Chapter Text
November 1945
“So,” Sirius said, sidling closer to Remus as he leaned on the rail, “what do you think?”
Remus was silent for a moment, awed by the size of the buildings that seemed to rise directly from the water. The harbour was flat, the same shade of grey as the sky, and a fine drizzle fell on them. The weather, though, was the only thing that felt familiar.
“It’s… it’s lovely. Like nothing I’ve ever seen.”
“It is, isn’t it, my love. I don’t think I’ve got the words to describe it.”
Remus nodded, shuffling away from Sirius slightly.
“People will see us,” he said, under his breath.
“Don’t be silly, old thing. They’re all too busy watching as well.”
He moved along again, so that their shoulders and arms were touching, and he held his hand on Remus’s for a moment before moving it back to the rail.
“Besides,” he continued, “everyone is completely convinced that you and your lovely wife are blissfully in love. They haven’t a clue.”
“I suppose. I just don’t want to… I don’t want to take any chances.”
“After today, my love, we will never see these people again. We will go on our merry way, and they will go on their merry ways, so what does it matter?”
“It’s still illegal here,” Remus said. “They might tell the authorities.”
“I really don’t think… I’m sure they have better things to be worrying about than us, old thing. But I promise I won’t make anything too obvious, alright?”
“Alright. Speaking of my lovely wife, have you seen Dorcas?”
“Cornered by Mrs Trelawney, last I saw. Telling her what a saint she was, marrying you. Completely oblivious to Dorcas sitting there rolling her eyes.”
“Oh, dear. Do you think we should rescue her?”
“Rescue who?” Dorcas said, coming up behind them and leaning on the rail next to Remus.
“Oh, we were wondering if we needed to rescue you from Mrs Trelawney’s praises, but clearly not.”
“She really is a frightful bore, but at there’s nothing she can actually do. It would be another matter if I was unmarried. She’d be pressing all sorts of dreadful men on me and never let me hear then end of it.”
“Oh.”
“Honestly, my dear, you have no idea what a relief this has been. I wish I’d thought of it sooner.”
Dorcas’s tone was light, but Remus knew that it covered a well of deep frustration. She’d held her own as a cryptanalyst at Bletchley, proving herself as capable as any man, but when the war ended she couldn’t find employment. There were men needing jobs, she was told. She should get married and start a family instead. She would find a man if she paid more attention to her appearance, they said. And, of course, it wasn’t worth employing single women, as they’d only work for a few months before marrying and having children.
It had been Sirius who suggested that she try leaving Britain, and come with them to New York. It had taken her only a few minutes to agree. And then she’d asked Remus to marry her.
“Alright, I’m glad to be of assistance, then.”
“That’s the spirit.”
Dorcas patted him on the hand and he felt a knot in his chest at the thought that she could touch him in public but Sirius couldn’t. He hated the pretence. It had to be that way, of course, and the marriage did solve a number of problems. A single woman and two single men travelling together would have drawn far too much attention and condemnation, while a married couple and their friend were unremarkable. They could get a house together and nobody need know that it was Remus and Sirius that shared a bedroom, and not Remus and his legal wife. Dorcas was a dear friend to him and to Sirius, and living with her would never be a hardship. But at Bletchley, they’d spent most of their time in the company of close friends, and never had to hide anything. He’d miss the open intimacy they’d had there. Nothing untoward, of course, but if they’d been arm in arm at one of James’s parties, nobody cared.
“You’ll be glad to have your feet on solid ground, won’t you, old thing?”
Remus sighed. He’d hated the week on board the ocean liner, in close quarters with hundreds of people, pretending he was in love with his friend and friends with his love of his life. It wasn’t helped that he’d been miserably sea sick for most of the voyage.
“Oh, yes, very much so. I think I might kiss the earth.”
“Sounds frightfully unhygenic, my dear. Think of all those dirty shoes.”
Sirius tossed his head back and laughed. He looked so relaxed and free, and it made Remus’s heart warm. He might be terrified of what it would mean to cross the Atlantic to an unknown city and unknown people who might not be as understanding as their friends, but it was something that Sirius wanted to do – to escape from the society where his name set him apart, where everyone knew of his father and uncle, to escape the expectations and affectations of his class and just be himself. Seeing how happy Sirius looked, Remus knew that they were doing the right thing.
Besides, Remus thought, the little world they’d inhabited in Britain was gone. Bletchley was no longer needed when the war ended, and the people had scattered. James and Lily, now married, had headed to India to join James’s mother. They had said that they might not remain too long, as India was changing and independence coming. They were planning to bring James’s mother and come to New York in a year or two. But for now, they were very far away.
Tonks and Andromeda, also now married and with a little girl, were already in the United States. They’d left Britain as soon as the war in Europe ended and Tonks was working for a car manufacturer. However they weren’t in New York and Remus didn’t know how often they’d be able to see them.
“We should probably be getting ready with our things, Sirius. You know I’ll take forever to disembark. We should get ready.”
“Of course, my love,” Sirius said, giving him one of the smiles that still made Remus’s heart race.
“Yes, do come along, you two. There will be plenty of time to gaze into each others’ eyes later.”
She walked ahead, stopping outside the cabin which nominally belonged to her and Remus, although he’d never actually slept in there. Sirius and he had shared the cabin next door.
“See you in a few minutes,” she said, entering the cabin and closing the door.
An hour later, they were standing in the terminal with their luggage stacked beside them, looking out for Sirius’s uncle. Sirius hadn’t seen him since he was a child, but seemed quite confident that he would recognise him.
“We, if it isn’t little Sirius, all grown up.”
Remus turned to see a man with greying, swept back hair coming towards them. His clothing was extravagant compared to what Remus was used to in Britain – the lapels and shoulders of his jacket were wide and he wore a colourful waistcoat and tie. He looked very American in his style, but his voice was perfectly British.
“Uncle Al,” Sirius said, walking forward and offering his hand. His uncle ignored the hand and pulled Sirius into a hug.
When he’d released Sirius, he turned to Remus.
“So, you must be Remus. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.”
Remus gave an awkward smile and, passing Sirius his crutch, shook his hand, relieved that he wasn’t to be subjected to a hug. The man then turned to Dorcas.
“And you must be the delightful Mrs Lupin, I presume?”
He took her hand and kissed it. Dorcas rolled her eyes and pulled her hand back, looking rather like she wanted to wipe it on something.
“It’s Doctor Lupin, actually,” she said. “And I can assure you that I’m rarely described as delightful.”
Sirius’s uncle looked nonplussed for a moment, before breaking into a smile.
“Ah, yes, Sirius did warn me that you were rather unconventional. He didn’t mention you were a doctor though.”
“Doctor of classics. Estruscan language to be precise. Was on hold through most of the war but I did manage to submit my thesis earlier this year.”
“Oh, jolly good show. You must be very proud.”
This remark seemed to be addressed as much to Remus as Dorcas, and he squirmed inside at the presence.
“Oh, yes, very much so,” Remus said.
He put his arm around her shoulders for a moment in a slightly uncomfortable hug, before retriving his crutch from Sirius.
Sirius’s uncle – call me Al, please, we’re not formal here, he had insisted – led them to a waiting taxi, and then they were in the chaos of traffic that seemed to be everywhere in New York.
“Alright, love?” Sirius whispered in Remus’s ear.
Remus nodded.
“Glad to be here. But the ground seems to be moving still.”
“Yes, I’m finding that as well. But it’s happened other times I’ve been on ships, when there’s been rough weather. It will go in a day or two.”
Sirius gave his hand a squeeze, before moving it back to his own knee. Remus held his breath, but Sirius’s uncle didn’t seem to have noticed.
Sirius returned to looking out the window, wonder on his face. Remus couldn’t blame him – he’d never seen anything like the streets of New York. London had seemed big and busy, but New York seemed to buzz with energy. The people looked different from London too, far more diverse, and lacking the haunted, hungry look that so many Londoners wore after years of bombing and rationing.
Remus was dreading the number of stairs that he’d have to face in a city with so many tall buildings, and his heart sank when the taxi finally drew to a stop. The building was huge, and Remus hoped desperately that they would be on one of the lower floors. They walked in through the front doors – a uniformed doorman greeting Al – then came to a stop beside an odd metal grille. Al pressed a button, and Remus felt his mouth open in amazement. He’d never seen an elevator in a residential building.
“I was worried about the stairs when I saw your building,” he said. “But this is amazing.”
Al smiled at him.
“You’ll be fine here. The apartment is all on one level. When you finally get your own, you’ll just have to find one with an elevator.”
They rode up in the elevator for what seemed like a very long time, walked along a corridor and then they were in Al’s apartment. It was bright and open with huge windows – nothing like the miserable lodgings that Remus had had in London, or even the house in Bletchley. While he could see many other apartments through the windows, in a gap between buildings he could see a green park.
Sirius nudged him with his elbow.
“Jolly nice, isn’t it, old thing?”
Remus nodded, lost for words. They followed Al down a corridor, stopping outside a large, bright room with a double bed.
“You’re here,” Al said to Sirius, motioning him in, before he followed, carrying Remus’s suitcase.
Remus stood outside, feeling his stomach drop. Al had just walked into Sirius’s room with Remus’s case. Did that mean he knew? Did he know about them? He felt his thoughts begin to race as panic gripped his chest like a hand around a heart.
Al put the case down and turned to Remus.
“Oh dear,” he said, a frown on his face “was I not supposed to know?”
Sirius turned and looked at Remus. He put his case down and rushed across to Remus.
“It’s alright, old thing. Honestly. Uncle Al… he knows about me, it’s one of the reasons he said I should come. The people he works with in the theatre, they are much more tolerant.”
Remus felt heat rise to his cheeks.
“Oh… oh, I… I suppose… I just didn’t expect…”
“It’s alright, old chap. If I hadn’t worked it out from Sirius’s letters already, Andromeda, Tonks and their little girl stayed here when they passed through. They confirmed it for me.”
Al patted Remus on the shoulder.
“You really don’t need to worry here, old chap. Why do you think I left England?”
Remus glanced at Sirius, not sure for a moment that he’d understood correctly, but the shock on Sirius’s face confirmed it for him.
“I’ll just show Dorcas to her room, shall I?” Al said. “Give you two a moment?”
Remus turned to Dorcas, who looked amused rather than startled.
“If you could see your face, my dear,” she said, giving him a smile.
As Dorcas followed Al to the next room Remus sat down rather heavily onto the bed. Sirius sat beside him and put his arm around Remus’s shoulder.
“Gosh, I really had no idea. He never said anything to me. Well, I was ten when I last saw him, but… not even in his letters. He knew about me – someone in the family wrote to him after my disgrace at school, no doubt delighting in my situation. He wrote me a frightfully kind letter, after that… I see why now… gosh…”
“You’re surprised, then, are you?” Remus said, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
Sirius smiled back and gave Remus a quick kiss on the forehead.
“I’m sorry he embarrassed you. You don’t mind that he knows about us though, do you?
“Oh, no, it’s alright. I just got a shock. I’m glad he knows, actually. I was worried about having to pretend. I hated it on the boat.”
“You didn’t think it was fun? I thought it rather droll, how they were so taken in by the idea of you and Dorcas, and had no idea of the truth.”
Remus shook his head.
“It made me feel as if we were doing something shameful.”
“Oh, my love, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise.”
“It’s alright. I didn’t want to bother you or Dorcas.”
“You’re never a bother, my love.”
He lifted up his hand to stroke Remus’s cheek, then moved in to give him a gentle kiss, before pulling him into a hug.
“You don’t regret marrying Dorcas, do you?”
“No… I don’t think so. On the boat… I wasn’t sure… it felt wrong that she could touch me, take my arm or whatever, and you couldn’t. But I can see how it makes things easier for her, and she’s… she’s such a good friend. I’m never going to be bothered by having her around.”
“No, me neither. And here, I don’t think we’ll have to pretend too much. Not with Uncle Al. It sounds like we won’t have to pretend with his friends either. You’ll just have to put on a show for her colleagues at the university.”
“Yes. I suppose I can manage that. I… I’ll be alright with that. Because you’re here, and with you, everything’s alright. Better than alright. Better than I could have ever dreamed, you know.”
Sirius smiled at him, that same smile that he’d smiled at Remus on that early morning in the Chiltern Hills.
“You’re frightfully soppy, you know, my Moon.”
“Oh, I could be a lot worse. I could tell you how beautiful you are, that I thought you were the most beautiful man I’d ever seen the very first time I say you, how your smile is brighter than the brightest star, and as warm as the morning sun. I could tell you–“
Remus’s words were cut off by Sirius touching a finger to his lips.
“Enough, old thing, I’ll get a swelled head.”
He looked at Remus for a few moments, his finger not moving, before drawing it away and replacing it with his lips. He kissed Remus gently at first, then with increasing fervour as Remus lifted his hands to tangled his fingers in Sirius’s hair. Remus felt himself falling, as he did every time, just a little bit more in love with the man who had walked into his life and turned everything upside down in the best possible way.
“I love you, you know, Sirius,” he said when they finally drew apart.
“Oh, I do know. And I love you too, Remus, so very much.”
“Alright, you two. There’ll be time enough for that later. How about you come and have some tea and tell me all about what England’s like thesedays.”
They jumped apart and Remus turned to see Sirius’s uncle leaning on the doorframe with an amused expression on his face. Dorcas stood beside him, smirking. Remus felt his face turn scarlet with embarrassment.
“You forgot to shut the door,” she said. “Really, if you are going to get embarrassed about being caught kissing, you really ought to close it.”
Sirius gave an awkward laugh and stood up, offering Remus his hand.
“Awfully sorry about that, Uncle,” Sirius said.
“I’m not,” Remus said, lifting his chin slightly.
Dorcas laughed and patted him on the arm. Sirius’s uncle laughed too, and then Sirius looked at Remus with such pride in his eyes. He knew how far Remus had come, to be able to utter those two words. Remus knew for certain then that things were going to be just fine. He wasn’t sorry. He wasn’t ashamed. He couldn’t help who he fell in love with, after all.