Chapter Text
Part 15: The Past and Present
Thor asked Loki to come to the pub in the evening. This alone was nothing strange as the two tried to find any chance possible to spend more time together before Loki leaves. It was a pleasant distraction, too, as he was coming off a rather difficult couple of writing days. It was a week since Jane left and his selfish self was happy about it, even though their dinner went fine, it still felt better not having her around Thor. But it also threw him into an unexpected slump or perhaps it wasn’t her, but the fact that the snow started to melt. The weather was getting warmer. The spring was near and so was his departure.
His work was staggering and his nights were haunted by memories of his previous relationships. And then there was the realisation of the little time he had left with Thor and that maybe one day he would become another Jane. A figure of the past who would sometimes visit the man or even less. Because she had a long history with Thor that built a base that he could never even strive for.
His mind was wandering and he would find himself sitting in front of his laptop, not actually typing anything, not even watching his twentieth last YouTube video, just thinking. He was daydreaming and he hated himself for it, because even though one could say that daydreaming was a part of his job, he liked to consider himself someone who was good at being rational. At least most of the time.
But now...he was imagining all the scenarios in which Thor abandoned everything and everyone to leave for London with him and become...yes, something. Because he hadn’t really thought that part through. All Thor knew was this place and his family and their little pub. He could get a job as a waiter, maybe even a bartender, but why would he do that to himself? Thor only liked working in Asgard because he could be his own man, he would never be happy in London and there was no way he would leave his family behind. He wasn’t that kind of person, that much Loki knew.
Some people, of course, were quite content with being in a long distance relationship and he even thought that he could learn to work well in that situation, too, considering how focused he was on his career and how thriving he was in solitude.
When he reached the pub, it was closed. This was unusual to say the least, but when he grabbed the doorknob, it was unlocked. He let himself in and announced himself loudly, confused by the situation. A melody of heavy footsteps was his only answer until Thor ran into the main area of the pub in a merry mood.
“Come up, we are waiting for you.” The man extended his hand to Loki who approached him slowly.
“What is going on?” He looked around as if he could find some clues in the empty pub.
“We are having a little...celebration upstairs,” Thor explained simply as he grabbed Loki’s hand, urging him to the second floor. Loki had never actually entered the living part of their house and he was surprised by how cosy it looked. He was led inside of what seemed to be a living room where the rest of the Odinson family sat around with a large homemade cake in the middle of a coffee table. A soft music was playing in the background. It was a selection of 80s hits that Thor often played when they rode somewhere.
“Is it someone’s birthday?” Loki asked the obvious, staring up at Thor who chuckled with a clear hint of gilt.
“Oh Thor, you dork, why haven’t you told him?!” Frigga exclaimed, rolling her eyes.
“It’s yours, isn’t it?” the writer deduced.
“Yeah,” Thor just breathed out between his sniggers.
“Oh you bastard!” Loki hit his shoulder. “That is mean! Now I feel terrible for not giving you anything.” He hit him again, but it only caused Thor to laugh.
“I am sorry. But you wouldn’t have told me if you were in my shoes.”
“That’s true,” Loki had to admit to his own dismay. He shook his head and shrugged off his coat. “But you are still a bastard for not telling me.”
“I’ll take that.”
As Loki sat there, drinking tea and eating a chocolate cake with eggnog cream, he tried to remember how long it was since he had done something like this with his own family. He never visited them anymore and he never felt lonely when he blew a single candle that he had to light for himself on his birthday. Until today. Today he realised what exactly he was missing. He smiled at Thor and wished that the man never had to light his own birthday candles.
They sat there, talking the whole evening, until Odin started snoring in his armchair, which caused a round of laughter from the rest of them.
“Perhaps I should go. It is late. What about you?” Thor turned to Loki. He noticed that his eyes were getting a little cloudier and that his reactions weren’t as fast as usual.
“I am coming with you, of course,” Loki said as if he was asking the silliest thing in the world.
They walked to Thor’s apartment. They both drank so neither one of them could drive and they didn’t feel like walking to Loki’s cottage. The writer was happy to say that he no longer felt any kind of fear when he entered the man’s apartment. He was starting to build a deeper trust with him and he didn’t think that he would be ever able to do that again with anyone else.
“I’ll find you something to sleep in,” Thor offered and Loki just nodded his head as he sat down on the edge of his bed. Sleeping next to Thor had become something he was fond of and that was a little shocking, too.
Loki showered first and then he pulled on a pair of flannel trousers and a loose t-shirt that hung on him in an amusing way. He got into bed while Thor took his place in the shower and he noticed a book on Thor’s nightstand. His book with sticking bookmarks. He frowned and reached for the book, opening it where it was marked. Thor underlined a quote in it and then another one and another one.
“They are the things you say to me,” Thor confessed next to him. Loki only just realised that he no longer heard the water and he looked up at the man with an amazed expression.
“I just...I never took you for the type of person who would write notes into a book,” he said, shaking his head as he kept flicking through it. He never realised that he was using his own quotes in daily speech. Perhaps he was more like his characters than he ever thought. “ It’s...I don’t understand. You seem so...invested in my work.”
“What is so weird about that?” Thor snorted as he sat down next to Loki. “You are an amazing writer and a person and I...” he hesitated before he said the last words, but then he blurted them all at once: “care about you.”
“I care about you, too.” Loki smiled and he closed the book. “No one has ever treated me like this.”
“I noticed.”
It was Loki who let out a snort this time as he set the book aside. “Yes,” he mumbled simply, before turning his whole torso towards Thor. He reached his hand towards the man and he touched his cheek lightly. Thor leaned into his palm with a content look on his face. Loki brushed his lips against Thor’s and then he kissed him. They pressed their bodies closer and there was nothing sexual in it. It was a need to be close to each other as much as possible.
Thor eventually pushed Loki into the mattress so he could be closer to him. He climbed on top of him, still kissing the man.
“I want to try something,” he whispered between the kisses.
“Thor, I am not ready for...sex.” Loki shook his head, feeling like a teenage girl.
“That’s not what I meant,” Thor assured him quickly. He didn’t sound amused by Loki’s reaction as the writer feared he might be.
“Alright. What is it then?” he asked, half curious, half weary.
“Mm,” Thor hummed, shifting so he sat next to Loki again, only his hand holding the other man’s hand. “I know that intimacy is something really hard for you because of your trust issues and it’s ok. I meant what I said. I don’t want you for sex. Though I do find you insanely attractive. I thought we could try some exercises that would help you to...trust me?” He bit his lip, lifting one of his eyebrows as he cautiously waited for Loki to reply.
“I see,” was all he said. His voice was neutral and it was nothing like he expected.
“We don’t have to, of course,” Thor felt the need to state.
“What exactly did you have in mind?” Loki closed his eyes instinctively, awaiting something terrible. It made Thor’s heart hurt and he squeezed his hand harder.
“I thought I could give you a massage. Naked or dressed, you choose, though I think it would be good for us if we got used to each other naked without it actually being sexual, if you know what I mean.”
Loki nodded hesitantly, slowly opening his eyes, but not looking at Thor. “It is not a bad idea. It is even logical. I am just not sure I wouldn’t start freaking out.”
“You are allowed to freak out, you know? There is nothing wrong with that. I would stop the second you told me to. I am never going to do something you don’t want me to. I promise. I know that you expect me to betray you and that’s why I think we should do it, so you know I am not.”
Loki hummed something in response, but it was hardly coherent. His free hand started rubbing his earlobe as he considered the possibility that was laid out in front of him. “The second I say stop-“
“I stop. No question asked,” Thor finished for him.
“Ok.” He didn’t sound convinced as he stood up and pulled off his shirt. Loki untied the ribbon that was holding his trousers on his thin hips and he bit the inside of his cheek before he looked up at Thor who was watching him at amazement.
“Could you maybe...”
“Oh, yes of course.” Thor covered his eyes and Loki let the piece of clothing fall to the ground. He laid down on his belly, letting Thor know that he is allowed to look now.
Loki closed his eyes and waited. It cost him all his strength to remain on that bed, but he decided that there is a very little Thor could do to him that no one had ever done to him and it made him a little calm, even though it was wrong to think that. He wanted to trust Thor, he did, but the wishes of his heart and his mind were not always in alignment.
He felt the mattress sunk a little before he felt Thor’s hands on him. He started at his neck. Loki’s hair was still tied in a bun, but he was still careful not to get any oil on his hair.
“Is it better if I stay quiet or would you want me to talk?” he asked Loki, because he could feel his muscles straining under his fingers, which was the exact opposite of what he hoped for.
“Talk. About anything. Distract me.” It almost sounded like an order and Thor didn’t question it. He started telling him more stories about how he was as a teenager and that he sometimes got into fights. He claimed he won all of them and Loki kind of believed him. When Thor reached the middle of his back, he actually started relaxing under his fingers.
The large man wavered when he reached the curve above Loki’s bum, not sure if he was allowed to touch him there and so he only let his fingers slide over the white globes and he kept telling him the story he was just in the middle of when he reached the back of his thighs and he really did have to stop now. He noticed several thin lines as white as Loki’s skin, grazing it. They weren’t very prominent, he could barely feel them, but they were there and it was clear that Loki wasn’t born with them. He couldn’t stop himself as he ran the tips of his fingers over one of them, feeling as every muscle inside of Loki’s body contracted.
“Stop!” he growled, pushing himself up. Thor pulled back immediately as if he was struck by something.
“I am sorry,” he blurted out, not really sure if he meant it. He promised no questions and yet he felt the need to ask. Loki sat up and wrapped himself in a blanket to cover himself. He just nodded his head to show he acknowledged the apology and he looked up at Thor to see his expression. He seemed to be as terrified as the writer was at that moment.
“I didn’t do what he wanted, so he used his belt to remind me of my...duties,” Loki explained, just because he couldn’t look at that grim on Thor’s face any longer, but it seemed that his answer about how Fandral treated him didn’t sate him at all.
“Fuck,” Thor muttered eventually and stood up from the bed. He started pacing around the room.
“I am fucked up, I know,” Loki whispered into the midnight silence.
“No,” Thor responded quickly. “What happened to you is fucked up, but it has nothing to do with who you are or were.”
“Do you really think that?”
Thor stopped his anxious walk to rush to the bed so he could sit down on the edge of it. “Of course I do!” He reached for Loki to hug him, but he didn’t do it.
“It’s ok. I could use a hug,” the writer admitted and he was collected into his lover’s embrace just a second later. They sat there for some time and it comforted both of them. Loki got dressed again before they agreed to really go to sleep this time, but he returned into Thor’s arms, just to be cradled a little more.
They were woken up in the morning by Thor’s phone ringing on the nightstand. The blond reached for it with an annoyed growl as he picked it up, just to hear his father’s distressed and unusually serious voice.
“Thor, come here son, it’s Baldur.”