Chapter Text
“A toast,” Nico deadpans. “To exploiting our parents’ desire to buy our love.”
“I’ll drink to that!” Chase says, whipping a flask out from his jacket and taking a drink.
“Oh god,” sighs Gert. “You actually did it.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault my dad leaves his liquor cabinet unlocked.”
“Hey,” Karolina yelps, “there’s sparkling cider right here, we don’t need to do whatever you’re doing.”
“It’s just vodka,” Chase shrugs. “And you guys don’t have to drink it, I brought it for me.”
“Oh good,” Victor snarks, “this will end well.” He grins apologetically at his date, Nora Jones. “I didn’t know he was gonna be doing this, sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Nora laughs. “Between your potentially embarrassing friends and my definitely embarrassing dad, I think we’re already even.”
“Well,” Karolina says, “your dad may be embarrassing, and I definitely wouldn’t want my own dad at my prom, but at least Mr. Jones is, you know. Cool.”
Alex snorts. “It’s not like any of our parents should be at prom.”
“I’ll sacrifice some of my dignity so you don’t have to deal with your crappy parents,” Nora assures them.
“We appreciate it,” Gert says, sounding genuinely sincere. “And we’ll try not to make fools out of ourselves. Right, Chase?” She gives her boyfriend a look.
He grins. “Of course! I’ll be super chill, promise.”
“Why do I find this hard to believe?” Xavin murmurs in Karolina’s ear.
“Because Chase has booze,” Karolina replies wryly.
“I heard that and I’m offended,” Chase says goodnaturedly. “I didn’t even put that much in here!”
“Have you ever actually had booze before?” Nico asks.
“I mean... I had half a beer once.”
“This is going to go well,” Nora deadpans.
“Are you ready for me to kick your butt at Mario Kart?” Molly asks, grinning over at Flint.
“You do have the unfair advantage of way more practice,” Flint points out. “But I’m gonna give it my all.”
“Adorable,” Tess drawls. She’s currently marooned on the loveseat, Old Lace flopped across her lap and showing no signs of moving. “You guys are precious.”
Flint makes a face. “Precious?”
“She thinks we’re dating, I guess,” Molly says, making a face. “No offense, but I don’t want to date anyone right now. I like being friends with you.”
“I like that too,” Flint says. “Don’t be weird, Tess.”
“Don’t mind me,” Tess says, raising her hands up defensively and smirking.
“Children,” Elena calls playfully from the table, where she’s got her laptop out. “Be nice.”
“Legally I’m an adult,” Tess calls.
Elena rolls her eyes. “Yes, but you’re acting like a child. Don’t annoy your brother.”
“I’m not all that annoyed,” Flint points out. “I’m used to it.”
“Hey, I’m trying to parent here, you could play along.”
“I think you’re doing a great job, Elena!” Molly says cheerfully.
“You are,” Tess promises. “We’re just being brats.”
“Cute brats,” Elena counters fondly. Her phone buzzes. “Akela’s wondering if I can come pick her up since the bus is very late. You all okay with that? I won’t be gone more than thirty minutes or so.”
“It’s fine,” Tess and Flint chorus.
“I think we’re out of ice cream,” Flint adds hopefully.
“Oh, yes please!” Molly says, beaming. “I like chocolate and strawberry and rocky road and mint chocolate chip and birthday cake. But really anything is good.”
Elena laughs. “Okay, okay, I can get some ice cream too. Don’t burn down the apartment while I’m gone, please.”
“They’re playing video games, I’m trapped underneath a giant dog,” Tess says. “We’ll manage to avoid that.” Old Lace looks up and smiles at Elena as if to echo her reassurance.
“This is a soundtrack to mediocrity,” Nico remarks as they all saunter into the hotel where they’re having the prom.
“I bet I could figure out how to get into the DJ’s playlist and change it,” Alex offers. “If that would help.”
“They’d fix it,” Nico sighs. “There’s no point. We just have to suffer.”
“Yeah, I’m actually starting to see the appeal of the vodka,” Gert says. “Not that I want any, because it’s gross, but still.”
“See!” Chase grins. “That’s why I brought it.”
“I suppose we could dance?” Xavin says wryly.
“We could dance,” Karolina agrees. “That’d be okay.” She smiles shyly, like she has a secret.
Xavin grabs her hand and grins. “Great. Anyone else joining us?”
“We’ll come!” Victor says. “I mean, if you want, Nora?” he adds quickly.
“Oh, sure,” Nora replies. “That’s the point of prom, isn’t it?”
“Allegedly, yeah,” Victor laughs. “And like, punch and dumb photos and stuff. Memories?”
“Have fun,” Gert calls. “I’m gonna get some punch and make sure he doesn’t drunkenly destroy anything.” She squeezes Chase’s hand.
“Wow, babe, I’ve barely had two sips,” Chase says. “Have some faith in me.” But he doesn’t really sound mad, and he hasn’t stopped staring at Gert since she got in the limo.
“Shall we?” Nora asks.
“Let’s go!” Victor says, taking her hand to lead her onto the floor.
The four of them end up dancing closer to the edge than the middle, mostly because the popular kids are all in the middle. “Oh look,” Xavin says, nodding at the throng of kids, “there’s Eiffel.”
“Of course,” Karolina sighs. “Looking… magazine-y as usual.”
“I’m sure she’ll have something to say about my outfit,” Xavin sighs, looking down at their tuxedo. “Not that I want to explain masc and fem days to her.”
“If she does make a fuss I’ll tell her to shove off,” Karolina promises valiantly. Her dress is objectively the most normal of anyone in their group - light pink, vaguely shimmery, fairly understated.
“Thanks, love.” Xavin smiles. “You look beautiful, incidentally.”
Karolina rolls her shoulders, obviously pleased. “Thank you,” she says. “You’re stunning too. I still wanna see that dress someday, but I really love this suit too.”
“You will,” promises Xavin. “I’m sure we can figure out one of my parents’ parties to go to where it would be appropriate. Or maybe we can just go out to dinner sometime wearing fancy outfits.”
“Maybe,” Karolina giggles. “You should twirl me.”
So Xavin does, laughing along with her. “I see you’ve been practicing,” they tease. “Was it just for this?”
“Yes,” Karolina says. “I didn’t want to make a total fool of myself, or you, and besides this dress deserves to get shown off.” With spins and all, she means.
“You wouldn’t have made a fool of yourself, but it’s appreciated nonetheless.”
Meanwhile, Victor and Nora are having a much less easy time of it. “I’m sorry,” Victor says as he steps on her toes again. “I’m, uh, not very good at dancing.”
“It’s okay!” Nora exclaims, leaning her head against his shoulder for a moment. “I’m used to dancing with my little brothers. They’re way worse at this than you.”
Victor laughs. “Oh wow! Well, I guess I feel a little better then. How old are they again?”
“Brian’s four, Alton’s almost thirteen,” Nora says. “So right at peak pain-in-the-butt stage.”
“Ooh, yeah.” Victor grins. “I remember being thirteen. My mother invented new swears when I was being really bad, and honestly I wasn’t bad that often. It’s just kind of a thing thirteen-year-olds do. And probably four-year-olds? I remember that less well, obviously.”
“He’s less bad and more clingy, honestly,” Nora shrugs. “But once he heard I was going to a dance he wanted to practice dancing with me. He’s small enough that he can’t do that without stepping on my feet, though.”
“Hey, that’s something! I always kind of wanted younger siblings, but everyone I’ve ever talked to says I’m crazy for wanting them. I guess it’s an only child thing, maybe.”
“I mean, I didn’t always have them, y’know,” Nora says. “I don’t mind it. They’re annoying sometimes, but they’re sweet, too.”
“Right,” nods Victor. “Uh, I don’t want to pry about adoption stuff, but you can tell me whatever you wanna tell me.”
“It’s nothing fancy,” Nora shrugs. “The Joneses started fostering me when I was like… twelve? And it just felt right for everyone.”
“It sure did!” Gabe Jones says, popping out of seemingly nowhere. (Really, he’s been floating around the dance floor ostensibly patrolling for fishy behavior or underage drinking, but he’s also been sneaking pictures of the two of them. “How are you two doing? Having fun?”
“Hi, Mr. Jones!” Victor says, trying not to seem startled. “Yeah, I’m having fun. I think Nora is too?”
“I am, yeah,” Nora says, though she’s clearly trying not to smile too much. “It’s less ridiculous than I expected.”
“Good!” Gabe holds up his camera. “Mind if I snap a pic?”
“Fine,” Nora sighs elaborately.
He grins and takes their picture, then says, “Alright, I’ll get out of your hair, honey. Have fun, but not too much fun!” He winks.
“I know, Dad,” Nora groans, clearly delighted.
“Elena bought Molly ice cream,” Gert says, after glancing at her phone. “So I guess she’s having a good time.”
“Nice.” Chase grins. “Ice cream would be great right about now. I’m super warm, it’s weird.”
“Probably ‘cause of the vodka,” Alex points out, smirking.
“Also probably because of the tuxedo,” Nico adds. “But mostly the vodka.”
Chase fans himself with the fancy napkin on the table. “Yeah, yeah. I’ve only had like, half of it.” He’s only slurring his words a little bit, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t have any tolerance at all.
Gert pats his arm. “Don’t worry, we can get ice cream after this.”
“Aren’t you usually supposed to only have like this much at a time?” Nico asks, indicating a fingerwidth of space (the people who drink hard liquor in movies only put that much in their glass at one time, usually).
Chase shrugs. “I dunno, it seemed like a good idea.” Then he hiccups. “Whoops.”
“Hey, I’m getting you some punch,” Gert says. “Anyone else want punch?”
“Please,” Nico agrees.
“Yeah, grab some for me too,” Alex agrees. “Are we all planning on doing the dumb photos at some point?”
“I’m pretty sure it’s expected,” Nico says, rolling her eyes. “And since we’re still on best behavior until the escape plan kicks in…”
Gert wrinkles her nose. “Ew. Good point, though. Let’s get that over with after the punch. I’ll let the others know.” She heads off.
“Technically we don’t have to,” Chase points out, blinking sleepily. “My dad’s not gonna give a shit if I come home with pictures or not.”
“No, but mine will,” sighs Alex. “He’s still trying to be all buddy-buddy.”
“Pictures make us look normal,” Nico adds. “Like we’re not onto their shit.”
Chase sighs. “I guess.” Then he brightens. “Maybe we could all do one where we flip off the camera. I mean, Karo might not do it, but.”
“She’ll do it and then spend ten minutes trying to remind herself it’s not gonna kill her,” Nico smirks. “We should probably get Matt and Foggy more information on the Deans’ cult, that can’t make them look good to a jury or whatever.”
“Oh, yeah,” Alex says. “Remind me to look at their stuff tomorrow, I bet their server isn’t that secure. And probably there’s defectors and stuff with testimonials that they’ve posted somewhere that I can track down.”
“Just put a note in your phone,” Nico says.
Just then Eiffel saunters by, nose decidedly in the air. “Oh,” she says, “it’s the freaks’ table.”
“What an original insult,” Nico deadpans. “Please, keep going.”
“Hey!” Chase says, narrowing his eyes. “We’re not freaks.”
“Well, you weren’t, anyway,” Eiffel says, “but what can I say about you now? You are what you decide to pair off with?”
“Wow, if this is your strategy to steal him away from Gert, it’s not working,” Alex says. “You’re just kind of making yourself look bad.”
Chase’s face is getting even redder than it already was because of the alcohol, and he opens his mouth to say something, but just then Gert and the others arrive back at the table. “Oh geez,” sighs Gert once she spots the scene ahead of them. “Did I just step into a scene from a bad teen movie? We deserve better villains.”
Eiffel rolls her eyes. “Ooh, meta, how original,” she drawls.
“Is this fun for you?” Victor asks. “Shouldn’t you be dancing with your boyfriend or your friends or something?”
“He’s around,” Eiffel says vaguely. “Although now that I’m here, Nora, sweetie, what are you doing? I know you’re a little bit weird, but your dad is actually one of the cool teachers. You could be cool if you tried, or cooler than this.”
“I’m actually just fine where and how I am, thanks,” Nora replies. “At least I know these guys aren’t going to drop me when I can’t get them into my dad’s gradebook.”
“Oh shit,” Alex mutters, grinning.
“No, I guess they don’t care what you do,” Eiffel remarks. “Considering what some of them are like, it doesn’t seem like they have that many hard lines.” She raises an eyebrow at Xavin and Karolina.
Xavin stares her down and says very calmly, “What do you mean by that, Eiffel?”
“Well, it’s not like you’re normal,” Eiffel shrugs, folding her arms.
There’s a very long moment of silence, and then Xavin asks, “And what do you consider normal?”
“Not you,” Eiffel says flatly.
Chase sort of leans forward like he might be about to jump out of his seat, and then a tall blond guy walks up, scowling. “Are these weirdos bothering you, babe?”
“Aren’t they always?” Eiffel sighs.
“Wow, we’re committing the unforgivable crime of existing in her line of sight and being fat and/or queer and/or brown,” Gert snarks. “How dare we.”
“Fuck off, Chad,” says Chase tightly.
“You first, Stein,” the guy responds. “Y’know, I used to think you were cool, but then you started dating her and I just don’t get it. She’s so…” His mouth twists.
“Much more interesting than your whole crowd?” Karolina chimes in, flashing Gert a quick smile.
“I was gonna say fat,” scoffs Chad, “but whatever.” He narrows his eyes at Karolina. “And you’re way too hot to be hanging out with any of them.”
Karolina crosses her arms over her chest self-consciously and leans into Xavin. “Funny how the weirdo church girl is only considered cool when you wanna objectify her,” she remarks. (She wants to smile at Gert again - she’s proud of being able to casually bring objectification up in an argument - but she doesn’t.)
Xavin puts their arm around her and adds, “Don’t the boxes you try to put everyone in get boring after awhile?”
Eiffel makes a face, like she can tell that’s an insult of sorts but isn’t quite sure how. “Honestly, I’m not even sure why you all bothered to come tonight,” she says instead. “It’s not really for you.”
“Who is it for?” Victor asks, raising an eyebrow. “Pretty sure it’s for seniors and juniors, which we are.”
Chad rolls his eyes. “Normal people, duh. The ones who know whether they’re a guy or a girl.”
At this, Chase stands up, only swaying a little. “Hey,” he says, voice low and serious. “Knock it off, Chad. Go dance or whatever and leave us alone.”
“Oh no,” sighs Gert.
“Make me, Stein. Or is your girlfriend gonna do it for you? We all know she’s the one who’s got the balls in this relationship.”
Chase throws a napkin at him. “Fuck off, asshole.”
Eiffel’s eyes go wide and she shouts, “Help! They’re attacking Chad!”
Unfortunately for Eiffel, her exaggeration is answered by Peggy and Angie, who approach with raised eyebrows. “Chad doesn’t appear to be hurt,” Peggy remarks.
Chad pouts at her. “Ms. Carter, they were saying all sorts of terrible sh- I mean, things.”
“Oh really?” Gert says, whipping out her phone. “The recording app on my phone might tell a different story.”
“I’ll be interested to have a listen,” Peggy says. “But ‘attack’ does typically imply a physical altercation taking place, even just potentially.”
“If you count this as physical force, I guess it’s true,” Nico says archly, grabbing the napkin.
Angie puts a hand in front of her mouth, clearly trying very hard to stifle a giggle, and then quickly rearranges her face into her best stern teacher expression. “I think it’s time for you two to move along,” she says to Chad and Eiffel. “Why don’t you go take some pictures?”
“Fine, whatever,” Eiffel says venomously, dragging Chad off with her.
“Sorry, Ms. Carter, Ms. Martinelli,” Karolina says. “They decided prom wouldn’t be complete without some old-fashioned bullying.”
“Really old-fashioned,” Nora adds. “Like they were from an 80s movie.”
“Sorry,” Chase echoes, then hiccups. “Oops. ‘Scuse me.”
“Mr. Stein,” Peggy exclaims, sounding indignant. (It’s mostly genuine.) “Is that liquor I smell?”
“No,” Chase says, sitting down quickly. Too quickly, because he almost falls out of the chair and Gert has to haul him back up by his arm.
“He’s okay,” Gert says, after making sure he’s not going to tip over again.
“He’s sozzled, is what,” Peggy huffs. “Come on, let me have it.”
Looking sheepish, Chase digs the flask out of his coat pocket and hands it to her. “I didn’t drink all ‘f it,” he murmurs.
Angie giggles this time, despite herself. “Oh honey,” she says. “You have no tolerance at all.”
“See me at the end of the night and I’ll return your property,” Peggy says, trying to sound serious (and sort of failing - it is, as her wife has indicated, quite funny). “Without the liquid addition.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Chase says meekly.
Gert snickers. “Hey, you got off easy,” she says, kissing his cheek.
“Well, so Chase is down for the count,” Alex says, “but let’s do pictures after he’s stopped falling down every two minutes.”
“That’s rude!” Chase chirps, then lays his head on Gert’s shoulder.
“You want me to go ask my dad for hangover cures?” Nora asks.
“If you can do it without getting him in trouble, sure.” Gert runs her hand through Chase’s hair. “You poor dope.” Chase doesn’t react to that besides humming happily and closing his eyes.
“Well, Ms. Carter and Ms. Martinelli already know this is happening,” Nora points out. “My dad’s going to hear about it soon enough.”
Eventually, Chase is able to stand up and walk over to the line for pictures, where they run into Billy and Tommy Kaplan, Teddy Altman, Kate Bishop, and America Chavez. “Hey!” Alex says, grinning. “Fancy running into you guys here.”
“Yeah, super weird,” Kate snarks. “How’s your guys’ night going?”
“Great!” Chase says, giving an extremely lazy thumbs up.
“Oh, that good, huh?” Teddy says with a laugh.
“He had a flask of vodka, but Ms. Carter caught him and took it away,” says Gert. “He’s past the falling over stage, anyway.”
“She only caught him because a couple of certain someones decided it’d be fun to rain on our parades,” Karolina sighs. “Have they gotten you yet?”
America makes a face. “You mean Mean Girl Barbie and Burnout Ken? Yeah, they stopped by our table. I guess the smell of queer was too strong for them to resist, or something. Like sharks, except dumber.”
“America and Kate told them to get lost,” says Billy. “And I sort of just stared at them really hard and touched my necklace.” He grins, fiddling with his Star of David necklace. “I don’t know how that dumb rumor is still going around, but hey, I’ll take it if it makes bullies uncomfortable.”
“What rumor is that?” Nora asks, tilting her head.
“Oh!” says Billy, clearly startled. “I thought everyone knew. The popular kids decided Tommy and I are witches, for some reason. I don’t know where it came from, but it’s fun to scare people by making them think I’m casting spells on them.”
“We’re not,” Tommy says, “we’re just Jewish.”
Nora giggles. “I think people try to keep me from hearing the things I might tattle on them about. Calling Jewish kids witches is definitely tattle-worthy, so.”
Tommy shrugs. “If it wasn’t that, it’d be something else, ‘cause we’re twins. People are weird about twins.”
“Yikes,” Gert says. “That sucks.”
“Besides, saying witch like it’s an insult is pretty offensive too,” Nico chimes in, rolling her eyes. “If they ever piss you off too much, just point them my direction. They’ll learn how funny magic really is.”
“I don’t let anything happen to him,” Teddy says, grabbing his boyfriend’s hand. He’s six foot four and generally large, even though he doesn’t work out that much. “People tend to leave the others alone when I show up.”
“Thanks, though,” Billy says. “It’s appreciated.”
While Billy and his friends are taking pictures, Alex says, “Are we really doing one where we flip off the camera, or was that a joke?”
“As long as we get one that my parents can display, they won’t care how the others turn out,” Xavin says cheerfully. “I like this idea.”
“Are you sure we’re allowed?” Karolina (rather predictably) asks.
“What’re they gonna do, not take the picture?” Chase says, grinning. “Let’s do it! I mean, you don’t have to, but.”
“I mean, it’d be silly if I was the only one not doing it,” Karolina concedes.
What they end up doing is waiting until the very last second before they take the picture, when Chase yells “Now!” and they all whip out their middle fingers. The photographer is clearly less than pleased, but there’s not much he can do about it.
“Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!”
“You don’t have to chant it,” Victor points out, “we’re going either way.”
Chase sticks out his tongue. “Quit being the fun police, you... police.”
“I guess that is a pretty sick burn,” Nico deadpans.
“I hope not everyone had this idea,” Karolina says with a grin. “I mean, we can’t possibly be the only ones, but still.”
“I think we’ll be fine,” Gert says. “Most of them are either still at prom or banging by now.”
“Fair,” Karolina agrees.
“I can’t believe the big twist of the night,” snarks Alex. “Prom queen Eiffel, what a shock.”
“I’m pretty sure there’s a bitch category prom queens have to be judged in,” Nico adds.
Chase nods vigorously. “She wins. All of the things.”
“Not all of the things,” Gert corrects. “Just the bad things.”
“Right, sorry.” Chase nods again. “She wins all the bad things.”
“Are we all paying for our own orders?” Nora asks. “I’m good with that.”
“I’ll get yours,” Victor says gallantly. “That’s what I’m for, right?”
“Not if you don’t want it to be,” Nora shrugs. “I don’t expect that. But I’m also not too proud to object to free ice cream.”
“Well, I’m paying for drunkard’s here,” Gert says, patting her boyfriend’s shoulder. “Otherwise he’s gonna try to order the whole menu.”
The ice cream shop they end up at is open until midnight, basically to cater to this exact scenario and college kids with the munchies. Chase stares at the menu like he’s trying to memorize it before Gert gives up and orders for him, which he doesn’t seem too bothered by. (At this point, he’d be happy with any ice cream at all.)
“So is everyone going back to their own house?” Alex asks once they’re back in the limo. “Or, uh…?”
“My parents conveniently scheduled a church leadership retreat for this weekend,” Karolina says. “So my place is basically empty, if all want?”
“Sleepover!” Chase yells, almost spilling his ice cream when he tries to throw both his arms in the air enthusiastically.
“Let me just text Elena and make sure she’s okay with Molly staying over at her place,” Gert says. “I mean, she packed a bag just in case, she’ll be fine, but it’s better to ask than assume.”
“If my dad asks, boys and girls were in separate rooms,” Nora says. “On separate floors.”
Xavin giggles. “Would I have to sleep on the stairs in this scenario?”
“In the name of comfort, I’d say you could just opt for wherever,” Nora remarks.
“Happy prom, everybody,” Alex says, raising his cup of ice cream in a toast. “And almost good riddance to high school.”
