Chapter Text
You were contemplating a doozy at the produce stand the other day...
It’s summer in Letterkenny and the local weather station predicts mild humidity, lows of 20 degrees C, and highs of 35 degrees C for the next 10 days. Perfect weather for family outings, a round of golf, it's a warm sunny day and that’s...
“A great day for hay! Right boys?” Katy muses as she lounges out at the produce stand with her fellow hicks. It’s midday and all the morning chores are set and done, aforementioned hay is all baled and stored for the cattle to feed. Katy cast her brother a sideways glance as she sipped on her Caesars. His usual furrow a deep squint on this day and he’s staring out at the horizon like he’s waiting for something to pop up. She hadn’t heard her brother comment on the conditions all morning as he’s like to do. “Wouldn’t you say big brother?”
Wayne’s squint remained as stiff as he always was, unaffected by his sister’s prodding. His silence is enough to draw a concerned look from Squirrelly Dan and Daryl.
“Hey yeah good buddy, I haven’t heard you put in your two cents of the perfect weather all day.” Daryl says a while after spitting into the dirt. Puppers pert near full and forgotten on his knee. “What’s the fuss big shoots?”
Wayne sighs and pours out the dregs of his own Puppers.
“Alright poopie pants, but when you decide to start feeling verbal again let us know,” Katy resigns herself to reclining on her lounging chair when an idea crosses her mind. “Say boys?”
“Yes Miss Katy?” Squirrelly Dan finally perks up at the promise of a conversation.
“What do you think of alternative food dishes?” She says smugly without sparing a glance to any of them.
“Who the fuck are you?” Wayne cuts in sharply. Katy quickly turns to smirk at her brother finally piping up.
Before Katy can get some decent chirping in Daryl pipes in to contribute, confusion scrunching up his mug. “Wait, is this about that superfood alternative place you made us go to when everybody got together to beat up Dierks?”
“Oh yeah I remembers that, what’s was that place called? Super Foodies or something?” Squirrelly Dan catches on to the dialogue.
“Fucking unfortunate names all around,” Wayne continues to pout.
“Yeah like that, but their menu was like a novel, so what if you did that but with just one ingredient like Kale.” Katy ponders.
“Kay, but what if instead we fuck off?” Wayne bites out at his sisters suggestion.
“Hey now Wayne, now I don’t thinks you’re giving this much of a chance,” Squirrelly Dan defends Katy’s idea knowing fully well Wayne would dread it. “Kales is one of those superfoods. It's an amples supply of vitamins A,B,C.”
“Okay Vitamin Allegedly ample and actively acerbic, Squirrelly Dan, Vitamin Bitter bunch of bland blooms, Vitamin C if you can’t consume countless cantankerous-” Wayne began aggressively alliterating at Squirrelly for spouting off kale facts.
“Calm it down a bit there, good buddy,” Daryl cut in before Wayne got too far into his triad.
“Yeah, Jesus Christ Wayne! What’s crawled up your ass this time?” Katy sat up from her lounge chair.
“Well here’s the scoop and I’m gonna tell ya it’s none of your fucking beeswax.” Wayne’s tone sprang up an octave as he became defensive.
Darly dumps his forgotten Puppers. “It is when you constantly crap on Katy’s childish charade.”
“Hey! What’s the fuss Darry? I thought you were on my side.” Katy crosses her arms defensively.
“Oh come on Katy, a Kale themed restaurant? How much length would we really have gotten out of that idea?” Katy blinks at that. She knew it was a nonsense idea she just wanted Wayne to start talking again. Looks like Daryl has a more direct approach.
All the same she pouts and mutters, “It would have been called Kale in Comparison…”
“Oh now that’s a good names.” Squirrelly Dan sympathizes with her idea.
“Thank you Squirrelly Dan.”
“It’s an alright name, bit on the nose. So Wayne, what the hells the scoop?” Daryl turns to his friend who’s once again gone quiet and stiff.
“Why don’t you take about 70-75% percent off ‘er there Darry?”
“You’ve been a pill since bekfast-“ Daryl continues ignoring Wayne’s chirps.
“-Attaboy-“
“Breakfast so whatever the hell you’ve got on your mind, good buddy. Share it?” Daryl soften his tone at this, ain’t going to help Wayne be more comfortable talking if the three of them keep aggressively prying. “Ain’t better company then your buds and your sister to tell it to.”
Instead of an answer Daryl looked over to see his buddy groan and stare intently at the horizon once again.
Katy sighs as her brother goes silent again, but she wasn’t letting up, “Pitter patt-”
“-Rosie asked me if I’d be willing to help her out with her pit bull rescue program,” Wayne finally spit out turning to look at his fellow hicks. “Help out with some infrastructure.”
“Well, when a person,” Daryl quirked an eyebrow at the innocence of Wayne’s confession, “especially your sweetie, asks for help-“
“-Said it’d be about a 6 month commitment.” Wayne continues.
“Well the twos of you seems to get on fine I’m sure commitins to helpin out yours sweetie for a period of time like that is nothing much.“ Squirrelly Dan contributes from that.
Wayne paused long and hard, chancing a look at Daryl and Katy before revealing, “Her pit bull rescue is based in Vancouver…”
Katy to her credit could only manage one word in response “...What?”
“Well I ain’t fucking repeating it Katy”
“Wait what?” Daryl said as if it took a minute to hit him.
“Christ Darry you really are just spare parts aren’t ya.”
“So yous be committing to...moving out to Vancouver...fers six months…” Squirrelly Dan concludes taking every word as intensely as he could.
“Well fuck Squirrelly Dan thanks for laying down for us all simple like.”
“Are you actually considering this Wayne?” Katy turns to her brother with a hard look.
“Well fuck with the chicken shit chicanery that’s been happening in Letterkenny lately I’ve been thinking a change of pace might be more desirable than this,” Wayne waves an arm gesturing to the landscape of Letterkenny around them.
“Wayne this is our family farm! Who the fuck are you? Aren’t you the degen that guilt tripped me about leaving for Toronto even for just a weekend of my modeling gig?” Katy turns fully in her chair to berate her brother.
“Well, now Katy, considering a lots happened to all of us in the last year we should hear him out on this.” Daryl jumps to defend Wayne from the rant Katy was preparing to unleash. His interruption serving only to earn himself a glare.
“Fucking what? Darry are YOU actually supporting this idiocy?” Katy sprang up out of her lounge chair at this exclamation. With a hard look on her face she grabbed Daryl by the ear, earning a yelp from him as she dragged him toward the house, muttering as she went, “God boys are so fucking dense.”
“What the fucks that supposed to mean?” Wayne called after her as she dragged Daryl away from their discussion.
Squirrelly Dan seemed unaffected by Katy’s hasty exit and immediately questioned Wayne, “Wayne have yous been seriously considering leaving the farm for six months?”
Wayne waited another moment to collect his thoughts after his sister just bolted away dragging his best friend off. He would have preferred they all get to talk about this. With a sigh he gathers up the courage to confide in Dan. “Well to tell you the truth Squirrelly Dan after the whole debacle with Marie-Fred and how I dealt with that I’ve been thinking it just ain’t right to stew in my sorrow.”
“And leaving home is the right ways to do that?”
“Well fuck Squirrelly Dan I’ve been thinking lately maybe I do need to change. Look at my track record.” Wayne looks up face screwed up in frustration and confusion, a look Squirrelly Dan’s only ever seen following two of the darkest times in Wayne’s life. Wayne’s usually stiff frame is slumped in defeat. “Two of the four women I’ve dated have cheated on me. And then Tanis got sick of how stuck in my ways I am and kicked me to the curb.”
“That’s was their problem, not yours Wayne. Yous changed for Angie, stopped fighting, and she still cheated on you. Yous proposed to Marie-Fred, committed to her and trusted her, then she cheated on you.” Squirrelly Dan listed off the many failings of Wayne’s exes. He then held up his hands in surrender at the mention of Tanis. “Quite honestly I don’ts knows what to make of yours and Tanis’ relationship but I think both of you were a bit unwillings to compromise there.”
“Well and you wanna know what I’m starting to think that being a rigid hick ain’t the way to keep a gal anymore.” Wayne spoke quieter now, any aggression he had arguing with Katy now gone.
“Well Waynes I can’t speaks from experience here,” Squirrelly Dan stood from the shade of his spot at the produce stand with a grunt to place a hand on Wayne’s shoulder. Giving him a good pat that Wayne amicably accepted. “You’re a good man you shouldn’t burden yourself how those relationships ended.”
“Now Rosie’s been very considerate regarding my hesitation to fall back into a relationship so quick but fuck if she ain’t a great gal.” Wayne relaxed as he and Squirrelly Dan worked through his hang ups about his exes.
“Reals great gal”
“An amazing gal. So when she made the simple suggestion yeah I took it into consideration.”
“So you’d be confident in leaving the farm to me, Darry and Miss Katys for such an extended period of time?”
“Well I wasn’t leaving it to the nutsacks or the skids now was I?” The fight coming back to Wayne’s voice as Squirrelly Dan began asking more questions.
His good buddy’s tone did nothing to dissuade Dan from pointing out some flaws in Wayne’s judgements. “This place is your pride and joy, Wayne, and whiles I appreciates that you’ve been amenable to me and Darry sharing stock in the property in the past, I would’ve thought the last thing you’d want is to step out on your land.”
“Well when you put it like that Squirrelly Dan I…”
“-Now that’s not to say I’m against the idea Wayne, I knows love can compel people to do some things-“
“-Who the fuck said anything about love Squirrelly Dan?” Wayne’s voice once again jumping an octave defensively. Looking away from Squirrelly Dan, Wayne began expounding any excuse he could find quickly. “Rosie just made a suggestion, and I’m just taking it into consideration, and said consideration with my business partners and my sister would be happening right now but Katy and Darry fucked off to god knows where.”
“Wayne listen to yourself. How’s about I throw some phrases out and see if they sound familiar?” Dan’s larger frame now serviceably imposing and authoritative to a sitting Wayne. “It’s hard days work, fuck, but fuck if the choring ain’t done who the fucks gonna do it? So here’s the scoop and I’m gonna tell ya, what’s a hicks blood made out of?”
“Well likely 90% alcohol and 10% greas-“
“Sure as gods got sandals it’s picking stones, pulling teats, baling hay and that beats-”
“Well technically it’s barley-”
“Cut the shit Wayne, you’re the toughest guy in Letterkenny that meant somethings to you right?” Dan now growing impatient with Wayne dodging his own words. “Well you’re also the hickest hick in the goddamn town. Fuck McMurray useds to call you three times a day for help and half the farmers in this town too before Crack an Ag.”
“We gonna summit Mount what’s your point here er...” Wayne to his credit still kept his stiff composure but was speaking considerably softer.
Squirrelly Dan took about 20% off of his dad voice and spoke plainly and clearly to Wayne. “Wayne, eyes contact come on good buddy,” bringing a hand up to punctuate his request, Wayne acquiesced, “you’re a farmer, this land is your life, if you’re bringing this pit bull rescue shit up like this. Then it’s love that yous got for Rosie, Wayne, whether we like it or not.”
“What the hell do you mean by we?” Wayne unfurrowed his brow surprised at that last statement.
Dan could only sigh at the question. “And yous call Darry spare parts, bud.”
“Are you fucking preoccupied?” Wayne raised his voice at the implication.
“Are you?” Dan said blankly, exhausted by the tension of this conversation. “Now I means no disrespects Wayne’s-”
“Really? Cuz you’ve got a real fucking squirrelly way about going about it Big shoots.”
Dan cut to the point again, “Are you seriously considering leaving Letterkenny, for Rosie?”
“Fucking it’s not as if I’m-“
“Pitter patter”
“...Yes.”
“Okay then. As your business partner I can say that a six month period leave would nots be the worst thing considering how well we did last season and how well the crops been thus far.” Dan laid out his opinion slowly and plainly. Wayne visibly relaxing as the topic came back to strictly focusing on the farm. Farming was comfortable conversation, feelings not so much. “Beings down one set of hands won’t kill us, and hell wes could always hire a temporary hand to cover yer shares of chores. Joint Boy or McMurray can put the word out.”
“Now see that’s the kinda thinking we should have gotten into from the jump. I don’t know what all the fuss was about.” Wayne crossed his arms content that he and Squirrelly Dan came to an understanding. “All that shit about family home and love ain’t proper to talk about.”
“Now, as your friend, I can’t say I or Katy or Darry would be too keen to go without your company for well on six months but ah,” Wayne clenches back up anticipating another argument, Dan thankfully withheld from getting back into that. He then pauses to glance in the direction of the farmhouse and asks Wayne, “Well are you gone for her?”
Wayne didn’t respond for a long while at Squirrelly Dan’s question. Just back to staring at the horizon, tense as he began this exchange. “Okay so- kay, you wanna know- kay, you know what Dan? I think I might be.”
Dan didn’t say another word just continued to look at the farm house with a small sigh under his breath.