Chapter Text
Crystal blinks as they step into the dimly-lit bar. “Why couldn’t we have gone to the Angry Unicorn for this? That makes more sense.”
“You should be able to spot girls who like girls in a crowd of normals,” Val says. “And we need to work on your deflecting technique, too.”
“Deflecting?” Crystal asks.
“Knowing how to get guys to leave you alone when they hit on you,” Annabelle explains. “It’ll happen a lot, you’re cute and blonde.”
Crystal makes a face. “Couldn’t I just dress more, y’know.” She waves her hands around ineffectively. “Queer? Wouldn’t that help?”
There’s a round of head shaking. “Nope,” Sif sighs. “Sometimes that makes it worse, honestly. Either they think you’re a threat or they think they can turn you.”
“Turn me?” Crystal asks.
“Turn you straight,” Melinda clarifies. “There are a lot of guys who think that’s possible. The same guys who think bisexual women are lying, so, y’know. I speak from experience.”
“Oh, that’s disgusting,” Crystal yelps. “Everything I learn about men makes me gladder I’m not attracted to them.”
“Understandable.” Melinda smirks. “All my male partners have been great, but, well, it’s certainly not a guarantee.”
“Anyway,” Sif says. “It’s important for you to learn how to deal with guys in case you run into any trouble with them and we’re not around to muscle them away for you.” She winks.
Crystal nods. “Thank you for teaching me,” she says seriously. “And watching my back.”
“‘Course, princess,” Val says affectionately. “I’m not gonna send you out into the dating world totally unprepared. I want you to know what’s up.”
“Yeah, what kind of queer Jedi would we be if we just threw you to the wolves without any training?” Annabelle says. “You have much to learn, Padawan.”
Val nods. “Even if that’s a weird metaphor,” she says. “Considering Jedi don’t fuck.”
“And that’s definitely the end goal here,” Crystal says, obviously proud of this fact.
“Ideally you’ll find a nice girl you want to fuck, yeah,” Val agrees.
“First, drinks,” Sif says, waving down the bartender. “What’ll it be, Crys?”
“Strawberry lemonade with booze in it,” Crystal says immediately.
Sif chuckles and nods, relaying the order to the bartender as well as everyone else’s.
Once they’re all settled at a table, Annabelle says, “So, you know this already, but even though a lot of queer women have a particular look, they don’t all look like that. But stuff like undercuts, snapbacks, flannel, that’s often a signal.”
“How do I tell when it’s not, though?” Crystal asks. “Obviously I can’t just go ‘oh, she’s flirting with a boy, she’s straight’ because bi girls and stuff.”
Val pats Crystal’s shoulder. “Damn right,” she says. “But - look. Okay, let’s start with the four of us. If you didn’t know us, would you think any of us are straight?”
“I don’t know,” Crystal says. “Optimistically no, but I might not be sure about Melinda? Just because you’re really hard to read,” she adds sheepishly.
Melinda snorts. “That’s fair. My goal is for casual observers to know as little about me as possible. But most people aren’t like me.”
“Well, no,” Crystal says, and it’s a little admiring because of course it is. “But then the other three of you, you’re so queer that I’d be nervous. I mean, I’m not exactly any of the things you mentioned. Except flannel sometimes.”
“That’s true,” Sif replies. “It’s not definite, unfortunately. Sometimes it’s just an energy, which I realize is vague.”
“But I mean, since I’m not… I don’t know if I have the energy,” Crystal says. “Would people who do take me seriously?”
“Maybe not all of them,” Annabelle says with a shrug, “but you’re cute and femme and some girls are bound to be into that. When I tried bar flirting I didn’t always get taken seriously.”
“Yeah, but you know what you’re doing,” Crystal sighs, and then she shakes her head. “Whatever, I don’t want to whine. Why do I read your energy as queer? Any of you? I mean, I know that you are, but what clues are you giving? Since none of you have undercuts or snapbacks or flannel, currently.”
Sif thinks a minute. “Well, I’m a jock. Not all jocks like women, but your odds are a little higher. Or if they seem like they could beat someone up.”
“Unless you accidentally approach a TERF or something, most women who seem like they could beat someone up are pretty safe,” Val says. “Even if they’re not into it, which is unlikely in my experience, they won’t be offended.”
“Also, some nerdy girls,” Annabelle adds. “Not all of them, but even if they’re straight you can make a friend. Mention Steven Universe or something.”
Crystal giggles. “I can do that. Or Sailor Moon! And either way I can make a joke because, y’know. Rock name.”
“There you go,” Melinda says, smirking. “Jokes are good.”
“That wouldn’t just be a stupid, little kid thing to say?” Crystal asks, suddenly worried.
Sif shakes her head. “I don’t think so. People make jokes out of their names all the time.”
“Okay,” Crystal says. “I’m just worried, because I’m… young. In a lot of ways. I don’t want to play it up.”
“I think you’ll be fine,” Annabelle says kindly. “Has Val taught you how to do the look-away thing yet?”
“The…?” Crystal wrinkles her nose. “I know how to look coyly like in a cartoon.” She demonstrates, looking up from under her eyelashes with a little secret smile.
“That’s good,” Annabelle nods, “but I meant like... you glance at a girl, then away once she looks at you, then do it again. It’s not as creepy and aggressive as a guy staring, but it’ll probably let her know you’re interested in talking to her.”
“Oh,” Crystal says, nodding. She looks around the room for a moment and spots a petite brunette at the other end of the bar. The woman is talking to a big burly guy, but it’s aggressively clear they’re just friends. Crystal knows what just friends looks like from being friends with Pietro. The woman has a lot of eyeliner, seems like she dressed herself out of the dumpster of a punk leather goods store, and just has a spark in her eyes that’s intriguing.
So she glances over, twirling the straw in her drink, and then when her object of interest notices her looking she lets her eyes dart away, then - one, two, three, four - back to her.
“Ooh,” she says when she notices the woman grinning. “Did that work?”
Sif looks too, tilting her head. “I think so,” she says, though she sounds a bit skeptical.
“I’m not sure that was the best girl to go for,” Val says warily, looking Ms. Tiny Punk over now that her attention has wandered back to her bear friend. She can recognize a wannabe murderer when she sees one.
“Why not?” Crystal asks. “She’s cute. I bet she has tattoos. Tattoos are a good sign, right?”
The other four exchange glances, to make sure they’re all on the same page. “Well,” Sif says. “Yes, they can be, but I don’t know if…”
“That one’s got a bad vibe,” Melinda finishes. “Something about her eyes.”
“I think her eyes are pretty,” Crystal says. “They’re so bright!”
“Trust us,” Annabelle says quickly. “It’s not a good idea.”
“Why?” Crystal presses. “Are you seeing something I’m not? Am I just really bad at picking out girls to pick… uh, pick up?”
“She’s giving off murder vibes,” Val says. “Not just hypothetical ones.”
“How is that different from you?” Crystal asks. “You give off murder vibes sometimes.”
“She’s got resting murder face,” Val says. “I just put on my murder face when I need it.”
“Yup,” agrees Melinda. “Bad news.”
Sif nods. “Like Lorelei, but worse.”
Crystal opens her mouth to point out that Sif would know, but she’s nicer than that. She just lets the suggestion hang in the air instead.
“There are a lot of women in here,” Annabelle says, trying for reassuring. “Try again, maybe?”
“That girl is staring at you,” Jaco points out.
“The blonde one?” Snowflake asks. “Yeah, I know. I don’t think she’s gonna do anything about it though, she doesn’t seem ready for that kinda step.”
Jaco laughs and takes a drink. “It’s cute.”
“Oh, she is,” Snowflake agrees. “She’s kinda sunlight, you know? Too bright for a dive like this.”
“Aw,” Jaco coos. “Got a little crush, have you?”
“I could be persuaded that way, if I knew her a little,” Snowflake says, running a finger around the rim of her glass all-too-casually. “She’s pretty. She must be nice, too, how she’s getting all that attention.” She nods to the other four women clustered around her object of interest.
Jaco studies the group for a minute. “Odd bunch. I can’t really tell who’s attached to who. Or maybe they’re all a thing.”
“There’s crossover,” she agrees. “I think my girl’s the odd one out, though, if you’d have to pick one.” She seems pleased with this.
“You could go over and talk to her,” Jaco teases. “Unless you’re scared.”
“Never,” Snowflake exclaims. “Just, I don’t wanna scare her. She seems kinda skittish.”
“Sure, sure.” He laughs. “You could go dance with Pax.”
“Ew,” she squeals. “I would never. He’d take it as encouragement.”
“Fair point,” Jaco acknowledges with a nod. “I’m sure Sarge would want us talking to people. Y’know, recruiting.”
This makes her scoff. “I doubt anyone would show their worth in a place like this.”
“No, but you know he’s gonna ask us when we get back.”
“Like he’s never gone to blow off steam,” Snowflake retorts. “Or to keep someone else from blowing off too much steam.” She rolls her eyes in Pax’s general direction.
Jaco grins. “Well, I can’t imagine Sarge in a place like this.”
“He couldn’t have been boring his whole life,” she argues.
“I guess not.” Jaco takes another long swig, then waves at the bartender. “You want anything?”
‘Another of whatever this is,” she says. “It’s barely working, but maybe I just have to keep going with it.”
“So,” Sif is saying to Crystal. “Usually when you ask someone out, you either pay or you offer to split it. The nice thing is that you won’t be asking any men out, so your dates probably won’t get all huffy about you paying for them.”
“But what if they do?” Crystal asks, obviously panicked.
“Then you talk to them about it,” Sif adds soothingly. “Usually before the check comes. You can just say something like ‘this is on me!’”
“Although,” Melinda adds wryly, “if you take out a Chinese person, they might fight you for the bill. We do that.”
“She’s flagged down the waiters before we even sat down and slipped them her card,” confirms Sif with a laugh. “It’s ridiculous.”
“Oh, but could I say something like, ‘then I’ll get the next date’ all coyly?” Crystal presses.
“See, you’re learning,” Val chuckles.
“You can do that after a couple of go-rounds,” Melinda says. “Though I think people your age might be a little more relaxed about it. I learned it from my parents. And if you’re not dating a Chinese girl then that’s probably fine.”
Crystal nods. “Okay,” she says. “That just seems like a good opportunity to be, um. Smooth.”
“Oh yeah,” agrees Annabelle. “That’s great. Very smooth.”
“Do people actually say smooth or am I just imagining that?” Crystal asks. “The way you repeated me, I couldn’t tell.”
Annabelle shrugs. “I don’t think they say it much anymore, but I’ve never been cool.”
“I think you’re cool,” Crystal says, beaming.
“And hot, too,” Val chimes in with a smug smile.
That makes Annabelle grin, rolling her shoulders in delight. “Well, thanks. Anyway, Crys, I think you’re fine, vocabulary-wise.”
Crystal’s about to respond when a man steps up to their table and coughs. “Ladies.”
“Man,” Val replies immediately, voice cold.
Without missing a beat, he pivots to Crystal. “How’re you doing tonight?”
Crystal’s eyes go wide. “Um,” she says, obviously in a panic. “Breathing.”
He laughs. “Funny girl. I’m Colton. And you?”
“Gay,” Crystal yelps. “I’m gay.”
Colton laughs again. “Aw, I’m just making conversation. What brings you here tonight?”
“She’s here with us,” Sif says, narrowing her eyes at him. “And, as she said, not interested in men.”
He puts his hands up defensively. “Doesn’t mean we can’t have a conversation.”
“I’m not sure what you want to talk about,” Val says. “Seeing as you don’t know her, just lost your easiest in with her, and are being rude to her friends.”
His mouth tightens into a grimace. “Aren’t you gonna let her speak for herself? I thought you types were into that shit.”
“They’re being bothered just as much as I am,” Crystal says defiantly, “they can say what they want to just like I did. When I said I’m gay. And, and what types? That makes you sound really prejudiced.”
“Whatever,” he snorts. “Forget it. Have fun hating men or whatever it is you dykes do.” And with that he storms off.
Melinda raises an eyebrow. “Well. That was a little less subtle than those types usually are.”
“I don’t hate men,” Crystal says, confused. “I just don’t want to date them. Or sleep with them. Or be approached by them if that’s all they want from me.”
“Yeah, well, men like that have a hard time understanding women who won’t fall all over them.” Sif rolls her eyes. “You alright?”
“Yes,” Crystal says. “Just… put off. It probably wouldn’t work to just come to the bar wearing a sign that says ‘hello, I’m gay’ on my back, would it?”
“As much as I love that idea, probably not,” sighs Annabelle. “Some guys just really don’t care how many different ways you tell them to go away.”
“Don’t they realize that makes them look bad?” Crystal asks.
“You’d think, but they don’t really care how they look to us,” Val sighs.
“Well, but they look bad to everyone,” Crystal presses. “Like the other women in the bar who might otherwise want to sleep with them. If I liked men, if I saw a man being uncomfortably persistent with other women I would mark him off as someone not to sleep with.”
Melinda snorts. “Believe me, men who are that persistent assume that sooner or later they can wear a woman down. It’s basically a numbers game to them. Eventually, they’ll get at least one.”
“Oh, like Gaston,” Crystal says.
“Actually, yeah,” Val says. “But fewer girls fall for it. Especially once you’re not in high school anymore. Not none, unfortunately, but fewer.”
“It’s good to keep an eye on them if they’ve outed themselves as a dick, too,” Sif adds, nodding to where Colton’s moved on to a new woman seated at the bar. “Just to make sure his next targets are alright.”
“I’m not very punchy, though,” Crystal says. “Would I just be able to help by checking in on the girls if they didn’t seem alright? Since I can’t persuade him not to be like this.”
Melinda nods. ‘That’s good. If you see him put something in a girl’s drink, or something else that seems really off, let the bartender know too.”
“That’s a crime,” Crystal says, horrified. “Of course I would tell!”
Annabelle nods. “Good. It sucks that we have to pay attention, but, well.” She shrugs uncomfortably.
“I’m not saying my sister is right, but sometimes I really understand why she wanted to keep me away from people,” Crystal sighs.
There’s a ripple of gentle laughter around the table. “I suppose,” teases Sif, “but then you never would’ve met any of us.”
“Oh, I don’t for a second think she was right to try to do it,” Crystal points out. “Just, a lot of people are kind of awful.”
Snowflake is in the middle of her third drink when someone taps her on the shoulder. “‘Scuse me?”
“Oh, ‘m I in your way?” Snowflake asks, not turning around. She can tell she’s not interested.
“No, quite the opposite, actually.” The man shifts so he’s looking her in the face. “I’m Colton. And you are quite the cutie.”
Snowflake makes a face at Jaco, openly and unashamedly. “I’m not cute,” she says. “Not cute like you mean it, anyway.”
“Aw, yeah you are,” he says, giving her an unassuming grin. “What’s your name, honey?”
“Snowflake,” she says warily.
“That’s a pretty name. And how are you doin’ tonight, Snowflake?”
“I’m chaperoning,” she says, rolling her eyes toward the dancefloor.
“Yeah,” Jaco says, sounding a little uncertain. “We’re here with a friend. Probably gonna leave soon though.”
“Aw, that’s a shame.” Colton shakes his head. “Can I buy you a drink before you go, honey?”
Snowflake looks this Colton up and down. Now that she’s putting the face and voice together, she realizes he’s been doing this to girls all night, including her sunshine blonde, and if he’s so hard up he’s hitting on her (not that she isn’t hot, because she knows she is, but she radiates punk and dyke in equal measure) then he’s probably desperate, and if he’s desperate he might do all number of stupid things. That means she can take care of it.
“Yeah, sure,” she says innocently, batting her eyelashes.
He grins, teeth bright. “What’ll it be?”
“Oh, I dunno, what are you having?”
“Just a Manhattan. I like ‘em classic.”
“That sounds nice,” Snowflake says. “I’ll do the same.”
“Comin’ right up, sweetheart,” he says with a wink.
“What’re you doing?” Jaco mutters once the guy’s out of earshot.
“Makin’ sure he’s not a problem for anyone else,” Snowflake replies.
“Oh.” Jaco grins. “Okay then.”
Crystal, meanwhile, has been watching Colton at every possible opportunity, and when she sees him approach the cute scary girl she’s not supposed to talk to she actually genuinely yelps.
Sif, who’s been chatting with Annabelle, glances over at her. “You alright?”
“The rude man is talking to the girl I’m not supposed to be interested in,” Crystal says.
“Oh dear.” Sif follows her gaze to see said girl taking a drink from Colton. “You want me to go over there and warn her, maybe?”
“Do you think she’d listen?” Crystal asks anxiously.
Sif rolls her eyes. “Even if she doesn’t, it can’t hurt to tip her off.”
“I mean, it’s a good idea,” Crystal says. “I just don’t want you to… I don’t know.”
“I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself,” Sif says with a wink. She carefully watches the two, waiting for an opportunity.
The girl has glanced at the drink, smiled, and laughed at something the man said. Then she points at someone on the dance floor, and as he turns to look, she swaps their drinks quick as a wink.
Sif raises an eyebrow. “Huh. Maybe she’s got this under control, actually.”
“Oh,” Crystal says, obviously impressed.
“What’s this now?” Val asks, eyebrow raised.
“Oh, her little crush got targeted by Annoying Man there.” Sif nods at them. “But she just switched their drinks when he wasn’t looking, so I think she’ll be alright.”
Crystal nods proudly. “She knows what’s up.”
“Or... not?” Annabelle says, eyes going wide as the girl gets up and heads outside with him. “Should we follow them?”
“Um?” Crystal squeaks.
Melinda sighs. “Probably wouldn’t be a bad idea. Let’s close our tab and head out there.”
A few minutes later, they exit the bar and glance around. The parking lot’s deserted. “Hm,” Sif says, eyes narrowing. “This doesn’t seem great.”
“Oh no, oh no,” Crystal murmurs, reaching for Val’s hand for comfort more than anything.
“It’s okay,” Val says. “We didn’t hear a gun, anything that’s happened we can fix.” She means this as more comforting than it probably is.
And then, as if to punctuate her words, there’s a scream from nearby.
“Fuck,” hisses Sif, taking off in the direction of the scream.
The others run after her, some better at it than others. “That… did that sound like a girl scream?” Crystal pants. “I mean, not to be stereotypical, but assuming that her vocal range is more or less what we think of as a girl’s…”
“Not really,” grunts Melinda, “but you never know.”
They turn the corner into a creepy alley only to find... the girl kneeling over something that looks like a body. Her back is to them, and she seems to be very focused on... whatever she’s doing.
Annabelle takes a few steps back. “Jesus Christ.”
“See what we meant, Crys?” Val asks in a whisper.
“Are you okay?” Crystal calls to the girl, either oblivious or very optimistic.
“Oh, yeah,” the girl replies. “Wonderful. He’s all done bein’ a creep.”
“I think he’s all done being a lot of things,” Melinda says, glancing pointedly at the very much not-moving lump on the ground.
“Do you... need any... help?” Sif asks warily.
“Nah,” the girl says. “I’m just finishing up.” She stands and delicately flicks some blood off of her knife before approaching the group, fully fixated on Crystal. “You have a beautiful soul.”
“Thank you,” Crystal squeaks, fussing with her hair. “Um, is he…?”
“I didn’t slit his throat or anything,” the girl says breezily. “He passed out all of twenty seconds after we got out here, and it’s no fun killing someone who’s already acting dead.” She giggles, as if this should be a universal experience somehow. “I just left him a little somethin’ to remember me by.”
Melinda goes over to examine the man and sees a bloody butterfly carved into his chest. “That’s... creative,” she mutters. “He’ll definitely have an embarrassing scar.”
“They don’t tend to go to the police with that kind of damage,” the girl chirps. “And if he listens, he’ll learn from it. He can break free into somethin’ beautiful, too.”
“You do this a lot?” Val asks, obviously skeptical.
“It’s not my first time,” the girl shrugs, like this is no big deal. “Sometimes it’s inevitable.”
Val, Sif, Melinda and Annabelle all exchange looks that basically mean “let’s get out of here before Little Miss Butterflies decides to find another target.” Crystal, meanwhile, is staring in awe, none too subtly.
“Isn’t it about time for us to get you home, Crys?” Val asks, clearing her throat.
Crystal worries her lip. “Probably,” she says, sounding disappointed. “You want help getting him somewhere, maybe?”
“Oh, the boys’ll be along,” the girl replies vaguely. “Wouldn’t want you to disappoint your friends.” She says this almost smugly, like she’s sussed out exactly what the others think of her and finds it funny.
Annabelle rolls her eyes, but coaxes Crystal to move. “C’mon, time to go. Lockjaw’s waiting for you at home, remember?”
“Yeah, I should go,” Crystal sighs. It’s possible that this is the most disappointed she’s ever sounded about needing to go home to her dog. “I’ll, um. Be around.”
“Yeah, me too,” the girl says. “Go on, this isn’t our time yet.”
Crystal smiles, weirdly reassured, and waves before following the others off. They’re barely out of earshot when Val says, “That is not a good idea, princess.”
“Really not,” Sif agrees. “She’ll eat you alive, and not in the fun way.”
“Why would she want to eat me if she thinks my soul is beautiful?” Crystal asks. “That sounds like she’d want to… not do that.”
“She seems really...” Annabelle pauses, trying to think of the right word. “Unpredictable.”
“That can be fun, though!” Crystal argues. “Can’t it?”
“Yes,” Melinda says, drawing out the word slightly, “but mostly in the way of ‘take you to fun new places’ and not so much ‘carving butterflies into peoples’ chests and saying weird shit while they do it.’”
“Technically she said weird shit afterwards,” Crystal points out. “And he was a gross jerk.”
Sif nods. “True. It’s not as if we’re shedding tears for him specifically. It’s just... a little concerning that that was her first course of action.”
“It’s better than murder,” Crystal defends.