Chapter Text
I don't need a reason,
Not sorry, I want your stupid love.
It was time. No, really, how long must a person wait for the right moment? Six millennia, they survived Armageddon together, crawled into each other's skin, dined at the Ritz for an inappropriate amount of times and still... nothing. Crowley had been waiting for Aziraphale to make a move on him. Actually, he was hoping that something would happen on the first night Aziraphale stayed over after his bookshop had been destroyed. But maybe it was stupid, it wasn't the right time. Apparently, it wasn't either after their trial and flirty remarks later at lunch. And not during a hundred situations later. Crowley had been patient, oh, he was the most patient being in the whole universe. He slipped once in 1967 and learnt his lesson well.
Science claims that there is one and one object only that never stops getting bigger - the Universe. Other things wear down, come to an end, stop, prendre fin. And Crowley's patience was not an exception. It was time to take the bull by its horns, or, if you will, the angel by his lapels. There was one problem, though. Crowley was not experienced when it came to love or subtlety it required not to scare the doe away. So his only chance of gaining wisdom was to turn to the almighty. The internet. Ah, the thing with answers to any questions. All he had to do was type in the right sort of question. “How fast is too fast” proved to be useless, because most of the articles were about people being in an actual romantic relationship (he made a bookmark for later just in case). “Romantic gestures” were all about females, Crowley wasn’t sure if it applied to Aziraphale, so he moved on. He wanted to be specific, but not that much as it was probably impossible to find any actual advice on how to make an angel come to terms that a demon was in love with him. He also needed a list of instructions, not a romantic essay. At last, the right thing came to mind – “Tips to make him fall in love with you”. Crowley was overwhelmed with all the websites and Youtube videos and after carefully studying everything he picked up the best ten tips to finally engage in a romantic relationship with his angel.
#1 – Make eye contact
Crowley decided to start with an easy one – look a person straight in the eye. They hadn’t seen each other in a couple of days, so it was only appropriate to call on Aziraphale with some take away. Of course Crowley couldn’t follow the advice in a public place as he’d have to take the sunglasses off. He popped to a small Thai place, bought a variety of food and went to the bookshop. On his way he rehearsed a bit and even came up with an improvement which was to flutter his eyelashes. He’d seen it a million times in films and real life, girls always did this and it seemed to work. He tried to open and close his eyes very quickly but it only left his head spinning and he decided to wait until he’s in the bookshop and seated.
Crowley got to the bookshop just as the last customer was leaving. It was just 3:30 pm and the woman was visibly puzzled, but could do nothing about it. Crowley smiled indifferently at her and lifted his leg to step in, when he heard "Don't expect anything from him, mate, spent an eternity here and now have to leave empty-handed". He looked at the woman closely trying to guess if his affection was so obvious to everyone, but quickly realized she was only talking about the books.
"Aziraphale, I brought Thai!" Crowley called, entering the bookshop and looking around.
The angel was busy somewhere at the back, he just made some noises to indicate he'd heard the guest and didn't come out.
Well, it gave Crowley some time to prepare. He took off the sunglasses, put them on a shelf and rubbed his eyes. He just became aware of the fact that today could be the day everything changed. Maybe Aziraphale was waiting for any faint sign of affection and after seeing Crowley's irresistible glance he would just jump at him? The thought sent shivers down the demon's spine and he shook his head a bit to come back to senses.
"I'm sorry, dear," Aziraphale came out. "It's just this woman touched a couple of Wilde first editions and I had to take care of this as you can imagine." He rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Oh. Are you alright?"
Crowley was staring with eyes wide open at Aziraphale and even slightly lifted his eyebrows.
"Absolutely. Are you?" he smiled, but didn't stop looking.
"Erm, yes, sure. Always."
Aziraphale started brushing his jacket, then lifted a hand to his hair and checked if it was disheveled. He couldn't understand why Crowley was inspecting him so thoroughly all of a sudden and was worried something was wrong with his appearance. Poor angel didn't know he was being flirted with.
When there was nothing left of the food and the second bottle of wine was coming to an end, Crowley grew tired of this intensive eye contact. Especially since Aziraphale found a very convenient way out of the situation by looking at Crowley's forehead the whole time. It wasn't the most pleasant lunch they'd had, but it was too early to give up, since there was one ace left up Crowley's sleeve.
"And I thought that maybe a seaside picnic wasn't the best idea, you know, considering the weather."
"Mm-hm."
Crowley rested his chin on his hand and started fluttering his eyes at Aziraphale who instantly fell silent.
The angel waited for several moments and when he saw that the strange blinking wasn't going away, decided to solve the problem. "Really, Crowley, just miracle it away."
"What do you mean? Bad weather?"
"No, you've clearly got something in your eye, I hate seeing you struggle with it. Just miracle it away." Aziraphale smiled gently and took a sip of wine.
"Ah. Yeah. Fine."
Crowley waved a hand in a pretence miracle.
"I think your eyes are just not used to being exposed for so long and now all the elements are attacking them. Artificial light, dust..." Aziraphale was looking in his glass trying to suppress a smile.
Crowley wasn't sure if he was being serious or was shamelessly mocking him. Anyway, that stupid eye advice just made everything worse.
"I think you're right, angel. Where did I leave my sunglasses anyway?"
Crowley stood up and went to look for them.
"Wait! Forgive my attempt at being funny, I wasn't trying to offend you," he grabbed his hand. "It's just you've been acting a tad bit strange today."
Crowley was too proud to let Aziraphale pity him and his patience for today had gone dry.
"Alright," he took his hand away. "You're probably right, there's too much book dust in here. Gotta run now, see you soon?"
Crowley put his sunglasses on and waved goodbye, leaving one very confused angel behind.
#2 – Ask for help
Crowley needed several days to restore his ego. Most of the time he lay in bed and buried his face in a pillow when shame reached unbearable levels. How could he spend half a day making a fool of himself? He should have known better than following the advice some degenerate left online. Stupid people with their stupid love. On the other hand, they were the ones blabbering endlessly about pure feeling in their heart, the longing, the sweet pain... Crowley growled as all the emotions he was thinking about rushed through him. He turned the pillow and touched the cold side with his right cheek. His eyes closed and he imagined it was Aziraphale's cool skin after spending a day walking around London Zoo in winter. It only left him more desperate.
What were the options? He'd been relying on himself this whole time and got nothing out of it. He had to finish what he started. Crowley reached a hand to grab his smartphone, opened one eye and found the notes he'd saved. Next on the list was asking for help. It was supposed to be flattering, make the person of interest feel good and connect the feeling with you. Seemed pretty smart, even demonic in a way. Crowley started to consider what possible help he could ask for from Aziraphale. It was always vice versa with the two of them and Crowley was used to being independent, so it was a tough situation.
Actually, he could play it to his advantage. If Aziraphale helped him, he would feel ten times better because he wasn't that familiar with the feeling. So what was Aziraphale good at? Many things which didn't apply to Crowley in the slightest. For example, he couldn't ask for a reading suggestion without drawing suspicion, same with anything concerning food. And then it dawned on him. He could pretend to be ill! They went to see La Bohème several weeks ago and in the last act when Mimi was dying, Rodolfo stated his eternal love for her etc etc. Of course there was no need to go as far as passing away, but something like flu? People got it all the time, he could find some explanation for this. He could also benefit from being skinny, after all it suited a sick person terribly well.
Next day, Crowley picked up the phone to call Aziraphale. He’d googled all the symptoms of the flu and was ready to play his act.
“Mr. Fell’s Antiquarian and Unusual Books, how may I assist you?” he heard the voice on the other end.
“Hello, Aziraphale…” Crowley said weakly.
“Crowley? Is that you? What’s the matter with you?” Aziraphale immediately became concerned.
“Yeah, angel, ‘tis me…” he sniffled. “I’m feeling unwell,” he coughed. “Think I’ve caught a flu or something.”
And he polished it with a sneeze.
“Oh Lord, be with you soon!”
Aziraphale hung up.
Everything was going exactly as he’d planned. On the way to Crowley’s flat Aziraphale would work himself up and the only thing he would want to do was to leap to Crowley’s side and smother him with kisses.
Aziraphale was there in twenty minutes. Crowley heard the door open and quick footsteps approaching the bedroom. He put on the most miserable look and placed a hand on his forehead.
“Crowley, just look at you!” Aziraphale covered his mouth.
“I…”
“We’ll come up with something to get back at them, I promise you! I knew we should have been more careful!”
The angel started pacing the room.
“What are you talking about?” Crowley raised on his elbows and was following Aziraphale’s movements with his head.
“Don’t you understand? At first I thought that maybe your body just lowered its defence against human viruses, after all, we’re the only ones to be spending so much time on Earth, who knows. But then,” he stopped. “I realised that it was them,” he raised a finger. “Or them,” he pointed the finger to the floor.
Crowley fell back on the pillow and moaned. Why did it have to be so difficult?
“Are you feeling worse?” Aziraphale rushed to him. “We need to figure out what exactly they did to you. Now tell me everything that’s happened to you in the last, say, 48 hours.”
“I was just lying in bed, I didn’t go anywhere or meet anyone.”
“So it must have started earlier,” Aziraphale gasped. “Something’s inside you and it’s growing bigger.”
The only thing growing bigger was Crowley’s irritation.
“No, no, angel, please, I didn’t meet anyone suspicious, didn’t talk to anyone. It’s just flu. I thought maybe you could help somehow, not make things more difficult.”
“Are you sure? What are your symptoms?”
“Erm. I’ve got chills, stuffy nose, my throat is sore, body aches,” Crowley recited. “And fatigue, tired big time.”
Aziraphale took Crowley’s palm in his hand and gave him a concerned look. It was happening, he was going to say how worried and in love he was. Crowley was afraid to breath.
“But I don’t feel anything.”
Aziraphale let go of him.
“What exactly don’t you feel?”
“I always feel when somebody is unwell, the whole body sends signals about it and if it’s something minor like flu, I can heal it in a second. You seem fine to me.”
Crowley was ready to explode. He wanted to be angry at Aziraphale, but he knew it was him who didn’t think it through. Now he had to find a reason for all this.
“Maybe you’re right, I probably got too emotional. Just watched a really sad film.”
“What film?”
Bloody hell, what film? With someone ill in it!
“A walk to remember.” Really, Crowley? he thought to himself.
“Never heard of it.”
Thank Someone.
“I didn’t know you could be so emphatic, Crowley. You always roll your eyes on romance or drama.”
“Ngk.” was the only thing Crowley came up with.
He sat in bed and sighed. “Well, since you’re here, care for some tea?”
“Sure!” Aziraphale lit up. “Only I didn’t bring anything with me.”
“We’ll figure something out.”
Crowley stood up and lumbered into the kitchen. It wasn’t an absolute defeat, he wasn’t giving up yet.