Chapter Text
We didn’t speak of it. I was reeling and unsure, and Jamie, I believed, was ashamed. I hardly knew what to think myself, my morals, my faith and my emotions whirling through my mind.
I could never have imagined that Jamie too would enjoy his uncle’s attentions during our coupling. I had perhaps in my wildest imaginations toyed with the idea of him finding joy in making Dougal jealous, but this overt display was something else entirely, and though it made flashes of heat shoot through me every time I thought of it, it was a sin so great that I couldn’t bear to consider it. Adultery was one thing - awful, but common - but a man interested in another man and a family member?
It was unthinkable, and so I tried not to think of it.
I didn’t succeed.
Thoughts of the Dougal and Jamie kept flashing through my mind the following day, maddening and distracting and slightly distressing, until I was dizzy with confusion, guilt, and arousal.
In the end, that evening while I was lying next to a sleeping Jamie, and for once not aching from our lovemaking, but instead feeling slightly flushed and unsatisfied, I let myself be persuaded. It was undoubtedly a defeat of my good sense of ethics, but my more delicate sensibilities hadn’t served me very well so far, and this, when it came down to it, at least harmed no one. In fact, as long as it remained a private matter and all involved were discrete, there were no negative effects.
In all honesty, my willingness to let myself be convinced by my bodily desires was likely influenced by my apprehension for the future. Indulging in fantasies was a welcome distraction.
We were supposed to meet with that English deserter the day after tomorrow and my recent experiences with soldiers, deserting or not, made it a nerve-wracking prospect. But I knew it was necessary for us to even hope to clear Jamie’s name.
Thinking of it helped nothing though, as the future was out of my hands and there was very little I could do but worry. It was much more pleasant to focus my mind on idle thoughts of a more carnal nature. I wasn’t sure what to do, now that I’d decided to let all cool logic fly and accept the heated thought of Jamie and Dougal being - interested in one another. And myself, not to forget. I had not forgotten the one kiss Dougal had forced on me, sloppy with wine. The act had not in itself been pleasant, but while I was being honest with myself, it had to admit that it had opened my eyes to him. Even before Jamie, it had been him who had first made me aware of the fact that without Frank, my body was craving touch.
I wasn’t much disposed to take care of such things myself anymore, and so I hadn’t actually given in to any temptations my vivid imagination had come up with. But I couldn’t lie and say that there hadn’t been a niggling interest on my part too. There still was, and if there were no issues of fidelity and faithfulness getting in the way, if Jamie didn’t mind it, then-
But I was getting ahead of myself. Firstly, I needed to figure out what exactly I wanted, separate fantasy from reality, when the personalities of these two complicated men were taken into account. And then I needed to have a long think on how to make it happen.