?  I’m not even sure an S&M party is even my thing.”

“It’s everybody’s thing.”  She scoffed.

“And this was Bucky’s idea?”

“Oh hell no!  He doesn’t know what the theme is yet.  I’m giving him his costume on the day.”  She giggled jubilantly.

“Wha-?”  Izzy snickered.  “Please tell me it’s a gimp suit.”

“There you go!  Have a laugh at his expense, it’ll make you feel better.”  She chuckled.  “It’s not a gimp suit but I could throw in a ball-gag if you didn’t want to hear him speak all night.”

“I love you.”  Izzy grinned.  “You know that, right?”

“Does that mean you’ll come?”

“It means I’ll think about it.”

“Okay.  Your costume better be hot though.”  Nat said, matter of fact, as she dug into her lunch.

The decision to attend Bucky’s birthday came the next day when Nat laid an extra thick layer of guilt on top of all the ‘supportless friendship’ guilt she’d already applied.  That, and the fact that Nat heard from Steve that his friend Thor was in town.

That guy was hotter than the fires of hades and if there was anyone who could distract Izzy from her argument with Bucky it would be Thor, or at least that’s what Nat had tried to sell her on.

No matter how salaciously the redhead supplied suggestive comments, Izzy had no intention of sleeping with Thor, maybe just a little flirting, a little wishful thinking.  Thor was Steve’s friend and Izzy wouldn’t do that to him.

Really?  Wasn’t Bucky also Steve’s friend?

Izzy shut down her mental berating with a sharp pinch of her ear lobe.

In truth, Izzy felt a little bit guilty intending to miss Bucky’s birthday party.  Since they’d been kids, her Bucky and Steve had always been together on each of their birthdays – except when Bucky was in the army; conference calls were the substitute.  She’d already bought his birthday gift well before their argument, even before Bucky’s rule breaking; it would be a shame not to let him have it.

“How S&M are you expecting my costume for this party to be, exactly?”  Izzy asked Nat over the phone on Sunday night.

“Well I don’t expect you to show up trussed up and hanging from a dom-swing on wheels, being rolled in like an interactive display by a pair of gimps, if that’s what you’re asking.”  Nat chuckled.  She knew Izzy was rolling her eyes on the other end of the phone.

“What are you wearing?  That’s what I’m asking.”

“I’ve got a black leatherette jumpsuit with a cute little utility belt to hang my toys on.”  There was a smirk in her voice.

“What toys?”

“Oh, you know, big black rubber truncheon that’s shaped like a dong, handcuffs, flogger.  That sort of thing.”

“So, the contents of your top drawer, then?”  Izzy teased, and Nat laughed knowingly.

“Girl, that shit is tame.”

“For you, maybe.”

“What are you thinking for yours?”  The redhead asked after a giggle-filled pause.

“I honestly don’t know.  I don’t want to let you down but I’m not really comfortable with putting it out there in public.”  By ‘it’ she meant her scantily clad body.  Izzy wasn’t all that shy but there were just some things you drew the line at wearing.

“You’re hot and you know it.  I expect nothing less that sex on legs.”  Nat said firmly.  “Why don’t you get one of those pvc leotards.  You know, the ones cut really high at the hip.  And some thigh high boots.  Cheeky little pvc cap?”

“Really?”  Izzy groaned.

“I mean, you’ll be mostly covered.”

“Except for that scant little vee of material covering my cooch.”  Izzy rebuked.  “I bet they’re thong backed as well, are they?”

“What about fishnets?”

The lack of an answer from Nat mean that, yes, it did have a thong back.

Izzy sighed.

“What about a dominatrix costume?  Like a full-on pvc coat?”

“Too warm.  I’ll fucking melt.”

“Jeez, you’re so fussy.”  Nat teased.  “Have you not got something in your box of tricks you can use?  Kinky nurse costume?  Hot-looking corset?”

“Nat, I’ve literally got a black mesh dress-”  Izzy started to explain, frustration apparent.

“God you’re so boring.”  Nat interrupted, exasperated

 “and a roll of bondage tape.”

“Why am I even still friends with you.”  The redhead quipped.  “Say what now?”  Nat had only just realised what Izzy said.

“I’ve got a little dress, one of those short-sleeved off the shoulder types that’s go so many slits that it doesn’t cover anything, and a roll of bondage tape.”

“Well, it’s a start.”  Nat was laughing.  “A dress made of bondage tape could be fun.”

Izzy had fallen victim to an impromptu visit from the redhead after work the following day.  There had been a great deal of Nat invading her privacy and making demands, but Izzy just sat on her bed with a sad kind of defeated look on her face and watched whirlwind Natasha drag all of her private things out of hiding.

The roll of red bondage tape and a pair of nipple clamps with bells on that Bucky had bought (breaking the rules a little) for them to use, were sat on the top of her comforter, eyeing her with distain.  The clamps were for her but the tape was for him.  She remembered the first time they’d used them and blushed hard, trying not to think about how she’d felt having all that control over him.  Of course, he’d tied her up too but that came after.

“So, wear the dress.”  Nat tossed it at Izzy, her fingers slipping through the very open weave mesh of the garment.  “Those ridiculously high pumps are good and, I dunno, wear some lingerie underneath or something.”

Izzy didn’t argue.  She was too wrapped up in her memories of sex with Bucky.

Chapter Text

The morning of Bucky’s party, the firm was abuzz with energy and excitement.  The partners were all in the main conference room waiting for a big new client to arrive.  Izzy knocked on the frosted glass door and was ushered inside furtively.

“We’ll have to put certain cases on the backburner, of course.”  Claire spoke in her most practiced drawl – her version of a poker-face.

“With the retainer Mr Pierce is offering, we could put all of them on the backbur-oh Isabella you’re here.”  Gerry Markham, one of the founding partners of Markham & Maddox fixed Izzy in his gaze.  “I’ve asked you to join is today because I think you’ll be an asset in these negotiations today.”

Izzy was slightly confused.  It wasn’t the first time she’d been included in new client acquisition but with the gossip she heard on her way up to the top floor, this new client was non other than Alexander Pierce of Goodwin Enterprises, formerly Senator Pierce and, even more formerly, Director Pierce of the government espionage agency S.H.I.E.L.D.  Izzy nodded and settled in a chair next to Claire.  She would be lying if she said she wasn’t nervous.

Around the table were faces she knew and worked under, and hoped to join one day.  Could this be her opportunity to show them she was made of the right stuff to be counted amongst them in this glass penthouse? Could this be her ticket to make partner?

The door opened and two men were shown inside.  The first was tall and well-built with a rugged-looking face, his dark hair short and squared on top which reminded Izzy of military hair styles. He wasn’t unpleasing to the eye in his dark suit but she supposed that he was the bodyguard; he practically screamed “secret service” with his surveying glances around the room upon entering.  Her suspicions were confirmed when the second man entered.  He was much shorter, with smiling eyes, a slick-styled hair cut and wearing a much softer-looking grey suit.  He gave off an air of authority whist seeming quite casual.  This was Alexander Pierce.

Introductions were made, hands shaken, drinks served and then privacy restored; once the junior staff had left the room conversation began in earnest.  Izzy found Mr Pierce fascinating.  He seemed so kind and yet there was so much power and influence under the surface, she had no doubt that he could be ruthless too.  His companion on the other hand, his chief of security Brock Rumlow, didn’t even try to hide his manner or his masculinity for that matter.  Mr Rumlow eyed Izzy and Claire like pieces of meat.  His appraising glare made Izzy feel like prey but Claire drank it in and returned what she got like the lioness she was.

“My needs are quite general and also quite specific, Gerry.”  Mr Pierce smiled, closing a Markham & Maddox brochure that was open in front of him.  “My enterprises require round the clock attention and my needs are both defensive and offensive.  I have many competitors in the various fields in which I operate so I requite a talented individual or team of individuals to be with me wherever I am based.”

“Of course, I think we can accommodate that, Mr Pierce.”  Gerry seemed nervous.  “You’ve had some time to peruse our partner and junior portfolio, is there anyone you feel will fit the bill?  I recommend Claire here very highly, she’s an excellent litigator as well you know.”

“Yes, she is indeed,”  Mr Pierce nodded and beamed a huge smile at Claire, his eye flickering slightly to Izzy at her side, “my congratulations on wining your most recent case.  Sadly, Luxor, one of my lesser enterprises fell prey to your prowess.”

Izzy had not realised that Alexander Pierce had owned Luxor, the company that her and Claire had shot down the other week when they tried to take over their client.  Izzy had put a lot of work into that case, investigating them for everything she could think of.  They were a shell company, she’d uncovered that much, and their financials were shady at best.  Markham & Maddox had left Luxor dead in the water, so why was Alexander Pierce here seeking to hire them?  Was he impressed with their work or was he seeking to get on side the only people who had ever gotten in his way?

“I’ve had my eye on Ms Freeman, actually.”  Pierce levelled Izzy with a bemused smile. “Her talents are varied, yet she’s proven herself to be both a thorough and skilled defence attorney and an expert litigator.  It was you, was it not, who assisted Ms Goldstein here in the case against Luxor?”

Izzy swallowed hard.  “Yes, I was Claire’s assistant on that case.”  She kept her voice even and her face placid.  “As lead counsel, Claire handled all of the depositions.”

“Not all of them.”  Mr Pierce’s bemused smile never shifted from his face.  “I followed the case closely and was quite impressed by you.  You have a keen mind and I need someone like you on my side.”

Around the room there was a mixture of pride and annoyance on the faces of the partners.  Mr Pierce was a bigger fish in the big pond, the money he would bring in was staggering.  There was no shortage of jealousy here, but these people had already made partner, this was her time to move up.

“I’m flattered, thank you.  Credit where it’s due though, Claire is much more experienced than I am.  I’m happy to be part of these negotiations, I’m sure we can find the best possible balance for your needs, Mr Pierce.”  Izzy smiled, feeling good about the prospect of promotion if she was chosen for this role.

Once Alexander Pierce had left and the rest of the partners were going back to their offices, Izzy flopped back in her chair with a great exhale.  Three hours of discussion and negotiations and she still didn’t know exactly what the work would entail.

“You did well.”  Claire said, reaching to squeeze Izzy’s hand.  “Pierce seemed so dead set on having you head this up.  This could see you make partner.”

“Do you really think so?”  Izzy hoped beyond hope, if not for the prestige then for the money.

“Even if you decline Pierce and I am appointed, it’s only a matter of time until you’re up here with the rest of us.  You’re good, Izzy.  Really good.  You’re just not a natural shark like I am.  You are capable of it, sure, you’re vicious when you want to be but it’s another speed for you, not your primary one.”  Claire was proud of her, she could tell, and that meant a lot.  “Who’d have thought I’d be second best to anyone.”  Claire laughed and pushed her chair pack, sweeping out of the conference room with grace.  Later they might go for a few drinks to celebrate, but shoot,  it was Bucky’s party and she’d practically told Nat that she would show her face, if only to show support.

Izzy had a lot to think about for the rest of her afternoon.  Lunch had been a blur of coffee and sushi, hastily grabbed from place near the office, it certainly wasn’t her favourite place but it was convenient.  The offer of joining Alexander Pierce’s team was fraught with tough decisions.  She had a case load already that would have to be passed on, clients who trusted her would be pushed aside for her ambition. The offices Goodwin Enterprises was situated in London, England, which would mean that she would be moving to England for the foreseeable future, if not permanently.  She would miss her family, her friends, her apartment; this city would be hard to leave.

Even though her and Bucky had fallen out, Izzy hoped to get their friendship back on track.  Perhaps she’d avoided him long enough.  Her heart yearned for him, it always did.  That was part of the problem; she was in love with him, but for him she was just someone he could have regular sex with and not have to maintain a relationship.  She knew that that exact thing was what she had asked him for those few years ago, and their arrangement had worked for that long perhaps it would continue to do so if she chilled out more and tried not to hold every little mistake against him.  They always forgave each other, so why not forgive this?

Izzy decided to talk to Bucky that night at his party.  She would try to mend bridges just in case she took the job with Mr Pierce; she couldn’t leave on bad terms.

Chapter Text

Izzy stood in front of her mirror with her hair curled and pinned up loosely to look seductive.  Her make-up was far more dramatic than her usual nude style with light smoky-eye.  Her skin was bronzed, eyes dark, lashes heavy and lips a deep burgundy red.  The black patent leather stiletto pumps Nat had instructed her to wear made her legs look long and shapely, leading the eye up to where red bondage tape spiralled up one leg from the ankle, overlapping to create a tight skirt at the top of her thighs, and winding a spiral up again until it overlapped across her chest to cover her breasts.  Atop of that, she wore the black mesh dress that didn’t covered anything at all, and she had attached the jingling bell nipple clamps to the fabric just where her nipples would be had they not been covered with the tape.  She felt ridiculous but had to admit that she looked amazing, like something from an S&M porno meets Victoria Secret.  Natasha would approve. 

Izzy bounced a little to jingle the bells.  She recalled the first time she’d seen those nipple clamps. 

The tinkling sound of bells distracted her from admiring the lean and muscled perfection that was buck-naked Bucky.  He’d stepped out of her bedroom for a moment, having forgotten something so important that he had to leave her, hot and flustered, with an aching heat between her legs.

“What’re those?”  She propped herself up on her elbows and regarded him with a lidded gaze as he stood by her feet at the end of the bed.

“They’re for you.”  He was grinning like a Cheshire cat.  “Humour me, will you?”

She didn’t know what he was playing at but usually when Bucky had a bedroom plan it ended in euphoria and shaking legs for her.  She knew he wouldn’t try to push something new onto her without asking first.

He tossed the tinkling bells onto the bed beside her but kept hold of the other package until she’d examined the first.

Scooping up the bells, she turned them over in her fingers.  A pang of nervousness combined with a slight thrill of excitement sent a flush to her cheeks and her heart jumping.

“Nipple clamps?”  She asked sceptically.

“You lov- um, you enjoy it when I pinch you so I figure this is the next step.”  He explained.  “And it’ll free up my hands to do other things.”  He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Izzy couldn’t contain her nervous giggle.  “Okay, I’ll try them.”  She said almost too eagerly, working out how easy the slider was to move for more or less pressure.  “What’s the other thing?”

“This is a little bit more of a bigger ask.”  He came and knelt on the bed next to her.  His cock was at half-mast, hanging between his parted thighs.  “It’s tape.”  He said finally, when she looked up from his lazy erection to find him watching her face with a smirk.

“Tape, Like duct tape?”

“Bondage tape.”

“You want to tie me up?”  She asked, a little scared by the prospect.

“If you want to, we can, but this is for me.”  He was unashamed, but his vulnerability and his trusting gaze set her heart fluttering.  He was baring a secret part of himself to her, and she felt more than a little privileged, she felt profoundly moved.

“Whatever you need.”  She didn’t hesitate, offering him her unconditional acceptance.

Bucky looked at her with a mixture of relief and contentment as she examined the roll of plastic tape.  It felt strange to her, not at all like she expected.  It wasn’t sticky but it did stick to itself spectacularly well, a little like industrial grade saran wrap.  Izzy unrolled a piece and wrapped it around her wrist before tearing the roll off.  It smothered the skin on her arm and would definitely leave a sweaty patch underneath.  It tore easily enough in single layers and would definitely be more comfortable than things like handcuffs and cable ties.

“I can wait for this.”  He broke her train of thought, holding up the roll of red tape.  “I think we should start with these.”  He jingled the bells at her with an impish grin as he pushed her back onto the bed.

The sex that night had been a different kind of exciting.  Bucky had made sure that she put the bells on herself first, adjusting it to where she felt comfortable.  Later she’d let him do it for her, pushing her pleasure/pain boundaries a little at a time.  Bucky always knew how to make her body sing, it was like his superpower.

The last time they’d used the clamps had been the first time she’d been bound with his red tape, and the first time she’d experienced the illustrious nipplegasm.

She’d worn the bells all throughout their foreplay.  Bucky had tongued her nipples around the clamps, jingling the bells with the rapid and firm flicking of his tongue.  She’d come, desperate and needy without him so much as blowing on her soaking wet cunt.  He’d built her up until she was practically writhing under him, wrists bound in red tape and strapped to the sturdy wooden bars of her headboard.  Reading her body so well he’d pushed her to the edge of oblivion multiple times, teasing her with it, tempting her only to withhold that last push that would send her spiralling over the top.  Izzy had begged him, sobbing his name until she thought she would have to use their safe word.  Having pushed her right to the edge again he finally let her come.  Twisting the clamps in his fingers he tugged them from her skin roughly, creating the most acute and exquisite sting that shot a bolt of pleasure from her nipples to her cunt, which spasmed brutally as she came.

Suddenly Bucky’s fingers were inside her, drawing out her pleasure.  He moaned as he felt her pulsing around him and as she began to calm he’d loosed her from her bindings, drawing her arms down and rubbing her hands in his.  Once satisfied the blood flow was normal, he laid one of her cool hands on his solid cock and lay back as she took him into her mouth and finished him off with ease.

Izzy blinked hard, her reflection coming back into focus.  All the memories of her and Bucky swam around her brain, bringing tears to her eyes.  She missed him fiercely and decided that she would try to patch things up with him, tell him she forgave him, set things straight.  Would she tell him about her feelings?  Doubtful.  That was her last-ditch effort to save something of their relationship if things went bad; her Hail Mary.

Steeling herself, she swung on her charcoal grey trench coat and grabbed her clutch.  Her taxi would be arriving momentarily to carry her to Stark’s Bar & Grill, back to her good friends, and back to Bucky.

Chapter Text

Thor’s booming laughter penetrated through the locked bathroom door, making Bucky smirk.  The blonde beefcake had arrived at Bucky’s apartment with Steve and Bruce for some pre party drinks, and had been recounting as many embarrassing tales as he could remember from he and Steve’s time as rookies with the FBI.  Steve had shown up dressed as Neo from The Matrix which Bucky wouldn’t have minded dressing up as; Neo was cool.  Thor was wearing jeans but no shirt, instead he had a harness; very minimal but effective.  And Bruce was dressed in steampunk style with a top hat and brown leather highway coat and no shirt under his waistcoat; he looked like something out of a magic Mike act.

Bucky let the hot water roll over his skin, relaxing him, as he took some deep breaths.  Natasha would arrive soon to give him his ‘mystery costume’, and Bucky was certain that it would end up in embarrassment for him.

Fuck it!  He thought.  It’s my birthday.  I’m supposed to be the centre of attention, right?

Bucky styled his hair, splashed some cologne and gripped the sides of the sink as he eyed his reflection.  The smell reminded him of Izzy, she’d bought him the scent for Christmas.  He wondered if Nat had somehow managed to convince her to come tonight.  God knows Steve and his guilt trips had failed.  If she didn’t, Bucky promised himself that he would enjoy his night regardless and try not to dwell on it, though this would be the very first time that any of The Marvellous Three missed a birthday without so much as a phone call.

“Hey, you still in there?”  Thor banged on the door as his voice boomed through the wood making Bucky jump and curse.  “Some of us need to relive ourselves, powder our noses and such.”

Powder our noses?  Bucky mouthed with a smirk and shook his head.  That guy was amusing to say the least.

With a towel around his waist, Bucky headed to his room to pull on a t-shirt and some sweats.  There was no point in getting dressed properly until he saw what Nat had planned for him.   He hoped to god she wasn’t going to make him wear some tight slutty nurse dress or a tutu.

“Beer?”  Steve asked from the open fridge.

Bucky nodded. “Did Nat text yet?”

“Yeah, she’s on her way.”  Steve smirked.  “She asked if you had baby powder.”

Bucky groaned and rolled his eyes.  “Jesus.”

“Someone might be wearing lots of hot tight leather tonight.”  Thor winked.

“Or a gimp suit.”  Bruce snorted.

“Oh!  With a zipper mask.  That would be fun!”  Thor clanged his beer bottle on Bucky’s.  “Cheers!”  He chugged it back.

“Cheers, yeah.” Bucky chugged half his beer, he’d need a few more of those before long.  Suddenly, the door buzzer went off and Bucky rushed to the intercom.  “Yeah?”

“Express delivery of one mystery costume.”  Nat’s voice sing-songed over the speaker.

“What is it?”

“You’ll see soon enough, now buzz me in, birthday boy.”

Bucky held the button down to release the lock downstairs and held his breath.  This was it.  Time to find out if he’d be pissing through a secret flap or would have a breeze around his balls all night.  By the time a black-leather-clad Natasha arrived at his door looking like some assassin-minx, Bucky had sweaty palms.  She shook a big garment bag at him and beckoned him to his room.

“Oh that’s not bad.”  Bruce stood with his hands on his hips looking down at the black leathery-looking costume.  “it’s S&M but also cult-classic, and 80’s themed.  Those look quite realistic.”  He waved a pointed finger at a cluster of silvery blades.

“At least it covers everything.”  Thor patted Bucky on the shoulder.  “You were concerned about tutus earlier, yes?”

“Yeah, I was a bit.”  Bucky rubbed the stubble on his chin, as he pictured himself in the costume Nat had provided.  “I kinda like it.”

“I think it’s great.”  Steve beamed.  “I’m almost jealous.  Almost.”

There were a lot of straps and buckles, and it looked skin-tight.  Bucky was glad he was still in army shape or he’d be sporting quite a gut in this thing.  He picked up one of the gloves, the blades did indeed look quite realistic but they were all light-weight rubber or plastic.

“So Edward Scissor hands is a success?!”  Nat beamed.

“Yeah.”  Bucky said, still eyeing the costume laid out on his bed.  “Yeah!”  He added more enthusiastically.  “You did good, thanks Nat”

She leant in to give him a hug and quickly released him.  “Right, hurry up then, lets get this show on the road.”

Stark’s looked and felt completely different when he stepped through the doors.  The main bar area was open to customers but the walls and ceiling had been decorated in white chiffon and silvery decorations.  Towards the back, where Bucky had sectioned off a VIP area for parties in the past, red lighting and dark brooding colours gave the effect of stepping into a demon’s dungeon.  A smoke machine with a fog cooler trickled out a rolling mist that crawled across the floor only to dissipate before it reached the area that marked the boundary of the VIP area.  The whole place looked like heaven and hell.

“Wow!”  Bucky turned in circles as he checked out all of Nat’s hard work.  “You’ve outdone yourself, truly.”  Bucky reached for her and pulled her in for a tight hug, trying not to get his scissor hands caught in her hair.

“You like?”  She grinned.  “I knew you would.”  With a cheeky wink she left them and went to make sure the music arrangements were set and the drinks for the VIP area were in place.

“No way Tony signed off on this.”  Steve fingered some chains that were hanging from a floor standing ornate metal candle stand.

“Tony absolutely did sign off on this.”  The big man himself had his arms wide open to receive Bucky in a huge hug.  “Happy birthday, kid.”

“Thanks, uncle Tony!”

“Oh it’s uncle Tony now I do something nice for you huh?”

“Well, you know…”

“Don’t thank me so soon,”  Tony smirked, “you boys are on clean-up duty.”

With groans all around and Tony laughing away to himself, Bucky looked around the bar.  There was a short while before party guests should be arriving and the regular customers of Stark’s had been warned about the private area in advance.  People were looking over at them all trussed up in their party costumes but Bucky didn’t care, he felt pretty good right then.

“Right!”  He declared.  “Who’s buying me a drink?”

The party got under way shortly afterwards.  A lot of guests arrived at the time Nat told them to; she had a knack of getting what she wanted.  For Bucky it was a blur of faces, birthday wishes, drinks handed to him before he’d finished his last, and being passed around the dancing area so all the ladies could get a dance with the birthday boy.  It felt like he’d been dancing for hours and he was getting a bit sweaty in his full-body leather suit.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Natasha put her drink down quickly and push through the crowd on a path to the door.  Bucky watched, following her path until he saw what she was hurrying for.  His heart almost stopped in his chest, breath stolen as he laid eyes on the one person he least expected to see; the one person he most hoped for.  Once her trench coat came off, Bucky was done for.

Izzy looked stunning, she always did.  Natasha set the party them and Izzy certainly understood the assignment.  His mouth went dry when he realised she was wearing red tape spiralled around her body like some skin-tight couture cat suit; his tape.  The black mesh dress she wore over the tape hid absolutely nothing, but he supposed that was the idea.  As she drew closer he saw that the only jewellry she wore were two silvery bells attached to the front of her her dress, exactly where Bucky knew her nipples would  be.

Suddenly he felt dizzy, sick, excited, panicked and aroused all at once.  He knew in an instant that he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t see her like this, or talk to her.  With his drink hastily discarded on a table he headed to the back where he knew the cold room would afford him some comfort and privacy.  The door was fixed in his line of sight and he almost got there, almost reached the keypad that would take his code and let him enter into safety.

“Where are you going?”  Thor stepped right in Bucky’s path.

“Bathroom.”  Bucky said, trying to side step him.

“You must be very drunk,” Thor grinned, “the bathrooms are the other way.”

Bucky panicked.  He could sense his doom fast approaching, and when Thor’s eyes went wide, he knew exactly who was stood right behind him.

“Bucky?”

Her voice was just as soft as he remembered from back before the newer memory of her screaming at him and leaving him alone on the sidewalk.  It pulled on something inside him, something that was no longer just their friendship, but something engrained in his very core.  He turned.

“Izzy?”  Tears welled up in his kohl-lined eyes.

“Surprise!”  She smiled big but she was hesitant when she leaned in to hug him.  “Happy Birthday.”  She said when he finally wrapped his arms around her.

“I didn’t think you’d come.”  Bucky almost choked on his words.  He had dared to hope she would come but never for one second thought his hopes would become reality.

“I almost didn’t.”  Izzy confessed, still holding on to him for a moment longer.  “You look fantastic by the way.”  She looked him up and down.

“You look…”  Bucky’s mouth floundered for words but his brain supplied:  like sin and all my dreams come true.

“Too much?”  Izzy cringed.

“No!  No.  You look amazing.  You always look,” he swallowed, “amazing.”

Izzy Noticed Thor loitering to the side, politely waiting for their interaction to end.  “You must be the infamous Thor?”

“Infamous?  I don’t know what you’ve heard but I assure you that I am no cad.”

“Illustrious then?”  She gave Thor a winning smile.

“Thor, this is Izzy.”  Bucky stepped to Izzy’s side so she could greet Thor properly.  “Izzy has been mine and Steve’s best friend since we were eight years old.”

“I’ve heard much about you, Isabella.  All good of course.”

“I’ve heard only good things about you too.”

Thor practically eye-fucked her at that point and Bucky bristled.  There was no way in hell he was going to watch Thor try to take Izzy home with him.  Steve wouldn’t appreciate it either; Thor was bunking with Steve for the duration of his stay.

“Excuse my manners, can I buy you a drink?”

“Thank you, Thor, but-“

“She’ll have a sidecar, thanks Thor.”  Bucky interrupted.  “And just a beer for me please.”

Thor Bowed slightly and took himself off to the bar.  Izzy shot Bucky a pointed look.

“Sorry.”  Bucky cringed.  “Can we talk somewhere private?”

“Sure.”  Izzy nodded, somewhat relieved.

In Bucky’s office, he pulled off his scissor gauntlets and closed the door after Izzy.  He felt at home here, comfortable.  This place had never been somewhere that held any memories of Izzy, she’s only been in here once when Tony first told him he could have his own office.

“I was hoping to talk to you but I didn’t want to ruin your birthday.”  Izzy spoke before Bucky could get a few deep breaths into himself.  “I’m really sorry, Bucky.  Truly sorry.”

Bucky laughed involuntarily.  Just one short sound before he got himself under control.  “You’re sorry?  What on earth for?  I was an asshole, it’s me who’s sorry.”

“You were.  I agree.”  She said.  “But I ignored you for weeks and weeks.  I saw you trying to talk to me, to make amends, but I blocked you out anyway.  I shouldn’t have done that.  We made a pact that we would put our friendship first and I totally pissed all over that, not once but twice.”

“You were justified though, especially the second time.  I can’t apologise enough for that, it’ll never happen again, I swear.”  Bucky let out a big sigh.  “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to mend what we have.  Anything.”

Izzy looked thoughtful.  The music outside in the bar had changed from casual mainstream to the thumping bass of a nightclub.  It was almost loud enough to camouflage the pounding of Bucky’s heartbeat.

“I don’t want you to do anything, I just want everything to be cool again.  I missed you.  I missed The Marvellous Three.”

Tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to ruin her make-up.  Bucky snatched a tissue from the box on his desk and stepped forward with it clasped between his fingers like a white flag of surrender.  Izzy threw herself into his arms and held on tight.  Bucky’s heart was flipping and flopping, and he felt suck relief.

“I missed you too, Izzy.  Let’s never do that again.”

She laughed.  “Fall out, or have sex?”

“Both.”  Bucky said.  “If it means we can’t protect our friendship, what good is the sex?”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to give up on that yet,” she said, dabbing her eyes.  “I’ll leave the ball in your court with that one.”

“Umm, okay.”  Bucky was reeling.  Izzy was back in his life and seemingly nothing would change.

“Oh, Happy Birthday by the way.”

Izzy pulled a box not much larger than a cigarette packet out of her purse and handed it to him with an endearing smile.  Wrapped in matte black paper with a silver ribbon, the gift was light, not unlike a pack of cigarettes.  Bucky knew better than to think Izzy would gift him a pack of smokes; she hated that he smoked.

You didn’t have to get me anything, Iz.”  Bucky hadn’t even expected to see her let alone receive a gift from her.  “Especially not after what I did.”

“Well,” she said with a quirk of her head, “I bought it before all that happened and it would be rude not to give my best friend a birthday gift.”

Bucky pulled the edges of the paper away carefully.  The box inside was clear and made of thick plastic.  As he revealed more of his gift, tears filled his eyes and his heart ached.  Encased in an hermetically sealed cartridge was a mint condition 1941 “play ball” Joe Di Maggio baseball card.

“Oh Izzy,” he sighed, “grandpa Joe would be so happy if he could see this.”  He dragged her into the tightest hug he could safely muster without cracking ribs.  “I can’t believe you found one of these!  Thank you!  Wowsers!  I’m in shock.”

Since he was a kid, he and his grandpa Joe collected baseball cards from all generations. Bucky’s collection was modern, a lot of the more recent players, but grandpa Joe’s collection started back when he was a kid in the 20’s.  He had all the greats, including this very card.  Joe sold it one winter when they were hard-up and couldn’t afford to put the heat on.  Joe never told Dolores but Bucky knew, he’d seen the empty space in the album and knew.

“I actually tried hunting down the guy who bought your grandpa Joe’s to see if I could get the same one back but I couldn’t find him.  Even my intern-“

“I wish I could kiss you right now, I’m so fucking happy!”  Bucky blurted.  Scarcely able to contain his excitement he took hold of Izzy’s hands, but before he realised what he’d said Izzy’s eyes went wide and Bucky panicked.

Then she smiled and nodded, and then she said two words that would rock his world.

“You can.”

Chapter Text

Izzy’s heart was pounding hard and fast, she could hear the woosh of it in her ears despite the music from the bar.  She’d said the words and regretted them the second Bucky’s face began to look like a wounded puppy.  She didn’t know what she hoped would happen but when he said he wished he could kiss her, her instinct was that she wanted that too.  They’d both just waxed lyrical about their friendship being the most important thing and then moments later she’d just encouraged him to break the rules of their agreement. But they weren’t fucking right then, ugh, it was all so messy again already.

Bucky’s face changed in an instant.  He stepped closer, dropping one of her hands as he reached to brush some of her curls aside.  Leaning in painfully slowly he allowed her time to retreat but she stayed.  He gently laid his lips on her forehead in a tender kiss.

Izzy’s eyes fluttered shut and she tilted her head up as he began to pull away.  They were so close now, merely inches apart.  It would only take the slightest movement and she could capture his lips like she’d dreamed of doing for years.

Bucky stared, rapt by her beauty and by her proximity.  Yes, they’d been closer than this when they were fucking, but not like this.  He was painfully torn.  He longed to kiss her but after only just getting her back he didn’t want to risk losing her again.  He wondered briefly if this could even be a test.

Bucky decided to back away the moment Izzy made a decision of her own; she hooked her fingers into one of the straps across his chest and leaned up to press her lips to his.  In that moment, Bucky froze.  A split second where he was only aware of one thing; Izzy was kissing him, finally after years and years of wanting her, and wanting to be with her, with all of the rules they had, she was breaking this one by her own choice.  What did it mean?

That seconds worth of hesitation made Izzy panic but then Bucky was kissing her back, his hand cupped her jaw, angling them both to deepen the kiss.  His lips moved against hers, parting to let the tip of his tongue seek entrance.  And she let him in, moaning softly when their tongues met and played between their joined lips.  Why had they not been doing this before?  Oh yeah… Rules.

Bucky was a wonderful kisser.  Far better than anyone she’d kissed in the past.  He was soft and gentle, methodical where he should be and passionate too, pouring himself into the play of lips and tongue that joined them together.  Izzy could feel herself burning and it only made it worse that she knew it was wrong.  She’d lectured him about breaking rules but this one was on her.  She prayed he wouldn’t throw it back in her face.  Prayed it wouldn’t end in heartache.

A buzzing against her thigh drew her attention.  Bucky’s phone was ringing and somewhere in all that leather was a pocket.  Izzy broke the kiss softly, gazing up through ridiculously thick lashes to meet Bucky’s eyes.  He was breathing hard and looking a little crazed.

“I don’t know if that was a good idea or not but-“

“I don’t regret it if you don’t.”  Bucky was searching her face for any indication she was upset.

“I don’t.”  She said, brushing her fingertips across her lips where they were plump from kissing.  “But I think we’ve been missed at the party.”

“Oh?”

“Your phone was vibrating against my leg.  Now mine is going off.”  She chuckled, opening her clutch to find her phone displaying a call from Nat.  “Hello?”

“Girl where you at?”

Bucky could hear Nat’s voice clearly; she was somewhere the music wasn’t so loud.  He braced himself to be busted with Izzy like this.

“I’m with Bucky.”  Izzy said.

“You minx!”  Nat laughed lewdly.

“Not like that, we’re talking stuff over about our falling out.”  Izzy met Bucky’s gaze for a second.  “Can you give us a few minutes and we’ll be back.”

“Few minutes, sure.”  Nat said suggestively.

“This is what you wanted, Nat.”  Izzy shuffled from one foot to the other and back.  “You all wanted us to sort our shit out, so we are.  I’ll come find you.”

“Ok hot mama, Thor is waiting with a warm sidecar for you.”  Nat laughed and ended the call.

“Ooof,” Bucky ran his hand through his hair, “you played that well.”

“Yeah, it’s not often anyone gets one over on Natasha Romanov.”  Izzy dropped her phone into her bag and fixed Bucky with a wanton gaze.  “I’m not going to lie and say I’m not horny as hell right now, but since we’re both pretty much sober, can we agree that fucking tonight is a good idea?  Maybe exorcise some of those inner demons?”

“Yeah, sure, ok.”  Bucky swallowed hard.  “If you’re sure.  I’ll take your lead.”

“I’m sure.  I can’t think of a better way to get our mutual frustrations out.”

“Your place or mine?”

“Mine.”  Izzy smirked as she walked to the door.  “You live too close to Steve and at least my shower is decent.”

Bucky chuckled.  “Let me put Joe in my safe so he doesn’t get lost.”

Chapter Text

Izzy excused herself to the bathroom leaving bucky alone in his office.  As soon as she’d closed the door behind her he had fallen back against his desk unable to catch his breath.  The taste of her still on his lips and the straining of his cock against the tight patent leather of his costume was almost torture; he regretted tucking down and not up, that’s for sure.

Bucky thought he had the measure of her but she’d surprised him with that kiss.  So sure it was a test, he’d kissed her forehead expecting to pull back to see her smile and be told he passed with flying colours.  He hadn’t expected the haunting look of sheer need in her eyes or the swiftness of her act.

The tingling in his gut was just starting to subside when he remembered he had a gift to keep safe and a party to get back to.  Satisfied that his arousal was now under control he steeled himself for a night of anticipation of what was to come later and maybe, just maybe, the Marvellous three would be just like they had been before any of this stuff began.

The party had scarcely missed him.  Music played, drinks flowed, guests danced and enjoyed each other’s company.  Bucky found Izzy helping Nat pass around disposable cameras for guests to take pictures of the night – Nat would have them developed later for Bucky to keep; memories of a great night with all of his friends.

Bucky was hugged over and over, with birthday wishes spoken against his ear and drinks pressed into his hand.  He didn’t think this night could get any better, his friends were here, the Marvellous Three were back together, Izzy was back in his life, she’d kissed him and it had been everything he’d ever hoped for save for a future with her.  But when Izzy met his eyes across the room, his heart almost stopped, her smile sultry and knowing.  She made her way to him through the throngs of people.

“I think that’s long enough apart to keep Nat satisfied that nothing happened in your office.”  Her lips brushed his ear as she spoke, sending a shiver down his spine.

Her deep red lipstick was still a little blurry around the edges of her lips from their kiss.  Natasha would have noticed that, Bucky thought.

“She didn’t suspect?”  Bucky laid his hands on her hips, pulling her closer as if they were dancing while they talked and she draped her arms over his shoulders, settling in.  “Maybe we should just admit it.”

Maybe it was the alcohol talking but he instantly regretted the suggestion when Izzy gasped and pulled away slightly.

“And tell them what?  That we’ve been fuck buddies all this time?”  Izzy scoffed.  “I don’t think I can handle that amount of judgement from her or Steve”

“Then we tell them this was the first time.”  Bucky couldn’t help feeling hurt.  Even after she kissed him, she wasn’t willing to publicly accept him or the things they’d done together.  Friendship comes first.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”  She said pulling him closer again to continue the strange shuffle they were doing that wasn’t in time to the music at all.  “In the meantime, you’re going to enjoy your party and I’m going to take photos.”

Izzy grinned, twisting in Bucky’s arms, pulling up the yellow card box of the disposable camera she snapped a picture of them together.  Bucky was sure he looked dazed and confused but it didn’t matter, Izzy was there with him and everything was going to be alright.  Even if he couldn’t have everything he wanted at least he got to have some of it; he got to have her back, to have his friends close, and he got to enjoy his night in the best possible way, with her in his arms.

Bucky and Izzy danced and flirted, they laughed and messed about.  Izzy would take pictures of them both in fun and compromising poses.  Izzy feeding him drinks and feeding him party snacks where he would chase and lick at her fingers.  Bucky looking happier than a pig in shit when Izzy laid her deep red lips on his cheek, snapping a picture as if to capture something shocking (he hoped it didn’t show the look of profound love in his eyes).  Izzy looking sultry with her hair framing her face as Bucky leaned in to nuzzle her ear.  Izzy looking sexy as sin as she suggestively licked the length of a blade on his scissor-hands glove.  Outside, Izzy stealing Bucky’s cigarette and blowing the smoke suggestively in his face.  A whole film roll of the two of them together, and when the camera was spent, bucky was just sober enough to squirrel it away in his office so that Nat wouldn’t get her hands on it – he wanted to keep those pictures private.

During the course of the night, Thor had been scarce enough that Bucky hadn’t seen much of him, but he saw him now talking to Izzy at the bar.  The way the big blonde leaned into her as he smiled and practically eye-fucked her made Bucky antsy.  She’s not yours to get jealous over, his rational mind told him but it didn’t change the feeling inside.  Izzy seemed to be enjoying Thor’s company and didn’t shift away from the not-too-subtle touches Thor was persistently giving, but when her drinks came she excused herself and made a beeline for Bucky.

“Was Thor getting handsy?”  Bucky drained the dregs of his beer and accepted a new one.  “Do I need to lay down the law?”

She laughed as if it was a joke, like Bucky being jealous was somehow a joke.  “Easy tiger, he’s harmless.”  She sipped her sidecar, eyes twinkling with mischief as she leaned closer.  “He’s not stealing me away for the night.  I’m definitely going home with you.”

“Foregone conclusion, am I?”  Bucky relished the flirt and tease.  James and Bella did this all the time, but they weren’t James and Bella right then, they were Bucky and Izzy.

“You know you can’t say no to this.”  She turned slowly, looking over her shoulder as she maintained eye-contact.  “Plus, someone is probably going to have to cut you out of that pleather.”

“Pretty sure my cock will bust a hole in the front any second.”  Bucky muttered cheekily.

A laugh mixed with a snort made Izzy spurt her drink up her own nose right at the moment Natasha joined them.

“Your cock what?”  Nat swiped Bucky’s bottle and replaced it with scotch on the rocks.  “Hi guys, I see you’re all made up.”  She swigged the beer.

“Cock’s bustin’.  I need a piss.”  Bucky hoped that was good enough and he really did need to take a leak.  “Be right back.”

“You two are cosy?”

“We worked everything out.”

“I see that,” Nat eyed her suspiciously, “spill.”

“Spill what?  I did what you wanted and let him explain.  I accepted his apology, and he accepted mine.  Now we’re good.”

Nat’s eyes narrowed again.  For a long moment she considered the words, then her expression shifted and she smiled.  “Finally.  Though you two really need to fuck out your frustrations.”

“Ah there you are Isabella.  You’re as elusive as you are beautiful.  Natasha, equally beautiful but more scary.”  Thor side-stepped Nat as she glowered at him, coming to stand in front of Izzy, too close for comfort.  “I’ve come to claim my dance.”

“I’d love to but my feet are tired,” Izzy started to make a move to sit down but Thro was in the way, “maybe later?”

“You said later, earlier.”

Thor’s hands were heavy on her hips, roughly pulling her closer and making her spill her drink over her arm.  Distracted by the dowsing, she didn’t notice Thor moving in for a kiss.  His hand snaking into the hair at the back of her head made her look up fast.  Thor’s lips were on her in seconds, his tongue plundering her mouth as she gasped it open.  When she pushed against him he stumbled back but still had a firm hold on her so pulled her with him.  When he thumped down on the sofa seat behind him, Izzy went with him, her legs instinctively straddling his legs so she wouldn’t be bent in half backwards.  She tried to push herself off him but she didn’t have the strength.  She tried pushing his face away, turning it away, turning her own away too but he had a firm hold on her by her head and waist.  He took what he wanted from her despite her pulling her tongue all the way back and down, until she was able to close her mouth so he was just smearing his lips over hers.  Finally he released her, and eyes watering she got up and away, staggering back into Nat who was laughing, thinking this was the most amusing thing.

“Asshole!”  Izzy growled.

“Don’t be like that, beautiful…”

Thor reached for her but she backed away leaving him and Nat together.  Izzy made it to the bathrooms without seeing Bucky so she poked her head into the gents and called his name but he wasn’t there.  She wanted to leave but she couldn’t leave him behind so she went to clean her face up before she went to find him. 

It took her a while to find him.  He was at the bar talking to a woman with shocking pink hair and huge breasts, seemingly enjoying her conversation.  Izzy started towards him and he met her gaze, a smirk on his face.

Bucky quickly leaned in and kissed the pink-haired woman who responded immediately, wrapping her arms around his neck and practically devouring him.  Bucky held Izzy’s gaze for a moment longer before his eyes rolled closed and he slid his hands to the woman’s ass, pulling her hips flush with his.

Izzy sobbed and she fled.  They’d made up, her and Bucky.  They’d kissed.  They agreed to spend the night together; he was supposed to come back to her apartment that night.  Izzy had gotten up the courage to tell him she loved him.  She was going to put it all on the line in the hopes that what she’d felt when they kissed wasn’t just in her head.

Seeing him with another woman like that broke her heart.  Ms pink hair and big tits was Bucky’s type to a tee.  All the women she’d ever seen him with had been similar, not in the looks department but frivolous, bar-fly types, one-night-stand types who were more than a little crazy.  She didn’t want to use the term floosy because she didn’t want to belittle their choices but that would be what others called them.

Bucky had chosen someone else over spending the night with her and she knew she’d put too much hope in it because Bucky had never settled with anyone for more than a couple of months.  Why was Izzy any different?  Bucky obviously didn’t want to be in a relationship and no matter how much she hoped that the sex they had would make him realise some kind of romantic feelings, he was true to rule number three and always had been.

Izzy knew she couldn’t take any more.  She couldn’t keep doing this dance with him, and she couldn’t watch him be with woman after woman while she waited for him, hoping that one day he’d see her – really see her – for what she was; a woman who had been so deeply in love with him for her entire teen and adult life, someone with whom he fit perfectly, someone who was still in love with him, his best friend and best girl.

In the taxi home, Izzy’s vision blurred behind tears and inebriation as she opened the drafts box in her email.  Two drafts glared at her, pre-written ready for her decision.  The shortest of the two she opened, checking to make sure it was the right one.  The attachment of signed paperwork was all in order, she’d made sure of that, but she hadn’t expected to be making this decision so soon or under these circumstances.  She read through it one last time.

To:  [email protected]

From: [email protected]

CC:  [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected];

Subject:  RE:  Client Request for Personal Placement of Legal Counsel

Jasper,

                Thank you for the opportunity, I am pleased to accept the role offered and am willing to begin as soon as possible.

Feel free to call me at the office, whenever it is convenient, to iron out the relocation arrangements and other details.

If there is anything I can do to assist, please don’t hesitate to let me know.

Kind regards,

Isabella Freeman.

Izzy pressed send and let her head fall back against the headrest as her cab took her home.  Soon it wouldn’t be her home, somewhere in London would be her new home.  For how long, she didn’t know.  She didn’t even know what to do with her apartment or what to tell her friends.  Bucky could find out second-hand because Izzy was damn sure she couldn’t look him in the eye without crying, and he didn’t deserve to have any kind of explanation for her upheaval.  She needed this.  She needed to get away, to distance herself from him, and to try to move on and put Bucky in her rear-view mirror.

The lights of Brooklyn slid past in the blur of her tears.  Tomorrow would start the next phase of her life.  A life without him.

Chapter Text

Bucky was pretty chipper when he practically trotted to the bathroom.  Izzy made him feel like he was on cloud nine, flirting and teasing; he loved every second.  Even when Nat interrupted them, he couldn’t be brought down to earth.

He had a definite drunken swagger about him, swaying as he walked but not enough to stumble; he needed to be sober enough to enjoy his time with Izzy later – the promise of sex with her was practically leading him through the rest of his night by his cock.

The plan to nurse that glass of scotch for the rest of the night went out the window when he saw Thor and Izzy kissing.  A cold crawling sensation spread over his scalp and into his gut, churning it up into nausea.  Izzy shoved Thor back onto the seat, straddling him as her hands gripped and stroked his face with what Bucky could only describe as passion.  What the hell was she doing with that guy?  Bucky thought she was going to take him home to bed.  There was a chance that Bucky might even have spilled his feelings for her later too, it was about time she knew how he felt about her, how he’d always felt.  Not now though.  She’d made her choice and Bucky wasn’t it.

He necked his scotch and pushed past people to get to the bar for another drink.  Tequila shots ought to drown out the clamouring agony in his heart.  They didn’t, not really, and they didn’t take the stinging tears from his eyes either.

“Next round is on me,” a woman with shocking pink hair and huge breasts slid up to him with a knowing smile, “for the birthday boy.”  Her leopard-print dress was so tight it looked painted on.

Bucky thanked her and struck up a short conversation.  She told him her name but he didn’t care about that.  She told him what she did for a living but he didn’t care about that either.  All Bucky cared about in that instant was that this woman looked like a whole lot of fun to be had for the rest of the night.  She wasn’t Izzy but she’d certainly take his mind off her.  Tequila Princess was what he called her internally.

Tequila Princess looked like the right amount of crazy mixed up with the right amount of horny and Bucky was fully invested in taking her back to his place for the night.  If Izzy could play with his heart like that, kiss him and make him think that they would be together that night, get his hopes up and then dash them on the rocks by getting with someone else, then he could damn well take someone else home with him and have his own fun.  He was about done with the back and forth, he couldn’t take much more of this and he wanted to think about anyone other than her and the pain in his chest.

Tequila Princess was all over him, and he let her – touching, teasing, kissing his cheek – he accepted all of it.  Finally he’d had enough of the little getting to know you thing they were doing together and he leaned in for the kiss, briefly registering someone watching them.  She was responsive but it was awkward with both of them struggling for dominance.  Her tongue fought with his instead of tangling, even when he let her take control it was awkward.  Bucky instantly compared it to his kiss with Izzy, which had felt natural and smooth, like there was a kind of kismet there – it had been perfect.

It was in that moment that he looked up over Tequila Princess’s shoulder and locked eyes with Izzy – she looked hurt.  Bucky felt a kick of satisfaction; Izzy obviously didn’t know he’d seen her with Thor.  She’d been caught out.

Bucky decided to make a show of enjoying himself, so he let his eyes roll back as he gripped the back of Tequila Princess’s head, and delved in for a deeper kiss, taking full control and pulling her body flush with his.  He even ground his groin against her but when he looked again Izzy had gone.

It was with bitter vindictiveness how quickly he left with Tequila Princess, not that she took much persuading.  He vaguely said good night to Tony as he swept out of the bar before his party had even started winding down.  No one else saw him leave but he was sure they wouldn’t mind him enjoying his night however he saw fit, with whomever he saw fit.

Bucky’s apartment was a mess from the pre drinks earlier but he didn’t care, he wasn’t out to impress anyone, least of all a one-night-stand.  They kissed and groped each other all the way up in the elevator and through the front door.  Tequila Princess’s dress was the easiest to remove and came off first, thrown somewhere on the floor of his bedroom.  His costume was more awkward with the zipper being the full length of his back.

Once he was out of it, Tequila Princess eye-fucked him good and proper, sliding her hands over his chest in appreciation of his physique.

“Well, birthday boy,” she scraped her nails down his chest, catching his nipple painfully, “you’re a gift unto yourself, aren’t you?”

The question was rhetorical, and Bucky didn’t have the will for any more small-talk.  He shoved her back onto his bed, watching her eyes flash with excitement as she bounced, tits almost popping out of her ill-fitting bra.  She was exactly what he needed, the polar opposite of Izzy in every way that mattered.  Don’t get him wrong, Tequila Princess was very attractive, beautiful even in her own way, but she lacked Izzy’s soul and her class.  Tequila Princess was a one-night-stand veteran – just like him – and that was what he needed; someone to get off with and not care about in the morning.

The foreplay was virtually non-existent.  Bucky wanted to warm them both up, savour at least some of it to purge Izzy from his brain.  But Tequila Princess was solely focused on getting him inside her as quickly as possible.  It took Bucky longer than normal to rise to the occasion and soon Tequila Princess’s mouth was full of him, sucking and jerking her hand over his shaft.

She grinned with devilish intent when he was hard enough and flopped back on the bed, spreading her legs.

Bucky went for the condoms and Tequila Princess frowned.

“I’m on the pill.”  She said, pulling on him to come back to her.

“No rubber, no sex.”  He slurred giving her a chastising look as he pulled his bedside drawer open.

“Let me, then.”  She reached into the drawer and pulled out a handful of things; condoms, lube, and a roll of red tape.  “Oh you naughty boy!”  She practically exploded with excitement.  “Do you want to tie me up and have your wicked way with me?”

“No, leave it.”  Bucky grumbled, making a grab for the tape.  That red roll held so many memories for him and all of them were of Izzy.

Tequila Princess hid the tape on the bed behind her as she tore open the condom and made quick work of stretching it over his cock, tugging the rubber down instead of rolling it.  Bucky struggled to reach behind her but he was too drunk to be coordinated and she soon had the tape in hand, wrapping some around her wrist and then around one of his bed posts.  She offered the roll to him and reached for his cock to give him a few more strokes expecting him to bind her other arm up, but instead of using the roll, he tossed it across the room.

“I said, no.”  Bucky snarled, breathing hard.  The memories that flooded him just kept on coming and now this attempt to forget Izzy was tainted with memories he still cherished to much to tarnish.  He couldn’t even forget her the right way.

Tequila Princess’s look faltered then, fading from impish excitement to disappointment, then to mild fear.  Bucky lunged to tear away the red tape, his strength plenty to free her, then he was pulling her off the bed by her wrist.

“You should go.”

“But-”

“Go.”

“-I thought we were-”

“I said go!”

“-fucking-”

“GET OUT!”  He bellowed, scooping up her clothes and tossing them at her as she backed out of his bedroom.

Her dress was pulled on hastily without her underwear as Bucky followed her in the direction of the door.  He was sure he looked crazy, and he felt exactly that with tears running down his face, naked with a condom hanging off his now flaccid cock.

“You’re an asshole!”  She screeched, knocking over his TV purposefully before she was out the door and he was slamming it shut behind her.

“Yeah,” he sighed, leaning his head against the door as he caught his breath, “yeah I am.”

In his room, the roll of red tape glared at him accusingly.  All it had taken for him to regress into grief was that one memory trigger.  Seeing Izzy tonight, wearing the roll he’d left at her house as a dress, no less, had been a massive turn-on.  Seeing around the wrists of someone else had made him feel dirty and embarrassed.  It diminished the memories he had, and he couldn’t handle that, not right then.  Maybe in time he’d look back on them and feel nothing but right now, with the hurt so fresh, they were both enjoyable and agonising.  Bucky wanted to remember but he needed to forget.

++Flashback++

Izzy crouched between his spread legs, looking up at him with large, surprised eyes.  Bucky had drawn her away when she’d tried to pleasure him with her mouth.  He’d asked her to take control but he wanted something specific from her.  He enjoyed it when she enjoyed him; used his body for her own pleasure.  Bucky was always so giving, always making sure she came first, always making sure she was satisfied; in this, his request was no different other than instead of him giving, she would take.

She’d tied him up on other occasions, hands bound to her bed, as she’d rode his face until she came so hard she saw stars.  He liked that, looking up at her from between her legs, and she felt powerful, sexy.  Bucky wanted to make her feel like the goddess she was.

This time she taped his hands and feet to the bedframe, stretched out nicely.  He was at her mercy and she teased him ruthlessly.  Straddling his chest, still in her panties tantalisingly close to his face, she dipped her fingers into her wet heat and brought them to her own lips.  Leaning forward she licked at his mouth, tempting him with her taste.  It wasn’t breaking the rules, there was no kissing, just the torturously alluring feel of her tongue swiping across his lips.  Bucky licked his lips right after, groaning with pleasure but didn’t chastise her for pushing the rules.

The next pass of her fingers through her own wetness was less of a tease and more of a ‘fuck you’.  Izzy fucked herself on her own hand, doing to herself what Bucky would do, curling her fingers inside her, rubbing against that gloriously pleasurable spot.  Bucky could do this with one hand, but she used two, bringing herself to orgasm inches from his face.  The squelch of her fingers was vulgar and she felt a little embarrassed but she was supposed to be this all confident goddess for him, so she tramped the shame down and grasped that power.  She pushed her wet fingers into Bucky’s mouth, feeling him yield to her, his deep sultry moan muffled against her hand.

His eyes rolled shut and his hips bucked just behind where she straddled him, seeking friction that was non-existent, and Izzy had an idea.  She tugged her panties aside and scooted back, using her ass to push his erection into a more vertical position where she allowed it to brush her wet labia as she passed over him.  She paused, using her hand to stroke him slowly, drawing the tip of his cock through her lips and smearing her juices all over the head.  When she positioned his unsheathed cock at her entrance his muscles clenched up and his eyes flew open.  There was fear there in his wild eyes which only got more pronounced when she applied more pressure with her hips.

They’d always practiced safe sex.  It was one of his rules.  One of the very first rules.  Izzy couldn’t deny she longed to know what he felt like, buried inside her without the rubber between them.  Would the veins and ridges of his gorgeous cock feel more intense without the smoothing effect of the condom?  Or did the extra drag of the rubber against her flesh somehow make it better for her?

The look of terror on his face told her he didn’t want this.  The rapid shake of his head when he couldn’t find the words to say no, was enough.  Of course, she would never betray his trust like that.  Never.  Not even because she was on the contraceptive shot and she couldn’t get pregnant any way.  He needed this rule.  It was one of three things he’d asked of her; safe sex, mutual respect, and their eternal friendship.

Izzy squirmed once more against him before continuing to move down his body, trailing her fingers and then her lips on her way to his cock.  Her mouth on him was teasing but not brutally so.  He’d already said he hadn’t wanted her to bring him off with her mouth but that didn’t mean she couldn’t taste him.

Her lips and tongue cleaned him of her juices and she made a show of lapping at him with her tongue, flattened and wide.  The furthest she took him into her mouth was an inch below the tip where she only sucked lightly but dipped the tip of her tongue into his opening so she could taste the salty droplet that beaded there.

Bucky was quiet, holding the words inside.  He needed her to play his body like an instrument, only sighs and moans would he let out until it all became too much for him.  She would push him that far, she always did.

Izzy’s eyes sparkled as she tore two condoms from the strip of his preferred type that lived in the top drawer of her bedside table.  Using the sharp corner of the packet, she scratched a line up the inside of his thigh until, so close to the tightened skin of his sack, he’s jerked his hips away with a gasp.

Her grin was impish as she did it again, getting closer still to the delicate skin of his scrotum, scratching more firmly until his breath hitched in his throat.  Then, and only then did she kiss it better.  Trailing her warm, wet mouth up the path of the discomfort she had caused, smoothing her tongue across his skin until he sighed and his hips relaxed.

“Are you going to be good today, James?”  Izzy ghosted feather-light kisses up his straining shaft, avoiding the areas that would bring him any real pleasure.

Her eyes met his as he nodded silently, swallowing hard.  He always looked so vulnerable succumbing to her like this.  It was rare enough that it felt special.  She felt special, to be trusted to do this for him.  Bitterly she wondered if she was just one of many to whom he bared himself like this.

“No coming until I say you can.”  She could tell his attention was caught on her hand firmly stoking him, so she reached up to tap his nose, punctuating her final words firmly.  “No. Coming. Until. I. Tell. You.  Got it?”

Bucky groaned and his eyes rolled back as she squeezed him hard.

“Use your words.”

“Hmmm mmmm.”

Not satisfied, she pumped his cock viciously.  The resulting gasp and cry made her smirk.

“Tell me you understand or I won’t let you come at all.”

He ground his hips when her hand stopped dead, trying to continue the pleasure she’d given.

“Ahhh.”  He groaned, lamenting the loss of contact.  “I understand.”  It was a half-whisper that told her he was already closer than normal.

What had changed this time?  She wondered.  Normally she would just tease him some and use him but today she’d embraced the more dominant role, vocalised her intentions more.  Did he need this?  To be totally at her mercy and have her realise the power she held?

“Good.” 

Izzy teased Bucky’s cock as she slid the condom down, paying extra attention to the tip and well-defined ridge underneath.  Bucky held his hips still like a champ, breathing through it calmly.  When she straddled him he watched intently as he disappeared inside her, the feeling of warmth and pressure filling body with diffuse pleasure.  She held him there for a moment, allowing them both to become accustomed to the sensation, though she did clench occasionally to remind him what he was there for.

Her movements started out slow as she rolled her hips to ride him, smoothly pushing him in and out to hit just the places she needed.  But once her pleasure began to grow she became more forceful, drawing her hips back and thrusting forward hard as she gasped and sighed above him.

He could feel the build-up of heat in his gut, that tingling glow that preceded a climax.  He focused on her, trying to keep the intensity of his pleasure down, but watching her wasn’t much easier; every moan and sigh, every roll of her hips and the sway of her breasts sent him under.

When she came it was a boon, and she slowed, giving him a reprieve.  Sweat beaded on both of their skin and she looked down at him, satisfied with what she saw.  Bucky felt like the stars shone in her eyes, the glistening brightness was a galaxy.

“I’m going to ride your face now.”  She said, but it was still a question.  If he had any objections he could state them.

He didn’t so he nodded, not trusting his throat to work right then.

Looking up at her from between her thighs was something that Bucky would never get enough of.  The thrill of seeing her get herself off was phenomenal, more so because it was Izzy.  The other women he’d shared this side of himself with hadn’t turned him on nearly as much as she did.  The connection they shared made all the difference, and as Izzy rode his mouth, Bucky’s eyes glistened with the same stars that were in hers.

His face was soaked when she came down from her high.  Dismounting with shaky legs she dried his face clean with a tissue.  She had offered wet wipes in the past but he had said that he preferred to keep the smell of her on his skin and she graciously accepted that without the expected embarrassment.

“Do you want some water?”  She offered, uncapping the bottle for herself.

“Please.”  He smiled, lifting his head further off the pillows so she could help him drink.  “Thanks.”  He let his head fall back once he’d had enough and she took her fill from the same bottle.  It was funny how easily James and Bella shared drinks and food, like a relationship in everything except a name.

“We’re going to play a game.”  She said, stepping out of her soaked thong which she’d only pulled aside when she fucked him and rode his face.

Bucky nodded, watching her as Izzy approached with the thong still on her hand.

“I think you’ll like this game,” she stroked her hands over his abs and up his chest, “it’s a test of patience and control.”

Bucky watched her intently.  He liked where this was going, it was exciting to have her using her imagination like this.  It wasn’t all that often that Bucky needed this but when he did he knew Izzy would do her best to fulfil his need just as he fulfils hers.

“I’m going to touch you, and play with you, and you can’t come until I say so.  Can you do that for me, James?”

“Yes.”  He croaked.

“If you want to come, you have to ask permission.  Can you do that for me?

“Yes.”

“If you want to stop, what’s the word?”

“Hotdogs.”  He said with a slight smirk.  He’d found it endlessly amusing that his and Steve’s favourite junk food was his safe word.  Every time he had hotdogs it reminded him of these times with Izzy.

“Very good.”  She smiled, the nervousness she’d displayed earlier had almost evaporated as she embraced the role he had asked her to perform.  “I have one more thing that I want.  I’ll give you a choice, are you listening?”

“Yes.”  He nodded, eyes trained on her, cock still hard and weeping inside the condom.

“While we play this game, I want you to be able to smell or taste what we did before.  Either my thong goes in your mouth or it goes over your face.  Will you do that for me?”

“Jesus, Bella, yes!  Fuck yes!”  His cock throbbed violently and he could tell she was pleased by the response.  He didn’t think he’d ever been this turned on.

“Which one?”

“In my mouth.”  Bucky was breathing heavily as he answered.  He would happily try both.  The smell of her sex was so alluring but the smell of them together was something else, even with the rubbery smell of the condom.

“Good, now open up.”

He did without hesitation and she gently rolled the garment up and pushed it into his waiting mouth.  She made sure the gusset was laid on his tongue and he moaned at the taste of her.

“Can you breathe ok?”  Her concern was endearing.  Bucky knew she was terrified of hurting him, she’d always been so careful when she tied him up in the past, but this time she seemed to fully embrace the role and he trusted her implicitly.

“Mmmm hmmm.”  He nodded, inhaling deeply through his nose and out again to prove to her he was fine.

“Can you still say your word?”

“Hoshlogss.”  He mumbled around the cloth but it was good enough.

“Good,” she smiled, stroking his cheek lightly.  “I’m going to start now, ok?”

Bucky nodded and let his eyes roll closed as he awaited her touch.

Izzy stroked her fingertips lightly lover his chest and abs, slowly working down to where his cock was solid and lay flat against stomach.  She danced around it, perilously close without touching, causing it to twitch and lift as she went.  The clench and play of his muscled fascinated her, especially when she touched his balls, not so much cupping but lightly stroking.  His breathing was harsh but controlled, hissing through his nose as he heaved breaths in and out.  Periodically he would open his mouth and suck at the thong she’d put in there.

Initially she’d thought the idea was terrible, but his reaction had been all the encouragement she needed.  This role he’d asked her to play, to use him and control him, was rare enough that it still felt out of character for her.  He usually directed their interactions, doing to her all of the things he knew would bring her pleasure.  But this, this was giving back to him at the same time as she took for herself.  The empowerment was heady and she liked that they were both flexible like this.

Bucky moaned lightly when her fingers finally found his straining cock.  The bulb of the condom was white with his fallen pearls and she wanted them to fall freely so she pulled the rubber off gently, rolling it up as she went.

Once free to the open air, she blew over him, watching the goosebumps crawl up his arms and over his chest.  His nipples puckered and she licked fingers on both hands, circling and pinching him lightly.  His cock throbbed again, a fresh pearl of precum beaded on his tip and stuck to the hair of his happy trail.  Izzy could see why Bucky enjoyed playing her body like an instrument.  The signs and sights of pleasure he read in her body were rewarding, just as his were to her.  Was this what he wanted her to see?  How he felt when he fucked her and made her come until she was a sobbing mess?

The first full stroke of his cock yielded a hip thrust and she kept going until he was fucking up into her fist feverishly.  Periodically she’d pull her hand away only to return it when he groaned and stilled for a few seconds.  She pumped him hard and fast, ripping her hand away only to watching fuck into thin air.  Sometimes she stroked slowly and firmly until she thought he would beg her to let him come, but he didn’t, she always stopped first.

Bucky was a mess with a sheen of sweat glistening over his whole body, his eyes screwed shut and his jaw clamped down on the soaking fabric in his mouth.  His face, neck and chest had a gloriously angry blush and his feet were arched towards the door, toes flexed back acutely as he struggled to maintain control.

Izzy decided to push him harder.  She wouldn’t be mad if he came, she couldn’t ever be.  Maybe she’d tell him he’d been a bad boy and take another orgasm for herself afterwards while leaving him untouched as punishment.

She made sure he was lubed up nicely, stroking him with purpose, hand twisting over his tip to create extra friction.  At the point where he started fucking into her hand she allowed him to continue until he was gasping through the cloth in his mouth and trying to pull his hips away.  Even then she didn’t stop her torturous tease.

“Hoshlogss  hoshlogss!”  He moaned and she pulled her hand off him instantly, reaching up to remove the thong from his mouth.

Bucky groaned and writhed on the bed, straining against the tape that held his arms and legs taught.

“Do you want to stop?”

“No!”  He gasped as he back arched against the damp sheets.

“Do you want to come or continue?”

“Continue.”  He moaned softly, finally getting control of himself.

“Are you sure?”  Izzy needed to be sure she wasn’t fucking this up or crossing any boundaries.

“Yes, I’m sure,” he half-laughed as he looked at her with the most amazingly flushed look of adoration.

“You want this back?”  She held the soaking thong near his mouth and he opened up for her eagerly.  Izzy couldn’t help but be swept away with his enthusiasm but her laugh was more a relieved chuckle.

His cock had started to soften slightly when he settled fully against the sheets.  Izzy’s mouth took care of that.  She was gently but purposeful with her kisses and licks, sucking him inside carefully so as not to cause pain with her teeth on his oversensitive tip.  She took him to the end quickly and held him there, groaning as she touched and kissed other parts of him; his hip, his inner thigh, his chest, the crook of his elbow.  Each touch on his erogenous zones keeping sensation alive in his body but not being the kind which he needed to climax.

Back to his cock again she licked him and stroked him gently until he was throbbing and twitching angrily.  She stopped dead, watching his face for signs she’d gone too far.  His lip was red between his teeth where he’d clamped it, neck muscled strained tight, his head turned away from her as if to even face her direction was too much.

She chanced more stroking but only got one in before he tried to pull his hips away.  A touch to his stomach, kisses next to where the tip of his cock lay against him, weeping.  Another stroke with barely any pressure.

“Bleese!”

His moan was so close to a cry that Izzy pulled the thong from his mouth, stroking his face until he opened his bleary eyes to look at her.

“Are you ready?”  She asked.

He nodded, lips puffy and skin burning.  “I need to come, can I please?”

The need in him almost broke her heart, she did this to him but he’d asked for it.  He asked for what he wanted and she had the power to give it.

“Yes, James, you can.”

The single suck and pop of her mouth on his cock had him right on the edge again, and a few slow and delicate strokes had him tipping over the edge.  His body taut, every muscle tied up in his climax.  A guttural moan caught in his throat as his balls tightened and he spilled over her hand, his shaft, balls and stomach.  She held him still until he’d stopped coming, watching everything from the play of his muscles, the expression on his face, and the pulsing of his overstimulated cock.  When he was done, he cracked his eyes open to watch her lean down and give him one last lick, tasting him with a satisfied moan.  Bucky pulsed again, another glob jumping up from his hole enthusiastically.

He was too wrecked to care and even as Izzy cut away the bandage tape with his nail scissors and rubbed his wrists and ankles, he didn’t care about the mess he’d made in his bed.  He rolled to his side and curled up, absolutely ruined in the best possible way.  He could hear Izzy moving around, cleaning up in the bathroom and running the faucet.  It was a few minutes before she returned

“Are you ok?”  Izzy came from his bathroom with a warm damp washcloth to take care of some of the mess.  “I was worried I’d gone too far?”

“No, never!”  Bucky sighed, turning onto his back and taking the cloth and using it to clean himself down.  His cock was tender under the roughness of the cloth and he winced slightly.  “It was amazing.  You were amazing.  Thank you.”

“When you used the safe word, I thought…”

“It was just too intense and I wasn’t ready for it to be over yet, that’s all.”  He smiled, feeling like their connection had evolved significantly.  “You did great.  It was perfect.”

Bucky swung his legs over the side of his bed and reached for his smokes.  “After I’ve had this, if you want to come again I’ll happily oblige,” he smirked as he stood and walked over to his window, “I wouldn’t say no to tasting you again.  The thong in the mouth thing was hot as fuck by the way.”  He winked, back to the same old Bucky, cocky, confident and in control.

++Present++

Bucky sat on the edge of his bed with tears streaked down his face.  He reached for his cigarettes and lit one, pulling in a deep warming lung-full of calming smoke as he pondered the absolute emotional carnage that had been his birthday party.

His reaction to Izzy kissing Thor had been totalitarian.  He probably should have just talked to her.  If she’d changed her mind about taking him home she could have explained why.  Maybe she had feelings for Thor, maybe it had been a dare or something – Natasha was quite mischievous like that.  The hurt look on Izzy’s face was confusing given what he saw her doing, practically riding Thor on the leather sofa.  He needed to talk things out with her because if he didn’t it might end up like last time where they didn’t talk for weeks.

In the morning, he told himself, I’ll talk to her in the morning.

Chapter Text

The apartment didn’t feel the same anymore, it felt foreign and empty.  All of the things that made it her home were packed up ready to be put into storage.  Knickknacks and picture frames wrapped in paper and hidden away in brown boxes, ornaments safely stowed for the journey to Nat’s storage unit.  All that was left was the impersonal; furniture, white goods, kitchenware, TV.  Izzy didn’t know how long she would be away or if she would ever come back to this place for anything other than visiting family and friends.  It all felt so final.

Natasha had been a godsend, helping Izzy pack her things ready for the move to London.  She had asked for her help three days after Bucky’s party, explaining that she had been offered a promotion and would have to relocate.  It hadn’t been a lie, per se, but Izzy had not felt up to admitting to the feisty redhead that she was leaving because she and Bucky had “fallen out” yet again, their friendship broken, irrevocably it seemed.

Nat had agreed without hesitation, congratulations spilling from her lips despite her suspiciousness.  The suggestion of renting out the apartment had been Nat’s – a friend of hers was looking for somewhere to stay after a particularly bad break-up and would look after the place with the utmost respect.  Izzy felt a connection there, in the act of helping a fellow broken heart.  Izzy’s need to escape her unrequited feelings for Bucky – a man she had put so much hope, trust and love into – would create a space for someone else to free themselves from their toxic love too.

Bucky had tried to call her, several times the day after his birthday, but she had declined his calls.  His messages were deleted without reading because she had to stay strong.  She needed to get away and rid herself of her feelings for him once and for all.  She was finally done letting him play with her heart.  Though pangs of guilt twisted her gut over the fact that she had been the one to start this whole mess in the first place, she had to be the one to end it.  She tried not to think about it too much, bitterness and anger rising up to protect her poor bruised heart.  Izzy had blocked Bucky’s number, his email, and blocked him on every social media she had.  She needed a clean break.

Over the past week, the two women had worked, packed, cleaned and bonded as they readied Izzy’s apartment for Wanda, the woman who Natasha had recommended to look after the place for a while.  Izzy said she wasn’t interested in taking rent as she owned the apartment outright, but the bills would have to be paid and the building fees too.  She felt good about the gesture.  It was the only thing she felt good about.

Izzy’s parents were both excited for her and sad.  She promised to visit as often as she could and offered to have them over to stay as soon as she was settled in properly.  Her mom had always wanted to go to Buckingham Palace to see the Queen of England, and to visit the Tower of London to see the crown jewels.

It took Izzy a few extra days to pluck up the courage to tell Steve, knowing fine well that he would tell Bucky.  Izzy didn’t tell Steve not to speak to Bucky about it because he would want to know why.  Judging by his face, he already had some idea.

“What did Bucky do this time?”  Steve gritted out after an incredibly annoyed inhale, his fists clenched and resting on his breakfast bar.

“I got a promotion, Stevie!”  Izzy tried to grin but it didn’t fully settle around her eyes.  He noticed.  He always noticed.  “Aren’t you happy for me?”

“Of course I am, Iz, of course I am,” he relented, softening as he took her upper arms in his hands giving them a gentle squeeze.  “This just doesn’t feel right, and the fact that you’re just telling me this now when you leave in the morning....”

“I don’t know wh-”

“And before you tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about,” he interrupted, “I know something happened with you and Bucky.”

Izzy’s face turned beet red and her throat dried up, scorched like the Sahara.  “Steve…”

“He told me.”

“He what?”  Izzy’s eyes widened with shock.  “What did he say?”  Panicked, urgent.

“Obviously I was upset with him too.”

Izzy was confused.  Steve was upset that she and Bucky had been friends with benefits for years?  Her frown made him shift, a new realisation burning on his tongue.

“You didn’t know he told me about the night of my party?”

Steve’s party?  That was so far under the hurt she felt now that she had almost forgotten it had happened.  She’d forgiven Bucky for that, they had fixed everything, if only for a few hours before it all fell to shit again.  She remembered Bucky kissing that woman at the party, how he rutted his hips against her whilst staring straight into Izzy’s eyes.  Bucky had so thoroughly discarded her she knew she would never be able to be near him without reliving it, she would never be happy again.  Tears formed in her eyes and her chest tightened.

“Don’t…”  Steve pulled her in for a hug.  “Don’t cry,” he cooed as he stroked her hair.

Izzy broke.  The night of Bucky’s party had been pure heartbreak for her, but this felt so much worse.  It felt like grieving.  Something inside her was dying and she felt like she was dying too.  She clung to her friend, crying wet patches into his shirt, sniffling and choking as the crushing wave of anguish struck her.  It took her breath away, stilling her lungs, winding her.  She sagged in Steve’s arms but he held her firm, just like Bucky had in the past.  It wasn’t the same.  The loss was debilitating, and she still couldn’t breathe, a silent wail constricting her throat stopping all oxygen to her lungs.  She sunk to the floor and Steve went with her, cradling her on the cool tiles of his kitchenette.

“Breathe, love, breathe.”  Steve rubbed her back firmly trying to soothe her and stimulate a breath.

She couldn’t, she just couldn’t.  Her whole body was locked up and she started to panic.  The tightness in her chest got worse and suddenly she felt so helpless and so dizzy.  The overwhelming despair of it all tinged her vision with black spots; she was going to pass out. 

“Izzy, breathe, please, just, Jesus, just take one breath.  Come on.”  Steve started to panic, there was nothing he could do.  “Look at me, Izzy.  I’m here.  I’m here.  Focus on me.  Focus on my voice.”

Steve kept talking, the panicked edge to his voice falling away as she finally stared up at him.  Her wide fearful eyes, swam with tears, redness consuming the whites and making her irises glow like emeralds.

Izzy’s first breath was an exhale.  A harrowing sob that had been stuck in her throat, unable to move on – just like her.  Then she gasped.  A rattling breath like she had been drowning and had just broken the surface.  The crushing hurt began to fade as her chest heaved and her sobs subsided.  Steve held her and didn’t say a word until she relaxed in his arms, exhausted.

He scooped her up and laid her on his sofa.  A glass of water held against her lips.  A kiss pressed into her crown.

“I’m going to kill him.”

She shook her head.  As much as Bucky had hurt her, she didn’t think it was right that their drama should ruin his friendship with Steve too.  She wasn’t that kind of person.

“I guess he lied to me when he said that he groped you.  It’s obviously much worse than that.”

“He didn’t lie.”  She rasped, glancing at Steve to find him watching her intently.  “It’s complicated.”  She added after a long moment of scrutiny.

“I would like to understand why my two best friends in the whole world now hate each other.”

“I don’t hate him.”  She said reflexively.  “H-h-he just…  We…  We kissed.”

Steve blinked repeatedly in quick succession.  “You kissed?  When?  At my party?”

“No, at his.”

“Sweetheart that’s not that bad a thing.”  He reassured.  “It was like two weeks ago, surely you can talk it out?”

Izzy shook her head.  “You don’t get it.”

“What don’t I get?”

“I’m sure you already know.”  Izzy gave a heavy, shuddering sigh.  “Everyone must know by now.”

“You’ve lost me.”

“Everyone sees it but him.”  Tears welled up again and she swiped them away with her sleeve.  “I suppose it doesn’t matter now anyway.  I’m leaving tomorrow and putting him behind me.”  She sobbed, cradling her face in her hands as her tears flowed freely once more.

“What exactly did he do?”

“He broke my heart,” she whined, “I loved him and he broke my heart.”

“Of course you do, I love him too.”  Steve cosseted her.  “We’ve been best friends for so long how else can you describe what keeps us together if it isn’t love?”

“No, it’s not just that,” she looked up with a harrowing look of despair, “I’m in love with him, Steve!  I have been since before college.  And we kissed, and I thought-”  Her voice broke.  “But he went home with someone else…”  She collapsed forward again, sobbing into her palms.  How had things gotten this bad? 

“Does he know?”

A subtle shake of her head, no.

“Izzy, you need to talk to Bucky.  You need to tell him all of this and talk it out.”  Steve’s tone was direct, an instruction not a plea to be considered.

“I can’t, not now.  It’s too late.  I can’t take it anymore.  I can’t keep doing this over and over.”

“Please just call him.  Or I can call him for you, and ask him to come round?”  Steve reached for his pocket.

“No!”  She gripped his wrist firmly.  “I don’t want to see him.  I’m done.  Promise me you won’t tell him?  Please Stevie?  I can’t do this anymore.”

“Izzy…”

“Steven Grant Rogers!  You promise me you will keep this to yourself.”

“If you just talk to him, Izzy, please.  It’ll all be ok.  I promise you that.”

“You can make a promise that everything will be ok but you can’t make me a promise that you’ll keep this to yourself?”  Anger flared in her as she stared him down.  “You’re just as bad as he is.  I thought I was your best friend too.  Guess not.”

Steve looked lost and hurt, his eyes watering as he watched Izzy stand on unsteady legs and walk to his door.

“At least give me one day.”  She said, turning to face him.  “One measly day so I can leave with some dignity and without having to deal with any more drama than this already is.”

Steve nodded subtly and Izzy took that as his answer before she was closing his door behind her, without so much as a goodbye.

Izzy was distraught; two friendships ruined over one stupid idea she had years ago that she was too weak to push aside.  She didn’t bother wiping her tears away, there was no point.  She wore them like war paint as she walked to her car, a right of passage for the broken-hearted.

Inside her car, she let her forehead thump forward against the wheel.  One more day, that’s all she had to deal with and then she would be on a plane to a different country where she could forget all about Bucky Barnes.

Chapter Text

Izzy woke, frantic and sweating.  Heart racing, nerves jangling, she sat up in bed.  An unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room, the darkness was absolute.  Black-out curtains stole all indications of time as she calmed from her nightmare.  04:22 her phone display shone subtly when pressed.  Too early. 

Her dreams had been full of demons.  They all wore the same face.  His face.  Taunting, laughing, and snarling as they chased her.  There had been another presence by her side, scarcely seen but felt as reassurance, strength and kindness.  A warm enveloping that let her know she would be just fine.  Only, that presence wore his face too and as she recoiled in horror she had woken, feeling betrayed and utterly hopeless.

Tears slid from the corners of her eyes and into her hair as she lay in the hotel bed.  They tickled their way over her skin, cooling and then itching as they dried.

Izzy stared up into the darkness and forced herself to remember that this was the last few hours she would have to endure this torture, in the place where they all grew up – kids in Brooklyn pelting stones at cans and playing pretend.  In less than twelve hours she would be on a plane to London.

Her alarm was set for six o’clock but there was no way she would be able to get back to sleep now, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to if her dreams were no longer a means to escape the pain of her breaking heart.  She picked up her phone to see two missed calls and a message recieved late the night before.  They were from Steve.

[Steve]  Hey, I know you’re upset and probably don’t want to take my calls but I don’t want to let you go without saying goodbye.  You were really vague about how long you’d be gone and I’m going to miss you like crazy.  What time is your flight?  I promise I haven’t spoken to Bucky, just like you asked.  Please text me back, I don’t want to things to be how we left them. X

More tears slipped free.  Izzy had been horrible to Steve, accusing him of callousness when he did nothing but care for her, and for Bucky.  It must be a difficult position for him, to be stuck between his two best friends like that.  Just because Bucky broke her heart didn’t mean that Steve had to take the brunt of it.  Izzy replied.

[Izzy]  I’m glad you messaged.  I’m so sorry for being a bitch, it’s not your fault and I was wrong to take it out on you.  Thanks for keeping your promise, I know I’ve put you in an awkward position and I feel like crap because of that.  My flight is at 3pm from JFK.  I would love to see you before I leave. X

Izzy felt better mending things with Steve.  The Marvellous Three had now become the Marvellous Two, at least they had for her.  She felt false because Steve didn’t know the ins and outs of her sexual history with Bucky, but he didn’t need to know that much.  Without her admission of her love for Bucky, Steve would have just been guessing.  Izzy wondered if Bucky would tell Steve after she was gone.  Would her ex-lover tell their friend how he took everything he could from her physically, made her think they were moving forward together and then tossed her aside for someone more exciting.  Her chest constricted painfully at the thought of her kiss with Bucky – she had put her heart on the line by breaking their rules.  It was the risk she took.

No longer able to lay in bed and wallow in her sorrow, Izzy went about getting herself up and ready.  She had decided to stay in a hotel because her apartment had been emptied of everything that was personal to her, making it ready for Nat’s friend Wanda to move into straight away.  The hotel had been a good idea as a kind of steppingstone between her home and moving to a foreign country to live indefinitely.  She could have stayed at her parents’ place but she really wanted the time to herself, to prepare mentally for all of the changes that were coming.

When Steve responded he offered to meet her for breakfast before he headed into the office.  He couldn’t see her off at the airport because he had briefings, and his lunch hour wouldn’t be enough time.  Izzy didn’t mind, seeing him at the airport would be one more emotional goodbye to deal with, so grabbing breakfast was a good idea.  She invited him to meet her at the hotel.

Steve looked dapper in his dark suit with his slick-combed hair as he approached the table.  His strained smile gave Izzy a pang of guilt.  She stood to hug him and he held her fiercely.

“I’m so sorry.”  She croaked, trying not to let her tears flow again.

“It’s ok,” he rocked them from both side to side before releasing her, “I was pushy.”

“That’s hardly in your nature.”  She snorted sarcastically.

“I haven’t spoken to him.”  Steve confirmed before she could ask, not that she would ask.  She was trying to keep that man off her mind.  “He’s gone off grid, not answering my calls or texts, and he hasn’t been in work since his birthday.  I’m actually starting to worry about him.”

Izzy nodded, looking down at the menu to hide the glassiness of her eyes.  “Probably holed up with his party conquest.”  Bitterness tainted her tone.

“He wouldn’t skip work for sex.”

Steve was right.  Bucky had never skipped work to have sex with her but then again, she wasn’t special.  She was disposable, someone he could push aside easily for a better prospect.  “I don’t care.”  She sniffed, leaving an uncomfortable silence in its wake.

“So…”  Steve said after a few awkward sips of his coffee, changing the subject.  “Tell me about London.  What does this promotion entail exactly?”

It was easy for Izzy to talk about work, and it helped her focus on the positives that would come out of walking away from this situation with Bucky.  Living in London would be a great experience for her, seeing more of the world, furthering her career, and wiping clean the slate in certain aspects of her life.  Steve was happy for her until she mentioned that she would be on long-term loan to Alexander Pierce.  He frowned but Izzy didn’t notice, she was too wrapped-up in the details of her soon-to-be new life.

“Mr Pierce is a vastly successful entrepreneur, not to mention a former senator and former director of S.H.I.E.L.D,” she enthused, “he wants round-the-clock legal council who can be by his side wherever he goes, and let’s face it, travelling the world, seeing new places, and getting paid lots of money to do it isn’t exactly a hardship.”  She chuckled and Steve smiled with her, but his eyes were full of concern.

“It sounds like an amazing opportunity, and I’m happy you’re grasping it in both hands, just make sure you’re safe and happy.  That’s all I ask.”

“It is, Stevie, it really is!”  She beamed.  “Of course I’ll be safe.  Mr Pierce has his own security team, so I’ll be looked after.”

Steve nodded, thoughtfully.  “Will you come back to visit?  I’m really going to miss you, Iz.  We all will.”

Izzy knew that by saying we, Steve meant him and Bucky.  Of all of the people she did not want to consider the feelings of, Bucky Barnes was at the top of the list.  She ignored the comment completely.

“As often as I can,” she reached to squeeze his hand, seeing his eyes glass over slightly and his mouth turned down with sadness, “and you’re welcome to visit as soon as I’m settled.”  Her eyes started to water too.  “I’ll discover some amazing places to show you and impress you with when you visit.  You and Nat are both welcome any time.  I want to keep you both in my new life.”

New life.  Is that really what she was hoping for?  Yes, she supposed she was.

She tried to make the rest of her breakfast with Steve full of laughter and feel-good moments.  She didn’t know when they would see each other next but they both promised to call regularly, and visit when possible.  Steve regretted being unable to see her off at the airport, that given some more time he could have made arrangements with work.  Izzy was content to have one less emotional goodbye before she boarded, saying goodbye in the hotel restaurant felt more like she would see him in a couple of days, no big deal at all.

Watching him turn in the doorway to offer her a sad smile and a raised hand before leaving, a tear slipped down her cheek and her chest collapsed in a silent sob.  It was a big deal.  Could she really leave him behind?  Leave her life, family and friends behind?

+++

The days since his birthday had passed like molasses.  He had been on his last nerve by the afternoon of the first day.  He had called Izzy what felt like a hundred times to no avail.  At first her phone had rung out, then she sent him to voicemail after a couple of rings.  His messages asking to talk went unanswered, his apologies ignored.

Bucky was losing his mind.  If only he could just talk to her and find out why she had kissed him then threw him away so she could go home with Thor instead, then maybe he would understand.  Bucky always knew that the agreement they had was tenuous, that it could all fall to ruins if they weren’t careful.  But he had hoped that their friendship could endure.  He had been wrong, obviously.

He regretted even considering Izzy’s friends with benefits suggestion.  He had known that she didn’t feel the same way about him that he did about her.  Ever since that college party, he had known, but it hadn’t made a blind bit of difference to his feelings.  He loved her so deeply he would do anything to keep her with him even if it was just in friendship.  That was all being burned to the ground around him.  He had nothing left to lose but his dignity if he told her how he felt about her, how he had always felt.  That was what he needed to do.

Later in the evening on the day after his birthday, Bucky’s calls were ended without even the redirect to voicemail.  His messages undelivered.  Bucky checked his social media accounts to find that Izzy was no longer listed as a friend, her profiles private.  She had blocked him on everything, and shut him out of her life.

His heart collapsed in his chest.  The finality of it all was damning.  Izzy had obviously found what she needed in Thor’s arms, and had decided that Bucky wasn’t worth the effort anymore.

With salt on his lips from his tears and the burn of scotch in his throat, Bucky drank until he couldn’t feel anymore.  He drank until he couldn’t see straight or think straight, until his brain barely functioned, until he could only crawl to the bathroom to vomit his guts up.  And despite all of that, he couldn’t get Izzy out of his head, couldn’t unsee her kissing Thor, straddling Thor’s hips wearing his red tape, like he meant so little to her that she would torment him like that.  Bucky fell into an abyss of depression so deep it took Tony two weeks to pull him around and get him back into work.

That was where he was now, at Stark’s bar and grill, gulping down his fourth drink since he arrived a little over an hour ago.  Tony had practically dragged him by his scruff, forcing Bucky out of his apartment and back to work where he continued to wallow in his own self-pity, he just did it while cleaning up the bar and taking inventory.

He had counted the packets of peanuts several times already, losing count each and every time.  All he could think about was her, and that made him want to drink again.

“No more hard stuff or it’s coming out of your wages.”  Tony grumbled as he shuffled past, rubbing his left shoulder like he did when he was stressed.  “There ain’t a piece of skirt in this city worth all the hurtin’ you’re doin’ kid.”

“I’m fine.”  Bucky knocked back his fifth scotch – a triple.

“Like hell.”  Tony scoffed, thumping down on the stool at the end of the bar next to Bucky.  “Don’t make me call Dolores.”

Bucky rolled his eyes hard, clinking his glass into the washer rack.  He didn’t need his Ma finding out about him and Izzy.  Izzy was like a daughter to her, so his mother would only make him hate himself even more for everything that had happened.  If only he had said no to Izzy when she asked for no-strings sex, then maybe this wouldn’t hurt so much.  He’d seen her with men before, Izzy had been in relationships before, but it never bothered him as much as it had on his birthday.  The idea that maybe it was time he told her how he felt had opened him up to this pain.  He would never put his heart on the line like that again, not with her, or anyone.

The shrill ring of the retro phone bell assaulted his ears.  A glance over at Tony told him the old man would get it.  Bucky poured himself a sixth drink while the old man was distracted and knocked it back.

“Stark’s bar and grill, Tony speaking.”  A pause.  “Oh, hey Stevie!”

Bucky’s gut twisted.  He had been ignoring Steve’s calls since his birthday, not wanting to be around while Thor was still in town.  He figured that he would see Steve at some point once the huge blonde betrayer had returned home.

“Hang on a sec.”  Tony said, palming the mouthpiece.  “Steve, for you.”

“I’m not here.”  Bucky picked up his clipboard and left for the cellar where it was cool and quiet, and he didn’t have to listen to phone ringing or Tony’s advice.

“Bucky…”  Tony called after him, but he carried on walking.  “I’m sorry, Steve, he says he’s not here.”  Another pause.  “Okay, see you soon.”

At well past midday, Steve strode into Stark’s with purpose.  Bucky was sat at the bar with yet another drink, a weary look on his face, and an uncoordinated air about his movements.

“You’re drunk already.”  It wasn’t a question.

“So?”  Bucky slurred, slack-mouthed and petulant.

 “We need to talk.”

“’Bout what?”

“You know what.”

“I got nothin’ to say.”

“Well I do.”  Steve gripped Bucky by the bicep and pulled him to his feet.

“Gerroff me!”

“Your office, now.  The rest of these folks don’t need to hear this, but you do.”

Chapter Text

Steve walked Bucky into Bucky’s office by his bicep, pitching him forward as he closed the door behind him.  Bucky was angrier than a nest of hornets, rounding on Steve, ready to get in his face and demand an explanation for being treated like a fucking child.  How dare Steve come into his work and drag him back here in front of Tony and the customers like that.

The thunderous look on Steve’s face stopped Bucky in his tracks.

“You fucked her!”  Steve accused angrily.  “Didn’t you?”

“Who?”  Bucky’s heart pounded.  He knew exactly what Steve was talking about and suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“Izzy!”  He growled.  “You fucked her and broke her fucking heart.”

“Steve-”

“Why?”  Steve paced, hands on hips.  “Why did you do it?”

“I-”

“I thought you loved her?”  Steve stared him down, shoulders slumping, lips pursed in a down-turned curve.

“I did.”  Bucky raised his voice.

“You did?”  Steve’s lip curled distastefully. “What changed between my birthday and yours that made you do that to her?”

“Nothin’ changed.  I still love her.  I’ve always fucking loved her!”  Bucky roared, infuriated to be accused of something he hadn’t done.  He hadn’t broken her heart, she had broken his. 

“Then why the fuck is she so fucking heartbroken over you that she’s leaving for England?”

“She’s what?”  Bucky’s heart dropped what felt like a hundred storeys.

“Leaving for England.”  Steve snapped and Bucky stumbled back against his desk.  “I can’t believe you, man.  You had her, all you had to do was tell her how you feel and you both could have been happy.  But instead you had to sleep with her, make her feel special and then go home with some bimbo from your party.”

“She wanted to sleep with me!”  Bucky couldn’t believe what Steve was saying, it was lies.  Sure he went home with Tequila Princess but only because Izzy broke his heart first.  “And then she was practically humping Thor on the sofa out there!”  Wild arms gesturing to the door behind Steve.

Steve’s face flashed with recollection.  A remembrance that suddenly fit into place.  “Bucky,” Steve swallowed hard, “you need to stop her from leaving.”

“How?  Why?”

“Because you lover her,” Steve gripped his shoulders and shook him gently, “and she loves you, and this is all some horrific misunderstanding that I promise will all be fine if you just talk it out.”

“She doesn’t love me, Steve.”

“She does.  Trust me.”

“She asked me for no-strings sex and I was stupid enough to agree to it, now look at us.  I’m fucked and she’s with Thor.”  Bucky’s eyes watered as he shrugged his friend’s hand away.  “She’s blocked me, Steve, we’re no longer friends.”

“Bucky, listen to me.  Yesterday she told me she loves you.  She’s been in love with you since before she went to college.”

What?  No?  Bucky’s heart stuttered painfully hard.

“How the fuck you two have never told each other how you feel is beyond me and quite frankly I don’t have the energy to figure out how my two best friends are so dumb, but this is getting out of hand and I can’t sit by anymore and let you both-”

“She loves me?”  Bucky was reeling.  How could that be right?  It couldn’t be right.  She’d had plenty of partners, just like him.  But none of them had lasted… Just like his.  Fuck!  All of these years of time wasted.  If only he’d told her.  If only she’d told him.  He could have had her in all the ways he wanted her, needed her.  Instead of this half-life they had been living, hurting each other in the process.

“Yes, she loves you.”

“She’s not with Thor?

“God, no!”  Steve snorted.  “But… Her flight leaves for London at three o’clock.  You have to go now!  C’mon!  We’ll get you a cab,” Steve physically turned Bucky towards the door, “I’m due back at work any minute.  C’mon!”

Bucky felt sober instantly.  “Three o’clock?”

“Yes!  Now go!”

Bucky’s heart was in his throat as he grabbed his jacket and tore open the office door.  He stumbled, looking back over his shoulder at his best friend who was following him through the bar with a determined expression on his face.

Bucky was reeling.  How could he have not seen it before?  The way Izzy had been heartbroken when he told her he was joining the Army.  How she looked at him had been so different from how she looked at Steve but he had never noticed because he didn’t think she would ever want someone like him, she was worthy of so much better.  When she had asked him for no strings sex, had she done that for herself or because she thought that was all he wanted, just sex?  Oh, Jesus!  Bucky, you’re an idiot!  How had he not seen the signs?  How had he fucked this up so completely?  But there was still hope…

Bucky practically jumped out into the street in front of a yellow cab, waving his arms frantically but Steve yanked him back onto the sidewalk, muttering something about getting himself killed.  The cab was already on a fare and did not stop.

Minutes felt like hours and Bucky was frantic by the time a cab stopped for him.  Steve helped him into the backseat urgently.

“Where to?”  The driver met Bucky’s gaze in the rear-view mirror.

“I-”

“JFK, terminal seven, departures.”  Steve instructed firmly, pinning Bucky with a beseeching look.  “Please just tell her the truth about how you feel.”

“I will.”  Bucky said as he buckled himself in.

“Good luck.”  Steve stood back as Bucky nodded, and slammed the door shut.

The cab pulled away, too slowly for Bucky’s liking.  His heart was racing and it felt like the car was crawling along the road.  He wished he hadn’t had all of those drinks or he could have taken his bike.  If Steve hadn’t been there, Bucky would have drove regardless of how many drinks he’d had.  Getting to Izzy was the most important thing and he could have woven his way through the traffic with ease.

Her flight was set to leave at three o’clock, she would likely be boarded onto the plane by half past two, the journey to the airport was at least fifty minutes in good traffic, so that left him about the same amount of time to get into the terminal and find her.  He could do this.

Pockets of heavy traffic on Atlantic Avenue brought the car to a standstill.  Bucky’s fidgeted in the back seat until his nerves itched and he couldn’t take it anymore.  His hope of fifty minutes to get there was already going to be an underestimate.

“Can you take a detour, or somethin’, man?”

“It’ll add a lot to the fare to wind through the side streets…”

“I don’t care,” Bucky half snapped at the driver, “I can’t be late.”

“It’s your money man, whatever you want.”

“Thanks, man.”

The driver turned off at the next junction, taking slower side streets to try to skip the traffic build-up on Atlantic, but it seemed like a lot of other people had that same idea, so the going was slower than Bucky had hoped.  Finally, the driver emerged onto Atlantic just in time to join South Conduit Boulevard and pick up the Nassau Expressway headed to JFK airport.

Panic began to set in far worse than before.  Bucky just couldn’t seem to get his breathing and heart rate under control.  In the Army he had been so cool, calm and collected that he had been dubbed The Winter Soldier, because nothing rattled him – he was always frosty cool in any situation.  But not this time.  Not when it came to Izzy.  He was back to being that teenage kid again, standing in front of her in that terrible baggy sweater she used to love, when he realised he’d be losing her.  It hadn’t been for good but he hadn’t known that at the time.  And he was going to lose her again, for good this time – it certainly felt final.  Whatever misunderstanding had happened on his birthday, he no longer cared.  He would tell her everything, confess his feelings and beg her to give him a chance.  He had nothing left to lose because everything he had wanted his whole life was about to board a plane to London, intending to never speak to him again.

Fifty five minutes after Bucky got into the cab, they were still driving, just hitting the expressway.  Bucky knew there was only about ten minutes of journey time left and he was frantic, restlessly shifting in his seat, leaning to see out of the windows on each side, and in front to gauge the traffic ahead.  Soon enough, he could see the airport building looming nearer, and as the driver pulled up near the entrance of terminal seven, Bucky was already unclipping his seatbelt, reading the meter and pushing money through the slot in the screen – five twenties – and telling the driver to keep the change.

He stumbled as he scrambled out of the cab, slamming the door behind him as he ran for the automatic doors to the terminal.  The clock on the board read 13:55 as Bucky searched the check-in board for the 3pm flight to London.  He found it, BA 112.  The check-in desk was already closed but there was a lady at one of the stations.

Bucky practically slid to a stop in front of her, panting, sweat beading on his brow.

“Hi,” he flashed her a nervous grin, “can you tell me if Isabella Freeman has checked in for BA one one two please?”

The woman looked uncomfortable.  “Are you travelling with someone?  Can I see your passport?”

“I’m not travelling but I need to speak to her.”

“I’m sorry, sir, we can’t discuss customer information because of data protection rules.”

Bucky groaned.  “It’s really important, I need to see her.”

“Has she forgotten something?  Medication or anything like that?  I can probably get it to her for you.”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that, ah god!”  He turned, tugging on his hair.  What the hell was he supposed to do now?

At a run he searched the length of the pre-security check-in area.  Izzy was nowhere to be seen.  He checked the bar and the café, the shops, and even climbed the stairs for a better vantage point.  When he started calling her name he drew the attention of airport security.

At the queue for security checks, he was stopped by a TSA officer.

“Can I help you, sir?”

“I’m looking for my friend, she’s getting on the BA flight to London, flight one one two,” Bucky didn’t look at the officer, instead scanned the crowds for Izzy’s familiar hair and face, “I need to speak to her before she leaves, it’s important.”

“Step to one side, sir,” the officer said, guiding him without contact to the wall at the side of the area, “what’s so important?”

Bucky knew that the officer was really asking if there was a security risk.  Bucky could lie and say that she was carrying something dangerous and get her pulled from the flight.  But they would both get arrested and get them both thrown on the no-flight list.  It might also hurt Izzy’s career – he absolutely could not and would not risk that.  If she hated him now and wanted him out of her life then that would be the final nail in the coffin of their friendship, for sure.  No, he wouldn’t.

“I just need to talk to her before she goes, can you at least put a call out for her or something?”

“I’m sorry, sir, if she’s passed security then bringing her back into the main terminal will delay the flight and cause other problems.”  The officer could see his anxiousness but met it with stony-faced apathy.  “When she lands you can call her, yes?”

“Fuck!”  Bucky growled, hands gripping his hair again as he wracked his brain for what to do.

“Last chance, if you’re going to use profanity I won’t hesitate to have you removed forcibly.”

Good luck with that, bucky thought, but held his hands out in a placatory gesture.  “It’s not directed at you, I’m just frustrated.”  He explained.  “I’m sorry.”

The TSA officer escorted him away from the security area and asked him to speak to someone with the flight carrier for the flight of the passenger he was enquiring about.  He’d already tried that at the check-in but he could try someone else.

The departures board showed Izzy’s flight as boarding out of gate twelve and it was twenty past two already.  As he was frantically asking any airport employee he saw, where he could speak to someone from British Airways, a final call for passengers for Izzy’s flight was announced over the PA system.  Luckily another British Airways flight check-in was opening and there were a handful of staff at the desks.

“Please can you help me?”  Bucky begged an older lady in a British Airways uniform.  “I need to speak to my friend who’s traveling to London on BA flight one one two.  Her name is Isabella Freeman.  Her flight is boarding through gate twelve now.  It’s really important I speak to her before she leaves, please, can you make a call to the gate to get her on the phone?”

If Bucky couldn’t tell Izzy face-to-face then telling her on the phone would be the next best thing, it was the only thing he had left to do besides trying to barge through security and get himself arrested.

The woman looked at him with pity in her eyes as she asked him the same questions the other British Airways attendant had about forgotten medication.

“No, she hasn’t forgotten anything, I just need to speak to her.  Please?  I’m desperate.”  Bucky’s eye watered as despair kicked in.  No one was going to help him and his chances of talking to Izzy before she left were dwindling.  If he had gotten here sooner, maybe she wouldn’t have gone through security already, maybe he could have seen her and convinced her not to leave, told her that he loved her, that he had always loved her.  Even if she didn’t feel the same, and Steve had been wrong, he would have lost nothing because she was leaving him behind and cutting him out of her life anyway.  He would still have lost everything but at least he’d have done everything he could.

Bucky’s shoulder slumped as he turned away from the desk, leaving the check-in attendants to do their job.  What could he do now?  His choices were to let her go or to get her removed from the flight as a security threat.

“Excuse me?”  A young lady in a British Airways uniform approached him, her eyes were soft and full of pity.  “Can I ask why you need to speak to your friend?”

Bucky sighed.  What could it hurt to tell her, a complete stranger.  “I love her.  I always have.  And I need to tell her before it’s too late,” he said, defeated.  “She’s leaving because I fucked up, and I need to tell her I’m sorry before she’s gone and I never see her again.”

“Oh, wow!”  The woman’s eyes glazed and she sniffed, moved by his words.

“It’s already too late.”  His tears slipped free as he finally accepted his fate.  The departures board said boarding was closed and the time was 14:52.  Izzy’s flight wasn’t due to take off until 15:00 but the plane would be closed up and taxying to the runway by now.  It was too late.  He had failed.

Suddenly the woman gripped his wrist and pulled him as she half-ran to an unused check-in desk, where she slid behind the counter and picked up the phone.  Bucky’s heart leapt.  Could he dare to hope again?

“This is Demi, BA agent four nine five eight, placing a call to gate twelve for a BA one one two passenger, Isabella Freeman to come to the phone please, it’s urgent news about a family member.”  The woman looked up at Bucky and gave him a weak smile.

She sat in silence for what felt like an eternity before her attention shifted and she listened to someone on the other end of the phone.  Bucky’s heart jumped, hoping beyond hope that Demi would pass him the phone and it would be Izzy on the other end.

“Can you put a call out to the plane and give her a message at least,” she covered the mouthpiece, “what’s your name?”

“James, um, Bucky, I’m called Bucky.”  His mouth was dry, his hope was slipping again.  Even if the cabin crew could get a message to Izzy, there was no guarantee she would listen or care, no guarantee she would call him when she landed.

“Can you relay the message that Bucky came to the airport to give her some important news and to contact him when she lands.  Yep.  Yep.”  Demi chuckled.  “It’s like something straight out of a movie.”  She half-whispered.  “I’ll wait.”

Bucky was too stressed to blush, he didn’t care what anyone thought of him in this moment.  The only person he cared about right then was Izzy.  He would take all of the shame and embarrassment later if it meant that he could speak to her or at least have her call him when she landed.

Demi tried not to meet his eyes as she waited on the line for confirmation that his message had been passed along.  After a moment she sat up straighter and then looked at Bucky with a sad expression.  “Thanks, love, I’ll let him know.”  She cradled the receiver.

“What is it?”  Bucky’s heart was in his throat.

“Your friend wasn’t on the plane.”

“What does that mean?  Did she not leave?”  Was there still hope that she had changed her mind?

“She did leave, just not on that flight.”  Demi explained with a sad expression.  “Her ticket was cancelled and she was transferred to a private flight which took off over an hour ago.”

“No…”  Bucky’s heart collapsed in his chest, winding him like he’d just been punched in the gut.

“I’m sorry, sir, all I can tell you is that she’s been in the air over an hour and that her destination is still the same. I’m not even supposed to tell you that, but you seem like a nice man and – oh Jesus- I’m so sorry.”

Bucky collapsed to his knees, holding the edge of the check-in desk for support as his tears came and he struggled to breathe.  Demi ran around the desk to try to help him but there was nothing she could do for him.

Izzy had left.  She was already gone.  There was no hope left for him now, no chance to make it right or tell her how he felt, how he had always felt.  He was an idiot.  He had fucked up the best thing that had ever happened to him just because he had tried to keep his feelings from her, tried to play it safe.  By not taking the risk he had inadvertently lost her anyway.  If only she had told him what she had told Steve… they were both to blame really but Bucky felt so low that he couldn’t bring himself to blame anyone else.  He did this.  He fucked up.

Fuck!

On his knees on the floor of terminal seven at JFK airport, Bucky sobbed for his lost love.

Chapter Text

~ Eleven Months Later

Izzy lay sweating.  Her heart pounded and her throat was dry, rasping breaths slowly calming as she came down from her climax.  She felt relief flood through her system, after working and concentrating so hard on her release.  Being so close to the edge for so long without reaching the euphoria she sought, she thought she would be left wanting, left to do for herself in the bathroom what he had not.  She had gotten there, though, furiously rubbing her clit as the last of his thrusts slowed and stilled as he waited with his softening cock still embedded as she finally spasmed around him.

No sooner had she finished, had he let her legs fall to the bed and rolled off her and strode to the window with cigar and scotch in hand.  She knew he had a lot on his mind at the moment, a lot of pressure, a lot of responsibility.  It was all part of his new job as chief of security to Alexander Pierce.  Izzy’s boyfriend of seven months was the top man of Mr Pierce himself, his very best, Brock Rumlow.

It wasn’t always like this.  Brock had paid her a lot of attention at the start of their relationship, his sweet nature completely taking her off guard – he certainly didn’t look like the type to romance anyone, let alone be vulnerable with them.  His arrogance had been a barrier at first but he had won her over, quickly understanding her love language and doting on her at every opportunity.

Izzy had struggled to fit in, initially, but with Brock at her side everything had been much easier.  The complete disengagement from her old life had been hard but she had jumped in with both feet, determined to make it work and to make herself forget.  She remembered those first few months as the sweat on her skin cooled and her body relaxed into the mattress.

London was a bustling city, not unlike New York, with its tall buildings and its history.  It was beautiful in its opulence, with ornate architecture and strong aristocratic roots that supported the British tradition of the Monarchy; god save the queen, and all that went with it.

Izzy found herself drawn to those older parts of the city, choosing to spend her free time exploring areas like Trafalgar Square, Covent Garden and the west end theatre district.  The beauty of the structures that sprang from the era of British prosperity and pride were something she found novel and appealing.

She didn’t care so much for the area in which she worked.  After having done some research on London and its districts, she had hoped to be working in or around the Temple area.  She knew the name of Fleet Street from Sweeney Todd the musical, and hoped to be able to tell her parents that she worked near there but, sadly, the tall glass and steel structures of Canary Wharf – the Isle of Dogs – was so much like the landscape of Manhattan that she resented it for being a poor substitute.

Her apartment was nice enough.  Larger than she expected for a city apartment, and right on the waterfront with the East India DLR (docklands light railway) station within walking distance.  She could get around easily enough during her down time.

Working in the offices of Goodwin Enterprises was like navigating a maze, not just in the physical sense but socially too.  Getting to know everyone on Mr Pierce’s personal roster had been daunting.  Izzy was acutely aware that she was a very small fish in a very big pond with much much bigger fish.  She questioned internally, more than once, why she was requested for this role in the first place.  It wasn’t until she was brought in with the rest of Mr Pierce’s legal team that it became obvious that some fresh thinking was needed and that was what she was there to provide.

Mr Pierce’s legal needs were vast, as he had mentioned in his initial meetings at Markham & Maddox, and his competitors vicious.  Izzy’s main role was to thwart his competitors gambits and launch legal counter-attacks.  She had dealings with everything from claims of corporate espionage to government contracts management.  Her days were long, especially at first, and her focus unwavering.  She had very time to fraternise with colleagues save for the occasional gathering at the local pub after work and though she did try hard to get to know everyone, they didn’t really know her and that divide often made her feel incredibly alone.  It was in those moment’s she really missed Steve and Nat, and…

A soft knock on her office door at well after nine o’clock in the evening drew her from deep concentration.  The documents for a piece of litigation that had crossed her desk earlier in the day had needed reworking in order to make them water-tight.

She had barely lifted her head, let alone drawn breath to call out when the handle turned and a head poked around the door in greeting.  Dark short-cropped hair that never seemed to change week-on week, dark eyes and a strong square jaw that was so familiar to her now that she saw him every single day she was working; Agent Rumlow met her eyes with a cheeky glint in his.  His face, one that could look so stern, looked friendly with his quirky smile as he watched her for the brief moment it took for her to acknowledge him verbally.

“Agent Rumlow.”  Izzy greeted, straightening her spine and brushing her wayward strands of hair behind her ears.  “What can I do for you?”

“I’m off duty,” he said from the doorway, the door still not fully opened.  This was what he said when he wanted to dispense with the professionalism.  “You weren’t at the bar with the others and Nadine said you were working late so I wondered if you’d had dinner yet?”

“Ahhh,” Izzy sighed uncomfortably.  “I have too much work left to do to be able to go out for dinner, I’m sorry.”  She said with finality, turning her attention back to her papers.

Brock had been asking her out to dinner at least once a week for the past month or two, and while it may have been something that she would entertain, she had either been too swamped with work or – like in the early days since her move to London – too emotionally drained by her broken heart to entertain anything other than the most basic interactions with friends and colleagues.

“I had a feeling you’d say that,” he pushed the door open, revealing a bag in his other hand, “so I brought dinner to you.”

They ate dinner in her office with the lights of the London skyline glimmering against the night outside the window.  Brock made small talk and amused her with funny anecdotes about people around the offices.  He gave insights on clients that she couldn’t glean from the corporate files because they were observations born of his experience and long service at the side of Mr Pierce, and his knowledge of the history between Goodwin Enterprises and some of their competitors.

Izzy found herself smiling, giggling even, at some of his antics.  It was refreshing to see this side of him so outwardly on display that she found herself becoming enamoured with him.  As time grew on, she spent more and more time with Brock and finally agreed to go on a date with him.

During the early days of their romance, Brock was a doting beau.  He refused her nothing and even helped her get better situated within the company.  She was so focused on her successes that she barely noticed the compromises that crept into her decisions.  Brock helped steer her as she navigated legal situations for Mr Pierce personally, as well as for the business.  Izzy became a bit of a go-between for volatile situations, navigating the grey areas between legalities that, on occasion, were necessary.

Izzy’s aptitude for grasping the ever-changing situations surrounding Mr Pierce was precisely why she was there, her ability to go for the throat coupled with the perceived inexperience about her often made people misjudge her.  She had grown into a barracuda whilst wearing the guise of a goldfish.

Izzy sat up in bed and went to clean up in Brock’s bathroom.  Her things were where she always left them on the corner of the vanity, an ever-present reminder of her regular residence in his apartment whilst not taking up much of his space.  She sat on the toilet and busied herself wiping up the mess between her thighs before flushing and washing up.

“You’ll wear the emerald Versace to the gala tomorrow.”  Brock called from the bedroom once the sound of the flush had died down.  “Mr Pierce insists on it.”

Izzy opened the door to find him in exactly the same place, cigar smoke now floating around him like a veil.  She had long since stopped arguing about the clothing she was required to wear.  How could she complain about expensive designer dresses and jewellery that she didn’t have to pay for.

“And what will you be wearing?”  She sidled up behind him and tucked herself against his naked back, appreciating the firmness of his body if not the cloud of smoke.

Brock smirked.  “I’ll be on duty, Isabella, this isn’t a social event.”

“It’s not?”  She teased, stroking her hands down his stomach and finding his cock regrettably flaccid.

He peeled her hands away and shrugged out of her embrace.  “I need to be focused tomorrow,” he warned, “a lot rides on it.”

Brock didn’t and couldn’t elaborate on it, but Izzy knew that he shouldered a lot of pressure for his team.  She didn’t think Mr Pierce would be in any danger otherwise Brock would be at the venue going over the security setup rather than spending the evening in bed with her.

“I know,” she whispered.  Knowing his stress without knowing the cause wasn’t truly knowing, but what else could she say?

“You’ve got your part to play too,” he finally turned to face her, naked and completely at ease.  If she didn’t know better, she would say he carried no burden at all, such was his internal strength.

“I know,” she sighed and met his gaze softly before she quipped, “being eye candy for the whales Mr Pierce wants to harpoon isn’t exactly the best use of my talents.” 

“Babydoll,” he soothed, reaching for her, his face softening.  “You’re nobody’s eye candy but mine.  But you know how effective that strategy is, and you work it perfectly.”

Izzy knew Brock was buttering her up but regardless of how she felt about it, she was on billable hours during the gala, so it was her job to do whatever Mr Pierce needed to make his deals.

Goodwin Enterprises was soaring right now, blowing its competitors out of the water one by one.  It seemed like they were unstoppable, and Izzy couldn’t help but feel proud that she was part of the team that made it all happen.  She felt powerful, vital, and important.  She felt like her life was finally headed in the right direction.  With her past (and a certain person) firmly behind her, she was looking forward her future with only a slight pang of guilt that she had left her other friends behind her too.

She made herself a silent promise that, after the gala, she would invite Steve and Nat over to visit.

Chapter Text

Steve hung his head as he descended in the elevator of the 78^th precinct in Brooklyn.  A grim, thin-lipped expression adorned his face underneath a tense frown.  The air was charged with a kind of awkwardness that he never expected to feel, especially not on Thanksgiving.

“I appreciate you giving me a call, Sam.”  Steve continued to look at the floor, partly out of shame for his best friend and partly because he didn’t want to see the disappointment on the other man’s face.

Sam Wilson was a good cop and good man.  Steve knew that Sam was putting himself on the line by doing this, and he knew that favours like these weren’t a bottomless commodity.

“He’s in a bad way,” Sam said as the elevator slowed, “What the hell happened to him?”

“You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

The elevator pinged and the doors slid open on a dingy corridor with multiple holding cells, their grey doors and meshed safety glass windows uniform down the entire row.  Sam held the door open but didn’t step out.

“I know you said he was going through a rough patch when you asked me to get in touch if I picked him up but this isn’t the first time, Steve, and people are starting to ask questions.”  Sam met Steve’s gaze when he looked up, sadness and anger raged within the blue.  “It would help if I knew what we’re trying to save him from.”

Steve sighed heavily and stepped out into the gloom.  “I thought I was saving him from himself,” he said solemnly, “broken heart, depression or whatever, but now I’m not so sure.”

“Something’s going to have to change or he’s going to end up in jail, or in a coffin.”

Steve nodded, his fist closing around the paper that Sam had given him before they came down here.  “Thanks, Sam.”

“I don’t want to see his sorry ass back here, you hear me?”

“I hear you.”

Sam shook his head with a wry smile as he stepped to the back of the elevator and folded his hands behind his back.  As the doors closed he said, as if to himself “I’d hate to meet the woman that breaks a man like that.”

The officer on guard eyed Steve suspiciously as he glanced down at the release papers for one James Buchannan Barnes.  The charges had been dropped on account of all damages being paid in full; Steve had smoothed everything over with the bar owner and promised a personal apology from Bucky as well as the damages from his episode being paid in full.

With much preamble, the officer took his time sauntering to Bucky’s cell where he clanged on the door with his baton and hollered for the inhabitant to back up against the far wall.

When Steve first laid his eyes on Bucky his heart fell.  The man was a mess.  Dishevelled and filthy, more like a vagrant or one of the city’s homeless than his best friend.  Guilt welled up inside, eclipsing the anger he felt at Bucky for getting himself into this situation again, and replacing it with sorrow.  It had been weeks since he had seen Bucky and, despite trying to visit him at his apartment and at Stark’s, the man had been nowhere to be found.

“Go away.”  Bucky growled from his space on the floor, back slumped against the wall, one leg cocked with his forearm resting atop his knee, the other splayed out in front of him.

“Good news, Barnes,” the guard said flatly, “the charges have been dropped and you’re free to go.”

“Why?”  Bucky looked confused and annoyed, as if he wanted to remain in the cell.

“Friends in high places…”

“Who- ahhhh Jesus…”  Bucky looked away as soon as he clapped eyes on Steve, his throat constricting with emotion.

“C’mon, Buck,” Steve extended his hand for Bucky to take, “It’s time to go home.”

The tears in Bucky’s eyes were the first sign of his defeat.  As he clasped hands with his best friend and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet he began to sob with shame and Steve just held his friend in the dingy cell while Bucky sobbed and snotted on the shoulder of his woolen peacoat.  He didn’t care about that, only that his friend needed him and that he was there.

Bucky’s apartment was just as much a mess as the man himself.  Dirty clothes were strewn over every seat and across the floor, empty bottles and takeout boxes filled the spaces in between.  The curtains were drawn and a musty smell hung in the air; stale cigarettes, sweat and desperation.

Steve followed Bucky inside, watching as he stripped his coat off and tossed it amongst the other discarded garments.  Bucky had put on weight in the three months since Izzy had moved away, for which Steve was thankful, at least he was eating and not wasting away or falling into drug use.

“I’d offer you a coffee but I don’t have any.”  Bucky said, shuffling into the kitchen and pulling a half empty bottle of vodka from in amongst the mess.  “You want some?”

“No thanks,” Steve clenched his jaw, trying to subdue his annoyance.  “You shouldn’t either.”  He had only just managed to get Bucky home and he was already hitting the bottle.

“Why not?  It helps.”

“Does it though, Buck?”

“If I drink enough, I don’t feel.”  He took a massive swig from the bottle and flopped down in one of the chairs on top of the clothes and rubbish that was already there.  “I don’t want to feel anything.”

“So this is still about Izzy?”

“When is it ever not about her?”  Bucky glared at his friend.  “Have you spoken to her recently?”

Steve stilled.  He had made Izzy a promise that he would not talk to Bucky about her, but he couldn’t lie to his friend.  “I have.”

“Did she tell you about her new boyfriend?”  Another swig without breaking eyecontact.

“She did.”  Steve sighed.  “How did you know about him?  Nat?  Thor?”

Bucky scoffed incredulously.  “She talks to Thor?”

When Steve didn’t answer, Bucky’s face turned grim and he upended the bottle, gulping down almost half of what was left.

“Would you just… slow down.”  It was hard for Steve to watch Bucky like this.  It was so much worse than seeing him depressed before Izzy left but now he was a complete wreck.

Bucky’s breathing began to come out in huffs as the alcohol hit his system.  He regarded Steve for a long moment, nodding as if accepting whatever thoughts were swirling in his mind.  “I saw it on Instagram,” he said defeated, “a friend of ours added the boyfriend and it came up on mutuals.  His profile isn’t private but I knew when I saw Izzy in his profile picture that he was…”

Of all the ways to find out, Steve thought this was probably one of the worst ways.  It wouldn’t hurt any less for Bucky to hear it from him or Nat but at least he would have been able to talk it out with a friend instead of spiralling the way he had.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“She made you promise?”

Steve nodded.

“I understand.”

With the rest of the bottle gone, Bucky became pliant.  Steve found it easy to coax him out of the apartment and into the car.  An overnight bag, packed while Bucky was in a stupor and slung into the trunk, was all he brought.

“Where’re we goin’?”

“Sleep over at my place.”  Steve beamed as brightly as he could.  “Got beer, pizza, and the game is on.  Sound good?”

“Guys night in?”  Bucky’s head lolled as the car moved.

“Yeah.  You down?”

“Bring it!”  Bucky grinned.

Steve felt bad lying.  The only beer in his apartment was rootbeer, and he wasn’t about to pick up any other kind.

Steve managed to keep Bucky at his apartment long enough to get him sober, clear his hangover and drag him to the gym.  Bucky agreed to go along to help Steve with his workout and one day lead to the next.  Bucky was soon going along with Steve to the gym every morning and going for runs every evening, swapping one form of addiction for another.  He stayed with Steve and didn’t return to his apartment, he simply washed and rewashed the clothes that Steve had packed into bad the night he was released.

After several weeks, Bucky returned home with Steve to start the arduous process of reclaiming his life and clearing out his mess.

“I can’t believe I got this bad.”  Bucky said, surveying the carnage that was once his tidy apartment.  “I remember being here and everywhere I looked, I saw her.  On the sofa, in my kitchen, in my bed, even in the shower.  And all I wanted to do was erase her from my memory.”  He shook his head.  “I still see her.  But it doesn’t hurt so much.”

Steve laid his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and squeezed.  “It will get better.”

“I know.”  Bucky laid his hand on top of Steve’s.  “I don’t want to lose the memories of her, they’re all I’ve got.”

The clean-up took a few days of work.  Steve helped, and Nat too.  They replastered and repainted the walls where Bucky had caused damage, whether with his fists or by throwing things.  The carpets and sofas were professionally cleaned, and all of the broken picture frames were replaced with new ones which Bucky thought he might put different photos in.

Bucky also had a visit from his mom.  Dolores had been worried sick about her son after hearing from Tony what had been going on.  She didn’t berate him or chastise him, or even try to make him feel guilty for how he had made her worry, she just held him and promised him that she would always love him.  Bucky promised to visit more often and to go see Tony about going back to work.

The hunt for photos to fit the new frames he had bought proved to be a stumbling block.  Bucky found some old photos of Izzy which he had kept separate from the others inside a sturdy envelope.  Ones of her that he had taken, ones of them both together, all of which tugged on his heart like lead while also making his veins burn for her.  One photo in particular sucked the breath from his lungs; Izzy and Bucky on a sofa at a party during her last year of college – the night he had asked her out.  The things that stood out to him now were her eyes and the way she looked at him like he was all she would ever need.  How had he never seen it?  He could also see it in her lips and the way she smiled when they were together.  All of those memories, all of the things he had missed.  But he remembered something else.  A roll of film in a camera he saved from his birthday.  A full roll of film with just Izzy and him on it, when he thought he had her and they were both happy.

In a panic he scrabbled to find the missing roll.  He had no memory of throwing it away but that didn’t mean he hadn’t.  There was a box in his bedroom that still had his costume inside.  Digging in amongst the patent leather and accessories, he found the camera and the packs of photos that Nat had had developed from the other cameras.  With a sigh of relief, he pocketed it and headed out to have the pictures processed.  If this was all he had of Izzy then he would cherish the short time they had together not hiding what they shared.

Chapter Text

The ballroom of the Fitzroy Hotel was a sea of opulence and finery.  Gold and cream fixtures were blended perfectly with rose-veined marble to create a stunningly regal appearance.  A quintet played beautiful music that Izzy could not even begin to name while glamourous women in sparkling jewels and fine gowns on the arms of suave men in stylish tuxedos filled the remaining space with chatter.

Under a huge chandelier made of thousands of crystals, Alexander Pierce stood talking to his biggest competitor like they were old friends, scotch in hand, comfortable as you please.  The subterfuge, once difficult for Izzy to follow, was now just another language she was fluent in.  But the apparent face-off between Mr Pierce and a man named Charles Walton was purely distraction.  The real gambit was happening in front of her, with Walton Senior’s son, Troy.  Far less savvy with the clandestine activities of those at the top of the food chain, Troy was the weak link in the chain, the horse that would be the downfall of the Trojans, so to speak.

Izzy smiled and blinked rapidly, feigning confusion.  She hated this aspect of her job.  It wasn’t pretty, or morally sound, nor was it strictly legal, but Brock really needed her help with these things so here she was, tampering with the heir of a billion dollar corporation.

“I still don’t understand.”  She said when Walton Junior had told her more than he should have about dear old daddy’s plans for beating Goldwin to the punch on the military contract they were in loggerheads about.  “Maybe I didn’t hear you right.  Maybe we should go somewhere quieter.  It’s all so fascinating.”

“Darling, I would love nothing more.”  Troy slurred and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, palm sweaty against her bare skin.  The man had wandering hands.

Izzy’s skin crawled at the thought of having this man pawing at her, but she only had to endure it for a short time.  He was already inebriated, having had a drink that packed a little extra kick.  Soon he would be so far gone he would answer any question, she just needed to get him somewhere private before he collapsed.  She searched subtly for Brock, who was not at his post near the main door.  She found him escorting a young waitress out via an exit that lead towards the lifts to the guest rooms upstairs.  That was her cue.

“Come with me,” she whispered to him as she took his hand and tugged him to follow Brock.  “I know a place we can be alone.”

The champagne in her glass had long since warmed and, although she had no intention of drinking it, she would have looked out of place in the ballroom without it in her hand.  She set it down on the table in the lounge area of the suite that had been chosen for this meeting, kicked off her shoes and led Walton Junior to the bedroom.  Giggling and fawning in a playful display, Izzy shoved him back onto the bed and excused herself to go to the bathroom.

Inside the bathroom, the young waitress awaited, wearing the very same dress and hair style Izzy wore.  The girl looked enough like Izzy to pull this off.  Of course, she wasn’t a waitress, she was one of Alexander’s people and was well used to this sort of thing.

Izzy waited until she heard Walton Junior moaning and quietly exited the bathroom, pulling the door closed slightly as she passed into the lounge.  Brock was there waiting.

“Shoes.”  He hissed at her.

Shit.  She couldn’t forget those.

“Glass.”

There could be no evidence of her left in this room.  She needed to be seen down in the ballroom for the rest of the night.  If Troy Walton identified her as the woman he spent the night with and told his daddy’s secrets to, she needed to be beyond reproach.

There were no pleasantries and no comforting touches when she passed Brock to leave.  He didn’t pay her so much as a glance, which hurt, but she understood that he was working now and couldn’t afford any slip ups.  She closed the door silently behind her and descended in the elevator.

Downstairs in the powder room, she made sure to straighten her dress and hair before returning to the ballroom to resume mingling at Alexander’s side.  His bright smile completely masking the cold and heartless interior she knew he had.

When he introduced her to Walton Senior, it was all part of the plan.  If Troy Walton identified her as the woman he spent the night with, his very own father would be her alibi.

Charlie Walton was also handsy, despite his wife being present somewhere in the mingling groups of wives and girlfriends to the misogynist boardroom sharks.  Izzy counted down the minutes until the end of this little charade, when she could go home, rid herself of the residue left behind by these men, on her skin and on her soul.  She knew Brock would not be home until the following day.

Taking a short break to gather herself and claim another drink – one which she would consume – she saw someone she recognised and stopped dead.  No, it couldn’t be.  Her memory jerked her back to another time and another place, so far removed from where she was today that it almost felt like a past life.  Tall, dark hair, wide shoulders that she knew all-too-well, even right down to the way he ran his hand through his hair.  Her heart protested and panic set in.  He couldn’t be here.  It was impossible.  Steve didn’t even know exactly where she was living let alone that she would be here.  Panic gave way to a twisted form of excitement.  She had missed him.  Even now, after almost a year.  Bucky Barnes still had a hold on her.

Izzy was torn.  The decision between hiding from him, or confronting him was torturous and all the while, her emotions came flooding back; the love she felt, and the pain.  Why couldn’t he just leave her the hell alone?  Wasn’t her complete erasure of him from her life enough of a hint that she was completely done?

Was she done, though?  Then why was she walking towards him with purposeful strides.

“Bucky?”  She said when she reached him, reaching to touch him on the shoulder.

He turned and her heart sank.  Brown eyes, thin lips and the distinct absence of that chin dimple she used to press her fingertip into when she would tease him.  This man wasn’t Bucky.

“I’m sorry,” she said, flustered.  “I thought you were someone else.”

The man, whoever he was, tried to reply but she excused herself without hearing a single word.  Spinning so quickly she almost lost her balance, she fled to the safety of the powder room where her eyes filled with tears but she refused to let them fall.

The girl in the mirror looked back at her accusingly.  How dare Izzy allow herself to feel anything but regret and ager for that man?  How dare she have felt hope at the possibility of him truly being there?  Izzy thought she had sealed and steeled her heart to the influences of Bucky Barnes, yet he still occupied a large place in her mind and in her heart.   It was true, she no longer felt the all-consuming intensity of the love she had for him but a part of it was still there – an ember – smouldering away deep within her.  That man had left an imprint on her soul that would last a lifetime.

She blew out a shaky breath, calming herself as best she could.  Though her tears never fell, her eyes were a little red, the green of her irises vibrant in contrast.  She had a new life, now, and she had Brock.  She had moved on.

Izzy huffed out a few deep breaths and, after downing her champagne, she pulled herself back together and returned to the gala.

Brock was with Alexander when she returned, his face as stoic as it ever was when he was on the job but he scanned her thoroughly, reading every little detail of her composure.  Their conversation ceased as soon as she was within earshot.

Alexander turned to her and offered her a sympathetic smile.  “Is everything alright?  You look as though you’ve seen a ghost.”

Izzy’s eyes flashed towards the man she had mistaken for her ex-lover, then to the ground before flitting past Brock to meet Alexanders gaze.

“I thought I saw someone I knew.”  She replied truthfully.  “It took me by surprise, that’s all.”

“Someone from your old life?”  He asked as though he was familiar with all the details of her exodus from New York.

She nodded subtly and met Brock’s gaze.  There was something there behind his eyes that made her heart quicken its pace, not in excitement, but in anxiousness.

“Time for another sweep?”  Alexander prompted his chief of security, who nodded sternly and stalked away.

Izzy had a lot of things on her mind as she mingled on Alexander’s arm.  The return of Bucky to her thoughts, Brock’s apparent reaction to the man she said she thought she recognised, the nature of her role as Mr Pierce’s legal attaché, and what she had helped do to Troy Walton that evening.  She wasn’t proud of some of the things she had done since joining Goodwin Enterprises, and she wondered when she had changed so much from the woman she used to be to the woman she was now.

Alexander made a point to revisit with Charles Walton several times throughout the evening, bringing Izzy with him each time.  The man was lecherous even when his wife was on his arm, which made Izzy feel rather uncomfortable to ogled by one half of the couple, and glared at by the other.  She didn’t so much as offer an apologetic expression to Mrs Walton, Alexander would have been furious if she hadn’t played her part as instructed.  Izzy flirted back so subtly it could have been excused as a quirk of personality, but it was enough to keep Walton Seniors attention on her every time he saw her.

Come the end of the night, Izzy was exhausted and far more drunk than Brock would have approved of.  Stood out front on the red carpet, waiting for the limousine to be brought round while Alexander got his last few moments in with the other guests, Izzy hugged herself.  The night had grown cold and she had come without a coat.

“Can I offer you my jacket?”  A well-spoken man said from behind her, his accent quintessentially British.

Izzy spun in surprise to see the man she had mistaken for Bucky.  Now that she knew it hadn’t been him, she could see that this man really didn’t look much like Bucky at all other than his build, the colour of his hair and the way he touched his hair.  He wasn’t unattractive, but he just wasn’t Bucky.

The man had taken off his Tuxedo jacket and held it out for her to shrug her shoulders into.

“Thank you for the offer, but I’m fine,” she said with a fleeting smile, glancing around to see if Brock was nearby, or if the car had arrived.

As if to betray her, her body shivered and the man laughed.

“Are you sure?  I would hate for you to catch the cold.”

“Really, I’m fine.  Thank you, though.”  She shivered again.

“I must insist,” the man mad a move to drape his jacket over her shoulders.  “You’re shivering.”

“I shouldn’t,” she said, stopping him with a halting gesture.  “I’m here with someone.”

“Alexander Pierce?”  The man chuckled.  “You know, when you mistook me for someone you knew, I thought it was my lucky day.  When someone so beautiful taps you on the shoulder, you just have to shoot your shot.”

“I appreciate the compliment, but really, I’m with someone.”  Izzy wished she could just walk away, but she had been asked to wait right there.

It seemed like the mystery man was going to pursue her further but his eyes shifted up above her head and a warm, heavy, weight draped over her shoulders.  A formal, stony voice spoke just over her shoulder.

“Ms Freeman,” Brock said laying his full-length pea coat over her goose-bumped shoulders.  “The car is pulling round now.”

The mystery man stared Brock down but was met by a hostile wall as Brock stepped between her him.  “Another time, perhaps.”

“Don’t count on it.”  Brock waited until the man was at least ten paces away before he turned and caught Izzy by the upper arm to guide her towards the car.  His grip, even through the heavy coat, was painful.

“I’m sorry,” Izzy said in a hushed tone.  “I told him I wasn’t interested.”

Brock made no reply but guided her to the car and helped her inside.  He stood by the open door waiting for Mr Pierce.

The car ride was punctuated with Mr Pierce asking her for her insights into this person or that, and him scorning Charles Walton.  Izzy answered him but the bulk of her attention was on the back of boyfriend’s head as he sat up front with the driver.

Brock remained silent when the car dropped her off outside her apartment, though he did see her through the lobby and into the elevator.  She wished him goodnight, told him she loved him and pecked him on the cheek.

“I’ll call you in the morning.”  Was all he said.

Chapter Text

The air in the gym felt oppressive, like Bucky was breathing air that he been exhaled by too many other people and contained all of their sweat.  Even his own skull felt too tight, his brain itching for an open space with cold air to sooth his irritated nerves.  He racked the weights and stood.

“I’m gonna hit the showers, I think I’m done for the day.”

Bucky was only halfway through his normal workout but all Steve had been talking about since they met up was how Izzy had invited him and Nat to visit.

It had been months since she had left to move to England, almost a full year in fact.  Bucky had been coping fine recently, but his exposure to anything about Izzy’s new life had been non-existent.  All he had been working with were old memories and photos to desensitise himself to the pain of losing her.  Some would say that he was torturing himself but he could cope with the idea of losing her if he didn’t think about her life carrying on after him.  In essence, he had tried to convince himself that she didn’t exist outside of the bubble of their past together.  God’s honest truth, he had tried to let her go completely but it had been too painful so he kept her alive in this way in order to save himself another total breakdown.

The water was bracing as Bucky stood under the shower with it running full and cold.  He closed his eyes and let the cold seep through his skin and into the muscle underneath, then down into his bones.  By the time his brain had stopped fizzing he was shivering.

“I’m sorry, Buck.”  Steve was in the locker room when he emerged with his towel around his waist and his now long hair dripping water down his body.  “I thought you were ok with talking about Izzy now.”

“I was,” Bucky didn’t really want to talk about it but he had to offer his only best friend some sort of explanation.  “Its easier to talk about the past than it is to think about the new life she’s made without me in it.”

“I won’t mention it again.”

“No, no, you’re right.  I should be ok talking about this.  Maybe it’s time I took a few more steps towards coming to terms with what’s ultimately the outcome of how badly I fucked things up.”

“Bucky…”  Steve started to say but he would only have been making excuses on his behalf, so Bucky silenced him with a raised hand.

“I don’t know if I can, but I should try.  Maybe not here though.”

Bucky went back to Steve’s place with him, where Steve sat with a light beer and Bucky a soda.  Bucky listened while Steve told him about Izzy’s life in London; anything Bucky asked to know, Steve told him.  He showed him a few pictures of Izzy’s apartment and pictures she had taken of places she enjoyed spending time.  Steve tried to scroll past the ones with Izzy in them, thinking it too painful for Bucky, but Bucky had stopped him and asked to see.

Izzy looked happy and healthy.  Her hair was shorter, with more volume and she had changed her style to a more choppy, wavy style.  She had changed the colour too, now she was blonde.

Bucky looked at the picture for what felt like an eternity, taking in every aspect.  Her eyes were still the same beautiful green her remembered but they were no longer full of joy – Izzy looked burdened.  She was still stunning, possibly even more so because his eyes had been denied a fresh look at her for so long that they drank her in like the desert soaks up the rain.  The next photo was Izzy with the man he assumed was her new boyfriend, and he wasn’t ready for that at all.  He turned his eyes up to the ceiling and blinked a few times to clear the moisture forming.

With a dry sniff, Bucky handed Steve his phone.  “I know you can’t tell her I said I’m glad she’s doing well. But I’m glad she is.”

“If she asks about you?”

“She won’t.”

“But if she does?”

“Tell her I’m okay.”  Bucky stood, putting the soda can down on the table.

“Is that the truth?”

Bucky knew Steve didn’t mean to hound him, but he felt trapped by his emotions and on the verge of needing a stiff drink.  He hadn’t stopped drinking completely but he had stopped drinking to cope, now he only drank if he was upbeat and with good company.

“Jury’s out on that one, but I will be,” he offered Steve a half smile as he scooped up his gym bag.  “See you again tomorrow?”

Steve nodded, accepting the answer he was given.  “See you tomorrow, Buck.”

Bucky held it together until he got back to his apartment.  By the time he closed his front door, the tears came, slow but steady, dampening his cheeks and making his nose throb as his sinuses swelled.  He rubbed his face dry with his t-shirt, shedding it into the laundry basket.  Gripping the sides of the sink, he stared at himself in the mirror.

You had a handle on this, he told himself.  You knew deep down she would have a life without you.  A good life.

Of all the times in his life he had lost someone he loved or cared about, Izzy felt the worst because all of his other losses had been through death.  Izzy had walked away from him and abandoned the friendship they had had since they were kids.  He had hurt her so badly that not even the love she harboured for him could make her stay.  And now she had found love with another man…  Bucky felt so sick he dry-retched and doubled over.  Cool water on his face calmed him but his heart was breaking all over again.

In the mirror, the gaunt and blotchy-faced version of him looked back.  The tribute tattoo for Grandpa Joe looked vibrant against the faded spectre he looked to be right then.  Bucky stroked his fingers over the tattoo, remembering the pain of the needle and the rawness of it afterwards.  He remembered how the pain helped him manage the pain of his loss, how having control over when that pain came helped him.  He could do that again, like a kind of therapy.  Bucky made a call.

The weeks leading up to Steve and Nat’s trip to London was awkward.  Both of them were treating Bucky like he needed to be kept in the dark.  When the trip surfaced in conversation, Steve and Nat would look at each other, silently exchanging warnings with each other.  When Bucky asked about the trip, Nat especially would skirt the subject.   It frustrated Bucky to the point that he wished he could hide out in his apartment until the whole things was over.  But that kind of mentality was what made a mess of his life right after Izzy left and he wasn’t about to go back there.

During this time, Bucky had been visiting Quill and Arrow – the tattoo parlour where he got his tribute tattoo – for design and placement sessions.  Pete and Clint were a pair of characters for sure, quirky but cocky and kind but grumpy respectively, the pair had an impressive catalogue and were very talented artists.  Bucky had supplied Clint with reference images and given him his whole arm to work with, and he was really happy with the design.  It was very personal to him and would mark an end-point to his suffering.  No one other than him would know the true origins of the tattoo.

The day that Steve and Nat flew to London was the day Bucky’s tattoo was finished.  The shoulder and upper arm sections had been inked during the the weeks before, and this whole forearm section was the last part.  He looked at his new skin in the mirror of Clint’s studio.  Pete had come in to check it out, whistling when he saw it.

“That’s one hell of a piece,” he stood, hands on hips, as Bucky rotated his arm to see it from all angles.  “She’s a beauty.”

“Yes she is.”  Bucky smiled a wry smile.

“Girlfriend?”

“Yeah.”  Bucky’s heart protested at the lie for a brief moment before he got it under control.

Clint wrapped him in film and slapped a candy bar into his hand.

“Eat that before you leave, if you’re drivin’ that bike home.”

“I’m good, thanks.” Bucky shrugged on his jacket, careful not to knock his fresh ink.

“Just eat the fucking candy,” Clint Rolled his eyes.  “You look like your blood sugar is tanking and I won’t be scraping you up off the sidewalk.  My back isn’t what it used to be.”

Bucky gave the older man a half-hearted salute, thanked him for his outstanding work, and exited the shop to the jingle of a traditional shop bell.  Sure enough, as soon as the air outside hit him, he started feeling dizzy and disorientated.

The bench was cool beneath his legs and the candy sweet on his tongue as he sat and waited for his body to stop betraying him.  He should have seen it coming just like Clint had.  Bucky knew the signs of shock better than anyone, being in the Army will give you experience of that, but seeing it on yourself?  Not so simple.  He would be right as rain in a few minutes and then he’d be on his way home.

Bucky had been right about how the tattoo would make him feel.  He had declined the numbing cream because he had wanted the pain, choosing to feel every aspect of the process rather than shove it away beneath something easy like pain relief.  That choice had empowered him, and made him feel more in control.

Now as he looked at the black and while stylised images that were arranged with appealing flow from the ball of his left shoulder all the way down to the wrist, he knew he would always cherish what he had but that this marked the end of that story.  The story of Bucky and Izzy.

Each image was partial face of either Izzy’s eye or her lips, blended with tendrils of smoke from on of his cigarettes that she had smoked.  Her eyes the night he had asked her out at that college party, her lips when she smiled with him at her side at one of Steve’s birthdays, her eyes – half-lidded in a selfie he took of them after sex, her mouth when she had licked his costume scissors on his last birthday, her eyes again filled with twinkling mirth after he had tickled her until she shrieked, and her mouth full of the smoke that would tie the whole piece together.

Bucky was confident that no one would recognise the images as being of Izzy – they were stylised enough to hide that fact.  Everyone would just think it was because he liked sexy women, and it was true, he did.  He’d had so many women in the past, but none of them compared to her.  They never would.

No one would know it was her.  No one but him.